Loss of an Adult Child

[griffinsmom]

There is a place "Memorials of our children"...something like that...under loss of a child. There are like 31, and are listed by our screen names.

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} To Everyone~

I'd love to respond individually to each one of you, but I'm afraid my responses would spill over onto page two! It's wonderful to see so many of you here sharing, pouring it all out -- wonderful only because it is good for you to do this. I think talking about our grief is a very important healing tool. The more you get out, the less you stuff down. And if you say the same thing 150 times, over and over, that doesn't matter. That's 150 less times that you will think it silently and suffer alone.

For those of you so new to this pain, whose anguish and torment is absolutely unbearable every single moment of every single day ~ I assure you that it will not always be this intense. We, the "seasoned veterans" of 2 + years, are here, pretty much in tact, considering that we were where you are now. And we are sincerely telling you that there is a gentling, a softening, and moments of peace ahead of you. We are giving you the HOPE you need to cling to now.

When my mother died in 1989, a teacher at Michael's school gave me a stack of literature about grief and the process of grieving. A couple of years previously, her precious first born son, at the age of 7, was struck by a car on the street right in front of his house. When several neurologists pronounced that he had no brain activity, she and her husband agreed to remove life support. And, as soon as the tube was removed from his throat, and he went into arrest, she did CPR on him. She was intimately familiar with the deepest grief imaginable.

As my mother was the first significant person to die since my grandfather died when I was 9, I was bereaved. I knew my mother was dying, because I sat beside her and watched her die of renal failure. But, I was unprepared for my response--my deep grief.

My teacher/friend sat down with me after my mother's funeral and explained grief to me this way:

Grief is a wound to your soul.

And, like a wound to your body, when you first sustain the wound, you are in shock, numb and you can't feel the magnitude of the pain. (I think this relates to our system, such as adrenaline kicking in.)

After awhile, the pain becomes apparent and unbearable. The wound needs to be treated and taken care of properly to avoid infection.

The wound will bleed profusely at first, and then it will bleed less. But when disturbed in the slightest way, it will bleed again. Until finally, like two foreign pieces of skin grafting together, new skin covers the wound.

Eventually, a scab develops on top of the wound, and when it gets disturbed, the wound is a bit fresh again.

Until, the wound becomes a scar. Initially, the scar is bright and noticeable and still delicate and tender. Gradually, with time, the scar fades, but, because the wound is so deep, the scar always remains. Yet, it doesn't hurt as much to touch it anymore.

That year, someone close to me died every single month, in some cases two people passed in one month. And so it continued in my life, until 2003, when my beloved angel, Michael, received his wings.

With every loss, my teacher/friend's analogy has been apt and true for my grieving process. I have many scars, and they don't hurt as much to touch now. Of course, some are still more painful than others, and by far, the most painful, and still very new in the overall picture, is the wound in my soul from my earthly separation from Michael.

What I have learned from every loved one on the other side brings me peace and comfort. Every one of my dear ones have contacted me, so I feel confident that life does go on. And all assure me, no one more than Michael, that where they are now is eternal bliss -- beyond anything that we can imagine in our earthly minds. Michael tells me that he is surrounded by love and light, radiant beyond our comprehension when tied to the Earth and its physicality. I believe Michael, and all of those who have communicated with me from my family and friends who have crossed over.

Our children know that we hurt, and that this existence without them here is agonizing for us. That is why I believe that your children, like my son, are with you all of the time. They never leave you.

In one of my first dreams of Michael after he passed, I was holding him and then he held me, which he couldn't really do on Earth. And he spoke, which he also was unable to do on Earth, and said softly, "It hurts." Initially, I was confused, but then, I realized that he was telling me that he understands that it hurts me very badly, and he was comforting me. I could see sadness in his eyes, and even with all of Michael's problems, his eyes were never sad.

So tonight, I embrace you with these thoughts ~ trust that your wound will gradually heal and be less painful, believe that your children are right there with you all of the time and they want you to hurt less, and pray this simple prayer every day: "God, grant me peace and comfort."

My prayer candle is lit in honor of all of our children and you, who are valiantly facing each day as it comes ~ May you hold your children in your dreams ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[julsmom]

Roslyn, your analogy about grief being a wound reminded me of this quote "It has been said that "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wound remains. In time, the mind (protecting its sanity) covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." It is from Rose Kennedy, a woman who knew much grief in her life. Thank you Roslyn for you wise words and insight. Peace, Lynda

[deewithgreeneyes]

Roslyn,,,thank you.

[rhonda68]

Hello all,

I am feeling really upset today I just don't want to go on. I have been off work for awhile now but am suppose to go back to work April 1st. The disability guy was kind of rude said we just want to know that your going to be consistent made me feel like no one wants me back. Everyone just acts like this is nothing like this is a joke. I am so mad I just want off this stupid ride now!

Love you all,

Rhonda

[deewithgreeneyes]

Rhonda...please just hang on with me. I know the feeling, everyday I look at Michelle's urn and ask myself "Is this the day I will join her?" Please, just hang on with me and KNOW that I am only holding on by my bootstraps. If you have to, make believe none of this is happening until you get stronger. Just hang on....

[enufalreddy]

Dear Rhonda........I'm so sorry. I know how you are feeling. Believe me I do.But imagine the reaction from your child when they know that you would destroy yourself or give up because of them. My son may have died because of his own addiction but he never would want me to give up my life without a fight because he is gone.We will be together again. People will never understand until they stand in our shoes.You can't possibly expect them to. Did you understand this thing in others before your own experience with it????????They can't help it that they are clueless.Hope that they stay that way.That means that another child didn't die. My "child" was 32 but he was MY baby.God is not done with me yet or I would be in heaven now. Who knows...he could beam me up at any time. But that is His decision...not mine to make. Our lives are all so intertwined. Look at us here...never having met each other...yet we share something that is so private...our pain,our longing,our sorrow...the darkest moments and thought/feelings and yet we are essentially total strangers.One minute at a time I hang on.My son's first angel day is coming up. I spoke to him for the last time on my birthday. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel about my birthday this year???????Stay here with us.God is not done with you yet. Maybe on my worst day you will be the person who saves my life, my mind.We need each other.I love you...please stay...........Erma

[mattsdad]

Greg,

Just know that I am just an e-mail away if you ever need to talk....

Some days just suck the life out of us...It can't be that way forever.

Together we will get by til the next day.

Jeff

[mattsdad]

To daveydow,

Your husband has nothing to apologize for. We may not show it but our loss is just a fraction of an inch under our skin. Scratch hard enough and the tears fall.

I sometimes feel sorry for myself about losing Matthew. What I could have done...

Ultimately I feel sorry for the potential that could have been Matthew's life.

24 years old and such a tortured life he led.

I not only mourn for his lost life---I mourn for what might have been...

I know we all have had that feeling before. But knowing that he is somewhere better is the only solace we take these days.

There should be no embarrassment in expressing our sorrow.

We all miss our kids. And this feeling will never wane.

Jeff

[daveydow1]

Mattsdad,

I guess we all mourn for "what might have been" and

the lost years with our children. I firmly believe

that all our children are in a better place, and will

not have to suffer as we do now. My son also had some

bumpy and unhappy years. He never got any breaks in

life. His father & I sometimes feel guilty that we

were not able to help him more. He never got any real

breaks, and in the end, some stupid person kills him

with a 40,000 lb. truck. Some luck, huh? I'm sure,though

that Matt and David could be friends right now, and

looking down on all of us. Take care Jeff & BettyAnn,

and Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

I am so sorry you are having trouble with your

workplace. Yes, the workplace can be a very real

challenge, and as you say---they are not always

very understanding. Subconsiously, I believe they

just want us to "get back to normal" (not possible),

and be "productive". I was fortunate that I was so

near to retirement that it was an option for me.

Otherwise I believe I may have been in the same

situation as you are now in regards to working. I

pray that it all works out well for you. Take care,

Rhonda, and keep coming to BI. Prayers & peace.

[daveydow1]

To all at BI,

I agree with what was said about other people

being unable to understand the depth of our

grief, unless they too have lost a child. This

is why I come to BI. Think about it.....where

else could we go and truly let out all our

feelings, grief, and sorrow and have people who

are feeling the same way? Everyone tries to help

the others even though they are hurting terribly

themselves. Where could we ever find such empathy,

love, and understanding? I don't believe it could

be found except on a forum like BI. We don't know

each other personally, but we are all friends.

[mom2angels]

{{{Rhonda}}} ~

I'm so sorry that you encountered a callous attitude regarding your return to work. Obviously, the disability guy only cares about what pertains to work, and not about your heart breaking every day because you miss Richard.

Are you absolutely tied to this job? Is it possible for you to find a different job? Perhaps even a different kind of job? Maybe start all over with a new career? I'm only suggesting this if the idea of returning to your job and/or the people you work with is too overwhelming to you now. Change can be good and beneficial in many ways.

Otherwise, I suggest that you spend the rest of this month mentally preparing yourself to go back to work. Gear up for people to say the wrong thing, nothing, or to treat you differently, because the chances of that happening are fairly likely, as it is so common in our situation. Start steeling yourself up for whatever you think might happen, and then you won't be caught off guard if it does happen. On the other hand, be open to the thought that there will be compassion and caring for you among others in your work place.

Anyone who thinks the loss of your son is nothing or a joke doesn't belong in your world any longer. As Dee said, get rid of the toxic people in your life. That is an extremely important element to healing. You don't need to be around people who are this heartless. Self preservation.

But, remember, like Erma said, the "civilians" (people whose children have not died) are completely clueless to the intensity of our pain. They can't possibly understand, and life as they know it continues on without interruption. As much as we want the world to stop spinning, because ours has been halted, we can't expect that realistically.

Hold strong to your faith, and keep praying that God will grant you peace and comfort. And hug Travis really tight. Richard is always with you, and he will be there with you when you go back to work.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Jeff}}} {{{Greg}}} and all of the wonderful {{{Dads}}} here on BI~

Thank you for sharing your experiences and expressing "the Father's side" of grief. The preponderance of Mothers posting here emphasizes your point that men tend to hold it in, which in so many ways is unhealthy.

I asked my husband tonight whether he felt the need to share his grief on this forum. He responded, "no." But he said that he would gladly support all of the Dads on this forum if he was needed. That would most likely be through me, as my husband is not a typist, and he'd be "timed out" by the site, before he could hunt and peck a simple sentence.

Our situation is so different, because my husband openly shares all of his feelings with me. We are together 24 hours a day (and have been for 14 years), so nothing goes undiscussed by us. We have grieved together, as we do everything together, and for my husband that is enough. He is also devoted to Jonathan's care, and to making sure that I'm okay, and so he sets aside his pain sometimes for our sakes. But not to his detriment. When he needs to talk, he talks.

And he cries. There is no shame in tears. And tears are healing. Some of the most healing therapy Jim and I have experienced is crying in each other's arms. You just have to let it all out sometimes.

And that is why it is fantastic that you come here and share your innermost thoughts and emotions. I applaud you for this, and I am sure that you will be healthier for having done so.

Dads+guilt -- "coulda shoulda woulda" -- you want to fix things, and this isn't fixable. You feel that you should have fixed it before, but you couldn't. And if you could do it all over again, you would have done it all so differently.

But, you know, nobody hands you a user's manual when you have a child. And if your child has problems, there is no trouble shooting guide. All you can do is your best. You have to wing it and improvise and pray for guidance. And do your best.

With the tools you had at your disposal, you did your best. Trust that about yourself. Matthew knows you did your best. All of our children know that we did our best.

Continue to take care of yourselves and those you love, and please keep sharing with us.

Praying for your peace and comfort ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I just wrote a long post and wehn I hit post now, it disappeared, and so I am frustrated, though much of it was simply ramblings from a woman whose heart is much like yours. I wrote a short poem as I rambled and so if it helps you smile or helps you know that while we all walk alone in many ways, we get to walk together here;

Memories take me by the heartstings

and guide me

through the intricate maze of our lives together

where we were Momma and Sweetpea,

where we saw the world through each other's souls,

where we cried when we let each other down,

and we laughed until we cried...

where we began an adult relationship,

that felt so sweet.

All of it the fabric of who we were then,

a moment ago/ ten thousand years ago,

and who we will always be...

deep in memory.

[isabelle]

This Thursday, March 9th will be the 29 month mark. I have not moved from October 9, 2003. The pain is just as intense. I miss Ray more every day. I can't stand this!

Ray'sMom

[ericasmom]

Dear Isabelle,

I am so sorry that you feel as you did when your Son Ray died. My girl Eri died a few months prior. Have you gone back to work? As strange as normal life, (as if there is a normal), sometimes the day to day helps us get back into the world we used to enjoy. Oh I know it will never be the same, how could it? Have you gone to see a therapist? I went back to therapy after Eri was killed. NOt for 5 months but then I was glad to go back, still there, it gives me the place and time to express someof my ache to someone that can give it some shape that I might not be aware of. I cannot explain it well, but I have found therapy and this place the saving grace for me. I was lucky to go back to a woman that I saw upon the birth of my daughter, then was back to her upon the death. Talk about cycles...

I hope that you will keep posting, that you will allow your pain to rain here, so that you are not all alone with it.

Peace,

dee

[deewithgreeneyes]

What a beautiful poem...so beautiful. Thank you.

To erica's mom...I am feeling the same pain, so intense you can't go on through the day. Michelle died just 6 weeks ago. I lost my mind and ended up in a psyhiatric unit for a few days. Came home and still felt I was going crazier and crazier by the day. I have isolated myself completely, drapes closed, not answering the door, answering the phone, going to the store and having panic attacks. Like Dee, I started seeing a psychiatrist (woman) and grief counseling. The psychiatrist promises methere is hope at the end of the tunnel and my behavior is very normal when a parent loses a child. She says it is the greatest loss a person can bear. She also told me life will never be the same, we have all been forced to change...what will our lives be now? I don't know. It scares me as I feel I will never have a life again, that my life ended when my daughter died. I still feel that way yet I know Michelle would not want this. It would make her very sad. She lost her first child and I read her journal she kept up for Sierra for 3 years after her death. The apin was always there, the void was always there, yet somehow she gained the strength to make her baby's death not to be in vain. Now I as a mother am trying to do the same my daughter did, yet I cannot. I am going to try and drag myself to these appointments with the hope that I to will get strong and see what my daughter saw. Right now I am living in a house that is totally vacant, it is geting re-done to be sold. My son put all the things in storage so that I can move as soon as possible, I am living in the room that Michelle and I shared when we were taking care of my mom when she was dying. I cannot be here anymore. My children were raised here, I lost my dad here, my mom here, and now my daughter is gone. If I could I would leave right now, but to where? I am trying to run from the pain...but I can't, it follows me wherever I go. My worst problem is being around people. I never was like this EVER....but now I can't relate to anyone. I am still on disability sometimes think a job would be good for me but not working with people. I think I may volunteer working with animals. My wolves have been puton hold right now because I can't get to them, it is about a 2 hour drive from here and I don't have the constitution to drive all that way right now. I am 49 years old had a massive heart attack April 1 of 2005, have 6 stents in my heart and on all kinds of medicine just to keep megoing. If I wanted I could end it all in 3 days by not taking my heart medication....would my daughter want that? No. Do I want to be with my daughter...yes. This is all that keeps me going. My son would be devestated if I did that. It would tell him he was insignificant to me, which he is not. I love him with all my heart and terrified something will happen to him. I have lost 16 pounds because I don't want to eat....doctors are bugging me about this but I am in control and I don't want to eat. You see, it is a control issue. I have lost control of my life...this is the only control I have, my eating. Sounds stupid but it is true.

So...everyday I ask myself "what would Michelle want for me?". She would tell me life is like the ebb and flow of the ocean...to go with the flow. A tree snaps if it does not bend with the wind....Love, Dee

[ericasmom]

Dear Dee,

thanks, I am glad you like the poem. It is like that isn't it? It seems like yesterday and yet it is forever ago that we had our children in our lives. Your going to therapy does seak to the fact that you want help to learn how to live with this awful hole in your heart, both figurative and literal. Your beating heart and your feeling heart need nourishing, both spiritual and through healthy living. Please Dee, eat, we don't have control, we never did, we really don't, only on this moment and then the next. WE only have control over our behavior at any given moment, and so to live as well as you can in this new life, you must eat some nutritious foods, not a lot, but some fruits, some proteins, lot's of water. YOur son does need to see that you feel life is worth living, and as far as worrying about him...I know. I worry all the time about my boy Jon. He and my daughter lived together before she was killed. His depression frightened me and now, even he is stronger...life does go on, it will get better. No, it will never be the same, but you know that. It will however show you the magic that was there before the tragedy of losing your daughter, Michelle. The sunrise still throws color acorss the horizon each day, even when our senses cannot take it in. Someday, you will see the color again, you will hear the birds...and in those daily pieces of magic and wonder, you just may see your girl, telling you that she is there in each day.

I want you to go eat something now, and ask your girl to help you live strong in her honor.

Peace Sweetie,

dee

Ps. I am also 49

[peacefulnow]

Everyone shows so much strength here. Even when you're having a really difficult time, reaching out to others takes courage. We're all a lot stronger than we think we are, I suspect. I read what everyone has to offer here at BI every day. I'm continually amazed by the compassion, sharing, and words of wisdom. Most days I don't have enough in me to post, and I apologize for that. I'm drained and feel like I'm barely hanging on myself. But I gain so much from all of you.

Today it is two months since Ian's passing. It's a rough day. But, I look at those of you who have made it so much further than I have. Even though your hearts are breaking and you feel like you can't go on...you've done it! You're still finding the strength and courage to face yet another day. That in itself is an inspiration to me. If all of you can survive, then there's hope for me too.

Keep fighting. I'm keeping all of you and your beautiful children in my prayers.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Thank you all. This board is what keeps me going....

I had a very rough morning as well. My Indian spiritual woman came to my house today and spent several hours with me, saging and praying. She gave me a gift, a practice, so that I can be with my daughter. Something that has been taught to her people for hundreds of years and many generations. Must say it brought me some peace. She knew and loved Michelle very much and went to her teacher of her tribe to ask for help for me....the lesson was taught to me. The first day of spring she and I are going on a healing journey together on her native land. It must be on the first day of spring.

I feel some peace and am now going to lay down for awhile. Love, Dee

[griffinsmom]

So...everyday I ask myself "what would Michelle want for me?". She would tell me life is like the ebb and flow of the ocean...to go with the flow. A tree snaps if it does not bend with the wind....Love, Dee

This statement made by Michelle is very powerful when you think of it. What a wise girl....You will feel better soon- then back again...but like she says- "the tree snaps if it dosen't bend with the wind"....And your website is an excellent tribute and will keep you busy.

[daveydow1]

Ericasmom,

What a beautiful poem you have written. I'm sure it

puts into words, how many of us feel. When it comes

to the pain of losing a child, it seems like only

yesterday---but, when it comes to how much we miss

that child, it does feel like a thousand years. You

put that reality to words. Peace be with you always.

[daveydow1]

Isabelle,

I am so sorry that you are having so much sorrow. I

feel the same way at times--my son, Davey's, angel

day is coming up in June---it will be three years

since he passed. I hope and pray that you are able

to find someone whom you can talk to who can understand

and help you.I don't need to tell you that this is a tough, sad road we are on.

Please come back to BI and post/read. We are all with

you here at BI. Prayers & peace.

[daveydow1]

Deewithgreeneyes,

I am so glad to hear that you have met with the

Indian spiritual woman, and that she was able

to give you comfort, and a way to get peace on

this rough journey we are all traveling. We are

not alone on this journey. BI helps out so much,

I have found. Your loss of dear Michelle is so

very new---I can see exactly how you would not

want to have a lot of contact with people at

this point. I have also found that I look to

nature as a source of comfort, inspiration, and

renewal. I know that you have already known this

to be true. I am thinking about you and hoping

you find peace somehow. Sunshine and starlight

to you.

[julsmom]

Isabelle - it will be the 29th month for me on the 13 as Julie died 10/13/03. There have been several funerals at our church recently. I can just about get through the choir singing "Amazing Grace", but they sing a variation of the Lord's Prayer that they sang at Julie's funeral too, I just cry.

Dee - your question "what would Michelle want for me?" brings Julie's words to me - "what is meant to be will be". I work part-time and have recently applied for full-time jobs and both were filled before I got a chance to interview. Her words come back, maybe it is not time for me to work fulltime. May we all find some peace. Lynda

[deewithgreeneyes]

julsmom....tell me about Julie. I have read the other posts on the precious one's we have lost but I have not read about Julie. How old was she?

[julsmom]

Dee - like everyone else, I would need a book to tell you about her. Julie was 27 years old, she lived on Long Island, had just started teaching in the NYC school system and was traveling back from Pittsburgh where she had spent the weekend with her sweetheart, it was Columbus day weekend. Julie spent 7 months in Africa with the Peace Corps after college(she got sick and had to return home)and then had been a youth director for 5 years with 2 different churches. Julie worked fulltime while she completed a masters in teaching. For a semester she worked on Long Island and then got the job in NYC. She was so excited. Julie was one of those crazy people who liked junior high kids. She was to spend the night with us and then go to work from our home (we live in NJ). She had a one car crash outside Philadelphia and died instantly. She was a bright light in the world, she had a deep faith, and always wore "rose colored glasses". I try to honor her life, rather than dwell on her death, although those dark days where I can only remember she is gone keep intruding. Thank you for asking. Like everyone else I enjoy talking about Julie and sharing her with the world. Peace to all of us. Lynda

[aprilsmom]

Hello everyone - thank you for all the prayers; I have survived the last few weeks and have tried to call a truce with my son-in-law. It's out of my hands now and I just have to trust the Lord, take the zoloft, and try to take care of myself and my remaining family. I want to go on all the websites again to remember the beautiful kids and their families. To think that they all know each other now, in a different realm; April is probably telling your kids not to let you get mixed up with her crazy mother:) May the love they have for you enfold everyone of you (and me) tonight. Take Care, Renee

[ericasmom]

Dear Peacefulnow and Deewithgreeneyes,

you both are climbing a huge hill, new on this journey and yet it feels so long that you have been on it. We will be here for you helping you up the hill, just like each jperson here has helped the next. I am so glad that it gives you hope to see those of us that have been traveling for years now, letting you know that you can do it, you can. There will be some better days and some darker too, just know that along the way you are loved adn prayed for.

Daveydow, thanks, I am happy that my poem touched you. I think you and I joined this site around the same time. May you too feel the peace of your Davy.

Sleep well everyone, dream gently.

dee

[ericasmom]

Dee with green eyes,

I am so glad that tonight you are feeling a bit of peace. Tiny grains of peace are worth gold. I will think of you often, and on the first day of spring I will picture you out in the open receiving the grace of the season.

LOve,

the other dee

[maureensmom]

I also read the "loss of a teenager" site, because Maureen was so immature in many ways, at 20 she was really still a teenager. That board has been so sad recently. As I read postings, I am envious of all of you who still have children at home who will grow up, have their own children, and provide some renewal for you. Since Maureen died, I'm hyper-aware of my son's multiple disabilities. He will never have children, he will always need our care, I suspect. Somehow she buffered my sadness about my son. It's so strange - on one hand, my husband and I have never loved him and needed him as much as we do right now, but we're both so discouraged. I'm worried about my husband. He cries every night about Maureen. Sorry to be so negative this morning... I am going to my grief therapy group tonight, maybe that will help.

Georgia

[maskott]

Daveydow1...thanks for thinking of us. Today is Matthew's seven month anniversary. The past few days have been very emotional. Today, I cried on my way to work which makes the rest of the day horrendous. I'm drained and feel like I have no life in me. I know I'm not saying anything new or that no one else has felt this way. I know everyone on this site feels exactly the same as I do. The days preceding are so bad...the day itself is heartbreaking. You have to go on though. It does help to read a post where someone says "my thoughts are with you" or "you are in my prayers". It helps to know that others understand everything you say, understand your pain because they've been there. Thanks for being here for all of us.

I wish I could write to everyone who has posted within the past few days. My heart breaks for all of you. I know your pain...some being so new. Right now, I don't have the energy to write, but please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everyone can find some peace even if its fleeting. We need some peace in order to keep our sanity.

Thanks all for being here and supporting me and Jeff. All of your words are appreciated.

BettyAnn

[maureensmom]

Hang in there, Betty Ann. I'm praying for you all day today. Tomorrow is 3 months for us since Maureen died. I know what everyone means about the anticipation being as bad as the actual date. Is it really possible that our children are all together up there, and trying their best to comfort us? I want to believe that, so much.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Julies mom...Julie is a wonderful, talented and compassionate young woman....a blessing to you. I am so sorry for your tragic loss, I would like to reply to all the posts as well but please know that everyday I pray for all of you. I pray the Creator brings us peace if ourchildren were to be taken. I pray for all of you for the stength to get through this horrible nightmare.

Georgia, I can understand how Maureen bufferd your sadness, I really can. I'm so sorry, so sorry. Is it possible are children are together...I don't know. One thing I do know is that our body is energy. (I am a retired nurse). Our body, hearts everything works on an electrical field which creates energy. Scientifically energy never ceases it only disperses into another form and field. Why then wouldn't our childrens energy continue...into another form and then into another realm around us. Remember energy does not ever quit it goes on and on and on...just into a field we cannot see, touch or feel. But it is still there. I looked at my navel last night in the bathtub (sounds stupid) and remembered that my navel passed on nourishment to Michelle. Along with that nourishment my energy was also passed to her, it was in her body. My energy is still with her and her's with me. If you are Christian remember Mary wept and mourned for her son. She held him and mourned for him, yet he let his mother know he was still with her. I am sure she missed and grieved for her son as long and hard as we did. He was her only child. I am involved with a Native American church as you know and we see things in Nature...signs, find Creator in Nature. Creator is all around us in energy, the wind, the rain, the animals,the trees...in everything that is living. When a tree dies...does it die or does it fall and it's energy feeds Mother Earth? Just my thoughts. I will pray for you today and everyday...Love, Dee

[danielsmom]

Betty Ann, Daniel died on April 17th 2005,and I always find the days leading up to the 17th of the month are very difficult,as is the actual date.I find myself in a complete panic as the date approaches.My thoughts are with you.

Take care

Wendy

[aprilsmom]

Danielsmom- my April also passed on the 17th (nov. 2004) and it creeps up on my subconscience or something around that time every month. I don't want to make you moms any sadder but I think the 11th month was SO SO hard for me; I spent most of it in tears. I know Maskott - I'm praying for you right now for that extra pouring out of peace. I loved the poem Dee, your words are so soothing for such a new loss. Actually, you remind me of my daughter, I used to call her mother earth because of her love for nature. We are also Christians so I think we even appreciate God's creations even more. Please take a look at the site created for April and sign the guestbook. Love, Renee

aprilduarte.com

[deewithgreeneyes]

Wendy...my daughters birthday was April 14th. I know the panic, I am starting the panic now. Her dad wants to have a birthday party at the beach where she drowned. I called him up and read him the riot act from hell. He never bothered to even ask me. I am not going to the beach where my daughter struggled for her life for her birthday. I think I am going to Sedonna Arizona and walk the red rocks, and get some spirituality back. Share my day with her in that manner. Her dad was not even a part of Michelle's life until the last two years. Take care..Dee

[deewithgreeneyes]

I need your help, I am not computer savy and want to look up the memorials. I cannot find the site to click into...can someone help?

[deewithgreeneyes]

Renee, I found Aprils memorial site, what a beautiful girl. She was very much loved, I read all of the comments, you raised a beautiful child. Again, my heart breaks for you. My daughters memorial site is memoriesofmichelle.com

On St. Patrick's day in Santa Barbara they are putting on a memorial film for Michelle at one of the local theaters. She will be in the film, she was quite a talented surfer, very athletic. Strong swimmer, loved the ocean. Out here in Dana Point all the women surfer's and mom's are having a memorial paddle out for Michelle on her birthday. The surfing community is a pretty tight knit group and have been a tremendous amount of support in Kaili's fund. Kaili is Michelle's little 2 year old girl. The kid's were struggling to get along, Ben was working two jobs to make ends meet. Michelle wanted to stay home with Kaili and Ben wanted that as well. Her father set up the store and I have bought a lot of things that I am just giving to the surfers. Makes me feel good to see Michelle's decal on the back of their cars and trucks. The fire chief who was out surfing and tried to rescue Michelle (he pulled her in) bought T shirts and hats for the 3 fire departments in that area. So the firemen are wearing them too. He took it very hard. He calls me every other week to find out how I am. I have heard from surfing clubs from the UK, Chili, Spain, Australia, Hawaii, U.S. and they have all sent me pictures of the paddle out's they did for Michelle. I am saving all these and making a book for Kaili, so she knows her mom and how she was loved and remembered. I am just rattling on...have a good day.

[daveydow1]

Ericasmom,

Thanks for your kind words. Sometimes I forget just

when I did come to find BI. I believe it was some

months after Davey's death. Somehow, I believe that

all the children of BI parents know each other in

heaven. They were all such wonderful people. They

would just gravitate toward each other. This gives

me a lot of comfort, knowing that they are friends.

Peace & prayers.

[peacefulnow]

The memorial sites for April and Michelle are awesome. Both beautiful young women with smiles that just radiate. I'm so sincerely sorry that we all had to lose our wonderful children. Just as they are still very much with you in your hearts...the love in your heart is also still with them. My prayers and thoughts are with all of you. Cindy

[ericasmom]

Daveydow,

yes, I came here a few months after ERi died too. Eri died about a month after Davey. She died the 14th of July of 2003. Forever ago in some ways. I wish you well and I thank you too for your encouraing words.

So many April birthdays, my daughter was born on April 4th, 1984. My 4-4-84 girl. So many lovely angels in our existance.

Peace,

dee

[mamabets]

Hello All- My feet are back on the ground and I think that I have returned to this place called the real world- New baby is gorgeous, Mom is handling 80 well so far, Jackie will be pregnant again before we know it and I know want to know about all of you- It has been a whirlwind week, but a good one. I just don't "bounce" like I used to. My niece Amy's boyfriend returned from Iraq during all of this, so all in all it has been rather exciting. I will never get used to Danny not "chit-chatting" through times like these. He seems further and further away. although I know that he is near. I just wish that everyboby else was as strong in their belief, but they are who they are and I love them all just the same. Fill me in and let me know that I am thinking of you all!! I love you-mamabatexoxoxo

[julsmom]

Dee, thanks for responding. If you wish to see pictures of Julie you can go to this website: http://groups.msn.com/HealingAfterLoss/flyingpenguin.msnw - just copy and paste into your browser/address. It's not really a memorial site, but a place where her boyfriend posted some pics. Peace to all.

Lynda

[daveydow1]

Ericasmom,

Thanks for your reply. Doesn't it seem like ages ago

that all our children,and your Eri and my Davey, passed over?

Then again it feels like only yesterday. I have heard

many parents here at BI say the same thing. You wonder

how it can be both ways. It's just that they were such

an all-important part of our lives. It feels like part

of us died with them. It's amazing how much sorrow &

pain there is at this site, yet how much love, compassion,

and hope there is. Davey was a "young" 31 yrs. old, but

I can see him being good friends with all the other young

lives (that had to end so soon), in heaven. Peace & prayers.

Davey's Mom--Sherry

[aprilsmom]

Dee and Lynda, I just saw Michelle's site and cried and cried. I want to go on Julie's later this evening. Do any of the rest of you notice how each of our kids had this sort of purity of spirit or am I just pumping up my own child because she's gone? It just seems they were all so unique/special (not that most kids aren't) but my mom used to tell me that only the good die young......gosh, I don't want to live to be 100:)

[kathy714]

Dear Aprilsmom,i just made a memorial site for Nathan, so i have been visiting other memorials,and i do notice that alot of the kids do have many things in common,i noticed on all the sites,many parents say their kid seemed ageless,and always got along with everyone,or once you met them you had a friend for ever.I always picked up on both of these statements,because that was how i described Nate.I also noticed a lot of common dates,hopefully all our children are hanging together in that playground in the sky..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[deewithgreeneyes]

I agree with both of you...visiting these sights and seeing the pictures and descriptions of our kids they almost seem angelic...something shining through..a radiance of some sort. It may sound odd but they saeem like "Old souls" to me in youthful bodies. They are all so special.

[peacefulnow]

I agree also. There is something so special that just shines through the photos of the children. I always thought there was something very uniquely special about Ian. It wasn't just me being unable to see my son objectively, because I love him so. There truly were qualities there that drew people to him like a magnet. He was so loved by everyone. He was just a wonderful person to be around. I've no doubt that each of our children had that "special" something. Almost like they were already angels, but visiting earth for a little while to shine some extra light on us. Not that they didn't have their devilish moments too.

I'm really hurting today. I can't stop crying. I miss Ian with all my heart and soul. How can it be real that I'll never get to look into those beautiful blue eyes again...or hold him. I wonder how I'll manage to live my entire life without those precious things. It's so overwhelming and sad. I know everyone understands...really understands. That helps just knowing that.

May we all find some bit of peace today. Cindy