Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Trista's Mom

Brian's 17 birthday was 7-12-2008, he died 6-19-2008. All I remember from that day is knowing I could not be home. We went to my sister in laws farm and I sat in the truck and cried.

It amazes me how you can reach out to others when your own loss is so new.

My Brian is showing your Trista the ropes in heaven. Brian was a funny kid. I am sure these 2 and the other angels on this site have found each other through us ... Or the other way around.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Colleen,

Most of the time it's just me and my four year old. I don't have family near me and I've not met many people where I live. I have my Zak, who's fourteen but he has his own life and friends and definitely doesn't need to be holding his Momma up...although he tries sometimes. I'm a stay at home mom too so I don't have interaction with others that way either. When I came here I received so much support from everyone. I don't have people around me who I can share the remember whens and just talk about Tris or how I'm feeling. So, I come here and always someone "talks" with me. Sometimes just sharing stories with all of you gets me through the night. I've had so many days and nights that I'm not sure how I will make it. I come here and it helps so much. I try to give back some of what everyone gives me. I don't usually have the words because this is all so fresh for me but I try. I've come to think of everyone here as kind of "extended family" even though I haven't been here long. Thank you for your kind words. That is a thought that helps me, Trista and Brian and all of our Angels together. On Trista's Birthday I had her friends here for a campout but yes, it's all a blur. I just remember the pain.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....for where you are on this journey...'this is just about as good as it gets'...

hang on with both hands....

[tobyfreefoot]

shannon--i really enjoyed talking to you in the middle of the night. it is so nice to have someone out there to chat with even if it is just to share stories, but knowing you understand the pain and the need to talk about our kids and our grief. i know the kids here would all really enjoy each other. we raised nice kids. that is probably why we are here because the kind of parents we are and kind of kids we have. it definitely stands out that our indigo children are the cream of the crop.

kate--i know jeff was cream of the crop. i think all our kids were. jeff's tattoo sounds just like him. i also went to the buddist temple for awhile, you know me, always searching, i often think jeff's tender heart and eyes that saw the sad side of life caused him a lot of his despair and depression. remember that line "this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" that always comes to my mind when i think of jeff's death think of your family often and hope for the best.

lora--i never thought of waterproofing. i bought some ornaments that are very weather resistant so that is a really good idea thanks

wade--omg if you have the energy never hesitate to share your pain and heartwrenching sadness with us. we all get it and mourn your loss with you. this site has literally saved my life. i could not have survived this far without a place to scream and cry and be heard by those that don't flinch but hold fast to my hand in love and understanding.

dee, sherry, carol, becky, betsy and many others i can never thank you enough for the help you have given me.

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Gretchen, how lovely. Thank you for those lovely words about Jeff. We just arrived back home from a few hours out Christmas shopping. I have to say that my spirit was just not in it. We were both drained, but knew we had to keep pushing forward. The decorations and lights are everywhere now. People in the county up here turn their lights on early, as it gets dark so early. December 12th. is etched forever in my mind. Many days I feel as if I have lost heart and try to keep positive for Ross. The changing of the seasons always has me heading towards a downward spiral. Shannon, I too am or at least was a stay at home Mom for quite some time. I filled my time doing volunteer work in various areas. We left the city to live up at our country place a few years back when things turned for us during a recession. I have to say that being so close to nature is what many days appears to give me the only peace I can find. I have come to take pleasure in whatever comes in small ways. And some days are actually pretty good. They do get better...honestly they do. This terrible feeling of emptiness will slowly begin to fade to more of a gentle acceptance and knowledge that life does continue. That your Tris will be waiting for you with wide open arms one day and the joy you will feel will be something words cannot describe. Susan...how are you? I hesitate to mention names as I have a terrible memory when I am stressed and hate to think of leaving anyone out. So please know that each and every one of the people that I have spoken to on this site over these past few years will always remain in my heart and I am forever grateful for your kindness in reaching out to me when it got tough. Dee, nice to hear you enjoyed a lovely Sunday. Wish I could go into lock down with Fall weather. Well, the lake is quite rough today. The waves are just pounding against the shore and the grey sky is quite heavy. I am going to turn on our lights tonight. You could land a 747 on the property it is so lit up. Ross's glory! He reminds me of Chevy Chase in that Christmas movie. Speaking of which Tom Hanks was exceptional last night. Really worth seeing. Sending prayers and warm wishes. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, love the tattoo story, what a dearheart Jeff was to sweat through the meal before he could tell you, show you.

Shannon, love that tattoo Trista's friend has now.

When Eri was in the hospital those 6 days in Kalamazoo, over 80 people went to the three tattoo parlors and got tattoos. Most were Chinese characters for laughter with E.E.R. next to it, her initials, and some said beauty, Jon's said Sister and Eri's name. I did not go, I did not leave the hospital but once during that time. I do however wear a necklace that is a silver circle that says Beautiful Daughter in Chinese with E.E.R next to it. I have had it on since the 6 month anniversary of Eri's leaving. It is on me all the time, only off when I have had to have surgeries.

[Mermaid Tears]

Today.....is my Grama's Birthday..Essie Boone Kemp..she was born in 1900.....so today I have spent in memory.....thanking her for giving me her sense of humor...and the stamina to carry forward....I wish everyone could have had an 'Essie'.....

Kate....I did not know your 'SONshine' boy died from suicide....I have been 'pondering' on it for a couple of days.....and will post 'what I think with my heart' later.....you are never far from my 'sending out prayers'.....

Many of you are in my forever circle of friends....you have helped me in ways I cannot describe....only feel in my heart....and my heart speaks another language...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Gretchen and Shannon, had to smile about the Boss and Teacher stories…I will have to share one of Jesse’s short stories he had started during his senior year…

Jesse Short Story

"It was the May of 2001, ’tis the month of graduating high school seniors. Ah yes, I was among those who were to be finally free of the shackles of that institution. I remember sitting in school on those final hot spring days, my legs aching, feeling as if there was a huge ball of energy ready to explode within me. My senior year by far was the best out of all the years spent at high school.

But before I close that chapter in my life, first I will tell you some of what happened that school year. I was 18 right before school started which meant I could write my own excuses, I used that privelige to its fullest extent…."

Jesse loved being outdoors so the school environment or even just being inside felt very confining to him…he was very much into the alternative living like what is featured in Mother Earth News…trying to figure out ways to use solar power, which he powered his whole trailer home with at one time…

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Susan, your Grama Essie wisdom shows through in what you share, …I read it many times over…it is a way of looking at things that I would not have thought about before…Also, Happy Heavenly Birthday to Grama Essie...

Kate, I am glad you had a fairly decent day…we are just going to quietly go through the holidays…I echo what Gretchen said about your Jeff, and his sensitive spirit…he was there for others, showing kindness to them…so many people ignore the hurt and lonely…it is good to hear your other son is coming for a visit…

Wade, please share what you need to…it is the one place I have been able to share my innermost pain and even some of the shocking details, this “family” has helped me in ways that no one else could have and still do …

Cara, "I really have no concept of time, every day is just another day without her…"

…I never imagined living the rest of my life without Jesse, it still spends me into a spiral so I only try to make it though the day…which is probably why my time feels so distorted…or I am constantly dodging significant days/times, since those moments are such triggers…I know the lead up days to Jesse's birthday were like some kind of countdown...

Wanda, thinking of you tonight...

Colleen, your story about going to your SIL, the first trip away from home I took to my SIL's, it was pretty tough, she was gracious though about my meltdowns...her own sister had passed away not long before Jesse whom she was very close to so she understood...

Dee, your necklace sounds very lovely and that you have worn it since six months from Eri's passing really stuck with me...

I posted this a while back but am sharing again....I have been wearing the wristband I found in Jesse's college folder after he passed...he was not one to wear this kind of stuff (just not him) but for some reason he had two wristbands in the colors of heaven, light blue and white...on them is the word strength...I wear it alot, may have to eventually retire it...

Becky, I really liked the poem you posted the other day, you are so gifted with this...also, thanks for responding to my meltdown yesterday...

And to everyone else as well who have held my hand in some of my blackest moments....

May post more tonight...I think it is going to be restless for me...if I don't wishing everyone a decent evening...

[Mermaid Tears]

loved that short story from your Jesse.....

yes...he was a child from 'before he was born'....sometimes I have always felt like I was 'born too late'...but that is another story....your Jesse...my John David....should have been born on the Mountain Men time....maybe they are there in the mountains..in the forests...in the trees....on the paths...where when they look up ...they see leaves and sky so blue...

Wade....just put it all out there for us....you don't have to be 'nice'....you can cry before us in your postings....we know you weep and wail for your son....it is just as it should be...and we are here just as we should be....we weep and wail, too.....cry...sling snot....let it roll down your face....we are here for you and others....just as we all are ...have been...will be....we aren't a pretty group at times....we aren't a 'get-it-all-together' group....as Dee says....We just get it....we know....let us hear....

Lora....am hanging on to you....as you hung on to me....and I so...so...needed you...am here...

[lovU2themoon]

My sister came to my house tonight, it seems she is having a tough time too, i don't think she thinks she should be grieving as much as she is.

I told her of course she should. Lane was a huge part of all our lives, she kept telling me how sad she feels, so we cried together, and talked about Lane and how much we missed him.

It was so hard, but he is missed so much and as a family we need to come together to get thru this.

i am incredibly drained, exhausted. Grief is so draining, and crying the ugly cry numerous times over my Lane.

Thinking of you all tonight. and sending prayers.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

I'm glad you and your sister were able to make that connection. It helps to have someone to hold on to. My Sis is farther away and she grieves so differently. She and Tris were so very close but she has never been really open about her emotions. We talk about Tris but always happy memories. I need that too so that's something. It's hard though always trying to keep my "I got this" face on for other people. This is an exhausting journey. Thinking of you.

Susan,

Thank you for your encouragement, always. This is so hard. Just from the stories and nuggets of wisdom you've shared since I've been here, your Grama Essie sounds like such an amazing Spirit.

Laurie,

I love Jesse's short story. My company is a renewable energy company. We started our as just an HVAC/plumbing company but had a vision to incorporate renewable energy. My Zak helped drive this vision. He's taking a sustainable agriculture course right now and is into a lot the same thinking as Jesse. He calls himself a minimalist at fourteen and it's hard to get him to let me buy him even a new pair of shoes before he completely wears out the pair her has. I remember when you posted about finding the bracelets. A gift for you from your Boy, who loves you so, to remind you that you are strong.

Dee,

Such a beautiful tribute to Eri... all those people carrying her name. I have a bracelet Trista made for me. She loved to do things with beads. It was soothing thing for her and all of her friends and close family have a "Trista bracelet". Mine is pink and blue and says "Mommy". In her jewelry box I found that she had made one for Aiden too. I will have that to give him when he gets big enough not to lose it. I never take mine off either.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday was one of those days where the exhaustion just overtook me. I didn't move around a whole lot. I showered and changed into fresh pj's and that was the most motivated I got. My husband was doing some things with the boys yesterday and so I had a day to rest and I really needed that. He is doing well. He's been much stronger and more available to me and the boys and in a way has given me permission to fall apart a little and I needed that too. I just have felt so pushed along by life in all of this. He's even started to share some of his feelings about Trista with me.

Wishing some comfort and peace today for all.

Shannon

[Julia's Mom]

Could use some help getting connected with those of you here. I lost my 29 year old daughter on March 15, 2013. I see that there are others here who have even newer losses. But I am sorry for all the losses that we each have here.

I just need to connect with other parents who have lost a child, and not feel so alone. I am going to start by reading the posts and connect to you.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dru,

You've found a good place to connect with others who understand this loss. I'm so sorry about the loss of you daughter, Julia. This place has been a blessing to me and everyone here very supportive and understanding as they are all dealing with this loss as well. Please share and post or just read as you need and want. Please share your Julia with us as you feel ready.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Julia's Mom.....I am so sorry to hear of your loss....and yes...there are many on this site that shares the common thread of grief....in the loss of their child....and when I say 'child'...they are still your child if they passed when they were 2- 16- 40 - 50 years old...we are all parents...who grieve and mourn. I think this site has been a life line to me...when my human ship was going down for the last time....we are all in different spots on the journey of grief....some have been on the journey and site for 10 years....some 5 years....some 5 months...some 5 days.....please tell us about your daughter and about how you have been doing. We have no 'real' answers.....but we do have hearts and hands that reach out to others with support and caring. We are sorry you had to find this site....but know you are not alone.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....so glad that your husband is giving you some time to rest and heal....and that he is stronger and able to give you his support....it really makes my heart smile for you.

[ericasmom]

Wanda, I too am happy that your Sis came to you and that she said what she said, my sisters have grieved with me and around me and I am grateful for their support and the show of love for ERICA. They continue to share stories of Eri ten years later and share in all that is Eri.

It is so good that she could tell you what she did, starting the conversation is so important. I think some think that they have to be strong for us, but realize that it helps us to see that they miss our Child too, that our Child made and makes a difference in their lives.

Susan, your welcome to Julia's mom is perfect, so caring and so dear. Julia's Mom, I echo what Susan has shared, we are a group of parents united in keeping our Child's story alive through sharing our hearts. We all come to realize that there are not many places we can be as honest and open as we are here, nobody thinks we should be over it by now, we get it, we will never get over the loss of our Children, but we do get through it and we carry it with us into the rest of our lives. I promise that you can be happy again but the loss of Julia will always be with you, so will her life, her love. I have been here for 10 years, I sure do understand as everyone here does. Tell us what you can when you can.

Peace All--oh Shannon, I am glad that you were able to rest and that your Boys had time with their dad. Good for everyone.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dru, I am also so very sorry to hear of your loss. I look forward to hearing about Julia when you are feeling up to it. Wanda...that is so nice that you were able to connect with your sister in this way. It is a great start in getting things out on the table and helps the grieving process along. Shannon, that is really helpful that your husband is able to give you that much needed break. Taking whatever time you need to absorb all that you have been through is vital. Sherry, hope things are well for you. Susan, thanks for your reply.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thanks Susan and Dee. I'm hopeful. That's all I really have right now so I'm holding on.

I read an article today about the "illusion of time". It was physics so I can't say I really get it but it talked about the theory that time is an illusion and all moments in time are really existing simultaneously. If that's true than somewhere in the Universe I am holding my newborn Trista, watching her take her first steps, sending her off to her first day of school, and living all those moments I had with her here. Somewhere in the Universe I am already reunited with her. I don't know... like I said I don't really understand that concept from a scientific place but somehow it gives me a little comfort today.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Julia's Mom, I a truly sorry for the loss of your dear daughter...I read in your profile, "stunned, just stunned"..to lose your child is such a horror, our brain may tell us the "facts" but our heart denies...like everyone else has said, this has been a good place to come and share these intense feelings of loss...

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Shannon, it was good to hear that your husband is trying to find ways to be supportive for you...and give you a little time to yourself to rest...thanks for your comments on Jesse's story...I thought it was interesting that your Zak is into that type of stuff, and is also a minimalist...

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Susan, so very well said....

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Dee, I too have a sister that grieved with me...she bought the angel statue that is at Jesse's grave site and also I have a beautiful indoor angel she gave me...meaning to take a picture of it and share...

The indoor angel has a story...When I had first looked for an angel statue, I saw this at the Holy Hill Store at Holy Hill Church in Hubertus WI, this spot is known for healing and miracles even before the church was erected...I should say while I am not Catholic, I just look for things that have a spiritual significance for me to carry me through...anyways my sister bought this angel, and when it arrived I found out that it is Micheal the archangel...I did research on this and found out he is considered an angel to help the dead with their journey to heaven...

Also when my sister bought it, the sales lady when she found out what it was for, went and got a priest to bless it...then when my sister went to the special healing room they have at this church to put out a candle for Jesse, exactly at that time an impromptu service was held for the deceased...

My sister's fiance who has attended this church for many years said that he has never seen a service like that conducted in the healing room...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

The story of your Angel is beautiful. Trista has a little fairy that she loved. She kept it by her bed. The fairy's name is Iris. I planned to plant irises in her garden representing her fairy. My aunt ended up sending some for Trista that had been taken from my great grandmothers garden. I'm very into symbolism so when I looked up the symbolism of irises I found that Iris was the Goddess responsible for helping female souls cross over the Heaven.

When I say Zak calls himself a minimalist I should clarify that extends to everything except electronics. The child sees no reason why a person shouldn't own three laptops so they can play games, watch a movie, and whatever else all at once but can't see why anyone would own more than a couple of shirts and pants and one pair of shoes. He's very into sustainability and renewability though and wants to live as "off the grid" as possible. He will definitely need a lot of solar power to power all his electronics.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie,

The story of your Angel is beautiful. Trista has a little fairy that she loved. She kept it by her bed. The fairy's name is Iris. I planned to plant irises in her garden representing her fairy. My aunt ended up sending some for Trista that had been taken from my great grandmothers garden. I'm very into symbolism so when I looked up the symbolism of irises I found that Iris was the Goddess responsible for helping female souls cross over the Heaven.

When I say Zak calls himself a minimalist I should clarify that extends to everything except electronics. The child sees no reason why a person shouldn't own three laptops so they can play games, watch a movie, and whatever else all at once but can't see why anyone would own more than a couple of shirts and pants and one pair of shoes. He's very into sustainability and renewability though and wants to live as "off the grid" as possible. He will definitely need a lot of solar power to power all his electronics.

Shannon

Your Zak is exactly like Jesse, he had many many computers including a ugly laptop that had a operating system in Japanese...

You will have to get a picture of Trista's fairy...put it online...I liked that you have flowers from your great-grandmother in the garden...the continuation of a legacy..

[Mermaid Tears]

Makes my heart smile to hear your child's stories....and all the side stories that make up the fabric of our lives....and those that sustain you...will sustain me....Essie once told me 'that I would be able to get through all the BIG things....it will just be all those 'itty-bitty' things that will trip me up'.....and now I find that I am swapping out many events...certain people...certain priority items....and exchanging them for 'My List of Meaningful Choices'.....to go along with ME...as I am now....I feel like even my DNA has changed....and I am still in transformation....so I don't know what I will really be like.

This 'change' is the 'that was then...this is now'.....I will not be changed back to the person I was....my eyes are so open...I do have another way of seeing now.....I think all parents have to rise from the ashes when they lose a child to carry on.

Dee...did you post photos ? If so, I missed them.....

Here it is...November....and like most on this site.....already dreading the journey and march to and through the holidays...so thankful I have all of you that can relate with me on this.....

I already have family...asking...'What to do'.....

Wanda....such a comfort to have someone to cry with....my sister lost her husband 4 years ago....she told me that dealing with John David's passing is just so hard for her. It is good to have that shoulder to cry on...that hand to hold...your Boy just oozes sweetness and goodness. What a smile he could shine on the world.

So....last year...I went through the holidays on auto-pilot....this year...I am running into a blank wall....so.....

I am asking those of you....what did you do....and what plans do you have...any suggestions on how to 'get through' it...my thoughts are very immature...for...I was thinking I feel about the holidays like I did when I was young....let the grown-ups take care of it all.....but....I am the grown-up.....and have family...GRANDchildren that need the traditions..and merriment...laughter...decorations...baking....shopping...wrapping...singing carols...making the cookies..Church programs...Christmas stroll...etc....

I wish it were July.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

I'm dreading the holidays already. I keep telling myself it's only the beginning of November but everywhere the decorations are out already... Were before Halloween. Halloween was so heartbreaking that I can't even begin to imagine the rest of the holidays. I've been thinking, maybe, I will do things completely different. I can't and won't skip it, obviously, for the boys although if it were an option for me I might very strongly consider it. Aiden is only four though and hasn't had a chance to have any traditions really ingrained in him and Zak is my go with the flow kid. I might see how he feels about doing things differently this year (although I have no idea what that means). I just don't know. I'd like to hear things others have done to help with this time.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

The Holidays...

We are planning on keeping it simple, my husband's brother and his wife are coming up for Thanksgiving but we are just planning on a nice meal, no regular Thanksgiving meal...

Christmas, as I have older kids will also be simple...some presents for the two grandchildren...nothing elaborate though...

But your family might get strength by keeping up some of the tradition, so what ever gives you the most for this season I would say is the best option. Just my opinion....

[Julia's Mom]

Thank all of you who welcomed me to the site. I logged on months ago, but actually found it confusing. Wasn't sure how to connect. Now, I'm in a clearer frame of mind.

The holidays are going to be difficult for each of us in each our own way.

My daughter Julia was 29 and had gotten married six weeks before she died. We were riding a wave of joy, excitement and happiness for her. She had completed a Master's degree in Economics two years before and had been working for a company that she really liked and who were talking of promoting her, so that part of her life was in such a positive place.

She had some minor cold or flu off and on for a few weeks, and she seemed to be managing, but it was flu season. She got home from work on a Wednesday and told her husband that she had felt dizzy during the day, so went to bed early. The next day stayed home from work but called her husband to take her to an Urgent Care. She was having problems breathing; they sent her to the ER and she was put on a ventilator and determined that her organs were failing, and she'd need to be on kidney dialysis too, so they admitted her to the ICU.

Her husband called us as they admitted her to the ICU on Thursday night. We didn't understand what was happening and flew down on Friday morning. The doctor said she was being treated for Septic Shock, but said she was young, previously healthy and she'd probably be in the ICU for days to a week before she would be transferred to another floor. Julia went into cardiac arrest about 2 pm. They revived her, but throughout the afternoon her heart kept stopping and they repeatedly kept at the resuscitation for hours. She didn't make it and we were with her when her body stopped working. I was in shock from watching the CPR for hours. It just seemed so unreal. She died before she had been in the ICU for 24 hours.

They have never been able to identify what caused the sepsis. I am going to be talking to the doctor again on Friday as they did a thorough review of Julia's case.

It is just unreal to lose your child. I still feel in shock, although not like those first early months. I have a loving husband and three other grown children, but as you know nothing or anyone can replace any child.

I want to provide love and support to my other children, but you probably all know how hard it is. We're attending a Compassionate Friends group. Trying to manage the awful pain and give myself room to grieve too.

Thank you all for reading this. I just need to connect with others who know what this is like.

[ericasmom]

Julia's Mom, what sorrow, what shock. My goodness how fast this illness took your Julia. It sounds as though you have a handle on the reality of this road you are on, that you need time and space to grieve however you must and that each family member will have to do the same but you are going to CF for some support. When Erica died 10 years ago, I found this site at around the 6 month mark and also began going to therapy. Both this place and therapy helped me find my next steps and prior to that, I knew that I needed to find a way to manage my day to day. I did not want anyone else to manage my days, any control I thought I had was stripped from me when the train hit my Daughter's car. I am a realist and knew that I did not need to ask why this happened to Erica, why she had to leave, my questions were mainly, how. How were we going to find ways to live and breathe and walk again...how would we honor Erica in what we did, how would we find the light that Erica would so dearly want us to find...So in my life since Erica left, I found out how. It is a long road to that and as individual as a snowflake for each of us. I do know however that eventually we learn how to let the light of our Child shine and we take them with us everywhere we go, and we will never forget them, that we need not worry about forgetting. Take your time and be kind to yourself. I am glad that you found us.

To All, As you face this first set of holidays just be kind to yourself. Since Erica died, I have gotten on train the day after Thanksgiving and gone to see the Lions at the Art Institute get their wreaths. It has become a new tradition and one that makes me warm inside. A way to join in with a crowd of strangers and feel the energy all around.

For me, I just could not have a tree that year that Erica died, and as it turns out, never a tree again but for year 6 after she died. And while it was fun to go get that tree with my Son, it fell down the day after Christmas which made me laugh as I HATED DECORATIONS MORE THAN A WEEK IN FRONT OF A HOLIDAY AND NOT MORE THAN A FEW DAYS FOLLOWING...so I figured Erz was at work there. The hardest thing for me though, was putting all the ornaments away again. Packing up a life that no longer was here adn so I choose not to put up a tree because it hurts too much to take it down. Maybe as my Grandgirl grows, but maybe not.

I also purchase more for those in need. I have always adopted a family for the holidays, my kids used to help me shop for little ones whose families could not afford gifts, so they always had a handle on this too. My class adopts a family each year, usually two kids and a Mom, but then I go out and do a few more individuals, kids from a local foster care center, kids whose names hang on a tree in the grocery with their needs and wants on the ornament...

At New Year, I write down my hopes and my worries and go out after midnight and burn them into them releasing both the good and the not good to the crisp and cold night. Little things that are different than when Erica was here.

For some changing it all is important, while others feel it is deeply important to keep the rituals as they were. NO matter which way, make sure that you honor your heart in this matter. In doing so, you will honor your Child.

Shannon, yes, somewhere in time you are welcoming Trista to the world, those energies never go away, whether that is physics or mysticism, once something occurs, it is forever a piece of the world.

[Mermaid Tears]

Was in memory...thank you, Dee....you always have a way to speak to me...through the screen...

Was remembering....when I was a child....both Grama's...Essie...and my Grama Eldridge...never...ever...decorated the tree until Christmas Eve....we could start...and then would go to church...come back...and it would be done....the festival would then begin...when I was around 14....Essie started decorating her tree a week before Christmas...the family...her family...sons....lived away....many events would be happening...and then....she would decorate her tree two weeks before Christmas....but Grama Eldridge kept the Christmas Eve decorating always....

now it seems to be a 'free for all' and Christmas music playing in Walmart shopping for Halloween candy....

I simply have to carve away what is 'mine' and what isn't mine...

the old saying...'Don't throw the baby out with the dirty bath water' comes to mind...don't throw what is precious....with what is expendable...

Oh Dee....I hope I find the ground I walk on is firm...thank you for holding on here....while we walk on quicksand....you have given me 'food for thought'.....I know I will have to lead my grandbabies...and adult children....I know they will follow my lead....I want it to be a good direction...

[ChristyD]

Hi, I'm Matt's mom. My son passed away December 19, 2012 of liver decease brought on by Alcoholism. He was 34 years old. It is hard for me to say he was an alcoholic. It is hard to even imagine that my wonderful kind son died because he couldn't stop drinking. His birthday would be November 7 and then the holidays start and it all seems surreal. Thanks for all of the posts about the holidays. I have a daughter and grandchildren who expect and deserve a good holiday, but like many of you, I would just as soon let these days go by with no acknowledgement.

My daughter and her family are living with me right now she is still really angry with her brother. She deals with her grief in silence. My husband and I are divorced so there really aren't a lot of people for me to talk to about this horrible pain. By reading everyone's post I have learned that I will survive. Thanks to all of you for sharing

[Mermaid Tears]

Christy D....I am so sorry for the loss of your son....and guess what....my birthday is the same as his...November 7th.....

I lost my son, John David.....on Aug.3, 2012......

you have come to a good place....this has been my life line...when I thought my human boat was going down for the last time....

I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child....

and it is hard....the hardest thing I have ever had to do.....

many on this site have been here for 10 years.....5 years.....5 months....5 days.....

it doesn't matter if your child was 2 or 10 or 16 or 22 or 40 or 50......they are still your child...

we come here to help and support each other....we have 'no answers'....we can give you a hand up.....we can give you our support and kindness....

we can also let you grieve and mourn....

all of us are sorry you had to find this site.....but you will not be alone....

[Mermaid Tears]

Holidays...are...hard....

[wgreenlee]

Julia's Mom…my prayers for you on this difficult journey. This site has been so important to me this last month or so. I am profoundly sad for your loss, but happy that you found us and hopefully we can help you in your "new normal" as we call it. We are all here to share our beautiful children with each other. We are also here to share your sorrow and your triumphs. I would love to hear about Julia if you want to share her life. I will tell you about my son, Brooks, as well. I am almost done with a slideshow I'm creating for all of our angels, but would love to add some photos of Julia if you post them. It would be my honor.

Dee…I am already having trouble thinking of Christmas and what to do. Since it's just Renea and I now, Christmas might be a time to do "our own thing." I know we're going to be involved with Shauna and her kids this year, but I hope she will move on eventually and find someone like Brooks to be good to her and her children. Not sure how long she will want us in her life. Makes me sad because that was so much a part of Brooks, but life must go on for her too. Renea and I are traveling to MN and WI to be with our families this Christmas. Just can't handle something that should be so special alone.

Shannon…Oh, how I understand your pain. I almost slept with Brooks on Halloween. Needed that connection so badly. My prayers will be with you this Holiday season. Wish I could offer you more, but I don't quite know what to do either. I guess we have to make new traditions that still honor our children, but help us too. Just don't know… It sounds like Zak is becoming quite the mature, young man and I am happy for that. And the pictures of Aiden always make me smile. Like looking at Brooks when he was that age.

Laurie…I think you are right about how traditions can give us strength. Hopefully others will also share what they are planning on doing. Brooks would have loved having Jessie as a friend. He always wanted to know more about outdoor stuff and fixing things. I grew up on a farm and I think Brooks would have loved it. So many good memories… We were given those rubber wristbands when we went to the Compassionate Friends meeting last week. Haven't put my on…I am a little afraid of the reaction I would have at school when the kids would most certainly ask me about it so I haven't worn it yet. The tears still come so easily.

Susan…I like your thoughts on the "list of meaningful choices." Everything has changed so drastically and I guess I have to get on with it a little. Just wish I could get a little clarity. But I do know that there are choices that will help me…and choices that will not help me. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish. Also looking forward to others' thoughts on the Holidays. And Happy Birthday…Essie Boone Kemp. May your memories continue forever and strengthen Laurie.

Wanda…I am praying for you. Whenever I think about Lane I think of the kisses you and your daughter gave him in one of the photos you shared. Makes me smile and continually reminds me of the good times we all had with our children. There have been a few times lately when the emotions just build up and my crying just pours out…shoulders shaking. But most times now I find that crying just seems to release something in me and I just let the tears roll down my face no matter where I am. Then I wipe them away and find I can function again. I hope that you can find that as well.

Kate…You are so right that this place helping in the grieving process. Last week I thought I was just going to lose it with everything going on…don't think I mentioned that my mom lost her sister two week's ago and then she was in the hospital this week…but anyway…I didn't get on here very much and things just built up. I hope that eventually I can be the one helping others on here, but I know now that I need you guys so much. Just writing now is helping me cope. Thank you for everything you do to help us who are new to these feelings.

Had something happen today that I don't know is good or bad. Had a meeting with the principal, parent, and a new boy today. Learned he accidentally shot his friend this last summer. He moved to our district to get away from the situation. When this came up he started to cry and the room just got quiet. So I mentioned the situation with my son, which of course shocked the parent. But we talked some stuff out and I hope he stays with me. I hope I can help him. That would honor Brooks. Sadness everywhere it seems. Didn't notice it so much before...

And now I need to eat…haven't all day. Gotta get straight with that. Just doesn't seem so important I guess, even though I know it is. Oh, well...

Love you all and thank you for your thoughts over the last week. My prayers for you are always on my lips.

Wade

[Sholl1955]

Everyone here is right. Holidays are so very hard. I was hoping it would be easier this year. Last year if felt as though we got through the holidays in a daze, going through the motions, because that is what we have always done. After getting through the month of October with all of the pink ribbon awareness emphasis everywhere you looked,. (Not a bad thing, but very painful), the coming of the holidays seem in some ways even harder than last year. I see it in all of the family including my precious grandbabies as they miss mama so. The only one who doesn't feel the deep pain is my husband. Dementia has taken that, and for him I think that is a blessing. But, we have to help our little girls get some joy out of this season. My thoughts and prayers are with each one on this site as we all work to maneuver through this time the best way we can. Our sweet children are on the sidelines cheering us on I know. Have a restful night. Sandy

[wgreenlee]

Christy…so sorry for your loss and pain. This is a good place. Godsend for me. I hope I can provide comfort for you. My son had a drug addiction, but had finally overcome it over the last year or so. I think I can relate a little, although the circumstances of our loss are different. I know sharing about Brooks is getting me through all this misery. I hope you will share more with us.

My prayers will be with you daily.

Wade

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Christy D,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Son. This is a good, safe place with people who know the pain of the loss of a child. I'm sorry you have to be here but glad you found us. I just lost my Daughter Trista 5 months ago. This is such a hard journey to be on but this "place" and the people here have been a saving grace to me. Please share your Son, Matt with us as you feel able.

Wade,

I keep a blanket in my car to lay with Tris when I visit. I've imagined many times just staying. Thank you for the kind words about Zakery. Yes, he is mature beyond his years in many ways. He's faced so much. I wish I could take some of that from him but I can't. I'm very proud of him. He was hanging out with me and Aiden after school today and just watching him with his little brother filled my heart. When he was passing out candy on Halloween, a couple of little dinosaurs came up. He looked at me and smiled and said, "The little ones are so cute!" I thought, how many 14 year old boys even notice that. He's a sweet kid. I continue to send prayers for you and Renea because I know this is so hard. Brooks will be right there guiding you through as I know Trista will be for us.

Susan,

The "list of meaningful choices" hit home for me too. So much has changed. My world has changed. I have changed. "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" was something my Grandpa Jack and Grammy Dote used to say. You're desire to be the "leader" for your Children and Grandchildren inspires me.

Dee,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us in what you have done since Eri's leaving how you've felt her with you. I love what you do at New Year. I know we each have to do what is right and follow our own hearts and hear the voices of our Angels guiding us on this. It does help to hear what others have done though, and what has worked for them. I think we will find ways to do something good for people in need around the holidays too. We always do the "in store" donations but I think we will find some ways to do a little more. Also thank you for you thoughts on my earlier post. I just know that thought helped me through today. Your words are always a comfort.

Laurie,

I think keeping it simple is what we will do too.

Sandy,

I agree. Our Children will be with us guiding us through.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I've been thinking of how to handle the holidays and then this conversation got started. My sister called me tonight to find out what I thought I would want to do for Thanksgiving. I talked with Zak tonight and so far, here are our thoughts. For Thanksgiving we will spend it just us and find ways to bring Tris into our day. On the weekend following Thanksgiving we will invite family to our house where we feel most comfortable and closest to Trista. For Christmas we will have a tree but it will be a small potted one that can be planted in Honor of Trista. We had to lose a tree this year because it was diseased and a danger to both our house and the neighbors. We weren't happy about it. None of us liked losing a tree so this will be a good way to give back to the earth and Honor Tris. We are not going to get out all of our decorations this year. We are going to do some homemade decorations and some special ones for Tris. We have a very diverse family background and we've always tried to incorporate traditions for all of our cultures into celebrations. This year we are going to focus on just one and really learn about those traditions. Zak and I are both leaning toward our Irish/Celtic ancestry this year. These are just a few of the ideas we've had. Zak was very helpful in this. I think he feels good about doing things a little differently this year too. This is such a personal thing for each family to decide what feels right for them and their individual situations. I think by sharing some of these things we might read something that really resonates with us.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I remember the holidays after my mom first lost my older sister in 2001...she was very limited with what she could do during these months...we were all okay with that....my other sister and I just help cook a neutral meal and brought it with, there were no decorations but it was okay but the holiday is about loving one another anyways...

To lower our expectations on one another helped then, as it was enough just to get through...I guess I am taking the same approach...last year we over did it and felt like zombies afterwards...

We will take things at a slower pace this time around...

Dee, I thought how you write your worries and hopes on little pieces of paper and then burn them was a very helpful idea, I might try that this year...

*******************************************************************

Wade, I am sure Jesse would have been glad to show Brooks the ropes on fixing things...I always thought it was humorous how guys would gather around an open car hood and kind of hang out there...there are times when I want to sleep by Jesse too...

My husband crys all the time too...going to work, from work (he has to drive past Jesse's place on his way to work), over things that serve as triggers...I buy lots of kleenex now...including the small pocket packs....

*****************************************************

Sarah's Mom, you are in my prayers tonight for strength, as I read what a load you carry on your shoulders...

*****************************************************

Julia's Mom, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter to this illness, your story touched me in how you shared that it seemed like your daughter was just at her "launching point" in life, we were in that phase too with Jesse with so many unfinished plans...

*****************************************************

Christy, this place has helped me so much over the last year...it is a long journey on this path of grief...wishing you peace this evening...

******************************************************

[Julia's Mom]

Excuse me for being clumsy with the multiple replies. I already tried sending more than one reply in one of these frames and somehow it got lost, or misplaced, or posted without my knowing it. So for right now, it will be one at a time:

Dru

Erica's Mom, Dee - Thank you for your post and reaching out. It's remarkable that there are so many different ways in which our children left us. Each way, any way, so painful, for us here who only wish that they could have had a fuller and longer life.

[wgreenlee]

Shannon…just had to mention that I too have a blanket in my truck for when I visit Brooks in the evening. I'm blessed that his site is only about half a mile away and it's easy to just walk over there or visit on my way to and from school. I'm proud of your Zak. A testament to his mother.

Sleep well tonight and know that I am thinking of you, your boys, and your beautiful Trista.

[Julia's Mom]

Wade - Thank you so much for your support tonight. I think about how new your loss is, and how truly tragic your son's death is and it makes my heart break.

Dru

[Julia's Mom]

Jesse's Mom, Laurie -

Yes, all those unfinished pieces of life. My husband describes Julia's departure as a Jet plane that had been completely outfitted, reaching cruising altitude when it just explodes in the sky. I grieve her presence and the joy she gave me, even the worries she gave me, but I know I am also grieving all the things that she never got to do and had so wanted to do. I think that is one of the hardest parts for us all as parents. We see the potential in our children and the yet unlived parts of their precious lives. We grieve for them, not just for our loss, for their loss.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, I will be saying a prayer for your mom as she just lost her sister and for her as well...

**************************************************

Julia's mom, yes I so agree with your post...we do grieve the future that our children lost as well, I think about that often...

******************************************************

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening....

[wgreenlee]

Laurie…my friend basically made me come over and help with his renovation of a 68 Mustang this Saturday. He knew I needed some "busy" work. Was a good day. Friendship is what Brooks was all about and I'm glad I have that in my life. Not as many as him, but good friends who are keeping tabs on me. Your comment about hanging out over the hood of the car was right on this weekend. Sometimes it just feels good to get all dirty.

For you Becky…we got the 68 Mustang up and running this weekend. Still have quite a bit of body work to do, but the engine runs great. Thought about you and Jared and his "ride" as we worked…then Brooks too, but it was good thoughts.

Dru…another thing we found here is that our children are so much alike in how they lived their lives. We feel like they are truly befriending each other in the arms of God and smiling at each other as they sing His praises.

Shannon…that sounds like a wonderful way to celebrate in honor of Trista. I thought I would get a small tree and decorate it at Brooks' site. Kinda like the Charlie Brown tree Don't really know about Thanksgiving. Maybe just a drive to Sacramento with a dinner made by someone else. Something to pass the time. We even thought about having a picnic with Brooks, but it's kinda getting cold. That might be too emotional thought right now, even though that's where I find the most peace.

Here is a picture I posted before but I like it so much I'm going to post it again. And maybe a couple more.

For you son...All my love to you, the boy and man who made me the proudest dad ever. You made me a better person even in your difficulties because you never ever gave up and finally defeated your demons and you knew how proud that made me. I never gave up on you and you never gave up on yourself, and the people who say your praises to mom and I will forever remember you as a friend who never gave up on them either. That gives me the most comfort, Brooks. You were a caring, loving, giving young man who went out of his way to help his friends even to the end of your glorious, special life. Sing to God, and know that heaven sings back to you in all it's glory. Dad

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

I think the small tree at Brooks site is a good idea. Trista loved Charlie Brown trees. She actually has one (commercially made). I know what you mean about sadness everywhere. I know it was there before but I "feel" it more now. My hope is that at some point I'm strong enough to help someone in some way and in that way honor my Girl. I think sharing Brooks' story with that Boy is probably something he'll carry with him and may make an impact in his life. I know our Angels will guide us to places that we can do the most good when the time is right. You can see the light Brooks carries even in his pictures.

Dru,

The loss of the future, the things we will miss but even more so, the things I think of our Children missing is so very hard. I'm glad you found this place to share.

Prayers for peace and comfort tonight.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....thank you for your caring thoughts for each of us on this journey....

I 'read' the 'teaching heart' you have....

and...something you shared reminded me....of what I wrote for John David's Memorial...

'that here we are the parents....but really....our children teach us...and 'parent' us...they are the ones that raise us...to our wisdom...our heights...'

how your Brooks taught you....my John David taught me...Jesse to Laurie....Eri to Dee...Trista to Shannon....and all the other cherished parents on this site....how their children taught them...and our children would not want to see us falter or fail...never.

I know our hearts will be thinking and praying for that young student...oh the burden...I think he was 'meant' to be around you....I think you are 'there' for him. I do believe there is enough heartache to be passed around....and enough people to ease the heartache.

[wgreenlee]

Susan…I sure hope so.

I need something to be fulfilling in my life right now. It's so empty. Renea is doing things and I am so happy for her, but I am living my life day by day… I basically get up…go to school…do school stuff at home…randomly watch tv…and come on this site. And this site and those of you on this site help me get ready for the next day. One unending cycle of hopelessness…but yet I know things will get better. I'm not naive enough to think I won't some day suddenly get up and say.."I have a life to live and it's ok to live it." Right now, though, I don't see that day very near in the future. I'm often asked how I'm doing and all I can say is…"It is what it is…day to day," and people don't really see the hurt that I hide. Do they really understand the profound loss I(we) feel? It never leaves me…ever. Do they understand that I don't sleep, don't eat, don't really enjoy the simple things that everyone else might enjoy? One good friend asked me if I needed to talk a week or so ago. He knew things weren't going so well. I asked him if he ever felt that gut-churning feeling that you might get when you did something bad and had to atone for it…that feeling of anxiety and apprehension it brought. I told him that's what I feel every moment of every day right now. The total feeling of helplessness I feel in my life…knowing I will never, ever again have Brooks call me, text me, hug me, ask for advice….I won't have grandchildren…get a real Father's Day card…be the best man at his wedding. He just couldn't relate. So I thanked him for thinking about me and that was that. He was willing, bless him, but he just didn't know what to say. Not his fault. I know you all understand, but I also don't want to be a bringer of additional pain because I'm feeling this way. Although I guess I'm doing it now. Ironic? People have commented numerous times on here that you need to do whatever gets you through as long as you don't hurt yourself or others. I hope I don't bring additional pain to others here when I need to talk. I can sit here right now with tears rolling down my face and be ok for the moment. And now when I get ready to go to bed I know I will toss and turn all night and wake up and start this all over again. I wake up every day thinking how nice it would be if this were all a bad dream, even though I know it's not. My wife needs encouragement…my mom needs encouragement…Shauna needs encouragement…Brooks' friends need encouragement…but I don't know how long I can keep this up. I know they feel better thinking that I'm ok. I feel good being strong for them…but it's not really true, and I'm afraid that one day I just won't be able to give it any more. All my life I've been so optimistic. I would always tell Brooks that if you just believe in me, I will get you through your addictions. Finally he did and his life changed for the better. He again was the boy I raised. And now it's gone…

I know my faith is keeping me going and I know by that same faith that God will provide. It sustains me, but dang, this hurts so bad. God, please have mercy on me! Maybe He already has… My tears have dried and I can think of good memories again and smile. I think I'm ready for bed.

For you Brookster…with all the love that is possible to give…Dad

Always My Son

You are my son, a part of me, and that will never change,

No matter what you do in life my love will still remain.

I held you as a baby and I looked into your face,

And I knew then, no other one could ever take your place.

I knew then as I held you, you would grow to be a man,

And anything you did in life I’d try to understand.

I knew you would make choices and would follow your own heart,

I only prayed that in your life I’d always have a part.

I knew some things you did in life would give me so much pride,

But also realized some things would tear me up inside.

I only want the best for you and want you to succeed,

And want you to find happiness with everything you need.

I can only guide you and give you a helping hand,

You will choose the path to take now that you are a man.

Along the road that you will choose, whatever that may be,

Just remember this my son that you can count on me.

I will not try to push you to live life in my own stride,

I only promise I will love you and stand by your side.

I know that you will make mistakes and life is full of them,

But realize my love for you will not let me condemn.

I know this life's not perfect and we do the best we can,

Just realize I love you and I’ll always understand.

I knew one day you would grow up and you would leave my nest,

I will do what I can for you and let God do the rest.

I have held you in my arms and done the best I can,

Now I pray that God will hold you now that you're a man.

Just remember in my heart you are a special one,

And I will always proudly tell the world, "this is my son."

from James A. Kisner

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

"It is what it is" is my mantra now. Many times when someone will ask how I am I will say simply, "I'm here" and taking a day at a time." No, people don't get it. They do mean well but have no idea how we are figuring out how to rebuild ourselves completely as we've been shattered into a million pieces. They have no idea that even a simple question like that is so hard to answer right now. I'm still so raw that someone well meaning told me the other day that they hoped I have a wonderful day. Wonderful??? Really?? But unless you've walked this path it's just impossible to know.

Yes, the day in and out of just getting through another day... That's how it is for me right now. You don't cause more pain for anyone by sharing how you feel. This is the one place for many of us that we can do that.

It's a tightrope walk right now, for me... wavering between needing to isolate and not wanting to be alone, needing to be understood while wishing no one would ever have to know this pain, wanting to be here for those we love here and wanting to be with our Child no longer here.

Nothing in life is what it was before. Everything is double edged. Everything hurts right now no matter what. Even the good things are bittersweet.

I need you all who I know get it. I hate that we are all here for the reason we are but if we have to walk this path I'm thankful we can come together here.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I read this today. It's from Tom Zuba's facebook page. I've shared him here before. I know we each have ways we feel connected to Sweet Children, for me, reading other people's experiences is uplifting so I thought I'd share this.

On March 30, 2005, I wrote the following in my Journal:

“Last night,

I woke up,

looked at my watch

and it was 2:22 ~

it startled me

and I wondered if I had seen it correctly,

so I checked again.

2:22.

Rory died on 2.22.

It felt like a sign of connection.

I have been asking you to come thru ~

to connect with me -

perhaps you did?

Thank you sweetie, please do it again.”

Just 36 days earlier

my most amazing 13-year-old son Rory

died on 2-22-05

following a 6-month odyssey with brian cancer.

Rory loved numbers,

and black holes

and parallel universes

and time travel

and Albert Einstein.

It was clear to me,

even then,

that his work here was complete.

So, he left his physical body

and was on to the next adventure.

About a week later,

I woke up again.

In the middle of the night.

I checked my watch.

2:22.

With a huge smile

and a knowing in my heart,

I said, “I get it.

I really do.

We will connect with each other through the numbers “222.”

And we have.

Over and over again,

in ways that continue

almost 9 years later

to astound,

surprise

and delight me.

That first New Year’s Eve,

after Rory died,

I took Sean to Disney World.

To escape.

To get away.

To create new memories.

To have fun.

Not only would it be our first holiday season without Rory physically present,

but that New Year’s Day was the 7th anniversary of my wife Trici’s death.

And January 2nd

would have been my daughter Erin’s 17th birthday,

had she lived.

It’s a complicated time of year for us.

I booked our room at one of the many, many Disney hotel properties.

I can’t say I was 100% surprised

when the man at the desk handed me my room key and said,

“Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Zuba.

You’ll be in Room 222.”

Rory was with us.

Always.

Even at Disney.

I have seen 222 everywhere.

On the sides of buses,

on billboards,

on license plates.

It’s even tattooed on Maroon 5’s Adam Levine’s left arm.

About a year and a half ago I began to wonder.

Okay,

I connect with Rory through the numbers “222,”

but what about Erin and Trici?

Where are they in all of this?

And then it came to me.

Erin’s birthday is January 2.

Trici’s birthday is May 22.

I believe that the three of them are home.

In the presence of the Divine,

always.

It is not just Rory present in 222.

It’s all three of them.

Together.

And when I have completed the work I came to do.

I’ll return home.

I’ll join them.

And so will you.

Now you know.

Tom Zuba

www.TomZuba.com

[tobyfreefoot]

i also keep a quilt in my car so i can lie down with my son.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

i also keep a quilt in my car so i can lie down with my son.

Me too....I remember when you said how you lie down on your son's grave...

[Jeff's Mom]

I have been reading and trying to get caught up on the posts from last evening. Wade, there is no need to thank me. I feel that the holiday period does indeed trigger intense feelings even after several years. I find myself back at the beginning. As Jeff died so suddenly on December 12th. our home was completely ready for the holidays. The tree was up and decorated. presents under the tree. Dickens Village on my mantelpiece. The same routine from years gone by. I sat that night as he left the house with the paramedics in total shock. The gurney almost slipped as it hit a patch of ice and he almost fell off. Nothing seemed real. I felt as if I had been beamed down into someone else's life. Not mine...SURELY! That first period was pure hell. We walked around going through the motions of living. Yet we were the walking dead. We spent the first Christmas alone as we were far too emotional to be around others. The following year was different. I told myself that how we handled this was going to be the blueprint for the rest of our lives. I had another son and now two grandchildren. I needed to be strong as hard as it was. I had horrible days and some not too bad. I made a to do list and considered it a good day if I could cross off at least a few of the tasks. They eventually got longer and it felt a little easier. But it took a very long time and real patience with myself to try to find ground again. The first things I had to realize was that I was asking far too much of myself. I needed to understand that I had suffered the greatest loss of my life and it was going to take a very long time to rebuild the pieces again. Slowly, bit by bit, I have started to find happiness in small ways. I no longer feel crippled with pain when I think of Jeff. We embrace all of the wonderful memories that he left us. We have decided to carry him with us along our journey of life. Today, when we think of the holidays...it is still very difficult. We remember the days of the past. However today we have started to take on new traditions that make us feel positive that Jeff is still very much alive in our hearts. Keeping s busy as you can will help tremendously. There are days you just have to curl up and let the tears flow. Just as long as you can get up before too long and put that one foot in front of the other. Doing something small in memory of your child can give you a sense of deep pride as you think of them. I know this is really hard...but you are going to get through this at your own pace. Being strong for others is ok to a point. You have to take care of yourself as well. I am glad you were able to spend Saturday working on the car. One day at a time. To those that are starting this incredibly difficult journey.. Holding you close. Love, Kate

[lovU2themoon]

Wade,

"It is what it is" is my mantra now. Many times when someone will ask how I am I will say simply, "I'm here" and taking a day at a time." No, people don't get it. They do mean well but have no idea how we are figuring out how to rebuild ourselves completely as we've been shattered into a million pieces. They have no idea that even a simple question like that is so hard to answer right now. I'm still so raw that someone well meaning told me the other day that they hoped I have a wonderful day. Wonderful??? Really?? But unless you've walked this path it's just impossible to know.

Yes, the day in and out of just getting through another day... That's how it is for me right now. You don't cause more pain for anyone by sharing how you feel. This is the one place for many of us that we can do that.

It's a tightrope walk right now, for me... wavering between needing to isolate and not wanting to be alone, needing to be understood while wishing no one would ever have to know this pain, wanting to be here for those we love here and wanting to be with our Child no longer here.

Nothing in life is what it was before. Everything is double edged. Everything hurts right now no matter what. Even the good things are bittersweet.

I need you all who I know get it. I hate that we are all here for the reason we are but if we have to walk this path I'm thankful we can come together here.

Shannon

I could not have said it any better, there are no words today, feeling broken.