Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Dru... I agree. As difficult as it was... thank you for sharing such an uplifting story with us. It helps to confirm to me that I am not alone in what I saw. Thanks.

[mysonrich]

Hello dru, thank you for sharing . I understand the need to reach in for Broni and as hard as it is now, knowing that your father and brother were with her,may that knowledge some day bring a small measure of comfort.

[mysonrich]

John Ryans Mom, such a really great picture.

[Jilly's mom]

This is what we did for Jilly's 20th birthday,and her first one in Heaven. Over 100 people showed up to help us launch 20 sky lanterns. It was beautiful and we felt such peace. I expected to cry all day long, but we didn't. Afterwards we had ppl over for cupcakes and cookies. When we look at the video, we smile.

Louise~Jilly's mom

[Susie_q512]

Dru - Beautiful....thanks for sharing something so intimate with us.

Jilly's Mom - The video brought tears to my tears, but the sight of those lights floating into the night sky and the joyfulness of those there to share that special date, were uplifting.

[mikesmomrs]

KOURTNEY...KOURTNEY....KOURTNEY...

May you celebrate the day of your birth with all of our angels in Heaven...

please surround your momma with your sweet spirit, let her know that you are around her, always.

Lorri and Monty, Kimberly and Kody...know that you are being thought of and carried through this day with prayers for your hearts to be comforted with the wonderful memories you have of your sweet daughter and sister.

[ericasmom]

KOURTNEY KOURTNEY KOURTNEY

May all of the love you share with your Mom and Family and Friends be felt extra strongly today and please sit upon your Mom's shoulder and sing a lottle song, remind her of your mission and let her know how very proud you are of how she walks in YOUR LIGHT.

[Maddy6]

Louise - Jilly's mom,

That was very beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. How do you make the sky lanterns.....where do I find out how to do that?

.............. Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 others also

[Guest msnher]

I don't know if you get on here, anymore, Lorri, but we remember what day this is and hold you close in thought and heart.

Dru, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter! Thank you so much for sharing the beautiful story/experience you had with the shaman before Dru died. I am also glad you shared that although that vision gives you comfort, you still suffer the true effects of grief. That is my experience also. At first I couldn't understand why I was in so much pain when I had been blessed to see what I had seen. I came to the conclusion that grief is a power unto itself. We have to walk through it. There is no getting around it. Just through. I'm glad you found us.

I would appreciate your prayers, positive energy or candle lighting today....however you connect with God. This morning is Mariah's appointment with the pediatric psychiatrist. I am still against drugs - more than ever, but there is "something" guiding me to keep the appointment. I pray for wisdom and discernment.

Gosh, I wish I knew how to post the link. I can't remember how it came to my attention, but yesterday I watched a film called "Wakeup". It is about a man, in his twenties, who all of a sudden can see spirits and angels. It's worth watching. It is also interesting that with all he can see he still grieves the loss of his best friend, who was killed in a motorcycle accident. That is quite comforting to me, as well as Dru's experience. I have been beating myself up, because of all the signs and manifestations I've received from Stephanie, but the pain was still unbearable. The pain is not gone, now, but I've learned to live with it. It isn't debilitating anymore. Or, at least, not as bad.

I watched "Excuses be gone" by Wayne Dyer yesterday. He's one of my favorites. I use all the excuses he addresses not to live life fully. But, he didn't address one excuse that fits me more accurately...I just don't want to. How to overcome that defect? How to get the "want to" to engage in my own life again.....another mystery.

Well, I hope you all have a good day - or at least find a moments peace in it some where along the way.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

louise...that is absolutely amazing...thank you for sharing that with us....i love it and jilly must have seen it, too. she knows how loved and missed she is....beautiful.

[dwsmithrn]

kourtney...kourtney...kourtney....celebrate this day in heaven with the angels and send your love and angel kisses to your mom and family. let them know how much you love them. happy birthday in heaven beautiful angel girl......give your mom one big hug on this day...... lorri, thinking of you and your family on this day and always......sending hugs your way.....

[briansdad]

Here is a post my grandaughter put on her Daddy's site. She's 12 now. She was only 5 when he died.

Hey Dad, hows it going in heaven? what have you done up there without me? Is it exciting to see the father of our world? I've been haveing a great time! but, sometimes when i think about my heart hurts alot. Mom broke up with the meanest guy ever. She found and new boy friend that treats her right. Just like you did. She says he's just like you. His Personality is what she means. I'm getting really good grades in school. No, D's or F's. I'm finally getting better just like you did. My favorite music is the song Behind Blue eyes. Ryder is going to school (FINALLY:D). I really really miss you! I'm reading 90 minuets in Heaven and it describes what heaven is like. It's so beautiful sounding. I love reading and playing on the computer. Grandpa says i'm going Rob on him. Since he plays games alot.

I feel like i'm writing a story. I have alot to say. What can i say? i love keeping you up to date. Tell god to keep mommy in his hands because she's going though a lot of stress. And you already know because you're watching over all of us. I miss getting your letters from the sky. I know you're in paradise because like i said with the father.

I'll have to let you go. I love you. I miss you!

Yours eternity,

Your baby girl- Alyssa

[Guest msnher]

Louise - That was awesome! Made my eyes tear up. I would like to more about the sky lanterns, too. How do you get them? Is there a fire danger? Do you have to get permission to use them? On Stephanie's birthday we set off balloons. 28 pink and purple ones and then a bigger white one for the years she's been gone. This year there will be three white ones. My son turns 28 in March. The same age Stephanie was when she died. It's not devastating - I don't know if I can even call it sad...just different.

Greg - That is one special granddaughter you have there! Her letter definitely pulls at my heartstrings. I'll keep her momma in my prayers, too.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Maddy6]

Remembering

KOURTNEY

today

........send your loveto your mom, Lorri, bathe her with sweet comfort and peace. Remind her you are there with her, not far at all.....remind her that your sweet, wonderful spirit continues on with her today and every day.

Happy Birthday Kourtney.....you will be loved and remembered forever.

LOVE,

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 more

[westleysmom]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY KOURTNEY!

Lorri-thinking of you all

[Susie_q512]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Kourtney!!!! May the heavenly celebration be accompanied by all of our angels, and may your mom, dad, and siblings feel your spirit surrounding them and loving them this day!!

Lorri - Thinking of you and your family today

[Jilly's mom]

Happy Birthday Kourtney! Blessings to your mom Lorri. May your Earthly family smile knowing you are safe and sound in the arms of God. (although you are missed here more than words can say!)

Hugs and love,

Jilly's mom, (Louise)

[Jeff's Mom]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, Kourtney!

[shorty16]

Kourtney

Kourtney

Kourtney

Saying your name loud and clear. Let your family know you are OK.

Colleen

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU GUYS AND GALS....VERY HARD DAY TODAY....EMOTIONS RUNNING EVERYWHERE...MOSTLY DOWN HILL.....THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF MY ANGEL

PRAYERS TO ALL OF YAL....AND YOUR ANGELS

[Jilly's mom]

For all of you who wanted to know about the sky lanterns we used in Jilly's birthday launch....if you Google "sky lanterns" you will see several places to get them. We got ours from a local fireworks shop, but you can get them online. They are made of rice paper with a biodegradable small "metal" ring at the bottom. There is a cardboard "wick" which is dipped in paraffin. You light the paraffin and the heat fills up the lantern. When it is inflated with enough heat, you simply let go...(kind of symbolic) and they float into the sky. They can float up to an hour, up to a mile high. You can't set them off if it is raining, snowing or windy (above 5-8 mph). They can't be set off near airports or power lines, etc.) We didn't really ask anyone's permission...we just did it at her gravesite, which overlooks a lake. We also had a fire extinguisher handy, although the owner of the fireworks store told us he has repeatedly TRIED to set one of fire and has not been able to. You can't attach anything extra or it won't float. They run $3-5 dollars a piece online and come in a variety of colors. If you do it, have someone video it! With setting off that many, we saw different shapes.... a heart, a butterfly, a smiley face and finally a J.

On a side note, when I walked in the fireworks shop, they were marked at $6 a piece. (over my budget.) I asked if there was a volume discount, as we wanted about 25 (20 for the launch and a few extra to try before hand). This big beefy Harley motorcycle looking dude (the owner) asked me what I wanted them for. I explained it would have been my daughters 20th birthday here, but she was in Heaven this year. He looked at me kind of funny and said "I will sell them to you for $2 a piece. And I will throw in a few extra!" As soon as those words came out of his mouth, I got a whiff of Jillian's perfume. I looked at this guy and thought "there is no WAY you wear Hollister Malaya!!!" It was a Jilly mercy gift. Several others followed. The forecast for the launch was overcast, possible rain or snow and a wind chill of 10 degrees. It was a beautiful crisp starry night without a cloud in the sky. Shortly after we all launched, a shooting star went by. Jilly had a shooting star tattoo on her hip. I believe she was letting us know she was watching and enjoying her celebration. I could imagine those lanterns floating up to her and her blowing out the "candles" as they reached her. Every person who was there (over 100) were in awe of the peace, joy and love that we all felt. It was awesome! We had expected that day to be the worst one since her death, and instead, we all couldn't stop smiling. What a wonderful mercy gift she sent!

The day before her birthday, 3 of her friends brought us over a large giftwrapped box. They said it was for her birthday and perhaps we could use it in her memorial garden. My husband, youngest daughter and I lifted the lid and out popped my oldest daughter from California! None of us knew she was coming! These friends had picked her up from the airport and brought her to us so we could be a family for Jilly's first heavenly birthday. What a blessing!

In the midst of the miracle of some joy that we have experienced for the first time since her death 100 days ago, we are now starting the legal battles. The driver, DM, is facing felony charges for causing her death. DM is like a 4th daughter to us. She goes to court Thursday. If they put her in jail pending bond, she will stay there for quite awhile, as their family has nothing. DM works to support her disabled parents. Pray for her that the judge is merciful and can plainly see that this girl already lives with the worst sentence anyone could pass on her. She lost her very best friend.

Thank you all for being out there whenever I need to ramble!

Louise

[kmb22]

Edit

[robyn]

For all of you who wanted to know about the sky lanterns we used in Jilly's birthday launch....if you Google "sky lanterns" you will see several places to get them. We got ours from a local fireworks shop, but you can get them online. They are made of rice paper with a biodegradable small "metal" ring at the bottom. There is a cardboard "wick" which is dipped in paraffin. You light the paraffin and the heat fills up the lantern. When it is inflated with enough heat, you simply let go...(kind of symbolic) and they float into the sky. They can float up to an hour, up to a mile high. You can't set them off if it is raining, snowing or windy (above 5-8 mph). They can't be set off near airports or power lines, etc.) We didn't really ask anyone's permission...we just did it at her gravesite, which overlooks a lake. We also had a fire extinguisher handy, although the owner of the fireworks store told us he has repeatedly TRIED to set one of fire and has not been able to. You can't attach anything extra or it won't float. They run $3-5 dollars a piece online and come in a variety of colors. If you do it, have someone video it! With setting off that many, we saw different shapes.... a heart, a butterfly, a smiley face and finally a J.

On a side note, when I walked in the fireworks shop, they were marked at $6 a piece. (over my budget.) I asked if there was a volume discount, as we wanted about 25 (20 for the launch and a few extra to try before hand). This big beefy Harley motorcycle looking dude (the owner) asked me what I wanted them for. I explained it would have been my daughters 20th birthday here, but she was in Heaven this year. He looked at me kind of funny and said "I will sell them to you for $2 a piece. And I will throw in a few extra!" As soon as those words came out of his mouth, I got a whiff of Jillian's perfume. I looked at this guy and thought "there is no WAY you wear Hollister Malaya!!!" It was a Jilly mercy gift. Several others followed. The forecast for the launch was overcast, possible rain or snow and a wind chill of 10 degrees. It was a beautiful crisp starry night without a cloud in the sky. Shortly after we all launched, a shooting star went by. Jilly had a shooting star tattoo on her hip. I believe she was letting us know she was watching and enjoying her celebration. I could imagine those lanterns floating up to her and her blowing out the "candles" as they reached her. Every person who was there (over 100) were in awe of the peace, joy and love that we all felt. It was awesome! We had expected that day to be the worst one since her death, and instead, we all couldn't stop smiling. What a wonderful mercy gift she sent!

The day before her birthday, 3 of her friends brought us over a large giftwrapped box. They said it was for her birthday and perhaps we could use it in her memorial garden. My husband, youngest daughter and I lifted the lid and out popped my oldest daughter from California! None of us knew she was coming! These friends had picked her up from the airport and brought her to us so we could be a family for Jilly's first heavenly birthday. What a blessing!

In the midst of the miracle of some joy that we have experienced for the first time since her death 100 days ago, we are now starting the legal battles. The driver, DM, is facing felony charges for causing her death. DM is like a 4th daughter to us. She goes to court Thursday. If they put her in jail pending bond, she will stay there for quite awhile, as their family has nothing. DM works to support her disabled parents. Pray for her that the judge is merciful and can plainly see that this girl already lives with the worst sentence anyone could pass on her. She lost her very best friend.

Thank you all for being out there whenever I need to ramble!

Louise

Louise,

What a beautiful post! I cried AND smiled! How wonderful that you were able to sense Jilly so near. It's a gift, isn't it?

Robyn

[robyn]

This is what we did for Jilly's 20th birthday,and her first one in Heaven. Over 100 people showed up to help us launch 20 sky lanterns. It was beautiful and we felt such peace. I expected to cry all day long, but we didn't. Afterwards we had ppl over for cupcakes and cookies. When we look at the video, we smile.

Louise~Jilly's mom

Louise,

This was wonderful! I saw a peace sign and a butterfly!

Robyn

[robyn]

THANK YOU GUYS AND GALS....VERY HARD DAY TODAY....EMOTIONS RUNNING EVERYWHERE...MOSTLY DOWN HILL.....THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF MY ANGEL

PRAYERS TO ALL OF YAL....AND YOUR ANGELS

Lorri,

A happy, heavenly birthday to your beautiful girl, Kourtney, and peace and blessings to you.

Robyn

[Guest msnher]

We love, love, LOVE the pediatric psychiatrist! She is also a therapist, so the girls will be seeing her, now. I'm a little slow, I didn't realize the other counselor was handing us over to someone else, but that's what happened. Mariah is not depressed, nor does she need medication. I was able to sit in on the entire intake - two full hours. The questions she, the therapist, asked Mariah were in depth - multiple choice answers. I was so proud of the way Mariah answered. She just seemed so mature. Anyway, when it was all said and done, Leslie (the psychiatrist) looked at me and said, "Mariah is not depressed. She has PTSD" She then went on to describe TO Mariah what PTSD is, what it's symptoms are and how it makes us react to certain situations. She also commented that a lot of what Mariah is going through is hormones - very natural, but combined with PTSD it magnifies the "problem". So, we are definitely going back to her on a regular basis. Mariah kept telling her, "I like you!" I like her, too. I wish there would have been someone like her when I was young. A couple of the answers Mariah gave made me swell with love and pride for her. Leslie asked Mariah how she felt about her looks: 1, I'm pretty. 2, I'm okay or 3, I don't like the way I look. Mariah answered 1 - "I'm pretty". Her first night with us - Feb 23, 2009 - she chanted "I'm so ugly." Such progress! She was also asked if she felt loved - Mariah giggled and said, "Yes, my grandma loves me and my grandpa loves me!" So, I'm glad I followed through with the appt. No pills and I feel like we turned a corner in their healing...a new tool has been added. The other counselor, Cari, will forever be loved by us, but we are excited for this new "turn".

I was involved in a fender bender in the parking lot, leaving the psychiatrists. Totally my fault. No one was hurt. His truck wasn't hurt, but I'll need a whole new fender. The man and the police officer were very kind (my first, ever, accident). When we were through they both told me they hoped my day got better. I told them, "My family has experienced the kind of accidents that ruin one's day; this is not one of them".

Well, that's all for now.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

susannah....as a pediatric nurse, that's what i like to hear...mariah sounds like she is on a good track and i hope she (and you) can find some forward progress and she can find more happiness and continue to feel 'pretty and loved'. bless her little heart. i am so proud of her and proud of you, too. glad you found a good therapist for her. this made me smile, big....thanks for sharing such a big part of your life....love, diane

[JD's Mom, Becky]

http://www.wmdt.com/story/17029235/keep-our-kids-alive-drive-35

I don't see the pictures the photographer took of our "yellow brick road", but at least it puts DelDot on the spot once again.

21 weeks today... sigh....

[Jilly's mom]

It's a good start Becky! Don't stop fighting for what is right!

Hugs.

Louise (Jilly's mom)

http://www.wmdt.com/story/17029235/keep-our-kids-alive-drive-35

I don't see the pictures the photographer took of our "yellow brick road", but at least it puts DelDot on the spot once again.

21 weeks today... sigh....

[robyn]

We love, love, LOVE the pediatric psychiatrist! She is also a therapist, so the girls will be seeing her, now. I'm a little slow, I didn't realize the other counselor was handing us over to someone else, but that's what happened. Mariah is not depressed, nor does she need medication. I was able to sit in on the entire intake - two full hours. The questions she, the therapist, asked Mariah were in depth - multiple choice answers. I was so proud of the way Mariah answered. She just seemed so mature. Anyway, when it was all said and done, Leslie (the psychiatrist) looked at me and said, "Mariah is not depressed. She has PTSD" She then went on to describe TO Mariah what PTSD is, what it's symptoms are and how it makes us react to certain situations. She also commented that a lot of what Mariah is going through is hormones - very natural, but combined with PTSD it magnifies the "problem". So, we are definitely going back to her on a regular basis. Mariah kept telling her, "I like you!" I like her, too. I wish there would have been someone like her when I was young. A couple of the answers Mariah gave made me swell with love and pride for her. Leslie asked Mariah how she felt about her looks: 1, I'm pretty. 2, I'm okay or 3, I don't like the way I look. Mariah answered 1 - "I'm pretty". Her first night with us - Feb 23, 2009 - she chanted "I'm so ugly." Such progress! She was also asked if she felt loved - Mariah giggled and said, "Yes, my grandma loves me and my grandpa loves me!" So, I'm glad I followed through with the appt. No pills and I feel like we turned a corner in their healing...a new tool has been added. The other counselor, Cari, will forever be loved by us, but we are excited for this new "turn".

I was involved in a fender bender in the parking lot, leaving the psychiatrists. Totally my fault. No one was hurt. His truck wasn't hurt, but I'll need a whole new fender. The man and the police officer were very kind (my first, ever, accident). When we were through they both told me they hoped my day got better. I told them, "My family has experienced the kind of accidents that ruin one's day; this is not one of them".

Well, that's all for now.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Susannah,

What great news about Mariah! You must be so relieved! She sounds like a great kid!

Sorry about the fender...ugh! car "stuff"...

Robyn

[mikesmomrs]

Louise thank you for sharing the birthday celebration for your beautiful Jilly. The lanterns are just beautiful and we certainlyknow that sweet Jilly was with you, right from your meeting with the burly harley guy to the shooting star, and everything in between. Thank you...I felt as if I was right there with all of you, sending those lanterns up to Jilly as she celebrated her birthday with all of our angels.

Becky: i loved the signs you all made and I know that JD is so very proud of you for trying to help to make this road safer. When I saw the pictures of the roadway, I must say that I am very surprised that the speed limit is not lower, since there are so many houses right along the roadway. I wish you much luck in your quest.

Susannah: I am so happy that everything worked out for Mariah with the new doctor. That Mariah likes her is frosting on the cake. I hope that you and Gary felt very good about the changes in Mariah's perception of herself...it is obviously very much a direct result of the beautiful love that exists in your home and the very hard work you and Gary have done to help them become aware of the goodness that does exist in this world. The children are so very blessed to have you, as you both are blessed to have them.

Greg: So good to see your Brian's face, and the letter from Alyssa, just awesome! How good she is at expressing herself.

Trudi, Betsy, Rhonda, Colleen, Robyn, Maddy, Susan, Dee, Kate, Kevin's mom, Dru, Diane, and anyone I have forgotten to mention...you all are in my prayers every day.

Love to you all

[Guest msnher]

Yes, Carol, it was sweet validation that maybe we're doing something right. Gary shed a few tears when I told him about it - I love that man! She, Leslie (the therapist) also validated our approach to sexuality and boundaries with the kids. She reiterated what we had already thought...these kids can't be approached the same way one would approach a child raised in a functional, loving environment, never exposed to abuse. We have been right to be so open, frank and honest with them; setting clear, strict boundaries. So, yes, Gary and I are both excited about this new person in our lives. It is the right time. We are ready. It is another step.

How are you doing, my friend? How is Ralph/Mike? How's Davis doing?

[ericasmom]

Greg, the letter was a wonderful artifact of the legacy Brian has left. His Daughter reaching out to him in this way, showing you, is evidence of her heart and spirit as she grows up, holding what you and her Daddy have given her.

Susannah, what a great addition to your lives, this therapist sounds like she is going to be able to lend so much to you all, good for Mariah to discuss who she is with this woman...a mark of the woman's ability and to Mariah's need to move forward in this change.

Jilly's party looks like a fabulous and poignant time. I love the sky lanterns, I have a few in my closet but did not use them last year as I was afraid of using whatever is needed to send them skyward. I love how they look though, there are many shapes and colors to choose from. I am glad that the spirit of Jilly was so easily felt at her celebration.

[Susie_q512]

Just dropping by for a quick minute to ask that you hold my friend and co-worker close to your hearts tonight. Her son and his best friend were involved in a car accident this evening. She is traveling out of state to be with her son. He is in ICU with a head injury and many broken bones. His friend was in emergency surgery last she heard. Praying that both these young men will heal from their injuries, and that neither of their families find themselves on this journey with us.

Thanks for the prayers!!!

[Guest msnher]

Susan - Prayers, definitely, prayers! Please keep us informed.

[Guest msnher]

Louise - I just found your post about how to get the sky lanterns. Love the story about the Biker at the fireworks place. Jilly's presence definitely "lighting" the way. Fireworks are illegal in our county. I'll ask our local firestation if we can release sky lanterns. I'm guessing not since I've never seen them around here before. The wind is always blowing here and we are very close to the mountain. The danger for grass fires and mountain fires is high. Yep. Talked myself out of it. Too dangerous in my neck of the woods. But, they are so beautiful!!!!

[shorty16]

Hello All

I went to the funeral of the 20 year old boy last night and something unexpected happened.

The Mother of the deceased introduced me as "The woman whose son died in that car stunt"

I was floored. I could not even speak.

I smiled, turned arounded and walked out.

My Brian is the 16 years he lived, not the one day he died.

I am sad today.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Greg

The letter from your grandaughter is priceless. She seems to mirror your sentiments about the old boyfriend, but brings light because she likes the new one.

Thank you for sharing that letter. You have a prize in that little girl.

PS: I gave the stickers to my Compassionate Friends group last night and they loved them.

Colleen, Brain's Mom Forever ("Brain" will always make me smile)

[Kenn]

.

[Susie_q512]

Colleen - Sorry such a stupid and insensitive comment/introduction was made. It would be nice if folks would take the time to engage their brain, before they opened their mouths to speak. (((Hugs))) to you, my friend.

Haven't heard anything from my friend and co-worker yet this morning, but still praying for her son and his best friend. She must be terrified, especially after witnessing all that I have gone through since the accident that claimed Shannon's life. She's often said to me, "I can't even begin to imagine..." or "I don't know what I would do if anything happened to one of my boys."....now here she finds herself, hanging on the precipice of that possibility. My heart aches for her as I continue to pray that the outcome for these two families will be vastly different from my own.

Greg - The letter brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing it with us.

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - hugs to you! People can say the stupidest things, perhaps not meaning to be so insensitive, but painful, nonetheless. I would have been hurt, too. You handled yourself gracefully and with dignity.

heydaddy - Seriously?

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Kenn]

.

[westleysmom]

Colleen-I'm so sorry that she said that, of course it was uncalled for and she probably realized it as soon as the words came out of her mouth. I have been having quite a few sad days lately too, lots of changes going on and it seems like the world is moving forward at high speed, taking me further and further away from Westley and the world they way he knew it. It makes me sad to see new movies and games and cars and things that he would like and knowing that he isn't here to enjoy them. And he isn't here for me to enjoy his being here with me. I know you know what I'm talking about, as we all do. In time, I believe that the newly bereaved mother who said that will come to realize what we know-it doesn't matter how they left, the fact that they are gone and not coming back is the fact we can't get past. Hugs to you friend, who told me that happiness doesn't come running down the stairs to meet us anymore. Sometimes it seems happiness is showing me only its back as it moves further away from me and catching it is beyond my ability to run.

Carol-Good to see your post. I hope that Mike's treatment is going okay and you are taking care of yourself.

Greg-Such a sweet letter from Alyssa, I hope that you are able to see her more in the days to come.

Susan-So hoping that your friend's son and his friend are going to get better soon.

Hugs to all, like I said very busy and not much time to post, but reading to keep up as much as I can

[hoosiermom]

Colleen,

You are also much more than "the woman whose son died in that car stunt".......you are an amazing mom, wife, friend, sister, co-worker, you name it!

We should never be defined by the way our children died...how about by the way they lived, or even by the way we live after such a devastating loss. We can become bitter and angry, or we can become compassionate and empathetic and you are most definitely the latter.

I'm going to chalk her insensitive remark up to grief over her own loss.

Jenn

Brianna's momma

9/22/1993-7/5/2009

[Maddy6]

My mental outlook, my emotional health, is improving. For now.......I am emerging from my long road of depression. Since I have been on this site, I found the place where real joy is again. I do not know if it is fleeting, or will stay. I think back and know I have laughed and smiled in the months, years since Rachael died. Yet.....somehow I know it was not real. I am not sure what it was, but the pain....the terrible pain....always lived beneath my surface. Ever since I received the advise to choose, to make myself, find enjoyment, to force myself, I have been taking that advice. It wasn't just that.....it has been the multitude of counsel I have received.......In abundance of counselors, there is victory.Anyway, my 20 yo son who has struggled tremendously since the death of his sister is improving. He is finally coming out of his depression. We are thrilled. It is like he is turning the corner toward moving forward now. I know that my outlook has greatly influenced him. He stays close by me and in many ways has not wanted to grow up since Rachael died. He likes to cook with me and do things with me etc. When I tried to tell him one day that he had to grow up because his dad & I would die one day, he fell to pieces and started crying. Death was a reality to him because of the loss of Rachael.

My husband and I went to my son's new therapist last week who told us that my son thinks that by not growing up, he is remaining loyal to Rachael and keeping things as they were. He told us my son has not grieved for Rachael properly and is trying to keep things as they were before she died. When the therapist told us this, my husband and I were struck with the truth of his words and it was so obvious then. It really helped because we realized our son was OK. We have had to force our son to go to therapy, because for so long he refused. Another son, 19 yo, who used to always be easy going and laid back, he was the closest to Rachael. He has struggled tremendously also. It has been heartbreaking because he was best friends with his older sister. He has a lot of anger issues. He has refused counsel too. We are going to sit him down and talk to him, and force him into therapy. He is a good kid. He works and goes to college and lives at home. But we get the brunt of his anger and we can't take it anymore. We are going to have to tell him that either he goes to the therapist, or he has to move out. Please pray for us that he will be willing to go to the therapist. The therapist told us we were being "good" parents when Rachael died. We were doing what parents are supposed to do. The fact that she died was tragic, but it did not mean that we were at fault, and that her death was nt the desired outcome. We had blamed ourselves for Rachael's death because we were pushing on her to be responsible and other parent type stuff. In my self blame, I had quit being a parent that I should be. Thinking I was a failure as a parent. Somehow this therapists words got through to me. I need to be a parent again and I have to realize that I cannot control the circumstances and outcomes in my children's lives. They do. They are responsible for that. I am free now to be a parent again. Or at least I am emerging. I did not realize that when I let the parent part of me die too ....I did not realize....that that was who I was at the core of my being. That it compounded my depression.

Carol, thank you for your prayers for me. I appreciate them so much. Thank you for your kindness and for the light that you shine, for your strength, and your faith. Thank you everyone for listen to me ramble again. I should change my display name to The Rambler..... :-)Have a great day everyone :-)

Love,Maddy

[dwsmithrn]

oh colleen....what in the world was that lady thinking? or is she just a moron? i can't believe it? or, wait, yes i can. i think i have been hit in the gut with other stupid comments along this road. i think that's the worst thing i've heard though. i am so sorry...that had to hit you right in the gut and straight to the heart. i am so very sorry for that lady's total disregard for your feelings and her ignorance.

greg....thank you for sharing your granddaughter's loving letter to brian. she is a dollbaby. you have done a fantastic job with her and she obviously loves and misses her daddy. it must be hard for her to write her letters. she is precious.

louise...thank you for sharing the video of the jilly's party. i love the sky lanterns and i will try to find some for when i want to release some for nathan. i tried balloons for his first b'day in heaven, but they lost their helium and then it rained hard that night and it was just a disaster and so i cried all night because i did not get to honor him on his birthday like i had planned. i will definitely have some sky lanterns for his next birthday. thank you so much for sharing this idea with us.

susan...i will keep these families in my thoughts and close to my heart.

thinking about everyone here and as always, holding you as close as i possibly can....love you all....diane

[Kenn]

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[Guest msnher]

Jenn - Well said!

Maddy - I love your rambles. I'm a rambler, too. That's how I sort "stuff" out. I come on here and write. Often, by the time I've written a full page of thoughts and emotions, I've totally worked through "it" - the proverbial "it". I'm glad you're here.

Rhonda - The passing of time seems so surreal for me. I'm not sure how I feel about it. In the beginning, I dreaded each passing minute because it took me that much further away from Stephanie. Then I came to invite time to pass quickly because it meant I could be with her that much sooner. But, somewhere in the middle of the last two and a half years, time has sort of stood still. There are real moments of joy and laughter intermingled with real moments of intense pain and sadness. And, there are a lot of neutral moments...not serene, but not devastating...where I could turn either way with the drop of a pin. Hugs to you!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

OMG, Colleen! I am so sorry, I know you had to have been overwhelmed, and understand the sad state it put you in.

I had a few harsh comments to the first tv broadcast in my effort to reduce the speed limit in Jared's honor, and though I realize the world is full of hateful, and ignorant people, it still hurt me. I had to really bite my toungue and think and rethink what an appropriate response would be, and after several attempts, I think I accomplished that; but for you, put on the spot in public like that? You did the right thing to walk out, that spoke volumes.

((((HUGS))))

Hello All

I went to the funeral of the 20 year old boy last night and something unexpected happened.

The Mother of the deceased introduced me as "The woman whose son died in that car stunt"

I was floored. I could not even speak.

I smiled, turned arounded and walked out.

My Brian is the 16 years he lived, not the one day he died.

I am sad today.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

My mental outlook, my emotional health, is improving. For now.......I am emerging from my long road of depression. Since I have been on this site, I found the place where real joy is again. I do not know if it is fleeting, or will stay. I think back and know I have laughed and smiled in the months, years since Rachael died. Yet.....somehow I know it was not real. I am not sure what it was, but the pain....the terrible pain....always lived beneath my surface. Ever since I received the advise to choose, to make myself, find enjoyment, to force myself, I have been taking that advice. It wasn't just that.....it has been the multitude of counsel I have received.......In abundance of counselors, there is victory.Anyway, my 20 yo son who has struggled tremendously since the death of his sister is improving. He is finally coming out of his depression. We are thrilled. It is like he is turning the corner toward moving forward now. I know that my outlook has greatly influenced him. He stays close by me and in many ways has not wanted to grow up since Rachael died. He likes to cook with me and do things with me etc. When I tried to tell him one day that he had to grow up because his dad & I would die one day, he fell to pieces and started crying. Death was a reality to him because of the loss of Rachael.

My husband and I went to my son's new therapist last week who told us that my son thinks that by not growing up, he is remaining loyal to Rachael and keeping things as they were. He told us my son has not grieved for Rachael properly and is trying to keep things as they were before she died. When the therapist told us this, my husband and I were struck with the truth of his words and it was so obvious then. It really helped because we realized our son was OK. We have had to force our son to go to therapy, because for so long he refused. Another son, 19 yo, who used to always be easy going and laid back, he was the closest to Rachael. He has struggled tremendously also. It has been heartbreaking because he was best friends with his older sister. He has a lot of anger issues. He has refused counsel too. We are going to sit him down and talk to him, and force him into therapy. He is a good kid. He works and goes to college and lives at home. But we get the brunt of his anger and we can't take it anymore. We are going to have to tell him that either he goes to the therapist, or he has to move out. Please pray for us that he will be willing to go to the therapist.

The therapist told us we were being "good" parents when Rachael died. We were doing what parents are supposed to do. The fact that she died was tragic, but it did not mean that we were at fault, and that her death was nt the desired outcome. We had blamed ourselves for Rachael's death because we were pushing on her to be responsible and other parent type stuff. In my self blame, I had quit being a parent that I should be. Thinking I was a failure as a parent. Somehow this therapists words got through to me. I need to be a parent again and I have to realize that I cannot control the circumstances and outcomes in my children's lives. They do. They are responsible for that. I am free now to be a parent again. Or at least I am emerging. I did not realize that when I let the parent part of me die too ....I did not realize....that that was who I was at the core of my being. That it compounded my depression.

Carol, thank you for your prayers for me. I appreciate them so much. Thank you for your kindness and for the light that you shine, for your strength, and your faith.

Thank you everyone for listen to me ramble again. I should change my display name to The Rambler..... :-)Have a great day everyone :-)

Love,Maddy

Maddy...I am so pleased that the cloud is starting to life. Heydaddy is so right. It does look good on you.

Colleen...give me a break...was she for real? Oh brother, we most definitely need to write that book!

Susannah...so happy that the meeting went well for Mariah. So, good news all around. Excellent.

Dee...thinking of you...dear friend.