Loss of an Adult Child

February 19, 2012

Husband and I just came home from a nice walk in the muddy forest preserve. Against a bright blue sky, there were many birds in treetops singing but most prevalent were the downy woodpeckers. Trilling and drilling through the sunlit afternoon. Lovely.

February 19, 2012

Maddy and heydaddy,

Thank you for the kind words, my dear friends, but it isn't me. I read in my devotional today that we don't accept God's blessings with a clenched fist, but rather, with open hands. It is with these open hands that we freely share those blessings with others.

I used to tell Chrissy that I sensed something truly big in her future- I just didn't know HOW big until she went home. Now the strongest member of our family is even stronger, and has the ear of the Creator every day! And so it is with us all here.

It's hard not to consider all the good our precious ones have left us with.

Love,

Robyn

February 20, 2012

Lori, feel free to share my letter from God freely. This kind of cracks me up, but sharing it might sound arrogant, and that is not my intention. I sought counseling after Steph died. I went to a Christian counselor who I had gone to before (before Steph's death). I sat on her couch and sobbed, week after week, sorting through all the emotions that come with grief. I would share with her each experience, bit of wisdom or sign that came to me. The birds, the letter, etc. She asked me to put it all in a book. I considered it, and even came on this site to ask if you all thought I had it in me to write a book. I'm too lazy to write a book. Then she asked me write a brochure. I'm too lazy to write a brochure. Then she asked me to at least write a flier about all my experiences through grief. I joked and told her my flier would be short...it would say, "I had a dream" - "a bird landed on my shoulder and then some owls came to see me" - and "I got this damn letter from God". We laughed, but one thing I have always done, is journal...I write everything down. So I just began giving her pages out of my journal and she began passing them out to her other clients who were walking through grief. I find it ironic that the writings of one who struggles so openly with this whole God business could help or comfort someone searching for answers themself. Oh...Lori...I've gained almost 40 pounds since Steph died. Part of me cares, but a bigger part of me doesn't. I'm tired of feeling sick and tired, though. I'm ready to do something about my physical well being and my emotional well being AND, most importantly, my spiritual well being. I guess I'm ready to live again...somehow. Not sure if it'll work or not.
Dee - I'm going to begin walking again today! I actually dreamed about it last night! For years I have been told I need to walk...by psychics and spiritual healers...when I work a holistic fair. "Drink water and walk". Such an easy answer to what ails me. Well, after last night's dream, I've decided to actually do it. I'm kind of excited about it!
Jasmine's cat is quite clingy and needy this morning. Poor thing. he fell in the bathtub yesterday. Jasmine left the water in the tub. I heard the splash and the thump. I thought she fell, so I ran in. She was already dressed and in her bedroom. The only evidence I had that the cat had fell in was the little wet footprints. He was hiding in the laundry room, in shock. Then, later in the afternoon, my son's Akita escaped from their yard and into our yard...she came in through the doggy door. He went straight for the cat. All hell broke lose in our house. She, the akita, never tried to catch the cat....she could have, but she did want to play with him. Peanut was wrapped around Jasmine in a nano second. Shelby, our Golden was just happy to see her friend (the akita). So, all morning, the cat has sat, looking toward the hallway with great anxiety...he is not speaking to Shelby, and he won't wander too far from me. He is so funny! Those are some of the things I can enjoy again. The cat falling into the bathtub and being terrorized by a dog. I guess I do have a warped sense of humor.

Susannah, I'm a firm believer in a warped sense of humor. I don't know about others but it sure keeps my family going. The worst warped sense of humor in our family was Kevin so now when we get a bit out of line (or what most people would think is out of line) with our stories about him, we all know it's o.k. because he's laughing right along with us. Yes, a warped sense of humor is GOOD.

February 20, 2012

Greg - I knew you would not fail me....I waited for your song as I do every year....bless you for the smile you brought to me...

February 20, 2012

Tomorrow will be 8 weeks since my son John Ryan died. Last week was an awful week. On the floor, sick with grief, crying, begging, all that.

Two weeks ago, I had promised some little girls across the street that I would take them to a children's art program, which occurred yesterday. Their mother is single and she has another child, a toddler boy, three years old. She struggles financially ... sometimes I don't think they have food. (Well, I know they don't have food sometimes because I have taken her grocery shopping because I found her in tears sitting on the curb in the dark of night, wondering what she was going to feed her kids.) Anyway, yesterday I had to straighten myself up and take the little girls to the art program. When I approached their front door to get them, their mother came out with the toddler and asked if she could come along. So of course I said yes. We actually had a good time. I had not told this young woman that my son had died, so I filled her in. She sat and cried with me. I think I have a new friend, although my husband (not my son's father) warns me to be careful and not "take them all to raise." He's a nice man, but he's worried about me because I am not acting normal these days.

So I got up this morning and I opened my meditation book and the word for the day was "acceptance," which struck me as fitting. So I sat and meditated on "acceptance" and of course, acceptance of my son's death came floating up. I decided that my theme for the day would be that I will accept that my son died, would accept that he probably died in a time of difficulty and sadness, accept that I had chosen not to go help him or invite him to stay with me the month before he died (because I thought there would always be another time), accept that he's not coming back, and accept that it is pointless to review the details of why and how and when he died, accept the responsibility to move forward.

I had a fairly good day. Taking some advice from this forum, I walked 3 miles and went for a swim and cooked dinner and other mundane tasks.

But tonight, I am sitting here feeling like something is wrong. Why was I able to have a good day when the dearest person in my life has died? I feel sort of dirty for having a good day ... or that I frolicked with those little girls yesterday, like I no longer give a damn that my son died. Like he's slipping away from me.

I feel crazy.

Thanks for listening.

February 20, 2012

johnryansmom - Eight weeks is much too soon to force acceptance. Well, it can't be forced - not when it comes to losing a child. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. It seems guilt is a normal part of the process. It comes and goes. Try to be gentle with yourself. I'm glad you have your husband to guide you with your neighbor. I'm also glad that you're generous. But, be cautious. After Stephanie died I did some pretty nutty things. I brought complete strangers home and fed them. I gave all our savings to charity. I took a young mother who physically resembled Stephanie under my wing...giving her money. Shoot, I even bought her a car! We waited a few months to put the car in her name, because we weren't sure we were going to actually give it to her...but, as soon as I did (give her the car) she left town with her young children. I heard through the grapevine that she was drinking and drugging again. I don't know. Maybe we try to rescue others because we couldn't save our own child? You will hear many sad stories of how we lost our children - well, there is no such thing as a good story of losing a child. But, several of our children were alcoholic/drug addicts who made our lives a living hell. many of us tried tough love. Several on this site have had children take their own lives. Some of the children were just babies when they died....some older, dying to cancer and other illnesses. It doesn't matter how our child died, you are welcome here. You will never have to walk alone again. Grief is a torturous journey. It is a double edged sword - as you discovered yesterday. One good laugh can send you into weeks of despair. Guilt. We all struggle with it.

My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died on 8-9-09 in an ATV accident. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. Stephanie was clean and sober at the time of her death, but had struggled with alcohol, drugs and men since she was very young. I can't tell you how many rehabs she entered and left early. I am grateful that she completed the last rehab, but after her death we found out she was making choices that put her on the same path that always led back to the drugs and booze. There just aren't any answers to the guilt and regret - the what if's that eat us alive.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

February 20, 2012

I've tried to catch up on all the posts that I have missed, but after reading through 5 pages, I have given up for now. I haven't checked in for a while....really longer than I had realized. In the last 2 or 3 weeks, it seems that depression has set in. I no longer have any motivation at all. Drives me crazy as I hate being lazy, but it seems my "give a damn" is set to the "off" position. I do care about all here and y'all cross my mind and heart many times throughout the days and nights, but just haven't felt up to checking in or posting. It appears there are yet more who are new here. My heart aches for each of you as I know too well the struggle you are each facing. For those who don't know me, I am Susan. My beautiful 16 year old daughter, Shannon, was killed in a car accident about a mile from our home.....5 months ago today, the 20th.

Every day, every moment since her passing has been a challenge and a nightmare. At first, I worked myself to the point of exhaustion for a few hours of sleep. Now I have no energy, strength or desire to do anything other than what I must. I think that I am finally slipping into the trenches of this thing called grief. I want to curl up and die....just give up and be left alone with my loneliness, sorrow, and hopelessness. I want to be where Shannon is, and find that I resent being left here in this life that I do not want and did not choose. I try for my other daughter, Ragan. She keeps me here. She is the reason I make any effort at all to move unwillingly into the next moment, the next unwanted day. I am dreading the coming months. My birthday and Mother's Day in May, her birthday and Father's Day in June. A brief relief, and then the dreaded September 20th, then Ragan's birthday the 24th always marred by the fact that we buried her baby sister the day before her birthday. I find that I am still grappling with the reality of her death. I continue to war with this truth, my mind knowing yet my heart always resisting. I look for that silver lining, that divine reason for her death, but I find nothing in my search. I feel betrayed by God, abandoned. I had always considered God to be kind, loving, compassionate and forgiving. Now I view Him as cold, cruel and indifferent. I talk to God daily, yet I find it impossible to pray. All I want, my heart's desire is to have Shannon back with me, and I know that He will not answer that prayer, so why bother? What do I pray for? Peace? Comfort? Strength? Acceptance? I want none of those things. I want to be where she is, or she where I am. I am consumed with Shannon, literally. Seems she is always there just beyond my reach, and I want her in my arms and in my life. I open her bedroom door at night and stare at her bed wishing I could see her small frame bundled beneath the covers....wishing she would raise her sleepy head and ask if everything was okay and then tell me "You can sleep with me tonight, Mommy." Or "I love you, Mommy. Don't forget to pray." I am haunted by memories. Simple memories; like the way she walked, a laugh, a tilt of her head, music drifting from her room and the echo of her sweet voice singing along. I dream of her every time I fall asleep. Sleep seems to be my favorite thing to do, and yet it is so brief. In my dreams, she is there, and I know that she is dead, but I am so happy just to be with her that it doesn't matter. Flashes of memory and a heart and soul that never forgets that she is dead physically. That knowledge never leaves me. It's always there....painfully so. I miss my girl. My entire being longs for her, screams for her, begs for her. It's been that way since she was taken from me, and I imagine it will be this way until I am reunited with her in eternity. How could this have happened? How could I have lost her? How could God be so cruel? Not much use to anyone like this, am I? Sorry about that....maybe I'll be more encouraging another day, but not tonight.

Wishing peace to all.

February 20, 2012

Hello everyone it's been a couple days since I've been on but I hope all is well with everyone. I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) today and I was just wondering if anyone else was diagnosed with this after losing a child?

February 20, 2012

John Ryan' mom,Your description of your acceptance as you meditated really, really helped me. It was all my thoughts, all my self accusations answered for what I needed to do. I appreciate your sharing that so much. Thank you. I too, had a similar experience of helping a girl that had been in Teen Challenge with Rachael. Although, honestly, for me I was afraid to get too close. I was afraid of what could happen.

Love,Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 others also.

February 20, 2012

1329733544' post='84197']
Hello everyone it's been a couple days since I've been on but I hope all is well with everyone. I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) today and I was just wondering if anyone else was diagnosed with this after losing a child?

I hope you are doing OK. I hurt for you so much. I hope you are taking things slowly and taking care of yourself. Love, Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 others also.

February 20, 2012

Johnyryan's mom, i wrote a long post to you about your last post but I was tired so I guess I didn't hit the post button, and now I have no time but suffice it to say that acceptance is not an easy find, meditating on it is a good thing I think, but you will see that it comes in layers, just as grief does and just as shock wears away,, in layers. By the time I was at around 6 months in, my shock had worn away.

As to PTSD, yes I too have been told I have it and had figured it out before the therapist used the initials. Mine came years after Eri died when several of my peer died, and then a young lady who my kids knew and grew up with drowned in Alaska. That tipped me right over that edge. I worked hard to learn ways to deal with it, am much better but it does exist in me.

Susan, hang on even if you wish you did not have to. One day I swear, it will not feel like this. It will not be as acute and searing. Please know this.

February 20, 2012

Hi Susan!! So good to see you back here, and Shannon's beautiful face! I know your struggle, I feel it everyday. This is a picture I created to help describe that feeling, of just beyond my touch. My daughter and I both have been going through the "so ready to die and join him" phase, but as I told her, I wouldn't do anything to bring it any quicker, it's more a matter of just being ready to go, and wanting so much to be with my Jared (JD). I do look for the positive in every day I wake up to this same harsh dark reality, and try to do things, and act in ways that I feel would honor him. I tell Jasmine, almost daily, that I understand how she feels, but that he IS in a better place, and I do believe as others here have described, that it is only a thin veil that separate us from our angels; and that HE can see us, and WOULD NOT want to see us unhappy and miserable. I know Jared understands my loneliness, and my tears when they come, but I also believe that he would somehow feel responsible for overwhelming sadness that would keep us from ever smiling again, or feeling any measure of happiness, so I put one foot in front of the other, and try to do the best I can, not giving up on life, because I don't want my son to feel badly or feel sad. I want him to know that we are ok, and that he can frolic and laugh and play in heaven knowing we will be there one day. God didn't take my child's life, circumstances that none of us could have predicted did, but in that instant, I know God took him home, and I pray for him to watch my baby, and love him unitl we're there too. I don't accept, but rather acknowledge. 20 weeks today.... love you infinity my son.

To all of you, thank you for being here. Your struggles let me know I am not alone.

Silence fills the halls where laughter used to ring,

To only hear his laugh again, I would give anything.

Thoughts of him are in my mind every minute of every day,

Oh how I long to hear his voice, and long to hear him say...

"I love you, mom"…

I know he's up in heaven, but it's still beyond my touch,

To hug him and see him smile are things I miss so much.

To once again look in on him before I go to sleep,

As I would say "goodnight" and plant a kiss upon his cheek...

"I love you, son".

February 20, 2012

It is so heartbreaking to read the stories about losing our children. It hurts so much that I'm inconsolable right now. Drugs and alcohol took him on Jan. 12, and it's so unfair!!!! He tried for so long, from so many institutions to get help, and he was always turned away. Yes, he went thru rehab twice when he was young.... but at the age of 28 it was really getting to him again. We all tried so hard!!!! It sucks!

My Sean was my only son. He has an older sister, Layna, and she of course, is taking this hard as well. He left behind a 5 year old daughter, who lives in a different city than I, so I don't get to see her often, but I keep in touch with her and her mom over the phone. Sean was never married to Heather, but she was a meaningful part of his life. He also left a girlfriend of nearly 5 years in Las Vegas. Sean's dad & I have been divorced for 19 years.

My Beautiful son was loved by everyone. Yes, he had his moments when he was drinking, but he did not deserve to die. He had a smile and a light about him that was not of this world. He was extremely gifted musically. He played classical piano, drums, guitar from the time he was a young child. There are YouTube videos of him out there that are all I have left. All I see now is a vacant piano bench, and unopened guitar case, and drumsticks that want to paradiddle..... I had started a Facebook Memorial Page Group for him and there are about 100 members from around the country that knew him. It's a place for me to keep my sorrow, but then again, I've been told to stop looking at it..... stop bringing back the memories, ....move on with life??? Are you kidding me???? How does that happen!!!!!!!!???? I'm sad and angry and I don't know what to do with the pain. It's been a little over six weeks, and I hurt more now than I ever have before.

The only solace I have is that for 8 months he attended a Bible Mission Training Center and I know he got close to God. During that time, he did not do any drugs or alcohol and he was the happiest I had ever seen him.......But within 6 months of him leaving there, he was dead. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN!!! I think I'm jjustified at being angry with God right now.

My boy........... a Christian Rock song that he wrote in August 2011... shortly after he left the mission. He sings, plays ALL of the instruments, and produced this himself.

http://www.reverbnat...ow/song_9868102

'My boy.......... playing a classical piece that he composed on the piano.......

I don't want the world to forget this amazing young man.................. Attached is the last picture from the last day I ever saw him. Thanksgiving Day.... Nov. 24, 2911 with his beautiful daughter, Rylee.

I'm sorry for being so self-indulgent..... I just need to share this with someone.

February 20, 2012

1329753120' post='84203']
It is so heartbreaking to read the stories about losing our children. It hurts so much that I'm inconsolable right now. Drugs and alcohol took him on Jan. 12, and it's so unfair!!!! He tried for so long, from so many institutions to get help, and he was always turned away. Yes, he went thru rehab twice when he was young.... but at the age of 28 it was really getting to him again. We all tried so hard!!!! It sucks!
My Sean was my only son. He has an older sister, Layna, and she of course, is taking this hard as well. He left behind a 5 year old daughter, who lives in a different city than I, so I don't get to see her often, but I keep in touch with her and her mom over the phone. Sean was never married to Heather, but she was a meaningful part of his life. He also left a girlfriend of nearly 5 years in Las Vegas. Sean's dad & I have been divorced for 19 years.
My Beautiful son was loved by everyone. Yes, he had his moments when he was drinking, but he did not deserve to die. He had a smile and a light about him that was not of this world. He was extremely gifted musically. He played classical piano, drums, guitar from the time he was a young child. There are YouTube videos of him out there that are all I have left. All I see now is a vacant piano bench, and unopened guitar case, and drumsticks that want to paradiddle..... I had started a Facebook Memorial Page Group for him and there are about 100 members from around the country that knew him. It's a place for me to keep my sorrow, but then again, I've been told to stop looking at it..... stop bringing back the memories, ....move on with life??? Are you kidding me???? How does that happen!!!!!!!!???? I'm sad and angry and I don't know what to do with the pain. It's been a little over six weeks, and I hurt more now than I ever have before.
The only solace I have is that for 8 months he attended a Bible Mission Training Center and I know he got close to God. During that time, he did not do any drugs or alcohol and he was the happiest I had ever seen him.......But within 6 months of him leaving there, he was dead. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN!!! I think I'm jjustified at being angry with God right now.
My boy........... a Christian Rock song that he wrote in August 2011... shortly after he left the mission. He sings, plays ALL of the instruments, and produced this himself.
http://www.reverbnat...ow/song_9868102
'My boy.......... playing a classical piece that he composed on the piano.......

I don't want the world to forget this amazing young man.................. Attached is the last picture from the last day I ever saw him. Thanksgiving Day.... Nov. 24, 2911 with his beautiful daughter, Rylee.
I'm sorry for being so self-indulgent..... I just need to share this with someone.

Sean's mom - Linda,I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. My heart aches for you. I am sorry you are knowing this pain that so many of us on this site are familiar with.You are not alone in what you are going through, we all share the same type of loss and pain and are here to comfort you. My 22 yo daughter died 4 1/2 years ago and it was drug related. I am only just beginning to feel like I want to move on. For a very long time it was all I could do to just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. The raw, aching loss you feel now will eventually subside in time. You need to be kind to yourself as you have experienced a terrible shock. Please mourn and grieve for your precious son and do not feel compelled to move forward at this point. It is OK to come here and talk about your son. We will listen and we understand. I watched both of the videos of your son. I was very, very impressed. My daughter Rachael played piano and violin. It is obvious your son was a very gifted and talented musician. The music he composed and played was exceptionally beautiful. Two of my children were musically inclined and I have an idea how hard your son had to have worked to achieve such a level. You must have been a wonderfully supportive mother of his musical talent. What a wonderful gift that you are able to hear your son in his music. One day it will not hurt like it does now. It takes time, for me, it has taken a lot of time. I wasn't even able to come on this site in the beginning. I could not even deal with the reality that my daughter had died. Only recently I have come back to the site and it has helped me to begin to move forward. Finding others who understood what I was going through has aided in my healing.Linda, we are all here for you and so sorry for the loss of you dear son. Please come back frequently to the site and talk to us, we will listen and we care.

Love,Maddy- Rachael's mom and 5 others also.

February 20, 2012

O.K., so here I go again, bad day. I think it's been coming on for a few days but is just now hitting full force. My eyes seem to have sprung a leak and I just can't figure out where to put the patch to make them stop. I miss Kevin and hate to feel the deep sorrow and pain. It hurts so much. Two steps forward, five steps back, does it ever end. My head tells me I should be doing better than I am after 4 1/2 months, but my heart tells me it's ONLY been 4 1/2 months. How can so much time have passed but it still was just yesterday that he left? I just can't imagine what it'll be like years down the line knowing he's not going to be in any of it, just old memories, no new ones. His 29th birthday is coming up March 8th and I have no one to call and say "Happy Birthday" to. It hurts just thinking about it. Still looking for the off switch on this rollercoaster so if anyone see it, let me know, K? Sorry, little crazy today. Thanks for listening. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

February 20, 2012

O.K., so here I go again, bad day. I think it's been coming on for a few days but is just now hitting full force. My eyes seem to have sprung a leak and I just can't figure out where to put the patch to make them stop. I miss Kevin and hate to feel the deep sorrow and pain. It hurts so much. Two steps forward, five steps back, does it ever end. My head tells me I should be doing better than I am after 4 1/2 months, but my heart tells me it's ONLY been 4 1/2 months. How can so much time have passed but it still was just yesterday that he left? I just can't imagine what it'll be like years down the line knowing he's not going to be in any of it, just old memories, no new ones. His 29th birthday is coming up March 8th and I have no one to call and say "Happy Birthday" to. It hurts just thinking about it. Still looking for the off switch on this rollercoaster so if anyone see it, let me know, K? Sorry, little crazy today. Thanks for listening. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

Vivian,

It has ONLY been 4 1/2 months. There are going to be good days and bad days. The only way to soften the bumps is to care for yourself a little when the bad days come. The next day just might be a good one! Birthdays and holidays are always going to make you sad, but they can make you happy, as well. Celebrate them! It is the day a miracle happened in your life- You had him for 28 wonderful years! And he isn't truly gone, and he is will always be just a little beyond your reach. Never forget that he hears you and loves you. I talk to Chrissy every day- some days I cry, some days I sing to her- I can hear her telling me "oh NO Mom! Don't DO that!"

Vivian, I'm glad that we never forget them, even when the memory makes us sad. All we can do from here is to live a life that honors them, and make it through the bad days that we know are going to come.

Love,

Robyn

February 21, 2012

Johnryansmom---I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. With the loss of a beloved

child, it puts us on a long and sad journey. Just knowing that there are others who

share your grief and who will understand all the ups & downs of the rough road, helps

us a lot. I lost my son, David, who was also 31 yrs. old, in 2003. My baby girl died at age 6

months years ago----she died a year before Dave was born, so he never knew her. This

site is a lifeline for so many parents who are grieving. Please come back to BI.

Seansmom-----I'm sorry for your loss of your son Sean. You are right to say that guilt

is a part of grief that few people are able to escape. It can be a tormlent to us. While I

never want to welcome new parents here, I am glad that you have found your way here.

I've been here going on 9 years, and have found so much comfort from the site. I hope

you will come back and read/post when you can. Everyone here understands your

sorrow and grief. Peace to you.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom----Sherry

February 21, 2012

So many new Indigo's, so many heartbreaking stories, so many posts.

I walk each day with Muttley, the one being outside this site that gets that I am forever altered. That despite time moving on there is part of me that is suspended for all time.

I walk through and around the town I live in. Its in the hills surrounded by mountain ranges. Once a beautiful place to be, it too has changed forever.

Back in 2008 (?) I came across a notice asking for 'artists' to paint ceramic tiles that would eventually become part of Labrynith being built on land outside the historic railway station. The studio was at the end of my street. I vaguely remember painting my 'memorial' tiles. The Labryinth is now complete. Its decication now to the 179 lives lost on Black Saturday 2009.

I was there this morning. The walk through is one of contemplation, thoughts of days gone by, empty moments. Then there as you walk past the walls are the tiles I painted. Painted in a cloud of grief. Coloured with tears, hopes that maybe Mike would see them and know he was missed.

There was one I noticed today that I hadn't seen before...thing its poignant for those here.

Blessed be those who grieve, their tears and heartache reflect the deepest love of all.

Mikes Tile

Tile for all the grandies..

February 21, 2012

. “You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

Maddy - Rachael's mom and her 5 siblings also.

February 21, 2012

I went to Williston yesterday for JaBoa's 16th birthday party. How bittersweet... my grandsons came, but my grandaughters couldn't bring themselves to come. It hurt my feelings but I try to respect that they aren't in a place to celebrate JaBoa. We let go 16 balloons, pink and white.. had little cupcakes.. I got to see her baby brother for 4 hours.. first time since October.. I sure miss him.. sure miss life in general.. I want this nightmare over, but it seems to just continue. Maybe after JaBoa's mother's legal problems get over.. I don't know.. maybe never.. I am feeling tired, I guess the short trip just gets harder as I get older and mom gets more frail.

I send you all my thoughts.. and hopes for a stronger time.. may the light of your angels shine upon you and give you piece

February 21, 2012

.

February 21, 2012

I had a Paczki today!!!(pronounced Pounchki)

Anyone know what that is???

Colleen

February 21, 2012

1329839752' post='84230']
I had a Paczki today!!!(pronounced Pounchki)
Anyone know what that is???
Colleen

No, but I do know with my N'Awlins self that today is Mardi Gras!!! All my N'Awlins friends are postin their fun & frolic on Facebook. And I am in Texas :-( .....but that is OK, cause tomorrow I will still be in Texas :-) So just what is a Paczki day??? :-) Maddy

February 21, 2012

A Paczki is a filled Polish dounut.

Yummy

Colleen

February 21, 2012

Leah-When was JaBoa's birthday? I'm sorry if I missed it and glad that you were able to go send the balloons up to your sweet angel. I'm glad you got to see your grandson and hope that he is being well taken care of. I know that it hurts you that he can't be with you, dear Leah and that you have so much on your plate. Hugs to you

Colleen-you got me, no idea. What is it?

Trudi-That Muttley is the cutest thing. I'm glad the weather is nice and you are getting to walk. Loved the pictures of the wall and your special tiles especially.

Sherry-How's your weather? Its getting warmer here, but I don't know if winter is entirely over yet.

Everybody have a good day if you can. Today would have been my friend Susan's son Andrew's 22 birthday. She told me she took off work to go to the cemetery (they have moved to another town) and she was going to try to just take it easy and check on the flowers and all. It is nice weather here, and although she's several hours away, I think they are having a nice day too. This is our third round of birthdays since the boys died, and it is still so very hard. I know you all don't know them, but I wanted to remember Andrew here, where we never forget.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ANDREW!

February 21, 2012

Johnryansmom and Seansmom: I am so very sorry for the loss of your sons, and while I wish that you never had to seek out such a place, I am glad that you have found this site. You will be understood here, comforted here, loved here. We all share your pain, your memories, your joy, your sorrows, and your eventual triumphs as you walk this path of grief. Eventually you will find some healing happening along the way. Sometimes it can be three steps forward and four back, but nonetheless, you have made those three steps forward and nothing can take that away, because when you start forward again, that same knowledge lies within you, and the steps are a little bit easier this time.

Colleen: don't know what a Paczki is, but I remember when we lived in Omaha there were "Runza" shops opening up and boy were they ever good (I am assuming of course, that a Paczki is food, but I guess it could be anything).

Maddy: You are not "such a wordy mess of a person"...your need to write is very well understood here; there is no "rambling," only the pouring out of our very broken hearts, in hopes to find a way to healing. This I wish for you, healing, and times of joyful memories.

As for the journals, Mike went to Costa Rica during high school...he was a senior at the time. He wrote a journal while on his trip, and I had read that before, many times, as it was quite good and very descriptive...I felt as though I had actually seen everything he described, felt his emotions as he experienced the amazement of such a different world from his own. I had actually read this journal many times, while he was still here with us. He had another journal that he kept, that I was a little fearful of reading, but eventually I did, and I am glad that I did because I felt again as though he was right there with me, sharing those moments of his life. He wrote of his growth, his pain, his joys in life. Part of it was written during an "I have to find myself" trip to California, hitching a ride with a friend headed for Las Vegas. On the way, he wrote sometimes of his amazement at the vastness of the land before him when they drove over the mountains and came again into the valleys. The statement we had inscribed on his memorial stone came from that writing. He wrote "...our constantly changing universe, the stars in the endless sky, shooting and spinning and flashing above the mesas and flatlands of Arizona, are perhaps the most beautiful of all the things I've ever seen. At the same time, I realized how enormous and infinite the universe is, I realized how tragically earth-bound I was." (On his memorial stone, we had inscribed "Earth-bound no more.") He finished up that page with "The occasional spatches of national forest land led several large elk to graze by the side of the road and me, like a fool, with my head out the window, the whole time feeling the mild air of the cool night in the desert whip against my skin while I hollered and pointed out the smallest things like a child."

When I read these pages, my heart weeps, still, but over time the feelings of joy filter in as I read the words he wrote while engaged in his growing, and exploring the world. I can understand your hesitance at reading Raechel's journals, but I am glad that you finally did.

Leah: So good to see your precious JaBoa's smile again. I am glad that you were able to attend her birthday celebration party, and glad that you got to spend time with her little brother. I pray that your daughter's legal problems find some resolution soon, and I pray you strength for your daily life, as well.

Trudi: I remember when you did those tiles, thank you for sharing them, and your revisiting of them, with us. I am sure that Mike sees them, and I know that he knows he is missed.

Vivian: I agree, it has ONLY been 4 1/2 months...those who are trying to push you on are mistaken if they think their words are comforting you, or helping you in any way. I pray strength for you, and offer hope, that one day you will indeed feel a bit lighter, be able to enjoy a smile, have a memory rise in your heart that will not reduce you to tears, but that time is not now, likely not soon, and is, of course, different for everyone.

Becky: Thank you for sharing your artwork and your poem. I am glad you are here with us, though of course, so very sorry for the reason.

Susan: I am happy to see your posting, though very sad for your serious depression and pray that the light will soon shine through for you, even if only in little rays. Your postings have been encouraging to me, as I am sure to many, and I have missed them and you. Praying you strength.

Rhonda: Though we don't "know" Andrew, we share your sense of loss of your friend's child, and the pain that your friend experiences. We also send prayers to your friend, Susan, as she lives through this day of many memories. May Andrew surround her with his spirit, loving and comforting her, with perhaps a breeze of love across her face.

I must go now...the "lab" calls for my blood, (coumadin check) and I must answer. Errands to do today, also.

My love to all, and I wish for a joyful moment to embrace your heart today, even if just for a minute or two.

I will come back later to share the Friday night we (yes, hubby actually went, too) had, going with Mike's friend Denis, to see the Star Wars movie that is now out in 3D. Oh, Mike was there with us, no doubt.

February 21, 2012

hi indigos...today is exactly 13 months since we lost our precious nathan. i am having a tough day....just getting up today is not easy. i miss nathan. i miss nathan.

i know this sounds like everyone else on this site. i'm just having one of those days. it feels like every other day. my daughter and grandkids came over yesterday and i was able to have a nice visit and play with the kids. they are precious and i could smile and laugh with them. then they leave and i find myself feeling the guilt again. i know nathan would not want me to feel this way. i know nathan would tell me to go ahead and live my life as before, i know this. i picture him and picture the conversations we would be having...converstaions we have had in the past...the laugh i so miss...the puns, the jokes, the fun facts he just threw out there to make me smile. i miss his voice and i am so afraid i am going to forget it. 13 months is such a short time, yet it feels like yesterday. my heart still aches. my life still feels shattered and i am trying so hard to get it back together again. i try something different everyday. i do get up, i do 'something' everyday, i try to smile about something everyday. i talk to my family everyday. i am working on the healing, but it doesn't come easy.

i still read the posts here and watch the videos and look at the pictures. i am so sorry for the newbies here and feel the pain of your losses. i am so amazed at the beautiful, talented angels we have here. and yet, i know the pain that lies here on this site. i am sorry we have to be here, and i am trying to lift myself up out of my depression and think of my 3 children and 7 grandchildren and wonderful hubby who all need me. i 'said' i am TRYING....at least i am working on it. today i am sad and my heart hurts, tomorrow i may find myself going backwards again....those 3 steps forward and 5 steps backwards still hold true for me as well....this journey will throw me some curve balls and i never know when....i just have to learn to walk the path and learn to duck every now and then. i will find my faith again one of these days and then i will learn to lean on some higher power. until then, i will take the sad days when they come and learn to love the good days when i can. i am trying....i am trying....13 months today. 13 long, hard months of missing my baby boy. 13 short months ago. hard to believe that 13 months can be short and long at the same time and also its hard to be sad and happy at the same time. just some thoughts going through my mind today....i may have different ones in a minute or an hour or tomorrow....have a good day today, my indigo family/friends.......love, diane :unsure:

February 21, 2012

Diane,

I am so sorry you are hurting today. I lived like that for so very, very long. I wanted time to pass quickly and put its soothing balm upon my deep wounds. I felt trapped in my painful emotions. Guilt when I laughed, guilt for not laughing. Pain & guilt, it was neverending. Knowing that I needed to continue on, at least appearing to have it together for my family's sake. Most times wondering who the person was whose body I possessed and roamed around in. I suffered like I did not think was possible. My mind didn't even work right. I did not think I could ever laugh again. Oh, I laughed, but it wasn't real. My deep pain was always there below the surface. But recently some amazing things have happened. My son just today showed me pictures of snapshots on the wall from when they were little. He talked joyfully about it and I laughed. Only I really laughed without pain. I looked at the pictures with warm memories. In the recent past it was too painful to look, I could barely look at pictures. I do not know if this is for keeps, or just for today. But what I do know is my son sensed my joy. That was worth so much to me.

If I can make it to this point, you will too. Hang in there. We are here for you. Often when you have described your pain, I felt like you were describing me. I did not know many things about my grief until coming on this site. I did read a few grief books, but I do not think my mind was working correctly then, for I hardly remember them. But recently, what I am learning from so many at this site, is falling upon fertile soil and I am beginning to heal.

I am so very sorry your precious Nathan is no longer here. I am so very sorry we all have to continue on with this deep aching loss for our children. I know in time it will not hurt as deeply. I know if others here can endure, I can too, and so will you. We will all hold your hand and love you till your pain lessens, and you can smile again. We are here for you today, lovingly holding your hand, helping you to continue on.

Love,Maddy - Rachael's mom and also her 5 awesome siblings.

uote name='sadlady' timestamp='1329849393' post='84238']

hi indigos...today is exactly 13 months since we lost our precious nathan. i am having a tough day....just getting up today is not easy. i miss nathan. i miss nathan.

i know this sounds like everyone else on this site. i'm just having one of those days. it feels like every other day. my daughter and grandkids came over yesterday and i was able to have a nice visit and play with the kids. they are precious and i could smile and laugh with them. then they leave and i find myself feeling the guilt again. i know nathan would not want me to feel this way. i know nathan would tell me to go ahead and live my life as before, i know this. i picture him and picture the conversations we would be having...converstaions we have had in the past...the laugh i so miss...the puns, the jokes, the fun facts he just threw out there to make me smile. i miss his voice and i am so afraid i am going to forget it. 13 months is such a short time, yet it feels like yesterday. my heart still aches. my life still feels shattered and i am trying so hard to get it back together again. i try something different everyday. i do get up, i do 'something' everyday, i try to smile about something everyday. i talk to my family everyday. i am working on the healing, but it doesn't come easy.

i still read the posts here and watch the videos and look at the pictures. i am so sorry for the newbies here and feel the pain of your losses. i am so amazed at the beautiful, talented angels we have here. and yet, i know the pain that lies here on this site. i am sorry we have to be here, and i am trying to lift myself up out of my depression and think of my 3 children and 7 grandchildren and wonderful hubby who all need me. i 'said' i am TRYING....at least i am working on it. today i am sad and my heart hurts, tomorrow i may find myself going backwards again....those 3 steps forward and 5 steps backwards still hold true for me as well....this journey will throw me some curve balls and i never know when....i just have to learn to walk the path and learn to duck every now and then. i will find my faith again one of these days and then i will learn to lean on some higher power. until then, i will take the sad days when they come and learn to love the good days when i can. i am trying....i am trying....13 months today. 13 long, hard months of missing my baby boy. 13 short months ago. hard to believe that 13 months can be short and long at the same time and also its hard to be sad and happy at the same time. just some thoughts going through my mind today....i may have different ones in a minute or an hour or tomorrow....have a good day today, my indigo family/friends.......love, diane :unsure:

February 21, 2012

Today seems like a better day, so far. Thank you all for listening yesterday. I just had a rough week-end and it took alot out of me. I had to tell my 24yr old how Kevin really passed, (he knew most of it but there was info we held back because he has been so emotionally unstable in the past and at this time is in prison) and I knew it would be hard for him to prosses. I'm glad to say he took the news well but my worry for him just made everything worse. I was having a "I just can't go on like this anymore" moment. For now, it's passed and I WILL go on and I WILL make it through this no matter what mountains I have to climb to make it happen, after all, what choise do any of us have? I found enough strenght to help my best friend with her step-son who is suicidal. It was through lots of tears but we came up with a game plan together and I just pray we can make a difference in his time of pain and hurt. Please keep him and his family in prayer. Thanks again to all. Vivian Kevin's Mom

February 21, 2012

Carol said this:three steps forward and four back, but nonetheless, you have made those three steps forward and nothing can take that away, because when you start forward again, that same knowledge lies within you, and the steps are a little bit easier this time.

This is exactly what we have all found in our lives, that you may feel worse when you fall back a few steps, but you are ahead of where you would be had you never taken those steps. Time, as many have heard me over the years say, is the biggest abstraction in this life after tragedy. How indeed does time move at such slow speeds some days, the rewinding of all that brought you here, and yet pass so very quickly that we turn the pages on the calendar. How could it possibly be a new month, then another and another. Even 8.5 years out, time baffles me, how could my Girl be gone for what will be 9 years in July,,,impossible and yet real. I swear sometimes it was just last week. But even with this said, I can promise you as others here have , that it will get better, there will be healing and in my opinion, while changed by it all, our core is very much what it was, we are different in many ways, but the person your Child knows and loves is still right there looking back at you in the mirror. You will always be that beloved parent, nothing takes that from us, not the fast moving train that took myGirl away, not anything can take away our forever connections.

Prayers Kevin's Mom, for your friend's Boy.

Rhonda, prayers for Andrew and his Family, may they feel the love shine into their hearts today and each day.

Trudi, so nice to see those pretty tiles again, love that Muttley posed so patiently in front of your Grandie's tile.

Carol, seems your Son had a great knack for writing like his Mom and his sister. Wonderfully written description of the beauty of the scenery.

Leah, I forgot about JaBoa's birthday, I don't have the cheat sheet anymore and even when I did, I forgot to use it. And so Let me say here that I am glad that you went to the gathering but boy, it does sound like it is a tough ride and with your Mom's health failing, a super draining time on top of the emotions of the birthday. She loves you from every view she has and knows that you love her in the same way, from wherever you are, she knows.

February 21, 2012

I wanted to say that only recently since finding this site, my pain has lessened. I remember it and how debilitating, but it has softened. I am now just beginning to remember pleasurable things of Rachael without feeling the panic and anguish that would rise up. I think many of you encouraged me concerning my guilt and it helped tremendously and I have not woken up in a while now in pain and self blame. I am awake now only because my night owl son woke me up ;-)
I remember last Spring being in a Creative Writing class. The professor said to think of one word about how you felt, just one word. Then who does he call on???? Yes, me. I remember my word was?... excruciating. To my surprise he loved it, I guess cause no one else was whacked like me and would actually tell everyone the truth that they felt like that. As this professor learned more of my background he would encourage me to write about it. He wasn't the first prof who had done that. I would always resist, because of the pain. I was running from it.I guess I say that because some of those memories are what tell me my pain then was very real. I guess since my pain has begun to soften, I am left with the memory of it, the memory of living with that unsettled feeling that something is terribly wrong 24/7.
I am fortunate Rachael had numerous journals she wrote. I know many, actually probably all of you would be so happy with that and would have read them following your child's death. I could not. The reality of her death and her journals I found to be more painful. It does make me wonder....I haven't seen anyone on here behave that way, and then I fear that is because it is true after all that I was not a good mother.
Anyway, I began reading her journals recently. It is the first time since she died that I could do it. I am so grateful now to have them. I am beginning to realize I have changed in so many ways. I even like a lot of the ways I have become now. Kinder, more compassionate, less judgemental, loving and trusting my kids more and making sure they know how much I love them. Always telling my family I love them when they walk out the door and not being so caught up in the moment. Not clinging to this life so desperately. However, I truly wish I could have found some way to have attained these attributes without losing Rachael. These attributes, while highly valued and appreciated, will never, ever, be appreciated by me, in many ways because of the price I have paid to earn them.
Maddy - Rachael's mom and her 5 siblings also.

Maddy,

You are so fortunate to have Rachael's journals. I really wish Chrissy had done something like that. As it is, I only have a set of driving instructions she wrote out for me the day before she left. I can't throw them away. I asked her husband if I could see her Bible- I'm sure she has written things in it that I would love to see, but he can't bring himself to move it (or open it) from the bedside. He doesn't want to move anything of hers and it remains just as she left it in the bed and bathroom upstairs. I don't blame him very much- I can't go in there yet, either.

I just wish I had more of her things.

Robyn

February 21, 2012

Anti depressants and children. What are your views? Dee - I would specifically appreciate your opinion. Three years ago, yesterday, the state removed the kids from Kevin and Tina's home. I spent some time going through their files today. For the first time, ever, I looked at some of the pictures they took of the children on that day...and, read the reports from the doctors and the police. I don't have the same hatred for Tina that I had three years ago, when I found out what she did to my grandchidlren, but my heart is heavy. Mariah has come so far. They've all come so far. However, I've been worried about Mariah for a while now. She's not doing her school work. And, when she does do it, she doesn't turn it in. The teacher and I are working together to resolve this, stressing consequences for Mariah. No TV. No Kindle. No DSi. No phone. Basically...no modern technology, including computer. That has helped some, but I've noticed a sadness envelope my 10 yr old granddaughter and it scares me. Mariah insists she isn't sad. Yesterday, at her counseling appt, we talked about it and Mariah even got mad at me for insinuating she was sad. THAT, I think, is a good sign...but, what do I know? Her counselor wants me to take her to a psychiatrist or psychologist - the one who can prescribe medication. I made the appt, but I'm concerned. All the warnings about antidepressants increasing suicidal tendancies in children, etc.

I called the school principal today and she is totally against anti depressants in children. That was validation enough for me until Mariahs resource room teacher called to schedule her annual IEP mtg and she remarked that Mariah has seemed rather quiet lately. Now, I'm off on a mental tangent (sp?) again. Gary thinks antidepressants would be a good thing. I just don't know.

I want to save my grandchildren but I'm not sure I'm throwing them a life saver or drowning them with a life raft.

Reading everything they went through breaks my heart for them. I regret my daughter's death...but, I regret what her children have been through more. My daughter's death remains the most painful event of my life. But, it isn't the worst thing. The year of not knowing where these children were and the abuse they endured...that was worse. If we would have lost them, that would have been the worst thing. But, the judge was just. He put Tina in prison, took away Kevin's rights and gave them to us. I must say, however, after reading about the sexual abuse and proof I'm shaking my head wondering why the DA dropped the sexual abuse charges and just turned it to felony child abuse. I guess I get it. I mean, even reading the details, it was abuse and torture - not for sexual pleasure. Isn't that weird that THAT'S what constitutes sexual abuse - the perpetrator has to enjoy it?

I know this may be too graphic for some on here, and I apologize for that. I'm just so sad for them...but, I can never be sad enough to make them happy. Only my strength and joy can help them, now. I don't even want to hurt Tina. I hated her with such a deep hatred for so long, and now, after reading what she did - looking at the pictures - all I can do is cry.

Three years.

February 22, 2012

Susannah...from my perspective I feel it is very, very important that you discuss this with your family physician. If you have a good relationship with them they can give you the best advice regarding the meds. If she is becoming distant and quiet... then she is definitely showing signs of real depression. She has been through so much. She needs to feel she can talk openly to a person that is not connected to the family. Perhaps then she will feel able to open up about her true feelings. I hope it all works out for you. I'm definitely keeping you in my prayers.

February 22, 2012

Morning Indigo's

Sus ~ I have to believe that your grandies have been under a counsellor for the abuse they suffered at the hands of others. The behaviours can reflect the difficulty they have in expressing how they feel about events they could never comprehend.

As for being referred to a psychologist/psychiatrist for medicating purposes only not something I would see as an answer. Seeing a child psychologist who specialises in the field of child abuse such as you describe may enable a more productive pathway for your grandies to express themselves. They may also be able to identify behaviours that are reflective of other issues that are part of the changes you see. If there is a suggestion that medication might assist in the short term it should be coupled with ongoing counselling or psychologist visits.

A few months back my eldest grandson frustrated and angry told his parents he just wanted to go be with Micheal. My son rang me worried that Zak (9) was suicidal. My psychologist told us that Zak was frustrated and hurt. While he assured us Zak was striking out wanting to hurt those around him (he knew Mikes death mad his dad sad), Zak also understood that not just old people died. Young people, people he knew could die. Not a normal life event for young ones.

Your grandies have a long road ahead given the type of abuse, the abusers and the death of their mum. Like this journey of grief, you can only take it one step at a time.

You and Gary might benefit from a support network. You have made a great start, being the one constant positive in their lives. But you too need support to work through the nightmare of information you have in regards to the abuse your grandies received.

I wish you strength. Trudi

February 22, 2012

Susannah, having kids take anti-depressants is as individual as each child. I would say that if the therapist, not the school social worker, but a therapist that Mariah has been with for some time mentions it, then consider it but not without knowing how well it would be monitored and that has to with a psychologist I believe, and the therapist and the psychologist work in tandem to make sure of her care. Drugs are never the only answer, therapy needs to be weekly at this point I would think. I also think that Mariah saying she is not sad is something to listen to. I would ask, if you are not sad, why is it that you have lost your drive in school?

The other thing to consider is that she may be getting her period soon, while only 10 years old, it is possible. All a girl needs to be is 80 pounds and the hormones could be changing and preparing. If she is going through an early puberty, the therapist needs to be able to talk to her about this as you will. There is a great man by the name of Barry Brazelton, who is a psychologist and he has many books published, one is "your pre-pubescent daughter". He makes great sense and is very down to earth. There are books written for her age too, that explains what is going on with her body and how it may affect her energy level and her self-esteem. So while anti-depressants are one alternative, there are other things to do first.

February 22, 2012

Trudi and Kate, seems I wrote when you both did and all three of us have said the same thing...funny how that happens. Good to see you both.

February 22, 2012

Carol-----Keeping you & your family in prayers.

Rhonda-----Our weather is a little bit of everything, really, but has been a mild

winter. It's in the mid-40's this week. I imagine it's a bit warmer in Tenn. I

can't wait for more signs of spring. Peace to you, friend.

Leah-----Such a bittersweet little party for dear JaBoa's birthday. I imagine

it's hard to think of her as a teen, but she'll always be your darling girl. You have

so much of a load to bear, and I wish strength and comfort for you.

Trudi----Thanks for the pics of cute little Muttley. Your walks with him must be

very relaxing. Pets have a way of calming us in many ways. I miss my cat, Brownie.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

February 22, 2012

Maddy, My Daughter Vanessa also journaled, I have most but not all of them. Unfortunately, her boyfriend whom she was with for almost two years before her death came into my home durning the memorial/funeral and stole the journals from that period of her life. There are no words to describe how much pain that caused. He hacked her bank accounts, stole all her money and kept all of her things including over $100,000.00 in camera, video equipment. I'm not sure what hurts worse, all of her things or her journals he took. Vanessa had a degree in film production and worked in LA in the film industry. She also owned her own photography studio. He was scum that didn't work and used her for her money. She had broke up with him and was in the process of moving back to florida and was going to open another photography studio. She died three weeks before making it home. She was a hard worker, driven to do her best at everything she did. She didn't do drugs and only drank occasionally on social occasions. She was smart, beautiful and had a heart of Gold.

Anyway, I glanced thru her journals and read a few pages a couple days before her funeral. I'm glad I did because she wrote how much she loved her family and me. She said it was time for her to come home and was looking forward to it. I wish, I had sat down and read the whole thing before he stole them. As for the rest of her journals, I have tried but found it to painful to read them. The first time I picked one up, it opened to a page she wrote after the birth of her sister, my youngest daughter Addie. Vanessa was in on the birth, took pictures and cut the cord. She talked about the experience and "how cool it was to see her sister born" (I had a c-section and she wasn't grossed out) Vanessa fondly wrote how in love with Addie she was and happy she was a girl. She wanted to be a huge part of her life. Especially, helping her through her teen years. But sadly she also wrote she didn't think she would be alive at that time in Addie's life. She went on to explain that she has always had a feeling she would die young. She said she didn't know how or when she would die. But, she didn't see herself making it to watch Addie grow up. I haven't been able to read anything else. I'm sure at some point I will have the strength to read them.... Someday.

I'm sitting here thinking about what Vanessa wrote "Time to come home"...... She said this because she had followed her dreams, traveled and was successful with her career. She had reached the point in her life where she wanted to be closer to her family, find someone to love, settel down, get married and start a family...... She was ready for the next chapter in her life. Little did we know her life as it was, would be the last chapter of her life.

Vanessa had an intuition she would die young. We never spoke about it but, I also had an intuition she would die young. I would actually have visions of her dead in the bathtub years before it happen. I wouldn't allow myself to think those thoughts or entertain the visions. I would vanish them from my thought process and refuse to believe it could ever be a reality. Have any of you experienced this?

February 22, 2012

I'm still here. Just here. I have a pulse, but often wonder how that can be? Remembering my girl and wishing the tears that my heart sheds would well up in my eyes and flow. I wonder if crying will bring any relief at all? Oh well, maybe the tears will flow at some later point in time. I do cry occasionally, but nothing like I would have expected. Seems most of my emotion is bottled up and held somewhere deep within me. Funny how alone I feel with so many around me. A deep sadness has settled over me like a blanket. No tears. No tantrums. Just an emptiness, a sadness. I feel as though I am a zombie.....one of the "living" dead. Shannon would be so displeased with me and so worried for me. I have read that depression is the longest stage of grief. Although I do not care whether or not I ever feel happiness again, I worry that I will do an injustice to Shannon's memory if I stay down in the dumps for too long. I am always wrestling with this. There seems to be guilt either way. I'll feel guilty if I ever do find that "life" has been breathed back into this shell, and I will feel guilty for not finding the strength or will to "live" again. How do I find that balance between moving forward without leaving my child behind? Will I find the way to carry her with me in an honorable fashion.....one that honors her life, her memory, our relationship, our love? Only 5 months, yet these thoughts toy with me like a game of cat and mouse. Too short a time to be worried with these things, I'm sure. Maybe one day I will be surprised that I "feel" something other than this misery? Maybe that will be the day that I see a glimmer of light and hope? Maybe one day it will "just happen"? Maybe all of us newbies should cut ourselves some slack, just give ourselves a break. Be kind to ourselves....I read those words posted to me by many who reached out to welcome me into this unique group. I think I'm beginning to understand their meaning. There's really no need or point in trying to "rush" ourselves from one point in this process to another. It will happen regardless of our efforts or resistance. Each journey, each step is our own. All we experience is necessary....unavoidable, really. It's okay to not be okay. All the negative emotions, all the feelings of being tossed and turned and torn, is natural and normal. This is a very long journey, so why expect so much from ourselves after only a short while on this road? I, for one, have a problem with control. I'm not in control of this. I wasn't able to control the event that lead me to this new life, and I cannot control the grief process....angers me, but it's true. I hate the word acceptance, so I won't say that I accept it, but I will tip my head in acknowledgement of it. It's here. I have no control over it. I acknowledge it, and it's okay.

Prayers for visits from our angels.

February 22, 2012

Intuition? YES. Shannon stated many times that she was the girl who wouldn't live to see 18. She also had a dream the day of her accident. I had an intuition as well. I remember looking at her and thinking, "This may be the last time I see my daughter alive." Like you, I banished it from me. Still I went back to her and hugged her again, telling her that I loved her and to be careful. Shannon said and did many things in the weeks prior to her death that suggest that somewhere within her spirit, she knew. If only I had listened to my intuition....don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that one.

Maddy, My Daughter Vanessa also journaled, I have most but not all of them. Unfortunately, her boyfriend whom she was with for almost two years before her death came into my home durning the memorial/funeral and stole the journals from that period of her life. There are no words to describe how much pain that caused. He hacked her bank accounts, stole all her money and kept all of her things including over $100,000.00 in camera, video equipment. I'm not sure what hurts worse, all of her things or her journals he took. Vanessa had a degree in film production and worked in LA in the film industry. She also owned her own photography studio. He was scum that didn't work and used her for her money. She had broke up with him and was in the process of moving back to florida and was going to open another photography studio. She died three weeks before making it home. She was a hard worker, driven to do her best at everything she did. She didn't do drugs and only drank occasionally on social occasions. She was smart, beautiful and had a heart of Gold.
Anyway, I glanced thru her journals and read a few pages a couple days before her funeral. I'm glad I did because she wrote how much she loved her family and me. She said it was time for her to come home and was looking forward to it. I wish, I had sat down and read the whole thing before he stole them. As for the rest of her journals, I have tried but found it to painful to read them. The first time I picked one up, it opened to a page she wrote after the birth of her sister, my youngest daughter Addie. Vanessa was in on the birth, took pictures and cut the cord. She talked about the experience and "how cool it was to see her sister born" (I had a c-section and she wasn't grossed out) Vanessa fondly wrote how in love with Addie she was and happy she was a girl. She wanted to be a huge part of her life. Especially, helping her through her teen years. But sadly she also wrote she didn't think she would be alive at that time in Addie's life. She went on to explain that she has always had a feeling she would die young. She said she didn't know how or when she would die. But, she didn't see herself making it to watch Addie grow up. I haven't been able to read anything else. I'm sure at some point I will have the strength to read them.... Someday.
I'm sitting here thinking about what Vanessa wrote "Time to come home"...... She said this because she had followed her dreams, traveled and was successful with her career. She had reached the point in her life where she wanted to be closer to her family, find someone to love, settel down, get married and start a family...... She was ready for the next chapter in her life. Little did we know her life as it was, would be the last chapter of her life.
Vanessa had an intuition she would die young. We never spoke about it but, I also had an intuition she would die young. I would actually have visions of her dead in the bathtub years before it happen. I wouldn't allow myself to think those thoughts or entertain the visions. I would vanish them from my thought process and refuse to believe it could ever be a reality. Have any of you experienced this?

February 22, 2012

Trudi, Kate and Dee, Thank you for your responses. I picked the kids up from the Boy's and Girl's Club after I wrote my last post. Mariah was sitting at a table, painting with two of her friends. She looked disappointed because she had just begun painting. I told her I could wait while she finished. I walked around and visited with others. The Boy's and Girl's outreach is at their elementary school so there's several people that I know there. Mariah was standing in the hall getting her coat on when I returned. Her two friends were standing by her. Not so loud that EVERYONE could hear, but loud enough that Mariah and her friend's could hear, I began singing "Mariah - they call the wind Mariah...." dramatically gesturing as I wrapped my arms around Mariah. She was laughing, although she was 10 shades of red. "Grandma, you're embarrassing me!" she laughed. I hugged her and turned to her friends, "This is my very first grandchild ever in the whole wide world and I absolutely adore her - just look at her, she's perfect!" They smiled, but still a little hesitant about the weird, old woman singing to their friend. We all walked out, arm in arm. When we got home, I had Mariah come in the bedroom and I used the only tool I knew - what I'd seen on television. I told her I know she says she isn't sad, but she looks sad and I'm very worried about her. I told her I wanted to know what was going on in her thoughts. I begged her to tell me what she's thinking about or if something has happened. Her expression was defensive, but she said "I just miss my mom." I asked if there was more than that going on, too. She looked at me very suspiciously and said, "I have visions" When I pressed about the visions she just shrugged. I explained what the definition of a vision was - MY definition of a vision...someone who sees things clearly, like watching television, only it's in your head and it's usually about the future. All of a sudden she burst into tears and said, "My visions are about my mommy coming back."

I held her for quite a while as she sobbed. "Those are visions, Honey, they're wishes. I wish that, too." I then asked her to tell me what she "envisions" when she thinks of her mommy coming back. She laid on my lap and I stroked her brow as she cried. She has been happy the rest of the evening.

My gut says this is a combination of grief, abuse issues and hormones. You're absolutely right, Dee! She has been prepubescent for about a year. Last year, when the symptoms began showing, we talked to the school nurse and got the books...perhaps it's time to revisit the information.

The psychologist is a pediatric psychologist. I still very strongly, in my gut, that medication is the wrong course to take for Mariah. However, I still think I'll keep the appt. The counselor referred me to the woman psychologist when I told her Mariah's grades were slipping and I was worried that Mariah was slipping into a depression. I am going to pray and meditate about it, but I really think Mariah needs to do some grieving work. I also think I'd rather take a holistic approach before I took a medicinal approach. Tomorrow I will call my native American energy healer (who happens to be my OB-GYN's RN too) and ask her advice.

Well, I've written two very long posts. Not abnormal for me. The painting Mariah did? A huge, beautiful heart for her mother. I need to be more proactive in their grief work. "Their" being my grandchildren. Releasing balloons is one of their favorite things to do. Coloring, writing etc. I did tell Mariah that I was reading through the medical report of when they were abused and I found the medical records from when she was first born. Everything was in there. There were many times Stephanie really tried to be a good mommy. All the visits to the ER attest to that fact. Every runny nose, every sneeze, every time Mariah had a fever...all there, written by the doctor. And, everytime, the notes say..."this is a healthy, happy baby". or "This is a healthy, happy, curious, little girl." I got to share that with Mariah. They didn't start showing up with bruises until Tina........I still don't feel the hatred for her. THAT, in itself, is a miracle. I'm not inlove with her or wanting to have coffee with her or even wish to be in the same room (or town) that she's in, but I don't feel the hate. Real hatred. That's what I had for her. It's poison...only it was killing me, not Tina.

I also shared with Mariah the time Stephanie called me so excited the first time Mariah pooped in the toilet. Mariah laughed until her belly hurt. Yes....they need their mommy. I'll do my best to keep those memories alive for them.

Thanks for listening!

February 22, 2012

Trudi, Kate and Dee, Thank you for your responses. I picked the kids up from the Boy's and Girl's Club after I wrote my last post. Mariah was sitting at a table, painting with two of her friends. She looked disappointed because she had just begun painting. I told her I could wait while she finished. I walked around and visited with others. The Boy's and Girl's outreach is at their elementary school so there's several people that I know there. Mariah was standing in the hall getting her coat on when I returned. Her two friends were standing by her. Not so loud that EVERYONE could hear, but loud enough that Mariah and her friend's could hear, I began singing "Mariah - they call the wind Mariah...." dramatically gesturing as I wrapped my arms around Mariah. She was laughing, although she was 10 shades of red. "Grandma, you're embarrassing me!" she laughed. I hugged her and turned to her friends, "This is my very first grandchild ever in the whole wide world and I absolutely adore her - just look at her, she's perfect!" They smiled, but still a little hesitant about the weird, old woman singing to their friend. We all walked out, arm in arm. When we got home, I had Mariah come in the bedroom and I used the only tool I knew - what I'd seen on television. I told her I know she says she isn't sad, but she looks sad and I'm very worried about her. I told her I wanted to know what was going on in her thoughts. I begged her to tell me what she's thinking about or if something has happened. Her expression was defensive, but she said "I just miss my mom." I asked if there was more than that going on, too. She looked at me very suspiciously and said, "I have visions" When I pressed about the visions she just shrugged. I explained what the definition of a vision was - MY definition of a vision...someone who sees things clearly, like watching television, only it's in your head and it's usually about the future. All of a sudden she burst into tears and said, "My visions are about my mommy coming back."
I held her for quite a while as she sobbed. "Those are visions, Honey, they're wishes. I wish that, too." I then asked her to tell me what she "envisions" when she thinks of her mommy coming back. She laid on my lap and I stroked her brow as she cried. She has been happy the rest of the evening.
My gut says this is a combination of grief, abuse issues and hormones. You're absolutely right, Dee! She has been prepubescent for about a year. Last year, when the symptoms began showing, we talked to the school nurse and got the books...perhaps it's time to revisit the information.
The psychologist is a pediatric psychologist. I still very strongly, in my gut, that medication is the wrong course to take for Mariah. However, I still think I'll keep the appt. The counselor referred me to the woman psychologist when I told her Mariah's grades were slipping and I was worried that Mariah was slipping into a depression. I am going to pray and meditate about it, but I really think Mariah needs to do some grieving work. I also think I'd rather take a holistic approach before I took a medicinal approach. Tomorrow I will call my native American energy healer (who happens to be my OB-GYN's RN too) and ask her advice.
Well, I've written two very long posts. Not abnormal for me. The painting Mariah did? A huge, beautiful heart for her mother. I need to be more proactive in their grief work. "Their" being my grandchildren. Releasing balloons is one of their favorite things to do. Coloring, writing etc. I did tell Mariah that I was reading through the medical report of when they were abused and I found the medical records from when she was first born. Everything was in there. There were many times Stephanie really tried to be a good mommy. All the visits to the ER attest to that fact. Every runny nose, every sneeze, every time Mariah had a fever...all there, written by the doctor. And, everytime, the notes say..."this is a healthy, happy baby". or "This is a healthy, happy, curious, little girl." I got to share that with Mariah. They didn't start showing up with bruises until Tina........I still don't feel the hatred for her. THAT, in itself, is a miracle. I'm not inlove with her or wanting to have coffee with her or even wish to be in the same room (or town) that she's in, but I don't feel the hate. Real hatred. That's what I had for her. It's poison...only it was killing me, not Tina.
I also shared with Mariah the time Stephanie called me so excited the first time Mariah pooped in the toilet. Mariah laughed until her belly hurt. Yes....they need their mommy. I'll do my best to keep those memories alive for them.
Thanks for listening!

I was smiling as I read your post. I suspect that your singing to your granddaughter is one of those memories she will cherish as she gets older! Listening to her, encouraging her to talk about what she is experiencing are good things. I agree with you- I'm not a fan of medication, either. Might it not dampen her emotions and interfere with her grieving? I don't know...kids and pills just don't compute for me, I guess.

I'm so glad that you get to spend all this time with your grandbabies- I can't help but think it's good for them, and for you, too!

Blessings!

Robyn

February 22, 2012

I'm still here. Just here. I have a pulse, but often wonder how that can be? Remembering my girl and wishing the tears that my heart sheds would well up in my eyes and flow. I wonder if crying will bring any relief at all? Oh well, maybe the tears will flow at some later point in time. I do cry occasionally, but nothing like I would have expected. Seems most of my emotion is bottled up and held somewhere deep within me. Funny how alone I feel with so many around me. A deep sadness has settled over me like a blanket. No tears. No tantrums. Just an emptiness, a sadness. I feel as though I am a zombie.....one of the "living" dead. Shannon would be so displeased with me and so worried for me. I have read that depression is the longest stage of grief. Although I do not care whether or not I ever feel happiness again, I worry that I will do an injustice to Shannon's memory if I stay down in the dumps for too long. I am always wrestling with this. There seems to be guilt either way. I'll feel guilty if I ever do find that "life" has been breathed back into this shell, and I will feel guilty for not finding the strength or will to "live" again. How do I find that balance between moving forward without leaving my child behind? Will I find the way to carry her with me in an honorable fashion.....one that honors her life, her memory, our relationship, our love? Only 5 months, yet these thoughts toy with me like a game of cat and mouse. Too short a time to be worried with these things, I'm sure. Maybe one day I will be surprised that I "feel" something other than this misery? Maybe that will be the day that I see a glimmer of light and hope? Maybe one day it will "just happen"? Maybe all of us newbies should cut ourselves some slack, just give ourselves a break. Be kind to ourselves....I read those words posted to me by many who reached out to welcome me into this unique group. I think I'm beginning to understand their meaning. There's really no need or point in trying to "rush" ourselves from one point in this process to another. It will happen regardless of our efforts or resistance. Each journey, each step is our own. All we experience is necessary....unavoidable, really. It's okay to not be okay. All the negative emotions, all the feelings of being tossed and turned and torn, is natural and normal. This is a very long journey, so why expect so much from ourselves after only a short while on this road? I, for one, have a problem with control. I'm not in control of this. I wasn't able to control the event that lead me to this new life, and I cannot control the grief process....angers me, but it's true. I hate the word acceptance, so I won't say that I accept it, but I will tip my head in acknowledgement of it. It's here. I have no control over it. I acknowledge it, and it's okay.
Prayers for visits from our angels.

Susan,

There is no road map, no template, no wise words to read, that tell us how to stumble through this. Unfortunately, we have to make our way the best we can. You're right- acceptance is the wrong word. Learning to live with what we cannot change is a better way to put it. We can't change what has happened, but we can live our lives in a way that honors our precious ones, and assures that we will be with them again some day. For me, it's God and I know that I couldn't make it through without Him. Chrissy was such a strong Christian and I'm grateful that she left her faith behind for me and the rest of the family. I know without a doubt that she is with Him and He is with me, every minute.

Please know that "moving on" (and I hate that expression- like being herded away from a crime scene by a cop!) doesn't mean that we will ever forget our children, or love them any less. We won't. And we can still find joy again- in our other children, our grandbabies, or just a feeling of joy at God's beautiful creation. Nothing brings Chrissy to mind like a starry night sky for me!

Feelings of guilt go with the territory. We always wonder if there was something we could have done, something we could have said...something...anything. But the truth is, probably not. But I could tell you that all day, and it wouldn't change how you feel. Besides that, no one has the right to tell you how to feel. I will only ask you to be kinder to yourself, remember how much Shannon loved you, how much she STILL loves you, and to try, for just one small moment, to see yourself the way God sees you.

Susan, thanks for bringing back that picture of Shannon- SUCH a pretty girl! She makes me smile whenever I see it.

Love,

Robyn

February 22, 2012

morning to all

Rhonda, JaBoa's birthday was monday, the kids didn't have school on Friday or Monday so I let JaBoa's sister go spend a couple days with her mom. Monday I loaded up and went to get her, spend time with my daghters and celebrate JaBoa. I got to see my grandson, I was really happy, he is such a joy, the child protective services almsot messed me up. I was supposed to have him at noon for four hours and then they told me I couldn't have him until two. That made the day long, they also said I could only have 3 hours but I wasn't nice.. I got the 4 hours.. I hate being played.. my schedule is just as important as anybody elses along with my feelings. There once was a time I would have rolled over and let them have their way. Not sure if it is my getting older, or my attitude since JaBoa's passing. It is so good to see you.. I think of you often.

Sherry.. it is hard to imagine my girl so grown up.. but forever 10. I know you understand.. wish you didn't. I know it is hard for my other grandaughter who is 16, she couldn't come to the party.. I didn't even get to see her until I was about to leave town. She come and held me crying and told me she was sorry. I couldn't stay mad with her.. I know she hasn't come to terms with her best friend being gone.. I think she feels guilty that she is 16, I told her she needs to get strong.. JaBoa is kicking her butt cause she wants to see her friend succeed.

Susan, your in my thoughts. Its a hard road your going on. I think Shannon is pretty proud of her mom, you hold her love and the beautiful life she lived in an amazing hornorable fashion.. You have reached out to so many.. and have helped more than you know. It is ok to fall into sadness.. but may you always hold the hand of that beautiful angel and she will keep your head above water. You have lots to do, but there is no hurry. Remember my friend, your never alone.

Dee, I forget birthdays a lot.. but if we miss a date it is ok.. we are still thinking.. I know your heart is always on the go. I also know your heart is with me and my family your such a good friend.

Carol, I hope all is well with you and Mike.. always sending prayers.

Susannah.. Your such a good grandmother to those kids.. I am so happy they have you.. at least something right happened for those beautiful children of Stephaniies how happy you make her.

I hate to do the antidepressant thing with kids. They made my daghter put Sena the now 9 almost 10 year old on an antidepressant at the age of seven. I was upset because I didn't think she needed them. She was doing much better then than she is now. On the pills (can't remember what one) she barely made it through school.. would fall asleep on the bus and and when she got home. We had to fight to keep her awake so she could eat her evening meal. I fought to get her off them. Now however.. I don't know if that would help her. The no give a care attitude is tough, but even with that, I don't think the pills are the answer. I am more willing to do the counseling thing..

I guess.. time to run, mom woke up.. just wanted you all to know I am thinking of you

February 22, 2012

I was smiling as I read your post. I suspect that your singing to your granddaughter is one of those memories she will cherish as she gets older! Listening to her, encouraging her to talk about what she is experiencing are good things. I agree with you- I'm not a fan of medication, either. Might it not dampen her emotions and interfere with her grieving? I don't know...kids and pills just don't compute for me, I guess.
I'm so glad that you get to spend all this time with your grandbabies- I can't help but think it's good for them, and for you, too!
Blessings!
Robyn

Susannah..I agree with Robyn completely. While I am not a fan of meds for children per se I do know that there are times that they are necessary. I also agree with you in thinking about taking a holistic approach towards this. It is a good idea to discuss it with your doc however first. The fact that she is painting is a great sign. You can see so much of what a person feels through their artwork.

I loved your description of singing to Mariah at school. While she did probably feel a tinge of awkwardness because of her friends...it verified how much you love her. In truth, she was soaking it up! Jeff used to go to the mall with me. We would talk and shoot the breeze. Discuss everything and then once we parked and got out of the car....well, he either walked several feet ahead of me or behind. He had reached an age where it was not cool to be seen with him Mom shopping. There were too many cute girls hanging out and he needed his space. That changed as he aged but I still smile to myself when I remember those years. All good ones.

You do indeed have a lot to work through. But you are doing an excellent job and I am confident that in time with help she will be able to make a full and happy life for herself. Good for you for being such a great Gram!

February 22, 2012

I'm still here. Just here. I have a pulse, but often wonder how that can be? Remembering my girl and wishing the tears that my heart sheds would well up in my eyes and flow. I wonder if crying will bring any relief at all? Oh well, maybe the tears will flow at some later point in time. I do cry occasionally, but nothing like I would have expected. Seems most of my emotion is bottled up and held somewhere deep within me. Funny how alone I feel with so many around me. A deep sadness has settled over me like a blanket. No tears. No tantrums. Just an emptiness, a sadness. I feel as though I am a zombie.....one of the "living" dead. Shannon would be so displeased with me and so worried for me. I have read that depression is the longest stage of grief. Although I do not care whether or not I ever feel happiness again, I worry that I will do an injustice to Shannon's memory if I stay down in the dumps for too long. I am always wrestling with this. There seems to be guilt either way. I'll feel guilty if I ever do find that "life" has been breathed back into this shell, and I will feel guilty for not finding the strength or will to "live" again. How do I find that balance between moving forward without leaving my child behind? Will I find the way to carry her with me in an honorable fashion.....one that honors her life, her memory, our relationship, our love? Only 5 months, yet these thoughts toy with me like a game of cat and mouse. Too short a time to be worried with these things, I'm sure. Maybe one day I will be surprised that I "feel" something other than this misery? Maybe that will be the day that I see a glimmer of light and hope? Maybe one day it will "just happen"? Maybe all of us newbies should cut ourselves some slack, just give ourselves a break. Be kind to ourselves....I read those words posted to me by many who reached out to welcome me into this unique group. I think I'm beginning to understand their meaning. There's really no need or point in trying to "rush" ourselves from one point in this process to another. It will happen regardless of our efforts or resistance. Each journey, each step is our own. All we experience is necessary....unavoidable, really. It's okay to not be okay. All the negative emotions, all the feelings of being tossed and turned and torn, is natural and normal. This is a very long journey, so why expect so much from ourselves after only a short while on this road? I, for one, have a problem with control. I'm not in control of this. I wasn't able to control the event that lead me to this new life, and I cannot control the grief process....angers me, but it's true. I hate the word acceptance, so I won't say that I accept it, but I will tip my head in acknowledgement of it. It's here. I have no control over it. I acknowledge it, and it's okay.
Prayers for visits from our angels.

Susan...I have read your post over several times. It is almost a carbon copy of what I myself could have written a little while back. Perhaps I did. I do know that grief has no set form. We all push our way through this pain in our own way and time. Yes, nobody can tell you how you should feel or go about it. We are all different. For me...after two years I am only now feeling the true loss of losing my son. I feel that I was in shock and denial all of that time. To even allow myself the chance to open up to that reality filled me with too much pain. It was unbearable. Now after all of this time it is still difficult. We try to find a way to carry on our lives as best as we can without them in it. Living is a challenge. We question every day and ask why?Guilt at surviving is an every day burden. Yet we have and we somehow will find the strength and courage to keep putting that foot in front of the other.

.

Our children are not being left behind. How could we do that? They are coming along for the ride. Every step of the way. At some point you will see a ray of light start to shine through into your day. You will take hold and begin to feel a bit more strength. Slowly, you will feel ok in starting to be happy again. But only in a different way. Susan had a great Mom in you. And you will never truly be separated. Take heart. You will see her again one day.

Kate

February 22, 2012

Susan, I want you to know I felt the same way at 5 months into my grieving as you do. Everything you describe is normal. I went through the motions of living while being in a constant turmoil inside. I was in a fog unable to focus on any one thing for to long of a time without my thoughts drifting off to my girls and all the questions in my head. I kept feeling there was something else I should be doing to honor them. My thoughts were very erratic. I was putting pressure on myself to speed things along and to do something, anything, I just didn't know what it was I needed to do. I also didn't cry as much as I thought I should be, I felt guilty for that. When, I did cry it would be at strange or inappropriate times. Like at work, talking to a stranger or standing in line at a store. Once, I was in the drive thru at Dunkin Donuts getting coffee and while trying to place my order I broke down and cried uncontrollably. Vanessa LOVED Dunkin Donuts so the combination of her love for it along with the guilt manifesting within me for being there and getting ready to enjoy it without her there, hit me hard! Believe me the tears will come. Sometimes, when you lease expect it. I didn't understand most of the advice given to me. I would be polite and shake my head in acknowledgment all the while thinking in my head that the advice didn't apply to my situation. I realize now, I wasn't in that part of the grieving process where it applied. Eventually, all the advice clicked in and I understood it.

Now, 1 year 18 days later, reflecting back over this time, I see clearer. I feel more like myself even though my life has been altered forever. I'm still gentle on myself, allowing for time to grieve. Someday's I make all these plans to do things and then I wake up and can't function at all. I'm okay with this. Even though, in the past, I would have beat myself up for not finishing what I set out to do. I've learned to take life one day at a time. I don't plan more then a day or two a head. Mostly because, I don't want to disappoint myself of others.

This is a good place to be...... to find people experiencing and feeling the same way as you are. It makes things more normal in a abnormal situation.

Peace and Love to all.....

February 22, 2012

Susannah, I agree with everyone here on the medication issue. There are so many other things to explore before going that route. It sounds like you had a break through with her last night. I had to send My daughter Addie to play therapy to help her talk about and express her feelings on the loss of her sisters. If your grandchildren are in therapy then you've probably already heard this. Actually, its common sense and things you already do. But I'm going to post these suggestions for anyone with children, in this situation.

The therapist for my daughter Addie said the biggest thing is to get her to open up and talk about the loss of her sisters. He said to take any comment from her even the smallest remark and run with it. He said to take the opportunity to talk about them, reminisce memories and see if there is anything special they would like to do for them. Like write a letter, draw a picture, plant flowers or anything else you can think of. He said to do these things as often as the child wants, regardless of how mundane it becomes for you. The goal is to keep their memories alive in a positive productive way, for as long as the child needs to. We don't want them to keep their feelings inside allowing it to manifest into much deeper rooted problems. Also, take knowledge you know like Stephanie's favorite colors, foods, places to visit, etc., and apply them to Mariah and the other children. For example if Mariah's favorite color is Blue and that was also Stephanie's favorite color then take the opportunity to tell her it was her mothers favorite. Hopefully, she will ask what else did my mom like and that will open the table for discussion. If not, maybe next time. Just keep trying and allow the children to open up, on their own terms. Never push them to talk about things until they are ready. Give them gental reminders and nudges, then let it go until later. It's very important to keep the flow of communication open. Especially, when dealing with children. I know this sounds simple and it's something we already do. But remember, children need verbel reassurance on a consistant basis, more so then us adults.

Becoming a foster parent they teach us many ways to help children through their trauma. If you put yourself into their shoes you will see how hard it must be for them. These are some helpful suggestions to help our children through there losses. Give the children their own space like a corner in their room, a crawl space, a club house outside or any other place they might desire. Let them have this space to grieve their loss. Like us adults who go for walks, crawl in bed to mourn or have an area that we feel most comfortable to grieve. Children need this too. Allow them to hang pictures, put momentos there or place anything else that gives them comfort and security. Don't invade this space unless they invite you or want to share it with you. Show and tell them about things that comfort you and allow them to express what comforts them. Help them find things to use to comfort themselves. This is helpful for you to see when they use these tools to know they need more attention. I had some more I wanted to write but my kidos are needing me right now! So, I have to go.

February 22, 2012

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February 22, 2012

Rhonda-

remembering Andrew. Sending comforting thoughts and prayers to your friend. May her pain soften and she only remember sweet, loving moments in time with her precious Andrew.

Carol -

thank you for your words of comfort, encouragement, and acceptance. For reminding me that it is OK, to continue to write, apparently this site has been a wonderful aid. I have seen the beginning of healing start. I laughed over warm, joyful memories with my son yesterday. This makes me so happy, more for my son, than myself. Mike wrote:At the same time, I realized how enormous and infinite the universe is, I realized how tragically earth-bound I was." All of what he wrote was so beautiful. I read it several times. However, the phrase above was in particularly beautiful. I savor those words. I hope you do not mind that I will be thinking and meditating on them and the truthfulness of them. The universe and its enormity, yet we are "tragically" earthbound? How amazing that you have such wonderful words of comfort which he wrote. That he left you this message. That Mike, as are all our angels, is free to live wonderfully in glory, no longer bound to this body, and to describe it as a tragedy to be bound to Earth sums it all up for us. .....Sigh......

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 more.

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Loss of an Adult Child

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