I Believe in God...

[mamabets]

For Lauraa- For any of us who are trying to be "brave" through this anxiety, that has definately given the scale of 1-10 a WHOLE new meaning,don't you think?Anti-anxiety meds must be on board here at all times...I have runn the length of this thing called back and forth on having them here, and let me tell you what- Anti- anxiety meds are prescribed more than any and all meds. It's a mean world- And when it comes to the arena of losing a child, at least for this Mom, good luck world- I will welcome any and all help!!! I sound fascicous {Major SP??}, but I am as serious as a heart attack- ANYTHING to help this kind, mamabets, as long as supervised, {which it all has been for over 10 years}, I am game- I don't even know what anxiety is anymore- It has felt like an electric sort of cruelty now... But, when I find that over a period of many long months, that I can NEVER settle long enough in my head to even find my God, so I can "hear" him listen, it is WAY, LONG overdue for anti-anxiety medicine. My Angel Danny "hears" me always and knows that God must be part of our loop here- They have started me on a trying this, what might work better than that, kind of thing, and I will be forever grateful to myself for giving in to the KNOWING that this is warrented!! I DO feel better...I love you! xoxomamabets E-mail me at any time at huntross4@aol.com

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, it's one of those things that our grieving "survival mode" almost tries to dictate. We want to help our kids, yet they feel the same pain we're feeling, and this fact somehow limits us a little in how well we can help them. This is painful, cuz we want to do more for them. Guide with patience and love, as you've always done. You have always been and still are a great mom. Try to rest yourself, and take it one step at a time with him. I'm praying for you all. a hug for a friend, Me

[starchild]

Good Morning All, First as always giving honor and praises to my Lord who has definitely been better to me than I've been to myself. It's been a busy week for your girl. Lotta things going on at the house and at my job and I haven't had the opportunity to check in. My moms lawyer contacted me the other day for proof of what I'm asking for as far as my damages are concerned and I couldn't get the information to him fast enough. I don't know if he really understood the situation, but he will now. In working for her, he's actually working for me. That's ironic, right???? Also my oldest son finished summer school and it looks like a diploma is secured. Thank you Lord! Stanley died a week after my sons 18th birthday and they were close. So it was really important that in spite of everything that I keep him on track. His future was at stake. You know I thanked Stanley for helping me look out for him. He's got to be proud too. Also straightened out my income tax problem. Turns out I don't owe anything and I got a little refund coming. You don't know the problems I had with my taxes and all filing issues that I had to deal with. I don't know what tommorow is going to look like, but today his mercy and love are manifesting themselves in my life. Faith, there goes that word again.

Laura: I'm glad you found your rings. I know you were having feelings. That God that you're mad at works in mysterious ways doesn't he?(smile) And I can totally identify with resentments toward your mom. My mother forsaked me, but my husbands love....that blessing from God, it lifted me up. I feel his loss so deeply. Sending extra prayers for you and your son. Hope he gets better soon.((hugs)))

Mark: You're sounding at a measure of peace. Don't beat up on yourself about it. You're doing the earthwork which means you're only responsible for the effort, not the outcome. The rest is up to the maker of heaven and earth. He knows your heart. Just keep your hand in his and take care. My prayers for you and your family also.

Have to go now, as usual please be good to yourselves. If only for today. I ask the blessings of the angels in all your lives. Till then, Luv Ya

[lauraa]

To all who posted to me,

I am so tired that I need to go to bed but I wanted to thank you all for your support and prayers. I will write when I can respond with more energy.....you are all in my heart each and everyday........bless you all!

[jamiedawnsmom]

Hi everyone,

I'm the other Renee on this board. My husband, Kim, was killed on 9/28/03 in a car accident at the age of 46 and my youngest daughter, Jamie, was killed in a car accident on 12/23/05 - she was only 16. I have two daughters in college and a grandson, who makes me smile everyday. After Kim's accident I prayed a lot to God to just not take any of my children. Jamie's accident was 1/2 mile from home and so bazaar that I'll never understand it. I guess it just reinforced my belief that when it is your time, it's your time. I can honestly say it is my belief in God and that I'll someday be reunited with my loved ones that keeps me going. I was sure I'd have to be admitted into the mental hospital if anything ever happened to any of my kids but it's amazing what a person can take. We had such a feeling of peace about us after Jamie's accident that I know she had her arms around us and will keep them there until we are strong enough to be on our own again. Jamie missed her daddy tremendously and I'm glad that they are together once again, jealous, but glad.

It helps to read everyone's stories and know you are not alone on your journey. As hard as these past three years have been, I don't have to look too far to find someone worse off than myself. As much as I miss Kim and Jamie, I have to give thanks to God for giving me the pleasure of having them in my life.

Now my deal with God is that the next to go had better be me. I'm strong but not that strong.

Take Care.

Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Jamiedawnsmom, I'm sorry your husband and precious daughter were taken from you, and at such young ages. Ooo, how precious, having a grandson. I'm the grandfather of a five year old, so I know what you mean about the smiles. They're like daily vitamins. You have the proper mind for the search for the answer. Sadly, I don't think there's an answer to the question we all ask, "why"? It becomes more of a matter that we learn in time to accept that they are no longer with us. Please feel welcome to write anytime you'd like, about anything you feel the need to write. grieving takes us down many trails, causing us deep pain. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers. May you and your children and grandson have the peace you need for each day. So, to our new Renee here, welcome. I'm Mark

[jamiedawnsmom]

Thanks Mark for your kind words. Not very many people "get it." Everyone shys away from the mention of either Kim or Jamie so it's good to go someplace where you can talk about them. Kim wouldn't have made a good old man so as hard as his death was, he died the way he would have wanted to. Jamie was such a sweetheart - and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom. She was just so kind hearted and everyone she met fell in love with her. Her accident was a big shock to the entire community. I was dreading her graduation when she'd move out of the house so I feel lost sometimes. I was running to her sports events and school events all the time and all of a sudden nothing. I could still attend but it's live driving a knife in my heart. Now I'm getting to be a computer and book junky - I guess whatever gets me through each day.

Anyway, thanks.

Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, when we lose one, either our spouse or a child, we see our family and friends gather near for a while and then slowly fade back into their own lives. Some friends fear they don't know what to say at all, so shy away. In 1996, my daughter Jennifer was raped and killed while on a vacation with her friends. She was only 21 when she died. Your descriptions of the pain are ones I understand all too well. I'd rather give my own life than see her gone. There is literally a myriad of emotions you'll go through, highs and lows, depressive states to frantic ones. These are all a part of what we must face in this. I have a temporary happiness today of having my wife home and under the care of constant nursing and aide supervision. But, this doesn't stop the progression of the disease. She had five strokes last year, one already this year. We're doing studies on her pain to see if we can get a sense of timeline, but this may be a near impossibility. For me, it's something I feel I need to know if it's at all possible. Try to take gentle care of yourself this weekend. Please do something just for you, even one small thing, if nothing more than going out for coffee. Give yourself time to be you, and to make yourself feel good about yourself and special. You're worth it. I'm always here to talk. Maybe I'm turning into one of those puter junkies too??? hehehe. Later on, Mark

[lauraa]

Renee,

I am sorry you lost your beautiful daughter and husband. I know what you mean about running to all their events and then suddenly it all comes to a halt....that in itself is a jolt to our systems, not to mention this whole grieving process. You can come here and vent all you need and we will be here to listen and support you. As you have found out, most people leave us soon after our losses and we find ourselves alone with "it all". I lost both my parents and my husband, all with 6 months of one another.....so I understand your pain. I hope we can all help lift you as we are all a family here. Bless you.

Mark,

I hope everything is working out o.k. with getting Mary situated in full-time care. I am sure it is devastating in one way but also possibly an opportunity for a load and pressure to be lifted off you and your childrens shoulders... not meant to be a negative in anyway....I think it will lessen your load and free you all up to get some extra rest so that when you are with Mary your time will be more focused on one another, rather than all stressful trying to get all the others things done on top of everything else. I can imagine as I know how upsetting it was when it was time for my husband to go into the ICU for a feeding tube.....I did not leave his side and the doctors had no say in the matter...they would have had to get armed forces to get me out of there........I hope you are all alright and I am thinking of you all daily. I have lots of irons in the fire so to speak and worked more hours this week as we are working on a project at work that is time consuming so I wanted to jump start it to get the ball rolling.....it kept my mind busy on a no-brainer......I guess you can say I am a "type A"....that is before I lost my husband, now there are days I am a 1 out of 10.......oh well, I keep forging on........Oh, my sons tests and biopsies all came back normal. I think he has what they call, Post Infectious Irritable Bowel......he had a really bad bug in the winter that just seemed to linger on to the point where he lost 45 lbs......he is on a bland diet and trying to keep himself hydrated the best he can...I am sure anxiety from his grief has also played a huge part here....I'll talk with you later and I hope you all are getting along o.k. Bless you all!

[griffinsmom]

Mark:

First off~I am sorry about your wife, but I think it is good to have others helping in the day to day care, and let you enjoy each other...(what do I know)...and as far as the beach visit? I have a place at the crash site where Griffins accident occurred- flowers, a wood cross...photos in website....but I go and decorate , clean up, weed once in a while when Im in that neighborhood, I have pulled a sapling and it is growing on "my property"..in front of the house, I collected glass from inside the palm fronds on the palm tree the car hit- and as morbid as it sounds, I find a bit of comfort visiting and decorating the place "where Griffin met God".

griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com

www.xanga.com/griffinsmom

[aprilsmom]

Dear Griffin's mom----HOW ARE YOU DOING????

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Laura, shall I send you a truck load of Gatorade? It takes so little to throw a body off kilter, and when we add stress, fatigue, and a viral anything, it takes its toll. I've kept him in my prayers constantly, and you too. Now, about that Type A, girl, you do know why God created lemons, right? For lemonade, shade trees, and spending time with your kids, telling stories. I know you have projects, but it's also okay to take a little you time for yourself, just because you're a very special person and friend. Take care of yourself, please. Get some rest, and hope you get to have some fun too. You're right about the rest and freedom here. It's a lot different. I now sleep all night long, a very strange feeling. I think we're a lot alike in that it would take an army to drag me away too. hehehe. But there is now NO pressure. We have our time to be a family, and when she needs help, we ask. Now, why couldn't someone have put this in place six months ago? Maybe I'm better off not knowing the answer to that. I really hope and pray you get to have the perfect week. Don't overdo it with your projects, okay. I'm always here for you. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

griffinsmom, no, you don't sound morbid at all. Your idea sounds very comforting. Last August, I took possession of Jennifer's personal effects, her purse, car keys, etc, from the night she was killed. She also liked fast cars, and owned a Camaro, so I keep her keys on a ring with my Vette key. I have the most peaceful feelings seeing her things. Maybe it's just that by having a little something from their lives, we can still remain connected. I don't know what it is, but it's peace. Now that we have care for my wife almost around the clock, I'm planning a trip to Jenni's beach. It's more than what dad must do, it's what I want to do, what's right to do. I've visited your website a few times, as I've had a moment, and I love the work you've put into it. It's beautiful. I keep a constant thought and a prayer for you.

[rodless]

Laura,I'm glad to know how your son's tests came out. I have been wondering. Mark, also good to know things are working out with your wife and you are getting some rest. I took care of my husband at home for awhile and not getting any solid sleep can make you "wonky" - that's a word I learned from playing Scrabble. I love it. It means unstable.

What a weekend. I was rather wonky myself. Several "discussions" with God about this grief thing and lots of journaling, much in capital letters. I know my husband is at peace, healthy, happy and enjoying heaven. I just miss him SO much sometimes I can hardly stand it. And then I read some of the posts here from those of you who have lost children or had multiple losses, and I know I can get through this if you all have the courage to go on with your lives. Some days these boards are all that gets me through tough spots.

Mary Jo

[lauraa]

Mary Jo,

Thanks for your support. WONKY,huh? Yep.....I have that, too! Yes, I think my son is on the mend but on a very bland diet. I think he can now see what a healthy diet can do to keep your health.......growing pains.....We just all have to keep on keepin' on! I am tired as it is not easy raising 3 teenagers going thru all their changes along with their grieving process and mine. I am working hard trying to help them all along. It is very stressful as this is the most expensive time as well...but this to shall pass. I hope you have a good day and do something really nice for yourself.

Mark,

You don't know how glad I am to hear that you are getting the much needed help that Mary, you and your entire family needed and was long over due in getting......Remember, after having a new born baby how much we appreciated just getting 4-5 straight hours of sleep. I am sure you are feeling much the same way. I hope Mary is getting everything she needs, especially spiritually to help her.I am sure it is a HUGE comfort to her to know you and the kids are getting along better....ya, why didn't this happen 6 months ago...oh well....the important thing is you all are getting what you need now.....A trip to the beach sounds nice and healing......I just did that a couple weeks ago. It was where we always went as a family with my husband.....I found my moments to sit and cry and have him with me. Honestly, though....I don't think I will ever get use to not having him with me physically. In my heart I know he is right by my side.......I hope today brings you all gifts!

[lauraa]

Hey,

I hope because I haven't heard from all you guys that it is good news....lots of rest!

[griffinsmom]

Just a question.....does any one here see a pattern of events that occurred prior to your childs (UGH) death that , in retrospect, appear to be preparatory - like to prepare (you-me-whoever) for the loss of the child?...Like, did anyone out of the blue get pregnant and have a baby shortly before the accident? Or...did anyone buy a family pet just before the tragedy?

Is there a plan? (I guess thats the bottom line)...and does anyone see real evidence of it?

Hope all is well for all- Peace.

[starchild]

Good Morning All, Just checking in, so first as always I'll give praises to my highest power for his love and mercy in my life today. This has been a difficult week for me. I got Stanley's death certificate on Monday and it's the first time since he passed that I haven't slept well. Plus I've started having drug dreams again.(Which is never a good sign) Looks like my disease is using my subconscious to tell me that if I pick up, I can medicate the pain like I used to do. That's not the reality, but your disease is supposed to lie to you. So I've been juggling my faith, sanity and sobriety again. I'm having a hard time finding a place in my psyche for his death. And that certificate represents to me the end of things I promised my heart and soul to. Not just for my husband, but my God also. Now I feel powerless and empty, but I do have faith that the angels will not overlook my sacrifices. Faith, there goes that word again.

Griffinsmom: I can't speak on a child but in the months right before Stanley passed, he spent alot of time talking about going back home to England. I found it odd because he hadn't been there since he was 5. He was so serious, all I could think about was what it was going to cost.(smile) In hindsight I wonder if he knew something was going to happen.

Laura: I'm so glad that your son is doing better. Health and strength are important tools for fighting through the grieving process. Now what are you doing for yourself?

Mark: Hi. Glad to read that Mary gets to be home with you and the family and you're getting the help you need. Peace be unto you and yours.

Well I gotta get back to work. Please continue to be good to yourselves, again if only for today. My continued prayers for all of us. Till then, have a blessed one.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I remember when I received Jenni's death certificate and personal effects from the night she was killed. If there was a day I wanted to use, that was the day. I made it home, somehow. So many tears that day, so many wild and out of sort thoughts. I've been there, and it's not the way, my friend. Believe me. It may seem like a good and sensible way to medicate the pain away, but all too soon, we must wake up and face the new day, clean and sober. For tonight, it's perfectly okay to feel powerless. This is where God renews your strength. When we're empty, He will fill us with His Spirit. Just rest in His love. Thank you for praying for us, and thinking of us. We're doing okay. My sweetie had a tough day today, but with all the care we have, she went through it better than we've ever seen before. Having all the help now makes such a difference. We now have nearly constant care. I'm able to get some rest, care for my family, teach my children, and tend to business too. When I hit the darkest hour, God was there, shining through. My children had to tell me their fears, and when we prayed for them, it was all clear. Long story, maybe later. For now, I'll say goodnight, and God bless you my dear friend. I'm praying for you always. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

griffinsmom, things are a little different for me, cuz Jenni's death was in '96, but I found out August of last year. On the night she died, I was in the ER with a panic attack. No idea why, but I couldn't stand being in my own skin. I had to be somewhere, but no idea where. I felt danger, but no idea why. As soon as it was over, I fell asleep, and there was no more of the panic for me. During my search for Jenni, we had many strange twists, like finding people in the same month of the year who could have been a match (always August). We also found another birth certificate, in August, for my other daughter, born in 77. In another August, we also found that there may be a match for my other daughter, and we've done a DNA sample. Funny how this all hits in the same month, the same month I brought home her things. What a sweet kid, always thinking of her daddy. This is the month I picked up her death cert and personal fx from the night she died. Take care, and know that I'm praying for you. You'll get through this. We're always here for you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, you have a way of making me smile, girl. It's been so long since those days of newborns, I have to use a photo album. I am on round two, with the grandkids. Anyhow, I love being able to get a little sleep, which has become more normal lately. I'd forgotten what seven to eight hours of consecutive sleep felt like. Ya know, I think I could get used to this. hehehe. Nobody said we'd ever like this journey, or become accustomed to it. With time, we'll find the pain to be a little less, and hopefully move ahead in this world. I'm always praying for you, and for your children. Good to see he's getting a little better. Time and patience. Soon, he'll be doing what he loves most. Until next time, please get some rest, and be sure to eat that good stuff yourself. I want you to stay healthy too (no junk food okay). yer friend from over the border, Me

[jamiedawnsmom]

Lauraa and Mark, thanks for your responses. I've been lurking in the background again. My niece got married this past weekend and as much as it should be a happy event there are always the thoughts in the back of the head about Jamie never getting to experience that and how both Jamie and Kim would have loved to have been there. My aunt asked me how I was and I said fine and she mimicks "fine" and then laughs. What am I suppose to say and what does she want from me.

My oldest daughter called me this afternoon to say she'd just been in a car accident. It was pretty tramatic for her and she was so afraid the person in the other car was hurt. Neither were hurt. The other lady drove her car away and my daughter's car had to be towed, but at least they both walked away. The other lady was pretty mad and just ranted and raved. If only she knew my daughter lost her dad in a car accident three years ago and her baby sister just 8 months ago, I doubt she'd be so judgemental. It was considered a no-fault accident so I hope that is the last we hear of it. Now to figure out what to do about getting a different car. I was pretty strong whenever she called me on the phone but would totally lose it when I got off - flash backs to the past two accidents. Sometimes its hard to be the strong one and the one with all the answers all the time. My daughter is three hours away so I'll head out early tomorrow morning to get her to classes and try to figure out the car situation. Where is that money tree when you need it?

Renee

[jamiedawnsmom]

Mark, I'm sorry about the tragic way you lost your precious Jennifer. I'm knew to this board and I don't know everyone's stories so it is hard to follow sometimes. How people can do the things that they do is beyond comprehension. I'll keep you and your family and everyone's families on this board in my prayers. One day we may all know the answers to all the whys?

God Bless

Renee

[kagansmommy]

Why is it that every time you seem to be going forward and possibly healing a little bit everything comes crashing down again? My cardiologist put me on trazodone as well as the paxil, xanax, and restoril and I still can't keep my emotions under control or sleep more than 30 minutes at a time.

Haven't we been thru enough already?

I hope everyone is doing ok. Are we ever really ok and will we ever be again?

Peace and prayers to you all.

Christy

"Kagan, Mommy misses you so bad. I love you~!"

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone,

I know we all have experienced anxiety due to all the stress and loss we have all faced. I would appreciate it if you could all keep my son in your prayers and send him some positive energy as he is struggling so. He saw a doctor yesterday who dianosed him with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.....Hopefully with time the med she prescribed will help. I am of to his first scrimmage tonight and he was a nervous wreck before he left which is so totally not like him. This is what this nightmare has done to him. I will keep you all posted. Thanks!

[kagansmommy]

Lauraa, I will be praying for your son. My son went thru a simalar thing a few years back and it was devestating to him both physically and emotionally. But like your son we got medical attention and he ended up fine. The road was a rough one but worth every bump once he was ok. So hang in there. We have to be able to catch them when they fall. My son is 26 years old, 6' tall and 190 pounds but he knows no matter how bad things get for him, or me, I will still be there to pick him up if he needs me to. He thought I was crazy when I told him no matter how old he is or how big he gets he will always need him Mom. Now that he's a Dad he knows how easy it is for a parent to crumble when their child is sick or hurt and still move mountains to protect them.

Your son is in my heart and prayes, just as you are.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[rodless]

Laura,

Consider it done. It is so hard to watch our kids struggle whatever age they are. I'm hoping love and medication will soon make a difference for him. Take care of yourself, too.

Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I'm so sorry to hear of your daughter being in a car crash. My vote is that your whole family has been through far more than enough, and I'm praying God will release you from the time of trials. Try to give over your emotions, as difficult as this is, to His Spirit. I've been trying too, and this is far more easily said than done. Give Him your cares, for He cares for you. He truly does. It may not seem at the moment of trial and stress, but it's the truth. He does. Thank you for praying. It's a long and winding journey back to read how we all got to where we are. It's been difficult for me to finally say that my precious little Jennifer was murdered, and every time I say it, I feel like some moron just stuck a dagger in my heart. It's not any easier, so my apologies to my shrink. Look carefully for that money tree, and if you find it, please tell me so I can share just a little with you. hehehe. One kid needs a car, one needs a computer, and yet another needs help with college. Being a parent isn't easy. But, ya know what? I love being dad! They're the most beautiful kids in this world, and so very precious to me. They mean more to me than life and breath. Lord, keep Renee safe while she has to drive and tend to all these details. Give her wisdom please for the perfect car to keep her daughter safe on these roads today. Give her heart peace and comfort knowing You are her God, her Saviour, her Comfort. Have peace, Renee. luvz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, we're too young for these pills to keep our hearts ticking. I got stuck with xanax, Effexor, and some other stuff. I don't know, but I think it's nitro - he said take it when I get chest pain. My doctor is a little worried, cuz I've already had a heart attack. This is a friendly "order". Take care of yourself, kid. I'm worried about you. I think a lot of you, and want you healthy. Do what the doc tells ya. Have you tried melatonin? It's a natural thing for sleep. For me, I just drink coffee. Caffeine knocks me out. It's okay to fuss over your boy. No matter their ages, they're always going to be our babies, and we'll always fuss over them, worry about them, and treat them like our little kids. And then come the grandchildren, right? We just get worse. You and I know this. hehehe. My grandson started kindygarten this week, so I had to send him all kinds of goodies to celebrate the big event. In two months, I'm out there for his surgery. He got this little thing in his eyes, so we need to have it repaired (I'm talking like he's a Buick! this is eye surgery!). I've been in a blur of hospitals, nurses, and other stuff lately. Did you say something about going fishing? (smiling). I've been away from the lake for so long, I think the fish are beginning to smile! They'll need psychotherapy when I get my boat out again. "Oh no, that menace hippie is back!" I don't know, can fish talk? Have a good day, girl. Try to take real good care of yourself. I'm always, always praying for you and all your family. luvs and hugs, Me and mine

[lauraa]

Hey Everyone,

Thank you all for your support and prayers. My son is struggling so. He has lost 47 lbs. as of today. He is going to red shirt playing football which means he will sit out a year and that will end up giving him another year of eligibility to play football. This gives meaning to the words,"pain and suffering"...Here we are alittle over two years after our loss and it is all manifesting itself in so many way. It proves that we can not take anything for granted.

I hope you all have a good nite and brighter days are ahead. I am pooped and headed to the sack............the good new is, tomorrow I have two high school girls looking to earn a few extra bucks coming to my home to CLEAN IT........YaHoo! It will feel like a weight is lifted because I just flat out can not get-R-done!

Nitey!

Your all in my thougts daily .

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I will keep him and you all continuously in my prayers, as I always do. PTSD hits each person differently. I studied this in college for my social work degree. If you would like, I'll let you borrow my books on it. I'll email you with other info. I'm praying for and your children, as I always do. with a hug from yer friend from across the border, Mark

[kagansmommy]

Thank you Mark for the words of encouragement...today I need them bad. Since I had conjestive heart failure and kicked the bucket when Kagan was 2 days old I have been on so many meds. I take coreg, altace, digoxin, lasix, spironolactone, and one more heart med I can't remember the name of. I found out in april that I am diabetic so now i take glucophage. And of course with diabetes their is high colesterol so I take a med for that too. There is 11 all together so I might have missed a couple. Sometimes I think if I have to take all this crap to stay alive then whats the point. If it weren't for Kagan I would have liked to shot the doctor that brought me back to life.

I found out that dying is easy, it's living that sucks.

As you know my Dad died 10 months before Kagan. I refused to let myself mourn his death because I was afraid Kagan would be the one suffer for it. Well, today it all came crashing down. My brother bought my mom and dad's place right across the road from me. My dad was a farmer with a huge barn full of farming equipment, tools, wood working tools and saws. My brother brought in one of those huge dumpsters that he could drive his tractor inside of and filled it with my dads stuff from his barn! There were dozens of his friends there to carry off what was good but he didn't have a need for. I was sitting on my porch watching and BOOM~!! It felt like a semi ran thru my heart. He is really gone~!! My dad is dead and his things were being tossed out like garbage. I feel like he died yesterday. I haven't stopped crying for about 9 hours now. It is all so real for me now. I'm scared the full blow of Kagan's death is going to hit me next. My cardiologist told me himself that when it does hit me it could very easily kill me...great~!

I am just so tired and I feel so empty inside. God, does it ever end??

Take care of Mary and tell her hello for me. I'm praying for you both.

Christy

"I love you Kagan...I love you too Daddy~!"

[lauraa]

Christy,

I can so relate to what you are saying and feeling about your dear dad. I lost my dad six months before I lost my husband and then I lost my mom 3 weeks after I lost my husband. I have not even begun to grieve my loosing my parents......I think you were so deeply grieving for your baby there was no energy left at the time. It is all beginning to creep in for me as well but now I have my kids coming and going into different grieving stages that are serious. It all takes time I am afraid! It will come when it comes and there is nothing we can do about it...just like there was nothing we could do to stop or control our loved ones suffering and passing. You are right and it surely does suck.....I have never worked so hard and never not been able to fix things and so it makes it so difficult. I will be praying for you. You need to really, really, really try and take extra special care of YOU.....that is what your little Kagan and your Dad would want.I have to keep reminding myself of that when I hit bottom. I am so sorry for all you have been thru. I wonder when it will pass but I know it will always be with us.

Take some time today and get some cat naps in...

[lauraa]

Hey Mark,

I feel much like Christy today.....way to much for to long! I am so tired. I hate complaining especially to you as you have so much on your plate. I hope Mary is being taken really good care of and you and the kids are able to spend some real quality time together. You are such a good husband and dad..(and, friend)....I am so proud of the way you have managed everything to keep your family going and that you stayed straight...and, I mean that as the highest compliment. I know that must have been a tremendous challenge. I am also so impressed at the way you continue to stay strong thru all you adversity. I think you truely know what, "You got there"........thanks for all you support and encouragement with my stuff. I am really worried about my son. This is all so painful for him that it is all coming out physically....the kid told me he has never cried over loosing his dad....my daughter hasn't either......Their dad was everything to them and it is so painful for them to grieve.....much like Christy talks about.....I keep supporting them all but it isn't easy to watch...I am tired as I know you all here are as well. We need to have a circle of positive energy. Have a good day my friend.

[rodless]

A comment on delayed grief...

Rod's sister is having such a hard time with his death. She has decided that she never mourned her mother's passing and it is all crashing down on her now. Marlene is 73 and their mother died when Marlene was 13 - 60 years and she is just now really grieving. She can't believe how difficult her days are. She loves alone and is fighting big depression. Some of it may be her age and knowing that she is the only one left. Their other brother died also. I am going there over Labor Day weekend and we hope some joint memories and mourning will help us both.

I have a cousin who lost his wife about 18 months ago. He told me he pushed himself and thought that a year and a day after her death, he would be fine. Wrong! I guess it is really important that we go through the process no matter how painful and no matter how long it takes. I hope I have the courage to do that. It takes a lot.

Thinking of all of you.. Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, no matter what time of day or night it is, you always have my number, and you know I'm here. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you can always cry on mine, sister. I'll always be here to let you cry, yell at me, even toss a punch (but not too hard - hehehe), just cuz you're my friend. Like you and so many others who say this same thing, when I went cardiac arrest it was easy. Coming back was a long and tiring journey. Living here does have reward, hon. Just look into the beautiful little eyes of those precious babies who get to call you grandma. They are worth enduring the hardships. I love my grandson so very much. He's a hanndsome little guy who looks so much like his mom. If I'm ill, I gotta take care of myself for him. He needs his grandpa. He went without me for the first few years, and I'll never be able to make up for what we lost. First steps, first food, his first words, I missed all that. I won't miss these with my second grandbaby. I'm going to be as close as possible for all of it. Hon, take it easy on yourself. You always have a friend, and always have someone you can talk to. I'm here for you. luv ya like a sister, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thank you for saying such things. Under the stress I've felt lately, I almost, but didn't. I just can't. I think of my grandson, of my children, of my dear friends here. I just can't ruin my life for something so stupid. I was never a guy who could only have one, so I know better than to have that one. Thank you for your support. Going through all you do with and for your children, while it isn't easy by any stretch, I'm proud of how much you really are doing. Few could do that much without crumbling. You're a terrific mom. I have had this picture that your daughter is very close to dad, so if I dare ask, is there an uncle, especially on his side, who she might be able to cuddle with and cry on so she can begin to cry herself out? Notice I didn't say anything like this about your son? Girls are much easier to raise than boys. Children are also more emotionally explosive than adults. They can bottle things up, but when they let it go, watch out. It's all coming out at once. Please, Laura, never feel like you overload me, or that any complaints you have become a problem for me. It's my complaints that are an issue. I sometimes whine on like a schoolboy, and you are welcome to anytime tell me to grow up. It's that I feel so scared and insecure in all that I'm going through, and in the face of losing her. Sometimes, I don't feel like I have the strength to get through this one. Please do take very good care of yourself. My most sincere prayers and thoughts are always with you and your children. If I can ever be of any help, you have only to ask. I know I owe you an email, which I'll try to write later on. for now, a hug for a dear friend, from Me

[lauraa]

Mark,

You are a good dada, papa and hubby......don't forget friend! The girls on the other site where I post are all talking about going our and shakin' their "Hineys"....just to go out and forget about all our stuff for awhile. lol. So, go play some music and shake your hiney and maybe some of those kids will join you........comic relief, hehehe!

Christy and Mary Jo, You guys should shake your hineys, too! Wouldn't our love ones be laughing their heads off at us all........better yet, we can shake our hineys together with them when we are all together again......see, I knew I could get you all to laugh....it is possible.......ya!

[kagansmommy]

Actually Laurra, I came from a family of dancing fools. Thats all my son knew growing up and he's still a dancin' fool. I'm too old and fat now. But let me tell ya I used to tear up the floor. My ex played in a band and we were dancing every friday and saturday night. Me and my sister-in-law used to win every dance contest we could get into. But the 'ol hiney don't shake so well anymore.

We do go dancing now and again. I love to watch my son holding my grand daughter and slow dancing with her. Makes me cry every time.

Yes Mark I know I have my 2 babies to think about. It's just so hard at times. I hate it when I get so down that even the thought of them doesn't help me.

Today has been a better day. Peter and I got out of the house for a while and just "hung out" at the book store. It was kind of nice it being just the two of us. Take care of you and Mary. I'll try to take better care of me.

I love you guys~!!

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[rodless]

Laura, One big dance in heaven, huh? The next time someone asks what they can do for me I'm gonna tell them to hike up there and tell Rod it's time to come home. Have a good one... Mary Jo

[rodless]

That last post from me didn't sound very good - I know very well Rod's at home in heaven. I just miss him really bad today. Mary Jo

[kagansmommy]

Mary Jo, there wasn't anything wrong with your post. I understand what you mean. I am always telling Kagan that he has played long enough and now it's time to come hime. But like you said, they are at home now and they are waiting for us. I would never want Kagan back on this earth the way he was and I know he's happy and healthy now but my God I miss him so bad. I know he is excited for Mommy to be there with him but not a moment sooner than I need to be. My Dad is taking care of him and I am trying to take care of me until I get to Heaven's playground. I hope your husband has found my little boy. My Dad is probably exhausted trying to keep up with him. Take care of yourself and never feel bad for missing someone you love. Everyone hear understands the frustration and anger. Sometimes it help to voice that anger...or type it.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Mary Jo....I think we should all march up there and tell them all to get their butts homs....don't you? Just kidding...lol! I miss them all so much.I think there are so many triggers that we experience while going thru this nightmare of grieving. Changing of the seasons is one for me, especially this time of year.......not to mention all the damn anniversaries and all the little day to day things that just meant so much to us. The hugs, kisses, phone calls, family time, etc.......I miss it all and I never ever took one moment for granted....Just remember our love ones are closer to us than our own hearts! I have had so many things validate to me that my husband is still with me and I know all your love ones are all of you,too! We will all help one another thru this so let's take one day at a time...Bless you all!

[rodless]

Any of you read a book called Lessons from the Light? Think I first saw it mentioned somewhere on this site. I just finished it... gave me a lot to think about. Also did Hello From Heaven. Maybe I'm just reaching for something to hang onto but I do think we get contacted and comforted from beyond.... and I know Rod's with me in spirit, it's seeing his smile and hearing his voice that I really miss. Pictures and memories don't always cut it. Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Laura, I hadn't really said this, but I did go out. I was in Jersey to see Stevie Nicks. A truly fantastic show. She shared the stage with Derek Trucks. Go have a good time, girl. You need it. You deserve it. If I try to shake something, I may just end up hospitalized. I know I'm the youngest kid in this classroom, but somedays I do feel like I need that Geritol too. hehehe. With all I've had going on here, I've had little time to talk with you about your chair. Even now, we're running one aide short, so I get to pick up the slack (oooo, I like that word somedays). If I happen to get into the fog of my own stuff and forget, don't feel silly about calling to yell at me. I'm very forgetful. Now, go have fun, but please try to behave yourself. tee hee. hugs, Me

[lauraa]

Mark,

I am so glad you went out to a concert....I know what you mean about shakin' to much and being hospitalized, lol......I pulled my backout yesterday, took one muscle relaxer last night and it is the thing kickin' my behind..........that is so good you went out and being a musician yourself thought it was great. Don't worry about your memory, your talking to me, the one who sometimes doesn't know if she is coming or going....my kids tell me they really think I am loosing it sometimes.....I tell them....it's a small brain with to much information, lol! Have a good nite and sleeeeeeeep.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, oooo, the bookstore. There's those big chain stores here, but downtown, we have one with a little cafe, and people go in to sit and read the paper. I like the news from Paris or The Jerusalem Post (you know me, speaking so many languages). It's good to have our families. The little ones are always so sweet, so full of hugs. My grandson is such a pistol, calling me just to tell me "I love you, Grandpa". The best call I can get. When you feel down, and not well at all, please never be afraid to write a long email to me, or call me. I'm always here for you. You're so close, my own sister isn't nearly as close. Please get plenty of rest, and be sure to do what doctor says. I want you to be as healthy as possible. luvs, hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

MaryJo, Hello From Heaven is like a classic to us who lose or will soon lose the one we love. I have one, "God Knows You're Grieving". It's great to read. I've believed that God doesn't get angry at us while we're grieving if we say something that may not be completely meant. We have such a flood of emotions, it's not easy to deal with them. Hang onto anything you need, as long as it's safe, so you don't get hurt. Some try things like drugs, or bad relationships. Just be safe. Please. I don't want you hurt. I'll be here tomorrow, so with a hug, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, you're going . . . to sleep. Tomorrow, you'll be coming to the kitchen to begin the day all over. Please take care of your back. I'm sorry you pulled it out. What am I gonna do with you? Maybe we'll just have to sign you up for a massage, and hot towels on your back. Good nite. Moi

[kagansmommy]

I get down and out sometimes and think I can't do it another day. Then I come home to voice mail from Dacey, in her sweetest angel voice possible, saying "I love you Mamaw, I love you Papaw" usually followed with a "I wanna go to Mamaw's house~!! She loves coming out here. With all the stuffed ducks, geese, raccoons, deer, squirrels and many fish it's like going to the oo. And she flips over Kagans frog pond. We have about 30 frogs that stay out all the time and the gold fish have about 50 or so babies. It's a full house in the ol' frog pond. All those tiny little precious blessings add up to one great big miracle.

Dawson is just a stinker and wants to play with the trucks. You know boys and that engine they are born with. He drives for miles when he's here.

Take care everyone. Have a blessed evening.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"