Loss of an Adult Child

[kathy714]

Dear Maureensmom,i remember at 5 weeks i felt the same way,i really didn't know who i was anymore,because Nathan was such a big part of my life,and then poof,just like that he was gone,i really didn't think i was going to be able to go on,and i really didn't know what my husband and my roles were going to be like,we were so use of having Nathan here,and now it was just him and i,it was almost like we had to get to know each other again.I also do believe that your daughter is communcating with you ,i feel Nathan all the time,i always say the signs are there you just have to watch for them...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Ashleysmom,I know they don''t but i think i am just so sensitive to it now,lord knows i did do my share of complaining when Nathan was here,because he always had a house full of kids,i remember saying "just one night ,can't i have this house to myself with no kids here" little did i know,a year later i would be in this situation.That is why now i tell people watch,what you wish for.Now i miss all that noice,even then i really didn't mind them here,because at least i knew what Nate was doing when he was here.That is was really bothers me ,Nathan never went out ,and the one night he did,he never came back....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[enufalreddy]

Hello all...having a rough morning here.Thank God they have been fewer and farther between lately but they come. I feel so robbed.Walt robbed me of time we could have spent together when he was alive because he didn't want me to know how he was living. And now he has been taken from me by that way of life.I get angry with him and then I feel bad for feeling angry at him. So I'm feeling a little crazy this morning. Very mixed feelings. Just an emptiness in my heart. And I don't like this feeling. I hope it doesn't last long. I will try to stay busy with projects today. Sometimes that helps. But sometimes I think I'm just exhausting myself for no good reason and suffer all day anyway. It's too soon for my baby to be gone.I'm not ready.However...it's a done deal.I can't stand it..............Erma

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- I am so happy that Evan is near, but it must be somewhat strange that he reminds you so much of Nathan- Or that time in your life when all was as it should be and your children were safe in your care. I have that feeling alot?? What made them ever want to wander from me?? A life with their father where there was tons more money and no boundaries. I remember when Julia was 2 and they were all living with Dan, Danny wrote Jackie a letter and told her that she had to get Julia with me so she could be raised right. So, you do what is right and you do the best that you can do. My husband told me last night that I never shut up- Don't know quite what to do with that one!! Thanks for listening....xoxomamabets

[julsmom]

Dear Ashleysmom,I know they don''t but i think i am just so sensitive to it now,lord knows i did do my share of complaining when Nathan was here,because he always had a house full of kids,i remember saying "just one night ,can't i have this house to myself with no kids here" little did i know,a year later i would be in this situation.That is why now i tell people watch,what you wish for.Now i miss all that noice,even then i really didn't mind them here,because at least i knew what Nate was doing when he was here.That is was really bothers me ,Nathan never went out ,and the one night he did,he never came back....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

Kathy - I identify with your remarks. Julie would call every night and my husband I would say she was having a "crisis du jour". I remember saying I didn't want to be the mother any more. But like you said, I would give anything to hear about her crisis. Peace. Lynda

[donosmom]

Mamabets, unfortunately I live in Oklahoma and my daughter is a marine biologist in Alaska. She left to go back yesterday so I won't get to spend much time with her through the pregnacy. I think I am going to try and put together something for the baby about Uncle Matt. I had started a booklet called Matt's Memories for his organ recipients, maybe I will complete that.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[daveydow1]

Hello all,

I agree that no one needs to apologize for expressing

feelings here that may not be on the positive side. This

is a place where we can safely tell others exactly how

we feel. We don't have to feel the need to "put on a good

face". We all know that we don't feel that way, so we don't

have to pretend. We're all on the same road together.

Speaking of babies-----I just found out that I am to get a

new grandbaby in August. My daughter is having her second

baby. I am looking forward to its arrival. Looks like lots

of us are welcoming little tiny bundles. We will never have

any grandbabies with my son's last name, but we are

excited. I hope Davey sees the new arrivals. I always feel

it's a sign from Dave whenever I see the moon. Don't know

why, but that's the way it is. Peace to all.

[mamabets]

For daveydow1- Another new baby!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxomamabets

[ameliasmom]

Mamabets, I love to hear you talk/write. Please don't stop.

Erma, I feel just like you do and I have said it so many times. I am angry with Amelia and as soon as I say it or express it, the guilt washes over me and I take it back.

To the others that have posted as well, I also have tremendous guilt for the times I have thought things in my frustration with Amelia, like I wonder what it would be like to have a daughter that wasn't in trouble all the time. I wonder what it would be like if Amelia wasn't here......I hate myself for thinking those thoughts. It hurts so much. I would take her back in a heartbeat, problems and all plus some. I miss her so much and I just want to see her again and talk to her and joke with her and love her. I can't stand this pain sometimes. I went back to work last week and went in today. I heard one of the girls talking to her son and I just started crying and had to leave the room. I want Amelia to call me and talk to me. This is so hard and still so unbelievable. I can't take it all in. I just can't.

[mamabets]

For Ameliasmom- So much that you are feeling is from being a friend, a mom.... So much is from being a scared parent that gets pissed off when their kids lip off... So much of what you are saying is about being a mother who has lost a child to death... Now, to another of my friends, some of the best in this whole world.... How can you even begin to feel anything but what you are feeling, given those tools to work with?? There are no tools for this to fix, because there is no fix for losing a child. But, I do promise you- There are constant patches along the way, and some patches work better and for longer than others. In time, the raw wound surrenders, and the sting leaves. The sting that screams OUCH every time you try to touch it, or someone else tries to ignore it and your wounded heart. Please keep reading, as it starts to make f sense one day, and you start to understand grief itself. I would like to think that with some time, and it has only been a year and a half, I have tried to remain open to anything positive, as my health is a negative in and of itself.You will begin to understand yourself again, and what has put you in this place that seems so far away from home. When you think that you are on a journey into someplace called permanent hell-? You aren't. You have already been there. With and without your kids. You, as with the rest of it, has shuffled, around you and your life, be it through hospitals, memorials, hospitals, funerals, hospitals, holidays, and what ever else there may be. In spite of it all, you are moving through this. I am here for you whenever you need, e-mail me anytime at huntross4@aol.com!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

He Guys and Gals- You might want to ckick on to your profiles and fill the lines in, so we can all refer to it whenever we need to, i.e e-mails, angels names, cause of passing etc. Not that we could get any closer than we already are, but to help some of the new people would be good.!! All info is in corner of where your post is!!!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Ameliasmom,i am so sorry for the loss of your daughter,she was the same age as my Nathan,and she sounds like she was probally a lot like him.I noticed her birthday is 2/3/84,my son Nathan's is Jan 31,1984,he was born 3 days before Amelia.My son was also a handful,he was always in trouble but had a good heart,we would go to different therapist,and they would e so surprised,and would tell Nathan,he was nothing ,like they expected.Nathan was placed on home confinement for 2 years,and actually it was the best thing,that could of happened,we became really close,and when it was over and he could go outside on his own again,he still hung around the house all the time,and all his friends would come over to our place...Reading you post just reminded me of Nathan...T/c Kathy,Nate's mom

[daveydow1]

Ameliasmom,

I am sorry for your pain and grief. It is difficult to return

to work sometimes. I can understand your crying whenever you

heard a co-worker talking to her son. I returned to work only

3 wks. after my son, Davey's, death. It was too soon, but they

kept asking and asking when I was planning on returning, so I

went back. I worked at a library, and sometimes I would look

out the glass doors, and who was coming up the sidewalk but

my Davey. I didn't know he was going to stop in, and it always

warmed my heart to see him---even though he lived with us. As

it ended up, I took early retirement after another 2 mo..of

trying to keep up a "public" face and concentrate etc. I pray

that it may somehow get a bit easier for you at the workplace

(and at home). I feel for you in your terrible grief and missing

your dear daughter Amelia. Cling to the love you have for her

and all the memories. Peace be with you.

[enufalreddy]

Tomorrow is 9 months since my baby passed away. I cried my heart out tonight already. I dread the month of April coming up this year. Over the past 4 years I have lost my favorite Aunt, my father and my son all in the month of April.I've already warned my family...noone is allowed to die in April this year!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm way past my tolerance level for emotional pain. I bet you all feel the same. I'm so sorry for all of you that we are in this situation . There are no words to fix a broken heart. Friday is my counselling appt. Hope she has a brand new box of tissues and a ready ear.God bless you all. Erma

[mamabets]

For Enufalready- I have cried a river tonight... Before I try to go turn it off, I came to visit here and I am so proud to see you reaching out!! It will somehow help you always to get through- Nine months- I remember it well, not that a year and a half is that much further, but nine months was brutal- You are through the worst of it, Erma, in that you have prepared yourself- The anticipation is always worse- Iremember thinking at nine months- "There was a time once when nine months gave Danny to me"- Just promise me that you will come to us as much as you can!!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- I think of you often- You have made progress with this, if that is possible, and you are an inspiration... Please keep coming back!! We all need you! Tell me all about Davey- I love to hear stories about all of our angels!! For you to have been dealt this twice is just unfathomable- God Bless You!! xoxomamabets

[brin3d]

I just wanted to take a moment to say good morning to every parent that finds themselves at this website. I have been away from the site for a while. The holidays came and went and I did survive. My daughter's child brought christmas to life for me like she used to do. Darcia's excitement over Christmas could entice anyone to be excited. This year Alize's excitement, like her mother's was contagious. I just know that Darcia was looking in on us and saying to herself, this is the way I remember Christmas and silently thanking her child for bringing joy to my heart once more. Alize' is more like her mother every day both in looks and personality and even though it can be bittersweet, it can also be an awesome and sometimes overwhelming feeling.

The other night it was quite cold outside and even with the heat up, Alize's toes were cold and we were sitting on the couch watching a movie and she stuck her toes under my leg, just like her mother used to do. Such a flashback to years gone by. We stuck on a sweatshirt over our pj's and we looked quite odd, and I could just hear my daughter saying, "what are doing to my child mom. She doesn't match." I had a good chuckle.

So what I guess I am trying to say, after two and a half years, I still miss her and cry my silent tears, but joy can be found again in our precious memories.

My best to each and every one of you.

Barb

[bokenhearted]

To Enufalreddy

I like you dread the month of April (25th for me) as it is when I lost my Karl. It is the 9 month mark for me too. There has not been 1 night that has passed that I have not shed tears. My heart is sore and my whole being aches for him to be here with us. The days I manage to get through ok as I work and my job has been a life line for me but the nights are awful. My husband and daughter go to bed and then I am on my own and I sit here and think of him but it is my mind that won't shut off. I keep thinking of him on his last day and what he must have been going through and it just about destroys me. I do think of good memories too but this one keeps haunting me. I know he left us because he thought he was doing the right thing but how can God (if there is one) have let this happen to him. He never hurt a sole. I just wish I could stop the horrible pictures in my head. I am so sorry for your loss and know that I will be thinking of you too. We as parents want to be able to fix our childrens problems, even when they are adults but some things are out of our hands. I can rationalise lots but it doesn't really make it any easier. There are always the what if's.

Try to take care, I send my heartfelt thoughts your way.

Jo

[maureensmom]

To Bokenhearted, my heart aches for you. Like you, nights are the absolute worst for me, because Maureen always called us in the evening, and came over to the house at night. I'm not alone during those times, my husband is right beside me, but he cries so that I cry also. I know I should be grateful that our grief doesn't drive us apart, but it's so hard. Like you, I agonize over her last day of life. Her apartment where she died was so dirty, so messy, why would that make such a difference to me, but I just can't handle the idea of my baby dying surrounded by ugliness. My brain keeps replaying my awful experience in the ER (They didn't clean her, or remove the tube from her throat, it was a nightmare that never seems to end.) It's been six weeks. I can't figure out how distorted time has become for me. On one hand, it feels like Maureen died yesterday - and on the other hand, I feel like I've been grieving forever. To Enufalready, I'm praying for you.

[enufalreddy]

Thanks to all for your kind words and support.My nerves are frazzled today.I feel very much on the rim of the abyss. All I want in this world today is to go wrap myself in a quilt and lay down on my son's grave and take a nap with him.I wish my husband would shut up. I just want to be left alone to feel whatever it is I have to feel today. Taking it one minute at a time and feeling rushed.I feel so very fragile.I want to wrap my arms around my son and tell him again that I love him and I believe in him. I can't write anymore...Erma

[kathy714]

Dear Erma,my heart goes out to you,i have had so many of those kind of days,not as many now,but in the beginning i was frozen with grief,i would sit for hours wondering and trying to fiqure out what could of happened that night,what did my son go through,did he suffer,or did he just lay down and go to sleep.Iwould hug the sweatshirt that he was wearing that night and cry for hours.I would wish the world would go away and leave me alone,yet at the same time i was feeling so alone.Jan 31st will be a year,my son died on his 21st birthday,even though now i can get through some days feeling almost normal,i do still think of Nathan all the time,but it is different now,now i look for signs that he is with us,or i think of memories and things he use to do or say.Iguess what i am trying to say is you have a right to feel that way,i also have many of those days,you will be in my prayers ...T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[mamabets]

For All- Griffinsmom is at the Anger and Grief/Anger and Depression forum and is sounding hopeless- Maybe go and visit her, if you can and if you feel strong enough to. If not, we understand, that is for sure-!! I feel everyone's pain today- I too have been having a touchy 12 hours- I am glad to be here to help, if for no other reason than to let you know that this does start to get easier... xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For All- Do any of you guys remember the toy Gloworm??? Does anyone have a great Gloworm story?? There is one in my sink!! Looks like a toss up between ET and Gloworm, made from coffee drops!!! I took tons of pictures- It has a smiley face and all!!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i hope you are doing ok,i read your post last night and you said you were crying,so i was worried about you...I am going to my first group grief meeting at 6:30 tonight,i will let e1 know how it went.I fiqured it would be a good idea being my depression is already setting in with Nate's first anniversary coming up...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- Be sure to write as soon as you get home- Will be anxious to see how you made out- I'll be thinking about you!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Brin3d- How old is your grandaughter, Alize?? Does she live with you?? I welcome you into my heart and my life as we travel this journey together. My Danny crossed over to capture his magical paradise in June of 2004- He loves where he is and how he is... I miss him every second of every hour of every day...But, I feel him with me always and I know that he loves this place that we call "here, there and everywhere" Please keep in touch- I have a grandaughter too- My daughter, Danny's sister, has little Julia- She lights up our lives and this world is a better place with her in it... She, at 6, cares about people and how people feel.xoxomamabets

[donosmom]

Mamabets, my son Matthew had a gloworm when he was a little guy, he couldn't go to bed without it. I would go in to check on him and he would figure out how to lay on it so that it would glow and that is how he went to sleep for a long time. I think I still have it in a bag of stuffed animals in the attic and one day I hope to have the strength to go through them He also had a stuffed ET I hope I can find them both they were his very best friends.

Has anyone had major behaviour problems with any of your living children since their sibling died? We are having so many many problems with our 19 yr daughter. I am almost to the point of cutting of communcation with her because she is always so hateful and hurtful. I can't deal with the loss of Matthew and her. She has gotten involved with some real bad people and making very poor decisions. I just don't know what to do, I fear lossing her too but I can't continue the way it is.

Matthew's Mama Mary

11-3-79 -07-13-03

[daveydow1]

Maureensmom,

I am so sorry that you are having so much pain. 6 wks

is such a short time, really. I believe that at that stage,

after my son died in a terrible highway crash, I was in a

haze of confusion and pain. My heart goes out to you as you

suffer so. Please come back to BI and read and post whenever

you can. It has helped me a lot. Everyone here knows your

pain, and only wish to help if we can. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Enufalready,

I am so sorry for you with the pain you're having. At the

9 mo. stage, I found it very difficult and in some ways

"unreal". All of us here know how you are grieving. I wish

I could think of something to say that would make you feel

somewhat better, but I guess it's not possible. Just remember

that we are all here for each other on this terrible journey

that we're all on. Take care, and peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Betsy,

Thank you for your kind words. They are always comforting.

My Davey was a young 31 yrs. old--single. He never got any

breaks in life, it seemed. He was kind, healthy, and nice

looking. He loved pets of all kinds, including tropical fish

and other aquatic-type pets (turtles, sm. lizards, etc). He

lived in his own apt. until he lost a good job because the

plant where he worked closed. He moved in with his father &

me when he had financial problems, so he lived with us for his

last 2 yrs. He had a couple of computer certifications, and

built his own computer---the one I am using now. I kills me to

live life without him, as I am sure you feel the same without

your dear Danny. Tell me a bit about Danny too. I especially

love your belief that Danny is "here, there, & everywhere". It

is a comforting feeling. That was a Beatles song, wasn't it?

I found a song on this computer that Davey had downloaded from

Morpheous or one of those places. It was the Beatles song "In

My Life". Do you know the one? I shed a lot of tears the night

I found that song, as I listened to the words. Sorry to chatter

on. Take care, and peace be with you.

[brin3d]

To MamaBets

Alize' will be four in March. She was just 16 months old when her and her mother were in their life altering accident. We have had to deal with Post Traumatic Stress and other issues but she has come so very far from that terrible day in July of 2003. Today she will hug me and tell me she loves me tons and piles of honey suckle soup and when I pick her up at the end of each day I get the excited scream from across the room "Nanny, your back, I missed you." We talk about her mother often and I show her photos so that she will also remember who her mother is. Sometimes she still asks for her mother because all the kids at her pre-school and daycare talk about their mothers. That is the hardest time for me trying to explain to a three year old why her mother can't be with her in the physical sense.

Barb

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- You know, I used to love that Beatles song- I then started referring to Danny as being here, there and everywhere, simply because he truly is- He leaves me signs EVERYWHERE, and a few weeks ago, I just by chance, was reminded that the Beatles had done the song- I was so taken aback... It was surreal- I have these STRONG feelings, and then will find something that I have posted or written in my journal or in a letter to someone, someplace else!!!! I had never thought of the song when I came up with where I feel my Danny and all of his new friends are!!! Funny... The places and spaces between here, there and everywhere!! My Danny, what a wonderful person- So funny, always thinking about why something cruel would get in the way of nice people... He seemed to have all the confidence in the world, but he was clearly just too nice for this place called life!!! How are you holding up?? How did you do with lizards ?? My brother's used to have iguanas!!!! YIKES!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Brin3d- My God, was this baby critically injured as well? Oh- NO!!!!! You are an angel here on earth and we are so glad that you are back here with us- We need you!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Mary,i am so sorry to hear of all the trouble you are having with your daughter,i am sure she is hurting because of the loss of your son,19 is such a fragile age because they are entering adulthood,but they don't always feel like a adult,and it is scary to them,then you complicate that with losing a brother and probally,they were good friends.Your daughter,probally isn't feeling to good right now,so it is easier to be attracted to bad people,because then you don't have to work as hard to be accepted,if she hangs out with kids that are doing well[at school,work,careers etc],now she has to do alot of work to keep up,...does this make any sense to you,does she go to any kind of conciling?I know this must be hard for you right now to deal with,but you should try to be strong and get her away from these kids,she might just be calling for attention,,,I wish i knew more to say that could help,it must be sad to watch her go through this,you will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[brin3d]

Mary -

When I lost my daughter, her younger brother was 16. He had a very difficult time dealing with the loss but for many other reasons. They fought all the time because she still lived at home. They said some really mean things to each other and he never got the chance to "take them back" or say he was sorry. Regret can be a terrible thing and will eat at a person for a very long time. He refused to talk about her and got very upset with my need to include talking about her in my conversations. It would make him angry with me. He spent a lot of time at school competing in track events for the next two years pushing himself harder and harder. Finally after two years and graduation behind him, he can talk about some of his feelings. He very much wanted her at his graduation, he missed being able to discuss girl problems with her because she was a girl and she seemed to be able to steer him in the right direction. She spent many long hours when they were not arguing listening to the many questions he had about life and he missed that when she "left him". Today he "talks" to her when he has a problem. He says it makes it better somehow even though she doesn't give him an answer back. Hopefully things will work their way out for your daughter. It is a very long and tough struggle for a sibling to deal with.

This past Christmas he bought me my first gift that she didn't help him pick out - A beautiful porcelain angel with long brown hair much like his sisters.

Barb

[donosmom]

My daughter moved out and to another state this past July, she was 17 when Matthew died. She was always a challenge, she dropped out of school at 16, got arrested for a curfew violation and so on, but after Matthew died she got her GED and went to 1 yr of college where she was doing extremely well, then at the 2 year mark she took a nose dive and the problems began all over again. Now she is out of state, broke and her boyfriend arrested for drugs but refuses to come home and we cannot afford to continue paying her rent, food utilities, she had a good job but because of this new friend getting arrested she didn't show up to work and was fired.

Matthew was the only one that was ever able to reach her, she has stated that he was the only one she new loved her and the only person she could trust. I just don't know how we can help her. I am going to have to turn her over to God because I can't handle much more.

Thank you all for your replys, I can not even imagine the pain she feels but she refused counseling or any help she thinks she is fine, it is everyone else that is messed up. That may be true but she is striking bottom and I am so afraid for her.

Matthew's mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[mamabets]

For Donosmom- Hi Mary- VERY hard when these kids do not want to do what you know is best for them- Especially when you are trying to help- I had trouble with Jackie when she was wrapped up with Julia's father- Had to tell her that I would not $$ help her until she got rid of him!! One of the most painful, difficult things ever, but not only was he a wreck, his family too, and I could not be a part of it, even though she had Julia.... Wasn't long before Jackie and Julia were here living with us and her ENTIRE life turned around, she has just married a wonderful guy and Julia is safe... Has been for a long time now, and although we have lost our Danny in the process, he left this world knowing that Jackie was being well taken care of...And, she has even gone to college on line and just graduated- Is going for her Bachelors in Criminal justice!!!! Keep the faith!! xoxomamabets- I will send you Gloworm pics when I get them!!

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

While Davey loved pets, he didn't have any here at our house.

He had the tropical fish in a huge tank. The lizard a

(very small one) and turtle were kept in smaller aquariums at

different times. He would call me up and ask me to stop over

at his apartment nearby and see how he had rearranged his lg.

tank, or to see some new fish he had bought. He spent a lot of

time in pet stores. His puppy died after only a wk. after he

had adopted it at a shelter. The pup was the smallest of a litter

and mother dog brought into the shelter. He was 19, but still

cried over that pup. He buried it in the back yard. Did Danny

like pets? I bet he liked your dogs, didn't he? Thanks for

the info about Danny. I like reading the posts where everyone

tells about their wonderful children. Peace to you and all

here at BI. p.s. No iguanas for me!!--my kitty is enough.

[daveydow1]

Donosmom,

So sorry about your daughter's problems. I will keep

her in my prayers, and hope that something positive

will turn up soon in her life. Peace be with you, Mary.

[kirksdad]

Mamabets, our daughter is majoring in criminal justice, also. Where that come from I don't know, she seems to be happy with it and I am glad she has something. At times things can be a little iffy, but hopefully some day things will even out, if only a little.

[mamabets]

For Kirksdad- Both of the girls in criminal justice??!! How cool is that- Boys are making sure that somebody does it right- Fair and honest... SOOOOOO good to see you here-I have missed you- I know that the tail end of 2005 was very difficult for you- I remember your posts saying that there was just so much going on... How is the family who lost their child, your dear friends?? Oprah had a clip on today of her upcoming shows... Susan St. James and Dick Ebersole and their other boys-2- They lost a son, plane crash, i think, and she is just a broken Mommy... Completely shattered and does not even look like the same person... I thought, this happened awhile ago, maybe a couple of years - She could use all of us at Beyond Indigo...!! I so felt for her, my heart broke. Be well and somehow we will all help you with the iffy- It is tough- How is your wife holding up? xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- The tanks with the fish can be very, very calming to watch, they say!! What a terrible, cruel deal Davey got when that poor little puppy died- Dash, right?? They are side by side now for sure, don't you believe it??? I do- I get comfort from believing things like this. It is all that we have to hold on to at times, when we are so engulfed in missing our boys. I hope that you are believing it too...I love you and thanks for writing!! xoxomamabets My brothers had snakes too-! What were my parents thinking?? Then, my little brother wanted a "howler monkey"- That's where they drew the line!!

[mominagony]

Hello everyone.....

I have been coming here periodically and reading but have never posted.

I lost my 28 year old son 8 months ago. Auto accident and on my birthday.

He was the light of my life.....and my friend. I have a 34 year old daughter,

too.

At this stage, facing the reality that I'll never see him again, I am

afraid, at times, that I'm losing my mind. I am not a deeply religious

person and can't know...without a doubt....that Matthew is in heaven. I

have been told by the boy in the car with him (who survived) that Matt

didn't suffer. He opened his eyes, let out a deep breath and passed. His

body shielded the other person....took the force of the impact. I donated

what was viable, but major organs were not. There was not a scratch on his

beautiful face.

I am crying writing this.....I can't stand this pain. I know it was a

horrible, tragic accident. Matt was much too smart to do something stupid...

so I know it was a lapse of good jusgement and, because he drove a manual

shift, that slowed him down.....a second or two either way he'd still be

here. Too, he had just traded in his huge pick-up truck for a small, more

affordable Dodge Neon.

I try to tell myself that Matt wouldn't want me suffering so. I play and

re-play images and thoughts in my brain and am tormented. God...if he did

suffer at all....it was for seconds. I'm not sure the brain can process

something like a violent, blunt force trauma like he suffered. But....I

re-live it almost every second of every day and I feel am at my breking point.

May I mention that I lost my brother 12 years ago (age 40...died in his vehicle,

too, from a heart attack), then cared for a lost my husband 8 years ago and, 3

years ago, lost my mother in an accident identical to Matthew's. Hit by a

pick up truck and on a Monday. Mom lived for a while, though....maybe an hour.

How much can one's mind take? Please pray for my strength to walk this

continued journey of grief. I am 58...have to work full-time....but feel

the spirit and life-force energy draining.

Blessings to you all and your children. My heart breaks knowing your pain.....

Linda

[mamabets]

For Mominagony- You poor thing- Eight months is just a brutal time during this, particularly having lost other loves prior to this. Please know, that it is with open arms and hearts that we all welcome you here, while we all know the torture of losing a child. The only thing I can say is that this website has been my saving grace. I can find someone during the middle of the night, as sleep is never quite the same. And, as time has passed, my son Danny left us in June of 2004, I am finding that I owe this lifetime and people like you, what has been so freely given to me- A place where I am understood and cared about, always, no strings attatched. There is no silver lining, as we have all come to realize, but I do remember a time, not too long ago, when I did lose my mind and it was the people here, that while "losing" their own, carried me through, The ties that you make here will be ties that will be with you forever. We have become a part of this unique family- No name, no right, no wrong, no child that will help to fix this tomorrow- But, having said that, I do have Danny's memory to make, here. Here at Beyond Indigo, where I kid you not, he too has made friends. PLEASE, e-mail me at any time- huntross4@aol.com and know that I am checking this all the time. xoxomamabets

[mominagony]

Thanks Mamabets......

I need a "safe" place to vent and agonize. My daughter has sort of

drifted away and it worries me. I refuse to unload on her, as I really

don't think she's faced the reality of losing her brother yet. I

have a major meltdown regularly.....and I think she's still in denial.

She has a beau, a life with him to look forward to, and I don't want

to bring her down. When my brother died, my mother pounded me into

the ground....and I don't want to do that to Jen.

That said, I have been attending support groups but, just this past

Friday, called for some psychological referrals. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant and I have been taking it now for 3 months. The groups, the

pills, etc. just aren't enough. The constant phone calls from friends

stopped long ago. I suppose they see me working, smiling, carrying on and

think everything's okay. Little do they know......huh?

My e-mail is listed in my profile. Thanks for sharing yours.....

Blessings to you,

Linda

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} To Everyone~

Just stopping by to let you all know that I am thinking of and praying for you daily. I light my prayer candle, and then I read your messages of anguish, sorrow, and pain, and I pray that God will grant each of you peace and comfort.

My situation is so completely different than your situations, which limits my ability to participate in the majority your discussions in any meaningful way. I haven't much to contribute to the conversations, except my thoughts and prayers.

And so I read your stories and feel your pain, trying to absorb some of it so that I can release it for you through my meditations and prayers. I light candles in your children's memories, and in honor of you as you find the strength to cope with the greatest loss any person can ever experience.

When you are falling apart, I pray that God will glue the pieces of your heart and soul together. When you are lost and confused, I pray that God will guide you and give you wisdom. When you are exhausted, I pray that God will clear your mind so that you may rest. When you are angry, I pray that God will replace your anger with peace and forgiveness. When the other people in your life fail you, I pray that God will soften their hearts and infuse them with the words and actions you need for consolation. When you miss your child so profoundly that words defy description of the depth of your pain, I pray that your angel child will grace you with a sign to remind you that only the physical presence is missing. I pray for the strengthening of your faith and the healing of your soul.

And for each of you, I pray for hope. Hope that every step will lead to a higher understanding and inner peace. Hope that the mystery of death and the eternity of life will be revealed to us someday. Hope that we will all be joined again with our beloved children, and then none of us will ever feel pain again.

My prayers are with you always.

Blessings of peace and comfort to you all~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[donosmom]

Moms2angels, You offer so much! Your prayers and strength and your strong strong beliefs mean so much to me. Just like now you have contributed in a most meaningful way to me. Thank you. You are an inspiration to me.

Matthew's Mama Mary

11-3-79 -07-13-03

[runnersmom]

To Mominagony:

I have not posted in a long while, but felt compelled to check back in tonight – now I think it was because you were here. Our timelines are similar; I lost my 27 yr. old son 9 months ago in an accident. I have lost both parents (and thought losing my mother was the worst thing to happen to me – how naïve I was).

I have felt as though I were losing my mind on a regular basis this past year – I feel as though this life I am living is the “wrong” one, that the real life is somewhere where my son is still alive.

I am not sure of many things any more, but I have learned some things these last few months – I am stronger than I gave myself credit for since I can live with unbearable pain, I can go to work, as you do, and people around me think I am fine – Like you, I have asked for help, from a counselor, from family members, from anti-depressants – I will take help anywhere I can get it.

Just getting through one day is an accomplishment and many here will tell you, take one day, one hour, one breath at a time.

If only we could mend all the broken hearts that are here – truly it is too big a job for one person, so Please Come back to Beyond Indigo as often as you can; there is a lot of wisdom here from far too many people who have walked the same path we are on.

I hope your heart is just a little lighter, as many, many prayers are being said for you tonight.

[kathy714]

Dear Mominagony,i can't believe in reading your post,there are so many paralles with my life,first i will say i am so sorry for the loss of your dear son,and want to welcome you to B.I.,I found this site last feb after the loss of my 21 y.o son,he passed away on his 21st birthday,last Jan,31st.The people here have been so wonderful,and supportive,they really have saved my life.I also have experienced so much loss,in 2001 ,i loss my sister-in-law,who was my best friend ,2 weeks later,my mom,then my brother in law,then last Jan16th,my grandmother,then my son. I have a hard time dealing with the fact ,why do some people experience so much loss ,and others none,is there a reason,i don't know...I hope you are able to find some peace here,and some comfort from reading the post ..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Momof2angels,thank you for all prayers ,we here at B.I can benefit greatly from all the strength you offer,you are such a beautiful and spiritual person,i hope i can only learn from reading your post,to find same strength,and spiritual hope that you offer.thank you and you will also be in my prayers... T/C Kathy,Nates,mom