Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Jill, you are doing exactly what you can to honor Sweet Bryce, and yes, he would be, he is pleased. Yes, that second year tugs on us differently for exactly those reasons you stated. A year of not having made any new memories with Him, and now a new one, and another set of holidays? Yikes it becomes relentless at times, but at other times, we see that day follows day and winter follows autumn and in that there is some peace, oh and a ton of sadness yes, but for me some peace, that the turn of seasons and days of the week are still in order when so little is those first few years. Hang on Jill, we have you covered.

Oh yes...we need to copy this from Dee....and remember to send it out....

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen...it is late...will post more tomorrow...for you....am emotional....but want you to know am in thought and prayers for that 'red headed boy'....

[Mommysangelisabella]

Shannon ,

I am so glad to hear you and the boys are alright. It must hv been a very hard time. Ive lived in cali all my life so earthquakes well... I live with tornatos are scary . Im glad aiden took it easy on you today boy do i understand little boys lol. Your gulit over trista promise ... I understand it ,i belive her arms are rapped around you right now saying mom its ok i understand. You didnt lie to you no one knew this would happen its ok mom i love you and i release you now from this guilt. Im ok im happy im an angel now and ill be with you untill the day we can truly be together agen thank you for being my mom for not being perfect but for trying thank you for being my friend for holding me for teaching me and for loving me even now. I love you mom. Just listen and look she will send another sign very soon i belive that with all my heart

Kate,

Im glad to hear you also are alright but am sorry to hear you hving a bad day. Im starting to see this greif thing is alot like an ocean. From each day you never know what to expect. Im praying for you .

Lora,

That is such a great idea about the vidio taping getting as many precious memories every day as i can. Thank you

Gretchen,

Agen i am so sorry for your friends loss and for yours . Thank you for sharing josh he seems so full of life rock n roll and love in all his pictures. I am very sure forest is with him right now. All my love to you all .

Dee

Im glad you all are ok as well. Man it seems alot of you are back east.

jill,

I belive you are doing things as you should and even though im early in this i can see you honor bryce every day your his mom ....

Susan,

I am soooo glad to hear you and your husband had such a heart lifting moment with elvis . It gives me hope for the future.

Wade,

You and brooks are on my mind alot and always in my prayers thnk you for being my friend even in your time of need.

Laurie,

I will watch the vidio as soon as i post. Thank you for thinking of us. Take care

Well as for me first off if ive messed up a name with an angle or a miss spelling im very very sorry with my phone i hv to hand right out everything then post because i cnt see anyone elses post . So please forgive me let me know and ive started writting everyone down in my book along with their angels. Today was a very long day for me. I delt with isabellas father who is a now recovering addict who hit almost two months then back slid slightly the other day. We talked for hours but its hard to support him right now with his grief his adfiction ect. And deal with my boys myself and as your all aware of now the great illness of mt sons father. Somedays i just want to scream ! My 3 year old is snoring next to me in bed wich is gods constant reminder i hv some light left in my darkness of a life along with his two brothers. I just pray god finally gives us all a break but i hv a feeling from here till the middle of jan. Are going to be the hardest of all seeing ad my due date was jan. 5 but she was set for csection the ladt week of dec. The 28th thur 2nd. I had been given a choice of a few days within that time and i picked the 2nd a new baby girl to bring in our new year sounded amazing. Now its emptiness , unanswered prayers , tears , and sarrow to look forward to its hard to breath thinking of this day thats comming. But my light is my boys and you my family. I am thankful for each and everyone of you . Even the newbies im pretty newbie myself im praying for every one . If i forgot someone im sorry i will post agen tomorrow. Sorry this is so long all my love to all our angel dream well of them, wendy

[Mommysangelisabella]

Shannon ,

I am so glad to hear you and the boys are alright. It must hv been a very hard time. Ive lived in cali all my life so earthquakes well... I live with tornatos are scary . Im glad aiden took it easy on you today boy do i understand little boys lol. Your gulit over trista promise ... I understand it ,i belive her arms are rapped around you right now saying mom its ok i understand. You didnt lie to you no one knew this would happen its ok mom i love you and i release you now from this guilt. Im ok im happy im an angel now and ill be with you untill the day we can truly be together agen thank you for being my mom for not being perfect but for trying thank you for being my friend for holding me for teaching me and for loving me even now. I love you mom. Just listen and look she will send another sign very soon i belive that with all my heart

Kate,

Im glad to hear you also are alright but am sorry to hear you hving a bad day. Im starting to see this greif thing is alot like an ocean. From each day you never know what to expect. Im praying for you .

Lora,

That is such a great idea about the vidio taping getting as many precious memories every day as i can. Thank you

Gretchen,

Agen i am so sorry for your friends loss and for yours . Thank you for sharing josh he seems so full of life rock n roll and love in all his pictures. I am very sure forest is with him right now. All my love to you all .

Dee

Im glad you all are ok as well. Man it seems alot of you are back east.

jill,

I belive you are doing things as you should and even though im early in this i can see you honor bryce every day your his mom ....

Susan,

I am soooo glad to hear you and your husband had such a heart lifting moment with elvis . It gives me hope for the future.

Wade,

You and brooks are on my mind alot and always in my prayers thnk you for being my friend even in your time of need.

Laurie,

I will watch the vidio as soon as i post. Thank you for thinking of us. Take care

Well as for me first off if ive messed up a name with an angle or a miss spelling im very very sorry with my phone i hv to hand right out everything then post because i cnt see anyone elses post . So please forgive me let me know and ive started writting everyone down in my book along with their angels. Today was a very long day for me. I delt with isabellas father who is a now recovering addict who hit almost two months then back slid slightly the other day. We talked for hours but its hard to support him right now with his grief his adfiction ect. And deal with my boys myself and as your all aware of now the great illness of mt sons father. Somedays i just want to scream ! My 3 year old is snoring next to me in bed wich is gods constant reminder i hv some light left in my darkness of a life along with his two brothers. I just pray god finally gives us all a break but i hv a feeling from here till the middle of jan. Are going to be the hardest of all seeing ad my due date was jan. 5 but she was set for csection the ladt week of dec. The 28th thur 2nd. I had been given a choice of a few days within that time and i picked the 2nd a new baby girl to bring in our new year sounded amazing. Now its emptiness , unanswered prayers , tears , and sarrow to look forward to its hard to breath thinking of this day thats comming. But my light is my boys and you my family. I am thankful for each and everyone of you . Even the newbies im pretty newbie myself im praying for every one . If i forgot someone im sorry i will post agen tomorrow. Sorry this is so long all my love to all our angel dream well of them, wendy

[Mommysangelisabella]

Well my phone strikes agen ! Sorry everyone for the double post. Im looking at a tablet im gonna buy off my neice as a santa gift for my boys shhhh.... So maybe then late at night i can finally post for real lol

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wendy,

It's getting late but I wanted to thank you for your kind words. This guilt is so hard. You mentioned in your post that grief is like on ocean. I wanted share with you something I wrote in my journal earlier today.

I've learned with this grief, for me, it's like an ocean. The stages come in steady waves, coming in and then receding. I think that keeps me from taking too much at once. Then at times high tide comes in and knocks me to my knees but eventually that recedes too allowing me to stand again for a while before it knocks me down again.

I just wanted to share that with you. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

Here is a poem I wrote to Trista concerning my guilt I'm going through right now.

My heart is broken

My world is shattered

Echoes of your laughter

Fill the halls of my inner mind

In that place where you will always be mine

I never meant to let you go

My promise lingers on my lips

Of a future full and bright

My promise that I could not keep

It haunts me every night

It was my place

To keep you safe

I’m sorry

If I could only take your place

I know you know I would

I’d bring you back to live your life

In a moment, If I could

I love you so much more than life

You are my everything

Life is empty without you here

Nothing will ever be the same

I am broken

I know this is something I have to come to terms with. I will. It's just so hard right now.

[Mommysangelisabella]

Need thoughts .....

At my sons birthday party the other day when all of my family got together of course isabella was skirtted around. My mom and sister brought up her dog that just past. I had asked them to not tell my boys of his death feeling it would be to much on them right now loosing their sister less than two months ago. Max ( the dog) was loved by my boys alot. He had been sick with cancer( my oldest helped tented to him last we were there) for awhile and god took him home. well as i reminded them of what was agreed apon lesd tnan i think 3 weeks or 4 most i was abruptly stopped by my mom who demanded i hv to tell my boys before thanksgiving because she refuses to lie to them any longer. My oldest has asked once over him and asked if he could help care for him on thanksgiving. Thats all. Am i wrong to want them to say ges still sick and upstairs or at the vet on thanksgiving? Should i just tell them? Im so afraid their little hearts cant take it. So do i then not tell them not attend thanksgiving wich my mom insisted moving from my place to hers this year after i told her no i wanted to try. But then with all the other family issues im afraid us not going might tear us all into peices ( my extended family) . Oh but they said they would atleast move his ashes out of the main walk way between the front door /livingroom threw tne kitchen/ dinningroom. His ashes are on a low shelf aginist the wall from what i hear. What are everyones thoughts what would you do ?

[Mommysangelisabella]

Oh i did reply after that coment well i know they need to know but their sister just died less than two months ago. My dad spoke up for the first time in all this and simply said well they knew he had been sick for awhile...... I walked away

[wgreenlee]

Shannon...

That's a beautiful poem. I will be posting the poem I wrote for Brooks tonight. Kind of ironic, I guess. Keep sharing and know that you are always on my mind and that I just wish I could be there to help you. Another day...so tired.

Prayers for peace to everyone...sorry I didn't respond to the other posts. I so want to comfort all of you right now...to ease my own pain...but mostly because I know the pain you are also going through, whether it's only been a month or so, or multiple years. Hard to imagine how this can be managed so long. Your words of comfort and wisdom are so close to my heart, and I can only say thank you and tell you I am grateful for friends who go out of their way to ease someone else's pain in the midst of their own.

Here you go...buddy...best I could do again.

I LONG…

I long to call or text you tonight

To hear your voice and make it alright

I long to hear you sing your song

Never a dream has been this long

I long to hug and kiss your cheek

For you, my son, I will always seek

I long to hold you one more time

But now it’s me to put you in rhyme

I long to see that special smile

As big as an ocean, as long as a mile

I long to talk about your day

To always make sure you find your way

I long to play catch again with you

To bond again, to start anew

I long to see your dreams fulfilled

That beautiful life you would build

But our Heavenly Lord longed too

To give you love, freely given

And like his son, your soul has risen

And now Heaven abounds with your precious voice

While stars shine bright and angels rejoice

BUT WHAT I REALLY LONG FOR is my son back again.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Laurie, I wrote this on June 11th, 2012; at 36 weeks, for Jared. I have walked your path, and although we did not receive the justice we hoped for here on this earth, I still believe it will come. Hold on!

36 weeks today, Jared. ♥ U Infinity! Like grains of sand in an hour glass,

as the days trickle on, time will reveal what is true. Justice is not limited to this earth

and the blindness of men, but God, who sees and knows all, will be the judge in the end.

Thinking of all of you today. I am so very tired, still running back and forth between home and my parents house trying to help them as best I can. They can hardly walk, and getting in and out of the house for medical appointments is quite a challenge, even with help.

I think the hardest part of my grief walk in this 3rd year without my son, is the fact that others do not mention him to me unless I bring him up, which I often do. Hardly any of his friends post on his FB page anymore, and it's just so sad. I know they have to move on with their lives, and they don't think of him 24-7 as we do, but it makes me feel that my family is now on this walk alone. We are so changed. You would think the difference in your demeanor would stand out like a neon sign, but if it does, others run away from it, not towards it.

[Mommysangelisabella]

I am with you today laurie and wade . I am holding you up and praying for you. Your angels Jared and brooks are right by your side. All my love wendy

[shorty16]

Isabella's Mom

In my humble opinion, kids are stronger than we think they are. I totally understand your need to protect them from any more hurt.

There is alot to be gained by telling the truth and helping our kids through the pain. Yes, it will be sad, yes it will bring them sadness, but you and your entire family will be there to help them understand that Isabella has a doggie friend in heaven.

Please do what you think is right. My suggestion is tell them the truth and hold them tight.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Mommysangelisabella]

Thank you Colleen i am just so very scared and i dnt want to bring any more hurt and pain into their lifes. My oldest the most he has had such a hard life from the get go . The doctors told me to expect a miscarage and just to go home and wait for it to happend. His bio father couldnt handle it and left him and i . His dad my ex and the bio father to my other son had a very rough time and has not been in their lifes for sometime. My new husband ( isabellas father)well... My life has never gone as planned and even though ive tryed my best life isnt easy. it just seems so wrong to add one more hurt to any of them. Strong or not how much should a 9 year old hv to shoulder. I had told my 9 year old just 3 months ago that he has older sister and a brother on his bio dads side. He asks why mom then did he not want me? I told him at a time i thought he was old enough and could handle it then his sister died my husband is gone fighting a drug addiction who cnt be under our roof untill hes better ( he turned to drugs after our daughter died , well the day we found out and we went to hosptail he was so high he couldnt function. They just keep loosing people. How long does this hv to go on for my sweet babies. Its one rhing for all this hurt to be on me another my boys. I know some of this hurt was a direct cause of my action ( i allowed these people into our life) but at the time and for years they were never these people then something happends and they turn and we get hurt they get hurt. It just seems like so much to adk my sons just take on this one more hurt this one more pain. When all ive dreamed of begged for from god is that my boys , my kids , could be happy could live without pain and fear of loosing someone. My oldest has sever seperation anxiety because of his life along with sever adhd and learning disabilitys . My middle son has Aspergers life is hard on them every day . They find some happiness then are once agen hit with pain. I just want to protect them so badly. It hurts so much to watch them go threw this. I know i hv to deliver this pain once agen but i cant breath just thinking of doing it . Thank you for your thoughts and listening to me

[Mommysangelisabella]

Let me not forget about my three year old who will be four in april. In socity he would be deemed normal. He handles each day in stride. He tells me of his time he sees isabella faith and they play together alot in his room now / their room. All of her things are still in there. He is no longer potty trained at all and refuses to even try . His vocabulary is amazing his doctor has said hes advanced some. But the begining of his life wasnt easy either he was born wuth something called pilar stanosis . The valve at the end of his stomch was underdevelpoed. So he projectiled every meal. He wad drasticlly under weight as a baby. So much he looked like he was being starved. He saw a doc weekly. Almost had surgrey but they thought hed be ok. Finally at his 3 year check we got they all clear hes of proper weight and his stomach has righted itself. Wow as i write ALL this before today i never relized how much medicaly my childeren hv had wrong. My middle son we are just finding out about. But even with their health issuse wich in retrospect are not that bad, even if i would hv known they would hv these things id still hv them. They are my babies. I could hear someone say now knowing all this would you create another? In truth god is in control not me. I love each one of my babies for who they are not what i or socity wish them to be. Even my angel isabella would i never get pregnate with her the answer is no i would god suprised me with her she had a purpose here even if i only held her inside of me for 25 weeks she is my daughter and my life. God knows why he gave me her and god knows why he only gave her to me for such a short while as why hes given my boys tne issues that they hv. I cansense a stronger purpose. Ive told my jay since he was born he will change the world i can feel it. He now at three tells people ad well . Ive told each and everyone of them you can be who you want to be in life nothing can stop you just keep trying and dreaming. I stand fast to that ..... Any ways i really hv to run i hv people waiting on me ooopppsss. Time slips away so easy now all my love and prayers

[tobyfreefoot]

becky--I think the hardest part of my grief walk in this 3rd year without my son, is the fact that others do not mention him to me unless I bring him up, which I often do. Hardly any of his friends post on his FB page anymore, and it's just so sad. I know they have to move on with their lives, and they don't think of him 24-7 as we do, but it makes me feel that my family is now on this walk alone.

you are not alone i am right there with you in the same situation but i do know what you mean exactly, you are in my thoughts so often. i thought of jared yesterday as i was shopping. i saw some headphones with those bob marley, reggae colors. i almost bought them for him when i realized he isn't here and you are one of what my husband calls my "imaginary friends"

my daughter had the phone in hand to call forest to tell him about josh before she remembered he was gone.

i have to give my mom's lap top back so you all take care. i know tomorrow when i go see lynn i will relive my own loss on top of the deep empathy and pain of losing josh.

[Mermaid Tears]

All the 'coulda...woulda...shoulda....all the IF things....if I had made her stay home...if he would have left 5 minutes later....if I had turned left....if I had turned right...if I had answered the phone...if I had taken him to the Dr......if I had taken her to the Other Dr.....if I had been home...if I had been over there....if we had not quarreled.....if I had checked on him sooner....if they had not gone with their friends...if they had not gone on that trip....if I had kept him home from school...and the BIG one....IF I HAD KNOWN....all these questions come up and all we do is open 'the door and all the Boogie Men' come out.....I don't know about everyone else....but I do know 'I and We' loved our children ...even when they grow to be the fine adult 'children'...the parent's love and caring and feeling responsible doesn't really 'fade' with the years...and we feel that jab of guilt and remorse....(for after all....it is programmed into our DNA that we protect our child from ALL harm).....those instincts just don't go away....ever....).....and then...what we have always feared the most...happens.....I have always said...when I became a Mother.....I became Morbid....I would hear something on the news about a child in an accident....or...someone telling me how someone's child died...and I would always imagine the 'what if it happened to mine'...but....I could never wrap that thought into a reality....but...now I can...I do know this for my truth... if now...I let the guilt..remorse...regrets...take over... I will become sick and paralyzed..and it would be for a lie....for the 'I and We' here...we are simply in grief and heartbroken..heart sick...but we should never carry the banner of shame and blame...

Shannon....and to the many on this site that has been dealing with guilt....

I think it is enough of a heavy burden to deal with the grief walk we are on....to then add misery of feeling guilt.....

I think it is normal to feel 'guilt' in some deep part of a parent's DNA...but you have to know it is not 'real guilt' you are feeling....you can call it guilt but it is simply coming to terms of a parent realizing that we 'just don't have that power'....

God...the Universe...gave an amazing gift to people that became parents....it is the closest thing to 'unconditional love' ...it is even above and beyond any word that we can say or write...and with that we seem to think we have this innate power to cover our children from any harm.

That is why a parent can lift a car off their child...can beat any runner to get their child from danger...will stand in front of a bullet to shield that child...will go to the ends of the earth for a medicine to heal that child....

So...I don't think you are anyone that has lost a child is feeling 'guilt'.....

Rather....we feel 'regret'.....regret that our love did not have the power to keep our child from harm..disease..train wreck...car wreck...drug overdose...cancer...gun shot...heart attack..and on and on....

For some reason....I always thought that my sheer will, strength, love would always be a protective cover for all my children....

How can anything hurt my child as long as I am here ? Those are rather foolish thoughts...but I believed them. I really did.

There again....that unexplained magical and indescribable love of a parent for that child.

We come face to face with the real facts....we simply don't have that kind of power on this earth.

I remember when I was a small child...and I was beginning to wonder if there was a real Santa Claus.....I was beginning to think 'not'....but I was scared not to believe...for then I may not get toys. Then....I finally came to the age...where I find out the truth...there was no Santa Claus. Years passed and I had children....and I got to be 'Santa Claus'....I had more fun...than my children on those Christmas mornings. I then passed into another age....where my adult mind really wished there 'was a Real Santa'.....for I could look at my children and their gifts....but I knew...there were children that had no gifts on Christmas morning. The passage of time and belief and fantasy....brings us to another level of thought.

I remember watching the 'Superman' movie.....and as an adult....I wished there was a 'Real Superman' to watch over our world...keep planes from crashing...the bad guys from hurting the good guys...giving us a sense of security and peace. Hey...someone has my back !

So ...we the parents are brought to another truth....out of our fantasy that we could protect our children from all harm.....we can't...for we simply don't have that power and in the same thought process...we have a 'child like' regret....and wish we did.

Your grief is working it's way through it all....

Wade mentioned in one of his postings that he realized that there was nothing he could have done to save his son.....I know there was nothing I could do to save my John David....

but it doesn't stop us from wishing....we had that power. That is regret.

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen....thank you for sharing those photos of that 'Red Head Boy'.....and sharing with us the love and history you have with him....all of us are so sorry that you are going to come face to face with another tragic loss....but you will carry something priceless with you to your friend...in that you will know 'the where..what...when...how' she is feeling. Between the both of you...there will be a 'knowing' that others just don't get. We know this is not an easy journey...in fact..the hardest journey any parent can travel....but if we have someone to hold hands with...it is a cushion.

There is a tragic tale written over every small and large community of the death toll that drugs bring...he won't be the first....and he won't be the last. Addiction is taking children from every walk of life. It is beyond sad. Please let us hear from you....and how the memorial went.

Aren't we the lucky ones to have all these 'imaginary friends' ???

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Jill, “I can't believe that a year has almost gone by. How have I made it through? How is it that I can look in the mirror and see a "normal" person looking back? What happens when we cross the first year anniversary? It will be the start of year 2 and he will still be gone, there will be no new memories made with him as part of them and I will still just be putting one foot in front of the other.”

This seems to be the common theme of us parents reaching past the one year mark…it hits you in the gut in a whole new way…the realization that they are not with us in a physical manner has a unique, desperate pain of its own…

Isabellas Mom… I am under the belief that animals go to a heaven, sometimes to comfort our loved ones…I had two of my beloved dogs leave right before Jesse and I recently had to put his cat down…he loved his cat, Betty…I do think her little soul is with him…and I do not say that lightly because I truly believe this..Betty is now cremated and I will be placing part of her ashes by his house and a bit by the cemetary..

Dee, so glad to you are okay…I agree with Susan, you have been such a comfort and help in this painful journey…I think of the origin of hospices from the medieval ages…which was a place of shelter and rest for ill or weary travelers…this “place” is that for us in grief and I am glad you and others have stayed on to be there…

Gretchen, holding your hand…prayers of strength for you as you comfort Josh’s mom…

Wade and Shannon, those poems speak of the raw grief…it is so hard…I cannot help but think of the Beatles song, “Yesterday”…though originally penned for relationship loss there is a sad quality of the song that strikes me..my heart still believes in yesterday…

Becky, thank you so much for those words…I know you walk my path of the injustice…there is a part of me that cannot even go there in my emotions…Jesse was so particular about his reputation…and to find out how the law enforcement not only botched everything, I think before the intaking cop set foot on the scene he already had it in his head how it happened…his biase was obviously reflected in the results of the case.

Wanda, how are you doing??

[ericasmom]

Debbie, I do agree with Colleen, the boys can take it about he dog, they really get it better than we adults. The more honest we are with them, the better they are able to trust the adults in their lives. One thing for sure, pets are definitely to be mourned when gone, but your kids will also put into perspective the different losses in their lives and so we have to deliver the news, and they may react with great sadness and they may behave in more outward ways than they did with the loss of the baby, but all of their reactions should be welcome at this delicate time for them. As someone who has worked with children for most of my life, it is almost always best to trust our kids with the truth.

Gretchen, I am holding your hand and your heart as you go to the service tomorrow. Yep, reliving your own loss and then going through this loss too. So much heartache, way more than we need to go around.

Peace and hope to all

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, I wish I could be "child like" again. If even for only a day. What I would give to stop the train and get off for a twenty-four hour break. Just to sit back and let someone else take care of me. To block out all the worries of the day and feel safe. The reality of where I am now will not allow it. Those were bygone days of my early youth. If only. Today was difficult. I met someone in our small town for lunch. I was not prepared for walking into the restaurant and finding it completely decorated for Christmas. Unfortunately they were playing carols. I sat there is a dazed state listening to my companion go on about her Christmas plans and upcoming vacation with her family. I wanted to stop the bus and get off. Run as fast as my legs would carry me to "where"? Back in time. I am exhausted with the worry and feelings of loss. Yet I know that I have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. There are no options. The wheels keep turning on and on. I do believe she did not pick up on my distraction. I tried to mention Jeff once but it was brushed aside with a flippant remark and back to her. Becky, I am afraid you have reached that point where you are now facing the very harsh cold facts of Jareds passing. Yes, people have moved ahead with their lives and expect us to do the same. The problem is...I can't. I'm not so much having a bad day as realizing that this is actually the way it is going to be from now on. Can't say I'm crazy about it. It takes a huge amount of effort to accept the new life.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, your writings today...how they so fit...

Kate, sending out hugs to you...I think some people are just "clueless" until it happens to them...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

I'm sorry today was not a good day for you. Sometimes things just hit from out of nowhere. I'm sorry your friend brushed you off when you tried to talk about Jeff. It's so good for us to be able to talk about our Kids. I wish others weren't so uncomfortable. I'm thinking of you and Ross and sending prayers for good results tomorrow.

Susan,

Thank you. I know everything you wrote is true. I think the worst for me is that Trista struggled with the anxiety and fear of death and was just beginning to get past it. You're right, it is more regret than guilt. I wish I could have saved her from death or at the very least from the struggles she had in life.

Wade,

Your poem is so real. You long for all those little things that were Brooks... the memories, the dreams, everything. We just want our Children back. I know we will learn how to keep going in this life but I'm sure that will never change.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Today has been a better day. I woke up to a beautiful but very chilly, sunny fall day. Aiden was even more happy and bubbly today than usual. I think some of his exuberance must have rubbed off a little. He was quite contagious today and caused me lots of smiles. We went to the store to let him pick a treat. He picked mini candy ice cream cones and a little toy archery set. Then we went to Trista's site and Aiden played with his new toy out there for a while. Getting out and getting some sun and fresh air helped. Sometimes this grief just pulls me into dark dark places for awhile. I'm sure I have to go through these times in order to work through things. Thanks to all for all the support and sharing.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

I love the new picture of Jared. I'm thinking of you and hope you get some time for yourself.

Laurie,

I believe our beloved animals do go to heaven too. Trista had a boxer named Britney. She'd been Trista's dog since she was 5 years old. She passed a way 2 summers ago. I know Brit is with Trista.

Gretchen,

You will be in my thoughts. I can't imagaine how hard this is for you.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....Did the Christmas decorations and music seem to hit you in the face ? Here it is November 19th....and all that Holiday Cheer is ready made...

the merchants want us to start shopping....and the earlier all the trappings of the Season are out there...the sooner we open our pocket book...

and the longer the Season....the more we shop....

at least that is the science behind getting Christmas in front of the masses.

We fuss and gripe....for we don't want it pushed down our throats before Halloween...but it is there.

Some of us...and many of my friends agree.....that we will keep the Season ...one at a time...no decorating for Thanksgiving....til November..no decorating for Christmas til December....but we have no control over merchants or big stores....it does confuse the children.

I can't help but think that your friend wanted to have lunch with you to be with you....just the way you 'write', I think I would very much want to share time with you....for you have a unique spirit and strong will....and what I have learned...some of the most interesting and beautiful people I have met...have been the ones that have 'suffered a lot'...for they seem to have a certain handle on things and I do learn from them. Your friend is no different from the many that people post on here about....very well intentioned...but lacking in empathy in how to relate to us...so....they 'brush off' our bringing up our child's name...thinking it will turn it all sour on us...thinking it will darken the day....and all they really want to do...is be with us and cheer us up...or share some 'normal' time with us....without all that 'talk' of death...dying...grief...tears...sadness. It is just their attempt to reach out.

I know for myself....I have to meet these well intentioned friends..acquaintances...with my empathy...my understanding...and forgiveness...for they simply don't know. They are ignorant...not mean...not hateful...just ignorant. I have been guilty of 'not knowing' how to respond...what to say....what not to say...how to say it...when to say it...in dealing with parents that have lost a child. Now...I am not ignorant, now I know. In some instances...I did not want to 'intrude'....now I know....I would not have been intruding at all....I would have been welcomed.

[Jeff's Mom]

Bang on! You hit the nail on the head Susan. I was totally unprepared for what I walked into at the restaurant. If I have a bit of time to compose myself and prepare then I am usually ok. But this was full Christmas mode. In truth, it was the music that had me wanting to run for the door. It still has me in a puddle of tears. She actually was just wanting to talk about herself and her plans. I am a good listener and she appeared to take no notice whatsoever. She is excited about her family gathering in Mexico for the holidays. Who could blame her? She talked at length about her kids and it somehow seemed so sad to remember a day that I was very much like her in my excitement about celebrating. There was a huge gaping hole in that room for me that included my Jeff. He is gone and it will never be the same. I have to give myself a good talking too and shape up. That is the only way I am going to get through this season. I have so much to be grateful for now that my husband has a break from the chemo. I do know that. I guess I am just feeling the exhaustion. Anyway, thank you to all for your support. Wish us luck tomorrow. Love, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Here is something that Carol Kearns mentioned her mother did for her after the loss of Krissie...thought I would post it.

....my mother had placed a small tree on a little table decorated in tiny white lights with an angel on the top, and a picture of Krissie with a vigil light below. She told me that that was the Krissie tree. I would never have thought of that myself, but it was perfect and very symbolic. Kristen was with us but separate. I couldn't believe how many times I caught myself staring at that tree. Funny how a little evergreen can comfort you and get you through a hard time....

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, for several years our small Museum held a fundraiser at Christmas time. Local boutiques and stores decorated Christmas Trees and they were displayed in the Museum for people to see. At a particular time they would auction off the trees and deliver them to your home. Oh, how I loved the holidays. Several weeks before our son died we decided to go to the Museum to look at the trees. There were two that I just could not take my eyes off of. One was a small table top tree that was decorated with tiny white lights and covered with miniature decorations of angels. The other was a lovely tree that was called Christmas in the Country. The auction was held around the 21 or the 22nd. of December. At that point Jeff had died. I was going through hell. Floating in a no mans land. But I remembered those trees. I told myself that I had one choice only. The decision I made at that time would reflect on how we celebrated Christmas for the rest of our lives. We put a bid in on the two trees that we loved. We got both! The small tree we took to the hospital to the small office where the Paramedics had their things. The other we proudly displayed in our sunroom overlooking the lake. It turned out that when the tree was delivered that it had been decorated by the funeral home that held Jeff's remains. We did not know that at the time. While it is still bittersweet to see these obvious reminders of a time spent in such a happy way...life goes on. It feels good to now that we were able to help others to bring a degree of happiness even in our grief. The Jeff tree that we decided to have placed in the Healing Garden is a constant reminder to me that my son lives on in spirit and his soul shines brightly for all to see. Patients and staff can enjoy it lit up and hopefully it will bring a feeling of happiness to all.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, that is a lovely, I am hoping to see Jeff's tree posted if you can...I often imagine the bench and envision what the view looks like from where you and Ross sit...remembering Jeff...and the path that leads the way...

Some of what you are posting, as I see it, are the emotions processing as you are counting down towards the 12th....we all have these moments...

My husband was having a super horrible day yesterday...not as bad today...it is a wild rollercoaster ride for sure...and those deep emotions of grief well up so unexpectedly at times....

....just thoughts....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

That is really beautiful. I would also love to see Jeff's tree.

I was thinking a lot tonight about ways to honor Trista for the holidays this year. At one point I thought I had it all figured out but have changed my mind a million times since then. I'm a planner. I feel like I have to have it all figured out ahead of time but it's not really working. Then tonight my Grandma approached me with an idea she had. She wants to invite friends and family to make an ornament of some type in honor of Tris. We will have a small tree that will be Trista's tree with all the decorations people make for her. She thought it would be a nice way to honor Trista and help us get through the holidays. I thought it was a really beautiful idea so I thought I'd share it. It's funny that she mentioned this with what Laurie posted from Carol Kearns. I will take that as a sign that this will be a good thing.

I have an appointment with the Prosecutor's tomorrow. I wonder if the build up to these things also pushes me into that pit I've been in.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, I' m so sorry that yesterday was a bad day for your husband. I'm very glad to see that today was slightly better. Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers. Shannon, I think your Grandma's idea is just perfect! A wonderful way to honor your girl and keep her a very real part of the special occasion.

[Mermaid Tears]

I just want to say 'thank you' for all that have given me...

a new direction...a new way....a new thought...another way....

Dee....you gave us another action to how to honor our John David...

Lora....you gave me another lift and sight to what we can do....out of the ruins...

Kate....you gave me a picture of a memorial tree....

Laurie....you gave me something...small...precious...

and Shannon....your Grama...gave me something that is so do-able for the grandchildren...

it is not only me....it is all of us...

I wish it could just be me...for then I would think in a different way....

but...I have them....

Jesse sent me an e-mail and song....just last night....

he said....after Wyatt was born....(he was born on December 14th)....that in the night he would rock and sway with Wyatt John to this song by Ray Lamontagne....'Are We Really Through'....and he would cry....'are we really through'.....

this brother...that thought he would have John David there...like John David was there for all the other GRANDchildren...and be ..that Uncle...for his child....is it really through...?? hard for him...hard for me to believe that John David will not be there for Wyatt John....

my other children grieve...I grieve....there has to be a place where I can help them....so...I will do all I can....of course...of course....like I say....this is not for a sissy....

[lovU2themoon]

"Wanda, how are you doing??|

having a few very bad days, cant seem to stop thinking about my Lane, maybe the protective numb bubble is getting weaker,

My doctor is away, and so is my grief counselor, that might be why this week is bad, and the weekend was too, who knows, maybe its just all part of all this

I think of you all on your journey, and read your posts.

I can hardly grasp it has been 3 months 2 weeks since i saw, or kissed his face, hugged him, when the most we had ever been separated was 4 days when he went to camp.

I just feel the heaviness in my chest every day.

Miss you my sweet sweet Lane.

I love you more than all the sand on the beach

More than all the stars in the sky

I love you too the moon and back.

[SamDsmom]

I feel that I need to write something now. My husband has been driving at night and I have a hard time sleeping so I have been alone inside my head for a couple of days now. I am have really been struggling to stay busy, but I find the bad thing about that is if I do get a moment with out Sam on my mind, it comes rushing back and feels like someone punched me in the stomach instead of that constant nauseas ache that is always present.

I have been reading all of your posts and I hope that soon I will be able to remember names and respond individually. Right now, I have such a hard time focusing. My husband and I are doing better right now. I have made a conscious effort to curb my anger. There is a huge part of me that longs to be alone or at least off the truck for awhile but that's not an option. This is something that I have considered since leaving after the funeral. I find myself picking up the phone to text my wonderful son just to talk him I love him. His birthday is just 14 days away. I am lost. I didn't know my heart could hurt so bad.

Thank you again to all who have responded to my posts.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sams Mom....you don't have to respond to any of our postings...we are a very wonderful..and wayford ..kind...

you just keep on with the keep on....everyone is unique...as your child is unique....do what you can...what you will...when you can...and when you will....all is well...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Gretchen, thank you so much! You for sure brought tears to my eyes, just knowing that someone else thinks of my son in that mother's way, of seeing something that represents them, and you think they might want. So sweet of you! Tell your husband, we are more than imaginary friends here. I have had more comfort and understanding from this group of friends than many that are physically around me. You are right, that in this 3rd year, we are faced more than before, with the reality that our boys are gone, while everyone around us has moved on. I will be thinking of you today, as you go to visit with Josh's family.

I got home very late last evening, and have this day to myself. Tomorrow I will be back at my parents, where the efforts are appreciated, but it takes so much out of me, both physically and emotionally; as some appointments I take them for, force me to drive past points where I have taken Jared, where memories linger... I don't speak of them to my parents, whose whole world has become prescription medicines, diet and bodily functions, and doctor's appointments. I understand when they comment about how useless they have become, and how they wish they could do more for themselves. I say the right things to bolster them and assure them that nobody minds helping them, but in my mind I am right there with them wishing the world would come to an end physically, as it already has for me emotionally.

Shannon, Laurie, & others that mentioned they liked my new profile picture of Jared, thank you! Sometimes I meltdown looking for pictures I haven't used yet. I scanned the whole of his birthyear, 1996, and posted on his memorial page sometime ago. I have the other years sitting here divided in plastic ziplock bags. I guess that scanning and posting them will pull me through the next days or weeks or years, however long it takes. I will do it, because it is part of what I need to do for me, whether anyone notices or not.

One from 1996,,,

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wanda, I know what it is to be in that very black pit...I will be posting a picture that helped me when I felt like I was dropping off a cliff emotionally...the picture was also on a bookmark my Grandmother kept in her bible for years...We all miss our children so much...saying Lane's name today...

Susan, your John David is still looking over the family in spirit...it is good we are able to help each other with the upcoming Christmas season...

Gretchen, you are in my prayers today...for strength and comfort..

Sam's Mom, like Susan just to read if you don't have any energy to post...it is good to hear that you were able to settle things down with your husband...

Dee, was thinking of you early this morning...wondering how you back is...and also just thinking of your son, his wife and the baby...

Becky, I have heard that about the second and third year...I have a niece by marriage that lost her half brother in a hiking accident on Mt Hood (Oregon) and it was the third year for them last Christmas...she said they were having a really hard time of it...

Sherry also thinking of you today...also how you said you care for your elderly mother...

Carol...sending you warm thoughts today...

[SamDsmom]

Today is a hard day. I feel like my heart is breaking. I went into the convenience store for a cup of coffee. The clerk asked me if I was okay and I had to leave before I burst into tears. I wanted to tell her no, nothing is okay anymore. Life is empty and hollow. But I told her trees and thank you and practically ran out. I called my sister. We talked about her new granddaughter, her church activities and the kIds. She never asked me how I was or mentioned Sam. It has only been 2 weeks. Mom is the same. They don't know that I wake up every Saturday morning at 4:08 am or that I am scared that if I ever feel better or sleep through my internal alarm he will some how slip away from me. That I have nightmares that if only I had. ..... (the scenarios are endless) or that everytime I get a little reprieve I hear my mother saying, "there has been a terrible accident, Sam's dead." I don't want to let go and I don't even think I want to feel better because then it will be real. AM I CRAZY?

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...you have such talent with the photos....love has a way of creating artist...you are in a labor of love with your parents...and I know they must look at each other every night and say..'We are so blessed to have our Becky'....I actually have 'friends'...well...maybe I should say 'I know some people'...I have known them for years...does not mean they are friends....half would go to the ends of the earth for their parents....half resent everything they need to do....I gently remind them of all their parents did for them...(for I was raised around them)..and it goes in one ear and out the other. I truly believe they are just miserable people anyway....the ones that are happy in all they do for their parents will be the ones....when they are gone...will know they left no stone unturned and will be able to carry forward. No regrets there....I wonder how the other half will be ? You mentioned you had sisters ...do you split up the day schedule? You mentioned you would be babysitting a friends newborn....is that still on the horizon? I just wish I lived closer to my 'new little man'....Wyatt John...but he is 2 1/2 hours away....with no heavy traffic.

How are you dealing with the holidays ahead ? I wish all of us could pole vault over the holidays and just land on our feet in January. Hope you get some rest and healing today....hey...did that toe heal ??

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sams Mom,

You are definitely not crazy and everything you described I can completely relate to. You have suffered the worst trauma any parent can ever imagine. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself all of your feelings because they are necessary. You are grieving and this is a long, hard road but hold on to us and share or read or whatever you need whenever you need. Don't worry about everyone's names. That will come in time. Just keep holding on to us. It's been almost six months for me and while I'm able to "function" a little more normal I still have times that I wonder if I'm going crazy. I'm not. Like you, I'm grieving the loss of my precious Child. Sending thoughts and prayers your way today.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Today is a hard day. I feel like my heart is breaking. I went into the convenience store for a cup of coffee. The clerk asked me if I was okay and I had to leave before I burst into tears. I wanted to tell her no, nothing is okay anymore. Life is empty and hollow. But I told her trees and thank you and practically ran out. I called my sister. We talked about her new granddaughter, her church activities and the kIds. She never asked me how I was or mentioned Sam. It has only been 2 weeks. Mom is the same. They don't know that I wake up every Saturday morning at 4:08 am or that I am scared that if I ever feel better or sleep through my internal alarm he will some how slip away from me. That I have nightmares that if only I had. ..... (the scenarios are endless) or that everytime I get a little reprieve I hear my mother saying, "there has been a terrible accident, Sam's dead." I don't want to let go and I don't even think I want to feel better because then it will be real. AM I CRAZY?

I have experienced much of what you wrote as a lot of the parents here too...I notice the date is a one month anniversary, it may be that your body and mind recognizes it and is reacting...

I still have a hard time going into the stores...and have had much of the same reaction especially at first...

It is so hard...saying prayers for you...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I wish all of us could pole vault over the holidays and just land on our feet in January.

I agree...

[shorty16]

Sam's Mom

You are not going crazy, you are grieving. Grieving the loss of a piece of yourself.

Your loss is so new.

Everything you wrote, I have done. The endless "What if's" and "should have, could haves" were my everyday for a while.

The movie that plays in our heads over and over and over again. I could not stop it.

Then I found this site. It has been over 5 years since my 16 year old son, Brian died in a senseless car crash.

A very wise man (on this site) said to me "Colleen, you will bang your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore." That, for me, was a long time until I had exhausted every other option in my head and finally forgave myself - for not being able to save Brian.

As parents, our job is to keep our kids alive. If we could trade places with out child, we would do it in a New York Minute!!! But we cannot.

You are about as crazy as the rest of us. Please be kind to yourself and share your child with us. We will sing their name loud and clear.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Susan, thanks for asking about my situation with the care of my parents. I am there more hours than anyone else right now, as the two sisters both work full time, so they get by when they can. My younger sister calls them everyday, and stops two or three nights per week to bring them a meal on her way home.

The baby I was supposed to babysit? Well, I had to tell her to find someone else, as I was the only one that could take the time to drive my parents for appointments, etc., during the day. I wasn't being paid anything for babysitting him, and just couldn't justify spending that amount of time per week taking care of him, with my parents in such dire need. The mom understood, but it was hard for me, as I had so wanted to spend time caring for that young beautiful baby boy... the best laid plans....

I haven't even had time to think about the holidays...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Colleen,

"A very wise man (on this site) said to me "Colleen, you will bang your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore." That, for me, was a long time until I had exhausted every other option in my head and finally forgave myself - for not being able to save Brian."

Thank you for sharing that. That's pretty much where I am at right now. Continually banging my head against the wall.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

I love Jared's baby picture. Such a sweet little boy. I have sorted all of Trista's pictures and have them in ziplock bags in her trunk labeled according to date, age, event, etc. I'm working too on getting them all in digital form. It helps me too to work on those and relive the memories as I do. I'm glad you have some time to yourself today. You are taking on so much taking care of your parents. I'm sure they are so thankful to have you.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Colleen,

"A very wise man (on this site) said to me "Colleen, you will bang your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore." That, for me, was a long time until I had exhausted every other option in my head and finally forgave myself - for not being able to save Brian."

Thank you for sharing that. That's pretty much where I am at right now. Continually banging my head against the wall.

Shannon

Yes, that quote stood out to me as well...

[Mermaid Tears]

So true Colleen....it took me a long time to realize my Mother's Love did not have that power..how strong and invincible I thought I was....

losing John David has been the hardest part in my human journey...

and the most humbling....

As Dee has said...that moment changed us forever....

How many times I have said...'I miss Me'....that Susan is gone forever....

and now I am in this 'cocoon' and changing..changing..changing...

like the Phoenix that rises from the ashes...transformed...

Sams Mom.....you are being too hard on yourself...remember...you must be very gentle with yourself...you say you need to be alone.....that is normal....

in fact...you are not abnormal....you are simply 'in mourning'....

wrap yourself in a blanket...comfort yourself....cry and sob til you are spent....tears are a way to grieve...

many on this site did the same thing....how many times did I leave a shopping basket half full and simply had to leave the store...sobbing...how many times I had to hang up the phone...how many times I had to leave a social event..'very early'.....and even now....many will tell you that we still aren't social....Dee is the one that gave me permission to politely say "No Thank you"....or 'Not now, thank you'.....I call it cocooning....just stay put....it is ok.....the world will still spin....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Becky,

I love Jared's baby picture. Such a sweet little boy. I have sorted all of Trista's pictures and have them in ziplock bags in her trunk labeled according to date, age, event, etc. I'm working too on getting them all in digital form. It helps me too to work on those and relive the memories as I do. I'm glad you have some time to yourself today. You are taking on so much taking care of your parents. I'm sure they are so thankful to have you.

Shannon

Thanks, Shannon! I have done all the 'what ifs' and the 'whys' many times over along this journey, and sometimes, when I look at his young pictures, I will even cry and regret ever having to have spanked him for anything! For as sweet and loving as he could be most times, Jared was hard headed, and as a teenager, more so, and too big to spank at that point! I did yell at him sometimes, and once I backhanded him in his shoulder as he rode with me in the van, as I was soo frustrated at some of his behavior; not answering his phone right away, when I was trying to locate him or not being where he was supposed to be at the prearranged time for me to pick him up.... We had tried the taking of privileges to no avail. That night that I lost my temper and hit him, I told him that with my health issues (diabetes, nerve damage in feet and back, Cervical issues from a head on collision, hand problems with the trigger finger on both hands that required surgery) and then the worry of not knowing where he was at times, was driving me crazy, and that he was killing me!

I think of those moments and I cry, wishing I had been stronger and been able to be more understanding. I did tell him that night riding home in the van, that I nagged him and was hard on him because I loved him so much, and that I worried about something bad happening to him one of these times when he was out and about, without my knowledge of where he was, and not answering his phone. I told him if anything happened to him that I would not want to go on living. (did the devil hear me say that??) I let him see my tears roll that night, as I spoke to him, which was not something I normally would do. I looked over at him, and saw a tear run down his cheek, and his lip quiver, and I felt that I had gotten through to him. He told me that night that he was sorry for worrying me, and that he would do better, and he did.

That was a couple of months before we lost him. He had started calling me to come pick him up at a sensible time, and was quick to answer his phone or text me back right away. We were in a good place when this horrible crash that took his life happened, and that is why I knew that night, as I stood texting and calling him over and over, standing there in the road where the workers had the road blocked, I knew when he didn't answer me, that something was wrong, but I think I just didn't want to believe it.

I still don't.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm struggling right now with all those would of, should of, could ofs. I know it's part of this. I also know that our Children know how much we love them and that everything we ever did was because of love. This is so hard.

I had an meeting with the Prosecutor today and I'm so tired. The other girl who was involved in the accident that took Trista's life has started an online petition for a traffic light to be installed. So far she has close to 200 signatures. Many of them local people who drive that intersection every day. I don't know how much good a petition will do but it's a start and if nothing else will maybe allow her to feel some support that will help in her healing.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/grinnell-and-clifton

Thinking of all tonight.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

I think that we all go through the I wish I never said...to my Child. The thing is, what we said in times of frustration or anger at our Kids, was a lesson that they needed to learn, certainly had we known there was little time, we would have done so many things differently, but would our Children have loved their lives as much? The point is, our Kids for the most part, lived their lives fully, and they died young. I have mourned the years that I feel I wasted when the kids were young and I dated someone that they disliked. I can't get that back and fix it, I apologized to both Jon and Eri for taking so long to see the light. Aside from apologizing for some of what we do, there is little else. As parents, we do what seems best at the time.

I do not believe our kids died because God wanted them, but instead, God has a place for All, no matter when they leave and so our Kids found that place, and we will meet them when we are supposed to in that same place. Simplistic? Yes I do think so, but I do believe.

Busy busy couple of days and we babysat this eve so I am off to bed. Thanks for asking Laurie, the family is doing nicely. Erica Elizabeth is a beautiful Love.