I Believe in God...

[lauraa]

Laurie,

Yes, I think all our loved ones are together talking about us but especially I think they are sad to see that we are so upset and sad.I think they are rooting us on to get thru this...I truely know my husband, dad and mom would not want to see me this upset but in my heart I know if the table were turned they would all feel the same as me. Today was an extremely low day for me.....I mean low! I feel that I have no direction anymore and wonder where I am going to land.I am so sorry you lost your child. It surely is one of the worst things that could possibly happen to anyone. I have heard people compare losses and say the worst thing that could happen would be the loss of a child bug I say it doesn't matter what the relationship is, that if you loved deeply it is the greatest loss of all no-matter who it was. I also say,"we grieve as deeply as we loved"....and, I know we all loved extremely deep and we are all suffering so....I don't have any answers and I am struggling right along with everyone here.....thank you for your thoughts and I will keep and everyone in my heart and prayers...try and have a good nites rest......sometimes I click my heels, too! I never knew how hollow I could feel inside and how alone a journey this would be. I always thought I would have my husband with me when I lost my dear dad but it turned out I lost my husband as well......I just lost without them! Feels like my heart is really broken.......don't know where all my tears come from and that they just don't cease.....I wonder if they ever will. I just loved my husband with my whole heart and soul and cannot adjust to him not being with me......I know you are feeling the same void in your life...I am so sorry that you are......Remember.......HEAVEN

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, what rain, kiddo? My son and I went up to the lake, and the water was rising so fast, that before we untied the boats, his truck was in six inches of water. I'm glad the boy had the wisdom to buy a monstrosity four wheel drive. hehehe. Cheer up, though. The rain has to stop . . . sometime. I saw on the weather channel there was more near you, with the floods. Past that, I'm starting to plan a trip to my daughter's home. She told me something upsetting . . . and she may be coming home. I'll keep ya posted. I'm praying for you and your children. li'l ol me

[erinnzmom]

Hi all,

I was out driving today and this woman in a white convertible with the top down passed me on the road. I turned and looked at her and she looked so much like my daughter...I started sobbing..I'm pretty good at driving and crying..I've seen people that remind me of Erinn, but today...was so unexpected..that blindsiding that you talked about..it was so fresh, like I lost her all over again. Will this pain ever go away? I've often thought if I had the option of having all the pain taken away but I'd lose the memories of my precious daughter...I know that I'd keep the memories..even if it does hurt. Do you all go through this too?

Laurie

always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, I want so much to tell you it heals comptelely within a little while, but Jenni died ten years ago, and I'm still here, crying tears only a parent can understand. I am so deeply sorry, my dear friend. My prayers are with you, for all you need. Mark

[starchild]

Hi everybody; First as usual thanks to my higher power for another day to give honor and praise. Yesterday I got a text message from Stanley's favorite cousin. I guess he was feeling Stanley's 5th month angel date also. He said that angels were surrounding me with love because of the person that I am. It made me cry of course but it also made me think about angels and their place in our lives, their responsibilities and their power. Angels have existed since the beginning of my bible at least and it seems that they are always there, always available, always willing, always working for us. Maybe that explains some of the things have happened to me that just I can't come up with a rational explaination for. I hadn't tried to put it into perspective before but

[starchild]

Hi again. It's the only thing that makes sense. I used to walk around talking to the sky upset because everyone who had helped shaped me had left and I used all types of substances to try to stop the dying I was feeling on the inside. I was lonely, empty and afraid. I guess when they heard my cry their love continued to shape me. They protected me and ministered to me until I was strong again. It must explain why even in the midst of all this. I have a measure of peace. No matter how difficult, hopeless, joyless life may seem sometimes. I have a abundance of blessings to be grateful for. God has commanded his angels to guard us in all our ways. So today I am praying for an angel ^!^^!^ to cradle each and every one of your burdens and lay it at the throne. Hope everyone is taking care of themselves, again if only for today. Have a blessed one and much "luv" from the Big Apple.

[jdenise4]

alwaysmyjennifer, I see your posts alot, and this only my 3rd. I'm new here.Would I offend you if I ask what faith you practice?

Denise, A fellow Christian

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Denise, in all honesty, I'm not offended at all. This isn't a usual one. I'm Plymouth Brethren, sorta reformed, sorta baptist, but more laid back, like when I was back home in Ottawa. Three posts? I'm happy you found us. I haven't seen them, but I'm truly sorry you've been through the loss we all have which brings us here. I'll keep you in prayer for the peace you need. Please feel welcome to write anytime. His servant, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, thank you for the prayer. God does send His angels to protect us, and in my case, this may be cuz I'm so good at getting myself into trouble??? hehehe. from the Big Apple? the last time I was in there, the JFK zipstrip was closed from flooding. Hopefully, this won't happen again, eh. I pray you have all you need today and tomorrow. I'm sorry you must face these remembrances of his angel day, and many will be ahead. Take each with grace and patience. Always here for you, from a little outside town, Mark

[starchild]

Good Morning, First I'd like to thank my Lord for the blessing of another day underway. I went to a concert in the park last night and even though i like the artist that was performing, I don't know what I was thinking about. He was singing all these love songs and it was all I could do do keep from spilling tears right then and there. There was an empty space next to me and I just envisioned Stanley standing next to me. So I asked him if he was there with me. I was missing him so much at that moment. As I looked up into the clouds I saw, God as my witness, a cloud with the colors of the rainbow in it. It was the only one, the others around it were wispy white. I watched until it dissipated, my mouth hanging open. I could not believe it. The angels at work again. And now I'm sure my Stanley is one of them. Crazy, right?

Mark, you are too much!...Thank you. I've come to terms that there are alot of dates coming up. Father's Day on Sunday. (and by the way Happy Fathers Day to you)our 1st wedding anniversary next month, etc. I just pray for strength to do what I have to do. I'm a survivor and even though it won't be easy, I know where to go for the help I need. Take care of yourself. I thought that was cute about Mary nursing you. God bless you two. Luv Ya. Have a blessed day. Later(((HUGS)))

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I would never think you are crazy to think such about Stanley. This is sooooooo special! Isn't it sweet of him to do such a loving thing? Thanks for the kind greeting for Fathers Day. I'll be sharing the day with all my children, living and dead. I agree with you that my wife is adorable caring for me so sweet. Oh, the reasons I love her! Even though you're a survivor, and I'm proud of you for being strong, when you need help, please feel free and welcome to ask us for help any time. My prayers are with you, always. luvz. Mark

[erinnzmom]

Starchild,

What a great gift from Stanley and God, the signs that they send us are so precious. Mark, wishing you a blessed Father's day with all your children. Mother's day was especially hard, the child that made me a mother is gone..but I'm stil her mom and I'm being a mom to her 13 year old daughter Katie, Praise the Lord! Katie will be an 8th grader next year!!!

Hugs and prayers to all,

Laurie

always Erinnzmom

[lauraa]

Today is a day I am totally ignoring.....and, so are the kids, I think.......Way to many of these holidays that open sores.....Mark, I do wish you a blessed Daddy's day....enjoy your family.....To Everyone else, you are all doing a real good job surviving!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, even though we understand the bittersweet only those of us who lost a child can understand, we also can see God's blessings in other ways. Thank you for thinking of me on Fathers Day. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and caring. Although I felt moments of deep sorrow over losing Jenni, hearing from my other four children let me feel plenty of love, blessings, hope, completion, joy, satisfaction and happiness for a lifetime. I keep you and Katie in my prayers. I hope you are able to see God's blessed gift to you in the smile of this precious child. I know there are no words I can ever say to ease the pain you feel. I know how I feel as dad, losing Jenni. I also know a mom's bond with her child is far stronger and rooted deeper in your heart, more than a father's bonds. Even though my words may be unable to comfort much, I'm always here, to listen, pray, and help. My prayers are with you both. I hope you have all you need. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thank you, my dear and precious friend, for taking this moment to think of me on daddy's day, as much as you hurt. I kept a lot of prayers for you all day, knowing you and your sweet children must be hurting. I was out of town a lot of the day, so it kept me offline. My son dragged me to the lake. Maybe it was best, to give me something to preoccupy what's left of my mind, keeping me from thinking too much of Jenni. But, my other four made it a sweet day. I love them so much. One says hi to you (Nikki). My brother in law was here over the weekend, which gave us a lot of emotional strength for what's ahead. He and his sister have illnesses on the same gene, which makes for issues. It's like a guy riding a magic carpet. . . don't ask how, just go for it. I know what I have to do, like the nursing home, which is now becoming a very serious issue, but I don't want to do this at all. Ya know, I'm blessed to be married to this woman: someone who is so devoted to me, and me to her. We have learned that nearly ninety percent of marriages fail when stressed by the dystrophy. Last winter, four couples we went through the clinic with split up. Yes, my dear friend, I'm a very lucky man to be with her. Now that we're on the other side of "that" "holiday", I pray your children and you can get back to your normal routine, and hopefully heal more. luvz, hugz, Me

[erinnzmom]

Thank you Mark, for your kind words and prayers. I took my granddaughter, Katie, to summer camp today. It was bittersweet, Erinn and I always watched her pass her swimming test. She was with her friends, so today I didn't stay to watch her. I can't believe how much I miss Erinn, it feels like more every day. Sometimes it doesn't feel real. How can I be in a world without my baby in it? I know that I'll be with her someday, But right now that doesn't seem to be helping.

Laurie

always Erinnzmom

[starchild]

Good Afternoon Everyone: First I'd like to thank my highest power for another day to give honor and praise. I always like to keep that up front because I know that my God is the reason for the quality of my life today. Doing the earthwork (being responsible for the effort, but not the outcome)is hard. And trust in my faith is essential because there are no unanswered prayers. Sometimes the answer is just "no".

I was told the other day that I may be suffering from abandonment issues because of all the things I have gone through, so I went to this website and what I read was me in a nutshell. It really got to me because I don't know if I need to go back into therapy or what so that I don't make this painful situation worse. I haven't asked God for another relationship. You know how they say, be careful what you want..... Besides there's no replacing Stanley. I'm like Laurie, It's hard to deal with my world without him in it. He is so much a part of me. But I'd be lying if I said that someone else may not be interested in me somewhere down the line. I'm worried that either I won't let another person near me or I will choose the most destructive person on the planet to deal and set myself up to be hurt like this again. Abandon-aholic, that's all I need is another ism.(smile)

Well I just need to share that with my spiritual-cyber family today. As you can imagine I'm on low ebb. I know God will work through you guys to tell me what I need to know. I pray that everyone is taking care of themselves, again if only for today. Have a blessed one. Luv Ya

[lauraa]

Starchild,

Geeeez, I think you aren't the only one with those feelings of abandonment....and, it is so hard to overcome. I think when we go thru loosing the ones we love so dearly all these thoughts you mentioned all surface for us. How could our lives change so drasticly and once again we are faced with aloneness....it's stinks! I am facing some of the same issues. I am just trying to get thru one day at a time and not think about any of that. I guess there is such a think as fate because I would never have planned any of this that has happened to me...and, now I don't think I can control anything else tht is going to determine the outcome of things to come....that is god's job I am finding out. One day at a time and just take extra good care of yourself...and, that is not being selfish, it is just being smart. Blessing to you today my friend.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, I can just picture Katie having fun at camp. There are no words that can soften the pain you feel, no prayer I have that can bring Erinn back to your arms. I am sorry she is no longer with you, and still, happy she is with our Lord. You will be able to spend all eternity with her, a great blessing. Although the present time is filled with pain, there is hope for your heart and for Katie. My prayers are with you today, tonight, and through the weekend. If you need to talk, and would rather not have the world read what's on your heart, you are welcome to email me anytime. My email is on the tab above the post. Hope you get to enjoy the weekend. Take care of yourself, please. From someone who understands, Jenni's dad, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, we tend to feel abandoned and isolated through grief and sorrow. My wife is still alive, now in the sixth year of fighting dystrophy, and sometimes I grieve like she's gone, or I feel isolated and abandoned in this world. I don't feel abandoned by everyone, just by her, cuz she's the one leaving forever. We're the only ones who understand this feeling. The relationship issue is a natural feeling as we grieve. We want to love and to be loved. With this, we want to be with someone, to NOT be alone. My wife has talked with me about her wishes for me moving on without her, and even though it upsets me, I listen. It's important to her that I listen to her concerns. I also feel grief and isolation and loneliness, even before her death. This is normal for those of us who go through these long term illnesses. If I can offer you advice about anything, it would be to take your time now for healing and grieving. You need this time for you. Build friendships with men, and if a friendship turns to romance later, you'll be happier, cuz your friendship will keep your relationship and your romance strong and healthy until you're both sitting in your rocking chairs, talking about the good old days. Take good care of yourself, please. Do something to spoil yourself this weekend, just for the fun of doing it. My prayers are with you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I love your posts, where I find wisdom. Hold onto the hope, girl, where you know you'll see that boy someday soon, even though it may seem like a long haul. When I was (a lot) younger, my priorities were sooooooo different about who I wanted to marry (don't even go there, Laura - hehehe). Now, my wife talks openly with me about remarrying, which I loathe. More, I can't bear the thought of living the rest of my own life without her. Whatever we may say about the subject of the future, to you I will say that if you love again, he must let you love your husband first, for you will always love him. I learned this from my dearest friend, you, that this love is eternal. I like this thought. It's very comforting with all I'm going through. Thanks for showing me. I'm praying for you and your children this weekend. Hope you have a great time together. always, me

[lauraa]

Mark,

Your are the one that gives me the courage to look forward after reading all your post. I think you are totally right when you say if any of us were to ever be with anyone down the road that person would totally have to accept the love and life we shared with our spouses......I know that is the only way....and, you are right that it would have to be a beautiful friendship first...just like it was with our soulmates.......My heart is always with you and your family and I truely think of you all on a daily basis. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.You have really given me so much encouragment which has turned into strength just by your wisdom and words......this grieving road is winding and full of pot holes......sometimes, I question how much more I can take. I never knew how alone a human being could actually feel in this great big world.....thank you for being there and listening to my heartaches. I hope everyone has a peaceful night.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, we've gone through what few understand, and I pray they never do. I don't want you to go through any more sorrow and pain and loneliness, just because of the illness that was in his body. We've dealt with long term illnesses, a seemingly endless torment in hell for whatever reason. How much more can we take? Good question. I've hit my breaking point so badly, I could possibly run, but my love is far too strong to ever let me do such a stupid thing. Is it okay for me to say I'm terrified, scared out of my head? Sorry, but a little of my foster care days may be creeping in here. I'm going to go to sleep, and get a little rest, so you don't have to endure "that". My prayers are with you and your dear children. I hope you can rest well, and hope you have a good week. Moi

[lauraa]

Oh Mark...remember though, that those days in foster care are when YOU had to dig as deep as you could go to muster the courage and strength to pull yourself out of the deepest hole....and it, "I am sure" was when you were at your lowest and "angriest"......look how far you have come and look at all the love surrounding you. I know all the feeling you are speaking of here. I was so terrified through the process when my husband was ill that I could NOT even bring myself to talk about the possibility that he would die......it,s fear, anger, anxiety....all bundled into one and so we go on automatic pilot to get thru each and everyday.......whenever you are down just close your eyes and know that someone is out there who really does understand and that is ME.....and all our other dear friends here.......I know it is lonely as no-one knows what to say or do to help and you hear the same old line over and over again and that i,"I didn't want to intrude" or "I know how busy you are".....it got worse after my husband "passed" because no-0ne really can or wants to deal with death so it is so lonely. And, everyone was my husbands best friend when he passed but then shortly after they all went Poof......it has been very interesting to me that whole phenomenon?????? Like I only needed help when he was ill and not now????? People do know how strong I am, though....so maybe that is why they all did a disappearing act on me????? Way to many questions......Anyhoo, I am alone in this great big world raising 3 kids that I hope I will finish the job with great dignity and success......Remember, you are not alone my friend. You have a story that just totally inspires me Mark.....and I know you cry in the quiet times for it all.....I am so sorry for all the pain you have had to endure in your life. Yesterday I pushed myself to go to the mall all by myself and for myself.....I constantly asked myself why did all this happen? How can I ever love again? What can I ever love again in this world to make me feel whole again? Then, I just want to run but there is no where to go. And,I look around at all the people and it is just so overwhelmingly lonely....then,I come home to my little cocoon with my little butterflies and then I know the three reasons why I must go on..........bless you my friend and I am sure it is late so sleep sweetly and imagine you are in god's hands.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, strength comes from our hearts. I'm no stranger to those three amigos you mentioned, fear, anxiety, and anger. Lots of tears lately. I'm thankful we met here, and have been able to become friends. I appreciate your wisdom, compassion, empathy, love and kindness through all the rough times I have to endure. As deeply sorry as I am you have been forced to go through this, permit me the selfish part of saying that without all you've suffered, I'd feel very alone at times as I go through this misery. Even though we haven't passed that place of my wife's passing yet, we've had so many friends fear not knowing what to say or do, have the uneasy feeling about just sitting with us while she rests (so I can run a quick errand or take a much needed nap), whatever. Funny how people feel so out of place? Why is it I feel like I belong right here, sitting here so we can can talk and comfort each other, and maybe grow through all we suffer. Thanks for your kind thoughts. This morning, I hope to rest very well. My prayers are with you for a perfect and safe day for you and your family. I'm always here for you, my friend, always (no poof here). I'll talk with you later on today. For the moment, I need a nap. hugs, Me

[griffinsmom]

As I read these last few posts, it reminds me of how bad today was, and how I wondered how much a person is supposed to endure and still believe there is a God that is a friend. Although I was not in foster care, I should have been-I wont go into the whole story- suffice to say my faith is being challenged, and Im sure IM not the only one. I cant wait to leave this earth, or so I think on a daily basis- since my son was killed....It seems as though I always go there when things are just too much. My grandfather and my mother both went the suicide route. My daughter keeps me here, as she is a baby and she loves me- and I never want to hurt her like that....but the escape and the destination sure are tempting. Maybe its all the spiritual warfare I have been aware of since I was kid. I feel Satan has always wanted me, and I have always resisted.

Sorry we are all going through this, AlwaysmyJennifer- your plate is very full- yet you seem to find time for others. This is a good thing. Well wishes to your wife, Im so sorry for her troubles here- I hope there are only good things ahead of her.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Griffinsmom, to lose a child is a pain I'd never wish on the devil himself (not even Osama). As much as I miss Jenni, and I'd give everything I have and am to have her back, I must face forward and walk toward the future, even though I know the future is where I will also lose my wife. I thank you for saying such a kind thing, and from my heart, I find the time for you all because I know the depth of this pain, and I want to help others through the journey. We draw strength from where we can and must. For me, my wife, children and grandson give me the strength to move on in this life. I'm sorry your mom and grandfather took their own lives. This can often introduce an emotional devaluation system in a child's mind, which is carried for life. From what I see, you didn't inherit this value system. You're life is valued within your family, closely knit with your children, especially your daughter. There are many things which can test our faith. Honestly, I could have easily chucked it recently over losing Jenni and my wife's worsening condition, yet, my faith also is what I rely on to keep my sweet wife with me. I hope you can see God for more than a cosmic killjoy. He's not out to make us all miserable (even though we seem to have plenty of it to go around). This is what life is, a sad thing, made of sorrow. I have only to think of Jenni to see this. God didn't kill her, some jerk rapist did. I pray you have plenty of peace, and all you need for today - every day.

[starchild]

Hi Everyone, First as usual I'd like to give praises to my Lord and Saviour for any measure of peace that I have today. Hope everyone is holding their ground in this battle. I think I finally have recognized my least favorite phrase in this whole grieving process. It is "God does'nt put on you any more than you can handle". Sometimes I wish God didn't trust me so much. It's a blessing/curse. It have to wonder, if I was spiritually challenged, would I be going through this? Is it because of that strength that I(as well as others here)was chosen to bear these burdens? Maybe the pain is blurring my vision. I used to tell Stanley all the time that as much as I loved him, I couldn't put him before God, because he would take him from me. That 1st commandment, you know. It was so important to me that we get married so that we would bring God into our relationship. I loved Stanley and I wanted him under the umbrella of mercy with me. Stanley of course questioned how I could be on it like that. He never understood how my faith could be so strong. That after everything, we were a miracle. I wonder if he was scared when he passed over. He had left here so suddenly. I know his mother had to calm him down. That must have been some meeting, him and the Lord.

Laura: Thank you for ministering to my spirit. I hear that's what angels do. I feel alot of identification with you. Even though we took different paths we are in the same place. Truth be told, I don't do this for me, I do it for my kids. We had scratched and scrapped so hard for our litte piece of happiness. My life feels like it ended in January when defeat was snatched out of the jaws of victory. I'll never understand why he took him home. But in time I hope to find a place for all this. Please take care of yourself and have a blessed day

Mark: I hope you're taking care of yourself. You're the angel that flies because he take himself so lightly. When my grandmother was sick, I was at the hospital all the time, and it's not easy watching someone you love so dearly suffer. The pain is one thing, that's natural. But the pain....I watch it twist her up unnaturally. The end was her blessing. I hope that you and Mary are living life to it's fullest. Whatever that is for you. Peace be with you.

Till then.

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

Starchild you're right I hate that phrase, my all time worse question is " How are you?" You know that they really don't want to know and if they know you well enough they'll know the answer. Some day I'd just like to say sucky how are you? but I don't talk like that but somedays...Griffinsmom, you can see how some people would take the easy way out..if we didn't have our faith..and if we didn't have other people depending on us.. I know that we'll be together..but not soon enough for me..people talk about not wanting to die.but if the Lord called me home now it'd be okay..except I'm raising my daughter Erinn's beautiful child Katie, we got her nose pierced today..she'll be 14 in October and her mother had said that she could have it done..it was so hard..I missed Erinn so much, this would have been something that they would have done together..Katie is worried that she won't remember her mom, says she can't remember..Someone told me that God left the stronger person behind when he took my daughter...but I don't feel strong..and I don't want to be the one that everyone leans on. sorry that this is so negative, someone said that having a buddy that you could talk to really helps, I tried 4 different times and noone replied to my emails. My doctor did give me a name of a woman who had lost her daughter 3 years ago..we have a lot in common..I know that God doesn't make any mistakes. He never ceases to amaze me.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone~! I am here again today asking for prayer. But not for me this time. A friend of ours has a 3 year old grandson named Caleb. Caleb has recently been diagnosed with brain cancer. It was so far progressed that he is now undergoing chemo and radiation. And as I'm sure you all could imagine, it is taking it's toll on his poor little body. So if you would please give this little boy every positive thought and prayer you can.

Thank you all~!

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, my prayers are his, constantly. I remember going through this with my nephew, and watching my sister having to deal with all of her feelings, and then hold up under the stress for him. From my whole (very large) family, our prayers will be for Caleb. luvz to you and Kagan too, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, you don't sound as negative as you do in pain. For those moments when you need to talk, you may email me anytime at bluesbass72@yahoo.com. I'd give everything I have and am to have Jenni back, but I'm sure this can't be, no matter how much I pray. Last May marked ten years since that (censored) took her life. God may not give us back our little girls, but He will give us comort and peace through other people. I see that so much here, from a few special friends in particular. Now, about that nose ring. . . I can just imagine how cute it looks on Katie. Okay, we're from that aged generation (I'm a Woodstock hippie), so we can't possibly understand what's cool or hip. hehehe. Through it all, Laurie, from one parent who lost a child to another, I know, and I'm praying for you. If I ask how you are feeling, it's because I truly care and want to know how you are doing, as a friend. Take care, and please try to do a little something just for you. Spoil yourself a little. I'll talk with you later. Jenni'sdad, Mark

[lauraa]

Starchild,

Thank you for your kind words....I feel my faith is being challenged and I have lots and lots of questions as to why such a beautiful man/person could be taken down so painfully, suddenly and tragicly.....why? Why did we work so hard our entire lives for the good? Why am I left alone to raise these kids by myself? Why has everyone gone away? I have changed so much. Not my core but I look at the world in a much different way. I do not have a zest for it anymore and wonder if I ever will and if I do, what will it take? What is my mission going to be? What will drive me? My energy is low and I don't even try to challenge people and things.....it seems my world is small purposefully just to survive. My outlook on things have changed and I don't judge people but I can see many who sit in the front pew weekly but don't seem to do the right things.....I think when they say they are praying it shouldn't be for me but for themselves (someone recently said that to me)....perhaps they are right? I have to stick to myself alot just to get thru my days. At first it was the nights that were the roughest to get thru then I dreaded the days and now I am sort of introverted into my own little universe holding my husband so close to my heart, missing having him and just grieving alone because no-one even seems to care anymore.....I feel truely alone in this world....even my kids don't realize the loss that I have had I don't think.......Angels, oh yes.........I believe.......and, I think it is our loved ones who have passed on but who are still with us always........bless you my fellow traveler!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I have to agree with you on your well-made point. Not only is God not the one to give us something only for the reason of our ability to put up with it, I think He wants us to have the best in life. Do you remember the story in the Gospels of the Prodigal son? He did absolutely nothing in life worthy of his father's blessing and goodness, but as soon as his father saw him returning home, a fattened calf was roasted, the best clothes in the closet were put on the boy (after the servants gave him a much needed bath). God isn't into causing us heartache, but happiness. Life itself is heartache enough, but God sends people to comfort us and help us along the way. Thank you for your very kind words. I gather such strength from what you wrote, especially after today. It was a little stressful, and I needed to be with people who have faith. My prayers will rest with you and your children. I won't tell you to be strong, but I will ask you to try to do a little something special for yourself. You need to be pampered too. This is important. May you have the peace of His Spirit upon you throughout the day, and be comforted by angels. always here, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, please forgive me "peeking" into the post. Of course, our mindsets change as we go through this life and heart altering event. We are created by God with emotions, feelings, these tender little hearts that are so easily broken. But we are blessed by these feelings, because other people use them to comfort us when we hurt so much after suffering such a painful loss. Yes, we feel isolation and a deprivation of love, but this is because we no longer have the close marriage relationship with the precious one we just lost. God can comfort us by a person though, by sending someone to give a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a compassionate heart to listen to our complaints and feelings, and yes, this can be all in one person, a simple friend. God didn't take him from you to hurt you personally. You are not even in the equation of his passing from this life. No, my dear friend, I can't give you any reasonable answer to why a person dies, but I do know it's NOT to hurt those they love. Please try to get the rest you need, and eat as well as you should. If you should begin to feel overwhelmed, allow yourself time to relax and sort out the issues at hand. My prayers are with you and your precious children. May you all have peace. a friend, Mark

[lauraa]

Mark,

You know what....sometimes, I do think god took my husband from me to punish me for not being good enough.......don't be disapppointed in me for that but that is how I feel sometimes because I cannot come up with anything else that makes any sense. Maybe it is the anger we all go thru when we do loose our loved ones........it is by far the worst thing that has happened to me....don't know if my heart will ever mend from this.....Maybe this is the catholic upbringing I had where we were brain washed with guilt????? I know god loves me and I pray my honey is there and happy, happy, happy. Thanks!

[kagansmommy]

Laurra, I know exactly how you feel. Kagan was the result of an affair. I am very ashamed of that fact but it is true none the less. I have been told by so many people that he died as my punishment for doing what I did that I honestly believe it. Why else would God take away such a beautiful and innocent child?

I am so sick of "God has a reason for everything". There is NO reason in this world that I know of that was worth losing my child for. So it has to be punishment for my sin. Like you said, nothing else makes sence. The guilt is so overwhelming and painful. I will never be the same again. Kagan's 3rd birthday is July 7th so the guilt is weighing heavy on my heart right now.

My heart goes out to you along with my prayers.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan ~ Happy Birthday"

[erinnzmom]

Christy,

God did not punish you by taking Kagan, Do not listen to anyone who says such a thing..You know that Kagan is running and playing and doing all the things that he couldn't do on this earth..we will be together with our children again..One thing that I really got after Erinn died was the gift God gave us..He sent His only son to die for our sins..if there were any way for me to have saved my daughter...I would have done it and too bad for the rest of the world. God had a choice..Jesus did not die easily..God could have stopped that at any moment..and yet He didn't.. we get to spend eternity with Him and our children..I'm not telling you that we don't hurt..the pain that we all feel with the loss of our children ..it can't even be described.. and if the world ended tomorrow that would be okay by me..then everyone that I loved would be together..none of this left behind stuff...I can see how some people would choose suicide over living with this pain every day.. but God's not finished with us yet.. we still have people depending on us..and we wouldn't want to cause someone else this kind of pain would we?Lauraa.. God isn't punishing you either..what would be bad enough for God to take away our loved ones?? I will be praying for you all..I'll be thinking of you on Kagan's third birthday..Erinns angel date is coming up the 30th of July and I'm dreading it so..I'm glad that I found this site and knowing that we're not alone in this journey does help...May God Bless you all.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, first, as your friend, I'd never tell you that God would do such a horrible thing just to hurt you and crush your heart and spirit. God heals, the devil destroys. Second, from my education in seminary, in grad school, I will say the sweetest words in the Bible, "Jesus wept". He feels your pain and sorrow, Laura. We know the emotional pain death wails upon us, like it's someone's idea of torture, and we're the victims. This isn't because God hates us, is angry at us, or because He thinks we're strong enough to handle it. I'm sorry you lost your precious husband, Christy lost Kagan, and I'm going to lose my wife. My wife thinks of it like this. She believes her passing from this world will be a respite from her struggle against the sins in the world that can get between us and God. My prayers are always with you, my dear friend. I'm not going to patronize you with "be strong", but comfort you with my offer to always be here to listen when you need to talk, to lend a shoulder when you need. May you have all you need for this day. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, God didn't punish you, sis. He blessed you with a very beautiful baby boy. If God punished me openly for everything I did, just think about it, I'd be in a basket, on a one way trip to what ain't the Promised Land. I have no answer for you as to why sweet little Kagan became so ill, and left our world so soon. I just don't know. But, I can guarantee you this, Christy; he lit up his beautiful mommy's life and heart with his little 'froggie' smile, and gave you a big box of memories in a short time. He's in Heaven, hon. I know this. Jenni told me. But please don't beat up yourself for how he came into the world. Rejoice that you are Kagan's mommy, a very special mommy indeed. luv ya, sis. Now go spoil yourself, okay. My prayers are with you. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, thank you for saying what you did so beautifully. What could we ever do so bad that God would do that in return? I don't see it like this at all. God gives life. By the time you get to read this, your weekend will be nearly half over, yet I pray you and Katie are enjoying it to its fullest. May God bless you both with His very best. My prayers are with you. hugz, Mark

[lauraa]

Thank you for your support Christy and Mark.......I think the reason I feel that way sometimes is that I felt god was "almighty",could do anything and heal if he wanted, We worked so hard and made all the right choices to do good in this world and make a difference.....and so, I am so hurt that with all our effects that god didn't find a way to heal him so that we could continue to do our best here on earth to make a difference and make it better. Why with all the horrible things happening in our world would god not rebute the devil and why are innocent, good, decent human being being taken down without warning??????Am I in a league all my own here with these questions? This grieving sucks.

[erinnzmom]

Mark,

did you delete an email from babynurse33? My brother did, he thought it was junk mail. I am a babynurse and I'm on the 21st anniversay of my 33rd birhday.

I'm having a rough one again..I've got bronchitis..it brought back memories of losing Erinn..she had pneumonia a month before she died and she told me she thought it was coming back and in less than 24 hours from when she said that she was dead..I hate that word.I hate this pain..how can she be gone from this world..I did read some excerpts from Hello, from Heaven and I know that i've had some contact with her..twice in my dreams and once while I was taking care of a 34 year who'd just been diagnosed with cancer..I have a gift of healing hands and I was thinking that I was doing something for this pt that I didn't get to do for Erinn and I felt her there with me..it made me cry but I know that she was there..thanks for listening to my ramblings..

Laurie

always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, in all honesty, I may have done such a thing. I am very sorry for this. I'll watch for you. Babynurse? What a perfect profession, getting to play with the little babies, and getting to be so close to the wonder of the beginning of our journeys. I trust you are happy and proud in this career. Happy anniversary of the birthday (did I get it right?) hehehe. As for those birthdays, I feel like one of those little single records on a juke box - a 45. I think the best part of being this age is getting to begin "round two", as in seeing the kids having their own kids. My dear friend, it's perfectly okay to hate that word. I know what it is to hate a word. Please "ramble" on more! I think this is amazing and beautiful that you've been able to sense and feel Erinn with you. Again, I am sorry if I messed up an email, for which I beg your forgiveness and ask that you mash the send button again. We have an offer by a doctor who claims a high percent of success in treating patients with the dystrophy my wife has. We're apprehensive of most of these things, as we've seen so many go down in flames, usually at the patient's expense and agony. But, as I read into this one, I wonder if this doctor may honestly have something. I'll keep you up to date on my research. for now, have fun on your holiday, you and Katie. from my little corner of the world, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, no, my friend, you are not alone, not in your own league in this. I have been so fiendishly close to shameful things, even while I was in prayer, and for what. . . not one thing I say or do can change the inevitible. For all we lose in this "process", I think there are also things we gain. We may not gain some great tangible thing, but a small and priceless gift. If I may be so bold to say this, through the depths of your sorrow, you have continued in your devotion and love for your beautiful children, raising them to take their places in society with dignity, honor, humility, and compassion for others who may be hurting. Your friendship has helped me through some rather difficult days when I didn't honestly have a clue of how to manage the overwhelming sorrow. I once read that our character is shaped by what we suffer. If perchance this be true, then Laura, I am honored to know and be friends with a person of truly great character. My wife and I keep many prayers for you and your family. We hope you can feel a sense of strength and hope through them. a friend, Mark

[lauraa]

Hey Mark,

Thank you for your words of encouragement....I need them. I am strong but I have my times when the lonliness, saddness, anger and disappointment all manage to creep in on me. Holidays are so rough to get through and it seems everytime I get thru one, here comes another....I try not to bring others down on these boards when I post and if I have I am sorry. Thank you and Mary for your prayers. I pray you all and believe me when I say I think of you alot. I am struggling to love life again after loosing my husband....he was everything to me and life is just not the same. Not to mention both parents and grieving the loss of friends and family who don't have the strength to support me and my family thru our roughest times.......Death is a taboo......no-one wants to talk about it and seems they all think life just goes on like it did or they think I should meet someone else and then everything will be o.k. What a phenomenon! No-one would understand unless they personally have experienced what we all here are going thru. Bless you all and I hope you and everyone here in our family have a decent holiday.

[erinnzmom]

Mark,

I took your advice and went swimming with Kate, and her grandfather talked me into going to the fair and fireworks tonight..we took Kate and her friend Chelsea, it won't be long before they won't want us around..as we know any thing can happen..I do love my job, bringing new life into the world and helping them get started on their journey..sometimes it's bittersweet, one of the questions they all ask is. Do you have any children? I practiced , and I say that I have a daughter and two granddaughers..It threw me for a loop when someone asked me how old she was..I din't know what to reply...31 the age that she became an angel or 32 since she had a birthday after her death..I really don't share with my patients that I've lost a child..it's a happy time for them..as it should be..I'll pray about the doctor for your wife..Hope you had a good weekend. so many firsts are still happening that they are still blindsiding me..

Thank you for listening..

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, isn't "family" a fascinating creation? Had we listened to their "advice", we'd most likely be in the deepest messes of our lives??? To give you an idea, I told my family I was searching for my daughter, and was told to give up, that she'd never want to talk to me. Had I listened, I'd have not heard "I love you Grandpa" for a long time to come. This is YOUR journey, not theirs. You are always welcome to talk about those taboos with your friend, just because they aren't taboo with me. I have few taboo topics. I hope this holiday was pleasant for you. I trust I don't whine too much, but this wasn't a happy day here. We spent our day trying to get things ready for my wife's first day in the nursing home, which will be Wednesday. I feel miserable, guilty, for being unable to care for her better, needing more sleep, and a few other issues. With this, I maybe don't deal with stress all that well right now, so I've been very tense about it. Fortunately, my daughter spent a lot of time on the phone with me. I needed to talk to her. I'm a very fortunate Daddy to have the children God gave me. Remember, there are never taboo topics in our home, and you are always welcome to talk to us. We're happy and blessed by your friendship. Hope you have a happy Wednesday. Stay in touch, dear friend. My prayers are with you. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, I understand the bittersweet. I became a daddy at 13. Although I love being dad, and grandpa, it's more grit than glory, more work than reward. Coming up with an answer to satisfy curiosity, althewhile maintaining our sanity is such a difficulty. My wife and I lost eleven of our babies to miscarriage, several in late term, so we'd named them. Three were girls, Christiana, Cassandra, and Chantelle. My wife wanted a little girl so very much, and losing them, especially the twins, devastated her in the worst way. We often wonder about them, ya know, what they'd be like, how'd they'd do in college, work, what kind of boyfriend they'd choose, how tall they'd be (we're both very tall and my wife so very beautiful). I am sorry to dote on. See what happens to an old man when he gets talking about his kids? hehehe. anyhow, I'll talk with you later on, my friend. Email if you'd like, or we'll visit here. My prayers are with you and Katie, for all you need to get through today. If you need anything, just ask, and we'll do what we can to help. hugs for you both, me

[erinnzmom]

Mark,

I'm so sorry for all of you and your wife's losses. Eleven babies..I can't even imagine..I wonder ..will all your children be grown when you meet them in heaven? Do you get to be the "perfect age"? and what is it? That'll be some reunion when you reunite with all your children. I'm sending you extra prayers and hugs today. We had to put my dad in a nursing home last Sept. He has Alzheimers ..It's so difficult..but there reaches a time that caring for a loved one at home just isn't possible. Unfortunately, we're not superman..Life is just so not fair..like this is a bulletin, huh? Do something nice for yourself today..I have to keep reminding myself that this time on earth is just a twinkling and we will be together for eternity..but even with our faith it is so painful..I can't imagine not knowing that we'll be together in heaven.without my faith to cling to..I'd be in the psych ward..Take care of yourself..

In my prayers,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom