I Believe in God...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, yer a wise woman. I'm praying for you, sister, through all the sad days, good days, days when the boat motor won't start (drift fish). When the forces seem to line up against you, just remember that the Spirit of God within you is more powerful than all those forces combined. After all, kiddo, didn't He create everything? luv ya, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, you have a special way of doing that, asking about songs. Thank you. Hmmmm, inspirational? I'm currently recording a cd of bluesy hymns, and "My Jesus, I Love Thee" is really cool. I'm even tossing in a harmonica part in the middle 8. Honestly, when I start playing, I just keep on playing. It's more like a concert than a song, and for a friend like you, I'd love playing every note of it. We're doing okay. My wife took a couple days off from the nursing home cuz I injured my back, and now I can't even take a step or put any weight on my feet. Past that, we're doing alright. My youngest son is camping with his aunt and uncle, having a blast with his cousins. I want him to have time away from here so he can experience something in life other than his parents' illnesses. He's a great kid, and I'm proud of him. My wife's insurance approved her new powered wheelchair, which is now an absolute necessity. We have one, but with a new one, she'll get to enjoy more of living in it, and getting out in it. I pray you and your family are all well and enjoying the warmth of summer. I'm always here for you, my friend. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, we grow up facing a set of issues that shape our character and our emotional responses for much of our lives. What many people don't know is, our character can be reshaped by new circumstances, positive or negative, and these can have a profound impact on our emotional wellbeing. Look for positive influences, good things, and maybe even a new color scheme for your home that is pretty and happy. As sorry as I am you can't have Stanley with you, I want you to know that we're always here for you, your friends, to care, to listen, to help you all we can. Try to get the rest you need, and take care of yourself. It's okay for us adults to hug a teddy bear. If you want, stop off on your way to work and get that special cup of coffee. Go shopping for outrageously expensive shoes, and even if you don't buy them, just have fun "window shopping". Use these silly ideas to do something that can make you tell yourself that you are worth more than the whole world, because you ARE. With a prayer for what you need, and a hug, Mark

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone~!! I just got back from taking Peter to get an MRI. He tore the rotator cuff in his right shouler...of course it would be his casting arm. The doctor will get the results tomorrow am and they might do surgery as soon as monday morning. So if you would, say a little prayer for him. He tries to come off like a tough guy but deep inside he's just a big sissy and scared to death.

I hope everyone is doing ok today. All my prayers~

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, awwwww, the soft side of us guys. We just need that lady who owns our heart. As if you didn't know this??? hehehehe. Lord, watch over Peter through this ordeal, heal his broken bones, and mend his precious wife's broken heart. Christy, it ain't no fun to boo boo the casting arm. That's a total bummer. Let us know how he's healing. luv ya, hugs, Me

[erinnzmom]

Well everyone I just deleted my long post by trying to edit it.

So let's try this again.

Mark,

I'm sending you healing prayers for your back injury. I'm glad that Mary got a new powered chair. Do they have it in racing red?

I'm glad that your youngest is having fun camping.That new cd that you're working on... I'm thinking that your BI friends should be getting a copy..

Christy am also sending healing prayers to Peter, and hope his surgery goes well.

Starchild,

I think that Mark had a good idea..retail shopping, and painting the walls a happy color. How about some jewel toned throw pillows. Just know that we're praying for you and your kids.

Thank you all for the prayers for Jordynnes birthday party. I will get through it.I've decided what I'm going to do on Erinnz angel day, my friend, Rhiannon, who took her vacation so that she'd be here for it, She was in Florida last year when it happened. We'll be going to her marker at sunrise, say a few prayers and release a Happy Angel day baloon; then we'll go to church and Katie wants to do something fun so we'll go to the beach. Sounds like a busy day right?

Hugs and prayrs,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

Hi all my friends,

I want you all to know I have you all in my heart and will pray for you all this week.....I am heading to the ocean for some quiet time and taking my kids(did I say quiet time)....we have not been away for 6 years and I decided it was time to regroup and get away.I can't tell you how excited my kids are. I am going to be meditating alot and I am sure alot of tears will be shed by me as I have so many memories of my husband where we are going.......It is so bitter/sweet. I hope you all have a wonderful week!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, have a happy time with your kids, girl. I'm praying for a safe ride, a good time, and even a little comfort when you cry. My thoughts are with ya. hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, Oh, these go buggies can be had in just about any color in the rainbow. My chairs are painted crazy; chartreuse, purple, magenta, and one that flips from purple to blue, oh, and one in gray (business suit??? hehehe). I think I can let you kids have a copy of my cd. Why not? I'll let you know when it's mastered and duped (ie, finished and recorded in multiples). Thanks for the prayers, my dear friend. The whole mess is worse than I expected. Yesterday, I was in emergency for seizures. The cause is yet unknown. I'm okay with this, as long as I can still function to play my music and care for my wife when she's home. I love the additional ideas you had for Starchild. How about beads? I love beads, but I'm a total hippie. hehehe. luvz, prarz, Me

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

Well I survived Jordynne's ninth birthday party! It wasn't easy. I went to their apartment and there is no trace of my daughter there. It hasn't even been a year. No pictures of the 3 generations, no recent pictures of Katie and Jordynne. It's like they erased us. None of Erinnz stuff, except for the furniture..It hasn't even been a year..The girlfriends family was there, her mom, dad, aunt, uncle and sister. I'm glad for Jordynne but it made me very uncomfortable..I won't be doing that next year..I've decided that we'll have our own birthday celebration at our house..There were tons of people there, so it wouldn't have mattered if we hadn't shown up. Maybe that sounds hard, but..I held it together until after the cake was cut and then I went to the back of the building under a tree and cried..My daughter, should be there!! Thanks for listening.

Hugs and prayers to all.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[aprilsmom]

Oh Laurie- NOW is the perfect time to call your son-in-law and say, "gee, I noticed everything is put away, can I please have it since it brings you heartache? I will put it away FOR the GIRLS!" Otherwise, believe me, it will end up at the Goodwill or someone's garage sale!! We had a shoebox full of little frogs that April had collected and at our garage sale I saw a little girl eyeing them so I went over and asked her if she liked frogs and she just grinned from ear to ear. I told her they were free for just her. It felt so good to just have the OPTION to touch others with something special of hers. But that's just it, as her MOTHER, you deserve her personal items; and especially pictures since he doesn't want to look at them. Renee

[mamabets]

For Erinnzmom~ I love you and am so sorry that as you gathered strength, you were hurt by what you found, or didn't find, at the party!! I will place a beautiful treasure in the garden tomorrow, just for you and Erinn, OK? I see on your profile that you do quilting... My Danny's girlfriend made me a quilt from some of his clothes. It is "MY BLANKIE" and I snuggle with it, as ever fiber of it was once touched by him. It brings GREAT comfort- Perhaps there is a way to do this?? xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Aprilsmom~ I love you!! xoxomamabets

[starchild]

Good Morning Everyone; First giving praise to my highest power for the blessings of another day.

Erinnzmom; Wow...It took courage to pull that off. You know under pressure you find out alot about a person when they have to think about someone other than themselves. And now your grandbaby knows a mothers unconditional love.And what side of the family she gets her strength from.(smile) So never think that your visit was a waste, sounds like you accomplished more than you realize. While I know that it wasn't easy for you not to see any reminders of you daughter in his place, your son-in-law is doing what works for him to move on. You know in his heart that he can't forget Erinn. You and Jordynne are constant reminders of what they shared. At least now you can focus on how you plan on keeping Erinn alive in her daughters life. She was there and I know she's proud of you. Also thank you for the suggestions. It's funny because I had just treated myself to a ipod a couple of weeks ago and it felt GOOD to think about me for a change. Take care of yourself, if only for today and keep your head to the sky. My prayers for your continued progress. Luv

[erinnzmom]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I didn't feel very strong yesterday..in fact I felt very fragile..My son-in-law won't let me have any thing of my daughter's. I made this beautiful butterflies and fairies quilt for my daughter..He promised that I could have it..but he has since decided that Jordynne needs to have it. I told him that I'd just like to wrap up in it and feel like she was hugging me..but he didn't or wouldn't get it..I've decided to make a quilt with fairies and angels for myself..haven't quilted since Erinn died. I did buy some material and I'm getting the urge..Thank you, mammabets, for placing something beautiful in your garden for Erinn and me. I love all you guys..God steered me in the right direction when I found this site.

Hugs and prayers.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, you have something nobody can ever take from you. You brought Erinn into this world, you raised her, and you gave her all the mommy love that nobody can ever do. Now, you share you mother's love with Katie, so precious a gift. Are you going to share the quilt making with her? I can see you two now. Don't let the selfish indulgence of one cast your heart to the ground. What you have is far greater. I'm praying for you. hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I pray those little things, even the ipod, help lift your heart up. Our prayers are always with you, through the day, for peace and hope, and for what you need for the day. Are you surviving the heatwave okay? This is a bit crazy. Take care of yourself, okay. Hugs,prayrs,Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, Laurie, you are both moms, and Renee is right. You need to have something of theirs to hold. Yet, only you can say if it's worth fighting for what you get to hold in the end. Be at peace ladies. Be at peace. luv, hugs, Me

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone~!! I have totell you all what happened last night. I have been missing Kagan really, really bad the last couple of days. So last night I was laying on the couch watching a scary movie on HBO when out of the corner of my eye I saw something jump off the bookcase (that is loaded with Kagan's pictures)

and plop onto the floor. I was thinking if it's big enough to land that hard and make that much noise it has to be something thats going to eat me alive.

I only had on a small lamp so stupid me I put on my shoes like that will protect me and I sneak over with the fly swatter and there was the most beautiful TREE FROG I had ever seen. A tree frog in my house. Now what are the chances of that happening? Of course I felt like an idiot looking like I was going into combat or something. I put a cup down and nudged him in. I gave him a good talking to as we went out to the frog pond. I said "Kagan, if that is you, you can't play in the house when you wanna be a froggie. You have to play outside. And stay away from the bull frog's or you will be their dinner."

It made me so happy and really perked me up. I have been happy all day just thinking about it. I have frogs all over my house now so it's a constant reminder. Love and prayers to you all~!!

Christy

"I love you Kagan, thanks for the visit"

[cain12]

This post also appears on my Blog- http://alittlepileofseeds.blogspot.com/ I am placing it here because I hve heard from many that it has help them to reconcile the pain of their loss with their feelings about God.

One Thursday this past April Jesse (my seven-year-old) was running a temperature of 101 degrees when he woke up in the morning. I stayed home with him. Around noon I had to take him out to do a couple of errands that couldn't wait. On our way to the car, we found a dead song sparrow lying in the driveway next to the car. I explained to Jesse that sometimes a bird will get fooled by the way sunlight reflects off glass and fly into a window with so much force that they break their necks. I surmised that that is what happened to this poor little bird. Jesse proceeded to inspect all the windows of the car until he found a tiny fluff of feather still clinging to the glass at the point of impact. We decided that we would bury the bird when we returned. When we returned, however, Jesse was spiking another fever and was so tired I took him inside and we forgot about the bird. The next morning the bird was still there but I had to hurry big brother Dave off to school while my wife Cathy stayed with Jesse. The bird lay there unburied until I got home from work. When I finally got the chance to dig a little grave and go to collect the bird for burial, it was about 6pm on Friday. As I approached it, I couldn't believe what I saw. There was a pile of sunflower seeds next to its beak. Not just a little pile, it was very nearly as big as the bird. At first I thought maybe Jesse had done this but as I looked more carefully, I could see that the seeds had been carried there and the shells had been cracked open and the kernels had been left in the forlorn hope that they might inspire a miracle. The little bird who did this beautiful, heartbreaking thing was undoubtedly the mate of the other.

A song sparrow is a small bird, unable to carry more than one of those seeds at a time. One can only imagine the desperate emotion that drove that bird to and from the bird feeder so many times on this errand of devotion. Of course, that was the height of mating season. Animal behaviorists might tell you that all this is no more than an artifact of the mating behavior that was interrupted by this untimely death. I wouldn't get involved in that discussion myself. There is probably a little truth to that theory but there is a greater truth to be had here. These are times in which loyalty and devotion are easy to mock. In both business and our personal lives we are encouraged to think about the cost/benefit ratio of everything we do. Is the status quo "working" for you right now? Are you getting the maximum return on your time and money? If not, change things! Lay off 10% of the workforce. Leave your relationship. Forget doing what you love and learn to love doing something that pays better. We often take the paradigms of the global marketplace and evolution to indicate that we need to make these decisions with an entirely cold and appraising intellect.

Yes, what happened to this little bird is sad, but if you look deeper, there is hope and comfort that outweighs the sadness. As it is written in Koheleth (Ecclesiastes), “It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.” The cost of building that pile of seeds was far in excess of any possible benefit for the surviving bird. A more “adaptive” behavior, one that would have yielded a better return would have been to move on and find another mate. But those “adaptive” behaviors are in the house of feasting. In the house of mourning you can glimpse the greater power that redeems the sadness, pain and privations from which feasting and wealth can only provide ephemeral insulation. If we only had eyes to see it and a heart to understand it, it is everywhere but we can encounter it most directly when the time of loss comes. It is this spirit (force? being? order?) that transcends the simplistic logic and arithmetic of narrow self-interest. Call it God or Karma or Love or anything else you like - It shines through in that little pile of seeds and it animates billions of such miracles every second. © 2006 Jerome N. Gould

[starchild]

Good Morning Everyone: I hope this day finds God's mercy and grace shining brightly in your lives. As for myself I'm grateful for another day to give praise. Well yesterday I had the dreaded meltdown. Stanley came to visit me right before I woke up and in my minds eye I saw him reaching for me. He's come to me often enough so I didn't think much more of it. It was time for me to get ready for work. Well on my break, I went over to the chapel as I usually do to talk with God and the spirits of all my loved ones. I'm not sure what happenend but as soon as I left there, I broke down. All day long I was in tears and I couldn't stop. I hadn't had an episode like that in a while. I guess with our anniversary being tomorrow, he was trying to let me know he misses me. You know I'm already going through enough feelings without him making my weight heavier. I have been praying so hard for the strength to survive this week without losing it. Any extra prayers are welcome and appreciated. God has blessed me so much and I know he loves me, so I'm hoping that yesterday was a cleansing for my soul.

I'm leaving Sunday to go and spend a few days in S. Carolina with my sister and grandfather. He's 102 years old and definitely the family treasure. And of course there's no telling how much time he has left. No job, kids, nothing for a minute.

Thank you Mark for your care and concern. I told my big brother about you and he's happy someone else is helping him hold me down.(smile) I'm sorry to hear about your health, but I'm glad that things are looking up for you and Mary.

Kagansmommy; I am so happy for your visit from Kagan. Anything that helps you feel better is a good thing.

As always all of you are in my prayers and I hope you're taking care of yourselves. Again if only for today. Till then, Luv from me and the boys

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, don't use a fly swatter on Kagan, or the angelic child protective services will be after you, hon. hehehe. You really don't want to be on the bad side of an angel from that agency. Really good words of wisdom though. Now, I'd like to have been there with a cam corder to save that site for posterity. Oh, seeing you all decked out for battle with a big ol' fly swatter. It just goes ta show ya mommy, he'll hop in anytime to see watcha be doin', even if you're watchin' some scary movie. Don't you know little kids will do that? Walk into the room at the worst possible moment? He's priceless! luv ya! Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, there are so many emotional states we pass through during grief, these breakdowns are just one of the many. I'm sorry we must have these moments, and that they must last for what seems an eternity. I have had episodes of crying that have lasted for hours. This isn't an exaggeration. One of these was on my first shopping trip. My wife loves to go shopping, but on the first time she couldn't go, it hit me so hard, I sat in my truck at the mall, crying for over an hour, until a cop asked if I were okay. This is a facet of the diamond of our sorrow. This will shape the character of who you shall become. Some may even say the sorrow will make you a better person in God's eyes. I don't know, I'm not God. I'm just a crazy musician. Congratulations to your Grandfather! This is a blessing and great joy to your family. Enjoy your trip. I'll pray for you while you and your boys travel. Thank you for your prayers and support, and for your kindness. God is looking out for you. I know this. luvz, Mark

[lauraa]

Hello Everybody,

Well I am back tonight from our vacation. It was much needed and looooong over due. My kids needed it and all had a really good time. It was emotional for me as it was a place where I have tons of memories of my husband long before our kids came along. I had my private time and lots of tears. Sometimes I feel that I could just die from the sorrrow myself.......I prayed for all of you while at the ocean. I hope you are all getting along better.

Christy....your Kagan is with you, always!

Mark, I hope you are feeling better and your family. I know of those long crying jags you speak of. Sometimes, my psychic won't even allow me to go there for fear of a total breakdown.

Cain12, thank you for your post...boy did I need that!

Starchild, I know the pain you are going through. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone....it's inhumane, torture...don't you think? I am sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please take one day at time. I have been having panic attacks and waking up from a sound sleep in panic....I still cannot believe my husband has passed.....my soulmate....I am truely lost in this world without him...trying to find my way and a new purpose in life that is totally meaningful. My kids are #1 but I know there has to be something else to fuel me....I'm searching daily to heal......

Could you all please say a prayer for my oldest son who is suffering. He has lost 40 pounds since feb. and not feeling well at all. I am trying to get to the bottom of it. He will be going to a GI doctor when we get an appt. but I think it is also some depression and anxiety from all the stress we have been through the 5 years. Thank you!

You are all in my prayers!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Welcome home, Laura. You all needed to have the time there alone together with your feelings. Sometimes our feelings may seem more like the enemy than a friend, but they keep us emotionally safe within ourselves, and try to keep us from overwhelming pains that would otherwise push us too far. You're tan looks great!

We've been going through some stuff, mostly me having seizures, which the doctor said are most likely from heat, exhaustion, and dehydration. Now I have all of my kids yelling at me to take better care of myself. Hmmm. But do I ever listen? hehehe. Considering the girls are making threats, I should listen to them. My wife seems to be doing well in the nursing home. This has been so good for her, physically and emotionally.

Take good care of yourself, please. Yeah, you have to take care of your kids too, but Laura needs a little spoiling once in a while too. talk soon, my dear friend, Me

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

I need your prayers Erinnz angel day is tommorrow. and guess who can't stop coughing has a fever of over 101.2 who's achy and shakey? who feels like crap? and poor Katie has had it for the past several days. So get the prayers humming for Katie and me. Guess who has to take the test on monday? there are no refunds and I can't afford to throw away $540. I'm sorry that I'm whining. I'm going to go to bed and try to get better..Hopefully, I know all that I need to know.

Love to all.

Hugs and prayers.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

Mark,

I had one of those "parking lot days".....can't seem to stop crying today. Can't seem to kick this loneliness. Nothing seems to fill my void. My husband and I were like...bread and butter....shoes and socks....always together in everyway....now he is gone from me. I wake at night in a panic because I cannot accept he isn't here anymore...my whole life has changed drasticly and in everyway.....what a shock to my world and my system. This is so hard. I am just so tired of the void in my life........I hope you take extra care of yourself and I am so glad to hear Mary is doing well.....she probally feels some of the heat has been taken off of you, who she loves so much and is able to get that extra rest she needs knowing you are, too......be alittle selfish and take your own advice and pamper yourself just alittle.......bless you all.

[starchild]

Hi Family; First giving honor to my highest power for the blessings of another day.

Laura, Welcome back girl, glad to hear you had the best time you could under the circumstances. I hope the trip helped you to heal some more. The wounds from our husbands deaths take a long time to heal, if ever and the scars are permenent. But I believe we should utilize every option available to ease the burden of our grieving. So I'm out of here in the morning. Going to hang out at my big sisters for a few days. This past week was been one of the most difficult of my life. My emotions wore me out. I haven't had a chance to catch my breath since Stanley died and my battery need to recharge.

Laurie, Take it easy on yourself tomorrow, and don't do ANYTHING you don't feel. Just be ready for the tears. I found out the hard way that crying is necessary for cleansing. So get your box of tissue ready and celebrate your daughter life, not death.

Mark; you never cease to amaze me. Your degree should be in humanities. (Oops, was I reading another topic?) It sounds like Mary is getting what she needs for her body and spirit. Now take care of your health please, or your daughters won't be the only ones fussing. I know if it ain't one thing, it's another, right? So does Mary's chair take diesel, or is it solar powered?(smile)

It's good to know that the master holds us safely in his arms. There is strength in our fellowship and I believe that he blesses it. Hope this post finds everyone taking care of yourself, again if only for today. As always, you are all in my prayers. Till then. Luv

[lauraa]

Starchild,

Thanks for your words of inspiration...I need them. I hope you have a great time getting away and you do recharge your battery....we all need to do that as much as possible. Your words enrich me with your constant faith and glory....you are my model. I am having a difficult time getting over my anger toward god....just can't seem to get past that. I tried my hardest to be a good little shepard in his flock but I feel he took my husband away....why? Just can't seem to get past that? My heart is pure in all I do and I just don't understand why.....way to many why's for me! I have to take a med just to get any sleep at night or else I am awake most of the night....disbelief, horror, panic, way to much pressure keeping it all going......I told my therapist that sometimes I feel like I am just going to lay down and die....it is grief, depression and exhaustion all wrapped up into one......I am working so hard to get thru this S*#%.........

I hope you have a really, really nice visit and regroup and get refueled. Thanks for your kind words and insights.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm worried about you, my dear friend. For all you have been through, and are going through, but still have yet to face, the burden of sorrow and stress is more than one soul can bear alone. My dear friend, you've stayed by my side through so many of the painful and stressful moments that I may not have been able to get through very well without your help, and for this I'm eternally thankful. I'm always here for you, to keep you from falling, to let you cry on my shoulder, to listen no matter what you want to say, and to help you through your time of healing. If you need to talk, please call me anytime of day or night. I may sleep days, but I'll always answer the phone for you. Take care of yourself, please. Yes, I think you should do something just for you. You're under way too much stress, and whatever I can do to help, I do all I can for you, my friend. I'm praying you're able to rest, and that you're day is good and happy. hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, sounds like I'm about to be in biiiiiiiiig trouble if I don't behave??? Thanks for being a friend. I'm now trying to rest, eat, and drink as I should. My aide bought so much Gatorade yesterday that I thought she was going to make me waterboy for the Giants training camp. However, while I was outside today watching my son mow the lawn, it felt good to have it available. I'm feeling much better, and haven't had any more seizures since Monday. You're welcome to read other posts in other spots. Yeah, I have a Masters degree in Social Work, but music is my bag. With the way things are going with our electricity, I'm beginning to wonder if you may have struck upon an idea for powering these chairs! Sure, diesel is a little smelly, but she'd never run short on power for hill climbing (she could enter a race in the Rockie Mountains). My chairs are "me" powered. This is fine, except for hot days like today. I agree with you. It's great to know we're safe in His arms. Hope you have a great day, and please take good care of yourself. You wouldn't want me worrying about you, would you? hugz,luvz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, first of all, take care of Katie, and take care of you. If not, we're all going to be knocking on your door with various renditions of chicken soup (trust me, girl, you don't want to eat what may or may not be called my "cooking"). Drink lots of juice and water. Lastly, buy no less important, stop worrying, okay. God has had all this under control for months! Trust Him, and ask without doubt.

Lord, Laurie needs Your healing this weekend. She and Katie are ill, and they are also feeling the stress of Erinn's passing. Jesus is the Great Physician, so without doubt, we're all here together asking for their healing. Please be with Laurie on Monday while she must take the test, so that she does well, and so she can rest in knowing You are with her. Let them both feel our love for them. We'll be mindful to thank You for what you do for them both.

Laurie, we know how stressful and painful these angeldays can be when they roll around each year. When these days are for a child, few of us know how painful they are. My heart is with you, with many prayers, thinking of you and Erinn and Katie. Rest assured that our daughters are behaving in Heaven tonight. luvs&hugs,Me

[lauraa]

It is just a rollercoater ride for me...never knowing what is going to trigger my emotions. Just coming home from vacation I have felt depressed and lots of anxiety. Honestly, I/we did have a wonderful time. I managed to find quiet time to go to places that reminded me of my husband and I cried just longing to have him back.....then I come home to our home that I will never see him in again......We loved each other to the core and I know I will never be the same no-matter how long I live. The anxiety is all my problems and worries about my kids and how they are getting thru this....we will get thru this but it ain't easy. This feeling of lonliness cuts to my core being and everything I ever believed in has been tarnished....all this and I am angry with god....that is who I always went to when I felt abandoned in this world and now I feel that I can't. Why are such wonderful people taken from us so early without any explanation? So many times,my husband said he felt he was carrying his cross....it made me sad but it also made me feel that he was just like Jesus. What am I going to do with all this anger? What am I going to do with all this disappointment in so many? The one person that I put my whole heart and soul into is gone from this earth.....so now what? I will raise my kids and get them thru this nightmare and hopefully they will be able to say my mom did a great job getting to the finish line.....

P.S. Mr Mark.......I have a electric wheelchair that is not being used. It is a Jet3 and like spankin' new........would you have any interest in it? It is red with leather. Looks like the next best thing to a Vette....A very special person used it and it is still sitting here. Let me know if you would have any interest in it.

[erinnzmom]

Mark and Starchild,

Praise the Lord and thank you all for your prayers!!! I had an amazing day on Erinnz angel day! I Woke up Sunday morning @ 04:30 feeling fine! I went to the cemetary ( my mom was there waiting for me she didn't want me to be alone), I put a willow tree angel (the one with the heart on it. it's for those who love and are loved) we signed it love from mom and Katie. I released a Heart shaped baloon with butterflies and roses that said I love You. It climbed higher and higher and then it disappeared. I know Erinn took it. I cried briefly. and then I was filled with such peace I haven't felt like that since we were on the way to the hospital on the day Erinn died. I voice said to me that Erinn was going to be all right. Erinnz marble marker was crooked we had tried to move it on a previous visit and my husband and I couldn't budge it. On Sunday I was moving it all around. a little here a little there. didn't like it there so move over , back.. talk about signs..the test is over ..I'll find out the results Oct. 13th. I did my best and now we'll just have to see. Thank you all again for your prayers..They certainly worked for us. Yesterday for the first time I was happy for my daugher. That she is in Heaven. One of the elders in the church said "peace beyond understanding"..and he said that I looked happy. can you believe it?

Hugs and prayers

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Lauraa,

I am so sorry for the roller coaster ride that you are on. I'll be praying for peace for you as you struggle down this road to try and raise your children and to live your life without your beloved husband. I finally get, that I will never understand why God took my daughter or any of our loved ones, until we get to Heaven. And when we get there it won't matter. I know that isn't any comfort. But I was driving myself crazy asking why.You know that God is still there for you..He didn't do this to cause you pain..It was your husband's time you said that he felt like he was carrying a cross. Well, he has been able to lay it down and rest. I know that it's small comfort now, I know you want him here and now..and you want to hold him and touch him and talk to him and it's not fair.If there is anything that I can do you can email me anytime. Just know that you are in my prayers.

Sending you hugs and love

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Mark,

Well, you can hold the chicken soup the prayers worked! Thank you so much! I'm glad that you haven't had any seizures for awhile the church has been praying for you,too. Sounds like Lauraa has a snazzy chair for you! does that date me?Prayers for you and Mary!

Hugs

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, um, I like don't know what ta say. This is so funky (and Laurie thinks what she says dates her??? hehehe). We've been wondering how we were going to deal with our situation, cuz my sweetie kinda banged up the bottom of her chair last week (also a Jet 3). Let me know how much you'd like for it, and I'll get back to ya soon. Our van is ramped, so we can transport, too. You're allowed your rollercoaster ride. Nobody told us in the "manual" that this would ever be easy (that is, if any of us ever got the "manual"). I don't say you loved him, but that you love him. The love you share is eternal. This is also why I say that anyone who tries to have a relationship after losing their spouse must be sure they're allowed to love their spouse and their new partner too. This is the only way I can think of it ever working. Confusing, maybe, but what is there about all this that makes any sense? You miss him with every fiber of your being, as you should. I miss my wife at times, and she's still sitting in the same room with me. Can it get any more confusing? Laura, I know only you can understand what I just said. My honey is having a fair week so far, but today isn't the best with the heat. When the temp hits 100, she crashes - so do I. I've been away for a couple of days, doing something for "me". Just a little music stuff, but fun. At any rate, we'll talk about the 'chair. Do you have my number? I'll email it to you. Now, go do something fun, just for you. I'm praying for you and your precious children. hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, it seems that drinking a quart or so of Gatorade a day helps with the seizures, but also sleeping a lot more (like we didn't know that???? hehehe). My nurse, who has been the mouthiest about me getting enough rest, and who knows I sleep days, called me at 9 AM, just to get a list of my wife's meds. Did she really need it in such a rush that it couldn't wait til afternoon? I've been a full week without a seizure. I'm happy and thankful. Thank you and your church for all the prayers. When we ask without doubting, we are given our request by our faith. I'll keep praying about the test results. May all be in His plan, and may He mold your will to conform to His. Having Grandma at the cemetery with you and Katie sounds like it was the "chicken soup" you both needed. The balloons sound sooooooo pretty. You, Christy, Renee, and I may never know the answer to "why" our children died, why their time to leave this earth was before ours, but we will see them again. Believe this. We'll see them in Heaven, and we'll hold them and kiss them and all this will not even be a bad memory from that momemt on. We'll have that moment forward, but the past will be no more. Jesus will wipe away all tears, and I think a part of that means He will remove the cause of them, all our heartaches and grieving. Take a little time for you and Katie, and don't just spoil you, but Katie too. Fuss and dote over her a little while, just to let her have the secure feeling of how much she's loved. While you're at it, spoil yourself too. You two are worth it. Have a good day, and please get some rest. hugs, Me

[lauraa]

Mark,

I didn't know you were having such a hard time with your own health...I am sorry you have that on top of all the other things you are going thru. Please try and stay cool in this heat wave. It knocks us all out.....I hope you have AC. I hope Mary is in AC. I am so sorry life has to be such a struggle for you all....it makes me sad to think of it.

Yes, I do understand what you wrote about loving. This whole grieving thing hurts so damn bad because we did love so deeply. Right now, I can't even imagine loving anyone else but if a time would come he would have to be 100% accepting of my love and relationship with my husband. Honestly, I can't image that could happen. I am so deely in love with my husband as if he is still right here by my side....as if he never left. I know what he would say and think about everything, I can't get his beautiful blue eyes out of my mind.....I still can't image the rest of my life without him....my heart hasn't stopped fluttering since he passed. It really is broken and I know a piece of me went with him. GTG.....the tears.

The W/C...let's email each other about that. Stay COOL my friend and keep having fun with your music.

[lauraa]

Laurie,

Thank you for your support. What you wrote makes me feel better. I just feel that it wasn't my husbands time and he and I had so much more we needed to do here....we weren't finished. We prayed to god....ask and you shall receive/the door will be opened to you......we worked so hard but things didn't work out for him to stay here. We were robbed. Why the good guys? When someone hurts me really badly I can't talk to them and that is how I feel right now with god....I feel so hurt that he took him and now I can't talk to him....Talk about isolation on top of isolation.

When does all this end and how many losses can we take in our lifetime?.....thank you for your kind words...always uplifting.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, God has this bottle where He saves our tears . . . all of them . . . and some day, they'll be used as an offering of praise for His glory. After that, we'll never again remember the bad times, the sad times, the broken toys, the unkept promises, the broken hearts, all this grieving. We'll only know His love and perfect peace. You'll be looking into those baby blues again, kiddo (careful girl, you could give me an idea for a song with that one). Now, just don't be all worried about me. Please. We have air conditioning, and on a day like today (at 98, index at 109) we need it. The truth is, most of my health issues are just little old me not taking care of myself while I fuss over momma more and more. The sarcastic way of saying it is, should I really be sleeping more than four hours a night? hehehe. I'm doing much better, and after tomorrow, I'll be doing great - gotta see the doctor, and he yells at me, and I do mean yell. Take care of yourself tonight, and please get some sleep. I'm praying for you. I'll be in touch on the email. hugs, me

[lauraa]

Mark...Eat, drink and sleep my friend. It is amazing what 8 straight hours can do....I am working on that one myself. Nitey night!

Thank you for your post.....tears again....I would love to hear a song that you wrote. Those baby blues! Like clear aqua ocean water. Thank god I never ever took my relationship for granted....unfortunately, that is what makes this journey so painful for me. Don't stop loving your Mary, not for one second.

[lowalz]

Lauraa~

I just read a post of yours where you asked "Why the good guys?".....I lost my mom 4 months ago and I ask God this question every single day.....I just can't understand why a child molester in prison is allowed to live and my mom (who was so very loved) had to go........I am in the anger stage of my grief right now and have had a very tough time not blaming God for her death.....everyone says he "only takes the best"......if that is truly the case, then maybe we should all lead lives of crime....I don't know- I have a hard time right now NOT blaming God- If he is so powerful then why didn't he help my mom? I was not ready to lose my mom and she was not ready to go.....I hate when people say that things happen for a reason...I know they are trying to be comforting but that phrase just angers me more- I see absolutely NO reason that I or my family deserve to go through this. I know someday I will regain my faith, it is just being very tested right now and I am not buying that this is what God really wanted for my family- if it is....then I feel I have a right to be angry at him.

Lori (just venting, I guess)

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm praying you will get some sleep tonight. Some of our care managers think I can do all this while breaking up those eight hours into two or three segments. Fine on occasion, but not daily. Please do take good care of you, my friend. While there is no way I can claim wisdom or knowledge to answer "why", I believe that one day we'll step through the gates of Heaven to see their faces again, and we'll forever be reunited with them. Things will be different, but we'll know them as they know us, and love will be as strong as ever. There is no way I could ever not love her. Even if some force of evil tore through here and destroyed our marriage (almost happened years ago) I'll always love her. Love is eternal. For you and your dear children, I'm praying for you all. As soon as I can possibly hand you one, you'll get to hear my rendition of what would otherwise be known as music (hehehe). Just keep an open mind. When you hear it, you'll better understand what that means. I'll talk with you soon.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lori, I miss my daughter more and more with each passing day, waiting for the day when I can finally see her beautiful face in Heaven, and give her the hugs and kisses I've been saving for a lifetime. I am sorry that I can't give the answer to "why" God lets a person die, and lets another live longer. While my wife also struggles in her fight against a painful illness trying to take her life from her, we've grown to accept that she'll have to face death and be taken away from me. I hate this thought with a burning passion. But, I also accept that my beautiful wife and daughter will be waiting in Heaven for me, and they'll greet me at the gate when it's my turn. I hope what I'm saying doesn't upset you, but gives you a sense of hope and peace. Heaven is a place of eternity, so when we get there, we will never again have to be torn from our loved ones by death. Death is no place to be seen in Heaven. Yes it's painful to lose the ones we love so dearly. Although we miss them with all our hearts, we can also know that we'll see them in Heaven again. Once again, I hope what I've said gives you hope, and if I've upset you, I truly beg your forgiveness. I honestly mean no offense in this. May you have peace and strength for today.

[lowalz]

Mark-

Thank you for your words of support- No, I was not hurt or offended in the least- I appreciate the perspective of others going through similar things.

I'm sorry that your wife is so ill. Neither of you deserve such pain....it is still hard for me to understand. I hope that as I get past this anger stage of grief that my acceptance will be able to bring me some peace and hope. Right now the pain is too raw for me to find or see anything else beyond my grief. I really think that you are an amazing individual to be able to offer such support to others in your own time of grief. I really admire your strength and hope- Your wife is very blessed to have you in her life.

Lori

[lowalz]

Thought I would share this ispirational story~~~~~~~

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the

examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what

lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the

other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side

came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog

sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog?

He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was

inside.

He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door

opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other

side of death, but I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and

that is enough."

May today there be peace within you.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet

When our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lori, wanna know the truth? I'm just little old me, husband, father, and grandfather. I have my strengths and weaknesses like any other man ever to be born of a woman. I thank you precious women who are loving and courageous enough to go through all you must to bring us wimpering guys into this world. I'm devoted to my wife, my family, and my faith. I have a breaking point as do we all. For me, this is usually given over to a place of quiet solitude. Thank you for sharing the story with us. Today I needed it. I pray you may be given what you need for the day, peace and strength. I hope you may be have the rest you need. Enjoy the weekend. Thank you for your very kind thoughts about my sweet wife. Yes, I love her. I'd be lost without the woman.

I hope you don't mind, but I happened to see a message you wrote about a friend. I'm sorry that situation happened. As a grandfather, I'll only say that becoming a grandparent changes our way of thinking dramatically, but yet it doesn't permit us to shun a friend in their moment of need. My prayers are with you. However this resolves, may you have peace in your heart in the end.

Catch up with ya soon, Me

[lauraa]

Lori,

Looks like you and I are on the same page, huh? There are so many stages we go thru and I hate them all. Mostly, I am in the loneley stage now....everyone has left me. I mean friends and family. I know they all truely know how strong I am. But, I also think they just can't deal with my pain so they have chosen to stay away. I needed to grieve loosing my best friend on top of everything. This is someone that I helped when she was sick with cancer and I helped her get thru her crisis as much as I helped my husband. She told me and said she prayed on it and when we met to discuss it, she said, I wasn't there for her in the last several years and she had losses, too....she chose to adopt, she chose to divorce and she chose to build a house......I didn't choose for my husband to get ill and pass away. Talk about a shocker. She was my biggest disappointment thru my grieving.....a real church goer????? I am also angry. I just mostly stick to myself and grieve myself. Most nights I just want to go to sleep to escape my feelings and I fall right to sleep but I wake several times thru the night......you all have a good night and sleep.....gtg for now.

[messenger]

DEAR ERINNZMOM...I WAS REREADING YOUR POST ON THE 29TH AND THEN ON THE 31ST....PRETTY AWESOME..THE DIFFERNCE IN YOU....I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU...................MESSENGER