I Believe in God...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, wow! nice that you are so organized. I'm far from that. hehehe. Our day aide, a culinary grad, did our cooking for thursday. All I did was bake ten dozen pumpkin cookies, which were gone within a blink. After all that rain, who won the game? Youth or wisdom? Keep your mind occupied as much as you can. My thoughts and many prayers are always with you. We're doing well here, but very tired trying to care for my sweetie. Nights are rough now, requiring a second person here and there throughout. No news on the nursing home placement though. Spoil yourself a little; you're worth it, completely, m'friend. hugs, Mark

[starchild]

Good Morning All; As usual I have to thank my higher power for another chance to give him honor and praise. My Thanksgiving was just that, an opportunity to reflect on how in spite of circumstances, my family and I are so blessed. Had an interesting encounter the other day. I ran into a friend that I haven't seen in years. He had heard about Stanley and sent a message to me but I didn't contact him back because I know how he feels about me and I wasn't ready for that kind of pressure. You should have seen the look on his face when he realized it was me. And the look on my face when I realized it was him. Ugh!!! Well needless to say he's staying in touch and though it's endearing, I have to be careful. When you accept someone's feelings you also accept the responsibility for them. I'm all caught up in my head about this cause even though care about him, I'm not ready for feelings yet. And you know part of me appreciates the attention. I really have to keep my motives in check here, I don't want anyone to get hurt. I'm weathering a storm in my journey with all these firsts still to come and at this point he looks like a port in the Bahamas, a getaway.(smile) HELP!!!! You know, my Lord has a weird sense of humor.

Well I hope this finds everyone having a blessed day. Please remember to be good to yourselves. My prayers for healing to all. Till then, Luv Ya

[lauraa]

Starchild:

It is so good to hear from you. I hope you Thanksgiving was good. I am glad you are getting reconnected with an old friend. You are a smart girl and I know you will be careful. Always guard your inner child. Keep talking with all of us and hopefully we can help talk you thru things.

Mark: Haven't heard for you in awhile and I hope you are all o.k. I'll bet everyone is resting from all those cooking you made....I hope everything with Mary is calming down.

I have been trying to take it easy this week. Monday night I went to bed at 8p.m. and forced myself to stay in bed until noon. My back hurt, I felt depressed, anxious and exhausted. It did me good. All this Christmas hoopla really gets on my nerves and it was my way of grounding myself to launch this holiday period and to put it all in perspective. I am getting ready to go for a nice walk with my pooch that I absolutely adore as she has been such a gift...she will be 14. We all just love her so much and we are just lovin' her up! Animals keep us grounded and are so unconditional with their love. We also have a stray cat we took in last year after a coyote got our cat of 10 years....she is a delight to have and so, so sweet!

I hope you all can keep the spirit of Christmas all in perspective. I know how difficult and lonely it can be when we all have suffered a loss like we have here. Dec. 7th was my husbands birthday and the day my dear daddy "passed". It is also the Christmas dinner party where I work and they wouldn't take no for an answer.....how do I get out of that...they were pretty forceful last year and I did not go but this year they are insisting....they love me. I just don't especially want to go with all married couples and on Dec. 7th.....guess I'll have to come down with a cold, lol!

Bless you all and your all with me daily.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, oh those "feelings". Please understand I'm not trying to stick my nose where it don't belong, but if I may insert a little something. This is your time of sorrow, and when you're ready, your heart will let you know. You know men well enough to not trust a one of us (we're such a vile species - hehehe). You're wise. As I go through this journey, and while I know it's so very far off, I keep this little mantra on repeat play; "all in God's timing". With time, healing comes to our hearts. Be patient with God and yourself. My prayers and hugs are with you, girl. luvz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thank you for missing me. I nearly ended up in hospital for exhaustion. Now I'm taking a month or two off to sleep. Mother isn't happy, but I must do this for me, otherwise I'll be in hospital. Care management is working on the details, so we don't know if she will be placed in a nursing home, or be able to remain home for a little while longer. For this weekend, we'll rest and enjoy what little time we have, and take Monday when it arrives. I'm glad you rescued the kitten from the coyote, but I do hope you aren't angry at old Wile E. Coyote. I raised one from a pup that I got when I was 12, and she became a well behaved pet (except for her penchant for porcupines). Like many here, I have to deal with a truckload of emotions. I miss Jenni so much. Friday, while driving to my doctor appointment, I saw a Camaro like hers, and I started crying so much, my aide made me pull to the side of the road. Kinda childish, eh? I'm sorry. I can't tell you what to do about the 7th. If this were my ballgame, I'd probably chicken, give a lame excuse like i have to record a song, and sleep through it. But, give yourself a treat, Laura. Take gentle care of your emotions and yourself. Thank you for just being the friend you are. hugs, Mark

[lauraa]

Mark.....I thought something was up. You need to take care of YOU. The stress of all this can really add up. You are human, too. If Mary was feeling like her old self, I am sure she would want you to take care of yourself....remember that, o.k.....Your boy would want to see you feeling better, too. I know you miss your Jenni....Remember, she is closer to you than your own heart. I know the pain! I am sorry for all you have to endure. The lord comforts those who mourn. Cry if you must...it is good! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Sleep, my friend!

[lauraa]

Hey Mark: If you get a chance to read, I just want you to know that I am thining about you and your family and hoping you are all o.k. and getting the rest and help you all need and deserve. Keep us posted when you can. God bless! (((HUGS)))

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, yes, my dear friend, I finally woke up, and when I got in here to read the messages, yours made me cry. Thank you for your kind words and caring heart. I do appreciate your friendship, a friendship this little city boy can never take for granted. My prayers are always, always with you and your children. For what we go through with all this, our children take a pretty big hit in their precious hearts. I'd give anything to ease the stress my children feel, as I know you also would. Thank you, Laura, for asking if there's anything you can do to help. Would you do this one thing? Spoil yourself a little. You're a good friend and wonderful mother, so you deserve no less than a little for yourself. I'm doing alright. Really. Just rired out. It's okay. I'll get the rest I need. (smiling). I'm going to try a little nap now, so I'll write more later on. Thank you so very much. We'll catch up with each other in a bit. Til then, a hug for my friend. Mark.

[lauraa]

Mark:

Try not to worry so and call on your support system for help. This is an extremely difficult time of year for us all. I am very tired, too. Just can't find the strength to do what I need to but somehow we do. I have been going to bed very early at night. Trying to get alittle extra rest that I need. My kids are all doing well and my oldest has finally got his anxiety and appetite back. Although, he wants to move to Ohio where I am from and stay with my family there.....this is good but has been emotional for me as it tapes into alot of feelings and is a reminder of how our lives took a 360. I think that is why I am so tired. Remember, to take that little extra bit of time for Mr. Mark...when we feel rested we do better with everything.

Bless you and your dear family!

Always in my thoughts and sending positive energy your way.

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone~!

This holiday season is leaving me emotionally exhausted. It has definately been harder than last year. This entire second year has been harder. I cry constantly thinkng about another christmas without Kagan. I didn't have christmas here last year and the kids want to this year and I don't think I am ready.

They are coming tonight to put up my christmas tree for the first time in years. I don't even care but I know I have to do it for my grandkids.

The funeral home that Kagan was at included him in their memorial service again this year. I took it harder than I did his funeral. Time keeps passing and I hate it. I find myself growing bitter and can't seem to control it. I don't even know if I really want to. My mom is also having christmas at here new house with her new husband. This will be the first time the family has gotten together since my Dad passed away 2 1/2 years ago. So there goes another heart wrencher. I just wish we could skip the holidays all together.

I will be praying for you all to find peace in your hearts. Please do the same for me if you would.

Happy Holidays

Christy

"Merry Christmas Kagan, Mommy loves you"

[lauraa]

Christy:

I know how you feel. I think the 2nd year has been extremely difficult in many ways. I doubt if we will ever truely get over our losses. When we loved so very deeply it is not so easy to let it all go...especially when they were so deep in our souls. I think the anger and depression stages of this horrid grieving business get intertwined and makes it all that much more difficult and heart wrenching. I am so sorry you have to live thru this without your sweet little Kagan. If it is any comfort, I think he is probally with your dad. And, I say let everyone put that true up and sit back and just watch and enjoy while you rest. Kagan is watching, too! Bless you and your in my thoughts.

.

[rodless]

Has anyone else seen the movie The Nativity? I wasn't sure what to expect but found it real and thought provoking... would be interested in other opinions. Sometimes (lots of times!) my faith needs a shot in the arm and I don't get that at church - too many distractions - too much preaching, but don't tell my son. He's a Presbyterian minister. Reading and quiet walks seem to do me better. Anyone else got a comment?

Mark and Christy... hope things are better with you, soon. Laura, I will be thinking about you tomorrow on the 7th. I know it could be a difficult day for you. It's the 5 month mark of my loss. Mary Jo

[kagansmommy]

Thank you so much Laura. The tree trimming went well. And I did just what you said. I sat back and watched for the first time in my life. The grandkids had a blast. They are 2 and 3 this year so they are a ton of fun. A little tough because Kagan would also be 3. My son and his wife had a good time too. He is 26 and this is the first tree put up since he was 17.

I even missed my ex-husband a little bit. We had such a tight family and did everything together as a family. I think I am grieving my divorce too if that makes any sence. David filed for divorce 2 months before my Dad passed so it all came down on me at once. I miss my family and the security. I feel like I am floating on thin air and I will come crashing down at any moment.

There has been a lot of activity in my house this week. I pray that it is Kagan letting me know that he is ok. I know he is with my Dad. In my dream my Dad was standing behind Kagan with his hand out waiting to take his. Waiting to take my baby home. I know that is why my Dad went first. He had to prepare for God's newest Angel.

Bless you all.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Maru Jo: Thank you for sending thoughts my way. I think my feelings are numb to start the day. Maybe that is my way of protecting myself. My work Christmas dinner is tonight and they are all expecting me....decided I way just wing it and go with the flow. If I go it will be thought of as going to work? I did not see the movie but have been trying to go with a friend when and if we can work it in. I am sure all these holidays are very difficult for you being your first. My first Christmas I watched alot of movies to pass the time and it was the best thing. I know exactly what you mean about the church thing....can't get there....don't know who to trust anymore. Tired of all the talk. I like to see people walk the talk. (((HUGS)))

Christy: I am so glad you did that. Maybe you should do those kind of things more and let your family take care of you. I think it will help make them feel better, too! I do think you are right about you dad going first in order to be there for your little baby Kagan.....and, I think your dream proved that. We are the ones suffering now thru our losses.....one day at a time girlfriend! Sometimes, one minute at a time, huh? I have praying every night for my dad and husband to come to me in a dream. I keep telling them it is o.k. and that I need to know they are o.k. Last night when I closed my eyes I could see my husbands face but no dream...not yet.....oh, how he loved Christmas. Today is his birthday...I always told him this was the day his m other dropped the bomb (Pearl harbor day). I think of you so much. Enjoy your pond and know Kagan is, too! (((HUGS)))

Mark, I hope your resting and feeling good.....(((HUGS)))

[rodless]

Christy, I'm sure you are also grieving your divorce... makes perfect sense. I went through that 20 some years ago and losing my husband to death this July has brought back a lot of those after divorce feelings and memories. It was a loss, too. Keep poditive and secure in the knowledge that your dad and Kagan are together. Mary Jo

[kagansmommy]

Laura, I hope you are getting thru this evening ok. I have been hoping and praying all night that things would go well. You are a strong woman. I don't think I could have done it.

Mary Jo, thank you for confirming that I'm not losing my mind. It's good to be able to come here and have people understand and support your feelings, not judge you and then proceed to tell you what you should do to "get over it."

My Mom makes me so angry I could spit. She had the nerve to tell me to be happy for Kagan and stop sitting around thinking about it and crying all the time.

Hello~? One has nothing to do with the other. Nobody is happier for that little boy than me. But that doesn't change the fact that I haven't seen or touched him in almost two years and never will again. She also told me it would have been understandable for me to cry all the time if Kagan would have been healthy and died for no reason. That, according to her, would be so much worse.

Getting over it doesn't come as easily for some as it does other.

Peace be with you all tonight and always.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Christy:

Don't listen to any of it. It is so easy for others to give their "stupid" opinions when they have no clue to what we are going thru. You do what you need to do for yourself to get thru this hell. It's all about you! Probally for once in our lives it is about us. I said that to a friend of mine who told me I wasn't there for her the last 5 years. I told her for once in my life I have to honor how I feel and I told her that loosing my husband was the worst thing I have ever gone thru and for once I need to do what is best for me or else I won't survive....haven't seen her since (of friend of 25 years)....gives new meaning to the word friendship, huh?

Yes, I did go out last night. I look at it as going to the office. Everyone was with their spouses but me....but, everyone was mixed up at the table and were very gracious, which I really appreciated. I came home and cried in bed and prayed for my dad and husband. They haven't sent me any signs lately so I am looking and waiting.

Peace to you and everyone here and please know you are all in my heart.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm sorry to say this, but I went through it with my son, as did Christy with hers. Becoming a man is painful and difficult in the best of circumstances. You are a fantastic mom, and you've done a perfect job raising your boy. Be proud of this. Be proud. Okay? He isn't leaving you. He isn't abandoning you. He just has to go out and find his niche. You are always the mommy who kissed the booboos and made them all better. Just think! You get to go through this all over again. But, so do I. Raising girls is a much easier task. Get plenty of rest. Continue being the mom you are. Mostly, please be sure to nurture Laura, a fantastic mom and great friend. for you, a hug, my friend. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, although the things of life are painful, Christy needs to shelter and nurture Christy's emotions. We all love you here. You have friends here. I have to agree with Laura, kiddo, and say you are a great mommy. Remember when I said that more kids should have a mommy like you? I mean that. This world wouldn't be as screwed up if kids could have such great mommies as you. Now, please get some rest, lots of rest, and let us know how you're doing. love you, with big hugs, Mark

[lauraa]

O.K.

I went out to the party and got thru it. I drove seven 14 y.o. girls to the holiday dance tonight both ways and went to one of their houses before with parents taking pictures (all couples). I bailed one of my boys out of debt today so that he would not be sent to the collector and not to mention he needs alittle bailing out with the law this week for something I have been b*tching about with him but he is so immature he can't see it.....Chronilogicly younger than his real age since the passing of his dad. My other son had a fender bender Saturday (not his fault) and the other parents want to pay outside of their insurance...so that meant alot of running around for estimates and phone calls. All the wants and the needs of the week have tired me out. I just came home tonight and cried for my husband. I am so sad about so many things. My oldest son is driving my crazy because he is so immature for his age. Mark, you are so right in that girls are easier than boys to raise. I wish that I did have family here to help me. I am very disappointed that they aren't reaching out though to help more. It is funny how people have short memories.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day.

Mark, I hope you are feeling better and all is going better on your end.

Christy....hang in there girl. I pullin' for you. I know your heart is broken. Mine is, too! I really am not enjoying the holiday season at all and am looking forward to Jan. 2nd. Wow, do I sound like a pessimist....Off to bed. Bye

[kagansmommy]

Laura, you aren't the only one who see's the glass as half empty. I have been pessimistic my entire life. I never seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not really looking forward to the holidays and I will also be glad when it's over. Except for one problem. Peter's 17 year old son, Sean, wants to move in with us for a while after the first of the year. We have tried this twice before and twice it has been a disaster. The last time was 4 month's before Kagan passed away. I ended up kicking him and Peter out of the house because Sean hit me and ran his fist thru 2 doors. All because we wouldn't let his girlfriend come down and spend the weekend...they were 15 years old.

He hasn't been to school since he was in 7th grade. He smokes pot and cigarettes. He steals my medicine every time he comes to visit. He has stolen money from me too many times to count. He is poison to everyone around him. We live in the boonies and he is used to running the streets of Chicago. He won't work and expects me to be his maid when he's here. When I voiced my opinion about it I was called selfish and unwilling to help. Hello? Been there, tried that and don't want to try it again. I never had any trouble with my older son and this is new to me. My son never back talked, never argued. He never done drugs and doesn't drink. I am definately one of the lucky ones when it comes to my kid. I am so stressed out. I have a panic attack every time I think about Sean coming to live here again. He won't be happy until he rip's his Dad and me apart again. Should I not look at it like this or am I being a pessimist again?

Mark, thank you so much for the kind words. I always know I can come to my family here and get the support I need. No one understands like someone in your shoes. I hope you all make it through the holidays without too much stress. I know being in our worlds that stress-free is not an option.

Take care of your precious Mary and give her my love.

Bless you all~!!

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm sorry you've been hit with so many things. I know your struggle with turning boys into men, and I'm constantly praying for your strength. He wasn't hurt any in the car crunch, was he? I sure hope not. I'm thankful the other parents are willing to cooperate so well. This is a relief, one you need. It's good that you finally got his appetite to return. This is a significant improvement. Did it perhaps correspond with a step to another phase in his grieving? This may also have some bearing on why he says what he is about wanting to move. Continue spending all that quality mom time with your little girl (well, not so little anymore), and we'll all be praying for her.

Thank you for asking about us, and for your kind support. I'm still improving, slowly. The exhaustion is still quite a monster. Mama isn't doing well, but as well as we can expect. My kids are alright, although they too are beginning to complain of feeling tired. Hopefully, this will be ironed out by the end of the weekend, when we are again running at full staff with aides. Then the old man can catch up on some sleep, and maybe get some work done in the studio too??? (sheepish grin).

Hope your weekend gives you a little smile. Take each moment, one by one, and we'll all pitch in to help you through this holiday time. If there's anything we can do, just lean on our shoulders. It's what friends are for. Thank you for being yourself, a caring friend. A hug for you, from Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, yeesh! it sounds like you have a livewire on your hands. If you were to refuse cooking and cleaning and sewing and picking up after Mr Lazy, what do you suppose would happen? Would it turn into a conflict? I'd never wish for that to happen to you. You just don't need to be taking care of a kid with tendencies like mine when I was a teenager. You don't need it. I'm praying for you. Go out and do something for you..... just you. Make Christy feel good about herself as the beautiful woman you are. Keep us up to date, and if we can help, let us know. If you need a shoulder for crying, you got it, kiddo. love ya, with big ol' hugs, Moi, Jenni's dad

[kagansmommy]

Well Mark, I tried going on strike from my duties when Sean and his Aunt came to visit in October. All it got me was a huge mess to clean up when they left. I was the good hostess cooking homemade meals, doing dishes, doing laundry so he didn't go home with a bag full of dirty clothes. They were even too lazy to pick up their wet towels after taking a shower. He is absolutely unbelievable.

The biggest problem is that he knows no matter what kind of conflict he causes that his Dad will side with him. I can't go thru this again. I have spent my entire life helping kids, taking them in when their parents didn't seem to care or have time for them. I have even moved a couple in here to get them clean from drugs. I shadowed their every move. But I can't handle Sean because he is happy being the way he is and doesn't want help. And then we have his mother chiming in telling me to mind my own business. I think what goes on in my house is my business. The first time he moved here I flushed 2 bags of pot down the toilet. She was irrate because I wasted "her" money. He was 14 then.

OK, I will shut up and stop griping for now.

Get some rest and take care of you too. I know you are exhausted both physically and mentally. As I'm sure the boys are too. I'm praying for ya.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[kagansmommy]

Laura, hang in there with your son. Sometimes the road gets pretty rough getting them to where they need to be but it is worth it in the long run. I sit and watch my son with his wife and kids and I am so proud. I see him using those values we instilled in him everyday. He's a good Dad and a great husband.

When they came out the other night to trim the tree he was digging in the kitchen cabinets. He found the receipts where we paid the emergency room bills for him and his 3 buddies after his first crash. He was 17 when it happened and we wanted to keep it off his record so we payed it all in cash. The very next weekend he got a ticket. Then the next week he had another wreck and it was a bad one. The people he hit had to be cut out of their car with the jaws of life. That one was beyond paying cash for or keeping off his record. But they live and learn from their mistakes. Give your son the space he needs to grieve the way he needs to. It will be hard but you will be so glad you did.

I'll be praying for you all.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[erinnzmom]

Hi Guys,

Going to put my two cents in from the peanut gallery. Who says that raising girls is easier? Can we say hormones? Zero to witch in 60 seconds...can we say moody ?can we say attitude?....can we say...I want to be grown up? ..I want to be a little girl...I know it all?....Can we say drama queen and everything is a crisis? Can we say crying for no apparent reason?...I always told my daughter Erinn that she could have Katie back when she turned 15..I sure do miss her help raising this child...cuz let me tell you Erinn was a handful @ 15..she ran away..she told me once "I was tripping on acid and you didn't even know it" I told her that she was so b...tchy...how would I know the difference?..Don't get me wrong...Erinn grew up and straightened out her life...but easier...I don't think so...If it wasn't for the "Bank of Mommy" I don't think that she would have made it either..It's been really rough during the holidays....I was working today and they sent me to ICU to work and I was okay for a few hours and then I flashed back to Erinn being in there and I had to leave...so I guess that ICU and I just don"t mix...I've been reading all of your posts but haven't posted in a while..have been keeping you all in my prayers.....Good news...Katie is on new Meds for her ADD and she is doing AWESOME in school I just had the best PET yet...if she continues the way she's doing she'll make the honor roll for the first time! Also, Jordynne, my other granddaughter will be coming next weekend and will be doing her Christmas thing here..Katie and I started doing the 5 candle thing..You know one candle for grief, one for love, one for courage, one for memory, and one for hope, We bought a special candlelabra and Katie picked out special colored candles for each one. and I read the poem and we light them on special days ..It seems to help..

Hugs and prayers,

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

Hugs and prayers

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Christy,

Christy doesn't sound like you need Sean to move in.It's your house and it doesn't sound like it'd be good for you or your relationship....sometimes you have to put your mental health first....Be kind to yourself.and don't feel guilty about doing what's right for you...Will keep praying for you.

Hugs and prayers

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Lauraa,

Wow, You've certainly had a busy week, Going to the Christmas party must have been difficult. Taking 7 14 y/o girls to and from the dance and watching all the parents must have been hard not having your husband with you to share in the moments. And dealing with the crisis's with your son's..it exhausts me just reading about it..You are amazing to keep so many balls in the air...What are you doing for you?..I know that we are all nurturers and we are very good at taking care of others but when it comes to taking care of ourselves.we kind of fall down on the job...a warm bath, scented candles, music, clean sheets on the bed..and 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep..how does that sound? Sign me up..I'd like to sign us all up for that prescription..

Hugs and prayers,

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Mark,

Hi,

I've missed taling to you my friend. I'm a little punchy...it's a good thing we have a back space button...or this would be full of errors...I've had you in my prayers...I think that you need to take the prescription that I prescribed for Lauraa...We can't have you in the hospital for exhaustion although, having all those nurses waiting on you...might not be a bad idea...I think that having some one take care of Mark full time for a while wouldn't be a bad thing..I'm so sorry that Mary is requiring so much care..I'm praying for a nursing home placement for her..I know that she needs it to get the round the clock care that she needs..I don't think that people realize how tiring it really is caring for someone 24/7...And no matter how much you love some one..there does reach a point where you can't do it anymore...So Mark, what are you doing special for you? you always ask us that but what about you? I hope that you're able to get your much needed rest..and are able to have a little time to spend on your music..Well, been up since 01:30 and it's the last of my 3 12's in a row and I'm getting tired so, I'll say goodnight now..Take care...

Hugs and prayers,

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, gee, I am sorry. Teenagers, including what I was back then, can be a chore. Male or female, not much fun. My son and I can fight like a couple of mountain lions, or be closer than the best of friends. It's all in the day, mood, hormones, etc. Taking care of my wife is a lot easier with around the clock care, but I also know this is about as close as it gets to being in a nursing home. Soon, all too soon, she'll be placed, and then I'll need to adjust. Yes, I'm trying to do a little something for me. In a few days, I'm attending a concert with a friend, just for fun.

Please take care of yourself, girl. No, I don't care about errors, booboos, various social blunders typed in for emphasis and whatever you happen to include. I'm happy to here from you, just as you type. It's good know you're my friend. Thanx. I'm going to catch a quick nap, then watch my wife til sunrise. Til next time, hugsNluvz, Mark, Jenni's dad

[starchild]

Hi Everyone; As usual I have to thank my highest power for another day underway. I think I finally understand why people get depressed over the holiday season. My faith needs strengthening right about now. Yesterday would have been Stanley's 49th birthday. His daughter and I went to Battery Park(by the Statue of Liberty)and let balloons and cards fly. At least the weather cooperated. I can only hope he got them. It was hard not to break down. But knowing how upset that would have made him, we were his brave, brokenhearted girls. My grandfather passed away a year ago today and my grandmother 3 years ago Christmas. I used to love December with all the anticipation of celebration. All year long we watched everyone else and finally it would be our turn. Three generations of birthdays, Christmas, New Years, the whole family in the spirit of the season. Now almost everyone is gone and I'm having a hard time summoning up the inspiration. My sons deserve the best Mommy I can give them, so I better get my act together. The clock is ticking........

Oh Lord, we give them back to you, who gave them to us, and as you did not lose them in the giving so we do not lose them in the return. For what's yours is ours also, if we belong to you. Life is unending because love is undying.

I hope this posting finds everyone making it through one moment at a time. I keep all of you in my prayers and wish you peace. Please be good to yourselves, if only for today. Till then, Luv ya.

[starchild]

Laura, Seems like if it ain't one thing, it's four or five. I remember you sharing a couple of months ago about how your son(s) were giving you grief and I can identify. Mine were too. But I let go and let God. When you make things look easy, everyone thinks that it is. Until THEY have to do it. My 3 teenage sons told me that boys are easier to raise that girls. I actually think they're just less maintenance.(smile) But their issues are usually more profound and expensive. My sons know I'll represent for them, but I refuse to co-sign the bullsh*t. Maturity starts with living with your decisions. It's called consequential thinking. They know good from bad, fair from foul and right from wrong. The hardest part for us is holding on and letting go at the same time. Especially when the man of the house isn't there to help guide the situation.(thought about you on the 7th) Can't really tell you what to do, just do what you think is best and pray. The rest is between them and their higher power. Remember, they have a God too. You're only responsible for the effort, not the outcome. I pray that things work out for you and yours. Have a blessed one.((((HUGZ)))))

[lauraa]

Starchild:

Thank you for sharing a prayer with us. That meant so much! I am sorry you are suffering so this month. You are right about knowing now why others got down at this time of year. We all know now. I was also thinking yesterday about all the presents I use to buy and now I have lost so many, it was hard to shop. I find that I numb myself sometimes just to get thru things. Then I crash. I also have to get with it for my kids. This was my husbands time of year and he was Mr. Santa. He made up for my bahumbug. I just wish things weren't so comercialized. When it comes to kids..I think it is basicly the personality of that particular kid. My boys are as different as nite and day. My daughter is a sweetheart but is going thru all that hormonal stuff. I can usually straighten her right up. I find boys explosive but at least they don't keep ya guessing how they are feeling. We need a support group just to raise kids, huh?

Christy: Don't do it! Don't cook, don't do laundry, don't do anything. Make a poster with the rules and if they don't go by that they don't come in. Let them cook for you. Or, just put the mayo and mustard on the table with a loaf of bread and maybe if you feel like being nice throw in some bologne....tell them the washer is broken and they only have one towel to use, that is if you let them in. Have em' take their shoes off at the door cause you know they ain't going to wipe their feet...but then again, you don't want to smell them either. Better yet...LOCK THE DOOR!

Mark: Wishing you 8 straight hours of continuous sleep.

XOXOXOXOXOX to all.

[rodless]

I have to weigh in on the boys vs girls. When I was pregnant the 2nd time and wanted a girl so bad, my then husband told me when they got to high school I'd wish I had 2 boys. He was a high school teacher & coach. I have to agree with him. I love my daughter very much but she gave me a lot more grief than my son did. I think it's more to do with the personality than the sex. I'm glad I had a chance to experience both.

Starchild, I loved the prayer. Sometimes it's just so hard to let go and let God. I pray for that relief daily.

Best to all as we go through December. It has never been my favorite time of the year... always too much hoopla for me, but this year I am really trying to concentrate on the music, lights (cookies are good) and ignore the gifts, rushing around etc. So far I'm ok. Mary Jo

[kagansmommy]

Thank you all for confirming that I am not just being selfish. I truly have this entire familys best interest at heart. We haven't heard from Sean since he called here friday ranting about hating his mother and wanting to move here. So luckily is was just another one of his childish temper tantrums and he's forgotten about it. God I hope so.

I have a 16 year old niece that just last week was telling me she hoped that she never has any girls. I asked her why and she said because I know what b**ches we can be. Thats pretty sad. She is a good kid but hasen't had much parenting. She turns to me for just about every problem and I have thanked my lucky stars at times that I didn't have girls. Like when she came crying to me thinking she was pregnant. Her mother still doesn't know about it. I'm glad she has enough trust in me to come here. And it takes my mind off my own problems for a while.

It was good to hear from everyone today. It has been so long since we had an ongoing conversation. Keep it coming.

Blessings to you all~!!

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I think I'll wheel out onto a limb here and tell you that you are a mom who will give your sons everything they need and deserve, and then some. You love them, and it shows. I look back now and wonder where in the world the time went. I have only one child left who isn't an adult (and not by much). The beauty of this is not in giving stuff, but in giving of ourselves, making the most of every day with them, so they can look back and be proud of us, and love the parents we are. As for you, I'm sure they love you and are very proud of their mom. I'm praying for you through these days. This is so hard to get through. Cry when you need to, rest when you're tired. Be firm with your rules, but always show that mom loves them. I think Stanley got your gift, and I'm sure he loves them all. What a perfect place to release them from, too. We're here for you. hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, about what you told Christy. I LOVE YOUR WISDOM!!!!! Okay, so I'm a brat, but I gotta agree. Her home, her rules. Ain't da momma da queen of da castle? I'd never let my daughter come into this house and do any such thing against my wife's rules. Not gonna happen. In this house, my wife's rules are sacred. hugs, Moi

Christy, just don't act out your catharsis with a clue by four. I'm sure there is a far more positive way to drive your point across. Now, seriously, are you feeling okay? A situation like this can add up to a bunch of stress you don't need. Please, by all means, take very good care of yourself. We all worry about you, and want you in the best health possible. Go out and pamper yourself. hugs, lil ol me

[kagansmommy]

Mark, the stress is definately getting to me. My blood pressure was up and the doctor didn't like it. It also has my diabetes out of control. I'd like to get me one of those big 'ol clue by 4's and smack him up side his head with it. I have never in my life felt such anger toward a child and that in itself makes me angry. He's the first kid I didn't want to help.

I went christmas shopping for Dacey and Dawson tuesday and that was fun. Dacey is so excited this year. They put up their tree and she thought santa brought it. A couple days later Tiff had them in a store and santa was there. Dacey saw him and went running up to him. She was sitting on his foot with her arms wrapped around his leg saying "thank you santa claus for my tree, thank you" and santa lost it. He was cracking up. She told him she wanted a pony too. Then a couple days later they saw santa at the mall. He ask her what she wanted him to bring her and she said "I already told you santa, remember?" She is getting way too big. Dawson could care less about it. He is definately in his terrible 2's. I'm babysitting for both of them saturday so the kids can finish their christmas shopping. Pray for me~!!!

Take care of Mary and take care of you too.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[starchild]

What's Up Everyone: First I have to thank my higher power for another opportunity to praise him. Today is my birthday and I'm truly blessed with the gifts of my sobriety. This past year hasn't been easy and I'm grateful to all of you for the steps you've walked with me on this journey. I really miss my husband.

Mark: Hi baby, How you doing? Hope this day finds you not being hardheaded.(smile) In case you tried to forget, you mean too much to too many people. So do what you're supposed to do, okay? Thank you for sharing your insights and your wisdom with me. As you know one of the hardest jobs a mother has is raising a boy into a man. That relationship shapes so much of their emotional makeup. And I have three works in progress right now. Believe me, I could'nt do it without the help of my Lord who I pray to often to guide my steps. These days it's not about what I say, but what I do. Leading by example is not easy. It's a constant check of what I'm all about.

Well I gotta get back to work now, so I'll talk to you later. Sending my best to you and yours. You are always in my prayers. Have a blessed day and continue to be good to yourself, one day at a time. Luv Ya

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Starchild, yes, I'm awake at this hour! How did you peg me as being stubborn? You're right on the money, girl. (tee hee). Yes, raising boys can be rough, especially when they turn teenagers and start banging heads and locking horns. It's like watching young adult mountain goats going at it for a show of dominance. Silly, eh? It's all about status in society. But, I guess this is better than that island culture that jumps off of an 80 foot high bamboo tower, naked. Just a suggestion, ask one of their uncles to help, by stepping in for the "headbanging" ceremony. I'm praying for you, kiddo. Always praying for you, and your children. luv ya, hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, watch the BP, kid. Don't hate. It's more effective to heap coals of fire by loving and praying. But, your home is YOUR castle, so it's YOUR rules. My daughter will never come in here and get away with such things. She'd first of all never think to be so mean, but, nontheless, it's not going to happen. Someone has to love mama Christy more than their own wants. I love Dacey's encounter with Santa! That was sweet! I bet Santa is still laughing. She's an adorable little kid. luv ya, Me

[lauraa]

Starchild:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.....Trust me you would rather read this than hear me sing it. I hope you have an o.k. day as I know your heart is heavy. I am sure your husband is looking on you with complete admiration today and always. I miss my husband, too.

Christy:

Take care of you and honor your rules and feelings. Mark is right! Your grandchildren sound completely adorable. Let you kids continue to take care of you.

Mark:

Rest my friend. I always keeping you and all my friends here in my daily thoughts.

[kagansmommy]

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY" Starchild~!! I hope you had a good day.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[kagansmommy]

Laura, I have been trying to let the kids take care of me. In my 42 years I have always wanted to do for others, even when I was a child. I'm old and I'm stubborn so this is new for me. But I'm giving it my best shot.

My grandkids are adorable. They are completely rotten to the core but I love them to death. I always tell their parents that rotten just means they are healthy.

Christy

[rodless]

Christy, 42 and old in the same sentence?? Nah!! Enjoy your little ones... Kids grow up too fast these days. Spoil them while you can. I am waiting to have grandchildren and hoping that by the time it happens I can still keep up with them. Happy birthday, Starchild. It seems right yours would be in December, the month with the clearest stars...you seem to have a steady path. Mary Jo

[kagansmommy]

Mary Jo, I was only 15 when I had my first son. It was rough sometimes being a teenage mom but I am so glad now that I had him young. I was 38 when I had Kagan and I thank God for that experience again. I was so young the first time that I didn't appreciate the miracle of giving life to another human being. I would give anything to go thru my pregnancy again. Even the bad stuff.

Here in Indiana we have been having quite a meteor shower. Starchild, I wished you a happy birthday as I saw one falling. Reading Mary Jo's post made me think of it.

Blessings to you all~!!

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, you ain't old, kid. At least for once I'm not the youngest of the gang. hehehehe. You and I seem to be the "lucky" ones, having our first kids when we were a little one the young side. Of all my life's regrets, I wish I could go back and get to keep Jennifer. I would have done so many things differently. And you know I would never wish to change anything about her birth. Although it's been painful, Jenni's been a gift to me. I miss her with all of my soul. I know you miss Kagan. A mother's grief is far different from a father's, so I can only guess at the depth of your pain. I share my compassion in our loss, and my prayers are always with you. luv ya like a sis, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Starchild, how did I miss that line saying it was your birthday? I must be going blind in my old age! I hope you had the best of blessings in your happy birthday, girl. Cyber (((hug))) for your birthday. Sorry I missed that one, my friend. luvs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mary Jo, be patient waitng for the grands. they come along all to quickly. Once they start along, they keep popping into the family like little bunny rabbits. But, they're all full of love and joy! Although I'm still reeling from grandparent shock, I can't think of any greater happiness. My grandson is the most beautiful little guy in the world (I'm sure Christy says the same of her grandbabies!). Hope you're having a fun day. luvs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thanx. Today, I'm right out straight with all this paperwork, trying to get all this stuff up and running.

For the rest of you, I hope to have my custom guitar building shop up and running by next summer. I've been building for about fifteen years, but this is my dream to go into the venture full time. Hopefully, all will go well. I'll let you know as I go along with it.

luv y'all, Me