I Believe in God...

[mamabets]

For Alwaysmyjennifer~ Take care of YOU- Promise?? You are soooooooo special- A blessing beyond words~ Take EXTRA special care of you!! Am here for you always!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[lauraa]

Hi Everybody,

I got a message from my husband yesterday. He was/is an angel and he wrapped his arms around me, he sprinkled pink rose pedals over me to let me know how much he loves me and he wanted me to know he is always with me and knows all that I am going thru and he wanted me to know he was with me thru it all. Yesterday was a good day.

Messenger, I am thrilled that your son came to you. Sometimes, I think we are so burdened with our grief that it is difficult for them to get thru to us...maybe that would explain why it is easier for them thru dreams. I am always touched by your post and all your wisdom. Yes, you are right we need to always treat others the way we want to be treated and wouldn't it be a wonderful world if everyone did that....We do need to "move on" when others are not there for us....our energy is low enough without getting caught up in all that stuff....Bless you and hold on to your son as if he is right next to you because he is..

Mark, I hope all is well on your end and Messenger is so right....you are a blessing on these boards and a HUGE support to me and everyone....I hope we can give to you just a smidget of what you send to us.

I hope everyone here will have a beautiful day.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Messenger, I do take care of me, at least I try. Jennifer visits me frequently, always at 1120 pm. On the night she died, I was in hospital with a panic attack that ended at this exact time. I also have a photo from the beach where she died. She hugs me, or she'll rest her hands on my shoulders, or just hold my hand while I watch the telly. My second daughter is also visited from time to time, and her visits are sweet. She gets to see Jenni's face and sometimes her wounds. They share a tender bond as sisters. I'm tearing up, so I gotta change the subject. luvs, hugs, til tomorrow, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thank you, girl. please take good care of you, too. I care about you my friend. You've always been "there" for me and the missuz. thanks. luvs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Bets, me? ok, promise! I'm such a brat. I'll call in a day or two. I'd like to hear your opin about that issue. c'est temps pour sommeil, mon cher ami. bonne nuit Bets. In other words, I'm falling asleep. Good night. hugs, Me

[messenger]

DEAR LAURAA AND MARK...I AM SO GLAD TO HEAR YOU HAVE VISITS FROM YOUR LOVED ONES.......I CANT THINK OF THE PROPER WORD TO USE...BUT THERE IS NO FEELING IN THIS WORLD TO COMPARE TO IT!!! IT GIVES US HOPE OF WHAT IS TO COME IN THE FUTURE AND KEEPS US GOING ...I KNOW THE VISITS ARE SHORT BUT IT WILL KEEP THIS OLD ENERGIZER BUNNY GOING FOR AWHILE......KEEP THE PHOTOS CLOSE..THE MEMORIES ARE SO IMPORTANT TO HANG ON TO....HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A RESTFUL NITE...FILLED WITH SWEET DREAMS..............MESSENGER

[mamabets]

For Alwaysmyjennifer~ Like our God above... Always believing in the power of you!! Take care of YOU!!!!! You soooooo matter!! xoxo I love you and like everyone here, often thrive on your unbelievable courage and strength...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Messenger~ You are such a bright light here... A real testimonial to our sweet James!! You are so sweet, so positive and a dear, dear friend!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Lauraa- You are so sweet- As I travel around, your sweet messages of encouragement are what we all need!! Our angels love you !! I love you! xoxomamabets

[lauraa]

Mamabets.....I just read your message to me as I was already crying...I have alot of business pertaining to my husband that is difficult.....It just proves how much someone's sweet words of encouragementcan mean so very much....You have helped fuel me to get moving today. Thank you! I love you , too!

Mark, I know we are all going to be speaking French before we know it!......you are a gift and I truely hope you know that. I think we can all testify of all the grief we have endured in our lives. I thought loosing a young brother, friends, parents was bad enough but loosing my husband has flattened me. You have helped lift me up in so many way as so many here have. I hope you have felt that from my end.....you have been thru so much.....we all need to take care of ourselves thru this journey...I hope you are.

Messenger......I am so happy for you that your dear son came to you......I have to believe they are in the most amazing, glorious, beautiful place imaginable. Remember, time means nothing to them now...it seems like an eternity to us until we meet them again but for them it is a flash in the pan.....when we are reunited it will far surpass the wonderful time when had while they were here.....I do believe!

[starchild]

Good Afternoon All: As usual, my praises to my Lord and saviour for another day underway. I didn't read this topic yesterday and it looks like I missed a bunch. Monday is always a long day for me.

Laura: I am so-o-o-oo happy for you. I KNOW you needed that visit from your husband. I haven't heard you this upbeat in a while. Praise God. You're a good woman and I want you to be in position for the blessings that are coming your way. You're the catalyst for your family's healing, sieze this opportunity. Your're working from a position of strength. As you go, so do you all. Do you realize that you don't mention your husband's name when you post? What is my brothers name? I bet Stanley knows. (smile)

Mark: Thank you my friend. That was the most meaningful thing you could have ever said to me. As a fellow soldier in the army of the master, you know how hard it is standing for something in this add water and stir way of living of today. I believe all our sacrifices are recognized, and our reward is promised. Even the blessing of having found you (all of you) here on these boards. No one is here by accident.

Messenger: I think there's a hint in there somewhere. I am glad for your visit also. It's the reason I posted. My husband has been worrying me alot in the past few days, our special song at a occasion last Saturday, a visit in my dreams last night. It's good to know that he's with me, but it's really hard for me to hold on and let go at the same time. I'm feeling you.

Please everyone, remember to be good to yourselves. This process is still one day at a time. My prayers are still for all of us who mourn. Have a blessed one. Till then, Luv from me and mine to you and yours

[lauraa]

Starchild,

Yes, I am aware that I don't mention my husbands name.....and that is purposeful for me....I will explain at a later time.....thank you for your post and all your support. This journey is like walking along a road peacefully and never knowing when your going to get hit with a rock. I still mourn everyday but please know I am traveling a road that is extremely difficult and thru it all I am holding my family together...they are my first priority and I know that means that I take care of myself.....I do cry, though.......I have to, as it mounts up thru my belly and keeps going til I have to just let it out. This road is so difficult for me because I have always tried to be a positive person and surround myself with positive people....thru this road of grieving and all the different stages we travel, there is alot of anger and all the other emotions that comes along with it that don't settle well with me....but I have to go thru it just as you all do, no-matter how uncomfortable it is......thanks for your post and keep your chin up my friend.........I know Stanley has a new friend!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thanks. I'm just a caring (maybe too much) guy, who likes to be sure his friends are okay. Your husband is forever by your side. I do hope you get more of those sweet visits with him. The tender moments we get to share seem to last forever. Remain purposed in that one thing. I'll honor your wishes, as I know what it means to you. I appreciate your "all in due time" approach. I know it feels pretty dark and lonely and painful at times, but you can always reach out to a friend during these times. Ya always have one. Catch ya later. I'm getting ready to go into the city on business - my new bass is ready, so I'm gonna have a little fun. I'll talk with you when I get back. til then, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I do enjoy hearing from you. Not only do you connect with God, but spiritually with Stanley. This is beautiful. Although I wasn't able to even see her, I miss Jenni so much. I often wonder what she'd be doing, or who her friends would be, things like that. My children and I are talking about some things to make "our" lives better after mom is in a nursing home. We are talking about moving closer together. This would be good for us all. Please try to get the rest you need. Be sure to eat well, drink enough, and make sure you take a little time to smell the roses. Give yourself a little treat. You deserve this. It helps you heal. My prayers are with you. Mark

[messenger]

MAMABETS AND MARK...LAURAA,,,,,,,,,,HAVE YOU HEARD THE SONG...I CAN ONLY IMAGINE..BY MERCY ME???? I HAD IT PLAYED AT MY SONS FUNERAL.............IF YOU CAN GET A CHANCE LISTEN TO IT..............I THINK ABOUT IT OFTEN AND WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE...........IN THE END..............I LOVE THAT SONG.......

JUST THINK WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE TO SEE OUR LOVED ONES AGAIN.......I KNOW HOW I FELT LAST FRI..WHEN JAMES CAME TO ME IN DREAM...THE OLD FLOOD GATES OPENED!!! BUT IT WAS BITTERSWEET..SOMETHING I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR ...FOR A LONG TIME............SO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT..HAD A DREAM..A SIGN............OR A VISIT................DONT GIVE UP...............IT ...WILL HAPPEN

MAY ALL OF YOU ON BEYOND INDIGO..KNOW ...........I PRAY FOR YOU EVERYDAY....

MAY YOUR WEEK BE FILLED WITH SOMETHING TO BRING A SMILE TO ALL OF YOUR FACES AND THE JOY YOU ONCE KNEW AND WILL AGAIN............MESSENGER

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh, Bets, no, I haven't started knitting little booties for my daughter yet. Yea, I'm trying to believe, although I don't quite think as you do. hehehe. I'm just a sinner boy (I think they had to write an amended list of commandments because of me - thou shalt not act like Mark). I hear you, Betsy, laughing again. Sheesh! hehehe.

[lauraa]

Messenger....how did you know that is one of my favorite songs. I actually have that CD and I also compiled some of my favorites to get me thru. Thank you.

[messenger]

LAURAA..I DIDNT....!! HAVE YOU HEARD THE SONG..HOMESICK..BY MERCY ME??? THAT TO0 I HAD PLAYED AT THE FUNERAL.OUR SON HAD MOVED TO TENN...HE WAS SO HOMESICK...I HEARD THIS SONG ON THE RADIO AND LAUGHED AND SAID...JAMES..I HAVE THE PERFECT SONG FOR YOU................HE LAUGHED........SO THAT IS HOW THAT CAME ABOUT...THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD SONGS THAT CARRY US ON THE DAYS WE NEED TO GET A HANDLE ON THINGS....SOMEDAYS THEY COMFORT AND SOMEDAYS...THEY BRING TEARS...........JUST DEPENDS.......THINKING OF ALL OF YOU TONITE AS I READ THESE POSTS AND SEE HOW MUCH ALL ARE HURTING............DONT FORCE YOURSELVES.......TO GET OVER YOUR LOSS...ONE DAY AT A TIME........WE UNDERSTAND IT IS SOMETHING YOU NEVER GET OVER.................BUT SOONER OR LATER YOU ARE ABLE TO SMILE AGAIN AND BE ABLE TO ENJOY LIFE AS YOU ONCE DID........YOUR LOVED ONES ARE WITH YOU....STILL........................MESSENGER

[mamabets]

For Alwaysmyjennifer~ You are too funny!! Thou shall act as Mark, for Ronsmom is "calling for thou" over on Loss of an Adult Child!!! She needs you and misses you, now go!! LOLOLLL

I love you~ You are the best, along here with all of my "guys"!!!! xoxoxomamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh, I do love that song too.

Now, Bets, I'm funny? Oh, dear, I must go see why I'm being beckoned.

Laura, sweet music is good for the soul. Music is pure emotion. My prayers are yours.

Have a good night, all, and a good weekend. I'm going to be a little occupied, but I'll fly by late tomorrow nyt. luvz to all, Me

[suelowe]

Mark, i spotted a message for you, from Messenger, i just feel like nosing around here tonight, see how people are doing. Anyway, messenger said something like your're going through a lot, you're a wise man and you'll be rewarded one day....may i contribute to this reward?? Your'e one of those people who are 'with it', and yes i've said a few times on here and in email too, but you are. i find it very difficult, almost impossible, sometimes to say i love you, so i find other ways to say it, like luv u or whatever, but along with other wonderful people here, i do! i couldn't say it to my own mother, she said 'i love you' and i'd look at her like she had 5 heads or something. but i knew she meant (and means) it cos she was my mum. i did manage to say it back to her, and i think i wore it out especially when she was ill, cos i had to say it for both of us. mind you, i don't think it was worn out, it meant more than gold, and everthing else cos she heard me and i'm glad of that.

and yes, you're funny too! you make me chuckle good style sometimes! i guess my time now, as i grieve for the heart-ripping loss of my mother, i need to love myself, my heart, even if the damn thing dosen't love me back. ooohhhh my, do you think that bit was a bit backwards?? i told you, grief makes you do strange things! When i say it dosen't love me back, i meant in the times when you simply can't 'feel your heart when grieving'.

thaaaaaaaannnkk you! and thank you to your family too.

luvs and hugs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, thank you, my sweet friend. It's peculiar, eh? Why do we only tell dear mother we love her at Christmas? Why not the other 364? Don't look back with sorrow on that. Look at the fact that, while you didn't always say it, you did in fact love your dear mum. She's a one of a kind diamond, perfect in every cut, clear to her heart, and unstained by the world. (my apologies for talking diamonds, ladies - I know you like them, but it's an analogy, so please be forgiving). You have painted quite the portrait of her. Now, don't go on like this, or I may end up all stuffed with pride, and the explode like a giant marshmallow, creating a gooey mess. Get some rest tonight, and don't keep the neighbors awake for too long with the loud music. We luv ya, Sue, Mark and mine

[starchild]

What's Up Everyone: First as always I have to give praises to my higher power for another opportunity to honor and glory to his name. It feels good to be back. I have missed talking with you all. The lady who worked with me, relocated and I've been doing the job solo for the past 2 weeks. By the time I get out of here and get home to deal with that, all that's left is my pillow. Being busy has been a blessing though. I can always use the money. You couldn't have told me a few months ago that I would reach a place of contentment. Not happiness, cause I know that will come in time.....that's a work in progress. But time is passing and know that healing is taking place. The pain I feel is natural, but the suffering is a choice. And I choose to keep that to the minimum. Stanley left me a better woman than he found me, and since I recognize, I gotta represent. There are alot of opportunites presenting themselves to me and I'm taking measured steps. I read that you have to teach people how to be supportive of you on this journey. They don't always know what you need. This is really a rough road to travel. And since my steps are ordered by God, I better use my powers for good.(smile) I just wanted to check in and I'm praying that everyone finds a measure of peace and the contentment that goes with it. Please continue to be good to yourselves, if only for today and have a blessed one. One step at a time. Luv

[rodless]

Starchild, it is so good to read a positive message. I am encouraged by your words. Today was a great day for me - the first in a long time, and I thank God (who is my higher power) for letting me have it. Thanks to you too for putting into words what I am trying so hard to do. Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I always love hearing from you. It's hard to feel down in the dumps when someone comes along and hauls me up to Fifth Ave. Thanks. You're right, we do sometimes need to instruct people on the fine art of abiding in friendship through the process of grief. Many drift away out of fear that they'll say or not say something, and this will upset us or add to our sorrow. Truth is, we'd all rather have the friend there, even with them saying things out of line once in a while, than to sit alone with a microwave dinner in front of the tube. Your participation in your grief and healing is healthy. This will help you through the healing process, and you'll be glad you did the extra work. Tonight, I hope you can rest. You deserve this. My prayers are always with you. luvz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Laura, are you okay? Hope all is well over there, and with your children too. Be patient with the process, and let it flow like a quiet river. I'm praying for you. Me

[kagansmommy]

Good morning everyone~!! It's 4 am here in Indiana and once again I haven't even been to bed yet. It is officially thursday so I guess it's officially my birthday. But it is also the most dreaded day of the month...the day Kagan passed away. It has been 20 months today since I held my baby boy in my arms and rocked him to sleep for eternity. The last few months haven't bothered me but this month it is killing me. I feel like I am nothing but a hallowed out shell with a broken heart. I don't even want to see my kid's today. This process of grieving is destroying me inside. I can live my life without a lot of things, but not without Kagan. I exist but I feel as if I died when he did. This road has dragged me down and I don't know how to get back up on my feet. I don't know if I really even want to. I just don't care anymore.

Thank you Mark and Geri (MESSENGER) for staying in touch with me via email. I'm sorry I don't write back like I should but please know I do appreciate your concern and prayers for me. If I don't write back please don't be offended or think I don't want to hear from you. I love hearing from you both and it does help me.

Geri, I remember telling James about Kagan. I could tell it absolutely broke his heart to hear it but he held it together because he was at work. I am sure that he has found my angel and is watching out for him. We both loved and lost beautiful sons. Like you with James, I have pictures of Kagan all over my house, even in the bathroom. I need to be able to see his face anywhere I go.

Take care all and have a blessed day.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Hey Mark,

Am I o.k.? Well, I guess that depends on who you talk to, lol! I am introverting purposely these days.....My heart and soul feel so alone in this world....I am comforting myself because truthfully I am the only one who can get myself to a place where I can handle my grief.....don't get me wrong....I am out and about......working, house, yard, football games, fieldhockey games, out with friends, therapy, etc.......BUT,........I feel so alone.....I miss the half of me that always was from the time I was 14......I JUST CANNOT GET USE TO NOT HAVING HIM WITH ME......Also, I am constantly getting screwed by anybody who who feels that can take advantage of me.....So,.....I am forced to change.....personally I am the same with "high moral character",(don't mean for that to be cocky at all).......I am pure in my heart, always.....but, I am getting to be thick skinned so this hard world doesn't suck me up and spit me out......I am not a fighter but need to be now! I need to go to an inward place (my heart center) where only love abides and where I know my husband is and god........my kids are my TOP priority always and I think I am doing a really good job despite it being messy at times.....I know there is evil all around and I have armour on.............I am not sleeping thru the night again and once I wake up it is tough to get back to a sound sleep....it is still not believing what has happened and worrying about EVERYTHING! My world has to be small right now in order to stay focused and survive as there is just way to much to handle..............I hope you are all o.k. and I truely do think of you everyday along with your family. I know what you are going thru is not easy and a total horror, Mark.....You are an inspiration to me everyday......I am so proud of you and ALL your accomplishments in your life....I know you started out not having it easy at all and you pulled yourself by the shoestrings and pressed on....in fine fashion.......keep looking at all your beautiful kids and remember where they came from....don't ever forget!

Christy......HAPPY BIRTHDAY, sweatheart! Rememeber, you baby KAGAN, is a warrior now......No pain, no suffering.....only peace and happiness...AND, he is with you ALWAYS, watching over you and waiting for the day you will be together in holy happiness again....only this time, he will not be sick and you both can bask in it forever...........remember, if my husband has anything to do with it....they are playing all kinds of ball games togethere and with all the other angel babies in heaven.....I have an angel brother up there and I know they are all having one heck of a time....my husband and daddy are making sure of it....now, go and cry and know it is o.k. because there is so much love there.......it is not your time yet so think of KAGAN's happiness to get you thru your days....Love and peace!

To everyone else....you are all in my heart and prayers each and everyday.....

[messenger]

CHRISTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,IT IS SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU.........TRY............TO FIND SOME JOY TODAY........KAGAN WOULD WANT THAT FOR YOU...I KNOW TODAY IS SO HARD ON YOU...MY BIRTHDAY IS OCT..16TH AND JAMES PASSED AWAY ON 16TH...SO THAT DAY IS HARD...........I TOTALLY .....UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN ESPECIALLY TODAY...

HE IS STILL WITH YOU...CHRISTY...HAVE YOU HAD ANY SIGNS FROM HIM??? DREAMS???

I PRAY TODAY..HE WILL LET YOU KNOW HE IS AROUND YOU..IN A SPECIAL WAY.

JAMES WAS SUCH A SENSITIVE MAN..I KNOW HOW UPSET HE HAD TO BE TO HEAR YOUR NEWS ABOUT KAGAN..THEY ARE TOGETHER...JAMES LOVED KIDS AND IS PROBABLY HOLDING HIM AND TELLING HIM STORIES...KIDS LOVED HIM..

THE PHOTOS HELP~~~~!!!! WE NEED TO SEE THEIR FACES ..IT HELPS ALOT....WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME SINCE THEY LEFT OUR SIDE AS WILL NONE OF US ON BEYOND INDIGO..BUT WE CAN GET ON HERE WHEN WE NEED THAT EXTRA TOUCH OF LOVE AND COMPASSION AND KNOW..SOMEONE CARES~~~! AND SOMEONE IS ..........LISTENING TO US!!! AND WANTS TO HELP US..

I PRAY YOU WILL SEE THE SUNSHINE AND FEEL THE LOVE OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL SON TODAY

AS ALWAYS YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS..YOU CAN EMAIL ME ANYTIME....I CARE

MESSENGER

[lauraa]

Messenger and Christy,

My husband "passed" on the 16th also.....we have a bond! Peace.

[hmtod73]

hello everyone. i'm not sure why i picked this thread to post on. i read all of them but seldom respond. i have alot of issues at this time and i think i need to vent. first off i lost 2 of my friends this year. one to an illness, als, and the other to suicide. both age 33. i lost a family member this month. plus, september is a "bad" month for me. 3 out of 4 of my grandparents died in sept. we had our basement flooded by a huricane....while we were out of state. and at that same time we were in a different huricane in another state. i just found out today that another friend is dying, age 33. the only good thing about sept is my dad's birthday and even that did not go well, he hurt his back and had a really bad meal at the restaurant. my brother and his girlfriend broke up. my best friend's dad fell and broke his knee. my other friend's dad fell and busted his face. one of my friends witness a death on our college campus and described it to me in such detail that i had bad dreams about it. i felt like i was there. my mom died feb 2004. i miss her so, so much. her birthday is coming up on oct 6. it usually has been a fairly good day for me. my schedule is so crazy right now. i am going to college part time, and i have 2 young kids that need my attention. there has been alot of tension with my in-laws and me. my husband and i are not doing well, it has been that way for quite some time. i get NO support from him with ANYTHING. you name it and there is NO support. he doesn't even bother with the kids. my mind is constantly racing and i never seem to find a solution that is satisfying. my house is a desaster. i just am tired of having all these negative things going on. this is where i would turn to my mom for the answers and i can do that. well, i'm hungry and tired. thanks for letting me vent. heather

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Happy happy Christy! gee, our anniversary missed your anniversaire (fr, birthday) by a day (Weds). I hope you were able to whoop it up some, kiddo. I began wondering why I was feeling so off about things. Then it hit me, Jenni's birthday is two weeks from Monday. And, my wife isn't well now. She's had a bad week, lots of pain, lots of strange behaviour. I went to my neurologist, and he gave me things for my migraines and seizures. This made my day - get rid of them things! hehehe. Hon, Kagan is forever close, as close as your heartbeat. Remember talking about who was with Jenni last fall? This afternoon, a little plastic green froggie was on the dash of my truck. I keep that thing locked up like Fort Knox, and the alarm is always set. Ideas?

Please spoil yourself, girl. I'm always prayin'. I'll keep in touch as much as I can. Please watch for my next generation email address. luv ya, hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm so sorry that your grieving has entered the depressive, deep stage. Most people withdraw to a degree in this stage. But, keep in your mind you have a friend who is here for you. Girl, I do hope you can get some enjoyment out of the games, watching your children playing, the ice cream cone afterward (whether they win or lose), and even cleaning the uniforms too. Be sure to fit in some quiet time amid your working in the yard, fighting with those less scrupulous, or the millions of other chores through the day. You need a little time of calm and quiet, just to reflect, cry, talk with him and be Laura. Thank you for thinking of me the way you do. It may not have been easy growing up like that, but you're right - I'm better for it. My family is my entire life. After two decades of marriage behind me (Wednesday), I look back at what the preacher said, "two shall be one", and I see exactly that. She and I are one. Losing her is going to be losing me. And, just to let ya know, I'm still clean and sober. Please take very good and gentle care of yourself. If you need anything, you only need to ask. You're a great person, a cherished friend. Sleep well, and be sure to pamper yourself. You deserve it. A hug for my friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Heather, you are welcome here anytime, to vent your frustrations or to talk about the weather. Whatever you wish to say, we're here to listen to you, Heather. I'm sorry you have faced the loss of so many people in your life. The pain you feel shows through in your writing - this is a part of healing, a good thing - please continue writing and letting out your feelings. Congratulations on going to college! This is one of the best things you can do for yourself, basically do something just for you, to make your life better in some way. To have so little support from hubbie is painful, emotionally draining, with two children, exhausting. You already have far too much grieving, so patiently address the issue of your husband as you have time and emotional strength. My wife and I nearly divorced, which as great a trauma as losing them to death, maybe in some ways worse. When you have a moment, take just a little time to do something for you. Even if you just relax with a hot bath, and read a school book at the same time, it's a time to relax and "escape" from the strain. We're all here for you. If we can help you, please let us know.

[kagansmommy]

Kagan came to me in a dream about 6 months after he passed away. We were at my grandparents house, who have both passed. Kagan was outside and the door was all glass. He was jumping up and down saying "thank you mommy, thank you~!" I asked "baby why are you so excited, you are dead?" He said "because now mommy I can play ball." I tried to open the door and it would not open and Kagan said "No Mommy, it's not time for you yet."

Since then I have had several dreams about his funeral and he raises up out of the casket and says "see Mommy, I'm not dead. You gave up on me too soon." Those dreams haunt me every night. His daddy has had dreams where Kagan tells him that mommy's heart is too broken for him to come thru to me. But I don't know how to make my heart heal enough to allow him to come to me in my dreams without it being a nightmare.

I still have his crib set up in my bedroom and his little basket of laundry with the last clothes that he wore still in it unwashed. I can't bring myself to wash away the last traces of him. I have had people tell me it is morbid to keep his dirty laundry. Their problem, not mine~!!

Thank you all for your replys and the birthday wishes. I'm just glad it's over.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, yep, their problem! Keep the clothes right where they sit. Yes, you're heart is broken. But, when I hit bottom, totally crashed, Jenni was there. Take a small step in the right direction, toward your healing. If you can, try one of the books. I read several, but didn't make that connection with it all until I read "God Knows You're Grieving". I can't tell you what will work for you, but go out to a shop, open them, read a few pages, and see what talks to you. When it's right, you'll know. In all this time, I've never heard Jenni talk, but I've woke thinking about things, or feeling things. You don't have to go into how much you hurt, girl. I know. Just take care of you. Treat yourself very gently, with lots of love. I'm always here for ya, so let me know if I can help. luv ya, with a big hug. Me

[erinnzmom]

Lauraa it certainly sounds like you've been busy and that people have been trying to take advantage of you but you have a David inside of you able to take on any Goliath.. My mom gave me a placque that says "Give your worries to God He's up all night anyway". Sounds like good advice doesn't it?

As Mark always says but never does. Do something nice for yourself. Moms are always doing for others and we rarely do something for ourselves.

Hugs and prayers

Always Erinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Mark, I\'m glad that you made it to your twentieth, I\'m sorry that Mary is in so much pain. I know that there is a part of you that wants her suffering to end and another part that doesn\'t know how you\'ll go on with out her. I\'ve been praying for you all. I know that it\'s hard with Jenni\'s birthday coming up. I've missed posting but I've been so busy that I've been keeping the part of me that is soooo sad bottled up and numb. Have any of you ever done that? Not allowed yourself the time to cry? I was taking Katie to school the other day and we were talking about Erinn and she said something that made me sad and Kate said "don't cry or you'll make me cry and I just got my make up perfect and it'll run!"So typically 14 and how could you not laugh at that? The good Lord knew what He was doing when He sent Katie into our lives. Take your own advice and do something nice for you.

Hugs and love,

Always Erinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Christy,

I'll be praying for peace and comfort to heal your heart so that Kagan can come to you in your dreams. That first dream was beautiful. To hear your child

say Thank you Mommy and jump up and down and say now I can play ball. Hang on to that one Girl...I don't know how we heal our hearts when there's such a big empty space...but God can do anything and Kagan came before and he told you thank you and he was jumping and he was playing ball..what a memory..I had 2 dreams of Erinn one in which she was beaming and smiling her beautiful smile and the next dream she spoke to me and hugged me and told me that she was always with me..I hang onto that...It's not the same as having her here I want to go back and have it be a nightmare and I'll wake up and this will have never happened..but we all know that we can't go back and we will see them again just not as quickly as we would have liked.

Do something special for yourself.

Hugs and prayers

Always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

If it helps anyone here, I had a dream shortly after my husband "passed"...he was standing next to me at his calling hours and we were looking at his casket together and he said to me, "I am not there". Shortly after that, one evening, I sat at the edge of my bed in Sept. and looked to the left at our bedroom window and my husband's face appeared and I said, "there you are...I have been waiting for you"......it was him and so real........he has come to me so many other times and I know he is with me. All of your loved ones are with you and we all have to trust that.

I am in a place right now where I just am dealing with everything on a very personal level and it is "alone". I realized that no-one can take my pain away and no-one really can help me. They can support me like all you guys here but in general no-one wants any part of this pain and agony....it scares the hell out of them so they do nothing...that is o.k. because truthfully I have totally found out who my real friends are.....some were very surprising and extremely hurtful.....but, I am glad that I know now. I don't trust to many people which is sad in itself....and I hate the fact that this world is so political and all about money......that is the cold hard truth and we all know it but never before have I felt it more than since my husband passed. I am dealing alone and in my own way and in my own time. I do take care of myself and do little things for myself to get alone. I am struggling to regain my faith and to love anything again....my whole world changed drasticly when my husband got sick......I love my kids with my whole heart and they are part of my husband so I know he is with me in them.....but other than that I am skeptical of the world and know now that I have to sift thru everything before I find the good in anything or anybody. Wow, heavy stuff but it's the truth.....good night to all!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Who? Me? Worry? Yeah, me. I'm good at it, ain't I? Tonight isn't good. I feel like my brain went overload. Laura, I'm not about to do what my fear is tempting for. Been clean too many years. I'm holding a labsheet from the ER. The dystrophy has begun affecting her liver and remaining kidney. We need to run tests to figure out the progression. I'll let y'all know. til then, luv y'all, Me

[rodless]

Stay strong Mark and don't give in to temptation. We're all praying for you and God will get you through!! Mary Jo

[messenger]

DEAR...ALWAYSMYJENNIFER...................MAY THE LORD WRAP HIS LOVING ARMS AROUND YOU.............LIFT YOU UP ...PUTTING A SHIELD OF PROTECTION AROUND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I AM SO SORRY FOR ALL YOU HAVE ON YOUR PLATE......KNOW WE ARE ALL PRAYING FOR YOU.....MAY HIS HEALING HAND BE UPON YOU THIS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE RODLESS SAID.............STAY......STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MESSENGER

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you. I appreciate the friendships we share here. Most recovered addicts don't deal with stress well. I taught myself to deal with it, but I still have my days. Former addicts always live with fear of starting again. I'm not Superman, not even Superjunky. hehehe This attitude helps us stay clean. My greatest fear is maybe going over the edge after my wife dies. Thanks, Bets, for just being you. Yeah, we'll keep talking, girl. I'm gonna have some coffee and crawl into bed. I'm tired. luv y'all

[mamabets]

For Alwaysmyjennifer~ You might not be SUPERMAN, but be sure to remind yourself who thinks that he is!! LOL!! Go to Danny's website, remember? He is hanging out with SUPERMAN, always, watching out for you, my SUPERFRIEND always!! I love you~ mamabetsxoxoxo

[lauraa]

Mark,

I know these are the most difficult of times and it is a whirlwind of stress all around you....just always know I am always here to lend a hand and listen to "anything" you need to share so that you can get thru this in one piece......fear, well in my eye is a close relative to anxiety......we need to manage that....I think staying "in the moment" is the biggest help (not easy) and breathing properly.......I know, sometimes even my face and fingers get numb from improper breathing due to anxiety.....No-matter how ya shake it, this is so hard.....I am here to listen, always.

Thank you all for your prayers for my family. I met with my therapist this week and I told her, if I were on the outside looking in, I would have to say that I am doing a great job handling everything considering "it all"......My son is doing much better with his anxiety and PTSD.....anxiety is better and his appetite is much improved, not as irritable and all around better... (he lost 60 lbs.)and gaining.....my 16 y.o. got his drivers license yesterday.....I have already lost my car, lol!

I went out to dinner at a friends house yesterday after my sons football game and there was a total of two couple there and another single mom.....I guess we live and learn as we go thru this grief journey....We ended up having a nice dinner but somehow, someone always has to put their two cents worth in on the progress of my grieving (mind you, they don't see my at all on a daily basis).....He said (he's a dr.) don't let this grieving take you over, you have to let it go ( I was just sitting there participating in conversation)...he asked me how my kids were and then asked how I was.....I just love how people can offer this kind of "harsh" advice when they have no freakin' clue what it is like loosing someone as close as we were.....My question is....What am I not doing that makes people think I am not coping with this.....I get up everyday, I am raising 3 kids, running a house, working, go to all their games, follow their progress in school, maintain the yard, try to take care of my mental health in order to keep all their lives together and the list goes on.........I always feel depressed and so alone after such conversations because again I am reminded how really isolated in my feelings and that no-one can fix this and I hate that they offer their advice no knowing this kind of pain.....Just like the rest of this world they think you just find someone else and move on....NOT! It just doesn't work that way.....Well, another lesson learned....not to put myself in situations like that where there is to much time together....onething I have learned the most is people don't not like to hear the truth with my replys........oh well, another day to pull myself up and get thru......

I hope you all have a really peaceful day no-matter what you choose to do today..........bless you all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I hope this comes out right. What I feel about losing Jenni is about one person, me. It's not about my wife, my kids, my grandkids, or anyone else. It's about my emotional reaction to losing my daughter, nothing else. Nobody has any right at all to tell me to "get over it" (heard that) or "you have no right to grieve for her" (heard that too). Yes, I was told that because Brenda and I let her be adopted, I have no right to grieve for my own child. I backed that bozo against a wall and went nuclear - I lost it. When President Kennedy was killed, millions wept in sorrow. What we feel by the death of another has no connection to who they are in relation, but who they are as they connect emotionally to us. It's all about love. A very wise sage said we grieve as deeply as we love. Thank you for saying that. Don't let others tell you how, when, why to grieve. Just grieve as your heart leads you. You're doing well, you're healing. I'm always here, a friend who'll listen. So, please take sweet and gentle care of yourself, and don't let the ill-mannered words of others upset you. They haven't experienced the depth of loss you - we have. When they do, they'll suddenly gain great wisdom. For my friend, a hug. Mark

[lauraa]

Mark,

I sent another long post last night but it isn't here???? ooops! I totally get what you are saying......I will write in awhile...just got up. Have a beautiful day.

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone,

I had a really busy day today and just got in and I am tired but I just wanted to shoot you all a note to let you all know I am thinking of you all. This is the roughest road I have ever had to walk and I know it is for all of you as well. I think we "always" have to trust our hearts in all that we do....only we know how we are feeling and what our experiences have been in our lives. How in the world can anyone give us advice or make commments to us on how we should or should not do things.....I find it extremely intrusive....I learned another valuable lesson Sat. night as I went with the flow and spent alittle to much time with people and set myself up for others opinions......don't forget, "we grieve as deeply as we loved"....thank you for remembering that Mark and I hope it has helped you in your dark moments.....no-one know unless they have been thru what we have.....we didn't loose toe-nails here......I won't let anyone give me their opinion, especially the ones who haven't been here for me, even a moment! Mark, I totally understand what you wrote and I would of plastered someone to the wall to if they said that to me.....the dumb a**! You all have a great nite and hope you all have wonderful dreams of the ones you love......I think we do alot but just don't remember them........Peace...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, your words of wisdom have carried me through some very dark times, and I know will continue to do so for a long time to come. Thank you, my friend. I love the point blank way you have of saying certain things. Gee, if this is the way you'd deal with someone getting lippy about the way we grieve, I may not want to know what you'd do about Jenni. I'm gonna duck and hide. hehehehe. Just being silly. It's good to keep busy with things, but still, take a little time out for Laura now and then. Do something special for her - she's a great person, and to all of us, a terrific friend. Hope ya sleep well. My doctor wanted me to switch into a groove of sleeping nights, but after all these years of playing through the night, I don't think I can. I'm a permanent night owl. I've been enjoying some precious dreams, and in two weeks, they're coming true. I'm doing a very big thing for me . . . well, for my grandson, but for me too. I'm going to spend a few days with him and my daughter. Everyone is very excited about this trip (my youngest is trippin' at the thought of seeing his nephew). My prayers are with you Laura, always. Me