Loss of an Adult Child

[robyn]

Kinda hard the last few days. Missing my son and can't see how to get by day to day at times, let alone in the years to come. I know we all get there because we have no other choise and I WILL make it, but some days I just don't know how. The thought of not hearing from him on my birthday this week or worse not being able to call him on his next month is just getting to me. I hurt for my 4 other kids and thier dad. I want to take the pain away from them but there is no way so I do my best to just be there for them. I can't help but think how so much has been taken from me in the last few years and it hurts. When will it end? Guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for my self right now and trying to put it in perspective. I'll just keep rolling with the punches and try to get by the best I can. Rachel, Thank you so much for the message you sent last night, It meant the word to me and came at just the right time. I know things are so hard on you right now also and for you to take the time to reach out was a blessing. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

Vivian,

It's ok to feel sorry for yourself; it's ok to feel sadness. We are going to miss our kids- it wouldn't be normal any other way. More than anything, we want to protect our kids from the bad things, and we just can't sometimes. What they are feeling, they must go through themselves. All we can do is be there to help them along. I admit that it is easier for me, as my other two are grown and live in their own homes, so they don't see Mom during those really dark times. But they come.

In 1961, I lost my beloved grandfather. I was only 10 years old and thought he was the only other human being who loved me. Nothing, to that point, had ever felt so bad. When my cousin got married (I was in my 30s) the family was sitting together at the reception and an aunt asked my mother, "So when did your father die?" and I blurted out "Yesterday!". I hadn't intended to react that way and I was as surprised as they. Long before then, however, and to this day, my memories of that good man make me smile. And I know he has met my daughter for the first time and they are loving each other! This is what lifts my mood...memories.

That day will come Vivian- I promise!

Robyn

[robyn]

Hey msnher,

I love your honesty, please know that. I'm going to share something that has allowed me to be able to believe, and if you think I eat too much pizza, I accept that too.

If there has ever been a doubting Thomas in this world, it is me, that is for sure.

An answer that I believe God allowed me to find has changed everything for me. I've shared it with other people many times, and it never seems to be accepted with the same impact that it has on my life. Perhaps I don't know how to communicate it, but I'll try.

Simple, simple, simple. As human's with free will, the ability to choose what we will or will not do, we have to learn by example, or else be turned into robots. If I had created the human race and wanted them to be able to live together without destroying each other, I would let them learn by the example of their own mistakes. As a parent I know that our children won't always listen to us, no matter how much we tell them we know. Most children will learn a lot of hard lessons because they have to experience the consequences of their mistakes for themselves. I just don't know any other way to have a multitude of created beings live together for eternity, except to teach them how they should live without destroying themselves.

God is so awesome. The idea that He loves us enough to allow all the chaos for a while, even though He hates it, helps me to believe. God has a plan, and I believe I've been given a glimpse of how good His plan is. I never have to question what has happened to Hannah. I know without a doubt that she is alive and happy. Life after the horrors of this world is looking very good to me.

Believing that nothing is taking God by surprise is so comforting. When I find myself going through awful trauma, I don't question God as to why He doesn't come to my aid. I believe He wants us to pray, but I know that most of the time He will allow us to go through our trials. He isn't always going to stop them, but if we can have faith, He will give us comfort in the storm. He will go through the storm with us.

Some people think I should have more faith than that, but I think it reveals just how great my faith is, how much I trust God.

I don't get angry at God when it doesn't feel like He is helping me. As a matter of fact I don't expect Him to deliver me from all the things that hurt me. I don't expect Him to, so I don't get angry when He doesn't. I do expect Him to help me find peace in the middle of my storms. My faith in knowing that God does have a plan, and everything is going exactly as He planned, helped me to find acceptance even when Hannah died. I hope I was able to communicate what I wanted to say. I didn't have pizza last night, so it isn't that.

Happy Valentines's day to you my friend in this journey we call life.

Kenn,

May I say, first, that there is no such thing as too much pizza!

Your posts lift my spirits! It has never ceased to amaze me how tightly we grip this life of sorrows? But I guess we can't be blamed since we know nothing else. But it really isn't what God ever intended for us.

I read in Genesis how God would walk in the garden with Adam and it blows me away that we gave that up so that we could "be as gods". I ask myself (especially now) "So how's THAT workin' out for ya?"

What He has waiting for us excites me too. I know it is on His time, and I must wait, but I'm looking forward to it too!

Robyn

[robyn]

Happy Valentine's day, baby girl!

2 months, 3 weeks, 2 days

[vivkib]

Vivian,

It's ok to feel sorry for yourself; it's ok to feel sadness. We are going to miss our kids- it wouldn't be normal any other way. More than anything, we want to protect our kids from the bad things, and we just can't sometimes. What they are feeling, they must go through themselves. All we can do is be there to help them along. I admit that it is easier for me, as my other two are grown and live in their own homes, so they don't see Mom during those really dark times. But they come.

In 1961, I lost my beloved grandfather. I was only 10 years old and thought he was the only other human being who loved me. Nothing, to that point, had ever felt so bad. When my cousin got married (I was in my 30s) the family was sitting together at the reception and an aunt asked my mother, "So when did your father die?" and I blurted out "Yesterday!". I hadn't intended to react that way and I was as surprised as they. Long before then, however, and to this day, my memories of that good man make me smile. And I know he has met my daughter for the first time and they are loving each other! This is what lifts my mood...memories.

That day will come Vivian- I promise!

Robyn

Thank you Robyn. I knosw in my head it will get a bit eaisier in time, but my heart doesn't seem to agree. 3 of my kids are over 18. My daughter has 3 kids of her own and at the moment because of my work situation (my husband is a long-haul truck driver and I have to go with him because of his dyslexia) my 10 yrs old is staying with her family for a little while. My 18 yrs old lives at my house with a friend so our house doesn't stand empty while we are on the road. Then my 25 yrs old son is doing 15 yrs in prison. This is another hard thing for me to deal with because the time he was sentanced to was extreme compared to what he was charged with. I worry about him because he suffers from bi-polar and depression. He has lost a grandfather and a brother sense he's been locked up. He still doesn't know the true cause of death for his brother because I can't tell him over the phone. I think I need to do it face to face so I can be there for him. My kids and I talk about Kevin all the time. Yes, the good memories make us smile but with tears in our eyes. We have a joke at home because my husband (Kevin's step-dad) puts his Blazer keys on top of our headboard. That happens to be where I have Kevin's ashes till I get his memorial shelf finished. One day he couldn't find the keys and my 18 yrs old told him Kevin had them. My husband said "leave it to Kevin to steal the keys". He was the family machanic. This made us all laugh and start with the talk of Kevin. Memories are good but they still cause so much pain right now. I know I'll get over this bump in the road and hope I get a small breather befor the next. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[briansdad]

I have to say that it's been 7 years and there are still those days and I have been having some lately.

I guess God knew I was struggling because the sermon on Sunday was on the "Beatitudes. The one they concentrated was "Blessed are they who mourn,

for they shall be comforted"

I listened intently.

[Maddy6]

Robyn,You said:

I read in Genesis how God would walk in the garden with Adam and it blows me away that we gave that up so that we could "be as gods". I ask myself (especially now) "So how's THAT workin' out for ya?"

My response:Bwahahahaha :-) ! You cracked me up. No, it is not working out for me. Definitely NOT. :-) .

Yet again.......thank you all for the comfort all of you bring to me :-)

[JD's Mom, Becky]

http://www.wmdt.com/...never-forgotten

http://www.wmdt.com/...agically-killed

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----I felt so 'in step' with you when you said you could not bring yourself to

take the apple pie out of the freezer after dear Westley passed. I, so, know what

you mean about your feelings. I still have some of the non-perishable foods that

Dave had in our kitchen when he passed. So very difficult to let go of these things,

as they seem more like letting our child finally go. I still have baby Lisa's clothes

and the few toys she had,..... now over 40 yrs. since she passed. Since apple was

West's favorite, I can see why you can't take the pie out of the freezer now. So agonizing, for sure.

Wishing you peace & comfort, friend.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

Robs Mom, Orlando's weather was fantastic! We live in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl. We go to Orlando all the time. My Daughter Vanessa, (one of my girls that Passed away) went to college in Orlando and has a house she rented when she moved to LA for work. She worked at Universal Studios while attending school. We have many happy memories there. So, It's bitter sweet for me to visit Orlando now that she is gone. I'm sorry for your losses, it's hard to loss your Father. I've loss my Mother, her husband, my step father (whom I loved very much). Both sets of Grandparents and a very close Aunt. I understand about the loss of your son hurting till the day you die, see him again. It's been so hard living with the loss of my Daughters. Nothing can replace the love we have for our children.

[/quot will pt you in

Thankyou for your comforting words.. I am glad you had a good time in Orlando. I will put you in my prayers. I am so sorry that you lost your 2 girls

Robs Mom

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

Robs Mom, Orlando's weather was fantastic! We live in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl. We go to Orlando all the time. My Daughter Vanessa, (one of my girls that Passed away) went to college in Orlando and has a house she rented when she moved to LA for work. She worked at Universal Studios while attending school. We have many happy memories there. So, It's bitter sweet for me to visit Orlando now that she is gone. I'm sorry for your losses, it's hard to loss your Father. I've loss my Mother, her husband, my step father (whom I loved very much). Both sets of Grandparents and a very close Aunt. I understand about the loss of your son hurting till the day you die, see him again. It's been so hard living with the loss of my Daughters. Nothing can replace the love we have for our children.

Hpw did yo lose your children? I hope it is OK that I ask that>

Robs Mom

[Maddy6]

1329266460' post='83953']

http://www.wmdt.com/...never-forgotten

Here is the link to the 2nd broadcast. I got quite a few very rude comments from the public to the first broadcast. I think it has to be someone that knows the driver. They seemed to want to question my parenting, saying you have to watch your children, no matter how old they are, and someone else said "tell the whole story of this troubled child". Wow, I have no idea....

Here is the link with the comments:

http://www.wmdt.com/...agically-killed

I wrote back to them, and so did my daughter, but I can't really say all that I do know, as the investigation isn't over yet. My daughter said more than I would have!

Becky,I am so sorry for that terrible comment that lady made. How can anyone be so heartless and cruel to say such a terrible thing to a grieving family? It hurts me to even hear such a callous comment. I am s sorry that you would have t hear garbage like that. I looked at both links and you did really well on the newscast. I didn't think you looked choked up and I think you presented everything very well. Jared would be, no, Jared is proud of you :-) Love, Maddy

[Guest msnher]

Becky - You handled yourself with grace, dignity and strength! I love how you have memoralized JD throughout your home - and that you wear his jacket. I wear Stephanie's robe. I posted a comment in the comment section.

Heydaddy - I don't know if anyone answered - I realize I didn't - you asked about the name "Indigo's". Before this site was called Grieving. com it was called Beyond Indigo. The name change was good because it enabled the grieving to find us more easily. However, a rose by any other name is still a rose.....for those of us who came here before the name change, we will always be known as Indigo's.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[robyn]

Thank you Robyn. I knosw in my head it will get a bit eaisier in time, but my heart doesn't seem to agree. 3 of my kids are over 18. My daughter has 3 kids of her own and at the moment because of my work situation (my husband is a long-haul truck driver and I have to go with him because of his dyslexia) my 10 yrs old is staying with her family for a little while. My 18 yrs old lives at my house with a friend so our house doesn't stand empty while we are on the road. Then my 25 yrs old son is doing 15 yrs in prison. This is another hard thing for me to deal with because the time he was sentanced to was extreme compared to what he was charged with. I worry about him because he suffers from bi-polar and depression. He has lost a grandfather and a brother sense he's been locked up. He still doesn't know the true cause of death for his brother because I can't tell him over the phone. I think I need to do it face to face so I can be there for him. My kids and I talk about Kevin all the time. Yes, the good memories make us smile but with tears in our eyes. We have a joke at home because my husband (Kevin's step-dad) puts his Blazer keys on top of our headboard. That happens to be where I have Kevin's ashes till I get his memorial shelf finished. One day he couldn't find the keys and my 18 yrs old told him Kevin had them. My husband said "leave it to Kevin to steal the keys". He was the family machanic. This made us all laugh and start with the talk of Kevin. Memories are good but they still cause so much pain right now. I know I'll get over this bump in the road and hope I get a small breather befor the next. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

Vivian,

For now, just give your heart some extra loving care. And accept a long-distance hug from me!

Robyn

[robyn]

http://www.wmdt.com/story/16935361/jared-west-gone-but-never-forgotten

Here is the link to the 2nd broadcast. I got quite a few very rude comments from the public to the first broadcast. I think it has to be someone that knows the driver. They seemed to want to question my parenting, saying you have to watch your children, no matter how old they are, and someone else said "tell the whole story of this troubled child". Wow, I have no idea....

Here is the link with the comments:

http://www.wmdt.com/story/16924862/mother-finally-speaks-out-after-son-was-tragically-killed

I wrote back to them, and so did my daughter, but I can't really say all that I do know, as the investigation isn't over yet. My daughter said more than I would have!

Becky, you did a great job and stated the case honestly and dispassionately. Every person in that neighborhood, especially with kids, should be right there with you!

In the comments section...any idea who this "sideways" cretin might be? What a dolt!

keep going Becky! It's a fight worth having!

Robyn

[robyn]

Robyn,You said:

I read in Genesis how God would walk in the garden with Adam and it blows me away that we gave that up so that we could "be as gods". I ask myself (especially now) "So how's THAT workin' out for ya?"

My response:Bwahahahaha :-) ! You cracked me up. No, it is not working out for me. Definitely NOT. :-) How much longer do I have till I shake this joint? In fact, that reminds me, right after Rachael died, well, for the first year. When all I wanted to do was die, I had a secret death wish. Well my husband knew. I would wish I could get a disease so I could die. He would get upset with me cause he did not want me to think like that. I would think in my head, might have even said around only my hubby a time or two, comments about.....when can I shake this joint? I truly wished to die, the pain was so great. But I do know this. My brother died when I was 9 yo. My mom never recovered, I didn't really even know her after that. She lived in a zombie world. The same type of world I had lived in the first 2-3 years after Rachael died. Only my dad was not the best husband that was for sure. Anyway, she died at ony 62 yo. I know she just slowly gave up from the pain and grief. All the years my kids were young they had no grandmother and I truly missed my mom so much during those years. I know from that experience that I need to heal and overcome for the sake of my children. I need to emerge and be more than zombie mom. I am getting there. I want to be here for their children and for them. You made me laugh with that comment. I love the humor so many of you here have and the laughter you have given me. It feels good to laugh in the face of adversity. Something I had not done for a long time because I had no one who shared my pain to laugh with.

Yet again.......thank you all for the comfort all of you bring to me :-)

Maddy

{{{hugs!}}}

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[robyn]

Maddy,

This is a picture of my younger daughter, Cory.

[Jilly's mom]

I have been reading all the posts but have not been able to respond to them. A few new faces....welcome to a place where you can grieve honestly and openly. This site has been a lifesaver for me. I so appreciate all the other parents out there willing to hold my hand as we travel this path!

We lost a 13 year old boy in our community this week. Oddly enough, a few parents called me and wanted to know how to talk to thier Jr high kids.We teach our young mothers to be all about the stages of pregnancy, labor and childbirth, but we don't teach our children about death, which everyone has to face at some point. I saw it as a teachable moment, and I was able to respond not only with what helped our family,, but also put many of the things I have heard from other parents on this wonderful site out there in my response... a "what to do and what not to do" kind of letter.(I didn't put any names or other identifying information...) They posted it on one of the school websites. Is that why I was left behind? To help educate other parents and children? (if it was, can I go now?) Its strange how this club that we all belong to, (that no one WANTS to belong to) has given me the strength and courage to reach out to others new to this path....12 weeks ago, I couldn't have imagined that.

Thank you to all of you for being there! You are each lifesavers in your own right. I appreciate you and send you each a cyber hug. If Heaven is about Love, our angels are surely dancing with joy over seeing us all connect on this side, while they do the same over there!

Louise (Jilly's mom)

[Maddy6]

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

[Maddy6]

1329284865' post='83972']

Maddy,

This is a picture of my younger daughter, Cory.

Robyn,She is so beautiful and I definitely see the resemblance as sisters :-) You are so blessed with a beautiful family. 2 grandchildren in all from the other 2 children, how many children did Chrissy have?Maddy

[shorty16]

Maddy

That was my experience with The Compassionate Friends Group. I went to the first 2 meetings only months after Brian was killed. I could not handle other peoples pain. It took me weeks to recover from those meetings. I stopped going.

A little after the 3 year mark...I went back ...What a difference. I was actually able to add value to the meeting. I could think and remember names - This month I am hosting our Waukesha County Compassionate Friends group meeting. About 40 people show up from a 40 mile radius.

It is amazing what time and alot of work can do. I think about myself at those first meetings and I was a mess. I mean unable to recognize the world I was in and wanting so much to escape from this nightmare.

I still feel that way, but not to that degree.

Thanks Maddy for making me realize how far I have actually come.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's.

I still haven't quite connected all the new member's names with their angels. My memory wasn't that great before Steph died. Since? There is no hope.

Older members - Dee, Carol, Sherry, Colleen, Leah, Dan, Greg. Kathy, Lorri, - and more - you were here when I crawled in. I am so grateful for you. I miss seeing your posts as often.

Maddy, Heydaddy, Robyn, Jilly's mom, Lilly's mom, and more - I hope you find the relief here that I did.

Rhonda, Karen, Diane, Lori....you came after me, but I was still quite raw. You spoke of your pain as if it were your own.

I know I've missed some names - one of the huge reasons I don't post names as often. You all hold a special place in my heart.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Maddy6]

Okay, so I am doing the Valentine's dinner thing for my family today. Cooking, decorating etc. Just came back from running to buy stuff 1/2 price for gifts and decorating. This is painful. How do I proceed with this tradition we had when Rachael was alive? It really hurts so much. I try to go forward ( which is big step alone) and the thoughts come back and the pain. The self blame. Then I want to die again. This used to be such a fun event for my kids. How do I make myself enjoy this when I am in agony? What kind of cruel joke of existence is this? The truth is that I died on August 7, 2007. Whoever that person was, is gone. Thanks for listening.

[Maddy6]

1329313119' post='83978']

Good morning, Indigo's.

I still haven't quite connected all the new member's names with their angels. My memory wasn't that great before Steph died. Since? There is no hope.

Older members - Dee, Carol, Sherry, Colleen, Leah, Dan, Greg. Kathy, Lorri, - and more - you were here when I crawled in. I am so grateful for you. I miss seeing your posts as often.

Maddy, Heydaddy, Robyn, Jilly's mom, Lilly's mom, and more - I hope you find the relief here that I did.

Rhonda, Karen, Diane, Lori....you came after me, but I was still quite raw. You spoke of your pain as if it were your own.

I know I've missed some names - one of the huge reasons I don't post names as often. You all hold a special place in my heart.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Hey Susannah,Even while I sit here typing and feeling like crud, I see your post and I have to chuckle :-) I so enjoy your spunky spirit :-) I am glad I met you :-) Maddy

[Guest msnher]

Maddy - Kuddos to you for even trying! I think we have to change the traditions to include and/or honor the child who is not there. Setting off balloons? Writing a special valentine of love to the surviving members and pass out blank valentines on which each one can write a note of love to Rachael? Good luck! A very brave step for you in the face of grief.

[Kenn]

Hey Maddy,

I can imagine how hard this is for you. The idea of going on without them just doesn't seem real, or even possible at times. However this Christmas I had to face it head on, and I loved the memories that came from it. I drove 12 hours to visit my daughter and grandchildren. You can bet that I brought lots of presents, and was very successful at creating some really good memories for us all. I laughed, played, and acted as normal for the kids as could be possible under the circumstances. It was a really good time for us all, and I know how helpful it was for Hannah's daughter. The best thing we can do is help each other be strong and take our medicine. The best medicine for a grieving heart comes to us when we help others by sharing much needed smiles, and showing that it is normal and okay to go on living. At the time I really didn't feel like going, but it really was exactly what I needed. I will never forget Hannah. She is always in our heart. We will go on living, and that is exactly what she wants us to do.

Okay, so I am doing the Valentine's dinner thing for my family today. Cooking, decorating etc. Just came back from running to buy stuff 1/2 price for gifts and decorating. This is painful. How do I proceed with this tradition we had when Rachael was alive? It really hurts so much. I try to go forward ( which is big step alone) and the thoughts come back and the pain. The self blame. Then I want to die again. This used to be such a fun event for my kids. How do I make myself enjoy this when I am in agony? What kind of cruel joke of existence is this? The truth is that I died on August 7, 2007. Whoever that person was, is gone. Thanks for listening.

[lilysmommy]

1329313119' post='83978']

Good morning, Indigo's.

I still haven't quite connected all the new member's names with their angels. My memory wasn't that great before Steph died. Since? There is no hope.

Older members - Dee, Carol, Sherry, Colleen, Leah, Dan, Greg. Kathy, Lorri, - and more - you were here when I crawled in. I am so grateful for you. I miss seeing your posts as often.

Maddy, Heydaddy, Robyn, Jilly's mom, Lilly's mom, and more - I hope you find the relief here that I did.

Rhonda, Karen, Diane, Lori....you came after me, but I was still quite raw. You spoke of your pain as if it were your own.

I know I've missed some names - one of the huge reasons I don't post names as often. You all hold a special place in my heart.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

its okay..lilys mom is fine..im still tryin to connect everyone with their children too..its too many of us..but im glad im gettin to know everyones story..and hear how everyone is doin..

[lilysmommy]

1329266460' post='83953']

http://www.wmdt.com/...never-forgotten

Here is the link to the 2nd broadcast. I got quite a few very rude comments from the public to the first broadcast. I think it has to be someone that knows the driver. They seemed to want to question my parenting, saying you have to watch your children, no matter how old they are, and someone else said "tell the whole story of this troubled child". Wow, I have no idea....

Here is the link with the comments:

http://www.wmdt.com/...agically-killed

I wrote back to them, and so did my daughter, but I can't really say all that I do know, as the investigation isn't over yet. My daughter said more than I would have!

im so sorry ignorant people responded to your story like that..just recently an 18 yr old in the area committed suicide..the local news which i have on my fb page posted the story and some people were commentin stuff like that i couldnt even believe the news allowed to leave on there..an example..a lady in her 30swrote..im glad she killed herself..simce she obviously wants to take her life than it jus means she wasnt worth havin here..soo i decided to write on their wall..earlier that week they had showed a story on a young girl who got beat up over a fb post..so i told them..how does this make u any better..you're puttin stories on your wall and askin the public what they think just to get comments..you have no idea what its like to lose a child and then see people writin negative comments..i hope the family never sees this but i know they will..if this was me and i had seen comments like this i would have gone after the news station and loooked. up every person thatwrote somethin..if this was ur child..you would have never let the commetnts stay..shame on you..and the producer wrote me and asked to do an interview..i refused..all their goin to do is try to make a story and people are goin to be ignorant and write dumb comments and im young and still have a lot of anger..so i know not to even try and explain to people how painful it is to read comments like that when ur grievin..im sorry that people made comments like that..

[lilysmommy]

i ran to the cemetery yesterday around noon to spend a few hrs with Lily..didnt notice til half way our dog followed me..shes a new dog and she never met Lily but Lily loved dogs so i know she enjoyed it..then i took the boys to their first hockey game..they had no idea we were goin..i said cmon guys get ready for our date..and they responded..what??? a date?? with you?? dont you have a boyfriend or somethin cuz we habe our own girlfriends..lol..the arena was an hr away so they fell asleep..but they were suprised when they got there..they loved it and now theyre obsessed with hockey..everythin for their bday they want hockey..they said they cant wait til we go again..we had a great time..

so thenn i come home and get on fb..why do i let other peoples choices bother me..a girl i know..was pregant with triplets..she tried to have an abortion..at home..we live close to mexico..so abortion pills are easy to get..well she ended up killin one of the triplets but they couldnt take him/her out or she would lose the rest..of course she thought no one knew..but the guy who got them for her..told me..and this wasnt the first time shed done it..im no one to judge..if u want to have an abortion..ok do it..but dont tell the world u had a miscarriaged jus to have them feel sorry for you..lanyhow...this pill did alot of damage to other babies..she made it to 30 weeks and they came out 1lb each..i was 27 weeks and my boys came out 4lbs each..one of the babies passed away yesterday..all day yesterday she just kept puttin quotes that i had of. my daughter on my page..she even had the nerve to write a status sayin cherish ur children because u never know how long you have & for those of u killin your children..God bless your soul..i was soo angry..then a mmutual friend wrote me and said i should write her cause we're gointhru the same thing..NO! i never tried to kill my child..how dare you try to use this as a sympathy thing so the world could feel sorry for you..but im tryin really hard not to judge..im jus so angry seein the things she posts..i might be wrong again..because im young and stilll learnin..oh well..i needed to get that out..

i apologize if i offended anybody..

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[Maddy6]

Wanted to show you'll my puuurrrrty table :-). Homemade lasagna, carrot cake from scratch, and salad :-) Kids and hubby will be home soon. My son and I ended up having fun doing this, little hard at times, but I braved the storm and mission accomplished! Moved the empty chair from the table. It is always kind of conspicuous whether it is there, or not. It is awkward. Told my son let's make a Valentine for Rachael and he got a little upset and said no. That's OK. Just doing this is really big deal.

Maddy :-)

[Maddy6]

i ran to the cemetery yesterday around noon to spend a few hrs with Lily..didnt notice til half way our dog followed me..shes a new dog and she never met Lily but Lily loved dogs so i know she enjoyed it..then i took the boys to their first hockey game..they had no idea we were goin..i said cmon guys get ready for our date..and they responded..what??? a date?? with you?? dont you have a boyfriend or somethin cuz we habe our own girlfriends..lol..the arena was an hr away so they fell asleep..but they were suprised when they got there..they loved it and now theyre obsessed with hockey..everythin for their bday they want hockey..they said they cant wait til we go again..we had a great time..

so thenn i come home and get on fb..why do i let other peoples choices bother me..a girl i know..was pregant with triplets..she tried to have an abortion..at home..we live close to mexico..so abortion pills are easy to get..well she ended up killin one of the triplets but they couldnt take him/her out or she would lose the rest..of course she thought no one knew..but the guy who got them for her..told me..and this wasnt the first time shed done it..im no one to judge..if u want to have an abortion..ok do it..but dont tell the world u had a miscarriaged jus to have them feel sorry for you..lanyhow...this pill did alot of damage to other babies..she made it to 30 weeks and they came out 1lb each..i was 27 weeks and my boys came out 4lbs each..one of the babies passed away yesterday..all day yesterday she just kept puttin quotes that i had of. my daughter on my page..she even had the nerve to write a status sayin cherish ur children because u never know how long you have & for those of u killin your children..God bless your soul..i was soo angry..then a mmutual friend wrote me and said i should write her cause we're gointhru the same thing..NO! i never tried to kill my child..how dare you try to use this as a sympathy thing so the world could feel sorry for you..but im tryin really hard not to judge..im jus so angry seein the things she posts..i might be wrong again..because im young and stilll learnin..oh well..i needed to get that out..

i apologize if i offended anybody..

Sonya,

That is so wonderful about your boys, hockey game and their party. Yes, I know how it hurts in relation to what you said about that girl you know. Sometimes I have felt people trivialize my daughter's life when they compare it to a miscarriage etc. It really hurts, and I tell myself they don't understand, but I could get really angry over it, cause I think that how could they be that stupid. I have to run, but it brings me joy to hear of your relationship with your boys going so well and I just wanted to tell you ......:-)

Maddy

[robyn]

I have been reading all the posts but have not been able to respond to them. A few new faces....welcome to a place where you can grieve honestly and openly. This site has been a lifesaver for me. I so appreciate all the other parents out there willing to hold my hand as we travel this path!

We lost a 13 year old boy in our community this week. Oddly enough, a few parents called me and wanted to know how to talk to thier Jr high kids.We teach our young mothers to be all about the stages of pregnancy, labor and childbirth, but we don't teach our children about death, which everyone has to face at some point. I saw it as a teachable moment, and I was able to respond not only with what helped our family,, but also put many of the things I have heard from other parents on this wonderful site out there in my response... a "what to do and what not to do" kind of letter.(I didn't put any names or other identifying information...) They posted it on one of the school websites. Is that why I was left behind? To help educate other parents and children? (if it was, can I go now?) Its strange how this club that we all belong to, (that no one WANTS to belong to) has given me the strength and courage to reach out to others new to this path....12 weeks ago, I couldn't have imagined that.

Thank you to all of you for being there! You are each lifesavers in your own right. I appreciate you and send you each a cyber hug. If Heaven is about Love, our angels are surely dancing with joy over seeing us all connect on this side, while they do the same over there!

Louise (Jilly's mom)

Thank you so much, Louise!

You're right- this site has been a blessing. So many will always say "if there is anyting I can do...", and I know they really mean it when they say it, but we scare them a little, I think. They can't help but internalize what we are going through. How do you NOT go home, look at your family and ask, "What would I do? How would I react?".

You made me smile thinking about all our Angels, dancing for joy- I can't wait to join them!

While you nare at it- give yer'self a big pat on the back. You have done your share of "lifesaving"!

Robyn

[robyn]

Wanted to show you'll my puuurrrrty table :-). Homemade lasagna, carrot cake from scratch, and salad :-) Kids and hubby will be home soon. My son and I ended up having fun doing this, little hard at times, but I braved the storm and mission accomplished! Moved the empty chair from the table. It is always kind of conspicuous whether it is there, or not. It is awkward. Told my son let's make a Valentine for Rachael and he got a little upset and said no. That's OK. Just doing this is really big deal.

Maddy :-)

How pretty Maddy!! Amazing how it's the little things in life that give us such joy! Enjoy it- you certainly deserve it!

Love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Robyn,She is so beautiful and I definitely see the resemblance as sisters :-) You are so blessed with a beautiful family. 2 grandchildren in all from the other 2 children, how many children did Chrissy have?Maddy

Thank you Maddy. Chrissy has two little girls- Ava and Alex. They are 7 and 3. Alex is the absolute image of her mother, and even acts the same way she did at 3. I get to spend a lot of time with Alex, and it's almost like watching Chrissy grow up all over again! Ava's father swooped in the week Chrissy left and scooped her and took her to Colorado. But we get to talk to her as much as we like and can Skype her (if we can ever get the danged thing to work!).

So, we have 4 grandbabies- right now. I AM expecting more to come!

Robyn

[summergirl]

IF ONLY ---

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigos....I have been away for awhile now, I come here, I leave here, I come back....so many things I want to say but no way to get them into words....I am in a sad place, cry in the morning and at night....even cry at work in the bathroom or outside, it is like I have gone back to the days when I first lost Jessica almost 6 years ago !! How can one come so far and then find themselves right back at the beginning again, it hurts so bad.....I even went into the office and went into the "Jessica Drawer" and sat on the floor looking at her death certificate....just stared at the date and the time....February 18, 2006, 12:38 a.m. - What the hell did I do that for?? And I am MAD --- our friend called hubby today and invited us over for dinner and drinks on Saturday nite, get a babysitter for Tavian as it is adults only, blah, blah, blah...my hubby said "I told her we will be there sounds like FUN" - OH REALLY !!!!....yeah lots of fun on Jessica's Angelversary - I want to go HANG OUT with friends cause it will be FUN ????? What is wrong with everyone ?? It is not a celebration, not a party and do not try to comvince me that it is "what is best for me"....because if you want to be honest then you would probably say "oh sorry, I did not remember what day it was" !!!! and what is up with hubby ??? is it easier for him to get me out of the house and be with friends so I "don't think about it, cry about it ??" --- sooooooooooooooooooooooooo MAD I could just scream.... and sooooooooooooooooooooo SAD I could just run away !! Well, I guess I got all of that out of my system and no better place to do it then with all of you who know and understand.....I certainly had no problem finding words tonite and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for listening.....I love you all, keep you close to my heart and think of you often. I am going to try to come back more often as I need you all always and forever......I do not need to say your names as I know each of you through our Angels.....With much love and hugs, Kathy

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[robyn]

Hello Dear Indigos....I have been away for awhile now, I come here, I leave here, I come back....so many things I want to say but no way to get them into words....I am in a sad place, cry in the morning and at night....even cry at work in the bathroom or outside, it is like I have gone back to the days when I first lost Jessica almost 6 years ago !! How can one come so far and then find themselves right back at the beginning again, it hurts so bad.....I even went into the office and went into the "Jessica Drawer" and sat on the floor looking at her death certificate....just stared at the date and the time....February 18, 2006, 12:38 a.m. - What the hell did I do that for?? And I am MAD --- our friend called hubby today and invited us over for dinner and drinks on Saturday nite, get a babysitter for Tavian as it is adults only, blah, blah, blah...my hubby said "I told her we will be there sounds like FUN" - OH REALLY !!!!....yeah lots of fun on Jessica's Angelversary - I want to go HANG OUT with friends cause it will be FUN ????? What is wrong with everyone ?? It is not a celebration, not a party and do not try to comvince me that it is "what is best for me"....because if you want to be honest then you would probably say "oh sorry, I did not remember what day it was" !!!! and what is up with hubby ??? is it easier for him to get me out of the house and be with friends so I "don't think about it, cry about it ??" --- sooooooooooooooooooooooooo MAD I could just scream.... and sooooooooooooooooooooo SAD I could just run away !! Well, I guess I got all of that out of my system and no better place to do it then with all of you who know and understand.....I certainly had no problem finding words tonite and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for listening.....I love you all, keep you close to my heart and think of you often. I am going to try to come back more often as I need you all always and forever......I do not need to say your names as I know each of you through our Angels.....With much love and hugs, Kathy

Kathy,

I read your post with tears in my eyes. I wish I could send you a huge psychic hug and tell you it's all good. It's ok to miss your child. I can't imagine that any of us will ever get to a point where we DON'T miss our babies. Chrissy came along at a bad time in my life- an 8lb, 14oz. miracle! She saved my life Kathy. I know I will miss her the rest of my life, and I would give anything to hold her again and kiss her sweet face. But I will settle for my pictures, mementos and memories, for now.

I know that here, Hubby tries to help. Even though he is in pain too, he really tries to make it better. Maybe your hubby is just trying to help, too? They don't always get it right, but then again, neither do I most of the time...

Honey, my best friend (who lost her son many years ago) told me to go out in the yard and scream as much as I wanted. She said it made HER feel better! So I will pass that along to you- if screaming is what you need to do, DO IT! Do it loud, and do it good! I hope I hear you here in Georgia!

Love,

Robyn

[Maddy6]

1329356361' post='84001']

Hello Dear Indigos....I have been away for awhile now, I come here, I leave here, I come back....so many things I want to say but no way to get them into words....I am in a sad place, cry in the morning and at night....even cry at work in the bathroom or outside, it is like I have gone back to the days when I first lost Jessica almost 6 years ago !! How can one come so far and then find themselves right back at the beginning again, it hurts so bad.....I even went into the office and went into the "Jessica Drawer" and sat on the floor looking at her death certificate....just stared at the date and the time....February 18, 2006, 12:38 a.m. - What the hell did I do that for?? And I am MAD --- our friend called hubby today and invited us over for dinner and drinks on Saturday nite, get a babysitter for Tavian as it is adults only, blah, blah, blah...my hubby said "I told her we will be there sounds like FUN" - OH REALLY !!!!....yeah lots of fun on Jessica's Angelversary - I want to go HANG OUT with friends cause it will be FUN ????? What is wrong with everyone ?? It is not a celebration, not a party and do not try to comvince me that it is "what is best for me"....because if you want to be honest then you would probably say "oh sorry, I did not remember what day it was" !!!! and what is up with hubby ??? is it easier for him to get me out of the house and be with friends so I "don't think about it, cry about it ??" --- sooooooooooooooooooooooooo MAD I could just scream.... and sooooooooooooooooooooo SAD I could just run away !! Well, I guess I got all of that out of my system and no better place to do it then with all of you who know and understand.....I certainly had no problem finding words tonite and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for listening.....I love you all, keep you close to my heart and think of you often. I am going to try to come back more often as I need you all always and forever......I do not need to say your names as I know each of you through our Angels.....With much love and hugs, Kathy

Kathy,I understand what you are saying completely. My child left in Aug 2007 and more and more I get glimpses into normalcy. I used to go through the motions. Then recently I even began to feel again. I thought I was feeling before that. But I wasn't and did not realize it, if that makes sense. But while I am pushing forward to try to regain my life, out of nowhere, I will get hit with a memory. The memories vary. It can be good, comforting, happy memories. Or, the worst, regretful, and self blame memories. But the worst kind is the kind that reminds me this is reality. I am moving forward, but the she is gone. That pain to the pit of my stomach that screams no. The pain of the loss. That is what hurts so much. That is what I run from. The pain of the loss. When those memories happen, when that pain emerges, I feel like a piece of me dies each time. It chips away slowly. I too, want so often to give in to the pain. I remember in the beginning being puzzled how life continued, yet Rachael was gone. I was the walking dead. Life was surreal. The more I tried to return, the more I was reminded that the old me was gone and I no longer found this life pleasurable the way I once did. In fact, everyone was participants of a life I was once a part of. A life where certain small things, and things like parties mattered. I felt that they must all be crazy, because how could they go on living in happiness and joy when the world was shattered. What was even more bizarre was that as time went on, hubby seemed to be more a part of their world and not mine. Like me, you are still grieving for your precious child and living with what I believe is the greatest nonphysical pain known to mankind. My hubby has also seemed to move at a faster pace than me in this process. But then I am grateful for his strength. His calm assurance that it is okay to reenter life. While I do not want this, I know it is necessary, and then am glad for his patient understanding.I am sorry for your hurt and pain, and for your having to know this pain. I know from others on his site who have traveled before us, that one day our pain will be less and our warm memories greater. This road is not easy and all I can give you is a warm cyber {{hug}}, and my full understanding. To tell you it is OK to feel the way you do, because you were her mom. Love,Maddy

[ericasmom]

All I can add here is that for new to this site people, with hearts that have broken like ours, you sure do gather and support each other and those of us longer on the route. Nice going and let yourselves feel what comes from that support given. It is a huge piece in your finding your steps, by aiding someone elses.

Kathy, the days leading up to that DATE, are filled with rocks and pits, just take care of your soul right now as Jess would want.

[Amani's_mommie]

On May 23, 2011 when I was 9 months pregnant and 3 cm dilated I slipped down the stairs and when I got to the hospital the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. I'm having a lot trouble dealing with the lost of my first born and I don't know what to do or who to talk. I don't really like opening up to anyone because they don't know how I feel. I need help because the pain from the loss is getting worse. I can't help to fell like I'm to blame. I feel like I failed as a mother because I couldn't protect her. Every night I dream of her and I just wish I could wake up and see her face one more time. Any suggestions on how to grieve?

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - I must be seeing things. A few minutes ago I hit reply and I thought a post from you appeared. I went back to try to read it before replying and there isn't a post. Did you post? Are you okay?

Kathy - I don't even know what to say. Part of me wants to defend Monty and the other part wants to kick his ass. Last year it was me who didn't put the dots together as Steph's date approached. Gary was supposed to be out of town but was hesitant to leave me during Steph's angelversary. When he reminded me what day it was, I felt so guilty for forgetting. I forgot for just a second, but who forgets THAT day? Obviously, me and Monty. I wouldn't have been as gracious with Gary, had he forgotten. He was kind to me...I fell apart when I realized I had forgotten. How's BJ these days?

Amani's mommy - unfortunately, there is no blueprint for grieving. Grief calls the shots. The best advice that was given to me was to not allow anyone to tell me how to grieve and/or how long to grieve. One of the things that has helped me immensely is coming here and talking, talking, talking. Tell us as much as you can about your little baby. Is Amani a boy or a girl? Did you have a funeral? Was there a baby's room ready? Do you have any support around you. Talk to us, new friend. Just talk.

For the newer people, this may not be necessary, but I feel the need to explain a little. Before the site name was changed from Beyond Indigo to Grieving.com; there were a few core members who stayed active on the site to help guide the way for those of us newer to the journey. Occasionally, a new member would join.....because the site was hard to find, membership didn't grow rapidly, so when a new member joined all were able to rally around him or her to offer support and encouragement. Since the name change, however, we get new members very quickly. Because they arrive so fast and in such high numbers, it is difficult to keep up with newer names, including your child's names. Still walking the path of grief, ourselves, some of the newer people (and even the older member's posts) get lost in the shuffle. Like Dee expressed, I am glad you are supporting each other and keep coming back. I say this because another mother on a different thread didn't feel supported and left quickly with her feelings hurt.

With this many people, from different walks of life, it is reasonable to assume once in a while someone will get their feelings hurt. However, I don't believe we hurt each other intentionally. Not here.

If you don't feel acknowledged, please just keep posting. I understand this forum isn't the answer to everyone's grief, but it was the answer for mine. Having so many join at one time can be a bit overwhelming...not because we don't want newer members - well, considering the reason someone joins this group we don't want newer members. Rather, we wish you didn't have reason to be here. Understanding the path of grief, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Having said that, all are welcome here. Please forgive the older members who seem to know so much about one another. We want to know you, too.

It helps to attach a picture of your child in the left column of your posts (avatar). It is also helpful to list your child's name and dates under the avatar. I like knowing their birthdate and angel date. It helps me remember how old they were and/or how old they would have been. Another thing that helped me a lot, especially in the beginning, is to sign your posts with your name, slash, your child's name. When there's so much to remember, it helps those of us with fewer brain cells to connect the dots.

Thanks!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. You are in the right place, there are many here that will do their best to help you with this grief process we all share, no matter what the age of our children. God has your baby angel, and you will see her again. You have not failed. We all have our "what ifs" to deal with, but don't let it keep you down. You have gone from having that sweet baby inside of you, with all the hopes and dreams and preparations you had made to give her a good life, to having her suddenly gone, and the emptiness of that loss is something we can all share with you. Love and hugs...

On May 23, 2011 when I was 9 months pregnant and 3 cm dilated I slipped down the stairs and when I got to the hospital the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. I'm having a lot trouble dealing with the lost of my first born and I don't know what to do or who to talk. I don't really like opening up to anyone because they don't know how I feel. I need help because the pain from the loss is getting worse. I can't help to fell like I'm to blame. I feel like I failed as a mother because I couldn't protect her. Every night I dream of her and I just wish I could wake up and see her face one more time. Any suggestions on how to grieve?

[Amani's_mommie]

Susannah/Stephanie's mom- she is a a girl and her room was set and ready for her. I haven't really had any support. Amani's father and his family turned their back on me after I lost her and family was never supported during my pregnancy and now they pretend it never happened so I don't really have anyone to talk to.

[Guest msnher]

Amani's mommy - You have someone to talk to now. You have lots of someones.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Amani's_mommie]

Jd's mom/Becky- Thank you and it feels like the emptiness gets worse as the days go by.

[Amani's_mommie]

Susannah/Stephanie's mom- Thank you

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I am so sorry you have had no support and still don't. You have us though, and we will be here for you. Share with us your feelings... we will not judge you as others may have.... but we'll listen to whatever you feel you can share, and it will help you to express it.

Jd's mom/Becky- Thank you and it feels like the emptiness gets worse as the days go by.