I Miss Him So...

[missyouhoney811]

_{Sorry for posting three times.................Everytime I clicked on send it came up with postings from 2005. I thought mine was lost.......I WILL TRY TO LEARN THE NEW SYSTEM.}

_{ALSO, forgot to mention I LOVE seeing the pictures. Great matching postings with faces.}

_{God Bless,}

_Dorothy

[justamom]

Hi everybody, It's been a while since I have posted. It is going on 22 months for me and today is my youngest sons 8th birthday. The second one without his daddy. I promised myself that I was going to do better this year with the birthdays and holidays - I really made a mess of it all last year, I got through Halloween good but have now been crying for 2 days. Not so good. I did make 40 cupcakes for school and planned a family party as well as a kid party. Now I am just not sure how I am going to get through them.  Trying to focus on 1 day at a time. 1 minute at a time today. Still have so many sad, hard moments. I miss Steve.

[lindat]

Hi Dorothy,  Glad you are doing better!  I have you beat - I will be 61 on NOV. 22, we are as young as we feel   I walk 5 miles a day and I am a waitress at Red Lobster - most of my coworkers are 18 - I think all that helps.  I have lost 80 pounds since my Terry left, he was the cook.

MJ - I am seeing my guy again.   It was just too hard without him.  I was thrown right back into grieving and it is so exhausting.   I don't know how it will all turn out, but I am happy that I have it for now.  

My family and all of my stuff and my car survived the CA fires.   My nephew lives near Lake Arrowhead and still can't go home, but FEMA is helping them so much faster than they did us after Katrina, that they will be fine. 

So many new people - hope you find some peace here, it was and is a lifesaver for me.

Linda

[missque]

I haven't been on here in a few days. Even the first few days that I joned and read and typed helped me a lot I feel a bit better in a way. Though I still miss my Jeremy. My mom and step dad came to visit me today for the night. It is nice to see them (at school 4 hrs away). I can't help but feel sad that Jeremy was with us at dinner and here after, it felt so odd asking for a table for 3 and not 4. I try to be happy- and I'm not sure if they see through it or not but its hard to smile when you just cant. Hopefully tomorrow will be better

Thinking of you all

[laquinn]

It's been 3 weeks now since Randy died and I feel ok today,not sure if I should be but for today I do. Our youngest son and his family came over tonight and we just sit and watched TV and that was ok with me. So now I will see how the weekend goes and hopefully everything will start getting better each day. but I stll miss him alot I'll wake up in the middle of the night and hear something and for a moment I think he is in the bathroom but he's not. Went to the cemetery today just to talk to him and when I left I felt really good just to talk to him. Everyone have a good weekend and hopefuly mine will stay the way it is right now.

Good night Lela

[naz496]

was trying to post on the beyond board but site is down.

I think the cracks are getting bigger, and I am being swallowed up,

Its all getting a bit much.

Solicitors, court case, bills, kids sick, Mals case, tradesman,

family, and **** everywhere.

The day we left for qld Montanna got diagnosed with a heart murmor.

Had to have tests in qld. saw specialist today and he said that its

not going to affect her its fine, but she and harrison need to have

heart tests evry 2yrs for the rest of their lives to check for

cardiomyopathy.. I know she is fine but the Dr told us Mal heart was

fine to, and he is dead.

spent this week at kids hospital with harrison having his jaw work

done as well.he is fine.

it was nice to spend 5 days with Mals mates in qld they were

fantastic, they really went out of their way to do things with us,

and espically harrison.

Grandad and grandma made a huge effort as well, and I felt like a

different person, I was sooo tired, I think because I was forced to

stop. until amy called.

Mals brother was an arsehole(sorry) He spoke about 10 words to me,

and winged when we left that the kids were sick and left finger marks

on their walls. Never have to go and stay there again.

As usual a supposed friend created havoc. she decided that she

thought it was in the best interest of kids to have my share of

estate which she knows has to goto the morgage to save the house,

split with kids and invested until they ate 21. what right does she

have to make such a decision about someones eleses kids without

discussing it first., and to top it off she has backed out of court

case 10 days before trial and it will cost 7-10K to get a new tudor

for kids and if its not done before 5/11 next court hearing dates are

6-10mths away.

I never want to talk to her again.

I did have a go at her .

my family wont sign off on settlement so its going to trial, have

spent the last 3 days between hosp and solicitors office

have to appear in court for 3 dyas of greuling cross examination.

dont know that I can do it. I have to remenber and I cant.

came home to debt collection notices, and payment of lounge due next

month.. plus they want 880 for Mals court case Dr.

insurancce paid for a new vanity in bathroom. took everything out

ripped it out and of course probs. Its to small and it will take 1

mth to get another made.so no vanity in bathroom and crap everywhere.

House looks like a bomb hit it.havent evern unpacked, came home from

qld and went to syd for 3 days kids hosp, and now there is to much

mess . I dont know where to start.

this friend managed to fk things again I promised myself that she

couldnt do this again. its just snowballed from their..

Our wedding annivesary next week then court then Mal bday etc etc.

friend asked about xmas the other day and I dont want xmas I dont

want a tree or lights that was mals domain. I know I have to make an

effort but I dont want to.

I need the crap in my life all finished. court case, friend gone,

debts finialsed, so as I can start to find my way back.

sorry just venting, had such a relaxing time the two weeks proir, and

in one call from this friend its been down hill from then.

friend said that its not alway about money or me. so what if I have

to sell the house its more important that the kids are looked after

in the future. I exploded and said to her what good is an

inheratience in 20 yrs if I cant give them a roof over their head

now. She thought it was ok to take their friends and daddies house

away from them as well if needed.Is loosing their dad not enoughfor

little kids

She is seriously phycopathic, and delusional.

Had decided whilst aWAY THAT I dont deserve any more crap and thats

the end of it. Ive had my farir shre.and only good things to happen

now. one call from this friend and that was the end of that.

having a few bad days, but a friend had a safe arrival of a baby

today she had lost 2 babies prior at birth. made me stop cring

briefly anyway I am so happy for her.

Its midnight and im just venting, so no need to reply if u are busy

naz

[justkaren2]

wow, naz...I'm sorry.  I don't know your story, but you seem ready to explode!  Time to take a deep breath, in and out...stop worrying about the mess in the house and the court case.  You seem so scared, naz, and it seems that all of this turmoil that surrounds you is defining your life.  Don't let it define your life.  It is all so ugly.  All you can do is take the steps that you can take and hand over the rest.  Just hand it over to God.  If you don't believe in God, hand it over anyway.  Then you can gather up your children and focus on what is important....and you can grieve properly.

Wish I could be there just to give you a big hug.  Someone to hold you and tell you that everything will be all right...the thing I think we miss the most when our partners are gone.

Hope you were able to sleep.

Karen

[rodless]

Hold on Naz... I know that sounds impossible but you can do it for your kids. We're all here to listen so go ahead and vent! Linda, hope all goes ok with new guy. It is so scary starting all over but you seem to be doing great. I can't tell you how I admire the weight loss. Nothing much new here. Day by day but doing ok. I listened to an interview with Steve Irwin's wife last night. She hit it right on the head for me. " I'm terribly lonesome for Steve, but I'm not terribly lonesome." she said when Barbaba Wa-wa asked her if she was lonely. What a dumb question to ask someone who's lost the love of their life! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, I didn't see the interview with Terri Irwin, but I read parts of it.  She sounds so much like she is doing things the same way I did that it amazed me - keeping Steve's things, and I so totally understand that being desperately lonely, but only for our partners - not for someone else.  Ishaq was out there in the public view a lot, as well, as Steve was - obviously Ishaq wasn't as well known as Steve Irwin, but in the Sufi and Red Cross communities he was a great teacher and leader - and there's Barbara Walters asking that inane question about will you find another romance.  Jeez. 

Naz, I'm so sorry things are so hard for you.  I'm keeping you in my heart and prayers.

I've finally set up my "Myspace"page, the url is

http://www.myspace.com/annaarmaiti

so if any of you here are on Myspace, please come check it out and add yourselves to my friends list.  I'm going to start a blog about the book I'm writing and staying in communication with our loved ones once they've passed.

So this is wierd - I was talking to Nurjamila, my friend who helped me so much when Ishaq first passed, and who was there when we dressed him and did ceremony for the cremation.  I was sitting on my couch in front of my window talking to her about Ishaq, and I heard three little taps on the big plate glass window.  I looked out but no one was there; I thought it even might have been a cat but no animal was there either.  Nurjamila said she thought it was Ishaq.  And then I had a nice dream of going on a trip with him, and eating at a neat little restaurant in some artsy town.  I so miss my trips with him, we always had such a great time.  Even when he'd want to take the back roads over the mountains with sheer drop offs on narrow byways that had me gripping my seat the whole way! 

Hope you all have a peaceful Sunday.  Remember to set your clocks back, those in the US!

Blessings,

Anna

[justkaren2]

Yesterday, it was six months since Richard died...also my mom's birthday (she died 20 years ago). Thought I would be okay, but I'm not.  I miss him so much.  I have been so sad this weekend, and right now, I am just plain angry.  Angry that I have to carry this heavy sadness around with me and pretend that everything is fine.  I miss him, dammit!  I don't want to look at his aftershave and his deoderant in my cabinet.  I don't want to listen to his old cell phone message again and again.  I want to look into his eyes and I want to talk to him.  I just want to look in his eyes and hold his hands and talk to him.  He had the most beautiful golden brown eyes with a mischevious twinkle. 

Oops, my daughter's going to catch me crying

[bsnurse76]

Today is the one year anniversary of Darren's death and my 31st birthday.  It has been a strange day.  I feel in shock still.  I think I may be trying to hide my emotions.  I just feel numb.  His birthday is tomorrow.   I miss him a lot and continue to think about our last few days together.  I still wish it was a bad dream.  Brandi

[crushedheart]

Hello everyone.. I'm just back to reading posts again and feelings of waking up each morning .. wanting to say Good Lord I'm still on this planet..still begging my husband to come back home...begging God to let him come back ..ect ect...Hope everyone is finding a little peace in your life's cause I sure can't..

[armaiti]

Brandi, happy belated birthday!  The first anniversary is hard, I know. And it's still hard after it, but I have found that I'm coming back to life more as time goes on...still have no desire to have another relationship, I'm still in one with Ishaq as far as I'm concerned. 

Crushed and justkaren, sorry you are having hard times, it's still so early in this process for you, and it will be up and down.  Sneaker waves is how I described them - being fine for a while and then wham!

I've been doing more on the Myspace page I set up (http://www.myspace.com/annaarmaiti)  Now I've set up a slide show of photos of Ishaq as well, farther down the page, and a link to the website I set up for him.  I've been trying to get a musician's page set up for him to upload his music, but the formatting kept screwing up and driving me crazy so I gave up for the time being...I'll get it up soon.  Doing the art and the photos and all is what seems to keep me going.  That, and doing my spiritual practices.  And getting back into exercise.  I started doing Tae Bo again on Saturday, and man was I sore the next day!  All those squats and punches.  I'm trying to mellow it by alternating yoga - our library has a great selection of DVDs by Shiva Rai and others.  I decided that's part of my goal this winter, to get back in shape - for me.  I cut sugar out too - I bought a bunch of fruit yesterday and when I get a cookie craving I'm eating grapes or mandarin oranges.  Sugar is a big one for me - I can't stop with just one cookie or piece of chocolate!  I feel a lot better emotionally when I'm off the sugar too. 

Hope everyone has a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Oops, I screwed up the link, it should be:

http://www.myspace.com/annaarmaiti

Peace,

Anna

[lindat]

Hi Ann,  Thanks for adding me as your friend   Linda

[amberi]

Hi everyone,

Still really confused about this new site but oh well

It has been an up and down battle for the last month. I agree sneaky waves for sure.

We are getting ready for my daughters sweet 16 party that is expecting to be around 200 people. ahhhh but sad reality kicked in that two days after will be Alex's 6 month anniv. that hit like a ton of bricks. Its weird some days I feel like I want to move on and dont know how and other days Im mad at my self for even thinking that way. Its just hard. My son went to science camp and I got a call two days into it that he was in the office upset. I got on the phone and he was crying so hard I couldnt understand him thought something had happened. When I finally got him to where he could speak some what it was cuz he was missing his dad so much and being in the woods reminded him of his dad and how much he wants him back. I was at work and started crying. Told him to think of the fun stuff they used to do and things that dad did to make us laugh. After awhile we were both laughing and he was ready to go back to the fun of camping. Those two were avid fishermen and hunters so for Dale it brought everything to a head being in the woods with all the sounds and animals. I do think it was good for him though to get it out and have those emotions but also to have fun doing the things they enjoyed. Im trying to make him see that its ok and dad would want you to keep hunting and all that and that dad was for sure hunting right alongside you.  I just cant imagine how hard it is for them cuz I know how hard it is for me.

Any ways I just wanted to take a moment before the birthday chaos.

Hope everyone is well and holding strong. My thoughts are with you all always. I truly say this MB saved my life. Cant thank you all enough.

Take care and big (((HUGS)))

[amberi]

Ok so at work I only had a pic of Alex so I put it up. I think I might like this after all. So this is my boo, Alex Isidro who passed on May 19, 07 just so you all can see. I will try to put a pic of me and him soon.

take care

Amber

[crushedheart]

Hello everyone ..Amber that's a great picture of your Alex...love seeing everyone's pictures ...Ladies if you haven't already done so ..you might want to go to *Coping with Loss* forum...read a post there by Turquoise...it  was such an inspiration to me ..might help some of you all as well....Hope everyone is finding some peace in their hearts today ..I know it's a hard thing to do ..with all the ups and downs we feel...My daughter told me today ...as she looked at me ..I seem to  be almost like a piece of stone...even walked like I have legs of stone...My husband would NOT want that ...he was such a kind soul he'd want me to Live now and find some happiness in my world.. and I'm going to give it the best shot that I can now...I want him proud of me ...hugssss and prayers for you all

[utegal]

It has been 5 weeks since my husband passed away. As with several of you I'm not sure how I stumbled onto this site. But I'm glad I did, I was feeling like I was the only one in the world feeling the way I do. But I have come to realize there is many of us coping with the biggest change in our lives. I too feeling like screaming and then I can barely hold myself up to get through the rest of the day. It is extremely exhausting and yet I everyday seems to be a different challenge in coping with my loss and broken heart. Today I needed to leave to take a walk and cry. My husband and I used to take long walks and I didn't take any walks since the day he left. The hardes thing was taking the first few steps, one in front of the other. I missed his touch, kiss, hugs and smile. What I wouldn't do to have a disagreement with him right now. But the reality of it all is I'm alone. I still have my children and bless their hearts for being gentle and understanding with me. But they are a reminder that there are somethings we just don't have a choice about, like their care and needs. But as I finished my walk I felt a little taller and in a way it was a time that I honored my husband's words. Walk with your head held high and be proud of who you are. So I finished in his fine fashion. My life has been full of firsts without him by myside and I know I yet to experience much more, like the holidays. That is going to be hard for me, because we had so many plans. I'm trying really hard to take it moment by moment and sometimes minute by minute.

Hugs to everyone!

[crushedheart]

Utegal...I'm so sorry you have to be here....but welcome ...I know what you're going through ..OH those first days ..the shock ..the numbness...I'm a little bit farther into this Grief journey  then you but not much ...But just know we're all going down the same road..You are not alone ..altho you may feel like it a lot ...and as the days pass ..you will get use to being on your own again..Not easy ..In fact it'll be the hardest thing you've ever done..other then losing a child..That hasn't happened to me ..Thank God... but giving up my soul mate OMG ..my world stopped the day he took his last breath ...Now I'm finding my path way back ..Hugs and Prayers for you and your children ...

[missque]

i havent beein on in a bit, things have been really busy with me lately. Im having a really hard today today, I found out Jeremys brother is engaged. Its been hard because they were together less time than Jeremy and I were. ITs hard to see thing ring on the girls finger and be happy knowing that im not gonna get that with jeremy. its been really hard and i hate it. I love his brother so much hes an awesome guy and i do want him to be happy buti ts so hard at the same time. why did my boyfriend have to die why not someone elses? i want my engagement, my wedding, my kids, my love , my house, my dog with him and i get none!

[naz496]

just wanted to say hi to everyone have caught up with some of the posts, but feel like ive been hit by a mack truck. court finished this week and im drained and the kids were very angry with ,me for leaving them during the day to goto court. anyway its all finished and im awaiting a verdict could take mths.

I feel relieved its finally over

Im sorry u all are here but glad u are at the same time.

hope everyone finds some peace today.

naz

[aprilmoonflower]

I just tried to post here, but it's not here..lol.

maybe I will get the hang of this board soon. it's set up so wierd though!

[laquinn]

It's been 4 weeks since Randy died and the longest hardest 4 weeks of my life. I sat down today and went through some of his work stuff he was a policeman for 28 years before he got sick and jsut to set here and look at the books and his badges and pictures was so hard. Talked to his chief and it was so hard to do it trying to turn stuff in and get things taken care of. I lost my dad in may of 06 and my grandmother in December of 06 but this is so much harder to get through. I just he was here with me and we could go back a few years before he got sick. I miss the times that we spent together and the things we used to do. It is just so hard at times sometimes I can get up and do things and other times all I can do is cry. The hardest part this past weekend was picking out his headstone that was really hard. The kids were here to help me but it was still very hard.

 

Thanks for listening Lela

[rodless]

Lela, it is still such a short time for you. I remember sitting at my husband's funeral thinking he should be beside me helping me get through it like he was at my dad's and every other important event. That was such a wierd feeling. When someone has been there all the time for you, words can't describe what it's like to have them missing. One step at a time at our own pace is all we can do. Mary Jo

[crushedheart]

My dear Lela...my heart aches for you just knowing how hard those first days and weeks are...mine is almost 4 months...I am just starting to have a few good days now..I have even laughed a few times in the past serveral days..never thought that would be possible ...and i'm beginning to feel at peace with a lot of what's going on now in my world...Do I still miss my husband as much ..you bet I do...I just know nothing I can do will bring him back ..but I'll be joining him one day ...and until then I want to live again ..I read a post on *Coping With Loss * by Turquoise...it's really something I wish everyone that's feeling so lost now would read...It sure helped me

Lela...everyone on here can tell you what a mess I was 3 months ago ..These ladies took me under their wing ..and let me cry ..rant ..sit like a stone just reading .. and we're all here for you as well Lela...

Good to see you back too April..I know the board is a little hard to manuver ...but your post is showing ..

good to see you Mary Jo... and Anna ...and everyone

Take Care everyone ...hugsssssssss and prayers are with you all....

[missinmyhubby]

Seems like we have lost a lot of people because of the changes.... 

[grannyc]

(((((((Hi))))))))) to everyone!

Oh you poor gals, so early in your walk.   Its like being on auto pilot BUT a very painful auto pilot.   We get just ripped apart.  We have lost 1/2 of ourselves, remember 2 shall become1.   And, now he's gone.  I HATE IT!  Its been 16months for me and nothing will ever be the same!!

Let's just be here for each other.  None of us were ready to say "Good-Bye"

Good Night, All

GrannyCheryl

[laquinn]

I would like to thank all of you for your words of encougment the past few weeks, but here I go again it's almost 2 in the morning and i can't seem to sleep again. I told you eairlier that I lost my dad in May of 06 his girlfried of 25 years told me that it was like someone had ripped her heart out and I thought to myself but you guys were not together all the time (they did not live together) they did different stuff and sometimes not see each other for a couple of days. But now that I have lost my husband after 27 years together and seeing each other everday it feels to me like some tour out my heart and just keeps jumping up and down on it.

Today just seem to be so hard for some reason I listened to the music I had played at the fureral and all I could do today was cry I have tried to sleep tonight but I just start crying again. I am not sure if it is because the holidays are coming up really soon we always had the family dinner at our house and this year I am not sure that  I can do it or not, have had a couple of invites but just not sure if I can do that yet either.

This whole thing just dosen't seem fair at all he should still  be with me here like we always have been. He was to young to go now. And they say that the cancer deaths are going down I don't know where but it just dosen't seem to be fair.

I really miss Randy alot !  :X We had plans to go to Mississippi for Christmas this year and I can't go without him that was our favorite place to go and be by ourselves I don't think I can ever go there again.

Well Thanks again for letting me blow off some steam

Lela

[naz496]

lela and all the unfortunate new people to this site.

how I feel your pain. its been 11 mths tomorow,for me and the pain doesnt go away  it gets different, I will never find the other half of me its gone and I now have to find myself again. last xmas was a bler and I too am dreding this one. with young children I know I have to do xmas but I would like to sleep through it. I dont want any decorations up ofr the tree up. dont know how to do this one as I know I have to do something for the kids.

life for all of will never be the same, it doesnt get easier just different, every new day brings different pain.

I mke people cry all the time, and its not on purpose thats just my life, and yours too I expect. I done post that often anymore feeling very tired these days. but I do read.

hope every one finds peace today.

naz

[naz496]

I cant remember if I posted this. I couldnt decide what to do for Mal's first annivesary. Ive decided. I do hope you will all join in, andin memory of for your loved ones as well.

[align=center]National Big Heart Day[/align]

[align=center]11th December.[/align]

[align=center]National Big Heart Day[/align]

[align=center]11th December.[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

 

People ask me what I am doing for Mal's 1yr anniversary and I didn’t know. I just want him to be remembered.

I have always said that Mal died because his heart was so big. He gave to anyone that asked or didn’t ask, and gave nothing for himself.

This was at the cost of his life.

So in memory of his life I would like to declare

11th December

NATIONAL BIG HEART DAY.

My children and I would like all our family and friends and their family and friends and so on,

On 11 December to Please remember Mal and what a beautiful person he was, and treasure each minute you have with each other, as it can so easily be taken away.

In his honour I would like everyone to do one nice thing for someone on this day.

It doesn’t have to cost anything, It could be as simple as offering your seat to someone on the train, 

Offer one of your neighbours the hand of friendship, invite them for coffee.

Give someone less fortunate a hand.

Donate something for a child for Christmas to the salvos or st Vincent DePaul etc to a child that won’t get anything.

I would love for the schools to participate.

Children, ask a child that is sitting in the playground by themselves, to play with you and your friends,

Invite a person you don’t sit with to enjoy lunch with you.

Make a coffee for a colleague that you don’t normally interact with.

Say hello to someone on the street, most people are to busy and ignore each other.

This is my one wish for this horrible day. That something nice happens on this day.

Mal gave to everyone and I want this to live on in all of us.

I would love for people to reply after this day and tell us what you did, for someone else On BIG HEART DAY.

 I would like to collate this into a book for my young children so as they can know how much daddy gave to everyone and that his generosity lives on in all of us.

I will send another email in December to remind everyone, but I would like people to think about it, and remember their families. Not just on this day but all days.

I thank you all for helping this horrible day seen less horrific.

Many thanks

naz

[align=center][/align]

 

 

[crushedheart]

Hello everyone...Yes Naz... and those are all good ideas..I have Dec 11th circled on my calender as a reminder of Big Hearts Day...I'm going to get helium ballons  with each person's name in this thread ...let them fly to the Heavens on that day ..We will be doing that  for my husband on Thanksgiving as well as Christmas...I mentioned it to my daughters and they loved the idea...altho I got the idea from someone who posted it here a while back ..

Granny nice to see you ...as you can see granny I am making good strides now..Hope your doing better and your nephew as well...

In the beginning ...I sure didn't want to have anything to do with the holidays at my house  any more..But i've sinse come to realize I have grandkids and 2 wonderful daughters that need me now...My grandson looked so sad when I said No we won't be having Thanksgiving dinner here any more...he got a tear in his eye that killed my soul again ..he said granny we can't bring grampa back but he'd love it if we did things like we normally did ..So yes we'll be having the dinner here...I will be putting up my tree and everything else that goes with making Christmas a good one for my kids...will it be easy ..Heck NO...looking at the 2 empty chairs this year..But we'll walk through it together ...I lost my dad 2 weeks after my husband...and we were his care givers...Both will be missed this year ...We will be doing a Blue Christmas theme In honor of our beloveds..My wish for you all is to be gentle with your selfs...do what works for you and your family's to get through it...wish I could hug everyone of you ..and make it OK for you all...Hugsssss and many prayers are with you all

[airymoon]

Hello every one

im trying to read posts more and  i havent been replying because i just do not like this new format. Maybe i just dont like changes but it seems un familiar and im not comfortable in it like before. Im having a hard time this year with the holidays maybe because last year i tried to prepare myself for it being hard and this year i thought it would be a little easier or at least not as bad and it seems to be worse. I'm not feeling well either my kids have had colds and lucky me i think mine is going into bronchitis and i have no insurance for doctor visits. just feeling crappy and missing kurt.  I hope everyone is doing well and i hope to see more people on here. Seems like we lost some on the switch and i hope they make it back to here.

Becky

[armaiti]

Hey Becky, sorry you are sick - you might want to try this stuff called "Sambucol"- it's an herbal syrup that you can get at most health food stores, with elderberry in it, and it works wonders on colds and lung stuff and sore throats. 

I've been doing pretty good - went to see my chiropractor yesterday as I was so dizzy the last few days I was having a lot of problems - a massage therapist pullled on my neck the wrong way and I think it did something wierd that resulted in me being dizzy a lot.  I'm about 75% better today, still get a little dizzy, but the chiropractor said it might take a couple of days for everything to get back to normal.  I haven't been able to exercise though which bums me out because I was really enjoying it.  Hopefully by Monday.

I'm looking forward to my friend being here with me for Thanksgiving, then she and I will co-lead a Sufi evening the nex day.  So that's good.  And I'm thinking of having a tree and inviting folks from our community to come and we'll have a little party and each hang an ornament on the tree and share a memory of Ishaq.  I have to create new traditions now.  I've enjoyed our trees in the past...I'm going to get a smaller tree though - Ishaq always wanted BIG trees and they never fit, we always had to cut off about the top 1/3 to make them fit!  And a smaller tree will be safer with Mckenzie - she is such a tree climbing kitten, I can just imagine what would happen...Disaster!

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

I don't like the new format either. I liked being able to go back and see the posts while I was writing in case I had to spell a name of something. Have not been posting because nothing has happened around here except a bad case of stomach flu that kept me home for four days. Yuck. I feel much better today but not looking forward to seeing my desk at work tomorrow. Right now I don't feel much of anything... sorrow, joy, whatever. Just enduring and getting through each day. Sometimes it's nice to be in neutral for awhile. Hope all of you are doing okay. Mary Jo 

[aprilmoonflower]

lol. maryjo. neutral is a good way to put it. glad you are feeling better.

[armaiti]

I went to a service this morning that was a Taize service one of our band members was helping with.  Lots of singing, which was nice...there's the Interfaith Service tonight and it's all about gratitude but I'm staying home because right now I don't feel up for doing a whole "I'm so grateful" thing.  I don't know of anyone else that goes who has lost their partner, sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in this city going through this...at least it seems that way in the spiritual community I'm involved with...I'm just getting tired of being alone all the time, but it's a catch-22 because I don't want another partner/boyfriend/etc either.  Sigh...wish we all lived closer so we could get together for drinks and keep each other company...

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

isn't that the truth! I wish we could go shoe shopping together! lol.

 

I've been listening to Bill Frisel's "Ghost Town" all day. very fitting for my mood.

[grannyc]

:shock:Oh my goodness, ""The Holidays""" and with them starting this year so early I can hardly stand it!!!!!!  shoppiing last weekend already with Christmas Music going was more than I could handle.    ((Find me some poor decorated tree in the store, Sorry, but I'd like to smash it!!))

My nephew, Tom, that spent so long (almost 3 wks) in a coma, took his first steps on his own last Friday.   He seems to be gaining strength everyday.  His insurance Co. now wants to cap his funds and send him to a nursing home.   40 yrs old and into a nursing home........May as well throw away the key without any physical re-hab for him!  Right now the ReHab Center is hoping to get permission to keep him there until November 22.  Thinking by then he could get back to his apartment and have phys therapy and home healthcare come in.   At first if he needs someone with him over night we will set up a schedule and work together to get through this time.   I just so feel like we have had a miracle occur, when he laid in a coma his prognosis was so"nothing"   It is great to see him regaining his mobility.   Thanx for prayers!((()))!

My daughter and kids will be buying a house this week and moving.  They have lived in our basement since before Tim died.   I don't know what I'd have done without those kids here during this tuff time.   But, I do think it is due season, and they have found a great house less than 2miles away completely furnished,  The moving day is this Friday. . .

Well, I don't know much, But, I too like that NEUTRAL thought.   Cuz I have been there recently, maybe just existing. . . . .Working alot, sleeping, running errands, etc. the week just cycles back and around again.  Not much to look forward to either.

Well, make it a good week one and all. . . . At least as good as can be; one minute at a time!

Glad to have found all of you,

GrannyCheryl

[armaiti]

I got a call tonight from Ishaq's son's wife - they are pregnant!  It is both happy and sad for me of couse, Ishaq was soooo good with kids and he loved babies (whereas I am much more into kittens...) he would have been such a great grandpa.  I'm sure he is smiling though.  I had a feeling that she was pregnant when we saw them last - I told her when she called, and she was pretty amazed.  I said I have an informant on the other side!

Life goes on, doesn't it?

Grannyc, if necessary contact a lawyer about the health insurance stuff - they will try to get away with spending the smallest amount possible but they can't do something that will impede his recovery without the possibility of a lawsuit.  Even the mention of "lawsuit" or lawyer might make them back down...

Blessings,

Anna

[grannyc]

;)Thanx, that has been tossed around by Tom's parents.   It seems the Insurance Co. want to rule the world, doesn't it!

Figured out (with my computer savy son) how to get a picture on this.   I have so enjoyed seeing who is who as we walk along side of each other through this pain.

GrannyCheryl  :X

[grannyc]

Aprilmoon, I see you are online.

How are you?  How has your weekend been?

GrannyCheryl

[Error username not found]

yeah...havent been writing..annoyed with the format too. i just have been feeling weird lately. im sad all the way through my chest. its a weird heavy feeling but i dont know. im also detached. i dont seem to be soo sad like i used to..but i have my moments. i feel like im losing him. i havent seen him in so long or got to tell him things in so long i really feel lost. its funny..i was looking at my son today while he was making faces JUST like his father and it felt really good. i actually get to see the faces his father used to make ,in person, because of my son. i love him. anyway ive been going back to school so i can get i really good paying job, and im happy to say that im getting A's.i just have to keep it up cause i really want to do this for my son and his father. ill be able to show them that its ok that he died. he didnt mean to leave us and ill make it for us.goodnight everyone.

[missinmyhubby]

Naz - excellent idea!!!

Becky-sorry you are feeling so blah L I made it up here yesterday…lots of old feelings.

Anna-sorry about your dizzy spells…are they better yet? CONGRATS on the soon to be new arrival!!! I bet you would have been a wonderful grandma right along with your Ishaq! And, I so agree about all of us living closer…wouldn’t that be nice.

Mary Jo-Sorry to hear you have been sick. Neutral is good sometimes…

April-nice to see your perty face J

Bacafly-you hang in there girl…your last post was very nice.

To everyone else-I have been absent a lot lately…sorry L I must get in the groove of getting on here more and learning all the newcomers. I just do NOT like the new format either. Sorry you are here, but welcome nonetheless!

Okay….YESTERDAY ABSOLUTELY SUCKED and was very nice at the same time. I was scheduled to fly out of Wisconsin this week. They brought me in yesterday…a day early. Which was good in the sense that I was suppose to get to meet 2 of 4 grandchildren I had not met in person yet. However, my plane was delayed which made me miss the connecting flight..grrr. This resulted in me arriving at my daughters house up here 3 hours late. So, I got to meet only one, as the others were fast asleep. However, I got to stay up all night with their momma, my wonderful daughter, and sit together like old times in the Denny’s where we drank soda and coffee ‘til we hours of the morning. The hard part…for those of you who know me, know that I have not been back to my husbands grave site since we buried him a little over 4 years ago (distance and financial reasons). At the time his headstone had not been put in place yet. How could I come all the way here and not go see him??? The anxiety of it all has been super high the last few days… I did it though…I went. The picture shows his headstone….and now, my heart feels as heavy as the stone they make them with….I am not sure it was healing as of yet…it feels like the scab has been torn fresh open…Alrighty, I will be back…L

[aprilmoonflower]

angel- ugh. I know how you feel. though for me it's a crematory certificate not a headstone. ugh. ugh. ugh. I can't imagine how hard it is to deal while married to another man too! he must be such an understanding person!

baca- sounds like you are doing a little better. it DOES get better. a little. and you are so lucky to have your son by your side! what a legacy! truly.

grannyc- my weekend was ok. pretty uneventful as usual! baked bread, did some writing and played with the kids..among other things.lol. our single parents group isn't meeting so much for the next 2 months due to holiday's. That is really my only social outlet atm on the weekends though. I did join a holistic mom's group but that group was fizzling out before I joined and has now dispersed. ugh. theres a homeschool group, but it's so far to drive (2 hours+ round trip) especially as my kiddos are too young to really care as of yet! I am just enjoying my time with them at home currently..and still working on creating a homestead! we currently have 2 goats, 4 ducks and a few dozen chickens! I am working on truning my front gardens into edibles this winter (ala food not lawns).  also I want to learn how to make cheese and build a solar oven..so there is much to do, it's not like I am ever bored! lol.

Also I am opening a massage therapy/shiatsu studio in my house though! (new project) though I probably won't start working for at least a year. just working on rennovating a studio first (slowly time and finances permitting) otherwise  nursing & paralegal school is on hold now for at least 2 more years (I quit before I began essentially) I want to change schools and be able to pay outright rather than worry about student loans. also I am finally ready to do bodywork again. and I am also concentrating on my writing too. there are so many writing jobs to be had! and I do have alot to say!

Anna- I still didn't forget your story! (expect an email from me in the coming week sometime!) I have had to wait though until I get more than 5 minutes at a time though to sit down and read it! (ie;kids) btw I've been meaning to ask, do you plan to make bumper/window stickers at all with your designs? (you totally should if you haven't considered it!)

so lately I almost feel guilty for starting to ENJOY my life again. I am actually rather happy to be single now. really it's kind of nice. no one to fight or confer with. all the decisions are mine and I LIKE IT that way! but then I feel guilty about it because of DH being dead. it's such a wierd set of emotions!

[armaiti]

April, that's a good idea about the stickers...I think they added them after I started, so I need to go do that.  Today it's really nasty out - rainy and windy and we're supposed to get gusts up to 45 mph, so I  think I'm staying in today and working on stuff here.

Angel, sorry about the plane delays and all! But glad you got to spend time with family.  I also don't have cemetary thing, I have Ishaq's ashes, well a lot of them, his family has some.  Yesterday when I went to that Taize service it was in the same Unity church where I'd held Ishaq's Celebration of Life the year he passed.  So that was a bit hard, being there for the first time.  And yet not hard, it looked so different from the way we had it set up. 

I'll still get to be grandma to Ishaq's new grandbaby, I'm very much in their lives and they live closer than his other kids.  I was joking with my ER nurse friend, who I used to say she and my friend Samia were in the "hot grannies club" because they sure didn't look like my grandmother did!  So I called her last night and told her that I got to be in the hot grannies club too!

I did write back to your daughter, do you know if she got the email?

Oh, and the dizzy spells are getting better...I read some about it online, and I may see my chiropractor again this week, but everything I read made me feelt there's nothing to worry about.  I just don't go to doctors and dizzy spells are so generic that if they ran tests it would be astronimcally expensive.  I trust my chiropractor and herbalist and acupunturist a lot more (and they are all friends which helps!).

Blessings,

Anna

[portia]

Hello to all, I have been looking for a website that I can talk to someone who has or is going through what I have faced for the past several months and in the process to face the coming years.  My husband for 10 years developed cancer that was never seen before at the top hospitals around the world, needless to say all the chemo,  and other treatments didn't work; he passed on 15th of July of this year.  I have two children 6 and 10.  Each day seems to be harder and harder.  I feel like sometime my heart is about to burst out of my chest.  There are days when I just cry all day long.  Now that the holidays are near, I don't want to do anything but within I know that I have to for my children.  I have been days without sleeping; go to work, take care of kids and do the same thing the next day.  I have finally got the guts to go to my bed; however, it is still hard to sleep.  I really don't have friends that I hang around.  Life was all about my husband and children.  So I really don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't want to bother anyone, but I know that I need help and with work and children everyday the only time I have is on the weekends and most support groups meet during the week.  What can I do?  Is there something that I am missing in looking for help.  My children seem to be handleing this better than me.  If you have been through what I am going through please advice.  Thanks for your time.:X

[armaiti]

Potia, so sorry you have had to find us, but this is a good place to be.  I have a lot of friends who have been supportive, but no one else to talk to who has gone through losing their partner.  It's been fifteen and a half months for me.  Yes, it has gotten easier, but I still can get hit by waves that take me by surprise.  I know the not sleeping thing, I did that for months after Ishaq passed.  Keep coming here and posting, there are quite a few moms here too that can help more than I can. 

My spiritual teacher told me that I shouldn't make any big changes in my life if I didn't have to for one full year, one full walk around the sun.  She also would say to me often, "just remember, baby steps".  Getting through one minute, one second at a time is all we can do.  I believe our beloveds are with us, sending us signs and watching over us. 

We are all here for you,

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

If you hear laughing from above, it's my husband...I just superglued two fingers together. At least I found a use for his orange hand cleaner stuff.  I used to just leave this stuff on his workbench and it would come back to me all fixed. Aughghhh!!

[rodless]

Portia, I am sorry you had reason to find this place but since you have, it is a good place to be. Read through back posts and you will find help and support and will know you are not in this alone. I was probably about your age in 1983 when a divorce left me with a 4 and 6 yr. old so I know where you're coming from. (In some ways divorce and death can be quite similar.) Holidays are brutal but with small ones you just have to force yourself. Years from now you will be gald you did it for them. My heart goes out to you and I hope you stay with us here. It will help as much as anything can. My 2nd husband, the love and light of my life, died a year ago July. Mary Jo