I Believe in God...

[starchild]

gOOD mORNING aLL; As always, I have to give honor and praise to my higher power who is the head of my life. And to thank him for the blessing of being counted as one of his. I went to church this past Sunday. Found out that there's another blueprint available for my renovation.

Since Stanley passed I've been holding on to my survial instincts so tightly. Scared to death that if I loosened my grip at all I would fall apart or go back to what I used to do when I was in pain. But through the Lord's grace I didn't. And then Daddy died and once again through his mercy I didn't. But I did withdraw to do some soul searching and I found that I am at some measure of peace. Being justified by my faith maybe now I can stop acting as if I'm alright and just be alright. The fears drained me more than the grieving did. Well I am now an official member of the "No Matter What" club.

Laura: Hey girlfriend!.... thank you for your care and concern. I'm sorry you have'nt been feeling well. This is a crazy viral strain going around, it put my stepmom in the hospital too. But I'm glad you're feeling better. Here's a chance for you to make it all about you......pampered, spoiled.....but you won't. So take it easy and be good to yourself. Okay? Much luv to you and yours from me and mine.

Mark:(aka grandpa) A new crib? Uh,oh! I'm so happy for you. You and Mary deserve the all blessings you've stored up. Your ministry on these boards has to have you in favor with the master. I don't think you realize what you mean to us here. Your graciousness is a true reflection of the spirit. I pray only good things for you baby.

Hope everyone has a blessed day as you are in my prayers. Till this time next time. Luv Ya.... Who's in charge?

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Starchild, yeah, a new crib, just a bit bigger, so momma has dancing room with her wheelchair (smiling). We've been wanting to do this for a while, so we can have room for the grandchildren. From the way the kids are talking, we'll have at least two more asap. We like that thought. Please remember this thought about "letting go". Our Lord has you in His grip, and nobody, not even the enemy, can take you from His hand. You are forever secure in His love. He'll never let you go. Of course we all slip up here and there and do things we later regret. But the Good Shepherd always leaves the rest of the flock together so He can search for that one who went straying off into danger. He won't let you get far before He follows after you. Just knowing this is enough to keep us in His loving arms, isn't it? How beautiful it is to know the Saviour. I'm always praying for you, my dear friend. With a hug, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Recently, we've been through a lot of negative events. While I felt like crawling into my shell at any given point, I knew I had to persevere for my family. We went through many ER visits for what seemed to be an exercise in futility, but now, looking back, I know that we'd never have learned a new way of dosing her meds so effectively, giving her such a better ability to manage through the day. I'm writing all this to say that, while it may not be pleasant or easy at the moment, stay as strong as you can, for God is always near, and will answer the prayers in His time. Our journeys are long and painful, but we will enjoy times of peace and comfort along the way. Just keep your faith and see. Our prayers will keep each other.

[barbara4171]

I think if anyone had of been with us in our last nine year journey with my daughter's cancer, would have to say there is a God. Wendy was 28, she went home to be with God December 20TH, 2006. Wendy had a very rare form of cancer. she was given 3 days to live in 1997. God had other plans. Wendy and i traveled all over the United States looking for treatments, what we found was miracle after miracle. By 2003, the doctor's declared her medicaly dead and could not say what ws keeping her alive. When Wendy died her body was covered in tumors, but she was still on a very small amount of pain killers, so she would be able to tell us goodbye. Three weeks before Wendy died, my father died. Wendy stood with me and read the 23rd psalm, and held me while I played a tape of a song I had recorded for my dad. Wendy was an Amzing woman, and has a amzing story. She left me poems, letters, and journals enough to write a book. I pray I will do this, and with God's help I will. I love Wendy so much. She was my best friend, she was my hero. I will miss her until the day I die, and I will never be the same, but she made me promise to go on after she died, so that maybe she could help someone else.

Barbara Turner

[lauraa]

Barbara:

I am so sorry for the physical loss of your daughter,Wendy. She sounds as though she had an amazing will and spirit. This is a long journey for us all and I welcome you here to share with us all and hopefully with god's grace we can all help each other. I think your dad paved the way for Wendy so he could meet her when she "passed on". They are together! I hope that gives you some comfort. And, when it is your turn and time, they will both be there waiting for you. But, until then, they are watching you and sending their loving energy for you to get through each and everyday.

My dad passed 6 months before my husband did....so I know in my heart that they are together...which helps me to know. My husband and I also had many special spiritual moments and times along our journey of trying to get well. We met many special people, all of which I felt were given to us as gifts. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss them. They are both closer to me than my own heart! I know your Wendy is, too! God bless you.

Mr. Mark:

How are you all doing? Wish I could say we haven't had any snow here in April and I know you probally can't either.

I had that darn viral thing for 2 weeks and then got a sinus infection. I think my resistance was low. I had alot of very stressful things I needed to tend to which was extremely emotional.

Let me know what is new with you all. The last I heard I think you were looking for a bigger place and Mary was controlled better with meds.....Praise the Lord!

Starchild:

Thanks for you encouragement....I needed it. Sorry I haven't written alot but I was flattened and my brother was also visiting with me for about 10 days so it was abit hectic. I hope you are doing well. Your are always inspiring and help to lift us all up here. I know though that it is not easy (it never is)....I am proud of you my friend for the strength you muster up to keep going. Your heart is full I know with pain but just remeber all your loved ones are right by your heart! Always!

Bless everyone here! I love you all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm sorry you were ill for so long. At least that's behind you, and you can begin to get back to the daily routines and dramas??? Take care of yourself while you deal with those stressful issues. I'm always praying for you. Some of my more private things I'll send in an email. It's just that "time" thing that gets me. Not enough of it, especially lately. I hope you are all doing well, and that you are really taking good care of yourself. a hug for my friend, with our luv, me and my hon.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Barbara, I am so very sorry for the loss you feel, for losing a child is a pain like no other. I've lost my daughter, so I'm no stranger to the pain. Hold onto God's promises for you. We get to go to them, and we get to enjoy eternity with them, all without them suffering from the illness, or in my case, the pain of being killed by another. When our Lord said "lo, I am with you alway", He meant that He will walk through the deepest ocean for us and with us, and He'll be as close as our heartbeats. I pray His peace will be with you, and that He comfort you in this time of need. I'm here for you if you need to talk. Take care of yourself. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad

[brujablanca]

Hello everyone. I want to wish everybody a happy Easter and a happy holiday no matter what you celebrate. Remember our loved ones are with us and are celebrating right alongside of us. Blessed be everyone and may every day and night become better for you all. You are never alone, none of us ever are. Blessed be. Namaste, Bruja Blanca

[alwaysmyjennifer]

May the blessings of the Resurrection be yours this weekend. My prayers are with each of you through your time of sorrow and the feelings of loss you must endure. Keep within your hearts the knowledge that through our Lord there is reunion, not separation.

[lauraa]

OMG...I feel so painfully depressed today, both mentally and physically. I could have just stayed in my bed all day. Maybe it is all I have had to deal with lately and maybe the combination of my husband's anniversary coming up in a month. I just feel so terribly alone and so sad. We were such a great team! I am terribly lost without him. I try so hard to regain my zest for life. Maybe I shouldn't try at all and just go with what I feel until it just goes "poof". I just want to sleep so that I don't have to deal with things. I think my depression is kickin' in. It sucks!

Does anyone else feel like this?

[4everjoeysmom]

Lauraa, I have days sometimes still where I find I am confortable to stay in my pajamas all day. I ay leats make my bed, but only so the covers aren't lumpy under me, and then I stay in bed with my laptop--sometimes resorting to watching mindless movies for most of the day. Thank the Lord it doesn't happen as much as it did at first, but I still ahve those days. Feeling motivated is ahuge challenge for me still. I'm sorry that you are feeling so depressed. Pray, pray, pray, and I will pray for you as well. You will have good days! Hugs, Claudia

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, when I'm feeling tired, I find that my tears are present. You know how tired I am usually, for the work at hand is always on my shoulders. I miss her more than I can begin to say, and I feel like chucking it all sometimes, just to sit in a corner with my tears. You never need to listen to those who tell you to "get over it", for they don't understand the emotions we have to deal with. My beautiful wife knows when I cry, for her or our daughter. Even though I'd rather she not see, I believe it's necessary for her to see as this is a part of our love. Moving on in life is never an easy thing to accept in our minds or allow in reality. I know my wife and I've had that conversation many times, and I want no part of going on with my life as it is without her. She's the center of my life and love. This isn't a matter of taking steps - like walking down the street - it's a matter of emotionally accepting when you, and only you, are ready. Moving on without being ready adds to our sorrow. Give yourself all the rest you can for now, as your mind sorts out details and works on problems while sleeping. Many details aren't as important as being able to work through the deepest phase of grieving, the depressing stage. My prayers are always with you. With a hug for my friend, me, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Claudia, I hope you got my email. My wife and I are devoted to missionary work, and to helping children with needs. Let us know more about these precious little children please. They are such a treasure, eh? Years ago, my wife and I wanted to buy a large old house in town (she loved that old home), and care for children. Her dream is always in my heart, and I try to do all I can for her dreams to come true. I know how much you hurt through your loss, and I always keep you in my prayers. May our Lord give you the comfort you need. with a hug, Me, Jenni's daddy

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Mark, I did receive your e-mail of April *th and responded on the 9th. Did you get mone? Did you send another after, of which I did not receive?

Thank you for your enocuraging support and prayers. I had written in my e-mail to you that I am praying for you very specifically for the things you discussed in that mail. Let me know if we are having a problem receiving our correspondence. I don't want you to think I am not responding. Blessings and continuing prayer for you and Mary. Love, Claudia

[lauraa]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragment and support.

I feel my psychic holding down the most profound and deepest feeling of grief that I have and when they slowing merge through I have an instant overwhelming feeling that I have to keep them at bay in order to get through issues at hand.

This is why the process of grieving inevitable takes a very long time. And, if people have not experienced any of this there is no way they could possibly understand......One day at a time.

My heart is with all of you here.

[jackiewitter]

Lauraa

I cannot tell you how much I share your feelings. I told Claudia that I really thought I was on the upswing and since February it seems like it has been a steady progression back down. I have called in sick , I have stayed in bed, I have ignored my friends and I have distanced my own children. Just this past weekend I did not go to a friends birthday party, (a good friend, and I really should have gone). I just don't have the energy for it. I continue to focus on the negative instead of the more spiritual. I know that this life is not our goal. This is not where we put down roots to stay, our real home is beyond us, where the loved ones we miss so much are. In spite of all my years of Bible study and my upbringing, I seem to be stuck in the mire. Instead of rejoicing that my parents and brother are with our Savior, I tend to focus on my sorrow.

Claudia did bring to light a component that I had viewed as an albatross, was more likely a gift from God. Stepping away and looking at the positive has helped me see that issue more clearly. I continue to struggle with the great void that I feel and I know that I am creating a distance from family and friends that I will have to bridge. I just have to remind myself every morning that I am not facing this day alone, along with our Creator, I have the good people that I have met here to walk with me. I pray for you and that you find strength to face the days that are ahead. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[kagansmommy]

Ladies, I feel the same way. People don't realize how much energy it takes to socialize as if nothing has happened. They don't want to hear how you are "really" doing so they look at your fake smile and make their lame comments about how you look like you are doing better...NOT~!! I find myself avoiding more, and more because I don't have the energy to smile and make nice with people. I find myself becoming cold, bitter, and harsh. I hate it, but can't stop it either. It scares me to think what I will be like in another 2 years.

Peace be with you all. I know that is easier said than done.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Claudia, I did send you emails, but I fear you've not received. I'm sorry for this. You have struck a harmonious chord in my home. All my sweetie talks about is what we can do to help those kids. They are all so beautiful and innocent and full of life, eh? I hurt thinking that anyone could be so desparate as to just let a child go to the streets with nobody. Now, my wife and I are also deeply into missionary work. We'd like to help you and your hubbie in any way possible with your ministry, so please let us know about this, eh? We both trained for missionary work, and then God placed us where we are now, serving Him here with the music ministry. I love this labor for the King. Our prayers are always with you, with our luv for brother and sister in Him serving in the fields. luvz, hugz, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, I love hearing from ya sister. No, it's not easy to do all that typing for an email, nor is it easy to socialize among people. Just be you, and know that your real friends are by your side, as we've been by your side all along. I'll give you the advice of not doing what you feel is impossible, but as I flip the record over, I'd also like to tell you that it's going to be difficult, but possibly healing for you to stretch out and try to socialize a little bit at a time. Most of all, I hope you're having a great time with your grandbabies. I'm soooo happy they're a big part of your heart and soul. They are such beautiful babies, and I know grandma is very very proud of them all in their unique ways. We're doing okay here, just a lot of the same old stuff. Til then, I'll try to pop an email to you, kiddo. luv ya, and always praying for ya and all of yours. with hugs, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, it's all in the balance, my dear friend. There are those who can't get their minds into the emotional part of this, and others who can't take the monetary part, and still others who can't give you the first about your children. God knows you're grievinng, girl. Just let Him have His way in your life, and see the grand things He does for the dear woman you are, and all He does to reward your faithfulness. For now, a hug from a friend, Mark

[kagansmommy]

Thank you Mark~! In my head I know you are right. In my heart, thats another story. Dacey is spending the night with me for the first time. She was so excited that I finally said yes. Doo and Tiff were afraid that it would be too much for me but I think it has been pretty good medicine. Except for sitting and watching her sleep to make sure she is still breathing. Kagan was on an apnia monitor until he passed away and I used to do the same thing with him. I guess it will take a while to get my brain functioning right again.

Take care and give Mary my love. Prayers to you both.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[starchild]

Good Morning All: First as always I have to give thanks to my higher power for another opportunity to give honor and praise. And to thank him/her for all my blessings. Even the ones I don't know about.

So much has happened since I was last here. The girl who was working with me was dismissed, so I've been holding down the work load by myself for the past 3 weeks. It finally eased up enough for me to catch my breath and say hi. What's up with everybody?

I worked a deal with the insurance co and the restoration co., so they've started working on the house. Which is a blessing cause I don't think about January 2006 every time I turn the corner to go home. I can't believe 15 months have passed already. It's still hurts like it was yesterday. I guess I'm just dealing with it better. My baby went away for a college tour for 2 weeks during Easter vacation. I had serious seperation anxiety. I've also been keeping up with my stepmom. You know what she's going through dealing with all the little things that have come up since Daddy passed. Even started going back to church. So it's safe to say life on life's terms has had me stretched out.

Well, I just had to let you know where I'm at and that I'm okay today. This is and always will be my comfort zone. I miss-s-s-ss talking with all of you and you're always in my prayers. I hope this finds all at some measure of peace. Please remember that according to the living word, we're still blessed. So until this time next time. Luv, from the southside.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, sorry I've been away, but I've been in the studio a lot and I must say it feels great to be back at it. The long days are a bit of a grind to my old body, but I'm happy overall. My sweetie's health is still going along the same path. We have days when she can barely speak or hear, days when the pain could make Job cry, but God is always with us. Soon, hon, we'll be with those we love so much up there in Heaven, and it'll be a sweet reunion. I hope you and your family are all doing well. We're sending along our hugs and love to you. Til next time, sis, luv ya. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey there Starchild! It's always soooooooo great to hear from you! I understand that emptynest feeling you've been feeling. My kids are almost completely on their own, with only one left at home. I love my grandbabies, but yet, I do miss those days when my own children were much smaller. I'm proud of them, though. They're great kids - adults rather (smiling). It's good hearing about going to church, a place where people are caring and supportive. I am happy that you are connecting with your stepmom. Having family is good (although I ain't much for kickin' it with my elders - a lot of "history" there, those unpleasant issues). My prayers are always with you, dear friend (our "sister" by our connection here). Our love and hugs are being sent your way. Hope to hear again from you soon. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I haven't heard from you (nor you from me)lately. I've been back to the business end of things lately. It feels good to be putting it all together again. I do hope you're doing well, my dear friend. My prayers are with you and your precious children, and I hope with prayers that they are also doing well. Hope to hear from ya soon, and with a hug from a friend, Me

[lauraa]

Hey Mark and everyone here,

I have just been really busy lately with alot of pressing issues which wears me out. My kids are all over the place and they keep me busy. Even though, I am approaching the three year marker on May 16th of my husbands passing. I am still extremely low on energy. I have even lost my love for gardening. Maybe it has just been to much for so long. Anyhoo, I try to rest as much as I can and try to keep my kids on a straight path. I also had that viral thing and then a sinus infection after that so that sapped my, too. My brother visited for about 10 day and it helped him to get away and he is on the mend as well. It just that when my husband got sick and then passed...it changed our entire world. EVERTHING! When we married, TWO became ONE! I still somehow have not gotten use to doing it alone. I only take it one day at a time.

Thank you for thinking of me. I am moving on otherwise I wouldn't be getting out of bed, raising kids, keeping a house, working, etc. Things are complicated for me with lots of external things going on. I pray that god is holding us all in the palm of his hands. You are all in my heart and prayers each and everyday.

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, babies and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

-OR-

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, it's been a bit for me too. Just exhaustion ... what else? hehehe. It's good to know you're hanging in there. It's not easy when the kids get to that age they all head to the four corners. I've only got one at home now. But, on the positive side of this, my wife and I have a little more time for each other now. She's not well, but still holding her own. Please know that my prayers are forever with you, my friend. I'll try to drop a note soon. luv ya, Me

[bbarbie55]

I try to keep my faith I've prayed for my daughter for over two years and I still lost her. I'm hurt.

[4everjoeysmom]

Bbarbie55, I too prayed for Joey for years, knowing somehow that God would call him home early. I don;t know how I knew, I just did. But it didn;t make it easier to cope with when he did leave this life. And I was angry with God for a short time. I think that is a natural human response...anger, wavering faith, and so on. I was hurt that God didn't let him stay with me. But now as time is passing, I am learning to appreciate who God is and what Heaven must be like, surrounded by God and His infinite glory. It's taking time, and it's still not my first thought in many moments. Lots of times i wish I could have him here. That too is a natural human response. How can we possibly understand the depths of God's character and what He is doing when we hurt so much? I have to work hard at my faith journey. I have to pray without ceasing to find comfort and strength, and to honor and worship God. I am a finite human with a broken heart. But I do know Joey was a gift from God, and for that most precious gift God gave me, how can I not be thankful? It's so hard. And the loving support of the faith community has helped me get through in many ways. But I can truly say it is God who is my rock and my strength, my comfort and my refuge, because when no one else was there for me, He never abandoned me. Hold on dear Bbarbie55. Hold on tight to God and your faith. Write here or e-mail personally if you would like. I want you to know that I share your pain, your grief, your broken heart, and this jounrey of losing our precious children. And I will be here for you if ever you call. God bless you and keep you lifted in His loving and merciful arms. -Claudia

[starchild]

Hi everyone; As always I have to give thanks to my higher power for another day to give honor and praise and for being better to me than I've been to myself. I hope this posting finds all doing well. I just wanted to wish all the mothers a blessed Mothers Day and my heart felt ((((hugs)))) to all those whose children God has brought home unto him. Please remember to be good to yourselves and may you be at some measure of peace this weekend. Till this time next time. Luv

[alwaysmyjennifer]

hi Starchild! I've been so busy with things, I've had little time for important things like my friends here. So, a rather late Happy Mother's day with my hugs. My prayers are always with you. luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Laura, my apologies for hiding from the world when you need your friends. I know this week is painful for you and your children, so I'm praying for you as I always am, only more. May you all have the greatest peace now. I'm also praying for you with all those "other things" that keep you running. I hope all works out for your best in this. We're soing okay here, although I have little time at home. I've been getting back to what's important (you know, what's in the song, Turn The Page). It feels good to be back at it. (smiles). Til next time, my love and hugs to a friend, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Claudia, my prayers are always with you as you do all those great things ya do. I know it's difficult and painful to keep carrying on after the loss we've faced. Our Lord is forever our comfort for He knows our sorrow. May peace be yours. luvs, Me

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Mark, Thanks Bro! I've been guessing that you've been pretty busy lately, but I'm always praying for you as well. Out of sight is NOT out of mind. Please give my love to the Mrs. And I pray you are both have a good, uplifting weekend. Love & Blessings, Claudia

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thanx Claudia. Yes, very busy, trying to get back to what it is I need to be doing in this life, and trying to hold up under the weight of emotions. This is Jenni's day, so the days leading to it get very down for me. Thank you for the prayer and kindness. I will convey the love and greeting to my sweetie. She had a down day over the weekend, having another minor stroke. So, for the moment, she's resting (and hating every minute of it - hehehe). Keep to the matters before you, and let the Lord deal with the rest. We can always hand over our anxieties to Him. If only I could master this feat??? hehehe. Luvs, Me.

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone:

I agree...out of site isn't out of mind. You are all in my thoughts daily. I must admit that I am deep in the depression phase of this grieving journey. Things haven't been easy and there never seems to be a dull moment through it all. I pray for you all!

I think our loved ones are at peace now and there is no-more suffering for them. They live on and are with us. We are the ones that are suffering with our lonliness of not having them physically with us now. I have to agree with what Nancy Reagan said on the morning show the other day in that after three years it "is not" easier but actually harder because of all the memories shared....My heart aches still.

God bless you all.

Mark,

I am sorry Mary had a set back. Please tell her she is in my heart and prayers. I know how painful the leading up to anniversaries are. Seems there are many. I am glad you are getting back to what nourishs your soul.

Luv ya.

[starchild]

Hi Family; As always I have to thank my higher power for another day underway. And for him being the head of my life. I know I'm blessed, even though I don't always appreciate it. And this qualifies as one of those times. I feel you Laura. I still hurt for my husband like it was yesterday. I'm still trying to get comfortable with God's will for me and I still don't understand. Maybe one day......maybe not....But either way I have to keep pressing on toward my destiny. With another holiday coming up and the emphasis on family more prevalent, the frustration with my situation is making me more sensitive than usual. This being head of household thing is draining. The problems are bigger, the solutions more expensive and the rewards less fulfilling. I wonder if that's how the Lord felt when he sent his son. And what do I have to do to get my point across? Good thing I have him to lean on for his experience, strength, and hope at these times. He is my portion. Well enough feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to wish all of you a happy, healthy and blessed Memorial Day weekend. Please remember to be good to yourselves. And if you can't be good, be careful.(ha ha)

Mark: I'm sorry to read about the Mrs. My prayers are always with you. Till this time next time, Luv ya

[mofirefly]

Claudia - Just read your post re accident on Joeys 10th month date - so sorry you had to endure more tragedy on that painful day, but was so struck by your happiness in the saving grace of our God and how you shared those feelings with Joey (and the rest of us) by posting. Thank you and may you be resting now after all the visitors.

May all who visit this forum be resting in the arms of our Lord.

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Candy, thanks for your encouragement and compassion. Actually I breezed through the 10 month date. God is so good. He gave me joy in His work that I had no room for sadness. And thanks for the comment about my blog. So funny that you read it just after being at the dentist. I am trying to catch some rest now. Michael is off to the jungle for a week with that group, so I have peace and quiet for a week before our next visitors arrive. I'll be trying to get some writing done--updates for the ministry friends, etc. Do we ever have lots to report!! And got some awesome news last night. We received an unexpected very substantial donation of support which will compliment these new works and projects here. So excited!! We serve an awesome God!!!!!!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lauraa, I'm sorry you must go through this deeper part of grieving. My prayers are with you, my dear friend, and with your precious children. Thank you for praying for my wife. When you feel down, please keep in mind that I'm always here for you. You are one of few friends I allow to fon at three a.m. I have a little more personal family stuff I'll email about the kids. Til then, I'm always praying, and with a hug for my friend,

Mark, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, thank you for all those prayers. She's doing quite a bit better, able to walk about the house for a little bit. She never ceases to amaze me with her strength to fight this. While you don't understand it all here and now, you will understand it all when you reach Heaven. He will reveal all of the mysteries there. I know that you are facing so many things as you grieve, and my prayers are always with you through your journey. with a hug, a friend, Mark, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Claudia, even while we must travel painful roads here on earth, God is always so loving to shower us with blessings along the way. These things do lift our spirits, eh? About the support issue, how can my sweetie and I add to your support while you serve there? As I pray for you, I believe God is telling me to ask about this. Thank you and your husband for your faithful service to our Lord. til next time, hugs, luv, prayers, Mark and my fam

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I've been a bit down lately. May 22 hit me like a runaway freight train. On Jenni's day, I went to a little shop where I found an adorable porcelain figurine of an angel holding a little girl. It made me cry so much, I had to buy it for Jenni. Missing her a lot now. Please know that even while I hurt in my own journey, I keep each one of you in prayer for the peace and comfort you need. thanx for always being here for me. luvz, Moi

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Mark, I have tried and tried to e-mail you on support projects, etc, but you don't seem to get my messages. I wonder if that's the enemy...hmmm? Anyway, we are putting together a wonderful child sponsirship program for a village very near here that has families that cannot afford to educate their kids or feed them. It's $20 per month per child, and right now we have 4 kids that need our help. I haven't the CD yet from the pastor of the school with the kids personal bios, but will have that in the next couple of weeks--even if I have to create it myself the next time we visit. There are always general needs, but this is one that has touched me deeply. Michael is in the jungle down by Peru right now learning to do water filtration systems in remote homes that have only dirty river water for drinking. We believe this will be a good ministry here in our area as well. The cost per system is about $40. More on that later... And we could always use support for bibles and discipleship materials. It's about $3.50 per NT and $9.00 for complete bibles. I know it's kind of costly here, but we haven't a way to import safely yet w/o paying a fortune in bribes. Awful, huh? All support can come through our website, which i don;t know if I can post here... ugh. We are Pathways International, (using one word all lower case) and we are .org You can get more info there, and check our bios on the who we are page to see me and Michael.

I'm so sorry you are so sad Mark, though I cmpletely understand. Please know I am lifting you in prayer. The Lord is walking with you through the valleys, my brother, and my prayers are with you. Love your sis in the Lord, Claudia

[lauraa]

Hey Mark:

I am sorry you are down in the dumps. This is a rollercoater ride for sure. I knew the big anniversary's needed to be planned for but I wasn't prepared for the day to day things that have continue to bleed my heart. If it weren't for my children I truely don't know where I would be now. I know our loved ones are waiting for the day we are reunited with them......I just know it! That's the good news.....on the other hand, I can't wait to see him again. This is the down side of loving someone so much...the agony of losing them and having to live on without them by our sides. I pray they are with the Lord and it is glorious. I just don't know how to be happy missing him so much. I have a switch in my brain that I am just turning off so that I just don't think so much. The pain is so great.

I know things are not easy for you and your family. I pray for all of you and have you all in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

Starchild:

I think of you lots and hope you are doing o.k.

I can see you carry so much faith. I am sorry the road is so hard for you. It all give new meaning to the saying, "one day at a time".

To everyone else here who pains so. I am so sorry for it all.......I know god is watching and protecting us. He plucked flowers for his bouquet...he loves assortment of different species and colors.....they all have names with different shapes and sizes.....they are all beautiful. Bless you all!

[flanagan]

hi everyone- i've never done this sort of thing before...talk on the computer. i'm just at a loss-i feel the need to have contact with other people who are going through this i guess. I am an only child-only grand child-no fam-just me my mom & dad-we were all very close-mom was my best freind we did everything together...she had a heart attack and died april the 13th. i some how was doing fine-have to take care of my dad-he just stopped functioning-wants to die. then....ughhhhhh-i'm so consumed with this. i'm a very social person but won't return any calls- won't go out(i work-but that's it now) i know i must get through this -but i don't know how-i don't want to burden anyone with the pain...i feel they would just be saying the ness. things...."oh-i know-if i can do anyting....."

am i crazy????? would love to learn from those going through it. thanx-crys

[mofirefly]

Flanagan - Welcome to a place where you can come and "talk" with others anytime you feel the need. I understand the feeling of being at a loss - I've been visiting the boards since Oct 06 and find that coming here is very helpful because as you go about the daily routine in life it seems you have to put on a mask and pretend so very often that things are ok - but here you can share with others both on days when you are indeed doing ok and on the days when you can't feel anything at all. You are most certainly not crazy. Losing someone you love so very much is something that everyone experiences differently and until those around you have lost someone they will have no idea of what you are dealing with. I lost my own mom Sep 8 '05 and not a day goes by that I don't feel the loss of that connection - and I'll come on the boards and for a while I feel a connection with the others that are so supportive here. So come here when you can, and you will not be a burden. Share your pain here and hopefully by sharing it will be a tad bit easier to carry. Take care!

[4everjoeysmom]

Flanagan, In taking care of and being so concerned for your dad, you haven't had time to evin begin your personal grieving process. I went through, as I think most of us have, a time of willful and preferred isolation, not taking calls, not writing e-mails, not communicating with my husband, the whole 9 yards. It's a part of the early process and its normal. We have to give ourselves time to "mourn", and usually that means we want to have that time privately to ourselves, because no one can mourn for us nor do we want them to be involved in our process. It's a painful time, but it's also a special time of having personal encounters with our lost loved one and all that fills our heart about them--the love we have, the memories, the pain of losing them, the what if's and how could I have done things diffferently, and just everything imagineable that is containe din our hearts surrounding that persons value and time in our life and the devastation of losing them. You posted here on the "I believe in God" thread, and so I am assuming that you do believe. In that, you must know that this seperation, as forever long as it seems, is temporary to this life. You will see your mom again. I know it hurts that she is not here, and it causes grief for your dad that finds him unwilling to live and that's so very hard for you to deal with, especially in your own grief. And I am so sorry for your loss, you rpain, and the added challenges with your dad. In a way you must feel kind of orphaned, huh? But know this, our Father of all fathers in heaven is your eternal dad and he will never abandon you. He is also Father to your mom and dad and they are in His hands. When the world gives too much to handle, He's always there to help us through when we look to Him to help us. Don't forget He is walking with you in your grief. I know it's hard, because that doesn't seem tangible enough having someone with us that we can't see. But that's kind of how I look at the loss of my son Joey last July. My love for him lives, and his love lives eternally and is still in me as well. I can;t see him, and I can't feel him, but I know he isn't gone from my life, he's just gone from this world. This may sound so foreign right now, and truly you just need some time to work through the early stages of mourning and loss. It's not been quite two months and you are 2 months behind in beginning due to your immediate circumstances of being consumed with the care of your dad. That was probably a good protective shield for you in the beginning. I always felt that if our heart opened completely to all the pain at once, we wouldn't survive it. Take time for yourself. You are not unusual for needing and wanting that. It's important. And know you have friends here who will walk with you in your grief journey. You are NOT alone, even when you feel most alone. Come share. That often helps, to unload deep feelings and know others will understand, not judge, and can also bring comfort and compassion in times when you need friends most. I've found that in something so devastating as loss like this, friends we thought would be there aren't, especially if they can't relate personally to our pain. I don;t blame them. In fact I'm glad they don;t know that kind of pain. But it's hard to want to have someone care enough to understand us, and they just don't. We're here for you. And we're praying for you as well. God bless and keep you, Claudia

[lauraa]

Flanagan:

I am so sorry for the passing of your mom and all the pain you are feeling. Stay with us and just tell us how you are feeling. That is what we all have done to help with our grieving. I don't think there is anything you could do or do that would be a surprise to any of us here. Chances are, we have all done nutty things ourselves. This is one journey that take alot of time...I mean alot of time! Everyone handles grief differently and in their own time. For me, I really needed to honor my feelings which were authentic and real. I gave myself permission to do whatever I needed to do to get thru this. Truthfully, I believe the pain of our loss will always be with us but staying in the moment really helps. Talking with us who know and care is a real lifeline. We became family here. Please keep letting us know how you are doing and let us help in anyway we can.

Remember, you mom is still very much with you. You will be together again!