Loss of an Adult Child

[brin3d]

Aprilsmom

I read your post and the response of everyone else here and it just really angered me that Bobby would do this to your family. I have to wonder "how well you really know" him even though you say that you have known him for many years.

First, I take it that April and him were not married for long before the accident. Correct me if I am wrong. He hasn't worked in 14 months and was living off your daughter and obviously still is. She was the successful one and basically he had nothing. He was having contact with "DDD" prior to April's death. There is a lot of missing pieces here and the picture I see being formed isn't a very pretty one. I would wonder if he wasn't the same type of person "DDD" is. I can't say any of this is correct however from your post and reading it from the outside, that is the conclusions I draw from it.

Protect yourself and your family from a pair of people that will ultimately take advantage of a bond that Bobby has built with you.

Barb

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone,

I read about Aprilsmom's issues with the son-in-law. I am so sorry that not only are you dealing with the loss of your girl, but the loss too of someone you knew. WE all change when we are in grief, but it does sound as if he was taking advantage of his situation before your girl passed away. It is heart breaking to realize the character of some of the people we thought we knew. I know that as a grieving Mom, I had to take a long hard look at some of the people that just could not find a way to be a prt of the grieving time, and could not handle that grief had changed me. Oh well, I had to just figure that some people are truly fairweather friends. I have little time for those folks, and have found comfort in knowing that the people I am around by choice are those that can handle conversations that sometimes include my remembering how old Erica was when she first walked, or talked or ditched school. I refuse to put away all of my rememberings to protect those that cannot be reminded that some people die young.

To all the parents that have recently found themselves here, I pray for your hearts. We all know the road you are on, and we all know the help we have received from one another here. Life does continue on and with the freedom to discuss the pain, life will open itself to you again one day.

Peace,

dee

[maureensmom]

Aprilsmom - I too would be outraged. One thing I've noticed is that there are people in the world who are essentially weak, on some emotional level. They are influenced to a great degree by the people around them. So, April may have made Bobby temporarily a much better man than he really is. Now he's under some ugly influences, and his behavior has changed accordingly. It's too bad.

I'm having a bad morning. My son is developmentally delayed, so he really doesn't understand fully what has happened to Maureen. One of her friends told him that she would be his "new" sister. So last night, I commented that Maureen would have really liked something, and he referred to her as his "old sister". It hurt so much, but he just doesn't get it. Then I went back into this crazy worry that I would somehow just slowly forget her, like she never even existed in my life. I'm so sad.

Georgia

[kevsmom]

Saturday the 11th would have been my Kevin's 26th birthday (he died in a motorcycle accident on 6/21/05). I had myself pretty worked up all week before, crying a lot, dreading the day - but, as so many of you have said the days preceding a special day are harder than the day itself. We planned things over the weekend, releasing balloons, finding the perfect spot in the yard to place the stone (with a lovely poem etched into it) given to us by friends, and Sat evening we were invited to the family home of Kevin's girlfriend who was celebrating a family birthday. Sunday morning we (my husband,myself and K's girlfriend) went to church - the service was about healing (how appropriate).

It was a very hard weekend, so much emotion washing over me - I was exhausted by Sunday evening but, I feel that we began the painful process of creating new ways to acknowledge (hate to use the word celebrate) the special days that belonged only to him. He would be pleased - we all agree.

Irene

[julsmom]

Irene - I am glad you made it through the day. The days leading up to the special events do seem harder than the actual day. I like your word "acknowledge". It does seem better than celebrate - I'm still looking for a word for the days of the date of death. I'm not fond of angel date and it really isn't my idea of an anniversary so perhaps acknowledge or commemorate.

Georgia - You will never forget your daughter Maureen, nor anyone else will. She may slip into the recesses of some folks' memory to come out at a special time, but for you and her family she will always be with you.

Peace to all, Lynda

[rmcaggiano]

Wnf4ever

I haven’t been for about a week, I have been really sick, I was out of work for 7 days. I have felt aweful. I am trying to set up a new e-mail just so we can talk, I’ll get it.

I hope your doing o.k. Sorry, my posts have been so short. I am thinking of you everyday.

Rose (Nicholas mom)

[kirksdad]

Aprilsmom, in reading about your son-in-law and DDD I guess the death of a child is compounded by so many external things that it is just heartbreaking. I don't know what I would do, but I agree with others who say this SIL is probably somewhat on the paar with DDD. There is nothing you can do about it and that just makes it all the more painful. We wish the best for our kids and anyone that comes in contact with them. We hope that everyone involved with our kids feel the same loss that we do, but sometimes that just doesn't happen. It bring me back to the couple of kids at school with my daughter that told others Kirk deserved to die, what a thing to say, your SIL and DDD are those type of people. Some people will never understand. DDD sounds like a gold digging monster. The only solution here is to find out if he was cheating before, get an attorney and contest the will. Something that is going to be impossible without a lot of money, but if one had the money they could make life a living hell for her and him. I would see a lawyer and see what could be done, but of course you would have to have proof. Jim

[alice24]

Kevsmom: Your post hit me and I can relate to your feelings. My son, Hiram, passed on 12/11/04 at the age of 24 in a motorcycle accident. 2/11/06 I was at the gravesite and having a hard day.

It has been a long time since my last post but I have been reading everyday.

Mammabets: Hope you are well.

Alice

[wnf4ever]

Hi Rose -

I am sorry you have been so sick, and for it to last seven+ days, wow! I hope you are doing a little better. I think our "stress levels" are so high that we get anything that is lingering out there and it's stays with us a lot longer.

My doctor told me that with my arthritis (recently diagnosed in both hands!)- it came on because of the stress I'm under. Stress affects EVERYTHING, like it's not the worst we've ever had to go through in losing our children...

PLEASE get a hold of me, we really need to talk. I too, think of you every day. Take care of yourself and I'll wait to hear back from you.

Marty (Warren's mom)

[julsmom]

Rose I am sorry you are not feeling well. Yes stress does effect one's health. My husband is having heart trouble and we believe the stress of the last couple of years while not the only cause certainly of his problems has added to it.

Today is 28 months since Julie died. On a Monday like today, and as my husband was attending the same committee meetings he is at tonight. It was about this time that I began to get worried as her boyfriend kept calling saying he couldn't get in touch with her and that she should have been to our house by now. We ate supper, I did the dishes. I never thought that she was never coming home. I thought Mothers were supposed to know those things. Have a feeling that something is terribly wrong. Well not me, I just thought she got lost. It just hurts so much some times. I know I am better, but today is not one of those better days.

Peace, Lynda

[daveydow1]

Aprilsmom,

In an earlier post to you, I mistakenly referred to Bobby as

your son, rather that your son-in-law. Sorry for the error.

I feel so badly for you, that you are in this situation. What is Bobby's attitude

towards you? Is he indifferent or confrontational? It would be

very disturbing to think you knew him, only to find out that

he is a different person. Did you see any signs that there

was trouble in the marriage before April's death? I believe

you should seek legal advice, also, as others here at BI have

suggested. It is terrible that you have to go through this

much turmoil when you are in grief over dear April's passing.

You'll be in my prayers. Peace & comfort be with you.

[daveydow1]

Maureensmom,

Yes, I have had fears too, that I might forget my son, Davey,

but deep down, I know that he will never fade from my memory.

As a parent with a long-time experience with death of a child,

(our baby girl, Lisa, died of accidental choking 35 years ago),

I can say that my memory of her has not faded at all. I think

that the fear of forgetting is something many go through, but

that we do not forget. We are just fearful that something of

them, anything of them, may be lost and we would be so distressed

if that happened. I believe you will always keep Maureen in your

heart and soul. Thoughts & Prayers.

[daveydow1]

Alice24,

My prayers are with you in this difficult time of 2/11/06,

your dear son's birthday. It was nice that you were able

to share the day with other people who also loved him.

We just go one day at a time---that's all we can do. Peace.

[mom2angels]

{{{Georgia}}} ~ In some ways, I suspect that your son understands more than you or I do about “the other side.” I know that my sons always demonstrated a greater peace about the deaths in our family and among their friends than I did. And I know that Jonathan and Michael communicate now, because Jon talks about Michael all of the time and relays messages to us from Michael in his own unique ways. I imagine that Maureen is in touch with your son. But I truly understand your pain in not knowing exactly what he does know and feel. Your fear of forgetting Maureen seems fairly common among grieving parents. I’ve felt that fear about my son as well. But, I assure you that fear is unfounded. Maureen is a part of you, and you will never forget her. I pray your sadness is much less today and will be even less tomorrow.

{{{Irene}}} ~ The days leading up to the event are definitely the most difficult in my experience too. Your acknowledgement (that is a good word) of Kevin’s birthday sounds lovely, and I’m sure he is pleased with the loving ways that you remember him.

{{{Lynda}}} ~ A new language seems to accompany grief, as we struggle to find the words, which make us feel comfortable, and a term for significant dates. For my son, “Angel Date” and “received his wings” are appropriate. I sometimes have a difficult time saying that Michael “died.” He left his physical body, which ceased working, but he didn’t die. His spirit is still very, very much alive. I also refer to his death as his transition or crossing over. The words/terms that I use are based upon my spiritual beliefs. I hope you find the right words, the ones that fit you best, for those significant days.

I’m so sorry that you are recalling the sad memories of that Monday 28 months ago. I know how hard that is and how impossible it is to avoid those recollections. It’s especially tough when the date and the day of the week coincide. Fridays and Sundays are the hard days for me, not as intensely as they once were, but the memories are still there. My heart goes out to you.

{{{Rose}}} ~ Sending healing prayers for you. I pray that you are feeling much better very soon. Please take extra good care of yourself.

{{{Alice}}} ~ I’m so sorry that you had a hard day when you visited Hiram, but I am glad to see you posting and sharing with us. My thoughts are with you, and I pray that your pain is a bit less today.

{{{Jim}}} ~ What an awful thing those school kids said about Kirk, but I hope that you considered the source and gave those comments no importance.

{{{Marty}}} ~ You’re absolutely right that stress affects every cell in our bodies, and it definitely is a trigger for arthritis. You have my empathy, as I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I know it’s quite painful. Diet can be helpful in managing arthritis, and there are also some supplements that are beneficial.

It’s so important for all of us to take care of our selves physically, because the tremendous stress we are under makes us vulnerable. So, let’s all: Eat well, drink plenty of water, take vitamins and supplements, and get a little exercise as often as possible.

To All {{{Friends}}} ~ Praying for your peace and comfort today and everyday~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I read all of the posts since yesterday, so many voices here, so much to say. I know the feeling Georgia of worrying about forgetting. My daughter Erica was killed in a train on car accident in July of 2003. I think when I started having days with less of the replaying of the events, I began to think i was forgetting Eri. I realized that when some of the horror begins to get a softer edge, it feels like forgetting but it isn't it is simply getting ready to let go of some of the pain. NO, not get rid of the pain,ust some of the more acute pain. For me, it was letting go of the moment to moment replay of the phone call from the Trauma Center, the drive to Michigan, being put in the little room, all of those events. They will never go away, but I did not need to breathe them in and out like air any longer. They were nolonger the memories that allowed me to be near ERica, and when they softened, the more lovely memories had room to play. Now, more than 2.5 years later, I know I will never forget the nuances of Erica, holding her big hands, her beautiful smile,the freckle on her iris, her amazingly loud laugh...You will carry your chld with you each day, and if things soften know that it is only part of the process.

My heart and fwish for peace to you all,

dee

[enufalreddy]

Today was very rough. A lot of tearsI wonder sometimes just how important some things are really. Like money for instance and material things. I've had money and things and I've been poor and without. Having money or things never made the difference in how happy I was.What is truly of value to me? People, spirituality ,nature. My sense of well being doesn't come from how others treat me but from how I treat others.People can betray me but they can't hurt me unless I let them have the power to effect my feelings.Granted I may react in the immediate negatively but given time to gather my wits and consider the long term ...most people and events have no hold on my serenity.If I trust God and do my part I can handle most any situation that comes my way.The death of my son's body has been the most devastating event of my life besides my daughter being molested.Both I think are things that will take a lifetime of healing.I fear losing my mind if I don't try to maintain this type of thinking. And I don't want to be poisoned by resentment. I don't want to have my brain held captive by someone who does wrong to me. Let me be free and pray they will grow a conscience and be punished by their own wrongdoings.Way too philosophical for my own good tonight. Told you it was a bad day. But I feel ok right now.Five minutes from now I may be in tears again. Right now I am ok.I love you Walter. I miss you. And I wish you were alive with all my being. It's my mantra for today. Please forgive my ventings. But I need to........Erma

[dannyboysmom]

Hi my name is Linda, I lost my 21 year old son on January 24,2005, after he suffered injuries from a snowmobile accident he had just turned 21 that month on the 6th it is hard to believe that he is gone he had so much to do so many people that loved him, I keep hoping it is a nightmare I will wake up from, this happens to other people not to me I keep telling myself, sometimes I think I will just give in an go insane then I won't have to go through this endless pain he is on my mind every minute every second of the day or night. Sometimes I just want a break from it all, if not for my daughter I think I would consider joining him , Life will never be the way it was, The holidays were horrible his birthday was just unbearable I don't think this pain will ever end sometimes I wonder how I get up and do the things I do, and sometimes I just don't do anything at all. The loss of a child is the worst thing anyone could go through why we were choose to do this I will never know, God bless all of you that are enduring the pain of the loss of your children. Linda

[julsmom]

Linda - I am sorry for your loss. You will find a lot of support here for what you are going through. Some of us have found the second year to be harder than the first as the numbness wears off and the reality sets in. May you find peace. My 27 y/o daughter died in a one car crash on 10/13/03.

Erma - you seem to have a good positive attitude. You are right. We can only be responsible for our feelings and reactions. To let someone else dictate our reactions would be to let thme have power over us.

Lynda

[mamabets]

For Dannysboymom- I am Betsy, or mamabets, and I came to check in on my family here at Beyond Indigo and found you here tonight...Linda, another Mom... Dannyboysmom. You see, my Danny Boy left this earth in June of 2004. He was 25, and while I am so sad that this seems to be the way that all of us meet here, I applaud your courage to reach out to us, because we will help you when you feel as if you just can't help yourself. We know all that you feel and we all know who you are now, because we too have been dealt life's cruelest blow. However, where our boys are now, there is none of this pain. Our lives here are very unfair at times. Our kids lives were very unfair too. This place called "here, there and everywhere", where I believe all of our angels move to as they live on, isn't. I hold on to that thought most of the time, and it helps me tremendously. You will meet the most wonderful people right here, and you will be comforted when all else in your world has failed you and everyone it it. God Bless you, Linda, and I welcome you with open arms and an open heart...xoxomamabets

[Artina]

Linda (Dannyboysmom),

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a son from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident on January 4, 2002- he was just 19. I too miss him very much. It was my living son that gave me the strength to put my feet on the floor every single day- up to today. It has been over four years now and when I read your post I could see just how far I have come from the beginning. In the first couple of years I didn't think I would ever find myself again, because I was so lost in the pain. However, I did. Somehow, somewhere, my life started to create a "new" familiar. One that I could set goals (however big or small) and one that allowed me to find bubbles of happiness, which I absorb for energy on days that feel like I won't make it. I have learned that I can live life side by side with my grief and that I don't have to choose between them. Each day adds up tools that you can't see, but will get you somewhere further from where you are right now. Keep taking those little steps and you will get blurps of "hope".

Be sure to take what works from this forum and leave what does not. We are here to support each other and only offer tools that have worked for each one of us... with the hopes of helping another. We are all unique to our grief process and thus we all have different needs.

Peace to you, Tina

[rhonda68]

Hello Linda, I lost my son Richard at the age of 19 in a trajic car accident just February 23,2005. The heartache is unbearable,unimaginable, I had a very rough day today as I am remembering all the things we did this time last year it seems like yesterday little did I know then these would be the last days to spend with my son. I sure dont know what I would have done without this site as the people on here are a part of my family they have helped me so much and I only hope I can do as much for someone as they have helped me. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Love,

Richards Mom oct 9,1985 - feb 23,2005

[maureensmom]

Dear Linda (Dannyboysmom):

Welcome to BI. Like the other parents here, I feel so bad about your loss. My 20yo daughter Maureen died of an accidental drug overdose (I think; we don't have a death certificate yet) on December 8, 2005. In many ways, my life just stopped that morning. I'm still trying to figure out how to pull the pieces together just long enough to get through a day. Maureen was always so involved in Valentine's day - she was so sentimental and so warm. Her fiance called me last night, crying so hard I could hardly understand him. What an awful day. But this web site has saved my life. No matter where you are in your grief process, I believe that the love and caring from other parents can enfold you in a blanket of understanding. I got to talk here about things that even my husband found too painful to discuss. Here I am in the middle of the night, crying about my daughter, but at least I have somewhere to go where other mothers feel just like I do.

Georgia

[danielsmom]

Linda, I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my son Daniel on April 17,2005 in a car accident, he was just 19 years old.This site has been so helpful to me, these are truly the only people who understand what I am going through.

Wendy

[maskott]

Linda...I can't add anything more than everyone else has. There are no magic words to make things better. Talking helps, though. My son died six months ago. It seems like forever, and yet seems just like it was yesterday. I am truly sorry that you have to go through this, just as I am sorry that we all have to bear this pain. Keep us in mind when you are having a bad day and let us help you through it. We have all had those bad days and I know I will have many more. Venting here sometimes is the only thing that keeps me sane. Hope you can manage to have a few peaceful minutes. By the way...like you, Matthew is on my mind the minute I wake up until I finally fall asleep. I don't think there is a minute that I am not thinking about him.

BettyAnn

[midhar]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here and do not know everyone very well but I have in common the loss of my children. One to heaven Patti 37 and the other to prison Chris 35 for her death. When I tell people that they shy away from me as if I did something to cause this. Chris is Bi-Polar Manic Depressive. She has never been violent towards any of the family before that night. She has stopped taking her medications for some reason as she was always very diligent to take them and on time.

I will never understand the why of this in my lifetime.

It happened 5-6-99 and I can tell you it does soften but you never forget them. I still think about them all the time I have just learned how to live around the painful hole in my heart.

I did not want to live the first few years. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

The second year was my hardest. Reality set in that this was the way things were going to be. If I had not had Patti's son Jimmy our only grandchild to

finish raising I do not know if I would still be here though I love my husband very much and I did not want to hurt him anymore than he was hurting already. She also shot him when he took the gun away from her. He died 2 times once on the helicopter and he said he went to a place that was so peaceful that there is not a word in the dictionary to describe it. They did nothing to bring him back then and when he came back he was very angry because he wanted to stay where he was but instead he was back to all the pain. He was in the hospital for 7 weeks and it took him 8 months to heal completely as they could not close him up and he had to heal from the inside out. He died again in the hospital and they brought him back. He is doing pretty good now. We have been married 44 years and if not for our faith in the Lord which is even stronger today I know we would not have made it.

My heart hurts for all of us having suffered the most pain a body can with stand the loss of a child.

Know I care and sorry this is so long Jeni

[mamabets]

For Danielsmom- Hi Wendy, I am Betsy-mamabets, and my Danny left here in June of 2004- He is now in his "land of make believe come true", and we are left to carry on here without him. But, he is with us all of the time, and I always feel him close. I honored his departure, in that I always honored him and our relationship while he was here. In time, I found that some of the things that have always been so familiar between Danny and myself still remain to this day... I just have to grow accustomed to how he is now and where he is now. I don't ever have to "accept" his death, but rather believe in him still with all of the love that we have always had for each other!! He lives on in a way that he never dreamed possible and for that I am grateful... I miss him every second of every hour of every day, but will now follow him on his journey and his guidance until it is my time to leave this earth. I try to keep this walk as simple as possible, because if I find myself in my own way, I get all fouled up and it often results in feeling as if I am forced to start this process all over again, which is certainly not the case. I am just much more "life sensitive" these days, and will be for forever more. We are here for you and don't ever hesitate to come to us for some comfort... The love between all of us here will truly help to carry you through... xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Midhar- I think about you so much and hope that you are finding the comfort here that has helped us all to somehow get through each day... You are an inspiration, as your story of pain seems to go beyond...A double whammy, topped with some more, and I wish that I had some answers, but I do not. For you to try to live around the hole in your heart, as you have put it, seems to be what ultimately could be what all of us could strive for, one hour at a time. God Bless you...xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Dannyboysmom,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Danny. You

are right---losing a child is the absolute worst thing

to ever happen to a person in their lifetime. It makes

us different people. Many times, others do not understand

the depth of our grief and how it can overwhelm us. My son

David lost his life at age 31 in a terrible wreck in June '03.

I think of him all the time. I do hope you will return here

to BI. Everyone here is so nice, and coming to BI since my

son's death has helped me so much. Please read and post whenever

you feel the need. My prayers are for your peace & comfort.

Sherry-----mom of Davey 9-26-71 *** 6-14-03

[enufalreddy]

Hello friends. Tomorrow is my son's birthday. He would have been 33. Walt was so handsome. Strong...he worked out all the time when he was trying to stay clean. He was one of the most talented tattoo artists in the business. He is gone and his work is still winning awards. But he couldn't handle life. He was too sensitive,anxious,perfectionist....and he drowned his feelings in drugs and alcohol. And they betrayed him...leading him to his death. There is nothing I wouldn't give or do to have him back here to have another chance at life. To raise his daughter, learn to deal with stress without a crutch, and fulfill whatever his destiny was supposed to have been in this world. He is in that other world now. The one with peace and love beyond human understanding.So I suppose that to wish him back here is cruel...selfish maybe.I can't help it. This weekend my granddaughter and her mother are coming to stay. Sarah wants to make a birthday cake for her Daddy and I am going to help her.She is 8 years old and they were so very closely bonded. Thank God I have a little piece of Walt left here on earth in Sarah. I pray that we all find some peace of some kind. It seems to be such an elusive gem. Peace and love to all who share my plight and my pain. And thank you for being here so I am not alone out here on this rickety old branch by myself............Erma

[vikigee]

Hi (((All))). I'm brand new, and just cruising the boards. And I just wanted to say that each of your stories has touched me, and I've sent up prayers for each and every one of you. And as crazy as this may sound...no, I have not lost a child. But guess what? I lost my mother when I was just a teenager, and right after that, my older and only brother was shot in the head when the gas station where he worked was robbed. And immediately after that, my only grandparent (my maternal grandmother) that I ever really knew died. I was totally emotionally INSANE, and I admit it. So insane, in fact, that I "accidently" overdosed on my mother's Valium. (Long story I won't bore you with.) All of these losses when I was so young were, in fact, part of the very CLEAR decision I made to NOT have any children. Because I knew that if I lost a child "too"...I just couldn't/wouldn't survive. Of course, this was a tough decision. But as it turns out, it was RIGHT for me. Now, 3 decades later, I'm back on "solid ground", and work as a grief recovery volunteer! But as I read your posts, I read "my worst fears"-honestly. So PLEASE *KNOW*-I am here, praying for you all and thinking of you. And my heart is strengthened by the "hand up" you're all giving to one another. It's SO BEAUTIFUL! Clearly YOUR KIDS must all be together in heaven-and that's how you all found one another "here"! Oh YES! I do believe that. And I just wanted you to know you have EVEN MORE PRAYERS AND GOOD THOUGHTS today than you did yesterday!

HANG IN THERE, and remember: "It only hurts as much as it once felt good". (That really helps me deal with the pain insofar as all of my losses.)

(((Mothers and Fathers who've lost their kids)))

With the love that never ends,

your spiritual sis

(\O/) viki (\O/)

[Artina]

Vikigee,

I am very sorry for your losses. I can't imagine losing a parent at such a young age and then turn around and lose your brother. What a shame.

Thank you for your support. It sounds like you went through a lot at a very young age. I too would have opted out the child path if I would have lost as you did. I know that after losing a child that life does not reflect the same pure light that it once did. Loss makes the heart and mind "rethink" what it once knew. Loss can really create or destroy ones work on Earth. Your story helps shine some positive light on how to create life after loss. Thank you.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Erma,

I just wanted to send you a hug today in light of Walt's Birthday. I know the days surrounding birthdays can be as difficult as the actual day. Be easy on yourself.

Peace to you, Tina

[ashleysmom]

Erma, You are in my thoughts and prayers today. Happy birthday in Heaven to Walt! May you find peace (and Joy) in your memories and with your granddaughter, Love, Dottie

[kathy714]

Dear Erma,you will be in my thoughts today,hope you find some peace today ,on your dear sons birthday,my son Nathan's birthday was Jan,31st,we sent off 22 balloons from down my dock,it was Nathan's favorite place during the summertime,he spent so much time there growing up.My prayers are with you and your family...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[maureensmom]

Dear Erma - hugs and prayers for you today. I know you will get through it, just remember how much you loved Walt, and how much you love him still. I'm certain that drug addiction and alcoholism are primary illnesses, not just coping mechanisms. If your son could have prevented himself from that slide into catastrophe, he would have done so... he would never have wanted to leave you, just as Maureen would never have left me voluntarily.

[kathy714]

Dear Dannyboysmom,i am so sorry for the recent loss of your son Danny,reading your post,brought flashbacks of me last year at this time,My son Nathan passed away on Jan,31st,on his 21st birthday,police found him in a bank parking lot,after leaving a small neighborhood bar,with someone he didn't know,it was only 10 degrees that night.I remember all so well that feeling,that this can not be happening,this kind of thing does not happen to me,every day i would wake up and say to my husband,"I was hoping this was a bad dream" then i would realize this was real.Now a year has past and sometimes it feels like just yesterday this happened,and other days it feels like it's been forever since i have seen my Nathan.I am very thankful that i found Beyond Indigo ,this site has saved my life,i hope you too will find the support from others here,we all understand,we all are on the same journey...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[julsmom]

Erma - sending out hugs and peaceful thoughts to you today. What a wonderful thing to bake a cake with your granddaughter. peace, Lynda

[mamabets]

For Enufalready- Happy Birthday to you, Walt!! We will help to care for all of your loved ones here, the best way that we know how. You are a special soul and we will always make sure that you live on, and on, and on...We love you!! xoxomamabets

[deewithgreeneyes]

I came across this website several months ago after my mom had died. She died 5 months ago. We were very close. The most unimanginable thing has happened after that loss, my beautiful 28 year old daughter was killed 3 weeks ago in a surfing accident. Her leash got caught on a rock and she drowned leaving behind a beautiful 2year old girl. My daughter and I were not only mom and daughter but she was my best friend. She helped me take care of my mom here at home, we supported each other after mom died, leaned on each other, LOVED EACH OTHER. The grief I feel is overwhelming, totally overwhelming. I came home with her things yesterday...and still in the process of packing my beautiful mother's belongings...now I have my beloved daughters. I have no support system in my immediate area as I moved in my mom's to help her when she was dying. I feel like I cannot go on.....

[mamabets]

For Deewithgreeneyes- I have read your posts on other forums and was so drawn to the green eyes... My husband's name is Dean and he has beautiful green eyes... My God, I am so brokenhearted for your 2 losses... Where do you live? I don't know what to say, except keep coming here, as much as your strength will allow, because this place has literally saved my life at times. Think of the little one when you become so desperate...She needs you. My daughter Jackie has a 6 year old daughter who had just turned 5 when her "Uncle", my son Danny, Jackie's brother, left this earth, and I did get strength from the stories that Julia told us all about her "talking to Uncle", her "playing with Uncle", her "having lunch at school with Uncle", and her "telling Uncle to stop ruining her puzzles"- There is no question that his spirit has been with her on a very regular basis since the day after he passed on. This is a pain beyond words and these first few months seem to be riddled with a torture that just proves to us how unfair and cruel life very often is. Are you close to your grandaughter in proximity?? Please keep reaching out to us... We are all here for you, Dee...xoxomamabets

[maskott]

Deewithgreeneyes...I am so sorry for your losses. To have two of them so close together is unfathomable for me. I can't even say that I know how you feel. Your daughter's death is so recent, you must still be in shock over that. My heart and prayers are with you. I know you feel that you can't go on at times. Come here and talk and you will find that you have the strength within you. I remember the helpless feeling so well. I still have those days. Remember your grandaughter and let her give you the strength to make it through each second of the day. Peace be with you-whenever you can find it.

BettyAnn

[rmcaggiano]

Wnf4ever and Julsmom

Hello to you both, Julsmom, thank-you for your thoughts on my being ill. I’m

Not sure what is wrong, I just cant’ seem to kick this thing. I did talk to my

Doctor though, and I did find out some rather “disturbing” new from her, she stated

To me that somewhere either within the first year or shortly thereafter, parents such

As “all of us” who have lost a child, either get very ill both mentally or physically and

Quite often stay physically drained. Well, I know I don’t ever feel well anymore.

I know my Nicholas has been gone since May 8th 2005, and it still takes everything

I have just to get out of bed and go to work everyday, and I manage a Mental Health

Facility and I see a lot everyday.

Marty, I am thinking of you, I only have access to a computer at work and for some

Reason I can’t get an e-mail account outside of the company, but, I’m working

On something……I PROMISE!

Thank-you both again for thinking of me.

Rose

[mamabets]

For rmcaggiano- Bless your heart- This journey of yours has not been able to cut you some slack yet, but soon it will. These days where you can barely move are so normal and I know how hard it is to try and feel like you are getting nowhere. I am a patient with the Carolinas Medical center- Behavioral Health, and they have helped me so much. I love and admire people like you who try to help so many thankless people- I wrote a letter of thanks to the head of the hospital here after a stay, after Danny died. They truly are an amazing group of dedicated people. Are you on any medicine? I have been for quite some time, and will always be. I am leveled out, for the most part, and am certainly thankful that my Danny is at a place of eternal peace, comfort and happiness. I know that he is and my life with him continues, just on his terms now, and they are heavenly terms... All good, no bad. Your Nicholas too, he is with you always... Please keep coming here and let us know how you are holding up- We are here for you always!! xoxomamabets

[rmcaggiano]

Mamabets

Thank-you for your post. Sometimes working here can be gut-wrenching……….

I will NEVER forget a telephone call I received last fall, a Mother who called me

Screaming, she had just lost her 21 yr. old son to an overdose, she kept saying to

Me over and over and over……….”NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND AND NO

ONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL” Well………..I DID! I told her I too lost my son the

EXACT SAME WAY.

Yes, I do take medication now, it seems quite often though, I have probably more to

Drink also than I should. Sometimes I think maybe I’ll go into oblivion and somehow

Hear my Nicholas or something………….however NOTHING ever works, which

I’m sure you know.

Thank-you for being here.

Rose

[wnf4ever]

Hi Rose -

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time and not feeling well at all. Believe me, I can relate. I know all of us here can. I have had the same things - there is absolutely no motivation, no WILL to do anything. I think of Warren constantly and I'm just plain sad ALL of the time. Warren NEVER failed to make me laugh and I so, so miss that...I always feel as though I want to scream at those people that say to me, "You are doing good today" - "NO! I'm not!! Do you understand what an effort it was for me to simply get out of bed this morning??" I'm just plugging along and doing the best I know how to do. Most days I just head home after work and fall into that same depressed state that I've been in since I lost my Warren on May 17, 2005. I find myself talking to him a lot when I am home alone and I cry a lot!! Somehow I get through work, but I think if I took more time off (as those close to me suggested when I got REALLY bad only a month or so ago and did, in fact COME CLOSE to being with Warren), I would finally go and be with Warren. I find myself isolating (my doctor tells me "don't isolate") because I most times am unable to handle the happiness I see in others. The only access I have to a computer is at work, as well. I've since moved out of my fiances house and am now dealing with living alone, for the first time ever. I know that you and I have so much to share and I would really like to talk!!

[julsmom]

Rose I am sorry that you still feel unwell. I hope that you can find something that will help with your physical wellbeing. Please take care of yourself, no one else will. Peace, Lynda

[deewithgreeneyes]

I want to thank you for your response. I have been reading the previous posts and I see that there are many surviving mom's that wanted to end their lives as well. Now I am not ashamed to tell you all that I was admitted to a psych ward for a 72 hour suicide watch. I've been so ashamed to admit this but now I am not. I don't think it was that I wanted to end my life but I wanted to end this pain. I still feel the same way to me it is still unbelievable when I look at the pictures taken this past Mother's day with my mom and daughter together smiling. Now they are both gone. I am afraid to be alone at night for fear I won't be able to tolerate this pain. I am so sorry for all of your pain, all of you.

[mamabets]

For deewithgreeneyes- I, too, tried to end my life right after my Danny died. I took an overdose of pills and all I wanted to do was ZOOM into where he was, because I knew that he wanted one of my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches... He thought that I made the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because they were so "smooth"- Funny-!! Suicide attempts, I have found, are moments lost in extremely painful lifetimes, and what is left behind a successful one is just agony, for the moment between life and death determines all of it. Our loved ones know no more torture and that is the key that causes me to survive today... And, in surviving, I have found that once again, a world of people need me, and for this survivor, that feels good once again. I live to be needed, and Danny needs for me to carry on. If that makes any sense... I am so sad for where you are at this very moment, I truly am- I do, however, believe that there is a purpose somewhere here that will show itself to you soon... In the meantime, feel free to e-mail me anytime- I will be honored to keep you company ...xoxomamabets

[Artina]

Deewithgreeneyes,

I am so sorry for your loss. We suffer the most unimagineable loss- the loss of a child. To this day, I fear the reality that I am always one step a head of. I have learned to live life side by side with my grief... but I don't stop to look at exactly what that means.

In the first year, I thought of taking my life. The only life line that kept me going was my living son- I couldn't bare to leave him dealing with the loss of not only his brother, but his mother. This is why I choose to put my feet on the floor everyday. After almost four years I am glad that I didn't choose to take my life. I have found some happiness and some hope, which gives me the strength to move forward each day. Just do one minute at a time... that is all you can do right now.

We are here for you and offer our support. We are all at

different stages of our grief and we all have different ways to support each other. Please take what works for you and leave what does not.

Peace to you, Tina

[daveydow1]

Erma,

You are in my prayers today on your dear son Walt's birthday.

Take care of yourself, and peace be with you.