I Believe in God...

[kagansmommy]

Dear Messenger, I too am from Indiana and also have lost a child. I'm in south central Indiana. Please feel free to email me anytime at Kagansmommy@aol.com if you would like to talk.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm sorry to be sticking my nose into some place where it may not belong. I am so deeply sorry that a friend who you have grown to care for and trust and confide in would opt for ending your friendship rather than dealing with the issues at hand that brought about such a development.

If you got an email from me that made little or no sense, I had a couple of long nights without sleep. Please excuse such with my apologies. Someday I may learn how to sleep on a regular basis. Last night I got a serious scare. She had a tic, and during the shaking, she was too close to a window and almost went through it. So, I'm doing something about that today. If care management hears of this, they'll place her in the home permanently.

Take care of yourself, please. We're always here for ya. Praying for you, Me

[erinnzmom]

Lauraa,

I'm sorry your friend disappointed you. Sometimes when we go through tough times we find out who our true friends are. You can count on us to be here for you. Even though I have not lost my spouse and can not know how you feel about that. I do know that my best friend of 20 + years picked a fight with me 2 weeks after my daughter died and told me she couldn't trust me and that she didn't know if she could ever be friends again,,talk about a double whammy, losing my daughter, my best friend and my closet other best friend. You are not alone and if you want to email me I'd gladly email you my phone number and you could call anytime. I'd be here for you. Not for someone who has walked in your shoes but someone who cares about you. After tomorrow nite I'll be on vacation for 12 days!

Hugs and Prayers

Love

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Mark,

That must have been pretty scary with Mary last night. I am so sorry for all of your and Mary's suffering. I've been sending extra prayers for you both. You have been such a comfort and inspiration to me. Have you been taking care of yourself? Remember Jennifer and Erinn are up there together no pain, no memory of the pain. They will be waiting for us when it is out time to go. With all your babies up there you and Mary will have quite the welcoming committee. I remember you saying that Jen must be having fun playing with her siblings, it makes me smile to think of it. Hang in there. I know that Mary knows that she is loved, your love for her comes shining through in every word that you speak of her. I'm praying for peace and strength for you. and peace and freedom from the pain for Mary. Good night my friend. May God hold you both in his hands tonight.

Hugs and prayers

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

Mark,

No sir, I wasn't offended by your email at all....just haven't had time to respond the way I want without rushing thru and not saying what I would like thoroughly....I hope you get that.....I will write back as soon as I can.....I know about those worries of injuries and the lack of sleep that puts you in lala...land. You don't ever have to apologize to me, ever! Remember, we are all united here, a brother and sisterhood! I don't know where I would be if it were not for your support and everyone else on here.....my lonliest moments have been shared with you and all of friends here.Take a deep breathe, and truely only take one breathe at a time......You need to let it all out here so we can all lift you my friend......if you are anything like me at all, then I know how difficult it is to ask for the help you need.....just ask, o.k.

Laurie,

Thank you for your support...it means so much to me to be validated about my friendship falling out. One truely doesn't know who our friends are until we are faced with our worst nightmares. I know myself and I know the person I am and I would never do anything to hurt another, ever.....so I know this came from selfishness on her part and I need to let it go as it is taking so much energy from me at this difficult time. My therapist says, we can still love someone and not be friends....that is so true. I hope you are doing good and I really thank you for responding to me.I will write again when I can.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thanks. You're simply the greatest friend in the world - just had to say that. I finally went back to the loss of adult child thread, after being away since last year sometime. I think the only word is "overwhelmed". Please do exactly what you said, write "when" you can. Not before. Get some rest. Sleep in. Let your kids make their own breakfast (how about making them serve brunch in bed for mom?), and don't do a thing all day. You deserve a day of rest, kiddo. And, yes, Laura, my dear friend, you have me pegged perfectly. I have this little "issue" about asking for help. My kids tell my I'm stubborn. Do I get it from them? hehehe. I'm really more afraid of what can happen (the past still haunts). Take care of yourself, my dear friend. I'm praying for you, worrying about you, and thinking of you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, thank you for such a sweet thought. I hope our girls are behaving up there, but then, there's not much mischief to get into in Heaven. Do you think Erinn is helping Jenni babysit all her sibbies? She's got enough to make it a full time job; eleven are in Heaven, or that's how many we lost to miscarriage. We know Christiana, Cassandra and Chantelle, so we have a feeling most are girls (oh boo hoo). I know my wife hates the pain, so I won't ask her to stay when it's time for her to leave. She wants out, so she can be free. If she's in Heaven, she'll be with the rest of our children, and happy. I can watch the kids we have here. Enjoy your holiday (er, vacation). Someday, I'll learn how to speak Americsn. hehehe. Have a great time. We look forward to your return. Stay safe, and above all, Katie, have a blast! see ya's soon. luv ya'll, all of us.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Christy, Good to see ya, girl! Thank you for the photos of your grandbabies. They are sooooooo beautiful! Yeah, I know, here we go swapping grandbaby pics. hehehe. luv ya, me

[lauraa]

Hi guys,

I will try and take your advice to rest and do nothing but I can't....I am trying to get my house re-organized with 3 teenagers...well one is 21 but acts like a 16 y.o. My husbands passing has pushed him back alittle....alot! He was always the one who was handful.....I am having my house painted and it has taken 5 weeks now...the painter and I had it out last week and he wanted me to pay him the balance when the job wasn't finished..He threatened me that he was going to get his attorney....wow, I don't think he even thought I could get that any. Well, a couple days after that he called me to apologize and he wanted to make it all right and I wouldn't have to pay him one cent until the job was to my satisfaction......Imagine he said I was right and he was wrong...wow! He knew I was single and was taking total advantage of my situation which if I open myself up to.....always happens...that is why I keep my world small....not a bad thing! Anyhoo, he is coming tomorrow so we can go over my punch list and he will "crap his britches" when he knows I have taken pictures of his coverups and also documention. He should never have under-estimated the power of a woman, especially, not knowing me and my situation! So today I will just weed wake and do laundry.....and, I will try and take a walk first or else it is tough to get it in.

Hope you all slept well last night and today will bring you all many blessings...in cases I think we need to just look for the small things. I have alwayas believed to, expect nothing and then everything is a blessing!

Mark, I think Mary is surely worn out with everything she has had to carry, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I know you have been a HUGE support for her and your love is deep. Mary knows that, too! I think she worries about what all this stress is doing to you. So, when she is getting the nursing care she needs it is so important for you to put on the brakes and rest knowing that is what would make her happy...If you are anything like me (type A) it is hard for you to do that. I use to ask myself what it would take to stop me....now I know! Loosing my husband was like being run over by a MAC and left for dead and all the while looking a 3 other human beings that needed me to help them get along thru this process. I was in your shoes taking care of my husband and I know the heartache...I wish I would of put on the brakes back then to just sit and talk to him without anyone around which was difficult to do.....I know now that he is with me and I know exactly what he would say about anything and everything. He knows how much I love him and I know the depth of his love....when we are in each others souls there need not be any words.

I hate the fact that at this stage of the game with me, it feels like everyone around me has forgotten and they go on as if nothing has happened to me just because they see me going about my business.....It is a hollow feeling inside of me and a feeling that makes me feel so left out in this world. I can see things for what they really are and can't say that I like it much.....Everything is driven by money and it is ruining our world and people.

WOW, well that is my thought provoking feeling of the day.

Everyone, take it easy today or as my husband would say kidding, "take it sleazy".....

[starchild]

Good Morning Family! It's good to be home. So first giving honor and praises to my highest power who's been better to me than I've been to myself.

I had a blessed time at my sisters crib. Spending time with her, her family and my grandfather was medicine I needed. He's a celebrity down there. Still lucid, gets around on his own and reads his bible every morning. Just now with a magnifying glass. Only glitch was on the way back. The greyhound bus broke down and was 4 hours late to Columbia, so I had to reschedule my flight out of Charlotte and sleep in the airport. It became an adventure. And I'm very proud of my sons, they held the house down for me and were all in one piece when I got back.(smile)

Laura: I'm sorry about your dissapointment with your friend and the other isuues that others are trying to impose on you. But I'm glad to hear your strength is still in effect. People don't understand how the losses have toughened us up, do they? Maybe they don't deserve you....But pray for them anyway. The spiritual solutions always work for the best.

Mark: I can't leave you alone for a minute. I glad to hear that Mary is alright. That episode sounded crazy and I'm so sorry that she has to suffer through them like that. Please take care of yourself, okay? God is tapping you on the shoulder, and he's trying to tell you something, stop being hard headed and listen.

As usual I hope everyone finds some measure of peace today and my prayers are for all of us who still mourn. I missed you all. Till then, be blessed. Luv Ya

[messenger]

DEAR KAGANSMOMMY.............I AM FROM THE SOUTHERN PART OF INDIANA ALSO...SOUTH OF BLOOMINGTON...I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR OF THE LOSS OF YOUR LITTLE ONE...IF YOU WANT TO WRITE ME...MY ADDRESS IS LOVEISANGELS74@SBCGLOBAL.NET...I WOULD BE GLAD TO TALK WITH YOU AND HELP YOU IN ANY WAY..........MAY THE LORD FILL YOUR HEART WITH PEACE...........I KNOW YOU AND ALL ON HERE ARE HURTING AND I FEEL BAD FOR EACH ONE OF YOU..MY HEART GOES OUT TO EVERYONE...........IT IS SO VERY HARD TO LOSE A CHILD...SOME OF US ARE STRUGGLING WITH MORE PROBLEMS..HOPEFULLY WE ALL CAN HELP EACH OTHER..THAT IS WHY THE GOOD LORD PUT US ON THIS EARTH......AND THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE..GOD BLESS YOU.................MESSENGER

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, what on earth do you mean? Never underestimate the power of a woman? Never! I'd get my butt kicked. I'm too smart for such a foolish idea as that. 'sides, I think it's more fun treating a lady with respect. From your description, I almost think I know this contractor, or his twin??? hehehe. Remember the first rule of our grieving - we all must allow each other the right to grieve in their own way. This means that if your 21 year old flips those numbers for a few years, and becomes 12, it's okay. Maybe not socially appropriate in all settings, but it's cool. Being mom is a full time job and then more, but you're also helping your children through their grieving. Sometimes I wonder if you're trying to do far more than is humanly possible. Please take it easy, and if you can, toss the Type A into park, then go do something for Laura. You deserve some time just for you. Our little type A's will get us both into mischief one of these days. Hopefully, not at the same time. Someone has to bail me out. Go have some fun, and don't leave any doughnuts where that painter can reach them. Talk soon, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, about all I can say is, sowwweeee. I didn't mean to. Gee, now I feel like the little boy who took the last cookie from the cookie jar. hehehe. Thank you though, and mostly for calling me hardheaded. As long as I behave (so difficult) and eat and drink and rest, I feel okay. There's a lot of stress now, but I'm muddling through it. This is the month I learned of Jennifer - long story. We're also having serious issues with my sweetie. It's too soon for increasing her pain meds, but she's not getting enough pain control. It's going to be a stressful week. I'll let you know more later in the week, when we get answers from the doctor. I'm happy your trip was a good time with your grandfather. I'm sorry to hear your flip trip got a bit buggy. These little issues and setbacks are such things that may try some souls, but give others a refreshing break to read a good book, write a letter or two, even call family and friends. Talk more later, Mark

[kagansmommy]

Dear Messenger, I am also from south of Bloomington. I sent you an email but wanted to touch base here too in case you missed my email.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[messenger]

KAGANSMOMMY,,,WOW...HOW STRANGE IS THAT..SOMEONE UP THERE IS PUTTING US IN TOUCH WITH EACH OTHER...I SENT A LONG EMAIL YOUR WAY..HAVE A BLESSED DAY..MESSENGER

[lowalz]

lauraa~

I know what you mean about feeling alone~ I think part of it is really me though, isolating myself- I know that I don't want to be around anyone that reminds me of my mom- or that wants to talk about my mom~ it is just too painful for me right now. I try to hide my grief so as not to burden those around me. It is easier for me to isolate myself than try to find the strength to cover up my sadness. I hope in time this will pass, but that is really where I am at right now!~

Lori

[lowalz]

Mark-

Just know that you and your wife are im my prayers~ my heart goes out to you~

Lori

[kagansmommy]

Messenger, It is so amazing that we found each other. Not only because we live only about 20 miles apart but that I knew your son personally. I have always heard that God works in mysterious ways and I think this is one of those times.

Mark, My prayers go out to you and Mary. I know this is as hard on you as it is her. Thanks for the pic of your grandson. Our "babies" aren't babies anymore.

Doo and Tiff have been talking about having another one. Raising 3 kid's in this world is hard but I find myself getting excited. I didn't get to experience all the fun stuff when she was pregnant with Dacey and Dawson. If they do have another one then her mom is out of luck with this delivery. I want to be a part of the miracle with at least one of my grand kid's. Is that too much to ask? I didn't think so~!! :>)

Love and prayers to you all~!!

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi kids, thanks all for your prayers. It's been a loooooong day. My wife is in hospital, and so far the docs aren't sure what's going on. At 8 pm, they were asking me questions pointed at heart failure or the dystrophy turning fatal, but they were testing for a blood infection. The way a person usually dies from this is heart attack or failure, a stroke, or suicide from intolerance to the horrible pain. Suicides make up about half of the deaths in this dystrophy, buy these people would eventually die of something else down the road. I was thinking last week was overwhelming, but then they hit me with this. Yeesh! Can't a screwball musician catch a break? hehehe. If this gets any worse, I'm going to run away and become a railroad bum, that is if I can get help getting my crippled butt on the Chattanooga Choo Choo.

Christy, I pray the kids have another just for you, so you can be there when they give birth. I'm praying for ya's! Maybe they'll let Grandma cut the cord? Oh, wouldn't that be fun! Not too much to ask, Christy. Make her hold off on the labor til you get there. riiiiiight! luv ya, sister.

Messenger and Christy, just curious, is there a GM factory anywhere near there? I drove for GM Canada, out of Oshawa, Ontario. I know the plants in MI and OH, but I vaguely recall a load of something in or near Bloomington for some reason. If the load were tires, they'd be BFG, cuz all my others originated in Canada. I know, stupid question, but I hear a town, and I remember being there.

[messenger]

ALWAYSMYJENNIFER...YES THERE IS A GM CLOSE..IN BEDFORD!!! GOOD MEMORY!!I ONLY SLEPT FOR 3 HOURS AND IT IS SURE SHOWING IN MISTAKE!!!..HAD TO TYPE OVER A LOT

CANT KEEP MY EYES OPEN..........MY ADVICE...IS TO LET GO AND LET GOD........IN YOUR SITUATION....HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATH .....

LET US KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU BESIDES PRAY...

MESSENGER

[lauraa]

Mark,

I will be praying for Mary and all of you today....your all in my daily thoughts always! I know you are on top of everything. Let go and let god as they say, we really aren't the decision makers here.

Please pray everyone for my oldest son..he has been sick since Feb.and lost 40 lbs. with alot of stomach stuff, he will have an upper and lower GI friday to tty and get to the root of things.

Thanks for all of your support...seems things never let up sometimes!

Love you all!

[erinnzmom]

Mark,

I am praying for strength and peace beyond understanding for you and Mary today, I know that your angels are around you both. I pray that Mary is pain free. You've both had such a long and painful journey. I wish that there was more that I could do. Just know that you are in my thoughts my friend.

Sending hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always ErinnzMom

[erinnzmom]

Lauraa,

Will be praying for you and your son. I hope that they found out what is wrong and that it is easily repaired. Your right there is always something.

Sending hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

Laurie,

Thanks for your support for my son. I am worried about him. He is so cranky and irritable and very difficult to be around him. Seems all his stress is released verbally at me....I am walking away and trying to just help him get thru this...it ain't easy! He is a ball of nerves and now doesn't want to go anywhere socially in feat of getting the "hershey swirts" and not making it to the bathroom....friday we will have the test and know more. Meanwhile the doctor put him on an antibiotic as he thinks he could have a bad infection....I am not to crazy about antibiotics but in this case it may not be a bad idea. We will just follow up with probiotics to re-establish the good flora in his gut........I hope it all works out.

Today I found out that that crazy house painter I have filed a claim against me in small claims court.....because I didn't pay him the balance....I said to him for not paying you for a job you did not finish....hello! Not the brightest bulb....

Mark, I continue to keep you and your family in my daily thoughts and prayers. I had a quick and very stressful day so I will write when I can....lots of issues, legal stuff, my son not feeling well, everyone gearing up for the start of school, doctors appts., physicals....I am a beat little puppy tonight.

Lori, thank you for writing me and I will respond when I have more time and not so stressed out. I don't understand why people have to be so self absorbed, otherwise selfish, especially in our grieving. Keep your chin up and remember the stars are porch lights welcoming our love ones home....waiting til we are together again.......

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sorry I couldnt be here last night. Too upset. The doctors called me the am to tell me she has another disease on top of the dystrophy. Half of the people with it die, but adding the dystrophy . . . if she can leave the hospital, she'll have to be in a nursing home; no coming home. I'm sick of this. I'll write more later. I hate tears. luv y'all, Me

[lowalz]

Alwaysmyjennifer-

I am so, so sorry- please know that you are not alone- you have all of us carrying you both in our hearts and prayers.

Hugs to you both~

Lori

[starchild]

Laura, Mark, I needed to share this with you after reading about your turn of events. I posted it back when Stanley passed. I can only only imagine your frustration with life right now. My heart goes out to you. Hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

Prayer of Faith

We trust that beyond absence

There is a presence

That beyond the pain

There can be healing

That beyond the brokenness

There can be wholenesss

That beyond the anger

There can be peace

That beyond the hurting

There may be forgiveness

That beyond the silence

There may be the "Word"

That beyond the Word

There may be understanding

That through understanding

There is love

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you always. I wish I could do more. As usual, PLEASE be good to yourselves, if only for today. Much Luv and X-TRA ((((Hugs)))

[messenger]

ERINNZMOM...WONDERING HOW YOU HAVE BEEN DOING THIS PAST WEEK...........?? SO GLAD THE ANGEL DAY WAS FILLED WITH PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MESSENGER

[erinnzmom]

Messenger,

Thank you for asking been doing pretty well. but the last couple of days have had a few Erinn moments crying and really missing her..Have let myself be in the moments.. and am on vacation and have been taking Katie and her friend on day trips and I've been visiting two of my best friends. One whom, I've just discovered recently. she lost her daughter 3 1/2 years ago. We are soul sisters. We have so much in common..and she was missing her daughter Jess today ,too.

When shopping today, I found the perfect windchime to put on Erinnz grave it has sun, moons and stars, I have the larger version and was looking for this brand and was told they didn't make a smaller version but I found it in an other store. Will be taking my ex husband to the cemetery Fri, he hasn't been since we buried her, and he hasn't seen the marker. Will also see my dad in the nursing home and visit with my mom. So extra prayers would be helpful on Friday. Thanks.

Hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[messenger]

LAURIE,,,GLAD TO HEAR YOU ARE DOING PRETTY WELL....WE ALL HAVE THOSE MOMENTS AND WE HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE THOSE....MOMENTS.............

I AM GLAD YOU ARE DOING THINGS AND VISITING WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS...SO YOU AND THE ONE FRIEND HAVE A LOT IN COMMON AND CAN BE OF GREAT HELP TO EACH OTHER..

YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT FINDING CHIMES AND BEING TOLD YOU COULDNT FIND SMALLER ONES LIKE YOU DID...REMINDED ME OF HOW MY MOM LOVED A STAIN GLASS I HAD OF AN ANGEL CARRYING A GIRL TO HEAVEN..WHEN SHE WAS HERE AND I WAS TAKING CARE OF HER...SHE LOVED IT SO MUCH I HAD IT PUT INTO HER STONE WHEN SHE DIED..IT TOOK ME SEVERAL MONTHS TO FIND ONE LIKE IT....I LOOKED EVERYWHERE AND ON MY FIRT BIRTHDAY WITHOUT HER....EXACTLY ONE WEEK AFTER HERS...I WAS IN NASHVILLE IND..IN A SMALL STORE..THEY WERE PLAYING AMAZING GRACE..WHICH THEY PLAYED AT HER FUNERAL AND I LOOKED UP IN THE WINDOW AND THERE IT WAS!!!!!! THE STAIN GLASS SHE LOVED SO MUCH.. I HAD GIVEN HER MINE AND HAD IT SET IN HER STONE AND WAS UNABLE TO FIND IT AGAIN..FOR 8 MONTHS!!!.......HER LETTING ME KNOW SHE WAS THERE ON MY BIRTHDAY...NEEDLESS TO SAY ..MADE ME CRY........

I WILL BE LIFTING YOU UP ON FRIDAY. LAURIE...I PRAY GOD WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE STRENGTH THAT YOU NEED ON THAT DAY..YOU HAVE A LOT OF PLANS AND PEOPLE TO SEE THAT DAY.....................YOU ...WILL...BE FINE...TRUST ME

MESSENGER

[lauraa]

Laurie,

My thoughts and prayers are with. I am so glad you have support and close friends to help thru your rough times.

Starchild,

Your poem/prayer was beautiful and made me cry...sad tears and hopeful tears...thank you!

Mark,

You please let me know what I can do in anyway to help you.I know you must be devastated even as much as you have tried to prepare for these times....I hate it for you and your family.....I will email you and I will be praying extra for you all.

[aprilsmom]

Sometimes this FAITH stuff is just too hard for me!!! I've been a Christian a long time and I know what the word says about being wimpy. Am I the only one here that has doubted the plan of salvation and everlasting life since my loss? Do any of you ever have my thought, "what if dead IS just dead"? I keep turning BACK to my faith and keep struggling forward but I weaken at times. Most of my friends say that they just KNOW; without a shadow of doubt, but they haven't lost anyone so I thought I'd ask here. I used to be a strong witness and I still do that; but I just don't get that THRILL anymore. How do I get it back?

Renee

[kagansmommy]

Renee, you are not alone on this one. I never really thought much about it until my Dad and Kagan died. Then it hit me one day. What if everything we have been told our entire lives wasn't true at all. What if there is no life after death. What if I never see my baby again. Sometimes I think about it until I think I am going to lose my mind. Kagan's Dad and I both have lost our faith in any kind of Religion. I look at Kagan's pictures and it breaks my heart to think I may never see him again. What was God thinking? Sometimes I feel like Kagan was disposable. It was miracle in many ways that I even had him and then God snatched him right out of my arm's. If he can be that cruel to an innocent child then why would he ever let me see him again? I talk to Kagan every day like he was right here with me. Sometimes I wonder if he is here at all.

So, I am definately right there with you on this one. I go to church occasionally and I just get angry so I don't go anymore. I don't know if I even want to believe in a God that would pluck an innocent child from this earth.

Please take care. I will be praying for us all.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[erinnzmom]

Renee and Christy,

I Believe now more than ever that there is a God! When Erinn died, I finally got it what a gift that God had given us. He sent His son to us and He died for us and let me tell you if my daughter had suffered like Jesus and I had the power to stop it. I WOULD HAVE DONE IT IMMEDIATELY! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO BAD WORLD! I'M SAVING MY CHILD! SHE MEANS MORE TO ME THAN YOU DO! SORRY BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS! On the way to the hospital on the day that Erinn died I heard a voice say in my head that she would be alright and I was filled with such peace and I can't explain it. It was peace beyond all understanding. You've got to understand that I had just been told that I needed to get to the hosptial that all my daughter's systems were shutting down. How do you explain that? It didn't stay, I grieved , I lost it when she died, but I had it to hang onto it. God's alright and my alright weren't the same things. I've had many signs, I've seen her in my dreams she was beaming and waving and I saw her beautiful smile which is one of the things that I regretted not seeing the day that she died. She also, came to me in a dream and held me and told me that she was with me and would always be with me..On Erinn's first angel day July 30 th this year a miracle happened! I was so dreading it..I was sick with the flu two days before it...I sent out prayer requests to everyone I knew. I awoke on the 30th with no fever, no aches no cough, I headed to the cemetery @ 04:30 am. I was crying and I said to Erinn how am I going to do this? Then I was filled with the same peace that I felt on the day she died, Erinn's marble marker 2 feet by 1 ft by 6 inches was crooked, my husband and I were unable to move it together the week before. I was able to move it all around..a little to the left a little to the right a little forward, Erinn was with me..I have since been back I can not budge it! When they die they are not just dead. I don't know why and we won't know until we get to Heaven. But I know that they are with Us! I know that they are not in pain! I know that God did not do this to cause us pain. Would I want our children back here with us. You bet! I've never been through anything like this pain! Do I still cry! Every morning when I go for my walk! The pain when we expect is bad but the unexpected ones, a song, a glimpse of someone that looks just like my daughter, can still bring me to my knees. I miss her so much! I am not a pollyanna! I truly believe what I've said.

Hugs and prayers

Love,

Laurie

AlwaysErinnzmom

[starchild]

To All the moms. First as usual I 'd like to give thanks to my highest power for another chance to give him praise. You took me right back to that moment when my faith was shaken to the core. My husband, the man who had spent the past five years listening to me preach of the goodness of the Lord, and how we had to stop living in sin and get right with God, and who called the family together and lead prayer for the first time on New Years Eve was dead two weeks later. He was skeptical of the strength of my beliefs and after he died, so was I. I couldnt believe that God would take him from me after I worked so hard to bring him to him. What was that about? Thank you, I'll take it from here.

It would have been really easy for me to give in to the enemy. All he wanted was my soul. I used to always post that I was juggling my faith, sanity and sobriety all at one time and couldn't afford to drop any one of them. Not if I wanted to remain in his saving grace and mercy to endure this. I know you've read "Footprints". If I didn't believe that Jesus carrying me through, I would be lost without a trace. Over the years I've deposited alot in my spiritual bank and when Stanley passed I made the serious withdrawl. His death devestated me and I had to have enough faith on hand to get me through because at any moment I could be tested again. And I could'nt promise that I was strong enough to handle anything else. But I learned it's easier to stay in faith than to lose it and try and get it back. Everyone here has lost someone that meant the world to us. But remember they meant even more to the one who gave them to us to begin with. That's why he saves a special blessing for us who mourn. He understands loss better than anyone. And he's got to look out cause he loves us too and he knows as much as we loved, that's how much we hurt.

Hope this day finds everyone at some measure of peace. Remember to be good to yourselves, if just for today and have a blessed weekend. Luv Ya.

[lauraa]

Renee,

I know what you mean. I am very angry at god. I have a very difficult time praying to god now for taking my husband and for all his suffering. I find that I pray more to my husband than I do to god. I am starting to talk to god now and asking, WHY! I know my husband is still with me...I feel him and I just know! Truthfully, I Don't believe in organized religion anymore...I have definitely changed my beliefs growing up catholic.....I needed to get rid of the guilt that was instilled in me thru their teachings....I did most things repititiously out of guilt because I thought if I didn't I was going to hell....that what we were taught....so, I guess there would be some "undoing to do".....I believe it is between me and god.....I hope he has broad shoulders because I am mighty pissed at him right now......I want to believe he comforts us who mourn. I do think our loved ones are with god, happy, pain free and back to their healthy state, waiting until the day we meet again.....I really, really do! I don't know if I will ever be the same again as far as being able to go to church.....I not crazy about what has happened with all the priest in the church and all the children who has suffered by them and had their lives ruined and all the while the higher ups coverd their tracks......so that is why I say anything institutionalized is corrupt...because it is about money......It is between me and god! I try my best to always do what is right.....from my heart. Always did! So, I guess that is why I am struggling so because I just can't accept loosing my husband the way I did and so untimely.....life has been a living hell ever since......I do hope god has broad shoulders. I hope that I am not being punished for anything I did or didn't do......I did do my best.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

First, thanks for all of you, who are all the support you are. My sweet, beautiful wife won't get to come home, but she'll be placed in a nursing home for the rest of her life.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, your precious tears are kept by God in bottles like gems for a very special day. When you walk through the gates of Heaven and see his handsome face, you'll understand. I promise you this. My wife and I will likewise be given something. We'll get to hold all of our children at one time. Oh, tears.

[aprilsmom]

Oh dang you Mark for making me cry. But he's right Laura......and we're all going to have one heck of a party and shake our heads saying we wouldn't want to go back and do THAT again. The word tells us to hold fast...thank all of you for the feedback and the courage to look up. One of my favorite scriptures is the one-"those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.......they shall walk and not be weary they shall run and not faint, teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait. Mark, you know the music to that right? It's been made into a song at almost every church I've ever been in. Well, I'm waiting and all of us are getting pretty good at it I think!

Take Care, Renee

[lauraa]

Renee,

That is one of my favorite scriptures, too! I even have it in a frame. I am sorry if I have brought anyone down here when I say how upset I am with god....I think it is part of our grieving......You know it has been 27 months for me and I still feel like I am in a hole. Today I feel worn out. I thought we were suppose to feel revived at the end of summer, ready to get on with another new yeat? On a scale from 1-10...I feel like about a 1 today....way to many worries. Maybe it was my anniversary this past week along with all the other stuff I have had to deal with.....I think I need Geritol...remember that? Maybe you better not answer that, it will give our ages away.

I hope you all have a good day....this is the best weather I can remember in a long time.

[rodless]

Thank you so much for the messages I just read on this forum. My belief in heaven has encountered doubts the last few days as I struggle to sense my husband's presence. Somedays I know he's with me, but this weekend he must have had to take care of someone else... or I was in such a frame of mind that nothing got through. Yesterday was definitely a 1 on Laura's scale - today I may be up to a 5.

I don't think organized church is always the answer (despite what my mother says!) I feel closer to God in the cemetary or watching the Gaither Homecoming Hour. People get in the way of church for me with all the chatting, hand shaking etc. I guess I was taught to "keep silent before him" when I entered a worship service and I wish all the fellowship stuff could be kept for coffee hour. I'm sure I will go back eventually as my church family has been wonderful, but for now I need to do it a different way.

Laura, I watched my husband struggle with his Catholic teachings before he died. He left that church almost 30 yrs ago but could not get over some of the things drilled into him. At the end with the help of a wonderful clergyman, he found peace. Aprilsmom, thank you for the scripture reminder. Patience has never been one of my stong points, but I will take that to heart. Mark, I have read your messages on different forums and have been praying for you and your Mary.

I think it is so good that we can talk about how we feel and not about how we think we SHOULD feel. This whole site is a source of comfort.

Mary Jo

[lauraa]

Mary Jo,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. Thank you for your support even though at the present I am not guns ahead for the church...that doesn'tmean at all that I do not have faith. I am angry and that is a tough emotion for me...one that I had to tuck deep away as a child growing up after our home caught fire and my younger brother died in it....I carried alot of guilt my entire life because I didn't get to him in time to pull him out and anger for the way my mom treated me as her only daughter thru-out that time and always....anger scared me, I guess I witnessed alot of it and freightened me so that I had to buried deep inside. It took me many years to overcome that and I had the love and support of my husband to do it....Now, I am doing it alone without him here to help me, and it is all anger surrounding his loss. Well damn, I think for one thing I am to tired to pray. Sometimes, it is all I can do to get thru the day and at night I crash when my head hits the pillow...I do wake alot thru the night so sometimes I wake up not feeling rested at all....then there are the days I go like gangbusters but I will pay for that the following day.....I just can't seem to get things caught up around here because life happens......Could you all pray for my son who has lost 45 lbs.and is having alot of anxiety....I think he might need something to help him along this path.

You all have a good nite and bless you all.

[messenger]

LAURAA...................I TOO AM SORRY TO HEAR YOU LOST YOUR HUSBAND.........SO HARD TO GO ON WHEN YOU ARE USED TO HAVING SOMEONE WITH YOU............I WILL BE GLAD TO PRAY FOR YOU..AND YOUR SON...IT IS VERY TRAMATIC FOR A CHILD TO LOSE A PARENT...I LOST MY DAD AT AGE 10 AND IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY..BEEN 41 YEARS NOW! YOU NEVER FORGET IT...I PRAY THE LORD WILL GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH YOU NEED FROM DAY TO DAY...MESSENGER

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I don't know if it's right to say it this way, but in Jazz, there's a saying; that music goes down like twelve year old Scotch, smooth and easy. Of course I know the music to it. It's in one of these (crashing noise) books. I swear, girl, I didn't mean to make ya cry. I was only trying to say something to help.

Well, I guess this is our weekend of stress at home. I started today with a migraine, and then I ran out of Imitrex. Oh, goodie. Phone call to doctor, who called in a scrip, and I feel better, but like I was dragged through Newark behind a 68 Buick. My son is feeling the stress of mom going into long term care, so he's feeling ill. We go about the house telling each other "we'll get through this". You'd be proud of the way our church has pulled together now. I'm inundated with phone calls, visits, so much that I have no time to get work done. But, I love them all soooooooo much. Are the feelings I get supposed to be this way? Am I supposed to feel relieved and free now? Or is this just a knee jerk reaction to all the exhaustion of caring for her? The pastor of our church told me we'll have more time together to enjoy our marriage now, because I'm not dragging myself exhausted across the floor trying to help her. We can have some fun, and let the pros take care of her. I like that. I also feel guilty and like Benedict Arnold, for not doing more for her. Someday, I'll email you a few wedding pics, so you can see us two silly kids head over heals in love. I may in time tell you about that time too. Just bring a drink so you have something for the pain when you begin laughing too hard.

I'll keep ya posted, girl. Try to stay out of trouble. When I get the ambition to go out that way to see Jenni's beach, I'll let you know. Not now, though. Too much to do. luvz & hugz, me

[aprilsmom]

Hi again, Thanks Laura for sharing some of your childhood; gosh, you are NOT a newcomer to grief at all. I had lost my mom when I was 20 and thought I'd never get over that...but with time it did soften and then having kids of my own, you know how busy we get. Yes, I remember geritol; I wonder what was in that stuff? The guy advertising it didn't look so hot! Okay, angry with God...hmm, I remember this one night pulling into the garage and shutting off my truck SCREAMING at Him: "You can do anything, so bring her here, bring her here right now, I promise I won't tell anybody, I just need to hold her for a minute, I Believe in you, I said I would PRAISE you in ALL things....I want her back, right NOW!" After He got done laughing at me, or crying with me I heard one small voice, "You're not ready"-----boy didn't that tick me off. No one knows us like He does so I'm sure He's not surprised at our thoughts. Our foundations are surely shaken; but our framework is still there and now we have to rebuild our lives...........God, we didn't want any of this..........but when I ask why us, I think, why NOT us? sorry, just rambling.

Take Care, Renee

[aprilsmom]

Mark, about that scotch......

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, um, Geritol? Trust me, girl, you ain't no where near any age where you'll be needing that stuff. Maybe a Marguarita, but not Geritol. This journey sends us all on a few tailspins now and again. You lost that handsome guy you love, and you have the right to be hurt, sad, angry, and a plethora of other assorted feelings that come along with our territory. Maybe we can blame this lovely weather we're getting now. I called my friend in Ottawa last night. It's warmer there than here. I'm going home. Whatever the reason, I know two things. You have friends here who will stay by your side through this, and you will get through this. I can guarantee you both of these. We'll help you through this Laura. If you need anything, or just need to vent, you may call anytime day or night. If I'm in hospital, or in a meeting, I may need to call you back, but I will. Get some rest, and know that it's okay to be upset at the way things are. Even Job was angry with God. Did God punish him for it like it was a sin? No. He gently let him see all of God's love, but in due time. I'm praying for you. Always. Me.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

you know I gave that up in 1980, so yer on yer own, kiddo. tee hee.

[rodless]

Laura,

Your son is on my list of prayers. I used to have a magnet on my frig that said "A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child." That's hard to deal with when you're struggling with so many emotions yourself. I have problems with anxiety (which always goes to my gut) and I have a 29 yr. old son who is much the same. We both spend so much time worrying about tomorrow that we don't handle today... like rats in a cage going round and round. So.... we're both on paxil. Low doses, but it does the trick. I also understand the anger bit. As a child I was never allowed to raise my voice or be anything but nice so I never learned that anger is an accepted emotion until I went through support groups after my divorce. At least through this I know it's ok to be mad at my husband, God, the world, whatever.... Hang in there!! Mary Jo

[lauraa]

Mary Jo,

Thank you for your support and you are so right about being happier than your unhappiest child...even though he is 21. I just got an appt. with a doctor for him to see next Thursday....but until then we are taking it one day at a time. He is really suffering with this anxiety. I do know what he is going thru. I don't think you grieve without having to deal with that. If someone has never had to deal with it then they couldn't possibly know how horrible a thing it is......thank you for putting him on your prayer list....As for me I have to go and put my little head on my pillow before I fall over with exhaustion............good nite, sleep tight, ya'll.