I Believe in God...

[lauraa]

Mark,

That is so awesome and I am happy, happy for you and your kids.....Mary is happy for you, too....even if she can't express it....I hope you have an absolute blast.....enjoy every single moment....when are you going? You deserve a break, some fun and something to soothe your aching heart.

Remember, your Jenni is with you always......and you can ache and cry all you freakin' want for as long as you want and need to.....maybe ever forever!...and, it O.K........O.K. Bless you and all of your family my friend.

Guess what....I bought a new truck today......I am totally stress out but I needed to do it......it will take me a few days to settle down.....anything to do with alot of money scares me and gets me all nerved up....it is o.k. but just stressful. I think also that it is something that my boys are getting a bang out of and it helpful in pulling us together....I hope that makes sense.

Bless you all and sleep. I use to work the nite shift and I know how that can really screw up our balance but you should try and turn that around the best you can even if it takes some sleep aides to do it......it will get you whole again.....well, that is my speech for the night....talk tomorrow>>>>nitey.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, yes, she is. Always, forever, with her dad. We're two peas in a pod. She had a 1986 Camaro that her adoptive dad helped her build from the ground up, and that pig would fly. If your Type A can handle it, buy the boys an old car like that, and then get dirty and greasy helping them work on it. The keys to her car are on the ring with my Vette keys, right above my desk. My vacation is the week of the 16th. I'm starting out by spending Jenni's birthday with her half sis, and then going to see my grandson. Please be sure to rest. Don't worry about your new truck jitters. They'll subside. But those 60 easy monthly headaches are another story. Spoil yourself with something to make you feel good about being Laura. Laura is a very special person to be. talk with ya soon, Me

[starchild]

Hi everyone: First as always I'd have to give praises to my highest power for another chance to get this thing right. It's hard to believe that it's been 9 months since Stanley went to be with the Lord. I still miss him so much and I always will. He was priceless. We have a new relationship now and he doesn't argue back. But he does let me know in his own way how he feels about things.(smile)Was sharing Sunday about the events of the past year and how I didn't know why I hadn't picked up. It had to be the power of prayer. I spoke to God not only with my lips but with my heart. My soul was at stake. I really didn't know how I got past my husbands death, the fire, the legal issues with my mother, etc. Every situation seemed determined to make me act out, which has always gotten me in worse trouble.(See: The Mark Commandment) Well the angels must have been working overtime cause I think his peace is finding me.

Kristy: A Happy belated birthday and many more. "Kagan forever"

Mark and Mary: Happy 20th anniversary. God bless you. I tried real hard not to envy you guys. God's plan for us is what it is.

Laura: You're right. No one can walk this walk for us, but they can walk it with us. So I put on some comfortable shoes and then you bought a truck. Alright

You are all in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that things are as well as they can be under the circumstances. I ask for his promises to manifest themselves in all your lives. Please continue to be good to yourselves, until then have a blessed one. Luv from me and mine to you and yours.

[lauraa]

Starchild,

You give me so much comfort when you post. I am so angry at god that I have a very difficult time even having a conversation with him...only to tell say how hurt I am that he took my husband so young and so awful.....I just try to trust and do the best I can, which is to always be kind and giving (gets me into trouble sometimes) because then some folks feel they can take advantage but I am getting thicker skinned....going ahead this way I hope god is still with me. I am not able to go to church but feel my faith and prayers are within me.....I hope that is understandable.

It seems everywhere I go these days a monarch butterfly always seems to find me and just flies over me....as if it has come specificly for me...in my yard, at the football game and a couple other places.....what do you all think of that?

Mark,

I am so so glad you are going away for a break on the 16th....I'll bet everyone is so excited.....I hope your Mary is doing o.k. and pain free. How is she? How is your health? I am sure when you look at Jenni's keys along with your that it takes you to another place in your mind.....I am quite sure that is a pain you will never get over as it was so cruel.....I am so sorry that she had to go thru that and you and everyone else in her life.....I am told that you leave your body and don't remember or feel anything before you pass from a trauma like that......I am sure you hold it so close to your heart and can only imagine the grief of it all for you.....I know that nauseating pain that you must feel......no more pain or heartache for her, only heavenly bliss....and, don't forget she is with you (always) and you will see her again someday.

I find this grieving so hard because, everyone leaves us, no-one knows what to say or they say dumb stuff.....or, they just act like nothing happened or they want to give their unsolicited advice on grieving to you when they have no freakin' clue what we are going thru......how can this not be lonely? I just try and keep it all to myself and work with my therpist. I know this will always be with me in the deepest way and will never get over it.....Someone told me the other night not to wallow in my grief, it's not good.....p*ssed me off....but, it was another a lesson for me again...have to pull my armour alittle tighter again....got a letter from my husbands cousin last week who is a nun......have been crying alot since then......my cousin sent me a picture of my dear dad yesterday and I have been crying since then......I just miss them so much.

My son is on the mend...thank you all for your prayers....I am starting to have panic attacks especially thru the night...does anybody have any suggestions for those.....seems I wake up every nite with one.....

Thank you all for listening and being my friend.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, when we reach a spiritual plane of praying in the spirit, things happen. It's like the floor drops out of the church and God suspends us in air with Him. So cool. We are here for you, always, no matter what. I learned that these are the most caring people in the world, and sincere. The road is painful and long, but this pain does lessen with time. The memories are always there, but the worst of it subsides a little. I always pray for you. Please take good care of you. Cast your cares on Him; He cares for you. Thanks for being you, full of faith and hope. You're an inspiration and blessing to me. Til next time, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thanks for your sweet thoughts about Jenni. I really hope she didn'........ I hate this. I just wanted to meet her, to see her face. She's so pretty, so much like her mom. I'm glad I'll be with her sister on her birthday. Brenda had two girls (that we know of), so we get together In CT, then go to the cemetery. I'm sorry, my dear friend. What happened in PA has me reliving Jenni's death so badly. It opened up the wounds for some reason. I know what those parents are feeling. The Amish grieve privately, but they do have a great support system. In a way, I think it's better than the 21st century. I'm sorry someone shrugged your sorrow off like that. This is your grief, and only you can feel it. You'll feel it for as long as it takes YOUR heart to heal. This is called love. It's so beautiful. Panic is always set off by a "triggering" mechanism, a feeling or other emotional obstacle that makes us go into a hyper drive of defence or activity, but usually something you'll perceive as threatening to your emotional stability. The best thing to do when you're beginning to panic is to talk to someone. Talk about the issue, and then get your head out of the moment, and talk about other things relevant to your true emotional state. Laura, I know you to be a deeply caring person, maybe a little less of a worrier than me, but there can be some things stepping on your toes (per se). These bring on the panic. I'm always here to help, and you're welcome to ring me anytime of day or night. For a friend, especially one who has helped me so very much, I'll do what I can to help you.

Rest. I'm always praying for you.

Me

[starchild]

Hi Laura, We were created to make his praise glorious. I appreciated the compliment and I luv you too.(in case no one told you today) But I'm only a humble messenger. God knows how much we loved our fellas and what they meant to us. He gave them to us. And of course he knew how much their leaving would affect us. But their jobs here were finished and ours aren't. I know that's a hard concept to grasp on to when your not trying to feel it. We are at spiritual warfare. And we are soldiers. You have suffered deep losses like me and each time some one passes, I feel weaker for the fight and I never understand how I get the strength to go on. But with faith, I just do. I want to be angry, believe me. But anger just eats at your spirit and gives the enemy a foothold. And at this point it's a waste a good energy. And he's going to let you keep going thru this torment until you let go and let him. I would never suggest to tell you how you should grieve for your husband, but as your partner on this journey I have to arm you with the ammunition you need to win your battle. Never feel bad about being a good person. Everytime you see that butterfly, remember, you're blessed.

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

My Katie will be 14 on the 13th I can't believe that it'll be her 2nd birthday without her mom. She's changing sooo quickly. She wanted to dye her hair black! I remember her mom doing it! We compromised and I let her do one of those washes out in 8-10 washes. I told her it'd look awful..but this child who is naturally dk ash blond looks great with her hair almost black...And I'm cool cuz I let her..I've decided not to sweat the small stuff and hair is certainly the small stuff right???? She's trying to find her own way.. She looks so much like her mom... Erinn had her black period..coal black hair..black combat boots..black everything..my mother was so angry when she showed up at my nursing graduation dressed like that...but she was easy to pick out in the crowd...I'd give anything to have her back here today.. 14 months and it's not getting any easier..the tears are so close to the surface..I miss her so damn much..She's supposed to be here..I don't know if I'm up to this...Erinn was supposed to help raise this child..she was only 18 years older than her daughter.. Much cooler than me.. .... I will be taking three teenagers to the mall...shopping on the 14th for her birthday...and we get her nose ring changed on the 13th...my how things have changed..way out of my comfort zone....Her biological father or sperm donor as we call him..hasn't seen Katie since before Christmas and he lives 5 minutes...yes that's right 5 minutes a way...And do you know what he said when Katie called a couple of weeks a go? He called back and said he has a hard time expressing his feelings and the more time that went by the easier it was for him not to call her. and maybe they could get together for supper..and maybe she could live with him... And Katie is so tender hearted she was feeling sorry for David and she wanted to believe whate he was saying and maybe it was true. I can forgive a lot of things..but hurting this child..just drives me crazy...

Hellloooo nothing since..no suppper no contact...nothing..Can we say loser?.. I try to avoid talking to him because he's her biological father and he hasn't signed guardianship papers and I have no legal rights to Katie.. I'd give anything to have my child back and he's basically throwing his child away. Katie does know that she is loved ..she's always known that she has been loved by me, her mom, her grandfather, her paternal grandmother..but I worry about her...What does it do to a child to be rejected by the one person who is supposed to love you? your dad. her step-dad is no better actually he's worse..So your prayers would be greatly appreciated for this special child... Sorry that I've rambled and vented so long..don't like to talk about stuff like this around Katie..

Hugs and prayers

Always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

Hey Mark,

I like you am so overwhelmed for the families in PA.....everytime, I hear of anything like this I am deeply touched.....Christopher Reeve and his wife, soldiers, CT's night club fire and all the victims, etc....I think when we have been thru such a deep loss ourselves we can so relate to it all.....and, how dare anyone tell me "not to wallow in my grief". I will take as long as I need. And, I know anger is a part of it, especially with what I am dealing with. Thank you for your support and counseling. I actually have an appt. today with my therapist and my son has his and then on Monday we start back with our family counseling....my 16 and 14 y.o. are arguing about going but they have no choice here. Given all we have been thru I think we are all doing really good handling the magnitude of what we have been thru....that is not to discount at all what anyother people who has suffered a loss goes thru....We are all different and we all go at our own pace and in our own way given all the circumstances....let's not forget the stages of grieving.....it's is sort of like raising kids where there is no instruction manual on how to raise them....sometimes, this grieving we go thru many of the stages all at once and it is like the weight of the world is on our shoulders.....I know you and everyone else here understands that....Oh, if we could just let it all go like everyone "out there" thinks we should or thinks that we have.....Mark, your Jenni....just picture her beautiful face as I know you do...I think she is absolutely without a doubt, "an angel". I am so excited for you to go on a break for Mark, to fill your soul. Hope you have a great day and enjoy this gorgeous day.

[lauraa]

Erinnzmom,

You are a wonderful person and so loving....sounds to me like you have two deadbeats on your hands. Just ignore them and I doubt if they will come after Katie.....where the hell have they been, anyway? Erin would be so proud of you for the tremendous job you are doing with Katie....she is watching and smiling! I am sure you are out of your comfort zone...sometimes, I feel that way with my own kids....my oldest son wants to get a tattoo which I disapproved of but then he said he wanted a cross with his dads initials over it.....well then......that sheds a whole new light on things....now his brother wants the same thing.....I told him he would have to pay for it because it would mean even that much more to him....I think you should keep writing to us here so we can support you in raising Ms. Katie and it would be our pleasure....Hey, black hair today, red tomorrow....who cares as long as they are healthy and happy....As far as thinking a parent doesn't love you....well....it makes you stronger.....have a beautiful day!

[lauraa]

Starchild,

Thank you for telling me that! Believe me I am a warrier and I am here for a purpose and my husbands passing as prepared me for the work that I "need" to do.....I don't think my husbands work was done, though! That is the hard part and that is where the anger comes in....believe you me...I know that anywhere there is an opening for evil that satan will creep in but I have deep roots and I am strong and just about as tough as they come....I have also had many great traumatic losses in my life and each time I wonder how will I survive but then you ask yourself, what is my alternative? My kids need their mom now more then ever and I was always a hands on mom....I can see them all flowering each and everyday and they are all great individuals and are giving so much back to this world....it isn't perfect here and gets messy but death and dying and they entire process is messy so we have to expect that.....I am not a fighter but I am in a position where I need to do alot of that (unfortunately) but it is the right thing to do.....I know the lord is with me....he has been from the start....I just have to be honest as I always am....I am just p*ssed.....I have to go thru it.

Have a wonderful day and we will talk soon....Luv's U 2...

I am sorry for your loss and I know you struggle daily as we all do here. Peace.

[erinnzmom]

Lauraa,

Thanks for your words of encouragement..will keep in touch, so much going on...need all the prayers you can send..spent the day with my mom...she's so depressed..she's talking like she'd rather be dead than live the way she is now..she had surgery that didn't correct her health probelm..is newly diagnosed with Parkinson's... She's really unsteady on her feet.. She doesn't like feeling like an old woman...and my dad's Alzheimer's isn't getting any better of course.... and he was in the hospital over the weekend after he had fallen at the nursing home c/o pain in his abdomen.they couldn't find anything wrong..he couldn't walk and was in a lot of pain....but we saw him today and he was up walking around so...status qou there..I told mom she had to hang in there if I had to she had to... So enough rambling I think my ambien is kicking in..have to be up @ 0145 for work. Will close for now.

Love to all.

Hugs and prayers.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

erinnz, hey there. Teenagers have to go through their inner growth and social experimentations. In a way, black is the beginning of coming to terms with their mortality. Katie is waking up to an idea which most of us happened long ago, but can be deeply disturbing. As we age, we don't want to maintain our "terms" with our mortality. So, let her enjoy the nose ring, the black hair, but stop the bus when she utters the word ... tatoo. They're permanent. If she ever gets a tat, just advise her against a boyfriend's name. Relationships can come to abrupt ends, but a tat is forever. You're doing a beautiful job of being mom to your granddaughter. You're also very wise in your approach to her father. I like your description of him as a sperm donor. I can't understand men like this. I spent five years and (don't ask how many) tons of money searching for my daughter. I'd do it again, and as many times as I must, so my children can know who I am, and what I'm about. I hope you have a restful and pleasant weekend. Take gentle care of yourself. I'm praying for you, that you have what you need. til then, hugs from a friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thank you for talking about Jenni in your dear, kind way. I wish she were still here. What you wrote made my tears pour down my face, and please do not apologize. I'm glad you wrote it. For your children, let them fuss, but never kick. You love them more than your own life, and sacrifice of yourself just for them. And you even do their laundry, which isn't any fun after a game. Yes, let them fuss and express themselves and their feelings about going to counseling, but remain set in the decision that they're going. In the end, they will be thankful for their loving, dear mom, for sacrificing and doing this for them. I'll be happy to see next week. We won't have all the media panic and hype over what happened to those little girls. I'm shaking from my emotional mess thinking of them, and what happened to Jenni. I hope you're Type A and you have a terrific weekend. Don't overdo the chores and projects, but instead give that extra time to your children. I keep a kind thought and many prayers for you. til tomorrow, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I hope all is well with everyone. Laura, you have so many things keeping you busy, and now the fact that winter approaches is added. In a fon call over the weekend with my friend back home, he told me they're supposed to get snow this week. I love it up there! Of course, driving a fifty five ton transport on a frozen lake was a bunch of fun too (I loved my job). Starchild, may you have peace and rest. I pray your workload is within human limits. You've been working a lot lately. Be sure to take a minute for yourself in there somewhere. Laurie, life with a teenager is so much fun. Fussing over appearance, jewelry, clothing, etc. May all be well with you. Christy, take care of yourself, and please get the rest you need. I hope you're staying healthy. What are your plans for the froggie pond this fall? Any decorations?

Take care and keep well. I'm praying for you all. luvz, Moi

[kagansmommy]

Hey Mark~!! We are going to put a heater in the pond and keep it running all winter. We had a bunch of frogs die last winter because it froze solid. We also only had 4 goldfish last year that we brought inside for the winter and this year we have about 50 babies that are like 2 inches long. So we are going to buy a heater. We are going to decorate his garden for christmas. Theres a sidewalk along one side of it and a path thru the flowers that goes all the way around the pond. So we are kind of excited about that. I don't think I can have a christmas tree this year either. I feel like Kagan was cheated out of life and we have no right to celebrate without him. I had thanksgiving dinner here last year and we put a picture of Kagan on the table and lit a candle for him. But christmas is a tough one for me. I don't look forward to doing anything but decorating Kagans garden for him. Maybe one day I will enjoy life again but not right now nor anytime soon.

Thanks for thinking about us. Tell Mary I am praying for her and the rest of your family.

Luv and prayers to you all~!!

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

A heated frog pond! Now this is a new one on me. Kagan is going to love watching his froggies all winter. thank you for praying. We do need a little here and there. I can imagine how pretty his garden will look for the holidays. You have such amazing taste in this. I'm going to sleep today. She was hurting a lot last night. Hopefully, today will be better. talk soon, luvz, me

[starchild]

What's Up All; First as usual, I'd like to give thanks to my higher power for another day underway. And to thank him for my blessings. Even the ones I don't know about. I'm working really hard to get past that moment in time when my heart stopped beating 10 months ago. I'm an expressive person, and there are alot of feelings that I'd repressed, because I had no one to express them to. You know the intimate ones. And that rubbed against my grain. That's one of the reasons I am indebted to this site. I'm still so vunerable. But because the numbness is wearing off, I'm feel ready to live again and maybe even love again. Who knows? Then one part of me feels guilty for feeling this way, another part is angry that I'm in this situation, another part is grateful for the healing that has taken place, considering how fragile I was after Stanley passed. I just hope I'm somewhere near where God wants me to be. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I don't want to be tested like this again. I've been doing alot of soul searching lately, which is much harder to do without my soulmate. But as much as I'd like to complain, I keep in mind it could always be worse.

Mark: Thank you for your understanding. You're right, I have been putting in some long days lately. Do you know anything about accounting?(smile) The 3 day weekend was definitley a BLESSING! And yes I did spoil myself a little. My luv as always to you and your family. I hope this posting finds you doing what your're supposed to be doing. Don't think I'm not concerned about you too.

Please everyone, continue to be good to yourselves one day at a time. You are always in my prayers. I believe that there is strength in our numbers. Till this time next time, luv ya.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, personal issues can result in heartache when we grieve, beacause it's difficult enough for us to be able to talk with people. Most people seem to be unwilling to sit and listen to us (the same old stories). We also reach a place where we want to start over, to love again. This is okay, a good thing. I pray the Lord gives you someone gentle and caring, who will love you and nurture you. But, this is a process. It takes time for the heart to go from the place of thinking we're ready to start again to actually be ready and start. Take your time about this, and be patient with the most important person involved - you. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you in your journey. May you have the happiness you deserve always. Til next time, Mark

[lauraa]

Hey Everyone.....I sat down yesterday and wrote you all a long one but it never posted...ticked me off! Oh well, wasn't meant be.

Starchild....you can tell me anything you need to so that you feel better. I know all these feelings you speak of....I hate them all! I am tired of people telling what they think when they have no clue what I am going thru....I just stay with my "tunnel vision". You sound so good today and I hope that keeps up for you. I think in the beginning we are numb and that is our psyches protecting us as it is all to much to handle at the time....I find that when I am busy with serious business it keeps me from my grieving and then when I get thru that and I have more time, the grieving kicks in and then I go deeper and deeper. Right now, feel my soul is empty.....I try really hard but I just feel like I lost a piece of myself when my husband "passed"....I know he is with me in spirit but I just miss him so terribly bad.....I wake up many times thru the night with panic attacks still....I don't have a magic formula to get thru this....only one day at a time and sometimes a minute at a time. Staying alone isn't always the best thing but it seems if I subject myself to others for lengthy times I am always subjected to their opinions....which is always uncolicited and always upsets me......Please feel free to always vent your feelings here so that I can help in anyway possible....you are not alone here, my friend......Your doing great!

Christy....I am going to come and swim in that heated pond...sounds beautiful and I know you are putting alot of time and love into that sacred place for your baby Kagan........I know he loves it, too. You are in my thoughts alot.

Mark......I am glad to hear you say you are going to sleep today and I hope an angel came to you...Are you still going on your trip on the 16th? I hope it works out cause it will be really good for you....especially, your spirit! Don't feel guilty....just make sure Mary is in good hands and everything will be o.k. Go while you can do some leaf peeping! I think of you guys everyday amd hope your all doing as well as can be expected.

Today I went to court with my son for the kid who sucker punched him in the face in May....they allowed us to leave and they didn't think they would be needing us anymore...the ADA said, the kid will probally end up going to the house of corrections (apparently he had a record). My son is on the mend...slow but sure and he is getting his anxiety under control.

My other son just lost the keys to the car as he is letting his grades fall...he's done!

Me, well......one day at a time...I am tired...people think I should be over "it" by now as it has been 28 months......it just doesn't work that way....they think if I meet someone else then I will be happy....Oy Vey!

God bless you all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, you're an amazing mom, and a great person. While you aren't into a fight, your children always come first... be proud of how well you stand up and protect them. Boys do such stupid things, eh? No, I don't mean your son, but these crazy things happen. John Wayne once said in a movie, "spring comes to the bush belt and the young bucks start butting their heads together". Don't let what people try to tell you about your sorrow and way of grieving bother you. Just do your own thing (am I a hippie or what, saying such things?). Take good care of yourself, and spoil Laura some. You're worth it. Hope you find those keys. Jenni was always losing hers, and had to get one of those remote beepers. The things I'm learning about her! I'll be here this weekend, but Monday I'll be with her sister. We're going to Brenda's (their mom's) grave in Brooklyn. I'll write in Special Dates in the Loss of Adult Child on Monday. Hope ya get a chance to read it. She means the world to me. Crying now, so gotta say good night. take care, my friend. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

To Jennifer, born October 16, 1974. Happy birthday, my little angel. I miss you with all my heart. Always your dad, always your friend, you're always my Jennifer. I love you, dad.

[erinnzmom]

Happy Birthday Jenni,

Erinn,

Will you give Jenni a big Hug from her dad? He's really missing her today? and Jenni will you give my Erinn a Hug for me? She would have been 32 years old this year, too.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

Mark...You are so right.....Jenni is an angel! I have been thinking of you all day and you are in my prayers. She is always yours and always with you. I just know she is surrounded by many, many angels. Peace to you today my friend and always.

[Guest Guest]

AS WE NEAR THE CULMINATION OF END TIMES, WE HAVE BEEN ORDAINED BY CHRIST TO DELIVER THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE OF TRUTH TO MANKIND

For more information about this message and our ministry, you may find the following sites helpful

HTTP://WWW.CHOSEN.MOONFRUIT.COM

http://knowyahweh.proboards61.com/index.cgi

HTTP://WWW.LIGHTOFLIFEMINISTRY.COM

Our Ministry has only one message to share and it is for those who wish to have eternal life. In order to enter His coming Kingdom, you must declare Jesus Christ to be Lord and Savior. We realize that many will challenge our faith and the faith of others who also declare Jesus to be Lord. They will say that we must meet certain requirements of water baptism, a belief in the Trinity and other man-made religious ideals. If those people are of some positive energy, they will see the Light. If not, they will remain opposed to what is ministered to them. That is their Free Will choice. Even if they claim to be foot-step followers of Christ, they will be deemed not worthy of Salvation unless they exhibit the Holy Spirit from within them. If they believe falsehoods about Christ, cling to their man-made religious belief systems and exhibit no signs of positive energy, they will be marked accordingly by the Cherubic Order of Angels. All people are judged by what is really in their hearts. As part of our Ministry to those that oppose the Truth, we point out that a humble heart is the only thing that saves anyone. Without it, you are endowed with negative energy. What your heart is filled with is what springs forth with abundance from the mouth. Luke 6:45 is clear on this point:

A good man produces good out of the good storeroom of his heart. An evil man produces evil out of the evil storeroom, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.

Proverbs 4:23 is clear on the need to safeguard your heart against the wickedness of negative energy being stored there:

"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life."

By knowing and understanding the Truth of the Word, you treasure up within your hearts that of positive energy. That's what guides you (the Holy Spirit - Positive energy) so that you do not sin knowingly against Christ or his Father.

"I have treasured Your word in my heart so that I may not sin against You." Psalms 119:11.

The problem with sin is that it cultivates negative energy. From the mind where it begins or originates, it creeps down into your heart. Then you're in trouble. That's why it's not a sin to think a bad thought, if you dismiss it. You did not act on it. Therefore, it is not a sin. But if you dwell on the wrong thought, it will creep on down into your heart and become a part of you. So, above all else, safeguard your hearts.

WHAT ABOUT WATER BAPTISM?

It is NOT necessary to be baptized in water to be saved. Jesus Christ was the forerunner. In Christ's Ministry, baptism in water was used to anoint him by his Father. It was continued by his disciples, because he had not yet ascended to Heaven, and had not yet received the Kingdom Authority that would later be bestowed upon him by his Father Yahweh. Once that had been fully accomplished, the Light of Truth became the baptism via the Light of Christ. The Savior's instructions given at Matthew 28:19-20, you see the baptism it speaks of is a baptism of Holy Spirit.

"Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

his takes place when one truly comes to understand the Father of Jesus Christ and accept Him as Truth. Water is no longer necessary to be sanctified. The purpose of baptism before Christ was to symbolize the shedding of one's former ways of sinful conduct. That was sanctification. Now, the baptism of sanctification is done as mentioned above. The Holy Ghost transformation is performed through the Light of Christ.

WILL YOU BE DAMNED IF NOT BAPTISED IN WATER?

No. Children pass over without water baptism. Some die at birth or are aborted. The children have special status with the Creator. They are not damned and neither are adults that are not water baptized. What would happen if you were shipwrecked for the remainder of you life? How could God justify not giving you a chance to learn His Sovereign Will at transition? The only requirement for Christs salvation is that of a humble heart. Once you are with Christ, he knows your humble heart will accept him. When you passed through his Light, you were then baptized as a Holy Ghost. The water baptism would be nil in Christ's eyes. It is the HEART that Saves. Nothing else can get you into the Kingdom unless your heart is of Positive energy. Yahweh Himself reveals this at Jeremiah 17:10.

"I, the LORD, examine the mind, I test the heart to give to each according to his way, according to what his actions deserve."

If the heart were not the thing of importance, He would not search it. It is not the outward appearance that Saves, but what is hidden deep within the heart.

ALL POSITIVE ENERGY PEOPLE ARE ACCEPTABLE

People of all nationalities, regardless of race, color or religion are open to the Salvation of Christ.

"Then I saw another angel flying in mid-heaven, having the eternal gospel to announce to the inhabitants of the earthto every nation, tribe, language, and people." Revelation 14:6.

Hear this, all you peoples; listen, all who inhabit the world, both low and high, rich and poor together. Psalms 49:1-2.

"Then Peter began to speak: In truth, I understand that God doesn't show favoritism, but in every nation the person who fears Him and does righteousness is acceptable to Him." Acts 10:34-35.

REMEMBER - IT'S A FREE WILL CHOICE

Everyone has Free Will Choice in the decision and are able to choose one way or the other. That's why we will not try to force the Truth on to anyone.

"I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live, love the LORD your God, obey Him, and remain faithful to Him. For He is your life, and He will prolong your life in the land the LORD swore to give to your fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." Deuteronomy 30:19-20

"But if it doesn't please you to worship the LORD, choose for yourselves today the one you will worship: the gods your fathers worshiped beyond the Euphrates River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. As for me and my family, we will worship the LORD." Joshua 24:15

"If you carefully obey My commands I am giving you today, to love the LORD your God and worship Him with all your heart and all your soul, I will provide rain for your land in season, the early and late rains, and you will harvest your grain, new wine, and oil. I will provide grass in your fields for your livestock. You will eat and be satisfied. Be careful that you are not enticed to turn aside, worship, and bow down to other gods. Then the LORD's anger will burn against you. He will close the sky, and there will be no rain; the land will not yield its produce, and you will perish quickly from the good land the LORD is giving you." Deuteronomy 11:13-17

"This is how we are sure that we have come to know Him: by keeping His commands." 1 John 2:3

SALVATION - KINGDOM MESSAGE COMPLETED

Now, either you will accept or reject the Truth we have ministered to you. Since everyone should come to understand that actions result in consequences, we deliver the following warning. If you decide to refuse the truth, then you will know what is ahead--even if you reject that also, at this time. Later on, you will see our words come to life. If you accept the Truth now but are later tempted to cultivate a negative energy within your heart, then the warning we share might help to prevent that from happening.

YAHWEH'S BITTER-SWEET WARNING TO ALL PEOPLE OF THE EARTH

He that exercises faith in the Son has everlasting life. He that disobeys the Son will not see life. The Wrath of God remains upon him.

"The one who believes in the Son has eternal life, but the one who refuses to believe in the Son will not see life; instead, the wrath of God remains on him." John 3:36

Once you have been given the Message of Truth, if you do not obey it you are exercising your Free Will choice. However, it will result in eternal death at the Judgment. Just as Satan and his angels cannot have free reign in creation - neither will it be permitted of those that exercise that choice. Your fate is upon your own head.

"Therefore I testify to you this day that I am innocent of everyone's blood, for I did not shrink back from declaring to you the whole plan of God."

Acts 20:26-27

The above scripture reveals we will be clean from the blood of those who make the wrong choice. If you are so cultivated with negative energy that you hear and know that what we speak is Truth and you continue to sin willfully by rejecting that Truth, then you will lose the Sacrificial Hope of Salvation. Time will eventually run out. Armageddon is the final Judgment Chapter.

"For if we deliberately sin after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins" Hebrews 10:26

"to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of our God's vengeance..." Isaiah 61:2

"The tumult reaches to the ends of the earth because the LORD brings a case against the nations. He enters into judgment with all flesh. As for the wicked, He hands them over to the sword [This is] the LORD's declaration." Jeremiah 25:31

"I tell you that on the day of judgment people will have to account for every careless word they speak." Matthew 12:36

"When I say to the wicked, 'O wicked man, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood." Ezekiel 33:8

WHO WE MINISTER TO AND SANCTIFICATON OF THE CREATOR'S NAME

This GOOD NEWS of the Kingdom will be preached in all the inhabited earth and bear witness to all the nations. The nations will be made to know Yahweh. His Name must be sanctified before the nations.

"I will honor the holiness of My great name, which has been profaned among the nationsthe name you have profaned among them. The nations will know that I am Yahweh "the declaration of the Lord GOD" when I demonstrate My holiness through you in their sight." Ezekiel 36:23

"So I will make My holy name known among My people Israel and will no longer allow it to be profaned. Then the nations will know that I am the LORD, the Holy One in Israel." Ezekiel 39:7

ARE THERE ANY FREE RIDES TO ETERNAL LIFE?

Anyone that believes they can get a free ride through eternity without going through Christ, please read:

"There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to people by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12

Once you have received the Truth, you are under obligation by the Creator.

"Wisdom is supreme so get wisdom. And whatever else you get, get understanding." Proverbs 4:7

Your Sisters in Christ,

The Ministers of the Light of Life Ministry

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey kids, I'm home! It's been a long ride, but more fun and happiness than I can say. It's soooooooooo cool to be with my grandson! The surg went well. He's already responding to it as we were praying. Doctor is very happy.

Laura, are you doing well? I missed being able to get in here to talk with you, my friend. You've been through so much of this journey with me, it felt strange to not write to you. You're a good friend. How are your children? I'm always praying for them, and for you.

Laurie, what we lose is in a way always in our hearts. I miss Jenni, but she's always with me.

Starchild, hope you're doing well with the work and the choices and the children. I've found that even talking about these things has to include my children. They tend to feel a sense of abandonment if I don't. I'm praying for you, always.

Thanks for praying for my holiday. It's been great, but I do love being home. (I'm holding one of my guitars while I write this). write soon kids. hugs & luvs, Mark

[lauraa]

MArk......Tap your feet and repeat after me...There is no place like home......Boy, have I missed seeing you on this site and talking with you...it just hasn't been the same as you can see. I think everyone was waiting till you got home to post again. I think we all went away with you. I am so glad things went well and I hope everthing with Mary is going o.k.

My kids are doing well. My daughter is on the JV Fieldhockey team and is their starting goalie and they are undefeated, my 17 y.o. is playing football and their team is really struggling this year but he is still have a blast...a real team leader. He was selected for his sportmanship to go to Gillette Stadium for a day with other selected kids and he is thrilled to get out of school. My oldest is doing much better as the medication is working well for him...he got a job to boot! I have been extremely anxious lately as things are heating up on my end. Plus, I just got the house painting thing done and now I need a new roof, ouch! Oh well.....

I am glad you got away and I hope you are feeling refreshed and rested. Your Jenni is with you always........so good to have you back here!

[kagansmommy]

Mark, I'm so glad to hear you are back home safe and sound. I hope you got a wonderful look into Jenni's life thru her sister's eyes. That had to be an amazing meeting. And I am sure the time you spent with your grandson was amazing too. I hope Mary did well while you were away. You had to miss her terribly. But this was a trip you needed for everyones benefit, not just yours.

I got to babysit my two grandkids saturday. Man are they rotten to the core. And no I did not have anything to do with the spoiling of them. You really believe that one don't ya?

I have been doing ok I guess. One day I'm up and then the next I'm down. I don't think I will ever get used to this. The time just keeps slipping away and the pain keeps growing deeper.

Dacey woke up a few nights ago crying for Kagan. It kind of freaked her mommy and daddy out a little bit. She was only 14 months old when he passed away but they had a connection that everyone noticed. She went to the grave yard with me last week and I ask her if she knew where Kagan was and she said yes and ran right to his grave. I think those two spend a lot more time together than anyone realizes.

Take care of yourself and give Mary my prayers. Welcome home~!!

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[erinnzmom]

Welcome back Mark,

As you can see we all waited for you to get back. We missed you...Guess who got ambushed into getting a new kitten? Who can say no? There were 4 kids all looking at me and before I knew it we had a new kitten. He had an eye infection he was the runt, he had fleas, they put him on antibiotics and eye ointments. He's gray and fluffy and cuddly and he purrs and snuggles when you pet him. The best news of all is that I also got to see my other granddaughter this weekend. Jordynne's cheering squad won the competition and we went out to celebrate with them. Got some good pics of Jordynne and Miss Kate. It did my heart good to see the two girls together. Will be picking Jordynne up after school tomorrow. They only have a half a day. I used to do this last year, every Wed. but after her birthday..haven't been able to see her...I emailed and called and then they invited me to the compettion. Soooo hope this will be the start of us connecting again.. been hearing Erinn saying Mom, I have two daughter's..the old guilt thing was alive and well...I did talk to the girlfriend and tell her that I wasn't comfortable going to their apartment..that it was too hard to go there and not see any sign of my daughter..I told Paige that I'm glad that Jordynne has her in her life..I truly believe that she loves my granddaughter..and I'm grateful for that..but it still is hard ...Thanks for listening. Goodnight All...

Hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[mamabets]

For All~ I found this today...

"LIFE IS THE JOURNEY, HEAVEN IS THE DESTINATION"

Imagine how much fun our angels are having together, completely removed from anything that could hurt their feelings, completely removed from anything that this life could and would do to them, for whatever reasons, we will never know, thank God??

For this, I do remain grateful, and while their is a gaping hole in my heart for my Danny that will never, ever heal, the part of my heart that still beats, and surrounds the hole is very much alive with a tremendous amout of love to share with life and all that is still in it. We find out on Halloween, Danny's 28th birthday, if Jackie is having a boy baby or a girl baby~ I love you all- I would miss you if you went away!! WELCOME HOME, dear Mark!! xoxmamabets

[lauraa]

Mamabets,

Thank you for that....it was exactly how I was feeling. Go to Loss of a Partner site and click on to I miss him and there is a new post there recently that says it all for me and I would for you and everyone here. Have a wonderful day and get some fresh air and sunshine.

Erinnzmom,

Last yeat a coyote got our family cat of ten years and soon after that a friend of mine found a stray and we took it in....She also gray and fuzzy with the sweetest personality...we all just love her and she is so grateful to have a home...she is a real hunter but at the same time very feminine....always eating so we know she went without for awhile....funny how things come to us.....she has been a real blessing. Our family doggie (a Boston Terrior)is in her twilight years (14) and the kids were getting concerned that she would die and I just told them we have to just, "love her up" and let her know how much we love her....they all are constantly holding her, kissing and loving her so dear......pets are so wonderful.....and I think when we are grieving they help to ground us, plus they don't say stupid things back to us thru our thoughest times.......have a great day.

Mark...Hopefully, you are sleeping and had a long nites sleep....I hope you are basking in all the love you got while on your trip.....I am sure grandchildren are the bomb!

Christy.....You can attest to grandchildren.....you can spoil them and then send them home, right? I hope you are doing good. I know the rollercoaster ride you are on....just know we are all here on it together and there is nothing you can't say or feel that will scare us away.....Kagan loves you!

[starchild]

What's Up Everyone? First as always, I have to give honor and praises to my highest power for another day underway. There's a song I'm listening to that says I gonna praise himself in spite of my darkest hours, praise him in spite of my fears. Praise him equivalant to the battles I win, praise him for my seasons. It's my inspiration these days.

I know it's been a minute since I last posted. After working basically the whole month of Sept, I took a couple of vacation days last week and made it about me. Did a bunch of meetings, held a hostage, did lunch with a old girlfriend, went to my grandparents gravesite, etc. Needless to say my attitude has been adjusted a bit and my perspective is a little more practical. I have to be able to trust my judgement again. I guess that's an assessment of the wreckage since my husbands death. I may be able to turn the page one day, but I'll never get over him. I will always see him in my mind's eye....feel him in my heart's beat.

Stanley's cousin came by Sunday and left a note in my door for me to call him. He raised Stanley like a little brother and I haven't seen him since the funeral. I used to call him in the beginning and he never got back to me, so at this point, I not sure how I feel about seeing him since I've gotten this far without him. I know that all the wounds will open back up and I'm not sure if I feel like going there. His timing sucks.

Other than that it's all good. I'm back to work, the kids still get on my nerves.(smile) And I'm enjoying the sunrise again. Of course it all due to the loving and merciful God of my understanding. Glad to read that everyone is in place so we can pick this back up. I've missed you all and I always pray for a measure of peace for everyone here. Please continue to be good to yourselves, one day at a time and till then, have a blessed one. Luv ya

[lauraa]

I could use some good sound advice...It is hard for me to ask male family members since they haven't been with me consistently since my husbands passing.......My oldest son is suffering from anxiety and PTSD. He has been on a med that is really helping his anxiety and he is feeling better.....He is young for his age. He is 21 but chronilogicly around 17 since his developement was interupted while his dad was ill.....it was very traumatic.....he is in counseling and the therapist made a plan that she would be the one to assist him with his career planning as a life coach along with helping him with PTSD and the anxiety.....she thought it would be better if we worked on just having a good relationship. Well he is in college and commuting but I cannot see where he is doing any work...when I ask him about it he tells me to get out and not worry about (well, he says more than that). I pay out of pocket for his therapy as she was highly recomended by my therapist and my insurance isn't covered with her. I pay for everything for this kid and he isn't doing his part...I am so frustrated and I don't need the extra stress. We just got into a major fight because I asked him a simple question, like....why aren'it you taking a planner to your therapist as she asked, along with a couse outline and graduation requirements......I'm really pissed at the both of them.....It goes like this...I pay the bills and no-one follows thru but I am suppose to step back and let him make decisions in order to move forward.....I feel like I am going to have a stroke sometimes over this. My other son is coasting in a couple of his courses and I just had a fight with him and took the car keys away....he punched to things in his room and broke them.......wow......and I am kept captive in my own home because if I leave even for a couple hours my oldest will have a party even when I ask him not to...problem is he is hanging with younger girls. Any suggestions. My brother and brother in law says, call the cops and throw their asses out! Great advice, huh! My, my how life changes and I have to say it sucks!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, no my dear friend, this isn't the time to toss the boy out. Not just yet anyway. If you do, he most likely will create a grudge against you, and this will "lock" his behaviour patterns into what you now see. He needs to see what your consistency still. If I may offer you this as a social worker, if his therapist is coasting, then there is no progress. You are wasting his time and your money and effort. You both need someone more effective in working with him, who may seem a bit driven, but also compassionate. There is a place for compassion, but discipline must also have its place. You love him far too much to let him run wild. Just remember, Laura, this isn't an act of anger or animosity toward you. It's his grieving - it's a juvenile grief coming to the surface, and it comes out in a bizarre way, much different from adult ways. If you need help, you have my number. Any time, day or night. Be strong, be to the point with them, and don't give in for anything. If they don't want to cooperate, then they must sacrifice some kind of penalty for it. I have boys too, and they're tough to raise. Girls are less headache to raise. I've also had to take the keys, the plates, the insurance, and the list goes on. Boys are stubborn, but I guess it's how they learn "leadership", whatever on earth for? I thought men and women were equal??? Thanks for your sweet thoughts. My grandson is absolutely the most amazing child in the world! I may be a bit biased, but I'm just another typical grandfather (brag, brag, brag). hehehe. It was a fantastic trip, and my youngest really had a good time too. He loved every minute with his nephew. Take care of yourself, okay. We're here for you. a hug just for you, from yer friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, so good to hear from you. I love reading your posts, which always give me hope. There is light at the end of grief's tunnel. To live again, to love again, it's there. We'll always love the one we lost, and the empty place in our hearts will forever remain empty. Nobody can fill that place. But, to share love again is possible. My trip was good. Just seeing my grandson, holding him, spending time with him, I feel so great. I'm a grandfather, and I love being grandpa. Thanks for praying while I was away. Thanks for your friendship, which I hold dear. Still your mind so you can rest at night. Take care of yourself as well as you can. My prayers are always with you. luvs, hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, I remember the pain of a few here who have been through their children's spouses, who began seeing someone else afterward. In a way, it was almost like they were telling me the feelings were the same betrayal felt when a couple is facing a separation or divorce (been through that). To rebuild is always difficult and painful - to love easier than to trust. As my wife and I have gone through our painful discussions about "my" future, I bring our children and my daughter into them. They all say that any future relationship will make them feel uncomfortable, so please know that feeling uncomfortable is a normal part of all this. I'm not even there yet, and my kids are unhappy with the idea. My wife and I nearly divorced, so I also have firsthand of those feelings. It's painful to see evidence of someone else where the right person belongs. Time helps us to adjust, but it nevertheless feels out of place for a long time, maybe forever. Erinn is your daughter, and you remember her most important and beautiful day. Take your time adjusting, and let your feelings be known. Who knows? The new girl on the block may just become an ally in your healing, a friend like no other. Keep an open mind about things. The power of God is like no other. I'm praying for you, girl. And for Katie and the new flea ridden kitten. He sounds really cute! (we have 4 cats) luv ya, hugz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, I can believe you didn't spoil your grandbabies, just like I didn't spoil mine one little bit either. hehehehe. The second I held the little kid, it all became real on a perfect, spiritual level. I'm really a grandfather! The rest of our time there was so perfect. My daughter and I had more fun than I could have imagined too. We're so close, daddy and daughter. Can a father and daughter be connected at the heart? I think we are. We often think the same thoughts, and Jenni will sometimes visit her instead of me. I believe Kagan may be spending time with her. Jenni spends time with my grandson, too. It's perfectly within the realm of possible. Anything is possible for them. I would love to think Kagan is still stopping in to play with the kids. Wouldn't that be great!? I know you hurt, Christy, but please try to rest your mind and heart. Take gentle care of yourself. You mean so very much to me, my friend, like a sister to me. Luv ya, big hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm proud of your children for doing so well with their sports. This is more than an accomplishment, it's an emotional, spiritual connection to dad. I'm proud of them for doing all they do, and for doing it so well. For your oldest getting a job, hooray! This can help him with his own expenses and teach him reponsibility. Just as you get one job done, another comes to the surface. How much of a project is your roof going to be? I'll be praying for you. Me

[lauraa]

Mark...thanks for the advice. Boys are much more difficult to raise in my opinion....I know they have been thru the mill but I cannot keep paying they way and not have them do their part.....All I ask is to keep their grades up and their rooms....I cannot get them to co-operater for family counseling. My oldest is 21-1/2 y.o. and he still relys on me for everything....it is so frustrating. If I told you what I have spent to get him to where he thought he wanted to be, you would probally fall on the floor....he is worth it but I cannot keep this up on my end when he isn't doing his part. He can be so totally disrespectful to me when I confront....I feel sick to my stomach when he yells at me like that....if my dad were here he would find his butt in the backyard.....and trust me, he would be straightened right out......or, he would get out! It's like a Holiday Inn around here. They have no clue what I do behind the scenes to make this all work.......I wish I could leave but I don't.....

You sound really good and happy. I am sure your getaway was worth every minute and I am glad your son enjoyed it as well. How old is your grandson? I hope you are getting you some well deserved rest....have a blessed day, Mark.

[lauraa]

Mark:

Yes, fathers and daughters can be one. My dear dad and me were so connected. We thought the same and have very similiar personalities.....I have not had any ADC with him but I feel his presence all the time. I was his favorite...the only girl out of 10 kids (second oldest). So. I guess you could say I know how difficult boys can be. I loved my dad so, so much. He "passed" on my husbands birthday and 5 months before my husband.....You know, I always thought my husband would have been here for me to get thru the grief of loosing my dad.....my mom "passed" 3 weeks after my husband.......I have been so overwhelmed with the loss of my companion that I haven't even had a chance to grieve for my parents. My kids have taken center stage.....I have tried to make everything right so they could all cope as well as could be expected. It messy....anytime someone we love and get ill and passes....it is just flat out messy.....it changes everything.....I mean everything.....in everyway.

So, yes my friend you and your daughter are connection in such a deeply spiritual way and no-one can ever mess with that....it is spiritual and a bond that cannot be broken......like the bond between kindred spirits.....it cannot be broken.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, the father/daughter bond is beautiful. My daughter and I call each other daily, sometimes more than once. Thank God for free long distance! hehehe. I know about raising a stubborn, obstinate son. I'm still proud of my boys, but I admit they have had their moments. All boys do. My oldest son is now running a trucking company. At first, I poured money into it, but then I had to cut him off. If he's going to be independent and responsible, he can't hold daddy's hand. I'm proud of him. He has to go through some tough days to get to the good days. If I may go this way to give you some advice as a father, don't give too much. The medical bills are one thing. Even there, if you get no return, change to someone who is making a difference for him. You're a great mom, doing the very best for your children, and I'm honored to know you. I'm only giving you a father's ideas, cuz men and women see things a little different at times. From the sounds of it, you do need to make a change of therapist for him. You also may want to think about some changes at home to hand him more responsibility. We made it a kind of ritual, or rite of passage, like the Jewish tradition. But we also expect a lot from our sons. I'm proud of them for the way they carry their end of the expectation. My oldest is doing well in trucking, about to take another contract. My younger is in high school still, but doing well with his grades. I'm here for you. Always thinking of you, always praying for you, always a friend, Mark

[lauraa]

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.....Mine is always kid and family oriented. It is tough to get away even for a short while with teenagers. Friday night I went to my son's football game, Saturday tended to some business and went to dinner with a girlfriend and my daughter and then off to the mall and Sunday went for a ride with my friend to visit her daughter at college in Amherst.....It kept me busy and it was good but still I feel such a void in my heart....I think when we loose someone and if we are honest with ourselves in how we feel that the truth is we really feel like dying ourselves.....no, I don't feel like killing myself....I just feel like I could lay down and die.....it is the loss, the exhaustion, the fight, the grieving....the list goes on....it is mostly accepting that I have to go on without the one person I held so close and dear to my heart.....No-one ever appealed to me but him, ever.....I feel so alone without him and I feel no-one really cares what I went thru. I hate that life goes on as if nothing happened when my heart has been ripped apart.....I hate pretending that it is all o.k. because it isn't. I hate shopping as it is a reminder of him.....I am trying with my whole heart to love this life again. I am trying to understand why to so many questions. I am trying to redefine my purpose here and I am trying like heck to be a great mom and see my 3 kids thru this...it is not easy disciplining kids who are hurting.

I hope you are all doing as well and you are all in my heart each and everyday. I hope you all know how dearly I hold you all in my heart and prayers....I feel like we are a family.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Laura, it sounds like your weekend was more fun than mine. I wasn't feeling all that well. It was just a cold, but with spina bifida, a simple cold settles into my spine for the long term, and it tries to see just how unhappy it can make me. I liken it to a tax audit (self-employment, especially in entertainment, always causes audits). I agree with you about discipling children who are hurting. It's a balancing act between consoling and loving vs order and discipline. I sat them down when mom was diagnosed terminal, and told them they can have their moments and meltdowns, but my rules are always in effect, and I'm always father. We've had a few moments of chaos, but I'm nontheless very proud of each and every one of my children on their individual merits. Their beautiful children who happen to be going through a very difficult and painful time in their lives. I try to limit the stressors too, but I do not in any way hide my own pain from them. They see me just as I am, hurting just as much, if not more than they are. Take care, Laura. I'm always praying for you. Take this one little day at a time. You're a great mom, a great friend, a great person. have a good night and a good day tomorrow. Mark

[suelowe]

Starchild, i hope you don't mind me saying hi to you through here. Like Mark, you have such warm things to say to help people through grief, and you share your feelings too.

i'm beginning to appreciate things more around me, like being able to get up and walk around, and to say hello to my mum and dad. I didn't believe in God much before my mother's death, but let's just say that my spiritual side has opened up more since she passed on. oh Lord, it does feel strange to say she's passed on, i'd like to think in my mind that it's all been a huge mistake, the biggest mistake ever.

anyway i hope you're well. God bless

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey kids, another week passes. My prayers have been with each of you and with your families, for the peace you need and deserve. I do hope you are all well and enjoying November so far. Laura, have you seen snow yet, or just rain? I've had about five cm of snow already, but we're in a belt of lake effect. I do pray your children are doing okay. Laurie, hope and pray everything is well with Katie. She's a special child. Starchild, you're always so busy working, I don't know how you find time for anything here, but you still do. This is something great.

We're adjusting to our new situation. My big hope is that we won't find a placement until after the holidays, but if one happens to become available, we must take it. Nursing home care is more important than my preferences at this point. I can't wait for my daughter to arrive in a few days. She's going to be here for US Thanksgiving. Although we spent time with her last month, I miss her so much. She's a dear young woman, so priceless to my heart.

Take good care of yourselves. May each of you have a perfect weekend. My plans are to have a good weekend too. With any luck, I'm getting together with a band for a while. hugs for all, with luvz, Me

[lauraa]

Hey, Hey......It has been a busy week! Mark, I am so glad to hear your daughter is coming to visit you. I am sure it warms your heart so. That is so great to hear. I feel like it has been awhile since we were updated....Is Mary still getting nursing care at home? Are you now awaiting placement for her into a nursing facility? Are you able to get the proper rest you need, now? Try and make Thanksgiving easy, laid back, family day......lots of turkey and stuffing but not to much fuss as to keep away from just sitting with family....that's my advice and I'm stickin' to it! I have had a low week but I am a tough bird (hope they don't use me for turkey dinner)....lol! I have had alot of stress on top of stress...I do try to manage it but seems it just keeps coming my way......I need to get away but just can't risk leaving with 3 teenages at home.....I know you guys understand what I am saying. Believe it or not Halloween was rough because my husband loved it so and I was left home alone to give out the candy...I cried alot in between.....When do you all suppose the tears will stop? Never, I don't think....

I needed to have a new roof put on my house....when it rains it pours, huh.....One thing I have been finding out is there are some real creeps in this world but also there are some genuinely fine ones to boot.....we have intuition for a reason. It isn't easy being a single woman in this world, especially after being married for 34 years.....god, did I love being married and in love> This anxiety I am having is kicking my butt......I think it is a combination of many things, one being PTSD.....I wake up out out of a deep sleep as if I was in a war....not having nightmares but jerked out of a deep sleep with panic and then I have to cry, deep breathe, pray....anything to console myself....I am suffering now after my loss....My husband carried his cross before and I am carrying it now.......it is a rough journey....I know you all here know what I am talking about.....I wish many blessings for all of you here and consider you all a part of my family.

No snow yet here only some rain and colder temps.....stay warm everyone.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, they won't have any wild parties while you're away. They're nothing like the "model" kid I was. Feeling low? I'm sorry. You're going to get through each step of the journey. We've had a rough day here. My wife crashed out again. They're doing the tests to see if it's another stroke. From what we saw at home, and seeing so many already, I'm fairly certain. Boys have their moments. I call it the "headbutting ceremony". It's part of becoming men. Sorry, mom. You may want to buy a helmet for this one. Now you know why men are such hard headed creatures (I'm telling all our little secrets, aren't I?). Have a good week, and stay strong. Not all men are jackasses. Take care, Laura. I'm praying for you, and for each one of your dear children. They are as precious as they are unique. You're a great mom, and a great person. til nextime, always yer friend, Mark

[lauraa]

Mark.....I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart that Mary is suffering so....I as a result, you and your entire family are suffering a tremendous heartache......I went thru it with my dear husband.....I still cry for all his suffering! I can still see his face and eyes and I am remembering some of his darkest days and it breaks my heart so much....I have the feeling that I just want to run but there is no-where to go.....ever feel that way? How can I get it into my thick head that my husband is not suffering anymore and is in a better place. I can't because it was all so unjust.....

You are always in my thoughts daily and I am keeping you all close to my heart......Remember, the serenity prayer and just take one minute at a time....blessings my friend.

P.S. I know not all men are bad. I had one of the best!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, me? run? oh, yeah. I'm a master at the art. I ran from everything, including love, that is until I met the girl who got me off the acid, saving my life, and I stayed with her til my grandfather died. His death freaked me out, and once again I ran. I'm sorry you are facing such difficult feelings. Try to rest your soul. I'm praying that you may have peace. It ain't easy here, but momma's home. We now have nearly round the clock care for her. I only care for her four hours a day. It's not that I'm worsening, but she. Even when she's sleeping, someone must watch her, to ensure she's still breathing. I know there isn't a nursing home in this solar system willing to comply with this need. When she is placed, they'll have to use monitors for her while she sleeps.

Take care, my dear friend. I hope all works out for you in the very best, not just in the tangible, but intangibly, for your soul and spirit as well. I do worry about you, Laura. You have only been a dear friend, always here for us, for me. I'm thankful for you. If I can help you, please feel free to ask. This includes work about the house that may not require a ladder (obviously, not my forte - hehehe). I do hope you can rest well tonight.

And, no, not all men are bad, but as a man, I'm going to tell you that the gender can be self seeking about certain things when it comes to a lady. Some men will say or do anything to have their selfish way with a dear lady, and when they do, the aftermath is a very hurt lady who has always been otherwise an enchanting friend and gifted member of society. Emotional wounds run deep. Be on your guard, but also know that there are some truly good men out there.

til next time, my friend, always on your side, Mark

always your dad, always my Jennifer

[lauraa]

Mark...You say things so eloquently. Thanks for the advice about men who are total weazles.....I can see them a mile away...and, Oh so clever....They are wolves dressed in sheeps costumes, huh. Yes sir, I have my antennas up and always on......my main purpose is to raise my kids and get thru this in one piece. I also know that I am wounded and extremely vulnerable so I am extra cautious. My therapist told me in the beginning to try not to make any major decisions for the first year....I still think that apply's because I am still extremely low on energy, emotions, sad, depressed, etc.....thank you for saying that and looking out for me. It has been a really tough couple of weeks for me as I have lots of things happening that triggers many deep emotions...such as anger...which then translates into complete and utter lonliness and saddness....I hope you understand. I have felt as if I haven't been a very good friend to you lately as I have been absorbed in these things.

My oldest son is feeling so much better...the medication has helped with his anxiety tremendously....his appetite is back, he is playing on a rec. football team, and is less irritable...But, Sunday night he talked to me and said he doesn't want to go full time to college and wants to cut to part time....he wants to work and that he is tired of taking money from me....he said that he is physically exhausted...I know that is true or else he would never have quite playing college football....remember, this is a kid who lost 55 lbs....Honestly, I feel exactly like he does....exhausted! I am just afraid that if he cuts back he will then quite school and never go back....he wants to teach and coach and without a degree he won't be able to do that....I have a "friend" (a guy) who said he is going to take him out to dinner and talk with him but he thinks that my son should take a break.....penny for your thoughs on this................I think of you everyday and pray that you and your family are all getting what you need. Have a restfull day and look for little signs for comfort..........(((HUGS))).

No more running, my friend! And, thanks for the offer on the house....believe it or not I am getting things caught up (the major things) but it does cost me to get them done....that is where I am getting my real education on what drives people and what motivates them...and sometimes, it is not till the end that I see them for the truth...it usually money!