Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Wendy....that poem came straight from a place of love and longing...thank you for sharing....

Colleen...I had to get off before I could write that I know your Thanksgiving will have both the Thankful heart....and Thoughtful heart...sometimes it feels as if we were balanced on a tightrope in this journey....

So many on this site will gain lots of strength in your posts of your journey.

Gretchen...we are thinking of you and your friend at this so very, very sad and hurtful time...in once again facing grief for one 'gone too soon'....let us hear when you are up to sharing.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sharing ...with the holidays ahead....

[wgreenlee]

Thank you everyone for thinking of me. I got his personal stuff, but haven't opened anything yet. They're all in biohazard bags. There were descriptions of everything on the bags, even down to how many pieces of gum he had in a pack... His necklace is bloodstained so I will have to screw up my courage for that one. Your support meant the world to me. The detectives were so supportive again. Told me to call if I needed too. Talked with them for quite a while. I pray so much for those of you who had to deal with the authorities as well. I know your experiences were a little different. I so much want your situations to have a positive outcome. God please allow that!

Anyway...worked over at my friend's last night refurbishing a dresser. He knew I needed some stuff to do.

God, be with all my online friends today. Give them the peace only you can deliver. Brighten their day with the beautiful memories of their children that we all need to continue in our journey. Love and comfort them. Amen

All my love to you...Wade

[daveydow1]

Hello to all my good friends at BI. Thanks to each & everyone of you for the wishes for Lisa's Angel Day. It means so much to me, really, as no one around me remembers anymore....it has been so long....over 40 yrs. But, I know you all understand that no matter how many weeks, months, and years go by, we will never forget our dear children or those special days when we honor them. Colleen.....I, too, am going to host Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I so understand how you are apprehensive. My dinner will be very small and laid-back......just my husband, myself, and my elderly mother, who is in failing health. I know that this may be my last chance to have her for a special dinner. I hope that your dinner goes well, and am glad that you are having some help with it. Kate---I agree with you wholeheartedly that we, here on earth, have no right to decide how God will judge each of us. I, too, have Catholic background, but have never believed in their teaching that suicide is a mortal sin etc. As you say.....each of us must be judged by God in HIS way. You will surely see your beloved son, Jeff, again. On Lisa's Angel Day, we visited her grave and placed a white carnation with greenery on the stone......said prayers, and also visited Davey's grave. Very emotional and all, but know in my heart that we will see them again,......just as each one here at BI will see their beloved child again. We don't have to listen to other's teachings/opinions.....we just follow our hearts, and that's enough. Bye for now, my friends. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

mommysangelisabella------Thank you for telling us about your beloved baby, Isabella. Tears fell as I read your words and lovely poem. As you say.....there's a special place in heaven for these tiny angels. I'm sorry for your loss, and glad that you found this site where everyone understands the devastation of the loss of a child. Wishing you comfort. Wgreenlee......I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son. BI is a good site......I've been here for over 10 yrs.....along with Dee. It has been a lifeline for me, and pray that you will find somemeasure of solace in coming BI.

[mikesmomrs]

SHERRY: So good to see your post and so very sorry I missed the day to post for Lisa...I pray that she surrounded you with her sweet spirit and let you know that she is always with you. My love to you, dear. WADE: I read of your having to go and pick up Brookes' things and my prayer is that he was with you to soften the pain and that you found strength in his sweet memories. I can't imagine, but my heart knows the sorrow of the loss and from that I draw strength to pray for you. KATE: I remember the story of the two at Jeff's site...my skin bubbled with goosebumps on reading it again..as well, remembering the tea house visit....truly your visitors at the site were angels and how blessed you were to be there and witness this gift, and the woman at the tea shop...heaven sent for sure. Many of us have these moments when we KNOW we are being visited and those moments and the memories of them provide us the oxygen we need to continue to put one foot in front of the other. I continue to hold you and Ross in my prayers. LORA: Holding you close and praying that your sweet Cara sends you strength as you try to continue moving forward. The sorrow can drown us some days, but the oxygen provided by our memories of them thankfully provides what we need for that "one more breath." I will try that "turning down the volume button"...I have used the "STOP" sign method in the past and it does work often, but not always. COLLEEN: So glad to read of your decision to host Thanksgiving this year...prayers for you for the day to go smoothly and the memories evoked to bring you only joy. WENDY: Your poem for your angel Isabella speaks to us all...love forever, memories, no matter how few, are treasures and gifts. The mother of one of my son's boys lost an infant a couple of years ago and it did bring comfort to her to hold him. I am so glad that you took advantage of the time you had to look at your sweet angel and be with her, and to hold your precious one...I believe it is something that will always comfort you. At CJ's services, she ended it with a quote from Dr. Seuss: "A person is a person, no matter how small." My heart goes out to you. SHANNON: I love to read of your sweet Trista... I am so very sorry for your loss and know that your heart hurts so badly right now. Your Grandma's vision...such a gift. DEBBIE: So very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Sam. yes, please do come and share him with us when you are able. SUSAN: Yes, "Year Two"...tough walk, Dee has said it is like "peeling an onion, layer by layer." Your "feeling and thoughts" on the way to the theater in San Antonio...the reminder that John David was in the busy city of Houston and then your thoughts...so very stirring...your beautiful son letting you know that he was in a land of beauty, peace and comfort. I have been reading every few days, but time is a sponge for me and seems to suck me up into it even though I fight it. I feel as though I have just gotten through the days of hubby's angelversary, (which were horrendous), and then thrust into the day of his birthday and young Mike's angelversary, two days later. I don't know whether to be glad, sad, or anything, in regards to the fact that young Mike died in his father's birth month and hubby died in young Mike's birth month...seems to be something there but can't quite put my thought on it. I miss my husband so, so much and feel as though I am living half a life. I am grateful for my children and grandchildren, and of course all of my memories or our life together; they bring me much comfort. The signs I see so frequently let me know they are both near, always, and this too brings me comfort. I am once again reminded of how we can be doing "okay" for a day or more, and then something will come along and put us right back into the pit. Some days my "pit" seems to follow me around. I try to used those wonderful memories as "rungs" on a ladder to help me climb back out. I know that the coming holiday season is pressing on us, and especially those new to this journey. I found a poem that was very comforting in some strange way when our son died...I felt it in my bones again that first Christmas last year without my soul mate. We move forward, but we take those thoughts of holidays past with us...there is good in this, but there is also sometimes much sadness. We walk forward and we learn to hold on to more of the former and try to let go of the latter, but it is a different course for everyone, and yet the same...we are striving to live our life as those we've lost would want us to...this is how we honor them. This is how they want us to honor them. Shortly before our son died, he came to me and said that he wanted me to use some of his life insurance money to take the trip I'd always wanted to take...a 2-3 week vacation to the Caribbean to just sit on the beach, swim and enjoy. I broke down at his request, thinking that I could never bring myself to "enjoy time at the beach" and pay for it with money that came from our son's death. He was insistent, though, and while I've yet to do it, I do have the plan in the back of my head. I know this is what he wanted for me. it's been 7 years...when will my heart be strong enough to do this? Still, the tears come at the mere thought. My love and prayers to all....I am so glad that our angels led us here, to be together, to give each other strength, to provide a place to share what we cannot share elsewhere. This is the poem I spoke of earlier that strangely brought me comfort that first Christmas...it speaks to our deep need to allow ourselves the feel the sadness that engulfs us at the mere thought of "holidays." t

I WANT

Stop the children’s singing,

The voice I long for has been stilled.

Turn out the sparking lights,

They are no longer reflected in his eyes.

Close the shops, lock the doors,

The gift I want just isn’t there.

Take away the Joy, the Peace on Earth,

the Season’s Greetings.

I want company in my misery,

Throw out the baubles, the ornaments,

the pretty packages,

I can’t see them through my tears.

Light a candle in his memory,

Tell me you remember,

Send me a blanket of pure, white snow,

To cover the Earth,

and his place in it. I was gifted with this beautiful sight on the way home from bring Damon home the other night...

[ericasmom]

Carol, lovely lovely lovely to see you today. It is a gray day here, rainy and promises of big rains tonight, I am in and quiet after a morning with the small writing group I am a part of. It is good to see your Mike looking out, knowing that he is looking out for you along with your partner of so many years, both of them joined to spread their love and light over you and the family.

Susan, just thinking...perhaps leaving that chair, that space for John David empty but for a box, a box of hopes or a box of thankful thoughts written at the table before dinner maybe, and slipped into the slot of the box, maybe to be read at Christmas, a gift of sorts. Or...a box with slips of paper noting things of need by a local family or children from a local shelter or hospital; mittens for a 3 year old, doll for a 5 year old, new pajamas for a sports fan who is 8....and each person take one of those slips and fulfills those wishes in John David's name. Just thinking.

My heart to you all, Wade, you open the bags when you feel ready, there is no time limit on that. You went to get them and we all know that that could not have been easy. I am glad that the detectives are supportive of your broken heart.

[ericasmom]

To the numbers that bring us all here:

The Math of it All

The birth, a date- a time stamp-

a weight

and an APGAR Score-

Count the toes,

How many letters in the name?

Bring baby home, an address, an absolute place on the map, latitude and longitude- new life to a family of how many members?

She grows-how big, how long, what gains and learns 120 words by age 2,

And then more and then 220 words strung into two and three word sentences

and each year another candle, more photos for the book,

A new mark on the wall for heights,

(I remember the marks on the wall).

He goes to school and makes a number of friends and learns to read

And falls short or above or right there at average

for how many words per minute- even though that is not really reading,

and he writes and does math problems,

First grade now,

then second

and all of a sudden tenth grade –

hoping they make it strong through 12th,

some do and some do not.

Will they go on?

Higher education, get a job, make money?

We count on our fingers,

we count on our luck, to see them again

tomorrow or the next week,

seven days or seven weeks later,

as long as we know that we will see them,

that they are okay,

We count on that,

until we cannot count on that and all of their numbers are in the past-

A timeline with an endpoint.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Carol,

So good to see your post. Thank you for your kind words. I understand those pits that we fall into along the way. I think this early in journey I am in one more than not but have hope that as time goes on I will continue to find more footing. The poem you shared is exactly how I feel right now and I’m sure many of us do. Thank you for sharing that.

Wendy,

Your poem to Isabella is written from the heart and so very real and beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Wade,

Take your time with those bags. Trista’s things were brought to me in those same bags. It was so hard… all of her things counted and listed on the fronts of the bags. Some things had to be cut off of her. I’m thinking of you. Do everything in your own time.

Laurie and Wendy,

On nightmares and bad dreams… I have them too, a lot. I have only had a couple of very vague dreams of Trista that have left me with peace and a sense that those dreams really came from “somewhere else”. I cherish those. The other ones are not like that at all. Sometimes I wake up at 3 or 4 am and just have to be awake. Sleep is over for the night for me.

Dee,

Thank you for sharing your poem. The last verse spoke to me the most. I am struggling to accept that there is/was an end point. Writing that letter this week has pushed me to try to deal with that reality and it’s not going so well.

Colleen,

I'm glad that you are able to do Thanksgiving this year and that your family will be helping you.

Shannon

[wgreenlee]

Shannon...

You keep sharing no matter what. All from a mother's heart. I will always be here for you like you have been for me. Let it out and we will read. We will think of beautiful Trista. You and I and now a few others are so new to this, but with the help of everyone else we will get through this. So many people in our new family are looking out for us, even in their own grief. So many special people here. We will get through this together so you keep sharing Trista with us...dreams...hopes...longings. I know they will never go away, but they are part of us and our blessed children. Sometimes I just make up happy endings for each one of them, and it makes it a little better. I pray for a peaceful evening for you and the boys, and a day tomorrow filled with love from Trista.

I'm not sure this will help, but one thing I have learned so far in my journey, is that there is nothing I could have done to save my son. I have cried many tears thinking that I should have been there for him...but then I realize, I was there for him...his whole life. And he was loved so much and was happy. He told me all the time how lucky he was to have me there for him. And I was blessed to have him as well. Trista knew of your undeniable love for her. All of the pictures and stories you have shared are a testament to that. She was loved!!! I can't answer why they are gone...why God needed them...but I do know that my immense grief is tempered by the immense love Brooks is feeling right now. That is the one thing that keeps me going. Doesn't lessen my sorrow, but it helps me realize that my boy is ok...and with that thought, I know that eventually I will be ok. Not ever whole...but ok.

Dee...

Thank you so much for your thoughts. You always are so comforting. And what you wrote about numbers is so spot on... A whole life of numbers...but also so many good memories of those things. Thank you.

Carol...

I think he was...sometimes I just get little thoughts in my head of what Brooks would say to me...and they seem so real. I believe God helps us all in that way. He was telling me to take my time and that these were his things and I shouldn't be afraid. They were a part of him like he was a part of me. I cried in the car looking at the envelopes, asking for strength, and then, literally, at that exact moment my mom called. She knew I needed comfort. How the heck did she know? I guess it's the same way we always knew when our children needed comfort. God knows we need that comfort now, and He will provide. What a beautiful picture! I must tell you that I did look at a little at his phone. Wanted to see unseen pictures of him and he had taken all these pictures of the sun rising or setting when there was a fire in our area and the smoke makes the sun so cool to see. It's almost like those pictures were there for me. I know my son had a gentle heart, but seriously...pictures of the sun. And all these pictures of him and his little dwarf cat..Baby. Pictures to make me see the good and let go of my sorrow for a little while. Thank you Brooks for your gentle, caring, loving soul!!! No wonder you had so many friends who loved you. How could they not? Thank you, Carol.

Sherry...

I am so sorry I missed Lisa's angel date. I am thinking of you now and how loved she was, as well as your son, David. Thank you for your thoughts and I will keep you in my prayers as well. And you are so right...this is a place with people that have been my lifeline. Thank you all.

Wendy...

Beautiful poem for little Isabella. She heard it in all her glory now. She knows of your love for her and I pray will comfort you in the days ahead as I will also strive to do.

Kate...

I feel your thoughts and prayers for me somehow. Don't know how...but I do feel them. Thank you...thank you...thank you. And I am doing ok...Haven't opened the necklace bag yet, but Shauna would like it so I will open it tonight...clean it off...and tell Brooks to hold Shauna close when I give it to her. And he will. It was a crucifix and he was so proud of it when Shauna bought it for him. Now you are in His holy presence, Brooks. Sing to Him!

And to everyone else...you are so special to me. I wish I could be there in person to give all of you comfort when you are low...but know you are never far from my thoughts and prayers.

And to you, my precious, caring, loving son...Thank you for being the person you were...you are...you will ever be in my heart. The pictures of you and Baby filled me with so much longing, but of love too that you cared so much for such a small, little thing. I could tell that she loved you so much, even in those pictures. And the pictures of you tending to Dragon's cut. You had to take pictures so you could share with me, and I loved you even more then. And of the beautiful sunsets. You always looked for the little things to make life worth living. I miss you so much, but today has been ok, because I know you would want it that way. You make me so proud! I will honor you, Brooks, in everything I do. Let me feel you tonight and bring me good dreams. All my love buddy...Dad.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

Thank you so much. I deleted most of my earlier post because I thought maybe it was too much. Thank you for your reassurance. I know Tris knew and still knows how much I love her. I told her everyday and still do. I just really struggle with my broken promise. She was so afraid of dying and I promised her over and over that she would not die young. I can't help feeling that I lied to her. I just never thought I was lying. In my world... before... Seventeen year olds do not die. I live in another world now.

Here is the rest of my earlier post.

I’ve been in a very low place. I was struggling before with a lot of things going on within my family. Then that letter that I had to write. Until then thoughts of the future without my Girl were vague. I stayed in today or more often yesterday, as much as possible. That was enough, to just get through one more day. In many ways I am usually able to almost convince myself that she is just away.

Writing this letter, I had to explain this loss and how our lives have changed without Trista and it made me face things that maybe my mind wasn’t ready to face. I don’t know if that makes sense. I was hanging on to just one more breath, one more hour, one more day. I look for her everywhere and if I can find some sign of her I grab it. Maybe I see her when she isn’t really there sometimes but it would get me through the day so I would grab it. Now, the words I had to write are stuck in my head. The loss of Trista’s future and the reality that she’s not coming home.

Trista was doing so well dealing with her anxiety that she started dancing again. She had taken ballet classes all her years growing up until her anxiety got too severe to allow her to continue. She was not able to perform so she stopped dancing. That was heartbreaking for both of us because I loved to watch her dance and she loved ballet. It was so hard to know that my daughter was struggling with her anxiety to the point that she had to give up something she loved so much. When she started again, her teacher said she was a natural and couldn’t believe that Trista had been away from dance for so long. She was set to perform a ballet solo to “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina”.

It was a dream for us to see her dance again. Not only because she was a beautiful ballerina but also because this marked a new beginning for Trista. She had fought and overcome so much in a few years. She pushed herself to be everything she could be. She was fully embracing life again without the fear of loss and death. She struggled with her anxiety so much after losing her grandfather and her father just 4 months apart and witnessing her Dad’s heart attack. She was always so afraid that something would happen to her or she would lose someone else. I would hold her and cry with her and promise her that everything would be okay and that she would live a long, happy life. I couldn’t keep that promise and that is such a hard thing for me.

We never got the chance to see Trista dance again. Her recital was scheduled for June 2nd. On June 1st she was killed. And all of her dreams, our dreams were gone in an instant. She had worked so hard and had overcome so much only to have her life ripped away. She was only seventeen years old and had the whole world at her feet. With her amazing, loving, fighting Spirit she had already accomplished so much and I believe she would have gone on to do great things with her life. What those things would have been I will never have the chance to know.

Her dance school dedicated the recital to Trista just one day after she left the earth. The day of Trista’s services her dance teacher brought me the tiara from Trista dance costume. It is a reminder of my beautiful girl and all she accomplished but also a heartbreaking reminder of all she never got the chance to do.

She was taken from us just 20 days before her 18th birthday. She didn’t even have her driver’s license as she planned to get it when she turned eighteen. She looked at driving as a very serious responsibility so she decided to wait until she was an adult to start driving.

Now, instead of Mother Daughter shopping trips and lunches, I tend the garden planted in Trista’s honor by family and friends. Instead of college visits we spend our weekends at the cemetery. Instead of helping her with college applications and scholarship essays I’m designing her headstone. This is not the future my Baby Girl deserved.

I will never see her graduate high school, go off to college, realize her dream of becoming a nurse, fall in love or help her plan her wedding. I will never see her have children or know what beautiful life she would have created for herself. There is a raw and bleeding hole in my heart that will never heal. We are a broken family. There is a huge piece of “us” missing, one that can never be replaced and we will never be the same without the light that Trista Mae brought to our lives.

I just miss my Girl so much. I know you all understand this missing, the loss of a huge piece of our lives and futures… their futures. I’m sorry if this is too down. I don’t want to bring anyone down. I just needed to share these thoughts with people who understand. I’m sorry if I’ve said these things before. Some of them I may have shared already. I tend to go in circles sometimes and end up back where I started.

Shannon

[wgreenlee]

Goodbye son we had to say

A few months ago on a warm summer day

We’ll remember the good times and try not to be sad

But saying goodbye still hurts so bad

We miss you more than words can express

Our love for you will never ever grow less

We keep trying to imagine how to go on

But then realize tomorrow brings a new dawn

We know you’re now in heaven above

Looking down on us with all of your love

Always whispering in our yearning ears

Be happy now, I have no more fears

Always remember, good times are not done

Remember the man, our wonderful son

Think of him, you won’t be alone

He’s still alive in his heavenly home

One day we’ll be together again

To talk about all the places we’ve been

Until that time which we will so treasure

Having you for a son, was such a great pleasure

Love you, Brooks Christian Greenlee...Dad

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Shannon, if it is in your heart, it cannot be too much to share, it needs to be shared. Your letter was a lovely testament to who you mourn and the myriad of ways your lives have been altered so dramatically. While writing this forced a kind of rush of your readiness to say these things, it also might prove to be a force that allows more room for healing. I am so sorry for this terrible loss, so sorry. She is dancing with those expressive movements, doing the dance of love and devotion.

Wade, lovely poem, the words pour out of our hearts into the space around us...constant record of our love.

[Jeff's Mom]

We spent the day yesterday in the city. We managed to get a lot accomplished. For the first time in nine months I saw my husband actually happy... and acting more like his old self. It did my heart good to see him so positive. As we were leaving the downtown area mid afternoon the side streets were filling up with floats for the Santa Claus Parade. I managed to get a glimpse of some really beautiful and elaborate floats. It took me back to the time the boys were young and we always loved attending a parade. The day was actually perfect for it. Cloudy but no wind whatsoever and the temp was hovering around the 0C or 32F mark. We stopped for a light and as we did so we caught a glimpse of a man coming out of a Tim Horton's with his partner. I did a double take as he looked so funny. He had the most awesome Elvis hairdo. This baby was so perfect it looked as if it was made of ceramic sitting on his head. He was so funny the way he walked... and he was afraid to turn his head at all for fear of ruining the masterpiece. Well, Ross started to laugh. He laughed so hard that tears were falling down his cheeks. The only thing we could figure out is that he must have been about to get ready for the parade. Anyway for some silly reason he made our day. I have not heard my husband laugh for a very long time. It was as if it was all bottled up inside. Last night the wind started to pick up off of the lake. It became really quite nasty as the evening progressed with snow falling constantly. We woke up this morning to approximately three inches of freshly fallen snow. It really is a winter wonderland up here today. I imagine we will stay close to home today and putter around. The upcoming bereavement night at the hospital is coming up on December 3rd. We purchased a few ornaments for the inside tree. As Colleen and Dee have mentioned...it is going to be hard to attend, but as time goes on it does become more manageable. To everyone that is have such a difficult time right now I am sending love and prayers. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I have enjoyed reading all of the beautiful poems...what a lovely tribute to you child. Wishing you a peaceful day. Love, Kate

[SamDsmom]

This is the first time I have ever blogged or really used anything like this for anything other than research. I'm not sure if this is the correct page but here goes. My son was killed by a train on September 20 of this year. The railroad said that when they came around the corner they saw his red coat in the tracks but they thought he was trash so they didn't try to stop until it was too late. I was told that an open casket was not appropriate so we had him cremated. His father and I are divorced and I am remarried. My husband is an over the road truck driver. We were 1200 miles away when we got the call. By the time we got back all of the funeral arrangements had been made so I had very little input. I had given the preacher something to read at t he funeral. Most of which he left out in "the intetest of time". He and the funeral director started the family prayer before the service without me as I was outside freaking out because my step children who were driving from out of town were late. I was worried about them. Once again without telling me they had to move on in the interest of time. The police have ruled out suicide and are still waiting on the autopsy and toxicology reports to make their final determination. There is much more but I wil get to the point of what brings me to this post today. My husband and I are back out on the road. We left the follwing week. I feel like I have lost my mind. My husband trys to comfort me, but usually ends up making it about him which infuriates me. My parents and my sister don't contact me. It is almost like they don't know what to say. Last week I had what I call a melt down. I was in a rage with my husband. I could not stop. He stopped on the side of the road and called my parents to tell them they needed to come and get me. We were about 30 miles from home. They suggested that he put me in a motel til I got it together, otherwise they didn't know what to tell him. He felt sorry for me so we took off and here I sit. Yesterday he told me that he loves me but I've changed and he is trying to work through the way I talked to him but he is angry so nit to be surprised if he is distant or hateful due to my actions. I am ashamed and I am hopeless. If I did not belive that ultimately I would be with the Lord in heaven with my son, I would kill myself, but that is not an option. I try to pray but don't get much comfort from that. I guess I thoight maybe someone on here could identify since it seems that everyone else can't. Thank you

[Mermaid Tears]

SamDsMom...this is the reply I wrote the other day of your first posting..am sending it again..to let you know we did 'hear' you...Debbie....first I want to say how sorry WE all are for the loss of your sweet SONshine boy...

second....and this is one of the most important ....you will have to learn to 'self care'....that means you will have to be very, very good to yourself..you will have to be gentle with yourself...GRIEF is a very physical thing...and you have had a great emotional breakdown...and that can cause a physical breakdown....your 'heart' has been shattered...and yes...it does feel as if one is having a physical 'heart attack'....panic attacks...are quite common for those that have lost a child...when I say child....I consider child can be one ...2 years....6 years...16...23....38....42....50...no matter the age....they are still our child....

Anger is a very normal emotion...and you can just be as angry as you want....yes...we do have that privilege....in fact...I think if we smother that normal emotion...it can come out down the road...and probably be very self destructive...and here....I want to say this for you....if...you are thinking of harming yourself....you must go and 'talk to a counselor'.....none of us on this site are in that position....we are simply parents that have lost a child....and we come together to 'care..share..relate' our journey. For me, I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child...and I can come here and all on this site...knows where I am coming from. This site has been a lifeline for me...when my human boat has been going down for the last time.

It does feel as if you can't breathe...I call that 'coming up for air'....it is that physical. That is why you must self care. Now....your grief will be as unique as your child...the common thread is that ...we are not abnormal...we are just 'in mourning'....

To have 'anger' to those around you....and the lashing out...is like an animal in pain...they will even bite their master....but....you have to realize....if that is happening...it is because...you need 'care'....if you are being 'strong' for everyone around you.....you are depleted...there is nothing else to give...you are at the end of your rope....time to stand back...and do whatever you can to 'give yourself a cup of the compassion' you are giving to others. Many of us can relate...for we have other children, too....that are grieving...and we want to do all we can for them. But...we are only human...and we do have limits...the saying..'it is better to give than receive' still stands...but when a parent is in grief....'it is better to receive than give'.....even if you are the only one giving yourself the time to heal...adjust...cry.

Please come back and post when you can and tell us about your boy...and yourself...many on this site will reach out to you and give you that hand up. Peace to you.

[Jeff's Mom]

SamDsMom...First of all I want to say again how sorry I am for your loss. I know that you have come to a place where you can discuss your feelings openly with others that have been through the pain of losing their child. You must never be ashamed for expressing your feelings. You have suffered a tremendous shock and the loss is awful. I am very sorry that the family chose to exclude you from many of the funeral preparations. That is a very important step to take in feeling as if you are having a hands on in the final tribute to your boy. I can only say as far as the others distancing themselves from you that most likely they simply are not able to face the loss... and are not able to give you the support that you need. I gather that being out on the road makes it impossible to seek grief counseling, or attend a grief group. I am really glad that you felt you could come here to talk. We definitely do understand the really difficult struggle it is to get through those day to day routines when we feel we just can't cope. It is very common for family not to be able to reach out at those times we need them the most. Everyone here is just great and will surround you with the sense of not being left to cope alone. Hugs to you. Kate

[ericasmom]

Debbie, you wrote here once before a few weeks ago, I was worried about you and am glad to see you back. If I could, I will just say a few things to let you know that you are not off base with anger and with melting down.

Your life changed completely with a phone call, with a moment of time that took your Beloved SOn from this Earth. Nobody does really know how to talk with you in a way that is all helpful, even if they are trying to be helpful or nurturing. For all of the plans to have been made without you further stole some control from the whole event and then to be told that you have changed???WELL NO KIDDING! Many of us have had marital issues regarding the loss of our Child, it puts a strain that is foreign and intense on relationships. If both parents are not the parent that raised the Child, it can erode quickly. He can't feel the loss as you do, and your changes are unwelcome in his world. Either he goes to therapy with you to understand what you are going to need going forward, or you might have to cut some ties for a while. You are going to need a great deal of time and space in which to grieve. Grief is fulltime, some of us went right back to work and many of us found it beneficial, but many did not and could not return to their jobs right away or ever. This is part of that time thing, the need to explore your options, the need to learn to breathe and walk at the same time for heavens sake. This is all new terrain, there is nothing NOTHING that prepares one for this so the one thing you absolutely do not need, is someone putting labels and expectations on you to be who you once were. We aren't who we once were, we are made different by this loss and it will take time to learn how best to live in this new world.

As I said when I wrote the last time, my Daughter also died due to a train. Her car was struck by an Amtrak at a broken crossing in Michigan. This was 10 years ago. The biggest lesson is to find time and honor your life as His Mom through treating yourself well, being gentle and good to your body and mind. Your Boy Sam will be honored through these actions.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Debbie: Also posted right after your first post:

Sam's Mom, Debbie, I am so so sorry for your loss, but glad you found your way here. Most of us will tell you we have had to re-arrange the list of friends we thought we had before these tragedies struck our lives, and yes, even how we relate to family. I try to be kind, but I have found that I have become very blunt on some subjects, and don't hesitate to say how I feel. I also understand what you said about not finding much comfort in knowing your child is with God. Perfectly understandable, because it means no matter how content and happy your mind tries to tell you he is, he is not with you, and that is the discomfort. It's a pain beyond any we have ever felt, and a missing that nothing seems to fill. Sometimes, in comparison, it helps me to think of those that have lost a child, and don't have the peace that they will ever see them again. I can't imagine not having faith that there is a hereafter, and a loving God. Hold on.

I wrote that a week or so ago, and now after reading your latest post, I have to tell you that is sometimes easier to lash out at those closest to us. There are days, that if I were to say outloud the things that I say under my breath to my husband, we would probably be divorced! There is just so much anger that you can swallow down, and when people tend to take the conversation from what's on your heart to something about them, even if it's how they feel, it's just so frustrating. It's like they're not hearing what you are trying to say. I have had to exercise a lot of patience, and am careful not to say things that would be really hurtful, because once said, it can't be taken back.

Please keep coming back and posting, and tell us more about your son.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Debbie,

I remember you first post too and want to say again how very sorry I am for the loss of your son, Sam.

To lose a child does change us. There is no way it can’t and everything everyone has said is so right. I have struggled with miscommunication and misunderstanding in my own marriage. My husband is also Trista’s stepfather and did not have the time with her that I did. He experienced a loss for sure but in a much different way than me but he did not understand at first how different it was for each of us. Even in a marriage that both biological parents are still together there can be a disconnect because both people grieve so differently. For us there were other issues on top of everything else so the answer for us was to separate for a while to give each of us our space to take care of ourselves. If your husband could do as Dee suggested and educate himself more about the depth of the pain and loss you are dealing with it may help a lot. Seeing a counselor together or if that’s not possible because of the nature of your job, there are other resources, things he could read. Laurie, has posted some things under the title, “Grief Healing” that are very good for people new to this journey and people trying to be there for us. I’ve shared some of those things with my husband he has said they have helped him a lot to understand me. I’m sending thoughts and prayers of comfort to you. Please keep sharing with us. Coming to this place has been a saving grace for me.

Shannon

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted.

[SamDsmom]

Thank you so much for your responses. For the first time I don't feel like I'm alone or some kind of monster. Sam was wonderful. He was the kid of kid who was everyone's friend. The weekend before the accident he took a sick friend of his who was home from Afganistan back to Denver. The friend had some brain trauma from serving over there and his mother could not make the trip from southern Kansas back to Colorado for his doctor appointment so Sam offered to drive him. That's the kind if friend he was. He was gentle and had a heart of gold. He called me and we talked most of the way back on his 6 hour trip. After he graduated from high school and got his first "real job" and got his first Christmas bonus of $700, he called me and asked me to go shopping with him over the phone while he spent the entire check on his neices and nephews for Christmas. He was 18 yrs old. He wasn't an angel, but he was the closest thing to it. He never got in trouble. We never had to disciplne him. A couple of talks but always good grades. I can't write more now but thank you for your response and listening.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sam's Mom, I wrote to you the other day, lost my post though...I am truly sorry for the loss of your son, Sam...so many of the children represented here have been the "givers" in life...you can be proud that your Boy looked out for others even if it meant there was a cost to himself...I have received so much help and encouragement from this group of parents...it would have been so hard, so very hard without their caring words and support...

I too have had my intense anger moments, they still come...

You may not know her name yet, but Elizabeth Kubler Ross was a famous psychologist that worked with the dying (a lot with child death) for many years...she has now passed on herself...but she conducted workshops on loss from death or one's own impending death during her time...she often had her clients take a rubber hose and just beat a mattress...she advised to be in a safe spot, safe away from others observance and scream if you have to... I live in the country so it is easier to rant without being observed...these things have helped me with the anger part...however, you may find other ways that work better for you...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

Thank you for sharing your poem. It's a beautiful tribute to Brooks. I'm glad you found those pictures.

Kate,

I loved the story of the Elvis look alike. I'm so glad you and Ross were able to have that laugh. Laughing like that is definitely good for the soul.

Laurie,

I'd never read about the rubber hose and mattress but can see that being a very good way to let it out.

Lora,

I hadn't really thought about it being close to 6 months but I have felt like I am moving into a different place now. I don't like it. I'm tired. I can't fall asleep and once I do I don't want to wake up. I'm thinking of you too. I hope you have some time to rest.

Dee,

Thank you for your encouragement. I do believe Trista is dancing in spirit. I just miss her terribly. It's hard to think of the rest of my life without her.

I'm thinking of everyone today. I'm very very tired and on high alert because we are in the path of some of these tornado producing storms traveling through the Midwest. I'm keeping an eye on things and have my boys home with me. I'm sure it will be fine but high winds make me very nervous.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Those big storms have caused major damage in Central Illinois and some towns southwest of us. Now there is a bright sunshine and even a rainbow in which to feel better. The Bears game began but was suspended due to the nature of the storms, highly dangerous. Now the warnings are over for the most part and the clouds are moving revealing blue again. The water under our viaducts in town made driving just a mile away very tricky. Hopefully that will soon go down and things will settle. Everyone stay safe.

Lora, I am so glad that Jared is loving his work in Chicago, and that he is receiving good direction from his professors. You remember to take good care of you Lora. That tiredness that goes along with the anxiety and sadness can be overwhelming at times. Just remember to be kind to you.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I'm glad you're safe and the storms are over there. I just saw some pictures of some of the damage in Illinois. I love thunderstorms but as soon as there is high wind I'm on edge and these storms are dangerous. Hoping anyone else in the path stays safe.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, glad the system has moved on. It is awful here today. A major storm system has passed through Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba...heading towards northern Ontario. We have had at least ten inches of heavy wet snow so far. It is the wind that is really bad coming off of the water. Supposedly it is going to warm up a tad during the week. Keep safe everyone. These weather patterns can be just crazy! Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, thanks for the beautiful poem...a verse has been coming to mind about Brooks, John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.

Take care of yourself and share with Renea too....holding you up before the Father...

Becky, just wanted to say I like the new photo you have for Jared...so glad you shared the photos of him and the niece the other day...

Susan, thanks for posting the poems on holidays, especially the second one, your writings always from the heart and I treasure them because you have so much compassion...your hand of friendship to me has meant so much...

Carol, yes, the poem you had put on does speak to me...at a very deep level...I am glad you posted the other day...think of you often...

Kate, so happy to hear that you and Ross had a nice time in the city...I would love to see that Elvis hair...and how wonderful he was able to laugh...

Lora, "scared of the unknown", yes, the "unknown"....we have lost ourselves in our beloved children's death...I am not sure of the process going forward...it just is a one day at a time journey for me, at this point it is just impossible for me to go into the future any further than the end of the day...the impossible has happened...our children called home early...perhaps in time...after some healing is in place...

Dee, hope the storms have moved on...hard to believe a football game got cancelled, the weather must have been very bad....keep safe...

"This is all new terrain, there is nothing NOTHING that prepares one for this so the one thing you absolutely do not need, is someone putting labels and expectations on you to be who you once were.

We aren't who we once were, we are made different by this loss and it will take time to learn how best to live in this new world. "

And this is so true...

********************************************************

Wishing all a peaceful evening...

[ericasmom]

Goodnight All, yes the full moon is shining bright now, the clouds have moved on. The path of destruction in the south central part of our state is huge, and there have been losses of lives as well. Some whole neighborhoods have been flattened. Prayers for those who tonight are wondering how their lives changed in the blink of an eye.

Be well and safe and know that you are not weak when you are afraid, you are not weak when you cry, you are far stronger than you ever could imagine or ever wanted to know. Stand in the light of your Sweet Child and know that you will always be their beloved parent.

[Mommysangelisabella]

Sams mom,

I wanted to first start agen by telling you how sorry i am for your loss sam sounds like an amazing boy , son, and friend . One made from perfection. I would love to hear all there is to know about him when you hv the time. As for the anger i hv it to i dircect mine depending on the moment sometime of whos in front of me. But for you hours and sometimes days on the road with just your husband leaves only him. I do agree at what the others hv said he needs to understand and you cnt explain it none of us can maybe suggest him looking online for a suport group for people helping partners threw their greif. As for your family mine is the same i hv a mom dad and 3 sisters in my town and the day i came home from giving birth to my angel was pretty much the end of their care except the day of her memorial. I think it was very very very wrong of all of them every single one of them to not include you in his funeral you are the most important one along with his father no excuses and i agree with the others its a big part of healing it was suggested i didnt do anything at one point it was suggested heavly that i just preform a procedure to get rid of my daughter like medical waste for over 3 hours i fought the doctor she is not waste shes my daughter and when she was born she was perfect 10 toes 10 fingers she was 11 1/2 inches long and 1pound 4ounce . I will never regret my decison on how i handled the end with her and it brings comfort to me every day to know i did the right thing. Can i suggest something for you i think might help ? Plan a memorial service your self for him . In a place you both love , the beach , lake , your church , where ever your heart feels its right bring him with you invite who ever you wish dnt feel you hv to invite anyone this is for you and for sam . They didnt care so why shoud you. Incude anything and everything that you want even if it seems silly and maybe not so mainstream. I handed out tasteful pics of my girl with hearts attached to them to the adults and little purple butterfly toys to all the kids it was one of those maze games it helped keep them bussy during the service. Everything was done in purple and purple butterflys her color and theme. I even made my own sign in book well its not a book i drew up four big butterflys on pic paper and everyone left their thumb print and name they are now framed on my wall in my room right below her on her shelf. So really do anything and everything that makes your heart feel any better and what sam would like. This is just my thought , just try and do something for you and for him so you can hv that big peice you feel yoyr missing. Sam went to heaven just four days before my isabella faith her time between that date and getting her back from the funeral home was horrendous. I dnt know the pain of loosing an older child and of one in such away but i do know the loss of a child and some days i cnt breath . This place this site these people i now call family even though ive never sern most of their faces or heard not one voice they help me survive when i feel like im drowning in my pain . Please let me be that person for you as ive been given. I hv always bern the one to give in my life its what i was born to do . Our lifes will never ever be as they were you will never ever be who you were. We both are now just learning who wr might become. Maybe tell yoyr husband if your comfortable today im not hving a good day i will try and control it but forgive me if i cnt. Or tell him i need to talk just about me or about sam right now can you just give me this time for alittle while. Im sorry if im not as happy or attentive to your feelings right now but to be honest im doing my hardest just to breath and take care of me . It hasnt even been two months yet since our angels hv been gone and no one understands that . I even mention that to my mom just yesterday and she said oh its only been a month it feels like its been alot longer. But to us it still feels like today right now this second at times. Do what yoy need to do for you right now even if its hard for others to understand they just need to find away like we are finding away. I know sam is with all of the other angels right now . Hed with brooks , cara, trista , jd, isabella and every other angel . They guided him to them in heaven with god and he guided you to us. So stay plz we all need each other. Our journey isnt over you hv more of a road ahead to go threw to get some closure than i do but i dnt belive full closure will ever happen for any of us we just learn to breath agen and move forward untill the day come when god calls us home to be with our babies agen. If you hvnt been told today you are loved you are wanted and you are needed just as you are and sam is standing right by your side knowing your doing your best and helping you hold on. Saying i love you mom and thank you im ok you taught me well i love you you did a good job i love you more than the stars mom and ill send you a sign just look for it. Youll know its me because its something i charrished something we held onto. For my my isabella sends me butterflys.

All my love sending a hugg to you one mom to another wendy

to the rest of my family ,

Sorry i hvnt posted in a couple of days yesterday was rileys birthday wich i tried so hard to make perfect it being the first birthday since loosing isabella faith. Well........ God had other plans it rained very hard and in my town in cali it dosent rain here much even when there is a storm its like my town has a dome and it dosent hit us alot. Well god decided we needed the rain so the bouncer was cancled party moved inside and my poor guy only one friend out of 15 showed my heart broke but we made the best they all recived alot more prizes . Well in total since his friends mom saw how little were there had his brother and sister stay to wich get along great with my other two all their ages match up 9 7 3 and his one cousin so we had 7 kids total . So alot more prizes got around and alot more pokemon cards to .we made the best of it. But i pushed myself to hard not enough self care ( whats that ) and by the time i hit the bed at 8pm i came down with what my jeremiah had the other day. But i wanted to read everyones post and when i saw sams mom on i had to pop in. Wade you and brooks are still on my mind i am so glad you had the strength to look at his phone and he was able to give you once more something beautiful to hold on to . His dwarf cat sounds so adorable he does hv such a kind heart. Thank you all for the love and support my pictures storys and my attempt at a poem it truly is uplifting to know your all here. I love everyones post the poems the storys i will prob get to each of you tomarrow im already feeling some better. Must be a 24 hour thing thank god for that. Im gonna send off for the night wishing you all sweet dreams of your angels , all my love wendy

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Taking it day by day, wishing everyone comfort here today...

*******************************************************

Grrr...I just lost everything I wrote....so...

Thinking of Susan, Gretchen, Lora, Betsy, Wendy, Sherry, Kate, Shannon...I had all these personal messages wrote and away they went...sigh...

Wade, I have a link posted to Dennis Apple's video, he lost his 18 year old son 21 years ago...the video is under Grief Healing...sending prayers and hugs your way..

[Mermaid Tears]

more later.....

if any of my Sisters were in any of that horrific weather...let us know how you are....

Prayers for all today....

Brother friends, also.....

[Mermaid Tears]

I could not get the site up in my usual way....had to go to history to bring up only Loss of Adult child....

[Mermaid Tears]

now it is working like it should...the site....yea !!

[SamDsmom]

Thank you so much for all of your responses. They all touched my heart more than you can imagine. It feels so selfish for me to continue on with this but it's good to know that you all understand. It really isn't an option for me to separate from my husband while we work through our difficulties. We put all our things in storage and rented out our home. So I have no where to go. It was been wonderful up to the point that we lost Sam. I tried to talk to him about this website and maybe doing some research together but he is still so angry about things I said to him last week. I really don't blame him for being hurt and angry but I can't change it. I guess he is giving me a taste of my own medicine. When i all him why he is so hateful he tells me that he is tired of me making everything about me. I feel like my world is caving in around me and there is nothing I can do but watch.

Sam's birthday is Dec. 4. We are going to be back in Kansas on the first to have a family get together to watch the Chiefs/Broncos game. Sam loved football and he loved the Chiefs. I have a great deal of anxiety about being there. I am supposed to go through the rest of his things then. The thought makes me physically ill. But.My time there is limited so I feel I have no choice.

You all seem to have such good outlooks so I do have a little hope that someday I might feel better. I just keep waking up, getting up and trying to do the next right thing. Thank you for listening.

[Jeff's Mom]

Debbie, you are far from selfish in asking to be understood in your grieving. This is really about Sam having died and everyone trying to come to terms with it. You have really suffered a tremendous loss and it is going to take a very long time to come to terms with his absence. The stress placed on both your husband and yourself must feel like a hundred pound backpack. I would imagine that things will slowly fall into place once a bit of time has passed....and remember that it has not been long since Sam died. Please continue to post and never feel you are being selfish. Opening up and talking about your true feelings around your loss is what is going to help you through it. Talk to you soon. Laurie, yes it warmed my heart to see my husband in such a good mood on Saturday. Probably at another time we would not have seen the humour in that Elvis look alike. I have seen many impersonators over the years but this was by far the best as far as the hair. It was so big that it could have had a postal code of its own! I'm gathering that while he was still wearing his street clothes that he was about to change for the parade. If not? Yikes! It is sunny today with a deep blue sky. Just lovely. We are off to the hospital on Wednesday for a CT scan and so I ask for prayers. Thanks. Wishing everyone a better day today and thinking of you all. Kate

[Guest]

.

[SamDsmom]

I just miss him so much. I never shared any problems with him, but if I was down or having a bad day, I could always call and talk to him about what ever was going on in his life and he always made me smile. He was awesome.

[Mermaid Tears]

Hello to all....I think everytime I sat down to post...the phone would ring...or GRANDkids came through the front door...then other company.....and GRANDson, Austin, came for a Sunday visit from Austin....

Dee....thank you...I talked over your ideas with Randa....we all need that 'food for thought' coming from another direction...another 'heart' that knows...

Lora...so in step with you....no high or quick steps in this foreign land...

Kate...so..so happy that you and your Best Boyfriend had such a good 'date'...and that laughter finally rose to the top....after what ya'll have been through...it just makes our hearts 'smile' through and through....you talked of snow....it was 82 on my patio yesterday....

Laurie..will watch that video when time permits...you have become our 'spiritual teacher' in this grief class...

Shannon....hope you and your boys are ok...no damage ?

Wade....you spin those words from your pain....into messages for our hurting hearts, too...thank you...and take the advice....his belongings will be there....and what we have learned...we really have to do it on our time...our way....

This grief is mine.

those that are new on this grief journey.....time is on your side.....time is a teacher.....and time is the healer.....there are simply no quick fixes or magic pills. This ain't no country club.

[Guest]

,

[tobyfreefoot]

this is my friend lynn and her son josh. she just got in last night from cleaning out his apartment and having her son cremated in kansas city. i am going to see her wednesday. i believe there will be a memorial here on sunday. he was the sweetest, most emotional, wild kid from day one. we would rock him in the football hold and pass him around between lynn, her husband, her brother (whom i dated for years) and i trying to calm him down. he was so furry all over with that red hair!

josh was diagnosed with diabetes at 11. had a rocky adolescence and uncontrolled blood sugar, he moved to kansas city to be with his dad and brother. a few weeks later his dad came back to oklahoma to get sober. he was killed by a drunk driver on the way home from an AA meeting.

josh remained with his brother in kansas city to pursue singing in a punk band. he was quite successful, had many friends that loved him fiercely as he was one of those kind, loving people you rarely find.

his girlfriend, blair had a chronic pain issue and last year josh woke up next to her. she was dead. apparently cumulative damage from long term pain killer use.

josh, like his father had problems with alcohol and then starting taking heroin. lynn and his uncle got him in rehab and he was doing well. he was found dead in his apartment last week from an apparent accidental heroin overdose.

"dance, dance, rock and roll smartypants"--josh betterton age 2.

your personality came blasting through from the very beginning. through my tears i screamed to forest to watch for you and you to look for him so you can race together through the cosmos. i love you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Gosh Gretchen, so tough. My heart goes out to Lynn and also to you. Poor kid. Lora, I can't believe that Black Friday shopping is already around the corner. Where did the month go? Susan, glad to see that you have had some company and a diversion from your heartache. Debbie, same thing here. I could talk to Jeff about anything. I miss him more then words can say. The house just seems so empty now. He filled it with laughter and so many other things. I could always depend on my boy to keep me on my toes. Quite the kidder. Shannon, hope all is well in your neck of the woods. Finding myself pushing down that feeling of heartache once again. Has to be the approaching holidays. This is hard work. One day good and another not so great. Oh my, I will never understand the reason for any of this. The day turned out to be quite nice. We must have had at least ten inches of snow yesterday and it drifted across the yard in a lovely design. When it came boy it came with a real blast. Today you wouldn't know anything had happened apart from the snow. It is so still today. Not a branch moving. Thinking of the bad weather in the Midwest. Prayers for those killed and their families. Hope all is now calm.

[Guest]

..

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Hi everyone,

The boys and I made it through the storms. By the time they reached up they had lost some momentum although they were still moving very fast. The sirens went off and I was nervous for a while but they passed quickly without much damage. I know many others were not so lucky. Dee, it sounds like it was much worse your way. Sending prayers to those who have been effected.

Gretchen,

It was good to see your post but so sad that yet another beautiful Kid has left the world. He just looks like such a free spirit. I know that Forest was there waiting for him. I'm so sorry for you, your friend, and the rest of his friends and family.

Thanks for asking about me, Susan. I'm glad you had a day full of family yesterday.

I'm just really tired today. The storms had my anxiety in high gear last night so sleep was difficult. Aiden also did not sleep well. I'm sure he was feeling some of my anxiety. We took it easy today, lots of snuggle time, reading books. Since Aiden was tired too he was pretty mellow today so it worked out for both of us.

Lora,

The way you describe your relationship with Cara is much like my relationship with Tris. She absolutely was my best friend. Trista was born when I was 19 years old. She's been my life partner more than anyone else. We've just always been together. I miss her so much every day. I think it's really amazing that you are working so much over the holiday to allow others to be at home. I do hope you have time for yourself to rest too.

Debbie,

You are definitely not selfish. I hope you and your husband will find ways to communicate. Some of the same things you are saying are very familiar. When I said we had separated, it was because we had a lot of other issues. It sounds like things with you were good before so I think it will just take time and patience with each other. One thing that really did help my husband was to talk with others who had lost Children. We were only able to go to one Compassionate Friends meeting together because of our schedules but that one made a lot of difference. Also we saw a therapist together for little while. She told him in no uncertain terms that I do need to be all about me for as long as it takes. I think hearing it from a professional helped. I just want to share some things that helped us but you will know what's right for you. Your Sam sounds like such an awesome Kid. I know this is so hard and everything hurts so much right now. Keep coming and sharing with us when you can.

Kate,

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm glad the weather is calm for you now. I'm sorry you're having a down day. We just never know, do we, from one day to the next. Thinking of you and Ross today.

Laurie,

I'll watch the video too as soon as I can. I always learn something when you share what you find. Thank you. I agree... day by day is more than enough to try to tackle right now. I'm sorry you lost your post. It's really irritating when that happens.

Wade,

I want to thank you for all your kind words and the support you offer. You are a blessing to have as part of this family. Brooks is definitely smiling down at his Dad.

Wendy,

I'm glad your little mans birthday turned out good. I hope you get some rest and get feeling better soon.

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I'm really struggling right now with guilt. I know that's part of this and something many go through but it's so hard. I'm crying as I type this. I know my Tris does not blame me in any way. She wouldn't based on the person that she was here and with what I believe to be her place now, I know she is beyond anything like that. I know she knows how much I love her. I just can't let go of the blame I carry for myself yet. It's hitting me really hard right now.

Thinking of everyone today.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Gretchen, sorry for the loss of your friend's son, Josh...what a wonderful mop of red hair he had...I am sorry that he got sucked into the drugs...so many people become lost that way...it must bring up many feelings for you with your own boy, Forest...sending prayers your way...

Kate, the days of counting down before the anniversary date...my body knows these dates even though I may not be looking at the calendar...maybe plan on some extra rest and vitamins...but I know it just plain hurts...and you miss your son Jeff and his beautiful smile...sending HUGS your way...

Susan, have you thought about burning a memorial candle for John David...my mom will often burn a candle for Jesse, (she uses the small tea lights) and has a small meditation time...

Lora, went to the cemetary this morning for Jesse...know you visit Cara often...Christina works at Walmart too but got forced into those same hours on Thanksgiving and Black Friday...she was hoping to be with us...but I understand you wanting to work to keep on going...I did not realize you had an older son until you mentioned him, how does he do with everything?

Shannon, glad to hear you and the boys are okay from the storms...it was even bad down in Milwaukee where my mom lives...she was mentioning to me the terrible storms in Illinois...so hard for those communities and all the families there...

Dee, hope that everything is okay with you...thinking of you especially being near the storms...please let us know...

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, good to hear from you... and oh so pleased that you are safe. I'm holding you close and can completely relate to those down days. Lora, I absolutely love your idea of the video for family. Dee, hope you are ok and that nobody was affected in your area. How are the kids? Colleen, have you had any snow yet? It will make for a real festive look to your home when you celebrate that first Thanksgiving that you are hosting since Brians death. Wade, thinking of you today... and I certainly hope that you will indeed consider dealing with Brooks things when you are ready. Absolutely no hurry whatsoever. Susan, how nice that you had that visit. I bet it helped to brighten you day. And my goodness...send some of that warm weather my way. Carol, what are you doing for the holiday? I imagine spent with the kids. And Gretchen...again, I am so very sorry about your friend. Thinking of everyone.

[MissingB]

Debbie - I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son. It seems to me that that in itself is so much to deal with intellectually, physically and emotionally and then you have more heaped on top. It's not fair, as is nothing in this process. You are NOT being overly selfish - you are a bereaved parent and it has not been very long at all! Something I found helpful for me was to journal. No one judged me or told me what I was feeling or saying was wrong or hurtful to them. It was a solace to have a place to bare my soul and not feel like I needed to cover anything up.

Dee, Shannon, Becky, Kate, Wade, Susan, Laurie, All - You are amazing people.

I felt like I was doing ok for a few months and then October hit and now I'm just trying to make it through the days until January comes and I have the dates and holidays behind me.

I can't believe that a year has almost gone by. How have I made it through? How is it that I can look in the mirror and see a "normal" person looking back? What happens when we cross the first year anniversary? It will be the start of year 2 and he will still be gone, there will be no new memories made with him as part of them and I will still just be putting one foot in front of the other.

Perhaps it doesn't sound like it but I am a resilient person and I know I will do things eventually in Bryce's honor and it will feel good. Right now the things I do in his honor are because it is right and he would be pleased, but I have to say it usually just brings sadness and not feelings of happiness at this point. I honestly do have hope of fitting into my new skin one day and I am so thankful to those here and TCF who are showing me that I can get there. I've always been a fixer and problem solver which makes this unfixable situation even harder for me. I have learned to give myself time and allow myself my "down" days and that all of this takes time.

My heart goes out to all of you,

Jill

[ericasmom]

We are all safe here, it is further south that the folks have lost so very much. Goodness knows that many have lost their homes, their photos and all else in a few minutes time yesterday. It is going to take so much willpower and human heart to rebuild these towns and in the mean time, where will the folks live? Prayers. Some photos have shown up 100 miles away from the storms. Amazing.

Jill, you are doing exactly what you can to honor Sweet Bryce, and yes, he would be, he is pleased. Yes, that second year tugs on us differently for exactly those reasons you stated. A year of not having made any new memories with Him, and now a new one, and another set of holidays? Yikes it becomes relentless at times, but at other times, we see that day follows day and winter follows autumn and in that there is some peace, oh and a ton of sadness yes, but for me some peace, that the turn of seasons and days of the week are still in order when so little is those first few years. Hang on Jill, we have you covered.

Debbie, listen to what everyone is saying, it is not selfish to mourn. It just isn't, and I would guess you would tell a friend the same.

Gretchen, thanks so much for sharing your sweet friend's Child. Like one of your own that Boy. Sweet Boy, has gone through so much himself but still found it in his heart to laugh and sing, and now he sings with our Angels. Imagine that band?

Love to you all,

[Mermaid Tears]

Jill, you are doing exactly what you can to honor Sweet Bryce, and yes, he would be, he is pleased. Yes, that second year tugs on us differently for exactly those reasons you stated. A year of not having made any new memories with Him, and now a new one, and another set of holidays? Yikes it becomes relentless at times, but at other times, we see that day follows day and winter follows autumn and in that there is some peace, oh and a ton of sadness yes, but for me some peace, that the turn of seasons and days of the week are still in order when so little is those first few years. Hang on Jill, we have you covered.

I so remember Dee....when I first came on the site....there was some trouble..and I could not get on the site....so she contacted me...or I her...?? and she said...simply....hang on to me....I will not let you go....

and so it is....hang on Jill, we have you covered...

and with me....I get a panic...when I don't hear from Dee....

no one was holding on to me ...here..in my home...or my place...

but there was Dee...from somewhere I don't know where she lives....but she was holding on to me...in this dark...deep...death.......oh and a ton of sadness yes, but for me some peace, that the turn of seasons and days of the week are still in order when so little is those first few years.

I simply have to copy that....it speaks to so many, Dee...we shall have to copy that....for there will be so many 'new' ones that come and need to hear you...