Loss of an Adult Child

[maskott]

Kathy...sorry you had a bad day. Some days you can prepare for, such as birthdays and anniversaries, and some days sneak up and hit you hard without realizing that they are going to. I've had a few of those days myself.

Tomorrow is Matthew's six month anniversary. Last week, I was an emotional mess. Crying on and off. Today, I just feel numb...just as I felt after his death. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my stomach is in a knot. Not tearful yet, though.

So many new people. I remember when I was the new person and needed so much help to get through each second. I would come on this site about 20 times a day. The past week, I'm finding it hard to come and see the pain that the newcomers (and some old timers) are going through. Sometimes the pain just becomes too much, so I didn't come on at all yesterday. This was the first place I came to this morning however, as soon as I got to work. You just can't stay away. You still need to come, even if it's just to read...to see how friends you have met on this site are going and helping in any small way that you can.

Jeff got an email around Christmas from a friend from high school. He, of course, didn't know about Matthew, so Jeff had to tell him. Last week, the friend called him, trying to help him through this...and...you guessed it- what he had to say didn't help. In fact, a few days after the phone call, Jeff was so angry at what he had said. The basic...I don't know what you're feeling but you need to get on with your life...your son wouldn't want you upset...I've lost family members from my wife's family etc. At least here, people understand because they have lost a child. We all know the hopelessness, heartache and despair. We "know" we are supposed to get over it...it's just impossible to do and you don't know it until you are going through it.

Thanks for being here for all of us...for knowing that there are no special words to say to make this better...no cliches to help our aching hearts...just support in knowing we are all going through the same grief.

BettyAnn

[maskott]

Peacefulnow...you slipped in when I was writing my response...I'm sorry for your loss of Ian. One month is tough (as is all the others-sorry to say) but it is so new. Keep reading, and hopefully something someone says may make a difference in how you are feeling at that particular minute. As they said when I first came on...take one breath at a time. Just make it through today, and take tomorrow when it comes. Matthew's 6 month anniversary is between today and tomorrow (he died in the night) and I don't think today is any better than the one month. You learn to live with it and accept it. May you find some peace today.

BettyAnn

[julsmom]

BettyAnn-I read your post after I emailed you. I am sorry Jeff's friend was not helpful. Peace, Lynda

[mominagony]

Dear all.....

Mondays are so hard for me. Matthew died on a Monday. The last time I saw him was around 10 PM Sunday evening....headed out to pick up his buddy. It was raining and I told him to be careful. I can't remember what he was wearing and that bothers me. Then, at around 2 AM, 3 police officers knocked at the front door. I knew immediately what had happened......

This Monday is especially hard. I live in Pittsburgh and, of course, we just won the Super Bowl. There is a new generation here who have never experienced winning. Matt would be so happy. I sat yesterday with my daughter and her boyfried and watched the game and all I could think of was that Matt was missing out on so much.....just not fair.

Mary....I have thought more than once about moving. Get out of the neighborhood.....the familiarity of it all. The community/neighborhood where Matt grew up...went to school, worked, etc. I look out the back door and still expect to see him pulling into the driveway. Sigh........

I am amazed at how many of our children died in auto accidents...so violently.

I will forever wonder if Matt knew he was dying or if his mind simply couldn't process the trauma/shock. What thoughts we have to bear, eh?

Blessings to you all,

Linda

[mamabets]

For All- I have had this for quite sometime and wanted to share it with you...

"THERE HAVE BEEN ANGELS IN MY LIFE"

There have been angels in my life. While they haven't arrived with a blast full of trumpets, I've know them just the same. They perform their acts in human guise, sometimes borrowing the faces of family and friends, sometimes posing as well meaning strangers.

You have known them too. When just the right word was needed, when a tiny act of kindness made a great difference, or perhaps you heard a voice whispering in a night of sorrow, their words not quite clear, but their meaning unmistakable...

THERE IS HOPE...THERE IS HOPE...

I love this and have it framed on a wall in my house. I copied it shortly after my Danny departed on his one way flight from here into his "land of make believe come true" and handed it out to all of the doctors and nurses that cared for me, after I was hospitalized, having suffered two serious nervous breakdowns. I loved it then, and I love it still. It says alot and I hope that all of you enjoy it too!! Much love always,xoxoxomamabets

[julsmom]

Linda - I remember when you joined the board and there were so many similarites for us. My daughter was traveling from Pittsburgh back to us (her boyfriend and his family live there) in NJ when the accident happened outside of Philadelphia. We had lived in Pittsburgh for her high school years (well, 3 of them) and later lived in OH just outside of the 'burg. She went to college north of Pittsburgh. Julie would have been happy that the "Stillers" won. May we find peace, Lynda

[julsmom]

Linda - I remember when you joined the board and there were so many similarites for us. My daughter was traveling from Pittsburgh back to us (her boyfriend and his family live there) in NJ when the accident happened outside of Philadelphia. We had lived in Pittsburgh for her high school years (well, 3 of them) and later lived in OH just outside of the 'burg. She went to college north of Pittsburgh. Julie would have been happy that the "Stillers" won. May we find peace, Lynda

[daveydow1]

Mary,

Yes, I agree---there is something inside me that says we

should move from our small town and so many sad memories.

So far we have not done anything about moving. We toss it

around now & then though. Guess we'll just wait and see how

it goes. We have so many nice memories here at our home when

Davey lived with us. Each one of us has to do whatever we

think is best for our individual families. You are in my prayers.

Jeff & Betty Ann,

I'm sorry that your friend's remarks hurt you. I guess they

feel a need to sort of "pump us up" with remarks such as

he said. However, there is no possible way these people can

know how we feel when we lose a beloved child. 6 mo. is such

a very terribly painful point after the loss of a child. I

know that I was in a very bad way at that stage. My son's

best friend called our house only 1 hr. after we found out

about our son's death. David and he were to go to a stag

that evening, and he called to talk to Dave. He was shocked

nearly speechless. He has kept in touch with us in calls, email,

and visits. He is one of the very few who will talk to us

about Davey, and it helps us immensely. I pray that you can

somehow find some peace and comfort. My heart goes out to you

at this time. Peace be with you.

[griffinsmom]

Ive been reading your posts...Griffin only made it to 17 1/2...but-

as far as moving...Griffin lived here his whole life- it is a small town- but I am really scared to death to move! Maybe I feel I'll lose even more of him, I dont know. I feel for my husband and daughter (shes 15 months)- because I may never want to leave this house for the rest of my life- for real. FYI- Griffin was killed in a speed/tree related car accident with his friend driving, New Years Day-2005. I have been very close to home for the past year...like, im the bedroom for 8 months, just now taking Gianna to the park...I just dont know how people manage to survive this and hang on to their lives. I just go through the motions day in and day out, thinking eventually it will all play out....(then Griffin comes home?)...what a mess.

[mominagony]

Lynda.....small world, eh? Where did Julie go to college? Grove City, Slippery Rock, Edinboro...all north, I think.

Griffensmom....yes, it is a mess. A mess no one should ever have to deal with.

I pray for our peace of mind and any small comfort.

xoxoxoxoxo,

Linda

[rhonda68]

Hello everyone. I have created a web page in my sons memory as it is almost his first year angel date. I felt the need to do something. Please go in and check it out at http://www3.telus.net/public/rh0nda and sign my guest book. Again always thinking of you.

Love,

Richards Mom Oct 9,1985 - February 23rd

[julsmom]

Rhonda68 - a beautiful webpage. Thank you for sharing.

Mominagony - Julie went to Allegheny in Meadville. Because she had spent 3 yrs in Pittsburgh, she still had many friends there and went when she could to see them.

Peace, Lynda

[maskott]

Rhonda68...was just on Richard's webpage. Such a handsome young man. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my heart and prayers and will remember to light a candle for Richard on Feb. 23.

BettyAnn

[wnf4ever]

Rose -

Are neither of your email accounts active? The last one I sent to you wasn't returned, but you didn't receive it?? There is A LOT we NEED to talk about. I guess that's the main reason I wrote such a long letter to you. As soon as you get your email account up and running, PLEASE let me know and I'll get that letter to you. Maybe you could use someone else's email to receive it? I guess we can post our addresses/no's here? I don't know... I hope you are hanging there okay, I'm not doing so well... Just know you are in my prayers and I HOPE to hear from you SOON!! Take care of yourself.

Warren's mom

Marty

[maskott]

Just needed to share. Matthew's six month anniversary is today. When I went to the snack machine I found a penny...year-1981, Matthew's birth year. It is just what I needed. Also, the snack machine had nothing I liked...added bonus.

Daveydow1...you are lucky to have the one friend of Davey's that you can talk to about him. We do not see any of Matthew's friends.

I was trying to explain to a co-worker today what the feelings are that we are going through. I tried to explain that it's not only missing the person...I'm sure they can understand that...but it's also guilty for what you did or didn't do, upset about what they missed out on, upset on what we are missing out on with them not being here. So many factors that no one can understand. He listened and I'm thankful for that but he prefaced our conversation by saying "you are handling this so well". I shrugged my shoulders and said "no not really". He is the only one that I work with that remembers the 7th as Matthew's anniversay. So, I've learned that he means well, it's just difficult to listen to some days.

The days half over and only 15 more minutes of work. I will make it through today.

BettyAnn

[julsmom]

BettyAnn - your friend is probably right "you are handling this well". While we know we do not handle this well, we put on faces, go to work, not cry constantly, get through the day. The rest of the world believes if it were them they would stay in bed, not go any where, etc. The ugly reality is life does go on, and we continue to go with it (not necessarily happily), we get up, get dress and do what we have to do. You and your family are in my prayers tonight as always. Peace, Lynda

[daveydow1]

Jeff & Betty Ann,

My prayers are for you this day---6 months since your tragic

loss of dear Matthew. Yes, people do mean well. Sometimes it

seems like anything they say will be hurtful, and yet for them

to say nothing is also hurtful. I guess there's no answer to

that dilemna. It's just something we go through in this nightmare.

Take care, and peace be with you both.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

I tried to access your webpage with the address you

gave, but was unable to get it. I tried under Google

and Yahoo, but no luck either time. I was so hoping

to access it & see your tribute to your dear son Richard.

I'll keep trying. In the meantime, if you have any tips

that might help me get to the webpage, let me know.

Thinking about you & praying for you as your angel day

approaches. Peace be with you, Rhonda.

[enufalreddy]

Like so many others I am coming up on an important day concerning my son...Walter would have been 33 on Feb. 16th. I feel so angry sometimes. So robbed, because of the lifestyle Walt was living. He hid it from me by staying away and not staying in touch the way he should have. Sure there were holidays or special occasions when I would be able to arrange to be with him and his little family.But I truly feel cheated of about the last 6 years of his life.I should have known long before I did that he had a drug and alcohol problem.But noone told me and I wasn't witness to it. How could I have known? And there is really nothing I could have done about it anyway. He had chosen his path. Even after being in trouble with drug court and going to rehab he just couldn't find the humility to go to meetings or program and say "I still need help" Why didn't his daughter mean more to him than his drugs?So many questions that there are no answers for.I think of the way he was as a little boy.So sweet and caring.Then such a wise-acher as a teen although he maintained his sensitivity to his friends' feelings.Then as a young adult he had such promise.Had his own business.Made good money.And it all got sucked out of him by the drugs and the booze.I miss him so terribly. There is no hope for recovery for a better tomorrow. Only the wind whistling around his headstone in a lonely plot out in the country.Frustrated...I feel very frustrated today.How can we ever overcome this weight that lays on us like a ton of bricks??? Today feels like it will be a one hour at a time day.May we all find some kind of peace...even if only for a few moments...to make tomorrow worth getting up for. To spark some kind of hope in my heart.Peace be with us all...Please Lord............Erma

[julsmom]

Erma - You will be in my prayers today. May you find peace. Lynda

[midhar]

To Erma,

Sometimes I had to take a second at a time then a minute, half hour, hour, half a day, then a whole day at first. This load we carry is so heavy at times we can even stand under it.

Drugs and alcohol are something that only the person themselves can do anything about. We have no power to help them within oursleves or they would not do those things.

You could not realize his problem unless you were around him a lot and even then they can get by without our detecting it. They are very sneaky about it.

They become very good at hiding it from those they want to hide it from.

Do not blame yourself in anyway for what was his problem. All parents and friends and family can do is love them,

not enable them and pray that they quit.

Go easy on yourself. we and we alone are the ones who make our choices in life. The good and the bad ones and we are the one responsible for both.

I have survived over 6 years without my daughters. Not the life I would have chose but the one dealt to me and I finally had to make a decision to live and not die. It was very hard to keep going whan all I wanted was to die too. I had others here who needed me and I did not want to cause them anymore pain so I just took a second at a time at first and as I said early in this letter I kept on till I was doing a day, a week, a month Etc.

The pain never leaves but it gets covered over enough that I

can live around it. Every day that goes by is one day closer to seeing Patti

again.

Know I care, Jeni

[daveydow1]

Erma,

I am so sorry that this is such a bad day for you. As you

said, it is sometimes just one minute or hour at a time.

My prayers are with you. Peace.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

Thanks for the help in getting to your Richard's memorial

page. He is indeed a nice looking guy. You did a nice job

on the web page----it is easy to see that it was a labor

of love for you. I will be thinking of you in the upcoming

days, as your angel day approaches. Take care. Peace.

[mom2angels]

{{{Erma}}}~ I am so sorry for your pain. As difficult as it is, you are right to remind yourself that Walt made his choices and that you had no control over the choices he made. It's quite likely that Walt didn't really have control over the choices he made either, as addiction is a disease.

I pray that every day you feel another brick lifted off of your aching heart and that you will find your way to peace and comfort for more than just a few moments at a time.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Betty Ann}}}

It's so difficult for people who care about us to know the right thing or the right way to say something to us Your co worker is complimenting you by saying that you are handling it well, most likely imagining how hard it must be to handle anything well after losing your dear Matthew.

And you are handling it well, Betty Ann. You are functioning. You are dealing with your grief. Even though you may not feel that you are handling it well, you are.

I'm so glad that you found that penny. Matthew seems to know just when you need one.

Praying for your peace and comfort every day~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Rhonda}}}~

Your tribute to Richard is beautiful. Your love for your handsome son shines through.

Praying for your peace and comfort today and every day~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[enufalreddy]

Thank you to all who answered to my posting yesterday.I appreciate the wisdom and support.I've been thinking about how others don't seem to know what to say to us. How could they???????? I remember a woman I worked with who lost her 18 year old son to a auto accident.Virginia was never the same after that happened.Never quite all right here in the moment...distracted and detached in many ways.And tied even more strongly than before to a spiritual realm that I didn't understand at the time.Today I completely understand Virginia.I think sometimes that I might call her and talk to her about what she is doing today to deal with her grief.She is a very religious person.I know that helps her but I also know that she has tried some mediums to attempt contact with her son.I worked with her for about 20 years but have been disabled and haven't seen her in about 3 or 4 years now. But I'm sure she wouldn't mind my calling her to talk to her about this.And perhaps to apologize for not understanding or knowing what to say when she was having such a hard time.Most of us at work just thought the accident had caused her to lose her mind.Well, now I think people probably think the same way about me.I don't care what they think.They will never really understand unless it happens to them and I pray it doesn't happen to anyone.So I am going to call Virg and ask her if she would like to have coffee some day.A long overdue invitation.Thank you all again for your kind words.I pray for peace for all of us.....Erma

[mamabets]

For Enufalready- I am with you, Erma, as you try so hard to make sense out of all of this. I hear you, and I know you all too well... I got your e-mail and I am going to send to you a few miracle photos that hopefully will show you what I find myself sharing with you today... These angels of ours are around us and I hear your strong belif that they are too... I try to remember, when it gets really painful, that my Danny knows no pain... No more... No need for drugs or alcohol, no need to worry about his next paycheck or his next confrontation with his father. I am grateful for that, and if it means that I have to endure this here for him, I will try my best to do it!! I am going to send you these e-mails and hope that they help you!! xoxoxo Much Love, mamabets

[mamabets]

For All- Look at the time of my last post- 4:44 AM- I had someone tell me once, a very spiritually connected friend, to always know that when I see the #4, to know that Danny is near...!!! I think that we are all off to a good start today!! xoxomamabets

[enufalreddy]

Thank you Mamabets for your time and care. The quilt is so nicely done ! "Search and ye shall find..." We find our children at he oddest and most appropriate times leaving their ever loving footprints in the sand for us to follow. Love and Peace to all, Erma

[maskott]

I have to admit I feel guilty...usually I check out this site at least 10 times a day...yesterday, I think I checked it out first thing in the morning and never came back. (smack, smack-hitting myself for being so bad)

Erma...I think contacting Virgina is a great idea. I'm sure it will be good for both of you to talk about your loved ones. You know Walt is always by your side. Always have faith in that.

Roslyn...again, thank you. You always know the right things to say to ease an aching heart. I'm thankful for the penny...it was certainly perfect timing. I was thinking about mounting it on cardboard and framing it...it was a perfect gift.

I know I'm doing all right, better than others, not as good as some. I am functioning...I have no choice. I'm in the same frame of mind as mamabetts. Matthew is happy, healthy and rambunctious as ever. He doesn't have to worry about his mood swings, his drinking, not being able to eat or sleep ever again. That makes me happy. Jeff and I have discussed that sometimes, it's easier for us because Matthew had problems...now he doesn't. It's not the same as losing a child to an accident. I don't know if I would be able to handle it as well as I am handling this. (hope that made sense) However, of course, it doesn't minimize the pain of missing him and the guilt of not doing enough to help him with his disease (bipolar) My heart still aches for him.

Six months gone....how many more to go?

Peace to all.

BettyAnn

[rhonda68]

Thank you for going to the web site it means so much to me to be able to share my life with Richard. I miss him so much and I will Love him forever. Sometimes I cant always function to good but I want to help anyone here as I know the heartache this is my promise to Richard to help people with their heartache as society is not very understanding. We need all the help we can get. You are all definately part of my new family and I am so glad to have you. Don't know what I would have done without all of you.

Love,

Rhonda

[aprilsmom]

Usually I go back a few days and read all the entries - tonight i can't even do that. I have hit rock bottom and need everyone's prayers. Before April died her biological dad and she built a beautiful new home for her and Bobby. April was the main bread winner working in land acquisition for a large construction company. Bobby worked at odd jobs and has not worked in 14 months but her life insurance and workman's comp has allowed him to stay in the house. I dropped by to see him but his friend that was working in the garage told me he had gone out to lunch with this girl. I'll just call her DDD (Danielle for real but more like distraction, diversion, and deadly). I would have NO problem with Bobby seeing anyone except this particular girl had pursued him while April was alive. Infact she text messaged April 4 days before the accident while she and Bobby were celebrating their wedding anniversary. I have told a lot of people that if I ever got to talk with the girl for 30 seconds I would know in my heart what kind of person she is. WWWWEEEELLLLLL---I told Bobby's friend that was working that I was going to go in the house for a minute and he said sure go ahead. The first thing I saw was a stack of Bride magazines and a wedding planner, I thought, oh my, Apes must have left these and Bobby is throwing them away ----no, they said "Bobby and DDD's wedding plan" on the cover and the huge guest list and possible dates were there, starting with MARCH 3rd!!! She had pictures of her, Bobby, and her family EVERYWHERE. Being the mom, I walked in to the bedroom and looked in April's hope chest that we bought her years ago and it was FILLED with DDD's stuff. I upended it and proceeded to rip the curtain from the window that April and I had made just weeks before the accident. I called Bobby's cell crying (twice) to tell him I was standing in his bedroom, but he didn't respond. I left and came back that night and stayed outside on the driveway to talk to "my son", Bobby lived with us for 3 yrs. and I've known him for 11 yrs. He was a big brother to my other 2 sons. He and I were pretty upset during our conversation that mainly revolved around why he hadn't warned me about this upcoming event so that I could absorb it before going balistic. Anyway, she came out on the driveway, got in my face (she's 5'10', 150 lbs. and I'm 5'2" 110. She got in my face and told me I had a lot of nerve coming in to HER home, I think she repeated herself at least 5 times. I said, "your home? keep dreaming.". This girl has no clue that April and Bobby had agreed to pay her dad half the profit from the house when it sold, about 200 grand. I felt like throwing up but instead I did the REAL MOM thing and grabbed the sleeve of her shirt, yanking her towards me, praying that she would at least swing at me once so that I could kick the sh...out of her. Bobby just stood there during the whole thing and I kept saying, "Bobby, is THIS what you picked? Are you seeing her true colors?"

I have not eaten much or hardly slept in the last 48 hours, I can't stop crying, I have kids in wheelchairs to take care of at work. I keep calling April's workline because they loved her so much they kept her on the afterhours message recording. I think I am truly losing it, suffering the loss of another child, Bobby! Actually, I know he died in that accident too and he's lonely....but he is one kind hearted, good looking guy that could get anyone - why why why does it have to be this particular girl? I told him if it was ANYONE else i would be happy for him, that I would still have my son-in-law and any grandchildren that he might have in the future. I could welcome a new wife in to our family, especially if she didn't have one. But not this girl, never, never, never - this is the first time in my life that I think I could buy a gun and use it. I'm just so SAD and my grief over losing my daughter is strangling me. Oh yeah, when DDD marries Bobby, all becomes community property, including the pending 7 million dollar lawsuit from the accident. Gee, she gets my son-in-law, the house, Ape's life insurance, workman's comp, and the lawsuit $ for cheating with a married man. It will kill me seeing someone benefit from my daughters death. Kill me. Sorry I rambled, Renee

[mamabets]

For Aprilsmom- You own your daughter forever, you do what you feel she would want for you to do in this situation, but if you feel like you are losing it, don't!! You must get some kind of help and come right here to us ,like you did- Remember, this beast of a whatever has to live up to April's memory, and Bobby has to live with his own conscience. Good luck to both!!! This marriage is NEVER going to be anything more than a painful rebound for Bobby, and DDD got it, full time!!! My opionion, and it is only my opinion, is that they deserve each other, if infact he was sniffing around her before our April passed. Keep talking to us here and e-mail me any time you want to!!! See profile for address!!!! xoxomamabets

[maskott]

Aprilsmom...I know you needed to vent and this is the perfect place for it. Obviously, there is nothing that I can say to ease or help the situation. I certainly understand your anger. You want Bobby to end up with someone as wonderful as April. DDD obviously is not that. The only salvation is to try and have the wedding planned for a later time so that maybe Bobby will see DDD for what she really is. I wish I had something more to say...I do feel your pain and am so sorry for you to have to be going through this. Keep us informed of the situation...we do care.

BettyAnn

[DeeAnn]

Dear Renee....

I read your post on Loss of Partner and came here since you mentioned this board. ******hugs*******

There is such a thing as righteous anger, and you know it oh so well right now. As difficult as it is, don't lose your focus. Bobby's obviously *so* mixed up right now, and it will be sad to see him make a huge life-changing mistake if he does end up with DDD (I can think of a few other names for her also). I know this has to hurt like hell. Perhaps when this immediate situation has settled a bit, Bobby can listen to what you're trying to say to him.

Let us know how you're doing. Take care...

DeeAnn

[julsmom]

Renee I am so sorry you are going through this torment. I pray you find peace. Are you sure the assets will become community property if they marry? In some states premarital assets remain that of the owner (in this case, your son-in-law)and not community property. Perhaps you can get your son-in-law to do a prenup so that those assets are excluded? Peace, Lynda

[rhonda68]

Dear Renee,

I am so sorry you are going through this my heart just ached for you as I read your post. Not fair we live in a very unjust world. We lose our children and then we have to put up with everyone's crap. Why cant they just leave us alone and do what is morally right.

I really want you to do something good for yourself today. Take a deep breath. Here are some suggestions: go for a walk, talk to someone you trust about this, take a hot bath, light some candles try to lay there and relax, listen to some music that brings you comfort, get a massage. Get your favorite color in something,your favorite smell,your favorite touch,your favorite sound,get some fresh flowers,etc.,whatever brings you even a small comfort go to a favorite place where you can feel some peace. Please know I am here for you.

Rhonda

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,it is nice to see you back,i have tried to get to your son Richard's wedsite and was unable to ,please let me know how,my thoughts and prayers are with you i know your angel date is coming up...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Aprilsmom,i am so sorry for all you are going through,i wish there were some wise words i could say to make it better,i do agree with Mamabets,i wonder if this Bobby is the angel that you thought he was.He must know he is not doing the right thing or he would of told you about it sooner,so you would of been prepared,and not just walk in to find it.Please try to find some support,whether through family ,friends or even here with us,you did the right thing coming here to vent,and please know we are here for you,if you need you can email me to talk,my prayers are with you...Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,how are you,i loved the picture of Danny and his girlfriend,nice!!,sorry i haven't been on line ,i worked the last few days,and i hit a real low after Nate's angel date and birthday,but i think i am doing a little better now,i was sleeping all day and up all nite,if you noticed all my post are like at5am..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mom2angels]

{{{Renee}}}

Your anger is perfectly understandable, but try not to let it dictate your actions right now. You certainly don't want to do anything regrettable or irreparable. Take a deep breath and think about things calmly and rationally for a few minutes.

Is there any possibility that you and your husband could arrange to meet with Bobby without DDD? In that meeting, you and your husband can discuss with him your concerns and your feelings about his relationship with DDD and their potential marriage. Perhaps you can get Bobby to open up to you about why he thinks he loves DDD, what he loves about her, why he thinks that they should marry and that their marriage will last. Then, maybe you and your husband can point out some of the flaws in his thinking and persuade him to give it more time or to end it with DDD altogether. If not, at least you have tried, and you have all expressed your feelings, hopefully without arguing and raising your voices. In fact, maybe you should even meet in a restaurant or other public place, as an extra incentive to keep your anger at bay, so that you can have a meaningful discussion.

In that discussion with Bobby, you might also ask him if you can have April's hope chest, and any other item to which you feel a personal attachment that you would prefer DDD not to use. You can explain to him that it isn't just DDD (even if it is right now), but the thought of any other woman using those items which were special and belonged to April. Personally, I think you should have those things anyway. Why does Bobby need a hope chest? That is an extremely feminine piece of furniture.

If you have legal rights to any property, you might want to consider enforcing those rights now before Bobby and DDD get married. You might want to speak to a lawyer about forcing sale of the house, so that you and your husband can access your profit now. In this way, Bobby and DDD will have to move or buy you out.

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much heartache and pain, Renee. I'm sure that all of this stress is compounding your grief and exhausting you emotionally. I will pray that you are able to communicate with Bobby and reach a common ground where you both feel comfortable.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[daveydow1]

Aprilsmom,

It's awful that you have to go through all this turmoil on

top of your grief for the loss of your dear daughter, April.

DDD does sounds like she is trying to hurry everything

with the marriage and all, and may well be an opportunist.

In defense of your son---he is no doubt mixed up, grieving,

and having a good amount of guilt. Its definitely not a good

scenario for remarrying. DDD may be really putting the pressure

on him. However, if she really loved him, she would give him

the space he needs to work through his grief, however long it

takes. The suggestion that possibly meeting Bobby without DDD

being present could well open up some good dialog between you, your

husband and Bobby. DDD will not be easy to deal with. She has

shown herself to be mean-spirited and insensitive. I hope Bobby

holds off for a good while in taking the step of marrying her.

I do wish you well with all of this, and your anger is totally

understandable. Take care, Renee, and Peace be with you.

[rhonda68]

Hello Kathy how are you doing? I think of you often! My website is http://www3.telus.net/public/rh0nda/ just make sure you are using zero in rhonda and not the letter I hope you can get in I want to share my dear Richard with you.

Love,

Rhonda

[enufalreddy]

Aprilsmom..........I am so sorry. I can see myself reacting exactly as you did if such a situation happened to me. But we know that it has to be tempered to be effective. When we react irrationally with anger we lose credibility and then we are lost. I would speak with Bobby about your concerns and suggest that if this girl is on the up and up then she wouldn't mind signing a pre-nup relinquishing any financial hold on any of your daughter's hard worked for assets . And I also wish that you would ask Bobby for the hope chest and any other personal belongings of your daughters that you feel are inappropriate for another woman to use. A lawyer is a good backup for your ideas.I wish you well. I wish you peace. And I will pray that Bobby's sanity returns to him sooner than later..............Erma

[aprilsmom]

I am so touched at the responses to my cry for help! I can't believe you all came through for me like you did - it just helped me so much - you'll never know how much. Thanks for giving me strength, Renee

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

I so enjoyed seeing Richard's memorial website. I forgot to

tell you that I did sign the guestbook, but am not sure that

it registered---I may have done something wrong, who knows!

Anyhow, I know that these websites take a lot of work, skill,

and creativity. I have never done one yet--maybe someday. Your

son is so nice looking, and I can see him as being a person who

liked to have fun, and was fun to be around. My prayers are with

you in the upcoming days and your angel day. Take care. Peace be

with you, Rhonda.

[daveydow1]

Aprilsmom,

I hope that your son, Bobby is able to take his time and really

think seriously whether he should marry DDD. If he gives it

enough time, perhaps he will see that she is not the one for him.

My son, Davey, who died 6/14/03 was single, and had no serious

relationship at the time, so I did not have to go through this

ordeal that you are going through. There are so many people out

there--male and female alike--who think of nobody but themselves,

and heaven help the person that gets in their way. I am praying

that Bobby will listen to you and your husband, and consider

seriously what your concerns are. His grief is probably too strong

for him to be seeing clearly. Best of luck with this regrettable

situation. Peace be with you.

[mamabets]

For Aprilsmom- Well, if her name was not DDD going into this past weekend, it sure will be by the time it is over!!!! This "DDD" is kind of funny, when you see and listen to all of the responsible, WONDERFUL advice from your family here, as they all comfortably refer to this female as DDD- Funny...! Myself included! I am anxious, too, to see if your hubby can sit down with Bobby- Like Mom2angels thought would be good- This chick has been on a mission, it seems, to snag him for quite sometime, and if nothing else, Bobby needs to be made aware of how deeply you have been hurt by this and how your hope for him to have a happy life is like it has always been- You would never deny him of that, but come on Bobby!!! Where are his parents?? Siblings?? Are you friends with them??? xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- How are you?? Do you have a new e-mail?? I tried to send you some pictures and they came back- Said no such e-mail!! Double check your profile, maybe!! xoxomamabets