Loss of an Adult Child

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,Nathan's 1st year anniversary and his birthday is Tuesday,Jan31st, my heart is also breaking,i know just what you are going through,i even took time out from work,because i just don't feel like dealing with all that stress. M aybe i can give you some idea's,Last year when Nate was going to turn 21,they had planned a huge party for him with a bonn fire,that day when he passed everyone was here so they still had the party in memory of Nate,because they knew he would of wanted that,so Tuesday,we are going to have a big bonn fire, then go down to the lake[across from where i live],where Nathan spent all his life growing up,and we are going to send off balloons from the dock. Nathan's bus driver from high school emailed me .asking to come and if he could bring pizza,because he said everyday Nathan would ask him to stop at Domminio's pizza, so the kids could all buy a slice,so everyday they would stop.He said that what he thinks of ,when he thinks of Nate.Iknow it will be a very emotional day for me,thinking how 22 years ago god brought Nate into the world and into my arms,and last year on the same day Nate left ....You will be in my thoughts and in my prayers,as our beautiful children's angel date grow closer..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends,

I read all of the posts here each and every day,its so sad that there are more and more new grieving parents here each day, it seems.

I just wanted to tell you all who are in such pain and anguish....it will get softer as the time goes on, it wont ever be the same as it was when our children were alive, but it will get to a point where you will actually start to look at the sunrise and smile...Its been three years since my daughter Carrie Ann died, and it will be three years in July that my son Matthew joined her....I never thought I would be writing this letter to you all, but here I am...I keep busy with speaking to parents and kids about drug abuse, thats how they died, and it has been, I must say, a rewarding experience...

I dont feel that there has been any divine intervention, its just been my trying to help others, and finally realizing that life as I once knew it has changed, and will never be the same as it once was. I still visit them each day and remember their birthdays, and Angel days with much sorrow and sadness, but I do laugh with them at times. I am learning to give all my love to my remaing child Chris, hes in the air force, and has about 7 more years till he retires....

Well sorry to have taken up so much time , but I hope this will give each of you some hope...we will be with them again, and are with them now..

My love to all of you, and I hope you find some peace.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[bokenhearted]

Heartbrokendad

Thankyou for writing. I need to hear as often as possible that time is going to make this awful period of my life soften. It has just gone 9 months since I lost my son to suicide. His death has effected my family so much. Just recently my mother-in-law, who is 82, has fallen in a depressed heap and as I am the only daughter inlaw it has fallen on me to try to help her. I don't mind but at times I am having such a battle trying to just keep my own head a float that I don't think I can cope. I find myself crying more now than I did when he first died. I am scared that I might fall into that pit of dispair too sometimes. I really don't want to go there to that hell hole. I once nearly had a nervous breakdown after my fathers death and I swore then that I wouldn't ever go there again. Little did I know that I would loose my son in the future. Life really is cruel and at times I sit and think what are we here on this earth for, what is life really about. Sorry I am on a real downer at the moment but I have just had to send my Mother-in-law into a home for respite as I just couldn't manage at the moment and I feel I am letting her down.

Here I am going on and on but what I really wanted to say to you was I think that you talking to others about the drug abuse and helping is wonderful. It is something that I hope that I maybe able to do later when I am a bit more in control of my emotions. My son was not a user as such but he only took 1 ecstasy tablet and for him that was all it took. It altered his brain to the point that he became so paranoid that he thought he was going to be killed but he worried that these people who wanted him would kill us to get to him. So in his mind he saved us by committing suicide. I want others to know just what sort of chance they may be taking with their lives and their families lives by taking these rotten drugs. It is just Russian Roulette isn't it? I take my hat off to you for what you are doing. And thanks again for writing here.

Jo

[julsmom]

Stu - it's good to see you on the board. I'm glad things are going well for you. Enjoy your son's company. Peace, Lynda

[midhar]

Heartbrokendad

Thankyou for writing. I need to hear as often as possible that time is going to make this awful period of my life soften. It has just gone 9 months since I lost my son to suicide. His death has effected my family so much. Just recently my mother-in-law, who is 82, has fallen in a depressed heap and as I am the only daughter inlaw it has fallen on me to try to help her. I don't mind but at times I am having such a battle trying to just keep my own head a float that I don't think I can cope. I find myself crying more now than I did when he first died. I am scared that I might fall into that pit of dispair too sometimes. I really don't want to go there to that hell hole. I once nearly had a nervous breakdown after my fathers death and I swore then that I wouldn't ever go there again. Little did I know that I would loose my son in the future. Life really is cruel and at times I sit and think what are we here on this earth for, what is life really about. Sorry I am on a real downer at the moment but I have just had to send my Mother-in-law into a home for respite as I just couldn't manage at the moment and I feel I am letting her down.

Here I am going on and on but what I really wanted to say to you was I think that you talking to others about the drug abuse and helping is wonderful. It is something that I hope that I maybe able to do later when I am a bit more in control of my emotions. My son was not a user as such but he only took 1 ecstasy tablet and for him that was all it took. It altered his brain to the point that he became so paranoid that he thought he was going to be killed but he worried that these people who wanted him would kill us to get to him. So in his mind he saved us by committing suicide. I want others to know just what sort of chance they may be taking with their lives and their families lives by taking these rotten drugs. It is just Russian Roulette isn't it? I take my hat off to you for what you are doing. And thanks again for writing here.

Jo

[midhar]

Heartbrokendad

Thankyou for writing. I need to hear as often as possible that time is going to make this awful period of my life soften. It has just gone 9 months since I lost my son to suicide. His death has effected my family so much. Just recently my mother-in-law, who is 82, has fallen in a depressed heap and as I am the only daughter inlaw it has fallen on me to try to help her. I don't mind but at times I am having such a battle trying to just keep my own head a float that I don't think I can cope. I find myself crying more now than I did when he first died. I am scared that I might fall into that pit of dispair too sometimes. I really don't want to go there to that hell hole. I once nearly had a nervous breakdown after my fathers death and I swore then that I wouldn't ever go there again. Little did I know that I would loose my son in the future. Life really is cruel and at times I sit and think what are we here on this earth for, what is life really about. Sorry I am on a real downer at the moment but I have just had to send my Mother-in-law into a home for respite as I just couldn't manage at the moment and I feel I am letting her down.

Here I am going on and on but what I really wanted to say to you was I think that you talking to others about the drug abuse and helping is wonderful. It is something that I hope that I maybe able to do later when I am a bit more in control of my emotions. My son was not a user as such but he only took 1 ecstasy tablet and for him that was all it took. It altered his brain to the point that he became so paranoid that he thought he was going to be killed but he worried that these people who wanted him would kill us to get to him. So in his mind he saved us by committing suicide. I want others to know just what sort of chance they may be taking with their lives and their families lives by taking these rotten drugs. It is just Russian Roulette isn't it? I take my hat off to you for what you are doing. And thanks again for writing here.

Jo

[daveydow1]

Kathy714 and Rhonda68,

I will remember you in my prayers as your angel dates are

coming up. The pain is so acute for all the "firsts". I

am heading up to my son's third angel day, and the sorrow

is always there, but as Stu said--it does get a little

softer with time. Please take care of yourselves, and

peace be with you.

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}

I'd like to introduce you to Jeni, who I met on the BI Grief and Court System forum. Jeni's User Name is Midhar. Here is Jeni's first post on the Court System forum:

*******************

Hi everyone,

I am new here. I just found your site from a lady in Crisis grief and healing.

Mine was a violent loss. Patti 37 was killed by her bi-polar sister Chris 35. She also shot her father and was going to shoot me. She had never been violent or threatening to any of us before that night. Will never understand the why's of it.

This happened 5-6-99 and I have survived so far. These last holidays were harder for me for some reason. Patti had our only grandchild and he was 16 when we lost her. He is now in the Navy in Sicily for 6 months and was not home for the holidays either so they were very lonely for us.

Jeni

*****************

And here is Jeni's second post on the Court System forum:

*****************

Hi Roslyn,

Thank you for responding.

I went to adult child but really meesed up. Did not see the reply button and pushes another and it copied another e-mail 2 times. Sorry.

Who have you lost if I may ask. How long has yoyr grief journey been.

I know the first 2 years for me were the worst and a lot of them a blur. But reality does set in and you have to make a decision at that time whether you want to live or die as those are the only 2 choices we have.

I am going through a lot of side issues with my daughter in prison. I know she did a horrible terrible thing and I hate what she did!!!! but I do not hate her. I do not know how to hate my child. I have always loved them unconditionally not that what they do or did is something I approved of.

She is bi-polar manic depressive. The judge said she is mentally ill not insane so they sent her to prison where they are treating her awful and not seeing to he medical needs and mental needs. She is suicidal a lot. Right now she has fibroid tumors and cysts that they finally after 4 months discovered while she has been in horrible pain from them. She is still in pain and they are going to check her blood again and another Ultra sound but that all takes so much time and she is suicidal from the pain. She has a very high tolerance to pain and alwyas did so if she is in tears and talking about killing herslef it has to very bad.

I am doing what I can getting a advocacy group involved and the Office of Public Health for prisoners but that is all I can do as I have no rights. I just do not want a call that she is dead either by her own hand or from her female problems.

Sorry this is long but it is very hard not having people to talk to that can understand the loss of a child let alone violently.It helps to talk to other who have lost a child no matter how it happened. WE are the only ones who really understand that our lives will NEVER be the same as long as we live. We are different people today and we do not ever get over it or get closure. I have just learned to live around the hole in my heart.

Jeni

*******************

Please join me in welcoming Jeni to our forum. Blessings of peace and comfort to all~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mominagony]

Dear all.....

I didn't have a chance to check the posts until now and wanted to send along

a hug to you all. I am humbled reading your posts and, while I struggle to

find my way through my grief, I cannot imagine having to experience what some of you have had to bear.

I have no idea why we were chosen to endure this pain but, maybe one of these

days, we will understand? Do you think that's possible?

Welcome Jeni....

Blessings to you all and prayers for peace of mind,

Linda

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,Where are you....I miss you,i hope you are ok,please let us know...love & miss you,Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Maureensmom,i can understand how you feel,when you talk about the empty and lonely house.My house use to be crazy when Nathan was here,he was always inviting friends to stay here until they got a place,my house seemed like the place to hang,also our dog had puppies last Dec,so i had 8 puppies here at one time,now it is just my husband and i,plus mommy dog.I think the quiet was so hard to get use to,i still can't stand it,i turn the tv on as soon as i get up in the morning and it stays on all the time,just to have some noice.Also the phone use to start ringing off the hook first thing in the morning,now some day it never rings,and when it does ,it's a telamarketer[lol].Life really stinks sometimes,doesn't it....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Jeni,i am so sorry for all you have been through,and for the loss of your husband,and daughter,also it must be so differcult watching your other daughter suffer so.I loss my son last Jan31st,on his 21st birthday,the police found Nathan in the morning in a bank parking lot,he was lying next to a van,it was 10 degrees that night,he had been drinking,then left the bar with a stranger,and that is really all we know,autopsy showed no drugs,so it has been a guessing game.I hope you return to this forum,everyone is so supportive here,i think you will find everyone here understands how it feels to lose someone they love,more than life itself.You will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nates,mom

[enufalreddy]

Good morning all...so sad today. I am totally at peace with where my son is now and that he is serene and loved. But sometimes the image of him lying there on that hospital gurney,cold and lifeless just chills me to the bone. It makes my heart ache and I miss seeing him alive and warm and full of spit and vinegar. I love him so much. Why did he have to do these things to himself that lead him to his death? My beautiful baby boy so stiff and cold and lifeless? I can't stand it. I will have to remember where and what he is now. Without anxiety or pain,warm and loved. But I miss him being here with me.I know you all understand what I'm saying. I needed to say it,even if only in type, to someone else.Thank you for being here for me and all of us who are in this lifeboat together. A very sad day today.Like my girlfriend says to me " God gives us a neverending supply of tears " I think she is right. Erma

[maureensmom]

I"m also tortured by that experience in the ER - my girl laying on a gurney, arms and legs just hanging, sheet over her face, I sometimes can't believe I didn't die right there. If there is anything positive to be understood from these nightmarish memories, it's my absolute belief in the presence of a soul, alive, vibrant, responsive... because her soul had exited her body, no question in my mind whatsoever. But, that doesn't help me much when I can't talk to her, can't touch her, can't hug her.

Good morning all...so sad today. I am totally at peace with where my son is now and that he is serene and loved. But sometimes the image of him lying there on that hospital gurney,cold and lifeless just chills me to the bone. It makes my heart ache and I miss seeing him alive and warm and full of spit and vinegar. I love him so much. Why did he have to do these things to himself that lead him to his death? My beautiful baby boy so stiff and cold and lifeless? I can't stand it. I will have to remember where and what he is now. Without anxiety or pain,warm and loved. But I miss him being here with me.I know you all understand what I'm saying. I needed to say it,even if only in type, to someone else.Thank you for being here for me and all of us who are in this lifeboat together. A very sad day today.Like my girlfriend says to me " God gives us a neverending supply of tears " I think she is right. Erma

[Guest Guest]

Hello all,

I am new on hear, as I just found the site. I lost my son to a drunk driver almost two years ago (www.keithlacava.net). I am sorry that we share what we share but I am glad to have found this site.

My prayers are all with you. I will not post my experiences right now as I am tired but wanted to say hello, anyway.

Janet

[Guest Guest]

I forgot to hit the key that says I want to know if anyone else replies.

[maureensmom]

Hi, Janet. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you found BI also. It's really helped me to talk to people who know what I'm going through; I don't feel (as) crazy.

Georgia

[ameliasmom]

Hello to everyone. There is so much pain here and I only have more to add at this time. Sometimes I will just "lurk" as my sister calls it and read but not participate. I have always been one of those people who want to help others in pain. I want to do whatever I can to take it away. I feel like I can't do this anymore, mostly because I don't have anything to give right now and because I do know that our pain is so deep that I can't do anything but what I am doing now to make a difference.

Jeni, I am sorry you have to be here but I am glad you found us all, these mother's and father's share from their hearts and I know this is a step in our healing.

Kathy, I have thought about you often the last few weeks. I know it is such a sad time for you. Just thinking about the day coming can seem unbearable.

My sister had a mass said for Amelia this morning at a church I used to attend. I cried a lot, especially when Amelia's name was mentioned and they sang this one song. It was so gut wrenching. Her birthday is this Friday, she would have been 22. I have decided to have family and a few of her close friends over for cake and ice cream and to share a good memory. I feel so guilty because part of me wants her birthday to get here and just be over with. It is so hard looking ahead to this day that your child won't be there to blow out her own candles. I went to the store today to buy her favorite cake and frosting and I can't forget the sprinkles she always had to have on her cake. I had a little meltdown in the grocery and called my sister saying I can't believe I am here buying Amelia's cake and she won't be at her own party. I don't know if I am doing the right thing but I don't want to ignore the day. I know I wouldn't feel good about that either. It is going to be so sad without her. She has been dead 11 weeks today. I don't know why I have to count the weeks but I do. I don't know how it helps me. I guess I am trying to get myself to believe it. Thanks for always listening. Peggy

[kathy714]

Dear Ameliasmom,i just read your post,it breaks my heart,i remember so well how i felt at 11 weeks,it would just take my breath away thinking my Nathan was gone,i still hoped it was a bad dream or a mistake,maybe they had the wrong person and he would come walking through the door any minute.Amelia's and Nathan's birthday's are three days apart,and same age,that means you and i were both bringing our beautiful babies home at the same time,22years ago,never knowing we would one day cross paths here.I am so sorry that we all have been through this,i know it is something i never thought would happen to me!!We too are having a get together Tuesday for Nathan's birthday and angel date,we are going to set off balloons from our dock,where Nathan spent every summer day from the time he was born.Like you i hope this is right,i too can't just let the day go by,like every other day Jan31st will always be a special day for me,and now a very sad day,but still i will never forget it....T/C and thank you for thinking of me ,it means a lot to me,you will be in my prayers,Kathy,Nate's mom

[maskott]

Maureen...I too counted the weeks for a long time. I think my husband still does and it's been almost six months. Six months...so easy to say but difficult to understand. It seems like only yesterday...sometimes seems like an eternity. May we all find some peace...at least for a little while.

BettyAnn

[julsmom]

Kathy - you will be in my prayers over the next several days. It is so hard to mark these "firsts". May you find some peace. Lynda

[julsmom]

to all - everyone looks for signs, some of you are more succesful. This has been my experience over the last couple of days. I found a penny in the room Julie used when she stayed with us. I use that room for dressing, since I get up before my husband, so I am in the room almost every morning and have not seen a penny recently until Thursday. I also dreamt of her. I’ve been seeing the constellation Orion in the night sky and thinking of a day she and I went to NYC the summer before she died and visited the Planetarium. That night I dreamt there was a corsage in the stars with purple roses which she said were from her. I said how can I be sure. She said just trust me.

May we all find peace in our winter of discontent. Lynda

[daveydow1]

Jeni,

I am so very sorry about your loss. All I can say

to you is that I hope you will continue to come back to BI and read/post whenever you can. My heart goes out to you in this

tragic time in your life. May you somehow find some measure

of comfort. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Guest,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear son

caused by a drunk driver. My son (age 31) died nearly

3 yrs. ago because a truck driver fell asleep at the

wheel of his rig and ran over my son's car which was

stopped in traffic. These tragedies are so senseless.

I pray that you will continue with all of us here on

the BI site. We're all on the same sad road here, and

everyone understands. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

You are in my prayers for tomorrow--your angel day, and

your dear Nate's birthday. Yes, these days are so very

difficult for us parents who want to remember and honor

our dear children, and yet it is so very painful to do

so. Please take care.

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- I am with you, praying for you, as I have watched you reach out to so many people, during this God awful time in your life. I feel as if I know you well, and I will celebrate our Nate tomorrow together!! I will find a miracle in my travels, I just know it- Like the beautiful "A Place Called Earth" video- Did you watch it? I felt as if our kids were all watching and creating in Heaven, this beautiful work of art, over and over again- So magical, didn't you think? I love you and thanks so much for always thinking about me and helping me through this time.xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- How are you holding up?? It is always good to see you post- You send such warmth to all... May peace somehow find it's way to you and do the same. My little Rosie dog comes and watches out for me at night- The others sleep and she comes and waits for me to visit all of my friends here. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Ameliasmom- I can not begin to tell you how much I admire you to be here with us, reaching out for help, so early into this journey. May God Bless you, and know that we will all do the same. You are so special...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Julsmom- Keep those pennies coming and you will help to those who need to know that their are signs from our angels. The more we share our stories, the more that others will allow themselves to live in the hope. Good , good Mom!! xoxomamabets

[ashleysmom]

Kathy714, Thinking of you today. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. May you find peace, Dottie

[ashleysmom]

Confession: I too lurk in the shadows, visit everyday, sometimes I just have no words.

Mamabets, I do have a penny story. On Jan. 4th (18mos.) I was going to work, had to stop at the store. When I got out of my car, I saw a penny on the ground but it was tails up (I never picked up a penny tails up, heard it was bad luck) anyway, I picked it up, looked at the date, 1986, the year Ashley was born! It warmed my heart. As I was driving to work, three songs came on Forever Young, then Who you'd be today, followed by Buttercup (Ashley used to sing this at the top of her lungs and the folks at work used to call her Buttercup). Needless to say I cried all the way to work, but they were happy tears. I strongly felt her presence. I used to know the exact number of days since I had last seen Ashley, but that got way too depressing as the number grew. It didn't rip at my soul as much when I started to think in months, the number was smaller. Sounds ridiculous, but anything to keep me going. I find the new year is one of the most depressing days for me. I am still licking my wounds from this new year. Ashley was not alive at all in 2005. At least in 2004, I had memories of her alive in that year. I am already spiraling at the thought of April coming (her birthday) It feels like those months from April thru July will just throw me over the edge. Yet Crystal's baby is due in July. Very mixed bag of emotions. For the baby to be due on July 4th is just amazing to me, yet, I have no idea how I will hold up. In that time I have to plan a shower, the walk-a-thon for the scholarship will be in May, Mother's Day, then June, with graduation, then of course, July 4th, the second year. I hope I can be as joyful as I need to be for Crystal. I guess worrying about all of this is stupid, but I can't help it. I really feel this baby is a blessing.

To all those who have recently joined BI, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I hate to see new additions to this forum because of the pain that I know you are all experiencing. I am thankful that you have found this site however, as it has been a Godsend to me.

To all, May peace and comfort surround you today and always, Dottie

[julsmom]

Kathy - my prayers and thoughts are with you today. Peace, Lynda

[ameliasmom]

Kathy, my thoughts and prayers are with you today. I know how much you love Nathan and how he loves you. I pray you will have many happy memories of him today and always and that God will give you the strength to make it through today.

Peggy

[griffinsmom]

Happy Birthday, Nate!

[midhar]

Morning to all,

I do not know you Kathy but I know what your are going through. I am thinking and praying for you and yours today.

I wish none of us had to be here as I know the cost was very high. I still after over 6 years miss my daughters so much. I do get to talk to Chris but it is always so very hard on me because she talks like nothing happened. Being mentally ill I really do not know what all she remembers of that night.

I will never understand what made her lose it that night as she was never violent before with any of us.

Know I care, Jeni

[rmcaggiano]

Hello to everyone,

I haven’t posted in a while either……..Today is 267 days that my Nicholas has been

Gone. I went yesterday to the private det. To pick up the belongings that I never

Received back because it was still under investigation. Well, they “had” closed the

Case up until yesterday. The guy who gave him the overdose was picked up again this

Last week-end on a traffic and they found drugs in his car, so ONCE AGAIN he was

Arrested. Well, yesterday I was informed that his parent’s keep “bailing” him out of

Jail. The Captain and Detective state that they really had nothing to hold him in for,

Yesterday when I picked up his things, I guess I was so distraught that they told me

That they were going to pick him up last night because I now know that a lot of what

They did when I first lost my Nicholas was completely wrong such as “tampering” with

Evidence, which is true. The detective has been really good to me through all of

This, he said he would do whatever it took to find this guy criminally at fault. He

Stated to me that maybe now, after these months I can see things a little more clearly.

Maybe so, I’m not sure, I know I can go after this guy in a “Wrongful Death” suite,

However it’s not money I’m looking for, this guy is a criminal and I want him

Charged.

Touching and smelling the clothes that Nicholas last wore, was “Gut-wrenching”.

His smell is still on them, and I finally got his driver’s license. It’s so hard, when I

Left the sherriff’s office I can’t even remember driving home. The detective told me

This time their going to charge him with “obstruction of justice”.

Thanks for reading,

Rose, (Nicholas’ mom)

[maskott]

Happy birthday Nate. Kathy, I know how hard this must be for you...may you find a little peace to make it through this day. We are all praying for you.

BettyAnn

[mattsdad]

Kathy,

May I also add my thoughts on this day. You and Nate are not forgotten.

Happy birthday to Nate.

Jeff

[wnf4ever]

Rose - I'm SO SORRY for what you are going through! I can relate, believe me, I lost my son Warren on May 17, 2005. They say it was an 'accidental drug overdose' and the person that GAVE IT TO HIM is walking around with NO worries, scot-free!! I tried emailing you a couple of days ago and it came back to me as "undeliverable." I have a letter I've written to you that I'd like to send, please let me know if that is okay and email me with your email address. Hang in there, we need to talk...

Try and take care...

[jajjaaj]

I haven't posted in a while, but do read occasionally. Wanted to write about my experience at the coroner's. For those that don't know, I lost my beautiful 21-year old daughter, April, Nov. 3, 2004 to a complication of Pancreatic Cancer. She did not know she was sick. The cancer blew and she bled to death internally in a matter of minutes.

I was able to get in to see my daughter April before the autopsy. They didn't know what had happened to her. They warned me that they were unable to shut her eyes completely and that it might bother me. Her eyes were slightly open. When I saw her, she looked as if she were sleeping. I was so grateful that I could see her beautiful brown eyes for the last time. When I touched her hands, they felt like she had been in the winter cold without her gloves like she would do when she was younger. Her skin was still as soft and beautiful as ever. Her hair still damp from her shower was as before. I felt like I had a second chance to see her and touch her. I also had the chance to tell the Coroner attendants about April and that she wasn't just another number with a toe tag. I wanted them to respect her and know the kind of person she was. I was able to hold her close to me at the funeral home when I was dressing her. I know she is no longer in the shell left behind, but it was this shell that showed all that she was. Her smile, her giggle, her everything. We are coming up to 15 months in a couple of days. And I miss her as much today as I did the first day. I don't know that life will ever be the same or that I will ever be o.k. I still cry everyday, I still go to sleep and wake up thinking about my baby and how much I miss hearing her laugh and watching how silly she could be. I hate being this person missing my baby. It just hurts so much there are times I think I will just die. I loved and adored that child.

Sorry, didn't mean to go on and on. Thank you for listening.

April's Mom

Cyndi

[mom2angels]

{{{Kathy}}}~

My prayer candle has been burning for you and Nate all day today, as I have been keeping you in thought and prayer. I am praying for your peace and comfort and that Nate has made his presence very known to you today. God Bless You~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kathy, my prayers have been for you today for peace. May you be blessed on this special day.

[mamabets]

Happy Birthday, Nate!! Mom will find me, as I know that you have been with her at your bonfire... I have missed you today, for you are my Danny's new angel friend too. When our family here at Beyond Indigo is sad, we are following all of you...Together we will carry on and we promise that we will always be here for Mom and Dad... We love you, Nate!!xoxomamabets

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} To Everyone~

Just wanted to welcome our most recent members Jeni and Janet, and say hello to members who have returned here after an absence.

As I read each of your stories, my heart just breaks for you. So much trauma, shock, and extraordinary adjustments for each of you to endure. I admire you all so very much for your strength to get through every single day. I can't imagine the immensity of your pain combined with all of the other complicated aspects of your losses. However many months or years it has been since your beautiful child physically left this Earth, you have survived and continue surviving. You are here, telling us about your gut and heart wrenching experiences, allowing us to share in your world of hurt, and that takes courage.

You may think that you are not going to last another day, yet you do. You may think that you are going to lose what is left of your mind, yet you don't. Day after day, you deal with whatever is thrown at you, and you cope the only way that you know how to cope. And you survive.

You survive the same way that I do, by believing that your child is still with you -- no, not just believing -- knowing that your child is still with you. You survive for the others who are surviving with you -- the rest of your family, your friends, the other people who need you. You survive because that is what your child wants you to do. You survive because it isn't your time yet.

I have survived the deaths of my parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, significant relatives and friends throughout the years. And, my entire life has been a challenge of some kind. But nothing compares to the loss of my beloved son. There is no path to follow more difficult than this one that you and I are travelling.

This path we walk is riddled with forks and turns, potholes, sinkholes, quicksand, and monsters jumping out from the bushes. We stumble and fall frequently, especially as we begin our journey and are learning the terrain. There is no map, and no one ever starts this journey with the proper supplies and tools. That is impossible.

But as I approach the third anniversary of Michael's transition, I can tell you that along the way, I have learned how to avoid the potholes and monsters and how to navigate more effectively through the jungle of my emotions. I have picked up the tools and supplies, which have worked for me, to get me moving forward on the path.

And this will happen for you too. As time goes on, the intensity drops a notch or two, and you find that you are more able to gather your wits about you to use your coping skills.

Grief, as with any other malady, requires healing. Grief is a deep wound, easily disturbed and difficult to treat. By sharing your grief here and allowing yourself to feel your sorrow, you are treating that very tender, delicate wound.

My prayer candle is burning for you and your children. I pray for your healing and that God will grant you peace and comfort today and everyday~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[kathy714]

To all,my heart is so deeply touched,i can't say thank you enough for all the prayers,and all the Happy Birthday's to Nathan,words can't express how much you all mean to me,and how thankful i am that i found B.I.,I truely think at times this site has saved my life,and it shows by all replies and all the prayers.My son touched a lot hearts,he was very special,he didn't get straight A's ,he wasn't the high school quarter back,but he was the type of person,once you met him,you knew you had a friend forever,and today it showed ,we planned a little get together to have a bonn fire and to send off 22 balloons,and at least 50 people showed, it was beautiful,one person played an sang one of Nathan's favorite songs,there were tears,and there were laughs while we all talked about how much Nathan met to all of us.This was a very emotional day but i know now how much my son was truely loved....T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i am so sorry i didn't get a chance to talk today,it was a nonstop day,i just want to say thank you so much for all your prayers,i really think they helped me get through today,i really enjoyed talking with you last night,you have become a truely good friend,thank you so much for being there,i will catch up with you tomorrow[today]T/C ,you are in my prayers, Kathy, Nate's mom

[enufalreddy]

Jajjaaj (sp?).............You're posting touched me so much. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Your words are so true. I think I will die...yet I don't. I think I will lose my mind...yet I am still sane. I need you all here so badly. So few people that I know here have experienced what we are or are willing to share it.But in giving up pieces of my pain to you in my posts my load feels lighter.In reading your bits of pain here I know that we have lightened your load by carrying a piece of it with you. Thank you all again for being here. I would be lost without you all. I'm coming up on my Walter's birthday Feb. 16. I can't imagine doing anything but staying in bed and crying all day. I don't even want to wake up that day. But I know you have been through this...at least some of you... and you will guide me in my handling of this situation.You will at least support me while I feel I will fall to my knees emotionally.Thank God there is someone who understands........Praying for us all, Erma

[peacefulnow]

My adult son died less than a month ago. There's a huge void within me that makes me feel so sad. When I think about my son's death...that I'll never see him again, touch him again, or hear his voice...I feel panic take hold of me. I experience numbness and detachment. Then just as quickly I feel this frightening raw pain. I make myself appear "normal" to the outside world, but I feel anything but "normal" inside. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I do feel as though a vital part of me has died along with my son.

I'm so sorry for all of the losses that all of you are experiencing as well. It is truly heartbreaking. I pray for strength for us all...

[jajjaaj]

Erma, Thank you for your kind words. I know it is difficult to see our child gone, not breathing, without life. But for me, I took it as an opportunity as one last look at my beautiful baby girl sleeping. I have no regrets. There are parents who will never see their child for the last time because the tradegy was so devastating that it made it impossible for these parents to see their babies. I feel blessed to have the opportunity.

All of us are who we are because of our children. I always thought that if I never had children I would in no way be who I am today. I've always been happy being a mom and putting my life there for my 5 children. I enjoyed it. Now with my daughter gone, my life isn't the same. I'm someone else and I really hate being this other person. I know that these are the thoughts of all the parents who have lost a child, a precious part of them that will never come back. Sometimes I wonder how on earth any of us will accomplish being the people we were before. But in reality, I know this won't happen. We are new people that we don't want to be and we struggle to except the new "me" and live with the lives handed to us.

I really have such a tough time seeing all the parents here who like me feel destroyed. All the pain and for what? Please know that I hold all of you in a special place in my heart. We all walk with the same limp and I so hope that some day the limp will not be as apparent.

Much love and many hugs,

April's Mom

Cyndi

[midhar]

Hi All,

Thank you for making me feel at home here and able to say what is in my heart.

I hurt for each and everyone of us. I wish I had not had to meet you all here but I am grateful for you all that I can talk too. Even after 6 years there are still times that I feel I would rather not be here anymore but they get shorter and shorter as time passes.

I miss my daughters so badly. That is what I do not understand because I was a stay at home MOM because I wanted to be with them and I was blessed that

financially I could do that.

I am grateful that I have all those wonderful memories to think about and experience again.

We had our problems thru the teen and young adult years but never a long separation even though they had moved to FL and AR. Always kept in touch.

Chris moved back by us in Fl before Patti. Patti had just moved back from AR to FL 4 months before this happened because of her divorce after 12 years.

WE spent so much of that 4 months together except when Patti worked. Chris was diabled with Bi-Polar and Fibromyalgia and could not work but we helped her have her own place so she could feel a little independent.

When Patti moved back we bought a condo and rented it to both of them and Patti's son Jimmy who was 16 when this happened.

There really was no where I could go that I had not been with one of them so I did not leave the house for quite awhile. All I wanted to do was sleep because then my mind shut off.

The firts year is a complete blur. I was in shock. But the 2nd year reality set in and I felt all the pain and hurt, emptiness and lonliness and anger with GOD and frustrations of everyday living when all I wanted to do was die too.

This journey is not an easy one and it is traveled differently by each one of us. What helped me the most was keeping a journal everyday. Talking to Patti, GOD and just writing down everything I was feeling. I kept it for 3 years and even now I go back to it to help me help others in their first 3 years. To remember how very far I have come on this trip I did not ask for but was dealt anyway.

Know I care. Jeni