Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Rooftops are white and spongy looking as the sun streams down upon th esnow. It is cold however so the melting from yesterday has halted mostly.

Diane, so good to see you this AM. I know that the minister was a huge part of your having a sense of calm over Nathan when he left. I am grateful that she could let you know all that she did.

I would also like to say that it is so good to have th eperspectives from the medical and police stand point to help make clear the many emotions that these first responders and dispatchers go through. Thanks to Trudi and Lori and Kathy whose experiences have let us know. did I leave someone out?

I have to remark about something said a few days ago by I think, Heydaddy. Did you say something about professional grievers? Can you clarify this as I don't get what you mean by this? I am 8.5 years on the road and while I am in a very different place than I was in those first two years, I consider myself a Mom in loss, in grief. I do see the sunshine, hear the birds, do meaningful work each day, take delight in life, but I grieve Eri's leaving, very much. I think compared to many, I came to accept, (i know this word disturbs many) my Daughter's life coming to an end with clarity and I learned to cope. I went back to work teaching when the summer that saw Eri leave ended, and I pushed myself to find the light in the days that were so very hard, and some of that is the personality I was born with, some of that is what I do believe Eri helped me with. I have nver believed that God took Eri but that God provides a place for all when it is time, when life here is no longer feasible. I never blamed God, though I have asked God to help me find a way to live my best life to honor Erica. But I will always consider myself a Mom whose heart is grieving for I will always miss Erica Eileen Reith. I hope I don't sound defensive, I don't feel on the defense, just wondering.

[Susie_q512]

Dee and Diane - I was wondering about you two. Glad you checked in!

[shorty16]

Carol

I read your post about wearing the black arm band if we are in mourning. I would be wearing it my entire life. But, with time and hard work, I do have happy times, but never stop missing my boy.

To my friends,

Monday is a funeral for a 21 year old boy who died of lung cancer. He lives just 3 blocks from us. He was diagnosed 2 months earlier.

I will wait, until people go on with there lives, to contact her and let her know she has a friend who knows.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[JD's Mom, Becky]

On a very cold and windy Saturday, February 25, 2012, my family and I put up 100 signs along our roadway and an adjacent roadway whose residents also helped us support our cause to lower the speed limit!

Me

My husband, Jerry

Our Road

My daughter, Jasmine

Jasmine's boyfriend, Raymond

[dwsmithrn]

becky....very proud of you and family.....JD is smiling down on you.....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks for your support, Diane. I felt good about it, then came in the house to get warm, and everybody was going their separate ways, just busy doing saturday stuff, and I ended up downstairs by myself for a while.... and looking out at the backyard, so many memories everywhere of that boy.... then I just started crying. I know he is proud of the things we are trying to do to honor him, but I would take him again over a million accomplishments, and any amount of money, any amount of anything. I miss him so much.

becky....very proud of you and family.....JD is smiling down on you.....

[ericasmom]

I agree with Diane, Becky, those signs are wonderful and the love shines out at us and tells the world what is at stake, so proud of the work you are doing to make others aware...and like you said, if we don't make changes then what was this about? I felt very strongly in that when we were in our case with the city of Kalamazoo and with Amtrak. We did eventually get the whole configuration changed through the college town, 4 stops reconfigured to make a much safer place for everyone.

[ericasmom]

Today is George (my favorite Beatle) Harrison's birthday. He died you know many years ago now, but his known last words were these:

Love one another. He said this to his son Dani and his wife Olivia.

He also believed fully in this next quote, he lived his life by it, wrote songs of it...

“Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.”

[ericasmom]

Listen and know, and read what is going across the screeen. What a beautiful man, a beautiful seeker of truth.

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[2 Angels in Heaven]

I've been to busy to check in until now.

I'm really glad I decided to share my experience with all of you. You've all given me such positive feed back that I might have to share a few more. I really don't think of most of my experiences often but they have all come flooding back into my memory since writing that one.

Susannah, If you think it will help your friend then share away!

Dee, Thank you for your prospective on things.

Becky, I love all the signs you and your family posted up and down the streets.

Diane, I have no doubt that the minister holding Nathans hand during the time he crossed over from this world, witnessed the angels coming down and guiding him up to heaven. I have seen it happen to many times to not believe that we are surrounded by our family and those that love us, that have passed before us and angels that come down and comfort us in those moments before and after death.

Susan, I was thinking about you today and wondering how you were doing.

[Guest msnher]

Karen - I have almost called you several times this week, but you know how much I hate to talk on the phone. I'd call, find out you're okay, and then want to hang up. Hugs to you a million times over!!!!! I'm so sorry for all the additional loss in your life and the lives of people you care about. I have no words.

Lori - Thank you!

Becky - The pictures brought tears to my eyes as I looked at the love displayed on those signs. Bless your heart for taking a proactive stance to honor your son's memory.

It's been much too cold and windy for the kids to go outside, so we have watched movies. We watched "The Sound of Music" and "Contact". We all have spring fever, let me tell you! They are going to go to the Boy's and Girl's club during spring break. They have several activities and field trips that the kids will enjoy.

I wish you all peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

karen....so good to see shawn's beautiful smiling face once again....i have missed you, but i do so understand. i have had that black cloud come and go so many times....it happens to be following me around lately and there is nothing i can do to move it right now. i am sorry for all of the losses you have been faced with and the missing of your son that haunts you. it is a burning flame from inside our hearts that will never go out...a continuous flame. a constant reminder that there is a love that resides there yet we can no longer see or touch or hug or talk to our boy. i know that constant burning. i 'get it'. i am sorry you have been so sad and lonely. i do miss you, my friend. hope you know that i think of you every day...and i do love and miss you....take care of yourself and visit when you want to.

love, diane

[ericasmom]

Oh my goodness Karen, today I was sitting here looking out the window and wondered where the heck you are, wondered if you decided to up and move or if you just needed to be quiet. I am so glad to see your Shawn's face but I am sorry that you are finding yourself in a bind with insurance, and to find your heart aching for losses that touch th ecore of your being. I know it all feels like it might be too much adn yet I cannot help but think of the word renaissance. That is what I think when I think of you and the point of change that you are facing. You will pivot somehow into the next phase that you will carve from this time.

Lori, thanks, I feel the same way with your posts.

[Jeff's Mom]

Listen and know, and read what is going across the screeen. What a beautiful man, a beautiful seeker of truth.

Thank you Dee, and as George sang, 'All Things Must Pass". Like an old oak tree shedding leaves in the fall with the hope of a spring renewal. Life is precious and it continues. Love never dies. There is the promise of a new beginning.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Gang,

I cannot read all that went on here in the last two days, but I will note that I read about the angels at the site of a shooting and cried with the appreciation for your witnessing this Lori, and for letting everyone here know this story. Our Babies did not leave this world alone, they were joined and carried off in a wonderful cloud of spirits.

When Erica's car was hit by the Amtrak back in July of 2003, two boys the same age as she were on the other side of the tracks, screaming NO NO, and her car spun and struck their car and continued to spin and land about 300 yards away. The two boys, football players for WEstern Michigan University ran to Eri's car. When they got near they both saw the same thing, they both saw that her car was filled with light, filled with light not from a light. They were 19 year old boys who when they opened Eri's door saw a girl who was surrounded by a silver light, they knew they could not touch her, that she was in very bad shape, but that they also knew that she was being cared for. Those two boys waited for many hours at the Trauma Hospital in Kalamazoo and stood with the many kids accumulating there upon hearing the news. They waited until my husband and I arrived, until Eri and Jon's dad arrived from the Chicago area on a rainy night in July, nearly 4 hours after she was hit, they waited there to tell us that Eri's car was filled with light and that she changed their lives forever, that they would never take anything for granted again. They came back each day of the 6 she hung on, and I took them to meet her. As they stood near her gazing at her, they cried and said that they knew she would be okay because they both knew that angels were all around her.

I am so grateful for Matt and Joel, for the ways that they were able to let Eri know and us know that she made a difference and that she was surrounded by Angels.

The photo I am attaching here is well known by those on this road for some time, but for those of you new to this place...this photo was taken by me one morning about 2 years after Eri died, maybe less. I was in the local forest preserve one morning, the sun had been up for hours, it was a Saturday morning. I was just walking kind of aimlessly and said, "Oh Eri, where are you?" As I said it, this happened, I snapped a photo knowing that She answered, " I am here, I am near."

Betsy...I know what you are saying about music. Jeff was the same. It filled our home. After he died I walked around in silence. I could not bear the sound of anything played on the radio that reminded me of him. It just hurt too much. Eventually after a long period of time I found that I was able to play some of his music. It was really hard at first, but it started to feel good after a period. But I must admit that every time I hear U2 play a song I feel a huge pain in my stomach. He adored that band and always played their music. They remind me so much of him.

Dee...thanks ofr sharing the picture of the shaft of light. How beautiful and amazing. I'm sure you have found that it is a source of comfort when you look at it.

Somebody spoke of angels yesterday. I would like to share an experience that my husband and I had last summer. As you know we have scattered our son's ashes in the woods overlooking the lake where we live. There is a clearing that we have placed a memorial bench at. There is also a small garden that we planted at the foot of the bench. As this is a wooded area and it takes approximately ten to fifteen minutes to reach it from the road it is very isolated and tucked away. It overlooks the lake perched on a cliff. To water the flowers we planted we have to climb down the cliff to the beach with a pail and gather water from the lake. One afternoon as my husband was down at the water's edge I was startled by a sound. I turned around to see two young people walking down the path towards me. A young man and woman. They appeared to be around late teens or early twenties.It took me by surprise... as we did not expect anybody else to be there. They walked up to us and the young man was so sweet and kind. He seemed too kind actually. While I stood talking to them I happened to notice that they were wearing clothes that were perfectly new. Absolutely everything was perfect. T-shirts that were brilliantly white and sneakers that had never been worn. She did not open her mouth once. He did all the talking. He asked if we came there frequently. I told him that it was our son's memorial site. He said nothing but only smiled kindly. He was perfectly I hate to say it but beautiful. Even though he was a guy. He then looked towards my husband as he was climbing the cliff with the pail of water. He reached out his hand and offered to take the pail for him . He then said to him... please let me help you I know your knees are hurting. How could he have known that? My husband was not limping or showing any signs of a problem. He has suffered from knee problems since university ages ago. He then took the pail and poured it over the flowers. And remarked...Just a little extra for this one...Something that I always said! They then climbed down to the beach. We sat down on the bench and looked back over the water. They were gone.

When we went back a few days later the pail was there behind a tree where we tucked it away filled to the brim with water. Again it happened a few days later. On the third trek in we found that the pail had disappeared. We put it down to pranksters. But how could they have known about his knees? About the extra drop of water I put on that particular few flowers? And I have raised two kids...no kid of mine was so perfectly put together. Not one mark on a piece of clothing. Still makes me wonder. That was it. It did not happen again. I almost expected to see them at some point over the summer . We were very downhearted at that point and felt completely bottomed out at Jeff's death. I would like to think it was a sign sent to give us encouragement and hope. I kept praying to God for a sign. Maybe that was it.

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[Guest msnher]

Kate - Wow - what a gift. I don't believe they were pranksters at all. I believe you and your husband received a spiritual visit - from whom, I don't know. I believe in all that stuff, though. I think it could have very well been your son. Odd that the bucket would be missing. I love a good mystery, and a divine mystery at that! This, by no way, compares to your experience, but my sister went through a real hard time after our mother died. One day, I very calmly said to no one there, "Mom, you really need to visit Arlene. She's suffering." The thought that came back was quite clear, "I do visit her, but she doesn't recognize me because I don't look or sound like I did while in my body." I'm reminded of a movie I saw on Hallmark once. I can't remember what the movie was about aside from the fact the father picks up a stranger and brings him home to stay with them for the holidays. At the end of the movie, it shows the father dropping the stranger off, on the side of the road, and as the stranger walks away, the father recognizes him as their son - who had died. Maybe it can happen???? The bible says something about entertaining angels unaware.

Karen - The kids are well, thanks for asking. Yes, I remember you getting choked up upon hearing their little voices tell me how much they missed me. Mariah now plays the flute. She has a solo in the school concert this week. I felt inspired to buy Jasmine a cat for her birthday. I now believe my inspiration must have been indegestion. Jonathon is thriving in all areas except for remembering to put on clean underwear every morning and brushing his teeth. That boy goes to great lengths to try to get out of brushing his teeth. He's actually pretty clever, but not as clever as his grandma. Just call me the tooth detective.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

I posted this on the thread "Message for Career Grievers". I read through Elisabeth Kubler Ross for the umpteenth time and thought I might post it here..These stages aren't set on a timetable nor in any particular order. The do however explain some of the feelings and behaviours we all experience.

"I did intepret your post 'literally'. Grief isn't something I 'choose'. Its almost like an involuntary behaviour. It is triggered without warning, continues to impact on my daily living, career and personality. So I guess I was coming from the idea that I was now a professional griever, when in fact my chosen profession was lost to grief."

(Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D.)

First Stage: Denial and Isolation - Often our initial reaction is shock and numbing resulting in denial. Denial is usually temporary, being replaced very gradually with partial acceptance. However, if there has been a history of trauma or loss and/or a history of resistant denial, this stage may be more difficult to transcend and may lead to more severe isolation.

Second Stage: Anger - Denial gradually gives way to anger, rage, envy and resentment. This stage can be very difficult for family and friends to cope with. However, with patience, listening, understanding and respect, family members and friends can help the transition through this stage as well.

Third Stage: Bargaining - In this stage, we revisit our childhood tendencies to bargain: If you do this, then I'll do that! However, its really an attempt to postpone the inevitability of the loss or trauma. "I won't be angry at you God, if you show me the reason he died." It also works subtly as a defense against any guilt we may be experiencing.

Fouth Stage: Depression - This is the stage that the greatness of the loss begins to be experienced. However, this loss can have many, many faces. It is not only the initial loss or trauma, but subsequent loss such as financial, friends, lifestyle, luxuries and necessities, court, trials, government systems, loosing a home, education and dreams. This is also the stage that excess guilt or shame can set in with loss of self-esteen. If the person "is allowed to express his [her] sorrow he will find a final acceptance much easier, and he will be grateful to those who can sit with him [her] during this stage of depression without constantly telling him [her] not to be sad,"

Fifth Stage: Acceptance - The person will reach a stage where he is neither depressed nor angry about "fate." Previous feelings have been expressed and losses mourned will result in weakness and the need for naps or additional rest or sleep. This is not avoidance or hopelessnes, but rather an "indication of the beginning of the end of the struggle." This is a stage where one is almost void of feelings, "the final rest before the long journey." This is a time for non-verbal support and silent acknowledgment of the "monumental task required to achieve this stage of acceptance."

This is how I see grief. I understood this process way before 'grief' became part of my life. The stages aren't sequencial, the ossilate, the final acceptance was one I could never reconcile with. I believed it was accepting the loss of my son....instead as I read it with experienced eyes I see it is where I have come to an uneasy truce with my grief.

[Maddy6]

Kate,Your story about the young man was beautiful. How comforting. Thank you for sharing that.

Maddy

[shorty16]

I found this in a book and want to share it with my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Shopping List

It’s time to go shopping again.

All of a sudden I’ve noticed that I’m completely out of generosity—I must look for some.

I also want to exchange the self-satisfaction I picked up the other day for some real humility. I’ve heard it wears better.

And I mustn’t forget to look for some tolerance, it’s a good substitute when you’re low on indulgence, and the last time I was shopping I saw some interesting samples of kindness I want to look at again.

Oh, I almost forgot—I must try to get some patience, too. I saw some on a friend yesterday, and it was very becoming.

Come to think of it, I must also remember to get my sense of humor mended, and keep my eyes open for some goodness—it’s surprising how quickly one’s stock of goodness becomes depleted.

Since there are several items on my list, I might as well make a day of it and indulge in a real shopping spree.

It would be a good idea for me to check to see if there is a special being offered on charity, optimism and love—things a person should never risk running out of.

Yes, it’s time to go shopping again. With such a long list, I’m sure glad the store is open all hours of the day and night, and that the Shopkeeper is so understanding. Otherwise, my negligence in letting these supplies run down so low could cost me dearly. As it is, the only price I’ll have to pay will be faith.

Yes, God, it’s time to go shopping again.

Barbara Johnson from Fresh Elastic for Stretched Out Moms

[ericasmom]

Nice Colleen, I really do have to grocery shop, I will remind myself of the things that are not so readily available on the shelves and search within...

Kate, that story brought a joy to my heart, your Angel was letting you know, showing you a sign that he is near, he hears, he listens, he knows...LOVELY.

Trudi, I remember in a psych class when I was about 18 or so, I read the stages of grief by Kubler/Ross. I thought how daunting it must be, and yes, she was so right.

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - I just now listened to my messages. I missed three...not sure how that happened. I'm sorry I missed your call. Although I am not much for talking on the phone these days, I do enjoy our visits. My recording has been changed, thanks for reminding me! Love the shopping list.

[dwsmithrn]

kate....i love the story of the visitors, and yes, i believe they were angels visiting you. i have always heard and read about 'angels among us' and i believe. thank you for sharing that heart-warming story. gives me hope that i may, one day, get to experience the same type of visit.

trudi....thank you SO SO much for your post of the stages of grief. i really needed to read that again. i honestly thought i might be losing it, going crazy, and yet, i've been told by our counselor that i am just going back and forth between the stages and it is a normal part of grief when losing a child. i was upset by 'the comment' made and that is why i backed away from this site for awhile. i felt i was being criticized and judged by where i was in my grief and didn't feel comfortable anymore. so, thank you for clarifying the stages and time table of grief. since there is no specific time/stage of grief for any one person, there should be no judgement or pointing of fingers or name calling on this site.

karen...i did get your message and i responded back. i am so glad to hear from you. thank you.

dee...thank you, also for responding to me and making me more comfortable and welcomed here.

whether i am having a sad day or a better day, i still love this site and love the people here. i still say you have saved my life and think that in itself would make my nathan happy.

thanks to all of you and know that i have you all in my thoughts and holding you close, love, diane

[dwsmithrn]

colleen...one day when i feel like going shopping, i'm taking you with me...we'll go together and maybe i will have the strength to gather all the things i need to be a new and improved 'me'...what do you think?

[Susie_q512]

I recently heard a comment made by a woman who lost her daughter almost 30 years ago. She said, "It doesn't get any easier. It doesn't go away. It just becomes familiar."

[Maddy6]

Susan,I like that, that is a good way to put it. It becomes familiar. I think I understand that description.

Maddy

[dwsmithrn]

wow susan....i talk with a lady often who lost her son 16 years ago and she said not a day goes by that she doesn't shed a tear for her son. she said she talks to him every single day. she said her heart still hurts, and she has changed because of it, but after 3-4 years she learned to pick herself up and try to live some kind of life for her family, but she is not the same. she is now 74 y/o.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, it's a bright , crisp sunny morning . I woke up,got out of bed and dragged a comb across my head...and went to wal-mart. I forgot my shopping list Colleen but I did buy dryer sheets! I'll have to underline tolerance on my list, I certainly pray for all the rest.

Karen !!! So good to see Shawn’s smiling eyes this morning. I've been sorting though a plan, my mind taking steps in another direction yet again. I'm so sorry you are in such a dark place and knowing that place, or one like it, I didn't want to be a pain in the arse and bother you with another call. What do you say we get married and I put you on my insurance? That’s as far as it goes though.

Kate, an amazing experience. An answered prayer sent to you in a form that we all can relate to. As far as the music, to me it was just so much noise, added to my already manic thoughts,grief, shock. I could not process it. Its good to know that you were also able to connect to Jeff's music, through music that he enjoyed. A spark of their life that remains, one of many.

Dee, a beautiful answer to you question from dear Erica.

I would like to request that we all say a prayer for 2 families very near to my home. I'll add a link. A co-worker added some news of the children still in the hospital. http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2012/02/one_triplet_sister_sent_home_f.html

Becky, its for causes like yours, the reduction of a speed limit , and like the story above, how many accidents, how may deaths does it take to change a speed limit, cut down a tree,move a telephone pole for better visibility in this case...DOT's I don't understand. Years to make a decision. What do they need to study aside the facts??Thank you for sharing the pictures.

Trudi, I missed the original post but caught a the gist of the writing previous. I thought I understood the train of thought and was offended as well. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe the OP was referring to being stagnant or the other extreme,not being able to process and grieve “properly” before another tragedy strikes again, having to “start over”. Not sure now. Maybe an explanation is forthcoming.

Indigo's, when I walk out the door and feel the cold wind upon my face it feels good. The wind feels alive and that is how I see my son. I see,feel and know that he is alive in every particle on earth and in heaven. He is now part of it all. Do I cry and at times want to scream after 3 years? Yes. Because I feel a comfort in the cold wind that blows does not mean I am over his death. Knowing of the pure love I feel for him and Sarah ( Sarah,the poem in my heart) allows me to take another step.

I'll see you all later.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks everyone. I was not sure if I was going to be able to share that story. When I told my sister it was met with skepticism. I will admit it lifted our spirit for weeks.

We are just about to head out for a long hike. The weather is again wintery. A bit of a breeze but not enough to keep us home. Wishing everyone a good day.

Kate

[johnryansmom]

I am trying every day to find a footing in life where I feel good about living. Last night my husband took me to a concert and there were many musicians my son's age ... and all I could do was sit there and think: I bet their parents were the kind of parents who watched over them, encouraged them, and that's why they're up there, playing music. And you, you crappy mother, were too busy in your career and with your boyfriends that you didn't encourage your son in wonderful things like music, and you didn't watch over him, and that's why he's dead.

My husband reminded me that I encouraged John Ryan in many things. And that we had a strong bond. And that I didn't control what John Ryan did or did not do in his life.

I'm sorry to be such a negative poster. I read all of the positive things you say to each other. I hope I get there some day. Most days it seems that I won't ever because I've lost my dearest son, and I feel like I didn't appreciate him, and wasn't there for him, when he needed me. I wish I could shake it because it's a hellish feeling.

Thanks for listening.

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[Maddy6]

Margaret - John Ryan's mom, I understand what you are saying you are not negative. You are grieving. It is OK to tell us how much you hurt and how badly you feel. {{hugs}} I am so sorry you are hurting. I understand.

Love, Maddy

[ericasmom]

Margaret, I so agree with Maddy, you are a Mom in the early stages of grief and while it may feel a hundred years ago since your life was "your old life", it was not long ago and finding your way is what you are trying to do. Never feel that to be here you must post positive remarks, it may be a while before you feel positively about anything, your activity here is for you to begin to feel a part of a group, not that you have to fulfill something first. In my early days of grieving and still sometimes, 8.5 years later, I apologize to ERi for the boyfriend I had for 3 years of her life, she hated him, so did my son, but I kept up with the creep. I put my selfish self first during that time. Later on, I broke up with him and am grateful for having been able to apologize to both of my kids, but still, I tell Erica, and yes, I do talk with her each day, that I am sorry for wasting so much energy adn time on one so obviously bad for us. I love talking to Eri, I do believe she is listening, that she gets it.

Betsy, you made me smile like crazy with your proposal idea, loved it.

Just a note to the comments about career grieving. I think that it was not said in harm, but in hope, so I hope too, that the idea here is not to hurt the messenger but to correct the message.

[dwsmithrn]

margaret....i SO understand your feelings....i am having so much trouble with guilt....i keep telling myself that if i had only known that nathan was so depressed that i could have done something to help him....that i should have known this, that i should have saved him....i feel more guilt than a person should be allowed to feel. i know, i understand, i get it. i talk about it to my counselor all the time. we work on it, we talk it out, she tries to help me realize that his mental illness was not my fault and what he hid from people, everyone, could not possibly be my fault, yet i continue to let it haunt me, night and day. he was bright, smart, witty, had his doctorate in OT and loved his patients and they loved him. he could help everyone else but himself....why could i, his mother, not help him? i struggle with this everyday and every night. i see his smile and yet the last picture of him, i can see the pain that hides behind his eyes...why did i not see this when he was face to face? was i trying too hard NOT to see what i thought i saw? i carry most of the blame for not running to him and asking him what was wrong and can i help? i talked to him 2 days before, on his birthday and he acted perfectly normal...same ole cheery nathan, plans for the future...then some texting on the next day that did not sound right and it worried me, but i did not go to him like i should have...then the next day my son called with the terrible, horrible news and i have not been the same since that day. yes, i have carried the guilt with the grief....i, too, need to figure out how to rid myself of the guilt....i love that boy and i miss him so much that words cannot discribe that phrase. my heart still aches as if it were day 1. all of a sudden in the last week, i fall to my knees and worry that i am forgetting the sound of his voice and scream out to the heavens to hear him one more time. how can a mother forget the sound of her child's voice? and once again, a new guilt hits.

maddy, i need to know how to get rid of guilt and i simply don't know how....

love, diane

[Maddy6]

[mikesmum]

Just a note to the comments about career grieving. I think that it was not said in harm, but in hope, so I hope too, that the idea here is not to hurt the messenger but to correct the message.

Dee ~ You're so right. I read the title and went with 'my interpretation' of its meaning. The choice of words might have been incorrect but the message was relevant.

On that note its hard to express ourselves sometimes without seeming to offend, dismiss or appear to disregard others and their experience.

After 5 yrs on this road, I attempt to acknowledge some positives in my life that allow me to take those breaths, those steps, to live on each day. I write them to remind me that I have much to be thankful for. I have found though, that these writings of my children & grandies, can cause distress for those who have lost their one, their only child. For that I am truly sorry.

With the stages of grief there is also an addendum ~ the degrees of grief, the flow on affect that ripples through the rest of our journey.

Raining here ~ tropical rain backed with humidity.

Colleen ~ I'm going shopping. Thank you.

[Guest msnher]

Trudi, I also appreciate you posting the stages of grief. Lately, two and a half years later, I find myself extremely tired. I can't say I'm numb right now (been there, done that - might go there and do that again) but it's nice to know that needing extra rest is part of the journey...even though I'm not eaten alive by the pain constantly anymore.

Right now, as I type this, I can hear my almost 28 yr old son outside, in the alley, playing with his gas driven, remote control car. It's freezing outside! His mother should tell him to put on a hat, at least.

[mikesmum]

Quote from my calendar for the month of March. I guess it could also be the opening Preface for our 'You didn't just say that' book.

"Yeah I'm a big girl. And when I need to I can rise to any occassion. I put on my 'can- do' anything face, jump in over my head, and learn to swin on the way up. But don't be fooled. I struggle just as much as anyone. Underneath my' can-do' face facade I'm shaking in my boots, and its really hard to get my sparkling and effervescent personality to twinkle and shine! So if I get a little testy with you, don't take it personally. And please....don't tell me to put on my big-girl panties and deal with it. I am wearing 'em, but they're starting to bunch up, OK. "

[ericasmom]

Anais Nin said this:

Through love, through friendship,

a heart lives more than one life.

I do believe it is so.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Where is all the talk about "Career Grieving" coming from? I must have missed something...

Trudi, I also want to thank you for posting the stages of grief.

Kate, I agree with everyone and believe you were visited by angels! That is such an awesome experience! Don't doubt or dismiss it for any reason, go with what you felt at the time it happen. Your gut feelings are usually correct.

Karen, I'm glad to see your still posting here. I Just came back to BI a few weeks ago and feel I've missed so much! I really connected to you and everyone that was on this site when I first came here.

I've been thinking about everyone that helped me in the beginning of my journey here on BI. But couldn't remember what was said that changed my life. So, I went back and started reading some of my post & replies from the beginning of my journey here. I'm amazed how far I've come in a year! I still have some of the same issues but, my head isn't in such a raw place anymore. I really owe all of you a Huge Thank You and a Great Big Hug!

I was wondering what happen to Tony, Brendan's Dad, Baby Marley's dad (I think his name was CJ?) and Pam, Andy's mom? Do they still post here? Does anyone know how their doing?

[mysonrich]

Sunday, February 26

This evening the crescent Moon pairs with Jupiter, and it's Venus's turn to be the spectator.

<LI>The Beehive Cluster in Cancer is as easy and well-known binocular target high in the late-winter sky. Farther and fainter is another cluster in Cancer, M67, an interesting and not-hard binocular catch. See Gary Seronik's Binocular Highlight column and chart (and the all-sky constellation map for finding Cancer) in the March Sky & Telescope, page 45.

Karen, I did not want to intrude. W all need the sorting,thinking, time. going outside now.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Oh Dee, This made me chuckle and I hope it gives you a laugh too! I went back to read some old things on here. So, I randomly picked a page, I started reading a post from you and it said "Sherry, 11 Inches, WOW"...... My mind started wondering what you were talking about and I didn't want to assume, I knew. So, I had to go back to Sherry's last post and read what was 11 inches and to my amazement you weren't talking about, what I thought you were. (Joking) She had 11 inches of snow fall the night before.

[johnryansmom]

To Dee, Maddy and Diane ... thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I identify so strongly with your stories. Some pressure came off me reading them, so I send you my gratitude.

I took a walk this afternoon and talked to John Ryan and I told him that, today, I just realized what was going on before he died:

He and I were very close because I was a single mom and it was just him and me for about 10 years, and we had so much fun together. I moved around a lot in my career and he was a trooper about it all, always excited about our new adventures in living. He was the funniest little kid, then became a teenager with that certain sparkle in his eyes, then an adult full of wit and the quirkiest sense of humor. I can't tell you the number of times where he'd have me in stitches of laughter wthhere I couldn't catch my breath. HOWEVER, there were times through the years when we'd both be in bad moods at the same time, and we could be just awful to each other. A few days later, we'd both realize it and feel bad and apologize. The 3-4 months before John Ryan died, this is what was happening - we'd had an argument and decided not to talk for awhile, then when we talked we decided not to talk about that one certain thing (him getting on with his life and taking responsibility for it), and although we exchanged several affectionate emails and some 'fun' ones, and we had several semi-normal conversations on the phone, in truth our relationship had become strained. Then he died.

So I told him this today, that I know what was going on, just like when he was at home before he left for college, that we were just not being nice to each other, and that I regretted it so much and wish I could go back in time and nip it in the bud ... and a feeling came over me that said he regretted it too. Only problem is, there were no hugs afterward. But I suppose I can be grateful for this small episode.

I know I'll get through it. I think you lovely people sharing your stories sort of opens possibilities for others. I will try to be a support to you, too. Just need some time.

God bless and peace to you all.

Margaret

[Susie_q512]

Glad to see some humor shining it's light into my dark world. Though still broken and very sad, I find I'm wearing a smile....if only for this moment.

Thanks, Girls!!

[mysonrich]

Dee, this was taken the day you were telling us about your bird count. It reminded me of Bethany and something Marcia said about crows in Native American culture. crows as vistors. There were many out of the frame and I couldn't help but wonder you they all were.

My little point and shoot camera and airport light...looks much better in person. tractor and hay bailer.

Anyone here from Sherry?

[url=http://s645.photobucket

[dwsmithrn]

betsy....you should be 'here'...my husband is out on the deck, (we have a double decker) so he is on the top deck with he huge telescope, in the dark, with his brand new sky and tel on the kitchen table with a few other magazines and charts and not only looking at what's in the sky, but his hobby is splitting doubles....he is a member of the amateur astronmer club in our town and he loves it. he would love the company. he loves to go to schools and parks and teach what he sees/finds in the sky. his club arranges for these events and all of them take their own scopes and set up and stay out late to let others share the night sky with them. i am glad he has an interesting hobby he loves.

have fun outside in the cold.....love ,diane

[Dru]

Hi, my name is Dru and would like to tell about my experience the night my daughter Broni died.

I am not sure about miracles, but I am a very spiritual person and have had many amazing experiences in the past with spiritual matters. I would like to share with you what I experienced. Broni was on Life Support and ECMO machines (which were keeping her alive) for 16 days with extreme Swine Flu, on the 16th day her own ammune system cleared her lungs and for the first time the doctors gave us the thumbs up, were going to wean her from the ECMO machine next day. So much excitement and joy, I rang everyone to tell them the good news. I was over the moon to know she was going to be OK. But half an hour later, Broni had a massive brain hemorrhage and was rushed off for surgery immediately. I was left in utter complete shock, stunned and disbelief.

Richard and I waited in a room on our own, waiting for the operation to be over, I closed my eyes and put all my focus on Broni, and she appeared before me, lying down in same position as she had for many days,but at her head sitting crosslegged was a Sharman, an american indian medicine man with 2 plats coming forward either side of his face, and a headband with feathers. Behind him were many, many other Sharmen, chanting over and over, then 2 eagles appeared flying overhead.

On one side of Broni was my father and on the other side was my brother ( both who passed on long ago but still very much loved and missed by me), both holding her hands. I was sitting at her feet and went to reachout and hold her feet, to touch her, but I was unable to, suddenly knowing thatI was there to witness a ceremony only, and that I could not touch or hold my Broni during this ceremony, only watch.

At this time I then saw Richard, my husband, sitting still beside me on myright hand side and knew he was there with me, but that he was not seeing what I was seeing.

Then the Sharman at Bronis’ head began drawing out from her head this smokey wispy looking substance, white in colour. He kept drawing it out with his fingertips, one hand at a time from the top of her head and it was floating upwards into the air where the eagles were circling around keepingwatch over it as it floated upwards, like escorting it to a safe place. I remember thinking it is not red, it shouldbe red blood, surely he is fixing her brain heamorage so it should be red blood, butit wasn’t. Slowly I started to know thenwhat was going on, but still I pleaded with my father and brother to hold herdown here on earth, keep her here, she was not ready to go, she was too young and had her whole life ahead of her and I needed her with me, but theywere not listening to me, they were here to be with Broni only.

I knew for sure then that they had come down to be with Broniso she was not alone and was with people she knew and loved her, to take herwith them to the spirit world.

All the while thru this the Sharmen in the background were chanting a ceremonial chant for receiving souls up into spirit world, while the Sharman at Bronis’ head kept drawing out her soul in a gentle and ceremonial waytill there was no more wispy bits left.

It was only then that the doctors came into the waiting roomand I already knew that Broni was no longer in her body, that her spirit hadalready gone to the spirit world. They said she only had hours left to live.

I know how much of a privilege I was given to have been takento witness such a ceremony, to “see” my Broni being taken such beautiful careof, with special tender love and reverence.

I also know that Broni had a lot to do with my being there aswell, because she knew it would give me comfort to “see” the beginning of her New Journey, to know that she was not alone but with loved ones who I know will take care of her and love her as I do. She knew that I would be able to “see” and that that would help me to move on to my new journey as well.

One day when the emotional and mental sides to me settle down a little and the hurting pain and gut wrenching ache settles to a lower degree,then I hope to be able to go to this place with a lighter heart maybe, and seeit in a more comforting way, because in my heart and being I know that I was shown this ceremony to comfort me with the loss of my precious Broni.

So when the ECMO and Life Support was turned off, horrific and painful as it was, I already knew that Broni was no longer in her body. Not that that made it any easier to accept, but it helped me in those first few hours, knowing and "seeing" she was so beautifully accepted into the Spirit world with loved ones.

Another amazing thing was that when Broni was 11 to about 15 years old, she would always say she would not live beyond 30 years old and if she did she would go to the Bermuda Triangle (where she said she would dissapear) She was serious when saying it but we would say "oh yeh" and think no more of it. Broni was 31 when she died.

Without this experience I know that I would be totally wrecked now with no return, and it does not make it any easier or less painful to live on now, but it seems like the cermony was shown to me to mark my new journey with my Broni on another level, no longer a physical one. I always told Broni she was an "Old Soul" and she would look at me and just smile. I appreciate being able to come here to express myself, it helps a little. Love and care to all the hurting parents and grandparents out there.

Dru

[dwsmithrn]

dru...that is absolutely beautiful....thank you for sharing your story with us. i know it must have been so difficult to do so.

your broni is in a safe and priviledged place of honor. thank you for trusting us with your treasured vision. love, diane