Loss of an Adult Child

[Maddy6]

1329399048' post='84018']

Colleen - I must be seeing things. A few minutes ago I hit reply and I thought a post from you appeared. I went back to try to read it before replying and there isn't a post. Did you post? Are you okay?

Kathy - I don't even know what to say. Part of me wants to defend Monty and the other part wants to kick his ass. Last year it was me who didn't put the dots together as Steph's date approached. Gary was supposed to be out of town but was hesitant to leave me during Steph's angelversary. When he reminded me what day it was, I felt so guilty for forgetting. I forgot for just a second, but who forgets THAT day? Obviously, me and Monty. I wouldn't have been as gracious with Gary, had he forgotten. He was kind to me...I fell apart when I realized I had forgotten. How's BJ these days?

Amani's mommy - unfortunately, there is no blueprint for grieving. Grief calls the shots. The best advice that was given to me was to not allow anyone to tell me how to grieve and/or how long to grieve. One of the things that has helped me immensely is coming here and talking, talking, talking. Tell us as much as you can about your little baby. Is Amani a boy or a girl? Did you have a funeral? Was there a baby's room ready? Do you have any support around you. Talk to us, new friend. Just talk.

For the newer people, this may not be necessary, but I feel the need to explain a little. Before the site name was changed from Beyond Indigo to Grieving.com; there were a few core members who stayed active on the site to help guide the way for those of us newer to the journey. Occasionally, a new member would join.....because the site was hard to find, membership didn't grow rapidly, so when a new member joined all were able to rally around him or her to offer support and encouragement. Since the name change, however, we get new members very quickly. Because they arrive so fast and in such high numbers, it is difficult to keep up with newer names, including your child's names. Still walking the path of grief, ourselves, some of the newer people (and even the older member's posts) get lost in the shuffle. Like Dee expressed, I am glad you are supporting each other and keep coming back. I say this because another mother on a different thread didn't feel supported and left quickly with her feelings hurt.

With this many people, from different walks of life, it is reasonable to assume once in a while someone will get their feelings hurt. However, I don't believe we hurt each other intentionally. Not here.

If you don't feel acknowledged, please just keep posting. I understand this forum isn't the answer to everyone's grief, but it was the answer for mine. Having so many join at one time can be a bit overwhelming...not because we don't want newer members - well, considering the reason someone joins this group we don't want newer members. Rather, we wish you didn't have reason to be here. Understanding the path of grief, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Having said that, all are welcome here. Please forgive the older members who seem to know so much about one another. We want to know you, too.

It helps to attach a picture of your child in the left column of your posts (avatar). It is also helpful to list your child's name and dates under the avatar. I like knowing their birthdate and angel date. It helps me remember how old they were and/or how old they would have been. Another thing that helped me a lot, especially in the beginning, is to sign your posts with your name, slash, your child's name. When there's so much to remember, it helps those of us with fewer brain cells to connect the dots.

Thanks!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Susannah,Thank you for explaining all of that. You addressed a few things I didn't understand. I would worry after posting about offending others. Also, Dee, thanks for your encouragement to support others. I was beginning to realize that it helps. Then I worry that I could offend,or not express compassion the way many of you do. But I am learning from people like you :-)Susannah, would it possibly help if what you just explained were posted permanently somewhere for newbies?Thanks,Maddy:-)

[Maddy6]

1329399825' post='84022']

Jd's mom/Becky- Thank you and it feels like the emptiness gets worse as the days go by.

After the shock wears off, I remember the pain did get worse. Also Amani's mommy, be aware that for you, although your loss was in May, there are definite hormonal changes you are dealing with after a baby. Take care of yourself as you have endured tremendous loss. We want to hear everything. It is okay to grieve here.Love,Maddy

[Kenn]

Hey Amani's mommie,

I am so sorry for your loss, and I do know how you feel. The bond that you feel for your baby is real, and losing someone you love that much is traumatizing. My daughter died in July, and I had the same experience you describe. The guilt that I couldn't save her was killing me. It took me a while to remind myself that I'm not God, and if I had known what to do I would have done it. You didn't slip down those stairs on purpose, and I pray that you stop beating yourself up for having an accident. Grieving the loss of your darling baby is hard enough, you don't need an extra load of guilt that you don't deserve. It's been almost six months now and I have been able to smile again. Time is a great healer, and we have to give ourselves some time to grieve through our pain. You shouldn't feel guilty for grieving over the death of your child, I think the pain is much the same for all of us who lose someone we love so dearly.

May God bless you and comfort you. I pray that you have a good day today.

On May 23, 2011 when I was 9 months pregnant and 3 cm dilated I slipped down the stairs and when I got to the hospital the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. I'm having a lot trouble dealing with the lost of my first born and I don't know what to do or who to talk. I don't really like opening up to anyone because they don't know how I feel. I need help because the pain from the loss is getting worse. I can't help to fell like I'm to blame. I feel like I failed as a mother because I couldn't protect her. Every night I dream of her and I just wish I could wake up and see her face one more time. Any suggestions on how to grieve?

[Guest msnher]

Becky - Although I have a high opinion of myslef (sarcasm) I am not the spokesperson for this site. We have site moderators....Konnie and Ken (?). Usually, when we get a new member, there is enough time for everyone to welcome them (although we had the reason they're here) personally. Usually, there is enough time to let them know these things. However, THIS time around it seems like we got about a dozen new members in one shot. I certainly couldn't keep up. And, dealing with the ups and downs of my own grief, I finally quite trying. I wouldn't have made it without the patience, love and help of people like Carol, Dee, Sherry, Betty, Betsy, Leah, Colleen, Greg, Dan, Kathy, Lorri - and there were a few more who no longer post here. The onslaught of new members intensified their own grief and sorrow, which is understandable. Claudia, Marcia, Sue, Deneace, Amy, Beth, (shoot - I know I'll miss someone important. I hate it when that happens because they all helped me so much!) The people who came right after me helped because they spoke of the sorrow and pain I had just experienced...it told me there was hope for a better tomorrow. Rhonda, Karen, Diane, Crystal (Tyler's mom) and Crystal (Ashlee's mom). There's been a lot more people who have touched my life who only stayed for a short time. Their names escape me right now, but they are in my heart always!

Dee may have already told the newer members....back when I couldn't keep up...but, she usually tells you to make sure you drink lots of water because all the tears dehydrates you (common sense, but I didn't know it). Eat something healthy, even in small amounts every day. I think she suggested taking vitamins. Which, was just a little TOO healthy for my taste. I did buy them though - they still sit unopened in the cabinet. Rest whenever possible. Dee gets outside, in nature a lot.....I quit doing anything outside except for smoking and staring at the sky. Occasionally I'd hold a small stone in my hand. A reminder that I couldn't make one but there was someone/something out there that could...helped my faith - hugging a tree helped me, too. Just because I couldn't make a tree. When the obstacle is so large that we can't see around it, it helps to find something smaller to hold onto. WOW! That was wise, if I say so myself!

The most important thing is to be gentle with yourselves. For me, and many others on this site (you're one of them, Becky) writing helped. Still helps. We have some very talented writers here.

I think the most helpful thing I did was write, talk and write...right here. Often the tears ran so fast I couldn't see the screen...but, I just typed my feelings out. I fought them through on the keyboard.

The love and wisdom herein is beyond comparison to anywhere "out there".

Much love!

Susannah/STephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, ( a color lying between blue and violet, beyond indigo, beyond blue, blue also meaning sad and/or beyond the indigo of the night sky; heaven perhaps.)

Beyond indigo has been a life-line for many. I will continue to refer to this site as beyond indigo. During my time here,and that of many others, we have moved onward, past shocking,sickening, mind numbing grief to a place beyond that grief. To healing. Always missing. Always second guessing,always the guilt and “what if”...unwarranted,but we love our children. We will always be heartbroken and may at times backslide into a dark place. We may sit in that dark place for a spell for its our very soul that is crushed. Our spirit sinking to a familiar depth and in that deep,dark place many times we emerge with a new understanding and the strength to take another step in healing. I believe it is a necessary step, forward or backward, in understanding . And if no understanding is reached, our sisterhood and brotherhood here, to guide,listen, encourage and when asked, offer suggestion. Never judgement. Who are we to judge anther's despair? Critique? In the beginning, during my first and 2^nd year here the last thing I wanted was a critique. None was given. Go in kindness and compassion as we learn from each other here.

Dee, thinking of you and missing your presence here.

Carol and Mike, always in my prayers.

Trudi, thinking of you as our summer approaches.

Karen:Shawn's mom, a worry frown due to not hearing from you. I hope you are “ok”.

Leah, during my January hibernation, ( aforementioned, a necessary action taken upon myself in sorting,thinking, missing my son , grasping at times and waking to February ready to continue) i have read much about the oil boom in ND. The towns, the very ones you have mentioned. I see now where JaBoa lived and died and feel i have a picture of her and you in my mind.

Betty, sometimes I think I feel spring in the air. Of course it snows the following day.

Becky, i read the awful comments left on the TV news web page. I am so sorry you had to see them. I also feel for the families in my area that endure the same treatment in our local papers. I don't understand how people dare to write such things in the face of tragedy. I do know that some of the larger publications have a “flag” button which alerts editors to offensive comments. Maybe your TV station can add such a button. Free speech, yeah i know, but some respect and assistance for you and others , US, is needed when our defenses are on a low reserve or just plain empty.

Colleen, I took a short quiz yesterday. Given my answers and preferences I was advised of the best spot for me to live. (I'm thinking of my old weary bones) Wisconsin was mentioned a couple of times. It looks beautiful there but I'll go with Virginia. Its closer to the ocean!

Jessica's mom thinking of you.

Lori, I understand.

Nothing new here Indigo's. Work,sleep,work. I hope to enjoy this coming week-end. Time to get out and about before cabin fever sets in.

I wish you all well. In understanding,love and peace.

my son. blue eyes. as is my font.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Well said Betsy and Susannah. This is a powerful site that has saved my sanity and life. I too hold each one fondly in my heart but have a difficult time keeping up with the new members.

I must add that I find the new format of copying each others posts and then responding very difficult to follow. I get so confused in the process that I give up. I know since I lost Stephen I must keep it all very simple I am sorry I cannot give more

Betsy I love Blue Eyes as well. Another thing Rich and Stephen had in common

Sherry I saw so many robinss out yesterday I really felt Spring was right around the corner Time for planting your flowers and veggies Bet the apple pie tasted fine.

Dee Your wisdom and compassion has sustained me when all else failed Thanks

Carol and Ralph In my thoughts

Rhonda I, like Sherry understood how you could not touch that pie in the freezer. In my thoughts

Leah praying for a positive outcome with your daughter

Be well Indigos

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Oh, my! In regard to my post to Amani's Mommy, I didn't mean she didn't have support from here! She mentioned that she had no family support or any from anyone around her.... Sorry if my comment was taken out of context. I would never criticize this site, as it has meant the world to me!

Becky - Although I have a high opinion of myslef (sarcasm) I am not the spokesperson for this site. We have site moderators....Konnie and Ken (?). Usually, when we get a new member, there is enough time for everyone to welcome them (although we had the reason they're here) personally. Usually, there is enough time to let them know these things. However, THIS time around it seems like we got about a dozen new members in one shot. I certainly couldn't keep up. And, dealing with the ups and downs of my own grief, I finally quite trying. I wouldn't have made it without the patience, love and help of people like Carol, Dee, Sherry, Betty, Betsy, Leah, Colleen, Greg, Dan, Kathy, Lorri - and there were a few more who no longer post here. The onslaught of new members intensified their own grief and sorrow, which is understandable. Claudia, Marcia, Sue, Deneace, Amy, Beth, (shoot - I know I'll miss someone important. I hate it when that happens because they all helped me so much!) The people who came right after me helped because they spoke of the sorrow and pain I had just experienced...it told me there was hope for a better tomorrow. Rhonda, Karen, Diane, Crystal (Tyler's mom) and Crystal (Ashlee's mom). There's been a lot more people who have touched my life who only stayed for a short time. Their names escape me right now, but they are in my heart always!

Much love!

Susannah/STephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

Not sure how long I will be here, mom just got up, I think she waits til I try to get on here. I am sure it is just coincidence.. I think.. I don't know, she only knows demanding these days and I sometimes have problems with it. I have to remind myself that she isn't where she wants to be either. Her social worker asked me if I was interested in respite care, I kinda was until she dropped the bomb that they didn't have anybody. I could bring her to town, but by that time I might as well just stay here and do what I have been doing.

I wanted to add my 2 cents here, I too am happy to have found Beyond Indigo.. You have all been so much a help in my life. I know I don't get on here as often as I would like, just to busy. For the new people here, I lost my grandaughter JaBoa 5 1/2 years ago, her birthday is monday, she would have been 16. She was the light of my life, I had 6 other grandchildren at the time of her death but was always amazed at the strength in that little 10 year old girl. She was wise past her time, she was loving, she was amazing, but she always carried a shadow of fortelling that she would not live past age 11.

Her mom had her when she was a senior in highschool. She was the product of rape and had no father, that is how we became so close. I used to laugh with her mom and say I was the father, I was there for her birth and so much of her life. I remarried in 2001, so I didn't get to see her as much as I would like, I lived 130 miles from her, and treasured our visits. In 2003 I adopted her brother, a child that wasn't my daughters husbands.. I included her in this little boy's life, I told her I didn't care what the world said, my little boy was her brother, or her uncle, whatever she was comfortable with. I 2002 I ended up the care giver of 4 of my other grandchildren because of a drug bust of my two daughters. I took care of the kids, which made my contact with JaBoa harder to do.. I brought her to me any weekend I could..Until the fatal weekend in 2006 when on the way back my daughter had a tragic wreck, and my JaBoa became God's. My mother became unable to care for herself, I became her fulltime caregiver.

There has been so many things that I have gone through.. and this site got me through all of them. I even contemplated going back to drinking as I used to drink in excess. I have made it through losing the friendship of people that I thought would be here for me in life, but weren't.. The one thing that is constant is this site.

The people.. older members.. newer members.. has made me not alone. Don't get me wrong, I am so sorry anybody has to be here, but the people here have been amazing. God knows I would probably be in a bottle.. or divorced again.. or worse. People don't even know what they have done for me.. just the fact of sharing.. the fact that I have gotten to know you.. know your angels.. know my little girl isn't alone in a cold world.. I say what I want.. I yell what I want.. I am not the parent of JaBoa but not once have I felt I was not welcome.

Ok.. on I go

Betty, thank you.. I too hope my daughter comes out of this ok, Sena needs her mom.. she needs a life back.

Betsy, thank you.. The boom has been tough on ND.. people have shown some very terrible attitudes and greed. Small town USA.. has become a frightening place to live. When I used to drive by the accident scene, where I placed flowers I no longer dare slow down because of the drivers.. there are so many accidents on the road.. and so many people have lost their lives throughout the whole drive anymore.. It frightens me to go home to Williston, but my girls are still there, the grandkids and my brother. Also my JaBoa..

Susannah, I understand what you say about the people we have met here on this site.. God knows I have taken your words to my heart more than once

Amani's mommy.. my heart goes out to you.. such a terrible loss.. take your right to feel it, you have gone through a lot, and it doesn't stop overnight, you love her and that doesn't stop, I hope you find strength throught the upcoming days

Kathy, hugs.. I too still lose it.. when least expected.. and like I told my husband.. I won't apologize anymore. I miss JaBoa.. and if you don't like it.. ohwell.

Sherry.. it is so good to see you too..

Rhonda.. I think about you lots..

Dee.. I know Sena is probably suffering the guilt of survival, but I like to think she was right too.. not real practical.. but a really nice thought.. I feel so bad for her, her studies are falling badly this year, she started out good but dropped to Ds and Fs on her last report card, and then she started good again.. but now yesterday the teacher sent me a not because it is back to ds and fs and a don't care attitude. That is how she is here too. I take priviledges away from her but she doesn't care. The other day she yelled at me.. I would rather listen to my mom yell at me than you!.. my heart breaks for her.. I would rather her mom be in charge too.. and my yelling.. is talking unlike her mom who has a terrible habit of screaming.. maybe that is what I need.. it is what she is used to.. I am just lost..

well.. this is long... sorry.. took advantage of not crashing...

Wishing you all a beautiful day full of your angels

[westleysmom]

Betty and Sherry-Thanks for helping me not feel so crazy about the pie. Its just one of those things that he always enjoyed and I would save it for when he would be sure to be there to get a big piece of it. I don't have so much trouble at the grocery store like I did at first, but some things will always be triggers like somebody was saying earlier.

Kathy-Dear friend, I'm so sorry that the grief that you've worked so hard to endure has been so hard this anniversary. I'm sure your husband didn't mean to make it worse. I am not so far along as you without my child, but it seems like no matter how long it has been, there will be times when it seems that it just happened. My thoughts are with you as Saturday approaches.

Amani's Mom-I'm so sorry for your loss and the guilt that you feel. That is something that I still struggle with. It is the nature of mothers to want to protect our children, no matter how young or old. Without support from your family, I can't imagine how hard it has been. Somebody said on here a few days ago that we can be your family and hold your heart gently, as it is broken. You have found the best family in the world to help you through this.

Betsy-So good to see your blue-eyed wonder (my husband used to call Westley "little boy blue" when he was younger and teased him by calling him that later, it still brings me to tears when I think of it, or see that nursery rhyme in my granddaughter's books) I hope Sarah is well and that the weight of January is off your shoulders for another year. I know it never goes away completely, but January completely undoes me, and I'm not sorry when it is over each year. It used to be only happy, but now there is so much sadness associated with it, that the happiness is hard to feel. Hugs

Leah-Just saw your post and wanted to say hi. It is always so nice to see JaBoa's pretty smile.

Think of you all every day and hold you in my heart, even when I can't think of words to say.

[Guest msnher]

Becky - "Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?" I had to go back and read your response to Amani's mom. Sweet mother of JD, you said nothing wrong. My response, our responses, aren't directed AT you....they are meant to be words of encouragement and support for this site, for the older members and for the newer members. You are doing okay...on this site. No need to worry.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

This is just a post to say Hello and I hope you are all able find a reason to smile today.

My reason to smile is a group of us (3) just completed an internal audit of the Receiving, Receiving Inspection, and Stockroom systems and there were not issues.

We looked really hard and everyone is following the processes.

That is a good day.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

We just got back from student lead conferences at school. It is quite interesting how different each child is. Jonathon, who is above average in everything - and received wonderful praise from his teacher, was all about "getting it done and over with". Jasmine was so excited, so nervous, that I had to gently lay my hand on hers and tell her not to try to tell us everything all at once - that we wouldn't leave before we had seen everything. I heard her teacher laugh when I calmed Jasmine down, telling her to take a deep breath and relax. Mariah is still struggling, yet I am impressed with her confidence in her presentation. Did I tell you, she has a solo and a duet in the school music concert this month (she plays the flute). Mariah has been missing her mother more lately. We are watching her closely for signs of depression. She began counseling again. She's only 10 and her hormones are already all over the place, plus this month marks the third year since they were removed from the hell they were living in. Academically speaking, both girls are below their class mates, but have progressed significantly. With everything they've been through, I get it.

Well....that's about all from me for today.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to my Indigo family...I have not much time as we have to leave soon for a doctor's appt for hubby...something simple this time---a podiatrist's appt! We just got back home yesterday from a very very taxing six day stay at the hospital with him, and we kind of just walked in the door and collapsed onto our chairs, leaving them later only to find our way into our bed. I have slept on the couch in his hospital room all during his stay, and the hospital bed he was in was one of the "moving" ones that inflate over and over again in response to your body movement, so he didn't get much sleep. Needless to say, we were both very happy to fall onto our tempurpedic mattress and sleep like logs.

I have read over the posts to try to catch up, and it would be impossible right now for me to address all that I wish to, as we do have to leave soon. However, I would like to try, and hopefully without appearing to be a "know it all," an issue that keeps popping up, and rightly so that it does. We have had a lot of new people come to this site recently, and it is sometimes very hard to keep all the names straight and to remember each other and each other's child's name. In the "big picture" as my grandkids like to say, that is not an issue of itself...we are here, supporting each other, and the rest will come in time. However, I do have a suggestion. A while back, I changed my profile that is listed at the side of my posts. I went into my "profile" and changed the info that lists Mike's angel date (that appears beside my posts) to read his birth date and angel date. I also think that as a huge help to all of us, we could maybe sign off our posts with our name, and our child's name, (as some already do), i.e., I would sign "Carol, Mike's mom" This would at least give each of us a quick reference, because with our screen names sometimes it is difficult to remember the parent/child names and connect them. Also, I do think the signing of our name and our child's name at the end of each post (many of us already do this) would go a long way towards helping all of us to remember. Many of us have said over time to new people here to not worry about remembering everyone's name, that it would come eventually. And previously that was correct and eventually would happen. But now there are many more of us here, and that is tragic because of the WHY we are here, but also GOOD because those of us who find this site are gifted with the finding of somewhere we can go where everyone understands our pain and is willing and ready to help us live with it and through it. But, the learning each other's names and child's name takes a little longer and can be confusing, so I think that if we could sign off with our name and our child's name, we could see it right away. And this is something that can be put into our signature. Right now, my signature reads "Mom, you can't die because I do." I am going to change that to include my name and Mike's name.

The other thing is I have seen some have mentioned how terribly confusing it is when a post is copied and pasted into a new posting. I too have found this to be confusing. And I know that it is difficult when we are trying to address someone's particular post, to try to remember what we want to say without that post right in front of us, and it can be tough going back and forth to reread the one we want to address. So, in the past, some of us have quoted one line or so from a previous post, and this has kept things a little simpler. I have found that if I want to remember something to address and need to see the whole post, I can insert it into my reply, refer to it as I am replying, and then delete that insert before I place my post. I hope so much that these suggestions are seen for what they are; an attempt on my part at helping to make things go a little smoother.

I am afraid that some of you who are newer to this site may wonder who I am, as I have not been posting as much lately as I have posted in the past. A little background: My son, Mike, died of brain cancer, on October 14, 2006. I started posting here shortly thereafter and have posted ever since, with, as many have said, believing truly and knowing deep in my soul, that this site and all of those who are here have saved my life, my sanity and my hope in the future. However, last November, my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and the weeks since have been frantic with his doctor's appointments, tests, hospitalizations, and raditation and chemo treatments. This is all in preparation for, hopefully, his undergoing surgery for removal of the tumor. And so I have been very much preoccupied and not here as often as I wish I could have been. My husband has been in and out of the hospital four times in those months because of complications, and each time he is there, I stay with him, 24/7. Thankfully, he completed his first round of chemo and radiation just yesterday, and we are now waiting for an appointment with his surgeon and ocologist to plan the future treatment. Of course, this whole time, there have been many setbacks for me, as I deal with this demon called cancer once again. My son was treated at the same treatment center, and there have been many days when I didn't know if I could even walk in the door. and some days when I did that I wish I hadn't because of the triggers there that would put me back to square one, remembering our son's treatment. But, each trip was a step forward; progress, if you will, and with prayers and hope we have made it this far.

So, as I said, I do hope that I am not seen as a "know it all" by making these suggestions. I hope I haven't added to the confusion..sometimes I type fast and, always, I type too much...brevity has never been my strongsuit!

Got to go now, will come back tonight and "speak" to you all on a more personal level, as in sending my heart to you, my prayers to you, and my support.

love to all, Carol, mike's mom

(there is another "mike's mom" here, TRUDI, but she is "mike's mum". Her Mike and mine were the same age when they left this earth, and similar in so many other ways and we truly believe our angels led us here to find each other...as we all believe that all of our angels have led us here, where we find the support we need on this path.)

[Guest msnher]

Trudi - I neglected to put in Trudi's name. Goodness, gracious - she has been a Godsend, too! Thanks, Carol.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

lol, ok, I am a bit sensitive today, still smarting from the ignorance of posters on that blog where the broadcast regarding Jared and the speed limit on our road. I just saw "Becky",on your post, and then the comments about the length of time to respond to a new person, and I thought you meant I was upset with this forum for not supporting Amani's mom! I will be ok. Love you, Susannah! You are my hero, coming to my rescue on that blog!!

I do have some news that to me seems good.... I called Maryland's Dept of Trans. and was directed to a county office that controls the same road that is our road as it extends across state lines into MD. I live right on the Maryland/Delaware line. Maryland said if this were their road, they would reduce it to 30mph! They went further to say that they would reduce the limit on this road as it cross into MD, to 40mph to make the transition smoother, if only DelDot would agree to lower it on the Delaware side, as requested to 35mph!!! Turns out, the man in charge of the road on the Maryland side had a best friend killed in a similar circumstance years ago, and remembers the struggle that that teen's mother and his own mother, went through to get their speed reduced! Wow! He was like 5 down the line from the calls I made this morning, and I don't know if it will help, but it sure can't hurt!! He will email me tomorrow with his proposal and info on their road and set limits, and then I can forward that to DelDot.

Sigh......

Becky - "Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?" I had to go back and read your response to Amani's mom. Sweet mother of JD, you said nothing wrong. My response, our responses, aren't directed AT you....they are meant to be words of encouragement and support for this site, for the older members and for the newer members. You are doing okay...on this site. No need to worry.

[ericasmom]

Oh I only have a minute but want to say that Leah, survival guilt in no way takes the thought of an angel coming to take your Sena out of harms way, I think both have happened, she was spared and we don't know why, but she was, and she is struggling with the fact that she was. Why did the angel scoop her up and place her safely? I believe.

Love to all,

dee

[shellyku]

Good Afternoon all "Indigos" - As Susannah said earlier, this site was formerly known as Beyond Indigo.

Even though the name has changed, I believe "Indigo" is a beautiful name for the folks who come here.

I have been reading every day and want to respond, but I'm not so eloquent with the written word as the

likes of Dee, Susannah, Trudi, Carol and so many others.

With that in mind, let me attempt to extend my heartfelt sympathies and prayers to those of you new to this

site. (Might I mention that my memory is no better than my writing skills!) To: JD's Mom, Maddy, Kenn, Robyn,

Jilly's Mom, Amani's Mom, Lilly's Mom and anyone that I've forgotten who's new: the reason you are here is

that you've lost your child, the most horrendous thing to happen to a parent. We walk this road together and

that we have this place to do that is a blessing.

I joined this site while searching frantically in books, online, or asking other people for answers to how the

hell am I supposed to live without my daughter? How does one go on? How can this be possible? The

people that I met here were telling me that it is possible, hard but possible.

A quick background for those who do not know me. My 29 year old daughter Sarah was diagnosed

September 24, 2009 with leukemia. She battled the disease for 11 months, during which time she got

married to her sweetheart in her hospital room, but relapsed before she could get her stem cell transplant.

They just could not get the disease under control, and she died August 18, 2010 at Jefferson University

Hospital in Philadelphia. My world shattered that day and I know that I will never be the same.

I would like to apologize to those of you who have recently had an angelversary or a birthday of your child's

that I failed to comment on. My heart is with all of you, old and new, each day as we walk this road together.

I pray for peace and comfort, a smile, a memory of our sweet angels for each and every one of you.

Shelly

[dwsmithrn]

hi my indigo family....i am so sorry for all the new faces/names i see here. i am also sorry i have been under that dark cloud that seems to follow me around and have not been able to be here as often as i would like to be. i miss all of you and want to find the energy and the words of wisdom to meet and greet our newbies. it is so hard to see all of you and know your pain and heartache coming here. despite the fact that we all belong to the same club that we never asked to belong to, we are here, and here together is where we find ourselves. this is a great site to be, now that we are here. these are the most loving, caring, giving, compassionte people i have come into contact with and i would not be here today without them. i think they would attest to that.

i realized that this valentine's day was the second one i faced without nathan. sending all my kids and grandkids a card, i went to find one for nathan, and left the store in tears, knowing that once again, there would be no card for nathan. how can my heart just keep on breaking day after day after day? i think one day i will just wake up and feel better, then something just tears at my heart and soul once again. i don't know how to live this life.

i have been seeing my daughter and her children more and more and trying to find happiness on that note. the children are adorable and i do love them, but then i go home and feel sad all over again. it can't make that little bit of happiness just stay long enough to erase the heartache i feel for losing nathan. is this a normal feeling? is there something really wrong with me?

i finally got my thumbprint necklace and i love it....right there at the bottom of the pendant. it is so perfect.

jim and i went to counseling today and that went well. if anyone is thinking about going, it is well worth it, if you can find someone that you fit well with. it has helped us. when you feel good and ready to go. i think we waited a few months before we went, but we are still going and we really think it helps us. the thing is, we really trust our counselor and she specilizes in grief, so that also is a plus. she has good common sense. it is an individual thing.

carol....i sure do think about you and ralph and i hope the surgeon has some good things to say after this round of chemo/rad......keep us informed.....

susannah...you are good.....

colleen....one of my good friends here.

trudi.....could not do this without you.

becky....oh, becky, it does sound hopeful that someone is on your side and you can get something accomplished with the speed limit....

pam....thoughts of you, girlfriend...

dee...always with words of wisdom....love it, always.

betty....miss you...

rhonda....we seem to be on the same page so much of the time...

sherry....sending love your way.

lorri.....you still busy with the kloset?

susan, amy, betsy, rachael, kenn, maddy, robyn, louise, dru, sabs, sonya, rachel, and anyone i have failed to mention....please know i am holding you close and holding your hand on this, the most fragile journey we will ever take in our lives. not much to say but let you know that your friends here will do what we can to hold you up and hold your heart, even for just a while. let the tears flow, for they are healing tears. sit and cry on our shoulders, for we have all needed the same shoulders to cry on ourselves.

i am still here, as small and weak as i am, because of this site. we will be here together.......

love and huggs to all.....diane, nathan's mom....always and forever....

[mysonrich]

double post

Edited February 16, 2012 by mysonrich

[mysonrich]

Hi all, I also wanted to add that my page for this site always opens at Loss of An Adult Child ( better yet,never closes). If a thread is started with a different heading I don't always see it right away. I do try to respond to others when I notice a new post with a different sub-heading . I'm sorry if some of you reached out and didn't feel us reach back to you right away.

Amani'smommie, Rachael’sMom; Maddy, Lily's Mom, Jilly's Mom:Louise, Kevin’s Mom:Vivian, heydaddy, and anyone I may have missed. You are not alone.

Rhonda, we made it through January. This year being especially difficult for me. It seemed the more I tried to rise above the cloud, missing Rich, having his voice on a answering machine but afraid to listen because I fear it will be gone too...lots of other stuff thrown in just to make life more dramatic..well, it was rough. Thanks for reaching out and speaking to me.

Vanessa and Kailey....saying your name's out loud!!! Lori, beautiful children, always cherished.

Leah, this is for you. Dale Earnhardt Jr. interview after a race car crash not long after his father died:

"Do you think your dad was watching when you ran into trouble at Sonoma?" asks Wallace.

"Yeah, I mean, he would have to be. I think he had a lot to do with me getting out of that car," says Earnhardt Jr. "Absolutely. I don't know how else to put it. I don't want to put some weird psycho twist on it, like he was pulling me out or anything, but he had a lot to do with me getting out of that car. From the movement I made to unbuckle my belt, to laying on the stretcher, I have no idea what happened. How I got out."

"But what does your dad have to do with it?" asks Wallace.

"I don't have an explanation for it other than when I got into the infield care center, I had my PR man by the collar, screaming at him to find the guy that pulled me out of the car," says Earnhardt Jr. "He was like, 'Nobody helped you get out.' And I was like, 'That's strange, because I swear somebody had me underneath my arms and was carrying me out of the car. I mean, I swear to God."

"And that was your dad?" Wallace asks.

"Yeah, I don't know. You tell me," says Earnhardt Jr. "It freaks me out today just talking about it. It just gives me chills." (cbsnews.com)

[Maddy6]

1329429547' post='84048']

Good Afternoon all "Indigos" - As Susannah said earlier, this site was formerly known as Beyond Indigo.

Even though the name has changed, I believe "Indigo" is a beautiful name for the folks who come here.

I have been reading every day and want to respond, but I'm not so eloquent with the written word as the

likes of Dee, Susannah, Trudi, Carol and so many others.

With that in mind, let me attempt to extend my heartfelt sympathies and prayers to those of you new to this

site. (Might I mention that my memory is no better than my writing skills!) To: JD's Mom, Maddy, Kenn, Robyn,

Jilly's Mom, Amani's Mom, Lilly's Mom and anyone that I've forgotten who's new: the reason you are here is

that you've lost your child, the most horrendous thing to happen to a parent. We walk this road together and

that we have this place to do that is a blessing.

I joined this site while searching frantically in books, online, or asking other people for answers to how the

hell am I supposed to live without my daughter? How does one go on? How can this be possible? The

people that I met here were telling me that it is possible, hard but possible.

A quick background for those who do not know me. My 29 year old daughter Sarah was diagnosed

September 24, 2009 with leukemia. She battled the disease for 11 months, during which time she got

married to her sweetheart in her hospital room, but relapsed before she could get her stem cell transplant.

They just could not get the disease under control, and she died August 18, 2010 at Jefferson University

Hospital in Philadelphia. My world shattered that day and I know that I will never be the same.

I would like to apologize to those of you who have recently had an angelversary or a birthday of your child's

that I failed to comment on. My heart is with all of you, old and new, each day as we walk this road together.

I pray for peace and comfort, a smile, a memory of our sweet angels for each and every one of you.

Shelly

Shelly,

Thank you for welcoming me and for your heartfelt sympathy. I appreciate it so very much. I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Sarah. I know how wicked of a disease leukemia is, as my brother died of it when I was a child. I remember my 17 yo brother Danny, battling for his life for 2 years before he succumbed. My parents brought him to St Jude Children's Hospital in Tennessee. His loss devastated our family. Now I have lost my 22 yo daughter 4 years ago. I understand about the shattered world you describe. Finding this site helped me tremendously, because I did not know others existed with the pain I lived with. Thanks again,

Maddy/Rachael's mom, as well as 5 others.

[Maddy6]

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

[517958]

I haven’t posted in a while. It’s so hard to hear everyone’s sad story. I can barely stand my own sad story let alone everyone else’s. I just got past Charlotte’s birthday which was on the 12th of Feb. We did a combined sad little “party” for her and my son, Will, because his 1^st birthday was on the 10^th. I vow to make them 2 separate days from now on because I don’t want his birthday to be sad and if I continue to combine with Char’s it will be. There were a lot of tears on Sunday. I thought I was going to have 40,50 maybe even 60 birthdays with her and I only got 5. Last year I was having my son and was in the hospital so I didn’t even get to spend her last birthday with her. I never imagined it would be her last.

We’ve come to the conclusion that our litigation in connection with her accident is now on the way back burner of our lawyer since he doesn’t return email anymore, so I figure I can finally tell our story. Last July 4^th week, my husband took off Tues – Thurs and I was going to take off Friday from work so we could go camping. He told me Tuesday night that he was going to be taking the kids to his friend’s house to swim in the pool. I got a bad feeling at first but ignored it. He was going to be there with his friend and the friend’s girlfriend with her two sons. I thought that 3 adults watching 4 kids in the pool would be enough – especially since my kids would be wearing lifejackets. I also went to work early that day and was going to leave as soon as possible and go be with them. My son was only 4 months at the time and when my husband left the pool area for a minute (literally), Char got up out of the pool and asked the girlfriend to take off her lifejacket. The girlfriend took it off…and then didn’t watch her so we don’t know exactly what happened yet other than someone said, “Where’s Charlotte?” and they started looking. They looked all around and of course in the pool. Unbeknownst to anyone, there was a chemical imbalance in the pool and they couldn’t see her at the bottom of the deep end. Finally someone thought to check under the water, dove in and pulled her out. They started CPR, a nurse ran over from next door and continued. They airlifted her to Hennepin County Medical Center here in Minneapolis which is a Level 1 trauma center. I arrived on the scene, about a half hour after they took her away, to find the place crawling with police. I started shaking when I pulled up – I knew it was bad and I knew it was one of my kids. When I got out of the car the police officer said, “Are you mom?” I said, “Which one of my kids is it?” and they said, “Your daughter” I said, “Which one? I have 2!!” They said Charlotte and I just lost it. I could tell by the looks on their faces it was bad. A chaplin brought us to the hospital and they herded us into a room. I was praying so hard. I was in shock and numb. They finally came in and told me they didn’t save her. The world came crashing down around me. They finally brought her in to see us and I just felt her cold skin and talked to her. And then we eventually had to leave the hospital without her. I didn’t cry an actual tear that day which I can’t figure out. I was sobbing and my heart was filled with a million tears but none came out of my eyes. Every day since then has been filled with tears.

So that’s my story. A stupid person does something ridiculously dumb and so many lives are forever altered. Char was a light in the world and the light of our family. She was a beautiful soul and she could have done a lot of wonderful things in this world but we’ll never get to see that realized. Her sister, Julia, talks about her often and misses her terribly. I guess at 7+ months out, I am used to Char not being there all the time but the pain and the tears continue. I’m mad a lot, mad at this stupid lady and my husband’s friend for not watching, mad at my husband for walking away, even mad at Char for asking to have that damn lifejacket taken off. I’m also angry at myself for letting them go when I wasn’t going to be there the whole time to watch them. I struggle with the fact that my husband continues to try to be friends with this man. He and his girlfriend have never attempted to say anything to me other than, “I’m sorry for your loss” at the funeral. I still can’t figure out how someone drowns in front of 2 adults and 3 other children.

I’m hoping that with time I’ll somehow find some way that this will make us better people or that SOME good SOMEWHERE can come of this but selfishly, even if God himself had come to me and said her death could bring about world peace, I still would still have chosen to have her here with me. None of us were given that choice though.

There's my novel. I just have a need to tell my story. So make sure you can see the bottom of the pool-specifially the pool drain in the deep end. If you can't, don't swim in there and let the owner know they should drain it and start over.

[Maddy6]

1329432132' post='84051']

Hi all, I also wanted to add that my page for this site always opens at Loss of An Adult Child ( better yet,never closes). If a thread is started with a different heading I don't always see it right away. I do try to respond to others when I notice a new post with a different sub-heading . I'm sorry if some of you reached out and didn't feel us reach back to you right away.

Amani'smommie, Rachael’sMom; Maddy, Lily's Mom, Jilly's Mom:Louise, Kevin’s Mom:Vivian, heydaddy, and anyone I may have missed. You are not alone.

Rhonda, we made it through January. This year being especially difficult for me. It seemed the more I tried to rise above the cloud, missing Rich, having his voice on a answering machine but afraid to listen because I fear it will be gone too...lots of other stuff thrown in just to make life more dramatic..well, it was rough. Thanks for reaching out and speaking to me.

Vanessa and Kailey....saying your name's out loud!!! Lori, beautiful children, always cherished.

Leah, this is for you. Dale Earnhardt Jr. interview after a race car crash not long after his father died:

"Do you think your dad was watching when you ran into trouble at Sonoma?" asks Wallace.

"Yeah, I mean, he would have to be. I think he had a lot to do with me getting out of that car," says Earnhardt Jr. "Absolutely. I don't know how else to put it. I don't want to put some weird psycho twist on it, like he was pulling me out or anything, but he had a lot to do with me getting out of that car. From the movement I made to unbuckle my belt, to laying on the stretcher, I have no idea what happened. How I got out."

"But what does your dad have to do with it?" asks Wallace.

"I don't have an explanation for it other than when I got into the infield care center, I had my PR man by the collar, screaming at him to find the guy that pulled me out of the car," says Earnhardt Jr. "He was like, 'Nobody helped you get out.' And I was like, 'That's strange, because I swear somebody had me underneath my arms and was carrying me out of the car. I mean, I swear to God."

"And that was your dad?" Wallace asks.

"Yeah, I don't know. You tell me," says Earnhardt Jr. "It freaks me out today just talking about it. It just gives me chills." (cbsnews.com)

Hello Betsy,Thank you for mentioning and remembering me in your post, and reminding me that I am ot alone. I am a newbie and have been helped immensely thus far by this site. I hope to get to know all of you and continue to heal and grow here. If that is OK. I see you recently had an angelversary and I am so very sorry for the difficult time it must have been for you. Hoping to geto know you, as well as others here :-)

Maddy/Rachael's mom, as well as 5 others.

[Maddy6]

Becky,That is such wonderful news you received this morning talking to Maryland's Dept of Trans. And what a confirmation of your efforts as he relayed similar circumstances from the past. I will be praying his proposal will be acceptable and DelDot will respond favorably. You have done an awesome job in honor of Jared to correct this speed situation.

Love,Maddy/Rachael's mom, as well as 5 others.

[daveydow1]

Maddy-----Such a lovely Valentine's dinner table.......thanks for posting the pic. These little

steps taken to remember & honor your Dear sweet Rachael may seem small to some,

but to parents on this journey, they are big steps, really. Rachael must have been smiling

down on your family.

Betty-----I have not seen any robins around here yet. Husband loved the pie........I made

him raspberry scones on Valentine's Day. He loves scones too.

Leah------So sorry for the problems Sena is having emotionally and in school. Prayers for her.

You have given so much here at the BI too, Leah. that's what's so good about the site......

everyone understands, so well, the terrible pain of the loss of a child, and the resulting

problems that come along with that tragedy. It's like dropping a pebble in water, and

watching the rings spread out & out........many times the rings represent other problems

and things beyond our control. We can only do our best. Prayers for your familiy.

Peace to you, friend.

Betsy------So nice to see Rich's handsome smile.

Diane------I, so, relate to your looking for a Valentine for Nathan, and leaving the store crying.

So gut-wrenching, for sure. Each card that is picked up seems to say something that we

would love to say to our dear child, and the awful reality stabs at us again. This is so very

early on for you, in this rough road. It does get 'softer' somehow, in time, but always hurts.

Thoughts & prayers.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Kenn]

Maddy I love to see you acknowledging that you are still the mom of six children. I imagine the five who are still with you have had their own struggles to live with. The trauma of going through Hurricane Katrina must have left them in shock, and then the trauma of losing Rachael must have been overwhelming for all of you. I am so glad that your family is doing well, and I want to thank you for reaching out to me and showing your kindness. I was hurting when I first came here, and you and others helped me work through some things that were really pulling me down. I've read so many posts and gained strength from everyone who comes here. There is no way that I would try to mention names, because everyone has helped me in one way or other. I'm thankful to everyone. I loved the table Maddy, and I'm happy for your family that you are there for them.

Love,Maddy/Rachael's mom, as well as 5 others.

[Guest msnher]

Angela - I'm so mad at that woman! How dare she remove a child's life jacket? If only my anger could bring back your sweet little girl! I'm so, so sorry!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

http://cnettv.cnet.com/david-ball-riding-private-malone/9742-1_53-7631.html For all of us...I believe!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you. It really did bother me. I am angered by anyone that ever hurt him in his life, and now to have people trying to say hurtful things, and he's gone, not here to even defend himself, just makes my blood boil. I hope I answered them in a way not to bring myself down to their ignorant level. This struggle to address the speed issue here has helped keep me focused, but then today, when it felt like a small victory with the man in charge of the roads for Maryland agreeing to help by offering to lower their limit on the same road on the Maryland side..... I was good, and then suddenly I am so very sad. I couldn't even watch any tv, nothing was taking my mind off of the fact that no matter what I accomplish I can't bring my babyboy back.

Becky, i read the awful comments left on the TV news web page. I am so sorry you had to see them. I also feel for the families in my area that endure the same treatment in our local papers. I don't understand how people dare to write such things in the face of tragedy. I do know that some of the larger publications have a “flag” button which alerts editors to offensive comments. Maybe your TV station can add such a button. Free speech, yeah i know, but some respect and assistance for you and others , US, is needed when our defenses are on a low reserve or just plain empty.

[Amani's_mommie]

Thank you everyone for the support. Today I found out that the father of my daughter gave away most of Amani's clothes and furniture and things like that which is really hard for me because I have really grown attached to her clothes and other possessions. I really don't know how to deal with it and I feel like he has betrayed me.

[Maddy6]

1329437463' post='84058']

Maddy I love to see you acknowledging that you are still the mom of six children. I imagine the five who are still with you have had their own struggles to live with. The trauma of going through Hurricane Katrina must have left them in shock, and then the trauma of losing Rachael must have been overwhelming for all of you. I am so glad that your family is doing well, and I want to thank you for reaching out to me and showing your kindness. I was hurting when I first came here, and you and others helped me work through some things that were really pulling me down. I've read so many posts and gained strength from everyone who comes here. There is no way that I would try to mention names, because everyone has helped me in one way or other. I'm thankful to everyone. I loved the table Maddy, and I'm happy for your family that you are there for them.

Heydaddy and Indigos,I guess I should explain my signature. Since everyone said to put your child's name with yours I knew I needed to do that. But I struggle with being called just Rachael's mom. The reason is that my brother died when I was 9 yo. As a child I felt my mother idolized my dead brother. I can remember feeling like .....what about me, what about your kids that are still alive?.....I often felt abandoned by her, and that she was only .....Danny's mom......I also felt that Danny became identified in our home as some type of saint. I loved my brother, but he was no saint :-), anyway, because of that painful memory, And what I feel were perhaps missteps in the grievingprocess for my mom, I strive to let my children know that although I miss Rachael, they are important to me too. That I remember Rachael for who she really was and I know she was not perfect, or a saint. Just like none of us are. Even though I haven't done a great job since she died, of being a mom, and this is online where they will not even see it. It is necessary for me to continue to remind myself, that I am all of my children's mom. That they didn't die when Rachael did. To pull myself back into the land of the living for their sake. To strive to make sure they do not ever feel I am so caught up in the memory of Rachael that I forget about them. Also, when people ask how many kids I have, say 6. I have actually had someone I work with correct me and say, no, she has 5. I have 6 kids. I always will. Rachael is not currently with us, but she is alive and well (I understand her to be alive spiritually alive, or living in another dimension), I will not deny her either by saying I have 5. I will also not clarify by saying I have 5 and 1 in heaven as some people have suggested. I have 6 children. They are all mine and always will be. All loved immensely and equally. I do not owe an explanation when I first meet anyone. I have 6 children. They will always be included and together, I can't separate them into categories. The love remains the same, and possibly that is part of the pain. Because the love for Rachael has not, and never will, die. Just like the love for my living children. I have 6 children in all. I cannot identify myself in anyway in my mind except as all of their mom. All the time.Thanks for listening. Hope you all have a wonderful day,I hope that does NOT offend anyone. It is just my own experience. That is all....

[ericasmom]

I always say that I have two children, I will always have two children, one resides in the Heavens, but Erica will always be my Girl, and I will always be her Momma. I am glad to see that you have been able to shed that light for us all, how your Mom grieved and how it affected you as a Child. What good light you have shed for so many here.

Have a great day all, I walked in the morning dark, a crescent moon led me and delivered me back home with the soft colors of dawn. Peach and mango and a bruised lavender color. A new day.

[ericasmom]

Danielle, could it be that the Dad of your precious Child only knows how to deal with his grief in this way? So many of us have found the vast divide between how the genders grieve. Some can't have the items about, while others need those tangible things that allow a kind of connection. I am not defending, just wondering in print. I know though, that this feels disrespectful of the Child you love and miss, and I am so sorry for that. We hold your hand as you travel these hard steps. There is nothing easy about this loss, hang on.

[Maddy6]

1329469880' post='84067']

Thank you everyone for the support. Today I found out that the father of my daughter gave away most of Amani's clothes and furniture and things like that which is really hard for me because I have really grown attached to her clothes and other possessions. I really don't know how to deal with it and I feel like he has betrayed me.

Danielle, I understand the way you feel. I was very attached to the physical things, especially, with my first child. Later when we had more children and would look back at the clothes and such, special memories were attached to different items. I am so sorry that the loss of those items compounds the grief and loss of your daughter. I know you were not ready yet to part with those things and their loss creates more loss in your heart as you grieve for her. (I understand the loss of physical things and memories being attached to them because we lost a lot of things with Hurricane Katrina). I am so sorry for the heartache you feel over so much loss and pain. I also understand what you are saying about feeling betrayed by him. Feeling he did not even acknowledge you, or feeling no attachment the way you did to those things. Sometimes, because they are the dad, and did not carry the baby themselves, the attachment is different. He did not know Armani as intimately as you did, yet. Perhaps his response was only because he lacked the sensitivity to understand. I am not trying to defend him, I just see why he possibly did that. But I totally, and fully understand why, you as the mom feel that way. I would have too. If it were me, I would want to save things to use if I had another little girl. To keep her memory alive. That is how I know I would feel. I am sorry for your hurt and pain Danielle and we are here for you,

[shorty16]

Me Too

When i am asked "How many children do you have?" I respond "3"

But, If I am never going to see this person again and choose not to go into depth, I will not discuss Brian's death.

If I am going to see this person again, I tell them Brian is an angel in heaven. Very rarely do I tell people Brian died car-surfing. I usually say "a car crash."

Great Topic and a hard question for us now.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Maddy6]

1329484905' post='84073']

Me Too

When i am asked "How many children do you have?" I respond "3"

But, If I am never going to see this person again and choose not to go into depth, I will not discuss Brian's death.

If I am going to see this person again, I tell them Brian is an angel in heaven. Very rarely do I tell people Brian died car-surfing. I usually say "a car crash."

Great Topic and a hard question for us now.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen,

Do you have any suggestions on what I could say when they ask how she died? It is so awkward for me. I have definite feelings about the....how many children do I have thing. But I am so lost about how to respond concerning people who ask about how she died, and especially people I dont even know. I feel put on the spot, and obligated to explain because I don't know what else to do. Her death presumably involved drugs, because there was a drug history. But her boyfriend who did not have any history of drug use, died with her on the same night, a few hours apart. The autopsy was not fully conclusive. I hate saying drugs to people, it makes me feel like I somehow am hurting Rachael's memory. I feel like I am betraying her and saying something negative, and especially that I do not owe an explanation to these people. But, I feel required to be honest also. I do not know what to say. I wish others could help me who have definite ideas and/or opinions. This has been a tough area for me. Any thoughts from anyone that could give me some guidance?

[Kenn]

Your daughter and her boyfriend died on the same night from causes that were undetermined. There were several possibilities of cause, but they weren't able to say for sure. I'm so sorry that you have so many unanswered questions, but if it were me I would say that, and leave it at that.

Having to explain the cause of our loved one's death can become a cause of trauma in itself. If I told everything that led to my daughter's death, I would have to write a book. I would advise anyone to share what you feel comfortable, and no more. You aren't obligated to explain what happened. Don't worry about what people might think, you can't control that, but I'll bet you that most people will only be thinking how sorry they are for your loss. God bless you my friend.

Colleen,

Do you have any suggestions on what I could say when they ask how she died? It is so awkward for me. I have definite feelings about the....how many children do I have thing. But I am so lost about how to respond concerning people who ask about how she died, and especially people I dont even know. I feel put on the spot, and obligated to explain because I don't know what else to do. Her death presumably involved drugs, because there was a drug history. But her boyfriend who did not have any history of drug use, died with her on the same night, a few hours apart. The autopsy was not fully conclusive. I hate saying drugs to people, and hurting Rachael's memory. I feel like I am betraying her and saying something negative, and especially that I do not owe an explanation to these people. But, I feel required to be honest also. I do not know what to say. I wish others could help me who have definite ideas and/or opinions. This has been a tough area for me. Any thoughts from anyone that could give me some guidance?

[Kenn]

Hey Amani's mom,

My daughter's death has really changed me in so many ways. I'll admit to you I wasn't much help when my first child died. My wife lost our first child when she was only a few months along, and I never grieved for him at all. To a young man who really didn't know anything about the love of being a parent, the death of our baby didn't seem real. It wasn't that I didn't care because I was some hard jerk, I just didn't feel the reality of his existence. My wife had to work through her feelings alone because I couldn't understand.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child, and I know the bond you had with her. I don't know what's going on in your boyfriend's mind, but I don't think he wants to hurt you on purpose. If he is anything like I was, he is probably clueless to how you feel. Communication is everything in a relationship, and I hope you are able to talk to him and share your pain. I really am so sorry for your loss. The grief you are experiencing is part of it, but it does get easier with time. Please forgive me if I said anything that offends you. I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you really aren't alone, others understand exactly how you feel.

Thank you everyone for the support. Today I found out that the father of my daughter gave away most of Amani's clothes and furniture and things like that which is really hard for me because I have really grown attached to her clothes and other possessions. I really don't know how to deal with it and I feel like he has betrayed me.

[westleysmom]

Maddy-my son Westley died in his sleep on the couch at a friend's house. I had talked to him earlier that evening and he seemed to be fine, happy and enjoying himself with his friends. The official cause of death according to the ME was combined acute intoxication. From what I could tell from the autopsy report, he had a couple of beers and took a prescription drug and the combination (along with his sleep apnea and not being home or using his cpap machine) just depressed his respiration to the point that he quit breathing at all. When his friend tried to wake him that morning for work, she couldn't wake him up. His lips were blue and she called us and we told her to call 911. We met them at the hospital and had to go in the little room and when they shut the door, I knew what they were going to say. I have been told by his friends that what he took was a xanax, but I am not certain that is what it was. At the ER that day, our pastor was talking to his wife on the phone and we overheard him say that it looked like a drug overdose. I knew he didn't mean to hurt us, he loved Westley and he told me that when I called him that morning, it was the worst phone call of his life so far. But it did hurt because it wasn't strictly true (it was the combination, not the amount of drug that he had taken) and because my husband and I both felt that it would somehow "tarnish" him in the minds of others, making their memory of him be about the fact that he died from drugs and not what a wonderful boy he was and how funny and generous and loyal. At the visitation, we did not have the ME report yet and honestly told people we didn't know what happened, because we didn't. He just went to sleep and didn't wake up. Westley didn't have a drug problem that we knew of and he still lived at home, alcohol was his drug of choice, and we had fought over it the last night he came in late (two days before his death) I still have tremendous guilt over that last confrontation, I was so worried about him and the thing which I fear most greatly actually happened, although I thought he would get behind the wheel and die in a car wreck, and possibly kill someone else. I don't think he could have lived with himself if that had happened. To us here, all of this is just details, the main story is that we lost our only son, my daughter lost her brother, his friends lost the best friend they ever had. To some people how he died is the main story, not that he was good and sweet and loyal, and that losing him has broken our hearts. I don't tell those people anything much at all. If they have the balls to ask, I tell them he died in his sleep six days before his 21st birthday and I miss him everyday. They usually don't ask more, but if they dare, I just say I don't know why he died, I'll never understand it. I don't know if this is helpful, but I wanted you to know that I feel the same way and over time have come to the conclusion that less is best when it comes to trying to explain the unexplainable.

All try to have a good day if you can

[Guest msnher]

"We have six children, I provided four and Gary two. Plus we adopted three of our 14 grandchildren, so we really have nine. We adopted them when their mother, my daughter, died."

Just call me TMI Susannah.

I especially give that explanation if my grandchildren are with me....out of respect for their experience. Jasmine will stand in front of a complete stranger and say, "My mommy died." At first those words were too painful to hear. One time both Mariah and I snapped at her. Watching her hurt expression, I hugged her and told her I was sorry and she could tell anyone she wanted to that her mommy died. Since their experience, there have been other children in their school who have lost a parent. I'm so proud/impressed with their ability to reach out to those children. Even Jonathon, who is only 7, told one of his friends, "I know how you feel". The little boy was sad one day and acting out. No one else would play with him. So, Jonathon took it upon himself to approach him. Mariah is a lot like me. She tells them what it's going to be like but not to be scared. Jasmine just hugs them...too much, of course.

[dwsmithrn]

maddy and anyone else who questions....i have 4 children, i STILL have 4 children and i will always have 4 children. when questioned and feel cornered, i say one lives in heaven and 3 live here on earth and leave it at that. when other questions arise, i simply put my hand up and say i don't (or can't) feel like talking about it and walk off. i have had many people whom have asked about my child's death, some in a compassionate way, and some just plain nosey and not so concerned, just wanted some gossip....i can certainly tell the difference....those are the ones, i simply walk away from and never look back. i assume they get the message loud and clear. when you are asking a greiving parent insensitive emotional questions and you see tears streaming down ones face, why in hell would you keep asking those questions???? it would be their turn to walk away. right? so, that is how i handle it and i do not feel badly about it at all. it is my grief, my sadness, my heartache, and i can and will handle it anyway i see fit at any given moment in time or place. and you should do the same. a patient's mother did it to my husband in the office and he had tears rolling down his face and he was backing into his office and she kept on and on until the girls in the office had to intervene so he could get away....how mean and cruel and tacky is that????

my own precious little grandaughter who was only 4 1/2 at the time asked me how many children i have and when i answered 4, she said, no, grandmother, remember about uncle nathan, (as if i could forget) bless her tiny heart and soul, and i repeated that i still have 4....after much time and thought, she said, oh, i get it grandmother, even though uncle nathan lives in heaven now, he is still your baby....i said, yes, avery, he will always be my baby, just like your mommy and uncle lee and uncle patrick, uncle nathan is still my baby. can you believe a 4 y/o can come to that conclusion? so, YES...i still have 4 babies....even though all grown with kids of their own, THEY are always my BABIES....just like YOUR children are always YOUR babies and will never be far from your hearts, your souls, your memories, or out of your head....they will remain with you forever. your every thought will have your child in them, your heart will carry that hole that they took when they left but yet, that hole will still carry the love that was carved there for them the day they were conceived. it is a hard concept, but i think i am finally getting it. i know that hole will never quite heal, but i am hoping for a little scar tissue to fill in just enough that i can find a reason to get up each day and maybe the tears will decrease a little each day. i told my counselor yesterday that i still find it difficult to get up every morning. there is nothing i find extreme joy in when i look out the window. the sun, the birds, the deer, no matter what i see or don't see, there is no comfort for my soul or heart. some day, i see it coming, but not today. when someone says, it's a beautiful day today, i just say, oh really? because i just can't see it.

it's just another day without my Nate. i am getting back on track with my beautiful daughter and the boys, and of course the grands....7, altogether, and for that little moment in time, i see the happiness they will bring me, but it is still difficult work. my husband is my rock....what i would do without him is a horrible thought. i cling to him like a thorn to a bush. but he is kind, loving and understanding. he is as close to my side as he can be without complaints or restraints. he is wonderful and i think i love him even more now than when i married him. he has shown such compassion and caring, even though he is grieving as well. yes, this new life is difficult, to say the least. i have no idea where this journey will take me, where i will find myself down the road and who i will become....how things will turn out later on. will i be worse for the ride? will i be a better person? will i find my mistakes and try to change them? or will i lie stagnant in this guilt/grief? i don't know. i really don't think of these things so much right now, maybe i should, but my heart aches too much to worry, i am just sad.

Leah, i am sorry you have so much on you right now. seems like load to carry. you are a remarkable person to have taken in the grands and your mother. i just can't imagine the workload you have on you on a daily basis and then the worry of your girls. i do hope things turn out good for you. how i do hope some good comes your way. you are a good person, you know.

danielle, i am sorry that amani's things were given away. is it possible that some keepsake of hers still remains and you can talk to him and ask if there is something you can have? i know that i had given the kids all of their belongings to them because they all had homes (and attics) of their own, and we had redone their rooms to guest rooms so when they came home, there was room for everyone. but, i had a few baby things, like favorite blankies and one or two stuffed animals and their baby books here with me. those were treasured items i kept. i also keot the homemade christmas ornament they had make over the years in a separate box so i could always have something homemade by them. of course, this never knowing it would be for a reason like this. i am sorry you are hurting so much. i am really, really sorry. my hand is holding yours today.

must sign off for now, please know that i am holding all of you in my heart today and always.....love, diane

[dwsmithrn]

susannah...you have some very strong grandchildren...wow, i am so impressed. they must be the light of your life having them around and also, having some part of your beautiful daughter around you. nathan was never married and never had any children. i will never get to experience that with nathan. the thought of never seeing him happy in that way does lay some hurt on my heart. bless you....you have been a guilding light for me on this site....thank you.

maddy, meant to tell you that there is no right or wrong way for you to respond to people. it is all in how you feel about it. there is NO OBLIGATION for you to say anything at all if you do not feel up to it. so do or don't depending on how you feel about it.

and that goes for anyone here on this site. it is strictly a personal decision. it is one reason i stay home for the most part. i just cannot face people and i don't feel like i can make that face to face contact with the questions yet. it makes me cry and lose my demeanor and i then have to leave the store and head home, to my safe place....then i don't get what i need, so again, i am stuck. so i try to avoid the 'people'.....

rhonda, good answer....that should be just enough to give them an answer but not enough for them to ask anymore. hopefully, they do just walk away. why do i seem to have all the people with big cahunas in statesville, nc ????? LOL

[Maddy6]

Rhonda - yes, that helps a lot. Thank you very much for your thoughts and experiences. It helps me reading about how you handled it.

Diane - Yes, my husband is exactly the same way. Don't know where we would have been without his strength. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. It helps a lot.

I hope I did not offend anyone about my signature thing. Because of my childhood experience I have strong feelings and it is just for me, from what I went through. Just my own feelings, no opinion on others.

Also, I must be meeting different people than you'll are.:-) really.

When Rachael first died. We were so newly in Texas and hardly knew anyone. Especially since the first year was spent our of our minds in a hotel and dealing with Katrina issues. All of our friends and family were in New Orleans. I felt like my child would have a pauper's burial. We did not know anyone. Her youth pastor was no longer in New Orleans, but in another state. He graciously came to Texas for the small service. Some family and a few friends made it to Texas for a small service with her body. Having lived in New Orleans our whole lives, we took her ashes back for a memorial service at our church. It wasn't even our church, as our church had been destroyed. It was the building our church acquired to recover in. The floors were bare with no carpet due to flood water and still trying to recover. Really, this is how slow to recover the whole situation was. Half the people we knew were no longer even in New Orleans. However, many, many friends came and supported us. Her youth pastor then flew into New Orleans to be there for that service. It was so good to be home amongst so many that

Now, people can be really nosey. But most are just curious, that is all. I don't ever think they mean any ill will. I just struggle with an answer that is acceptable, but not personal. I don't want to go into it. Yet I do want to answer them as they are really just curious, and that is okay.

One crazy lady at work, upon finding out I had survived Katrina, and then lost my child, came up to me and said..... can you please tell me....how do you go on? ....I was like what?.... The stupid dummy then says.....how do you live with yourself, how do you go on every day? I want to know about people like you, how can you find enjoyment in life? I am amazed by the human spirit........ They just do not know, that is all. And I truly want to be kind back.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and experiences. It helps me to think and process and understand. You all mean so much. Thank you for letting me know what you do. Heydaddy, if I say what you said to, that causes more questions because then they want to question the coroner. I thought about lying and just saying a car accident to shut them up. I actually had someone in a college class turn around from the table in front of me and start questioning me. I don't want to stop mentioning Rachael, or commenting stuff like "oh, that was my daughter who passed aways name" etc. It keeps her fresh in my mind and comforts me. I just don't like the questions that some people who do not have the social smarts give me.

Would it be okay to just lie and say a car accident, so there would not be any more questions? Thoughts on doing that?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I am so sorry I am such a mess and seem so needy. I know, I thank you all for being here for me.

[westleysmom]

Diane-Your Avery's understanding made me cry. It is so very difficult to understand death as adults and the little ones sometimes do better than we do. I think of you often and hope that you are doing well. I don't know what I'd do without my husband either. A year longer on the path, I can say that for me, there is some joy coming back into my heart, although that gaping hole is and will always be there. Hang in there with us here as we help each other along the way. I take weeklong breaks sometimes anymore because I have been very busy at work and other stuff, but not a day goes by that I don't think of one or the other of our angels during it. And it usually makes me smile, memories that you all have shared of beautiful people that I never knew before they died, but you all have brought them to life for me, and so they live on. Not the way we would have wanted, but for somebody to smile thinking about Westley pulling off part of his eyebrows and moustache by touching the 10 second glue they used at work before it dried--That makes me smile too. He was funny and irreverent and a clown sometimes, he talked too loud and had a high temper, but he was my baby and he will always be.

[robyn]

Rhonda - yes, that helps a lot. Thank you very much for your thoughts and experiences. It helps me reading about how you handled it.

Diane - Yes, my husband is exactly the same way. Don't know where we would have been without his strength. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. It helps a lot.

I hope I did not offend anyone about my signature thing. Because of my childhood experience I have strong feelings and it is just for me, from what I went through. Just my own feelings, no opinion on others.

Also, I must be meeting different people than you'll are.:-) really.

When Rachael first died. We were so newly in Texas and hardly knew anyone. Especially since the first year was spent our of our minds in a hotel and dealing with Katrina issues. All of our friends and family were in New Orleans. I felt like my child would have a pauper's burial. We did not know anyone. Her youth pastor was no longer in New Orleans, but in another state. He graciously came to Texas for the small service. Some family and a few friends made it to Texas for a small service with her body. Having lived in New Orleans our whole lives, we took her ashes back for a memorial service at our church. It wasn't even our church, as our church had been destroyed. It was the building our church acquired to recover in. The floors were bare with no carpet due to flood water and still trying to recover. Really, this is how slow to recover the whole situation was. Half the people we knew were no longer even in New Orleans. However, many, many friends came and supported us. Her youth pastor then flew into New Orleans to be there for that service. It was so good to be home amongst so many that truly cared for us.

This was the bad experience. I found out that 2 family friends, had already spread it on facebook that she had died of drugs. WE did not even know why yet. I spoke to someone close to these people and said that, we did not know yet. I also told them that if I found out anyone was spreading rumors about my child I would take that person in the middle of the memorial service and beat them into the ground. I said I will kick their but and keep on kicking it all the way out of the church. I was like I was crazy. I know that was terrible, but I was livid that anyone much less a family friend would hurt Rachael like that when there was not even a coroner report yet. Well, I think this person went back and told them. Of course they thought I was whacked, I was whacked at the time, and one of the people did not come to the service. The other one kept her distance.

I know these people were not meaning to be ugly, or unkind. But no one knew the complete details yet. That was how I reacted then.

Now, people can be really nosey. But most are just curious, that is all. I don't ever think they mean any ill will. I just struggle with an answer that is acceptable, but not personal. I don't want to go into it. Yet I do want to answer them as they are really just curious, and that is okay.

One crazy lady at work, upon finding out I had survived Katrina, and then lost my child, came up to me and said..... can you please tell me....how do you go on? ....I was like what?.... The stupid dummy then says.....how do you live with yourself, how do you go on every day? I want to know about people like you, how can you find enjoyment in life? I am amazed by the human spirit........ Well, I wanted to say you stupid idiot, I don't have any human spirit. I am lucky to be alive and didn't take my own life. And why are you so stupid? ......Well, that is what I felt like saying. But did not. I answered her with respect, as she truly was not meaning to be unkind. They just do not know, that is all. And I truly want to be kind back.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and experiences. It helps me to think and process and understand. You all mean so much. Thank you for letting me know what you do. Heydaddy, if I say what you said to, that causes more questions because then they want to question the coroner. I thought about lying and just saying a car accident to shut them up. I actually had someone in a college class turn around from the table in front of me and start questioning me. I don't want to stop mentioning Rachael, or commenting stuff like "oh, that was my daughter who passed aways name" etc. It keeps her fresh in my mind and comforts me. I just don't like the questions that some people who do not have the social smarts give me.

Would it be okay to just lie and say a car accident, so there would not be any more questions? Thoughts on doing that?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I am so sorry I am such a mess and seem so needy. I know, I thank you all for being here for me.

Maddy, you aren't a mess at all. And you tell people anything you want to. It ain't nun'a their bizness anyway! If it helps you to cut off nosy inquiries, I say, go for it! I know that when I get those questions, and I tell them that no reason was found for a healthy, happy 33 year old woman to just "go to sleep", they don't believe it. And you know what? I don't care what they think.

Others, friends and relatives, are just a little afraid (?). They might go home, look at their own family and wonder, "if it happened to them, it could happen to me". It reminds people of their own mortality, I think. When my friend lost her little boy, I went out and watched my kids playing and wondered "what would I do if I lost one of them?"

Well, now I know. We are given resources we never thought we could ever have. And I am, also, still the mother of 3! Thank you, Maddy!

Love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Thank you everyone for the support. Today I found out that the father of my daughter gave away most of Amani's clothes and furniture and things like that which is really hard for me because I have really grown attached to her clothes and other possessions. I really don't know how to deal with it and I feel like he has betrayed me.

Danielle,

It's too bad that he didn't think to offer them to you first. I know you have heard it a thousand times, but people do grieve differently, and perhaps he couldn't stand to see her things? I went out and copied every picture I have of Chrissy, and have hung them up or put them around the house and have a picture of her on the living room bookcase with a candle lit all day. Every mention of her causes my husband to well up again- he misses her so much- but he doesn't say a word to me because he knows I HAVE to do this. I thank God every day for this man- he has been a solid rock!

Is there any way you can go to those who have Amani's things and ask for them back? I'm betting they would give them to you...

Robyn

[vivkib]

I haven’t posted in a while. It’s so hard to hear everyone’s sad story. I can barely stand my own sad story let alone everyone else’s. I just got past Charlotte’s birthday which was on the 12th of Feb. We did a combined sad little “party” for her and my son, Will, because his 1^st birthday was on the 10^th. I vow to make them 2 separate days from now on because I don’t want his birthday to be sad and if I continue to combine with Char’s it will be. There were a lot of tears on Sunday. I thought I was going to have 40,50 maybe even 60 birthdays with her and I only got 5. Last year I was having my son and was in the hospital so I didn’t even get to spend her last birthday with her. I never imagined it would be her last.

We’ve come to the conclusion that our litigation in connection with her accident is now on the way back burner of our lawyer since he doesn’t return email anymore, so I figure I can finally tell our story. Last July 4^th week, my husband took off Tues – Thurs and I was going to take off Friday from work so we could go camping. He told me Tuesday night that he was going to be taking the kids to his friend’s house to swim in the pool. I got a bad feeling at first but ignored it. He was going to be there with his friend and the friend’s girlfriend with her two sons. I thought that 3 adults watching 4 kids in the pool would be enough – especially since my kids would be wearing lifejackets. I also went to work early that day and was going to leave as soon as possible and go be with them. My son was only 4 months at the time and when my husband left the pool area for a minute (literally), Char got up out of the pool and asked the girlfriend to take off her lifejacket. The girlfriend took it off…and then didn’t watch her so we don’t know exactly what happened yet other than someone said, “Where’s Charlotte?” and they started looking. They looked all around and of course in the pool. Unbeknownst to anyone, there was a chemical imbalance in the pool and they couldn’t see her at the bottom of the deep end. Finally someone thought to check under the water, dove in and pulled her out. They started CPR, a nurse ran over from next door and continued. They airlifted her to Hennepin County Medical Center here in Minneapolis which is a Level 1 trauma center. I arrived on the scene, about a half hour after they took her away, to find the place crawling with police. I started shaking when I pulled up – I knew it was bad and I knew it was one of my kids. When I got out of the car the police officer said, “Are you mom?” I said, “Which one of my kids is it?” and they said, “Your daughter” I said, “Which one? I have 2!!” They said Charlotte and I just lost it. I could tell by the looks on their faces it was bad. A chaplin brought us to the hospital and they herded us into a room. I was praying so hard. I was in shock and numb. They finally came in and told me they didn’t save her. The world came crashing down around me. They finally brought her in to see us and I just felt her cold skin and talked to her. And then we eventually had to leave the hospital without her. I didn’t cry an actual tear that day which I can’t figure out. I was sobbing and my heart was filled with a million tears but none came out of my eyes. Every day since then has been filled with tears.

So that’s my story. A stupid person does something ridiculously dumb and so many lives are forever altered. Char was a light in the world and the light of our family. She was a beautiful soul and she could have done a lot of wonderful things in this world but we’ll never get to see that realized. Her sister, Julia, talks about her often and misses her terribly. I guess at 7+ months out, I am used to Char not being there all the time but the pain and the tears continue. I’m mad a lot, mad at this stupid lady and my husband’s friend for not watching, mad at my husband for walking away, even mad at Char for asking to have that damn lifejacket taken off. I’m also angry at myself for letting them go when I wasn’t going to be there the whole time to watch them. I struggle with the fact that my husband continues to try to be friends with this man. He and his girlfriend have never attempted to say anything to me other than, “I’m sorry for your loss” at the funeral. I still can’t figure out how someone drowns in front of 2 adults and 3 other children.

I’m hoping that with time I’ll somehow find some way that this will make us better people or that SOME good SOMEWHERE can come of this but selfishly, even if God himself had come to me and said her death could bring about world peace, I still would still have chosen to have her here with me. None of us were given that choice though.

There's my novel. I just have a need to tell my story. So make sure you can see the bottom of the pool-specifially the pool drain in the deep end. If you can't, don't swim in there and let the owner know they should drain it and start over.

Angela, I am so sorry for the loss of you beutiful little Char.I haven't been on this road long, about 5 1/2 months, so I don't really know what I can offer in the way of comfort. I was very angry when I first found out the cause of my son's death and to be honest at times I still get angry. I hurt and cry alot but I have seen a few "good" things come out of all this. You're right, given the choise none of us would have choosen this path but we were put here anyway. We will always miss our children and they will always be a part of us. The anger will lessen over time and you will see good things, sometimes very small things, come out of the loss. Hang in there and when the feelings get to much come here and share them. I have found it does help. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[517958]

Thanks Vivian. We're in the same spot in our losses I guess. Past the initial horrible first weeks and going through all the "firsts." People so far have been good and remembering her and us. I feel supported now but I wonder what it will be like next year when everyone else forgets and thinks we should move on. I guess I cross that bridge when I come to it.

[517958]

Angela - I'm so mad at that woman! How dare she remove a child's life jacket? If only my anger could bring back your sweet little girl! I'm so, so sorry!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Thanks Susannah. I'm so angry at her too. Another mother takes the life jacket off another woman's child without asking. Just the day before, another mom in the neighborhood made Charlotte ask me if she could have one M&M for Pete's sake! All she had to do was say, "wait for your dad to get back" and my life woudln't be ruined right now. It's just so wrong. I guess someday I'll have to forgive her. I know she didn't mean to hurt Char but she did an incredibly stupid thing (or 2 incredibly stupid things if you count ignoring her after she took it off!).