Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Kathy, glad that you feel better about the whole house thing. It is hard just thinking about moving, about having to move anyway, and witht he economy the way it is, it is a worrisome thought. You are right, we have all been through the hardest thing...

Lor, give that Kody a big old hug from me, proud of him with the flag, and tell him to have a great school year.

Rhonda, the crying is something that just has to happen, trying to cover it up isn't going to work, at least not for long, so let those tears out. I guess what I figured was, that I am going to cry when it happens, which was/is often, not only when I know it, but when I don't, so if I cry or sob while sitting at the cemetery, well I do, and if I cry/or sob going down the block, well so be it. Once, right after Jonathan and ERi's dad was diagnosed, I was in line at the bank and I just began sobbing. I stayed right there, having to move money from Peter to pay Paul, so I cried and excused myself to the woman in front of me and the man behind me and told them I had just received bad news. If I tried to not cry when tears are at the ready, I think that I would explode. I think though, that it is interesting that when you begin to walk, even on the treadmill, you cry. A direct reaction to walking which i find fascinating. Is it, do you think, the mere movement of walking that triggers that reaction, or do you think that your mind immediately goes to walks with Westley and you cry?

As far as conflict with your Son, I had many conflicts with Eri. We had just reached that time when we were becoming friends, and I was so excited by it and then she was gone.'

It was a bit cooler today with a breeze and that was nice. The acorns are falling with regularity and while I am anxious to be done with this extreme heat, and I do love the seasonal changes, I agree Sherry, there is a bit of bitter with the change. I think that we know that with the changes is also the march of more time, but we also will miss the colors of flowers, the butterflies and bees adn dragonflies...so many wonders will fly away or fall away and the landscape will change. The beauty changes. Teh miracle is in the changes and the memory the earth holds.

Krichie the moonglows do sound so gorgeous. I do hope you had clear skies to view them.

Carol, thanks for posting the great photos. It sounds like a wonderful day and Mike was making sure of you all on his lovely day.

The full moon is looking into the window right now, clear and silver light with some illuminated clouds nearby. I will make a wish on the moon for us all, that we are kissed by its beams and made to dream sweetly tonight.

[krichie]

westleysmom-- was not me that had any years or days where I did not get along with Richie. I was I think one of the few that had a close reletionship from day one with him. We had a bond I think due to early divorce from his real dad when he was 2 so it was me and him against the world for a few years which strengthend us. His friends always thaught I was physic cause I new what and when he was up to something or where he was. I did have a few years where my mother and I had big issues but we have crossed that bridge and are pretty close now.

Sherry -- the weather wazs not good this evening so no moonglow with the ballons another year to wait.

Summergirl- I really hope you get some goodnews on what ever decion you make. You sound postitve so thats a start

Dee- getting late so will have to listen to your music post tomorrow- sorry an artist you enjoy has passed, but they do leave us with many memories to enjoy as often as we like.

Lolynbo- the Fenway tribute braught chills and tears to my eyes.

I probably missed a few of you tonight on the post but am tired and have to get some rest. have pleasant dream and a good rest

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all my friends,

I just got off the phone with my daughter. She sounds amazing right now. She knows what she has to do, and tomorrow she said she will start the ball rolling. She even gave me a list of things to do. I am to go to the court house and get a restraining order out on her boyfriend. My grandaughter is to talk to the child services and tell them everything she can remember.

I worry that she is still a little misguided, but she is going to use the drug test they gave her at check in to tell social services they have to remove the children from the house. I wish she would just tell them that the man beat her. I don't understand this sick love, but I am so glad that she sees it as terrible thing that has happened. The only thing she wants is her babies. I pray to God that tomorrow goes alright. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little afraid, cause I am. I don't know how soon the law will work, or anything, and I don't trust this man. I am sure I will get a visit from him if the law doesn't get him first. I am really glad the kids have school tomorrow.

Sherry, I agree with you that the end of summer brings a little sadness.. for me it signifies that the world is always changing. Last week end I went to JaBo'a grave site, I was saddned cause every thing was missing. I was going to put things back on, but the weekend just didn't get done the way things were supposed to.

Westleys mom, thank you for the information on the reservations. I don't know what to expect if it happens, I just can't help but thinking it has to be ok

Carol, Betty, Bonnie, everybody.. thank you.. I know I am missing names, but I feel a little brain dead. There is a storm coming in so I gotta get off this thing..I will let you all know more as things happen. I will try to be safe, I know sometimes I don't think before I do, but I am trying.

Again, I can't thank you all enough, for the extra prayers through this ordeal. I hope my strength stays up. I couldn't do this without you!

[westleysmom]

Krichie-I'm sorry, it was Carol that said she and Mike had issues for a while during his late teenage years, I think. You were very lucky that you were always close with your son.

Dee-I think that it might be that during my walks, which I mostly hate and only do for health reasons, I would try to occupy my mind so that the walk would go faster. A lot of that time I would pray for Westley. He was the main thing that I worried about and the focus of most of my prayers. So now, I don't know what to do with my mind when I walk outside or on the treadmill. The videos, there's a lady talking the whole time telling you what to do and why and everything, so I don't have time to think, well, no reason to pray for Westley, he's gone, remember? That's the only thing I can think of. My daughter had bought a new piece of furniture on Saturday, January 9, and he helped us move it in and set it up. His car was in the shop, but he picked it up sometime that weekend. On Tuesday my daughter asked me if I wanted the treadmill while she was moving furniture around, so we went and got it that evening, but Westley never came home. When I look at it, I think, when we moved this in here, he was alive and less than 12 hours later, we were planning his funeral. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm a crazy woman now, so that's what goes through my mind everytime I look at it.

Leah-Stay safe, and we will all have you in our thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

[josephsmom90]

HI Erica, and everyone else,

Yes I am out here, just been pre occupied a little bit. With Michael getting home last night and I spent all day long cooking stuff for the week. I don't buy a bunch of prepared food so I had bread to make, went blue berry picking, made black berry tarts for him, blue berry muffins and potatoe salad for the church potluck today, and made a veg salad for the week after visiting farmers market Sat morning. I have been keeping you all in thought, and prayer though.

I am SOOOO glad he is home!! He came in about 8 and was thinking he'd go to the fair as it was the last day, but about a half hour later he decided against it. Sat down in the big chair with the new quilt I made for him that he'd not used yet (finnished it when he was gone) and said "I am so GLAD to be home) that was a blessing. He hung out all day with his bf and she went to church with us, then they came back here and goofed off in the barn loft, ate goodies, went to the movies and it was a great day! We see the Dr. about the leg tomorrow and it will be my first view of what's under that bandage, he is only supposed to take it off every 3 days so I've not seen it. All appears to be going well though. I was changing my bedding tonight, and as I pulled on a particular pillow case, I knew it was one all the boys had, and thought I have something Joseph laid his head on! Michael asked Daniel about there where is this that and the other thing as for Joseph's belongings, I was supposed to get his college books. He told Daniel, you better hand them over, its been over a yr. I had to smile, at the same time it brought tears, knowing he gave almost all his things to 'friends' who were really not friends at all... God bless everyone of you! Peace

Elaine

[krichie]

Elaine _ So glad your boy is home and happy to be there. Sounds like you have been really busy with the homecoming and the cooking. I am glad I can hear a smile in your typing.

Riolheiser - Please becareful- The law is on our side but does not mean they are around 24/7. I am glad your daughter is still upbeat and ready for making a change and glad she has you standing beside her.

Westleysmom - I was bless with my reletionship with Richie. I can not say the same for his brother, he is really trying my patience. He is the exact opposite of Richie. Kris would rather spend his days laying in bed, playing games and not doing a damn thing. You ask him to bring dirty cloths out for you to wash and you get an attitude like you would not believe. He is 20 and has been the baby. What can I do??? I can't kick him out. I try telling him its time to grow up and face life get a job and stick to it ect,.. ect.. but I can talk to I am blue in the face he just doesn't get it or care. One of the reasons money is tight is paying for his car insurence and phone service, which I can't cancel because of contract. and if I stop paying insurence then he can't drive to find a job so it is a catch 20-2.It is not grieving for his brother he has always beebn this way thinking the world owes him. I love him dearly but do not like being around him much-does that make since.

Woke up in a very grumpy mood. Thinking awful thaughts which I hope do not come out of my mouth as I go try to wake this boy up and make him go get applications or something today.

Peace to you all thru out the day

[ericasmom]

Elaine, great that Mike is back, I am so glad that you are happy in his homecoming.

Krichi, listen when you are able, I just think that the song is a good reminder of how to let the day begin. Here's to you and here's to our Babies.

AAAAHHHHHH! I am going to start back to school today, wish me luck, NO kids till tomorrow though.

Lord and ERi , please bless us with a good year in school, help direct our steps providing the best that we can offer to each child.

dee

[jefferysmommy]

Hello BI's,

I haven't been able to get here, came down with something on Thursday afternoon, and to tell you the truth, still not feeling 100%.

Dee, enjoy the first day of school, though there aren't any children today, and all the best for tomorrow, when you start learning the new names and seeing the new faces, I know that you are one of those teachers that the kids will always remember.

Elaine: Glad that Michael is back with you and am really glad that he feels how nice it is to be home.

KRichie: I'm sorry that you missed the balloons due to weather, in regards to your son, how far do you live from town, if you were to cut off his insurance and he would have to walk to get a job, and work at that job to get his insurance back, would that help? Is it his own car? If so, you can say he can only have it if he is going to work and back, not for personal things, sometimes a little tough love helps, but I don't really know the whole situation.

Leah: My thoughts are with you as you and your daughter get the ball rolling, you are a strong and amazing woman, please be safe and keep us posted.

Lorri: Your story about Brent's family, my goodness, I don't know what to say, I would have likely left crying as well, big hugs for you. Also, I love the quilt, it is amazing, taking the woman out for dinner is a good thing, and if you still feel the need to pay her, you could donate on her behalf to a charity, and send her the donation card. It is a lovely way to say thank you.

Sherry: I do feel the same way at the end of the summer, today is the first morning in a long time that I put pants on Devin rather than shorts, and it is a reminder that summer is coming to a close, my worst time is January typically after Jess' birthday, as it is 2 days after Jeffery's Angel Anniversary, but until them I am busy planning or cooking or getting ready to celebrate Jessica, it's when that is over that my mind goes to Jeffery, I always go to the cemetary the day of, and think of him that day, but because of Jess' birthday being so close, it seems that it is after that, that my thoughts of Jeffery and missing him are so strong. Glad that you had a nice bon fire night.

Sonya: Happy Belated Birthday, sorry that I missed it, I was laid up on the couch for a few days.

Carol: Happy Belated Birthday, Mike, again, my apologies, had I known, I would have come on and sent a quick note on the day. Thanks for the kind words about Jeffery's avatar, I appreciate it. Also, I loved the birthday message at Fenway, that is so awesome, as well as the beaded decoration, it is just beautiful.

Kathy: Sorry about the house, I know you don't need this added stress now, but I do hope that an arrangement can be made and I am sure that you will make it through this. My thoughts are with you.

Rhonda: I was the same for a long time, if I was alone with my thoughts for too long, I would cry, I did what I could to keep myself busy and I did have very good friends to get me through, Christmas is a good time for us, as I had Jeffery from November 4 till January 11th, so every year, it is bittersweet, but Jeffery's 2 first Christmas decorations go up, and I look back and remember the little one with us for those holidays, it's other times that sadden me more, other holidays, and his sister's birthday, he never made it that long.

Colleen: I'm so sorry about the Christmas stuff, holding you in my heart, and thinking of you.

Betty: I do hope that you have a wonderful time on your trip, it sounds so exciting, take lots of pictures and post them so that we can all share in your adventure, I am so happy for you, you are going to have a great time.

I know that I have missed many of you, but you are all in my thoughts and I am still trying to catch up, as I haven't been on for so long. Peace to all of you, my friends. Also, thank you for all the nice comments on the tatoo, the pain was definitely worth it.

[lostwoher]

Good morning everyone. Just heard from Susannah who isnt able to connect. She recently spoke of being disappointed for those who cant connect and now she is one of them. I sent Eric a PM so hopefully he can help her out soon. She misses everybody and will be back asap. I also sent her the instructions Eric posted previously.

Hope everyone is doing well.

[shorty16]

Kathy

I will say a prayer for you. I agree with Bonnie. That price does not sound too bad? Usually, when you take out a large loan, you can figure a rough 1% as your monthly payment. With nothing down, your monthly payment would roughly be $2,900. The $1,400 she is offering is good. She does not seem to be sticking-it-to-you on the price. My husband was a morgage loan officer for several years.

I am sending prayers your way.

Colleen

[krichie]

Jen- we live a good 30 minutes from any town with jobs so can not walk or ride bicylce. It is his own car but I can still hold it from him- thing is he does not go anywhere so can't use it as a bribe. If I don't pay his insurance then he can not go look for job or if we cancel and he finds one the cost to reinstate would be pretty high. I am sure things will work out in long run but I find I can't say whats on my mind because if something ever happened to him I would be in an aweful mess knowing we were fighting and all. How we change our words and way of thinking after something like this happens. I told my hubby we will have to tell him to find somewhere else to live he can't keep sponging off of us, but we can't play that tough love card anymore.

Its 10:30 am and he will stay in bed till afternoon then stay up watching tv and playing games till 2. He comes to me saying hes bored and nothing to do and I of cou=res tell him get a job so yoiu have money to buy new games or go to beach or play disc golf and he just rolls his eyes and ask if I have to keep throwing that up.

[westleysmom]

Elaine-I'm glad to hear that Michael is back and you are getting to cook for him. That is such a blessing. I hope it doesn't look too bad under the bandage.

Krichie-I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time with your second son. Westley was my baby, and 20 years old, so I kind of know what you're talking about. Since he worked with my husband, he did have a job, and most of the time he did get up and go, although we had to drag him up because he stayed out so late at night. None of his friends had regular jobs at the time, and he tried to hang out with them, but he still had to get up early and go to work. I couldn't get him to understand that you have to give up some of that when you get to be grown up. We had been discussing him moving out to keep him off the roads after drinking, and I thought it would be good for him, although I was afraid his non-working friends would lay around all day at his place, sponging off of him. Since January, most of them have grown up some and gotten jobs, although they have a hard time keeping one because most of them don't have vehicles. Westley's friends didn't have much and I think sometimes he felt embarrassed because we did. Both my husband and I are driven people. We're not workaholics, but we work hard and always have. My first job was bussing tables where my sister was a waitress when I was 13, and I don't think I've been without a job since, even during high school/college years. So we don't understand the current culture, where working is optional and kids think they should be able to set their own hours. But that's another sermon. I just don't know what to tell you, but I did get a book called "Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children" last fall because I was afraid of what was going on with Westley, well before January. If you would like it, I can mail it to you, I don't have much use for it now. Actually, it makes me sad to even look at it. Maybe I was wrong, maybe it was going to be all right, and then this happened. Anyway, if you can send private messages and want it, give me your address and I can send to you. Maybe it would help.

Jenn-Glad you are feeling better. We miss precious little Jeffrey when you're gone.

Colleen-Thanks for the PM about trying to do something different for the Holidays. My family has always come to either my house or my sister's house for Thanksgiving/Christmas, swapping back and forth each year. I had already begun to resent it, after my daughter had her daughter and had another family to go see. The past few years, I have wanted to change the way we do it anyway. I know I have to take care of us, because its not only me, but my daughter doesn't even remember Christmas without Westley, although she was 3 when he was born. I need to sit down and talk to all of them about what MY little family wants to do. I'm not sure we can all go because of her in-laws, I hate to rob them of their holidays. One day at a time, that's how we do this.

Have a good day all.

[Eric]

I was testing things today because of the issues logging on, out of curiosity, any of the people who have had trouble logging on but are eventually able to do so... Do you have trouble logging on if you go through the link on www.beyondindigo.com but if you go straight to www.grieving.com then it works?

[jefferysmommy]

Hi Rhonda, thanks for your comment it is so appreciated, I wanted to tell you what a wonderful person you are, just truly amazing, by offering your book, and sharing your own experiences, I always look forward to your posts.

Krichie: I know what you mean about changing our words and our ways of thinking, Jeffery passed away in his sleep, and not only do I worry about Devin at night, but I still check on Jess who is 16, I know that it's silly, but I can't help it, it's a part of me and who I am. The one good thing that I can see that came from this, and it took many years to realize that it is a good that came from it was that I appreciate my children so much more, they aren't spoiled, but they know that they are very loved, I try to show them independence and responsibility and they aren't coddled, but I am very open with how I feel and what words I choose and we talk all the time. I am honest with them, and they are honest with me, that doesn't mean that I don't get mad at them, especially Devin, he is 3 and pure trouble!! When they need to be told, they are told, when they need discipline they get discipline, but I believe above all, they both know that they are truly loved. But at the same time, it scares me to let go, I know it's for the best, and I try so hard to put their priorities first. For example, Jess went to a math school for a few years, it was 2 days a week after school, and when she started Jr. High, I told her to that she would need to take the bus to get there, and I would pick her up as it was on my way home from work. It's about 5 blocks from our house so maybe 5-7 stops, and only one bus no transfers. I rode with her the first two times, the first time, I showed her where she needed to go, the second time she showed me. Now, I told her she needed to do this, my thought behind it was for her to gain independence, understand the bus system a little and give her some responsibility, but inside, I'm thinking what am I doing, am I crazy, sending this little girl, on a bus by herself, I should keep letting her grandfather take her to math school, so I know that she is safe, but I knew that learning to do this was good for her, so I did. I would want nothing more than to hug them all day and keep them with me, but I know that it's not the best thing for them.

Wow, I really didn't mean to go on as much as I did, and I want you to know that I understand how you are feeling, talk to him, and let him know how you feel, it may help.

[daveydow1]

Dee----You are right about the crying......it has to come out, and it will. Not much use in trying

to keep it at bay. Thanks for the song "Let the Day Begin"......good song....good words. I wish

you good luck tomorrow when all the kiddies come pouring in. They will most likely be excited,

with all their new school supplies etc. and getting to see their friends again. About the seasons--

I have always been a bit melancholy at the end of summer. It could be that it started after Lisa

died. She came in spring (May baby), and went in Fall (Nov.) You can just see things "slowing

down" and going into a decline. I guess that's where I make the association. In August, Lisa

was 3 mo. old......then came Nov. she was 6 mo. old, then so swiftly gone. Though I have this

melancholia in fall, I do so like the changes at the same time. Today I went out to take pictures

of some flowers/etc. Maybe I can get them to post........maybe .

Krichie---Sorry that the weather did not cooperate for your "Moonglow" balloons. Also, sorry that

you have some issues with your son, Kris. I hear that same thing from quite a lot of people anymore.

I guess that it is some part of the culture of some young people today, as you say. Anyhow, I wish

you success in working things out with your son. I know that it is difficult. Thoughts & prayers for you, friend.

Leah----Still praying for you and your daughter & the children that things can improve for her life.

Elaine---Good to hear that Michael is home now. You mentioned pillowcases that Joseph had, and you

still have them. I, too, have the bed pillow that David used before he died. His sister gave it to him

for what would be his last Christmas. I will always keep it. These things become treasures to us, don't they?

Peace to you.

Jenn----Oh, that would be difficult......having a child with a birthday two days after another child's Angel Day. I

can see where you would be torn. About the seasons......one doesn't hear much about people being 'blue' when

spring comes around...or summer. But Fall seems to bring feelings of sadness, to a certain extent. Not for all

people, of course, but to many people, I've found. I love the new avatar for sweet baby, Jeffrey.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[krichie]

What does the dragonfly symbolize exactly? I have never seen one out on my property till today when I was doing yard work around Richies truck and I remember it being mentioned here and on being put on ballons. I sat down beside it as it was on a mcdonalds cup on the ground and just asked it what do you mean why are you here- as if the darn thing would spout a voice.

[jefferysmommy]

KRichie: This is from the Never Lose Faith site: http://neverlosefaith.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/n28.jpg, it is an amazing site. I hope that this link goes through, this was attached to balloons that were sent up for Nick Hand on his 2nd Angel Anniversary.

By the way, Dan, did you get any responses from the balloons?

[krichie]

OK then Richie has given me 2 signs today. I got up this morning and posted my problems with my 2nd boy. you all were so kind and responded with such understanding.

but I believe Richie sent me a that dragon fly symbolizing hope and then my neighbor braught over pictures I had accidently left in a box of toys I was giving to his kids. They were of Richie holding his brother when he was younger.How they got in that box that has not been touched in year I don't know.

So I guess hes telling me not to give up on his brother and that theres hope for us. At least that is the way I am gonna take it.

I look forward to the book on dealing with boundries with more gusto now.

[westleysmom]

Krichie-You should get the book by Wednesday or Thursday.I hope I didn't insult you by offering it to you, by the way, it just sounded like it might help. It sounds like Richie is trying to give you encouragement with the pictures and the dragonfly. You know your son Kris better than anybody, but I wonder if some of his behavior is related to still grieving for his brother. I hope the books helps. Those young adults still living at home can make you so mad, and I certainly don't want you to go through anymore heartache than you already have. I never asked many people for advice when we were having so many issues with Westley, but since January I've heard of a lot of people dealing with the same things their kids are doing. Good luck with the book and with talking to Kris. If anything that I've ever said on here about Westley would be helpful to talk to him about, I hope that it helps. Hugs to you all.

Lorri-Loved the picture of Kody flying the red white & blue. I hope he keeps up in the points.

Jenn-Thank you for saying that. As I mentioned sometime this weekend, sometimes I don't care about other people's problems, so I'm not always very nice! But you guys are family now, and are not included in "other people". January is not only Westley's birthday month, but his angel month too and I'm not looking forward to those rolling around this year without the benefit of the shock I was in this year. You all will hear about it then, I'm sure.

Susannah-I hope you get back on soon. Miss you and thinking about you and the grandkids back in school.

Got to get to it, I haven't done a thing since I walked in the door, but get on here.

[summergirl]

Hello my friends...I am taking things one day at a time. Our landlady does want us to keep the house, she knows what it means to us but I also understand that she wants to get out from under it. I will see what she has to offer this week and take it from there. I do not mind the idea of moving, actually would like something a bit bigger for Tavian....it is the idea of the "actual move" - have collected alot over 24 years here....but could probably get rid of half of it if I really looked

I sure wish I could catch up with everyone here, feel as though I am missing out on so much....I guess my plate is full right now and I have to concentrate on work, the house and Tavian. We will be camping from Sunday to Sunday starting the 29th....I am happy as we will be there with lots of friends and I LOVE camping on the beach. Not to many more trips before the winter sets in (YUK).

Tavian is very excited about going back to school, third grade !! His first year with his own locker - makes him feel like a Big Boy..I am going to change my work hours to 8:30 to 4:00 so he will only have to stay at Project Most for about 40 minutes and then I can pick him up.

I went to the cemetery today but could not get out of the car.....sat there looking at her place and thinking how "wrong everything seemed" - how is it possible that I am driving to a cemetery to see my girl, I am supposed to be going to her apartment and having her and Tavian meet me at the door....she is supposed to be saying "hey mom, can you babysit ?? she is supposed to be giving me her laundry to do - you know the kind that they hold on to until there are 4 loads to wash instead of 2 ?? So manu things that we are "supposed" to be doing !!! I REALLY REALLY MISS MY JESS !!!!

Well, I will say good night and please know that I love you all and think of you each day. Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Krichi, I do believe that Rich sent you those gifts today, definite signs from him. How wonderful,photos of Richie holding his little bro, who you are worried about, and then the dragonfly which is considered by many, the messenger from heaven.

I love when signs come and they feel clear and directed by my angel.

I think that this is an awful time for young adults as far as the economy and motivation is low among many of these young ones. Many figure, why bother, nothing out there anyway. You say that he has always been like this, how old is he? Was he lethargic as a teen as well and as a littler boy? Could he be depressed, I don't mean from the loss, but perhaps clinically depressed, no energy, no motivation, no plans?

I sure will send some hope your way in regards to your young Son. I know it is hard to see someone not take the bull by the horns and find ways to live a productive life. As I have told many young ones in my extended family, (nieces and nephews) you could walk dogs for folks that are working, you could be cutting lawns and raking leaves, and while you may think these are below you, the only thing below you is your butt, laying on the couch.

My Eri was one to sleep all day if I let her, Her biorhythms were funky. SHe came alive each day at around 3:00 PM. She could stay up all night and feel wide awake, but morning was impossible during the school year. I stopped doing her laundry when she was 12. Told her that she does not get to complain about her clothes not being washed, because it was up to her to launder them. I showed her how to do it, and when she wanted things and forgot to wash them, she learned the hard way that she would actually have to put some thought into doing her laundry. It was good for her to only have herself to blame, but also to gain the sense of accomplishing a task.

Hi Jenn, thanks for your words of encouragement as far as teaching is concerned. Elaine, Rhonda, Lynn. HOpe everyone is well today. It was a jam-packed day at school with some very inspirational talks and lots of energy. I am out of energy now however, tired as can be. Tomorrow, I meet my little troop. HOORAY!

[nicksdad]

KRichie: This is from the Never Lose Faith site: http://neverlosefaith.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/n28.jpg, it is an amazing site. I hope that this link goes through, this was attached to balloons that were sent up for Nick Hand on his 2nd Angel Anniversary.

By the way, Dan, did you get any responses from the balloons?

NO the wife never received anything and I am not about to ask again....My thought is they are still flying

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my friends: I don't have a lot of time to post, but just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and Dee, holding you close as you open the world up to yet another class of lucky children who got chosen to walk into your classroom...it will likely be the best year of their young education years...may they take with them all the love and gentleness that you impart to them over the year.

Kathy: I so pray that things will work out for you with the house...I know that Jess is watching over you.

Krichie: Oh my, yes, your wonderful son sent that dragonfly to you for hope and also those pics to show that he is with you and with his brother...Davis, our 25 year old grandson, who has lived with us for most of his life, was like a brother to Mike, though they were 10 years apart. After Mike died, Davis had started getting into things and people he just should never have tied himself to...we were worried sick, and at one point, came very close to losing him. We know that Mike stayed by his side...there were many signs sent to him that he himself even recognized and accepted, reluctantly at first, but over time, welcomed them. The first Christmas that Mike was gone, Davis with with us in our van, on the way to his mother's for us to have Christmas Eve with her, and we were talking about Mike. We unexpectedly had to make a turn we don't usually do, and when we stopped at the red light on that road, up ahead, facing us, at the red light, was a car with a license plate "misubro"...Davis was the first to notice it and tears came to his eyes...when that car pulled out, right behind it was another "momusic." Music was the one thing that Mike and Davis shared on a true soul level...Davis was trembling after he saw that second plate! Take heart, Richie is there, and you are being guided...here already you've got Rhonda sending you a book that may help...other help will come along...times won't be miraculously and instantly changed, but you will look back and see these things that "just happened" and over time you will see the path they put you on...Richie led you here to BI, and all of our angels are together, for sure.

Got to go...have a good night, everyone...Trudi, I hope you are enjoying your time away with Mal.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

I went to the cemetery today but could not get out of the car.....sat there looking at her place and thinking how "wrong everything seemed" - how is it possible that I am driving to a cemetery to see my girl, I am supposed to be going to her apartment and having her and Tavian meet me at the door....she is supposed to be saying "hey mom, can you babysit ?? she is supposed to be giving me her laundry to do - you know the kind that they hold on to until there are 4 loads to wash instead of 2 ?? So manu things that we are "supposed" to be doing !!! I REALLY REALLY MISS MY JESS !!!!

I HAVE FELT THE SAME WAY..I SHOULD BE GOING TO KOURTNEY AND BRENTS HOUSE AND MAYBE PICKING UP A GRAND CHILD...OR HELPING HER WITH SOMETHING...OR HAVING LUNCH...OR JUST BEING SILLY LIKE WE WERE A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE AND LAUGHIN AT USUALLY ME....BUT NO I GET TO GO TO TE CEMETERY AND SIT AND STARE AT HER HEADSTONE HER BEAUTIFUL FACE LOOKING BACK AT ME BUT NOT SAYING NOTHING...JUST SMILING...IM THE "FIXER" IN THE FAMILY AND I CANT FIX THIS...I FEEL LIKE SHE JUST LEFT YESTERDAY IM SO SAD AND FEEL SO ALONE...VERY ALONE....LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS MOVED ON AND IM STILL ON NOVEMBER 15, 2007...IT SUCKS AND IT PISSES ME OFF...I JUST HOPE I DONT HAVE TO LIVE TOO LONG...IM 46 I CANT TAKE THIS TIL IM 55 60 65 70...HELL NO...ITS NOT LIVING...

[josephsmom90]

Kathy,

I understand that going to the cemetary thing! I so know how you feel, wha tthat's like, though I'veonly been there once since he was put there... And it was on his birthday I had to go to the cemetary on Joseph's birthday! That is so WRONG!

To everyone else,

Thanks for your comments and support. Took Michael to the Dr. today and got the low down on the leg. I was right on about care with it and we are on top of it big time, will stay that way. He is highly suseptible to infection right now because it is raw open muscle. So I am making sure he does everything just right and lol, then some.

I'm sad about Joseph today. I want to go to the cemetary but it's 800 miles from me. I could go, but I can't put that huge dent in my savings. I think I need to take Sassy for a walk and maybe talk to God.

Peace.

Elaine

[krichie]

kathy _ sorry about trip to cemetery, we understand as only us parents can

Elaine- Sorry you have to travel so far and can't get to cemetery more often

Our children are in our hearts not in the urn or the cementer but they should still be here with us I agree wholeheartedly. I still feel like it was yesterday so many times I wake up ready to reach for phone or look out window only to realize. What I am and where I am now. I can not see how this will change much in the coming years I never want to forget but there has to be something more then remembering every second of the day and wishing.

Thank you all for your encourage meant and thoughts on dealing with Kris. He has always been a little unmotivated and maybe with his brother it has intensified some, but I really believe its just him and the modern young persons idea of living life. Kris is 20 but his mentality is probably about 18. they did say he had ADD in school so not sure if that fits into this as well.

Carol- wow that was some sign he showed you all, not just one individual but the whole family braught tears to my eyes and made my heart beat a little fast. How is Davis now?

No I was not insulted by the offer of the book or anything anyone has said. I am very happy for all advise and words of wisdom or advise from experience that is/was given.

Dee I hope you can sleep tonight before the big day with all your new students. Have a great day.

[ericasmom]

Morning All, today I meet the kids so I did not sleep well, needless to say, I rarely do the week prior to school's start. Not that I sleep real well anyhow. So I am off for a walk, then shower, then TA-DA, KIDS! Thanks again for the well wishes, they make my heart full.

love ya and best to all the new students in your lives.

[shorty16]

Indigos

The social worker called me back. She talked with Trevor's Mother. After I talked with the Social worker I called Mrs. Fields (Trevors Mom). She stated "Trevor cannot come home until he appoligizes to everyone for his words." That is fair (I thought) Then she said "I just want him to be happy. If you want, you can keep him until he is 18, then I have other plans for him." Some National Guard thing.

WHAT??@%#^

Scott and I do not feel we are fully capable of accepting the responsibility of another teenager in our home. Is that selfish? When I ask him about going home he states "Please don't make me go back there" Is he pulling my mommy strings?

I have to call the social worker back with an answer by Friday.

Colleen, asking for advise from my friends

[heartbeataway]

Morning All, today I meet the kids so I did not sleep well, needless to say, I rarely do the week prior to school's start. Not that I sleep real well anyhow. So I am off for a walk, then shower, then TA-DA, KIDS! Thanks again for the well wishes, they make my heart full.

love ya and best to all the new students in your lives.

Well, it's finally here, the "official" first day of a new school year! The thought that runs through my mind is how lucky these children are to have you as their teacher!

Happy day!

[heartbeataway]

Indigos

The social worker called me back. She talked with Trevor's Mother. After I talked with the Social worker I called Mrs. Fields (Trevors Mom). She stated "Trevor cannot come home until he appoligizes to everyone for his words." That is fair (I thought) Then she said "I just want him to be happy. If you want, you can keep him until he is 18, then I have other plans for him." Some National Guard thing.

WHAT??@%#^

Scott and I do not feel we are fully capable of accepting the responsibility of another teenager in our home. Is that selfish? When I ask him about going home he states "Please don't make me go back there" Is he pulling my mommy strings?

I have to call the social worker back with an answer by Friday.

Colleen, asking for advise from my friends

From your words, Trevor's mom sounds controlling. He was kicked out for "words" ? You kick your high school school CHILD out of the house because of WORDS you didn't like or think inappropriate?

Sorry, Colleen, I could not use the word "fair" to explain this. I believe you said he was adopted. So, he at some point in his life was rejected, now the family that adopted him has rejected him and kicked him out.

I would encourage you and Scott to think about going through the training. It's an eye opening education into the life of children that for many reasons need folks like you in their life. Regardless of whether you make the decision to accept Trevor in your home or not.

I think I would take things into consideration such as does he have any kind of police record, what "words" were so bad that he was kicked out, what provoked the words?

You have a unique opportunity to make a difference in this child's life and he in turn will make a difference in your life and the life of your children.

Set down ground rules and let Trevor know that living with you is not a free ride and that he has to respect you and your home.

Rich and I made the mistake with our placement of not assigning chores, etc. We felt she was going through so much with the legal system that we would wait until after some things "settled down". We would not do things the same way again! Structure is important. But, structure in a loving environment is crucial.

I found that in a "normal" family setting, you live with love and respect for one another. So, your children know it and live it also.

These children find a normal, loving, structured home setting "too good to be true". They have to get used to it. And with all the rejection they've already had in their life, it will take a little while before Trevor believes that it's "for real" and that it's not going to change.

So, good luck with your decision. It's a big one!

I'm curious, do the social workers think that mom's actions are acceptable? That's another thing to keep in mind. You have a voice, don't let his mother control what you do. She will try to justify her actions by making Trevor seem out of control. This situation is one that they lived and are hearing different points of view about. Follow your instincts and your heart.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dee I know your little students are in for a wonderful year with a powerful teacher who will protect their indiviual minds and introduce them to a world of wonder. Best Wishes Dear Lady

Colleen I agree with Bonnie on this issue. Somehow this child won your heart and you were moved to seek help for him Follow your heart on this one. You will be guided to the right decision.

Leah, Susannah, Trudi and Kathy and Sonya and all Indigos with little ones. I know they are beginningthe first days of the school year Many prayers on the way

Sherry I am so sorry you are feeling the sadness of the memories of sweeet little Lisa and Davey I too feel this way at the end of the summer. All the loss seem to haunt me too.

Betsy Hoping t see Rich's smilling face soon

I again have a dentist appt so iI need to run Have a Blessed Day

[briansdad]

My PC is acting up again so i haven't been able to keep up with all of you.First I wanted to share the link to what I've been doing to honor my son.

http://www.bpusastl.org/Golf_Tournament.html

I showed Brian's daughter, Alyssa the helmet he had on the day of his accident.She put her head in it and said it still smells like Daddy.I found out some new info on his accident and have really been struggling get my mind around it.I know it doesn't or can't change anything but....

Take care my friends.

Greg

[Lost without my boy]

Hello Everyone,

As I read through some of the postings below, I feel that I am imposing on a group of close friends. I hope that it is ok that I share my story and seek some words of comfort that I see you giving each other. I am new to the site and hope that I am able to help some of you as I see you helping each other.

My son, Christopher John, was diagnosed at 20 weeks gestation with having a cyst in his right lung, we went to Children's hospital in Philly for 16 weeks for 1-2 visits per weeks. He was born on 9/25 via a very extensive surgery that delivered him, but only after they removed the cyst while he was still attached to the umbilical cord. He came through the surgery with flying colors, but unfortunately his left lung had not developed correctly because the cyst compressed the lung against his chest wall. He lived for 26 days and after 12 surgeries to try to support his life he left us on 10/21.

I just finished a book that helped me more than anything else. It is "The Silent Loss" by Cindy Kludt Spock. I would recommend it for anyone in our situation. It is about a woman who gave birth to a little girl who was stillborn. This situation is different than many of our stories, but the pain we feel is the same and there are many points she makes in her book that I think will help many of you. I hope it does.

The hardest thing for me is that I feel like my friends and family think that I should be over losing my son. Ironically, when I speak to them they don't feel this way, but I keep feeling this non the less. Christopher's birthday in in one month and one day, then 26 days later is the day he left us. This time seems to be impossible for me to get through. How do I do it, without losing it? I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, I have to keep it together for her, but many times I find that she keeps it together for me. When I cry she is the one that comes over and gives me hugs and tries to cheer me up. We were driving to my mom's the other day and I was crying, b/c it was the 21st (10 months since Christopher left me). Mackenzie, my daughter, asked me why I was crying. I told her that I missed her brother and wished he was here with us. She replied with conviction, "Mom CC is right here!" and she pointed to the seat next to her. (She calls him CC, I'm not sure why, but I love it.) She then told me that he doesn't want me to be sad and he wants me to be happy. She said that he is happy. Am I crazy to believe she spoke to his spirit. Has anyone else had experiences like this?

Thank you for hearing my story.

Michelle - Angel Christopher's mommy

[shorty16]

Someone asked why the dragonfly is symbolic with death and grief. Below is a short explanation I found.

The Dragonfly Door is a fictional story based on the life cycle of the dragonfly. Intended to be read to a child by an adult, The Dragonfly Door offers parents an opportunity to express their own views about life and death. Some parents and grandparents interpret Lea's transformation into a beautiful dragonfly, living in a new place, as a metaphor for heaven or as an analogy to life after death. Nym, who is Lea's friend, continues her life underwater with others in the marsh, still sad because she misses her friend, Lea. Through a vision or dream, Nym learns that someday she will see her friend again in this new world where Lea has gone. Based on this interpretation, the core message of the story becomes one of hope for those who grieve the loss of someone.

Pretty interesting, I thought

Colleen, Brians Mother Forever

[krichie]

Michelle_ I am so sorry for your loss.I do not know anythjing about your friends or family but will tell you that you never get over losing a child and for someone that never has they do no ubnderstand. Time will help but you never get over it.

You are most welcome here, no matter the age or the circumstance we are all here to help and here because we lost a son, a daughter or a granchild. We are in your shoes some of us have been wearing them longer. I can not offer much on your daughter seeing him but I do believe they leave us all signs so I would not disregard it.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

[briansdad]

Once again I will post this for the new people.

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/IN%20THE%20BEGINNING-01-03-06.pdf

Greg

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Michelle I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child , CJ. He is certainly a little angel. In the short time he was here he captured your heart with his love and courage and sweet spirit. You are most welcomed to join this little group who have endured the most painful of life losses . We are a close group and when a new member arrives we just widen the circle. Please come post, read and be comforted. It is important to realize that you are not alone.

Greg The web site is really special and the tournament looks fantastic. Can anyone just participate?

Sherry and all Indigos I had such a beautiful surprise this morning I went out and found my little squirrel with the hurt paw. Good news she is a female!!! and has 4 small babies running after her down the tree. She is a great MOM and the babies are still nursing and not interested in eating nuts. Mom however is eating up a storm. Obviously she is not as HURT or Handicapped as I thought

Have a lovely day

[krichie]

Greg- I hope the golf event turns out well sounds like a good outlet and a great benefit to all. I hope the news you found out does not add to your sorrow. Alyssa is lucky she can still get that smell from Dad. I have tried smelling his old shirts I have in storage and theres nothing. I kept a stick of his old spice he liked and take a smell now and then- none of us really cared for it and teased him about it but I have learned to love the smell more and more.

Collen- thanks for letting us know more about the dragon fly I am gonna see if I can find the story in full version. I do remember the name Nym tho.

I am also in over shock Trevor's adopted moms action of "words". I guess you need to find out exactly what happened before you really can decide. But what plans does she have for him at 18 that sound kind of strange?

I agree Trevor sounds like he has been rejected and needs support and guidance but in my shoes I would find out more facts. Some kids can play on those mommy strings, not that he is doing that. I use to be so trusting of others but am a little cautious now even with young adults. I hope things work out and you both learn and grow from this situation.

Michelle- I did a hurried post to you earlier but again I welcome onto this site- so sorry you are here. I am coming up on the year mark of losing my son in October as well and am dreading how I will get thru this. Things happen fast after his angel date with Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas and his birthday all coming in one right after the other, so I am preparing for a another big roller coaster ride with emotions. Last year was a blur and I do not remember much after his passing. Just came out of the shock like coma a few months ago and here it is a year- where did it go, how dare time keep going with out him. There are many here who will open there hearts to you and help in anyway they can.

Dee- I hope the first day went well, can you tell from day one who will need more attention and who will be the instigator and class clowns??

[westleysmom]

Krichie-That poem is so true (and Dad's have these horrible shoes too, I'm afraid) Thank you for sharing it.

Michelle-I am so sorry for your loss. I felt as you did that I was eavesdropping on a group of close friends when I joined in June, and I guess that is true. But they have welcomed me with open arms and several others since then. We are all on the journey that no parent wants to take, the journey through life without our children. My 20 year old son died in his sleep on January 13, this year, 6 days before he would have been 21. Every day since then and sometimes parts of the night, I wonder "Why? Why did this happen? What did I do wrong?" I think that's something we all ask ourselves, and most of the time, the answer is never clear, certainly not to us. There can't be a good enough answer to the Why? Your daughter sounds precious, and I can't imagine trying to keep myself together all the time for a little one. I have a 2 1/2 year old granddaughter, and although I would love to see her everyday, if I did, it might be too much. To keep her from seeing my sadness and making her sad too. Thank you for the book recommendation, I have read a lot of "sad" books as I call them, since January. Some of them helped more than others, and the link that Greg put in his post is very helpful too. I hope you will come back as you are able and share your sorrow with us. Somehow it makes it better if you feel that someone truly understands. Oh, and my family/friends are kind of the same. I think sometimes they don't "think I should be over it" as much as they WANT me to be over it. Even they know how irrational it is to expect a parent to "get over" the loss of a beloved child, but they would just feel better if you would do it anyway. Its hard to explain, but I think its because they do care that they want us to feel better. And then we almost feel worse for making them feel bad. It's crazy! But we're all half crazy here, anyway. And I'm all the way crazy a lot of the time. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[shorty16]

Michelle

Welcome, but sorry you had to join us. None of us thought we would ever be here, but here we are. My 16 year old son, Brian decided to climb on the hood of a car. His friend drove very fast, lost control and took out 3 trees. Brian hit the ground and died within minutes. The driver is now a felon. Two families in ruins.

Each of us has our own nightmare we are living - some have been here longer. I am a little over 2 years and I must say, I am better than I started out!! I took over a month off of work. Went back part time for over a year. I am now back to full time. I take it one day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time.

I believe your daughter when she says she see's CC!!! Kids are something, they have an innocence we as adults have lost.

I have no words of wisdom, there are no words when we lose our children. Just know, we are here for you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Greg

No matter how many times you post that, I still read it. I guess I realize how far I have come from that first year of unbearable pain.

Indigos - It really does get better with time - Not all the time, but at least I can get up and dressed in the morning now.

Colleen

[mikesmomrs]

Michelle: I am so sorry for the loss of your precious CJ, or "CC" as his sister calls him. As for the idea of her "seeing" him, yes, I do believe it is a plausible thought...our grandson, Jamie, was 8 when our son Mike died at the age of 31. At the funeral home, when everyone was taking their seats, Mike's dad was patting the chair beside him for Jamie to come take his seat there. Jamie walked over to him, but said, "Papa, I can't sit there, Mike is there-." Jamie has always had that "second site" that some children have, even when he was very, very young. As he has grown older, it is apparent less, but I have heard that that is the way it sometimes goes. I don't know if it is true or not, but we have seen so many signs from Mike since he left this plane, that it would be difficult for us to refute that they do "keep in touch." As for Jamie and Mackenzie's "sighting" I would not for a minute doubt it. The grandkids were all playing on the floor one day, about a year or so before Mike became ill (he died of brain cancer, on Oct 14, 2006) and all of sudden, out of the clear blue sky, Jamie looked up and said 'You know, babies can grow up in heaven, if they want to." We asked him how he knew that, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know, I just do." And that was that.

I think it is precious that Mackenzie feels close to her brother, and feels that she can comfort you with her words of compassion. Please know that you are more than welcome to be here...yes, as others have said, we do appear to be a bunch of close friends, but that is because we are, and indeed the circle opens wider for someone new...we open the circle of our arms and welcome you, hold you in comfort, and though some of us have been here longer than others, there is no "time" set aside...anyone who needs to be here is welcome.

sending love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

IS IT JUST ME OR HAVE I AGED 10 YRS SINCE I LOST KOURTNEY??? I LOOK LIKE SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT....I LOOK SAD...FEEL SAD.....

[daveydow1]

Michelle-----I am sorry for your loss of your precious baby, Christopher. As others here have said, this place

is a good site where people really do understand your devastating pain of the loss of your child. I lost my

son David age 31 to a terrible highway wreck 7 yrs. ago. I also had a baby girl, Lisa K., who died suddenly

at the age of 6 mo. (accidental choking/cardiac arrest), years ago. How I wish there had been a place such

as this BI site to go to at the time, but that was before computers became a household fixture. Your little

girl, Mackenzie, is so sweet to comfort you when you are sad, and I do think that children have an edge on

adults when it comes to seeing things and putting their thoughts into words so innocent. Please come back

to BI and read/post as you are able to do so. We, here at BI, only wish to help in whatever small way that

we may be able. Peace & prayers.

Betty----Oh, how very sweet----the little squirrel is a little mother (not a brother ). She has been a busy

little thing.......raising a family. I , too, guess that her injury did nothing to hold her back from what nature

intended for her to do. Four babies! Nature sure does give us so much comfort, and all we have to do, usually,

is just stand back and observe.

Dee-----Wishing you the best with the new school year.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

HUBBY HAS BEEN WORKING REAL HARD GETTING THE NASCAR TRUCK WRAPPED AND #D FOR THE RACE THIS WEEKEND...JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU PART OF IT...ITS #73 RICK CRAWFORD IS DRIVING IT...SO IF U GETTHE CHANCE AND IF THEY DO GOOD WATCH THE RACE...

[daveydow1]

Lorrie----No...I don't think it's just you......I, too, feel like I've aged at least 10 yrs..... I look it...feel it.

This grieving journey is such hard work. By the way-----I think you look great from all the pics

you have posted...but I do know what you mean. The sadness shows. I just renewed my driver's

license the other day....YIKES! There was no escaping the eye of the camera for me. Sorry you

are feeling so down lately. Peace & prayers, friend.

Sherry

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU SO MUCH...THE EYES TELL IT ALL DONT THEY........IM BETTER TODAY....I GUESS JUST GETTING OUT SOMETIMES HELPS..

[ericasmom]

There are days Lorri, that I look much older than I once did, some of it is aging, some of it is advanced aging due to stress. As much as I will sound like a broken record, I will ask you, are you drinking water throughout the day, are you taking walks or getting any aerobic exercise, and are you taking any vitamin supplements? Don't just start taking supplements, talk to your doctor first, but your feeling so blue lately, along with feeling old and feeling as though you look old, well, could mean you are very run-down and need to be looked at. YOu may need to change your diet, your habits, or both. Sometimes in order to begin to feel better, you have to force yourself into some new patterns.

That said, remember that sometimes we simply have to explore the darkest side of our sadness, sometimes we immerse ourselves and stay there for a long while and then we find our way out again. This may be one of those times.

Whatever you do, know that we are holding on to you and I hope that you will begin to feel better each day.

Thanks for the well wishes Guys, the kids were very cute, VERY cute. Imagine Tavian times 17. I only have 17 this year, all the age of Tavian. I have 11 girls of those 17 so you can imagine...

I think that we had a very successful first day. I am however, exhausted and need to lay down. I am sure that i will have some good stories before long.

Michelle, I am so sorry that you lost your Beautiful Son, Christopher. I know your heart must ache for all he fought and for all you prayed. I do believe fully in the idea of your Daughter seeing adn visiting with Christopher. I have always believed in this ability, especially for the young ones as they are less interupted by our filters and take on things, innocent. I do think she is communicating with CC, and that the message from Christopher is clear. He is fine, he is right there. He is part of the family.

So many folks don't understand our loss Michelle, of our adult Kids, so I imagine that many don't understand yours. So many feel that if we lose a baby, because they lived for a shorter amount of time, that our grief is shorter too. Obviously not. Grief for a lost child is daily. Learning to live a good life however, is still a great goal, and one all of our children would hope for us. Prayers for you.

I lost Erica Eileen on July 14, 2003, six days following an Amtrak hitting her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

Carol, love the Jaime story in church. Believe Michelle, let your heart feel his message.

dee

[rlolheiser]

CJ's mom, so sorry you have to be here, but you couldn't find a better group of friends than on this site. They have been a Godsend to me. My heart goes out to you, losing our children is a terrible thing.. it never leaves us. We do find ways to make life go on though, even through times we don't. That is when we come here and everybody holds us up.

I am at a loss tonight. I am really tired out. Between the kids and homework.. and mom not doing so well, I just don't know what to feel anymore.

I heard from my daughter today. She broke my heart, she got out of the hospital, but went home with the boyfriend. She told me it is because she can't leave the baby there, and I told her, i would help her get her baby. I don't know what to think. She has left her daughter here and I hear nothing from her. I don't know what is happening. I don't know if she is ok. I do know that we have started to deal with Social Services, the worker was at the school speaking to my grandaughter. I pray so hard this is over, I don't know how to deal with it.. I just feel like crying.. but I haven't given up.. I am determined to make JaBoa's sister's life a good one.

I am thinking of you all tonight, krichie, westleys mom, carol, susannah.. Bonnie, Betty.. Betsy, Coleen.. Sherry.. Lorri..Greg..Dee..Kathy all of those I miss at this time hoping that life treats you tenderly..

Heading for bed.. goodnight

[Lost without my boy]

Thank you all. I feel like I have been welcomed into an elite club, a club that no one should every be a part of. I pray every day that no one else will have to join us. I appreciate all of the stories you have shared with me and the kind words of comfort. I am sorry for each loss of each of your children and grandchildren.

I love the poem. I hate that I feel each line every day of my life, but I still love it.

Rhonda - your post was perfect. the questions you asked are things I ask myself daily. I too feel myself telling my friends, family and even my husband that I am fine even when I am not, because I don't want to bring them down or have them feel sorry for me.

Carol - I did see one of your last postings about the license plates. I too believe in signs and it helps me believe that our angels are always around us. There are many times when I just feel Christopher's presence. At these times I am able to smile and feel happy.

Sherry - My heart goes out to everyone in the group, but I will say a special prayer for you. I can't imagine having to deal with losing two children. My husband and I would like to have more children, but the fear that something will happen to them or even something will happen to Mackenzie (our 2 1/2 year old) is overwhelming sometimes. God bless you.

Dee - I too am a teacher. I teach high school. My year starts on 9/1. I have enjoyed the summer, but have found it to be very hard having too much time on my hands. The more free time I have the more I seem to think and miss my little man. I truly love to think of him, but when I have too much time, it is hard. Good luck with your new year.

Leah - I am so sorry to hear about your difficulties with your daughter. I hope that start to calm down and gets better for you.

Again, thank you all for welcoming me with such open and healing arms. I will say prayers for each of you to have strength to get through tomorrow little easier than today.

Michelle - Mackenzie & Angel CJ's mom