I Believe in God...

[lowalz]

I lost my mom n March 30th of 2006- 3 months ago- My biggest regret is that she was alone- she passed in her sleep. I wish i would have stayed and I have so much guilt about not staying- I left at 9:00 pm and she was gone 5 hours later. I wonder what those lawst moments were like for her. I so wish that I could have been there to hold her hand and comfort her. I think about her a thousand times a day and would give anything to hold her in my arms again.

Lori

[starchild]

Hi Everyone: As always first I have to have my higher power for another chance to give honor and praise. I'm sitting here listening to my music (contemporary gospel) and thinking about how blessed I really am in spite of me. I have my health and strength, I'm in my right mind (up for discussion), I'm not naked, broke, hungry or homeless. My kids are secure and strong. Now things could be better, but they could also be worse. It was hard to turn my burdens over to the Lord when Stanley passed. I wanted to carry them around and make it all about me so-o-oooo bad. The enemy was just waiting for me to turn control over to him and I'd been a fool to disrespect all the good that God has given me. Including that big, beautiful man that I miss so much. My soul was at stake for real. So I want to share the goodness of my Lord with everyone out there today. Romans 8:28. We have a purpose.

Mark: They say you should save your prayers for the living so I'm sending up a special shout out for you and yours. I can't imagine how difficult this day is for you and Mary. It must be kicking up all of your anxieties. May the spirit of the Lord abide with you today and always. It's times like this that put things in perspective. Especially for those of us on the outside looking in. I hope that the treatment that you mentioned gives Mary a fighting chance. She has been through alot. Just know that you are still blessed because God has not forgot. Take your own advice, just for today!! (((Special Hugs)))

Laura, Erinzmom, Kagansmommy: You ladies are sometimes the heroines in my story as well as your own. You share so much of what I go through. I'll always be grateful for the strength that you've let me draw off of, since you've been on this journey longer than me. It all comes down to faith in the process that one day.......... Faith. There goes that word again. I just hate that we had to meet like this. Please be good to yourselves and remember how blessed you are in spite of. Always in my prayers. Till next time. Luv Ya.

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone~!! Tomorrow would have been Kagan's 3rd birthday. I have been having a tough time all week but today has been horrible and tomorrow will be worse, I'm sure. I have been trying to motivate myself all day to go get a boquet of balloon's to put on his grave.

If you all would, please remember my little angel an his special day.

Bless you all, Christy

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAGAN, MOMMY LOVES YOU"

[lauraa]

Christy,

You know it girl....I will be thinking of Little Kagan...especially, tomorrow.Imagine a wonderful birthday party that he is enjoying.....cake, candles,presents and think of him looking down on you with the fondest of memories...remembering "YOU"...his mommy.......holding him in his arms loving him the way only a mother could........you held him when he "Passed on"......he did not die! And, if my husband has anything to do with it....they are having FUN.

Blessings to you and peace!

[lauraa]

Mark,

I am thinking of you and your family through this most difficult time.I know you must be feeling so many emotions for Mary going to a facility for care. I am so sorry you are all going thru this pain. Try and keep reinforcing to yourself that she will get more quality care and you are not leaving her. You need to rest as well. It been 2 years now for me since my husband "passed on" and I am still not rested so you need to grab it as much as you can even if it is in bed next to hers. You are not alone my friend and I am so proud of you for your courage and strength. You don't give up! Down deep you have what it takes my friend....god will not abandon us.....I think, I hope he has broad shoulders.......You are all in my heart today and always.....Whenever I get really down and feel really alone and depressed I just think of all of you guys and I not you are all out there in the same boat......Keep the faithand know I am thinking of you all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, Happy birthday to God's half pint angel! You go ahead and feel bad, mommy, but feel good too. Balloons sound like a great idea, kiddo. Would Kagan like an ice cream cake too? luv ya sis, Me

[starchild]

To Kagan:

Happy Birthday Angel!!!

To Kagansmommy:

Not only does God love you, but Kagan does too. Whatever you feel the need to do, do it. Allow yourself to live as your angel lives. In serenity, love, and understanding. Just remember to be good to yourself and have a blessed day.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I had a slight puter crash, which I had to fix, but I'm now back in circulation. Girl, when I read all of what you wrote, I sat here in tears. This just doesn't get any easier, but God is always beside me, keeping my mind safe and secure, helping me walk this path of sorrows. I'm always here for you, dear friend. Take good care of yourself. My prayers are with you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, thank you for praying, which is one of the most important ways to show we care for our friends. Through our present lives in which we face my wife's unbearable illness, and my crippling illness, we've learned to be more content in small ways and when we've been given a small gift of God's grace. I'm thankful to see that my children don't take things for granted, not even their next meal, for we don't honestly know what may befall our world (just think about 9-11 and we can understand how short our lives can be). I pray you can rest in knowing our Lord is in control of all these things, and watch while He maintains control over creation. His love and grace will be with you, carrying you through the days of sorrow which lie ahead. May you be blessed in all His goodness. Hope you and your children have a fun weekend. I'll be praying for you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lori, I'm sorry you lost your mom, and while you have so many questions and fears, please don't weigh down your heart and beat yourself up over her passing while you weren't with her. She is now resting peacefully with our Lord, enjoying all of Heaven's beauty. She also looks down from Heaven with eyes filled with love just for you. May your heart be comforted, and you be given the peace you need. I'm praying for you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, yes, eleven is a passle of kids, but I'm not sure if they'll be kids or adults in Heaven. Can you picture God's playground? Thank you for being so supportive and kind, a true friend, through all we're going through. I hope you get to have a fun weekend with Katie. Now that my puter is once again running, I plan to catch up on a lot of mail. I got crashed somehow, so I had to rebuild the miserable thing. Don't ya just love technology? hehehe. Prayin' for ya, Mark

[mamabets]

For Kagansmommy- Go see what we wrote to Kagan on Loss of a Young child...I hope it helps- I will find something fun to send to you email- Go th Daniel James Pallick on google and bring up his website- I will find some special picture, add it to his photo album JUST for Kagan!! OK?? Then, you light a candle- I am on my way!! I love you!! xoxo mamabets

[kagansmommy]

Betsy, Thank you so much for doing that. I went to Danny's site and lit a candle. And I saw Kagan's froggie picture and birthday wish. You put a great big smile on the face of a very sad Mommy. I love you~!!

Thank you all for the kind words and birthday wishes for my angel. I did go get those balloon's and they looked so pretty flying high above his headstone.

I'm sure he had a wonderful day playing with all his new friend's.

Love and prayers to you all~!

Christy

"Happy Birthday Kagan, I love you"

[aprilsmom]

I've been trying to pray more....it has been a prayer that God will just put me where he wants me to be, or rather, not to let me be where I'm not supposed to be. Does that make any sense? I also keep praying for an infilling of His holy spirit and it seems to help a lot, I hope this will help someone else. Remember the gifts of the spirit? Endurance, peace, patience, a sound mind? Those are promises and boy do I need them. Take Care each and everyone of you here. Prayers for you too, Renee

[kagansmommy]

Ok guys, I need some therapy here. As you all know Kagan was 18 month's when he passed away. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fat little legs...the perfect little boy.

My grandson, Dawson is now 18 month's old and I am really bad about pushing him away and keeping myself disconnected from him. I find myself wondering why God couldn't have taken him instead of Kagan and I hate myself for such thoughts.

A grandmother should never let thoughts like that enter into her mind but I can't help it. The problem here is that Peter's boss has came to visit us a couple of times this week. He has a little blonde haired, blue eyed , fat legged little 18 month old boy. I obsess thinking about this little boy until I have a full blown panic attack. When he's here I can't keep my hands off him and I am almost in tears when he leaves. Why am I like this? Does anyone have any ideas? I am driving myself nuts thinking about this little boy and at the same time cheating my grandson out of a grandmother.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I feel like an idiot asking you all this and bothering you with my problems but I can't go thru this every time I see this kid.

Love and prayers to you all~!!

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[erinnzmom]

Christy,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this pain.. It must be so hard to see Peter's boss's son and have him remind you so much of Kagan..and you're only human and we can't always control our thoughts..I know that you really wouldn't want your child to go through the pain of losing Dawson..I'm at a loss of how to help you get through this..but know that you are in my prayers..I'll pray that you can connect with your grandson and give him the love that I know you have inside of you..and as far as the panic attacks go..they can really be scary..concentrate on your breathing, taking slow, deep breaths..You're Kagan sounds so beautiful, I can't wait to meet him when we all get to Heaven..my daughter Erinn was a great mom, I've asked her to look after Kagan until you get there to do the job yourself..

Sending you hugs..may you find some peace today..

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[aprilsmom]

Dear Kagan's mommy- this might sound strange but the day that Apes died, her two sisters and the family were at the house and I could not touch them for some reason. I told them, "I can't touch you or you will go away too". I wonder if those feelings are somehow linked? Just a thought......I will pray for you to have that "peace that passes all understanding". Today, our pastor talked about, "relying not on our own understanding, but in all things give praise to Him and He will set straight our paths". Take Care, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, Kagan's froggie pic is soooooooo cute, girl. The ones you sent me always make me smile, cry, pray, think a lot about many things. He's such a sweet little angel. I think you may be having this issue about Peter's boss's baby because, first of all, you are Kagan's mommy. Your whole heart is devoted in love to him, and rightly so. Second, our minds are carried away to our memories by many things, like sights and smells, or a song on the radio. When something brings up these memories, the memory spills over into present reality, and the two can sometimes get intertwined or blended together. Having said this, kiddo, may I ask if you think of the boss's baby only as the boss's baby, or do you maybe get the idea he should be (or is) yours? If you want to keep it private, please feel free to email the answer to me. If you think you may be starting to face a dissociating condition, please talk to Peter, and then talk to a counselor. Counselor can help the mind from playing tricks, and Peter may want to address this with his boss. If the boss knows, he'll be more supportive and compassionate with you, understanding what you're going through. Just be honest with them about it all. May you have the peace and blessing you need today. I'm praying. luv ya, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, have you ever thought of the way our kids are taking care of the younger ones in God's playground? My goodness! I bet Jenni is having a blast with her step sisters. My wife and I lost eleven to miscarriage, so Jenni has a lot to do, chasing all those little ones. You wrote Erinn was a great mom, which I can easily tell by how well you are caring for Katie. A mommy learns to be a great mommy from her mommy. She's a great mom because you are a great mom. You take such beautiful care of Katie. Even through all the sorrow and pain of losing Erinn, you do so well with her, I'm sure she'll grow up to be a young lady with strong and good character. Be proud of this, of yourself. I'll be praying for you, Mark

[kagansmommy]

Thank you all so much for thoughts about my situation. I don't know how or what I feel right now. I was with my grandson all evening and it's like there is no emotional attachment there at all. He's just like any other kid to me and I hate it. But my grand daughter, Dacey, is completely different. All the love and feeling a grandmother is supposed to have for their grandchild is there.

Its like a resentment toward him or something. I know this makes me sound like a horrible person. I know I need to be seeing a therapist but I have no insurance since my divorce. And Peter and I aren't married so he can't carry me on his either. So I am pretty much stuck. You all have helped me so much. At least you understand where I'm coming from and I'm not crazy. Maybe I am afraid of something happening to Dawson so I keep myself detached, I don't know.

Please keep me in your prayers. I will definately keep you all in mine.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[starchild]

Godd Morning All: First of course I have to give honor to my highest power for another day underway. I've really been in a strange mood lately. It's probably because Stanley and my anniversary is in a couple of weeks and I can't get a handle on how it's affecting me. The kids say that I'm acting out, I'm not suprised. When Stanley and I got married, I was so happy and fulfilled. I was flying so high. Everything was in place and life had finally taken on a meaning that I could understand. Then he died, and I crashed and burned along with that life. I haven't even assessed all the damage yet. I know that there has to be some. How will rise from these ashes. How has this has changed me? What is my new mission? Since I don't understand any of this yet, it's hard waiting on God for the answer. I have to take it one day at a time and to continue to pray. Me, the serenity prayer and the 23 Psalms have become best friends. It's the only thing thats keeping me sane right now. Also my partner is in the hospital and I went to see him Sunday. I haven't been there since Stanley passed and it definitely kicked up feeelings. It's rough living life on life's terms. I can't stand the thought of losing anyone else I love.

Christy: I don't mean any harm, but it seems that you need to get some clarity about your motives. While your feelings are understandable, this situation with your boss's son doesn't sound emotionally healthy for you at this point in your journey. Especially with your grandson symbolizing your resentments. Why are you tormenting yourself like that. Words like obsession and detachment should be setting off alarms inside you. Don't let a couple of dollars keep you from getting out of your own way, okay? I will be praying for you. Everyone please be good to yourselves, again if only for today. Have a blessed one till then.(((HUGS)))

[peter1]

Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Peter

[erinnzmom]

Peter,

I hope you also activated the emergency medical system, that is a big part of survival when you're having a heart attack. I'm glad that you're able to share this with us..but please everyone don't forget that part, also taking an aspirin is helpful in reducing clotting.

Laurie (a nurse but)

Always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I am thankful to you all for your continued support and prayers and help. Laura, to you especially, for being there for us for all these months through all this stuff. Here's what's up. My sweetie will be in the day program at the nursing home until a room is available, then she'll be permanently placed. Her health is now such that caring for her at home is impossible. This is from those who manage her health care program. I'll be spending this afternoon with her, but tomorrow, I'll write more. luv y'all, Me

[erinnzmom]

Mark,

My prayers are with you as you and Mary go through this difficult time. Try to get some sleep tonight. Do something good for yourself, Sound familiar? I'm having a really difficult time...the closer it gets to Erinnz angel date (July 30th) the worse I feel..I feel like I could shatter into a million pieces..Really would like to sleep it away...Katie thinks we should go to the beach..my niece thinks we should have a cookout..I was going to go to the cemetary, say a few prayers and release some baloons..but now I don't know what to do..I don't know how to do this...it hurts sooo much!! We didn't sign up for this..I still can't believe that there is a world without my beautiful daughter, my best friend in it...I need this to be a dream..I need to wake up and find out that this isn't real..but I can't seem to awaken from this nightmare.

Will be working the next 4 days 3am to 3 pm, and then I'm on vacation for 9 days..I'm supposed to be studying for a breastfeeding test..it costs $540 to take it..you can only take it once a year on the last Monday in July..this year it's the 31st next year it would have been the 30th..So please add this to your prayers that I do well on the exam..

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

Mark,

Stand strong in your faith and only take one day at a time or else it is all to much to take....you have all done a tremendous job thus far and you are my inspiration on a daily basis. Remember, Mary will get quality care and you will get more rest and reassure she is getting proper care which will give you all the comfort that you need. You kids will also feel better knowing you are getting the rest you need. I am sure they worry about you as much as their mom. Know you always have a friend here with me and can always cry on my shoulder at anytime.....email me anytime and just vent and let it all out. My thoughts and prayers are always with you all.

[aprilsmom]

Dear Erin's mom- when in doubt do nothing! The anticipation of the one year was much worse than the actual day itself. Our whole family wanted to be out of town..........ya know, the year after the accident we blew through our whole savings on trips, etc. that we really didn't need or want. We were running away I guess, didn't want to face things; financially, we can recover someday though.

Mark, it will be okay, God will sustain you.........so sorry friend.

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO MOURN FOR THEY WILL BE COMFORTED!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, on the 30th, do something to honor Erinn, then do something to reassure and charm Katie. Katie needs you here and now. Rather than put effort into details for others in the family, let them tend to their own details. They're adults. Katie needs you, so I think you will be more at ease emotionally fussing over her. Special dates have a way of tearing our hearts into shreds, but they can also be a time of beauty. Look at who you are, and who Katie is. And Renee is sooooooo right. The days leading up to a special date are worse than the date (remember me the week before May 22, Renee?). Going to visit Erinn, releasing balloons is a good way to spend time with her, and show her and yourself a mother's love. Our prayers will be with you continuously. We're here for you. a hug for my friend

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, although these words can't say it quite well enough, thank you for being the friend who has walked through every bit of this with us. Slowly but surely, I'm learning to sleep again, and the rest feels good. I'll email you very soon, but this may not be as much venting and whining as more pleasant conversation, which you should also receive. I'm going to post an open message explaining today. I'm always praying for you. always here for you, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, about those trips, this is for you. My grandfather is the one who did most of the work of raising me, the one in the fam I was close to. The day after his funeral, I climbed into my rig and drove for 67 days, nonstop. Was I running? Yes. The pain was so intense, and my sorrow had so overwhelmed me, I had to get away from it all. This is how I coped with it. While this is more in keeping with my personality than yours, being a natural born runaway, maybe there's something to this, and more people feel the same way. If I was like this when my grandfather died, imagine what I'm going to be like when my wife dies. It's all a matter of love. I'm praying for you, always. luvz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

We received an evaluation today from the nursing home. My wife is in such poor health that the other patients are helping her, which distresses me. She is so weak and deteriorated physically that they are writing the assessment for her permanent placement as soon as they get an open room. At first I was burnt with stress over this, but seeing the care she gets there, I'm starting to relax and catch up on the lost sleep. I thought this would be more difficult for us, but it's proving to be an easy transition. If her permanent placement goes this easily on my soul, we'll be very happy. Needless to say, I'm in a good mood, relaxed, happy (for once), and starting to return to my cheerful optimistic self. Looking back, I think we should have done this months ago, which would have rid us of the stresses of the illness on our marriage, and given us time to be together as ourselves. luv y'all for all the support and prayers. Have a great day. Me

[mamabets]

For All... "Life and Love are eternal"... What a beautiful quote- It found me, and I had to share!! I love you!!xoxoxomamabets

[aprilsmom]

Dear Mark, when that day comes you can climb back into a big rig, go pick up Betsy in No. Carolina, Laurra wherever she lives, and head to my place in California. Actually, I bet you could plan a perfect route and pick up the Cindi/ys, Erin's mom and Trish. We will have a BIG "Heaven Can Wait" party. Remember how I told you I wanted to ride in one of those Peterbilts someday? With you here I'll be brave enough to ask one of the drivers; sheesh they are everywhere because of all the construction in our valley.....EVERYWHERE! Oh, we have to party at mamabets' house too. Hugs, Renee

[lauraa]

Renee...Sign me up for the riggin' trip.....we could all have a heck of a time together and I am right around the corner from Mark......what a thought!

Mr. Mark,

I am so glad and relieved to hear things are working out with Mary's care and you are getting the extra rest you need. I am sure you could use years to catch up with the rest. Remember my dear friend, you are not abandoning Mary at all but giving her extra support she needs and you need....the love you have for her will ALWAYS be there and never waiver.......your hearts are connected and intertwined. That is here in this life and in the "after life"......nothing will ever change. You are in Mary's heart and soul ALWAYS.....rest and don't be weary and you will soar like an eagle.......I feel better for all of you now.

Bless you all and I consider you all family.

[starchild]

Excuse me ladies, Don't forget about me. I traveled alot in my younger years and I probably know a shortcut.(Smile)

Mark: Seems like the anticipation is always worse than the event, right? Like the saying goes "He may not be there when you want him, but he will show up on time. The Lord knew exactly what you needed and I can feel the relief in you all the way over here. I know how much this situation had you weighing on you and I am so thankful you're getting the assistance you and Mary need. In case you hadn't heard STRESS KILLS. Take this time to relax as much as you dare baby. You'll need to be at your best for the next part of your journey. I'm sorry Mary isn't doing better but she's got God's love, you, and at least three little angels by her side. You're in my prayers. Have a blessed weekend. (((hugs)))

[kagansmommy]

I wanna go too~!! I'm in Indiana. I'll draw you a map Mark if you can't find me.

Indiana is a beautiful place. You all would love it.

[mamabets]

HEY GUYS and GALS!!! I wanna go - We'll all pack up and head straight to HEAVEN!!! They sure as heck can't wait for all of us to get there!!! LOLOLLL!! I love you all and these doors are always opened!! Couldn't it make a great movie??? A nightmare with a peaceful ending!!xoxomamabets

[lauraa]

I think we should all start planning this trip......Ya,Ya Friendshiphood.....a movie......this would be so great to meet all of you.....You all keep your chins up and look for the light.

[aprilsmom]

The more the merrier...thanks for the smiles! R-

Someone come up with a name for this movie now that you have me all excited:)

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

Count me in. you'll have to swing by Maine first.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[kagansmommy]

OK Mark, forget the rig. It's not big enough for all of us. So, rent an RV and come get all your buddies. I was telling Peter about our plan to travel across country and make a movie. He had himself a really good laugh and said tell Mark he'll be praying for ya. Because God knows you are gonna need all the help you can get with a group of women. Of course he told me to go ahead and have fun because he's gonna fish until I get back. So when does the bus leave? :>)

I think it is great that we can pick each other up when we fall and give each other a good laugh too. Take care and God bless~!!

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[aprilsmom]

Just so we have this to look forward to, let's consider Spring of 2007-how does that sound. OOOOHHHH, I've never been to Maine and always wanted to go there. I have a hunch I'm going to have to fly out there with the other Californians or you will be getting this party started without us!! NO WAY! My husband said the same thing about "poor Mark". Well, he'll golf everyday so he wants me to have fun too. Wow, that's a word that hasn't been in many of our vocabs lately. Wow, I think Mark can handle us. Yes, the RV incase Mary is well enough to travel. My home in California is ALWAYS open to ANY of you wanting to travel here for business or pleasure, I'm an hour north of LA in the desert. Remember Deewithgreeneyes? She lost Michele in the surfing accident. She is a few hours from me-can't forget her either, spend a night on the beach!

Believe it or not, this is the most excitement I've had in a flippin' year! We need to all say a prayer that Erinnzmom makes it through her graveyard shift tonight. God love her. Renee

[lauraa]

If Mark brings his guitar that RV/Rig will be rockin'.....can't you all just picture that???? LOL....you all made me have a gooood laugh! Which I desperately needed today....................................................

[kagansmommy]

I don't know if the rest of you ladies fish or not but if I'm going to Maine then I'm going fishing. So Mark pleeease bring you new rod and reel you got for Fathers Day and I will bring mine. Peter will be sorry he didn't come with when I bring home a trophy fish for him to mount for me. This is so much fun to think about it. Spring of 2007 works for me.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey ladies, you're beginning to worry me??? hehehe. I may need to resurrect the old bus I rode on when I was touring with a band. Christy, you don't have to twist my arm too much to talk me into fishing. Just as long as we can work out the logistics, I'm ready, even in January. Laura, my first rule of living is, my guitar is always with me. Thanks to all of you for the happy talk. You know how to lift up the spirits. I must admit, I have the best friends in the world. You're all the greatest! luv yall, me

[lauraa]

Mark,

If you could play us "all" an inspirational song on your guitar right now...I wonder what you would play for us all?

I hope all is well with you and your family and the transition is going smoooooothly!

You are all with me daily!

[starchild]

What's up; I hope this posting finds everyone with some measure of peace today. As usual I have to thank my highest power for my life today. It's taken me a minute or two to get back to that place. I was dealing with some esteem issues and I was starting to withdraw. Which is not healthy and definitely not my nature. I realize now that Stanley's death also affected me on a psychological level as well as emotional and physical. I was so insecure when I was growing up and had just started to get comfortable with who I was when I met him. So I used to love what I saw in his eyes when he looked at me. He made me feel complete and I will always be grateful to him for that. So now I have to preserve what Stanley gave me and remember see it in myself. I just have reflect God's love for me. Good thing his mercy and his grace are mine if I seek it. You know this greiving process will really show you what you're made of. It is no joke.

Mark, Laura, Christy, Renee and all my fellow travelers, please be good to yourselves, if just for today. And keep me posted on the plans for "ROAD TRIP II". So I know what days to put in for.(smile) You are all in my prayers. Luv from the Big Apple.

P.S. Mark, be ready for requests.

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

Could use some extra prayers. My granddaughter, Jordynne, will be nine on the 23th of this month. It's extra hard..last year on her birthday we were all together at my house for a pool party, birthday party, cook out. It was the last time that we were all together as a family. Jordynne's having her party at her house this year..I've been avoiding going to the apartment..I meet them half way..I used to go there but it's too difficult..they're in a new apartment but since one and a half months after my daughter died Matthew moved a new girl friend in. It's too hard to see Erinnz stuff with another woman there. but on the other hand I don't want to disappoint my granddaughter. Please pray that I have the strength to do this.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[kagansmommy]

I'm sending prayers your way Laurie. I know exactly how you feel about seeing the new girlfriend around your daughters things. My mom re-married 14 months after my Dad passed away and it killed me to see him in my Dad's house and in my Dad's truck.

Just think about your grand daughter, she is all that matters. I know you will do ok. We have proven ourselves to be tough little cookies when we need to be.

All my prayers, Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, coming to terms with these issues is not only difficult, but also painful. There are a few here who understand this issue. You and Aprilsmom really need to talk with each other. Jenni wasn't married, but she had a great boyfriend, and although I'd gladly accept him into my world, he's moving on with someone and I need to accept this. He needs to deal with his own sorrow, as do I. It's a lot different for me, I know, because Jenni wasn't married, the kids didn't have any children of their own, and they didn't have their own home. They were both in college. If we try to see this from the point of view of our kids, Jenni most likely loves hime still, but she wants him with someone, so he can share his life and love with someone. I don't want to upset you, and I pray I don't, but I somehow get the feeling Erinn feels the same way. A few years ago, I was ill, and was in a coma for nearly two weeks. After the coma and brain surgery, I lost most of my memory, but before I went into the coma, I only thought about my wife and children. There's a place of love far beyond anything we can imagine. You won't dissapoint Jordynne, nor will you break your heart again. This is your learning experience, where you learn how to deal with this without shattering your heart, and showering your grandbaby with all your love. I'm praying for you. If you want to talk about it, you can email me at bluesbass72@yahoo.com. May you have all you need for today. Mark