Loss of an Adult Child

[dwsmithrn]

angela, i am so sorry you are hurting so much....being a grieving mother and a pediatric nurse, HOW COULD SHE BE SO STUPID? i am so sorry for the loss of your precious child. yes, it does hurt, and the layers are just now peeling off ever so slowly. the year is long and the firsts are painful. i am just now going through the first of the seconds and they are no easier than the firsts. i don't know how to walk this journey, so i am of no help. i just know that when i don't visit this site from time to time, and then i come back, i realize why i came in the first place. these are the best people to be with when your heart is heavy with sadness and pain. together we can make it by walking in the footprints of those before us. we can walk this journey with each other and i DO believe this. early on you could not have convinced me of this. the pain was so great and my heart so broken and my life so shattered that i knew i was not going to make it. and on some days, i did not want to make it. i kept coming here and reading and posting, even when i was at my lowest point, and these great, wonderful, caring. loving indigos, got me through it. i am here today because of these people. come when you want to and post what you need to, good or bad, we will listen. there is no judgement, no criticism. it is 'us', this elite club we find ourselves in, but did not ask to be here.

a lady has stopped by our office a couple of times to tell my husband to let me know she had been thinking about me, but she had not called me because she just didn't know how to talk to 'those kinds of people'....so now i am one of 'those' people....WHAT????? this would be another one for the 'book'....

i guess this is why i don't have many friends....i am one of 'those' people.....oh well, so be it....i don't care....i just want to be alone right now. i have you all.....diane

[517958]

Thank you Diane. I feel the same way about this site. I keep coming back, even though I don't often post. I don't know what to say to the other newbies except I feel your pain. I didn't even know pain like this existed until I lost Char. I think it's made me more sensitive to others' pain. Just yesterday I attended a wake for the father of a friend I once knew well but we haven't really seen each other in years. She did come to Char's funeral. Before I lost Char, I probably woudldn't have gone thinking, oh I don't know what to say or she is busy and won't even notice me. I went and she was so happy and thanked me for coming. I cried with her, knowing the pain of loss. I guess that's one way I'm better for this.

Yeah, people have said some pretty dumb stuff to me. My "friend" asked me a few weeks ago how I was doing and when I replied "pretty terrible" she said, "STILL??" Wow. I just keep reminding myself that they don't know what the heck they're talking about and I say a little prayer for them that they will never have to know.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son as well. What a handsome man! I still can't figure out why anyone has to go through a pain that nobody should be forced to endure. I look forward to my reunion day with Char. If it's even half as great as it would be if she walked in the front door right now, it's going to be wonderful!

Hey, I just noticed you're in North Carolina. Charlotte always said she wanted to visit Charlotte and I promised to take her there someday. I never got to take her but when my kids are bigger, I'm going to take them. I think of it often:)

[ericasmom]

To all those newish here, these are Just some great books you may want to view: Paula by Isabele Allende',The Sum of Our Days by Isabele Allende', Name All the Animals, but Alison Smith,

These three are memoir, I read the first one soon after Eri died, and then the book by Alison Smith, and then the second one written 10 years after Paula died. All amazingly good books. THere are so many that I have read and loved, some fiction, some memoir and all them helpful in finding my way. Not everyone can read when in the throes of grief, but I can't sleep unless I know that I have a book to wake up to if I cannot sleep.

[summergirl]

Dear Indigos - took me a coupke of days to get there but I am not so mad anymore...I believe hubby is only trying to do what he thinks would be good for both of us, to get out and be with friends....I know he is trying to be strong for me, to get me through the 6 year Angelversary so I will go with it and let him believe that he is "fixing it"...... I have to say Susannah that you made me laugh when you called my hubby "Monty", that is Lorri's hubby, mine is Barry ! Thank you for making me laugh when I was soooooooooooooooo mad.... Thank you to all of you as you understand this pain of losing a child and realizing that no matter how much time passes the pain remains. I wish I had Dee, Trudi, Susannah, Carol and so many others strength and wisdom....those who never fails to be here no matter what to encourage the new ones, to lead them forward..I feel at times that I have abandoned this site and so many here as I do not come here as I used to, there was a time when I could not breathe if I was not here every day, I needed the strength of those who went before me to help me survive. Then life began to come back to me, this different life I live and I began to stop coming here as often and then even less often....when I did come back I read the posts of the new here and I could not handle their pain, I had no strength or words to help them and it hurt that I could not so I chose to walk away and I am sorry....but I do not forget, never will I forget all here and I will keep stopping by and I hope one day to be able to help the new....

Tavian is at his other grandmothers for the weekend....first time he has been away from us since Thanksgiving and he was actually excited about going....I am glad for the break as tomorrow I will be of no use to anyone....it is the last day I saw my Jessica, the last day I hugged her, the last time she looked at me before going through the door and said "Love you mom, call me in the morning" - All I know is that no matter how many days, weeks, months, years go by the pain remains forever ....Tomorrow I will cry and smile for my Jessica...I will say her name many times out loud, I will look at her pictures, touch her favorite sweater, I will wear her perfume and close my eyes as I inhale the scent, remembering.....remembering.....

I love you all and send you hugs and strength and know that I keep you in my heart always...Kathy, mom of Jessica

[Maddy6]

Looked the books up online and will be getting them. Thank you for the tip. I did not realize that there were books like that.

Maddy - Rachael's & 5 more kiddos mom

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - Oh...so glad I didn't try to kick Monty's ass. I gave it some serious thought...but, if you like BARRY again...so do I. I'm nothing if I'm not loyal!

Being here is still the place I gain the most strength. I still have a very difficult time with the poetry, songs and/or books, though. They throw me into that dark place in an instant - and it is still very hard for me to climb back out. I must say, however, that being on this site and knowing how many different ways one can lose a child has made me a paranoid psycho woman. Fortunately, my warped sense of humor remains intact, and I can laugh at myself and my fears - except for when I dont. Life for everyone around me gets a bit tense when I'm not laughing at my fears.

[shorty16]

Rachael's Mom

What a great question. I can only speak for me, but I tell people Brian died in a car crash, I very rarely go into the car-surfing thing.

The basic reason any kid dies is because their brain or heart stops working. In Brian, his aorta tore from his heart on impact and his heart stopped. Many deaths are caused by "undiagnosed heart ailment." That is a broad-enough term to include Rachael.

I do not know if you want to mention drugs at all, but you could say "Drug Interaction." That again stops the heart or O2 to the brain.

Pray on it. Ask God.

Thank you for asking me, I am honored to provide my knowledge that I have gather kicking and screaming the whole way.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

I have a question for both newbies and those longer on the journey,

Has the death of your child changed how you feel about death in-general? Not just your own death, but the death of those around you?

Just wondering????

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - How nice to see Brian's face first thing this morning! I am not afraid of death for me in any way, shape or form. I am scared to death (no pun intended) of losing one of my surviving children, one of my grandchildren or my husband.

[vivkib]

You know people say some good comes out of the loss of someone we love. I still have a hard time fully wrapping my head around that but to be honest, there have been a few things that I know have come as a direct result of losing Kevin. Kevin's 25yrs old brother is in prison for 15 yrs and has suffered bi-polar and depression for awhile. He was also a cutter in his teens. I was very afraid how he was going to deal with the loss of his oldest brother and didn't want him to relapes. I'm happy to say he didn't. What did happen was one of those "good things". He had decided he didn't believe in God anymore after all the troubles he has had. After Kevin passed he told me he was rethinking his spirituality and wanted to be with his brother again someday. I sent him money for Christmas and he told me he used part of it to buy Christian cd's, that was a huge step for him and I told him how proud that would have made Kevin. Yesterday I made a very hard decision, one I had been putting off for awhile, I had to tell him the real cause of Kevin's passing. He knew it was caused by asphyxiation but I had not told him it was because of AEA and that Kevin had accidentilty hung himself. My son blew me away when the first question he asked was what that meant for Kevin's spirituality, did he go to Heaven. I assured him that yes, Kevin was in Heaven and I could tell it gave him such a peace of mind. All the things that he could have asked me or said and his first and biggest worry was for where Kevin was, I almost broke down in tears knowing that he is still trying to make his way back to God and it's a direct result of the loss of Kevin. Kevin would be so proud and happy to know his brother is getting something positive from such a tragic event. There have been a few other things that have happened also, small but good. So I guess I'd like to say that even though we're all hurting and don't know how any good can come from the loss we feel, keep looking, it maybe something small but it will sneck up on you when you don't expect it. Hugs, prayers, and thoughts with all of you. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[westleysmom]

JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA-Angel of KATHY and BARRY and TAVIAN'S Beloved Mommy, visit them today and let them feel your love that never dies.

Kathy-Holding you close in my thoughts as you cry and mourn your beautiful JESSICA

[westleysmom]

Colleen-my husband and I talked about that just this morning. There is a boy who was hit by a car on Valentine's Day here in town and he is on life support and his parents don't want to take him off because they are hoping for a miracle. I hope they get one too. But we were talking about living wills and whether we would want to be kept alive mechanically, and he said that while he used to think he would, now he wasn't as sure. I'm the same way, I'm not afraid of my own death as much as I was before, but the thought of the deaths of those I love terrifies me.

Kevin's Mom-I'm so glad your other son is doing better, although sorry that he is in prison for so long.

Angela-People can be so insensitive, we never get over losing our beloved children, no matter how long its been. There are many things I wanted Westley to experience and that we never got the chance to see happen. I hope you get to take your kids to Charlotte some day. Hugs

Thinking of you all today and hoping that you feel your angels close by always, as Dee says, just out of sight, but always there

[dwsmithrn]

colleen....yes, this experience with the loss of nathan has completely changed the way i feel about the possibility of losing another child of mine. i am so much more anxious about where my children are, what they are doing, where they are going and when they will return....like they were teens again.....THEY ARE GROWN UPS with families of their own....i am a psycho......i worry about everything now. every phone call must be bad news. my daughter lives here with her firefighter husband and two children. my police officer son and his wife and two children live at the beach 4+ hours away, and the oldest son lives in ft walton beach, fl with his wife and 3 children....he was a paramedic, but now has his own business, www.perfectimprints.com and has an office 5 minutes from his home, but they travel alot and are always on the go with the kids' activities. i worry about them all the time. i am a crazy person now. i don't worry about myself, i know where i am going and on some days just wish it would hurry up so i could see my nathan again. i am not afraid of dying myself, but i am so afraid of losing another child, or my husband. when he is not praticing medicine, he is a weekend lumberjack....yikes....it scares me when he is out with a friend cutting down trees and he thinks it is actually 'fun'....

when nathan went to ireland for a vacation, he brought me back a 'worry stone' and said, now mom, when you start worrying about something, rub this....and he laughed. i still have it and i still rub it. i am ten times the worrier now.....i hate living like this, but i can't help it. could be why my migraines have increased so much in the last year..."YA THINK?"

as far as finding what i have read as 'the gift' after the death of a loved one, i have not found anything like that as of yet. i don't expect to, either. i just find the sadness that burdens my heart and soul. i thought i was a christian, but i have lost so much of that along this path. i prayed to god for some help for nathan a few months before his death (what an ugly word) and my prayers were not answered. i did not find god to be supportive and have not found god to be with me at all. i am struggling to find my way.

oh, i still believe there is a god and i do believe nathan is in heaven, i just don't know why god hates me so much. why the black cloud hangs over my head. i feel i have failed too much to ever find my way back in anyone's good graces again, and i do mean anyone, including god. i let my child down, i let my family down, i let god down. there is no life left for me now. my guilt is all i can live with now.

let me step down now, sorry for that little rant there...i do that sometimes. sorry......love, diane

[dwsmithrn]

jessica, jessica, jessica.....send your mom and dad angel kisses today and let them know that you are thinking of them.

also, sweet little tavian needs to feel your presence this day......send your love his way.......

angel wings fluttering by your family, sweet jessica......

[mikesmomrs]

Beautiful JESSICA, surround your mom and and your precious son, TAvian, with your sweet spirit today..let them know that you are about, always, watching, loving, caring.

Kathy, Barry and Tavian...thinking of you and hold you close in my heart.

[dwsmithrn]

maddy...there was once a time we lived in slidell, la, then moved to the ms gulf coast, then moved to nc. i know n/o pretty well and spent a few mardi gras celebrations there. i can't say as i miss it so much, but the food, oh the food. the house we lived in at the coast, (long beach, ms) was heavily damaged by katrina, but we had sold it by then. we had many, many friends that were wiped out with that storm and it was a sad time for many, just like you. i am sorry you went through so much, especially with rachael.

i met a nice lady who moved here after katrina and i helped her get on her feet and established here. we don't see each other as much now, but still stay in touch. we have the same birthday, so we always call on that day and a few other days during the year. her son lives here too and now her sister has moved here, so she now has family with her. she finished her education and got a job she loves. i am happy for her and she seems to be happy in this new location. she lost everything she had and had to start from scratch. i was glad to help her and did not expect anything in return, but it was her gratefulness just to have made a friend that was worth all of it. she is a very nice lady.

someday, i would like to go back to new orleans and take a look around again. it has been a very long time.

[shorty16]

Rhonda Said: " I'm not afraid of my own death as much as I was before, but the thought of the deaths of those I love terrifies me."

That is exactly how I feel. Also, when I hear of a friend going to a funeral, and I find out the person was over 80, the funeral is more of a Celebration-of-Life then a sad event, to me. But when other children die, my heart sinks and I pray for those parents and the road they must now walk.

Also, I am Beyong Paranoid when it comes to Aaron. Michelle has a good head on her shoulders, but Aaron is a teenage boy - enough said.

I also realize that every moment is a potential memory and I can choose (most of the time) whether that memory is going to be good or bad.

I value others thoughts on this, because mine have changed so much.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

Vivian-Kevin's Mom

I am so happy that your son found his way to God. The question he asked about spirituality was awesome.

My spirituality has also changed after Brian's death, because I want to make sure and see Brian again - I will do whatever I have to hold my boy again!!!

This is a great step forward for Kevin's brother. I have 2 surviving children who are suffering. Each in a different way.

Take care

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[vivkib]

Vivian-Kevin's Mom

I am so happy that your son found his way to God. The question he asked about spirituality was awesome.

My spirituality has also changed after Brian's death, because I want to make sure and see Brian again - I will do whatever I have to hold my boy again!!!

This is a great step forward for Kevin's brother. I have 2 surviving children who are suffering. Each in a different way.

Take care

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

Thank you Colleen. I often say that if my son finding his way back to the road God wants him on is the only thing positive tat comes from Kevin's death, Kevin would think it was all worth it. I'm sure he's dancing with joy right now because of his brothers turn around. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[Guest msnher]

Remembering Jessica! Hugs to you, Kathy (and to Tavian and Barry!)

[ericasmom]

Jessica Sweet Angel- we say your name as it echoes off the hearts and souls of those you love and that love you...

JESSICA,

JESSICA,

JESSICA

Kathy, we hold your hands and hearts in ours, knowing what it takes to walk this path for this long. So many steps, so many tears, and through it all your Daughter says, THANK YOU MOM AND DAD AND TAVIAN for the steps you have taken.

[daveydow1]

JESSICA------JESSICA----SWEET ANGEL IN HEAVEN.......

Maddy------About how to respond when someone asks how your dear daughter died......

I would just say what is comfortable for you to say....and no more. Well-meaning people

can often overstep the bounds of your feelings about what to say, and how much.

Sometimes one question that you answer can lead to further questions, and then it

can become too painful to talk about. Some people's curiosity about these things can

get the best of them, and they can persist with questions. Just give the answer you

wish to give........you don't owe anyone a detailed explanation. That's my feeling on

the subject......for what it's worth.

Diane----I know what you mean about not having grandchildren from dear Nathan. My

son, Dave, was also not married.....and no children. Although I do have other grandies

that I love,........there's always that sad longing there, isn't there?

WISHING PEACE, & COMFORT, TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Diane - I chuckled when you said your husband is a "weekend lumberjack". One of my best friend's husband was my OB-GYN. He spent much of his off time building fence and doing landscaping. He also liked to just build things. She used to get on him about taking care of his hands - he might need them for surgery. Oh...I guess you would have had to have been there...but, it used to crack me up. Cancer took her several years ago. Cancer took him a few years later. Deep sigh. Good people. She was one of the funniest women I knew. She was in her 40's when she died. Another deep sigh. Your post took me back to a fond memory for a moment. They had this HUGE Victorian home on "the" hill. They used to have all kinds of benefits for charity there. But, they were the most down to earth people one could ever hope to meet.

[mysonrich]

ok Jessica, Kathy, Barry and Tavian, so much for a new font.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Susannah, I read your poem "Letter from God" and it really made me think! I read it several times and am in awe over it. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. There is such unbelievable wisdom in your writings. If it's okay wit you, I was wondering if I could post it on my Girls Memorial page on FB?

Colleen, The death of Vanessa and Kailey definitely changed how I feel about dying. I used to fear dying and leaving my children behind. I didn't want them to live their life without their mom. I've always thought if I wasn't here who would take care of them, love and support them the way I would? I still feel that way about my living children. But now, I don't fear death like I once did. However, I'm petrified something bad will happen to another one of my children. I'm ridiculously protective and try to make every moment a good memory. I've never taken my children for granted. But now, I'm even more aware of their feelings and their needs.

Vivian, I too believe that some good comes from bad situations. It helps us to appreciate life and what we have. I'm happy your son has found God, doing well and adjusting to his life without his brother.

Dee, Thank you for the book suggestions! I think you should write a book on understanding, comforting and encouragement for those grieving the loss of a child.

Kathy, I'm so sorry your going through a hard time right now. I don't look forward to the years to come and to be where you and so many others on here are now. I assume as the years go bye that more people forget about are losses and how it still affects us. I'm thinking about you today......

As far as the question on people asking about your children, I too have suffered with this. I have told people different things depending on how I feel at the time being asked and whether or not I will ever talk to this person again. I always say I have 5 children but sometimes without any explanation of their existence. However, I cringe when they ask how old are my children. Especially, if it's someone I will associate with again. It makes me feel obligated to answer them and I instinctively say "Would be 27, 25, Would be 23....etc" I hate when I do this because it opens the conversation up for more questions. So if I catch myself before I say that and if I don't want to get into it, I simply tell them the ages and leave it at that. I also try to avoid "opening up" to new people.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Jessica...

Jessica...

Jessica...

May you comfort and hold the hands of your Parents and Son today and everyday!

[mysonrich]

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, !!..saying your name out loud !!

[shellyku]

JESSICA - SURROUND YOUR MOM, DAD, AND TAVIAN

WITH YOUR SWEET SPIRIT AND LET THEM KNOW THAT

YOU LOVE THEM ALWAYS AS THEY LOVE YOU. My thoughts and

prayers are with you all.

[Maddy6]

,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 others

[ericasmom]

Lori, what a nice thing to say, thanks so much. Maybe one day I will write that book.

As far as those asking about how many kids and their ages, sometimes all you have to do is put your hand up and say I have 5 children, two are in heaven. The hand up lets them know that you would like to not take the discussion any further. Yes, you and I both have one that would be 27 if they were here. Eri was born in April of 1984. 4/4/84.

So yesterday I took my third graders on a bird watching walk so that we could record how many of birds we could see and report it to this wonderful backyard bird count through the Cornell lab of ornithology. I do it every year on my own, and try to include my students as well. So we went around the neighborhood which is urban/surburban and we saw mostly sparrows and wrens, we also saw some others and witnessed two birds building a nest which was nice. I took the kids out at the wrong time however, there would have been so much more bird activity had we gone out earlier so I will have to do this again maybe next week. But today at home I stood still and watched my yard and used my binoculars and boy what a great active morning we had out there. SO I reported my findings from today. If anyone is interested in doing the same thing, I am posting the website. The reports help scientists to know the patterns of migration, to also know the ups and downs of a specific species, and it is nice to be a help to science. And who doesn't love to just sit quietly adn watch the little creatures all around. Early in the morning and again in the later afternoon you should be successful in recording many kinds and high numbers.

http://www.birdsource.org/gbbc//?utm_source=Cornell+Lab+eNews&utm_campaign=74833ccd9d-GBBC_eNewsletter_Feb_15_2012_New2_15_2012&utm_medium=email

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

Susannah, I read your poem "Letter from God" and it really made me think! I read it several times and am in awe over it. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. There is such unbelievable wisdom in your writings. If it's okay wit you, I was wondering if I could post it on my Girls Memorial page on FB?

Colleen, The death of Vanessa and Kailey definitely changed how I feel about dying. I used to fear dying and leaving my children behind. I didn't want them to live their life without their mom. I've always thought if I wasn't here who would take care of them, love and support them the way I would? I still feel that way about my living children. But now, I don't fear death like I once did. However, I'm petrified something bad will happen to another one of my children. I'm ridiculously protective and try to make every moment a good memory. I've never taken my children for granted. But now, I'm even more aware of their feelings and their needs.

Vivian, I too believe that some good comes from bad situations. It helps us to appreciate life and what we have. I'm happy your son has found God, doing well and adjusting to his life without his brother.

Dee, Thank you for the book suggestions! I think you should write a book on understanding, comforting and encouragement for those grieving the loss of a child.

Kathy, I'm so sorry your going through a hard time right now. I don't look forward to the years to come and to be where you and so many others on here are now. I assume as the years go bye that more people forget about are losses and how it still affects us. I'm thinking about you today......

As far as the question on people asking about your children, I too have suffered with this. I have told people different things depending on how I feel at the time being asked and whether or not I will ever talk to this person again. I always say I have 5 children but sometimes without any explanation of their existence. However, I cringe when they ask how old are my children. Especially, if it's someone I will associate with again. It makes me feel obligated to answer them and I instinctively say "Would be 27, 25, Would be 23....etc" I hate when I do this because it opens the conversation up for more questions. So if I catch myself before I say that and if I don't want to get into it, I simply tell them the ages and leave it at that. I also try to avoid "opening up" to new people.

[Maddy6]

1329596365' post='84121']

maddy...there was once a time we lived in slidell, la, then moved to the ms gulf coast, then moved to nc. i know n/o pretty well and spent a few mardi gras celebrations there. i can't say as i miss it so much, but the food, oh the food. the house we lived in at the coast, (long beach, ms) was heavily damaged by katrina, but we had sold it by then. we had many, many friends that were wiped out with that storm and it was a sad time for many, just like you. i am sorry you went through so much, especially with rachael.

i met a nice lady who moved here after katrina and i helped her get on her feet and established here. we don't see each other as much now, but still stay in touch. we have the same birthday, so we always call on that day and a few other days during the year. her son lives here too and now her sister has moved here, so she now has family with her. she finished her education and got a job she loves. i am happy for her and she seems to be happy in this new location. she lost everything she had and had to start from scratch. i was glad to help her and did not expect anything in return, but it was her gratefulness just to have made a friend that was worth all of it. she is a very nice lady.

someday, i would like to go back to new orleans and take a look around again. it has been a very long time.

Diane,Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, it was heartwarming to hear your mention of these familiar areas :-) I am a 6th generation New Orleans native and our family's long history there made the devastation of our city painful. It took many years to even locate friends spread all over the nation, praise God for Facebook. It was instrumental in eventually restoring my memory and locating most of our friends. I sometimes wonder if it hadn't been for Katrina, if things would have been different and Rachael would still be alive. How long did you live in Slidell? Slidell is east of the city, the eastside is always the harder hit part of a hurricane. Thank you for helping that lady. I don't know her, but the manager of our hotel stayed available to help us with decisions etc. the pressure of things happening were at times so great we couldn't think straight. This kind, wonderful women talked with us and helped us to bear the emotional pressure of what we were enduring. In addition she kept the bill manageable, since we were paying it out of our own pocket. I don't know where we would have been without her. I appreciate your telling me :-)

Maddy- Rachael's mom and 5 others.

P.S.- the food.....oh, how I miss the food. I did not realize it then. Took it for granted. The food there has got to be the kind of food that will be served in heaven ;-)

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Jared's urn with a digital photo frame above, (Jared on left and his sister, Jasmine on right) and a shirt we found recently that we just know he would have worn threadbare, as he loved the whole Jamaican theme, and colors, and the symbols of lions and kings.

I don't fear death at all anymore, in fact, I welcome it. I have said that, and people look at me like I am nuts, or have taken leave of my senses, but it is how I feel. I get up everyday, and try to be involved in doing positive things to help me move forward, and to try to help my daughter and my husband, but if the world were to end tomorrow, it would be none too soon for me.

[Maddy6]

There is a tv show on the BIO channel called "I Survived - BEYOND AND BACK." It is near death experiences of people who died and came back. Our whole family is mesmerized by these type of shows. I think we find these stories greatly comforting because the people almost always describe how blissful and how they don't want to come back. I recall one man said he knew it was God because he felt like he had fallen into a river of positive energy. How cool is that? But almost always the people do not want to return.

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 more kiddos mom.

[summergirl]

Thank you my friends for remembering my Jessica today and saying her name out loud......I love you all.... I got through the 6 year date, I do not know how but here I am still breathing .....Oh how I miss her but how blessed I am to have had 26 beautiful years with my girl and to now have the blessing of her son Tavian to bring such joy and love to our lives......I shed many tears today but they do not ease the pain of the loss. Just one more day.....never enough but I would take it if I could.... Love, peace and strength to all....Kathy

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Maddy, I think as far as your question, about not taking care of ourselves is a normal response to grieving. I asked the same question when I first found my way here. We all grieve in different ways but most of us follow similar patterns. Some don't eat and lose a lot of weight while others eat in excess. Most go through a stage of not caring about our appearance or whats healthy and good for us. I believe it falls right in line with not caring if we die or not. Ultimately, it's a form of depression. I myself have gain a lot of weight since my girl's died. I stopped dieting and working out at the gym. I started eating whatever my heart desired and pretty much said screw it, I don't care. I have aged, my hair has turned gray. I feel like I've been beat up and I'm very tired but unable to sleep. I have tried several times in the last year to pick myself up and get on the right track but that's easer said then done. The weight gain and lack of exercise is very hard for me on my Job, which is very physically demanding. I kept telling myself, I would do better once I got through the first year of "first's". I think we all suffer from the IDC syndrome (I Don't Care) at some point in our grieving process.

[ericasmom]

I agree with you Lori, many of us are so shocked by the losses we suffer that we stop doing what we were doing that helped keep us healthy. I came back from Michigan where my Girl died and went right back to walking morning and night because I knew that if I did not , there would be no way I could sit still for 10 minutes, no way that I would sleep, no way that I would be able to feel God and my Angel as clearly if I was not outdoors each morning before the birds.

I have always walked, since I was a little girl I knew that walking was something that made my spirit feel better and as it turns out, that is the number one exercise that helps people cope with stress and anxiety the best. If you find 15 minutes in a day to take a walk, and then add on to that the following week to 20 minutes, you may find yourself feeling better. It shrinks my world down to be out in the open air, helps me find perspective and of course the brain releases endorphins which allow you to feel better. Feeling better is something that many don't think that they can do or want to do and some feel guilty finding ways to feel better. But let's think about it now...your Child would want you to find ways to live your best life. They love you forever, they want you to live your best life and carry their light with you while you do.

I continue to walk, daily sometimes three times a day. I used to power walk, but these old hips were reacting to 25 years of it so I have taken the speed down a notch and just walk fast. I have some of my best communication with Eri while out on walks.

Peace one day-may everyone sleep deeply

[johnryansmom]

I lost my 31-year-old son 7 weeks ago. Accidental overdose of bipolar meds, alcohol and a painkiller. The toxicology levels were medium-level in his blood stream, but the combination stopped his heart and he was alone so he died. I am drowning in regret and guilt because my son and I had not been on the best of terms in the few months before he died, and I was sort of cold to him, upset about him not handling his life responsibly, etc. Now I see that he was hurting ... the medical examiner said he was likely self-medicating (he said he sees a lot of that with young people who have mental health issues). He needed me to be there for him, but I wasn't. I know that regret and guilt are part of grief but this is like a panic attack that will not end. My son was a sweet person, very generous and good to people, and he was good to me, too. I miss him so much and I keep seeing him in my mind's eye, and that's what causes me to fall apart. So I try not to think about him by keeping busy, but you have to stop moving at some point in the day and suddenly, there it all is. Reality. He's not coming back. Thanks for listening.

[robyn]

Jared's urn with a digital photo frame above, (Jared on left and his sister, Jasmine on right) and a shirt we found recently that we just know he would have worn threadbare, as he loved the whole Jamaican theme, and colors, and the symbols of lions and kings.

I don't fear death at all anymore, in fact, I welcome it. I have said that, and people look at me like I am nuts, or have taken leave of my senses, but it is how I feel. I get up everyday, and try to be involved in doing positive things to help me move forward, and to try to help my daughter and my husband, but if the world were to end tomorrow, it would be none too soon for me.

Becky,

I love your memorial to Jared. I have one for Chrissy, too. I always have her favorite candle burning. She loved Yankee candle's "Balsam and Cedar".

I feel as you do. Although I had accepted the idea that I could be going home when I was diagnosed with cancer, I am REALLY good with it now. I don't discuss it much with my family- they get pretty angry, so I just don't mention it. I want to help my other kids and my husband, but I am SO ready!

Robyn

[robyn]

I lost my 31-year-old son 7 weeks ago. Accidental overdose of bipolar meds, alcohol and a painkiller. The toxicology levels were medium-level in his blood stream, but the combination stopped his heart and he was alone so he died. I am drowning in regret and guilt because my son and I had not been on the best of terms in the few months before he died, and I was sort of cold to him, upset about him not handling his life responsibly, etc. Now I see that he was hurting ... the medical examiner said he was likely self-medicating (he said he sees a lot of that with young people who have mental health issues). He needed me to be there for him, but I wasn't. I know that regret and guilt are part of grief but this is like a panic attack that will not end. My son was a sweet person, very generous and good to people, and he was good to me, too. I miss him so much and I keep seeing him in my mind's eye, and that's what causes me to fall apart. So I try not to think about him by keeping busy, but you have to stop moving at some point in the day and suddenly, there it all is. Reality. He's not coming back. Thanks for listening.

Dear one,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Tomorrow marks three months since my daughter went home, so I can understand what you are feeling. Please know that guilt and regret are something we all have felt, but the truth is, we parents are limited in what we can force our grown children to do. We try to be there, but we miss things, don't say what we should have said. What are the chances he would have said (like any of my three would do!) "I'm fine mom. I got it. It's all good"? How often, like any parent breathing, do we have those times when we are a bit ticked off because our kids aren't doing what we think they should be doing? The problem is, we can't see the future. We spend THEIR whole lives dreaming the best for them, but sometimes it doesn't work the way we wish it would.

The reality is, they aren't coming back. That's true. But the OTHER reality is, they aren't really gone, they are only a breath away. They hear every word we say to them, They love us and want us to be ok. And we WILL be with them again. I know this as surely as the sun coming up tomorrow.

This site was a lifesaver for me. Everyone here is as kind as any group could be. They always listen and truly care. Every one of us has faced the worst thing any person can face, and it is the one group where you can come and talk about your son, post his pictures, and work out your pain.

Love and prayers to you.

Robyn

[robyn]

I agree with you Lori, many of us are so shocked by the losses we suffer that we stop doing what we were doing that helped keep us healthy. I came back from Michigan where my Girl died and went right back to walking morning and night because I knew that if I did not , there would be no way I could sit still for 10 minutes, no way that I would sleep, no way that I would be able to feel God and my Angel as clearly if I was not outdoors each morning before the birds.

I have always walked, since I was a little girl I knew that walking was something that made my spirit feel better and as it turns out, that is the number one exercise that helps people cope with stress and anxiety the best. If you find 15 minutes in a day to take a walk, and then add on to that the following week to 20 minutes, you may find yourself feeling better. It shrinks my world down to be out in the open air, helps me find perspective and of course the brain releases endorphins which allow you to feel better. Feeling better is something that many don't think that they can do or want to do and some feel guilty finding ways to feel better. But let's think about it now...your Child would want you to find ways to live your best life. They love you forever, they want you to live your best life and carry their light with you while you do.

I continue to walk, daily sometimes three times a day. I used to power walk, but these old hips were reacting to 25 years of it so I have taken the speed down a notch and just walk fast. I have some of my best communication with Eri while out on walks.

Peace one day-may everyone sleep deeply

Dee,

I smiled when reading your post. Husband has decided we need a treadmill. I sort of laughed off the idea at first, but you make a good point- exercise DOES help. Perhaps it's time I was a bit more supportive of the idea

Robyn

[rlolheiser]

I didn't get online yesterday but want you to know Kathy that you are in my heart.. I think of you, Jessica, and Tavian.. I know she is with you always and I hope that yesterday you felt even closer.. how proud of you she is for the love you give her boy, and the love you give her. Your a great mom and grandmother may you find strength for all your journeys in life.

[Guest msnher]

Lori, feel free to share my letter from God freely. This kind of cracks me up, but sharing it might sound arrogant, and that is not my intention. I sought counseling after Steph died. I went to a Christian counselor who I had gone to before (before Steph's death). I sat on her couch and sobbed, week after week, sorting through all the emotions that come with grief. I would share with her each experience, bit of wisdom or sign that came to me. The birds, the letter, etc. She asked me to put it all in a book. I considered it, and even came on this site to ask if you all thought I had it in me to write a book. I'm too lazy to write a book. Then she asked me write a brochure. I'm too lazy to write a brochure. Then she asked me to at least write a flier about all my experiences through grief. I joked and told her my flier would be short...it would say, "I had a dream" - "a bird landed on my shoulder and then some owls came to see me" - and "I got this damn letter from God". We laughed, but one thing I have always done, is journal...I write everything down. So I just began giving her pages out of my journal and she began passing them out to her other clients who were walking through grief. I find it ironic that the writings of one who struggles so openly with this whole God business could help or comfort someone searching for answers themself. Oh...Lori...I've gained almost 40 pounds since Steph died. Part of me cares, but a bigger part of me doesn't. I'm tired of feeling sick and tired, though. I'm ready to do something about my physical well being and my emotional well being AND, most importantly, my spiritual well being. I guess I'm ready to live again...somehow. Not sure if it'll work or not.

Dee - I'm going to begin walking again today! I actually dreamed about it last night! For years I have been told I need to walk...by psychics and spiritual healers...when I work a holistic fair. "Drink water and walk". Such an easy answer to what ails me. Well, after last night's dream, I've decided to actually do it. I'm kind of excited about it!

Jasmine's cat is quite clingy and needy this morning. Poor thing. he fell in the bathtub yesterday. Jasmine left the water in the tub. I heard the splash and the thump. I thought she fell, so I ran in. She was already dressed and in her bedroom. The only evidence I had that the cat had fell in was the little wet footprints. He was hiding in the laundry room, in shock. Then, later in the afternoon, my son's Akita escaped from their yard and into our yard...she came in through the doggy door. He went straight for the cat. All hell broke lose in our house. She, the akita, never tried to catch the cat....she could have, but she did want to play with him. Peanut was wrapped around Jasmine in a nano second. Shelby, our Golden was just happy to see her friend (the akita). So, all morning, the cat has sat, looking toward the hallway with great anxiety...he is not speaking to Shelby, and he won't wander too far from me. He is so funny! Those are some of the things I can enjoy again. The cat falling into the bathtub and being terrorized by a dog. I guess I do have a warped sense of humor.

[shellyku]

johnryansmom - I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. This site is a safe place

where you can tell us of your boy, your feelings, your fears because we are walking this

road with you...the hardest journey to be on. Prayers to you.

I was interested to read how some of you feel you haven't been taking care of yourselves.

It is so true of where I'm at right now. As Dee mentioned, walking is one of the best ways

we can fire up the endorphines. I used to walk faithfully and I never felt better. Since Sarah

got sick, there was never any time and certainly since she passed I haven't had the desire.

Just this morning over coffee, however, my husband and I were hatching a plan to start

a walking regimen. Besides that, I have neglected my dental health, eye health, and plain

overall health. It's something I have to force myself to address. Once again, Dee is right...

our angels would want us to be healthy and enjoy this life!

I pray for each and every Indigo today a bit of sunshine to break into what is often a dark day

on this journey we walk. A wisp of our angels would be nice too! Prayers to all, Shelly

[ericasmom]

Well good, everyone go out and walk, even if only for 10 minutes, then later on today do another 10 minutes, and if you can, 30 minutes total is a great goal and so very helpful for all of our parts, especially our spirits. When I was little and lived fairly frightened each day as Dad was/is a molester, my walks would return a sense of goodness to my life, a sense that the world was big and that I fit in it right where i was and that one day, my walks will take me farther away. Anyhow, walking is good for everyone. A friend of mine, who lost her 19 year old Son a year adn a half before I lost my 19 year old Daughter and I wanted to start a grief group and we thought that it should be a walking grief group entitled "walking through grief". We never did do it, though it is never too late as you know, because there are always those in need of belonging to a group that addresses their ache as we do here.

Johnny's Mom, bless you as you find ways to cope and mourn. I am so sorry that you have this sadness, but we are here to hold your hands.

Shelly, I hope that you take a great walk today and feel the wisp of your Angel as you do.

[shorty16]

Jessica

Jessica

Jessica

Kathy, Thinking of you yesterday and always as we sing Jessica's name.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Kenn]

Hey Maddy,

Depression can be a horrible thing, taking our care away. The battle against depression is on going for a lot of us. Over the years, you and I have lost a great deal that would bring depression to any normal person. Self talk and the knowledge that this is a normal part of life helps me accept all the sadness that tries to pull me down. It also has a lot to do with whether or not we can forgive ourselves for not being perfect. Since I know that anyone going through the same stress would have a battle of depression over so much loss, I can accept it a lot easier for some reason. It means I'm normal, not that much different from anyone else. Our circumstances in life have been different, but when enough pressure is piled on us we all get pulled down into that dark world of depression. Its up to us to pull ourselves out of it. I don't always handle the stress that I have been through in the best way, but I forgive myself for that. I'm normal, and I know other people wouldn't handle it too well either if they walked a mile in my shoes.

Some days I feel like I have so much to offer, and the next I feel like I have no business sharing anything with anybody. That is the battle with depression that all of us who suffer such great trauma have to go through. Our highs and lows threaten to destroy us, but the knowledge that we are normal can help to keep us strong. We can pick ourselves up and reach out from our broken hearts to help our loved ones, because they need us. This big old universe really doesn't revolve around me. I forgive myself for forgetting that sometimes.

I love all the ideas I have about how good it is going to be for us in the life that follows this. My experiences in life have piled up giving me my ideas about things like that. Some of my experiences include the all the stories I've heard over the years of after death experiences, even the experience of my own daughter. She had a lot to tell, but yes I think her excitement could be wrapped up in the fact that she thought we all become a part of that positive energy, and she didn't want to come back. Her experience was good, and I think it disappointed her that I didn't have the same excitement that she had. My ideas about religion are so different that I know I don't fit anywhere. However I'll tell you the truth, I couldn't believe any more than I do now that what we believe isn't anything even close to how good it is really going to be.

I hope you and your family are having a good day my friend.

There is a tv show on the BIO channel called "I Survived - BEYOND AND BACK." It is near death experiences of people who died and came back. Our whole family is mesmerized by these type of shows. I think we find these stories greatly comforting because the people almost always describe how blissful and how they don't want to come back. I recall one man said he knew it was God because he felt like he had fallen into a river of positive energy. How cool is that? But almost always the people do not want to return.

Since part of me Rachael is in eternity, I am not afraid of death, I also welcome it. Although, for the sake of my children I am trying to change that mindset.

I also used to take care of myself. It is really terrible now. I don't hardly care about what I look like. Does anyone else have that problem? I guess that is a part of depression. But clearly, I have gained a LOT of weight and I don't even care.

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 more kiddos mom.

[briansdad]

Thank you my friends for remembering my Jessica today and saying her name out loud......I love you all.... I got through the 6 year date, I do not know how but here I am still breathing .....Oh how I miss her but how blessed I am to have had 26 beautiful years with my girl and to now have the blessing of her son Tavian to bring such joy and love to our lives......I shed many tears today but they do not ease the pain of the loss. Just one more day.....never enough but I would take it if I could.... Love, peace and strength to all....Kathy

Kathy... here you go. As I do every year.

[Kenn]

Robyn your posts are always uplifting and I get a blessing reading what you have to say. Thank you for being so kind. I hope you and your family are having a wonderful day.

I loved your post. "Strong" is definately a matter of perception and place, isn't it? When I am with my family, I try the hardest to keep a "game" face, afraid that if I show the slightest sadness, that everyone will fall apart and the little ones will be frightened (they still don't really understand). Everyone else just acts like life goes on, no matter what.

Speaking for myself, I don't mind humor, even a little bit. Chrissy loved being a goofball sometimes, and those are the memories that still make me smile.

I know that our kids are in a place where they can see all of God's plan, and I know they approve. It is left to us to "surrender and trust". I can promise you, I am doing the best I can in this. We will be in that place, too, someday. For right now, I am leaning on God for whatever strength I need, and would be lost without that.

Robyn

2 months, 9 days

[Maddy6]

Heydaddy, Logged on this afternoon to get those book names suggested so I could order them and was presently surprised to see your post :-) Yes, I agree about Robyn. I think perhaps she is really a heavenly angel in cyberspace :-). Every time I read Robyn's posts I feel as if I have been touched by a piece of heaven. Her peace, kindness, and compassion stand in such stark contrast to the nightmare that has taken place in my head. She has truly been used by God to aid in my healing, and for her, I thank God.

Actually, I used to be a gym rat before Hurricane Katrina and avidly worked out. I know physical fitness is a combatant to depression and while I was in the hotel I went into the gym immediately. I discovered that no matter how hard I tried that the pressure and stress zapped me and I was unable to work out. In the past I had always dealt with difficulties through my gym workouts. The Katrina thing was difficult and I was slowly getting back in the gym when Rachael died. Since then I have unsuccessfully tried to get back in the routine. Somehow, the drive and ambition to be physically fit are counteracted by a mind frame that doesn't care. Ya think? :-) When I tell people in New Orleans how much weight I have gained they do not even believe me because I was always a bean pole my entire life. The person I was no longer exists .........not physically, spiritually, or emotionally.

However, since I have recently been improving, with much credit for that given to so many of you wonderful Indigo people............I will commit to trying to go back in the gym this week. My husband and I and our son's used to work out together, Rachael used to work out with her brothers etc. Like I said, it used to be a family thing for us. My husband and 2 son's still workout and I know it would mean a lot to them if I were to get back in the gym. For those of you who pray, I would really appreciate prayer for me for this. I am going to try to make myself as I know this will help. I can sense things are improving and I know this is one more piece to the puzzle.

I appreciate all of you more than you can ever realize,

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 other kiddos also.