Loss of an Adult Child

February 28, 2012

maddy...good luck with the therapist...sounds like you and your family are on a good track. i love my therapist and we think she has really helped us a lot. we still go as a couple, and we think we will keep going as long as we need to. we started going about 3 months after nathan left us and still, she has some good things to say and gives us "homework" that helps me get through each week. i try to find a way to do what she asks of me and i think it helps me stay sane, well sort of....i don't know if i have ever been truly 'sane'...LOL...at least if you asked my kids, they would laugh about that...anyway....i think if you get the whole family to go, i think you would find it would make great strides in getting your family back together. the loss of a child and their sibling is a BIG DEAL and it affects everyone in the family. it does change us, and that also plays a role on the siblings as they feel they have lost a sister and then a part of their mother. i know, my children feel they have lost me, too. i have not found myself yet, and it makes my children feel very alone and fearful that i may not be the mother they once knew. and i most likely won't be...but someone else...hopefully, one day i will morph into a new and improved person, someone they like even better.

and, yes, these people here, the indigos, are so wonderful and caring and loving and give wonderful advice and lead us down the right path, with big footprints to follow. i try to put one foot in front of the other, ever so slowly, but i think that i am making some forward progress. it just take some time. i could not do it, if not for the folks on this site. truly, i am grateful. i don't know why we were the chosen ones to have to give up our children. i don't know why we have to be here, i don't. i have no answers and will never have them. i continue to search, until i am all searched out, knowing deep in my soul, that i will be all searched out. and then i will be able to make bigger and better strides forward and be the new and improved person. somedays i am afraid to keep searching and other days i am ready to give up the search, but i sometimes think i am giving up on nathan if i give up the search. but does he want me to give up and move forward instead? again, another unanswered question...catch 22, always, it's catch 22, at least in my feeble, grieving, guilt burdened mind. what a terrible place to be.

and so, on to counseling i go, to try to rid myself of the demons in my head so i CAN HONOR MY NATHAN....by moving forward. what a crazy, mixed-up, journey this can be....why me? why us? why in general? this life sucks. maddy, i am proud of you...you have come a long way and you are trying hard to find yourself again.

love, diane

February 28, 2012

Rhonda,I totally understand, I was torn between passionately trying to hang onto the past so it would remain as it was. That was where Rachael had been, and not wanting new things to take place. Not wanting the world to continue on. How could that be possible....it was a world that Rachael was not in. A new world where my family was not complete any longer. Then the emotions of wanting the clock to race forward emerged. Going forward I discovered that my pain was getting softer. So then I wanted the days and weeks to pass quickly to ease the suffering. Then I felt guilty for feeling that way. One thing was certain, as I look back now. It was some sort of dream like state I lived in. I was on medication and I do not know how much it influenced that mindset. It was as if I was in such an extreme state of shock, that daily I reacclimated to the new existence I lived in. The existence without Rachael.

The week before she died we were at the movie theater together. A song was playing before the movie came on that she said her old boyfriend in New Orleans said was his song about her. He had been crazy about Rachael since they were in high school. She just looked at me and laughed when she said it. She was so cute. Rachael had several boys that liked her, and she was finally settling down with the current boyfriend. I think he was going to be the one. He was a perfect match for her. It hurts when I think of the grandchild we would possibly have now. My 20 yo son talked just several days ago about how he wished he was an uncle and he knows Rachael would have had a niece or nephew for him. Whenever I hear the song, I love it, yet It causes me such pain. I had loved that old boyfriend also. He was such a good, respectable kid. He was out of the country when he heard she died. He caught a flight back immediately. Rachael had so many good friends. She was such a good kid. I miss her so much. I miss what could have been. I miss the family we had. I have to move forward now. I have to forge a new family for us. A family where we figure out how to exist without her.it is painful and sad. I will choose to stop looking at what could have been. I will chooses this day to look at what is.....at what can and will be. I will look at the fantastic children I have that are alive and choose to be a mom to them for their life's adventure.

Sorry for rambling.....thanks for listening.

Love,Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 more also

February 28, 2012

to all the ramblers...i love to read the rambles....there is always food for thought in the rambles....some of us need the food and something to think about...so thanks for rambling.

February 28, 2012

Just dropping by for a quick minute to ask that you hold my friend and co-worker close to your hearts tonight. Her son and his best friend were involved in a car accident this evening. She is traveling out of state to be with her son. He is in ICU with a head injury and many broken bones. His friend was in emergency surgery last she heard. Praying that both these young men will heal from their injuries, and that neither of their families find themselves on this journey with us.

Thanks for the prayers!!!

Prayers sent for the boys, thier families and friends, and for you.

February 28, 2012

Hello All
I went to the funeral of the 20 year old boy last night and something unexpected happened.
The Mother of the deceased introduced me as "The woman whose son died in that car stunt"
I was floored. I could not even speak.
I smiled, turned arounded and walked out.
My Brian is the 16 years he lived, not the one day he died.
I am sad today.
Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen, I think you handled the whole thing very well. As much as it must have hurt, you held your head high. You are so right, our children are not and should not be defined by how they died but how they lived and who they were. Hugs and prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

February 28, 2012

Just a quick comment as I head out for errands (yay, no doctor's appointments today!):

Diane: you wrote: i will definitely have some sky lanterns for his next birthday. Why wait for his next birthday? Perhaps you could do it now. We can honor our child any day, any time we wish, and since you felt such heartbreak over how it turned out on that day due to weather, etc., perhaps you could plan it for a day when it is predicted to be good weather, sometime soon? Even if you have to do it with just yourself and Jim, it is still FOR Nathan, and the heart that lies so troubled within you may find some peace for a bit while you allow your honoring to take place in a way that comforts you. I will be with you in spirit, as I know all of us would be, just let us know if you make the plans and when it will happen. I wish I lived nearby; I would come and help you do the preparations.

Susan: Prayers for the boys and their families.

Maddy: So glad to hear that you are doing better and feeling stronger about honoring the day you are facing, as well as working towards helping your family come together as one in this new world we are in. Rachael will always be with you, always, just there, on the other side of the veil that separates us from our beautiful angels. You are so very welcome, thank you for your kind words.

Rhonda: Good to see your post. I pray you strength and peaceful moments of sweet memories.

Colleen: I am so very sorry that you were so hurt. You did do the right thing by leaving. Nothing could have been accomplished by more words at that point. My heart to you, my friend. Please don't let this incident influence your desire in a negative way to reach out to others as you have in the past. Just one month after Mike died, I had to attend the funeral of a close friend's granddaughter, who had died of cancer, at the age of 5. It was difficult to say the least, but I knew I HAD to do it; this child had only been diagnosed three months before she died; this family was devastated. My friend's family let me know that they felt so very comforted by my being there. With each one of them, It was as if they looked up and saw an old friend when I came through the line. Some of them I had never met, but they all knew about Mike's passing. The child's mother came to hug me and I thought she would never let go. We looked into each other's eyes with a depth of understanding that transcended words. That one moment made the torturous hour of standing in line for over an hour to go through the line worthwhile. That one moment of being able to offer her comfort. On a side note, of course, all we could think of while in line, was Mike. It was just two days after his one month anniversary that we were standing there, outside that funeral parlor. As we got closer to the doorway, we noticed a car, the only one in that area, parked next to the door. The license plate read "TEK33" Jason Veritek was one of ours and Mike's favorite Red Sox players. We loved the man. When Mike and I would go to a game, we always hoped that Jason ("Tek" as everyone called him) was doing catching that day. Seeing the Red Sox emblem on the car, next to the license plate, let us know for sure that the owner was referring to this Red Sox player, and that Mike was with us, there, in that line, helping us to find strength to stay and be there for this family. Sending you strength, my friend, and love, as you move away from this hurtful remark.

Got to go...love to all, all of my Indigo family.

February 28, 2012

My heart breaks in sadness for the 3 families who lost their children in the recent school shooting in Ohio. My heart breaks for the confused and angry young man who did the shooting. It breaks for the students in the cafeteria who witnessed the shooting. For the trauma experienced by all of these young people and their families. So much tragedy. So much heartache and pain. Why? I do not understand.......and I hurt for all of these people.

February 28, 2012

carol....thank you for that...YES!!! you are right...what am i waiting for...anytime, any day...i can send the lanterns nathan's way anytime i want to....yes, what a concept....my time is his time....thank you for that. i will work on that and i know that lesley and her family would love to do that with us. and i will let you know and i will video tape it so i will have it for my memories.....

maddy...ditto on the ohio families and victims....

February 28, 2012

My dear friends,

I'm hoping for some advice- I'm in uncharted waters. I have been worrying, a LOT, about my two granddaughters. As I have told you, Chrissy left behind two very sweet little girls, one 3 and the other is 7. The fathers of both are very difficult men. The older girl, Ava, was scooped by her father the week Chrissy left. She lives with him in Colorado now. I speak to her on the phone, and we send gifts every holiday. We are doing everything we can to maintain a good relationship with her father, but he doesn't make it easy. The younger girl, Alex, lives here with her Dad, but he is (and has always been) an extremely private person, and we always worry about "crossing the line". He seems to be withdrawing more and more, and clinging to Alex like a lifejacket in the middle of the ocean! He is spending less and less time with the family. He loves us, but I think we remind him of too much. I had a weird dream last night: I was babysitting Alex. She fell asleep and I left and went home. She was alone for 15 minutes before her father came home. All I remember feeling was terror at the thought that her father would never let me see her again. This was strange. Alex and I have a great time when we are together and I would NEVER leave her alone- ANYWHERE. I woke confused and wondering where THAT came from!

Husband and I are planning a Disney trip with the family, especially for the two 7 year old granddaughters (Ava and Claire) as a birthday present. Ava's father has promised he will let her come out for a visit and the trip, but we don't know that he will actually allow her to come. I am making sure that I have the photo albums, with copies of all the pictures (especially of Chrissy) and the little crafty things my kids did when they were babies, because I KNOW Ava and Alex will someday want to know everything about their beautiful mother.

But from here, I get lost. What are the effects of a mother's loss, especially when the children are so young? I wish I knew what was happening with Ava more. She is older and is actually the one who found her mother, couldn't wake her, and ran to the neighbor for help. I worry that she will blame herself. Alex keeps asking her father, "will mommy come and see me tomorrow?"- he cries and then she cries. I have been doing some research on the internet, but it isn't really helpful.

I am a praying woman, and know that God is in control, but I could use some advice from anyone who has had to deal with the little ones after losing their child. It would help to know what to expect as they get older, and how to help.

Thanks to you all- and not just for this!

Love

Robyn

February 28, 2012

robyn..it sounds like you are in a situation that needs some guidance. nathan did not have a wife/significant other or children, so i am not the one to give advice on this subject. i do know people who have had to go to court to get visitation for their grandchildren. if this is not an option for you, maybe the fathers of these precious children will be so kind to have some sit-down talks with you and allow you to have the children for specified times for visits. i know you miss your child so much and would love nothing more than to have her precious children for some time alone. i so hope you can work something out. i wish you the best.

i am so sorry for the loss of you daughter. keep praying. love, diane

February 28, 2012

Hello All
I went to the funeral of the 20 year old boy last night and something unexpected happened.
The Mother of the deceased introduced me as "The woman whose son died in that car stunt"
I was floored. I could not even speak.
I smiled, turned arounded and walked out.
My Brian is the 16 years he lived, not the one day he died.
I am sad today.
Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen ~ I can see you walking in with the best of intentions and the biggest heart. Being there for the family. I can only imagine that this person is limited in her ability to find the right words to introduce you. I would have gone with "this is Colleen, she lost her boy Brian, so she knows only too well how this feels." It would seem that even those who have experienced the loss of a child can have entries into the book of 'Oh no you didn't just say that'.

Brian was so much more to so many than that one day. His life has a purpose, to remind others that one choice can change a lifetime. Heck he is one of the angels who instigated the migration of those who wouldn't/couldn't fly to come together in MN.

Love to you....hugs as well.

February 28, 2012

Robyn, You are already doing what you can do. You are including them, encouraging them and making a memory book for them. My grandchildren love to hear stories of their mother, especially if it includes them. What their mommy was like while she was pregnant with them. What happened when they were born. Her pride in them. Each of them keep a picture, in a frame, in their room of them with their mom. They still write letters to her and/or color for her. There will come a time when they will search out that information from you. It seems you are doing everything you can do to keep the lines of communication open with their fathers. I've heard of some grandparents taking the surviving parent to court and being awarded visitation rights. In Wyoming, however, grandparents have very little, if any, rights. It's an expensive, frustrating battle. Good luck.

February 29, 2012

Robyn, you are doing what you can with what you have to work with. When our daughter left us she left behind her 4 year old son Tavian who was with us that night...Jessica was a single mom so Tavian spent alot of time with us, first becuz we wanted him and second becuz Jessica worked hard, was a great mother and Tavian was her life but she needed a break now and then and we loved having him.. We did not tell Tavian right away about his mom as we were just trying to breathe and stand on our feet. I was the one who told him on Sunday morning, I am not sure of all of the words I used with him but I do know that I told him it was not his fault....being only 4 he had no idea of the circle of life so it was day to day....Children have a strength we do not possess...Yes Tavian cried and at times I was not sure how to handle it but somehow I always found a way and I believe my Angel Jessica was guiding me. Each child is different I believe....Tavian was so close to us he felt secure although he cried for his mommy and he wanted to go "home" we always found a way to get through the days. The hardest thing with Tavian was his insecurity of being away from us and going to bed by himself.....He said good nite and I love you to his mommy, went to bed and woke up with no mommy so going to bed was very scarey for him....and he thought if he could not see us then we would "go away" also.....There is no wrong or right way to do things, you can only do what you think is best and go with it. Tavian is a wonderful 10 year old boy who now goes to bed by himself, he is self-confident, smart, secure and everything I know his mom would be proud of......He still does not like to be away from us but that will come with time......I probably have not helped you at all but like I said you must go with your heart - it sounds like you are doing just fine and taking them on a Disney vacation will be wonderful....just love them, listen to them and be there for them when you can.... Bless you..

Very tired tonite so I will say hello to all - think of you each day and remember our Angels always....Love and Peace, Kathy

February 29, 2012

My sweet brother Billy - 10 years ago today you left us and I miss you every day....I love you little brother always and forever...your sis Kathy

February 29, 2012

Kathy - thoughts of you and your brother, Billy! Hugs!!!

February 29, 2012

Have not had a minute all day, Kath, prayers and hope sent to the Heavens for your Brother Billy...I know that the date makes the day bring forth the sadness of his leaving too early.

Susan, prayers for your friend whose Son was injured. So much worry for them, because we know.

Prayers for the now three families who lost a child yesterday to the shooting in Ohio. Prayers too for the young man who shot the others, for he is in a new kind of hell. My heart aches for them all.

Col, I am so glad that you went to the funeral or wake of the young man in town, so good of you. His Momma just did not use the right words, she was trying to show the connection but what came out was so very uncomfortable to your heart. I do agree with heydaddy here. I do not think that she could do better at the time, grief stole her words the same old way it did for many of us. I am sorry though that you were hurt by this.

Robyn, I wish you good luck in working with the Dads of the grandgirls. I would imagine that it is difficult for you and that it must be hard on the girls to have once lived together and now live apart from each other. I do hope that the dads will take in consideratin the needs of their Daughters and know that they need Grammy and each other several times per year.

February 29, 2012

Susan, prayers going up from this house for the injured boy and all who are touched by that event. Keep us posted please. If, God forbid, she joins our group, you will be her live preserver. If not, you can still hold her hand.

Colleen, put her comment in the "you did not just say that book!" and shake your head. You are right, our children were soooo much more than their last day!

Robyn, don't ever stop trying...they will someday grow up and make their own choices..and have wonderful memories with their grandma.

Diane, I wish I lived close enough to help you with a launch too. Pick your own day. Any day you do it will be special...and worth it!

Dee, you sure are a busy woman, do you get enough time for yourself?

Becky, great job on raising awareness! JD would be proud!

Diane, thinking of you!

to all the other indigos I have not mentioned, I keep you lifted up in prayer each night too. I am so grateful for this site! In our little town we lost another boy 2 weeks ago, a 13 year old. My youngest daughter has taken his sister under her wing, and helps her get through each day. Their family doesn't seem to have the same support system we did, so our daughter is doing what she can to provide it., Mom is lost....no official cause of death yet. Another mom in the next small town lost TWO of her sons on Halloween in a car accident right in the middle of a nasty divorce. Please keep them all in your thoughts and prayers. I feel like those of you further down the path are leaving breadcrumbs for those of us who follow you, showing us how to put one foot in front of the other. I am truly grateful.

Louise (Jilly's mom)

February 29, 2012

robyn..it sounds like you are in a situation that needs some guidance. nathan did not have a wife/significant other or children, so i am not the one to give advice on this subject. i do know people who have had to go to court to get visitation for their grandchildren. if this is not an option for you, maybe the fathers of these precious children will be so kind to have some sit-down talks with you and allow you to have the children for specified times for visits. i know you miss your child so much and would love nothing more than to have her precious children for some time alone. i so hope you can work something out. i wish you the best.
i am so sorry for the loss of you daughter. keep praying. love, diane

Diane,

So far, we haven't had to consider anything like legal action. Chrissy's first husband has promised to let Ava come and visit. So far, we haven't been given a reason to doubt him, but he has changed his mind before. I honestly think that Ava will make whatever decision she wants to when she is older, but for now, we are in limbo. Time will tell...

Thanks and I will definately keep praying!

Robyn

February 29, 2012

Robyn, You are already doing what you can do. You are including them, encouraging them and making a memory book for them. My grandchildren love to hear stories of their mother, especially if it includes them. What their mommy was like while she was pregnant with them. What happened when they were born. Her pride in them. Each of them keep a picture, in a frame, in their room of them with their mom. They still write letters to her and/or color for her. There will come a time when they will search out that information from you. It seems you are doing everything you can do to keep the lines of communication open with their fathers. I've heard of some grandparents taking the surviving parent to court and being awarded visitation rights. In Wyoming, however, grandparents have very little, if any, rights. It's an expensive, frustrating battle. Good luck.

Susannah,

Ava's other grandmother told me that she has a picture of her Mom next to her bed, but I just don't know what else is going on with her. Her father promised my husband and I that he would see to it that Ava saw a child psychologist. We were worried because the first thing Ava said after her Mom passed was "did I do something wrong?" It broke our hearts and caused us to worry about how she would deal with it all. I am sincerely hoping that it never comes down to legal action, as I am really hoping for an open relationship with him. His family was very harsh towards Chrissy during the divorce, and I am not confident that they will deal with her fairly now that they have Ava all the time. I'm spending a lot of time before Him about this and trusting Him.

Thank you!

Robyn

February 29, 2012

Robyn, you are doing what you can with what you have to work with. When our daughter left us she left behind her 4 year old son Tavian who was with us that night...Jessica was a single mom so Tavian spent alot of time with us, first becuz we wanted him and second becuz Jessica worked hard, was a great mother and Tavian was her life but she needed a break now and then and we loved having him.. We did not tell Tavian right away about his mom as we were just trying to breathe and stand on our feet. I was the one who told him on Sunday morning, I am not sure of all of the words I used with him but I do know that I told him it was not his fault....being only 4 he had no idea of the circle of life so it was day to day....Children have a strength we do not possess...Yes Tavian cried and at times I was not sure how to handle it but somehow I always found a way and I believe my Angel Jessica was guiding me. Each child is different I believe....Tavian was so close to us he felt secure although he cried for his mommy and he wanted to go "home" we always found a way to get through the days. The hardest thing with Tavian was his insecurity of being away from us and going to bed by himself.....He said good nite and I love you to his mommy, went to bed and woke up with no mommy so going to bed was very scarey for him....and he thought if he could not see us then we would "go away" also.....There is no wrong or right way to do things, you can only do what you think is best and go with it. Tavian is a wonderful 10 year old boy who now goes to bed by himself, he is self-confident, smart, secure and everything I know his mom would be proud of......He still does not like to be away from us but that will come with time......I probably have not helped you at all but like I said you must go with your heart - it sounds like you are doing just fine and taking them on a Disney vacation will be wonderful....just love them, listen to them and be there for them when you can.... Bless you..
Very tired tonite so I will say hello to all - think of you each day and remember our Angels always....Love and Peace, Kathy

Kathy,

It's funny, but I think I have seen Chrissy intervene in one area with Ava. Ava's dad "sure, sured" us when we asked him to please keep Ava in a Christian school- Chrissy had been definate about that. I knew he wouldn't do it. Once he got out to Colorado, he told us that he wanted to either put her in a magnet school or in the school on base. BUT, suddenly, he and Ava were gushing about this wonderful Christian school that they had found and enrolled her in. He may not know why he changed his mind, but I think I do! I hung up the phone, looked at Chrissy's picture, and (laughing and crying)gave her a thumb's up and told her "Good going, girl!"

I really want the girls to know how wonderful their Mom is, what a good and decent person she is, and how strong her faith is. I know they will want to know these things one day. I'm not that worried about Alex. Her Dad is a good man- just in a lot of pain right now. I just can't help wondering what the long-term effects are on little girls who lose their Moms so young.

I'll always be there for them, and they will always know that.

Love,

Robyn

February 29, 2012

Susan, prayers going up from this house for the injured boy and all who are touched by that event. Keep us posted please. If, God forbid, she joins our group, you will be her live preserver. If not, you can still hold her hand.
Colleen, put her comment in the "you did not just say that book!" and shake your head. You are right, our children were soooo much more than their last day!
Robyn, don't ever stop trying...they will someday grow up and make their own choices..and have wonderful memories with their grandma.
Diane, I wish I lived close enough to help you with a launch too. Pick your own day. Any day you do it will be special...and worth it!
Dee, you sure are a busy woman, do you get enough time for yourself?
Becky, great job on raising awareness! JD would be proud!
Diane, thinking of you!
to all the other indigos I have not mentioned, I keep you lifted up in prayer each night too. I am so grateful for this site! In our little town we lost another boy 2 weeks ago, a 13 year old. My youngest daughter has taken his sister under her wing, and helps her get through each day. Their family doesn't seem to have the same support system we did, so our daughter is doing what she can to provide it., Mom is lost....no official cause of death yet. Another mom in the next small town lost TWO of her sons on Halloween in a car accident right in the middle of a nasty divorce. Please keep them all in your thoughts and prayers. I feel like those of you further down the path are leaving breadcrumbs for those of us who follow you, showing us how to put one foot in front of the other. I am truly grateful.
Louise (Jilly's mom)

Louise,

God bless your daughter for her care of another. Sometimes, those who leave can be judged by what they leave behind- this says a lot about Jilly- and you.

I'll be doing my best for my granddaughters. Time will tell with Ava, but with Alex, it's almost like watching Chrissy grow up all over again! She is so much like her Mom.

Love,

Robyn

February 29, 2012

Chrissy with her two girls.

February 29, 2012

Robyn ~ Your daughter and grandgirls are beautiful. It's such a fine line that we as 'grandparents' walk in order to maintain contact with our childrens children.

Losing our child is only part of the heartache. Knowing the 'boundaries' now set in place is like learning to live in another country without knowing the language or how our wanting to be in our grandchildrens lives will be interpreted.

I think its a waiting game of sorts. You can continue to stay in contact, keep journals etc so that when your grandgirls become of age there is a record, a memory that you have built for them of their mother through your eyes.

You aren't alone in being unsure of what you can do.

For us, we sort to be part of Mike's daughters life. Unfortunately his partner cut all ties with us. We were advised to try to write to his partner asking to see Harmony. The response was through her lawyers threatening us with a an 'intervention order' to prevent further contact. We sent Harmony gifts, they were returned with not so polite letters again threatening us with legal action. A card sent for Easter saw me served with court papers for 'harrasement'. The judge found the case had no substance given the harrasement related specifically to Birthday, Christmas and Easter. He made and order that the gifts were to be accepted and given to Harmony.

We did try to obtain visitation. Our lawyer explained that Harmony's mum had received 'legal aid'. She would not have to pay any legal fees. He went on to tell us even if orders were made, there was no guarantee that her mum would abide by them. In fact it was his understanding that she would intentionally breech the orders forcing us back to court each time. We would bare the brunt of the legal costs and we still would not be able to see Harmony. This could go on indefinitely.

So I keep a journal. I record (in pictures) every gift ever sent. I write to her, the other grandies write notes to her. I talk about her dad and hope that one day we will be able to see her again.

I have been able this past year to get a glimpse of her from afar. She is her dad all over. I haven't approached her, to do so might see her mum run. Right now she is still in our local area and appears to be happy.

This journey suxs. There are many twists and turns, this is one of them.

For those who have seen these before, please indulge me once again

Mike and a brand new Harmony

Mike Oct 06 at our house doing and interview for a Scholarship group

Walking with his girl at Melbourne University where they shot the ad for the Scholarship group. Nov 06. Harmony is 14 months old. Just on 2 months later Mike was gone.

Not sure if with each post the 'quote' is required. If not just hit reply instead of multiquote. Otherwise....have a nice night

February 29, 2012

Rambling.

I have a mean streak. I always have. It is easy for me to blame my upbringing, but I was born with this mean streak. Attack first, ask questions later. My older sibling disagrees with me. She says I was a sweet little girl who wanted to be loved but learned how to survive by being mean. Explanation - not an excuse. I would much rather stand tall, look someone straight in the eyes and challenge, "You want a piece of this!?" Then allow anyone to see me afraid. Of course, I always came out on the losing end - a child always does - but I learned to survive and as I got older people didn't mess with me so much.

I also have the gift of gab but lack the gift of tact. I can't tell you how many times I try to explain myself with kind words before getting to the point, which is usually harsh. I'll reread my wooshy words, gag, and hit delete. I have a wide vocabulary. Unlike one of the GOP candidates, I do not believe that education is snobbery...and, I still believe in God...but, I also have a very colorful, profane vocabulary that I often prefer to use. I don't like offending people, but I hate appearing all sweet and prim and proper. Definitely not me.

When I reached adulthood I found that the survival skills I learned on the streets and in foster homes no longer worked. It took many, many years of counseling for me to gain enough trust in other people to soften my "approach". There were actually a few years, before my grandchildren were returned to us, that I even enjoyed, well, joy. That was a fun time. I was like this little light, happy rainbow farting fairy sprinkling love stardust where ever I went. My feet didn't get knocked out from me all in one swoop. Several huge events took place in succession. The last being the death of my daughter. Within a 20 month span my grandchildren would be stolen by their step father and his girlfriend; my 52 yr old sister died from pneumonia; my daughter would get severely beat up by her then husband and finally put herself in rehab; my grandchildren were found by the state and returned to us - severely abused - we became their foster parents; a civil trial and criminal trial would begin; my daughter would successfully complete rehab and six weeks after being reunited with her children she would be killed in a freak ATV accident.

The rainbow farting Susannah was nowhere to be found. She wasn't spreading rainbows anymore - she was pulling the pins out of grenades and leaving them in her wake as she walked by, giving that eye that says "you want a piece of this?" with her middle finger extended to the heavens.

It wasn't like that in the beginning. In the beginning I was vulnerable. I cried to my friends...I mean, with actual tears and snot and hiccups...very foreign to me. And, they were so supportive...for about four months...then, they wanted me to "get on with it". Suit up. Show up. Deliver. It was not in my power to do. I remember getting my 7 yr coin two months after Stephanie died (for sobriety) . The congratulations went around the room and when it came to me I cried and said, "I don't mean to appear ungrateful, but quite frankly taking a drink is the last thing on my mind. My sobriety is not in danger, my life is. Please, tell me how to take the next breath...tell me how to get up in the morning...how do I fix my hair...how do I get dressed? Please, tell me how to live." Someone I respect looked at me in disgust and said, "You have nothing I want. You should be ashamed of yourself." OUCH!

It went on like that for quite some time.....most recently I reached out to a couple of prim and proper ladies who never swear and seem to have their poop in a group....turns out they've never liked me and relished the time alone with me to put me in my place...ending with how arrogant I was to be mad at God..."what did I expect him to do? You wanted to raise Stephanie's kids so bad!" So, that's how it looks to the outside world. I WANTED to raise her children so God killed my daughter. It had nothing to do with wanting them safe.

I've received that kind of reaction from this very site at times. At times I've come on here and said "I'm really hurting" and there hasn't been one ressponse. One time, early on, I wrote my anger out in detail and was told I was throwing a childish tantrum. Yet, I keep coming back. Not sure why.

I said ALL that to say this.............

Yes, heydaddy, when you say something about how you would have been dead a hundred times over from the stunts you pulled to a mother who is hurting by those very words...I reply, "seriously"? You have all these words of wisdom for everyone, and sometimes I agree with them, but you haven't even told us your name. I do remember you coming on here and telling us it has been six months and you had worked through your grief and that there is no difference between the pain of grief in a mother and father. You have called us "Career Grievers". So, yes...I call you on your bullshit! Do I do it with tact and grace? No - I do it openly and honestly. Tell us who YOU are. Tell us about your daughter. Be a part of the group. Not the "fixer". That part is "so male typical". Who are YOU? Instead of telling us how to grieve, how to feel and judging our journey, I would love to know who you are.

February 29, 2012

Kathy: thoughts yeseterday of your brother and you, as well. The missing goes on, I know.

Robyn, my prayers that the lines will continue to be open between you and your granddaughters. I am sorry that one of them was moved to another location, but I pray you continue contact and perhaps get to see her as often as possible. I am so glad that you had evidence of Chrissy's "intervention" in making sure Ava is in the school she had wanted for her. We have been very blessed with Mike's three boys. They are now 15, 14 and 7. The 15 year old (Chandler) is a teenager now, and as expected, he is not available as often, but he still likes to come and stay overnight now and again. The 14 year old, (Kameron) is a carbon copy of his dad in every way possible. He does still come quite often, though with hubby being sick and his immune system compromised due to the radiation/chemo, if the kids have even a sniffle, they can't come over, so that has prevented some visits. The youngest, Damon, is here as often as possible. We enjoy them all, and are so thankful to God that their moms are willing to keep us in their lives.

Trudi: I love the pics of Mike with Harmony, and the one you took from the film came out quite good. (I have tried to do this, but have not been very successful at it.) Having sat with you in Minnesota, watching this film, and watching you as it played, I saw first-hand the pain that you experience at the loss of having your precious granddaughter so near, and yet so far away.

Susan: Have you heard any word yet on the boys' conditions? Prayers continue for them and their families.

Louise: so sweet that your daughter is reaching out to help another.

It is so sad to hear of young ones dying, because now we know what their parents are going through, and we ache for them.

We had some good news yesterday...our daughter Cathi received a promotion at work and is going to a different type of job. She has been a secretary for over 20 years, and now is moving over to a 'library technician' position, with a pay raise. Her ultimate goal is to retire in 12 years and start work in a library, as well as pursuing an editing position along the way. This new job will help a lot with those goals. She is scared at changing stations in life, but excited and happy as well.

Today is hubby's and my "12th anniversary." We met 48 years ago today, on February 29th. It was "Sadie Hawkins Day" so my girlfriend's dad had told me that I had to ask Mike to marry me before midnight. I did, and six weeks later we actually did get married! One of those times when a hasty decision brought about joy instead of regret...we are both blessed with the life we've had together.

errands to run before the snow (yes, SNOW, finally, here, right outside our door...this has been the "winter without snow" around here and since I love it so, I am glad to see this happening. Perhaps I will get to go snow tubing with Mike's boys this year after all!

love to all, thinking of all and holding you close in prayer, as always.

February 29, 2012

Susannah,

I loved your rambling......you are an excellent writer. I have come to the conclusion that we all must be readers and writers. I hurt for you and the pain you have been through. Those nasty women.....people who do not know this pain......to tell you those things. I doubt their faith could hold water in the face of the adversity you have been through. I would love for you to write more and tell us your ramblings....I enjoy your writing so much, and your reflections, as well as the comedic inserts throughout :-).

Love,Maddy-Rachael's mom and 5 gloriously fantastic living children :-) - today is going to be a good day :-)

UGH!!......the ipad never formats my posts correctly and then I have to come to the computer that is old and we need a new one, and it has issues and take forever.

Anyway......I wanted to share this. I have always been crazy and silly before Rachael died. My kids have been showing me these shuffle videos on youtube. So I have decided I want to learn to shuffle. I am trying to learn and my son says to google old people shuffling! Too funny.........I shared all of that to say that that is a sign I am getting a little better. When and if I ever can shuffle, I will post a video Hahaha :-) Have a great day everyone.

Love, Maddy

February 29, 2012

happy anniversary carol and ralph/mike.........hope it's a good one....

February 29, 2012

I only have a few minutes left before I have to leave for an appointment - it's Jasmine's turn to see the new psychiatrist.

First, Maddy, you have not offended me at all. And, you make complete sense.

Second, Heydaddy, as soon as I dropped the other kids off at school, conviction rose in my gut. I was wrong to "attack" you. You are one of us. Your loss creates an unmistakeable bond. I hope you'll accept my apology. The truth is, your writing reminds me of a man I dated and he always seemed to have all the answers. I would tell him what I was thinking and he would actually tell me, "you don't think that, you think this". It didn't take long before his compliments felt like a razor in my skin. Some of the things you write remind me of him. Again, I apologize. And, as I sat outside the school, I also remembered the posts you wrote about your daughter, about her zest for life...about your trip with her boyfriend (husband?) So...it appears I have revealed my own immaturity. I have been mad at you ever since I read about Career Grievers. Perhaps we can be called "Career Survivors" instead?

I wish you peace and deeply apologize for turning my wrath towards you.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

February 29, 2012

Oh, one more thing, one of those women apologized to me a couple of days later. She said she was jealous of me because I always come across so confident and secure, which also comes across as arrogant. I'm not confident and secure. I'm quite sensitive and needy. Yet, to reveal those characteristics is quite difficult. I would rather people think me a bully or bitch than to think I NEED them.

Well, if that didn't just expose me to the point of making me gag, I don't know what will! LOL

February 29, 2012

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February 29, 2012

Happy Anniversary

Carol and Ralph

Mike...... smile down from heaven and bless this day.... breath heavenly angel dust upon all those who love you and remind them they will see you again.... may Carol and Ralph enjoy this day and their love for each other..... for you live on in their love.

February 29, 2012

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February 29, 2012

Carol-Happy 12th anniversary to you and Mike! That's a neat story and I guess its because it only comes up every 4 years. I hope the snow is deep and good for tubing. Congrats to Cathi on the new job too. Is Davis still doing okay?

Kathy-Missed your brother's angel date, but I hope that you had some good memories of him to get you through the day.

Trudi-I hope that you are able to see Harmony sometime soon. My sister's family is going through some of that, although its not due to death, but marital difficulties. She is devastated and afraid she won't get to see her grandson again. This just happened yesterday, he is 6 years old. We are all brokenhearted in our family and I hope that something will be worked out. My sister practically has raised him, they lived with her until about 2 years ago. Life is so very hard sometimes and I don't know what to tell her to help. I hope that when we talk I don't say things that would belong in the "oh no you didn't just say that" book of grandparents who don't get to see their grandchildren.

Robyn-I hope that the Dad's continue to keep the girl's best interests at heart. Such a sweet picture of Chrissy and the girls.

We're having bad weather here today, lots of storms and tornado warnings. Hope you are all safe and have a good day.

February 29, 2012

Okay, all this making up just warms my heart

But....now I am really confused....not to worry....that is not an unusual thing

so, I am confused because what is a "career survivor?" Somebody who survived their career? That whole career thing needs to be put to rest. It is getting toooo complicated......

Love

Maddy - mom to Rachael and 5 other gloriously, fantastic kids that I love....

"evureeday, I'm shuffullin!!" ......shuffle music from that commercial is playing

February 29, 2012

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February 29, 2012

trudi...i love the pictures of mike and harmony...she is so precious. i am so glad you shared the pics with us. i am so sorry that you are unable to see her or even to share your gifts and cards with her. such a sad circumstance to find yourself in and such a mean thing for someone to do to you. even more sad for harmony to grow up not knowing her dad's parents who could only love her as much as you love her dad. i am sorry you have this heartache as well.

robyn, i so hope that the dads of your grandchildren will offer up some kind of plan for visitations for you.

i don't want to be called a 'career' anything. i am just a grieving mother who has not found her way on this path through grief yet. i need this site to help guide me through, but i don't want to be called a name except my own name and i want nathan to be remembered for who he was...and he was great, we called him 'nate the great' for many years when he was young...his kindergarten teacher started it and it stuck until he was older. he accomplished so much in his short 32 years, so much that one day i will list it for you, but for now i am too tired. i just want to bask in it today. i miss him and i will always grieve the loss of my beautiful son. it is not a career, it is simply what it is, grief. even Jesus grieved. shortest sentence in the Bible...Jesus wept. and it was for grieving the loss of his friend. so, yes, even Jesus grieved. so we all have our time to grieve and i don't think it is appropriate for anyone, here or out 'there' to tell any of us when, where, or how long we should grieve our loved ones. this grief belongs to us, and is ours alone. we decide. we will know when we are ready to move forward. there must be a time when something lets go or tells our heart that it is time to make the move. i will know. i have made some forward progress....from the beginning to now. and i will continue to move, but i still take the baby steps and i continue to peek around the corner slowly, but this is how i make my way out. slowly. and that's ok. it is ok for me. so, i don't want to be judged or criticized. i just want to make it out of my house on any given day and say i did it. this is major progress as i know it. 13 months is not a long time. it seems like yesterday. sometimes i can't even get the image out of my head. and sometimes i can only see his smiling face in my head. i often wonder do i have post traumatic syndrome? i don't know.

now, i guess that is my rambling for the day. sorry.....have a good day to all......love, diane

February 29, 2012

Happy Anniversary
Carol and Ralph
Mike...... smile down from heaven and bless this day.... breath heavenly angel dust upon all those who love you and remind them they will see you again.... may Carol and Ralph enjoy this day and their love for each other..... for you live on in their love.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CAROL & MIKE/RALPH! HAVE A GREAT DAY!

February 29, 2012

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February 29, 2012

Diane,I also would like to say if my joking today with others has offended you, I am so very, very sorry. You are absolutely correct and I am glad you clarified all of that. I am beginning to emerge back into a world where I sometimes find laughter again. I am sorry for any insensitivity by the comment made to other friends. Please know we all walk with you on this incredibly painful journey, never intentionally hurting, but sometimes taking a misstep through human frailty.

Love,

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 more.

February 29, 2012

thank you heydaddy and maddy....i'm not mad and i don't mind a joke and some kidding around...we all need a laugh or two, especially on this site. a big smile is essential to keep us going. even when i don't feel like smiling...someone here can bring one to my face. and i appreciate a smile. guess i was just blowing off some of my grief on this site where i feel i can. my true career is a pediatric nurse and i have not been able to go back to work since 1/21/11.....i can't make myself get it together enough to face the parents that are nathan's friends and my other children's friends that are married and have children and i can only picture what nathan is missing out on and also how they ask about us and although they are trying to be sympathetic in what they say, it only brings me to tears. my emotions are just not ready to meet the public. it may seem silly and abnormal to many, but it is just the way i am. i have always been emotional and i wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see, but this, well, this really brought me to my knees and i haven't been able to stand upright since.

my goal is when i get myself together and i can actually function in the real world is to do something meaningful with the suicide prevention society. i have no idea what or when that might be, but i think i feel the pull, the drive, the need to do something with that. at least that is my goal. time will tell.

i know i am an emotional wreck right now, but i am trying super hard to make those tough strides forward.

i was not happy about being called a 'career griever'. this is supposed be to our 'cone of safety' and when i came here i felt safe and loved and cared for and everyone here was so supportive and then all of a sudden my safety felt threatened...so do you understand? your apology is accepted, i just wanted you to understand what it felt like.

so i am sorry if anyone felt i was blaming them or pointing fingers or mad or upset or anything else....NO....i was just saying what i feel and putting my feelings out there. my understanding is that this is what this site is here for...so that we can do that. and this was the day that i needed to do just that. i needed to vent and express myself....... so are we cool? you all know that i love and care for each and everyone of you, even if i don't always call you by name or if i forget to respond to each and every post. my mind is forgetful, but my love for you is neverending.

love, diane

February 29, 2012

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO CAROL & RALPH..............MAY YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY,

AND GOD BLESS YOU BOTH.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

February 29, 2012

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February 29, 2012

Happy Anniversary Carol and Mike!