Loss of an Adult Child

[aprilsmom]

Yes, people have said "old soul" about April on several occasions. She loved old things, music, clothing, which we all thought was kind of wierd. I always felt that April was different, even as a baby. She slept through the night from day one and even rolled over on the hospital bed while I was dressing her to take her home. She never got the terrible twos like my other 4 kids and she never caused me the junior high or teenage problems that I had with the others. She would say things that hit me, like, "why do you guys waste time talking about people"? and it changed us! On her bulletin board at work, her girlfriends gave me a little piece of paper she had written on and drawn hearts on that said, "People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute". April drew a rainbow out of hard times with Bobby and was committed to making her marriage work. (see Feb. 9th post for my confrontation with the "other girl")

I have all of you in my thoughts today. Peacefulnow, if you can take just one step today, to even comb your hair, you have done what Ian would want you to do. Someone asked me right after the accident: "Renee, would it have made any difference if it had been someone that nobody liked?" We know why our kids went, they were maybe too good for the harshness of this world. Wish we could all meet somewhere. I live about an hour north of LA and my home is open to all of you at any time; or are you going to make me wait until we all get to heaven:)

Lastly, a treasured friend's daughter is getting married in a few weeks - she is wearing April's veil - kind of choked me up - wow, gotta get my crying out before that day. Take Care, Renee

How do I get to Nathan's site. Could everyone fill out their profiles and put the memorial sites? It would be much easier for all of us.

[deewithgreeneyes]

I am taken by these lasts posts....we feel the same way, the very same way. I would love to meet with people. My personal e-mail is deeappel@cox.net. I live in South Orange County but my family, son, grandkids, live North of LA as well. I would make a real effort to visit with all of us surviving mom's. Please e mail me.....Love, Dee

[donosmom]

I tried to add Matthew's web page to my profile but the address is to long. Here it is if anyone would like to see it. His fiance built the web site from the slide show his friends made for the funeral.

http://members.cox.net/zisaiwu/MattLeBeau/frame2.htm

[maskott]

I want to thank everyone for their posts. Right now I can't think straight to thank everyone personally. I was just visiting my mother. She asked me how I was and I've tried to be honest with everyone when I answer that question. I told her it's been an emotional week with yesterday being the seventh. When she continued to look at me I explained it was the seven month anniversary. Then she said "let me give you a few words of advice"..."get over it". She said I was only hurting myself and my family by not getting over it. I started shaking and even now my blood pressure is so high that my face is very flushed. I have already told her once that I won't be getting over this. I've talked about everything that we talk about here...such as "I'm a different person now" etc. I'm so upset right now...how can anyone understand if my own mother doesn't. Unfortunately...I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.

BettyAnn

[peacefulnow]

Betty Ann, I know exactly what you mean with your mom. I was always close with my mom and we could talk about anything...except this. I'm only at the two month mark, and she is shocked that I'm still struggling. I don't even tell her I'm having bad days anymore, she just doesn't get it. I can't begin to explain how life changing and devastating this is...and she can't begin to understand and comprehend how Ian's passing has affected every area of my life. Nothing is the same. It makes me feel so alone and it makes me want to isolate myself from people...because their lack of understanding really hurts. I'm so sorry you were subjected to such harsh words. This is hard enough as it is. Thoughtless comments do not help. Cindy

[griffinsmom]

There is a forum for "Kids Memorial Sites" as part of "Loss of a Child" introduction. Griffins site address is more at the beginning, so for some you may have to scroll to the beginning- but everyone should post their childs websites so we can visit each others and see the children- and families. I have seen April, Michelle, Nathan, Chris....some are not posting here anymore-

Hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected,"Baby Steps", as they say. I am in SE Florida....

[isabelle]

BettyAnn,

So sad to read your post - your conversation with your mother.

Before I lost my son, my mother lost one of her daughters to cancer. She was a changed person after that - I frequently detested the person she had become. She cried often, even as much as 15 years later. She often expressed her wish to die soon. I used to become so angry when she acted this way. I thought she should have "gotten over it". (I never told her this)

Then, 2 years after she passed away, I lost my 22 year old son. I am now just like my mother was. I now understand her. I am so sorry that I felt the way I did when she was alive. Sometimes I wonder if losing my son was punishment for the way I felt about my mom.

Only those who walk the path of grief, after the loss of a child, can understand us. Betty Ann, I understand and I agree with you. Again I am so very sorry.

Elizabeth

Ray'sMom

[briansdad]

I wish there was a why don't you get it hammer and whenever someone said to me you need to move on or get over it you could hit them in the head and they would see a light bulb and say OH NOW I GET IT!

I have never in my life ever seen a subject that needed more education than ours.No one wants to take up the cause because it makes people uncomfortable.

Even our own relatives.The people who could help us the most end up helping the least.What a shame.

Brians site is http://brian-klocke.memory-of.com/about.aspx

Then you don't have to search for it.

Take care folks.

[julsmom]

I'm sorry that folks especially family don't get it. My nephew died of a heart attack in 1998 at age 38. I had seen him and his brothers and sisters a month earlier at a family wedding. When I went back for his funeral his brothers had aged 10 years in that month. Now I see that same aged look on my own son. May we all find peace. Lynda

[maskott]

Now that I'm home from work I can write a little more to clarify myself. I know she meant well. It's like others have posted, they just don't understand. The sad part is that I was trying to be honest with her, and others, about my feelings. Now I don't feel as if I can talk to her about how I'm feeling. I'm planning a birthday party for Matthew, but how do I talk to her about it. How do I make her understand that I need to do things even though I know I'm going to cry my eyes out. Next months, after Matthew's eight month anniversary, I'm going to have to put on "the mask" and tell her I'm ok. I didn't want to have to act this way in front of my own family. That's what hurts the most. She also said that I'm hurting myself and my family by not getting over it. Does she think that they have gotten over this. My son is still seeing a minister and my daughter is seeing a school counselor. They are still suffering also. My husband still has moments when he cries his eyes out.

Isabelle, of course losing your son was not punishment for how you felt but I do understand how you might feel and think that. At least now you understand your mother.

Lynda...talk about aging 10 years. I look at myself now and can't believe how much older I seem to look.

Greg...now you have an invention you can work on. A hammer that will say "don't you get it" when you hit the person over the head. Maybe have a light bulb come out from the top of the hammer when you hit them and have the bulb light up as you pull the hammer away. I'll leave the technical part up to you.

Peaceful now...two months is so raw yet. I don't understand how people think after two months you should be over it. I guess the hardest part for me to understand is a mother saying these things. Can't she imagine how she would feel if she lost her child.

Thanks to all who responded. I know this topic will come up many times throughout this sites lifetime. I just needed to vent.

BettyAnn

[daveydow1]

Peacefulnow,

I agree that all our children seemed to posses a

pure and special spirit. My son, Davey, was a shy

boy all his life, and was still somewhat shy as an

adult, but had good friends. At times, I did think

that he was too good for the harshness of this world.

He was too gentle. He never gave me any problems while

growing up. Of course, there were times when I was

aggravated with him--that's natural for parents and

their kids. I am so sorry for your loss of your dear

son Ian. Two months is so very recent and your grief

so very raw. I hope & pray that our children are friends

in heaven. Peace & light

[daveydow1]

BettyAnn,

I'm so sorry that your mother said such an insensitive

statement to you. I can relate to that totally. It

happened to me 35 yrs. ago, and I still remember it,

and how it hurt at the time. My mother said to me once

after my 6 mo. old baby girl, Lisa died, "you can't

allow yourself the luxury of mourning--you have other

kids to think about". This statement crushed me, as

the one your mother said to you. Later on, I told my

mom----"Mom, if I had died at Lisa's age, you would be

mourning for 25 yrs. now". She seemed a bit taken aback,

but after the tragedy of Davey's death, she has not said

anything like that again. She is not a person I can go

to and talk to about my grief, but at least she doesn't

say those hurtful types of things anymore. I could much

more easily talk to my dad. Sadly, he died 12 yrs. ago.

I will pray that you can find strength, peace, and comfort

somehow. Thinking of you.

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

A why-don't-you-get-it?" hammer would indeed be a

great invention. Insensitive people makes one feel

like walking around with a sandwich-board type sign

saying "Don't tell me to get over it!!" Of course,

this is in a joking spirit, but it's how we feel

sometimes---especially when someone has been such an

unfeeling clod about our sadness. Peace to you.

[daveydow1]

Donosmom,

I visited your son, Matt's memorial. He is such a

nice looking guy. I know you are so very proud of

him and his accomplishments. Peace & prayers.

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

I also visited Brian's memorial. What a handsome

guy, and has such a nice smile. I would like to

create a memorial site for my son also. Do you

need to have a printer/scanner and other equipment?

My old printer gave out on me, but I haven't bought

a new one. I want to find out what I need for

creating a memorial site before I get another one.

Do you have any suggestions for me? Thanks. Your

son looks like he loved life. Peace to you.

[isabelle]

Everyone is so correct. The public needs education on this very sensitive and painful subject. Even my husband has indicated that I need to "let go". There is no way in hell I can ever let go of my son. Wouldn't it be interesting to see monologues or dialogues on the subject in theaters - live, that is. They've done it on ever other subject, so why not. We would have to opportunity to give it to the public with both barrels. Just my 2cents.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}} ~

I've been reading and praying for you all. My mind is just so crammed full of stuff right now that I can barely construct a coherent sentence, so I haven't been posting. Primarily, I need to make some major health decisions for Jonathan, and I'm really struggling with what I know is ahead for him, as well as the mysteries that await him.

For now, welcome back Mamabets/Betsy~I'm glad you had a safe trip and were able to spend time with the new baby and your family. My thoughts are with you and Jackie.

Betty Ann~ I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling from your mother's comment. I feel that pain with and for you. Have you asked your mother to imagine losing you or one of your siblings--to put herself in your shoes for a moment and imagine a parent's greatest fear? I sometimes wonder if turning the tables on people and forcing them to think about the death of their own children might snap them into the reality of the sorrow, which we experience every day, after we lose our child, for the REST of OUR lives.

Perhaps you could invite your mother to visit our forum and read a few dozen pages of our posts. She might get clued in then. It's not just you. You aren't the only mom in the world who feels the way that you do. Maybe if she saw the tears in the words written here, she might begin to understand your agony.

I have visited all of the websites you all have posted, and I love your children with all of my heart. What beautiful, wonderful kids we all have. God Bless Them. I know He does.

I found some information, which I would like to share with all of you regarding symptoms of grieving. This article is written by physicians for physicians, but it contains relevant information about grieving. I know I recognized myself in the lists and some of the text. If you scroll to the end of the article, you will find a list of recommended literature. A few books are listed for grieving parents.

How I wish that the first hospitalist, who admitted Michael on Mother's Day, had read this article before he spoke to me. Instead of taking me to a private, quiet place, with a nurse or chaplain present, he grabbed me as I exited Michael's hospital room. He stood right in front of Michael's open ICU door, and he said, loudly and coldly, "Well, he's going to die." Heartless, callous. The next morning, I fired him and told the nurse that I would sue the hospital if that man even stepped foot into my son's room.

You don't get over it. Ever. But you do find a way to cope. Keep your faith strong and hang on to hope.

Copy and paste this site into your browser to read the article:

http://www.postgradmed.com/issues/2000/11_00/zerbe.htm

My prayers for peace and comfort are with you all today and every day~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[enufalreddy]

Dear {{Betty Ann}}.....A hug for you from me. There are four words from Mr.T that describe how I feel about people like your Mom who do not have the depth of soul for empathy...those are " I pity the fool " Hope I made you laugh.There are some folks out there that for whatever reason do not or cannot allow themselves to feel past a certain level of comfort or discomfort. I believe there is probably something that happened to them at some point to make them that way. Whatever it was must have been devastating. And they shut down that part of themselves that allows the pain to effect them. They have learned a type of self control that keeps them from feeling life fully.It starts out as a defense mechanism but ends up hurting them and others in the end.These people expect themselves to keep a stiff upper lip and expect the same from others. This person is my husband. And sounds to me like it is your mother. When they rob themselves of the pain they also rob themselves of the joy that comes in life fully experienced.I don't know if I'm right.I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say. But it is how I've got it figured out for now.I have 3 brothers and 1 sister and not one of them has called me in the past year to see how I'm doing in my grief process.Not one of them contributed to the fund for Sarah's education. Not one of them has been to Walt's gravesite.That is their business.If that is what they can live with...I feel sorry for them...I pity the fool.That's not the person I am or want to be. But I have to remember that that is a personal decision and they have a God given right to be a fool if that is what they choose.That frees me up to just be myself and worry about me.I love you and hope you don't let your Mom hurt you. Pray for her. She is to be pitied..............Erma

[deewithgreeneyes]

Betty Ann, I am so sorry to read about the reaction that you got, it breaks my heart for you. You know, I have said it before...you can build a shell around you and stay away for awhile from people who to me are "toxic" in situations like this. I have had to do that, it has been hard but I am staying away from people that are a "downer" to me.

[maskott]

Thanks for all of the replies. It does help to know others are going (or have gone) through the same thing.

Deewithgreeneyes, my mother is 90 and I don't know how much longer she is going to be with us so I need to visit...for my sake as well as hers. You are right though, and I tend to stay away from others than don't understand.

Erma...I work with my brothers and I don't think one of them has asked how I was doing within the past six months. I think after the 1st month, they think their duty is over. Sometimes, I come back to my desk with my eyes all red, after having cried in the ladies room, and no one notices. Fact of life...I'm learning to live with it.

Daveydow1...I guess it must be something with mothers. Shortly after Matthew died I was talking with a friend. I didn't know that she has lost a 2yr old to accidental drowning. She told me that 2 months after the death her mother said the same thing. You need to "get over it". She asked her mother to think how she would feel if it had been her that died at the age of 2. I know parents understand they will be devastated if their child ever dies. I just don't think they realize that it changes your whole life. It's not just devestation for a few months. It's a lifetiime deal.

Rosalyn...you have a good idea about letting her read some of these posts. She doesn't have a computer so I would have to cut and paste this into a "word" program. It's strange but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I think she honestly thought she was giving me good advice. I emailed my sister in law last night, and her response was that people from that generation were taught to "keep a stiff upper lip" or "buck up", if you understand what I'm trying to say. I don't think they were allowed to have their feelings continue over a period of time. More than likely, I'm just going to let it drop. See what happens next time I visit.

I do appreciate your care and concern. This is part of the life that we now live...unfortunately.

BettyAnn

[daveydow1]

BettyAnn,

My mother is elderly also--86 yrs. old. I have to

agree with the person who told you that people of

that generation were trained from childhood to be

strong and not break down. My mom grew up in a family

of 9 children in the Depression, so her generation

is very strong willed. I guess they had to be. At

any rate, I agree with you that taking the high road,

and staying close to a parent who may not be around

too long is the best thing to do. My mom has mellowed

out since my dad died. As for other people--casual

acquaintances---who are insensitive, I do steer clear

of that kind. You are in my prayers. Peace & light.

[daveydow1]

Mom2Angels,

That person who worked at the hospital is indeed a

very heartless character. That statement was entirely

uncalled for. He should have taken your family into

a private place and gently gave you the information.

As a nurse who has worked in various hospitals large

and smaller, I know that an employee who acted in such

a manner--(no matter what their position) would have been

severely reprimanded for such an infraction. I can

understand your anger and pain. I will pray for you &

your husband, and Jon as you make healthcare decisions.

Peace be with you always.

[daveydow1]

Julsmom--Lynda,

You mentioned about aging and looking older. I

totally agree that after a tragedy such as ours,

one can literally look in the mirror and see it

happening. I feel that I look at least 10 years

older since my dear Davey passed over 6/14/03.

At first, I thought it was just from crying all

the time, but after nearly 3 yrs, I know that it

is permanent. I think that after losing a beloved

child, one can't help showing it on the outside

too. Our heartache & sorrow shows. Peace.

Mamabets,

Congratulations on the new baby girl, and am glad

you are back to BI. I missed you.

[mamabets]

For All- For whatever reason, my grief has taken me to a level that is new and completely unexpected. My connections with my Danny have been less and less and I feel that he has clearly moved on from one place to another, a place that is not including me. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that this is very painful, so please, bear with me, do not worry, and know that I just have to let this show me some kind of way. It is very different from anything that I have known since his passing- He has gone somewhere else, it feels like, and it is foreign and it is full of fear.xoxomamabets

[Mazey2]

Mamabets, My heart aches for you....I don't know if this will help or if it even relates, but...there are times I don't feel Chad like I do others. But, at this point I know the feelings will return. Often, when this happens I will have frequent thoughts of the Rehab Institute of CHicago where he rehabbed after his spinal cord injury. So, I have begun to think maybe he is needed there during those "empty" times. Or, we'll hear of a close friend having a rough time and I'll be able to put it at the same time I had "loss" my feelings of closeness, or hadn't seen his # much. I hope this passes quickly for you and the "feelings"/Danny will return to you.

Betty, I had read your post about your Mom's comments. I then recently read she is 90y/o, was that right? Anyway, I was remembering when Chad was paralyzed and my MOm 83y/o would care about us, and I know would "empathize" with what we were going thru...she would briefly acknowledge it, but would go directly into her problems. We had even a couple fights, because I needed for her to understand that although I cared about her arthris pain, and the limits it was putting on her activities...I was more concerned about my Son attempting to live as normal life as he could being PARALYZED!! He could use his arms, but had no fine motor abilities. Anyway,I am a Nurse and I know many oldies get very self-consumed...Maybe, she just isn't seeing much past herself at this point in her life. And how sad, we certainly would need our Mom's to help us, not minimize what we are going thru.

Sharing, Linda

[maskott]

Roslyn...now that my mind isn't totally on my problems, I want to let you know that you are in my thoughts. You have so many problems yet to handle. You will be in my prayers as you make your decisions about Jonathan. Hopefully, you will have the strength to make the right decisions. Peace to you.

Betsy...I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's hard enough to lose them the first time. Then when you feel you have them back only to lose them again is traumatic. Trust that Linda is right and that Danny is helping someone else at this time. Trust that he will be back. I don't think Danny would desert. Please know that we care.

Linda...thank you for your post. I know my mother meant well and she really believed what she said. I guess I've calmed down. I know what you mean though. A few months ago, my husband got a call from his mother complaining about her phone. She must had called him 5 times each day. It was around Matthew's anniversary date and all he could say was "Doesn't she realize I have more on my mind than to worry that her phone isn't loud enough." I guess I'm learning to accept that people don't think of us as "still in mourning". They don't realize that we are still hurting...and if they do realize it they don't think we should be. It's sad that I have to learn to accept them...they don't have to learn to accept me grief. Just babbling.

I don't know if anyone else has been like this...I had a revelation when I was driving to work. I said to myself that I would have to post it on the site. Now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. I haven't a clue. Well, stay tuned and if I do eventually remember, I will post it.

Thanks to all.

BettyAnn

[julsmom]

mamabets - I am sorry that you are having an especially rough time. I know I don't respond to your postings often but you are source of inspiration. Please light a candle, find that innerstrength you have often displayed, hold on to the thoughts of the "better days". You will continue to be in my prayers.

Betty Ann - we all have "great revelations" or thoughts that just disappear as quickly as they come. Part of the grief process. At 2 a.m. it will come back to you (at least that's when they come back to me). I am sorry your mother is not understanding. I think Linda is right about people getting older and more self-consuming.

Peace to all. Lynda

[deewithgreeneyes]

I have read everyone's posts and want to say I am praying for all of you to find peace. It seems through this dark walk we have all been on it brings along instant changes emotionally. Kind of like a roller coaster ride. We are all so desperate to have our children back and Mama bets...I am sorry, Iam sure it is so frightening..maybe feeling like you are losing him again? I can feel the fear.

I have some bad days ahead, my birthday is coming up in a few days, Michelle used to always make a big deal out of it along with my mom. Michelle's birthday is coming up the 14th of April...then Mothers day. Last Mother's day little did I know my mom and my daughter were going to be gone this Mother's Day. The thought of it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

[Mazey2]

mamabets, I was sitting drinking my coffee this morning, and thinking 'bout you...do you think Danny is with that new baby and famiy??? He'll return. After almost 4 years, I have learned to trust Chad will be bak around....

Motherof2Angels, I sympathize with you and decision making....caring about you always, but especially as you go thru this time.

Eri's Mom, loved your Poem. Diane, I enjoy our emails so much. You are so caring and I "feel" that from you. Thanks! Also, as you are anticipating Erica's birthday on 4/4 I have Chad's Angel date on 4/3, can't believe it has been 4 years....still, the pain lingers as it always will. Yesterday, I was getting groceries and walked past the OJ that he LOVED, got all welled up, pain in my heart, BUT I was able to finish my shopping, and get in the car before I "lost"it. I guess time does strengthen us in some ways. It can be such simple things that "get" us. I still remind myself of his courage and strength to "accept" his injury and live on despite it....continue to drive, work, go out with buddies, etc. It inspires me to live on despite the pain, and loss. Courage, mind set that we will live on....doesn't at all mean NOT having the continued reminders/pain of our losses, we always will.

These people in our lives who don't know how, or don't empathize with us---we can't control and as I try to remember...'for they do not know'. But, like Betty says it sure don't help us....and some of our "closest" that we wantneed help from, can't always give it. So sad for us. Sharing, Linda

[peacefulnow]

Mamabets, I’m seeking answers just like everyone else here…I’m certainly no expert. But in thinking about your last post, I can’t help but feel that Danny hasn’t ‘moved on’ or deserted you. He’s in the same wonderful place, still watching over you, still ‘with you’. Maybe it is you, Betsy, who is moving on. I say this as a good thing, without any criticism whatsoever. If you are able to move on, even a tiny little bit…that’s a gift. Your special son has been helping you all along to get to this new level. And, he will continue to help you advance to other levels of healing. Please don’t despair. I see it as a positive step forward for you. You’re getting stronger and Danny knows it. I’ll bet he’s really proud of you. Cindy

[mamabets]

Fpr Peacefulnow- Thank you so for your loving words. Danny has been with me in such a gifted way, we have both been able to move on together. I feel as if he has been "kidnapped" now and for whatever reason, I will find out the meaning behind it one day, I guess. I felt this starting to happen before I went away last weekend, and he and I have been SOOOOOO connected since he passed, that there is no explaining this one way or the other. It is what it is. Thanks for listening.xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

I am so sorry that your are experiencing fear that

Danny has "moved on". I have also had those feelings.

It will be 3 yrs. in June since Davey passed over. It

seems like I get fewer signs from him anymore. Maybe

as Peacefulnow said---I am moving on. Although I don't

feel as though I have, it could be true. I still mourn,

but if I have moved on, it has happened without my

knowing it. My heart knows the pain/fear you feel and

I will pray that you can find your way. Take care, and

peace be with you.

[mamabets]

For All- I have had an awakening... Remember, my Danny was a HUGE Superman fan, and I have been "told in my heart" that Danny has gone to take care of little Will Reeve... A young boy who has lost both of his parents in his young life. While they are together for eternity, this little boy has been left with questions that may or may not have any answers for him. Let us pray that Danny is right there with him. He is always near with all of his teamates. I love you and thank you for helping us through this one!! xoxomamabets

[ashleysmom]

To all who have had insensitive remarks from their mother,

I agree, they are from a certain generation that believes you don't talk about it and just move on. My grandmother lost her two year old son before my mom was born. She got a job a week later, because that was what was expected. I know now that my grandmother was truly brokenhearted and bitter until the day she died. She was never able to grieve. My mother told me I needed to "get over it" three weeks after Ashley died. I was horrified and so deeply hurt until I realized She just wanted me better. I now gently remind my mother that I will never "get over it" and she agrees. I also had asked her how she would have felt if she had lost me, she could not answer, noone can who has not been where we all are. I know my mother cries all the time for Ashley, but she tries to be strong. That's what we as mothers and fathers do, we stay strong for our children.

About signs, just a thought, I'm not sure about the moving on. My thought is, I am able to think of other things now throughout the day, so I'm not as focused on the signs. They are still there, I am still hurt, my heart still aches, but I am not as consumed. There are others that really need her signs, too. I have to accept that Ashley is not going to walk through my door ever again, this kills me, but I can't pretend anymore that it will happen. So I think it is more of a resignation for me.

Resigned to a life that is not my own, one I never wanted.

My thoughts, prayers and love to all, Dottie

[kirksdad]

As with many of you our son had so many problems before his death. Drinking too much, problems in school, always defying us about anything and everything we asked. At times I thought the whole family would go nuts because of his behavior the last year and a half of his life. The way he died, driving insanely fast while drinking in a residentual area was also such a hard thing for us to understand, but I know he had done it before. We were thankful he didn't hurt anyone else. A couple of weeks after his death my mother, who had really been great during the whole thing, even telling me that Kirk had talked to her after his death the same night letting her know that he was ok, said to me that maybe it was for the better. I guess it didnt' register at the time, but later I wondered how she could even say that to me. She hurt also, but saw that Kirk was headed in the wrong direction and that it worried us that things would improve, but even say that hurt. I never said anything to her and never will because I felt it was just something said in the moment that she though might give me some peace. It really made me think, it gave me no peace, but I couldn't be upset with her because I don't think she was thinking when she said it.

We all hear such hurtful things, some things people mean to say and that isn't right. We have to pick our fights with them, know when the words are there to hurt or said in ignorance. Some say things they feel are well meaning and just aren't. We have to know what is what and at times, after the death of a child that is next to impossible to understand.

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}~

I only have a moment, but I just wanted to take that moment to thank you for your thoughts and prayers for Jon, Jim and me. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that others are praying for us. And it is comforting to me to know that, someday (many, many years from now I hope and pray) I will have a soft place to fall when Jon receives his wings.

As I read your messages, I am continually impressed with the wisdom and insight expressed in them. What a blessing it is to receive this kind of understanding, support and gifts of the heart we each share here. I just love you. You are all quite incredible.

My candle is lit and my prayers are with you for peace and comfort today and every day ~ May you hold your angels close to you in your dreams~ And know that they are always ALWAYS with you ~ Trust and have faith ~ God Bless You ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mamabets]

For Mom2angels- You are a walking angel, an answer to so many prayers- Believe that whatever it is that we can do to help ease your heavy load, we will. I think of you SO often, and I would not be where I am today or who I am right now, had God not put you in my shattered life. This goes for ALL of my angel friends here. Stay near to me, forever, and together we can and will do great things, in spite of what may get in our way. I love you and am always just a click away. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kirksdad- I remember my mother-in-law saying to me after Danny took his own life... "What a courageous thing to do"- . I remember gasping, and immediatetely then thinking yes, it was. This came from a woman who had lost a baby at 3 months and I , to this day, feel that it was very brave of Danny to have risked all that he did for a forever peace of mind. He succeeded with unbelievable odds against him, and for that ,I certainly applaud his efforts. I hope that the day never comes when I feel differently, because when I repeated it to some others, it was like "Oh, God"- It would be like saying "Well, at least Dana Reeve is not fighting for her last breath now" but, little Will's life, along with ours is just SOOOOOOOO cruel, happens to be the fact of the matter. I find that realizing this for myself became painfully critical. Whatever and whenever people say things that could and normally would hurt my feelings, just don't anymore. I love the same, if not deeper, but have become hardened, as I certainly would be expected to, to the cruel realities that have gotten in the way of our lives , and that most certainly, includes you. I am glad that you are here!!! xoxomamabets

[bokenhearted]

I have been reading some of the last posts and find that we all certainly share many things in common. People do say things that hurt us but I really do think that it is ignorance mostly that makes people say these things. Depending on the situation, I usually let most go but sometimes (depending on my day) I have just turned on the person and let them have it and just say whatever comes to my mind. Nine times out of ten they stammer out an apology and say they didn't quite know what to say and they hadn't really looked at it from my angle. If I am honest I think maybe I have said or thought that people who have lost someone need to get on with things. That is before I lost my beautiful son. So I was insensitive once to how people might be feeling but that was because I just didn't understand. So I try to explain how it is unbearable for me and hope they will try to understand but there are some people who will just never listen.

I had something rather nice happen today. My son use to spend a lot of time with his mate going fishing. On many of these trips to the coast there were times when photo's were taken. I don't really have a lot of photo's of Karl in his adult life. One of Karls friends mother copied some photo's and she delivered them to me at work today. I was so touched by this that I burst into tears. She was saying she was sorry that she didn't mean to upset me but I told her she hadn't but I do get rather emotional at times. It was just looking at his lovely smiling face staring out at me from the photo that did it. Some of you talk about signs, well I felt like Karl was saying to me .. see Mum I am ok.. It is his birthday on the 22nd March. this is the 1st birthday we have to face since he died last April. I don't want to let the day go by with nothing to mark the day but am not sure what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[julsmom]

bokenhearted - I have no suggestions about celebrating Karl's birthday. Some folks have parties. We just went to a friend's house and had a quiet dinner.

I cried today after grocery shopping. The Girl Scouts are selling cookies in our area and a troup was set up outside the store. And even though I have 5 boxes at home and we shouldn't even be eating one, I had to buy another box because there was Julie in my head telling me to do so. We was a GS until her sophmore year in high school and even when she quit, she still wanted to sell the cookies. She just liked meeting people. Peace to all of us. Lynda

[mamabets]

For All- Know that when your feelings get hurt by what people either say or don't say, we are always here for each other,and we always understand!! I am amazed at the number of people that have fallen off the face of my earth, because a child of mine has passed away. Not to mention, the wonderful people that have graced my life since. This is our life now, as we know it, and I thank God for each and every one of you ,each and every day!!! xoxomamabets

[deewithgreeneyes]

dear Brokenhearted..I don't know how you may want to spend your day on your son's birthday. I have been quandering it myself, Michelle's is April 14th. I decided to dedicate this day to her so I have thought what does Micheele enjoy doing? Well, she loved hikes and spiritual time alone, so I am going to do that. I have chosen a spot to go to for this. Then I am coming home and I am starting a book for Michelle's 2 year old Kaili. I am going to start with getting Michelle's birth certicate printed on a nice page from Kinkos and start with the day Kaili's mommy was born and will continue on this book for 1 year. Everyday write one page. My birthday present to Michelle so her daughter will know her mommy. Then I am going to the beach and give away some T shirts that were printed up for Michelle's memorial and give them to the surfer's who have been so supportive. Then I will cry at the end of the day and light a candle for her.

[Guest Guest]

This is my first posting to this website. I have been reading your messages for the past year and a half or so and have found a lot of comfort here. I lost my beautiful daughter, Lori, in an automobile accident on May 3, 2004. She was 34 years old and my only child. She was truly my best friend and I miss her dearly. The devastating pain from this type of loss can be unbearable at times. She gave me some wonderful gifts while she was here.....her unconditional love, her humor and her beautiful smile and big hug whenever we got together. I will always treasure those memories. Sometimes, there have been poems or things that you might have shared on this website and I made copies of them. They really helped me and I can read them from time to time. Wishing you all peace and comfort. Patty

[briansdad]

dear Brokenhearted

This will be Brian's second birthday April 19 as an angel.Last year I invited all his friends and our family for a birthday rememberance.I filled 24 white balloons and one blue one for the year he's been in heaven, with forget me not seeds so when they popped they planted flowers.We had a cake and everything.It was a good day.

[maskott]

brokenhearted...I am trying to figure out what to do for Matthew's birthday which is March 26. It is also his 1st birthday since he died. I have sent notes to his best friends and told them to tell anyone who wants to stop by and celebrate Matthew's birthday with us. I wanted to release balloons also and Jeff came up with a beautiful suggestion. He suggested that we go to the town baseball field at 6:34AM(the time Matthew was born) Go to second base (the postion he played all his life) and release the balloons exactly at 6:34. I also informed his friends that I want them to tell me stories about their time with Matthew. I'm going to cry anyway so I might as well cry because people are remembering the good things about him.

I know it's going to be a tough day....

BettyAnn

[julsmom]

Dear Guest (Patty) I am sorry for your lost. I too lost my daughter at age 27 in a one car crash. While I have a surviving son, she was my only daughter. I miss the adult she became. Perhaps when you are stronger you can tell us about her. Peace, Lynda

[mamabets]

For Patty- Welcome, my dear- I tell all that I am so lucky to have come across another who, too, knows all that I am experiencing... What a way, but together, these people here have saved my soul and my sanity. My Danny left us on June 15, 2004, and I just keep spinning and spinning and spinning, it seems like, waiting for the day when this will all settle. But, in the interim, I am honored to be in the company of all here who so openly and freely give of themselves and their hearts. I find a piece of my Danny in each and every new friend, between each and every line of their story. Please stay with us... We need you and get hope from you and your life as you now know it. Know that your Lori is with you always and that while none of this will ever make any sense , we are never, ever alone. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Maskott- Now, doesn't that sound like a birthday bash??? i will send a balloon from here- You name the color!!!!! I love you and think about you all the time!! You are clearly doing the very best that you can with this, and I am so lucky to have you in my corner of this upside down world of mine!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Julsmom- I hope that each day can bring you one day closer to a peace that you work so hard for. You are ALWAYS here, always ready and eager to share your pain in the hopes of helping one of us. I love to hear from you and I hate knowing how much you miss your Julie..... Thanks for always showing up, it seems, when I just can't!!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Briansdad- On the day that you sent those forget me nots, some have sprouted here, because I will love you forever and will forget you not!!!! You are the greatest!!! xoxomamabets