I Believe in God...

[starchild]

Good Morning Everyone: I hope this posting finds all being good to themselves, again if only for today. In spite of my efforts sometimes to diminish God's favor in me, I am truly blessed and I must keep that up front. The love of my life died died 19 weeks ago this morning and without my faith that something positive will come out of this, I would be lost. God knows how much love Stanley and I had to give not only to each other but to our world. I have to trust the master's plan. The pressures of life have definitely turned this lump of coal into a jewel. Now comes the polishing. I posted on another topic that experience is a hard teacher, it gives the test first and the lessons afterwards. I have read that "strength is given according to our faith" and that "your faith is sufficient that it should heal you. Those are two powerful statements for me. I have to have a reason to keep getting at this.

Thank you Mark, I stopped giving what that son of a punk did power over me long time ago. He got that one, but God's got him. Sorry about your friend. Luv ya!!!!

Renee, I loved that acronym for the bible. My prayers for you and your beloved April. Drive safely.

John, thank you for your sharing, it helped get me through this week. Stay close, I'm gonna need you too.

Everyone have a blessed weekend, be healthy, be safe and God's speed.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Renee, how did we end up doing this one? My sweetie wanted a little girl even before we met, so when she was pregnant for Christi, we named her as soon as we knew we were having a girl. Then, Casi was the same, but I named her. But, no "i" in Chantelle. Have you ever noticed a baby's personality before birth? Our son was a riot, which got very tiring on mommy when I talk him to kick just by saying the word. He's our outdoor boy, mountain climbing, hunting, fishing, all that stuff. Jenni stops in to visit sometimes, and once, I swear she brought her "sisters" with her. Do you think??? I could easily tell Christi's personality that night from way before she was born. I gotta be careful with what I type. I have an Eric Johnson cd on, and it's got my hands wanting to move (time to grab my '62 Strat). Have a fun holiday, and remember, boys like the Indy 500. luv ya sis, with hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, way to go with the return on investment to that thing (I guess my Christianity makes me at least care enough to identify it as human???). Thank you for thinking of us through the loss. To make it really hurt, my neighbor died at 7 pm on Jenni's day. He was a good friend and neighbor, even though he had a problem with the bottle. We are here for a journey, and we travel until our mission is complete, not in our perspective, but by God's choice. My prayers include you daily. Hope you have a grear holiday weekend.

To Jennifer Kacy Lee, I love you eternally, with all of my heart. Dad

Talk with you soon. Luv and hugs, me

[kagansmommy]

Good morning to you all~!! Today marks 16 months that God took the sweetest angel ever born home to be with him. Kagan has been gone almost as long as he was here with me. It is killing me because I don't want time to pass. I don't want the memories to fade. I don't even want the pain to go away. I went to the cemetary today to look at all the little things the family had left for him. Frog's, flowers, and pin wheels. There was no air at all and his pin wheel was turning. His way of telling us hello I'm sure.

I had a dream about him several months ago where he was telling me he found his big sister. I was clueless until I remembered my miscarriage 15 years ago...it was a girl. I never thought of a fetus going on to Heaven that way. But I am so glad she did and I'm glad Kagan found her. Her name was Katie. Now I feel as if I have lost two children but I have peace knowing they found each other.

My ex was a little shocked when I called and told him we had a daughter. After I explained what I meant he was excited too.

Mark, Christi was an excellent mane for your baby girl~! :>)

Take care all and happy holiday~!

Christy

"I love you and miss you Kagan"

[Guest Guest]

YES I believe in GOD! we all go through struggles some more than others but let us comfort one another in our hurts that is one of the commandments love one another. peace be unto you all GOD BLESS

www.spiritlessons.com

[Guest Guest]

GOD bless you all again!!

and anyone wanting more christian website just email me ill send some to you.

www.newlife.com

[aprilsmom]

Good morning Christy, 16 months for you, 18 for me, 2 yrs. for a friend of mine today............I pray that today you will be held in His hand and given a some of that peace that passes all understanding. Wow, having your kids together in heaven - I never really thought about that. There was a baby I didn't carry to term....a friend told me she envisioned April holding hands with a little girl. Someday maybe I'll get to know. Sometimes I'm jealous of our kids that have gone before us, I just wouldn't want them to feel this pain--no way! Take Care mommy of Kagan! Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, this month has been difficult for me, so I occasionally get a little quiet. This is Jenni's tenth year. I'm still so angry I could punch a forklift (my hand is bandaged up, but from getting on the wrong end of an animal attack, not from punching heavy equipment). I remember when we talked about your miscarriage, and I believe Kagan is hanging out with big sis and having a universe of fun with her. Thanks for the comment on our girls' names. To lose a child by miscarriage tosses parents into a difficult place. Just because this baby wasn't born, does it mean they are any less a human? Does it mean we can't feel the same sorrow and loss, even though we never had that sweet privilege of holding our child or seeing their beautiful face? Sorrow is a response we encounter out of love for someone, not based on how long the person lived, or was even born. Christi and Casi would be 20 years old this year, but dear old dad still cries for them. I miss them so much. As my wife's health deteriorates, I think I miss them even more, because I can't see them, but all too soon, I won't have my wife either. I hate this pain. luv ya sister, with big hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, think of April playing with her little sis! I sometimes go to pieces thinking of four of my own girls up in Heaven, having a great time, and experiencing all of Heaven's glory and beauty while we still struggle with the sins - who stole whose pencil or cut who off on the freeway??? Life is far too grand and glorious for such "petty" things as sin. I kinda wonder if Kagan and his sister, my girls, yours, and the millions of others, are enjoying the greatest playground in the universe? I hope April and Jenni are babysitting. Get some rest, my sis, and rest in knowing I'm praying for you all. hugs from lil ol me

[griffinsmom]

I have this preplexing question....I have been told that our children-my son- is "sleeping", awaiting the resurrection of Jesus- when Griffin and all our kids will be resurrected as well.....but I wonder how our kids can be visiting us and giving us signs- and be "sleeping" at the same time. This may sound like a stupid question, but really- it very much confuses me. Like being told my son was called by God to do a bigger job in heaven, at the same time being told he is "sleeping"...I really wish someone could tell me about this, as the opposing ideas on such a personal thing is keeping me up at nights, and putting me down during the day. Thanks for anyone who can settle this in some way.

Also- peace to all of us who are enduring this never-ending "hell".

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Griffinsmom, I hope I can answer your questions. I went through college for ministry, so I'll try, and try to say this in a way that isn't offensive. The word "sleep" goes back to old English, when the first English Bible was translated. The word means the rest we are entitled to in Heaven, not an altered state of mind where we can't remember our loved ones still alive. God draws our lives to a close so we may be with Him and enjoy the rest, not so we can perform some greater task. Our time in Heaven will be spent resting, singing and praising God for His righteousness. I think the "great work" some people refer to may involve action among us still here, but there is nothing in the Bible about such a thing, so I take it as a fable. I know some people believe this so they can have a reason explaining the death of someone young, or someone who was beloved and compassionate. It's an attempt to answer "why?". I can't answer this, nor would I dare venture into such surmising. There is a resurrection in the future, but it doesn't mean that it's the basis for our admittance into Heaven. It's a day of miracles, when God somehow rejoins our souls and bodies, and we are completely human in Heaven, not just there in our soul and spirit. I believe Jennifer is in Heaven, and that she can somehow either visit me or let me sense her presence somehow. I pray you don't think Griffin is stuck somewhere - he isn't. He is enjoying a place of beauty we can only try to imagine.

[griffinsmom]

I just wrote a post and got booted....

and what about mediums? and "school" in heaven? I went to a medium, and she was able to tell me quite a bit- but she also said Griffin was in school in Heaven, and his job is to watch over his sister (she is 19 mos old tomorrow)- mostly, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up- but Gianna makes me deal, so I do. Im glad she is a happy person. I feel I get many contacts from him, and I don't want to discredit his monumental efforts by not believing he is doing these things. I have a website for Griffin- http://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com- there is a section under tributes that repeats a dream he wrote about and sent to his friend...I found it- the entry is called "The Dream", it is very cool- you have to draw your own conclusions....the site links to his xanga site, where there are photos and a bit more honest account of life without your child. Hope you can visit. Again, thanks soooo much for your time, and your help with everyone on these boards. I have been reading your posts since before you were AlwaysmyJennifer. Hope all is bearable, and your wife is handling her situation.

Thank you so much for taking time to help me out here, as I do know you have alot on your plate.

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

I\'m new to this message board and posting. I lost my beloved daughter Erinn 10 months ago on July 30, 2005. She was 31 @ the time. I talked to her the night before she died and she said I think that my pneumonia is coming back I\'m short of breath. She had sprained her ankle on Tues and this was Fri night. I\'m a nurse and a mother and I\'ve gone over this so many times. Would the outcome have been any different if I had taken her to the emergency room that night? I don\'t know I had just finished working 2 12 hour shifts and she had just taken meds for the pain in her ankle.The last thing that she said to me on July 29th was I love you Mommy! This post is supposed to be about believing in God. The next day @ noon my son in law called and said Erinn was having a hard time breathing and she was going to be in the hospital for a couple of days. 45 minutes later I received a frantic call that all her systems were shutting down and we needed to get there right away!!! My husband, myself and my 12 yr old granddaughter fell to the floor on our knees and prayed for healing. It\'s a 50 minute ride to the hospital where she was...As you can imagine I was frantic I kept praying and then halfway through the ride to the hospital..I was filled with such peace and a voice said that Erinn would be alright..I turned to my husband and granddaughter and told them she\'ll be alright. I know now that God\'s alright and my alright were not the same thing. Within 7 hours of being admitted to the hospital my darling daughter had gone to be with the Lord. I never got to talk to her the day that she died.. she was already on a respirator when we got to the hospita.I know that I\'ll see my beautiful child when I get to Heaven. The day of her service when we all raised our right hands in prayer...my right hand felt like the sun was there, noone else felt this. I\'m sorry that this is so long..today is a really bad day for me..it\'s been 10 months and I keep thinking that I should be better and then I\'m in this place of such pain..I know that it\'s because so much other stuff is happening in my life..my dad is in a nursing home with Alzheimers, my mother is newly diagnosed with Parkinson\'s, my husband was severely depressed and my granddaughter was flunking three subjects....I read that what God brings you to God will bring you through and I do believe that..if I didn\'t belive that I\'d see her again..I would have to be locked up..I\'m sorry that this is so long..Thank you for reading this.

In His Name,

Erinnzmom

[aprilsmom]

Dear Erinnzmom- It has been 18 months since I lost my 26 yr. old daughter in an auto accident. Not only did I want to express my condolenses but to tell you that the 11th month was the hardest in the first year and I don't even know why. I spent most of it crying. Like you, I saw April 11 minutes before the accident, just happened to be in the wrong neighborhood at the right time...so strange that her mom was the last to see her. Anyway, sorry, I too just wonder if I had talked to her for 10 more seconds if that truck would have missed her. But then, would their deaths have occured anyway at a different time or day? No answers-yet. Please visit her website that one of her friends made if you have a minute- once again, so sorry to have to meet you here but please stay because there are wonderful people to help you get from day to day. Take Care, Renee

www.aprilduarte.com

[aprilsmom]

Dear Griffinsmom, It is always good to see you here lady. Ya know, I had the same questions you did about being "asleep". It's in Thesalonians in case you wanted to look it up. I know that because all my Christian friends kept bringing it up to me. I fought the answers until a pastor told me that "asleep' meant passed on. Then something happened, one of my friends said, "hey Renee, if your other kids are in the house, but they're sleeping, don't you agree that they're still WITH YOU"? This comforted me a lot! I too, went to a medium (by the way, the Bible says it's dangerous to try to contact dead persons but I went anyway). Now that I look back, the things he said were just too generic, although it shook me a bit when he asked which son I was mad at. I didn't tell him which or how many kids I have so maybe he got lucky? Okay, so say these people have some sort of Connection - I think as long as we don't get so wrapped up in it that the rest of our lives go to pot that maybe it's okay? I would like to think that our kids are preparing for our arrival. I read the most interesting book about a man that lost his son in a plane crash and spent his grief experience riding a bike from coast to coast (Riding With the Blue Moth)- They both worked for the NCAA men's basketball program at the University of Oklahoma. In the book he said that his son visited him in a dream and said to tell his mom not to worry. His dad asked him to please, please stay in touch and his son said that he would try for sure but that he didn't know if he could. Hmmm. school? busy? ya know what? I've read alot about that type of thing from authors that believe in reincarnation and BELIEVE me, I don't want any of our kids coming back to this place, they were too darn good for this world and we get to GO To THEM! Sorry if I intruded on any belief system you might have-I'm no judge that's for sure; just want you to have some peace of mind too. I will visit Griffin's site again and read about his dream. Take Care, Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Erinnzmom, I am so deeply sorry you lost your precious daughter. Yes, God will use our reason for turning to Him as a tool in our lives. I have learned here, not from my seminary training and it's little masters degree, that when God stated in Scripture that He would comfort those who mourn, He intended for us believers to comfort each other. With this, I'm happy to tell you that the believers I have met here have been by my side through many dark days. My wife has a terminal illness, which fills her with unspeakable pain. My screen name is in honor of my first born, Jennifer, who died at 21 years old at the hands of the monster who raped and killed her. Aprilsmom, a dear friend and Christian, has been a constant support and comfort for me through my suffering. I will keep you and your family in prayer for the peace, hope, comfort, and strength you need and deserve through this time. We are always here to listen, to talk, and to comfort. You didn't write too long a post, just right. Please feel free to write as much as you feel you need to, and we'll be honored to read about your dear and beloved girl. from the heart of a believer, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I'm in perfect agreement in your train of thought, sis. You don't want April back in this sinful, wicked world any more than I want Jennifer to be subjected to any situation that would result in another rape and (sorry, but I just can't say that one word). I want to go to her, to Christiana, Cassandra, and Chantelle. Can you picture the reunion in my family, when we all meet in Heaven? You'll know it's us, by all the tears of joy, screaming and yelling in happiness, and that enormous family hug that may just last a millenium or so. While I'm here, would you please pray for my grandson??? He will need eye surgery within two to three months. They are watching him now, and how his eyes change or don't change will determine what kind of surgery and how many procedures he'll need. Grandpa is very worried, even though I'm sure the doctors know what they're doing - I'm still scared cuz he's "MY" grandson. I'll stay in touch, and we'll always be able to pray together, even though the miles separate us. luv ya Christian sister, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Griffinsmom, a few have been here since before I did that name change. My first screen name was for my other daughter, Tina. She's my sweetheart, and the mommy of my grandson, now 5. He needs to have eye surgery, but not for about eight to twelve weeks, depending. I don't know of any Bible text that says people from Heaven are assigned to watching over loved ones, but I have read things that make it a possibility. Please don't take this as offensive, but Jesus said a man was in hell, and asked for a messenger to return to tell his family, so they could be spared the same fate. The wording is such that it sounds like a visit from someone in Heaven is possible, so I am not going to be the guy saying dogmatically that it can't happen. School in Heaven is a new one on me, but let's look at Heaven this way. There is a great banquet hall there, and Jesus will have a wedding feast there one day (written in the book of Revelation). There are designated places of worship in Heaven also. If this is the case, I guess there is no reason to assume that no schools exist. If there are, I may just try to sign up for music school (I'm a pro musician). Thank you for asking about my family. My wife is still hanging in there, struggling with the dystrophy. She has suffered several strokes over the last twelve months. Her pain and the stroke damage keep me busy caring for her. I haven't played a concert in almost two years, just from being too concerned with her care. We are now on a waiting list for a nursing home, which will be better for her care, and allow me the freedom to perform again. So, although the disease marches along, we have some hope for today. It's a good feeling to see a break in all the stress. Thank you again for asking and caring, and for your participation on BI. This is "OUR" place, where we are understood and accepted in our sorrow. May you find what you need for today. Mark

[kagansmommy]

Erinnzmom, first of all I am so sorry about your daughter. I have to agree with you that God's "alright" is not the same as ours. I prayed and prayed for my son Kagan to be ok. But that didn't happen...at least not here on earth. He was 18 month's old when he passed away 1/28/2005. Born with no chance of survival. After he passed away my pastor appologized because he felt as if he failed Kagan. I told him we had gotten what what we had prayed for for month's. We just forgot to ask for it to be here on earth. God's "alright" was for Kagan to be with him. I am ok with that because here Kagan couldn't walk, talk, sit up, crawl, or feed himself. Now Kagan has endless possibilities and I am sure he has taken advantage of all of them. I look at the world today and I know without a doubt Kagan is the lucky one. We are stuck here in the hell we call life. I cry for him everyday. I mourn as deeply today as I did the day he passed away. Luckily I was holding my beautiful little boy in my arm's when he took his last breath. He went out of this world with me rocking him in my arm's.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Christy (Kagansmommy)

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[johngee]

Hello All,

A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about the “why” question. He lost his wife to cancer about three years ago and he is a saved Christian who loves and serves God. I expressed to him my anger and confusion over why God allowed my wife to pass from this earth. He reminded me that I don’t know the whole plan as God does, and “why” is to simply promote His kingdom. My friend’s statement makes God out to be some ruthless marketing type who takes a “knock ‘em dead” approach to product promotion, but this explanation makes perfect sense to me.

When we lost our son, David, my wife sought answers to “why” through Scriptures. Although she believed in God before then, she was not saved and to my knowledge had never studied Scriptures. Less than six weeks later she was saved and gave her life back to Jesus. Over the next 4 ½ years, God used her constantly. She had a gift for delivering the Gospel in a very loving and compelling way. She told me that the work she did was for love of Jesus, and gave deep meaning to David’s short life. Without our loosing David, I’m sad to say, it’s unlikely any of this would have happened. Lore's work touched many and who’s to say how many, looking for answers as why God took her home, will take the same path that she took and find salvation through Jesus Christ?

Is God not doing similar work through our individual losses? Do we not comfort one another with messages of His love for us? Do we not lift each other up in prayer? Do we not strive to glorify God in our grief? Is He not giving our losses meaning by using them to promote His kingdom through our work?

Though when my friend told me this, it was not the detailed answer I was looking for, it brings comfort. It is the answer God gave me for the time being. Maybe in the future God will reveal more, but for now this answer will do.

John

[erinnzmom]

Thank you all for replying to my post. Renee, I went to your daughter's web site.She is beautiful! Thank you for telling me that the 11th month was hard.I feel like I'm going crazy. The tears seem to not be very far away. I'm sorry for everyone's loss. God doesn't make any mistakes. I don't know why I'm surprised. He keeps showing me where I need to be. I was in a bad place and I found beyond Indigo and when I was trying to pick a message board, Beliefs and religion kept popping up. Mark, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Jennifer. I'll pray for you and your wife as you struggle through this time. Christy, I'm sure that Kagan is running and playing and having a great time in Heaven. I'll add you all to my prayr list. Thank you for being there. Laurie

[starchild]

Good Morning Everyone. First to give honor and praise to my Higher Power for another chance to get it right. I saw a rainbow the other evening when I left home and it was on time. Before I left, I was going through my own set of "why" and I was kind of down. Let go and let God. Yeah right! I'm a decendent of the original hard heads, Adam and Eve. They ate from that tree and we've been asking questions ever since. I guess he knew I needed to see a miracle. A little reminder to keep my eye on the prize. He continues to give me strength when I don't feel like being strong, courage when I don't feel like fighting and peace when everyone around me wants war. I forget sometimes that I'm made in his image. For reasons known only to him, I'm where he wants me to be in the plan. He had to know that the losses I've endured were going to hurt. Making a testament of my faith. It's hard being one of his. He is a tough boss and the demands are ridiculous.(smile)

It's good to hear from everyone and seeing that even though the road is still rough, we're still surviving the journey. My prayers for all those who mourn. Everyone have a blessed day and remember, "Never put a period where God has put a comma". My luv to all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, Kagan is so blessed in Heaven. He's happy, healthy, and I'm sure hopping about like a little froggy. For you, my dear sis, I pray God gives you enough. We're doing, maybe okay, but the judges are still out on it. She's resting, but an hour ago was total torment. She's getting much more pain. I'd give such a price to see her healed (and still here with me), but I now believe God won't give this. I've resigned myself to what lies ahead. Take care of yourself, kiddo. luv ya, with hugs, little old grandpa me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, I love the way you wrote that. Through the Bible, many people asked God how or why. Even Mary, a young virgin, asked how she could ever become pregnant. God doesn't think within the confines of nature. He's sooooo above nature - after all, He created it. Courage is doing what must be done when our every instinct tells us to run the other way. It's the power to overcome obstacles. Lately, I'll admit I'm more overcome by the obstacles than I am overcoming them. (picture the feathery critter saying bock bock). I'm praying for you. This road of sorrow does become less bumpy and twisty. May you have enough for today. hugz&luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, thank you. You'll find in this journey of sorrow that certain months, days, years create pain. Some people want to encourage me by saying that I'm blessed having my wife with me for a longer time. But, honestly, I find this painful too, because she suffers such pain, and has now had at least ten minor strokes, so it's not all that much a blessing. Death is what it is, and sorrow too. You're so right, God makes no mistakes. It is mine to follow my Lord. We are told that our mourning will be comforted. He may accomplish this by friends, family (for some), or a few cyber words here. However, we're blessed by the fulfillment of His promise. Amen. My prayers are with you. Hope you have a peaceful and restful weekend. Thanks for praying for us. Til next time, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

John, I am deeply sorry for your loss, and while I say this, I'm also joyed hearing of your wife's faith. How precious indeed when a soul turns to the Savior. I've learned that people basicly respond to death in maybe three ways. The first is a negative, as my cousin did when her son died in a truck wreck. She became so embittered at God, I think it caused her death, mostly stress related illnesses. Other people may become softened and respond positively to Jesus in faith. Their sorrow turns faith into a living hope and vision of eternal life. The third is indifference. While this isn't bitter like the first, the results can be the same, as there is no faith, and thus no eternal life. God comforts those who mourn. This may have meant over spiritual death, but easily steps up to plate when someone dies physically, and faith blooms out of the mourning. I'll keep you in my prayers. If we can pray for anything particular, please feel free to ask. from your brother in Jesus, Mark

[kagansmommy]

Littld old Grandpa Mark. Just remember when you call me "kiddo" that I am a little old Grandma too. Isn't it wonderful being grandparent's??

I hate to hear Mary is in such pain and ogony. I am glad to hear that you are coping with the outcome of her situation. There is nothing harder than watching someone you love slip away and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.

I watched my Dad do it and I watched Kagan do it. I would sit and rock Kagan to sleep at night and just sit there looking at him trying to imagine my life without him in it. I couldn't imagine it then but here I am in the midst of this hell without him. Your toughest road still lies ahead of you. Thank God you have all of us here who will help you survive it. Take care of your beautiful wife and love her like there is no tomorrow because one day all too soon there won't be. But that will also be the day God will take her home and free her from her pain and you can rejoice in knowing that.

Take care of yourself. I love you like a brother. Thanks for always being here when I need some uplifting words...or a kick in the pant's. :>)

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[lowalz]

I am new to this list and just wanted to share my experience with faith during a loss of a loved one. I recently lost my mom to lung cancer and realized that the process of death is just as miraculous as the process of birth. I watched my mom go through the dying process and it really is a very spiritual event. The sadness comes from letting go of a loved one as we know them. I know in my heart that she is with God. She was saying htings and reaching for things and I know that she was journeying into another world days before her death. I hope that you too can find comfort in knowing that your loved one is resting in the hands of God.

Peace!!

[kagansmommy]

Lowalz, I am truely sorry to hear of your loss. Welcome to our little family.

My Dad also did the things you spoke of with your Mom. We knew he was preparing for his journey. He would talk to family members who had already passed.

I agree with you 100% about death being as miraculous as birth. As hard as it was for me to let my son Kagan go, it was a beautiful and very spiritual experience. It ripped my heart out to watch him take his last breath on this earth but gave me such peace knowing he was being healed at the same time.

Thank you for sharing with all of us here.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[lowalz]

I have just spent the last few hours reading back on some posts on this list. I am amazed at the level of support that you bring to each other. I am really feeling alone in the loss of my mom and am so glad to have found this site. I have 3 older sisters who are doing well after the loss of our mom, and I don't want to burden them with my grief. I was the primary caretaker for my mom and so I feel the loss even greater it seems.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Christy, you tyrin' to make this old grandpa cry??? If this journey gets worse, I don't wanna go there. Maybe I'll go back to the "good old days", when I still had my Vette, or maybe back to my Harley days??? tee hee. Yes, I had a hog, a '57. We have one good hope through this. Jenni, Kagan, and our babies who went before us through the miscarriages are in Heaven, waiting for the party when we join them. Guess my wife will beat me there, but if my part is to remain, I pray she gives me strength to. I went up to the lake with my son, and I caught a small mouth that was just over eight pounds. I just want to catch that beast in another two weeks. You know what I mean? Take care, and stay in touch. I know, I've been a little quiet. The depression is hitting me, and I'm feeling terrible from it all. Maybe I need a vacation? Catch up with you soon. hugz, luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lowalz, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You took such good care of your mom, and as close as you were to her, I know you'll hurt so deeply now. As we watch, ever so helplessly, while they go through the stages from life to death, to Heaven, I agree that there is a spiritual part of this. I will keep you in my prayers for peace and understanding. Please feel free to write anytime, even if you may think that your words make little sense. The words of grief always make sense, and we are here because we share the sorrow and care about each other. Without others caring about me in sorrow, I know I'd be lost in despair. Mark

[lowalz]

Thanks so much- I feel so much relief already just knowing that I have a connection with others who understand. I am looking forward to getting to know all of you better.

[lauraa]

Lowalz,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your mom. Grief is so difficult. It has been 2 years for me since I lost my husband and both my parents within 6 months of each other.....I know what it is like to care for those we have loved so long and so deeply. I also can clearly see how spiritual the journey for them and me was. Not easy, though! I think going thru life that we never really want to face the fact that we will someday loose our loved ones but it is inevitable. I am truely so to hear of anyone suffering thru this grieving process. Welcome here into our family and we will help you the best we can. It comes in different stages so don't be to hard on yourself as it is all very normal no-matter how bad you feel and how out of character you may feel. Keep wriiting to us and we will all lift you. God bless you.

Mr. Mark, I have noticed you haven't been around and I figured you were on the same circuit as me....depressed, tired, low energy....does that sound familiar? I know you also lost a neighbor last week and I am sure that knocked the energy out of you on top of all the other things you do......you my friend, please take care of yourself and try and stay in the moment as I/we all know so well how easily it is to get overwhelmed with "thing"......I hope all is going well with you and Mary getting the extra help you both need and deserve.....keep me posted. And he will raise you up on eagles wings and bare you on the breathe of dawn and make you to shine like the sun and hold you in the palm of his hand.........................................................

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, you have me pegged to perfection. You seem to know me better than I know myself. Thank you for thinking of us in this neighborhood. . . we all feel shock losing our friend and neighbor. You also seem to have a way of getting the tears out of my heart. Some people can be friends, but so few are the friends we are blessed with. You, my dear friend, are one of the blessings. I feel helpless to write anything to comfort you in all your loss. Yet, please remember that your parents and your husband, as much as you love them and want them back, are in Heaven, enjoying themselves and waiting for that day in the future when you and your sweet children can be reunited with them. Take care of you, please. I worry a lot about you, and pray even more. If you ever need anything, just yell. I'm always here to help you. friends, me

[lauraa]

Mark,

I should have known that was you posting early in the morn'. I am sitting trying to think of something profound to say in support to help you and everyone else here. I feel overwhelmed at times and draw so much strength from all of my friends here who also stand with me in grief. I was drawn to the bible and that led me to my husbands mass program.

These were the scriptures:

Romans, Chapter 5 verses 1-11

John, Chapter 14, verses 1-6

Ecclesiates, Chapter 3, verses 1-8

I hope if you can read these passages it will give you and everyone else strength today and always. You are all in my heart.

Bless you and everyone here.

[starchild]

Good Morning.

First I would like to give thanks to my higher power for another day underway. Well gang I'm in a funk this week. I got back the medical examiners report on Stanley and it threw me backwards. It basically said what I expected but there were a couple of things I didn't know. And I wasn't ready for the way it affected me. The report opened up alot of old wounds and I've been emotionally bleeding since. I've been doing alot of soul searching and it seems like no matter what I do, how much I love, it never seems to be enough. Maybe there is something different I could have done, maybe not. All I know is that I'm left again with a broken heart and a damaged spirit. That's a bitter pill to swallow. I know that my God loves me and that all things work together for the good to them that love him. But at this point it is taking all my spiritual energy to keep from feeling the resentment and bitterness that is trying to get in. Seems like I'm grieveng for every loss I ever sustained at one time. I know that this too soon shall pass but it won't be today. Guess it's time for 23rd Psalms.

Laura; It's good to hear from you. Hope your battery has recharged and you and your family are doing well. You know there's no rest for the weary. Romans 5 has been a staple of mine for a long time, it was on Stanley and my wedding announcements. If no one told you that they luv ya today, I do.

Mark; Baby as usual my prayers are with you. You are such a courageous man and I know your inner strength is going to pull you through. God still has work for you to do. And in spite of everything you are blessed. Luv to you and Mary and I hope she's having a good day.

Everyone please be good to yourselves and have a blessed day today. God is Good

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone~! I am here this evening to ask for prayer and a lot of it. At 3 am this morning I had a complete meltdown. At 3:15 I was laying on Kagan's grave screaming for God to take me to him. I can't take this. I ache so bad to hold my baby boy. I feel as if someone has ripped my heart out of my chest.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[erinnzmom]

Christy,

I\'m sending you my prayers, How can we be in this world without our beloved children? It\'s not the natural order of things, but I do believe that God didn\'t do this to hurt us, our children ARE in a much better place, and I\'m sure that Kagan is doing all the things that he was never able to do on this earth..the time spent here is just a twinkling.. and we will be spending eternity together...it\'d be alright with me if I could join my daughter in heaven..but God still has work for us yet to do..and Christy, I\'ve read some of the other posts that you\'ve written and I know that you\'ve helped others and I\'m sending you a big hug and I\'ve added you all to my prayer lists..this is a club that no one wants to belong to..but it\'s comforting to know that we\'re not alone and we\'re not crazy and we will get through this..

Laurie

always Erinnzmom

[aprilsmom]

Christy- Hang on; and may HIS peace flood you right now so that the sorrow won't be so all consuming. R-

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thank you for these beautiful words from God. It's sweet to think of His hope of eternity in Heaven. He's always with you, waiting to help in your time of need. Sometimes, the help comes through people, sometimes by angels, or by His Spirit. Honestly, you don't need to try coming up with profound things to say. You're naturally given to such endearing words. I pray you receive all you need. always, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starchild, thanks. I have to agree with you. I'm blessed, with God's best, beautiful family, and the best friends on earth. Sometimes, we're given the broken heart and wounded spirit for a reason, like with me, to teach me faith and reliance on Him and my friends. Patiently wait on Him, and He will guide you. luv with prayrz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laurie, no, it's not a club we choose membership in, but we've suffered our losses for some reason, which I can't quite yet understand, but nonetheless, I miss Jennifer beyond words. We're always here for you, for each other. I know she's in Heaven, resting and enjoying all the beauty there. May your heart be comforted. I'm praying for you, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Christy, when you're in these situations, please, my dear sister, call me. I don't care what time of day or night: I care about you. Dad's don't understand fully what you mom's feel in your sorrow. I'm praying for you, daily. Take care please. love ya, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, remember that God cares for you too. May you feel His love and peace. luv ya sister, me

[lauraa]

Christy,

I have had my times when I felt like you are. I/We all know how desperate of feelings these are. I am sorry you or anyone has to go thru that. Do what ever you have to do to get over this hump and just know we are all here for you. I have thought of lying on my husbands grave because I felt I would have been as close physically to him as I could be....he is buried 800 miles away from where we live in our home town so it is difficult not to be able to visit as much as I would like....So, then I know I have to communicate with him spiritually instead. We are all here for you. Keep praying and asking god for his guidance as hard as it is....we are all behind you. Kagan is playing with other children in heaven and HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.....and, watching over his dear mommmy and sending beautiful prayers to you....Remember, god only picks flowers! God bless you!

[kagansmommy]

First of all I want to thank you all so much for the prayers you sent me. Just knowing someone out there cares enough to stop and say a prayer when I am in need helps tremendously. Lauraa, you just gave me a new favorite phrase.

"God only picks flowers" That in itself was an inspiration to me.

Our local radio station was having a radio-thon for the childrens hospital that Kagan went to and also where he passed away. I called in to make my pledge not knowing I was actually talking to the DJ who was on the air. When he was telling Kagans story and about how emotional I was telling it to him that he broke down on the air. To hear him say such beautiful words about "MY SON" made me so happy. So that left me in a pretty good mood this evening.

You guys have been the greatest emotional help that I have received. I talk about how everyone helps me so much here that my family knows who I am talking about now when I mention my new found friends.

Thanks again to everyone. You are all in my prayers as well.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

Mark, would you please email me with your number again? Our computer crashed and I lost everything. Thanks Buddy~!!

[mamabets]

For Kagansmommy- I see how you wrote the DJ... Couldn't help but tell you that Danny's initials are DJ- Daniel James, and I know that he is CLEARLY piggy backing Kagan right now!! A tug at the "heart" that always means something beautiful!!!!! I am on a "froggie" hunt and will send you it ASAP- A picture of a froggie!! I love you and hope that you are better.... You know, for some reason, when I hit the floor, sob, belt out a few DANNY's, it seems to help....xoxo Kind of throws me back into the blur when none of this was real....I love you~ mamabets xoxoxo

[lauraa]

Starchild,

Thank you for writing to me and telling me that you love me....I love you, too! What a wonderful place for all of us to gather and support one another......I am in the lonliest place possible in my life and actually have to talk myself thru breathing otherwise I breathe shallow which makes me anxious and exhausted. It has been very rough this winter and spring. Thank you for you support...You brought me to tears with your post (good tears)....like somebody out there really know how I feel and even if it is thru a computer we are all connected with each other....God bless you!

Christy......Kagan is AOK...playing,laughing and doing everything a sweet little boy should be doing......no more suffering.....if my husband has anything to do with it he is coaching him in all kinds of ball games and Kagan is really, really good, too! A star!

Mark, I hope you are going good and not letting all this rain get you down as it is with me....I think maybe the angels are crying. Maybe, even god is crying for all the pain we are all feeling......Keep on Truckin' baby!

[erinnzmom]

Lauraa,

I don't know if the angels are crying but I know that all this rain that we've had does make things more difficult. Thank you for those Bible verses, they do help, sometimes I'd like to click my heels together and say there's no place like home...and then we'd all be together where there is no pain or suffering..the pain that comes with losing a child ..is beyond what I could have ever imagined.I'll put you in my prayers, there are so many wonderful people on this site, I was @ my wit's end thinking that after 10 months, @ times it still felt like it was fresh, and that it couldn't possible be real, reading that other people have experienced these same things..well, I'm sorry that any of us have had to go through this but I am grateful that God has led me here..I love that phrase that "God picks only flowers", Do you think that all of our loved ones are getting together and talking about us?

Laurie

always Erinnzmom