Loss of an Adult Child

November 5, 2013

Kate....what comfort you bring to all of us on this site....

I am writing something with 'you' in mind...but for everyone on the site....you have given me a buffet of 'food for thought' when you told me your son died from suicide...it takes quite a few days when I am 'writing from way deep' within me.

Could you post any photos of the Memory tree....have you bought new decorations yet ?

Keep us posted on this years journey.

I was thinking of you and your 'hard times' a few days ago.....you and your husband have been on a 'wild roller coaster ride' with his health issues for quite some time.....and then...you have this respite.....I was in such a vise grip when Daniel had his quadruple by pass open heart surgery in May.....I felt like I was riding a wave of adrenaline...one step up or back and I would be drowned and all the emotions...and the kids here...and all of us just months into the grief walk with John David...and everyone missing him and needing him...and then faced with Daniel's sudden health problems...(and all of us knew it was the stress from the broken heart)....then....weeks later....I hear the surgeon saying....'all is well except for the recovery time'....

I 'crashed'.....I was all over the place...I was at the beginning of the grief journey...I think it has to do with trying to hold it all together...hold everyone together....just holding on with both hands....and then you get to unclench your grip.....for days I felt like I was an egg that someone dropped off a 100 story building....where I splattered...is where I was at that day.

Emotions can run away 'with us'.....but our human body cannot keep up with that intense ride.....we simply have to 'let it go' and rest and heal....again....and again...and again.

I hope you are feeling better.

Wanda....yes....you are broken....your heart and world has shattered.....that is the simple truth......that is why....we say to 'self care'......take care of yourself....it is a long journey....I wish I had a magic pill or word for you.....but I can tell you we are here for you...and you are not alone. Your boy will want you to care for yourself.

November 5, 2013

Wanda,

I feel very very broken right now too. I'm thinking of you today. I wish I had some words for you, for me but I don't but I am reaching out my hand to you.

Some days I think I'm getting a little more footing and others not so much. I just never know from day to day. I know it's part of this but it's so hard. I've read from others here that there is no map. We just have to take the twists and turns as they come. Some days I just have to sit where I'm at because I just don't have the strength to take any steps that day but I think that's okay too. Whatever I need, when I need right now. I think that is part of self care...To be kind to ourselves and accept when it's just a time to sit and feel everything we need to feel. Let it come and not try to push past it. I've been trying to push myself ahead so much because I want to be okay for my Boys but there is no way but straight through it. No time frame, no map, just keep going when I can and resting when I need to. I don't know how to do this but I'm trying.

Susan, I just reread your words and I guess I kind of repeated what you wrote. You have a much better way with words though.

Kate, Thank you for sharing and bringing comfort here. You offer so much hope. You've had so much on your plate but still come and offer your kindness and hope to the rest of us.

I have had these things, "life" that was happening when I wasn't ready. I just felt so overwhelmed with things that the world was throwing at me when I wasn't feeling strong enough to even get out of bed. I am just learning everyone's stories here and I can see what others have handled when they were broken themselves. Times where they had to be strong, be caretakers when they were struggling with how to take care of themselves. I hate that anyone goes through these things but by sharing your stories it's given me some strength to keep trying when others have had so much and kept going.

Just my thoughts today. I'm sure some days I don't make much sense but please bare with me. My brain does not work the same way it used to.

Shannon

November 5, 2013

Shannon....and everyone...

Each of us have a different angle....a different space...place...dynamics of family...family of origin...and some....have no family....

Some of us come from a past of neglect...abuse...hard times..harder times...

Some of us come from loving parents and a family of goodwill and good times...

But each of us come together with the common thread of loss of child....

and that is why it is important to me....even above important...that we can share the good, the bad the ugly the gift the grace the prayer the heartbreak.....

and because of all of the above facets of our unique backgrounds and personalities...

we learn....from different ways to see it all...through a different set of eyes...a different background...even a different philosophy...

we are seekers...

we are thirsty to learn...yes...even those things we don't want to learn....

we still want to....and even 'have to learn'....you can only learn if you are open to what others say....what they have learned....how they can go forward...

the loss of a child can certainly 'break you wide open'....I think we are all 'Now Voyagers'....we are open to learn and share...

November 5, 2013

Shannon, I am sorry that you are having a bad day. BTW...the number 333 is always around me. I wake up every night at exactly 3:33. Wanda, thinking of you as well! I feel that for me the most important thing that I have experienced in joining this site is the knowledge in reading other posts that I am not alone in my grief. That countless others have been here and others too will follow us along this same path. I am one of the people that does not have the good fortune of having family that care. I am learning to let go of this hurt and trying to build a new life for myself without expectations of those that are unable to offer their moral support. Doing this has been a constant struggle. Jeff died of depression. He fought that demon his entire life and eventually he lost the battle. After almost four years I have finally been able to focus on not so much the night of his death, but on who he was as a person and all of the joy he brought into our lives. I do know that he is at peace. That gives me greater comfort than anything else. Susan, I would love to post a picture of the tree when they put it up. And I will do so. They do not put decorations on it, but fill it with many lights, as it stands in the inner courtyard or Healing Garden for months. They also have a smaller tree that is dedicated to those that have died. It is in the entrance of the hospital. That tree is decorated in a ceremony in December. I have always loved Christmas time since I was a child. It was a magical time for me. There are so many and varied ways as Dee has mentioned to bring comfort and hope to others at this time of year. I know that it is really difficult to see beyond the grief the first couple of years. And nobody in their right mind could expect you to participate as you would have normally a year ago or so. I can guarantee you that one day you will embrace some of the good feelings that you had at that time. It will just be different. But a good different. Just know that you are not alone in this and hold on to your friends, family, faith, and don't lose heart. I can only say again that it takes time. Be patient and kind to yourselves. Love, Kate

November 6, 2013

If this works...Kate's Grandkids. I am trying to post her photo.

They are indeed adorable Kate.

November 6, 2013

Thank you, Dee. Yes indeed it did work. You are a doll! My precious beauties. Thinking of everyone tonight. If you are feeling low...wrap yourself up in a warm blanket and make a soothing cup tea knowing you are not alone. Holding you close. Prayers and thoughts are with you. Love, Kate

November 6, 2013

For the newbies here,

During the first year or two, when someone would ask me "how are you doing?" My response was "I am standing upright and breathing."

That about summed it up.

To say this grief process is slow, is an understatement. Healing is a lifetime process.

It does get softer and the good memories will bring you joy.

Know you are not alone. We have walked this road before you. But you have to make your own path. No maps, GPS is useless.

But we are here for you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever. My boy is forever 16.

November 6, 2013

Kate, what a lovely picture of your grandchildren...thanks so much for sharing this...I think of you and Ross often...wishing you a restful night...

*******************************************************

Thinking of everyone tonight...

November 6, 2013

The words below were sent to me this evening from Eri's good friend Cecily Strong, the woman who is a weekly cast member on SNL. She went to a medium today and this is what happened.

So finally, the medium asked about a friend in a collision. She mentioned sports jerseys and the letter J. I said for sure Erica and I knew right away the jerseys represented the football players. And she said she was gone very fast and was on the outside right after the first clip of her car and was explaining her accident in slow motion because she was already on the outside watching it. She also said Erica was pissed about it. I laughed in my head thinking she was pissed not being able to eat that sandwich. She mentioned the giant white flash of light. Maryann said she saw the letter D. I said that was you. She said I needed to tell you that the white light the boys saw was Erica's family greeting her. They were there taking care of her then. She also said "she's showing me she's being taken care of by archangel michael." She said this could just be for the name, so I assume eri and her dad are hanging together and are ok. She just definitely wanted me to get the message to you, thinking maybe you'd know more about which family member (a woman) was greeting Erica in such a big bright way that even the football guys saw.

My Mom died the summer before Eri did, it was likely she that greeted my Girl, the two men were 19 year old football players from Western Michigan University, whose car was hit by Eri's, after Eri's car was hit by the train, were the first responders. Jerseys. they saw the white light, they waited at the hospital for many hours to let us know about the white light and that they knew that she was in th ehands of God or Angels. The letter J, mentioned, one of those boys was Joel.

November 6, 2013

Colleen,

Thank you. It helps to hear that it will get softer. It's so hard but to hear that from those who have been where I am gives me hope.

Kate,

So sweet! Your Grandchildren are beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

Here is Aiden before

Aiden after

And Zak passing out candy (he's always barefoot)

Shannon

November 6, 2013

Dee,

Thank you for sharing that. I truly believe that some people have a gift. I know the woman I talked to really "connected" because there were things she just couldn't have "guessed". I hope this is a good thing for you to hear.

Shannon

November 6, 2013

Thanks Shannon, this is thrilling and wonderful news from Cecily, and at the same time, spins me back so quickly to that day, don't know why, just does. I guess knowing that ten years later Eri can retell adn connect to loved ones through a medium is pretty terrific. I almost feel as though some time travel has occurred and I am a bit off kilter now. Going to bed now, hoping to dream sweetly of Erz.

I hope that you all dream deeply tonight, getting the much needed sleep that often is elusive.

I was very busy today and only briefly saw a message from another new mom to the site. I believe she lost a Son. I will read again tomorrow to learn more, until then, I am so sorry that you have found yourself on this road, we will do what we can to help you through this most difficult time.

November 6, 2013

as always...thank you, Dee....I needed that message...and I had a dream of John David last night....he was protecting me...but as always....wasn't he ???

November 6, 2013

why can not I have this gift...??

November 6, 2013

For you...Brooks

No words I write could ever say

How sad and empty I feel today

The Angels came for you

Much sooner than I planned

I'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And I'll try my best to understand

Brooks why did you have to go away

Why wasn't it right for you to stay

In my heart Brooks will always be

I love you dearly and I know you'll watch over me

What I'm suffering seems so unfair

But one thing is for certain

My love for you will always be there

Brooks my son you always will be

The most important part of my hearts memory

I'll cherish the moments I held you in my arms

And I'm sure that if you had stayed longer

You would have graced me with your charms

A thousand words won't bring you back

I know because I've tried

Neither will a thousand tears

I know because I've cried

Now you're up in Heaven

With the Angels up above

They will take my place for now

And they'll give you all their love

So go and rest in peace now

My only boy so dear

For all my love and memories

I will hold forever near

Love and miss you so much, son…I'm sleeping with your glove tonight…memories of good times…Dad

November 6, 2013

Wade, a beautiful poem to your son.. I feel your pain and your love for him.

Kate, very cute grandies!!

Shannon, loved the pics of Aiden and Zak! Tell that boy to put some shoes on!! lol

I have been sick for three days, sore throat and cough, and headache. Taking cold and flu medicine, and have just about slept the clock around. No voice at all, so I had to write texts to arrange for someone else to take my parents to their appointments on Monday and Tuesday. They, (family) argued about who could do what, and if I could scream, I would have. I am very sensitive about not making my parents feel as though they are a burden in any way. They don't need that on top of the sickness and pain they already are dealing with. My older sister even suggested that I put on a mask, and take them to their appointments!! I wrote in a text "What part of I am sick don't you understand"? The last thing I would want to do is take these germs and make my parents sick!!

I didn't call my parents, because I can't talk, and fully expected that one of these family members would relay the message that I was sick, but apparently not, because my mother calls me Monday morning, and wants to know when I am coming down. I told her what was going on and that I had texted my sister, and expected that she would tell them, as I know they don't receive text messages on their phones! She says 'nobody told me you were sick, and I hope you feel better'. At least someone cared! I just don't understand how people can be so self centered.

November 6, 2013

duplicate post, sorry!!

November 6, 2013

Thanks everyone, for the compliments on my little granddaughters. The older one is about to turn five next week. The youngest just turned two. Dee...I was so happy for you when I read that post last evening. I responded, but lost the darned thing. You know me! Wade, heartfelt and lovely poem to Brooks. These initial dark and difficult days are so hard to get through. We are all here helping to hold you up. Jeff was a "Huge" and I mean "Huge" Minnesota Vikings fan. He had all of the stuff. Helmet, t-shirts, posters, etc, etc. He also had a polar fleece blanket. I use it almost daily when I lay down for a nap. It helps me to feel as if he is a little bit closer in some way. I find it quite comforting. Wanda, Shannon, Susan and everyone...I am thinking of you today and hoping it will be a better one for you. Becky, take care of that cold. Time for your sister to step up to the plate and give you time to heal. You've spoiled your family as I did. They take you for granted looking after the parents. You are no good to anyone if you get sick yourself... so time for Becky! Take care of yourselves. Love, Kate Oh yes, Shannon...absolutely loved the pics of the kids. Imagine handing our candy in bare feet.

November 6, 2013

How sweet to share the Halloween photos....love to see the excitement in the eyes of the kids...love to dress up in costumes...will post mine....

Wade....that poem was pulled straight from your Dad's heart....and the 'missing that boy' is in between every line....just know you can come here and let us 'hear every hurt'....and we will understand...

Dee....I wish I had that gift of being a medium...they are born....not made....and what a treasure to get that message....I thought about it all last night....months ago... I made up my mind to visit a medium....right now....I don't know the 'who' it will be...or when...but I am...and the bright light was explained and it was so specific...for the boys to tell about it...and it changed their lives in many ways....but...now you 'know'....(but you probably already knew somewhere deep inside you)....that family came...with all their bright love...for your girl...I am so touched that you should get this message...and yes...I can see where it can unbalance our 'feet on the ground' state of mind. That is why I want to wait til I am very stable...or...rather more stable than I am now....I really don't think I will ever be 100% stable ever again.

Becky....hope you feel better....and hope your family will step up to 'help'.....do you do most of the 'travel to appts. for your parents ? If so....that is why they drag their feet....but....over and over...I hear how family will rely on 'just one'...and it should be shared....for the parents raised all the children. The other theme I hear is how family is not there to support each other when there is a death in the family....many on this site has stated how their brothers..sisters..cousins...just avoid them. So sad.

Sarah's Mom....I read your post the other day.....let us hear how you are doing and how things are ....did you find the resting place of your daughter at the cemetery..? Hope so...I know that will bring you comfort.

November 6, 2013

left to right.....Travis -wolfman, Pebbie-dancer, Kate- 50's girl, Kramer-Happy hobo

my front porch

GRANDdaughter - Pebbie

Wyatt John...first Halloween....he didn't get to go Trick-r-Treating cause he had to go to his Big Brother's football game....Josh is a Sr....

November 6, 2013

Kate...how far away do those adorable GRANDdaughters live ? You mentioned your son will come home for Christmas....now you will have a house full of girl giggles.

November 6, 2013

Oh, to be young again! Susan, I just loved seeing the pics of your family dressed up for Halloween. You did a lovely job decorating your front entrance for the kids. Our son lives in Calgary with his wife and the girls. They moved back from Dublin approximately four years ago. They had moved over to Ireland temporarily as they had a wonderful opportunity to live there for a couple of years. In fact they loved it so much they came back home and sold their home and furnishings, etc. to move back permanently. Our eldest granddaughter was born there. Unfortunately, not long after the economy took a nose dive and they lost their positions. They returned to Canada. They have now settled nicely in Calgary and just love the fact they are so close to the mountains. Banff is approximately an hours drive from their house. They all ski with the exception of the baby. Although they plan to start her as soon as possible. Sarah is now actually competing with a group called the Podium Pushers. Just imagine at the tender age of five swooshing down Olympic Hill! She is absolutely fearless and loves speed. She can get fairly cheeky lately and I noted she was sticking her tongue out in that picture. Just testing the waters. She really is a cutie. I also see that you have a birthday tomorrow. Anything planned? Also, so pleased that your husband is making a good recovery. Such a stressful time for the entire family. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Kate

November 6, 2013

I love seeing the pictures the kids and Grandkids.

Susan, such a lovely bunch! The front porch looks fun! Those are the houses my kids always loved to trick-or-treat at because they could tell there was a lot of Halloween spirit there.

Becky,

I hope you get feeling better soon. I'm sorry your family is not helping out the way they should. People really can be very self centered and is seems the ones who step up are taken advantage of. I am forever telling Zak to put on some shoes. His argument is that he is sick the least often of anyone and it's because going barefoot builds up his immune system. He tries to slip out with nothing but a hoodie in December.

Kate,

I'm sorry to hear that your Son and wife lost their positions but I'm sure it's also nice to have them close. I'm a little jealous. I've always been in love with Ireland and have never even been there. When I see pictures I feel "homesick" so I always joke that I lived there in a past life. Maybe it's the stories and the way it was romanticized growing up. My Great Grandmother was born in Ireland. I'd like to see pictures of the tree too when you can.

Wade, your poem is a beautiful tribute to your Brooks and your love is felt in every line. Thank you for sharing that with us.

To those who have talked about holding or wearing or sleeping with something that belonged to their Child, I sleep with Trista's blue flannel. Sometimes I wear it. Sometimes I just hold it. Aiden is a co-sleeper so he and I also sleep with Sissy's bear. It has double meaning because it is the bear she slept with every night and also the bear that was made from my Grandpa's clothes after he passed. He was named PaPa Bear but now Aiden calls him Sissy bear. To me he is a connection to both and a tribute to their love for each other.

I have a hard time not including Trista when I post pictures of the Boys, to include her as she's with us in Spirit even if not in the pictures. Here is a picture of her from last Halloween getting ready.

Laurie, How are you today? Here is the picture of Iris. I'd love to see your Angel when you have a chance.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful day. Shannon

November 6, 2013

Its been a few days since ive been able to post and today im being super mommy making 40 some odd cupcakes for my son class for his 7th birthday today wich im just breathing threw. This being the first birthday,in my household since my isabellas death .So as i wait for the oven im catching up and also playing with my 3 year old some ..... See my cape ive read over as much as i can but for some reason im limited to 24 hours i only hv intetnet on my phone but atleast i hv something. I am sorry to see in the last two days we seem to hv new people . It funny cuz im pretty new to but welcome and im sorry for your loss.

Wade

Your words are encouraging even the ones you feel ad nothing but pain. It helps me. It lets me know im not alone in my sorrow at the moments i feel there us nothing else.

Kate

I love the pics they are beautiful

Everyone,

I guess i differ in some ways. Number one my baby girl went to heaven while still inside of me . She lived only 7 1/2 months total but is loved beyond the stars and second i cnt go to her resting place because she is resting in her locket size heart shaped urn on the top shelf of my room. I am working on a special shelf to put her on as well as all of her important things. i still dnt know if her final spot is here at home with me or else where but for now it seems right. Although my boys dnt know shes here it helps my heart to know so. Ive been doing alright i guess youd say but im sorry to say our family was hit once agen . I was devorced some time ago and my sons father moved to texas unexpectantly within 3 days time period aprox a year ago with no real reasoning . But has called every day and has been ad much of a dad as he can being states away. Well this being my sons

Birthday he drove down a suprised him. I saw him yesterday and something didnt seem right. So i let him spend his time with our son and i called him latrer while he was at his hotel. He told me hes not doing good he has cancer and is in congestive heart faliure. That its only a matter of time. Im scared. Im scared for my son who has just lost his little sister that he now had to go threw this pain. His grandfather on his dad side died at about this same age of the same thing so it scares me even more . I worry over the pain we are about to go threw , can my 7 year old who has Aspergers handle this ? Could this happen to him latter on in life to ? I just lost my daughter a month ago how does god think we can handle this. My son dosent know yet its his 7th birthday today. I made a bug mistake last night i tx my sister to tell her my owes( wich went unanswered) but as i did in my greif state i accidently sent it to my sons father as well ! I was mortified because i said somethings out of worry to my sister i would never hv voiced to him.i still love him i always will hes my sons father. He said he understood the mistake that he was greatful to knoe my true thoughts and wasnt upset. I didnt say anything bad mind you but to those who hv delt with the sick you know if you speak to them you do it with alot of care and concern well my tx to my sis was just straight out of my mind ! I miss my isabella right now alot and my 3 year old jumps up and down. I also mourn for all the things she will never do and the dreams ive had for her. I think of all of our angels constantly.

Jds mom,

I hv to be honest i hv once picked up my phone while driving to answer it put it on speaker phone while at a light but i swear to you and to god it will never ever happen agen . At the time ( years ago ) i had no clue. Jd is still changing peoples life because ive even sharded what little i know with.my neices( 16 and 18) and they now also vow never to even answer it either and hv now started to share his story with their friends ad well. People including me at times act without thinking never knowing the pain we feel . I thank god the one time i did it didnt cause any pain but i relize it could hv. So now i tell everyone put your phone in a place you can reach while driving. Mine stays in my purse in the back seat on the floor on the passenger side. I cnt reach it. Every time i step foot towards my car jd is on my mind and in my prayers every min. I drive . Thank you for sharing your jd thank you for helping me to help others in my city . Jd is changing the world right now. i see his picture in my eyes all the time. I am sorry for the mistakes i hv made and i am sorry if hearing ive made this mistake in the past has hurt you today. I just felt i needed to share with you that hes changing the world. I hold him in my heart now along with all our other angels but as of now hes with me more than the others and so are you. I strongly belive ad youve stated we all need to slow down put down the drinks the food the alcohol and above all else the stupid phone. That phone call that drink that food ect. Was not worth jds life ! That i belive with my entire soul...... So much my tears are truly flowing over this. I send my love to you and i know jd is with you and with us. I cnt remember who said it but someone said they belive our angels hv found each other up there as we hv found each other . I truly belive that i belive that isabella jd trista brooks sarah and all the other angels im hving a hard time remembering the names of right now are all together smiling at us. Actually i think maybe they found each other first wich then each one of our angels lead us to each other.

Everyone

Thank you will never be enough of a word for you being here for me. To hv people who understand at a basic level even though our babies went to heaven ay diffrent times and ages we truly are connected and i am greatful for you all. I hold you all in my prayers all my love on this day. As my new mantra goes just kerp breathing ! Plz continue to tell me all about your angels i want to know everything. I will share what i hv ad well but i only hv 71/2 months of memories wich are grand and unforgettable but cut so short. I know alot of you had years with your babies and hv more to share. Ookok this posy is drasticly long do ill call it here for now all our love my isabella mommy daddy austin riley and jeremiah you are loved beyond the stars ad mommy always says

November 6, 2013

Its been a few days since ive been able to post and today im being super mommy making 40 some odd cupcakes for my son class for his 7th birthday today wich im just breathing threw. This being the first birthday,in my household since my isabellas death .So as i wait for the oven im catching up and also playing with my 3 year old some ..... See my cape ive read over as much as i can but for some reason im limited to 24 hours i only hv intetnet on my phone but atleast i hv something. I am sorry to see in the last two days we seem to hv new people . It funny cuz im pretty new to but welcome and im sorry for your loss.

Wade

Your words are encouraging even the ones you feel ad nothing but pain. It helps me. It lets me know im not alone in my sorrow at the moments i feel there us nothing else.

Kate

I love the pics they are beautiful

Everyone,

I guess i differ in some ways. Number one my baby girl went to heaven while still inside of me . She lived only 7 1/2 months total but is loved beyond the stars and second i cnt go to her resting place because she is resting in her locket size heart shaped urn on the top shelf of my room. I am working on a special shelf to put her on as well as all of her important things. i still dnt know if her final spot is here at home with me or else where but for now it seems right. Although my boys dnt know shes here it helps my heart to know so. Ive been doing alright i guess youd say but im sorry to say our family was hit once agen . I was devorced some time ago and my sons father moved to texas unexpectantly within 3 days time period aprox a year ago with no real reasoning . But has called every day and has been ad much of a dad as he can being states away. Well this being my sons

Birthday he drove down a suprised him. I saw him yesterday and something didnt seem right. So i let him spend his time with our son and i called him latrer while he was at his hotel. He told me hes not doing good he has cancer and is in congestive heart faliure. That its only a matter of time. Im scared. Im scared for my son who has just lost his little sister that he now had to go threw this pain. His grandfather on his dad side died at about this same age of the same thing so it scares me even more . I worry over the pain we are about to go threw , can my 7 year old who has Aspergers handle this ? Could this happen to him latter on in life to ? I just lost my daughter a month ago how does god think we can handle this. My son dosent know yet its his 7th birthday today. I made a bug mistake last night i tx my sister to tell her my owes( wich went unanswered) but as i did in my greif state i accidently sent it to my sons father as well ! I was mortified because i said somethings out of worry to my sister i would never hv voiced to him.i still love him i always will hes my sons father. He said he understood the mistake that he was greatful to knoe my true thoughts and wasnt upset. I didnt say anything bad mind you but to those who hv delt with the sick you know if you speak to them you do it with alot of care and concern well my tx to my sis was just straight out of my mind ! I miss my isabella right now alot and my 3 year old jumps up and down. I also mourn for all the things she will never do and the dreams ive had for her. I think of all of our angels constantly.

Jds mom,

I hv to be honest i hv once picked up my phone while driving to answer it put it on speaker phone while at a light but i swear to you and to god it will never ever happen agen . At the time ( years ago ) i had no clue. Jd is still changing peoples life because ive even sharded what little i know with.my neices( 16 and 18) and they now also vow never to even answer it either and hv now started to share his story with their friends ad well. People including me at times act without thinking never knowing the pain we feel . I thank god the one time i did it didnt cause any pain but i relize it could hv. So now i tell everyone put your phone in a place you can reach while driving. Mine stays in my purse in the back seat on the floor on the passenger side. I cnt reach it. Every time i step foot towards my car jd is on my mind and in my prayers every min. I drive . Thank you for sharing your jd thank you for helping me to help others in my city . Jd is changing the world right now. i see his picture in my eyes all the time. I am sorry for the mistakes i hv made and i am sorry if hearing ive made this mistake in the past has hurt you today. I just felt i needed to share with you that hes changing the world. I hold him in my heart now along with all our other angels but as of now hes with me more than the others and so are you. I strongly belive ad youve stated we all need to slow down put down the drinks the food the alcohol and above all else the stupid phone. That phone call that drink that food ect. Was not worth jds life ! That i belive with my entire soul...... So much my tears are truly flowing over this. I send my love to you and i know jd is with you and with us. I cnt remember who said it but someone said they belive our angels hv found each other up there as we hv found each other . I truly belive that i belive that isabella jd trista brooks sarah and all the other angels im hving a hard time remembering the names of right now are all together smiling at us. Actually i think maybe they found each other first wich then each one of our angels lead us to each other.

Everyone

Thank you will never be enough of a word for you being here for me. To hv people who understand at a basic level even though our babies went to heaven ay diffrent times and ages we truly are connected and i am greatful for you all. I hold you all in my prayers all my love on this day. As my new mantra goes just kerp breathing ! Plz continue to tell me all about your angels i want to know everything. I will share what i hv ad well but i only hv 71/2 months of memories wich are grand and unforgettable but cut so short. I know alot of you had years with your babies and hv more to share. Ookok this posy is drasticly long do ill call it here for now all our love my isabella mommy daddy austin riley and jeremiah you are loved beyond the stars ad mommy always says

November 6, 2013

Sorry everyone my phone was hving issues it took me 10 trys to just post then it did it twices lol ! technology and i are not freinds ! But im growing a love for the internet for the first time because of you all

November 6, 2013

I have been reading everyone's posts today, just got done...beautiful pictures and the poem was from the soul...understand that rawness as everyone here does...

I would like to say special thanks to Becky for putting out there at one point about her meeting with the Attorney General's office...I found out that our state has a person assigned to protect victim's rights...I had contacted this person...I sent her all my materials (reconstruction report, emails, etc.) apparently she thinks the way the sheriff's dept handled the case was improper and apologized for them...she will be meeting that sheriff this week...so again, if Becky, you wouldn't have posted, I would not have known...

Also, here is the picture of St. Michael the Archangel...he is about 12 inches tall...

Thinking of everyone today...sending hugs across the screen...

November 6, 2013

Isabella's Mom, I was thinking of you not long ago. I am happy to hear from you. It sounds as if you are holding up pretty good. I am smiling to myself as I imagine you surrounded in the kitchen by a pile of cupcakes. I'm sure your son was really happy to know that you had made them. Also, very sorry to hear about your ex's illness. Hope things improve for him. Shannon , I always love looking at all of the pics that people post. It somehow helps to make a connection. My grandmother on my fathers side was born in Ireland and my grandfather was English. The kids really took advantage of their time overseas to travel as much as they could. They packed a lot into those few years. I was happy that they moved back home, but also sad that their dreams were dashed. Today they are quite content to be living back in Canada. I only wish they lived closer. It is approximately a two and a half hour plane ride from here. Too far to travel for Sunday dinners which I really miss from the past. They always try to make it back for Christmas, and we head out to see them in the late spring and stay in Banff for a period as well. This year we were unable to travel due to Ross' illness. We are definitely hoping to get out there this coming year if he is able. Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Kate

November 6, 2013

For me.....I have learned to share my grief....but I have learned so much from everyone sharing their knowledge...and what they 'know'....what they have 'read'....books they have read....music I never would have heard...and some facts that are not innate....

I have learned that someone's journey is so very hard...not only in coping with the loss of their child...but in the insensitive actions or non-action of others.....some are very alone...and some have a great support system around them.....and I learn how each copes with their situations.....and I learn from that.

I think I have mentioned that I feel like I sit in a classroom....I am ready to learn the lesson....but I just can't 'hear' ....it is like a foreign language...I am back to being the student...learning another 'life lesson'....each of you teach me. Thank You.

Kate...am so happy you will have that son and family with you at Christmas....this has been such a long and hard ordeal for you and Ross....and both of you so deserve some holiday cheer..and some warm hugs from those adorable GRANDdaughters....everyone skies in my family....except me.....but they do love it....we have to travel to New Mexico or Colorado....and I can put up with snow for only 2 weeks...that is my limit..period....I am a true South Texas gal.

Wow...making cupcakes....if Mom's across America could get a quarter for every cupcake they baked....we would have some rich Mama's....and the kids do appreciate it so....for they get to share with their friends....so sorry to hear about your EX...does he have family around you ?

Lora....are you ok? Working two jobs can be so physically tiring...and then the exhaustion of grief....hope you are taking care of yourself. How is your son doing?

My son, Jeremy, that works for Nike in Portland called....he is not coming home for Christmas....he was just home in August for the 'Blessing and Scattering of John David's ashes....and Aaron and Kerry and 4 All American boys that live in CA cannot make it either....and...I am ok with that. It is so hard to travel with four little boys...but he just doesn't have the time off because Aaron came home for Daniel's open heart surgery.

November 7, 2013

Laurie,

Wisconsin has an excellent Victims Advocate program. Rose, our victims advocate, contacted us the morning after Brian died to see if we were coming to court for reading of the charges against the driver.

We did not make that court hearing, family was in town and we were planning a funeral for a 16 year old boy. We did make it to the other 4. Rose helped us to understand the court process. I still talk to her 5 years later.

The driver is done with parole in March of 2014. We wish him only the best. He will have a hard road. Living with the death of his friend and being a felon.

Hope this service also helps you,

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

November 7, 2013

Isabella's Mom,

We do not have a grave site either. But, believe it or not, Brian (at 15) told us he want to be cremated and not buried.

What 15 year old tells his parents this? A few of his friends also told us the same thing.

Each of us has both an urn and a necklace with ashes. We have spread Brian's ashes all over: Atlantic, Pacific, Smokey Mountains of Virginia, and the Rhine River outside Rudeshiem Germany.

That is what makes this site so great. Each of us handles this in a different way and all are right for us.

We are standing by you and holding you up as you experience these firsts. I applaud you for being able to follow a recipe.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

November 7, 2013

A song written for Trista by her friend Camara

Growing Up

Seventeen they say is young

Everyone thinks we are dumb

They say that we are growing up

In reality they’re stuck

But not me

You see I had a single friend

This cactus girl was not pretend

She made me Me

Played in puddles when it rained

Watched cartoons like everyday

Sang terribly to good songs

Colored in coloring books

No matter how dumb it looks

Climbed into a tree

But these are just memories

Part of growing up

She was an Angel from above

Went back home to leave us

But it’s okay

You see she was just seventeen

But not so dumb or naïve

She taught so much

She taught me how to love someone more than myself

Yes, I am hurt

Colored in coloring books

Played in puddles when it rained

Watched cartoons like everyday

Sang terribly to good songs

Colored in coloring books

No matter how dumb it looked

Climbed into a tree

But these are just memories

Part of growing up

It’s part of growing up

I don’t care what people say

Or if they’re mean in any way

I just wanna push someone to be

Who they’re supposed to be

It’s what you did to me

Why can’t they see

I’m ready

Played in puddles when it rained

Watched cartoons like everyday

Sang terribly to good songs

Colored in coloring books

No matter how dumb it looks

Climbed into a tree but these are just memories

Part of growing up

It’s part of growing up

Camara

Growing Up Trista's Song.MP3

The sound quality is terrible and she was recording it in her bedroom with lots going on the background but this brought tears that wouldn't stop. These things are all so hard. I am thankful, though that her friends do things like this to show that they carry her in their hearts and feel so strongly that she's taught them so much. I'm glad they share that with me.

Shannon

November 7, 2013

Becky...hoping you get over that cold soon. I bet your parents really appreciate what you do for them. I feel blessed that my siblings are close to my mom and visit her and Harry (stepdad) when they can. Wish they were closer to me, but I’ll see them at Christmas. Going to work on the back end of the Mustang this weekend. Gotta do the brakes and work on the back bumper. Praying for you and the rest of your family. Remember to take care of yourself so you don’t get any more sick.

Kate...I’m still a Vikings fan...not to the point of Jeff, but a few of my teacher friends go that route. For secret santa a couple of years ago, I found a little stuffed elf with Vikings gear from a site called Vikings Fanatics. It was a hit.

Susan...you are so right about the Halloween pictures...they sure brightened my day. I have to upload a pic of Brooks when he was younger. He looked like Aiden...blond hair and all. Shannon will like it.

Shannon...I also am wearing a few of Brooks baseball jerseys or workout clothes. Can’t really fit into anything else, although I’m down about 20 pounds and maybe one day can fit into his pants. He was a much snazzier dresser than me. I still carry his 30 cents that I found in his truck. Threw them into my jar of other change the other day, and was frantic at first. I’ve fondled and memorized what they look like so much I was able to find them. They were actually the only ones with the correct dates. Funny how things like that now affect me. Just those little things to feel close to our loved ones.

Isabella’s mom...I too am comforted daily by everyone here. Even though we all mourn and wish we didn’t have to be here, I am forever thankful that you are here for me. I will be praying for your ex-husband and son. You are so special to make those cupcakes for your son’s birthday. I know as a teacher that it’s so special to kids when parents are involved in stuff like that. Happy Birthday to your son.

Laurie...Thank goodness for people to look more at your case and find the truth. I hope that brings some peace and this lady really “has your back.” Seems like those type of people are hard to find in this day and age. Not on this site though. I feel like I found a new extended family. So thankful.

Colleen...thank you for sharing about Brian’s wishes and how you scattered his ashes. Seems like such a special way to honor your son...he’s everywhere and close to your heart at the same time. We haven’t gotten any farther on Brooks’ headstone...still too hard to think that far ahead...but I feel like I’m letting him down at the same time. Many of his friends want to help and be a part of it, so maybe it’s time...

Prayers, thoughts, and special wishes for everyone. Hoping for peace and beauty to visit you tomorrow.

Thought I'd post this poem I found for those of you who have been on this journey for a little while. Makes me feel like there is some hope.

Feelings

I feel like I' ve just existed

And now it's been a year

I don't know how I' ve lived and breathed

Without you being here.

I know you lived your lifetime

As short as that seems to me,

But the pain in my heart is still so great,

Yet I know your spirit is free.

At times I think I hear you

The thoughts come to my mind.

I struggle for the sound of your voice,

But your voice I cannot find.

Yet you come to me in many ways

So I know you did not die,

You want to tell me that you' re close,

And to please stop asking Why.

Our lives on earth seem all too brief,

Or brief as it seems to me.

But where you are is forever,

GOD calls that Eternity !

November 7, 2013

Wade, thank you so much for taking the time to post that lovely poem. With everything you are going through and knowing how busy you are in your daily tasks...taking the time to comfort us as well. Sounds to me as if you raised an exceptionally great young man. Shannon, it must be a real comfort to be surrounded by such loving friends. That girl of yours packed a lot into her seventeen years. And Susan...well I know this day will be bittersweet...however I can't let it slip away without mentioning your birthday today. Have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And knowing that Daniel is on the mend is surely a terrific reason to celebrate. Have a lovely day. Isabella's Mom. I agree with Wade...I have always been a baker from scratch sort of person. I am sure your son loved those cupcakes. I am wishing everyone a decent day. Kate

November 7, 2013

Four days sleeping pratically all day, and I still don't feel much better! Raining here today, not helping my headache or the pain in my back from sleeping on the couch (not trying to make everyone else sick). Taking cold/flu medicine, which is helping, just not quickly enough.

I had to come on and write to Wendy, Isabella's mom, to say how much your post meant to me. I was not upset by your admission of once using your phone while driving, but honored that you share JD's message regarding distracted driving to others, and that you picture him while driving yourself. It was so uplifting to know that the message we are trying to put out is reaching and affecting people.

Jared (JD) was cremated, as his sister told us that he had expressed to her that is what he wanted to do whenever he died. I think I influenced him in that thought, as I have always said I wanted to be cremated and have some of my ashes spread on my flowerbeds! There is a small box of his ashes that is buried at the cemetery, but the most in his urn which we have here in our living room. He always talked about a trip to Jamaica, so maybe someday we'll make that trip.

I sleep with Jared's teddy bear every night, cuddling it like I would a baby. He got this particular teddy bear when he was five and had to be in the hospital for a week with pneumonia. I never left his side, had my hubby bring me change of clothes, and showered when some of the family was there to sit with Jared.

After Jared left us, and I visited his room, I realized he still had that teddy bear displayed on a corner cabinet. Most of his room had Bob Marley, Michael Jackson, guitar hero posters, and his collection of glass and plastic skulls, but there sat that teddy bear, and to me I think it reminded him of our bond during that time. He was my babyboy and I couldn't have loved him more...

Here is the bear, and a pillow that I got when I had surgery in 2005, which all the boys on our basketball team signed. Jared signed right in the middle.

As I look at these names on my pillow, KJ, who signed under Jared's name and graduated last year, has now signed with the Boston Red Sox, Jordan Brown, above and to the right of Jared's name, was this years star running back as a senior, and has led the varsity team to many victories; Gerrod graduated last year, and is employed at the hospital, Terontae, under Gerrod's name, is working UPS and attending college. This would have been Jared's senior year, and I have to wonder where my boy would be now, what he would be doing...

November 7, 2013

Colleen, I hope this lady from the Attorney Generals office will be able set some things right...there was one more horribly disrespectful act the sheriff dept. did on intaking our case...I did not know until last night...they really need to be held accountible to someone...

Wade, so very much liked the peom...

Becky, we buried Jesse with his childhood teddy bear, didn't matter to me he was 28, he is still my baby...

I am not posting as much because I have been in a state of exhaustion for awhile...after I started to feel like I was going downhill last month I caught a massive cold...some nights my heart in my chest feels like it is just pounding...

So, know I read, but have just felt under the weather...

November 7, 2013

Laurie....you posted gratitude because of what Becky had posted...information she had learned...to help you.....

How amazing...all of us strangers...that can come together...share...care...the common thread....the loss of our child....the most horrific blow a parent can have....and yet...we can reach out in our darkest moments to help each other out.

You have shared so much of what you have learned.....and just wanted you to know how it has helped me...thank you.

Dee posted a message to me.....to help me navigate this Year Two....we need all the cushion we can find....thank you. The journey is still so...so hard. Go down, Moses.

Becky...our Warrior Mom....you have been a 'light on the path' to many that have to fight on for justice for their child....thank you.

Kate...you give me heart hope. Thank you.

Lora...you and I are so alike in our journey...when you post...I nod my head...and say...'Yes, me, too'

Shannon...I hear your cry and struggle...and all I can do is share my words...but we are here for you.

Wade...a Daddy's broken heart helps me deal with my Daniel...thank you for sharing your journey.

Colleen....John David was cremated....I will post my story one day. Thank you for sharing yours.

And to all on this site...if I do not mention your name...please know you are in my heart and I so appreciate all you share.

You may not know it...but sometimes ...it can be just a short sentence...but it touches me.

November 7, 2013

Becky...just keep resting...that is still the best medicine.

Thank you for sharing the photos....priceless...

November 7, 2013

Thank you for your Birthday greetings....they put a smile on my face and in my heart....gee....67 today.....but the real miracle is I am still standing....although some days I am on my knees...

The miracle being is that I never thought I could or would live on if one of my children passed away....(still hard for me to say 'died')...but...we find we must be strong and carry on...

This is the last birthday card and Mother's day card from John David....paper treasures....there isn't enough money that could buy them from me...as many on this site will understand ....

The poem was given to me today from my GRANDdaughter..Taylor Houston Allie....she wrote it just for me..with tears in her eyes....and a hugical hug....

Austin called this morning....we chatted...and he told me..."You know...Uncle John David always reminded me of the Uncle in 'The Silver Bullet".....that was a favorite movie me and the GRANDchildren loved to watch together.....

All is well....

November 7, 2013

Happy Birthday to you Susan! The cards were just precious.

November 7, 2013

Susan,

Thinking of you today on your Birthday... The cards, the poem, all perfect and precious.

Becky,

The bear and pillow, I understand as we all do how these things are so precious.

These "things"... shirts, jackets, gloves, bears, coins, dolls... these aren't things and as Susan said, no one could offer enough gold to buy them from us. These "things" hold energy and love, the energy of our Children and love we share.

November 8, 2013

Wishing you a Happy Birthday Susan...

********************************************************************

Praying that we all have a restful, peaceful evening...

Can you see the candles

Burning in the night?

Lights of love we send you

Rays of purest white.

Children we remember

Though missing from our sight

In honor and remembrance

We light candles in the night.

All across the big blue marble

Spinning out in space

Can you see the candlesburning

From this human place?

Oh, angels gone before us

Who taught us perfectlove

This night the world lights candles

That you may see them from above

Tonight the globe is lit by love

Of those who know great sorrow,

But as we remember our yesterdays

Let's light one candle for tomorrow

We will not forget,

On Earth we will light candles

As we remember.

(Poem from Compassionate Friends site, author: Jacqueline Brown)

November 8, 2013

Laurie, take good care of yourself. A warm and soothing cup of tea I think. Thanks for that absolutely beautiful poem. I feel a sense of inner peace in reading it. Holding you all close and keeping you in my prayers. God Bless. Kate

November 8, 2013

Today I had a moment of magic. I’ve talked about Trista’s fairy doll, Iris, and how precious it is to me because of how much Trista loved this little fairy. I’ve never really talked about why fairies are so special to me and to Tris.

My childhood was hard and I had to grow up fast. When I was young I would imagine worlds where there was magic and fairies and always an old woman who cared for all creatures including me (My Gramma, I’m sure) When Trista was born I made a promise that she would know all the magic of being a child. I wanted to give her what I didn’t have just as I think every parent does. In a way I was also living vicariously through her, seeing all the magic that I missed, in her eyes.

A trip to the park was never just that. We would walk through the trees looking for “fairy trees”. Any tree that had a space at the bottom that looked like it could be a “doorway for fairies”. Then we would find gifts for the fairies… pinecones, acorns, dandelions, or pretty stones and leave them outside the fairy door. When Zak got older he would play this game with us too.

If the fairies were pleased with their gifts, and they always were, then they would leave little gifts in return when the kids were sleeping, under their pillows (I borrowed that from the tooth fairy). These gifts were usually something from nature. Both kids had a “treasure box” under their bed that they kept their fairy gifts in.

Eventually, they outgrew the game but fairies and magic never left our hearts and Trista stayed in love with them. That is the reason that Iris is so precious to me.

Today my Gramma and I went to visit Trista’s site. On the way home I had an urge to stop by this store in town that I knew carried lots of candles and books on spirituality just to browse. I really felt like I needed to stop there. When Gramma and I went in we were suddenly surrounded by Fairies, Angels, dragonflies, butterflies, and hummingbirds. They were hanging from the ceiling and on all the shelves. I thought of an article someone shared with me recently and was instantly in tears. The article was about signs from our Angels and the woman’s experience was similar to this. I do believe it was it sent to me so I would recognize this for what it was. I just wandered around for a long time, taking it all in. I found a beautiful Christmas fairy and another one that I just knew Trista would love. As I was getting ready to check out the woman behind the counter said “You seem so sad. Can I give you a hug?” I started to cry and told her about Trista. She said she could just see my pain and told me about losing her father recently but that she knows it doesn’t compare.

Once we left and got in the car, my Gramma looked at me and said, “That was amazing” and then looked to the sky and said, “Thank you, Angel.”

Here is a poem I wrote for Trista when we still played fairy games. I couldn’t find the original so this is from memory but I think it’s right.

Dance of the Fairies

Listen My Child, Listen well