Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

That is very close to what I believe too.

I always made it a point to apologize to my kids if I did something not quite right. I wanted them to know that Parents are human too and we make mistakes. I can't say I was the perfect Mom... very far from it but I love my Children with my whole heart and I know they know that... always have and always will.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

thank you,Dee...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sweet dreams of our Angels to all.

Shannon

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Becky,

Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm struggling right now with all those would of, should of, could ofs. I know it's part of this. I also know that our Children know how much we love them and that everything we ever did was because of love. This is so hard.

I had an meeting with the Prosecutor today and I'm so tired. The other girl who was involved in the accident that took Trista's life has started an online petition for a traffic light to be installed. So far she has close to 200 signatures. Many of them local people who drive that intersection every day. I don't know how much good a petition will do but it's a start and if nothing else will maybe allow her to feel some support that will help in her healing.

http://www.ipetition...ell-and-clifton

Thinking of all tonight.

Shannon

Shannon, I signed the petition. I think that is a great idea, and hopefully it will draw attention to the situation and honor your daughter. I am glad your daughter's friend is involved in trying to create change there at that intersection. I pray that change will come, and that it will bring some peace for all involved. The only thing the driver that killed my son promotes, is her own innocence, and a total disregard for us or for Jared. Daily I have to pray to keep hate in check, and wait for the vengeance that belongs to God.

Dee, I agree with you completely. I can't tell you how many times I have had to listen to people try to tell me that it was 'all a part of God's plan'. What kind of God would plan for our children to die? God may know the number of their days the minute they are born, but He doesn't plan for them to die. I do believe that God provides a place for us when we leave this earth, and that we will be together again with those that have gone on before.

I know I did my job as a parent, in fact I have often wondered, since we did dedicate so much of our time to our children, and other people's children in the process of coaching year round, why is it that parents that pay no attention to their children, that are more interested in their own lives and habits, why are they spared this heartache?

I do have a lot of questions when I reach heaven.

[Mermaid Tears]

We all ask the big 'WHY' my child....

for we all can point a finger on so many evil ones....

I remember sitting around the table with my Grama and her friends...they were having their '3 o'clock' cup of coffee....and one asks...'Essie, what will be the first question you ask God when you go to heaven'?

She said...'Why do the mean ones live so long'....???

I guess that question has been asked since the beginning of time...

[Guest]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, "I do not believe our kids died because God wanted them, but instead, God has a place for All, no matter when they leave and so our Kids found that place, and we will meet them when we are supposed to in that same place."

I have read too many times from people who mean well but attempt to make your tragedy some part of God's plan, I know it is written that death was never attended for us but obviously is a reality of human existence...this is the very area that my husband is struggling with so hard... I can see it affecting his health...he said he prayed diligently for the safety of our kids...and the worst happened again...

Becky, I struggle too with those intense feelings toward the girl who stole my son's life...and I am so angry at law enforcement for their continued resistance to find the truth...I know you walk my path too...I am so disturbed by this within my own soul...and by the fact lies about the accident were published...

Shannon, praying for your situation there....it is so draining when you have those types of meetings...

Susan, I am right there with Gramma Essie...

Wanda, thinking of you today...know you are struggling....

***************************************************************

Yesterday my neighbor, who his kids grew up with mine,stopped by and gave me a brochure from his church on Life after Death...I know he did it because they were thinking about Jesse and wanted to comfort me with this thought...I was very touched since I have been struggling with does anyone remember...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lora, you would probably like the Book of Wisdom, part of Jewish writings authored 50 years before Jesus birth...I never read it before now...it talks of early death...

http://ebible.org/kjv/Wisdom.htm

Thanks for sharing the story...reminding us of God's love for our children....

[Mermaid Tears]

another story to share....

One time someone asked Essie if she had ever seen a miracle....

she said 'yes...when someone invented/discovered penicillin...sulfer drugs and aspirin...and then babies and children didn't die from fevers and sore throats'....

all one has to do is walk through an old cemetery....and see the children's graves...you can even find 3 or more children in one family....I remember seeing that and wondering how any Mother could bear that...

there was a time that death was a hand in glove part of daily life....it doesn't mean that it meant any less in those days...for we know now how those parents grieved....but it was more common to know families that had suffered the loss of a child or more...

Now....we don't think twice if our child has a fever....we have a medicine for it....we have been blessed...by the 'miracles'....

I do not believe that God 'took' my boy....but He was there to take him when he was beyond any help here in this earth home...

[SamDsmom]

I believe that God loves us so much and is sad for us that our children have died. My Sam had been to a local bluegrass festival with his friends. They tell me he had some beer but was not stumbling drunk by any means. He decided to walk home at about 4 am. He had to cross the railroad tracks to make the 8 block trip to his house. We will probably never know why he wss laying on the tracks. He was such a happy soul, the police have ruled out sucide but will never know for sure if it was foul play because it could not be determined by the autopsy. We are now waiting for the toxicology report. We do know that he was probably gone or at least unconsious because the black box from the train shows thst he did not move when they blew the whistle and slammed on the brakes. The train was empty and only going 25mph so they could have stopped in time if they had not made the decision to go ahead and run over what they thought was a big red BAG OF TRASH on the tracks. That is what infuriates me. I have si many morbid pictures in my head about this statement, that and my mother's voice telling me, "there has been a horrible accident....." The thing that keeps me upright and breathing is knowing and believing that Jesus is holding my son and I will see him again. Yesterday was the 2 month anniversary and his birthday is in 13 days. I have to hold on to my faith. I'm not sure why I don't seem to get any physical comfort from it. There is no relief. I talked to my ex-husband last night, Sam's father. He's not doing well at all either. I tried to encourage him to find a support group. My husband and I are getting along a little better. I have made a commitment to being nicer and he just ignores my tearful outbursts. It drives me crazy when I start crying and he asks me what is wrong. I will be home next weekend to go through what is left of his things. I don't want to finalize it. I don't want to say goodbye.

[Akrogman]

I have posted a forum and many people have suggested I come to this one to talk. This is only my second time on the website so I am really still learning how to use it. Starting to figure it out a bit though!

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....what a beautiful story....the way we share on this site always gives me another way of 'seeing'...and another 'hand up' on this grief journey...

I had a friend call me and she was so upset...her grandson's wife was going to have to work on Thanksgiving afternoon....and so they would not be able to come to her house for dinner....they have not been married that long...so she asked if just her grandson could come....and he said..'no..he was going to stay with his wife'....

well...she went through the roof with her son, daughter-in-law, and grandson.....she made quite a scene...(I know her well...and this is not the first 'scene' she has caused)....and she was calling me telling me how 'they had all turned on her'....and now....no one is coming. I do not blame them...her son has called me many times in anguish for the 'fits' she has thrown. I listen to her for she really has no one else....

Lora...I read your schedule....wow....you will have a 'marathon-workathon'.....you are so very considerate and kind to want to work so others can be home with family....my daughter always works on Thanksgiving..(she is a nurse)...but gets off at 2.....I can hold dinner til then....she says she does that cause she is blessed that I always host it at my house...and we live in the same town...and others have far to drive to be with family. I do hope you will have time to get some rest...do you work the whole week-end, too ? Laurie said her daughter was working on Thanksgiving also.....for me.....if they were giving stuff away free....I would not go shopping on Thanksgiving and I do not shop on Sunday...(that is something I inherited from Essie...she did not believe in doing anything that would make another person work on Sunday)....but...then again....I detest shopping...really.

[Mermaid Tears]

[Mommysangelisabella]

Akroman ,

Sorry if i miss spelled it. Im so glad you posted and your here but i am so very sorry for the reason. I to am still learning how to post. This is my first experience as well. So no worries everyone here is beyond understanding if if you let us will be the strenght you need at times. These people are for me.some days i post others i just read . So when your ready tell us all you need to. Im praying for you.

Everyone,

Sorry its short but i hv errans today. Wish me luck ! I went off on a lady at mc donalds.last night. Why she didnt make my sons burger right so i sent it back and they gave me back the same one. Not one made like it the same one. I look at it now and tjink wow not my finest moment. But i think you all understand.lol my love to all and prayers threw the day ill try and post tonight

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Akrogman, I am sorry for the loss of your child, this is a good place with many compassionate parents...we are all learning together how to walk this path...

Susan, yes Christina has to work late Thanksgiving day and starting early Black Friday...it messed up the plans we had for Thanksgiving but we will do the best we can...

Yes, medicines such as pennicillan were such a miracle...my mom had once lived on a farm where the entire family had been wiped out due to some epidemic and their graves were in the corner field....parents and several children...

Going to look at the poems that were posted...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Akgroman,

You have found a good place to share with people who understand the loss of a Child. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please share more with us as you're able.

Lora,

That story is very beautiful. Thanks for sharing it. I have had similar thoughts about how Trista would feel about seeing me "beat myself up". That does help pull me out of it sometimes because I know none of our Children would ever want that for us. We suffer enough with this loss.

Sam's Mom,

My knowledge that Trista is in her new and perfect home is something I cling to too but I agree, nothing can take away this physical pain. We have been amputated, suddenly, without warning and without anything to dull the pain. My husband, in the beginning would ask why I was crying at times. I think what he was wondering is if there was a specific thing that triggered it but didn't really know how to talk to me. It takes time. He's much better now about giving me my space when I need it. He always wanted to "fix" everything and it was a hard lesson for him to learn that he cannot "fix" this or me unless he can somehow give me my Child back. I'm glad to hear that things are getting better between you. You are both in uncharted territory without a map. This is such a hard thing. I know how hard it is to learn all these details surrounding the loss of your child. Take care of yourself and share with us. I'm holding you and Sam in my thoughts.

Susan,

I always love your Gramma Essie stories... So much wisdom. Thank you for sharing her with us. I'm not a shopper either. I have never shopped on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, or any other holiday. I have cashed in on some Cyber Monday deals. I'm more of an online shopper. Crowds are not my thing.

Dee,

So nice that you had Erica Elizabeth with you last night. I also do not believe that our Children were "taken" by God. They were definitely received into their new home with Love but I do not believe it was a Divine plan to take our Children away.

Becky,

Thank you for signing the petition. I was feeling pretty deflated and defeated last night. I was just so tired. I've had some rest and am ready to pick back up today. I still get so angry when I think of that woman and what she has put your family through. She will answer for this someday. I think the same of the truck driver who hit my Daughter. He said he saw Trista's face before he hit them. He knew he had just hit two young girls. He then took off his seat belt and called his boss. He never left his truck. I too have to keep my hate in check.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

And I have done the same thing....

I can be in so much pain...grief is such a physical emotion...down on my knees...and sobbing and sobbing....and then....I know my SONshine boy would never want to give me such hurt...

and I have to 'say/pray'...'it's ok John David...it's ok....I know you wouldn't have left me unless you had to'...

for some reason...somewhere so deep in me....I know I have to let my boy know that his Mama is going to be 'ok'....

it is the strangest kind of knowing....

so glad so many on this site has felt the same thing from their child....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....babysitting GRANDchildren is like getting Christmas....

"I thought I was too old to fall in love again....and then I became a Nonnie"

Kate....thinking of you...

Wade...sending prayers your way....

Angela....hang on with both hands...

Sams Mom....we are here for you....there is something I want you to know that is rather common place....

When there is a problem...

A man wants to 'fix' it...

A woman wants to 'heal' it....

both have good intentions....

Remember to be very, very good and kind to 'YOURSELF'....really...there may not be anyone in your circle that is going to care for you like you can care for yourself....you will find what you need....and you will have the strength when you are called upon ....and we are here to hear anything you may want to share.

[SamDsmom]

Akgroman,

I only started posting on this site on Sunday and I can tell you that it has been a relief to know that there are others who understamd how I feel. I cant expect anyone else to understand unless they are going through it also. Most of the time I feel like I'm on a giant spinning carousel screaming at everyone to make it stop but they all just look at me like i'm crazy. It has been comforting to read the other stories and get feedback. I don't know everyone yet but I do appreciate them all.

Debbie

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Everyone...I have been reading today and catching up on posts from yesterday. Definitely thinking of you all! Susan, when you mentioned your Grams 3:00 p.m. coffee I thought ...Heck that sounds good. Guess I'll go make some and sit and read the posts. Well, you know me...I poured the coffee and did a double take...I had forgotten to add the coffee to the filter. Yikes! Anyway, moving right along...I absolutely loved that post that Lora sent. It was just what we needed to hear today. I enjoy reading everything that everyone has to say and share about their day. Both good and sad. Yesterday was a busy day. We spent the afternoon at the hospital for Ross's CT scan. it was really busy and the usual distractions helped to pass the time as I waited for him. We'll probably have the results by tomorrow. It sounds as if everyone is busy in one way or another with the upcoming Thanksgiving down there. I truly do hope that each one of you will have a special day and be able to take the time to give "thanks" for the gift of your beautiful child in your life. That your hurt will be cushioned by warm and loving memories that surround you. Shannon, I was unable to sign your petition as I am not on facebook or twitter. Sorry. Same for Becky. Susan, my bet is John David will be very much a part of your day next week. He will definitely be with his loving mom in spirit. Sending love and hoping your evening will bring you peace. Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I just got in from spending the afternoon outside with Aiden. It's not a very pretty day, lots of grey, but it's fairly warm so I got Aiden out to play. His sweetness helps my heart. I was pushing him on the swing and he said, "Push me really super high! I wanna pretend I'm going to heaven in my rocket swing to see Sissy!" Love him. Swinging was Trista's thing. She never outgrew swinging. As she got older it was swinging with her ipod and cell phone but still always swinging. I hope everyone is having a good afternoon.

Kate, I think that afternoon cup of coffee sounds great about now.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Just wanted to share some pictures of Trista and Aiden

Trista and Aiden swinging

Trista swinging with her cousins

(she could even swing in spike heels)

Trista at the park, this pic is very Trista, swinging, talking on her phone, and wearing her Fall Out Boy t-shirt

Aiden swinging today

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Jesse with Teko and Lily (poodle) ...they passed away 10 months before him...

Shannon, your pictures are lovely...thanks for sharing..Aiden looks so cute...

Kate, enjoyed your coffee story...have done some of that kind of stuff myself...

Thinking of Barbara, how are you doing???

Dee, I was glad to hear of your nice evening with Erica Elizabeth...your back must be better?

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you, Susan... very nice. Shannon, love the pics of the kids. Aidan is so cute and what a great smile!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

Thanks for sharing the picture of Jesse with his beloved pets. He looks so happy. I love to see the pictures of our kids just being themselves and looking so happy. I hope you and your husband are doing okay tonight.

Wade,

How are you and Renae? Shawna and the kids?

I hope everyone is having a good evening. Aiden and I decided to make cookie pies this evening. The hardest part was keeping him from eating all the batter and sprinkles before I could get them baked. His face was covered in chocolate and sprinkles and a big smile. Zak didn't want to help with baking but he sure helped eat.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Lora, that story is lovely, thanks for posting it. I love it. Finding the balance of heaven and earth.

Newbie, I am sorry that you need a place such as this, but there really is no better place to go when one finds their hearts trampled like ours all have been. We are a diverse group, some of us more than 10 years on this road while others are brand new. We all walk alongside one antoher and just give voice to what lies in our hearts, whether it is the pain, the fear, the worry, the faith, the lack, the holidays, the lonely, the first laugh after the loss, no matter the subject, we all get it. Come and tell us about who it is you mourn.

Love the photos and the comments today, just have to go for now but loving you all as you know.

Yep Susan, grandkids are so amazingly wonderful, holy cow!

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh....and Oh.....

those photos.....

of your unique child....

In an ordinary day....a place in time....right there...etched on the screen for me....

etched in your heart....

for I know...you don't really need to see a photo...

to remember...

I want to use the word...precious....for they are...

but I reach for another word....

I think it is priceless...

and then I search for another word...

when I see your child...

My heart breaks with you..

the word is ...Heartbroken...

[shorty16]

Shannon,

I wanted to comment on your post concerning your husband asking what is wrong when you are crying and now giving you your space.

My husband said the same thing to me in The beginning. My response was "Why do you think I am crying?" I was actually quite upset that he would even ask me why after our 16 year old son just died. Now I think, like you stated, he thought something specific triggered it. But what he soon learned is that crying became a common occurrence and I needed time to release my pain.

Sounds like we both have great support systems in our husbands. I do know that is not always the case and I am thankful for what I have

Love to all my friends on this site. A place none of us want to be, but we find comfort in how others deal with the loss of their child.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Loved the pictures shared today! Laurie's handsome son, Jesse, and Shannon's beautiful daughter and son, Trista and Aiden. Thanks for sharing them!! Lovely smiles, all.

Welcome to the new one posting here for the first time today, Akgroman, so sorry for your loss, but happy you found yourself here, among parents who have lost children of all ages. You can speak freely, post pictures, whatever you feel, and we will be here to listen, to care, and mostly to understand.

Laurie, Shannon, whenever I feel that seed of hate grow inside of me, for the senseless way my boy was killed, and for the horrid way we have been treated, I try to find someway to put myself back on track. Today I googled "bible, forgiveness, murder", and the answers had me talking to my computer screen, and it wasn't prayers I was saying, but the gist of what I read seemed to be that I had to leave it to God, as it was HIS job, not mine. There are days I feel like I will go crazy, and want nothing more than to turn on the news and hear that she is dead, some horrible accident.... and I feel that not only is it unfair that I should ever have to entertain those types of thoughts, but just so unfair altogether. I would have forgiven, if anyone had bothered to apologize, I would have listened, if anyone had offered an explanation. Why, why, and WHY??

I did have one thing happen today, which brought me some joy! The man from the electric company came today as I was leaving to go to my parent's house, to measure and figure out the plan to put in the pole light, 30 foot pole with 256w Led light, that I recently contracted with them to do. I want to put it on the corner of our property, facing the intersection of our road, with the road that leads into town, as that is really hard to see at night time. It will be just a few feet from our 4 foot SLOW DOWN sign, and we will have them direct the light towards that intersection. I have written letters for all my neighbors to encourage them to do the same, and I will deliver them once our pole light has been installed. That way they can see the one that we have, and my neighbor across the street also has one that is a lower wattage, so they can compare to see which they would be willing to do, or can afford. The 60 watt one is $7 per month, and the one I ordered is a higher wattage, and costs $14, as I would really like to light that area well, where it is right by the intersection. I really hope to convince at least every second or third home to get them for the front of their properties along our road, as that would really light up our street. Too late to help my son, but hopefully will help someone in the future, whether it be to deter crime, or allow someone to better see to turn in their driveway on a dark or rainy night. To me, It will shine a light to heaven, and my son will be looking down and smiling.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

I think that precious, priceless and heartbreaking are all ‘right’ words.

Many times I want to do nothing because everything hurts but then I can’t do nothing because my Boys deserve everything. Swinging with Aiden… how can I say we can’t do that because the sight of Sissy’s empty swing rips Mommy’s heart open? So, we swing and Aiden talks of “a rocket swing to heaven to see Sissy” and laughs and shouts… higher, Mommy, higher… this is so awesome! And I smile for him and my heart melts and breaks all at once. So, even when I find joy, and it’s impossible not to find joy in my Boys because I love them so much, I still find so much pain. And I wonder if forever the joy will bring the pain. Then at least, I can bring my memories here and share pictures of my Swinging Girl with friends who know how precious, priceless and heartbreaking these memories are. Thank you all for being here in this place where we can come to ‘talk’, breakdown, hold each up, and share our precious Children.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

I think that we are all....on the same path....

we are on the same grief journey....

some are ahead of us....and they can wave to us...

some are behind us....and we wave to them...

and for all of us....yes...we can share...

sometimes it is complicated...sometimes it is simple...

we try to see through a veil...a fog...we seek...we search...

I am just so blessed...to have those on my journey...

for it can get very lonely without those that know the map I am trying to navigate.

What I don't know....others do...

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....you are doing 'good'....you are broken...but you are thinking right...and yes..your heart is broken..but it is in the right place....

[Sholl1955]

Stopping by to wish everyone a peaceful and restful night. I read every evening and my thoughts and prayers are with everyone. Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

and Sandy....we think of you...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Susan.

Sandy,

I'm wishing you a peaceful evening too. I hope you're doing ok.

Becky,

I think the idea of installing the lights on your road is great! I hope other neighbors get on board too. Jared is definitely smiling at all you do.

Colleen,

Thanks for your comment. Yes, I remember the first time my husband asked why I was crying. My answer was 'not nice'. He is trying, I can honestly say, really trying but there have been times in these first months... I just didn't know. I can look at things differently as time goes on and see his struggles a little more too. In those first days, weeks, months, it was and still is sometimes hard to see beyond my own pain but I try. Now, he knows any conversation can and probably will lead to tears and it just must come and go on it's own.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

Lots of reading to do tonight, lots of wonderful words and posts, sorry to see new people joining.

Debbie, thinking of you tonight as you travel this journey.

This is a good place, many kind words i have read here, and pictures of our kids.

Laurie, your Jesse is so sweet looking,

Shannon, i love the pictures of your girl, she is beautiful, and your Aiden.

Becky, i so love the new picture of Jared.

Wade, how are you? thinking of you tonight.

I had a grief group meeting tonight, always very drained after, makes my heart ache for my Lane.

Missing you so much tonight, as I do every night since you left this earth.

Love you to the moon and back my sweet Lane.

[wgreenlee]

I apologize for not being here this week to support all of you, especially those of you new to our fold. I don't know why, but this has been the worst week of my life...worse than after Brooks was taken from me. Everything about him stays in my head every day, and it's all I can do to just make it to work. I don't know why it's getting harder. I just can't imagine not having him here with me. The other day I started to call him. It was so real thinking he would answer. Maybe it's because I looked at his phone and saw the timeline. 5 minutes...that was how long he was there...5 lousy minutes. And that was that. I've been reading all the posts, but just get so emotional thinking of our situation I guess I turn off. I'm going to work at being happy this weekend. Made a little slideshow last night that I'd like to share. Basically done with "our" slideshow so I will post this weekend. Hope it's ok...gonna add a few more new pictures.

Teacher friend who just lost her father gave Renea and I a book called, "Tear Soup." Wonderful book, but I'm so tired of crying. If you know the book, I just need a "Midge" right now. Oh, well...gotta get it together.

Thinking of all of you...your hurts and losses, but also your victories. Thank you God for those. Have been on my knees praying for all of you. Please God, answer my prayers...please.

Love you all...Wade

[SamDsmom]

I am laying here, should be sleeping but most of the time I wake up, unable to catch my breath. My thoughts are always of my son. This tine 24 years ago I was waiting in anticipation of his birth. He was number 4, the only boy. Having only sisters I didn't know much about boys, but from the moment I laid my eyes on him I knew he was special. He was so good. I can only remember being angry with him 3 times. He was always respectful never really rebelled. His teachers loved him. He was outgoing always did what he said he was doing. Boy scouts, football, baseball, camping with the guys when he got older, fishing with his grandpa. Everyone loved him. One of his friends mothers told me at his funeral that her son had driven Sam and some other boys to a football game in Kansas City a few years ago. The weather got bad during the day, snow and ice. She said that she and another mother kept calling the boys to make sure they were alright. The boys were irritated with them because they kept calling. She said when her son got home he told her that Sam called his mom on the way home and talked to her about the game. I remember that day. We shared a love of football. He told me all about the game. He stayed on the phone because he knew I would be worried about them making the trip in the storm. I miss him. I have his ashes here with me on the truck. I don't know if it is a good thing or bad that I chose not to see his body and say goodbye. It was advised that I not. Still waiting on the police to close the investigation.

Shannon,

Your daughter was so beautiful. I know it's only been a little longer for you than me. I signed your petition today. Thank you for all your kind words.

I so appriciate everything everyone has said. It gives me hope that maybe it will at least get different.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Wade, Debbie, You both are still so new to this journey, and the shock of it, the numbness, like a blanket that wraps itself around us in those first few months, is now being pulled back, and the pain feels unrelenting and raw. No one can say how long that phase of remembering the absolute horror of how our children died will last. Those circumstances do put you in another category on this journey. Just know that you are not alone, that many of us here have been there, and know and understand what you are going through. There will be ups and downs, just as you think you are beginning to walk upright again, it will come and knock you down.

Not to say that the death of a child isn't felt as strongly no matter what it is that takes them away from us, but I think that senseless death, particularly at the hands of another, does add another layer, one that causes us amplified anger and pain to our very core. To have to witness the mutilation of their bodies, and worry if they felt any pain, images I don't think I will ever erase from my mind. They were our perfect children, and we think of how they came into the world, so perfect and beautiful, and that someone, or some force of evil, hurt them, killed them. It is just so hard.

For the longest time, I woke everyday with some thought of the crash playing through my mind, whether it would be looking at the clock and the time being a reminder, a trigger, or just realizing upon waking that my child wasn't here. I spent the better part of two years being totally engrossed in delving into every aspect of the circumstances surrounding the investigation of my child's death, as police handled or mishandled it so badly. Looking at blood spatter on the pictures of her car, pictures of evidence left on the roadway, pictures of his injuries, autopsy photos, xrays, reports from the hospital and fire department, recorded interviews, 911 calls, etc, which I just had to steel myself to get through, as I felt my son would expect that from me. Resistance at every turn. Small town, small minds, and fear of a family's 'name' that was associated with big lawsuits and murder, were the things that hindered a proper investigation. Added to that, lack of laws that would have brought a different outcome as far as justice.

Even though I am now in the third year without my child, I don't feel as I am an example of where you should be at that time frame, as the ability to grieve and remember the good times with my son, were so weighed down by the burden of bringing forth the truth, the desire for justice, and even during that, trying to do something positive to honor him. As I have said before, I am hoping that I will reach the point where I only think of and speak of his life, and not just how he died. It's an ongoing process.

Wade, thank you for sharing the video, it was just precious. What a beautiful smile Brooks has. There is so much physical beauty represented in our angels, and so much more than that, as their hearts were kind and they were a light in this world. I can only think that they are together, and will light our paths until we join them again. I think Dee said, it was but a thin veil that separates us from them, that they are always with us. I pray for all of us to somehow find some measure of peace in that knowledge, and that God will help us to find our way.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

What Becky said about the fog of shock is so true. As time goes on, layers are slowly and painfully stripped away. I think the mind protects itself from taking on too much at once. It's been almost 6 months for me and it seems like every couple of months I move into a little different place as more layers of shock are removed. It's all really new to me so I don't have a lot of experience just understanding. I do know that feeling of things getting worse instead of better as a new layer is peeled away. I'm holding everyone close in my heart. This is just so hard.

Wade, I watched Brooks' video this morning. I agree with Becky, what an amazing smile. Aiden is always interested in whatever I'm doing on the computer especially if there is music so he watched with me. He asked who it was in the video. I told him, "That's Brooks. He lives in heaven too." Aiden said, "He looks nice. I think he knows my Sissy." I said, "Yes, I think he does." I have called Trista and left voice mails, texted her. Talking on the phone and texting each other throughout the day was such a part of our lives that it makes me feel closer to her sometimes. Maybe odd, I don't know but it helps me sometimes.

Debbie, Thank you for signing Trista's petition and thank you for sharing Sam with us. He sounds like such a wonderful Son.

Wanda, It was good to see your post. I keep you and your sweet Lane in my thoughts. I know that heartache well.

Becky, The way you have shared your story, Jared's story has helped me a lot in finding the strength to keep moving forward for Trista. I have to pick up her hospital records today from the night she was killed. All of these things just keep us locked in that moment in a lot of ways. Your strength in all you have done and continue to do in Jared's name helps give me strength as well. Thank you for that.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, yes it is like peeling the layers off one at a time. The first couple of years are the hardest. Wade, thanks for sharing the video. I remember well calling Jeff's office to hear his voice mail before they changed it. Also his cell. Anything to hold on to keeping his memory alive. Gretchen, how are things going for you? How did the funeral go yesterday? I believe it was yesterday if I am correct. My heart goes out to his family and all of his friends. Wanda, how did your meeting at the grief group go yesterday? Debbie, I think that you did the right thing if the police advised not to see him. You want to remember him in the best possible way. Becky, I try to not think of that last night with Jeff. It's hard... but I force myself to go to another memory of some kind that is happier. Not too hard with Jeff as he was such a kidder. He had that John Candy type of likeability. He also loved to joke around. When I sometimes go to that night I find myself saying that he wants to be remembered in a different way. I know I would. Jared I'm sure is beyond proud of how hard you have worked on his behalf to ensure that others do not meet the same fate. Also, looking after your parents at this time must be so stressful... and yet it does provide a distraction from the hurt. They are very lucky indeed to have such a loyal and loving daughter. Lora, hope you do not work too hard over the next week. Just make sure you don't get run down and sick. Susan, will you be hosting the Thanksgiving dinner? Today we woke up to another light dusting of freshly fallen snow. The sun glistening off of it really makes it look magical. The lake is finally freezing over and before long our neighbours kids will be out skating on their rink. Everything is taking on that Christmas festive look. So very pretty. Wishing you all some peace in your day. Love, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade...I watched the video....I have not watched any of the others...and I dissolved...maybe there is a reason deep inside me that tells me 'not to watch'....that there is a knowing I am 'just strong enough for today' and not going into deeper waters of grief...for I will slip into a deeper layer of mourning....

It was beautiful...heart wrenching...I had a 'thought' that you were in a dark place....and..I wish I could tell you that that will only be the only time....but....it is normal to be in that place. We have all been there...and we will re-visit that place many times on this journey....it has to run through you...and hold you there and then you will 'come up for air'....it is hard to explain but it is a part of the healing. Many are scared of that part of grieving...but you can't side step it...go around it...or jump over it.....no...you must go through it. The comfort is that you are not alone...or anyone on this site. When I first got on this site...it was hard..and Dee told me she was holding on to me...and she knew just what I was going through...and I really didn't have anyone around me to turn to...for everyone was looking to me and holding on to me for their strength and compass. I have always been 'The Keeper of the Springs' in my family...even my son Jesse told me...'if Mom can make it..we all can make it'.....so that is why this site has been my lifeline..when my human boat was going down for the last time. It will start to sink again and again.

To the 'new ones'....read our posts...and know we are here for you....and it is just so damn hard. But....it is 'do-able'....

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....we have some 'Texas Winter weather' today....at least it is for us South Texans....

yes....I am hosting the Thanksgiving dinner...Jesse and his family...Ran & George and family will go and work at the Community Thanksgiving dinner for the low income population in Brenham...so I hold off serving til 2....that way my GRANDchildren learn 'to serve' and to count their blessings. Jason and his family go to her family ..and they come to my house on Christmas...right now..Daniel is in CA visiting Aaron and his family..and Jeremy is flying there today from Portland, OR....so they get some time together....Jeremy will not be home this Christmas because he took off 2 1/2 weeks in the summer...Daniel is returning Sunday.

I am more like my Grama than my Mama when it comes to the fork in the road of 'where adult children go on holidays'.....Essie was a 'if you can make it fine...if you can't, that is fine, too'....she said people always put too much emphasis on 'just one day'....and there were 365 days you can be together....now my Mom was different....if you spent a holiday with your spouses family...you better be at her house the next....sort of a score card for holidays...and it did create stress. Just everyone has their own way I guess. So....I leave it up to my adult children...and they know how my heart is and no one has any guilt. John David was always with me...he wasn't married...and he would walk in the front door and be ready to take over the cooking and kitchen duty. None of my other children have that 'go put your feet up..have a glass of wine..and I'll take care of everything' kind of persona.....he owned the ground he walked on.

I am 'in dread'...but the GRANDchildren will bolster me up....and we are going to do the 'memory box' that Dee suggested...and I am going to create a 'light the candle' tradition that Lora suggested...

Thank you for your encouragement and your 'sweet spirit' that lifts us over these days of grief.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan for Wade "...I had a 'thought' that you were in a dark place....and..I wish I could tell you that that will only be the only time....but....it is normal to be in that place. We have all been there...and we will re-visit that place many times on this journey....it has to run through you...and hold you there and then you will 'come up for air'....it is hard to explain but it is a part of the healing. Many are scared of that part of grieving...but you can't side step it...go around it...or jump over it.....no...you must go through it."

Wade, this is so true...and there are many times I visit that "dark place", like when I have gone back to the "angel spot" or remember and relive what Jesse went through in his last moments...it is part of my bonding to him...to feel him with me once more...

How long I must stay in these moments I don't know...perhaps in time I will hear Jesse's voice to say, "Mom, it is okay to step away from these moments", or at least not visit them so frequently...

Wade I did watch the video this morning...I see his bright smiling face...and know how much you miss him...I loved the picture with Brooks and kitty...

[shorty16]

Becky,

I had to respond to your post. I, too, wondered endlessly if Brian suffered from the blunt force trauma that killed hum. From the autopsy, Brian died in minutes. That did bring me some peace.

Our situation also includes an irresponsible driver. But, our driver was found guilty for Homicide by Negligent use of a Motor vehicle.

Nothing will bring our boys back, just know that there are others in this world that can relate to your loss.

Love to you

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

[SamDsmom]

This morning I was thinking about my grandchildren and about how much I miss them. My middle daughter Keri had a new baby girl last month. I got to be there to help out with the older kids. Little Kiki is just 4 years old. We were laying in bed that night and she put her little hands up to her eyes like glasses. Out of the blue she said, "I see God. He is with Sam and grandpa Archie and Grandma April" I asked her what they were doing. She told me they were smiling. She said," I miss Sam. He was my best bud." That thought came to me this morning and made me think of how matter of fact she had said it. I actually thought it might be a good day. I have really tried to hold in to that because what happened this afternoon has had me so upset that I can't even focus. My husband and I have been getting a long so much better the last several days. I have made it a point to try to be kind and understand that this is new amd hard for him also. Background...I have a 23 year old step daughter. She has never liked me. Its okay. I have always tried to treat her like one of my own. She is spoiled, mean and very very self centered. She and Sam were not really close. Since Sam died she has never once acknowledged me, given any condolences or even mentioned his death. When we went back for the funeral we got 2 motel rooms next too each other so that Jack could spend time with the two of them. I explained to them how sad I was and really wanted to be alone. Everytime Jack would come back to our room she would wait a few minutes and then come out side and cry our yell at her husband on the phone because he told her they couldn't afford for her to get her nails done or something equally stupid as that We would then being her in to comfort her. The point of this is that my husband is convinced that she needs medication so she won't act this way. He called her this afternoon to see if she had seen the doctor. She said no because she didn't know what to say. He told her to tell the doctor that she is having marriage problems and that her brother just died so she might need something to help her cope. He was talking to her about anti depressants. This infuriates me. For her to use Sam's death as a means to an end!!! That's like telling me that he is getting closer to his kids so maybe that is something good that can come out of this. Like Sam had to die for this.

Thanks for letting me throw this up. I really don't think I can deal with this. I knew he doesn't mean those things the way I take them but come on.

Debbie

[Jeff's Mom]

Good Morning, everyone. Just quickly stopping by to say that I am thinking of all of you and hoping that your day is a decent one. Debbie, I know that this time for you is so hard. The everyday happenings with family can seem too much to take when you are also carrying this pain of losing your boy. Try to hold on and not let it get to you. I am glad that things are getting better with your husband. Stress can really take a toll on anyone...particularly this type of stress. Susan, our weather turned in very cold indeed. Even for us this is unheard of to have temps in the -25C range. Global warming? My foot! And tomorrow supposedly a high of -3C. The huge highs and then drops in temps are so concerning. The poor animals are confused and not sure of what to make of it. We are going to stay put and finish off putting up the rest of the Christmas decorations today. Perhaps I will bake my shortbread. Thought of you yesterday with the 50th. of JFK. I remember vividly that very day and exactly what I was doing. When the nuns heard the news we were sent home early. I was very young, but it still had an impact... as I watched the emotions of adults around me. Very sad day.Thinking of everyone today. Be kind to yourselves and take care. Kate

[ericasmom]

Debbie, I think that I too would be uncomfortable with that analogy. SOunds like this woman has had issues going on for some time and it does not sound like she considered Sam as her brother. While i know that his death could spur some things in her, a meltdown over a manicure is not quite right. Meds, sure maybe, but using this loss as a reason just supports the premise of never facing what is truly at the core of her upset. I am with you on this and again, these are the things that can splinter a couple so I think this must be so hard on you to not bring it up with your husband.

Kate, I do hope that the report from the hospital is good, that your Beloved is doing well in this battle. You have been a strength in this fight and we hold you as you hold your family.

I wondered for those first two years if Eri felt pain, was she afraid???but I had to release that in the face of feeling her peace adn then recently when her friend Cecily went to a medium and the medium told her that her friend left her body immediately so there was no pain physically. I am grateful for the affirmation of this.

Becky, I too love that new photo of Jared. Such a beautiful Boy.

Wade, it is sweet of you to feel the need to hold others up at this early time in your loss, remember, it is okay to not always respond, you have to leave time right now to just be and sometimes that means taking time from wherever you can. Most of us have felt the need to have alone time much stronger than ever and being a teacher, I know how precious little time is available in a day so take the time, we will be here.

So much to do at school that I can't keep up with posting but I am reading each day and holding everyone close.

Please send prayer to the heavens for the freedom that my brotherinlaw now has as he passed away on Wednesday night at the nursing home that was his residence for 10 years. He was trapped in his body by Parkinsons disease for so long. He is free now. My sis-in-law Carol set him loose to the world alongside their Sons. John was a wonderful man and now a wonderful spirit.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, thinking of you and your family. My condolences and prayers sent your way. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, your family will be in my thoughts and prayers today...I offer this prayer to ascend to heaven for John...and for Carol...

God our Father,

Your power brings us to birth,

Your providence guides our lives,

and by Your command we return to dust.

Lord, those who die still live in Your presence,

their lives change but do not end.

We pray in hope for the family,

relatives and friends,

and for all the dead known to You alone.

In company with Christ,

Who died and now lives,

may they rejoice in Your kingdom,

where all our tears are wiped away.

Unite us together again in one family,

to sing Your praise forever and ever.

Amen.