Loss of an Adult Child

[jajjaaj]

Peacefulnow,

I'm so sorry you lost your son, your child you loved so much. Your pain will be raw for a long time. While we all understand what you are going through we will also be there when ever you just need to talk, to vent, or to just cry. I hate that we are all here because of our losses, but glad we can come here to say what is on our minds to those that know what we are feeling. My heart goes out to you in the deepest way. Many hugs to you.

April's mom,

Cyndi

[mamabets]

For Jajjaaj- Feeling as if you have become a totally different person takes a tremendous amount of getting used to. There is no book written on how to do this, because we are each individuals and our kids were each made with their own separate souls, so understanding is all that we can do. We can each understand these feelings, and while we are all different, the similarities are remarkable... i have to believe that all of our sweet kids are together, helping us get through and teaching us a way to survive, knowing that we can feel them with us still. It is just different, so, so different, and getting used to this is another hurdle as we travel this road together. Bless you and keep talking about how you feel- It is the only way...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Midhar- Where in Florida are you from?? xoxomamabets

[midhar]

I do not live in Fl anymore. We moved back to our home town in OH 3 years ago to be by my family. We lived in Tampa for 10 years when the girls were being raised then moved to Arlington TX for 13 then lived in Eustis FL near Mt Dora for 3 years then Leesburg for 6 years. She was killed in Leesburg Fl.

We are not happy here so when my husbands folks pass on we will move somewhere warm again. They are 95 and 93 and have lived with us for 11 years. They will celebrate their 75th wedding ann. in April. It has been an experience having them live with us but for the most part it has been okay.

Know I care, Jeni

[mamabets]

For Midhar- We lived in Florida- My son died in Tampa... We used to live in Brandon/Valric0- Have been in NC for almost 8 years, but Danny stayed in Florida- He was 25 and passed away in June os 2004- he died on I4, near Lutz, just outside of Plant City... It is a small world. Bless your heart and may you find some sort of peace. In time you will, just stay here with us and we will help you.xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Midhar- Where in Ohio? My husband is from there!! Originally from Ohio, but he too was in Florida for a long time- Where in Ohio? xoxomamabets

[enufalreddy]

From reading the posts here I have figured out a way to acknowledge Walter's birthday Feb. 16 that I can be comfortable with. Thank you all for your inspiration. My daughters and other family are going to join me in sending off balloons with our birthday messages to Walter written on them. We won't be all together in one place but have picked a time when we will all let our balloons go at once.Doesn't slow the tears having a plan but at least now I feel I will have a reason to get out of bed that day.I continue to pray for peace of mind and spirit for all of us..............Erma

[midhar]

for MAMABETS,

I live in Toledo Ohio. Both my jhusband and I and both of our girls were born here. Do not like the cold dreary weather.

When I was seeing my family it was okay but now that there has been a problem with my one sister who seems to control everyone here I do not go to any family get togethers because they are all at her house and I no longer feel comfortable there. She was talking nasty about my husband and saying things like he isn\'t really sick, He wants to control you Etc when I told her that the at Scan showed that where he was shot the scar tissue is slowly closing the opening of his upper intestine and food gets stuck there and gets infected and will not digest so he runs a fever and feels very ill till it does.

We were at the beach house where we went every year with all of the family and after 3 days of eating out he got very sick and would not go out anymore to eat. He had not eaten much in 3 days at the house either. I guess she is smarter than the doctors. I also want to know where she got her doctor degree from.

She screamed at me because I was in her husbands car to shut up or she would put me out on the side of the road. That is verbal and treatened physical abuse in my book and i do not need all the negativuty and stress in my life si I stay away. I miss my family but I have survived losing both daughters I can sdure survive this. I do not understand when you have done nothing wrong and someone else does that you end up the person in the wrong.

Know I care, Jeni

[mamabets]

For Midhar- Did you mention in an earlier post that you have lost a son too? You have been through the worst, it seems, so just keep trying to reach out for help here, as we all know what it is like to try to help one another. Just listening is all that one needs alot of the time, and we can all do that for you.xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Midhar- Yes, I see that you lost a son nine months ago...xoxomamabets

[rmcaggiano]

Wnf4ever

Hello, thank-you for your post, I guess I lost my Nicholas only 9 days before

You lost your Warren, I’m so sorry you too lost your son. I’m not sure

Why we lost them, you and I know what life is now………….

I would like keeping in touch with you, also.

Something else I would like to tell you, I was suppose to get married earlier

This year and my Nicholas was suppose to give me away, well, if and when I

Ever do get married my last name will be “Warren”.

My e-mail is rcaggian@daymarkrecovery.org

If you have any trouble just tell me on BI.

Again, thank-you for your post, I really do want to keep in touch.

Rose

[rmcaggiano]

Mamabets

I too live in North Carolina, where do you live?

Rose

[wnf4ever]

Hi Rose!

I am so glad to hear from you!! I KNOW that we will never know the 'why's', not while we are here on earth anyhow...I sent you an email to your new address, please let me know if you get it. I tried through one of my email accounts, and it came back as 'undeliverable' again. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Take care and thank you for responded! I hope we can talk soon.

Marty (Warren's mom)

[missingchris]

Just when you think you might have a handle on things, it all comes crashing back down. It seems worse each time it happens. I just realized it was 18 months today that I last saw my child. Heard his voice, hugged him, breathed in his scent. The pain washes through me like tidal waves. I just want to curl up and leave the world behind for days. If only.......

I hear that someday it gets easier, that it settles into something you can live with. But that day isn't here yet.I sit here alone, wondering WHY , tears making my eyes raw, my heart ripped to shreds.

I MISS MY SON!!!!! I want him back. The feeling of how wrong this is, it's overwhelming tonite. This endless slow death of your soul, I don't see how anything can be left after years of this.

Sorry for venting, but there's no one else who knows.......

[midhar]

Mamabets,

I did not lose a son. I lost a daughter at the hands of her sister so I really lost her too. My husband was shot also and died 2 times. But he made it through a long greuling 8 month recovery. They had to remove all his stitches after the surgery and left him heal from the inside out. He was shot point blank in the stomach as he took the gun away from her. The doctors said he should be dead or crippled because there was nothing but soft tissue there but it went sideways instead of straight thru and that is what saved him. They said it was nothing they did that he is still here.

I know my story is very different from a lot of the rest of you but the

violence site does not have anyone that is writing right now.

It has been a long 6 years with many choices to be made. I chose to live and not die though at first that was all I wanted to do.

It was a very hard steep climb out of the bottom of my world and I still have to make a choice everyday to continue on but I have survieved 6 years and I WILL continue to survive till it my time to leave this world.

Know I care, Jeni

[Artina]

Midhar,

I am so sorry for your losses... it sounds like there has been a lot of pain to deal with. I can't imagine what you have been through but I do want you to know that we are here to help each other deal with the loss of our child(ren) and offer our support to you as well.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Erma,thats,what we did,i sent off 22 balloons,and we put messages in some so if anyone found them,they could read the messages,it did really help me get through the day,i think you will find it a nice and peaceful way to remember your son,we just stood and watched as the balloons just floated away,you will be in my thoughts and prayers.....T.C Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

Dear Peacefulnow,i am so sorry for the loss of your son,and so recent,my heart breaks for you,i can remember the gut wrenching pain i felt,the weeks after losing my son Nathan,i would lose my breath and it felt like i couldn't breath.Ihave just passed 1 year,Jan31st,some days it feels like yesterday,other days it feels like it has been a lifetime,since i have seen and touched,or heard the voice of my dear son Nathan.Beyond Indigo,has helped me in so many ways,you will find that everyone here feels and understands the pain that you are going through,i hope you come back when ever you feel ,you need to express feelings,or to vent,and even to cry,we here all are walking the same path,and our hearts feel your pain,you will be in my prayers....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[peacefulnow]

Kathy, thank you for your kind words. I'm truly sorry about your son, Nate. It does help to know that there are others who feel and understand the pain...each from tragic, personal experience. Every story is different and unique, but all are equally heartbreaking.

My son, Ian, died four weeks ago today. The pain is very hard to endure. I really miss him...a lot. I don't really know how I've made it through these past four weeks. But, I have. I can't really comprehend how I'll live the rest of my life without him either. But I will, I suppose...somehow. I often feel very misunderstood and lonely...like none of my family or friends quite "get it". I haven't been able to bring myself to go to Ian's grave. I haven't been able to delete Ian's phone numbers from my cell phone. Yes, it hurts to see the numbers there, but it would hurt more not to see them there. Looking at his photographs and holding some of his items makes me fall apart each and every time. Yet, I feel compelled to do it. I can't listen to music...any music. I'm not sure why. I feel detached from the "real world"...like I'm an imposter of myself, just going through the motions of what used to be my "normal" life. At any moment, without any warning, I feel an ache in my heart that just stops me in my tracks. I feel so different, that I can hardly recognize myself sometimes. I wonder if I'm slowly, but surely, going crazy.

I'm keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Cindy

[rmcaggiano]

Wnf4ever

Hello,

I’m glad you responded back to me, for some reason my e-mail here isn’t working

Here, however, we will talk, we need to. I know there is a lot we need to say to

Each other, I have so many questions I know I want to ask you, Marty.

I will get my e-mail up and running, even if I have to get you my address and

Phone #. We will speak, one way or another!

Talk soon,

Rose

[mamabets]

For Midhar- There was a confusion with Brokenhearted- On January 29, Brokenhearted message was under Midhar- Sorry! Hope that this site is helping you and know that we are all here to try to help you! Beyond Indigo is a safe haven for all of our wounded souls. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Rcmaggiano- I live right near Charlotte- Where do you live? xoxomamabets

[enufalreddy]

Peacefulnow.....What you are feeling is completely normal. You are describing how we all have felt and still feel now.My son passed last April and I still have his name and number in my address book...even his work phone number.I too know that detached feeling as if I'm floating a notch away from reality.And that sudden pain that stops you in your tracks and feels as if my son is being ripped from my body.The circle of life is out of sync for us and we feel misplaced.Four weeks out you are still pretty much in a state of shock...that numbness that suddenly becomes silent screams of " No...it can't be"And the gallons of tears.We know. Keep coming back.We understand. You can lean on us and we will lean on you............Erma

[daveydow1]

Peacefulnow,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Ian. At only

a few weeks, all of your pain and sorrow are just normal

things everyone feels who has lost a child. My son, Davey,

age 31 died over 2 and a half yrs. ago in a highway crash.

At a few wks. after it happened, I know that I was just

writhing around in such pain, panic, and sorrow. I have also

still kept my son's phone number and all sorts of other

things, and probably will never give them up. This is my way.

Be assured that you must follow your own timetable for your

grieving---not anyone else's. Books, counselors, and other

sources of advice may tell you "steps" you need to take, but

all the education in the world will not prepare a person for

losing a beloved child. So, if I am reading a book on this

subject--(and there are many very useful ones out there), I just

take what works for me. Unless the authors have experienced

this terrible event in their lives, they do not really know.

My prayers are with you. Please come back to BI, so all of us

can help you along this journey. Peace be with you.

[mominagony]

Dear Peacefulnow....

I am so very sorry for your loss and please know that you are not going crazy. If feeling a pain so exquisite and a longing so powerful that it clouds your mind and makes you feel as though you simply cannot imagine going through another day without your son qualifies as insanity, then I am insane, too.

I know we all have those feelings...how could we not?

I lost my son, too, 8 months ago. To this day, I haven't been able to visit his gravesite and am barely able to look at his pictures. It is too painful.

It took me months to enter his room and the dirty laundry and bed clothes are in a plastic bag....so that I can breathe in his smell. A lot of his friends would call his cell phone to hear his voice after the accident. I could not.

I don't know when we get to the point that we can remember our children with smiles instead of tears...when we can genuinely enjoy ourselves without feeling guilty. It makes no sense to me that we have suffered the loss of a child who had so much life to live...so much to give.

My heart breaks for you and all the other moms and dads here.....

Let us pray for each other's peace of mind,

Linda

[kathy714]

Dearpeacefulnow,believe me,you are not going crazy,you are in pain,and rightly so,i still have Nate's cell phone,with his voice on it,right now i feel like i will never have it turned off,his room is as he left it,with all his drawings and posters on the walls,i still have all his clothes,i call his room The Nathan Black museum,he has so much stuff i always see something i hadn't seen before.Right now,this is all still so new to you,i couldn't go to Nate's site for a long time,at first i closed his bedroom door,because it was to painful to think he was no longer in his room,my son stayed home alot,and his friends would hang here,so the quiet still makes me crazy.I still cry everyday,i have come to realize this is a pain that never leaves,the hurt changes and takes on different forms,in the beginning,when i thought of Nathan,i couldn't breath, and i just couldn't believe this could be happening to me, now i just miss Nate so much,i miss his smile,i miss this voice,i miss how he would walk up and hug me and i would say"What do you need now?"joking,I miss my family being complete,and just my comfortable familiar life. My heart breaks for eveyone here,you all we be in my prayers..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[griffinsmom]

Kathy~

I can't agree with you more. So- ditto.

Randi

[midhar]

Mamabets,

It was my fault you got confused as I pushed a wrong button or something. Thank you so much for caring and writing.

My husband is working long days now 9-12. He is a Tax preparer for H and R Block so I am spending a lot of time alone right now.

Could you tell me about who you lost if you do not mind. I am new and do not know about all of you. I hope to keep coming here.

Jeni

[midhar]

Kathy,

I had to empty out the condo Patti and Chris lived in that we bought and rented to them. I had no choice but to go through everything that was theirs. Of course my husband could not help and Jimmy was in school so it was me and my mother-in-law who was 86 at the time. It just about killed both of us because after that we had to move from the house where she was killed to a house with a bedroom for Jimmy. I had to sell the condo and the house and buy another one all in 6 months. I had no time to even think about what I was keeping, getting rid of, saving ETC plus I was in shock and I think that is all that got me through all I had to do at that time.

Later It would catch up to me. I had to help everyone that first year. Both Jim's parents who have lived with us for 12 years now and Jimmy with the loss of his mother, Dealing with the courts and Chris and helping my husband heal physically.

I know if not for the Lord I would be dead too. I would never had been able to get through it all with out HIM. I admit for the first year I cursed him and screamed at him, shook my fist in his face and stomped my feet so hard I could not walk for awhile but through it all he loved me and when I was ready to ask for his help he gave it to me. That is personally how I survived what should have been unsurvivable and no one has to agree with me.

Know I care, Jeni

[mom2angels]

{{{Becki~ MissingChris}}}~

It's difficult for you to believe that you are not always going to be feeling the way you do now, because of the intensity of your grief at this time. Try not to think about that right now. Try not to wonder how you're going to feel in the future and just concentrate on how you feel right now. The better you deal with your grief now, the greater your healing will be for your future.

I didn't believe it, when other parents told me that it would get less intense as time moved on. But, as time moved on, I did learn ways to cope, to adjust and to adapt to the new normal in my life. One parent here used the word, "softer," to describe the pain after you emerge from the grueling period of adjusting and learning to survive the physical absence of your child.

My thoughts and prayers are with you for strength to hold on through this difficult passage and that Chris will make his presence very known to you and that you will find your comfort there.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Cindy~Peaceful Now}}}~

Welcome and please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your dear son, Ian. I'm sure that you are in shock right now, and you will probably remain that way for awhile. Upon reflection, I think of the shock as a kind of buffer from the harshness of the reality. It allows us time to adjust and to ease into the reality of our loss.

What you are experiencing is normal and natural and expected. You are not crazy. You are grief stricken. You are bereft. You are devastated. But you are not crazy.

Your family and friends may have difficulty "getting it," because Ian is not their son, and they are not his mother. There is no pain more complicated or profound than the pain of losing one's child. Nothing in life, in the natural order of things, prepares a parent to lose a child. We have no tools to bring to the situation to help us cope, so we have to learn as we go on the journey of our grief.

I've said before, but I always feel it bears repeating~

Feel your grief, don't stuff anything down. The only way to healing is feeling.

Take care of yourself.

Eat a healthy diet, drink plenty of water, exercise, take vitamins and supplements, because grief is very stressful and affects our physical well being and manifests itself in illness.

Know that Ian is always with you, and he always will be, in a different form. Your relationship still exists and always will, but it will be new and redefined by you and Ian. You will now depend upon your spiritual connection to Ian to have contact between the two of you.

Other people are going to disappoint you, because they don't understand what you need. Or they don't know how to provide it, or what to say, so they will say the wrong thing, or nothing at all, which is sometimes worse. There is nothing to do but to suffer them, know that they mean well or accept that they don't mean harm to you. This is where taking care of yourself comes into practice again.

If you can't do something, because it is just too painful for you, then don't do it. And don't feel guilty about it. My son's hospital gowns and linens are still stacked in his closet the way that they were when he was taken by paramedics out of our home on Mother's Day, May 11, 2003. I can't touch them. I have rearranged his room, and I've been able to donate his equipment and some of his street clothes, but I can't touch those linens and gowns.

When I've mentioned this to several of my friends, they've all responded to me, "So what? So what if you never touch them. Who cares if they are there forever? Is there a reason why they have to be moved? Who is in charge of that decision? You!" Exactly.

Last year, on his angel date, I was able to remove his tropical designer hospital gown, which matched the one he wore on the day he received his wings. I retrieved it from the stack, so carefully as to not disturb anything, and then, I ironed it, folded it delicately, and placed it in the display cabinet of Michael's room, along with other meaningful items we have there.

But I may never be able to touch those linens again. And as my friends have said, it doesn't matter. Maybe someday it won't hurt too much, and I will decide that it is time to move them out of his closet. Or maybe I won't. Either way, it is okay. It's what I need to do, and that is all that is important.

Sharing here with others who completely understand what you are feeling will be very beneficial to you, as you will discover that we have so very much in common. And not one of us is crazy. We are grief stricken, and we desperately miss our children, just like you do, Cindy. We truly understand, and we care.

My prayers are with you for your comfort and peace, and I will light a candle for Ian and for you tonight.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[maureensmom]

Dear Cindy: I'm glad that you found this place, although I am always so sorry to see new parents here at BI. This discussion board saved my life, I think. No where else did people understand so completely, what I was feeling, I was just amazed at how universal all this pain is. Thursday will be 8 weeks since my daughter died. I know exactly how you are feeling, it's the way I feel, also.

Jeni, I also had to clean out the apartment where Maureen lived for the last two years of her life. Her best friends had gone through the place and brought her cats home, and her stuffed bunny, and had also removed "painful things" - I don't even want to know what those were, probably drugs. Maureen was always messy and unconcerned about disorder, but her apartment was just a nightmare, a window into how serious her psychiatric illness was. One of my best friends gave me the gift of a lifetime by going over there with me the weekend after she died, and helping me clean out. We wore rubber gloves, it was so bad. I know she died somewhere in the apartment, but thank God I couldn't quite figure out where that was. Anyway, now I have some regret about throwing almost everything away so ruthlessly. But it was so awful over there, I'm not sure I could ever have done much sorting out. She still has her room here in my house, with some things in it, I saved some clothes, and her friends saved a big box of stuff they thought I would want. Can't go through that yet. But I agree with some of the other parents about not feeling any pressure to do anything. She will be with me always, why should I "do something" with her things? I've gotten boxes to keep all the funeral and memorial service things together, I'm almost compulsive about not even losing a scrap of paper from that week after she died. Still crying all the time.

Georgia

[mamabets]

For Mominagony- Yes, my friend, this is sheer agogny, but I promise you, that in time, while the pain will always be like nothing that you have ever known, you will get to where you start to "feel" things about you that are good things- Things other than the torture that surrounds losing a child. I remember thinking that there is no possible way that I could ever think about anything besides this, but today for example, my family is having a shower for my niece who is having a baby girl in Florida- How unfair it would be to all of them, to myself, and to the memory of Danny if my heart were not happy??? He loved Alison, he has guided her into and through this pregnancy and he loves, still BABIES!!! See, it takes on a whole new something, and it is natural in life to just go through what is in front of you. What happens after losing a child is that you become accutely aware of each and every emotion, and that is good when you start to feel that it is OK to be happy about really happy things. Keep opening up to us, it will help you so much.xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Midhar- My Danny was in the middle of a highway, standing, on June 15, 2004 when he was hit by a semi truck. He made no attempt to get out of the way, and I believe that he clearly knew that it was his time to depart and go to his land of make believe come true. I have always believed it, and I have always honored him. Always. I did when he was here, and I continued to do so during and after his passing. I feel for the truck driver, I wrote him a letter, because this clearly was a terrible accident for him, but I feel that Danny had a moment or two where he really wanted out of here. The truck driver's life has been changed forever and now my nasty ex is suing him. You see, Danny's Dad bullied him and I think that since he couldn't change the fact that he was related to this person, it one day overflowed. It is very long, this story, but certainly not complicated. I know that as perfectly as he entered my life, he too ,held my hand when he walked into Heaven, so I know where he is!! Flying around all over the place taking care of his world, magically!!! I still miss him and always, always will until we are united for forever, never to be separated again!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Peacefulnow- May I ask how your Ian passed away? I lost a friend many years ago- An Ian Laver... He died in a plane crash and I have been talking about him alot lately with an old friend of mine, who lost a little boy named Brian back in 1978, right before my Danny was born. My Danny passed away in June of 2004, and bless your heart- Four weeks into this I was just about out of my mind, but trust me, you aren't going crazy... Anything and everything that you feel is completely normal and all of us have either felt or done every thing that you are doing, including wondered if we were insane. Being the parent of a child that has died is life's cruelest blow... It will, never, ever, ever get any worse than this. In time, you will come to feel that there is something to live for, because you will reflect back and realize that you are somehow doing it. In the meantime, stay with us here, because we all "get it" and we all are eager to make progress with this process. To stay stuck in certain parts of it just causes more pain, and I have come to realize that talking to myself and the people that "get it" now is key. By the way, not all people in your life will get it!!! Try to emotionally steer clear from those that don't and think that you should move on... You will find that the people that hurt your feelings before, typically will do so now, however, not intentionally. We are here for you and admire your strength in reaching out. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Maureensmom- I am always so amazed at the parents, who after such a short period of time, are here helping other people out. Your Maureen departed 8 short weeks age and you are starting to somehow look ahead, because you are able to remember a time, 8 short weeks ago, when life was even different than it is today. While this journey never gets easier, the route becomes familiar and somehow we are given the directions in our hearts as to what to do with it. We are never lost, as long as we have each other here, and our babies are never gone, for they are together there. And, trust in knowing that they are. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- In reading some of the posts on the other forums, I keep coming across how you were in Florida with Nate in April of 2004. That was my last time with Danny... April into early May... We were all together then, not knowing what this life had in store for us, although Danny had tried to "go to sleep" a couple of times prior to... So many things that were told to me afterwards... Where were you guys?? xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Mominagony,

I can understand your intense pain at this 8 months after your

loss. I believe I was a lot like you at that stage after my

son passed in June/03. You mentioned the laundry. Even after

this length of time for me, I still have 2 prs. of jeans in

the basement folded up, just sitting there. They should have

been washed, but somehow I couldn't wash them because I did not

want to be "finished". They are still there. We each have to

go along as we feel we can. No one else can tell us how to do

our grieving. You also mentioned your son's cell phone. I think

it is comforting for a parent to have something of our child's

that they used on a regular basis. My son must have had his cell

phone in his car when that horrific crash occured, for I was never

able to find it in his room. I looked everywhere. It must have

been lost in the wreck. There was very little left after the crash.

Your terrible pain now is so very normal for a grieving parent. I

hope that you continue to come to BI. We are all on a rough road

that we never wanted to be on. You will be in my prayers. Peace be

with you.

[maureensmom]

Cellphones, they are so incredibly painful. I won't ever forget Maureen's voice mail message, it is the way I best remember her voice. But I couldn't stand to have the cell phone still operating when she was dead. Turning off her cell phone was right up there next to having our mechanic sell her little car that she loved in terms of sadness,but I just had to do it. Ironically, it turned out that there were photos on the cell phone that her boyfriend begged for, so he had it reactivated, and is using it with his phone number. I assume her voicemail audio is gone. I don't know how I feel about that. I do know that I called both her phone numbers twice in the week after her death, to somehow get it through to me that she really was dead. No way would my daughter have existed without multiple phones, such a teenager. I love her so much, it's just killing me to exist like this without her.

[julsmom]

I guess I too have become a "Lurker". I read daily (sometimes more than daily) but do not post often. The recent discussions are so familiar. Cell phones - it could have been what caused the accident. Witnesses said she was distracted. Clothes - there are still some tucked in corners here at home that I cannot get to. The dress I wore for the funeral is still hung on the back of the door to my bathroom. I never put it on again. I can understand why in the "old" days people bought special mourning clothes. As for moving stuff out of her apartment, I became so anxious that I ended up in the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack. Friends went with my husband to do it. The boxes still sit in our garage, unopened and untouched. Today I went to a funeral and there was a bagpiper. I heard Julie's voice clear as day - "remember when the pipers piped in the seminary graduates when Dad graduated?" May we all find peace. Lynda

[mamabets]

For All- You just hang on to those clothes for as long as you want to- Just as they are- For forever, if you want- Remember, though, that I have the quilt that was made from Danny's clothes and it is miraculous in that it comforts me like a miracle every time I cuddle with it- It was such a magnificent gift, I feel his love in each and every thread, and it is overpowering EVERY time I snuggle with it- When in doubt, do nothing, but it is always a hopeful option at some point...I never would have thought that I would have gotten comfort out of this, but trust me.. It is a work of art, it is mine, and it is all about him, put together by the love of his life and therefore another love of mine- Jackie, too, sent clothes of his that she had, to Liana...... If anyone, again, wants to see it, just e-mail me!! I love you all..xoxoxomamabets and her little touch of Heaven

[mamabets]

For Maskott- I am thinking about you and holding you close to my heart, knowing that you know Matthew is near, always. One step at a time, with him as your guide will absolutely carry you through this. I love you and am here for you always...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad-Hey you, I am thinking about you and hoping that you find your that weary heart has settled some. The boys are together, forever, watching out for the girls and the babies, on their playground called peace... I am with you always and will forever be just a phone call away...I love you!! mamabetsxoxoxo

[kathy714]

Dear Jeni,i am so sorry for all you have been through,that whole first year must of been so overwhelming,i can understand how you were probally angery at god,I too had some of those feeling after losing Nathan.Ihad loss 5 people in 2001 ,that is was very close to,one being my mom,so after Nathan,i told my husband i was losing faith in god,and he said to me"Kathy,don,t god gave Nathan to us for 21 years.He was right ,And i believe that it is God and Nathan that gives me the strength to go on every day,just like it was probally god and your daughter,who gave you the strength to do all you had to do,to clean out that house,and to care for your husband, and to forgive and love your other daughter, my heart goes out to you for everything you have been through,you will be in my prayers,T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[ellswest]

To all- Dealing with our children's belongings is one of the most painful things.

In our situation, our younger son moved into Bobby's room and took up all his clothes and belongings. They were 2 1/2 years apart and had never shared much, so it was very strange to say the least, but somehow I don't see how it could have happened any other way.

Bobby had his cell phone with him when his friend's car went over the line and crashed into the other car. It was damaged in the accident, but the CHP was still able to figure out who he had called that night. I still wish I had called him when I knew he was out so late...but I had gone to bed.

His cell phone was returned to us and for a while the LCD screen that was damaged started to show shapes and I tried to see things that would be a message from him. I have the cell phone near my computer and often hold it trying to understand all this. I think the belongings that were returned to us from the night he died have the most pain attatched to them...watch, wallet, cell phone..

Has anyone else felt a strong urge to move to another house, community or place since their loss? After 2 years, I am feeling that I don't want to live here anymore, seeing parents who still have their kids, (and the looks on their faces when they recognize me.....he knew so many people in our small community)seeing Bobby's friends grow up, get married, have children...it hurts. Peace to all of us....Mary

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone,

May the sun be shining on you today as it is here in Chicagoland. We have had a very gray and unusually warm winter. Today is back to a real winter withsun and cold temps. It makes the world feel better when it behaves as it is naturally expected. The world is hardly normal when your child is gone, I know and while I have not posted for a long time, I continually pray for all that post hoping that each day you are able to feel some sort of peace. I know that that will not happen right away, some of you are so new to this path and so peace may not be on the agenda for a while but then again...everyone at their own pace.

My girl, Erica, died six days after being struck by an Amtrak at a faulty light in Kalamazoo, michigan in July of 2003.

I agree with several of the MOMS and DADS here that have said that the shock of our losses serve to protect us from any more harshness of the situation. I know that as one month passed, a bit of shock had shed but not much, and then at 3 months I felt the raw pain that the shock cushioned my soul from. IT was frightening, but as one Mom here said, go through it, it is the only way to one day feel like laughing and taking an active role in the world. Often times, we are given the message from our loved ones that we should 'buck-up' or get stronger, but they just do not get that this is through and through, it is with us as we garden, as we drive to work, as we eat a meal, as we wake so many times in the night feeling the weight of our loss. Realize that there is no way for others to fully get it, just go through it as you must, write it all down if it helps, read other's feelings, (YEar of Magical Thinking,by JoanDidion, Name All the Animals by Allison Smith), go to therapy, take walks, talk to your baby outloud if it helps. The point is do what will help you today. Take small steps as this is a long journey, one in which we msut learn a new way, and it is worth it taking it your way. We lost any control we thought we had, now this is something to take command of, your mental and physical health. I know that my daughter would dearly want me to continue on in taking good care of myself, and to try to work doing what i love. I did not think I could work again, but I went back in September when school started, (teach 3rd grade), and I felt Eri directing me, helping me get through some of those tough days, I felt her presence and I pressed on. I talk to ERi, somedays on my walks I just talk with her, and i really do not care if I look like a crazy lady, I am a lady who is still connected with my child, and I thank God and Erica for the strength they lend on days when there is little light in my heart.

I need to impart this thought before ending my ramble, it does change, it will not always feel as it does today. You will always have this loss, but the ways you walk into the day will become lighter, it will evolve and you will stand tall again. When you approach the 1st anniversary, we will all be here to let you know how we traveled that time, and we will always be here because now it is another home.

One thing sure, you will always have that child andf they will always have you.

Peace,

dee

[ericasmom]

ellswest,

the belongings are a hard piece of dealing with this unbelievable pain. I cleaned out ERica's room in a house she shared with her dear brother, and some others. (my son is 2.5 years older like your children. ) They lived in Michigan while going to college, eri was 19 at the time of her death. We live in Chicago area and went to MIchigan to gather her things. It was a most difficult journey, while there I distributed many of her clothes and shoes and coats to her girlfriends that came to help. Ikept a few items of clothing, her prom gown and graduation gown that we bought on the same day. A great day. So yes, hard times.

I have never felt like moving but certainly know of people that have and it was a blessing to them. It is so individual this grief thing and yet so universal too. I wish you some peace in your decisions.

dee

[mattsdad]

Hey mamabets,

Haven't posted here lately---but am always thinking of you and all of us here at B.I. I find it easier to communicate via e-mail lately, as most of my thoughts are not positive. I do not want to only post when I am feeling negative (or at least not positive). There is so much energy on this site. We all learn so much from each other every day. Without all of you life would be so much emptier.

Briansdad-Greg---

So much is happening so quickly-Let me know what you are feeling @ byrde55@go.com....

alwaysmyjennifer-Mark,

I know you have no time for yourself these days... Just a short note to let you know I think of you often and hope you have the strength to carry on for yourself and your wife.

Always,

Jeff

[kathy714]

I just had to come to vent,i had such a bad day today,Superbowl Sunday,will never be the same for me,Nathan's birthday being Jan 31st,many times we would celebrate his b'day the following sunday,and combine it with superbowl.Idid everything in my power to prepare myself for Jan31st,but never gave today a thought,until today,i cried all day,it was awful,it's those days that sneak up ,and hit me on the head ,that are the worst.I feel so empty and lost all over again,maybe it is going past the 1 year mark that is also killing me,all i know is i miss Nathan so much,and i want him back....sorry bad day..T/C ALL ,Kathy,Nate's mom forever

[peacefulnow]

It's so rough, Kathy. I can truly relate to what you are saying. I was all set to watch the superbowl, feeling not great...but okay. Suddenly I could feel the pain and sadness start to overwhelm me. Silent tears started slipping from my eyes. I had to leave the room...and then I completely fell apart. Today is one month since Ian died. Apparently the anniversaries of our child's death are gut wrenching...whether it's a week, a month, a year, 10 years, or more. I'm not a seasoned bereaved parent, this is all pretty new to me...and pretty awful, also. But, I think I can safely say that it isn't necessary to apologize about telling us how you feel. It's okay. The emptiness, sadness, the terrible feeling of missing our child so much is just unbearable... Cindy