I Miss Him So...

[missque]

naz- so sorry to hear about your upset while trying to get away. I understand how you feel about toxic people. I too have been cleaning my friends out. I had one tell me on the 3 month anny. of my boyfriends death that it was time to get over it and move on and think of him as a friend... i havent spoken to her since. I think during this time its important for us to have as much positiveness in our lives at this time. good luck over the next few months.

[crushedheart]

Hello everyone..we had some horrific storms come though our area last night ...I was up and down most of the night ..wind howling through trees sounded louder then usual...I sure missed having my husband here to tell me everything would be alright ...He was my ROCK...I feel tired today ..more like drained..but getting through it a little bit better...Hope everyone has a good day ..good as one can expect walking this lonely road...Take Care of yourselfs...Hugsssssssssss

[rodless]

I heard about the storms on Nightline last night. I hope things are better today. The sun's out here. Yeah!! We're supposed to have a couple of nice days before we go back to rain.

There's a nice article on surviving grief in Nov. Hallmak magazine if anyone gets it. I was checking it in today at the library and it fell open to that page. Coincidence? or someone watching from above?

Naz, I hope your life starts going a more positive direction. Toxic friends need to be discarded and you need to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. I know how hard it is with small children to face holidays when you really would like to completely ignore the whole thing. I went through that after my divorce. I made myself do the Santa etc. thing but I have never liked Christmas since.

Everyone...hang in there!! Mary Jo

[airymoon]

Naz i hated christmas last year hated everything about it. I knew my kids wanted a tree and i put ours up but i didn't put up all the other devorations. I did get some of the ones that weren't fragile down and told my kids there they were and if they want5ed to they could put them out and we would deal with putting them away later. some are still out! lol read back you'll see our discussions of shooting decorations with paintball guns and kicking the happy little heads off the deer. I hopw this year will be better for everyone and if not then se'll keep the christmas bashing alive on here. Just try to remember to do what is best for you kids but dont ignore what is best for you too. Try to find a happy medium its hard and then come here and vent. Im with ya on not doing anything but the kids aren't so i will have to do something. Hell i got to get through halloween first.

Becky

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm an atheist so xmas is really just another day for me. of course I feel like I HAVE to do it now as I feel like the kids will miss out. on what though I wonder? (consumerism?) we have no family nearby and I prefer to be alone on holidays.lol.

I still haven't figured that one out..

[missque]

Today would be my 1 year anniversary with Jeremy. Even though we were not together long he was the one. I can't explain the feelings or anything i just knew my angel my dad sent from heaven. i took the day off work cuz i knew i wouldnt be up to doing anything. I remember today like it was yesterday.. we had been friends for a month- met in class. I was late on the first day and there was only 1 seat left and it was beside him. We clicked right away. We chatted on line every day for hours. On Oct 19th me and some friends went to the bar (im in university- not much else to do). Jeremy was there with some friends also. We hung out all night and went to another bar with my friends and his. My friends knew i liked him but i didnt think he liked me. They plotted together to get him and i together that night (i found out after the fact) Apparently his friends did the same thing without us knowing- i found out after he had told them he really liked me and not to make an ass out of themselves. We danced together at the end of the night to a slow song and as i pulled away he grabbed onto my hand and wouldnt let it go. We both went home that night and chatted online.. he laid it all on the line and told me he was so scared to ask me out because he didn't want to scare me away because he didnt know what he'd do without me in his life and that i was the most amazing thing that had happened to him even if it was just as a friend and if i didnt want more than he'd be happy with me as a friend. We went out for dinner and a movie the next night together and went back to his house. We stayed up all night talking and feel asleep on the couch together. We parted ways that day so that he could go to work and i could go home. But we ended up meeting up again that night also. We joked that it was the longest date ever in the world because it lasted like 3 days. We spent every waking moment together after that. I just wish I could see him together. Just give him a hug and tell him how much i love him... How can the person whos supposed to be the one not be> How can something that felt so right and amazing now be something that wasn't that. That wasnt supposed to be the one? It hurts so much not to have him here today. The longest we ever went apart was 3 days over the christmas holidays I came back early so that we could spend new years together. I just wanna make sense of everything and yet i cant and i know i never will.

[airymoon]

missque----never doubt he was the one. That was such a beautiful story! I dont want this to sound bad or in any way hurtful but im sure he was the one for that time What you two experienced is very rare and special so please dont doubt that but if you had known how it would end would you still have been so sure. If i had known how it would have been with my husband i think it may have made it harder to enjoy him so much. I think i would have always been waiting for the end and i would have missed so much. It was right and amazing for that time in your life and try to think of how lucky you were that you two were together even if it was just for a short time. I know it sucks and it hurts and in no way is it fair but dont doubt what you had

Becky

[crushedheart]

Becky is right missque...that was a beautiful story ..I enjoyed reading your post..I just got home from visiting my husband at his grave site...I was worried about the windy storms we had blowing his flowers away ..everything was still in tact...I hate going there...it still takes my breath away ..I can stay maybe 5 mins with out breaking down ..it's a beautiful day here ...sunny and bright ..going to try to do some much needed yard work ..get ready for Winter..keeping busy helps sometimes when i'm not feeling down and drained..

Granny C ...hope your nephew is doing well..everyone else...have a good day !

Prayers and hugs for you all...

[missque]

Airymoon- Thank you.. and I understand what you meant about the one for the time.

My god mother sent me this forward and i wanted to post it for everyone because i know you all will understand it right away!

>People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

>When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that

>person.

>When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a

>need you have expressed.

>They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you

>with guidance and support,

>to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem

>like a godsend and they are.

>They are there for the reason you need them to be.

>Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient

>time,

>this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to

>an end.

>Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

>Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

>What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire

>fulfilled, their work is done.

>The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to

>move on.

>



>

>

>Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn

>has come to share, grow or learn.

>They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

>They may teach you something you have never done.

>They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

>Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

>

>



>

>LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

>things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional

>foundation.

>Your job is to accept the lesson,

>love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other

>relationships and areas of your life.

>It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

[rodless]

missque.. I really liked that forward. I typed the first line into a net search and got a nice copy to print out and keep. Thanks. I believe a lot of what it says fits my life.

[missque]

rodless- i think that every single one of us who have lost someone knows exactly what part of that we fit into...

[stillsad]

Good Morning,

I have been dealing or trying to deal with my husband's probate. The attorney that I hired will not call me back. I keep calling and calling and finally called another attorney and asked what I should do.

I could not believe it but he picked up the phone and called the other attorney. Of course he was not "in" so the secretary talked and I was on the speaker phone.

So he told her to "light a fire" under her boss and get this done. Now I am having second thoughts. I have had questions that he hasn't answered and so I called again today.

I need to find out for sure if I am responsible for my husband's hospital bills. The only insurance he had was through the VA and they are not paying. There are quite a few bills and I have called and written them until I am blue in the face.

Has anyone here had any luck with getting the VA to pay hospital bills. They claim that we could have gotten him to the hospital 90 miles away to their ER just as easily as we did the local one. But he died in the ER at the local hospital and I do not think he would have lived long enough to go 90 miles.

Any advice is welcome.

Debbie.............Missing Curtis (It has been 22 months)

[stillsad]

Good Morning,

I have been dealing or trying to deal with my husband's probate. The attorney that I hired will not call me back. I keep calling and calling and finally called another attorney and asked what I should do.

I could not believe it but he picked up the phone and called the other attorney. Of course he was not "in" so the secretary talked and I was on the speaker phone.

So he told her to "light a fire" under her boss and get this done. Now I am having second thoughts. I have had questions that he hasn't answered and so I called again today.

I need to find out for sure if I am responsible for my husband's hospital bills. The only insurance he had was through the VA and they are not paying. There are quite a few bills and I have called and written them until I am blue in the face.

Has anyone here had any luck with getting the VA to pay hospital bills. They claim that we could have gotten him to the hospital 90 miles away to their ER just as easily as we did the local one. But he died in the ER at the local hospital and I do not think he would have lived long enough to go 90 miles.

Any advice is welcome.

Debbie.............Missing Curtis (It has been 22 months)

[crushedheart]

Good morning everyone...

Debbie have you tried going to the local hospital and explain your situation ..sometimes they will forgive the debt...or let you set up small payments..I had bills left over that the insurance didn't cover..I went face to face to the hospital's billing dept.. ..they wrote the bills off..Good Luck Debbie..

[egrayl]

I want to share this beautiful affirmation. Thought you might appreciate it as I did.

Moving on

It's what everyone

wants me to do

They all think that I should

but no one tells me how

Moving on

Is it some kind of a trip?

Does it require a destination?

I hardly have energy

to be where I am

Where would I find more?

Moving on

Away from who I am now?

Away from all I have known?

Away from my pain?

Away from your death?

But where could I go

that all of this

would not go with me?

Nowhere I think

Now if only they'd leave me alone

When I am ready

I will find my own way

To move on while

taking you along.

(by Deb Kosmer, MSW,CSW; Bereavement Support Coordinator, Affinity Visiting =

Nurses Hospice)

Hope this can help.....Having a tough week....Listening to alot of music to sooth....

[crushedheart]

That's what I'd like to know as well egrayl...in 5 days it'll be 3 months sinse I had to give up my husband...everyone keeps telling me to move on like we're a bunch of cattle in a herd...where do we move on to??????? Gosh sakes alive ...don't they know we're at a life time *STOP SIGN*...Living in a small town I can't even go to a store with out memories of my husband...Do they mean move away ?? what would that Help...he was my life...how do I move on ..Sorry folks ..just another long lonely night and feelings on my shirt sleeve tonight ..Tears won't stop now..and i'm babbling again ...hugssssssss and prayers for you all...

[egrayl]

Dear Crushed Heart and everyone....

As far as I am concerned, not too many people "get it". It has been 15 months for me, but it might as well have been yesterday for the pain I feel at times. Some adjustments I have made and a few things are easier but the emotional part is much, much harder for me. I miss him terribly now.

I carry him with me and the love we had. This is what keeps me going. I feel he is right there on the other side in this journey with me.

Peace to all.

[missque]

I have this list stuck to my fridge its called "Melissa's milestones and accomplishments" it has stuff from moving out of our apartment to only crying 6 days instead of 7, going to the site of the accident to getting my memorial tattoo. When i hit the 3 month anniversary of his death i was already getting the 'u need to move on' comments from people. My profile on a chat page still says in a relationship= and they think theres sometheing wrong with me for that. As far as im concerned I am still with him- its not like we broke up so I'm not about to call him an 'ex'. I made this list to remind me that i have done a lot and just because they dont see it doesnt mean it hasnt happened. I chose to stick it on my fridge so that when people do come over its there and they can read it and maybe realize that I'm moving on as much as i can and as fast and my grief will let me.

I love the poem you listed- very true.

[airymoon]

Hello everyone,

i think you have to move through before you can move on and its not really moving on as much as it is living instead of going through the motions of living. and even then sometimes we are not as far through it as we think and it is a slippery slope at times and THAT IS OK. Nobody has ever told me to move on and it has been 16 months i think they no better than to unleash the anger. Missque that is a great idea about your list because sometimes it feels like i haven't accomplished anything and that way i could see it in black and white. I might just make one for me.

Becky

[rodless]

"I will find my own way...To move on while taking you along." That was a great affirmation,egrayl. I especially liked the last line. Thanks for sharing. I have really been feeling lately that I am moving on - slowly and on a zig zag path - but I'm taking Rod with me every step of the way. No one can take what we had away from me. But sometimes the memories aren't enough and I crash. No doubt that will happen for a long time to come. The next few months will be rough. Winter is hard. MJ

[armaiti]

Missque - I'm so with you on this! I say I'm still in a relationship with Ishaq when people ask me if I've met anyone new yet. I still love him as much as I did the last day we woke up together and kissed him goodbye, the day he never came home, almost fifteen months ago. I may never be ready to get involved with another person, and that's fine. If other people freak out, it's their problem, not mine!

Looks like a lot of us are on posting tonight!

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Winter, hell...it's all hard. Summer days I wanted him here with me. Spring days I wanted him here with me. And now fall days I want him here with me. I think the changes in season all bring their own problems because it's like knowing all over again that he's not here.

[rodless]

My goodness, other night owls! I always have been one and lately I've really had problems getting to sleep so I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open which is about where I am now. Weekends are too short when you work on Saturday. Godd night everyone...have a good Monday.

[egrayl]

Yes, MJ, the road is very zig-zagged. I realize lately just how huge this loss is for me, and that unless someone has experienced it they cannot appreciate the enormity. We need to give ourselves tremendous credit for simply continuing to function day to day.

I took a mental health day from work today. Just bumming around and will take the kids to birthday party later. Nice to have a day when I answer to no one and can just grieve.....God this stinks. I miss him so much.

Peace to all.

[missque]

My dad passed away when I was 15 and my mom is now with someone and has been for about 4 years. They arnt gonna get married- they dont see a point but it was so hard for me to accept him and it still is. I guess now being in that same position I can understand more. So many things I got mad at my mom for I'm doing. She re did every single room after it happened and I was so angry to me she was trying to erase him. But now with me- I understand that she was just trying to reinvent herself. Seeing her with someone and through everything with my dad I guess in a way gives me hope that I know one day I can be happy- Its just getting to that point.

[missyouhoney811]

I have been doing so well. Today, is another story. I could not stop crying. I actually feel very hateful.

[rodless]

Dorothy...It's ok to feel hateful. We have reason to. And I think the crashes are worse when we've been doing good because we get used to not feeling that deep sharp hurt. Cry it out and tomorrow (maybe even later today) will be better. Sometimes a day of feeling crabby is just what I need. I do try to make sure no one else is affected by it but we feel what we feel. It's usually a good time to clip a hedge - mine is really short - or yank out weeds. Thinking of you !! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, so sorry you are having a hard time today. I know it can sneak up on you at any time, I'll be fine one minute, then it will hit me like a ton of bricks. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself - whatever you are feeling is what is right for you to experience right now.

Blessings,

Anna

[crushedheart]

Let it out Dorothy ...it's raining here today ..I'm grateful for it ..but sure makes an awfuly sad feeling day ..and I want to Scream...I love the Lord...but i still say His Plan sucks...I want and need my husband BACK...

[egrayl]

Dorothy,

I have been very angry and even paranoid at times. Sometimes I worried I would not come out of it, but I do.

My prayers are with you.

[amberi]

Hi all,

Well I have some very upsetting news. I found out that on last Mon. night my cousin came home from work her husband was up stairs she went up and they were arguing he pulled out a gun held it to her head and called their two little girls up (ages 8 & 4) they came upstairs and while holding my cousin he shot himself in the head. The police think he was going to originally kill them all but couldn’t bring himself to it.

My family is at a total state of shock and disbelief. I now feel so far away and having a hard time trying to figure out how to help. I see what the must have felt like when Alex died.

I just cannot believe we have lost someone again it’s been 5 months since he passed and here we go again. I’m getting very scared now cuz in our family history deaths have always come in three’s. When my daughter passed her grandfather passed 6 months before and our very close friend died the week after his. Now I have lost Alex and a cousin –in-law who will be next the thought just terrifies me.

I haven’t been able to read any post lately but I did see some new names, which always makes me sad to see. But those of you who are new, my prayers go out to you and your families and I hope this board helps you the way it has helped me.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Take care, all,

Big (((((HUGS)))))

Amber

Hope to read post tonight.

[crushedheart]

OMG Amber...I don't know what to say !!! Those poor children ..Like you we have the "3 death history" ..My husband was the 3rd one ...My Prayers are with you all Amber...That was so shocking to read...

Hugs and prayers for you all

[armaiti]

Amber, I am so sorry to hear about your cousin...I have a sense of what you are feeling, as several years ago an old friend of mine set fire to his house on purpose, killing himself and his three children - his wife, also a friend, didn't come over that night even though he had called and tried to get her to come over. (She later said she was going to disappear and she has, no one has heard anything from her in a long time). It's horrifying when someone you thought you knew does something like this. Thankfully your cousin didn't hurt the children or their mother, but what a horrible thing to do to them all!

My suggestion about the three death thing is to try not to give it more energy - try to think of how, right now in this minute, the rest of your family are safe and alive. I'm a true believer in how our thoughts create energy and waves in the world - I know you are scared and worried, and it may be hard to do, but it might both help you stay calm, and help you feel like you are doing something to help prevent any more upheavals in your family.

I'm keeping you in my prayers and thoughts,

Blessings,

Anna

[Guest Guest]

Everyone-I am so so sorry for all of you losing the person you loved. I can't believe that I am coming up on 8 years of being a widow this February. I am the one who misses him so.

When I first became a widow at the age of 45 I felt so alone. And scared, really scared. And I wanted to die too. I thought I was losing my mind, really going crazy. I wore his shirts so I could smell him, I couldn't concentrate on anything, I couldn't even go to supermarkets because I'd sob when they played music. I literally felt as though someone had lifted me up and placed me in hell.

And it seemed that the outside world still wanted pieces of me when I felt everyone should let me mourn and leave me be, the hospital bills, the doctor bills. Then my heart physically hurt so I thought I was having angina. My doctor said no it's heartbreak. That's when I found out how physical grief is, it hurts when your heart's breaking. No hurt is too mild a word.

There is no coincidence that I found this site. This particular board saved my life. First I realized I wasn't going crazy, I wasn't alone in feeling what I felt and those women who had time held my hand. I spoke with Kelly and another woman on a three way conversation as they helped me. I am here today because of this board.

When I say I'm sorry I know exactly what all of you feel like. And I'm not going to say those stupid things like it gets better, time heals. It doesn't happen that way and those who have never been where we are will never get it.

What made me decide to write was reading about the anger.

The anger that came to me scared me, it was so immense. I was angry at God, I was angry at my husband for dying and a few months later one of our dogs died which made me even angier. And at the same time I didn't want to be angry-he didn't mean to die. And then the how could he do this to me and leave me here on earth came back on.

So I want to say, it's okay to be angry. Because that is an emotion. I was afraid God and my husband wouldn't forgive me until a mentor told me they already forgive me.

This is the darkest time ever in our lives. And we all need each other to hold hands and to cry together. We have become members of a club we never asked to join.

I don't know if you resent me writing but I just wanted to come here and say I still cry sometimes but it has gotten softer. Something I never believed when Kelly told me in the beginning.

I'm praying for all of you.

[airymoon]

Amber I am so sorry for you cousin and her girls. My problems seem very small compared to hers now. Just try to be there for her you a few steps ahead and are kind of holding the way for her, I know it will be hard but you can do this. and you two will need each other. Ive been on both sides and have a whole new understanding now. I even apologized to my sister who lost her husband for some of the thigs i sis that i thought were helping (like getting her out of the house 2 weeks after his death and not letting her hide).

Guest resent you NO WAY thank you thank you thank you

Becky

[airymoon]

the anger scares me too i am not usually a angry person very mild mannered and easy going but since kurt's death i am so mad at everyone and i think to hell with all of them even people i dont know. I see people together and i want to scream ot them i see people laughing and i get mad. It makes no sense there is no rhyme or reasonto it or when it will happen. It is slowly getting better but sooo slowly and i know its ok to be angry but i dont want to be forever.

[egrayl]

Guest, Thank you so much for writing and sharing your story. It is so good to know that it changes and softens.

Amber, I am so sorry for the tragedy and trauma you are all suffering. You may want to recommend a special trauma counselor. They can be enormously helpful. I will say a special prayer tonight.

[grannyc]

(((Egrayl))) Thanx for sharing your poem. It was very meaningful.

Haven't been on Indigo much the last days. My nephew has been in ICU, it'll be 3 wks.tomorrow. He is slowly awakening. Sat. we were able to visit with him - it seems mentally the grand maul seizure did not hurt him. His right side is paralyzed from a surgery 17 yrs ago. Now there is concern that his left shoulder is showing no movement. Needless to say he'll have rehab ahead of him, as soon as they are sure his petty maul seizures are back under control.

SO, VERY DIFFICULT TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS AND WITHOUT TIM. EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY LOUNGE HAS THEIR OTHER HALF TO CRY WITH AND I...........AM ALONE.

Sounds rather selfish after what my nephew is going through, HuH?

Also, My Brother had a throat surgery last week (He is the father to my nephew in ICU) his diagnosis came today, it was cancer as we suspected. They feel they got it all; doesn't have to be rechecked until Jan-08; his voice is very raspy and it will stay that way.

Gosh, I feel like hitting delete. This is really a poor me fest.

It does make me feel so all alone, I am 15 months from Tim's death, (my husband.) Some of the above I believe took me back to the first weeks after his death. My emotions have been unstable since his death, then add this and I can cry for NO reason. Just look at me wrong.

I'm not sure why I am even airing this. Maybe just to get it out.

I have my grief group tomorrow night that always charges my battery in one way or another. . .

I guess I have nothing really of value to write. Work tomorrow. And, each day rather slides into the next, not much meaning. . .Maybe this can sometimes be my "up" for the day. Sometimes no one else understands, Do they?

Sincerely,

GrannyCheryl

[crushedheart]

Hello everyone...Granny thanks for the update...I'm still praying for you all...

Thank you Guest...just read your words of encouragment...I too was very angry (still am at times) with God and my husband..at the world in general..I was so confused and felt like I was alone on the planet until I found this board..I think I felt everything you talked about in your post...sometimes every emotion and anger about everything came at once...other times I feel angry about ONE thing at a time....it's such a roller coaster ride..your post is all inspiring...well for a while I suppose..until my next crash ..take care everyone ..hugssss and prayers for you all

[lindat]

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the folks in CA that are affected by the fires. Michele, I am worried about you. My parents have been evacuated and are sitting in the parking lot of the high school in our town. There is no room inside. My mom is 80 with breathing problems and my dad is 90. My kids are all safe as far as I know, but my son is trying to reach his grandparents and hasn't been able to get through. Please pray for everyone affected - we need rain. I am still in MI and feel powerless to do anything, all the stuff I saved from Katrina will likely be lost - along with everything that I had of Terry. I learned then that it isn't about the stuff, but it still really sucks.

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda & Amber I am thinking of you both especially today.

[rodless]

Latest messages make any problems I have seem small and petty. I pray for all of you. Guess that's all I can do. I never really got into the anger except at stepkids for being so insensitive to their dad's feelings at the end. Maybe I used up all my mad on my divorce. I had enough then to last the rest of my life.

[mishknit]

linda..

i'm so sorry about your folks...it is so awful right now in the san diego area. i will keep them in my thoughts. Ilive in the flats...lots of smoke drifting around, but i'm ok. have friends affected by the malibu fires, but, personally we are fine.

sorry i haven't been on in a while...lots going on, including a bad flu, and i just haven't had the energy or time. I am so sorry for all the new people on here tho...this bb is a godsend.

peace to you all, and i'll be thinking about y6ur folks linda, keep us informed,

michele

[lindat]

Thanks Michele, I wasn't sure where you were. My nephew and his family evacuated Lake Arrowhead and then got separated from each other - his wife and the baby are safe, we haven't heard from him since yesterday. Terry's kids all live near Escondido and were evacuated yesterday - his daughter in Louisiana is keeping me posted on his family. My relationship here ended this morning - really tough day.

[rodless]

Saying a special prayer for you Linda. So sorry. MJ

[missque]

Im having a really hard day today.. I went to see my professor regrading some essays and she was also Jeremy's professor- they were very close. She said that she still sees him in the halls and I totally broke down in her office when she said that. I just really feel like I can't do this anymore- its too much without him. I just hate it.. I cried when I got home even harder and now im just totally worn out. I just dont know what to do anymore

[aprilmoonflower]

oh no Linda! I'm so sorry!

missque-no advice, but I know how you feel..we've all been there. eventually it won't hurt so much but for now you just have to get through it. ((Hugs))

[amberi]

Hi everyone,

I hope all your families are safe from the fires they are really out of control down there. Linda and Michelle my prayers are with you and your family.

Thanks everyone for the support regarding my cousin, she is hanging strong. I told her about the BB and when she is ready to come and read post or post that it really helped me. April (i think it was you) your right I have to help her through this and guide her as much as I can and as much as she wants me too. It will be hard cuz it has definatly brought all my pain right back to the surface. (prob. a good thing I was kinda gettin bottled up).

Please take care everyone, and I hope Anna your right I will try not to put to much enrgy into the three thing, I think it is true that if I think negative then negative things happen. And god knows I dont want more neg. So I am going to try what you suggested and see how it goes. Oh and last night I was reading something and it was talking about Sufi, and I had never heard of that until you talked about it but it really sparked my intrest. Just thought I would share.

Take care and lots of love to you all.

Amber

[missey]

I found this site a long time ago, when my husband was so sick. Sad that it's not the caregiver area but this 'loss' area now. My husband died of cancer just a month ago and I swear the pain is getting worse. When there is so much to do in the beginning, it numbs the pain but now, it's so terribly lonely. I just can't seem to grasp the idea that he is gone, that his life is over. We shared so much that nothing seems right without him. Each new day is just something to get through.

I've lost my mom and a close brother but nothing is like this....it touches every part of my life.

I called some grief groups today and was told that it was probably too soon for me to join, that even listening to others would cause me more pain .. she's probably right. I can't seem to walk through the house without tears. The radio sets me off. I can't get over how many times I want to tell him something. I miss his touch so much I ache.

How do you cope with this much pain and sorrow? I went to his grave site a few days ago and was shocked at how close he felt. I knew he was in that damn hole and I wanted him back. So unreasonable but such a strong feeling. He was just so damn close there. My head knows he's dead, but my heart wants him back...nothing will be the same again.. what a terrible thought

[aprilmoonflower]

Missey- I can't believe the groups you contacted think it's "too soon" even though you are reaching out. that is the most rediculous thing I've ever heard! can you find a group through hospice or maybe a personal counselor? (hugs to you) you aren't alone. keep coming here and posting! it will help!