Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

double post. sorry

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[Kenn]

.

[Maddy6]

I do not ever want to forget my beautiful, precious daughter. I DO want to have peace and live life for my family's sake. Live as Rachael would want me to.

I am making progress and I thank all of you. You have listened, given me comfort and patience.

I also thank you for those of you longer on this road, there are too many names and I don't want to leave anyone out, but I speak to ALL of you. Please continue to share and offer your words of wisdom. You posted one day that helping others was a key in the recovery process, and that helped me immensely. You have patiently listened to my rantings and my angry, crazy, and even embarrassing outbursts. Thank you. You have told me to work toward getting physical exercise, that has helped.

Dee....I have started reading the book you suggested "The Sum of our Days," thank you.

To all of you....please continue to guide me and teach me, teach all of us....the way out of this nightmare we have found ourselves in.

My situation is that in many ways I am like I am newly grieving. Because I had undergone so much from the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina, when Rachaeld died. I went to work full time, and then would eventually go to school full time at the same time. I was afraid to stop. Afraid to stop and face the pain. Afraid I would take my own life in my pain and desperation of my shattered dreams and my heartache. I know now I was selfish and weak. I accept that. I have stopped, I am trying to heal now and be a mom again. Be the mom I used to be and enjoy life. All of you have helped me. Your strength and courage have influenced me. Thank you so very much and please continue to show me the way..........several of you are, and have, endured difficult circumstances, yet you are strong. You are a light to me. I want to live and honor Rachael's memory.

LOVE,

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 others also.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[Kenn]

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[2 Angels in Heaven]

I missed one day of being on here and WOW there is a lot of conversations that went back and forth. I so want to respond to so much of what was said! But unfortunately, I don't have the time right now, gotta go to work! Hopefully it will be slow at work so I have time to write to you all.

I wanted to throw this out there for those new to this site. I'm a Paramedic, FF. I know all to much about complaints of response time and other problems brought forth by the community and families. Becky, I can't speak individually about your case and why it could have taken so long for rescue to arrive. But, as a general statement; It's not usually the fault of rescue crews, that it takes so long to get to a call. Here are some scenarios for extended response times. When accidents occur a lot of times dispatch is given general areas of the location of the call, when multiple calls come in for the same accident different people will give different locations to where the call is. Traffic is another reason. Especially, when it backs up making our access timely and more difficult. Most people don't think about this but there are only so many emergency units on the road working. How many Rescue units work at your local fire station each day? How many Fire stations are in your town? How far away is the closest station to your location? What happens when all the rescue units are already on calls, when another call comes in? This means we have to rush to wrap up the call were on to respond to another or have a unit respond from another town. Unfortunately tax payers don't want to pay into taxes to increase police, medical and fire to a standard that is appropriate for you city, town, county, etc. I could go on and on but, I guess you get the point. As medical professionals, we do this job because we genuinely want to help people and save lives. Most of us jeopardize our own lives to save that of others. Plus, believe me we feel the pain when some one dies! We take that pain home with us and replay the scenarios in our heads over and over again. We beat ourselves up wondering if there was something else we could have done. Sadly there isn't! When God wants you back, your leaving despite of all the interventions to keep you here. BTW, PTSD is very common for rescue workers. I carry around in my head, calls that I've run from over 20 years ago! We don't forget any child that has ever died in our calls. This might sound crazy but it's the truth. I've seen angels surrounding those that have died, caressing them, loving them, comforting them. In a traumatic atmosphere there is peace.......

Becky, if you want explanations to the medical terms used, I can translate them if you want.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[Maddy6]

1330099031' post='84385']

I missed one day of being on here and WOW there is a lot of conversations that went back and forth. I so want to respond to so much of what was said! But unfortunately, I don't have the time right now, gotta go to work! Hopefully it will be slow at work so I have time to write to you all.

I wanted to throw this out there for those new to this site. I'm a Paramedic, FF. I know all to much about complaints of response time and other problems brought forth by the community and families. Becky, I can't speak individually about your case and why it could have taken so long for rescue to arrive. But, as a general statement; It's not usually the fault of rescue crews, that it takes so long to get to a call. Here are some scenarios for extended response times. When accidents occur a lot of times dispatch is given general areas of the location of the call, when multiple calls come in for the same accident different people will give different locations to where the call is. Traffic is another reason. Especially, when it backs up making our access timely and more difficult. Most people don't think about this but there are only so many emergency units on the road working. How many Rescue units work at your local fire station each day? How many Fire stations are in your town? How far away is the closest station to your location? What happens when all the rescue units are already on calls, when another call comes in? This means we have to rush to wrap up the call were on to respond to another or have a unit respond from another town. Unfortunately tax payers don't want to pay into taxes to increase police, medical and fire to a standard that is appropriate for you city, town, county, etc. I could go on and on but, I guess you get the point. As medical professionals, we do this job because we genuinely want to help people and save lives. Most of us jeopardize our own lives to save that of others. Plus, believe me we feel the pain when some one dies! We take that pain home with us and replay the scenarios in our heads over and over again. We beat ourselves up wondering if there was something else we could have done. Sadly there isn't! When God wants you back, your leaving despite of all the interventions to keep you here. BTW, PTSD is very common for rescue workers. I carry around in my head, calls that I've run from over 20 years ago! We don't forget any child that has ever died in our calls. This might sound crazy but it's the truth. I've seen angels surrounding those that have died, caressing them, loving them, comforting them. In a traumatic atmosphere there is peace.......

Becky, if you want explanations to the medical terms used, I can translate them if you want.

Lorri,Will you tell us of the angels you have seen? I need so much to know about this......please tell me everything.

Love,Maddy

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[Guest msnher]

Becky - I, too, had to try to answer all the questions. I wanted to know EXACTLY what my child experienced as she lay there, dying. My daughter laid there from 5 to 10 minutes, alone, dying. I've lamented over all the same issues you're lamenting over, now - and the end result is always the same - she's still gone. It's that final fact that causes me to revisit those tormenting "whys" over and over again. Trying to make sense out something that doesn't make sense. Trying to comprehend the incomprensible. I've never blamed anyone for her death other than Stephanie, herself, and God. The compassion shown towards me from the EMT's and the deputy (first responder) broke my heart for them. The only question I asked them was "if she died immediately, why wasn't her death pronounced until she got to the hospital?" They said it was because they were hoping......

Lori - The responding deputy came to our house a couple of times. The second time he was here, he asked if he could see pictures of Stephanie to get the image of her at the accident out of his head.

[Jeff's Mom]

Lorri,Will you tell us of the angels you have seen? I need so much to know about this......please tell me everything.

Love,Maddy

2 Angels in Heaven...I just would like to say how very impressed we were with the wonderful paramedics that attempted to revive our son. The professionalism and determination to do everything they possibly could was obvious. I cannot express enough my gratitude to each and every one of them. They sent six paramedics! It was a quiet evening. He was already gone when they arrived despite frantically attempting to apply CPR by my husband. We live in the country. They worked for as long a time as was possible. When they finally decided it was time to stop one of them came to me and asked permission. It was done so respectfully and kindly. She was also concerned about my own health. I appeared to be going into shock. I also take heart meds. They were absolutely wonderful. And when they left they each came up to me and offered their condolences and a couple of the women gave me a huge hug.

I can relate to what you are saying. It must be so be so very hard to witness the things that you do. After all you are the ones that are the first to arrive on the scene. So, from the bottom of my heart I thank each and every one of you! God Bless You.

Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Susannah,

You truly understand my pain. I thought I had gotten past those thoughts, but this report from the 1st responders brought it all back again, with even more questions than I had before. I am quite sure the responders carry this memory, as two of them were friends of ours. Guys that we know from our association in the school system and through the football and cheer programs that Jerry and I are administrators of. I know they did everything they could once on scene, but by that time, Jared was already dead. The report states "tremendous amount of blood loss". There does seem to be some indication of some electrical activity, which is why I guess they tried to take measures to bring him back. They recognized him as my son, so I know that became very personal at that point. It was too late, 16 minutes or more had passed. They also took him to the hospital to be pronounced, and I guess they tried to revive him there as well, as there were $3000 worth of charges from that facility. I don't understand that either, why they just didn't pronounce him. How can you justify an attempt to revive almost an hour later, knowing he had already bled out.

I know whatever is ever disclosed will not bring my son back, just like trying to reduce the speed limit here won't bring him back, but if it does lessen the chance that another such incident could happen, then it will be worth all my pain.

A line from my poem "Truth" reads,

"If no lesson is learned, no change is made,

Then he is the only one who has paid."

Becky - I, too, had to try to answer all the questions. I wanted to know EXACTLY what my child experienced as she lay there, dying. My daughter laid there from 5 to 10 minutes, alone, dying. I've lamented over all the same issues you're lamenting over, now - and the end result is always the same - she's still gone. It's that final fact that causes me to revisit those tormenting "whys" over and over again. Trying to make sense out something that doesn't make sense. Trying to comprehend the incomprensible. I've never blamed anyone for her death other than Stephanie, herself, and God. The compassion shown towards me from the EMT's and the deputy (first responder) broke my heart for them. The only question I asked them was "if she died immediately, why wasn't her death pronounced until she got to the hospital?" They said it was because they were hoping......

Lori - The responding deputy came to our house a couple of times. The second time he was here, he asked if he could see pictures of Stephanie to get the image of her at the accident out of his head.

[shorty16]

Becky,

Our boys died at the hands of someone else. In my case, Brian put himself on the hood of that car. Brian put himself in a very bad situation.

As mad as I am at Brian, I was equally mad if not more at the driver and other passenger.

It has been 3.5 years and I have begun to forgive them.

We both know that the driver's that killed our kids did not wake up that morning and say "I am going to Kill Brian and JD." That did not happen.

However, their neglegence led to our sons death.

As a good friend said to me "Colleen, you will bang your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore." For me, i am still banging, but not as much as in the beginning.

Stay strong my friend

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Becky, Another common thing that happens with response times is... We the Rescue workers sometimes forget to tell dispatch we are on scene. Especially, if it's a really bad call. Our adrenaline gets pumping, we pull up to a scene, see someone that really needs our help and jump out of our truck's, run to render aid without telling dispatch we have arrived. Therefor, the times listed on a report are not accurate. Also, sometimes the dispatcher is busy giving another call out or the radio frequency is busy and we are not about to sit in our trucks and wait to tell dispatch we are there, when someone needs us. Also, depending on how small your area is, there may only be one dispatcher! That dispatcher is answering the phone, typing the information being given to them, dispatching out the call to rescue and possible giving the person on the phone next to the patient directions on how to care for them until rescue arrives. Add to that multiple calls coming in for the same scene. The dispatcher has to get accurate information from each caller to ensure there isn't more then one accident. So, sometimes they don't hear us going arrival and/or forget to put us arrival. By time they put us in the computer system as being on scene it could be several minuets later. They can't go into the system and changes those times. So, they remain inaccurate on our reports. However, the dispatcher will put that information into the notes of the call. Which, is something you won't see when you get copies of our reports. As far as the RN on scene not doing anything, I would speculate a few things. One, she thought there was nothing she could do. Two, RN's are not trained in Emergency Medicine. They work in controlled situations with lots of other people to help. The RN may have never worked in an ER at the Hospital and might not have been exposed to trauma. Therefor, not knowing what to do. Three, she didn't have PPE's (Personal Protective Equipment) IE: Gloves, mask, eye protection, etc. Medical professionals are trained to protect our selves from blood, disease and dangerous situations. Do you know she didn't touch him? It only takes a couple seconds to reach down and check a pulse. Maybe, she already knew he had passed on. There are times when we only have to look at out patient and know they are gone. As a Paramedic, we are trained to try and save lives even if we know they are gone and there is nothing we can do.

Lastly, The RN could have been personally involved (Knew your son?) or has a son, family the same age and seeing your son that way she related it to herself and froze! This happens a lot! I was trained to not look at the patient in a personal matter. Sounds harsh, I know but we would fall apart if we did and wouldn't be of help to anyone. We look at the situation and zone in on what needs to be done. We don't look at the patient and think OMG, this could be my son.... It's not until after we do our job and reflect back, that we personally relate to all involved and then sometimes, fall apart.....

[Susie_q512]

Becky - My heart really does break for you as I witness your pain and your search for answers and truth. My hope is that you will find the answers to all of your questions....that truth will be found, and that it will bring some relief to you. The questions....the "why" and "how" could this have happened drives us insane. They are so unrelenting, so tormenting. The only truth that I have become sure of is this: No explanation, no answer will ever be good enough to justify the death of our children.

I think a lot about Shannon's accident, and I can make absolutely no sense of it. The day was beautiful, and the area of the accident was unobstructed, so visibility wasn't the cause. She wasn't speeding, so speed wasn't involved. Her radio was broken, so she wasn't distracted by it. She wasn't using her phone, so that wasn't the cause. I'll never know what caused her that one small moment of distraction....that one small moment in time that cost her her life and placed those who love her into this horrible new life. I suspect that like so many of us have done and continue to do, that she was looking for something in the passenger seat....just reaching for something. I ask her all the time, "Shannon, what was so important that it couldn't wait? What was so important that it cost you your life?" I'm only met with silence.

Two good people stopped when they came upon the accident. They arrived literally within mere moments. They were with her as she took her last two strangled breaths. She wasn't conscience. According to both of them, there was no struggle....she was peaceful. The man who was with her stated that they were afraid to touch her, so the two of them just stayed with her until paramedics arrived. I don't blame them for my daughter's death, but I often wonder "what if". What if one of them had touched her....attempted to clear her airway? Applied pressure to the areas of excessive bleeding? Pulled her from the car and started CPR? Would it have made any difference? I'll never know....I will only have these haunting questions with no answers....I'll never know the possibility of what might have been had something, anything been done differently.

I've read the police report, and it did take longer than I would have expected for them to arrive....the Fire Department is on the same road as the accident occurred....less than two miles from the scene. Still, I know they did the best they could for her. The report reads that they worked "relentlessly" to revive her, and I believe that to be true. I remember one of the paramedics sitting in the ambulance when my daughter and I arrived and were allowed to view Shannon. He was crying. He sat in the passenger seat and wept. He did this as quietly as he could so as not to disturb or upset us, but we could hear him. We noticed his attempts to keep his face and his tears hidden from us. I've often wondered why he was crying? For us? For Shannon? For his own sense of failure at not being able to save her life?

In the days following the accident, I found out that many of those dispatched to work the scene were connected to Shannon or our family. The Chief of Police's son knew her. The investigating officer's daughter knew her. One of the officer's went to school with my husband. One of the detectives was a close friend of my husband's sister. It goes on and on, so those at the scene took it personally and treated us with compassion and dignity while struggling to maintain their professionalism and simply do their job.....how hard that must have been for them. It was my experience that their first priority was to take care of the family. That's all they could do as nothing could be done for Shannon.

I hate to utter or write these next words, but I am thankful that Shannon was the only fatality that day. The other driver suffered minor injuries and was released the same day from the hospital. I am thankful that she was not responsible in that moment of her distraction, for taking another's life or causing serious injury to him. I am thankful that she was the only one in her vehicle. I am thankful that I do not have to worry about possible litigation or a law suit filed against us.

Becky, I don't know why people panic or freeze or lie to save themselves when faced with events such as your's. I think of the Bible verse "Be sure your sin will find you out."....or something like that. My prayer will be that if this woman was negligent and deceitful, that her sin will be found out, and she will be held accountable. If she is not held accountable in this lifetime, please remember that there is a God who knows the truth, the very depths of our hearts, our motives. While some may escape penalty for awhile, they cannot escape the knowledge of God. He is the only One who knows every detail of events, and He cannot be deceived. I feel hypocritical as I type these next words, because I know where I am spiritually right now, and I am acutely aware of my failure to do what I am about to advise you to do....Guard your heart, Becky....as best you can.

[Maddy6]

Reposted

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[Kenn]

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[2 Angels in Heaven]

I posted my last reply without going back and reading what else had been posted. I'm at work and it's taking me a lot longer to write due to interruptions. I will write about my experiences with angels, I'm just not sure how long it will take to get it posted.

Becky, The hospital may have tried to revive him because there was a glimmer of hope in saving him. Plus, when ever a young person is dyeing, we will try for as long as it takes to know for certain every possible thing has been done to save them. Plus, if they don't try, then they are opening them selves up for a lawsuit. And, they wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing they didn't do everything. The fact he was in PEA (Pulseless Electrical Activity) they tried to save him. If they could have found the cause of bleeding (Place of biggest blood loss) and corrected it, gave a blood transfusion there could have been a possibility of life. BUT, I'm saying life, not your son as you knew him. Without having been there and not reading the reports, I'm going to guess your son had a major head injury which would have caused significant brain damage or brain death long before his body died. I'm so, so, so sorry if what I'm writing is causing you more pain. (Dam, I know it is! I'm truly sorry) But, you want answers and I'm trying to help. If I'm correct in what I wrote, then you can have peace knowing your son did not suffer, nor did he know what happen.

Susannah, I'm sure the deputy was helped tremendously by seeing pictures of Stephanie.

Kate, Thank you for telling me of your experience with the EMT's. We really do have great concern for the families. We grieve for them. I guess it's in our nature to be compassionate. Which is why we chose our careers in helping people.

Susan, The Paramedic you spoke of was crying for all those reasons. But probably mostly for the loss of such a young, beautiful life.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Becky, Sorry, I didn't realize the driver was the RN.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Heydaddy,

I am willing to forgive the truth of what happened, I just haven't heard it yet.

Saying all that is a long way to say I want to be forgiven, so I will damn sure be willing to forgive other idiots like myself.

There is a time to punish with a rod of iron, but there is also a time for mercy. My prayer for you and Becky is that you will find the answers you need and be able to forgive.

Forgive me if you think I'm just an idiot. I hope saying that will make you smile. Just don't kill the idiot please.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sweetie, you couldn't cause me more pain that I have already had. I understand what you are saying, and you are correct in that it was a major head injury, I appreciate your saying what you did, because it helps to know that he probably never knew what hit him or that he suffered. I still don't understand what the hospital did, as they did not do any blood transfusion, and without it, anything else would have been pointless. I understand if it is to avoid any lawsuit.

There is a terrific thunderstorm going on right now.... not slowing traffic down one bit... maybe it will finally wash away the bloodstain on the road that is still visible after almost 5 months....

To all of you that have responded, thank you for continuing to be my lifeline.

I posted my last reply without going back and reading what else had been posted. I'm at work and it's taking me a lot longer to write due to interruptions. I will write about my experiences with angels, I'm just not sure how long it will take to get it posted.

Becky, The hospital may have tried to revive him because there was a glimmer of hope in saving him. Plus, when ever a young person is dyeing, we will try for as long as it takes to know for certain every possible thing has been done to save them. Plus, if they don't try, then they are opening them selves up for a lawsuit. And, they wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing they didn't do everything. The fact he was in PEA (Pulseless Electrical Activity) they tried to save him. If they could have found the cause of bleeding (Place of biggest blood loss) and corrected it, gave a blood transfusion there could have been a possibility of life. BUT, I'm saying life, not your son as you knew him. Without having been there and not reading the reports, I'm going to guess your son had a major head injury which would have caused significant brain damage or brain death long before his body died. I'm so, so, so sorry if what I'm writing is causing you more pain. (Dam, I know it is! I'm truly sorry) But, you want answers and I'm trying to help. If I'm correct in what I wrote, then you can have peace knowing your son did not suffer, nor did he know what happen.

Susannah, I'm sure the deputy was helped tremendously by seeing pictures of Stephanie.

Kate, Thank you for telling me of your experience with the EMT's. We really do have great concern for the families. We grieve for them. I guess it's in our nature to be compassionate. Which is why we chose our careers in helping people.

Susan, The Paramedic you spoke of was crying for all those reasons. But probably mostly for the loss of such a young, beautiful life.

[Susie_q512]

There is a terrific thunderstorm going on right now.... not slowing traffic down one bit... maybe it will finally wash away the bloodstain on the road that is still visible after almost 5 months....

Oh yes, the blood stains remain for far too long....as does the orange spray paint used to mark the position of her car's tires....and the ruts carved out in the grass beside the sidewalk which mark the violence the collision and the final resting place of her car. That's where my daughter died, not alone, but without me there to hold her, comfort her, and tell her of my great love for her.

Those reminders are always present, but I suspect that even if they fade and disappear, we'll always remember them. (((hugs))) to you, Becky.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Here is our sign... to mark the spot where Jared lost his life.

love and ((hugs)) to all of you!

There is a terrific thunderstorm going on right now.... not slowing traffic down one bit... maybe it will finally wash away the bloodstain on the road that is still visible after almost 5 months....

Oh yes, the blood stains remain for far too long....as does the orange spray paint used to mark the position of her car's tires....and the ruts carved out in the grass beside the sidewalk which mark the violence the collision and the final resting place of her car. That's where my daughter died, not alone, but without me there to hold her, comfort her, and tell her of my great love for her.

Those reminders are always present, but I suspect that even if they fade and disappear, we'll always remember them. (((hugs))) to you, Becky.

[mikesmomrs]

Becky: I am so glad you were able to put up the sign. Knowing that all of those other "triggers" are right there near your home for you to have to deal with all the time, this sign at least says Jared's name, all the time, every day, every hour...

I am so very sorry that you had to go through all of that, (and the being held at the end of your street for 45 minutes must have been torture of a magnitude immeasurable when you learned it was JD who had been hit) that you are having to still go through all of what you are going through. I don't know how I would handle the things you've had no choice but to handle. Your beautiful son is right there with you, always, and I send you my prayers and thoughts for strength.

SUSAN: You wrote: "Those reminders are always present, but I suspect that even if they fade and disappear, we'll always remember them." So very sadly, you are correct...those reminders of how and when our child died are indeed always there, no matter the circumstances...always present, almost like a movie in the back of our minds. We can turn the volume down, darken the screen so we can't see it, force it into the background, but it is always there. No matter how much time has passed, no matter how many steps forward we've been able to take in our lives, the loss of our child is the "background noise" in our lives (I believe it was Bonnie, Jason's mom, who originally made this statement). Betsy, Rich's mom, has in her closing signature that Rich is the "music" in her life...being able to say that, I think, is a huge step forward in healing, and one that I try hard to keep in mind. As time goes by, the music (to me, sweet memories are the "music") becomes louder than the "noise," (to me, the memories that hurt, the future that won't happen, make up the "noise") but it takes a while to get to the point where one can say that, and that point of course, has a different "arrival time" for everyone. I pray that all of you who have to travel by places where your child left this earth, places that the very mention of brings tears to your heart, may soon find strength to allow the sweeter memories of your babies to crowd out the "noise" that plays each time you see these physical reminders of the tragic loss of your child, even if it is only one sweet memory at time. You also wrote "I found out that many of those dispatched to work the scene were connected to Shannon or our family" and I hope that was able to bring some peace to your heart eventually.

LORRI: Your sweet KOURTNEY'S birthday is, of course, Monday...you are in my heart, my prayers and my thoughts.

KATHY: The grandmother from hell, it seems, has struck again. Hugs to Tavian (and to you, as I know that when he hurts, you hurt), and I am so glad that you are able to spend the day with Tav. I know you both will have fun, and this will go a long way towards wiping her ugliness to him off his mind. I wish I could give her a wakeup call...her head would be spinning for days, just from my tirade! I am glad that you went and got him. My daughter Cathi's youngest son spends time with his dad, usually every other weekend, and sometimes a couple of days a week after school. Most of the time, his dad is good to him. But now and then, he has a little too much to drink, or a bad day at work, an argument with his partner, whatever, and the uglies, as I call them, come out...he gets noisy, impatient, short-tempered and sometimes it seems, just plain mean. Jamie is old enough now (he's 13) that, like Tavian, he usually calls home, and his mom comes to pick him up immediately. My heart breaks that any child has to witness and/or be subjected to this type of "back and forth love," as I call it. Jamie's dad can be so loving and kind, but if it's not consistent, what good is it? Jamie's mom has many times talked to his dad about it, and has seen improvement and good effort of his dad's part, but as time goes by, the good efforts fade and so does the confidence that his son has in him to provide a safe and happy place for Jamie to be. I suspect, that as Jamie gets older, he will want to spend less and less time there. Love and strength to you and Tavian.

LORI: Thank you for your reassurances that those who are perhaps with our loved ones in their final moments, feel a kinship to them, enough so that tears may come, even if they have to hold those tears inside so as to do their job to the best of their ability.

MADDY: Your experiences on the day that beautiful Rachael left this worldly plane are heartbreaking. I am so, so sorry that you were not allowed to see her, to hold her. And, love him or not, your professor sounds like an idiot! (sorry, I don't usually call people names, but...) Wasn't it you (sorry if I am mistaken) who also had the art teacher who couldn't see beyond his own heart to the interpretation of your painting and said that it was done "wrong?" I think we all need to make a trip to the school you attend!

KATE: Thinking of you, dear friend.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Angels......

The first time I saw angels on a traumatic scene......

On a dark night with cool brisk air and heavy fog in the distance, lit only by moon light, I received a call for a shooting. It was 3am. The call was on a fairly busy road during the day. But, not much traffic at night. The incident was in an area of the road that is kind of desolated. It had huge cow pastures on both sides of the road. As I was pulling up behind a car pulled off to the side of the road, the headlights from my unit shined into the back window all the way through the car and out the front. In the drivers seat facing forward with his seat belt still attached and slumped to his side toward the center of the car, I saw a man rise into my view and disappear again. I quickly realized with every breath he took it lifted his body up and as he exhaled his body slumped out of my view again. There was one police officer on scene. For our safety, we are not allowed to enter a scene of a shooting until it has been cleared by police. The officer came running up to us with tears in his eyes and a very shaken demeanor, pleading with us to hurry. The atmosphere was VERY THICK! We approached the car and discovered it was a young male dressed in a police uniform. The officer on scene was advising us the patient was his friend since high school and a fellow co- worker. As I was assessing the scene, looking for dangers which is something we are trained to do. I could feel the presents of something around me, It felt like I was being watched. For a moment, I thought the shooter might be watching us from a distance. I quickly dismissed this thought because I didn't feel danger. It felt like several people watching and trying to help me even though no one was on scene with us. We removed him from the car and for our own safety and better lighting we carried him to the back and away from the roads edge. I could hear in the background the officer crying and yelling into his radio "Oh God, Man Down, we have a man down, we have an officer down hurry up and get here!" I looked over at him for a second and could see the severe shock he was in. As I laid my patient down, I could see an entrance gunshot wound to the temporal part of his head. I was very, very aggressive with his care. For at that time, I was married to my first husband who was a police officer and this was hitting to close to home. All this I'm describing, happing in just seconds although feeling like time was standing still.

I was the medical commander on this scene, so it was my job to delegate the work and call for additional resources. I determined due to the location of this call, we would need to air lift by helicopter the patient to the closest appropriate trauma hospital. As, I stepped away from the immediate scene to radio in, I looked back and saw what initially looked like the fog had surrounded the patient and my crew working on him. I glanced toward the fog in the cow pasture and noticed it was still in the distance and hadn't moved in. I looked back at the white fog mist surrounding the scene and realized it was a circle of angels all gathered around. I froze for a second trying to absorb what I was seeing. Some of the angels were floating above and some were kneeling down by the patients side with their loving hands on his chest, shoulders and head they were positioned between my crew members, caressing him and stroking his hair. They looked so soft and delicate, their wings slowly moving like that of a butterfly. Everything felt so serene, peaceful during such a horrible traumatic situation. I was so shocked at what I was witnessing that I turned away, shaking my head in disbelief. I slowly looked back almost fearing what I would see...... nothing was there. I pushed what I saw back and continued my Job. The air rescue landed in the cow pasture, we lifted our patient up and over the fence and carried him through thick brush to load him in. We turned to walk back towards the scene which was highly lit up at this time with numerous police vehicles, off duty personnel vehicles and fire engines. As I reached the fence, I looked back, as the helicopter was lifting off and pulling away...... It was surrounded by a white cloud of angels that disappeared into the dark sky.

My patient, a young 22 year old just starting his career, died... But, he wasn't alone, not by any sense of the word.

Since this call, I've experienced similar scenarios with victims of all different forms of death, including suicide. So, if your loved one has died this way, rest assured, they are with angels!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Lori, Thank you for the beautiful story of angels being present in the moments of traumatic deaths. I hope they were present with my JD, to comfort him as I wish I could have done. There is only one angel I desire to see, and I haven't had so much as a dream. Do you think it's because I am still so rooted in despair of all that has happened? I never have been one to dream. Don't think I am asleep long enough. I so long to see him happy. I believe that he is, but I ask him every night when I kiss the top of his urn, to come to me in a dream. I have even told him he can appear to me while I am awake, that I am open and ready for anything..... anything that would allow me to connect with him again.

Carol, thank you for your prayers, please keep them coming. I pray for all of you, whom I know understand me better than my own family at times. I share with them the things that I have taken from here, tidbits from different conversations that have helped me.

I made a lot of calls today, and left messages everywhere to try to find out more answers to the questions that I have. Maybe tomorrow I will hear something..... this is taking such a toll on me physically. I don't sleep well, I eat too much too late at night when I can't sleep, I don't care what I look like at all. I do care enough to shower daily, and finally when my sleep deprived body and mind can take no more, I slip up and get in my bed, hubby already long asleep, and hold Jared's bear to sleep with.......even the bear is looking a bit worse for wear.

[Maddy6]

Double post

[Maddy6]

Lori,Thank you soooo much for telling me about the angels you saw. I read and reread. If you have the time and are willing, I would so very much appreciate hearing any other stories of angels you have seen. I would love to hear, actually.

Carol,

I knoooow, nice people say stupid stuff. This art professor is the nicest guy, he would never have intentionally hurt me. I think he had his own issues over the death of his unborn baby.The professor in Creatvie Writing Class, well......he would never be intentionally unkind either. I just seem to encounter this stuff, ya knoooow :-)

The only time I was ever upset was the couple whose infant had died trying to force me to say their experience was the same as mine. That experience made me angry, even now, it still upsets me. But I am usually pretty forgiving as I realize they do not know.

Therapist explained to me that when a family member dies, the dynamics of the family change and everyone has to figure out what their new place is. I realize that that is what the difference is. When it is a baby,or unborn child, their lives have not influenced everyone yet.

Therapist said my son is struggling cause he still has not figured out who he is in the face of losing Rachael. After alllllllllll this time we have finally found a good therapist. Yayyyyy!!!!

Also, Carol,thank you for your kindness concerning the night we lost Rachael. I could not believe that we could not see her. It was so very painful. The business as usual, people who told us our child was dead was also unbelievable. Which I know.....I already told you. I think that will always be a painful memory.Thank you Carol, for being such a strong person through everything you are going through right now. I appreciate you.

LOVE,Maddy

[Maddy6]

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

[summergirl]

Thank you for being willing to "kick grandma's butt" !! It was so very hard to hear the things Tavian told me about how he was treated, he is not over-reacting, he is telling the truth and I will NEVER allow her to hurt him again....if we have to go back to court I will and she will lose visitation rights...I will never understand why she has to hurt him, why she cannot see what a joy he is to have around....why make him hurt, why make him NOT want to see her EVER AGAIN....Her loss and someday she will regret it and if not I just do not care...all I know is he is not going back there. We had a wonderful day together, hung out at home and then to McDonalds for lunch, game stop (pop-pop gave him 50 dollars) then wandered around and back home.....played bad mitten outside for about 45 minutes - dinner and then the WII for an hour or so and now he is lying on the couch watching the Karate Kid.....and I AM TIRED....but a very happy Mi-MI as I had the bestest day with Tavian..

Today hubby was talking to a guy on one of his jobs, talking about different bars and hang-outs that have changed names over the years...the guy said he used to go to a place over on Three Mile Harbor Road but could not remember the name of it, my hubby replied that it was called "Fiddlers Cove" and the man replied "yes, it was the place where that young girl died I think" and hubby replied "yes, it was" and the man said "oh, you heard about that??" and hubby replied "Yes, it was my daughter".....he said the poor man did not know what to say except "oh, man I am sorry" and then changed the subject but hubby was ok with that as he understood the poor man did not know what to say.....Things like this happen and we just have to go with it.....

Hubby and I were lucky in the sense that the entire ambulance crew called out for Jessica were our friends....they knew she was already gone but they did CPR anyway, transported her to the hospital and loved her all the way there for us....even though she was gone I believe she felt their love and I am forever grateful that they were there for my girl, loving her, talking to her, taking the best care of her....We were blessed to have such wonderful friends.....

Very tired so am going to say good nite...Love, Peace and strength...Kathy

Our Tavian --- looks just like his mommy....love him

[mysonrich]

Carol, Rich is the music in our hearts. Rich was all about music. One time while riding in his car he asked me to listen to a song. Being an old lady, I asked him to turn it down so I could hear the lyric's better. It wasn't my favorite type of music but when he turned down the volume I understood the words, I realized the message and while my step-father thought rock n roll would corrupt me, he hated it, and I sometimes cringed when I heard some of Rich's music, it wasn't the loudness or the voice he wanted me to hear, but the message. Wasn't I also listening to a message while listening to rock n roll? Rich was telling me something through his beloved music. This we shared.

And when Rich died it took me almost 3 years to enjoy music again. Just recently I have been able to “crank it up”. Background noise? Not so much noise but a constant hum. Picture yourself in a room watching TV. A visitor enters so naturally you turn the “noise” down, but you can't turn the TV off. All the while your visitor is there you hear snippets of the voices from the TV and catch a glimpse of the “action” on the screen and at times, ask your visitor to wait for a moment, you turn up the volume and watch and listen. The visitor is our life as we know it now and sometimes we have to stop and watch and listen to the program which was our life. I get angry. My vision grows dark at the replay of some memories. It is oppressive and destructive and I have learned to redirect my thoughts before I am destroyed and sometimes it isn't easy. And sometimes I just start laughing..because Rich was funny!.....

And moss grows fat on a rolling stone

But that’s not how it used to be

When the jester sang for the king and queen

In a coat he borrowed from James Dean

In a voice that came from you and me

And while the King was looking down

The jester stole his thorny crown

The courtroom was adjourned

No verdict was returned

While Lennon read the book of Marx

The quartet kept practice in the park

And we sang dirges in the dark

The day the music died

And we sang dirges in the dark the day my son died.

Becky, I am beside you as you struggle for answers. I am here as you take on the enormous battle, The State of Delaware, to make a change , correct a wrong and get to the truth. Please, take care of yourself.

Lori, thank you for the message. That is what they are right. Seeing the angels are also a message to us all.

Autopsy. I don't go there. I wanted to see Rich at the funeral home. The director, a friend of my dad's, the previous director, a friend of my grandfathers , and whom ever came before them, well, they have been taking care of our family for many,many years. He advised me not to see Rich at that time. He did me a kindness. I believe if I had I would be locked up in the psychiatric hospital for god knows how long, today even. Not that the morgue was ..was what? Less real?

There was a young mother here when I first joined. I think her name is Amanda and her baby was still born. A very beautiful little boy all dressed in blue. Wrapped in a blue blanket. The cutest chubby little cheeks. I know she grieved for that baby. I know that the family had dreams and plans and knew just where he fit into the family. I just wonder, not with just Amanda, but if being able to have more children , if I could have another child would I grieve less? I don't think so. But I do think a new baby would help alleviate the heartache to a degree,but never replace my sleeping baby.

Indigo's, may we all sleep well if even for a short time.

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

I cannot read all that went on here in the last two days, but I will note that I read about the angels at the site of a shooting and cried with the appreciation for your witnessing this Lori, and for letting everyone here know this story. Our Babies did not leave this world alone, they were joined and carried off in a wonderful cloud of spirits.

When Erica's car was hit by the Amtrak back in July of 2003, two boys the same age as she were on the other side of the tracks, screaming NO NO, and her car spun and struck their car and continued to spin and land about 300 yards away. The two boys, football players for WEstern Michigan University ran to Eri's car. When they got near they both saw the same thing, they both saw that her car was filled with light, filled with light not from a light. They were 19 year old boys who when they opened Eri's door saw a girl who was surrounded by a silver light, they knew they could not touch her, that she was in very bad shape, but that they also knew that she was being cared for. Those two boys waited for many hours at the Trauma Hospital in Kalamazoo and stood with the many kids accumulating there upon hearing the news. They waited until my husband and I arrived, until Eri and Jon's dad arrived from the Chicago area on a rainy night in July, nearly 4 hours after she was hit, they waited there to tell us that Eri's car was filled with light and that she changed their lives forever, that they would never take anything for granted again. They came back each day of the 6 she hung on, and I took them to meet her. As they stood near her gazing at her, they cried and said that they knew she would be okay because they both knew that angels were all around her.

I am so grateful for Matt and Joel, for the ways that they were able to let Eri know and us know that she made a difference and that she was surrounded by Angels.

The photo I am attaching here is well known by those on this road for some time, but for those of you new to this place...this photo was taken by me one morning about 2 years after Eri died, maybe less. I was in the local forest preserve one morning, the sun had been up for hours, it was a Saturday morning. I was just walking kind of aimlessly and said, "Oh Eri, where are you?" As I said it, this happened, I snapped a photo knowing that She answered, " I am here, I am near."

[ericasmom]

sorry, the photo somehow got affixed in the center of my post, but I will attach it again here as this was Erica letting me know...

[ericasmom]

okay, one more try before bed...

[robyn]

Hi Gang,

I cannot read all that went on here in the last two days, but I will note that I read about the angels at the site of a shooting and cried with the appreciation for your witnessing this Lori, and for letting everyone here know this story. Our Babies did not leave this world alone, they were joined and carried off in a wonderful cloud of spirits.

When Erica's car was hit by the Amtrak back in July of 2003, two boys the same age as she were on the other side of the tracks, screaming NO NO, and her car spun and struck their car and continued to spin and land about 300 yards away. The two boys, football players for WEstern Michigan University ran to Eri's car. When they got near they both saw the same thing, they both saw that her car was filled with light, filled with light not from a light. They were 19 year old boys who when they opened Eri's door saw a girl who was surrounded by a silver light, they knew they could not touch her, that she was in very bad shape, but that they also knew that she was being cared for. Those two boys waited for many hours at the Trauma Hospital in Kalamazoo and stood with the many kids accumulating there upon hearing the news. They waited until my husband and I arrived, until Eri and Jon's dad arrived from the Chicago area on a rainy night in July, nearly 4 hours after she was hit, they waited there to tell us that Eri's car was filled with light and that she changed their lives forever, that they would never take anything for granted again. They came back each day of the 6 she hung on, and I took them to meet her. As they stood near her gazing at her, they cried and said that they knew she would be okay because they both knew that angels were all around her.

I am so grateful for Matt and Joel, for the ways that they were able to let Eri know and us know that she made a difference and that she was surrounded by Angels.

The photo I am attaching here is well known by those on this road for some time, but for those of you new to this place...this photo was taken by me one morning about 2 years after Eri died, maybe less. I was in the local forest preserve one morning, the sun had been up for hours, it was a Saturday morning. I was just walking kind of aimlessly and said, "Oh Eri, where are you?" As I said it, this happened, I snapped a photo knowing that She answered, " I am here, I am near."

Dee,

this is so beautiful! I love those moments when they let us know they are close!

Robyn

[Maddy6]

1330144638' post='84435']

okay, one more try before bed...

....Sigh.......your story and the picture are wonderful. Thank you.

Maddy

[mikesmomrs]

DEE each time I have seen this picture, my heart fills with tears, love, joy, and faith...and gratitude to the Essence of Life who allowed such a communication between you and your beautiful daughter, Eri. would it be all right with you if I printed it out and framed it? I would love to have it on the shelf nearby Mike's urn. I do know and understand the sacred importance of this picture to you, and will totally understand should you prefer I not do that.

LORI: thank you for sharing your beautiful experiences with us. More affirmation for my belief that angels are about us, and especially around our children when they leave this earthly plane to be "earth bound no more," as we have inscribed on Mike's memorial stone.

Betsy: I very much understood your analogy of the tv and the visitor and how we relate to the "before" and the "now" of our lives. Thank you also for sharing your memories of Rich and how important music was in his life, and I am glad that he shared that with you. I am so sorry that it was so long before you could enjoy music again, but I truly understand. I am very glad that you are now able to listen and to remember Rich's joy in his passion for music. I know that Rich is very proud of you, and likely sings along as you listen. Mike, too, held music as a huge part of his life. On one of our trips to a Red Sox game, which we usually did once or twice a month, he would con me into letting him listen to the radio, if he "kept it down." Now and again, he would turn it up and say "mom, listen to this" and, as with Rich, what he wanted me to hear was the message. On one of our last trips to Fenway, on the way back, "I Will Remember You" came on. He turned to me, and said "Mom, I want Cathi to sing this at my service." I had heard the song before, but never paid much attention to the words. Now, I stopped and listened. My heart stopped, I fought the tears back, and made my mouth say the words that would acknowledge how important this was to him, and to assure him that we would make that happen. And we did. Cathi had to go to a recording studio to do it ahead of time, because she knew she would never be able to do it live at his service. Just as so many of the things that surrounded Mike through this journey to his leaving us, this too had its sweet side. He was able to hear her sing it for him, when she came back and played the cd that she and her friend (who played the guitar) had made for him. I think we all used all of our will power that night to hold back the tears that threatened to drown us, as we all stood and listened, and watched Mike's smile of approval, as he listened to the song he wanted "Cathi to sing at my services." The one gift he wanted on what we knew would be his last birthday was an Ipod that would hold "at least 10,000 songs." Ipods weren't as much a part of our daily lives five years ago, but I was able to find one that held 10,000 songs. He was overjoyed. I think that before he died, he actually had close to that many on it. Sarah, his wife, who shared his love of music, and most of what he liked in music, kept all of his music on the Ipod and listened to it often, until the Ipod finally wore out. The song they had played at their wedding is "Island in the Sun," by Weezer. Sarah had waited through six long years, through two or three of his girlfriends, for Mike to finally see what was right in front of him all along...her. The last verse of "Island in the Sun" describes how I think they felt, but sadly, their "forever" was much shorter than they ever expected. (Mike died just 6 weeks shy of their second anniversary)

We'll run away together

We'll spend some time forever

We'll never feel bad any more

Hip Hip

We'll never feel bad anymore

(hip hip)

(hip hip)

I know that Mike is not feeling bad about anything now, and I live for the day when we all meet again, to "never feel bad anymore."

Once, on a bus trip to Fenway, (which we never did the bus, because I hated riding on a bus, but we got tickets with bus travel included, from a friend, and Mike said "Come on, mom, it won't be that bad. I will be there to keep you company." With much trepidation, I gave in and we took the bus. The bus hadn't even left the parking lot before he had his earphones in his ears, music on, tuning out the world. I said "Mike, I thought you were going to keep me company so I wouldn't be nervous about riding this bus?" He just looked at me and grinned, and took one of the ear plugs out of his ear and handed it to me. So, there we sat, sharing one set of earphones, all the way to Boston. One of those "rememories" that used to drown me in tears, but now offers comfort to my heart when I think of it, though tears still accompany it at times.

Sorry for going on, but oh, when those re-memories grab hold, sometimes they just keep on going.

For those new to BI, the "re-memories" phrase comes from something that Mike's youngest son, Damon, said when he was about 4 years old (he is now 7). Hubby and I were taking him home after having had him at our house all day. On the way to the apartment where Damon and his mother now lived, we passed by the street where they had all lived just after Damon was born (Sarah had moved out of it shortly after Mike died---Damon was 22 months at the time Mike died) and I turned to Damon and said "Damon, look! There is the street where you lived with mommy and daddy when you were just a little guy." More to myself than to him, I murmured "I don't imagine you even remember that, though." He piped up, sounding offended as only a 4 year old can, and said "Nana, I do remember that. I have re-membries too!"

[mikesmomrs]

Just wanted to mention something...someone posted a few pages back about how, years ago, people would wear a black armband when they had lost someone close to them. This made others aware that you were still "in mourning" for a loss and while it didn't mean they had to treat you with kid gloves or anything, it did tell others that you were suffering the loss of a loved one.

I can remember when Mike first died, and that whole first year or so, there were times when I wanted to stand on the roof of my house and scream MY SON IS DEAD!!! My grief was all consuming and I didn't understand why the world was still going on, every day, just as before.

A couple of months after Mike died, I came across a website that offered books on grieving, and also they had a black bracelet, like the LIVESTRONG silicone bracelets, but it had engraved on it IN MOURNING. It wasn't "printed" on it, it was engraved into it. They also had black memorial "ribbon" pins, that were made of metal, and are like the pink breast cancer pins you see. They are black enamel, about an inch in length, and trimmed faintly in a gold color.

I will post a picture at the end of this post.

When I put this bracelet on (and everyone in my immediate family wore one, also, as well as Mike's two older sons---and we all still have ours), for some reason it seemed to comfort me. Weird, I know, but I guess it was because it was "out there" that I had lost someone I loved very much. I didn't have many comments on it, but I really didn't care about that. I also wore the pin on my coat, and also on my blouse or sweater or shirt, every day, to work, on the weekends, whatever. I don't know how the people at work felt about my bracelet or my pin, I never talked about it, except to one person there who I was close to, and she thought it was a good thing. I always had it on for that first year. AT the end of that first year, I took the bracelet off, but I have continued to wear the pin on whatever coat/jacket I am wearing, and I always have one on my Red Sox shirt that I wear to a game. (for those new here, Mike's PASSION was the Red Sox, and he left that passion to us, to continue on, for him, and for his children. Mike's sister Cathi and I go to 2 or so Red Sox games a month, all season.)

Anyway, if there is anyone here who would like to have one of these bracelets, I do have a few still, and could order some if necessary. I don't have any of the pins, but I would be happy to order them if anyone likes. Just pm me and let me know, please. I would be more than happy to get them for you. Wearing this bracelet was not for "SHOW" but, as I said, it just kind of was "there," and it brought me some odd sense of comfort. And the pin just is a part of my coat, a symbol, even if only to me...he was here, he is still with me.

The picture makes the bracelet look kind of blue, but it is actually black.

[Guest msnher]

I love that picture, Dee, and the story of the boys seeing the light around Erica.

On a different site I belong to, they were discussing death. Someone brought up Steve Jobs saying, "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow" just before he passed. I am reminded about a dear friend of mine whose bed was surrounded by other friends just before he passed. He opened his eyes, smiled and said, "exquisite".

[Guest msnher]

Lori, I must have missed the story you posted about seeing angels. I've grown frustrated trying to scroll past all the repeated quotes of everyone's posts and have quit looking. If you don't mind, would you repost it. Sorry, friends, but I must not be the sharpest pencil in the box. With all you new members copying everyone's post and repeating to each one separately I get confused. I finally just give up. I'm SO, SO glad you're here, but I sure wish you would stop copying every post, it's too hard to keep up.

[mikesmum]

Dee - Love that shaft of light, a sign for sure that Eri is lighting your way on this journey.

[ericasmom]

I am so glad that he shaft of light gives you goodness too, and yes Carol, please do frame this photo and set it next to Mike. What an honor. This is the light that I carry with me into each day, and on days when I am very blue, I look at my screen saver, there is the shaft of light reminding me that Eri is hoping that I can stand where she cannot and shine her light.

[Susie_q512]

Sometimes I hate computers

[Susie_q512]

Susannah - The original angel post is on Page 1, Post #19.....at least that's where I found it just a moment ago. (But every time there's a new post, it gets bumped farther down the line...good luck)

[Guest msnher]

Well, I'll be damned! I've been on here for over two years and had no idea our posts were numbered. As I said, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box. Thanks for finding it for me Susan!

Lori, I must add my gratitude as well. Thank you so much for posting that story! With your permission I would like to share it with a woman on another site I belong to. She is very afraid of dying alone.

[Guest msnher]

Well, I'll be damned! I've been on here for over two years and had no idea our posts were numbered. As I said, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box. Thanks for finding it for me Susan!

Lori, I must add my gratitude as well. Thank you so much for posting that story! With your permission I would like to share it with a woman on another site I belong to. She is very afraid of dying alone.

[ericasmom]

I have gone back a couple of pages to read, and I must comment and hopefully not hurt anyone's feelings when I say that blame is something we sometimes do to make sense of a situation, but I do believe that in many situations, blame is not going to reveal the truth of things or make sense of the loss we will walk with in each day. The engineer of the Amtrak was told to travel at 55 or 60 mph thorugh the stops on the tracks where ERi was struck, it was in his job description even though AMTRAK knew of the broken light, even though the light was broken because someone working for the city of Kalamazoo did not change the fuse when they were alerted to the broken light. In fact there was a wasps nest in the fuse box when it was examined after ERi was struck. (first of course, Amtrak and the city said the lights were working perfectly) but happily a young man from JIMMY JOHNS, who was the last person to see Erz as she once was, said, "NO< THEY WERE NOT WORKING AND JIMMY JOHNS ALERTED YOU ABOUT IT SEVERAL TIMES!

Anyhow, the layer of blame is thick and in the beginning I wanted to blame someone for the fact that my Daughter's brain stem was nearly fully severed, that she would die as soon as we said to turn off the machines. In my heart almost immediately, I knew that Erica would not want me to put blame on the driver, he was merely following orders, but we did go after AMTRAK and the CITY as the light was the city's and they were hooked into AMTRAKS signals.

I feel sad too knowing that I have come close to hitting someone in my years of driving, I know how precarious it all is, a moment of a person misjudging distance, or speed or light plays a role in things, it is human error that often is the cause of things and heck, have we not all had experience in that? I think that Lori said it well that theRN may have been in shock, she also was not trained perhaps in trauma, and even as teachers, we have been told, NO WAY DO YOU TOUCH ANYONE WHO IS BLEEDING WITHOUT GLOVES and PROPER PROTECTION, it is anti-intuitive but ...I cannot help but think that shock would be the biggest factor, knowing that something she did caused this absolute tragedy would freeze her. We are all made differently, we don't all work the same way, shock can do all sorts of things to a person.

All I know is that those of you in these first months and year of loss, we really do understand the terror that grips you in the middle of a day or night, the absolute lonliness that has blocked the sunshine adn bird songs. I know, we know, and I must beg you to hang on, hang on and find what you need to find in your individual cases and in that try to carry the good parts, even little tiny good parts, with you each day.

[dwsmithrn]

lori....thank you for the angel story....i KNOW where my nathan is...i know it. when he died on the beach, a methodist minister was walking her dog and past by him at the very moment he ended his life...she turned around, held his hand and prayed over him while calling 911 and waited until help arrived. she never left his side. she told me she KNEW he was with angels and he went to heaven. how she knew i have no idea, but she told me she knew. she also talked with my other son, the police officer who got to the scene, but wasn't allowed to go to the immediate scene...his fellow officers would not let him go, thank goodness. i feel a sense of relief knowing that someone was holding his hand and praying over him and for him. by the way, we are methodist. he was not alone and i will always find some comfort in that...he was not alone. i think maybe some how that was in the plan that he not be alone...??!!! maybe? i don't know.

thank you for the angel story, it helps to know. i remember when my dad died and he had a few encounters with angels just before he died. it was kind of eery, but we knew it was time for him to go, and we also knew he was not alone. made it a little easier to let go when we knew how much pain his cancer had caused him and knowing someone was waiting for him on the other side. he did not seem to be in pain when he just went to sleep. it's been many, many years and i still miss him like crazy. it's been 13 months and i think of nothing else but nathan...my child.

seems so different but nate is my child. my heart and soul won't seem to get together on the healing. i hurt all the time. call me what you want to....but i still grieve my child.