Loss of an Adult Child

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Kevin!!!

Surround your mom with your love!

[aim630]

Carol-I pray that you and Mike hear nothing but good news tomorrow.

Dee-Thanks for asking about Katie (it's been a few days). She's doing fine, and will be home next week for spring break. She's a little depressed she wasn't chosen to go to London to cover the Olympics for journalism, but being a freshman the odds were against her. I'm a little relieved as I had no idea how we'd afford it (about $10000), plus I would have been worried. Everyone I told she wasn't chosen said maybe she can go next year, but it's the Olympics! Every 4 years! They don't do the Winter Olympics. I just want her life to be perfect now, especially since she lost her sister, but I can't make it perfect.

Sweet dreams of your angels tonight...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Susie_q512]

Feeling a little grumpy tonight....must be from all the hours I worked the last 2 weeks. Work did help occupy my mind as I was very, very busy, but it physically drained me. Some evenings I left work dragging my feet and wondering if I had the energy left to push the gas peddle. Ten and 12 hour days with either no lunch break or a working lunch. I work at a small veterinary practice, and with 2 front office employees out, that meant I worked from opening to closing. Now I am plumb tuckered out. I am still amazed at how much grieving takes out of me physically....even when I'm not crying or anything! I am weary to the core; almost too tired.

Becky - Thinking of you always and hoping you gain some ground.

Too all - May you find some peace tonight.

[ericasmom]

Laura, I am sorry for all of the struggles in Payton's life and at the same time so grateful that he had you for his Mom to care for him, to rally for him, to fight for him. I am equally glad that you had him...he makes such a difference in your life and in the lives of all that know him. Blessings this Saturday as you ring in his Birthday, a blessed day and one that is also so hard to fathom.

Amy, glad that Katie is going to be home soon and while it must be hard to not go to the Olympics when she so wanted to go, it is a lot to handle traveling to Europe and dealing with so much hustle and bustle at so young an age. It is probably what she craves though, that hustle and bustle.

Becky, your poetry is gorgeous, a beautiful tribute to the life you miss and the work you are doing to seek the truth.

Carol, ditto on the hopes for Mike's appt. tomorrow and for Kim's healing. I will definitely keep saying prayers and sending good energy out...as you do for everyone.

Trudi, it does feel nice to see so much nurture here.

Sherri, our daffodils are popping up and their heads are laying against the stalk just waiting, just waiting. We had two days of weather in the 60,s, with a lot of wind, then cold and tomorrow, colder, but it will climb again. We spring ahead this weekend with our clocks. Yep, it is happening.

Well, the full beautiful moon is shining in my window, reminding me to go lay down and let the silver orb shine on my prayers.

Goodnight All, deep sleep if possible, and dreams that make you smile

[ericasmom]

Susan, you posted when I did so I am commanding you to bed, to drink some sleepy time tea first, and to sleep deeply and soundly.

[Chads Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday KEVIN!

Sending love, comfort, and ((hugs)) to your family...

[Maddy6]

Dee-you said....Well, the full beautiful moon is shining in my window, reminding me to go lay down and let the silver orb shine on my prayers.

Sounded so beautiful, I could see the moon and made me want to sleep soundly under it :-)

Vivian - hope you were OK today, you were in my thoughts and prayers. The heavenly birthday wishes were beautiful. Hang in there, we are with you.

All BI, please pray for us, as my youngest 14 yo, sees the cardiac surgeon tomorrow and we are hoping we get answers and sound direction.

Love,Maddy

[Chads Mom]

Becky, I loved the poem you wrote! I read it 3 times so I could absorb everything you were saying. It's amazing you were able to put everything that is happening to you into such beautiful words.

Laura & Polly, I understand the pain of losing a child with special needs. My daughter Kailey had special needs and died last year. Your whole life from the time they are born revolves around them and all their needs. Then when they are gone, you are completely lost. Taking care of them becomes who we are, its our normal life. They define who we are and how we live our lives. From the time they are born, everything in our world has to be adjusted to suit their needs. When they are gone, we don't know how to live and we have to adjust everything in our world all over again.

For me when my daughter kailey died, I didn't know what to do with all the free time or silence that surrounded me. I missed all the people that helped me care for her like her Doctor's, Nurses, HHA's, Physical and Occupational Therapist. The Case Managers, Supervisors, Social Workers, Drivers, Medicine and Medical supply companies. The Special Ed Teachers, Aides and ESE specialist. Etc.. There are so many people that come into our lives when you have a special needs child. Most of whom become our friends and confidants. Kailey couldn't speak but she communicated quite well. She laughed out loud, grunted and squealed with delight! She learned sign language or I should say we learned her sign language! When I would correct her she would shake her head no, hold her hand up to me to stop and then would precede to show me HER WAY! Kailey wept in silence when sick or in pain, as if she didn't want to burden us or cause us any pain or worry. She had a special way about her and would light up my world with sunshine when she smiled! My house had a revolving door, people in and out all day long. My home was filled with laughter and noise from Kailey and all that cared for her. Now she is gone and I don't know what to do with my time or the silence.

Lori: You seem to have lived the same life we did... My husband and I found ourselves walking in circles when Chaddy was gone trying to figure out what to do, we were so used to a schedule full of things that needed to be done each day that is was like we had short circuited. I actually had people say well now you can do the things you couldn't do before. Boy is that a laugh little did they know we were doing the things we wanted to do. If I could go back in time I would choose to do it all over again at least I was needed by someone and felt like I had a purpose in life. Right now things just feel out of sorts.....

[mikesmomrs]

Dee, I loved your words about sleeping, also, but alas, it is not to be tonight. Perhaps later. We have to get up at 5:30 to be at the hospital on time. It is a two hour drive, but need to allow for morning traffic-- first appt at 9 am. Thank you for sharing your rebirth of your daffodils...we had some at the old house, but haven't yet planted any here. I must do that this fall. They give off such hope when they poke through each year, don't they.

Maddy: Will hold you close in thought tomorrow that your boy's appointment goes well and you get the answers and direction that you seek.

Amy: Good to see you; thank you for your good wishes.

Thank you all for all of your support, caring and love that has been sent our way. Please pray, as we have, that these doctors tomorrow will be alert and wise in their decisions, that all of the information they need for those decisions has been delivered to them from the other doctors that have been treating Mike here locally, and that God will guide their thoughts and discussions in a direction that will allow for the best outcome for Mike. This I pray so very fervently.

love to all of my beautiful Indigo family

[Susannah]

Good evening, fellow travelers. Susannah here. My profile has been permanently deleted per my request. (Thank you, Konnie). I am not here to stay, I am just passing through. The last few days have been most beneficial in contributing to my serenity. There are "truths" I forgot I believed. Not only did I forget my own truths, I lived completely opposite of them - creating havoc in my very being. I forgot the power of the spoken, or in this case - written, word. I became more concerned with my ego, my feelings and my rights. I forgot to be more concerned about YOU. Without further explanation, I want to say a proper goodbye to each of you. You will each remain in my heart always. This site literally saved my life. I know it will continue to be a beacon to others who find themselves on this most horrible journey. Since Stephanie's death, I have said many times that the light at the end of the tunnel may very well be a train...and, it's being driven by God. Well, I don't feel that way anymore. The light at the end of the tunnel is God. May his/her love touch each of you with comfort and peace. The Prayer of St Francis is my favorite, so is the Desiderata, but, I'll only print St Francis' prayer.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury,pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

[mikesmum]

Susannah ~ I thank you for revisiting and expressing your gratitude for its role along your journey. I remember Desiderata from another time another place in my life.. It is still powerful. Thank you

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

[Maddy6]

On this mornings news:

They state that cariologists are now acknowledging a condition they are calling Broken Heart Syndrome, where the heart swells and becomes weak. Cardiologists had known about it, in the past, but weren't sure how to diagnosis it. A cardiologist explained that it happens when something happens unexpectedly, such as a breakup or a sudden death.

I think we would all attest to this as fact. It is nice to know that what we knew happened to us when our children died, is now proven medically. I wonder that there were more research on this, what they wold learn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Susannah, thank you for the inspirational prayer. We miss you, and wish you to return, but respect your choice. I pray everything will go well in your future and you will continue to be blessed.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love,Maddy

[vivkib]

Thank you to all for the Birthday wished and prayers. It was a hard day but I made it through without to many tears. Thank you all again. Hugs and prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[westleysmom]

Carol-Holding you and Mike (and Kim and all) close today as you go to appointments. Thanks for asking about CJ, he's doing okay, still having a pretty hard time dealing with the losses that he has had lately. He's so young, and there has been so much pain and grief for him. His birthday is at the end of this month. He will be 22. My husband mentioned a grill for his birthday, a guy thing to be able to cook something outside and sit around and drink beer and have a smoke (we've asked him not to smoke or let anyone else smoke in the house, and as far as I can tell, they have not). I miss buying things for Westley so much, I wanted to give him everything, although he never asked for much. He never begged for designer tennis shoes or clothes or anything like that. I miss him so much. One of his other friends needs tires for the car, and we're going to try to help him get some. They have a little one, and I hate to think of an accident because of the tires being so worn. It helps me to feel like I still have someone to worry over and help.

Sherry-Thanks for the prayers for my nephew. My sister is having a really hard time (his mom). My little weeping willow that my husband got me for my birthday last year is coming out with little green leaves. I was so afraid it wouldn't come back since it was so dry last summer. We had terrible rain all day yesterday, but today is beautiful, just a little cool.

Laura-I won't be on tomorrow since I'm meeting my friend Susan for a shopping trip and it takes a little while to get there. Her son died right before Westley in almost the same way, although they never met. She and I try to get together every few months to talk and we write real letters in between. She's my only friend left from high school that I still talk to much, we have this bond now that I guess will last forever. I hope that Payton's birthday goes well for you and I will be holding you close in my heart.

Have a good weekend all and hopefully when you sleep, you will dream of your angel and the wonderful reunion when we see them again

[ericasmom]

I woke with the silver orb staring at me, shining in my bedroom with so much light I had to say, " HI MOON, HI ERI," and was blessed by that at around 4:30 AM. Went back to sleep for a bit before walking this morning where the sunrise caused the treetops to be bathed in orange sherbert. They were coated with orange just by the sun shining so brightly and the robin song filled the morning with the sweetest sound for these ears. That song the very best to my heart.

The kids are at lunch and I walked again at lunch and now back eating mine.

Susannah, thanks for the prayer and letting everyone know how you are. I wish you well on this new chapter in your life.

Carol, prayer and hope are riding in the middle seat with you and Mike.

[tobyfreefoot]

repost--i was trying to post this in loss of adult children. i guess i messed up.

i still am unsure about how this all works but some of you suggested i go to this forum so here i am. i feel like maybe i can start to talk about my son. his name is forest dayne sharp. he was 28 years old when he was killed july 3rd accompanying his girlfriend ashlie to las vegas to see her father. apparently she fell asleep at the wheel. he must have been asleep also because the car veered off into a rest area and plowed into the back of a parked semi at 67 miles an hour, never swerving or braking. they had to cover my son's face from just below his eyes down. ashlie's father was only able to view her hand. i don't know how he could stand it. i am so lucky because i was able to wrap my arms around my son before having him physically be gone forever. it has been 8 months and i am just crying like crazy while i type this.

i have 3 other children by a different husband though we have been divorced a long time. mainly because he was awful to forest.

my middle son, logan was living with forest and ashlie. they were all in various stages of their education at OU. forest was finishing his thesis. logan was visiting me when the officer came and told me forest was dead. logan told his sister, allison that was the worst part, watching me. every time we went in their house to move their things out he would throw up. we moved him in with my daughter and her husband. she was 4 months pregnant with my first grandchild. logan is pretty reclusive and horribly depressed. he did graduate in dec. but is now drinking half a bottle of vodka a day and not leaving the house. the baby has been a life saver for my daughter. my youngest son, marshall is just now talking to me. i think he couldn't or didn't want to be around me because he doesn't want to feel anything. he and forest were very close and he was going to move in with his brothers in aug. instead he ended up in the dorms and won't talk about forest.

i see i am apparently far enough along in my grief that i ended up telling you about my worries about my other kids. i do feel pretty dead inside but i know my kids need me to try to focus on their needs rather than my own pain. i try to keep it to myself now. i am waiting for it to get warm enough for me to just go lay on forest's grave all day. i know he is only an arm's length away from me there.(unfortunately the night my granddaughter was born there was a bad storm. i went to the cemetery to tell forest he was an uncle and his grave had become a sinkhole. i was out there in the dark, in the pouring rain, laying in the mud trying to reach down and get the flowers and things we had placed at his grave when i realized i was clawing at his vault) somehow i do feel closer to him there even though that doesn't make sense. i figure the dna and atoms are all still there and maybe somehow through quantum physics or something maybe i can connect. i'm just desperate perhaps to have some continuance with him. i can't let him go. it has always been the two of us together through everything. we are so close. one of his professors met me for coffee to tell me he talked about me all the time. he was a social outcast always bullied and beaten up in the small towns we lived in but became a huge force in the oklahoma gaming community and a major influence in tons of kids lives that he befriended and brought out of their shells. kids and parents (even from other countries due to his gaming server) have written to tell me what a difference he made in their lives. a couple hundred kids showed up at his funeral and filled his coffin with video games, fireworks, clothing, jewelry, controllers and anime figures. i was stunned. i had no idea. i put a picture of him on my profile of him when he had just awakened. it is one of my favorites. my other children won't go see a counselor so i am really stressing over them. i just can't lose another child. thanks for letting me run on. gretchen

[designer2]

Hello Indigos,

March is and forever will be a bittersweet Month for me, as it is Dylan's birth and death month. March 2nd was his 28th birthday. I got through that okay; remembering what a sweet gift he was, but the 21st marks one year without him and I am feeling more sorrow as it gets closer to that terrible day. I find myself more and more isolated and sad. He was my only child and his loss permeates every part of my life (whats left of it). I have done surprisingly well this past year knowing that everyone is watching to see how I fare through such a horrible tragedy. I guess they think I've moved on because of my brave face, but you and I know that simply can't happen. Sometimes people catch me crying and it seems so awkward because they don't understand that this is with me always...always. I want so much for them to accept that this saddness is a part of my life now. No power on earth can change that. So I wrote this poem to post here for all of us who suffer the loneliness of great loss.

Will you cry with me?

My world is torn apart.

My precious child has passed away,

And shattered my poor heart.

At first the people eased my grief,

They listened and they shared

The stories of my darling son,

And showed how much they cared.

But now that time is streaming by

And days turn into years,

I find myself left more alone

With many bitter tears.

These tears should serve to soothe my pain

And wash away despair,

But there's so many of them that

The hurt is hard to bear.

I'm someone who has lost so much.

It's hard to carry on

With life, and love, and normalcy

When want of them has gone.

So when you see me crying;

So broken and so sad,

Remember I no longer have

The happy life I had.

Don't try to fix or brush away

What is always with me now.

But take my hand and softly say

"we'll get through this somehow.

I am your friend; I'll share your pain

To help you heal and then

With love and understanding

You will learn to live again."

With much love, Cindy

"Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep."

Romans 12:15

[tobyfreefoot]

thank you cindy for your lovely poem. ashlie, my son's girlfriend was also an only child (of a single father) i am so sorry and appreciate your feelings. my life has also changed forever even though i have other children. it will never be as happy as it was before. my future has narrowed and darkened. i'm sure yours even more so as not only will you never have the joy of watching Dylan's life unfold but have no other children to help distract you somewhat from your pain. the fact that others don't realize that sadness is now always there happens to me too. i try not to let it show to others because they don't understand. i have heard people say "i didn't mean to upset you" or "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to remind you" i do know for me it is now part of who i am. an hour doesn't pass that forest doesn't spend some time occupying my mind whether with sadness,happy memories or longing. the loneliness of my grief is overwhelming. no one can miss a child like their mother. i haven't come to forest's death date yet. i think that the realization that years are passing is going to be devastating. i keep thinking how long how long? unable to live life fully or have full joy with my other children sucks. i am so sad you and all the others that only have one child have to muddle through without any others to love. though i have to watch that i don't just grab my others up and drag them down with love and grief. thanks again for your poem. gretchen

Hello Indigos,

March is and forever will be a bittersweet Month for me, as it is Dylan's birth and death month. March 2nd was his 28th birthday. I got through that okay; remembering what a sweet gift he was, but the 21st marks one year without him and I am feeling more sorrow as it gets closer to that terrible day. I find myself more and more isolated and sad. He was my only child and his loss permeates every part of my life (whats left of it). I have done surprisingly well this past year knowing that everyone is watching to see how I fare through such a horrible tragedy. I guess they think I've moved on because of my brave face, but you and I know that simply can't happen. Sometimes people catch me crying and it seems so awkward because they don't understand that this is with me always...always. I want so much for them to accept that this saddness is a part of my life now. No power on earth can change that. So I wrote this poem to post here for all of us who suffer the loneliness of great loss.

Will you cry with me?

My world is torn apart.

My precious child has passed away,

And shattered my poor heart.

At first the people eased my grief,

They listened and they shared

The stories of my darling son,

And showed how much they cared.

But now that time is streaming by

And days turn into years,

I find myself left more alone

With many bitter tears.

These tears should serve to soothe my pain

And wash away despair,

But there's so many of them that

The hurt is hard to bear.

I'm someone who has lost so much.

It's hard to carry on

With life, and love, and normalcy

When want of them has gone.

So when you see me crying;

So broken and so sad,

Remember I no longer have

The happy life I had.

Don't try to fix or brush away

What is always with me now.

But take my hand and softly say

"we'll get through this somehow.

I am your friend; I'll share your pain

To help you heal and then

With love and understanding

You will learn to live again."

With much love, Cindy

"Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep."

Romans 12:15

[Jeff's Mom]

Good evening, fellow travelers. Susannah here. My profile has been permanently deleted per my request. (Thank you, Konnie). I am not here to stay, I am just passing through. The last few days have been most beneficial in contributing to my serenity. There are "truths" I forgot I believed. Not only did I forget my own truths, I lived completely opposite of them - creating havoc in my very being. I forgot the power of the spoken, or in this case - written, word. I became more concerned with my ego, my feelings and my rights. I forgot to be more concerned about YOU. Without further explanation, I want to say a proper goodbye to each of you. You will each remain in my heart always. This site literally saved my life. I know it will continue to be a beacon to others who find themselves on this most horrible journey. Since Stephanie's death, I have said many times that the light at the end of the tunnel may very well be a train...and, it's being driven by God. Well, I don't feel that way anymore. The light at the end of the tunnel is God. May his/her love touch each of you with comfort and peace. The Prayer of St Francis is my favorite, so is the Desiderata, but, I'll only print St Francis' prayer.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury,pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Susannah...thank you for sharing with us. I wish you all the best in your journey.

Carol...sending prayers and good wishes for Ralph and you!

Cindy...thank you for sharing your lovely poem. It is beautiful.

Thinking of everyone and sending warm wishes.

I would also like to add a poem that I studied in school written by Mary Queen of Scots.

Keep us, O Lord, from pettiness, let us be large in thought and word and deed.

Let us be done with fault finding and leave off self seeking.

May we put away all pretence and meet each other face to face, without self pity and without prejudice.

May we never be hasty in judgement and always generous.

Let us take time for all things; make us grow calm, serene, and gentle.

Teach us to put into action our better impulses, straight forward and unafraid.

Grant that we may realize that it is in the little things that we create differences:that in the big things of life we are one.

And may we strive to touch and to know the great human heart common to us all.

And, O Lord, let us not forget to be kind.

And this is for Jeff:

He passed away like morning dew,

Before the sun was high,

So brief was his time...he never said goodbye.

He is not lost...my dearest child,

nor has he travelled far

Just stepped inside heaven's lovliest room

And the left the door ajar.

[Susie_q512]

Susannah, Cindy and Kate - The poems were lovely. Thanks for posting them.

Gretchen - I'm not sure that we've met. I'm Susan. My 16 yr old daughter Shannon was killed in a car accident 5 1/2 months ago. I am so sorry that you have lost your son, but glad that you found your way here. I understand the need to stay "present" in the lives of your other children. I struggle with the same issue as I have another daughter who still needs her mom. I worry so much about her, and I understand that she is counting on me to help guide her through this nightmare of grief.....heavy responsibility considering I'm fumbling and stumbling my way through each moment. I worry that I will fail her. She does on occasion come to be and speak about her baby sister. It seems to be happening my often now. The need to stay connected to our kids is universal, I think. Need may be the wrong word, because the connection is more of an absolute. Maybe it's of the need to feel the continued connection....the assurance that it is indeed still there. Holding you and your angel close to my heart today.

Well, at some point I posted that I was grumpy, and now I'm thinking I'm a little more than grumpy....someone just ruffled my feathers. The Home Owners Association wanted the roadside memorial for Shannon removed....very upscale neighborhood. They had our contact information so that they could call us for its removal whenever they decided they didn't want it out there anymore. Well, they didn't call. They just removed it and didn't contact us. So I went into the office and told the secretary that I was there to get all the stuff from the memorial. She pointed to a corner of the office without acknowledging me or Shannon....no I'm sorry....Hell, not even a "Hello". Then she watched me make several trips in and out of the office as I was loading my car. No offer of assistance. Still no offer of acknowledgement or condolence. She did however tell me that I could leave the door open. When I gathered the last few things I mentioned to her that the legs for the bench were missing and asked if she knew where I could find them. No help. Suggested that I go look around at the site for them, and then said "Thank You". I assume that she was thanking me for removing the "eye sore" from their fancy-shamancy neighborhood. I then went to the site. I found the bench legs thrown into a muddy ditch along with some flowers and other decorations that people had left there to honor Shannon's life and memory. As I climbed in that ditch and pulled out these things, I got madder and madder. Such inconsideration and disrespect. The fact that these things were tossed into a ditch as though my daughter's life and death were "trash" infuriates me. The fact that this woman could not or would not bring herself to acknowledge me or the fact that my daughter died on the sidewalk of their well manicured subdivision made me want to march back into that office and punch her in the face! My husband is worried that I offended her! I didn't confront her. I didn't stomp and snort. I quietly went in and out loading my car. When I asked about the missing things, I did so in a quiet and controlled manner. My husband argues that my face screams "F-YOU" when I am angry. I just figure that if that's the case, then she got the message......I'm pissed.

Hope the rest of you are having a better day than me

[ericasmom]

SUSAN,WELL WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T YOUR FACE SAY F-U when met with that kind of rude and negligent behavior!!!Oh my that is just really bad and I would send a press release to the local news to give this rudeness voice for that very unfair way of treating the family of someone who died on their properties! WOW! Of course you are pissed, I am pissed with you, and while the woman at the desk is probably not in charge, she could have been just mirroring those who run the roost, it is all quite ugly. WHy were you not called? I would ask that the manager of the association contact you by say Wednesday to discuss this improper way of handling things, and then if you don't hear from her/him, send your story to the local news.

Gretchen I am so sorry for the loss of your Sweet Son, he is so missed I know. My Girl, Erica was killed nearly 9 years ago when an AMTRAK hit her car at broken crossing, (nobody changed the damn fuse in the cross arm). This happened in Michigan and we live in the Chicagoland area. Eri was 19. In April, she would be turning 28. You will always miss Forrest of course, and while you feel you are not moving forward, you are. Crying more at this point has more to do with the reality of time, so much time without him. The shock is also wearing off and so it leaves you feeling raw all over again. We know this up and down of tears and feeling dead inside. Your worry for the others is normal too. For this new normal anyway. WE worry more about those we love after losing someone young. Hang on and know that you have found the right place to come, we are here to help and support you in your ache and don't worry, we really do get it. Wish we didn't, but since we do we gather here and help each other to the next step.

[shellyku]

Gretchen - I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious son. This is not supposed to happen to

any parent - their child going before we do. It is so unnatural and so unbearable. I pray for you and

your other children that He guides and comforts you all. My name is Shelly and my 29 year old daughter

died from leukemia in August of 2010. Our younger daughter Jillian is expecting her first child in a month

or so, and as happy as I am about our first grandchild, I am that much sadder that her big sister isn't

here to share it with her. They were very close.

Cynthia - what a beautiful poem. It touched my heart.

Susan - what an awful way your home association treated you and the memorial for your dear Shannon.

Don't people have any compassion anymore? Is our world so selfish and distant that there is no feeling

for a fellow human being? My prayers to you.

Kate - More beautiful poems from you. Words to live by for sure.

Dee - the "silver orb" got by me last night...wish I would have seen it too. Whenever I do see a beautiful moon

or cloud or those rays that come down behind a cloud that one would swear was God himself looking down,

I say hi to Sarah. I look for meaning in the sky...the very heavens where our angels dwell.

Susannah - I have never heard that prayer...so beautiful. I really wish you would post here again but unless

and until you do, I pray for peace for you and your family.

I hope we hear from Carol sometime this evening. I've been wondering how Mike's appointment went today.

I will continue to pray for him and for all Indigos as I do every day. Have a blessed evening. Shelly

[Maddy6]

Didn't get to read everything yet, but Susan I am so, so, very sorry for the way they treated you and the hurt you felt by the lady and her attitude and her fancy shmancy subdivision, and then having to pick up some of the things tossed aside. Sometimes I think it is good we are all so far away from each other, as it might be possible we would incite a riot.....:-) .. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.....I get so hurt for some of you sometimes when I hear of the heartache some of you endure at the hands of hurtful and insensitive people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Also Dee .....oh my, such beautiful writing...orange sherbert on the trees? Sounds sooooo glorious! Such description.....I want to see all of this beauty that you see as you describe it!! :-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~OK...........the surgeon wants to do heart surgery on my son. He tells us all this so matter of factly. My husband and I questioned him for like 45 min, or an hour. We need to thoroughly investigate things, because I realize this is how this doctor earns his living. I pinned him down on exactly how many surgeries he has done exactly like my son's, which he has done only 2.....because my son's situation is rare. Only he has done lot's of the surgeries for the condition. He kept encouraging us to the surgery like it was an every day event, which I know for him it is, but this is my kiddo's life and his heart. Soooo I just asked him if he ever had anyone die on him during this surgery and he said yes. But he says there are risks living with the condition. So this is all a lot to think about and consider. Please pray for us to make the right choice as I am a little bit confused. So thank you for listening and have a great evening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love,Maddy

[mikesmum]

On this mornings news:

They state that cariologists are now acknowledging a condition they are calling Broken Heart Syndrome, where the heart swells and becomes weak. Cardiologists had known about it, in the past, but weren't sure how to diagnosis it. A cardiologist explained that it happens when something happens unexpectedly, such as a breakup or a sudden death.

I think we would all attest to this as fact. It is nice to know that what we knew happened to us when our children died, is now proven medically. I wonder that there were more research on this, what they wold learn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Susannah, thank you for the inspirational prayer. We miss you, and wish you to return, but respect your choice. I pray everything will go well in your future and you will continue to be blessed.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love,Maddy

Ironically I developed multiple arrythmias over the past 5yrs. My last trip to the hospital (in the local ambulance) saw 3 varieties over 4hrs. When the young doctor in emergency asked me what I thought, I told him I suffer with 'Broken Heart Syndrome'. He looked at me quizzically then asked what that was....I told him pretty much you lose a child your heart breaks in such away that it never beats the same. Not sure if he thought I was crazy, but he smile and reassured me it wasn't immediately life threatening. I knew that, even broken my heart still beats.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Ditto on the lovely poems, Susannah, Gretchen, & Kate! Thanks so much for sharing, and Dee for your words regarding the moonlight, it transported me...

Susan, OMG, how did you manage not to punch her? Well, I do know, you kept it under control to honor your Shannon's memory, and not give them the satisfaction to speak of you in a negative way, as they had already done to Shannon and your family by taking her memorial away without so much as a phone call! How infuriating!!

Maddy, you and your son are in my prayers!

[lorijosherrell]

Susan. I agree I would write a letter for the news paper, wonder what the secretary's face would of been sayin if you would have walked your F-U face and muddy shoes back in her office, with a lot of extra mud I will say what I truly believe. I hate stupid people and until u have lost a child they don't know how we feel until I lost payton I didn't know how to.react to someone who had lost a child I was speechless I hope that was it and that she wasn't just a rude b sorry u had to deal with her

Laura

[daveydow1]

Gretchen--------I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son. Peace & prayers.

Dee-----Our weather is about the same.........nice one day, cold the next, but with

the sun coming through. I love seeing the neighbors little black lambs running

and jumping around in the field. They appear to be like black dogs in size. The

ewes keep on feeding at the hay cages, and just keep an eye on the youngsters

as they play. My husband planted 300 bulbs last fall, and keeps looking for

signs that they are going to come up.

Maddy-----Sending thoughts & prayers for your dear son. It's good that you

asked a lot of questions of the surgeon.

Rhonda-----So nice that your weeping willow is getting its leaves. We planted one

a couple years ago, but the deer keep eating it completely back. It can't seem to

get a good start. They must have a real 'taste' for willows.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Yes Maddy, I agree with Sherry, I sure hope that the doctor's advice along with any other expert advice will help you make this difficult decision. I know that this must weigh heavily on you and your husband, not to mention your Son. How old is your Boy? Keep us posted on your worries and your decisions. Glad that you liked my morning walk in the orange sunlight.

Becky, yes, to take so lightly the work you have done to bring this info. to them, and to seem so unresponsive to the ache...we do live in an alternate universe when we lose a Child, one that others do not understand. Just like what Trudi said in regards to the broken heart syndrome...the young ambulance attendant asked what it was...folks just don't know what it is when we say we are mourning, or that we are just plain sad. Many say, " still?" And Trudi Dear, I am glad that the attendant asked what it was, that he showed interest and curiosity, and you served to teach someone a new term that he will use and undoubtedly see in his lifetime. Awareness...what a concept.

Cindy, did I tell you how lovely your poem is? It is, thanks so much for sharing.

Kate, how are you? Thanks for sharing one of your favorite poems.

Sherry, how nice the image you gave with the little black sheep running about next door. How long ago did they birth their lambs?

Shelly, good to see your name here today, how are you?

[Jeff's Mom]

Yes Maddy, I agree with Sherry, I sure hope that the doctor's advice along with any other expert advice will help you make this difficult decision. I know that this must weigh heavily on you and your husband, not to mention your Son. How old is your Boy? Keep us posted on your worries and your decisions. Glad that you liked my morning walk in the orange sunlight.

Becky, yes, to take so lightly the work you have done to bring this info. to them, and to seem so unresponsive to the ache...we do live in an alternate universe when we lose a Child, one that others do not understand. Just like what Trudi said in regards to the broken heart syndrome...the young ambulance attendant asked what it was...folks just don't know what it is when we say we are mourning, or that we are just plain sad. Many say, " still?" And Trudi Dear, I am glad that the attendant asked what it was, that he showed interest and curiosity, and you served to teach someone a new term that he will use and undoubtedly see in his lifetime. Awareness...what a concept.

Cindy, did I tell you how lovely your poem is? It is, thanks so much for sharing.

Kate, how are you? Thanks for sharing one of your favorite poems.

Sherry, how nice the image you gave with the little black sheep running about next door. How long ago did they birth their lambs?

Shelly, good to see your name here today, how are you?

Hi Dee, good to see you. I am doing, ok. Thanks, for asking. And I just want to say how much I always enjoy reading your posts. I feel as if I am walking alongside you when you talk about your walks. Just lovely!

Susan...you know my feelings as in pm.

Wow...what a few weeks. And so it continues. Still...we are plugging along. And heck...good for us! I'd say we are doing pretty good all around given the circumstances.

Weather here continues to improve. An amazing Northern Light display last night. Stood outside with my dog in the middle of the night and watched the awesome display. Wow....whoever said there was not a God should just look at His free light display. Amazing. So much bigger then anything man made. Makes you feel very humble. The solar storm is supposedly to continue for a few days yet. Tomorrow is the time change. Yes....spring is almost here. Here's hoping for new beginnings, sunny skies and a brighter future.

[mikesmomrs]

So many posts, I would like to address some of the things posted, but I am so very tired from being on the go the entire day, from 5:45 am til we just got home about 1/2 hour ago, at 8 pm.

There is good news, but there is not complete news . Because of Mike's kidney problem (having only one that is operating at only 22%) they cannot do an IV contrast CT, so they can only do the kind you drink, which is not as good in showing things up. To quote the surgeon "It's very dark in there, hard to see when things are not IV contrasted." Some good things:

1. The tumor has not grown. (they won't know until they do another laparoscopy if it has shrunk)

2. It does not involve the vessels (though it was originally seen to be wrapped around an artery, and this is what they can't determine yet by the CT that was done, whether or not it still is ---more on that later).

3. There are NO signs on this limited CT of any spreading.

4. The liver is completely clean (as seen on this limited CT) (and that is the first place where pancreatic cancer spreads to.) This was actually the BEST most concrete news).

5. The number given to identfy the strength of the tumor was 37 in November...some can be over 2,000. 37 is good. They won't know what it is currently until the test comes back, likely by Tuesday. It is a very complex test that has to go to a place that specializes in that test. (The oncologist said that she feels very strongly that the reading will come back lower, which is good)

6. They all were VERY impressed with how good Mike looks ; his ability to move about, his overall general appearance of good health (he walked all over that hospital today, and it is really HUGE---normally at least half way through the day's appointments, he winds up having to use a wheelchair, but today he walked the whole day, all without using oxygen, which also impressed the doctors), and his overall "Presentation." (So, I guess the oncologist here locally that was monitoring his radiation and chemo, and said that they were getting Mike ready to "present you to the team at Dartmouth, like a beautiful present, and we even want to put a bow on you" can say that they did indeed do that! )

7. All of his lab work was very good, with the hemoglobin a little low, but that is his normal level. (8-9)

8. His kidney function is stable, which is VERY good, because they were concerned that the radiation and the little chemo he had would have done some damage. It is actually a little better than before all this started. HOWEVER, we were cautioned that there is a possibility that he could wind up on dialysis after the surgery. It could be temporary, or permanent. They won't be able to know until they cross that bridge.

So, that is all the "good" news. There really isn't any concrete bad news; it's just that because of not being able to use IV contrast for the CT, it is going to take a little more detective work to see how things are, and of course, we must wait longer to determine what is going to happen.

So, to help to see a clearer picture of whether the artery is still involved or not, they are going to do another laparoscopy. If they don't see anything with that (this is just to get a closer look at any possibility of its having spread and not having shown up on the CT), they will then have the gastroenterologist who did the endoscopy before, do another one (hopefully, the same day) and see what he can see. He will actually be looking directly at the pancreas to get a clearer picture, as he uses a light at the end of the scope (sounds like science fiction! ) If all seems clear with that, then they will proceed to plan the surgery, providing that Mike maintains his current physical state (or better). If they do find anything at all, then the surgery is not going to happen. It rips my heart out to write those words, but we must be ready for any and everything.

The surgeon cautioned us that, even with all of this "detective work," there is still a small chance of getting in there to do the actual surgery, and finding something that didn't show up on any of the tests. If this is the case, he cannot proceed with the surgery. Again, it rips my heart out to write those words as well, but again, we must be ready for any and everything, while continuing to pray for a good outcome.

I do feel as though we are on a roller coaster, but we have a good team of conductors, being guided by the BEST Conductor of all, our heavenly Father, and we are praying for a safe and good trip through all of this, with a good outcome.

A little aside: While talking with the doctor, I mentioned that we needed to get Mike better so we can return to his sister's house in Virginia to finish recording more songs, explaining that we were down there last fall and his brother-in-law recorded Mike singing some songs. (His brother-in-law is a long-time musician and has a recording studio in his home.) Dr. Smith thought that was great, and he asked him what he sang. I "just happened" to have my Tablet with me, and the recordings are on that, so I said "Would you like to hear for yourself?" He enthusiastically replied, "Oh, yes, what type of music?" So, I hit the play button, and played Mike singing "Today I started Loving Her Again." Dr. Smith was quite impressed (how could he not be...Mike is a terrific singer ) and we sat there, in the surgeon's office, discussing matters of life and death, with Mike's singing playing in the background.

We want to thank you all for your love, caring, support, prayers, and just being here for us. It is so good to know that there are so many people out there, reaching out to us with their thoughts, beautiful prayers and good wishes. We are blessed; truly, truly blessed, in so many ways. We continue to try to hold on through our faith and all of this support from everyone, all of you taking time out of your busy lives to send us encouragement and prayers and strength. It is phenomenal and humbling. Thank you, thank you.

Oh, on the way home, we were discussing the details, winding up with saying "we will just have to wait and see" and then, on the road in the hills of northern New Hampshire, few cars on the road besides us, and this drove by:

(for those of you new to BI, ever since young Mike died, we have always believed that he sends us many signs, and one of them is a yellow VW bug for his dad, and a red one for me. Mike LOVED playing punch bug, all of his life, from the time he was about three, right up until his last car ride. A few days before he died,he told me that his favorite color is red. Shortly after he died, I began seeing red punch buggies, usually at times when we were talking about Mike, or if I was alone and thinking something about him. Over time, Mike's dad chose yellow to be his color, and it is truly surprising how many times a yellow or red punch buggy will show up when Mike's dad and I are discussing a memory of Mike while out driving.)

[517958]

Susan - I'm so sorry for the insensitive way Shannon's memorial was handled. I've come to the inclusion that people that haven't lost a child don't have the first dang clue and they never will. I've stopped having expectations that people will understand because they just won't.

[Jeff's Mom]

So many posts, I would like to address some of the things posted, but I am so very tired from being on the go the entire day, from 5:45 am til we just got home about 1/2 hour ago, at 8 pm.

There is good news, but there is not complete news . Because of Mike's kidney problem (having only one that is operating at only 22%) they cannot do an IV contrast CT, so they can only do the kind you drink, which is not as good in showing things up. To quote the surgeon "It's very dark in there, hard to see when things are not IV contrasted." Some good things:

1. The tumor has not grown. (they won't know until they do another laparoscopy if it has shrunk)

2. It does not involve the vessels (though it was originally seen to be wrapped around an artery, and this is what they can't determine yet by the CT that was done, whether or not it still is ---more on that later).

3. There are NO signs on this limited CT of any spreading.

4. The liver is completely clean (as seen on this limited CT) (and that is the first place where pancreatic cancer spreads to.) This was actually the BEST most concrete news).

5. The number given to identfy the strength of the tumor was 37 in November...some can be over 2,000. 37 is good. They won't know what it is currently until the test comes back, likely by Tuesday. It is a very complex test that has to go to a place that specializes in that test. (The oncologist said that she feels very strongly that the reading will come back lower, which is good)

6. They all were VERY impressed with how good Mike looks ; his ability to move about, his overall general appearance of good health (he walked all over that hospital today, and it is really HUGE---normally at least half way through the day's appointments, he winds up having to use a wheelchair, but today he walked the whole day, all without using oxygen, which also impressed the doctors), and his overall "Presentation." (So, I guess the oncologist here locally that was monitoring his radiation and chemo, and said that they were getting Mike ready to "present you to the team at Dartmouth, like a beautiful present, and we even want to put a bow on you" can say that they did indeed do that! )

7. All of his lab work was very good, with the hemoglobin a little low, but that is his normal level. (8-9)

8. His kidney function is stable, which is VERY good, because they were concerned that the radiation and the little chemo he had would have done some damage. It is actually a little better than before all this started. HOWEVER, we were cautioned that there is a possibility that he could wind up on dialysis after the surgery. It could be temporary, or permanent. They won't be able to know until they cross that bridge.

So, that is all the "good" news. There really isn't any concrete bad news; it's just that because of not being able to use IV contrast for the CT, it is going to take a little more detective work to see how things are, and of course, we must wait longer to determine what is going to happen.

So, to help to see a clearer picture of whether the artery is still involved or not, they are going to do another laparoscopy. If they don't see anything with that (this is just to get a closer look at any possibility of its having spread and not having shown up on the CT), they will then have the gastroenterologist who did the endoscopy before, do another one (hopefully, the same day) and see what he can see. He will actually be looking directly at the pancreas to get a clearer picture, as he uses a light at the end of the scope (sounds like science fiction! ) If all seems clear with that, then they will proceed to plan the surgery, providing that Mike maintains his current physical state (or better). If they do find anything at all, then the surgery is not going to happen. It rips my heart out to write those words, but we must be ready for any and everything.

The surgeon cautioned us that, even with all of this "detective work," there is still a small chance of getting in there to do the actual surgery, and finding something that didn't show up on any of the tests. If this is the case, he cannot proceed with the surgery. Again, it rips my heart out to write those words as well, but again, we must be ready for any and everything, while continuing to pray for a good outcome.

I do feel as though we are on a roller coaster, but we have a good team of conductors, being guided by the BEST Conductor of all, our heavenly Father, and we are praying for a safe and good trip through all of this, with a good outcome.

A little aside: While talking with the doctor, I mentioned that we needed to get Mike better so we can return to his sister's house in Virginia to finish recording more songs, explaining that we were down there last fall and his brother-in-law recorded Mike singing some songs. (His brother-in-law is a long-time musician and has a recording studio in his home.) Dr. Smith thought that was great, and he asked him what he sang. I "just happened" to have my Tablet with me, and the recordings are on that, so I said "Would you like to hear for yourself?" He enthusiastically replied, "Oh, yes, what type of music?" So, I hit the play button, and played Mike singing "Today I started Loving Her Again." Dr. Smith was quite impressed (how could he not be...Mike is a terrific singer ) and we sat there, in the surgeon's office, discussing matters of life and death, with Mike's singing playing in the background.

We want to thank you all for your love, caring, support, prayers, and just being here for us. It is so good to know that there are so many people out there, reaching out to us with their thoughts, beautiful prayers and good wishes. We are blessed; truly, truly blessed, in so many ways. We continue to try to hold on through our faith and all of this support from everyone, all of you taking time out of your busy lives to send us encouragement and prayers and strength. It is phenomenal and humbling. Thank you, thank you.

Oh, on the way home, we were discussing the details, winding up with saying "we will just have to wait and see" and then, on the road in the hills of northern New Hampshire, few cars on the road besides us, and this drove by:

(for those of you new to BI, ever since young Mike died, we have always believed that he sends us many signs, and one of them is a yellow VW bug for his dad, and a red one for me. Mike LOVED playing punch bug, all of his life, from the time he was about three, right up until his last car ride. A few days before he died,he told me that his favorite color is red. Shortly after he died, I began seeing red punch buggies, usually at times when we were talking about Mike, or if I was alone and thinking something about him. Over time, Mike's dad chose yellow to be his color, and it is truly surprising how many times a yellow or red punch buggy will show up when Mike's dad and I are discussing a memory of Mike while out driving.)

Carol...thanks for the update on Mike/Ralph. Punch Buggies...no return! That was the same game our kids played on road trips. Not too many around these days. It was fun! I'm thinking of you and sending good wishes. Take care.

[ericasmom]

Carol, I hope that you and Mike wrap up in some cozy blankets and soft pillows, let the night take your exhausted selves to deep sleep land where you can let go of the day and the amazing amount of news you heard today. Nothing concrete that is bad is a GREAT day, but I know what you mean when you still don't have the ansers that allow you the next step. I am so happy for the good news you received and happy for the care the doctors showed you both.

Kate, glad to hear that you are doing well and that the weather is good. I am so in awe of your Northern Lights. I showed my students by hooking my computer up to the projector the other day to show them first, the shot of the sun and the solar storm that is causing so much magnectic energy, and then the lights that seemed to dance across the land and sky in colorful ghostlike forms. Beautiful and that you stood in your own backyard and watched that in close proximity? Awesome beauty.

[mikesmum]

Susan & Becky ~ I am amazed at the self control you both displayed when dealing with the heads of the 'DUMBASS' departments in your area. I have to believe its borne of ignorance on their part. Never having the experience or just plain disconnected from any emotional connection.

I remember when the police interviewed Mikes partner in the week after he died. She was asked about his medications, she said she didn't know what he took. She was asked how much he normally took, she didn't know that either. She was asked what was he taking medication for.....yep you guessed it, didn't know.

Then there was the 40-45min delay in finding him and calling an ambulance. In her statement she talks about finding him, thinking he 'didn't look right'. She went to the main house where her parents were, had breakfast. When she returned he still 'didn't look right', so she went and got her mum and dad. After they all agreed 'he didn't look right' and couldn't raise him she went back to the main house to phone the ambulance. No one asked her why she didn't call when she first found him, why did she go to the main house when there were 2 mobiles and a landline in their apartment. No one queried her claim she was Mike's 'carer' yet she knew nothing of the meds.

I did raise my concerns both verbally and in writing to local law. Basically I was told failing to call for an ambulance is not a criminal offense.

So Becky I wish you well with the civil action.

Susan, is there any way you might be able to place a memorial plague or something 'tasteful' for this 'upmarket place'?

Carol & Mike ~ Is that a convertable BUG!? I'm a believer! That boy is certainly watching over you both..

[lorijosherrell]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAYTON I KNOW THIS WILL BE THE BEST EVER. U R WITH GOD AND UR GRANDMA' S AND POPA SO EAT CAKE THAT'S ALL.I EVER WANTED FOR.U ON UR BIRTHDAY WAS TO BE ABLE TO EAT UR CAKE I LOVE U BABY BOY. UR BIRTHDAY LETTERS FROM THE RUG RATS WILL NE THERE LATER TODAY TRYSTA IS SENDING AIR MAIL

[Maddy6]

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Payton

Send sweet angel love and hugs to your Mom, remind her how much love you shared, and all the wonderful memories.

Laura,

Praying you will be comforted today with precious and sweet memories of Payton. We understand your loss and are here to be by your side, to hold your hand, to help you to be strong. In a moment, in a twinkling of an eye, you will see Payton again.

Love,

Maddy

[aim630]

Carol-I'm glad the results so far are good, although still a little inconclusive. I hope you and Mike ar able to find some peace this weekend about not finding any outright bad news. Also, I love that young Mike is always showing you he is watching over you.

Kate-We live in Northeastern Ohio, too far south to ever see the Northern Lights. My husband works part-time for the local newspaper as a photographer, and they sent him out to try to get a picture in the middle of the night. Of course, he could not see anything. Should have sent him up your way!

Susan-I am so sorry you were treated so disrespectfully. That whole incident could have been handled with compassion. Hugs to you, and I agree with Maddy (I think that's who said it. Wish we were all there to give the a piece of our mind.

Maddy-I know you're worried about your son. I hope you are able to get a second opinion. Sending you strength and courage as you make this difficult decision.

Well very little sleep last night (what's new). I'm going to lay back down.

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Payton!

Laura, thinking of you today. Payton is celebrating with all of our angels, as well as his grandparents, and eating the best cake ever!

Amy

[ericasmom]

PAYTON may this Birthday be spent in the midst of ANGELS and CAKE...Breeze past your Momma today and let her feel the energy that is YOU.

[Maddy6]

Cindy, the poem was so very beautiful and it spoke to my heart. I am so very sorry for your hurt and pain. So sorry for the loss of your precious son. The verse you post with your name, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." Romans 12:15, says so much. I have used it in my life when unsure how to comfort someone. Would that people would use that verse and follow it, there would be more comfort and sympathy in the world. Kate, I also loved, loved the poem you posted. I need to remember it on a daily basis and thank you for posting it.Carol, doing the happy dance for you and the wonderful news. So wonderful that they think Mike is looking well and improving so wonderfully. Heartwarming....yellow punch buggy .......have a wonderful day! Susan, you could always get their email address and sic your friends ( us ) on them!!!!Well, I have to run to class this morning, so gotta go!!!

Dee, looking for some more beautifully descriptive sentences this morning so I can be transported to the picturesque beauty!

Love,Maddy

[Amber37]

Shannon's mom- wow you composed yourself better than I would have. I think I would have went crazy on that girl. Very classy of you. That would have been heartbreaking to see those things that mean so much to you just thrown in a ditch. People are idiots sometimes. You always seem to know the right thing to say to people on here, but I'm sure my words aren't exactly making you feel better- sorry. It's been 3 weeks for me, only 5 months for you.... still trying out how to be this new person. Thanks for letting me ramble

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Happy Birthday, Payton!!! May your momma feel your presence today....

[hotrod]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY PAYTON

[ericasmom]

Thanks Maddy, no walk yet today but bird song and wind filling the air with sounds that are lovely. I am so happy for more sunshine today, and blue skies. This is a poem though, that I wrote many years ago having to do with the morning and light.

Light

Washed in the morning light,

a privilege to bathe in that which

opens the curtains to a new day.

And no matter the weather,

I trudge forward.

The morning soaks its hope

and energy into me,

causing me to feel

the holiness at the altar of the day.

I am washed in forgiveness,

in quiet splendor,

in passion and compassion,

and blessed anew in the promise that lies

in the light.

dee

[ericasmom]

I pm'd my response Becky, I think that it was very powerfully done.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dee Lovely poem . Your creative spirit enriches us all. Remember the poetry and short journal writing exercise you had us participate in last year? I read my "One More Day" and the poem yesterday and remembered Thank you

Trudi Thanks for the information regarding "the Broken Heart" syndrome. Not long after Stephen passed, I visited the Doctor and found that I had developed a condition whereby my heart did not contract normally. It stayed like a clenched fist and pumped rapidly without unclenching. No treatment is available. I need to take meds etc and to this day this condition exists I never attributed it to my loss but now I think it is very possible. The heart knows.

Susan and Becky I am so sorry for the rude and painful experiences that you endured at the hands of such callous people So glad you could come here and be understood and comforted.

Sherry Good to hear from both of you I am seeing definite signs of Spring here as well.

Carol in my prayers I have been posting to Ralph's care page.

Rhonda I understand about wanting to give and help another. I am showering nieces and nephews with things that they have on their forever wish lists. I too gave a great deal to Stephen and I would have given Him the world. If I could --- It is important that I can do for others.

Dear Indigo thanks for the poems , prayers and positive energy They have enriched my thoughts and day

Must run

[vivkib]

Happy Birthday, Payton, May your mom feel you all around her today.

[Jeff's Mom]

Happy Birthday,PAYTON. In the arms of the angels.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, loved your poem. Just beautiful.

Becky, I watched the video. I truly hope that people will stop and seriously take into account the heartbreaking circustances that can take place when they are distracted for even one second. A valuable lesson to always keep your eyes on the road.

Carol, thinking of you and Ralph today.

Amy...had your husband been here he would have been able to have taken some awesome pics for the paper of the Northern Lights. This time they were just white lights. Other times they are an array of colours dancing across the sky. Where we live in the country... we have very dark clear skies at night that are star filled. Just love it.

Don't forget to turn your clocks ahead tonight. One hour less sleep tonight. UGH! Woke up to brillianly sunny skies and a warm sun shining on us. The place is filled with tourists up here to take advantage of the last of winter to snowmobile and ice fish (Grumpy Old Men). Also a Pee Wee hockey provincial tournament is going on. Off to Gimli for errands. Have a good day, everyone.

Kate