I Believe in God...

[rodless]

I will stay safe.... I did the bad relationship and too much drinking after my divorce 20+ years ago. The only thing now I'd like is a cigarette and I am determined NOT to give into that, even though I don't ever seem to get hooked permanately. My only vice right now seems to be McDonalds chocolate milkshakes - talk about comfort food.... I'll probably have to go get one for lunch. Thanks for the lift. Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, I must say that your gift to Kagan of the froggie pond was the best and wisest choice of gift. I can just imagine the songs you hear at night from the froggies. Don't ya love those phone calls, kiddo? When my grandson calls and says "I love you Grandpa", I melt. He knows he has me wrapped around his pinkie. Boys . . . engine? I love the way you said it. Vroom! hehehe. I'm praying for you, girl. Give yourself time for you, something special, and by all means, please take good care of yourself. You're loved by your extra "family" here. hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

MaryJo, there are many worse things to be addicted to than a milkshake. I know the addiction thing too; acid, heroin, alcohol. My fiance helped me get clean. I smoked cigarettes til about fifteen years ago. My vice is music(smiling). I play anytime I can. Okay, girl, you're a very special person, so please do this for you - go out and get that shake, then enjoy every sip. Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

We're in the not much happening day. I set myself to the task of looking up information for my wife's doctor, and for us. I gladly do this as a courtesy for her doctor, so he can have information about the dystrophy. I have good news, too. I found some very important info we needed, that we read years ago, but were unable to find again til today. Lucky day.

Take good care of yourself, and enjoy spoiling yourself a little. You're worth it. Take time to reflect and meditate, so you can stay in touch with your inner self. Til tomorrow, with a hug, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Laura, I found the website I told you about, but had been unable to locate for the last four years or so. It's the info on it being terminal. Like I wrote, the dystrophy won't turn fatal, but it can cause other factors that cause fatality. We took the information given, prayed for wisdom, and made our choices accordingly. However this goes, we did the very best we could. Did you get rain today? It rained here most of the day. I hope the rain let you have a chance to rest your back. You deserve it, my dear friend. Hopefully, you can sleep tonight, and feel great tomorrow. Lord, please let this be our prayer for Laura, and please give her what she needs, healing for her body and peace for her mind. Talk with you soon, Me

[lauraa]

Mark,

Thank you for praying for me.I think my back goes out mostly because I am stressed and all the muscles in my body are tight.....and, I tend to overdue it when I do have energy but then I pay for it the next day always....I took a muscle relaxer and that helps but "gosh darn it" it makes me feel so out of it for a couple of days...I am a weakling when it comes to any meds....I will check out Mary's condition so that I can understand it more. I am glad you finally found what you have been searching for. Your life had been extremely hard Mr.Mark and I hope thru your reflection that you give yourself a huge (((hug))) for pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and walking the Narrow Road, (my favorite scripture and one that I try to live by, it's in Matthew). You could have crumbled thru all of this but you didn't...and, you have been an example to your kids and all of us here who have gained so much support from you. You really should feel so good about yourself for all you have managed and endured throughout this whole thing....and, you have remained straight for 26 years.....how wonderful! I hope you got the sleeeeeeeeep today that you needed. Something tells me you are a night owl..........Stay focused and take one moment at a time as that is the only way any of us will survive this. Keep loving those kids of yours and grandbabies. I highly recommend your drink of choice be a Peach Snapple. Have a great night and just turn it all over to god....all of it...every bit of it.......all the way back to the beginning til the present time......just give it to him.....I am told he has broad shoulders and can handle it......I sure hope so cause him and I had a long talk today.......I really pissed off at him....I don't know what his plan is but so far I think it totally sucks..........it feels like a big tease to me.....a test of tolerance........I will take you up on your advice and get a good night sleep as tomorrow is the kids first day back to school....my baby girl is a freshman in HS......another milestone.........Nitey!

[kagansmommy]

DANGIT~!! Now I have to go to McDonalds and get a milk shake. And what would a chocolate shake be without fries? My big cravings right now are watermelon and toast with jelly. Not necessarily together...yuck~!! Unfortunately the drug of choice for me right now is xanax. I guess it could be worse but I scared enough with my health to keep is semi under control. I have been thinking an awful lot about Mikes hard lemonade though. And then out of the blue I get a call from one of my kids that bring me back to reality. But I'm still gonna have that milkshake.

Take care everyone~! Have a blessed night~!

Chrsity

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh Laura, she's in high school already? Where does the time go flying off to? Peach Snapple? Sounds delicious! I love peaches. Sometimes, I like the mango Snapple, but not a constant diet of it. Gee, you took the time to count up the years? You're quite the friend. Thanks. Nikki said something about maybe coming up this fall??? If so, would you like me to call you so you can see her? Lots of info to wade through about the dystrophy. I spoke again with her neuro team, who confirmed all the things I found yesterday. We know this happens, but it seems sad nobody talks about this part. Please continue taking care of your back (or a young lady we both know and love may have to "nurse" you back to health - hehehe). My prayers are always with you, and with your children. They're great kids, so much like mom, still individual and studies in opposites. Kids are just this way. Mine are. hug for you my friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, it's okay. I'm sure Ron McD will enjoy seeing you. Girl, what's Mike's Hard Lemonade? Is that some alky drink? Oh, I'm such a tea leaf. Awww, we don't need this stuff anyway. It would mess with all the good stuff we're on. I liiiiiike morphine. hehehe. No, it's just a good painpounder. Get some rest, sis. I'm praying for you. I also hope Kagan is still enjoying his froggies in the pond. He's adorable, such a sweet little angel. Do take very good care of you, cuz I worry about ya. luvz&hugz, Me

[rodless]

Christy - My daughter dips her fries in her milkshakes, ugh!..it was good even without the fries! I'm off tomorrow on a 7 hr. drive to see Rod's sister for a long weekend... something I have not done by myself for many, many years so I'm taking it slow as I sometimes have problems staying awake when I drive too long at a time. Lots of music, books on CDs and stops in interesting shops that Rod never wanted to take time for will help. Know there will be some rough places when memories resurface but feel like it's something I need to do. It will also give me some time for prayer and reflection - haven't done that for a few days. Since I'm heading north, I'm hoping that it will be cooler and some of the trees will show a little color. They are changing early here. Everyone, have a safe Labor Day weekend....will be thinking of all of you.Mary Jo

[kagansmommy]

EEEWWW~!!! No fries dipped in a chocolate shake for me. They sure were tasty with the shake though. I'm one of these people who don't let their food touch on the plate. Peter says I'm weird.

Yes Mark Mikes Hard Lemonaed is alky. It's a whiskey drink. I got drunk on Uncle Jack when I was first pregnant with Kagan (I didn't know it though) and I will never do that again. Well, I had 4 shots of Jack, 2 shots of 99 Bananas, and huge screwdriver that was mostly driver. I am not a drinker so needless to say I was down for the count. I have drank maybe 5 or 6 lemonades since Kagan passed away. The thought of drinking scares the crap and then the right mood hits and it seems like a logical solution. Lucky for me I live 45 minutes outside of town and theres no nearby liquor store.

I watched my dad slowly die from cerosis of the liver and that scared me. He never had a drink of alcohol in his life either. He got it from cutting salt treated lumber. The sawdust went thru an open flame in the furnace that heated the building and it turns toxic when exposed to fire. Then he got hepatitis c from a blood transfusion.

Ok, I will stop blabbering now. Everyopne have a blessed day.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[starchild]

Hi all; You know me so first I'd like to give honor and praises to my highest power which I choose to call God. And thank him for another day underway. Reading all of your posts was the positive push I needed today. My computer actually started smiling too. It's hard to believe that back to school is just around the corner. My pocket is relieved though, feeding three grown teenagers is expensive. And I have to clothe them too! Ugh. The twins are six foot sophs this year. Please pray for us. (smile) The girls are calling already. Your discussion on addiction is timely. My new one is smoothies, and oh, don't forget my Ipod. Tonite I'm speaking at my old out patient center. I made a committment to my counselor and she knows I probably need it as much or more than they do. Tell on my disease you know and get some more of this garbage out of my spirit. Spiritual health is as important as emotional and physical. And this is the only medication I'm allowed. Especially on this journey. God as my witness I don't plan on going back to the madness. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am thinking of them and thanking you for what you have meant to my life over the past months. Cause you really don't know. I gotta get out of here.....talk later. My prayers for all and as usual please be good to yourselves, if only for today. Have a blessed evening. Much luv.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mary Jo, it's not too cold going north yet, unless you head for the Northwest Territories. hehehe. Oh, been there, froze through that. So, what's the issue with traveling? It's fun to take my sweetie to shops and different things along a trip. We found a lot of cool gift ideas that way. Drive safely. We catch up with you on the flip side. hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, I'm from the other side of those trax. I drank like a diabetic fish. Two to three bottles of 151, and then I was happy. Some teenager. No wonder I have the results I do from those years. I ain't gonna complain tho. I love my grandson. It's been so long since I touched that stuff, I dare say the label would nail my hide to a wall. Although, chocolate fries may be intoxicating. hehehe. Sugar high! in grease. Be good kiddo. Love ya, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I hope the meeting turns to be a great success, and helpful in many ways. Working on our details is good for our spirits. We know what you mean about the back to school issue. My youngest is in HS now and nearly six feet tall. My older is closer to seven feet than six. It's scary, especially when they're hungry. hehehe. I love my kids, all of them. Take care of you. We're praying for you. luvs, Me

[mamabets]

Hey Guys and Gals~ ARBY'S has the best chocolate shakes, by far!!!I love you all and will be heading out tomorrow for a shake AND one of their BLT's!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kagansmommy~ There is a little white feather under my bed tonight!!! I love you, Christy!!! xoxomamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey mamabets, so good to hear from you. Just thought I'd drop a note to thank you for all you've done for my family recently. I have a couple personal improvements at home, so I'll tell you about them in email. Til then, hugs, Me

[mamabets]

For Alwaysmyjennifer~ ALWAYS, you are so welcome... Email as soon as you get a free minute!! I love you! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

I believe in you God- I always have...!!! Team up with my Danny, and PLEASE fix my Kiley!! THANKS!! Amen~ xoxomamabets

[rodless]

Had a Burger King shake on my way home today - yuck. At Arby's... try the mocha!! Drove through heavy rain along the Mississippi River for awhile but then across southern Minnesota the beautiful clouds with the sun going in and out were something to behold....no wonder that's what people think of as heaven. I would have liked an off ramp going straight up! Mary Jo

[kagansmommy]

Amen on the upward off ramp Mary Jo. I was sitting in the middle of a huge field today looking at the very same view and thinking almost the same thing about what Heaven must be like. I was thinking how Kagan would have loved it there listening to the birds and the frogs in the pond. Then it hit me...he was right there in the midst of all that beauty running and playing his little heart out. God how I miss that little boy.

Peace to you all.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[kagansmommy]

Betsy, When did you find the feather under your bed? You better watch out for the little stinker that left it for you. He can really reek some havoc on your house. I will have to send you pictures of the little "arrangement" he left for me in the kitchen one night. He's my little angel with horns. Gotta love him though.

So whats going on with Kiley? If you would rather email me please let me know what is going on. I have been so bad about not keeping up with everyone. I have been taking 2 steps forward and about 10 steps back lately. This grief is a constant uphill climb.

Email me and catch me up on whats going on. I'll send you pics of the kitchen and new pics of the frogs in his pond. Sitting in his garden next to the pond is my best medicine yet.

Please take care~!!

Love ya, Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

PS>> I vote "DOUBLE YUCK" on the burger king shake. Haven't tried Arby's yet but now I have a good excuse to.

[lauraa]

What is it about these holiday weekends that makes me so depressed? It is all one vicious cycle and it just keeps going round and round....my heart is broken and skips like crazy. I just can't shake my disappointment in the way things turned out for us. My family is suffering so and I am so tired of it all. I am so tired of grieving. I feel as if I could just lay down and die from the grief. It seems way to much for to long....I am exhausted but have 3 kids to keep afloat which tires me more.......oh well, onward and upward! I hope you all made it thru this long weekend in one piece.....

[rodless]

I think sometimes just knowing it's a HOLIDAY with all the accompanying expectations is reason for depression. I always looked forward to any holiday because it meant a day off spent with Rod even if we didn't have any plans. Now I'd almost rather work. I feel the same way about Saturdays. My kids are grown and both involved in church work so weekends are not the times they're around. I'm sure the day will come when I anticipate things again but right now one day looks just like the next...empty. Oh well, onward I go, like it or not, hoping tomorrow will be better than today. God bless us all! Mary Jo

[starchild]

Hi All; Can't believe it been a week since I posted. First all usual I'd to thank my higher power for another opportunity to give him the glory. So much has happened in the past week. One of the couselours at the center wants me to come back and speak to her womens group in a couple of weeks. That made me feel good to have a chance to give back. Had a full weekend....took the boys shopping for school clothes....had the big holiday cookout....took them to Coney Island for Labor Day....in other words, I'm broke. But it was good for us to focus on something other than how much we miss Stanley. Went to chapel to pray and screamed his name so loud, I know he heard me. Since the chapel was empty, my voice echoed all through the place. So of course he came to me in a dream that night to let me know that I didn't have to holler.(smile) That's my sweetheart...damn I miss him. Then I got my evaluation at work and I got a raise(yeah),a bonus(yeah),and a lot more responsibility!!!!(Ugh) It's just amazing to me how God's mercy continues to manifest itself in my life. This is not an easy life I live and circumstances make sure that I stay close to him. So I continue to do the next right thing and have faith in his plan for me. It's the only thing that keeps me on the sane side of insane.

Well I hope this finds everyone at some measure of peace with the kids going back to school and all. Hope your weekend was fulfilling. My continued prayers for all of you as you are in my spirit. Please be good to yourselves, if only for today and have a blessed one. Till then, LUV.

[rodless]

Starchild, what an encouraging post to read. Faith in God's plan is so critical to attitude and outlook, even when things are at their worst. I lost sight of that over the weekend. Thanks for the reminder. Congrats on the job promotion etc. You're doing great. Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, we all take the holidays, whether Christmas or a Labor Day celebration, as a time to be with family. For those of us who have lost someone near and dear, this adds to our grieving and heartache. If you can, try to go through a holiday by looking at the day after, and keeping your daughter's needs in mind. If you can get your attention turned to her, you change the impact from the sadness of the holiday's moment to just being another day, and caring for her. You can also use the holiday to combine things, such as being with your children for a part of the day, and then taking your daughter shopping (oh, yea, girls' afternoon out, looking for clothes and jewelry and ???).

As for here, Monday got me down, thinking of Jennifer. My sweet wife had another episode, so the doctors tested for another TIA. None showed up, and her brain is clear of stroke damage. The disease has done some damage to her heart, which explains the recent events. Strange illness. I'm always here for you, anytime you need the help of a friend. I'm sorry I've been away, but things being the way they are, I've had little time for the other important matters, my friends. My apologies.

Til tomorrow, take good care of yourself. My prayers are always with you and your children. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, nah, he's just a normal little boy angel. I think God loves hanging out with miscievous little boys who show their creativity. hehehe. I told you a while back about the babies we lost by miscarriage. Since my sweetie took her latest turn for whatever "worse" can possibly remain, she's been having conversations with Christi. It's beautiful to see them talking, even if I can't hear Christi. Now, if my little princess would just stay out of Mommy's jewelry box. hehehe. Girls will be girls, and diamonds are definitely a girl's best friend. Oh, I love her so much. Don't ya just love our babies? hehehe. We're still here, staying in the "fight". Do take good care of yourself. I worry about you. May you have all you need for today, and peace for your soul. luv ya. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mary Jo, ever notice they don't put exits where we need them? Same is true of the ever so needed rest area. This is why my last tractor trailer had a full kitchen and bathroom. Please take good care of yourself. I'm prayin' for ya. hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I'm sooooo happy to hear you got the raise! Even though they toss more responsibility on you, I'm confident you'll be a success. Now, that Coney Island adventure sounds like you and the kids had a blast. Good for you. Awww, I'm sorry they cleaned out your wallet. it's only money. (smiles). May you have everything you need, and peace for your soul. I'm praying for you. hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

We've had a wild ride lately. We're now seeing the patterns in her health progression. A good day means a few bad ones are approaching soon. She was in the emergency department this morning. The doctor didn't know if it may be another stroke, but it wasn't. The illness is effecting her heart and it's ability to function well. I'd like to understand this disease better, but then, maybe not. It may just scare me more.

We're home tonight, and the aide is caring for her so very well. I'm about to toddle off to sleepy land. Tomorrow, I sleep in. Yippee! luv and hugs for you all, Me

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone~!! I don't know if you all remember the little boy with a brain tumor that I requested prayer for or not. His name is Caleb VanHorn and he is 4 years old. He had surgery a couple months ago to remove what they could and then he started a series of radiation treatments. He had an MRI done on friday and it wasn't good news. What cancer they did remove was rapidly growing back and what they weren't able to get the first time was massive now. They are going to start him on chemo treatments to see what happens. This little boy needs a miracle and quick. This brings up so much anger at God again for me. Why is God's name would he make an innocent child suffer? I don't understand a God like this. I don't even know if I believe there is a God anymore.

Please have a blessed evening and keep Caleb in your prayers.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[messenger]

KAGANSMOMMY,,,,,,I AM SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT CALEB.HOW SAD....I DONT UNDERSTAND EITHER WHY LITTLE ONES OR ANYONE HAS TO SUFFER...I WILL KEEP CALEB AND HIS FAMILY IN MY PRAYERS..............MESSENGER

[rodless]

Christy, I wish someone had answers to the questions you ask. It is so hard to see anyone suffer but the littliest ones are a special hurt for all of us. I ditto what Messenger said. Mary jo

[lauraa]

Christy,

I can so relate to all you are saying. It saddens me to know anyone suffers so. I don't understand the meaning of life anymore, myself.....I am trying to understand and regain my faith.....it is so hard after we have all experienced such devastating losses and then to continue to watch it go on with others.....I just don't know! I have to stay in the moment otherwise life gets to be way to much for me now.....My life has been devastated by my loss and I know yours has, too......I think we all suffer from Post Traumatic Stress after this happens to us......it takes time and it is a rollercoaster ride....two steps forward and one back................sometimes two forward and ten back, huh? It sucks and I hate every minute of it, especially when we have to go on and raise others thru this........I really don't understand. I am waiting for someone or something to hit me in the head with the answers. I have heard, "what doesn't kill us will make us stronger".....oh ya? I don't believe it! I am tired of every anniversary, holiday and all the day to day things that cause upset.....so, so tired and I know you are to.....we just have to get thru each and everyday as they come the best we can and trust that everything will work out......You are in my prayers along with everyone else here and who suffers....

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, please excuse that I'm struggling to type through the tears. I will ask the group I preach for to pray, and they will be in incessant prayer. Sis, I can't understand why it is these things happen. It's wrong for a child to be ill, for a parent to bury a child. It seems like so long, but in time, Kagan will see you walk through Heaven's gate, and he'll scream "Mommy!" and run to give you such a hug. Christy, when he does, you'll be playing in the sandbox with him and all the other little angels for all eternity. Forever!

Lord, we don't know the reason why these things happen in this world, but we're here in faith, believing You will answer this prayer. Please heal Caleb of this life threatening disease, this condition we know You can remove with a word, a mere thought. Please think to heal him, and let him be healed. Thank you God for intervening, for just being here. Please work with mommy and daddy, to comfort them and keep their loving hearts calm while Caleb must go through this struggle. We are your servants Lord, and we thank You.

Christy, please be sure to keep us informed of things so we can continue to pray. love you sis, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Messenger, it isn't in understanding the suffering, but in caring enough to pray for a child. When we care, our hearts make us respond. Response is easier when a child suffers, but the suffering of a child seems so senseless, so needless. It reduces me to tears quickly. Please let your heart have peace. My prayers are with you. For a moment, through your own sorrow, let the healing touch you. I'm praying for you too. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

MaryJo, I sadly agree, when a child hurts, we all suffer. It's such a bitter pain to feel, and one no aspirin can ease. Our world seems so upsidedown. I must admit I'm blessed, because while my little grandson needs surgery, he is very much healthy, and the surgery is to correct a minor condition. We who suffer loss and pain are blessed, for we know pain, and we care. Thank you for caring and for taking a moment to pray for Caleb. It is written, the prayer of a righteous man works much. Take a little time for you, to heal, to reflect, to pamper yourself, to rest. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you have peace in your heart. hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, one moment at a time, girl. We can expect to see our grandparents pass from this life, maybe our parents, but to experience these things we have are unacceptable and excruciating to the soul. Give yourself time just to be you, Laura, the woman who carries so many things on her shoulders. Pamper yourself, fuss over yourself, and make a little part of each day extra special, just for Laura. You're worth it. We are all praying for each other, and there are a few extra (without names or details) praying for you. Keep your thoughts to what is important, your heart to what you love, your feet to the journey. We care, and we're praying for you and your children. always a friend, Me

[lauraa]

Mark,

As usual you have given me the most beautiful advice. I am trying to do all that you recommend. I just have my days and moments when my grief seems unbarable (like yesterday). My world has changed and it seems everyone and everything around me. I feel devastated but it doesn't seem others even care. It proves to me that life goes on and people have "short memories"......so, it reminds me constantly that this is "my" pain and I need to handle it alone because everyone cannot handle it...it doesn't effect them personally and they don't want to deal with it....so I do it alone, along with the help of my therapist. My husband and I use to say, "it's you and me against the world". Now, I feel like, "it is me against the world". I am just being me as I move thru this journey alone...and, that is how I feel. Even family , like my siblings and in-laws act like nothing has happened....it really infuriates me. No, I couldn't use any help with 3 kids grieving for their dad.....so, I do it alone! I just do it alone...that is all there is to it. Even the one who I thought was my "best friend", (and, I use that expression lightly) turned on me and said, I wasn't there for her the last 5 year....if you only knew what I was carrying.....and, I was there for her as much as I could be.....the truth is she displaced her anger onto me as all her family and other friends were not there for her....she proved to me thru my darkest time what a hypocrite is......the one always talking the bible but then did that to me...it only added to my grieving......oh ya, she was there when the crowd was around. O.K. got that off my chest and feel better.......

I know you have so much on your plate and you are there to give so much sound advice to so many, including me. I really am struggling in this world now and I am shell shocked at what has happened to us, especially after building such a beautiful life together.....it all went POOF! People think cause I am going about my business and in my yard working, everything is hunky-dorey! O.K., everything is wonderful....that's what people want to think.........no-one even asks. It's my pain and I need to handle it alone....that is how I feel....I trust god is walking with me....because like the prayer you wrote Christy he can take care of things if he chooses and he didn't for us so I guess he wanted my husband with him.....and, he wanted us here to suffer? There has to be a reason........I am trying to know why. I don't mean to sound pesimistic at all but this is the hard truth behind my grieving. I ask god everyday why he took such a beautiful, giving human being way before his time and someone who made such a difference in this world. One who did things for the right reasons.........Why? I need an answer to that. I know my husband is with me constantly.....I feel him, I know what he is thinking, I can see his face as if he never left me. This is a living torture. GTG

[starchild]

Good Morning Everyone, First as usual, I like to give thanks to my highest power

for another opportunity to give him praise. It's been really hectic since last week and I've been trying to get into a rhythm that works for me. Between the job, the kids and just trying to make it all work, it's safe to say I'm stretched out. They say to whom much is given much is required, so I guess God is making sure he gets his from me.

I was reading about Caleb and I just wanted Christy to know that I too am praying for the Lord to work a miracle of healing in his life. No one wants to hear that an innocent is suffering. I know that helpless feeling is kicking up in you because of Kagan. We have all gone through it, swallowing hard on that reality pill when a circumstance means so much and we have no power over it. Just know that no matter what, his will will be done. As humans its hard for us to understand God's way of doing things because he operates on a level that we can never comprehend. God is not a man, his realm and his power are infinite. And with the original disobedience of Adam and Eve, sorrow is now a part of all our stories. If it was easy, where would our faith come in at? Our responsibility as his children is to walk by faith and not by sight.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm thinking of you and you are in my prayers. A co-worker of mine found a packet about understanding grief and gave it to me. After I read it over I'll share some with you all. Please continue to be good to yourselves, if only for today and remember that God loves you. Have a blessed one. Till then, Luv

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, the depth and darkness are hard, but there is a place of light and rest when you are done with this part of the journey. I am sorry you have been so isolated, and treated in such a way by "friends". These aren't friends. We're always here, right by your side. Please do a little something just for you (but don't dye your hair pink - my girls threaten my long hair with that one). No, do something special and sweet, befitting Laura. I'm always praying for you, and for your dear children. for my friend who hurts, a hug. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, even though you're "stretched out" we're very happy and thankful you're able to have a moment to be here. It's good to hear from you. I always feel like God sends a message through you. Thank you for being His servant. It takes faith and courage. It is true what you wrote, "to whom much is given, much is required". God requires our service in the things He provides. Yet, He also gives us great happiness and blessing for using what He gives. He makes His servants happy. Do take care of yourself. Try to find a little time for you, to tend to your health, your mind, to your healing. These are just as important as the bills. May you be given enough for today. I'm praying for you. hugs,luvs,Mark

[messenger]

ALWAYSMYJENNIFER..I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS....I READ THESE POSTS AND SEE YOU ..DEAR SIR..HAVE SUFFERED WITH THE LOSS OF YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER AND YOUR DEAR SWEET WIFE IS NOT DOING WELL.. I WANT YOU TO KNOW...........I TOO PRAY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A MAN OF MUCH WISDOM AND I CAN SEE MANY OF THESE SITES RESPECT YOUR OPINION VERY HIGHLY...RIGHTFULLY SO....YOU HAVE HELPED MANY ON HERE.......EVEN IN THE MIDST OF YOUR OWN SUFFERING.............YOU WILL BE REWARDED ONE DAY...........I BELIEVE..THAT IS WHAT GOD WANTS OF US......................TO HELP OTHERS..TO ENCOURAGE THEM...HELP THEM THRU A BAD DAY..LIFT THEM UP WHEN NO ONE ELSE WILL............YOU DESERVE A BIG APPLAUSE FROM US ALL FOR ALL YOU DO...

YOU ARE A VERY SPECIAL MAN........YOUR WIFE IS VERY VERY LUCKY AS I AM SURE SHE KNOWS...TO HAVE SOME ONE WHO CARES SO MUCH FOR OTHERS ....MAY GOD BLESS YOU

MESSENGER

[lauraa]

Thank you Mark....for all your support.

Messenger...you are also uplifting as I scoot around on the boards and read your messages.....I am sorry for your loss.

[Guest Guest]

A landmark conference reviewing 30 years of research on near-death

> experiences (NDEs) will be held at The University of Texas M. D.

> Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, Texas, one of the world's largest and

> most prestigious medical complexes, on October 25-28. The International

> Association for Near-Death Studies (IANDS) is co-sponsoring this

> unprecedented event in the field of near-death studies. The conference

> will assemble almost all of the world's leading NDE researchers, as well

> as a wide range of healthcare professionals, near-death experiencers,

> and the interested public. FOR FULL DETAILS, SCHEDULES, REGISTRATION,

> AND ACCOMMODATIONS, GO TO www.iands.org

>

> Who should attend:

> Physicians, nurses, hospice staff, psychotherapists, counselors, social

> workers, EMTs, clergy and chaplains; educators; anyone dealing with

> death, grief and loss; near-death experiencers; and those interested in

> learning more about NDEs.

>

> Continuing education credits are available for physicians (Segment 1

> only), nurses, national certified counselors and Texas Licensed

> Professional Counselors, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapists, and

> social workers. Other professionals may apply to their accrediting

> bodies for CEUs. Detailed information on continuing education credits is

> available at

> http://www.iands.org/conferences/nextconference/continuing_education_information.html.

>

> Segment One, October 25-26:

> NDE Research: The Scientific Foundation - The first two days will offer

> comprehensive and critical reviews of all of the NDE research through

> 2005, presented by leading medical and academic researchers from around

> the globe. This conference segment is ideal for those working in the

> medical, mental health, and palliative and pastoral care professions -

> and interested others - who want to gain a thorough understanding of

> NDEs based on three decades of research.

>

> Segment Two: October 27-28:

> Implications and Applications of NDE Research - The theme for the second

> segment is implications of NDE research and its ethical applications to

> palliative, end-of-life and other clinical care; education about NDEs;

> and future research directions. This conference segment will include

> many traditional features of IANDS conferences such as keynote speakers,

> concurrent presentation sessions, panels of NDErs, sessions specifically

> for experiencers, and panels of experts discussing a range of NDE

> related topics. This two-day segment will be of interest to both health

> care professionals and the general public.

>

> Keynote Speakers:

> Raymond Moody, MD, PhD, the author who coined the term NDE in his 1975

> book Life after Life, will be a luncheon speaker. Janis Amatuzio, MD,

> known as "the compassionate coroner" and author of the book Forever

> Ours, will be the Banquet speaker. Other keynote speakers include

> leading figures in the hospice, palliative care and gerontology

> professions: Maggie Callanan, RN; Bruce Horacek, PhD; Pam Kircher, MD;

> and Alex Peralta Jr., MD.

>

> Full conference details at: www.iands.org

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Messenger, thank you so dearly. After reading every beautiful word, I cried my head off. I'd be lying to tell you the days are all easy, cuz most are hard and miserable. On my puter, I have photos of Jenni, my precious and beautiful child. I miss her terribly. Thank you so very much for every word. I appreciate your words of hope. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I do know you are hurting so very deeply, and I wouldn't want to impose, yet, I wrote you anyway. I am so grateful to be your friend, worried about your sorrow, and I'd gladly take all of it upon myself, including your precious children too. I pray you may have peace and hope. Please take a moment for Laura. Do a little something just for you, just for fun (oooo, I feel like my credit card is gonna get hit for something big - hehehehehe). We'll be in touch. I do hope you are feeling just a bit better, my friend. Me

[messenger]

ALWAYSMYJENNIFER..YOU ARE SO WELCOME.....I MEANT EVERY SINGLE WORD OF IT..I KNOW YOU ARE GOING THRU SO MUCH.......HAVE YOU HAD ANY SIGNS OR DREAMS OF YOUR DAUGHTER??? ..I WROTE ON LOSS OF A FATHER...ABOUT MY SON...FINALLY.....COMING TO ME IN A DREAM..OR WAS IT A VISIT.......I AM NOT SURE ..BUT AFTER 15 MONTHS I WAS SO SAD...WE HAD PROMISED EACH OTHER..WHOEVER GOES FIRST THE OTHER WILL LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE AROUND...IF GOD ALLOWS IT..I HAD A FEW SIGNS BUT IT HAD BEEN A LONG TIME ...MONTHS..AND I NEEDED SOMETHING TO KEEP ME GOING.....HE WALKED INTO MY BEDROOM...I DIDNT THINK A THING ABOUT IT AT FIRST..BUT WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS MY JAMES..I RAN TO HIM ..HE SAID HI MOM AND HE HUGGED ME..I DONT KNOW WHO HUGGED TIGHTER~~ I TOLD HIM IT HAD BEEN 15 MONTHS AND I PRAYED EVERYDAY..GOD WOULD ALLOW HIM TO COME IN DREAMS..GIVE ME SIGNS ETC.....EVERYONE ELSE HAD SIGNS ..DREAMS BUT ME...WAS I TOO CLOSE...I DONT KNOW BUT I CRIED SO HARD....................I HAD TO STEP BACK A FEW INCHES AND GET MY BREATH ...WHEN I DID ....HE ..DISAPPEARED.......................I WOKE UP WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY CHEEKS...............HIM DISAPPERING IS WHY I SAY..I AM NOT SURE IF IT WERE A DREAM OR VISIT..........BUT IT MADE ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER..............

IT WAS BITTERSWEET..I HOPE AND PRAY EACH OF YOU ..ARE GIVEN A SIGN ...A DREAM OR A VISIT FROM YOUR LOVED ONE...IT KEEPS US GOING...AND GIVES US HOPE..OF WHAT IS TO COME..WHEN WE TAKE OUR LAST BREATH..

I HAVE PHOTOS OF MY SON..EVERYWHERE...I DONT WANT TO FORGET HIM...SOME THINK I AM CRAZY.........NO I AM JUST A MOTHER WHO LOVED HER SON DEEPLY AND MISSES HIM SO MUCH..I WANT TO KEEP HIS SPIRIT ALIVE....I DONT WANT TO FORGET HIM AND ACT AS IF NOTHING EVER HAPPENED..SOME WOULD LIKE FOR ME TO...THEY THINK I DWELL TOO MUCH ON JAMES............IF THE SHOES WERE ON THEIR FEET ...I THINK THEIR OPINION WOULD BE MUCH DIFFERENT!! MUCH MORE LIKE ALL OF OURS..

WE ALL ARE HURTING ON HERE ..WE NEED TO TREAT EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE OUR LAST....TREAT OTHERS AS WE WANT TO BE TREATED...THE ONES THAT DONT TALK TO US AND TREAT US BADLY.................MOVE ON.............

WE HAVE EACH OTHER ON HERE..WE WILL MAKE IT...THRU THE GOOD DAYS..THRU THE BAD...THERE IS SO MUCH SUPPORT ON HERE AND ALWAYSMYJENNIFER..YOU ARE NUMBER ONE IN MY BOOK..AND I AM SO SURE...YOUR LOVELY DAUGHTER IS SO PROUD OF HER DAD~~~!

KNOW WE ALL APPRECIATE YOU AND YOUR TAKING THE TIME OUT OF YOUR GRIEF AND ALL THE SUFFERING YOU ARE GOING THRU WITH YOUR WIFE TO COMFORT SO MANY...............YOU ARE AMAZING......

KNOW YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS..AND YOUR DEAR WIFE.........GOD BLESS YOU

MESSENGER

[mamabets]

For Messenger~ Alays remember that we would not be together HER if our sweet boys were not still with us THERE!! It is here , there and everywhere and James will pay you visits forever!!!! I love you!! xoxomamabets