I Believe in God...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, my thoughts are going to be given as a man, and as a dad, not a shrink. I think it's going to come across better. As you recall my dissertation of the differences between the grieving styles of a child compared to an adult, these are what he is feeling now. My thoughts as a guy, a father raising kids who are losing their mom, I think I can only tell you your son needs mom now. He wants dad, but he can't have him, maybe. Has he told you about any ADCs? My deceased sister is visiting my daughter. I most likely would expect you to tell my your husband has visited your daughter, though. Girls seem to be more in tune. Yes, Laura, let him have some time off, maybe a year, no more than two. But, be sure to tell him that he must plan to return, and must show you in writing his plan, and that it will be within your specified time. Kids are good at wiggling out of responsibility, so keep on guard. I'm very happy you have a friend who just happens to be a man. I've said this before. I'm truly happy. You of all people should be allowed such a dear friend in this world. I would give anything to see your gentle heart healed from this pain. You are a truly wonderful woman. I do pray for you every day, and for children daily as well, for their healing and choices while they heal. They're good kids, which must come from their mom. So, go ahead and give him some time for healing. This is a long journey for kids, and for us older people. I'm happy you're gettin' the house back into proper repair. Be proud of all you are doing for them. I'm proud of you, my friend. til next time, I ain't runnin' noplace, my dear friend. The stress is bad, but I'm stayin' put. Let me know how this works for you and your children. Mark

[lauraa]

Mark....Thank you for all your suggestions and opinions....You are right! I also talked with my therapist about my son and she said for me to give him my blessings and let him drop out....Also, my friend met with him yesterday for lunch to support him....he also thinks it is a good idea (my friend dropped out when he was Mark's age and is very successsful today). He is going to meet him once a month and keep tabs on him and they are keeping it in writing....this is a friend, neighbor and I also work for him....He knows my entire situation and is a huge support. My son also has a plan. He wants to work and make some money and he wants to first get his associates degree which I think he feels (so do I) that it it the "pie in the sky" for him and would be more managable and attainable and he also wants to get certified to be a trainer in weight and conditioning....which is what I suggested to him awhile back (so, I think he is listening to me?). I so know how exhausted he is because I feel the same way....My gitty up got up and left! Truthfully, I know after 2 1/2 years everyone thinks I should be "over it" but I feel like I have been beaten with ball bats and now am struggling to catch my breathe. No-one knows this kind of pain that touches us emotionally, spiritually, psycholicly and in turn physiologicly.....until them themselves have gone thru something similiar.....so,I know my children are suffering. My son also wants to go for a drive to Ohio to visit his dad's grave site which tells me he is missing him and grieving deeply......Mark, you are such a good friend and an inspiration to me. Thank you for all your support. I know what you are going thru is very traumatic and it is a juggling act to keep it all together. I wish that I could rewind life for you to go back to when it wasn't so bad and life wasn't so complicated with Mary. I pray for you all.

I feel like a weight in on my shoulders with everything going on but I need to take my own advice and take alittle more care of me....I am doing that but still exhausted....I know my husband would not want me to struggle like this but I am just grieving so for him...A close friend of mine is also a therapist and in the past she said this is all normal as it is called "flooding"....all the memories, emotions, etc.....are coming back. I do this with all the good times and the bad...It is overwhelming combined with raising the kids and trying to keep things going......They say, "What doesn't kill us will make us stronger", huh! I am not sure of that.........Keep the faith my friend and know there is always a friend on this end........(((HUGS))).

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, if I may stick my nose in again, you're on track. Let Mark have some time to heal. Up until now, what you said wasn't showing grief, but today, he is truly grieving. He won't be able to concentrate on college well. He loves his dad so much, he'd struggle. Let him take the trip to Ohio, and tell him it's a solo trip this time. Buy him a AAA card, just in case, and let the "birdie" fly. As a dad of boys, permit me to say that he needs this as trip as much to grieve for dad as he does for something very special, a father/son moment. Your son may be 21, but like you said, emotionally . . . This is his moment. Let him make it special. If you wish, go for the ritual, like my wife and I did. It helps them to adjust to the emotional changes. Now, about you, girl. You really need to take care of yourself, and try to carry less than you have been for the last three years. It's okay to say we can't, or that it's too much, or that we need a little help. We're all in this together, in a sense. As friends, I'd go any distance to help you. You don't need to carry all these things alone. You have help, and not just in me. Please take care of yourself. Start with a long hot bath, a good book, candles, whatever it is that makes Laura feel good about Laura. Next, start facing one item at a time, not the whole flood. Deal only one at a time. The extremes only set us up for emotional overload. You've had plenty, my dear friend. Now, only deal with you, and how you relate to your sorrow and loss. I would rather you not run about worrying about ideas and concepts that add to the flood. Just deal with you and your own sorrow for this moment. You have said a lot, and exactly what my wife also says, about grieving. He doesn't want you to be so upset like this, but you're going to be, no matter what. This is your turmoil, built on love. We can't stop this part. We can only look within it by meditation to see if there is something we can do to make it more tolerable. My prayers always are with you and with each of your dear children. for you, my friend, a hug. Mark

[lauraa]

Mark....thank you for your shoulder to cry on. I am a strong woman but grieving feels like it is getting the best of me. I feel so overwhelmed by life and it's problems....Everything for me has taken a 360 on me...I have stayed steady for my kids so that they will get thru this but I feel very depressed ....I feel traumatized and having lots of "panic". I have alot on my plate and truthfully I isolate myself, because I am sick and tired of everyone over stepping their bounds when they have the slightest chance. Examples of that would be people saying to me things like.....Don't wollow in your grief, you weren't there for me the last 5 years, your husband wouldn't want you to be sad, maybe if you met someone...it could be better.....how long will it take your son to get "over it". And, truthfully everyone has disappeared as if my husband didn't exist.... We were married for 28 years and together for 34 years since we were 14.....he was my entire life and we built a beautiful life together and a family that we cherished.....I just feel so overwhelmed by it all.......It is heart breaking to watch our children suffer so and to feel so helpless at times but I know there comes at time that we have to let go and let they fly on their own with....very difficult with all the pain they are carrying....I know you can understand that! I am not a big medicine taking person but am starting to think maybe I need some help......why does life have to be so hard? Why is there so much suffering? Why are we constantly being tested? I have had alot of loss in my life but this one is a kicker.....I still cannot go to church but feel as though I have my own church in my heart.......I hope you understand........

gtg....and, figure out who to call because my hot water heater is not working and then off to my son's football game.....time to put the mask on again in this world that cannot deal with grieving and talking about loss.......Peace today for you and your family.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, Hot water? Gas or electric? I know how to do gas units, but I haven't gotten into one in a few years. Mostly been inside electric. If ya want, I can puddle out that way and fix it for free. I may slip up and accidentally say something that comes out wrong, and when I do, you know I'm going to face it and apologize. If I have said anything like that lately, I'm so deeply sorry. It's never intended, as you know. Grieving takes a long time, for you and for your children. Oh, he can't just "get over this". It's sickening, as you have said. I'm sorry those people have vanished from your life. I'm sorry. You need people; no, you need your truest friends. Although you have difficulties with the issue of church, have you ever noticed, I'm the seminary grad who has never once said anything negative about it? I wouldn't want you to abandon your faith, but I do understand what you are going through. You have seen far too much. I want you to feel peace. Isolation may or may not be good. To a degree, it can be good, giving the freedom for grieving. But, try to stay open to the idea of keeping your friends near. I'm here for you. I keep prayers for you and your dear children always. Try to get some rest. If you ever need anything, just ask. hope your weekend is going as well as possible. Remember, if you need to cry, it's okay. Even if you need to hide your pretty face in your purse while you cry, it's okay. You may start a new suburban trend. talk with ya soon, Mark

[lauraa]

Mark....what you doing up at 2 a.m.? Your suppose to be in bed at that time. My water heater is gas and I finally called my plumber (after I boiled water on the stove to wash up)and he and reignite it and said he will should come back this week to clean it...but it didn't look like I needed a new one...thank goodness! AS far as the church think...I do go to a Spiritual Church and I love it (it's an hour or so away)and I get alot of peace from it....gee, maybe I'll go today for a ride? I know your went to the seminary and if I affended you I am sorry.....my husband had the most beutiful mass you could imagine but I just cannot go now...I think if I did I could crumble and fall......I told you that because I thought you would understand.....I was right! Yes, I have been thru alot and I know it's it PTSD and I am dealing the best I can and trying to rest up for what's to come. People for the most part are flat out stupid and I don't buy their excuses..they are lame to me.....so I know who my friends are and truthfully would rather be alone than to se myself up for disappoints.....tired of people when they have any remote chance trying to tell me what to do or what they thing when they don't have a clue or that they have been here for me thru it all....I have had a major disappointment in someone "I thought" was my best friend....she didn't want me to grieve and was selfish as to wanting me to be there for her...this was my extremely religious friend......so, like I said my church is in my heart for now except when I go to my little church...everyone there is nice and real...the way I like it!

Rain my way today. My son withdrew himself out of 3 of his classes. My friend is mentoring him and they are going to meet once a month and put concrete goals in writing..........

How is it going in your neck of the woods? I hope all is well with all the help you are getting with your dear Mary. I hope all her caregivers are good and she is pain free or the best she can be. Is your daughter visiting? Are you able to get out and play your music like you love so much? I hope so......Hang in there Mark and continue to keep the love swirling your home.

Peace to you all.

(((HUGS)))

ME

[lauraa]

Mark...sorry for all my typo's.....didn't recheck this time. Hope you can make out what I am saying.

[aprilsmom]

Mark and Lauraa, could you please pray for me this week? Friday will be two years and I am having a hard time. GOD- I know deep down that He is still there for us even though I cry out that I can't f'ing understand why all this had to happen. I am sick of my defenses being crushed and I want that assurance I used to have about "being with our loved ones in heaven"! The enemy is trying to rob me of my beliefs as well as everything else so I need your support in prayer. I will be lifting both of you up as well.

Peace Find You,

Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, comment ca va, mon ami? what typos? You type great! There has never been, is not now, nor never shall be a time when I will be upset or offended by what you say. I don't take anyone at word value, but by what is intended. However, I do get a bit testy with those people who dare tell us that we are wrong to grieve a certain way, or that we should "get over it". I was going to my friend's wake Sunday, and as I thought about him, I also thought of Jenni, which started the tears a little. Someone told me this was wrong, and that I needed to take something for anxiety, and then get over it. People can be so hopelessly insensitive at times. This is why I love being here. We all share the concept that nobody should tell another person how or how long to grieve. Reading that your son is letting a few classes go makes me happy for him. He needs the time for himself and his emotional health. I'm also happy that your hot water isn't a serious issue. I'd hate to think of it being something drastic. For you, my dear friend, my friend who has stood by me through some of the most difficult times I've ever been through, please don't feel like you can offend me. Just tell me the way you feel honestly, and I'll sort it out and never take offense. This is just the way this little street kid is. Take good care of yourself, and of course, spend some time in your special place, your spiritual church, when you have time. Just thinking of how beautiful his mass was can bring tears to my grumpy old eyes (not really grumpy, but I am working on the old part). Past this, it's been getting cold here, with a few rainies, which make me hurt. I don't mind the days of pain. They're okay. When I get a fatigue day, I feel down, cuz I'm active and want to do stuff, but fatigue won't let me. Ahhhhh, such is life with my illness. My sweetie had her eval for the new powered wheelchair. We have to play the waiting game for insurance paperwork. When they get done playing games, then it's only a matter of ordering her new buggy and riding about in it. Beyond that, I'm knitting and crocheting a few things for Christmas gifts, like new slipper socks for my grandson. He likes to get the things I make. (smiles). I'll catch up with ya soon. hugs, me.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him. According to the Lord's own Word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left til the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. Renee, in Him, we're brother and sister. We'll see our cherished children again. It's writen in 1 Thes 4. Rest your dear heart in knowing that you will see April again, and for all eternity. Nothing, not death, nor life, nor powers of darkness, not even sin can separate us from the love of God within us. Just believe. Believe. To draw close to these special days is bitterly painful. Please stay close, and write as often as you can. My prayers are always with you, sis. I feel so sorry my sweetie was too ill for me to get into the city much to be able to visit. I had to drive to LaGuardia to pick up someone, then get right back home (I feel like a prisoner in my own home sometimes). Do take care of yourself. I'm praying for you. Always praying for you, and your family. hugs, moi.

[lauraa]

Renee,

I am praying for you! It's an honor that you opened your heart to Mark and me and asked for support. Please remember that he is closer to you than your own heart. And, "we grieve as deeply as we loved". God comforts those who mourn....hard to believe sometimes when we feel abandoned in so many ways. I feel the same as you do. It is the hardest to ever get thru when we suffer a loss as we all have. The world outside us doesn't get it if they haven't experienced what we have. It's is so lonely! I have to believe in eternity and the promises god made to us all, otherwise, nothing else makes sense and I will go crazy. Look for signs my friend...and you will receive gifts. You have my support and prayers.

[lauraa]

Mark,

I wish that there was something I could do to take all your pain away and you and your family wouldn't have to suffer all this pain. You don't have to give up anything just because some dumb ass makes a comment to you about getting over your grieving....It is all yours my friend.....You have done a tremendous job handling what could have put someone else away.....Let go and let god, huh! Everyday you stand tall and I know your family looks to you with complete admiration at all you represent and do. You know your own heart and what is real so don't let anyone take that from you, ever. It is called "integrity".....

As for me, I cry everyday and there will never be a day that will go by that I won't cry and grieve for my husband and parents. I loved my husband and I loved being married to him. I had the best! I was robbed....so, I grieve and I will not let anyone take that away from me.....I do believe that god is with me even though he knows I am pissed at him and I know my husband is with me, too. I can honestly say that I know what "rock bottom" is. I can say that I know what it feels like to feel like I died right alone with them. It is like trying to be pulled up with a rope from a deep hole and slipping with each tug....it is trying to find my zest for life again all the while holding myself together to raise our three kids and get them thru all their pain and suffering to go on....Yep...this is bottom. I know you have been there and back again....thank you for all your support thru my darkest times and always know I am here for you. I am so glad about the electric chair for Mary. And, who knew you could crochet....awesome! What a gift. I know the rain is a downer and it must make your ache, I am sorry for that. It also preys on our emotions, too......gray days = low spirit......oh well, we are a rugged bunch here and we will get thru all this.....together. I am sorry for your friend. In prayer!

[lauraa]

Hey Mark....Just wanted to let you know I had a really good visit with my therapist today. She know everything about my situation and she has been widowed twice herself....sooooo, she "really" knows what I am going thru. She validated me so much today. I think people on the outside looking in think, oh she should be over this by now but what they don't know is all the details and also that I lost both my parents within 6 months of my husband. So, I left feeling totally validated for where I am in my grieving process. It takes longer for some for a reason and others are so quick to judge.....My therapy and BI is the only place I can go to be totally understood. I have had alot of stuff to deal with the first two years that kept me from the depths of my grief but I am there now. The pain is so bad I could just die. Alot of energy is put into putting my face on so my kids are o.k. They do know that I grieve though. I know you can understand this. Thank you for always listening to me.

And the chair we talked about....I would love for you to have it "for you" in order for your life to be easier.....A gift! Like bran spankin' new....red like a corvette...electric.....a very special person used it and I know it would be an honor for him to give it to you....if he were here he would want you to have it......10 miles an hour on the highway.....LOL....(((HUGS))).

[kagansmommy]

Laura, I think it is great that you have a therapist that has been in your shoes. My therapist flat out told me that she had no idea what I was going through and all she could do was try to help me get through it and still be sane. And as with you when people know ALL the details about what you are going through they really don't know what to say. It's a package deal and unfortunately it came for a lot of us all at once. I had never had anything bad happen in my life except the loss of my grandparents. And in the span of 2 years I got pregnant, found out my baby had a terminal disease, had congested heart failure, got a divorce, my son got married, my dad died, my son had his first baby, my mom remarried after only 13 months, my son had another baby, and my baby boy died. I am actually grieving the loss of the four most important men in my life. My son's, my ex, and my Dad. My oldest son and I were so close and when he moved out I actually mourned for him because it wasn't on good terms. A friend told me a couple days ago to stop grieving for what I lost and start being thankful for what I have because it's more than most have. I informed him that "most" have never lost a child and he could kiss my a$$, pardon my french. I am so devestated over the loss of Kagan that I have never mourned for my Dad. People need to get a clue and keep their traps shut. I talk about Kagan all the time to everyone. I know it probably makes them uncomfortable but it makes me feel better and gives me such enjoyment remembering the silly little things he used to do. That may sound selfish but I will take all those happy little moments I can get.

I can't understand what you are going through as well as you can't understand what I am going through. But we are going through it together. We may have different losses but we share the same love and compassion for everyone on this board. I get on here daily to see how everyone is doing.

May peace be with you all.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[kagansmommy]

Mark, I have been praying so hard for Mary. And for you too. This road we are on sucks and I hate every step of it. I'm sorry if I seem negative or hateful. I have been in such a slump lately. All I do is cry and have one panic attack after another. I haven't been sleeping and you know how it is to be sleep deprived. People think you are losing your marbles. Sometimes I think I have already lost mine. Dacey's 3rd birthday is thursday and I have tried my best to be excited for her. Even she ask's me whats wrong all the time. Kids are pretty smart little creatures. I'm taking her shopping for her b-day so pray for my sanity. She is a shop-a-holic.

Take care my friend and give Mary my love.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[kagansmommy]

Renee, I will also be praying for you on Friday. Always, but especially on Friday.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[erinnzmom]

Renee,

Will be praying for you especially on Friday! Do you think that our kids celebrate the anniversary of the day that they get to heaven? I'm picturing a really big party..I bet your April and my Erinn and everyone from BI will be having a great time. I can't wait to get to Heaven where there is no more tears ....I know that we've all cried enough of them here...What are you going to do for April's angel day? Praying for peace for you and your family on April's angel day and every day.

Hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm not one to let people keep me "down" for too long. I may grumble and complain a little bit, but I find a curb and crawl back up to my wheels and get boogying again. Oh, don't ya just love all these gray days? Yuck. My wife and I have our little inside "joke" about it. When the storm approaches, I hurt. When the storm starts pouring on our heads, I feel great, but she hurts like mad. I love rainbows. Neither of us hurt when we can see the rainbow - it's all over then. Yeah, I know you fairly well, that you may try to keep the kids from seeing too much of it, but they can still see mom's tears. This is okay. My kids have seen plenty of my tears, and more will be on tap. What are we going to do about that guy bouncing your rope so hard? If we're gonna get you outa that pit, we gotta make the guy with the rope take it easy on our Laura. After all, our Laura is a pretty special, wonderful friend. Corvette red? Oooo! You are the most endearing, beautiful friend. Merci beaucoup, mon cher ami. Did I email you a photo of my old Vette? Not red, but white, with an engine sticking out of the hood all the way to the top of the roof. I can't figure why Nikki keeps begging for the keys! Did I tell you about Allison, Jenni's half sister? She's pregnant! Her due date is March 25. Jenni's going to be an aunt! I can't wait to see her baby. Laura, please take very gentle care of yourself, and listen to your therapist. She's a wise lady. When you get a chance, please email me and we'll talk. I am forever grateful to you. Forever. Thank you, my dear friend. hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, please set these thoughts in your sweet, precious heart, my friend and sis. You are not negative, not hateful. You are a mommy who is full of a pain only a mommy with your pain can understand. I see losing Jenni from a dad's eyes. I can't understand what you feel. Maybe I can come close, but there is such a special bond between a mother and child, one only you and Kagan can know and understand. Cherish this and protect it. Never let anyone hinder you from what you want or need to feel. This is Christy's time, not "theirs". With this, hon, you haven't lost your marbles. They're with Kagan. He needs them for the tournament. If he wins, he promised to give them back with all the extras he wins. I know I am just being a little silly here, kiddo. This is your time of a deep sorrow. Nobody has any right to say anything about it to you. If they do, they answer to the crazy city boy. I'm certain each and every one of us has been through a time of emotional instability during our grief (I have - when my grandfather died, I vanished for 6 months and I even missed my wedding cuz of it). Please take very good care of yourself. Be sure to get between 8 and 10 hours of sleep each night. Be sure to eat as you should, so your health stays as well as possible (pleeeeez). And, please take care of your emotional health. If you need to talk to someone, talk with a counselor you trust. If you hit a crisis, you know you may always call me at any time of day or night, any day of the week. I'm always here for you, and I always keep my phone close. Now, let me guess. You have a bunch of toy froggies to pick up? I hope Kagan visits you soon, Christy. You seem to pick up when he does. My prayers are always, daily, with you. luv ya like a sister. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, just a thought. I think our children are having far too much fun in Heaven to fuss over a birthday. But then, I can be totally wrong. Jenni's proved me completely whack before. She's sooo sweet. luv my little girl. I miss her so much. How's everything your way? I keep a prayer for you and for Katie. Is she doing alright? School? Oooo, those report cards! I'm sooo happy mine are adults (except one who's close to done with high school). I like being a grandfather. Take care. hugs, Mark

[kagansmommy]

Mark, Thank you for being silly. You made me laugh and not much does these days.

Kagan has been visiting a lot lately. Making noises, rattling door handles. But it just seems to make me miss him more. I try to be grateful that he has no more pain and he can walk, talk, and play ball now. He can even go fishing with my Dad. I sure do hope all of our loved ones have found each other. Maybe they are hanging together because we do. Something sure does have us all bonded together. I am so thankful for everyone here.

God bless you all.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Christy, You are so right about the grieving and not having the chance to grieve for your dad...that also what has happened to me. I have been grieving so deeply for my husband that there was no time to focus on my dad or mom. Recently things have come to me like pictures of my dad and anniversaries that have awakened me of it all and it is rough....My dad and I were so tight and he and my husband were my "bestest" friends in the whole world....I really thought my husband would be with me when I lost my dad. My therapist told me yesterday that because I wasn't real close with my mom, that sometimes that makes it even harder...so, needless to say I haven't dealt with that yet....OMG....they all suffered so much and I cry just of the thought of what they all went thru.....My hearts breaks.

Renee.....You are in my heart, thoughts and prayers....especially on friday....

Mark......sleep, my friend....that is what the rain is good for.....you can email me anytime, too. We can pain that thing white if you want and we can put a big gigantic engine on the front of it...only it would have to sit on your lap or else you would have to sit on it.....LOL...(((HUGS))).

[erinnzmom]

Hey Mark,

School is such a struggle for my girl Katie, she has ADD ..She's a bright kid but..there is something wrong with the way they teach in school cuz Katie doesn't fit the mold and she's made to feel different...she's called names like Emo It's someone who's a cutter....her so called friends were calling her that and they call her a SPED because she has Special Education needs..I could just scream...she is such a sensitive soul...do you know what one of her teachers did? he took a picture of her working.....She has a really hard time writing down her thoughts..and that day she had written a whole page..he then showed it to all her classmates...How do you think that made a 14 yr old girl feel?

The teachers thought it was funny even her special ed teacher thought it was funny..I asked them if they take pics of "normal" kids writing? They just don't get it..and these are supposed to be the professionals helping this child...Could use your prayers...High School is next year..and the school that she has to go is really bad...It's like a war zone...and the other high schools in the areas don't have to accept her with her special eds issues...

A bunch of us are getting together the weekend after Thanksgiving so big apple boy what do you think? Depending on where we meet do you think you could join us? I'd love to bring Katie along too.

Hugs and prayers

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[kagansmommy]

Laurie, I am so sorry Katie has to go through this at school. This is a cruel worl we live in today. And unfortunately school is not the best place for a child to get positive guidance. When my son was a freshman in high school his english teacher told him he would never amount to anything because of his grammar. He informed her that in three years (when he graduated) he would be making more money than her. And in seven years he would be making double that and have 4 degrees, be a union bricklayer, and a certified welder. And by George he did it too. When a child puts their mind to something it doesn't matter what their learning disabilities are, they can do it. I will be praying for your sweet little Katie. I am especially fond of that name because that was the name of the baby I miscarried 16 years ago, Katie Lynn.

My prayers are with you both.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Laurie...If I am not mistaken, it is illegal to take any pictures of our kids in school without your parental permission....I would take that straight to the principle. I know what you are going thru and we as parents have to fight every step of the way for our kids (unfortunately). In our school they send a form home that we need to sign giving them permission to have any pictures of our kids taken and used in anyway. On top of that she is on an i.e.p. which is suppose to be confidential and handled in a professional way. If you don't think that is happening and it is making matters worse with your daughter I would call here, guidance counselor, school psychologist, principle and get an advocate thru the school to vouche advocate for you....My oldest son had ADD so I know what you and your daughter are going thru. My other 16 y.o. was on an i.e.p until the end of 8th grade and my daughter was just started on one for a math disability......you have to fight all the time...I know! YOU GO GIRL!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, I don't want to sound like I can be one nasty little _ _ _ , but get aggressive. Walk into the principle's office and say you'll file a lawsuit, personally and individually, against each board member, principle, vice principle, and everyone else involved, including the "teacher". And yes, it's illegal to photograph a student or any child without parental consent.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, Nah, let's leave well enough alone, in honor. I think I'll stuff the big engines into sumthin that can get to 180 (I've driven that fast). Good news for today! I had the TBI institute intake today. I'm in. They have great programs, most perfect for the damage from my brain surgery and coma. They'll even give me voice retraining to see if I can regain any singing (doubtful, but we'll see) since I was intubated while in the coma. Before the coma, my voice was a lot like John Kay. Now it's a lot like Barney. Oh, cringe! Ever have one thing that defined your career as "over"? That's it. Picture a purple dinosaur singing Born To Be Wild. (are you laughing?) Mostly, I get to have an assistant for such things as shopping and bill paying, etc. I'll take you up on the sleep thing. Rainy days are okay for a housecat. This weekend, the weather boys are saying something about snow. I can't wait (of course, I am being sarcastic). Take care of your self. I'll be praying for you and your children too. Hugs, Mark

[rodless]

Laurie, I am appalled at what happened to your daughter. Coming from a family of teachers, I cannot imagine that situation. I agree with everyone else.. take action and don't be shy about it. The best advocate your daughter has is you!

Laura, I am so glad about your experience with your therapist. I have worried and prayed about you as I can tell you are really struggling. An article I got from Hospice yesteday hit it on the head. We are all different... no one's grief journey is right or wrong and we all need to understand that. Unfortunately, the ones who do understand are the ones who are walking the same path. I know I wasn't as aware of that until it happened to me. And so many times, we put a good face on and people just assume we're ok. Everyone goes on with their life and it isn't that they don't care, they just don't "get it."

Everyone else, I watch your posts and take them to heart. Everyone needs to have someplace to vent and be validated. We're all luck to have found this one! Mary Jo

[lauraa]

Mary Jo,

Thank you for your post and for validating me and how I feel. Even though we are here posting, I don't think we all really tell our entire story. Mine is compounded by alot of things. And, it seems that I am just constantly being challenged with things due to the process. I value this board so much and feel as though everyone is a part of me here....your right, no-one really knows what we are going thru and when they see us cleaned up and seemingly o.k. then they just assume we are "over it".....it hurts like hell to see the world go on when mine seems to have crumbled....I also think we are all a tough bunch here to begin with and I think that makes our grieving rough as well because if you are anything like me, you are the one that keeps things going and when something like this happens to us, it is a 100% change which causes us to do a "360". It took alot for me to cry and now I cry everyday. This has taken me to me lowest point in my life and believe me I have had some other low times. I find myself asking god over and over again, WHY? What did I do to deserve this? What did my beautiful person of a man do to deserve this? How much more can one take? Why, why why? Why all the suffering? Why the kids? I tell my friends that it doesn't pay to be good, so I ain't going to be good no more...lol.........Life isn't fair and this one has thrown me for a loop. I know you all have been thrown, too. I decided that I need to be truthful in all that I feel in order to heal and that includes expressing the anger that I feel. I need to stay well for my purpose and for my kids.

Thank you and everyone here for all your support...I would have been lost without it...I don't think I would have survived without it.

[rodless]

Laura, the why question has no answer as far as I'm concerned... and that's really hard to deal with. Positive thoughts are going your way today!! Remember we all care about you no matter how you feel. Mary Jo

[starchild]

Hi Everyone, As always I'd like to give honor and praises to my higher power and thank him for another chance to try and get this right. Laura, you are so right when you say that we don't tell our whole story. We really don't know the whole story ourselves. The book isn't closed on us yet so until then it's all just another chapter. I haven't been here lately because I've been trying to get some more clarity on just who I am today and the direction that I"m headed. I've been exploring other facets of my grief journey and incorporating as many positive aspects as I can into my recovery process. I want to heal as healthy as I possibly can spiritually as well as emotionally. I still miss my husband so very much and for how he left me here there will always be this ache for him in my spirit that I have to contend with........so

Higher Power, deliver me

From the cowardice that dare not face the truth

From the laziness that is contented with half truth

From the arrogance that thinks it knows all truth

These things, good Lord, that I pray for

Give me the strength to work for

It's the same thing I pray for everyone here. I have missed talking to you all and on my word I won't take this long to check in again. Please continue to take care of yourselves, if only for today. Till then, Still luv ya

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, it's always so very good to hear from you. From the start, you took a healthy, positive approach to your own healing. You went about it as though you were a medical professional seeking a cure for a patient's illness. More than this, you have gone about this emotionally like this. I admire your free exercise of faith. I also admire your free and open approach to healing, the book going on to the next chapter, not closing at the end of the book (there really is no end of our book, for we live on into eternity, correct? My prayers are with you, and with your children. We're here for you. May God give your dear heart the peace and conmfort you need and deserve. I do hope this whole weekend is filled with rest and joy for you. Til next time, hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, how are you today? Are your children okay? I hope you and your dear daughter are trying to have fun together baking pies and cookies and things for Thanksgiving (the American one). The cool part about being Canadian is I get to celebrate this stuff twice - I love turkey dinners. These holidays aren't easy by any stretch, so make sure you take some time out for you. Laura is a special and dear lady, so she needs her own time for healing and nurturing her own heart and soul. Today, I did a bit of a spiral about my wife's health. She did something that ended up with more trouble than I feel comfortable writing here. After speaking with care management, nursing coordinater, care advocate, and her doctor, I now need to push for immediate nursing home placement. I'll keep you up to date on her changes. You have been such a dear friend through all this, for the last couple of years, I'd be lost without your encouragement and support. Thank you for everything. At the moment, I'm really not feeling stressed. This is just the way it's got to be. I'm tired tonight, but without more help, I must stay awake til day shift gets here. I'm praying you get enough sleep, your children too. Til tomorrow nit, a hug for my friend. Mark

[aprilsmom]

Thank you so much for the prayers....I did okay yesterday but I wish it was February 2007 or the Day the Lord comes back. Starchild, Lauraa, you all speak to my heart.

Peace Find You,

Renee

[lauraa]

I just woke up so sad today. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK! I have to tell the truth of how I am feeling and that is it. I WANT HIM BACK! Every night before I go to sleep I just say, COME BACK TO ME! I HATE THESEE HOLIDAYS.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, you are with your friends here. We're not family, but we do care. It's okay, perfectly okay, to release your inner feelings about his passing. Your wise words are never said with more meaning than when you say them in regard to your own family. You're in love with a great man, so devoted in love to you and your children. Some people could tell you that you shouldn't grieve like this, but this is your love, your sorrow, and your time of grieving. These holidays are so difficult and painful. Allow yourself something extra special, just for Laura, that only he would think to treat you with. Think back to your younger days, even before marriage, and those little things he did for you, just so he could enjoy seeing your smile. He can't be with you this holiday, but he is as close to you as your heartbeat, still in love with his Laura. Please try to get a little sleep tonight. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your children. always here for you, my friend, Mark

[messenger]

HI CHRISTY!!! GOOD TO SEE YOU ON HERE..I AM NOT ON MUCH...TOO MUCH GOING ON LATELY..........I BELIEVE OUR LOVED ONES ARE THE ONES THAT LED US TO EACH OTHER.....WE DIDNT JUST HAPPEN TO CHECK OUT BEYOND INDIGO..THEY PUT THE THOUGHT IN OUR MINDS AND HERE WE ALL ARE................HELPING EACH OTHER...........

I AM GLAD KAGAN IS LEAVING YOU ALL KINDS OF SIGNS...........I HAVE NOT HAD ANY FROM JAMES FOR MONTHS NOW......AND ONLY ONE DREAM................I WOULD FEEL MUCH BETTER IF DID HAVE SIGNS AND DREAMS.....I KNOW HE IS WITH US BUT JUST NOT ABLE TO FIGURE OUT.............WHERE......ETC...SO MUCH TO DO ON THE OTHER SIDE AND LEARN...

WE GOT OUR STICKERS FOR THE CARS..BUT NOT SURE HOW TO STICK THEM ON....GOTTA BE A TRICK TO THEM..TO KEEP THEM ALL IN LINE..?!

YOU TAKE GOOD CARE AND WE ALL NEED TO STAY IN CONTACT ESPECIALLY DURING THE HOLIDAYS..........I WILL BE THINKING OF ALL OF YOU ON THANKSGIVING AND PRAYING GOD WILL COMFORT ALL .......WHO ARE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THEIR PRECIOUS LOVED ONES.........

MESSENGER

[rodless]

There's a new angel in heaven. Her name is Stacey and she's running and dancing because on earth she spent all of her time in a wheelchair or bed. She's the 39 yr. old daughter of good friends who was born with spina bifida. She was very special to my family.... my kids' favorite babysitter. She lived her last 10 years in a nursing home but always kept a smile on her face and God in her heart. Please say a prayer and thank God for her new life. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Laura, I don't know what to say except I understand how you feel. I stood at Rod's grave once looking at the sky and yelling "I don't want you up there, I want you down here!!!!" pointing and crying and stamping my foot...made a lot of noise so luckily no one else was around although at that time I don't think I would have cared. In my journal over and over in big writing is I WANT YOU BACK. It's getting better for me and I hope it will for you sometime too. Hang in there and do the best you can. MJ

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mary Jo, I'm sorry Stacey passed on over to the beautiful place, but then she's the lucky one, she gets to dance on her legs and can eat whatever without having to worry about dieting or cholesterol or blood pressure. oh, envy. I was born with two illness, the one that put me in the wheelchair, and the same one Stacey has. Both are tough. I have such compassionate feelings for her family going through so much with her care. we're praying. luvs, Me

[lauraa]

MJ, I will keep your friend in my prayers. No more suffering for her, now.

Thank you for your support. I guess the anger comes in waves as we can handle it. The holidays seem to trigger alot of it. It is all so much work and seems constant which is exhausting. One day at a time or shall I say one minute at a time.

Bless you.

[starchild]

Good Morning, As always first I have to give honor to my highest power who has definitely been better to me than I've been to myself. I keep that up front because no matter what, I am grateful that he counts me as one of his own.

Mark: Hey baby! What's up? You humble me with your positive reinforcement. I'm just trying to do the next right thing. When Stanley died, my core was breeched(think Starship Enterprise) The shock waves shut everything down and only the essential systems were operational. Surely but slowly I have to test each system before I put it back on line. I'm not quite ready to resume my mission, but I am almost functional again.(smile)So how is your family doing? I pray that Mary is at her best under the circumstances and that you are taking care of yourself like you should. I wish you all a loving holiday.

Laura: Girl...I feel you. It just doesn't seem right that they're not around to share in all this love that they created. This is the first real family holiday since he died and I'm having a hard time motivating myself. But it is what it is. And there's still his and my birthday, Christmas, New Years, and his death day to get through......damn I miss him. Anyway, Happy Thansksgiving to you and yours from me and mine. Remember you're still blessed.

Mary Jo: My prayers also for Stacey to rest in peace. She won her race and claimed her prize. I hope you have a peace filled holiday and I'm sorry for your loss.

Renee, Christy and the rest of my BI partners: Praying for safe holiday for you and your families. Please take care. Till then,luv ya

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Starchild; oooo, I love that program! how did you know it was of the few I love so much, kiddo? I'm happy reading the good news about you doing better. Slowly, steadily, this does improve. In our little home in the 'burbs, I'd like to say all is happy and healthy, but my wife keeps on her slow ride to a place I'm not allowed to follow. We had a doctor appointment today, one very disturbing. I don't pretend to understand what is happening anymore. For the moment, please keep on taking such good care of yourself. It seems to be helping you. I always keep a prayer for you and yours. For now, I'm going to try getting some sleep while the overnight aide is here, so I'll say, good night. Have a great day ahead. luvs, hugs, Me

[rodless]

Thanks for the responses about my friend Stacey. She is definitely in a better place. I wish all of you a nice Thanksgiving. Enjoy the parts of it that you can and try to deal with the rest. That's my plan! Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

MaryJo, I find what you said about Stacey a genuinely comforting thing to say. When you can say that about her, that she is in a better place than here on earth and inside her own body, it says quite a lot about the heavenly place she's enjoying. For me personally, I sometimes have to step back away from my own feelings as I come to BI, because I know there are times when I'll encounter things here that bring up memories. My daughter Jennifer was adopted at birth by a family who arranged to rename her Stacey Renee. Some people remember my struggle with that issue, because legally to them she's Stacey, but to dear old dad, she's always my Jennifer. Now you can see how the screen name stuck. I do hope you get to enjoy the US version of Thanksgiving (I'm Canadian but I celebrate both - I get to eat more turkey that way).

May God bless each of you here. luv y'all, Mark

[lauraa]

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. I hope the lord blesses each and everyone of you and your families with many blessings. Your all in my thoughts this holiday and always. Pull everyone together and ask them all to help to "git er done".

[alwaysmyjennifer]

may the venerable day of saint turkey of rotisserie be filled with with juicy blessings for all. luv yas, Mark

[kagansmommy]

"Happy Thanksgiving" to everyone.

[aprilsmom]

May all of you be engulfed in HIS peace today. I'm thinking about all of you!

[lauraa]

Hi Everybody:

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. Mine was quiet with my three kids. I was organized and had much of the food prepared and ready to go the day before. Then I sat out in the pouring rain on turkey day to watch my sons football game. All in all it went well. I can usually get thru things but it seems to hit me afterwards...I think when I finally get time alone and the kids aren't around. I am trying to simplify things and plan ahead so that things are less haotic during the holidays...and, oh ya....I try to watch alot of movies to keep myself occupied.

Hope you are all well and doing good.

Lots of love.