Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For Mom2angels- My God, I have missed you- I have a fear that you will go away and leave us and I would be oh so sad... I know that your life is different than ours now, and may be forever, but you are such an angel here on earth- I don't know if you are even aware of it yourself!! I know in the deepest part of my being, that you never really question it all, and that is Heaven sent for so many of us. My life, as I now know it, changed the day you appeared on this road with me... I can't explain it, but because it is you, it needs no explanation. Given your situation, Ros, I have no doubt that the day will come when all of the gifts that you have given to all of us, will come back to you tenfold... And, you will need us too. PLEASE don't ever feel that you aren't contributing , or that we don't jump when we see you. I am going to pray harder and harder and harder until I know that you hear, just like you do for us. I have missed you and not having you here would just be very hard for me. xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Mominagony- Try, if you can, to just be still, and meet Roslyn... Mom2angels- She has a way of comforting, and they say, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears"- She is a messenger, if you will, and is very "something"- Angelic!! Hang in, and just keep coming here.....xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- Hi Kath- I am with you, my friend... You are strong, when I am not, and I am proud to be in your corner of this world of ours. You help me by always coming back here, day after day, with all that you have going on.Prayers and peace, somehow ,to you ...xoxomamabets

[julsmom]

Linda – First I am so sorry for your loss. My 27 year old daughter died in on October 13, 2003. She too had always driven standard shift, but recently (hadn’t even made the first payment) bought a Ford Focus which was an automatic. My husband went to the site last October and said one or two seconds might have made the difference. We too believe it was a lapse in judgment. I am sorry for all your pain. Like all the others, there are so many similarities. John's mother died just 10 months before Julie. Our 31 year old son lives in another state and we don’t like to “dump” on him. And my name is Lynda, too. May we all find peace.

[enufalreddy]

Dear Mom2angels........I hope you won't mind that I printed out your post. It means so much and is so comforting. I want to be able to read it when I crumble.Because I know it will help. You must have a wonderful faith. Thank you for your compassionate heart and your willingness to share it with us. I surely needed to read it today and am going to save your words. God bless you and everyone who comes here or is in our position in life. ....Erma

[maureensmom]

Dear Mominagony, My heart aches for you, and for all of us here at BI. I lost my beautiful 20yo daughter Maureen to an accidental drug overdose seven weeks ago. Like you, there are times when I think that I just can't bear the heartache. But I loved what Mom2angels said here. Sometimes I have to cling to other people's faith, because I'm convinced that God speaks to me through the people who love me. One of my friends told me that Maureen had only left her earthly body. Everything else about Maureen still existed, including her amazing love for me, her father, and her little brother.

When I opened BI this morning, I felt like I didn't even want to live anymore. Maureen's fiance is coming over this afternoon to get a blanket and a stuffed bear of Maureen's... He is in so much agony that all we do is cry on the phone together. I want to help him, it's what Maureen would have wanted, I know, but it's so hard.

But all of you are right - there are signs of my girl, all I have to do is pay attention. I was in Galveston this weekend, walking on the seawall by the ocean, dark, cold, windy, when an older man passed me while jogging. He gave me one of those impossibly cheery greetings, asked me how I was, and I said: not so hot, and began to cry. He stopped, started to talk to me.... and it turned out that he had lost his 17yo grandson last year. He walked with me for an hour, consoling me. Isn't that amazing? What are the odds of something like that happening by accident? Thank you, Maureen.

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}~

First, I’m so grateful that my thoughts and prayers are comforting to you. ~ Erma ~ I am honored that you have printed out my message, and I pray that it will help you in your times of need. Those words flowed effortlessly from me, and I know that my hands were guided to type them.

Perhaps I should clarify what I meant when I said that I felt that I couldn’t contribute in a meaningful way to some of the conversations here.

Michael’s life was different in so many ways from the lives of your children. He didn’t have a girlfriend/fiancé, wife. He didn’t play sports, wear cologne, drive, etc. And my life is different as well. I don’t have (nor will I have) grandchildren. So, when you chat about these topics, which I enjoy reading, I have nothing to contribute, so I do not join in.

Additionally, my grief journey is different from yours, as I had many years to prepare for my son’s passing, so it was not unexpected. In fact, Jim and I made the decision to remove life support, so in essence, we facilitated Michael’s transition. And we were with him when he passed.

Unlike all of you, I pray the unnatural prayer that my children will die before me. In fact, after I posted last night, Jim and I discussed our fears of dying before Jonathan. We shed many tears together last night, because the thought of losing Jonathan is just as painful to us as dying before him and leaving his care in the hands of strangers. No doubt, Jon would join us shortly, but it is our desire to be with Jonathan when he passes as we were with Michael.

As I was writing to you all last night, Jim put on a CD of Native American flute music, which is Michael’s music. Michael listened to this CD at home, then every day in the hospital, the day of his transition ceremony, the day he received his wings as we were bathing and dressing him for the last time, and at his memorial service. This is sacred music to us.

But I told Jim that I didn’t feel strong enough to hear it. Jim insisted that this is Michael’s music, and it needs to be played and heard. When the most incredible, hauntingly beautiful version of Amazing Grace began, I left the computer and sat upon the top of our stairs, listening and weeping.

At the conclusion of the song, I returned to Jim and sobbed in his arms for a while. I had not cried that hard for a very long time. Exhausted and spent, I told him that this is why I cannot listen to Michael’s music. And Jim, with his inimitable wisdom, replied, “You needed that. It’s out now. More healing will begin.”

I can only begin to imagine the pain each of you must endure, with the sudden and tragic losses of your beloved children. But Jim’s advice is applicable to all of you as well that you need to get it out to let the healing begin. It is healthy that you are all here doing just that.

And, where I am able to offer my thoughts and prayers to help you in that healing process, I will be here. No worries, Betsy, as I do not intend to disappear. I am positive that I was led to BI at this time for many reasons.

My spiritual strength is derived from Jonathan and Michael. Through them, I am blessed with unconditional love and have been graced to witness many miracles. I am an instrument of God as their mother and careprovider, and I know that without my connection to and communication with God, I would be utterly lost.

My prayer candle is burning now, representing the light of all of our children. Their light shines on. May each of you feel the warmth of your child’s eternal light radiating on you, and know that your child is always with you. Always. Angels are among us. And Maureen’s mom just shared evidence of that fact.

Thank you Mary and Kathy for your kind words.

May God grant each of you peace and comfort today and everyday~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[julsmom]

Roslyn, what a beautiful posting, what a painful posting. I am sorry that you have had to and continue to wait for a child's death. We cannot know what it is like to pray that unnatural prayer of wanting to outlive our children. However, your pain, your grief, your sorrow is no less nor no different than ours. You know us as we know you. We hold hands together, pray for each other, hold one other up and celebrate those things that we can. May we all find peace in each other and within ourselves. Lynda

[mominagony]

Dear all.....

A quick thank you to you all. I wrote 2 lengthy posts and all were

sent into cyberspace! I will try again later........

I just wanted you all to know how much I appreciate your welcome

and loving responses to my message of yesterday.

More later....

With blessings and love,

Linda

[Artina]

Roslyn,

Your heart is so loving... hugs to you.

Peace and light- Tina

[bokenhearted]

To All

I have just been reading your posts over the last few days. I have cried heaps reading them. We really are a family here as we all have an ache that is indescribable in words but at the same time we know in our heart and soul what it is like.

I am fairly new to this site but I feel that I can come here and be welcomed with open arms and I thankyou all for that.

Take care everyone

Jo

[daveydow1]

Mominagony,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, only 8 mo. ago.

You have been through so much loss in your life, and I hope

that you will continue to come to BI. You are so much of an

inspiration to all of us in this sad journey we find ourselves

on. Give yourself a lot of TLC. I am 2 and a half years into

this journey after my son died June 14,2003. Also had a 6-mo.

old baby girl who died some 30 yrs. ago. The pain is always

there, but I guess we just get somewhat stronger and live with

it a bit better. Please come back to BI. We all know that each

and every person's input helps us along the way. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Mom2angels,

Thank you for your wonderful prayers and words of hope.

Peace and prayers.

[mominagony]

Dear All......

I so appreciate all of your kind words and thoughts. Please forgive me

if I don't acknowledge each of you individually...but I was stunned to

read so many similarities/parallels in my and other's loss of their

child.

How do you all do it? Get up and face each day...wearing a "mask"

and telling others when they ask how we are - "we're okay....hanging in there"...when all we want is to scream out in pain. The fact that life

goes on for all around us when ours stopped the day our child died just

adds insult to injury. There are times I want to scream "please stop...

acknowledge my pain...I am NOT okay." I am so tired of trying to play

normal when nothing....absolutely nothing....is normal.

There is no way I would ever wish this pain on anyone. As much as I

want my Matt back, he will never...ever...suffer like this. I ask him

every day to help his Mom. Help me to know that he's okay...in a peaceful

place. I was told that Matt only experienced his death one time and I

am experiencing it day in and day out. My mind won't rest. There are

times when I smile at a memory but those good thoughts don't come

often enough. My thought processes are upside down and inside out. Will

I ever truly find peace of mind again? Just as I was bouncing back from

all of my other losses, my child dies. How cruel is that?

I'm sorry if I added to your sadness. It is not my intent. I have been

assured I'm not losing my mind....my thoughts and anguish are expected

and normal. It's just that I'm afraid of the next 3 months....and 6 months...

and year after year. Sigh.......

You are all brave souls...and strong. I pray for your strength and for

peace of mind. Please say a prayer for mine....

Blessings,

Linda

[ameliasmom]

mominagony, Linda, I must get asked that question at least 20 times a day and I know they mean well but I also want to scream sometimes and say stop asking me. I am not okay now, not an hour from now, not tomorrow or the next day or even the next year. I finally told my boss today that it doesn't matter how I look or act, I am always screaming and hurting inside. It hurts to the core. So much so, I don't take it all in yet. I tell myself I can't. It still comes every day, all day sometimes, but it is not all of the pain, I can't let it be. I prayed for God to do a miracle last week and raise Amelia from the dead. Crazy isn't it? But when I prayed it, I meant it. I realized what I was asking for right after that and was concerned I had really lost it. Some others had told me that prayer was not uncommen. I miss Amelia and still turn around to see if she might be sitting on the steps watching me. A place where she used to come home and sit and talk to me. I look for her in her bedroom where I have been sleeping. I beg her to come back to me to tell me she is with God and happy and doesn't want to come home even if she could. But she doesn't come. I look for signs and think I saw more right after she died than I have lately. I am sorry you hurt so much. I really don't know what to say to comfort you at this time. I am so looking to find comfort too. God Bless through your sorrow Linda and everyone else here.

Peggy

[kathy714]

Hi,i just read the 1st two post and can already relate to so much that was said,i can relate to the pain and the pretending everyday that everything is fine,when really your heart is breaking and you are longing to see your child again,i just wish i could hug him and tell him how much i miss him.It bothers me so much not knowing for sure,what happens after you leave this life,i pray everyday that Nathan's life just didn't end last Jan,he was so young and vibrant to not go on.I did have one dream where Nathan came to me and he was very happy,and i pray that was a sign that he is doing ok.But i never know for sure everyday is a never ending battle of what do i really believe.Some days i have ton's of faith and i am sure all my loved one's are together looking over me and guiding me and other days when i am hurting so much, i question my beliefs.Ican also relate to how much it hurts to watch others who have not experienced losing a child, and how happy they are,and all they talk about is thier family,not that i would wish this pain on anyone,i just want my family back and my life back to the way it was....You will all be in my prayers.. T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Mominagony,i have done the same thing many of times,you have 30 mins to post or what you are writing gets timed out and you lose it,I always seem to be at work when it happens to me and i don't have time to re post..Kathy

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i hope you are doing ok, i am praying for you,you are also a great inspiration to me,sometimes i think that being so busy is what keeps me going,then there are other days when i wish i could just stay on the couch and feel bad for myself...Please Email me if you need to talk...YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS,..T/C Kathy Nate's mom

[maureensmom]

To Kathy, Peggy, Linda... I know exactly what you are talking about, the knowing nothing will ever be OK, ever again, and dealing with people asking me how I am doing. But it scares me already how some of the people I know at work have pulled away from me. I want that to only be temporary. One of my old friends, a very wise man, told me that I had to reach out to them, to let them know that I wasn't OK but that I still cared about the people around me, that I needed them now. So I'm forcing myself to do that. Some of the sympathy cards I've received make it clear to me how much people care, but how horrified they are, and afraid to say the wrong thing. I need people, even if all they can say is "How are you doing?" I'm in a 12-step program that helps enormously right now, because all they do is hug you and hug you and hug you. Let's all remember that our doubts are normal, they are part of the pain of this earthly life. I can hear my daughter telling me to hang in there. I love you, Maureen.

Georgia

[maskott]

It's been awhile since I've posted. Like others have said...I have nothing new to add. As I walk up the stairs in my house, I look into Matthew's room hoping th see him in there. I know he won't be. Last night, I sat in his room and talked to him...I truly believe I felt him there with me.

Everyday, I have people saying "how are you" in the non chalant way that you say it, when you don't really care but it's something to say. My response is always, "fine, how are you" when I'm thinking...you know my son died 5 months ago...how do you think I am. It was worse at the beginning...but it still bothers me. I know their life is going on and they can't always be concerned about mine...but it still bothers me. One co-worker tries so hard to cheer me up...to the point where it's annoying. I want to shout at him to stop...that he's annoying-but I know he means well and he's one of the few at work who really cares that my son died. Sometimes, I just want to be left alone.

I'm tired of putting on the mask also. So a lot of times I don't. It may offend some but I don't care. I have to deal with this in my own way and if they care, they will understand.

I also, don't have any magic words to help the newcomers. There are no words to say that will help at this time. Talking with people who understand, helps. That's about it. Talk here as often as you want and someone will be here who understands and listens. Listens...that's the key word. How many times I've talked to people only to get a nod, knowing they didn't listen to a word I said.

We will....keep writing.

BettyAnn

[rhonda68]

Hello I can so relate to what all of you are saying. The people in my life just have no understanding. I am just trying to go about my daily activities and just pretending everything is allright if I dont people are mad at me. But I am so sad and I feel the ache in my heart all the time. I do though have 1 friend that has been through this also and she is my life saver. She is raising her grandson whom is the same age as my son. The 2 boys are best freinds. I am very protective of her grandson and sometimes I feel that his mother is looking after my son in heaven. I am so thankful to have these people in my life. Thinking of all of you always!

Richards Mom

[mominagony]

Dear all....

Just a quick note to let you all know I feel comforted just knowing

I can come here and share my thoughts and receive such understanding

Our group leader at Compassionate Friends has a word for those who

have not experienced the loss of a child. She calls them the "civilians."

As for reaching out and trying to educate others on how I feel/what I

need, I've more or less given up. I guess I'm just tired of being the

one to bring up Matt's name in conversation hoping others will ask

questions and let me talk about him with a mother's love and pride. I

know others love and worry about me and I have to remind myself all the

time that there's no one.....absolutely no one.....who will love and miss

him as much as I do.

Blessings to you all and let us find peace of mind.....

Linda

[mattsdad]

mominagony-Linda,

God bless the "civilians" in that they never know what we go through every day.

It sure is a heavy burden we all carry.

Do not be afraid of bringing up Matt's name. (You can tell I am the father of a Matt also). Keep him alive in our world as we know it. Our children LIVE on...If it makes people uncomfortable---too bad. We are the ones who will keep their spirits alive and real. Take comfort knowing that all of us here feel the despair, heartbreak, feeling of doom and hopelessness one time or another.

But as long as we are here to help each other know that you are not alone. Whether good times or bad come , keep your friends at BI near.

Jeff

[mattsdad]

mamabets----

2 days without a post!!!!

Are you okay?(lol)....

Jeff

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- With friends like you, how could I not be??? I love you and am so proud of you and BettyAnn- I have been posting on some of the other forums, and e-mailing too!! You are doing a remarkable job loving your family and our Matthew is standing tall, smiling forever!!! xoxoxo

[maureensmom]

I had a very difficult day today. I went to work, and while I was driving, all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't be Maureen's mom anymore, she was dead, but how could I EVER stop being Maureen's mom? I started to cry, and could not stop. One of my friends saw me in the parking garage and told me to go home, nothing at work couldn't wait until tomorrow. So I came home. I just miss her so much. Her fiance was over yesterday, and just cried and cried and cried. I feel the loss so deeply that I can hardly breathe. It feels like it will never get better. (Sorry to be so depressing tonight.) Thank you all for being there for me.

Georgia

[mominagony]

Jeff....(my brother's name!) - thank you so much. You are so right....

too bad if people turn away when I mention Matt's name...or change the

subject. I am having a picture button made of my favorite picture

of Matthew. I will wear it every day....and hope it forces those around me

to acknowledge us. I have placed a bench and a memorial marker in a

local county park and my license reads "LVU MATT." I am dedicating

the bench/marker on May 27th (the day we laid Matt to rest) and will

have a picnic in the grove nearby to celebrate his life.

Maureensmom....you are ALWAYS Maureen's Mom and she is ALWAYS your

precious child. Recently, I had to fill in some forms at a doctor's

office and, when it asked for children's names, I wrote in both....

Matthew and Jennifer. I am so sorry you had such a bad day.

Sigh.........

Thank you all and blessings to you and your children

Linda

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} To Everyone~

Thank you Lynda (Julsmom), Tina, and Daveydow for your sweet messages to me.

Hello to our new members, Jo (Brokenhearted) and Linda (Mominagony). I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious sons, Karl and Matthew. The first year, the "firsts" of every special occasion without your son here is probably the most difficult period in the process. Expect to feel the gamut of emotions and the wrenching of your heart continuously. In the second year, the shock and numbness wears off, and reality brings its own stresses and challenges. We are approaching the third anniversary of Michael's passing, and I am discovering that I am adjusting to his physical absence and focusing on my spiritual relationship with him more diligently. Of course, this is just me and my circumstance, which is entirely different than yours. But I think most of us here would agree that Year One is the roughest to endure.

I encourage you, and every one of us, to feel our grief, to let it out, let it happen, express it. Stuffing it down is unhealthy and will impede your progress toward peace. I strongly recommend journaling.

I also recommend paying attention to your diet, drinking lots of water, exercising (at least take a walk occasionally), and taking vitamins and minerals to boost your immune system. Grief is very hard on the body. You are extremely vulnerable now to infections and diseases, so take extra good care of yourself. Remember that your child would want you to take care of yourself.

For those who are having a crisis of faith, I recommend prayer, of course. Prayer doesn't need to be formal, and even if you do not speak the words, God knows what is in your heart, and what your deepest needs are. Set aside a period of time in the day for you to quietly meditate and pray. Light a candle. Play some lovely soft music. And pray. Ask God to strengthen your faith. Ask God to show you the way to healing. And pray this simple prayer, continuously: "God, grant me peace and comfort." Repeat this prayer over and over and over. Make it your mantra. You are carrying the heaviest burden on your heart that can be imagined. God knows this, and He will listen to your request. And He will grant you peace and comfort.

My husband thought that I would be inconsolable after Michael's death, as did all of my closest friends. But I am here today to tell you that everyday God answers my prayers for peace and comfort. He helps me find that moment in my day when I am surrounded by peace and embraced in a comforting blanket of love.

Several people here have recommended these two books: Hello From Heaven and Life After Life. Both of these books explore life after death. I've ordered both books, but I haven't had a chance to read either one yet. I think confirmation of life after death, where there may be doubt, is comforting and reassuring. And faith building.

Regarding the responses or lack thereof of the "civilians" in our lives~ I think that is a common factor among us noncivilians, one we all experience. Everyone remembers Michael, and they are willing to listen to me, but I also don't reach out to them as often, because they really can't comprehend what I'm feeling. And depending upon my mood, I answer "How are you?" with "I'm fine," or "I'm having a rough day," or "I'm not doing that well today." And even my friends will sometimes not pursue the conversation with me, because they simply do not know what to say to me. They know that nothing will make me feel better.

In the early months, I was quite honest and frank with my friends. When one friend told me she was trying to cheer me up, I said, "I don't want to be cheered up. And nothing can cheer me up. So please stop trying."

Either we reach out to get what we need from people, and discover typically that they don't really have what we need, or we pretend that we don't need anything from them. Again, this involves adjustment. I've decided that I am in charge of what I need, and if I cannot find it among the people in my life, then I will refocus my energies to fulfill that need elsewhere.

At the end of the day, I have to take care of myself, because only I really know how my pain feels.

What helps me to move forward is thinking what Michael would want me to do now, how Michael would want me to respond, what I can do to make Michael proud of me, and how I can honor his memory in everything I say and do. I feel that Michael is guiding me.

And finally, a "Forum Tip:" When you are typing a message to post here, and the system "times out" after 30 minutes, I suggest that you copy your text, before you hit submit ("Post Now"). That way, if you have to reregister, you can just paste the text of your post into the new message box. Some of you may have noticed that I write long posts (wink), so I figured out this way of retrieving my messages so all is not lost!

My prayer candle is burning for you and your children and I am praying for the peace and comfort of every friend who visits here~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[enufalreddy]

Hello everyone. Have been reading the posts. If the people around me can't handle my grief that is their problem. There is no way I can change the way I feel and I'm not into faking my feelings or thoughts for anyone unless to do otherwise would be terribly hurtful. I know my Walter is in a wonderful place. I had a near death experience a couple of years ago and believe me did not care to return to the burdens of this world. But I am here.I have no great fear of my own death because of that experience.I grieve my son because I miss him and wanted him to live a long,happy,productive life and to raise his daughter ....these things that will not happen now.I am tormented by the loss of him physically but I know that he is at peace,carefree and without worry or pain where his essence resides now.We mourn for ourselves. I guess my work here is not done yet or I would have been beamed up too. So for now I have to enjoy the folks who are still in my life. And when the terror comes I try to remember my visit to that place where Walter is. Wishing us all peace of mind and spirit......Erma

[maureensmom]

Thank you, Roslyn. I agree with you that my pain only has a spiritual solution. I'm praying for comfort and grace, for all of us. Take care, everybody.

Georgia

[mamabets]

Good Morning All- Something found me this morning... I was reading a book about angel stories and I came across..."Life can still be wonderful and joyful, no matter how dark the rest of the world may seem." I have cried so this morning, I read so many cards and letters from Danny- Just beautiful- When I was done, I realized that I miss him so terribly, but that burning sensation in my soul is gone- I was overcome with feelings of joy, having had this young man with me here for 25 years, and knowing that he will guide and help everyone, everywhere from now on. Jackie and I truly could not do this "without him", and he loves all that we are doing for each other here at Beyond Indigo- You can spread the word that she is on the Loss of a Sibling forum- JOrr1279- We have created the family here that he always wanted- HUGE, happy and free from hassles!! God Bless All- I think about each and every one of you alll the time... I have come to know each of you, and in spite of this pain, that feels really good. xoxomamabets

[maskott]

Rosalyn & Erma....ditto to your responses. You have said everything that I wanted to say...only more eloquently. I have found the spiritual side of Matthew and it helps to ease some of the pain. Yes...I still miss him (physically), I miss hugging him. I still speak to him and I know that he hears me. I pray to God to give me peace and comfort and He does answer.

I still have most of my "firsts" yet to come. This Sunday is my daughter's 19th birthday...the first without Matthew. I know it will be emotional for everyone especially Kristin. May God grant me the peace I need to get though it.

Peace and comfort to all.

BettyAnn

[mominagony]

Hello all....

First to Roslyn....as someone else said, you speak eloquently. I pray

your mantra now....to God and to Matt.

To those of you further along in this journey: I pray for the day

I can know, without a doubt, that Matthew is in a better place. I

try so hard every day to think those thoughts, but it's so hard. All

I yearn for is to see him standing at the kitchen sink in his boxer

shorts with his long, thin legs cooking dinner. He loved to cook....

I have to know that I will see his beautiful face again....and physically

be able to hug and kiss him. It is so hard for me to absolutely know

that will happen. I pray to get to that place one of these days.

Again, thank you all for being here and for listening.

Blessings,

Linda

[briansdad]

I wanted to share this story. My wife works at a middle school as a baker and she was baking chocolate chip cookies yesterday.My wife doesn't have a very good sense of smell due to allergies.She was standing by one of the ovens and all of a sudden she smelled Brian's deodorant.He used a real strong scent.Jan said it was very heavy in one spot.No one else smelled it just her.All we can figure is Brian paid a visit to his Mom.By the way he did like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.It made her day.

[mattsdad]

Briansdad-greg,

Your wife is so lucky to have received a sign today.

Betty Ann has been receiving signs for the past few days.

Consider yourselves blessed.

I even believe I have been getting messages over the past few days.

Although mine have been pretty low key. And I am pretty hard to convince....

We have nothing left but to believe and hope....God is great and would not deceive us.

We wil all see our children again soon when our time comes.

Jeff

[mom2angels]

{{{Erma}}} ~ You’re right, we do mourn for ourselves, because we miss that physical contact, which essentially defined our relationship with our children.

Our hospital chaplain, who became our dear friend during Michael’s illness, said to us upon Michael’s passing that as human beings, we are so tied to the physical aspects of life that when they are removed, we are lost. We depend upon our senses to communicate, filter and process everything. Our chaplain urged us to explore our spiritual relationship with Michael as our source of solace for his physical absence.

And although we do this, the pain of the physical separation is still so immense. We miss him here on Earth, but we rejoice in his freedom and wholeness. This is the constant tug and pull on our hearts. And it’s only human nature to respond this way.

I’m positive that Walter is in a wonderful place, as I know that Michael is, along with all of our children. Would you be willing to share with us anything about your near death experience? I would be interested, but certainly wouldn’t want you to discuss it, if it would make you uncomfortable. I’m glad for you that you have this experience to help you cope, and glad for us that you weren’t beamed up. We need you.

{{{Georgia}}} ~ Focusing on my spiritual solutions has brought me this far and will sustain me for the rest of my life, both Earthly and eternally. Michael’s passing has increased my faith and strengthened my spirit in many ways. You will find this to be true for you, I’m sure, as you seek your spiritual solutions. You know Maureen is near you, as I know that Michael is near me. Maureen and Michael, and all of our children are still living. Just not in the physical form. This is where I find my comfort every time. He isn’t gone, he just isn’t here. May your prayers be answered.

{{{Betsy}}} ~ I’ve missed you! I just said a little thank you prayer for your joy, and thank you for sharing your joy with us. Danny must be so proud of his mom for reaching out and helping everyone here as you do. I’m glad for Jackie that she has found a place here to share her thoughts and feelings. Praying your joy continues for you, Betsy.

{{{Betty Ann}}} ~ I will light a special candle and say a special prayer of strength for you, Jeff, and Kristin this Sunday. The spiritual side of Matthew is ever present, and I’m sure that he will be there with you to celebrate Kristin’s 19th birthday. And I’m sure that Matt hears every word you say and catches every tear that falls.

{{{Linda}}} Thank you and Betty Ann for your compliment. I was a professional writer, and after 45 years of writing every day, I’ve managed to string a few words together that make sense! I have every intention of writing a book about my children…someday…

God, grant Linda peace and comfort. That is your mantra now too, Linda. Keep praying it throughout the day and night. Whenever you feel a surge of pain and anguish, pray that simple prayer. I feel that it will lead you to the place in your soul where you know that Matt is truly in a better place, without a doubt. And, as I said, those two books might help you as well to be more reassured that where Matt’s spirit resides is a glorious place.

The physical separation is so very difficult, which is why it is helpful and healing to refocus your energies on your spiritual connection to Matt. I know that I make that sound easy, when it isn’t easy at all. And being spiritually connected to Matt isn’t going to absolve completely your yearning to see him and touch him one more time. It will, however, lessen the “all consuming-ness” of that yearning. I know how hard this is, and my heart goes out to you.

{{{Brian’s Dad~Greg}}} ~ How wonderful for Jan that Brian stopped by to visit her and cleverly made his presence unmistakably known. Mom is making his favorite cookies, of course, where else would he be? Here are some {{{HUGS}}} for Jan as well.

{{{Jeff}}} ~ God is great. Yes. And the Spirit is awesome! Look at Matthew leaving signs for you and Betty Ann regularly. That is awesome.

Recently, my husband saw a shadowy cloud above him when he first laid down in bed (he stays up all night with Jon, so it is nearly daylight when he comes to bed). He recognizes this shadowy cloud as Spirit, as he has been visited by others (such as his mother and grandmother) a few times. So, Jim silently asked, “Is that you Michael? If it is you, would you let me know? Give me a sign?” Then, very gently, Jim’s right big toe moved back and forth. No twitch, no cramp, and no voluntary movement on Jim’s part. And just as gently as it began, the movement stopped. Now, the connection here is that Michael had adorable little feet, and when we gave him his bed bath, we always admired his sweet feet and tiny toes. Yes, even as a grown man…Michael was a cherub.

Michael seems to give Jim more overt signs than he gives to me. I don’t know why this is, and I long for those more overt signs. But I am grateful that he is contacting Jim, and I am extremely grateful for all of the contact he makes with me.

May you and Betty Ann continue to receive many signs from Matthew.

My prayer candle is burning for all friends here and for your children. May God grant you all peace and comfort today and everyday~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[missingchris]

Please say a prayer for the family in Florida. 7 children in one family lost in barely a moment. I hope God surrounds them with angels, they'll need it.

[enufalreddy]

I don't want to go into great detail concerning my near death experience but I will tell you enough to give you an idea. Have you ever felt totally serene,content,warm,loved,no cares? That is kind of like the feeling I got when I went on my brief journey.I can tell you there were 2 or more "angels" with me and I was delivered to my father who had passed a couple of years earlier.Everything feels like love on the other side.The light,the communication without words.I laid my head on Dad's knee and he told me to just rest there for a little while.When I woke up I was back in my bed.This happened one night when I had terrible chest pains and stayed in bed hoping to die.Well, I made a visit but was sent back.You can believe me or not. I don't care. I know I experienced it.I will answer questions if you have any that are very important to you.............................Peace to all...........Erma

[rhonda68]

My heart is in severe ache mode again. The first year is almost here and I am starting to remember all those last moments with Richard. Also not sure what I should do for that horrid day of my life. Does anyone have any suggestions how to keep going and what to do for that day? Any suggestions would be most appreciated also what should I do for his younger sibling.

Thanks,

Richards Mom

Oct.9/85 - Feb.23/05

[Judgesmom]

My heart is in severe ache mode again. The first year is almost here and I am starting to remember all those last moments with Richard. Also not sure what I should do for that horrid day of my life. Does anyone have any suggestions how to keep going and what to do for that day? Any suggestions would be most appreciated also what should I do for his younger sibling.

Thanks,

Richards Mom

Oct.9/85 - Feb.23/05

[Judgesmom]

My heart is in severe ache mode again. The first year is almost here and I am starting to remember all those last moments with Richard. Also not sure what I should do for that horrid day of my life. Does anyone have any suggestions how to keep going and what to do for that day? Any suggestions would be most appreciated also what should I do for his younger sibling.

Thanks,

Richards Mom

Oct.9/85 - Feb.23/05

There is really nothing to prepare you for the first anniversary or the second or the third, when I lost my son, the first year I was num, the second year I think I was just able to exist, the third year was the worst, because I knew he was never coming home. I hate to get your hopes up but loosing someone with the unconditional love you had for your son, is not easy and will change your life forever. Just try and make the best of that day and what we do every anniversary of his death invite some of his friends over and I buy them a gift, like some wishing stones, or a nice candle and create a poem to go along with it and enjoy the day (I don't mean enjoy) but pass the day with his friends. We also light a candle and we burn the candle from the morning till we go to bed. We invite his friends over and whoever comes comes. Sorry I can't help much more than that, it is just a sad sad sad day. Like every occassion you have to celebrate without him.

Good Luck

Carol-Ann

www.jordanwodehouse.com

[mominagony]

Dear friends.....

Roslyn: You really should write a book about bereavement, too. Besides writing so eloquently, you have a peaceful, calm way of expressing yourself, which is soothing to the reader. I know it is to me.

I am assuming, from trying to put bits and pieces together, that you and your husband are full time caregivers to your living son and were to Michael? I cared for my husband for 10 years before his death from Myasthenia Gravis almost 8 years ago. His illness was particularly hard for Matthew, who really needed a Dad during those years. Instead, Matt became my helper and took his Dad's death the hardest. I always felt so bad that our lives had been turned upside down and inside out....it was so hard for us to watch.

Of my two children, Matt was my spiritual one. Not in a traditional sense, but he was "different." I was told by more than one person that he was an old soul. He was brilliant, but hated school (dropped out of college in his 2nd year)...yet helped all of his buddies pass their exams. It saddened me that he never really found his way, but was the most talented of his group. He had just expressed interest in getting back into school (nursing) when he died.

I have received what I consider signs from Matt, which I will share in another post.

Rhonda: I am so sorry for your pain. A couple of thoughts for your upcoming angel date: Could friends and family meet at the cemetary and release balloons? You could have each write a message with a Scripto to Richard on the balloons. Is is possible for you all to head to Richard's favorite restaurant afterward...and have your other child bring a buddy? You could celebrate his life by sharing a meal and memories. If too costly, have folks come back to your home for sandwiches, etc.

You could have a display of pictures with a lighted candle (at home or a restaurant) acknowledging Richard's presence.

I've found the anticipation leading to the "firsts" is the hardest, and had to have definite plans...keeping as busy as possible. My daughter and I got a tattoo (mine is a butterfly heart with Matt's initial) on his birthday. Very appropriate, as Matthew had several. He would love it that his old Mama got a tattoo in his honor. We then released butterfly shaped balloons which, to our amazement, stayed side by side...until we could no longer see them.

As hard as it is, try being with people that day...even if you have to be the one to organize something.

Good luck.....

Ditto to the prayer for those 7 children who died in Florida. I can't even imagine....those poor babies.

More tomorrow.....

With blessings and thanks to you all,

Linda

[kirksdad]

Carol-Ann, I am glad to see you posting again, I know you have been back for a little while, but I haven't said much. It just doesn't seem it has been that long since our children were killed. Your idea on how to celebrate the anniversaries is a good one and I am glad you are able to do it. We haven't had the strength to do such a thing yet, but would like to have a big party this summer as a kid of celebration of Kirk's life, inviting the family and his friends to go out to our dock at the lake and spend a day doing something he would have enjoyed. Hope we are able to do it, but sometimes I say I want to and then doing it becomes next to impossible.

[enufalreddy]

Yesterday when I posted about my near death experience I didn't want to go into detail because I have a fear of being thought of as " crazy". I still have that fear and also a fear that people will think I am making up a story. Everything I've told you is the way it happened. And I don't believe it was just a dream. It was too real and too profound to have been a dream.I know that when the chest pain was really bad and it was traveling my left arm and across my jaw it suddenly stopped.At the same time it stopped I saw the "light" that everyone speaks of and out of the light floated these white gauzy forms that enveloped me and carried me toward the light. The light got bigger and brighter until it was filling the space all around me and it felt so comforting and serene.In front of me were two figures that were also this gauzy white form but I recognized them as my father sitting down on the " ground " and standing beside him touching him was what I recognized as Jesus although the figures had no distinguishable features somehow I knew who they were.It was a "knowing"...not a seeing. The standing figure nodded to my father who motioned for me to sit and reached up for me.I sat down and he communicated to me to just rest there for now...that everything would be alright.I felt so calm,loved and secure. I laid my head on my father's knee and rested without fear. I knew from them that I would not be staying with them. There is no way I can adequately describe the sights,sounds,or feelings that I experienced during this short visit. But I can tell you that it had a profound effect on me. I am not afraid of my death now but don't long for it anymore.I know what awaits me and that it is more comforting and beautiful than I could ever tell you in human terms. Some day when my purpose here has been fulfilled I will return and I am certain that my Walter will be there with Jesus and my father.I am not crazy.I am blessed to have had a glimpse of what is to come and yet come back here to help my grandchildren grow up and my daughter to raise them. To finish my time as a partner to my husband and to try to make a difference in the lives of the people around me while I am here.I hope that by exposing my spiritual journey to you that you will find peace in the truths that I have told you.I know that I will fear coming back here now because I have opened up my most private treasure to people who might not understand. But I felt compelled spiritually to tell you the whole story regardless.I try to listen to that small voice that nudges me. I know where it comes from and that it is what I am supposed to do if my soul is restless without doing it.So my friends...that is my story.A lot of people have had similar experiences. This was mine.I hope that it helps someone. Anyone.It has helped me. And now I can be at peace for having told it to you...........Erma

[maskott]

Erma...I truly believe what you went through. It's nice to know that when my time is up, I will be going to a place that you mentioned....what peace. I do not dread dying anymore. I know I will finally be with Matthew.

These past few days have been tough and I don't really know why. I've been depressed...the tears have been building and I know I am due for a good sobbing session. I feel nothing right now. Saturday is my daughter's birthday and I don't know if knowing that Matthew isn't going to be there the reason for my depression.

BettyAnn

[maureensmom]

Erma - thank you for sharing your experience. I don't think you are crazy, you have received some kind of amazing gift, a "seeing" that most of us hope is true. It comforts me a lot to hear stories like yours. It's strange, but I instantly lost all fear of death when Maureen died.

Georgia

[donosmom]

Erma, thank you! You answered a prayer!

Matthew's Mama Mary

11-3-79 7-13-03

[mom2angels]

{{{Rhonda}}} ~ I’m so sorry for your aching heart and that you are struggling with those memories of Richard’s last Earthly moments. Do you have space to plant a garden or a tree? Perhaps you and your child could create a memory garden for Richard on his Angel Date, and celebrate his life with living, growing plants/flowers/trees. Then, you would also have a place, other than the cemetery, where you can visit with Richard, while you tend to the garden blooming in his name. My other thought is doing whatever Richard enjoyed doing that day. Did Richard have any special interests or favorite foods, which you could incorporate into his Angel day? Whatever you decide to do, I pray that you will find comfort.

{{{Linda}}} ~ Thank you for your kind words, and I’m glad that my messages are soothing to you. I could write books on a multitude of topics. The stories of my children will likely cover all of them, including bereavement.

Your assumption is right on—Jim (my husband) and I are full time caregivers to Jonathan, as we were for Michael. Just us, no outside help (eg., nurses, aides). I love taking care of my boys, and I miss taking care of Michael. He was a snuggle bug too, and cuddling with him is one of the voids in my life that simply cannot be filled. Jon is a hugger and a kisser, but he also likes to define his personal space. : )

I’m so very sorry that you lost your husband to MG; I know that was difficult for you and Matthew. I feel certain that because Matthew was an old soul that he was profoundly affected by his dad’s illness and decline in health. I also feel certain that Matthew and your husband are together watching over you and your daughter. You have suffered many heartbreaks, Linda, but your dear ones are always near you, holding you up.

I’m looking forward to hearing about the signs Matthew has sent you. It is a blessing to know that our children are near.

{{{Erma}}} Please have no fears about returning here. I can’t imagine anyone here thinking that you are crazy. Thank you for sharing your remarkable and beautiful experience with us. I am comforted to know that the other side is beyond description in serenity and magnificence. I’m sure that one of your missions is to share your awareness with all of us.

Michael has “spoken” to me and to a dear friend of ours, who is spiritually evolved (for lack of a better explanation). Michael told both of us that the love surrounding him is amazing. Love and Light. That is one of the reasons I sign everything with Love and Light. My children are the love and light of my life, and the other side is only love and light.

Your brave message to us is further confirmation that this is true. Thank you so much.

{{{Friends}}} ~ God grant you peace and comfort today and everyday ~ my prayers are with you, and my candle is burning for you and your children~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[Mazey2]

Erma, it is good to hear from you. I read your post yesterday and was going to reply last night and ran out of time. Then, today read your detailed experience! Last night I was going to write and thank you for sharing. A young friend of my Son's had just emailed me a couple weeks ago. He also is a Quad and has been in a wheel chair for a 14 years. He wrote a note re: Chad...and in it he told me try not to fret over where Chad is, cuz there is a better place. When he had been injured he said he'd seen "the Light"a couple times while in the hospital. He says he doesn't talk about it much, but thought it may offer me some peace. What he said is almost EXACTLY how you tell it! Amazing...I DO BELIEVE! I have always had a very strong belief/faith and these things only solidify my feelings. I think sceptics are those who haven't had "experiences" as some have....eg. our feelings that our kids communicate to us, in whatever way we recieve. I know when I tell some people, you can almost see them rolling their eyes! Maybe, some of it is our deep faith/spiritualism. I don't think I have been afraid to die, but since Chad died I don't dread it. Anyway, thanks for your sharing this with us.

To the new parents here, my heart is with you, continue to come and read/post. It is one of the biggest helps I had with the loss of my Son. Take what helps.

I am so glad to see the strength and peace shining thru so many of you parents posting here. It is such a horrific life we have now without our child/children that have passed on.

Sharing, Linda

[maureensmom]

Today my husband had his 60th birthday. We invited two of Maureen's closest friends to go with us, out to dinner. We did what felt safest to us - went to a new restaurant with no memories of Maureen, and actually had a pretty good time, until we came home. NOTHING helps with this terrible, hollow, nothing will ever be OK again feeling. How could she have left us like this? I am so sad. I don't feel like it will ever get any better.

Georgia