Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Two things. First and most importantly, I met another mother who lost her daughter last July. She is experiencing exactly the same horrible pain each one of us know all too well. I told her about this group and encouraged her to check us out. If you're reading this...we spoke on the phone this afternoon - Casper, Wyoming....please just jump right in. I'll leave it to you to introduce yourself the way you choose. You are welcome here!

Second....Andy Andrews. My new inspiration. I just begun reading "How to kill 11 million people". My reading, however, has been interrupted by all the blurbs he has on youtube. I googled his name to find out more about him and now can't get enough of him. He's been on the best seller's list many times before, and I've unknowingly listened to some of his comedic routines. If you're at a place to be inspired, I highly recommend him.

Have a peaceful night my friends.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

I took Alyssa home Sunday and after I gave her a big hug.....one for me then one for Daddy I looked at her and said " You know your the only reason I'm still breathing" She said I know Grandpa.

She has a very wise heart for a little girl so young. Tomorrow is my Dads 100th birthday He's been gone 52 years.I'm glad that he was there to meet Brian when he crossed over. My Dad loved his kids.

He was a great guy. The memories I have of him are all good ones. I wish he could have enjoyed his grand kids. Lost some roof shingles last night in the storm.

Looking at the news it could have been much worse.

Colleen, Yes I know the feeling of words so cutting. Brian worked for a company that took care of Lowe's stores lighting and ceiling fan displays. He would put up new models and make sure they were lit up with no burnt out bulbs or dust on them. He took care of 5 stores.

When he died they had to hire a new guy and it just happened to be a friend of my other son Rob. When he went to one of the stores where Brian worked one of the Ass kids that worked for Lowe's says " So Your

Evil Knievels replacement. Can you BELIEVE that!!!

I asked him to point the kid out but he wouldn't because he knew what I would have done to him. So Yes Colleen my Brain was dissed as well. I guess it goes with the name. All I know is that my Brian is showing your Brian how to get every bit of horsepower out of a Cavalier.

Take care everyone and remember do what's good for you.

[Guest msnher]

"So, you're Evil Knievel's replacement." Them there's fighten' words. I'm glad to know you're okay through all the tornadoes, Greg. I am wondering about all our midwestern friends. Tornadoes in February - awful early, isn't it? Your granddaughter is blessed to have you, too.

[robyn]

Prayers needed tomorrow as we go for the first court appt regarding the accident. We have written our victim impact statement and can only hope and pray that the judge shows the same mercy that God has shown us since Jillian's death. The accused are both facing felony charges. They are both very dear to us, and we see their suffering up close. We are hoping for probation and community service. We want to build something positive from this experience...perhaps have thm talk to young people about the dangers of driving with too little sleep and reminding them that if you drink on a Friday night, the alcohol can still be in your system, (however small of an amount) on Saturday morning. I know this is what Jilly would want for them. I am praying that we can accept whatever God has planned for the bigger picture.

Thanks!

Louise

Louise,

MANY prayers coming your way!

Robyn

[Jeff's Mom]

Louise,

MANY prayers coming your way!

Robyn

Good luck tomorrow! And remember that forgiving is a blessing from God. I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Louise, I hope you feel Jilly with you in the courtroom shining her light for you to follow. I know that your hope for probation and community service is mighty dear as your hearts are breaking, you are trying to find some good from the sad.

Greg, what a fine young lady Alyssa is. I am so glad that she has you in her life, you both give so much of Brian to one another and of course, so much heart from your own selves. Brian must smile at his Pops doing what comes so naturally to you, and then seeing that his Girl is growing from that kind of care. Lovely. I am sorry that someone said, " evilknivel " after Brian died, nothing easy about hearing these kinds of insensitive remarks. I just watched th enews adn saw how devastaed Harrisburg Illinois is after last night's tornadoes. How sad and they swept past you too last evening hu? Scary and early.

[mikesmum]

Louise ~ I admire your strength. To put together a victim impact statement is such a hard thing to ask of any parent. To ask for something positive to come from this tragedy reflects a strong sense of character. I wish you well.

It is so hard to lose your grandchild through a death or marriage breakup. For me Harmony is my connection to Mike...

Greg ~ Dumbass kid. Hard to put an old head on young shoulders....but knocking his block off would have been a start (only gagging). Your grand daughter need only look into your eyes to know she is a part of why you get up each day.

Di ~ I hear what you say about going back to work. You neither sound silly or abnormal...at least not in this world. Its hard to return to the world where everyone else is moving through the next phase of life while our kids will 'be forever young'. I also get the pull to do something about suicide prevention. There are somethings that need to be out there that at the moment seem to be overlooked. Its like a sterotype is applied and signs that might have meant something are missed. Either way, time will allow you to breathe, to see and eventually, though it will be different you may reconnect with the outside world. ((hug)).

Sus ~ Glad the family have connected with a psychologist that gets it without effort.

Carol ~ OMG 12ys...going the math girl glad you mentioned the 29th cause I was getting confused. Big hugs to you both, especially the bearded one.

This is our 'cone' of silence from the outside world. We all come together, sharing as much or as little of our lives before and after we lost our children. This is somewhere that friendships are forged, trusts are developed and nurtured. Its also a place to respect others who may or may not be as open as we are or we like...That is the beauty of being an Indigo....acceptance. We are all here for one reason...we lost our child.

As we all occilate between here and the other world from whence we came, the passing of time makes the travelling a little easier. Here is where I feel at home. No explanations needed.

[Jeff's Mom]

Louise ~ I admire your strength. To put together a victim impact statement is such a hard thing to ask of any parent. To ask for something positive to come from this tragedy reflects a strong sense of character. I wish you well.

It is so hard to lose your grandchild through a death or marriage breakup. For me Harmony is my connection to Mike...

Greg ~ Dumbass kid. Hard to put an old head on young shoulders....but knocking his block off would have been a start (only gagging). Your grand daughter need only look into your eyes to know she is a part of why you get up each day.

Di ~ I hear what you say about going back to work. You neither sound silly or abnormal...at least not in this world. Its hard to return to the world where everyone else is moving through the next phase of life while our kids will 'be forever young'. I also get the pull to do something about suicide prevention. There are somethings that need to be out there that at the moment seem to be overlooked. Its like a sterotype is applied and signs that might have meant something are missed. Either way, time will allow you to breathe, to see and eventually, though it will be different you may reconnect with the outside world. ((hug)).

Sus ~ Glad the family have connected with a psychologist that gets it without effort.

Carol ~ OMG 12ys...going the math girl glad you mentioned the 29th cause I was getting confused. Big hugs to you both, especially the bearded one.

This is our 'cone' of silence from the outside world. We all come together, sharing as much or as little of our lives before and after we lost our children. This is somewhere that friendships are forged, trusts are developed and nurtured. Its also a place to respect others who may or may not be as open as we are or we like...That is the beauty of being an Indigo....acceptance. We are all here for one reason...we lost our child.

As we all occilate between here and the other world from whence we came, the passing of time makes the travelling a little easier. Here is where I feel at home. No explanations needed.

AMEN...to that. You are a calm in the storm. Beautifully said! No explanations needed. We rant and we rave...and sometimes we step on each others toes...but in the end ...we get it. Nobody else does. One heck of a club to belong too! I sat on my sons' bed today for what seemed like ages. He died on that bed. I held a pic of him and tried to imagine what he was feeling. I had to leave the room. I may not always say the right things to everyone...but I do feel your pain and I definitely do care. I have nicknamed it the Rambling Rose Society. Ramble away dear friends. That is what keeps us going. Talking it through with those who are feeling it as well. Gosh, I miss him. Really badly.

[Maddy6]

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

[lilysmommy]

Louise (Jillys Mom) I loved the video of the sky lanterns so much Ive decided to do that for Lilys first angelversary..I couldnt figure out what to do..I wanted to do somethin the kids would enjoy and she would enjoy witthout havin some kind of party..so we decided that me and her dad would spend the day with her and at 7 pm we would release the sky lanterns..as of now we are orderin 100 lanterns so i really hope we dont set anythin on fire..which is why i will not be askin for permission from the city or cemetery =]..thank you so much for the idea..

-sonya

[Maddy6]

Kate, You made me laugh through my tears :-) The Rambling Rose Society :-)......yep, that's us:-) your comment ..."I may not always say the right things to everyone.....but I do feel your pain and I definitely do care." I think that sums things up beautifully. It also helps me realize that if, we, who know this pain, don't get it right at times with our words. Then maybe I can be a little more forgiving of the words to those who fortunately, are not a member of this unique club. I understand your missing him today. I am so sorry, I felt your heartache in your words. I missed her today too. They are probably in heaven having a party right now. Truly. We ache for them, yet they are in bliss. Thank you for listening.

Maddy - Rachael's mom & 5 others also

[Maddy6]

1330579038' post='84726']

Louise (Jillys Mom) I loved the video of the sky lanterns so much Ive decided to do that for Lilys first angelversary..I couldnt figure out what to do..I wanted to do somethin the kids would enjoy and she would enjoy witthout havin some kind of party..so we decided that me and her dad would spend the day with her and at 7 pm we would release the sky lanterns..as of now we are orderin 100 lanterns so i really hope we dont set anythin on fire..which is why i will not be askin for permission from the city or cemetery =]..thank you so much for the idea..

-sonya

Sonya, I am so glad to see you posting again. That is a wonderful idea, and your boys will love it! :-)Thoughts and prayers to you.

Maddy- Rachael's mom and 5 others also

[Susie_q512]

I get so frustrated when I've been away for a day or two, or a few weeks, because these is so much I want to respond to, but it is simply impossible to do with my mind and body rebelling so fiercely. I have grown to care about each of you so much, and I do wish I could respond more often and on a more personal level each of you.

Carol - Sorry I missed your anniversary. Sure hope you two were able to celebrate with fond memories.

Kate - Rambling Rose Society....has a Neil Diamond song playing in my head right now. I may just be replacing the words with the tune, but it's playing over and over in my mind.

Susannah - I just love you! I see myself reflected in you, and can absolutely relate! Very happy that you found the therapist for the kids and that she knows what she's doing.

Dee - Well said.

Diane - I know you're hurting. Hang on, my friend....somewhere in the distance is a little ray of hope trying to find it's way through the darkness and to you.

Heydaddy - I smile as I remember our PM conversation when you referred to yourself as a bull in a china store.....but you're part of us now, and that makes you "our bull". Glad the issue has been resolved.

Thanks to all who prayed for my co-worker's son and his friend. Her son is now out of ICU, but has a long road to recovery ahead of him. I haven't heard any details about his friend, but I am at this point, assuming that he is expected to heal. I am so very thankful that these two families were spared our fate. I was so anxious for my friend....so scared for her.

I have been working more hours as I have two co-workers out of state dealing with family emergencies. Unfortunately for one, her dad is now in hospice and not expected to live much longer. These two women have covered for me many times since Shannon's passing, so I don't mind returning the favor, but boy has it exhausted me. I know it's only been just over 5 months, but I keep thinking that I should be doing better physically.....never knew how much emotional stress could effect a person physically....starting to worry that I may never get enough physical and mental energy back to function normally again.

Two more long days ahead of me before I get a day off, so I need to try to unwind and get some sleep....at least I'm HOPING for some sleep.

Goodnight and Peace to all.

[robyn]

I force myself to move forward, for the sake of my children and my husband. I am trying because I love them, and they deserve me. From somewhere happiness, a smile emerge. Could it be hope I am feeling? Then as quick as I catch that small glimpse, it is fleeting. I realize that moving forward is painful. Today I realized why. It is because I am in a world where she is not. I am facing reality. While I stayed angry and depressed I did not face that type of pain. Staying depressed was safe. When I stayed depressed I didn't face a world that forces me to accept she is no longer here. As long as I remained depressed, I remained in the same safe spot. But it kept me from the truth. Facing the truth hurts. I am no longer on medication, not since last May. So I know that everything I am feeling is all me. As I move forward in the land of the living, momentary hot tears sting my eyes as thoughts and memories surface, and an empty, dark spot remains in my soul. Like a knife, the pain pierces sharply. I am reminded of my desire to go and be with her. I glance disdainfully upon this life that now lacks passion. I move on, going forward, leaving her behind in this new land of the living. Grasping, forcing, seeking to incite life in my spirit. Faintly, I sense she is still with me. Somewhere, I can feel her. I am groping, searching, trying to find my way. I miss you Rachael. Love, Mom

Maddy- Rachael's mom & 5 more.

Darling girl,

Those "small glimpses" will get longer and longer. The more time we spend with our other children, the more and more we realize how blessed we are. Each one is a singular miracle. The way I am beginning to see it, is, seeing Chrissy gives me something to look forward to! For now, we reach out and our children are just waiting for our attention. God makes it clear for me all the time- miracles aren't always what you think they are!

Love,

Robyn

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's!

Trudi - I failed to comment on the pics you posted of Mike and Harmony. There is so much love in that boy's eyes for his little girl. Precious!

Diane - I have often pondered "Jesus wept". There have been many sermons given as to the reason why he wept since he knew he would be raising him from the dead in just a few minutes. My take on it is exactly as you say....he was showing us how to grieve. He was showing us that grieving is not a sign of a lack of faith. I truly believe that grief is a power unto itself and demands to be respected. If we try to avoid grief we will be destroyed by it. Our only chance of survival is to ride "with" grief instead of against it. The beginning of the ride - the first few years - is so violent, thrashing us back and forth, that it might feel like we're fighting just to stay afloat....but, it's just grief. Raw, intimate, razor sharp grief. .

Sonya - So good to see a post from you this morning! I love your plan to launch the sky lanterns. I'm glad her father and you are working together for your sweet little Lilly.

Maddy - I vividly remember posting that I finally found the trigger to that horrible, searing pain that knocks me down. Life. It was normal, daily living. I'll be doing fine and it just hits me from left field. I'm glad you found us. Wonderful, sometimes dysfunctional "us". Hugs!

Susan - Yes, we are cut from the same cloth - that cloth made a few of us on this site. I love you, too! I think the biggest shock for me, walking with grief, is how much it takes out of me, physically. It's like my body is functioning with a quarter of the energy that I had before Steph died. Even when I feel good physically, emotionally and spiritually...I become exhausted with much less effort than before.

Louise - Prayers for you and the families involved - especially the judge - today. Sending healing energy of light, love and wisdom right now.

Carol - I can't tell you how often I thought of you and Ralph yesterdy, completely failing to say Happy Anniversary to you! I hope you two did something special?

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Kenn]

I woke up this morning thinking about all of you on this forum. Guess what, all my thoughts were good ones. I'm glad you were honest enough to tell me what you were thinking so some problems could be addressed. You people are all wonderful in my eyes. I pray that you all have a great day.

Proverbs 27: 5 Open rebuke is better than secret love. 6. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

[Maddy6]

Why can't we paste a picture in here like on FB? I still can't figure out the technology on this site sometimes.

[crystalann]

Good morning to you all!

Just wanted to say I think of you all daily!And am so thinkful I found you thru my fog!

I have been listening to a song alot lately and wanted to share

Shackles by Mary Mary

Love and Hugs! Crystal

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - so good to see a post from you. I think of you often.

Maddy - I'm virtually technologically illiterate....no answers here. I know. Right? It surprises me, too.

Heydaddy - Love the scripture reference - so true! Thank God I have some good friends, too.

[Jilly's mom]

The lanterns are probably 3 feet tall each. We launched 20 and it took a minimum of 60 people to do it. It is totally totallly awesome though! If you have extra, you can always use them later. I saved a few for some other grieving familes in our area to do on their kids' angelversarys!

<3

Louise

Sonya, I am so glad to see you posting again. That is a wonderful idea, and your boys will love it! :-)Thoughts and prayers to you.

Maddy- Rachael's mom and 5 others also

[robyn]

I woke up this morning thinking about all of you on this forum. Guess what, all my thoughts were good ones. I'm glad you were honest enough to tell me what you were thinking so some problems could be addressed. You people are all wonderful in my eyes. I pray that you all have a great day.

Proverbs 27: 5 Open rebuke is better than secret love. 6. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Much love and God's many blessings to you dear friend.

Robyn

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[vivkib]

Becky, No need to "delete" your feelings. I can't say I understand what you're going through because Kevins passing was under different circumstances, but I wouldn't be suprised if I felt the same way. I think it's o.k. to feel anger. Seeing this person go on as they did before has to be very hard to deal with. Keeping you in prayer for your meeting with the police and comfort in this time of great trials. Vivian- Kevin's Mom

[robyn]

Becky,

Momma lions and bears have nothing on us! In your place, it would be hard not to jump on this person and beat her to death with my bare hands! One of the hardest things we do is try to forgive, and it is more for YOU than for her. This person is beyond feeling any shame, but to hate her would put an unbearable weight on YOUR heart, and you have quite enough to deal with. It doesn't sound like she would give much of a thought to it.

Smoking dope and she's pregnant? Certainly tells you enough. God says that liars are lying to HIM, and not to men. I'm sure she won't take divine justice so lightly. One thing I am sure of- those who take an innocent life are never worthy of that life they took. Even if they never face man's justice, they WILL face His.

Much love to you,

Robyn

[Guest msnher]

Becky - No need to delete. I think it was Dee who suggested that I forgive myself for not being able to forgive.

[Maddy6]

Becky,It is okay, I also post and then delete because I embarrass myself by my ranting. Then I worry I dishonor Rachael by my ranting AND my rambling. Then I get even more embarrrassed and I hit delete. So when you see a blank post by me....well, there you have it.

Ooooh Becky, I am so heartbroken over your daughter having to see that vehicle. Surely this lady could not even want to drive it again, how could she. I am so angry at this lady for that injustice right now. That is just wrong. Please tell me she at least does not realize she is passing your daughter in that vehicle. I also feel hate for her, so I cannot begin to imagine what you feel. I am also sorry that I am not encouraging you to love and forgiveness. I know I should not encourage you to be angry.....but after the things you have told us......it is hard.

Here is a scripture that says she is responsible for her actions. That is all I can give you because I do not feel kindly toward this lady right now:

He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. Proverbs 28:13 God knows the truth about this lady. If she is guilty, she will suffer the consequences in her life. If she is truly not guilty, regardless of the appearances, God knows that too. God is not mocked, as a man sows, he shall reap.

.

Love,Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 others also.

[rlolheiser]

So many posts.. I am not able to coment.. I just hope you know how much I care even in my silence. When prayers are asked.. I say them.. even when their not.. I say them.. your angels are in my thoughts always because there too goes my JaBoa

I just got a call from JaBoa's mom. She told me that her lawyer called and told her the felony charge has been dropped so there will be no prison time. I can't tell you how releived I am to hear that.. but yet so worried. I worry that she may have got away with something... and deep down she may not learn. I told her she best thank her lucky stars and her angel. She only has now to get her son back. I told her that she needs to think next time she is tempted into drugs.. because each year I get older and my ability to take care of the little guy will be harder. She needs to hold on to what she has left and thank God.. or whoever we are supposed to thank. It's a long journey yet for her, and I hope she learns her limits. Losing her daughter was hard on her, but it can't give her an excuse to forget the other two children she has.

I have been busy doctoring with mom.. and my son.. he has been getting sickly lately. I worry so much about him. Everytime he goes down healthwise scares me knowing that he was a meth-baby. Puts fear into me about what his future my hold. Even the doctor feels the same way.. she has been great and helped me with him a great deal.

I had a meeting with the school concerning Sena.. 6 teachers.. all telling me they believe she is smart as ever.. they don't want to have to put her back into the fourth.. so now we are trying to make her feel the worth of doing her work. Maybe the good news of her mom will make her feel more comfortable.

I have read a few people who say they ramble.. but I don't think it is rambling.. I know I have used the words myself. I come here writing.. not knowing if anybody is reading my post.. but I am able to get it out once and for all. I don't have anybody to talk to here at home.. so online is my only outlet. It helps just to say what your thinking..

I wish you all peace my friends... and beautiful fellowship with your angels

[ericasmom]

Leah, I hope that your Daughter's not going to jail is a wake-up call for her, turning her life around so that she can be present in the lives of her family. I know you want this and I will pray for it. I am sorry that the little guy has been struggling Leah. I know your Mom's health has been tricky and once again, so much falls on your shoulders. I am glad that there was a meeting on Sena, it will be important that they focus on the emotional health of this little one, making sure that each teacher she works with is well aware of her situation. Blessings to you Leah in all you do.

[Maddy6]

I need to read this poem every day. I wanted to share it.

Love,

Maddy - Rachael's mom & 5 others also

.............

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

[Guest msnher]

I wish I was making this up.

Some of you might remember me getting all upset with Casper's local city council because they had to vote whether weapons would be allowed in public meetings. They didn't just vote about it, mind you, they fought about it for months. So, y'all, leave your guns at the door. Oh...but, that's not all. No, that is not all. The latest thing this state, that I love, brought before legislature was the "Doomsday Bill". Yep. They want to buy an aircraft carrier to keep in Wyoming so we can protect ourselves when the rest of the nation fails. But, we may have bigger problems.....seems the small town of Kirby Wyoming - population 57 - is being terrorized by a prehistoric raptor. The town has been cautioned to stay inside and lock their doors. Yep, yep, yep.

[robyn]

I need to read this poem every day. I wanted to share it.

Love,

Maddy - Rachael's mom & 5 others also

.............

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

I love this Maddy.

[Jeff's Mom]

I love this Maddy.

Thank you, Maddy, How lovely. I just love this poem. It helps to calm me and give me a feeling of nurturing and the reality of being here and now.

[Jeff's Mom]

I wish I was making this up.

Some of you might remember me getting all upset with Casper's local city council because they had to vote whether weapons would be allowed in public meetings. They didn't just vote about it, mind you, they fought about it for months. So, y'all, leave your guns at the door. Oh...but, that's not all. No, that is not all. The latest thing this state, that I love, brought before legislature was the "Doomsday Bill". Yep. They want to buy an aircraft carrier to keep in Wyoming so we can protect ourselves when the rest of the nation fails. But, we may have bigger problems.....seems the small town of Kirby Wyoming - population 57 - is being terrorized by a prehistoric raptor. The town has been cautioned to stay inside and lock their doors. Yep, yep, yep.

Oh, I love being a Canadian!

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky - No need to delete. I think it was Dee who suggested that I forgive myself for not being able to forgive.

Oh Sus,but if you learn to forgive....what a weight will be lifted off of your shoulders. Happiness has no room for anger.

[Jeff's Mom]

So many posts.. I am not able to coment.. I just hope you know how much I care even in my silence. When prayers are asked.. I say them.. even when their not.. I say them.. your angels are in my thoughts always because there too goes my JaBoa

I just got a call from JaBoa's mom. She told me that her lawyer called and told her the felony charge has been dropped so there will be no prison time. I can't tell you how releived I am to hear that.. but yet so worried. I worry that she may have got away with something... and deep down she may not learn. I told her she best thank her lucky stars and her angel. She only has now to get her son back. I told her that she needs to think next time she is tempted into drugs.. because each year I get older and my ability to take care of the little guy will be harder. She needs to hold on to what she has left and thank God.. or whoever we are supposed to thank. It's a long journey yet for her, and I hope she learns her limits. Losing her daughter was hard on her, but it can't give her an excuse to forget the other two children she has.

I have been busy doctoring with mom.. and my son.. he has been getting sickly lately. I worry so much about him. Everytime he goes down healthwise scares me knowing that he was a meth-baby. Puts fear into me about what his future my hold. Even the doctor feels the same way.. she has been great and helped me with him a great deal.

I had a meeting with the school concerning Sena.. 6 teachers.. all telling me they believe she is smart as ever.. they don't want to have to put her back into the fourth.. so now we are trying to make her feel the worth of doing her work. Maybe the good news of her mom will make her feel more comfortable.

I have read a few people who say they ramble.. but I don't think it is rambling.. I know I have used the words myself. I come here writing.. not knowing if anybody is reading my post.. but I am able to get it out once and for all. I don't have anybody to talk to here at home.. so online is my only outlet. It helps just to say what your thinking..

I wish you all peace my friends... and beautiful fellowship with your angels

I am so glad you posted. I hope things will go well for you with everything. There are always people that truly do care. And you are never alone. Vent all you need to. Good luck with your son and mom. Prayers sent your way. Hang in there.

[Guest msnher]

Kate - Never said I didn't learn to forgive. You know what? I'm outta here.

[Kenn]

.

[ericasmom]

Sus, why are you mad again? HOw did what Kate said make you angry? I don't understand your ability to throw your anger at folks but not expect folks to react to things you say unless it is what you expect? I really don't get it, Kate says something that is out of hope and you are angry? What gives? I feel badly for everyone here to be seeing so many fractures in our system of posting. This is not what any of us are used to.

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate - Never said I didn't learn to forgive. You know what? I'm outta here.

[ericasmom]

Heydaddy, nice of you to post a poem anyway, that is good, keep on posting and keep on reaching out, we all are here for the same reasons really, community in a place that often feels flat or lonely when we lose our Child. I like your poem. I write a lot of poetry and find it one of the most cleansing ways to deal with the multitude of emotions that come with this life. Peace.

[ericasmom]

There are things going on here that are not right...I have been here for the better part of 8 years, well I took a break at year 4. I have never seen the striking out at other parents as we have been seeing lately. That is the opposite of what this place is. This is supposed to be aplace to feel safe, to feel secure, and I am so sad to see that some are unable to disagree with others in an adult and fair manner. Kate, I will deeply miss your presence here but I understand. You have been treated poorly and if i could make it better I would. I am deeply sorry for you to be offended here of all places. Kate has erased her post as she is leaving our family and I don't blame her. she has been treated poorly here and I am writing this so that you all are aware that this unkind behavior results in losing good people who also are hurting.

[Maddy6]

Heydaddy, I loved the poem. It really spoke to me. Today I was so upset about the lady in Becky's post, I think I touched on a nerve inside of me. Isn't that funny how that happens? We (husband & I) had been to see a therapist the week before Rachael died, for counsel about Rachael. I followed the therapist's counsel, it went against what I knew, and believed I should do. I was frustrated at being told I was wrong and agreed to follow this counsel. Rachael died within the next week. When we went back to her and told her the outcome, she just shrugged. Thanks for listening. Again, it was a really beautiful poem Heydaddy, I learned to love poetry for the first time in that Creative Writing class I took last Spring. Had not liked it before then. My favorite kind was the beat poetry. I bet all the talented writers on here could come up with some great beat poems about grief. TTYL, Maddy- Rachael's mom and 5 others also

[Maddy6]

Kate, Please do not leave. I have enjoyed your kindness and your posts. Please do not leave, I was just getting to know you. We want you here. Love,Maddy

[mikesmum]

Its hard to express ourselves at the best of times. The interpretations of words 'spoken' here can take on a different meaning than the one intended.

I remember early in the rawness of this journey I was 'sensitive' to some postings with regards to 'guilt, suicide and god'. I felt challenged even accused. At that same time the very same thing was happening in the 'other world'. People I thought should understand didn't. The more I tried to explain the more confused it all became. I retreated.

The thing is when I felt the 'abyss' drawing me down, it was here where I connected. Not to all and not in ways I was familiar with. It might have been words to a poem (Maddy love that poem, it was posted early on my journey too). A link to a music video. A similar memory, a thought, a feeling or just a (((hug)) gave me the energy to face another day without Micheal.

When it all gets too much here, the loss, the pain the overwhelming feeling of being unable to help, I retreat.

I read each day. I log on to my computer every morning, yes every day. I check BI, I connect with FB. There are many who have left here who I now see on FB. Just yesterday I reconnected with a parent who was here in the beginning for me. It was like finding a long lost friend.

As with the various stages of grief the way we communicate our loss is unique to who we were/are.

We may not have that special connection with every parent here. But we do have the loss of our children and an acknowledgement that its the single hardest thing we have had to endure. It truly is sad to see fractures forming here ~ this is the one place where empathy and understanding should be second nature

I hope those who have left this site still come, still read and remain connected with those who gave them that boost when needed. PM's help.

Prayers for all those parents who just want one more hug, one more hello, one more 'love ya'.....Trudi

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[Maddy6]

Becky,You do not need to apologize to me for that. I am so, so very sorry for the circumstances that took place yesterday that you told us. I am a compassionate person. . You are saying that you want to forgive the lady. You are to be commended and you are an amazing person for that, because many, probably most people would not. But ......that lady, taking your most precious gift, your son, not only does she not seek forgiveness, she lies and appears to care less about what she did. She does not appear to hurt for her actions either. It is hard to forgive someone like her that doesn't even want it, or feel they need it. I am very sorry for the situation and wish I could take this pain away. I know you are struggling with forgiving a pack of lies. My pain for you, and my efforts to understand, have removed a layer of my grief, and that is a good thing. I will pray for you to eventually find forgiveness because I know forgiveness is for us. I am also very, very sorry that the lady is not going to be charged. I know that is painful for you and I wish I were there to hug you and say I am so, so sorry. God sees everything and this lady will be held accountable. She will not escape her actions if she was at fault through negligence.

.......................

Also, we all say things and take missteps. I do not think any of us would ever, ever want to intentionally hurt another on here. I like what Susannah said a while back....she summed it up in 2 words. "Not here." So, no, we would not hurt each other on purpose. Not here. We have all been through trauma and maybe can't see things clearly at times. We strike out in our own pain and perhaps it is on this site. Forgiveness and moving on, the actions we have to apply to our grief situation are what we need to do when toes are stepped on also. We are all continuing to grow, and learn. I love all you people on here.

Love,Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 others also

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Corrected.

[Maddy6]

1330699164' post='84789']

For those totally confused, Maddy meant to address her last to BECKY, not Colleen... lol.

Senior moment? LOL :-)

[Guest msnher]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up, here. First, I didn't mean to "throw" anger at Kate again. I just wasn't, and still am not, in the mood to explain myself about forgiveness and my own, personal journey through it. What helped me to find some inner peace was Dee's suggestion that maybe I needed to forgive myself for not being able to forgive. That was over two years ago. A lot has happened between then and now. I don't claim forgiveness for the woman, but I don't hate her. I guess I forgive her with caution. She is still a very real danger in our lives. But, I was unable, am unable, to jump from hate to forgiveness instantly. For me it's a process.

Heydaddy, love your poem. It was not offensive in the least. It speaks truth.

I believe in reincarnation. That should open up a can of worms to toss about. It is MY spiritual truth - it doesn't have to be anyone else's - that our whole purpose in human form is to learn to love and forgive unconditionally. Period. I fully accept the possibility that I just might be the last human being on planet earth. LOL In fact, I am sure the reason I still live is because there are some people I fully intend on haunting if I die before them.

Now, Dee, you and I have disagreed on many occasions. There is something about me that just rubs you the wrong way. I'm okay with that because I absolutely adore you. I think you are wise, kind and compassionate. The only thing that irritates the hell out of me is I want your approval so badly. The disappointment I feel when I don't get it is disgusting. However, my feelings for you remain the same. You have a gift of reaching out and touching the very heart of the wounded.

Kate, I didn't read your post that said you were leaving, I'm just reading that from the comments on the group. I have private messaged you asking you to stay.

I, on the other hand, am taking a break from this site...or, at least, taking a break from posting. If I can pull it off. You all will be the first to know if I can't. This site saved my life. And, I mean that in the literal sense of the word. I have encouraged many others to come here where they will find encouragement and hope. But, mostly they will find a lantern, lighting the way. Not a sermon on how to overcome grief, not a sermon on forgiveness, not any judgment, but instead just a life jacket. Someone who will just sit and rub their brow as they cry about how angry they are. Someone who will hold their hand when they decide they can leave their living room and go for a walk. Someone who will celebrate with them because they were able to get dressed and everything, finally, and then not judge them when that exhausted them so much they have to take a nap from the experience...and, understand they may not be able to do a repeat (dress) for a while again.

We are all on the same team. Against our own desires we have been thrust into this club. I'm a member of it. Warts and all. I don't tell someone they have to forgive, I tell them to tell me about their hatred...to work through it...again and again and again. I leave forgiveness to the guy upstairs.

Having said that, I hope you all will forgive my bold, blunt style of communication. I hope you forgive it, but I'm not apologizing for it. I kind of like me this way. I honestly believe you would all love me, too, face to face. Face to face, you would see I'm a very compassionate woman who would give anyone the shirt off my back. Hell, one time I stopped and gave a homeless woman the shoes off my feet. I'm generous to a fault. But, tooting my own horn so you all will like me is NOT the woman I want to be. But, hell, I'll do it anyway.

Well, that's all from me for a while. I'm going to take some time to do some internal housecleaning. Take a real good look inside ME. I seem to be pissed at everyone lately. Yet, I'm also reconnecting with some very dear friends - face to face. So, I'm not sure what the message is for me to learn. One thing I know about me is I travel to the beat of a different drum. I'm tired of trying to change my beat so I'm in harmony with the "band".

I love you all and wish you peace.

Later.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Chads Mom]

Wishing my sweet son CHAD a Happy Birthday in Heaven! Your family misses your bright smiling face!