Loss of an Adult Child

[lovU2themoon]

"I am tired of running this marathon, with the many hills but not an ending in sight. Cara's birthday on Monday took me back to that place that I work so hard every day to manage. I know I will see her again but Monday I just wanted to be with her, even just buried beside her, no more pain. I Know it will get softer, but everyday is so hard, and then add on these special days and holidays, they take my breathe and my will away."

Lora, the need to be with our kids is overwhelming some days, i struggle with feeling of Lane needing me, and staying here, some days we manage, and then most days are so painful. Thinking of you as we struggle thru the days, holiday, birthdays, just day to day.

Debbie, this is a good place, those on the journey longer offer great support and kind words. sorry you have to be here. My grief journey is new, i have not much to offer but "listening" to your story and offering distance prayers.

Cherish's mom, same to you, sorry you have to be here, your daughter sounds like a wonderful amazing daughter. Thinking of you.

Shannon, your story of Trista is beautiful.

Wade, you were in my thoughts on the 9th as your two month into your journey.

Laurie, i have been thinking of you and our boys too, i too have been so much pain, i just miss my Lane.

Those who i have missed, i read your post, i pray for all who come here.

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie....first I want to say how sorry WE all are for the loss of your sweet SONshine boy...

second....and this is one of the most important ....you will have to learn to 'self care'....that means you will have to be very, very good to yourself..you will have to be gentle with yourself...GRIEF is a very physical thing...and you have had a great emotional breakdown...and that can cause a physical breakdown....your 'heart' has been shattered...and yes...it does feel as if one is having a physical 'heart attack'....panic attacks...are quite common for those that have lost a child...when I say child....I consider child can be one ...2 years....6 years...16...23....38....42....50...no matter the age....they are still our child....

Anger is a very normal emotion...and you can just be as angry as you want....yes...we do have that privilege....in fact...I think if we smother that normal emotion...it can come out down the road...and probably be very self destructive...and here....I want to say this for you....if...you are thinking of harming yourself....you must go and 'talk to a counselor'.....none of us on this site are in that position....we are simply parents that have lost a child....and we come together to 'care..share..relate' our journey. For me, I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child...and I can come here and all on this site...knows where I am coming from. This site has been a lifeline for me...when my human boat has been going down for the last time.

It does feel as if you can't breathe...I call that 'coming up for air'....it is that physical. That is why you must self care. Now....your grief will be as unique as your child...the common thread is that ...we are not abnormal...we are just 'in mourning'....

To have 'anger' to those around you....and the lashing out...is like an animal in pain...they will even bite their master....but....you have to realize....if that is happening...it is because...you need 'care'....if you are being 'strong' for everyone around you.....you are depleted...there is nothing else to give...you are at the end of your rope....time to stand back...and do whatever you can to 'give yourself a cup of the compassion' you are giving to others. Many of us can relate...for we have other children, too....that are grieving...and we want to do all we can for them. But...we are only human...and we do have limits...the saying..'it is better to give than receive' still stands...but when a parent is in grief....'it is better to receive than give'.....even if you are the only one giving yourself the time to heal...adjust...cry.

Please come back and post when you can and tell us about your boy...and yourself...many on this site will reach out to you and give you that hand up. Peace to you.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos. It has been awhile since I have been here at BI. Since it has been so long, I'm not able to reply to everyone individually......can't get caught up. But, I just want to say that I am so sorry for all the new parents who have been coming on to BI. I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved children, and hope you can come to BI and find some solace. Everyone on BI knows firsthand the pain , sorrow, and grief that losing a child brings. It has helped me so much, and I've been a member of this 'unwanted club' for over 10 years......along with Dee. Sending thoughts and prayers for each and everyone. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry HI to all my old BI friends. I miss all of you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....you and I are having the same thoughts...and yes....it is hard enough with the birthdays and Angelversaries...and all the days in between....and now the holidays...as I say...

'I am slumping toward the holidays'....

I was listening to 'Tears in Heaven' the other day....and the words..

"I must be strong...and carry on" really spoke to my heart....

and then..out of the blue I woke up with the song.."Running on Faith" on mind....

and that is how it is...running on faith...and somedays...running low on faith....

but all I have to have is faith the size of a mustard seed....right?

year two is what it is...Dee told me that it was still hard for her....as many on this site seconds that...

many new ones will 'need' you when they come to the site....they will need to hear your story...

hang on with both hands....

[Jeff's Mom]

deleted

[ericasmom]

Kate, I hope that the women were not being vengeful, I hope that it is all a mistake, but either way, so glad that you are going to continue attending class.

Debbie, my Daughter was also killed by a train, over 10 years ago now. She was 19. I am so sorry to read of your recent loss. It will be difficult to find anything that feels the same or feels at all normal now, it will take a lot of time and working through grief that will allow you to rebuild your life and kind of acknowledge your new world. WE find our strength, we do, but first we must find how low this sadness is. Tell us more about your Boy please. More about your children and life.

Cherish's Mom, may you find some solace here, and no, you did not post too long, no such thing here. We really get to know you better when you tell us details of your Child and of your lives.

Lora, it is an uphill climb, not too many areas in which to pull over and rest. One day though. One day you will feel your face in the sun again and you will know that Cara is grinning, joyful that you are finding some tiny pieces of peace.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....what I am about to say...may not be said in the right way...

but I am so grateful to have you holding on to me...to us...those of us on Year Two...need ones that have been on Year Two....I wish with all my heart there were those that did not have a Year Two...or One....or Three...or Ten....but because many have been there...we will come up for air once again...

Year Two....is like hitting a Black Velvet Curtain...

Not as in Year One and hitting a Black Double Fist...

Still ....a hit.

Kate...I would think that if people react in such a way....it is because the word 'suicide' is a word they cannot wrap their mind around.....and if someone has a loved one that committed suicide...they cannot know how to deal with him or her. You are strong enough to know....it is not "you"....it is "them". I will second what Dee has said and please don't let them steal your peace...and yoga does help with harmony.

I am thinking that many on this site not only learns of grief....

but has many lessons on forgiveness.

[Mommysangelisabella]

Ok ok first and formost baby jeremiahs fevor broke around 3am thank you lord! We are still fighting it but we are winning ! Hes napping right now and im getting ready to pick my other boys up from school so no nap for me:( oh well...... Its a blessing even now to hv him . I know that more today as im sure.everyone does . Thank you every one for prayers.

Caras mom..... ,

I hv to say i read your post today and i couldnt breath , i started to cry as,i am now. Why do you ask because i something inside me says cara held my isabellas hand all the way to heaven. It feels so right i can hear her saying yes mommy thats it and she told me how to help you find this place to. Tell caras mommy she is doing that job and we are happy. I dnt know if this is true but in my heart and soul i can feel it and i can hear it inside of me. Thank you cara ....... Thank you for helping my baby girl . Thank you caras mommy for sharing this and giving me what i so needed today. I message from my baby girl. You raised a beautiful girl who has become not only an angel to you but to me. Thank you..........

I hope its ok to say this im sorry if its not its just feels so overwhelming and,right

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sherry and Dee, just want to say again how much I have appreciated your writings and encouragement...

Kate, I truly hope that it is not the case with these women...however, I am too from a small town and know how some people love to talk...I think they are entirely too bored with their lives and don't know what else to do with themselves...anyway, I am sorry that it happened...

Isabella's mom, so glad to hear the fever broke...

Barbara, I know when Jesse first died, I could hardly move for about 3 months...so all I can say is to take good care of yourself...it may be good to attend a grieving group...in the beginning I had went to a counselor who had personal experience in grief..it helped some but I knew I needed to be able to talk about Jesse as much as I needed...this place has allowed me to do that...also driving is difficult for me right now...

Wanda, I know how much you miss your son Lane...hugs to you...

Shannon, I did love your Grandma's vision of Trista...what a comfort to you...

Susan, " Year Two....is like hitting a Black Velvet Curtain...Not as in Year One and hitting a Black Double Fist...Still ....a hit."

I would say that is exactly it...trying to process the reality of everything, both my husband and I are just floundering...again thanks for all your words of encouragement to keep pursuing justice as long as we can...many good changes to law and policy have been done by those who suffered injustice, whether intentional or ignorance, it may not bring my child back but may save someone else from that same fate...and bring some peace to his memory...

[Mommysangelisabella]

Wade,

Thank you thank you thank you i think i sent like 4 pics thank you for helping me share my isabella !

To everyone else i love you all your in my prayers im reading as i can and will post when i hv a free moment

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry....good to hear from you....we miss you....hope your computer problems get fixed soon...

Shannon....well...I believe 'visions' have been visiting people for centuries...the Bible is a good place to start....our 'Saints'....had them and it lead them on....

...and why not now ? I do think some are more 'open'....the ones that don't go around 'questioning every detail' and the ones that have that 'background music' playing.

I do believe you and your loved ones were sent a very special 'gift'....

remember just last week (or could have been before) you mentioned that you felt Trista was 'away' from you...?

Isabella's Mom....so happy to hear the fever broke for your little SONshine boy...

[Mermaid Tears]

I will relate this....

Some on the site know that I went to San Antonio to see my GRANDson, Austin, in a play at the Cameo Theater.....I was with my daughter, GRANDdaughter, friends...and we were having a great time....we could walk to the theater...only two blocks away....there was a UTSA football game going on...there was a huge Haunted House...there were restaurants...nightclubs..people..people..people....music was coming from everywhere....

then....I 'had' this thought...it burst on me....that John David's last days were in Houston...in all the traffic..cars...horns...concrete...people....

then.....I had this 'thought' of him walking in a forest...quiet...I could even 'hear or feel' his footsteps on the path...trees overhead...birds...the smell of 'fresh'...

It came on quick...it didn't last.....by the time we got to the theater...I felt somewhat stunned...

and felt like I was in some kind of animation....but it passed....

We all enjoyed the play....I really did.....all was normal...no more 'thoughts' coming in or out...

I just thought I would share that with each of you....maybe a vision sent to me...?

[Jeff's Mom]

My heart says to me to be positive...yet I am human. I encounter situations that make me angry or feel on the defensive. And that old defense mode kicks in. It is natural to feel this way. It is a challenge to try to get to the point that we can accept it and move past it. Susan, yes, your inner connection was on target. I have a small story to tell you. I have mentioned this before on this site a few years back. it happened not long after Jeff died. We had decided to have his ashes scattered in an amazing wooded area that looks over the lake. We had a memorial bench placed at the site. This had been a favourite place of his to hike with our dog. he would throw sticks into the lake for her to retrieve. Jeff died in the deep heart of winter. We decided to hold his memorial in the summer and gather his friends and family on the waterfront. The day was perfect. A few weeks later we walked into the site. My husband and I had prepared a couple of gardens that were modest, but lovely. Deer proof. I sat on the bench looking out over the lake. My husband had taken a pail that we kept hidden behind a tree to collect lake water to water the flowers. As I sat there I heard a noise behind me. I turned to see a young couple approaching up the path towards me. They seemed so nice. When they arrived I began to talk to the young man. He was so pleasant. The girl at his side did not utter one word throughout the entire encounter. He asked us if we came there often. I told him that it was my son' s wish to have his ashes scattered in this area. He smiled at me in a very kind way. Again she stood watching us just observing. Now keep in mind that this was in the midst of a drought. We had not had any rain for a long time. My husband had walked down the cliff to get a pail of water. This young man then started to descend the cliff. he reached out and told him to give the pail to him. he then said that he knew his knees were sore and he was pleased to help him. I froze. You see...my husband had injured his knees in high school running track. How could this kid have known? I then really looked at them. They were both perfect. Literally. When they stood there I noticed how tidy they were. Well, I have raised two boys and no kids of mine ever looked that clean or put together. They were absolutely perfect. Both dressed in white t shirts and sneakers that were impeccably clean. His teeth were perfect. Nothing about those two seemed normal. He gave us a sense of peace and happiness. They then said they needed to be going. We continued to fuss over the garden and a few minutes later I glanced back and they were gone. Do I believe in angels? You bet I do. This story did not end here. The next time we visited the site we found the pail in the woods tucked behind a tree. it was filled to the brim with water. Yet we had not had one drop of rain. My husband was so pleased not to have to climb down the cliff again. Maybe this was just a kind person that reached out to us. You decide.

[Mommysangelisabella]

About my isabella...........

She had been long dreamed of. I miracle above all else. i had a feeling i was pregnate and went to the doctors. I was sick but in a way i knew had only been sick 3 times in my life and within 8 months i was holding a baby. The doctor i saw wasnt mine he refused to do a test said no way i could be pregnate saif i was prob diabetic and i should go see my reg family doctor. He gave me meds fot my sickness and sent me on my way. At the pharmacy i asked if it was safe to take if i was preg. I was told no way! So i never took it thnk god i got better on my own. But a week latter i still just knew so i took a test at home and before the test had a chance to go to the control window it said prenate . I screamed ! Then i showed her dad we were sooooooo..... Happy the next day i was ay the doctors. She was to be born jan.4,2014 our new years baby. from min one i had all preg. Symtoms, wich ive never had so many and i couldnt gey enough water. My family was sooo excited all the girls were there ay my ultrasound. I knew from min one she was to be named isabella faith wich means pledged to god and loyalty. I dreamed of her often most of the time as a little girl as i see her now blond hair blue eyes and the repeating dream was her at church holding the sides of her blue sun dress with white trim with the biggest smile on her face singing and swaying herself to the music. I was never able to make out the song i just know she was singing to god. Every moment i had i shopped for her my first girl. To the point my 9 yr old said no more im done. Lol her theme is purple butterflys , they are every where. From the walls to her crib on cloths you name it! My mom was making her a pillow. I bought to many dresses but just one pair of shoes......... A pink pair of ballerina shoes. Wich just hiys me right now the meaning i didny relize before . At first before i just loved them i thought they were cute. After she died i went to look for things for her Memorial i found them and new they needed to be apart of this day. I see it now i say all the time i feel as if shes in heaven singing and dancing.... These new born size pink ballerina shoes shes wearing now...... my good friend suprised me insisted on throwing me a baby shower this being my fourth born i fig i was on my own but everyone in my life was so excited for her. I cherished every kick every moment big brothers talked to her about their dreams for her or sang songs or the first time my oldest fely her kick every moment even the bad ones because i had decided early on she would be the last baby i carry from then on i/we would adopt. But we are and still will in time adopt special needs children .She never made it to her baby shower ....... It was set for oct. 19,2013 she was born ( i dnt care what the law says she came out of my body normally after two days of labor .... She was born!) september 24,2013 at 7:59pm the date on her death to certificate . I was told because she was born without a heart beat or breath by law she wasnt born just dead. I held my angel for a short while then placed her on the bed right in front of me and watched her and cried know this is the only time i will ever see her.she stayed with me untill my body begain to fail. It needed sleep. I was told she could stay while i napped but it didnt seem right i knew it was time to sau good by.. buy first i did a silly parent thing ( i had sern most of het before when i opened her blanket ) but i had to be sure i had to see she was a girl lol i kissed her foot rapped her up and it hurt my soul she was so cold ungodly cold. I told her how much mommy loved her how sorry i was and i said good bye. I hv only one regret of that day i hv many pics of het some modest some not knowing this was my only chance even if i couldnt see them now id want the latter ok mu regreat in my greif i never got a pic with her that day...... But the upside blessing we took a family photo with her inside my tummy 4 days before she was born. I will forever hold om to that pic ...... In that pic we were all so happy so unaware so full of life.......... And now we just breath.....

I recived the preliminary autopsy results today. I was told there is no real reason they could find she died other than her cord. It was to thin where iy connected to me and to tightly wound like and old school telephone cord. I get so angry some times thinking if i had recived proper care she would be alive today. My reg. Doc opened her own practice my new doc wich i was asigned the last week i was in didnt look at my case till the day of my apt. In wich she saw from ultrasound at 17 weeks was on target to ultrasound at 20 weeks she slowed down growth by a week and a half babies can be born at 24 weeks had this doc looked she maybe could hv had a chance....... But i will forever wounder that. Thnk you everyone for listening im praying for you all

[Mommysangelisabella]

About my isabella...........

She had been long dreamed of. I miracle above all else. i had a feeling i was pregnate and went to the doctors. I was sick but in a way i knew had only been sick 3 times in my life and within 8 months i was holding a baby. The doctor i saw wasnt mine he refused to do a test said no way i could be pregnate saif i was prob diabetic and i should go see my reg family doctor. He gave me meds fot my sickness and sent me on my way. At the pharmacy i asked if it was safe to take if i was preg. I was told no way! So i never took it thnk god i got better on my own. But a week latter i still just knew so i took a test at home and before the test had a chance to go to the control window it said prenate . I screamed ! Then i showed her dad we were sooooooo..... Happy the next day i was ay the doctors. She was to be born jan.4,2014 our new years baby. from min one i had all preg. Symtoms, wich ive never had so many and i couldnt gey enough water. My family was sooo excited all the girls were there ay my ultrasound. I knew from min one she was to be named isabella faith wich means pledged to god and loyalty. I dreamed of her often most of the time as a little girl as i see her now blond hair blue eyes and the repeating dream was her at church holding the sides of her blue sun dress with white trim with the biggest smile on her face singing and swaying herself to the music. I was never able to make out the song i just know she was singing to god. Every moment i had i shopped for her my first girl. To the point my 9 yr old said no more im done. Lol her theme is purple butterflys , they are every where. From the walls to her crib on cloths you name it! My mom was making her a pillow. I bought to many dresses but just one pair of shoes......... A pink pair of ballerina shoes. Wich just hiys me right now the meaning i didny relize before . At first before i just loved them i thought they were cute. After she died i went to look for things for her Memorial i found them and new they needed to be apart of this day. I see it now i say all the time i feel as if shes in heaven singing and dancing.... These new born size pink ballerina shoes shes wearing now...... my good friend suprised me insisted on throwing me a baby shower this being my fourth born i fig i was on my own but everyone in my life was so excited for her. I cherished every kick every moment big brothers talked to her about their dreams for her or sang songs or the first time my oldest fely her kick every moment even the bad ones because i had decided early on she would be the last baby i carry from then on i/we would adopt. But we are and still will in time adopt special needs children .She never made it to her baby shower ....... It was set for oct. 19,2013 she was born ( i dnt care what the law says she came out of my body normally after two days of labor .... She was born!) september 24,2013 at 7:59pm the date on her death to certificate . I was told because she was born without a heart beat or breath by law she wasnt born just dead. I held my angel for a short while then placed her on the bed right in front of me and watched her and cried know this is the only time i will ever see her.she stayed with me untill my body begain to fail. It needed sleep. I was told she could stay while i napped but it didnt seem right i knew it was time to sau good by.. buy first i did a silly parent thing ( i had sern most of het before when i opened her blanket ) but i had to be sure i had to see she was a girl lol i kissed her foot rapped her up and it hurt my soul she was so cold ungodly cold. I told her how much mommy loved her how sorry i was and i said good bye. I hv only one regret of that day i hv many pics of het some modest some not knowing this was my only chance even if i couldnt see them now id want the latter ok mu regreat in my greif i never got a pic with her that day...... But the upside blessing we took a family photo with her inside my tummy 4 days before she was born. I will forever hold om to that pic ...... In that pic we were all so happy so unaware so full of life.......... And now we just breath.....

I recived the preliminary autopsy results today. I was told there is no real reason they could find she died other than her cord. It was to thin where iy connected to me and to tightly wound like and old school telephone cord. I get so angry some times thinking if i had recived proper care she would be alive today. My reg. Doc opened her own practice my new doc wich i was asigned the last week i was in didnt look at my case till the day of my apt. In wich she saw from ultrasound at 17 weeks was on target to ultrasound at 20 weeks she slowed down growth by a week and a half babies can be born at 24 weeks had this doc looked she maybe could hv had a chance....... But i will forever wounder that. Thnk you everyone for listening im praying for you all

[Mommysangelisabella]

About my isabella...........

She had been long dreamed of. I miracle above all else. i had a feeling i was pregnate and went to the doctors. I was sick but in a way i knew had only been sick 3 times in my life and within 8 months i was holding a baby. The doctor i saw wasnt mine he refused to do a test said no way i could be pregnate saif i was prob diabetic and i should go see my reg family doctor. He gave me meds fot my sickness and sent me on my way. At the pharmacy i asked if it was safe to take if i was preg. I was told no way! So i never took it thnk god i got better on my own. But a week latter i still just knew so i took a test at home and before the test had a chance to go to the control window it said prenate . I screamed ! Then i showed her dad we were sooooooo..... Happy the next day i was ay the doctors. She was to be born jan.4,2014 our new years baby. from min one i had all preg. Symtoms, wich ive never had so many and i couldnt gey enough water. My family was sooo excited all the girls were there ay my ultrasound. I knew from min one she was to be named isabella faith wich means pledged to god and loyalty. I dreamed of her often most of the time as a little girl as i see her now blond hair blue eyes and the repeating dream was her at church holding the sides of her blue sun dress with white trim with the biggest smile on her face singing and swaying herself to the music. I was never able to make out the song i just know she was singing to god. Every moment i had i shopped for her my first girl. To the point my 9 yr old said no more im done. Lol her theme is purple butterflys , they are every where. From the walls to her crib on cloths you name it! My mom was making her a pillow. I bought to many dresses but just one pair of shoes......... A pink pair of ballerina shoes. Wich just hiys me right now the meaning i didny relize before . At first before i just loved them i thought they were cute. After she died i went to look for things for her Memorial i found them and new they needed to be apart of this day. I see it now i say all the time i feel as if shes in heaven singing and dancing.... These new born size pink ballerina shoes shes wearing now...... my good friend suprised me insisted on throwing me a baby shower this being my fourth born i fig i was on my own but everyone in my life was so excited for her. I cherished every kick every moment big brothers talked to her about their dreams for her or sang songs or the first time my oldest fely her kick every moment even the bad ones because i had decided early on she would be the last baby i carry from then on i/we would adopt. But we are and still will in time adopt special needs children .She never made it to her baby shower ....... It was set for oct. 19,2013 she was born ( i dnt care what the law says she came out of my body normally after two days of labor .... She was born!) september 24,2013 at 7:59pm the date on her death to certificate . I was told because she was born without a heart beat or breath by law she wasnt born just dead. I held my angel for a short while then placed her on the bed right in front of me and watched her and cried know this is the only time i will ever see her.she stayed with me untill my body begain to fail. It needed sleep. I was told she could stay while i napped but it didnt seem right i knew it was time to sau good by.. buy first i did a silly parent thing ( i had sern most of het before when i opened her blanket ) but i had to be sure i had to see she was a girl lol i kissed her foot rapped her up and it hurt my soul she was so cold ungodly cold. I told her how much mommy loved her how sorry i was and i said good bye. I hv only one regret of that day i hv many pics of het some modest some not knowing this was my only chance even if i couldnt see them now id want the latter ok mu regreat in my greif i never got a pic with her that day...... But the upside blessing we took a family photo with her inside my tummy 4 days before she was born. I will forever hold om to that pic ...... In that pic we were all so happy so unaware so full of life.......... And now we just breath.....

I recived the preliminary autopsy results today. I was told there is no real reason they could find she died other than her cord. It was to thin where iy connected to me and to tightly wound like and old school telephone cord. I get so angry some times thinking if i had recived proper care she would be alive today. My reg. Doc opened her own practice my new doc wich i was asigned the last week i was in didnt look at my case till the day of my apt. In wich she saw from ultrasound at 17 weeks was on target to ultrasound at 20 weeks she slowed down growth by a week and a half babies can be born at 24 weeks had this doc looked she maybe could hv had a chance....... But i will forever wounder that. Thnk you everyone for listening im praying for you all

[Mommysangelisabella]

I am so sorry everyone i wrote my post by phone as you all are aware i hit post it said site error did not go threw refesh try agen so i did and it did that ! Grrrrr sorry agen

[Mommysangelisabella]

I am so sorry everyone i wrote my post by phone as you all are aware i hit post it said site error did not go threw refesh try agen so i did and it did that ! Grrrrr sorry agen

[Jeff's Mom]

Hold on my dear girl. Your sweet little babe is at peace. We are all here for you. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Double that Kate, I too believe in Angels. I remember when those two stopped by in the woods and spoke with you. I have no doubt really, that the boy was lending his spirit to the day, the girl, perhaps newer at it, making a visit with the boy. I do believe.

I also believe in the sense of calm and peace from Susan, the forest, the smell of fresh air, the quiet, sounds like John David giving you a taste of his peace. How dear.

You don't have to worry if you say things in a way that is okay or not, you have a nice way of saying things to begin with so no worries there. I am glad that Sherry and me can lend some hope to those of you much newer to this kind of loss. If we have to endure this I feel it is our job to reach out and be there as much as we can for those who has to find their way too. I know Sherry wishes she could be here more often, but it sure was nice to see her today wasn't it?

Isabella's Mom, I am so happy to hear that your Little Guy is on the mend. And how wonderful that Lora's story has touched a place in you that feels right. You see how this sharing of hearts works when one story or event helps or inspires another.

I too loved your story Shannon, of Grandmom at the service on Veterans Day, that she could see what Tris was doing. There she is helping others make their way back home.

Laurie, I know that you and your husband are aching right now, that pain that fills every space, spaces you did not even know were in you. I am holding you Dear.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sam's Mom, Debbie, I am so so sorry for your loss, but glad you found your way here. Most of us will tell you we have had to re-arrange the list of friends we thought we had before these tragedies struck our lives, and yes, even how we relate to family. I try to be kind, but I have found that I have become very blunt on some subjects, and don't hesitate to say how I feel. I also understand what you said about not finding much comfort in knowing your child is with God. Perfectly understandable, because it means no matter how content and happy your mind tries to tell you he is, he is not with you, and that is the discomfort. It's a pain beyond any we have ever felt, and a missing that nothing seems to fill. Sometimes, in comparison, it helps me to think of those that have lost a child, and don't have the peace that they will ever see them again. I can't imagine not having faith that there is a hereafter, and a loving God. Hold on.

So good to hear from you today, Sherry!! ((Hugs)) to you, we have missed you so much!!

Wendy, glad your son is feeling better. Thanks for sharing about your baby girl. I hope someone steps up to help you out!

Shannon, I loved the story about the vision that grandma had! I know my Jared would be right there with your beautiful girl, as he loved children! I don't know what jobs God has given our angels, but knowing the heart my son had for younger children, I hope he is helping them as they arrive to their new home.

A couple of pics of Jared with his 2nd cousin, Emily. He loved her so much.

I had asked Jared to put sunscreen in Em's hair before we went out to swim, he gave her a "spiky doo"

Jared loved reading to Emily

This is of their paperfight, Em trying to get Jared to eat some of the paper

Barbara, good to see you here today as well. I know all too well how difficult those first months are, and am glad you have found a local group you can share with, but hope you will continue to post here too.

Kate! I remember you telling us that story about the young couple at Jeff's memorial bench! Loved that you shared it again!! Even if they were human, they were angels! So neat that both you and your husband experienced that visit!!

Laurie, I think of you so often, and Shannon .... What a grand reunion we're all going to have one of these days! I do believe our angels guide and direct our paths, and speak to each other about all of us!

Wade, hoping you are holding on, I think of you and your angel quite often. My son was also a rapper, but hadn't gotten as far as Brooks with it, but I imagine they are rapping together. I saw where you posted about working on the Mustang with your friend. Let me know how that progresses. It was not a job I would want to do full time, but because we were fulfilling Jared's dream of restoring his mustang, it felt very right to do.

Lora, I wish that what you thought about the driver that killed my Jared were true, that she felt some remorse, but if so she has certainly shown no signs of it, in fact, quite the opposite, being down right cruel in what she has had to say and in things she has done since the crash. I don't understand how anyone can behave that way. My heart yearns to be able to forgive, but she is like the devil in human clothing.

[Mommysangelisabella]

Just a thought.......

I can remember just a few short weeks ago getting internet for the first time in life and it being on my phone trying to learn how to navagate. I can remember being so excited first thing i did was jump on and spend hour resurching a room design for my angel. Just waiting for the nxt new thing and living in it............ Now i find it funny a thought that the same feeling i had in a sense in that i hv here constantly wanting to see the nxt thing to hear the thoughts of the nxt person check abunch threw out the day happy to see the nxt disapointed when there isnt. You guys are my rock. I post last night about my jeremiah needing prayer before the thought even came to my mind about my family. Id be lost without you all right now so thank you thank you thank you ....... And if your woundering it does included all the new ones to. I see a few today. Keep posting , im sorry for the reason youve found us but i am glad you hv. I hope you take comfort in me as i do in you. For the new trucker mommy who lost her son ,

My daughter died earlier and in a diffrent way but what i need you to know is your thoughts your feeling are normal, atleast thats what ive been told when i say i feel alot of the same way. So scream yell get mad loose it for say a min or two regroup and take a breath. But ..... But never never take your life even if you cnt feel it right now you are loved you are so loved your husband your family would be lost without you. I lost my girl 6 weeks ago some days i still cnt breath thats when im at one breath ok now the nxt and you fight you live because your angel would want that . Hed say mom i love you dnt give up all my life you taught me never give up just keep trying your best and thats good enough. Thats what i hear my daugther say in a sense to so thats what i do i fight i do my best every day for my angel and for her brothers. This site is aswome plz keep comming back...

Got to run got to feed my troup... Prayers and love wendy

[wgreenlee]

Debbie...

I am so sorry for your loss, but we will help sustain you. Just a little note that might help you...my wife also has mentioned lately that she feels she hasn't been a very nice person lately, but I know different. I try to tell her that I don't see any of that, but grief alters us and so our thoughts sometimes don't mesh with the actions. I bet it's the same with you. My wife is still the caring, loving, tender person she always has been and I am sure that is the same with you.

Isabella...

I am honored to share your beautiful Isabella and her big brothers. Send anytime and I will post right away. Thank you for sharing. And thank you God for helping with her little boy. Please keep sharing with us.

Cherish's mom...

I hope you got some "good" news when you talked with the DA today. I don't have to go through the justice system, because the man who killed Brooks then committed suicide. I don't know how I would have handled it if I had to go through what you and your husband are going through now, but please know I will be thinking and praying for you every day.

I spoke with the detective in my son's shooting yesterday, because it was finally closed. They spoke again with the girl who was with Brooks at the end. She's been going to therapy and was so distraught after the first interview they wanted to talk with her one more time. He told me that she felt threatened by this other person...like it was a stalking thing...and that she called Brooks to help her. Brooks came over and talked with this man for only a few minutes and she didn't hear what they said, but it seemed that Brooks asked him to leave. She told the detective that everything seemed fine...no anger or anything when they talked, from her point of view. Then this other man went away, but came back with a gun, went into the house and then her bedroom without knocking, and without a word, shot Brooks and then himself. The detective reiterated to me that he didn't think from the evidence that Brooks would have even been aware of what was going to happen...that it was instantaneous. Thank you God for that...I just didn't want Brooks to feel any pain.

I feel so proud right now, even in my anguish, that she called Brooks. She knew he would come for her, because he did that for everyone. And I am proud that he tried to diffuse the situation and didn't do anything to provoke the other man...although I already knew he wouldn't have done that. It's just nice to hear it from someone else. We already thought we knew kind of what happened but now we know. I am more at peace.

But I need prayers for tomorrow as I have to go pick up his personal effects. Phone, wallet, jewelry...so it will all come up again. I want to look at his phone so bad to feel another piece of him...but I'm a little afraid of the new roller coaster I will then have to ride.

I'll let you know. Thank you all for everything you do. You are so special. Prayers for a peaceful evening!

And now precious Isabella. Thank you Wendy for sharing.

[Guest]

.

[Mermaid Tears]

it is late...Wade....you spread what you have in your pocket of sunshine for others...

I am going to be thinking and praying for you...for you do...and will do...what you can for others...and it is so appreciated....there are ones that are grateful...there are men out there in the world like you....

but you were like that before...

you lost Brooks...

that is why....

If you see his Dad...you see the Son...

if you see the Son....you see the Dad....

....in my own way....and in the way...we on this site can....through this screen...internet....time travel...??? however....all of us...will be with you....when you get those...belongs of his....and hey...just have a great break down cry...let it go....all the way down....we have been there, too....and we will be with you then....and there....really.....for we do remember that place.

Peace to you our Sweet Dad...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

deleted, and moved to 11-15 post.

[wgreenlee]

Becky...

That was the best gift you could have given me. Thank you with all my heart. Truly!!!

And Susan...

Thank you also. Your words give me comfort and courage to attack this head on. Why should I be afraid? He is my son and I am not ashamed to show my love for him. Thank you with all my heart also!

As I pick up his belongings tomorrow, I will be thinking of every one of you and how much you have helped me through this so far, and how you have helped me grow as a person, too. I will pray that you feel that awesome love from your angels and their heavenly touch on you.

Wade

I will honor you tomorrow, Brooks, as you have honored me. So proud of you!

Wade

[Jeff's Mom]

Good luck today, Wade. I'll be thinking of you. Kate

[ericasmom]

Wade, Your Son will be standing with you when those personal items are given to you. Brooks will have his arm clasped around your shoulder telling you that he is there to help hold you up, the way you always helped him up.

The sun is on the horizon Folks, apricot adn deep bule and purples, a promise of a new day and even if that feels wrong right now, it is here before us to fill somehow. Walk and talk to your Angel.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Becky...

That was the best gift you could have given me. Thank you with all my heart. Truly!!!

Wade

Hi Wade,

Initially, I had posted this link on the forum, but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate. I thought of you and Brooks when I saw this music video. I will be thinking about you today, and praying!

[Guest]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, you are definitely missed. Thinking of you today.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sherry,

Thinking of you today.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

It’s been a few days since I’ve been able to post much but it feels like much longer…That time warp thing again… I want to thank everyone who commented about my Gramma’s vision in church. It was very special and beautiful and when I can come here and share it helps my heart. It’s like if my Trista were on the Earth and was helping in some way, volunteering with the Red Cross or something, I would want to share that so it’s only natural for me as Mother to want to share if I get a glimpse into something special she is doing now. It’s one of those things though that can only be shared with people who will appreciate the sacredness and magic of such a thing. Thank you all for allowing a place to share those precious things.

Also, thank you for sharing your own stories of Angels, visions, dreams, signs and messages, or that beautiful intense feeling of peace and love that is felt when the hand of God is reaching down and our Angel shines their light on us. This pain and heartache of this loss is so intense and sharing these stories, telling mine and reading yours, helps my heart and soul.

Dee,

Reading your words this morning was so peaceful. Thank you for that. Knowing you’re here sending strength and hope for us all is such a comfort.

Wade,

You will be in my thoughts today as you receive Brooks’ personal items. These are all such hard things but Brooks will be right there with you and we will all be holding you in our hearts. Every picture I see of Brooks makes my heart smile. His smile is contagious and I can see so much light in his eyes.

Wendy,

I’m glad Wade was able to help you post your pictures. You have such a beautiful family and your Isabella pictures touched my heart. I wasn’t able to post the night your little was sick but I read your post shortly before bed and added him to my prayers. I’m so glad he’s feeling better. I know how helpless we feel as Parent’s when our little ones are sick.

Kate,

Thank you so much for sharing your story of the two Angels. It was truly beautiful and I completely believe in your experience. I’m so sorry about the experience you had with those women at yoga. I do hope that it was not what it seemed however, I also know small town gossip and small minded people and how hurtful they can be. The anger is justified and I was angry for you when I read it but you are strong and handling it with grace letting them know that if they have a problem it is THEIR problem not yours and you are not going to change anything because of it.

Sherry,

I was happy to see your post. I hope you are able to get on here more often soon. I know we all miss you here.

Lora,

Thank you for keeping me and Trista in your thoughts. You and Cara are in mine as well. I do some guided meditations too. I try to do “sitting in silence” thing but am not so good at that. My mind doesn’t stop easily so the guided meditations are better for me. Do you know the name of the person who leads the one you do? I do think that our Children are doing amazing things and it seems that many of our Kids would be naturals at taking care of the little ones but whatever their work I know it’s beautiful. I believe Cara would have been there at Sandy Hook. I remember so vividly when it happened. My heart was just broken for those families. I couldn’t watch much television during that time. It was so painful for me. More than anything else had ever been. There was one image that is burned into my mind of a Mother on her cell phone with such intense pain and grief written on her face. I remember being so angry that the news kept showing that picture over and over and that she and her family would have to relive that moment every time they saw it. For me it was very personal somehow and my Trista was still here. I guess, just being a Mother myself. I know I must have had that same look on June 1, 2013.

Becky,

I love the pictures of Jared… so sweet. It reminds me of the ways Tris would play with Aiden. I believe that Jared would definitely be there to help the little ones. We can’t know it all but knowing that they are doing God’s work is a comfort. I have to believe they are guiding too and I am so looking forward to that reunion someday!

Barbara,

I was glad to see your post. I’ve been thinking about you and your Ayanna. I’m glad you found a local group and I hope it is something helpful and comforting for you. I know how hard all of this is and I keep you in my prayers.

Susan,

Thank you for your thoughts on my Gramma’s vision and sharing yours. Yes, I do believe that you got a glimpse of the peace and beauty that surrounds your John David. These are precious gifts. Thank you for reminding me that you are all always here no matter where I’m at on this journey. I need you all so much.

Laurie,

I’m thinking of you and your husband while you are going through all these things. You show such strength in that you are going to keep working as long as you can for whatever justice and changes you can bring. You and Becky have helped me just by sharing your stories. I hired a private reconstructionist based on your suggestion and am to show that what I thought from the beginning is true. Where that will take me I don’t know but I’m going to keep on.

“But there is always a calling in my heart, I just want him back, with me...” Yes.

Wanda,

I think of you and Lane often. It is so hard and the holidays coming up are overwhelming already. “Some days we manage, and then most days are so painful.” That pretty much sums it up. You and Lora both talk of just wanting to be with our Children, just wanting to leave the pain behind some days. I feel that way too but know that Trista would never want that for me and my Boys need me so I take another breath, another step and keep going.

Debbie,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Son, Sam. We all know the pain of losing a child so you have found a place where people understand. I’m so sorry that you have to be here but I am glad that you found us. Keep coming and posting or reading as you need. When you’re ready please share your Sam with us.

Terri,

Your Cherish is such a beautiful Girl I can see from her picture and from your words I see she is just as beautiful in her soul. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Keep coming and sharing with us.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I was asked by my attorney to write something like a victims impact statement telling who Trista was and how this loss has affected her family and friends. The “other” attorney asked for it and in a way I felt like I was being asked to explain why my Daughter didn’t deserve to die. No Child deserves to die. I know that this is a typical request and my perception was probably based in my extreme anger however I was so mad. At the same time, I wanted to let them know exactly who Trista was and everything that was stolen from me. It was such a hard thing. I had to put into words thoughts that I had somewhat held at bay for my own self-preservation… thoughts that, until this, were abstract ideas in the back of my mind. It was so completely emotionally and physically draining. I finished it yesterday afternoon and when it was finished, so was I. I took a hot bath at 5pm and went to bed.

Thinking of everyone today. I’m sorry this is so lengthy. That’s what happens when I’m not able to post much for a few days.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry....holding you and Lisa 'together' in our hearts...may you hear her 'voice'...may you feel her 'spirit' ...with all the power that God has...may He let you feel her 'kiss'.....

Go down, Moses...

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....I never heard that story....gave me goose bumps...and it opened a door to some sunshine when I read it....it really lifted my heart....

I keep the photo of the shaft of light on the path that Dee posted in the background of my thoughts...when I get real low...I think of it....now I have something else to give me 'food for hope'...

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Susan, I hope these two stories will help to give people strength and support as they are going through this most difficult time. I must stress that in both cases each encounter happened at a time that we were at our lowest. Also we had no inkling that anything was about to happen. Jeff had died and my mother-in-law was dying of cancer. The Teahouse encounter was a mere two months before my husband was diagnosed with end stage three colon cancer. In both cases I did not once question what had happened. I welcomed it with open and grateful arms. They served to keep me standing when I could have easily given in at that point. Having been raised in a strict Roman Catholic household I was taught that suicide was the ultimate sin. I was shown that it is not so. In my own opinion, and I state again, "my opinion" we have no right to decide how God is going to judge us. How dare we? We are all different and only He can read our thoughts and heart. My son was not only forgiven, but embraced. I do believe that is why I feel so strongly that this is only temporary and I know that in time I will be reunited with Jeff. I am thinking of everyone today and hoping your day is peaceful. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sherry thinking of your beautiful baby girl, Lisa today...you are in my heart...

May you feel her sweet spirit close to you today...

*************************************

One of my favorite verses...

But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, you are in my prayers today...it is going to be hard...so hard...

Cherish' s mom, thinking of you and your sweet daughter...

Debbie, praying for you and your family with the loss of your Sam...

Shannon, so good to see your post...I do believe all of our children are working at God's tasks...I can see some singing praises with the angels...some helping people on earth, or maybe they are just exploring the heavenlies...

Had another very restless night...too many dreams...

[ericasmom]

LAURIE, I am sorry for the troubling dreams. I went through stages of dreams, as though the unconscious was ready to let go of some of that which was hidden inside our minds...those feelings that come forth after disturbing dreams are hard to understand. Puzzles. The depth of your heartache is palpable right now, and I do want you to know that you will not always feel this sad. After the first year, I do believe most of us shed the remaining shock that by then is a thin layer but nevertheless a layer. It is also so very clear by then, that there have been 4 seasons since we last saw our baby, the dates fly by even though we are sometimes so stuck in a time on the calendar that changed our lives. Hang on, we have to get so very low sometimes in order to find out some of the nuggets of truth that will allow us to live again. We fall backward, but those steps back are also a way to look at where we have been and realize we have moved far off that starting place. You might notice during that second year that you will fall into those holes of sadness often but eventually, the stay is shorter. Prayers for you.

[ericasmom]

Lisa Darling Baby Girl,

Blessings to you on this and each day. Surround your Momma with the joyful love that you will always have for she and your Dad. Let them feel your peace.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

LAURIE, I am sorry for the troubling dreams. I went through stages of dreams, as though the unconscious was ready to let go of some of that which was hidden inside our minds...those feelings that come forth after disturbing dreams are hard to understand. Puzzles. The depth of your heartache is palpable right now, and I do want you to know that you will not always feel this sad. After the first year, I do believe most of us shed the remaining shock that by then is a thin layer but nevertheless a layer. It is also so very clear by then, that there have been 4 seasons since we last saw our baby, the dates fly by even though we are sometimes so stuck in a time on the calendar that changed our lives. Hang on, we have to get so very low sometimes in order to find out some of the nuggets of truth that will allow us to live again. We fall backward, but those steps back are also a way to look at where we have been and realize we have moved far off that starting place. You might notice during that second year that you will fall into those holes of sadness often but eventually, the stay is shorter. Prayers for you.

Thank you Dee for this note, I very much appreciate your understanding and passing along the knowledge you gained from your own grief journey...and I am sure that many of us experience this...so it is good to post...I think for the first year I could not even acknowledge his passing, at a level, I still thought maybe he was coming home, maybe he was just on vacation, I don't know...I still can't totally acknowledge this on a certain level...

In late October...there were two dreams...the first a grief dream, the second him with a message to me...and then dreams on and on with various versions of trying to save him, trying to go with him in spirit...

I am writing this out today so that others -- if they are struggling with this -- to know you are not alone...

[Guest]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, thinking of you today. Please let us know how you are doing when you can. Kate

[Mommysangelisabella]

Wade, ive been thinking and praying for you and brooks all day . Im here if you need me.

Everyone, ive been praying for you and your angels as well and hv thought of each one of you at diffrent times . Ive had a very very rough day and i cnt post per person but i wanted you to know i see you ive read you post and im here, i hope everyone dreams amazing dreams of their angels . I to just last night was plagued with nightmares. I pray everyone a sense of peace.as their angels suround them even if for just a moment ........ My mind ....... Its so unclear..... Goodnight everyone

[Mommysangelisabella]

I have no time to mourn you

I have no time to mourn you, baby girl of mine

My angel above all else is always on my mind

Sometimes i feel ive lost my mind

Sometimes ive lost my breath

Because the thought of you not here is beyond my minds contest

I miss you every second of every single day

Wishing i had you

Just another moment

Just another day

Id tell you all the things i dreamed

Id never let you go

Id hold you to the last second

Then cry agen as i see you go

I know your looking down on me sweet angel from above

Your mommy loves you more than life and even more as it goes

I thank god for each moment he gave me you

Sweet angel of mine

I love you sweet angel bella

Ive loved you from the start

I love you every moment even thought we are apart

I hv no time to mourn you

But you will always be my heart

For my isabella faith

First attempt at this in over 10 years bair with me and thank you for reading it

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

My husband and I decided to host Thanksgiving this year. This is our first host since Brian's death 6-19-2008.

Family is helping.

I have some anxiety, andI have friends on here, and actually feel thankful for my life again.

Love to all on here. I read all the posts.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Wendy, your photos are lovely and the poem is a tribute to your Girl, to the undying love between a parent and a Child. You are finding ways to breathe again, to live in your best ways for those brothers of Isabella, and nothing could make her happier than that. Nightmares are part of working through this tangled time, hang on and keep writing when you can, it helps decipher your heart. Thanks for sharing.

Colleen, how wonderful that you are hosting. I think that you will have a beautiful Thanksgiving under your roof. Proud of you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Colleen....many on here will know the 'why' you stopped hosting Thanksgiving...and many will know why you are stepping up to the plate..so to speak.

Last year I was in such a stupor....I carried through...for I was too exhausted and numb to think of anything else...so I kept the family tradition and pattern....

But...this year....I wish I could think of something different but I do realize that there has to be someone 'to carry on'.....to lead with the banner...to forge ahead...for we still have family..our other children...grandchildren...or younger siblings and they are blessings looking at us in the face...in lock step with us and they need the familiar traditions to help them realize that life goes on..and not to drop out of life.

This year I wish I could pole vault over it all...and find myself on my feet in January...but that only happens in the movies....I will host it all again...I will decorate again...with tears right behind my eyes and a sob in my throat....for my adult children..my GRANDchildren....my sister and brother..aunts...friends.

I am going to do something in John David's name and memory....have been talking different scenarios with my daughter...of course...for someone that doesn't have all our blessings....but we will share and care.

This is going to be hard....but then again...it would be harder still for my family if I did nothing.

There are many on this site that do not have the large family I have....and they will have a different stage to play upon....in deciding another theme to fashion...and really....they don't have to do anything.

Years and years ago...a friend of mine from my hometown...told me that Christmas had become such a hassle and financial burden....the whole family decided they would only give books for gifts...and they pared down the decorating and created a quiet holiday. Commercialism can really put so much stress on many...all the quaint commercials and movies of people 'doing it all'.....but all that is created in a sound stage.

There is great 'need' in every community...so if giving feels like the right thing to do...you don't have to look far.

If one would like to 'skip' the whole holiday....that is fine, too....for in grief...we need to care for ourselves...and protect the broken pieces of our hearts.

As Colleen..Dee...Kate has said....the healing hands of time....will give us a softer place to fall.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wendy, that is a beautiful poem for your sweet little one...I also thought the pictures were lovely of your family and Isabella...

Colleen, thinking of you as this is first Thanksgiving to be hosted by you, I know that is a big step...it took my mom several years to have anything of the holidays at her home after my sister was killed at 41....