Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Dee,

You are so smart. We are very good friends with the Advisors at Hamilton. She visited us often. I already talked to Trevor about the lunch program (his Dad will put money in the account) and school supplies (he will ask his Dad for money). I do not mind paying, I just want to respect that relationship above ous with Trevor.

Wierd situation.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

OK LETS TRY THIS ONE....

ERROR THIS UPLOAD FAILED AGAIN

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

You are so smart. We are very good friends with the Advisors at Hamilton. She visited us often. I already talked to Trevor about the lunch program (his Dad will put money in the account) and school supplies (he will ask his Dad for money). I do not mind paying, I just want to respect that relationship above ous with Trevor.

Wierd situation.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen,

Yes, I would run not walk to Social Services. There could be legal implications for you if this child were to do anything and he's living with you.

There would also be a great deal of training and help available to you.

It would make him "legal" in your house and he would have medical, etc .....

But, they will also most likely explore the issues at home and why he was kicked out. If the family has adopted other children and kicked out their biological under age child for no reason, they chance also losing the adopted children.

Sounds like a curious situation you're in .......

Have you tried to talk to the boys parents?

It takes a big heart to open your home to a struggling child. It will have to get even bigger as you deal with the emotions of neglect and abandonment as they manifest and present new challenges. We have to remember that they are children struggling to find their way in a world that hasn't been the kindest place for them. They just want to be accepted, not judged and not put in a mold that they're not comfortable with.

My hat is off to you for opening your home and your heart to this child. He will never forget your kindness and generosity. Bless Aaron's big heart too!

All the best to all of you!

[Eric]

I cannot change my font size, it is driving me crazy

i did a quick test and it would let me use any text size except the largest one, how are you changing your font size, what is it doing?

[hotrod]

i did a quick test and it would let me use any text size except the largest one, how are you changing your font size, what is it doing?

Eric You are so helpful and every suggestion you have given has worked I have a real problem with my gallary It is in the files in the" gallery section " If I click on Bethany's album

Under my posts there is a box to go to gallary When I go to gallery I have my album but no pictures I do not know how to correct.

In adition I found I could not post pictures on with my postings becaue I received a message saying I had exceeded my aloted numbe of pictures on the site. The Board then showed me all the pictures I had posted to the old board fromt he time Ibegan on BI I delete all those pictures and then I could include a picture with my post Could you explain that to Lorri as she cannot post pictures and I know she has posted many on the old site

Thanks

Thanks

[daveydow1]

Colleen----I am hoping that all works out well with having Trevor in your home. It's too bad that his

mother gave up on him. The dad sounds more promising......maybe he needs a little 'push' in

the right direction. It is so good of you to have Trevor in your home, and Dee's suggestions

are on the money.......especially when it comes to health/medical treatment. I wish you luck.

I have tried to change Davey's avatar.........got so far......then don't know how it turned out. .

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

YAY----It worked. I was afraid that it got 'lost' or something...

This is a later photo of David.....taken about a year before his death. The old avatar was the only

one that would upload when I created the first avatar. I wanted to put this one up, but the sizing

was all wrong, or something. Anyhow, I gave up & just uploaded the old one where he was about 22

yrs. old because it uploaded OK. The new one is just a snapshot that I took one time.

( I guess we just have to try things on this new forum, and hope for the best..... there may be hope for me after all )

Sherry

[Eric]

Eric You are so helpful and every suggestion you have given has worked I have a real problem with my gallary It is in the files in the" gallery section " If I click on Bethany's album

Under my posts there is a box to go to gallary When I go to gallery I have my album but no pictures I do not know how to correct.

In adition I found I could not post pictures on with my postings becaue I received a message saying I had exceeded my aloted numbe of pictures on the site. The Board then showed me all the pictures I had posted to the old board fromt he time Ibegan on BI I delete all those pictures and then I could include a picture with my post Could you explain that to Lorri as she cannot post pictures and I know she has posted many on the old site

Thanks

Thanks

Thanks! I will check out why you can't post pictures, that i may have to send to the forum folks because that seems odd. As far as your album, it's there but i moved the pictures. When you go to gallery, if you click on Loss of a Child, your pictures are under an album with the same title as the old one. I started to move the albums around to organize, and i couldn't remove the empty albums when i was done. Sorry about the confusion but i promise it's all there and i'll get back to you when i know about posting pictures in posts.

[lolynbo]

well i read what eric sent me and im still lost...I HAVE NOTHING UNDER "GALLERY"..SOOOOO....

WELL I TRIED ABOUT 15 PICS...ERROR THIS UPLOAD FAILED...I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY GIRL AGAIN:(

[shorty16]

testingtestingtesting

[nicksdad]

My wifes birthday is in a few days and her good friend makes things. There are 2 braids she made for her.

The one has a: Cross, Faith, Joy, Peace and love metal bands, then it also has Nick and our daughter Brittanys pic.

The other has: Love, Faith and peace with Butterflies.

She is very talented, and they are amazing looking.

[heartbeataway]

well i read what eric sent me and im still lost...I HAVE NOTHING UNDER "GALLERY"..SOOOOO....

WELL I TRIED ABOUT 15 PICS...ERROR THIS UPLOAD FAILED...I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY GIRL AGAIN:(

Lori,

I had to delete all of my downloaded pictures to attach this but I think it worked ...... so, here's one of you and your girl! Just click on it.

[heartbeataway]

Dan,

The braids are unique and very cool. What a cool friend to do this for Mary!

Bonnie

[Eric]

well i read what eric sent me and im still lost...I HAVE NOTHING UNDER "GALLERY"..SOOOOO....

WELL I TRIED ABOUT 15 PICS...ERROR THIS UPLOAD FAILED...I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY GIRL AGAIN:(

don't worry, we'll make sure you get to. I'm not sure exactly why it's giving you this error but i'll look into it and get back to you as soon as i can!

[hotrod]

HI Indigos

Dan I agree, your frined has a great deal of talent. The thoughtful gift for your wife is awesome. It is so evident that this person worked on the gift with love, care and compassion. Thanks for posting them Please extend my warmest thought to your wife on the celebration of her birthday. You have beautiful chldren.

Sherry I love the new avatar of Davey. He is so handsome and his eyes twinkle!!!! Glad you could update it. It is so good to see us work our way thru these issue and succeed I really think we are all Latent Computer Nerds.

Lorrie Do not despair Dan or Eric will solve the problem and enable you to post. I could not fix my Gallery but Eric fixed it today There is an answer and they will find it !!

Colleen, How wonderful that you posted your concern for the young man in your home and how helpful Bonnie and Dee were immediately. This is some family!!! I am so glad to be a part of the Indigo Family

Dee and Susannah both getting ready for school!!! WOW!!! it seems as if summer had just started and you were looking forward to summer vacation. As usual the days flew by I do hope you both enjoyed the days.

Be well Indigos

Carol and Ralph You aere both in my thought each day as well as

Leah and Betsy praying for you all each day.

[mysonrich]

Hello everyone. I made it safely to NJ. A few gliches. Truck packer one didn't show. Found truck packer 2. She said they would be at house at 8am. They never showed. Called the packing company and raised hell. Got fed up and called a guy, "Dan with a pick-up". He and his wife showed up 20 mintutes later. Thank you God ! I will write formal letters later to e-pack about the first 2.

Went to a diner this morning for breakfast. My compnay started laughing at me and looking at me a little /rolling eyes, when I told them how much it meant to be at a home diner. Betty, I'm sure you understand that!

A little tired still. Ac hy muscles/bones but otherwise feeling ok.

I'll catch up with posts later.

Matthew, Matthew,Matthew....thinking of you today and your Mom. Hope she is well and that memories of you warm her heart.Betsy,mysonRich

[mikesmomrs]

Well, I am finally back! I couldn't post all day yesterday and couldn't figure out why...I emailed Kelly and she and Eric went to work to figure it out and, even better, to fix it! (and this was on a weekend!) Thank you so much, guys, you are so awesome! I hope Kelly doesn't mind my quoting her from her email to me in response to my plea for help..."Switching over the message board has caused me to eat alot of chocolate. I have been SO WORRIED about the people on the loss of a child[ren] board." Just an example about how she takes care of us...thank you again, Kelly, and you too, Eric...you've both been going over and above with this switch over

I know we will all get all of this straightened out and learn all kinds of new things...like Betty says, we really are secret computer nerds! I love the new site, and know that everything will eventually smooth out. A really good feature I've noticed is that when someone posts a picture, you can click on it and make it bigger...as Davis would say "Niiiiiicccceeee!!!"

Betty: It sounds like you are way ahead of all of us...you can step in and give Eric a break! lol!

Trudi: I love the post about Zak...as Dee said, the children speak so innocently and so clearly from their heart. It is hard to believe that you are having a cold, dreary winter day...it was 90 this afternoon here, though it has cooled down considerably recently, to the 70's...looks like some rain coming in. We were watching the ballgame earlier, and they are playing in Texas today...they showed the thermometer...it was 120 degrees in the sun...air temp was 104! (The Sox lost...guess they can't stand that Texas heat!) I remember when we lived there, it was HOT, HOT, HOT in the summertime---guess it hasn't changed. BTW, I got you new pm! YAY!

Colleen: I wish you luck with your new houseguest..he is lucky to have you all as friends. As Bonnie said, though, I think I would have to cover myself by making sure all was okay with the legal side. I am glad you are friends with Advisor from school...she should be able to help you out with some of that.

Sus: I am so glad that Jonathan felt comfortable enough with you that he was able to ask you if you knew that you had a black grandson...he probably had some worry about it lurking in his heart, and now he knows that his grandma is wrapping her heart around him, no matter what...he will sleep better, comforted in the knowledge. We just don't know what troubles them, do we...

Sherry: I LOVE the new avatar of your sweetie, David...see you could do it! So glad!

Rhonda: your cherry sherbet sounds yummy---after what we've been eating here (NO treats worth talking about!), I could likely eat a gallon!

Dee: I listened to Temper Trap (another great feature of this site...) and like it very much. I don't listen to a lot of music, and never listen in the car...don't know why...just never developed the habit. I used to when I was younger. When Damon is in the car, I have to play this CD called "Cello Submarine" which is some of the Beatles tunes played by Cello...he loves it and asks for it every time we are in the car...it starts off with his favorite, "Yellow Submarine"...also his dad's favorite!

Betsy: Hope things are going smoothly for you and you are finding some peaceful moments to take care of YOU during this move.

Lorri: I love the picture that Bonnie posted of you and Kourt...you will eventually get this all fixed...we will see more great pics!

Leah: Hope all is going all right for you and your daughter and her kids...stay safe! We are thinking of you.

Dan: Love the "braids"...what a thoughtful thing for your wife's friend to do...thanks for sharing.

Ralph seems to be doing really well...still weak somewhat, but I think the kidney may have kicked in to working...we will know more when we get the lab results. Cathi is doing okay, but she is trying to do too much and it is like holding back a baby juiced up on candy and soda pop! She can't seem to get the idea of "doing NOTHING" and hold onto it...she is supposed to go back to work a week from Monday.

Got to go to the store before the skies open on us...need some more low potassium, low sodium, low fat, low protein food to play with to see how I can get some flavor into it...I did really good the other night---I made some oven baked chicken strips by mixing a piece of well-toasted whole wheat bread with some flour and seasonings and drizzled just a tad of olive oil over them and baked them. Ralph can only have a 2 ounce serving, but it was full of flavor (I think it was the wheat bread) and he was fine with just that little bit of it. Everything I serve him has to be in 1/2 or 1/4 cup portions...I have some small dishes that I usually use when I am baking, etc., and I use them so it doesn't look lost on a big plate!

sending love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Betsy...didn't see your post til after I hit send...so glad to hear that you got someone to move you at the last minute...thank you, God, for helping Betsy and getting her to her destination safely. Rich was with you, for sure. Rest, now, and take care of yourself. We are with you.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Betsy I am so glad you finally found someone to help you move. How very frustrating that the packing company failed you not once, but twice!

Sherry I love the new avatar of Stephen!

[heartbeataway]

well i read what eric sent me and im still lost...I HAVE NOTHING UNDER "GALLERY"..SOOOOO....

WELL I TRIED ABOUT 15 PICS...ERROR THIS UPLOAD FAILED...I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY GIRL AGAIN:(

CLICK ON THE IMAGES .....

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigos - I still trying to get used to this new site but with time it will all work out. Need to figure out how to post a pic here like we did on old one...like Dan did with the beautiful braids - I love them, I think I can make them so am going to give it a try. Thanks Dan for showing them, they are magical.

We went to the Firemen's picnic yesterday from 3:00 to 10:00 so was too tired to post. Tavian had a wonderful time with all the kids there. He won second place again this year for the hoola-hoop contest - he was up against a 16 year old girl, his new babysitter !! Her name is Kourtney and we just adore her. What a nice picnic...

Today was a stay at home and hang day, fire pit burning, lazy and quiet except for Tavian - Barry finished his go-cart so he was driving up and down the drive way which is long and ends at a culdasac, I was nervous he would crash, "no fear" but Barry said he was fine so I just kept quiet and silently worried !! Right now my guys are watching a movie and all is well...

Tavian goes to the YMCA camp and it is wonderful. He loves it and the counsellors are great with him. The older ones are aware of his "situation" so they keep an eye on his moods and they have been able to read him pretty good so far. Each week they have a different theme....last week was pirate week, this week circus week and the last week will be water week. We plan on going camping so he might miss a few days but no big deal....he loves camping and before we know it fall will arrive and the camper will be closed for another season....

I have not been able to read all the posts so am going to start from here...I have read them and as always I think of each of you...my family.

Talked to my mom tonight and she sounded good...she was happy to hear from me. I told her how sorry I was that I have not called sooner but the truth was I was afraid to call her, afriad she would not sound like my mom - that's crazy I know but true. So when I heard her voice, the same voice I have always heard my heart was filled with joy.

I am going to try to download a few pics and see what happens...wish me luck. Love, Peace amd Strength, Kathy

[lolynbo]

THANKS BONNIE...I PANICED WHEN U SAID U HAD TO DELTE...THEN READD...OH MY....CANT TAKE A CHANCE DOING THAT...ERIC IS TRYING IM SURE ITS ME...IM BRAIN DEAD..

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I am so happy that it worked for you, and your sweet Boy looks so Dear. Hooray for learning new tricks. How is the garden? Ours is definitely looking raggedy, but the tomatoes have been lucious, not the prettiest, but really good. I made a tomato, mozzarella and fresh basil salad tonight. Delicious with a bit of olive oil drizzled atop and salt and pepper. Love the summer vegetables.

Col, any luck yet? Lorri, your Baby-Girl will eventually shine out at us in all her Beauty. Hang on adn do not give up.

Love to you,

dee

[daveydow1]

Dan---Love the braids that Mary's friend made for her. They're so nice.

Eric, Kelly, Dan, and all others who offered help on this new site......THANKS SO MUCH !

Betty---thanks for the kind words about Davey's new avatar. I was 'shocked' to find

that it actually posted. As you said........we will all learn the ins & outs of this

new forum in due time.

Carol----Oh, your chicken strips that you made for Ralph sounds just delicious. I'm

so glad that he is coming along in his recuperation, and I'm sure that being home

from the hospital with you & the family helps so much. Thanks for kind words on

Dave's avatar.

Susannah-----Also, thanks to you too. You said you like the new avatar of 'Stephen'.........That's

OK.....Sus......Davey's middle name was Stephen......spelled just as you spelled it

Kathy---So nice that Tav is going to YMCA camp, and that he is enjoying it. Bless his heart.

How is your son doing?

( I love these new colors ! )

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Wonderful braids Dan, so cool. Thanks for sharing.

Bonnie, how cool of you to have posted a photo for Lorri to see. Nice people here, through and through.

Carol, my goodness the cooking challenges you are facing, but I know you face them with the love of a thousand women, that nurturing spirit of yours. Glad you like the Temper Trap, that song just fills me, flies me.

Betsy, what a drag that the packers did not show, but how lovely that your friend Dan and his wife did. Again, may this move prove to be a lovely start to a new chapter.

Betty, it does seem like I went out one morning after school let out and now, I am going back to school. The summer flew past, hard to believe. I am getting ready for the school year with ideas and putting the classroom back together which is huge. John helps (husband) and so here we go again.

Love to All,

dee

[daveydow1]

Dee----Our garden is beginning to look like that too.........getting to the end of its days, I guess. We pulled up

2 bags of onions to dry and store. We gave one to Becky. Your salad sounds very good. We, too, have

basil.....probably enough to feed everyone in the county.....it is pretty potent. Our tomatoes are also

not the best looking ones, but tasty just the same. I will be canning soon. Our giant sunflowers have

heads that are so heavy with seeds that they are now turning downward. My husband plants them for

the birds to eat during bad weather. Grapes are coming on.....(concord). May try my hand at some

juice or jelly.....never made that before....but with my trusty canning book, I can make a stab at it.

Thanks for saying you like Dave's new avatar. It is representative of how he looked before he passed.

Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Sherry I'm a little fused tonight. (fused is how one of my granddaughters used to say confused). I even signed my old last name when paying a bill tonight. Sorry to drag you and Davey into my "fused state". Bless your heart for just flowing with it! Thanks for your grace!! I put up 80 quarts of tomatoes when I was pregnant with one of the kids. I can't remember which one, now.....hell, right now I can hardly remember their names..........anyway, I got so sick from the smell of those tomatoes that I vowed I would never can another one as long as I lived...I still can't eat stewed tomatoes. Gosh. I haven't canned in years. I think I'll extend the vow to not can anything again! I just noticed how I use the words hell and gosh interchangeably. My grasp of the english language just amazes me!

On that note, I'll bid you all goodnight.

[josephsmom90]

Hey everyone,

Some good news, Michael is at his dads back in Wyoming, the trip went well and he didn't take any pain meds today. He needs to NOT take them, I worry about that stuff. Anyway, Daniel got out of jail today, and has his job to go to so that is a HUGE blessing!!! I am so glad, now lets hope he STOPS the party KRAP!!! And does not get in trouble like that anymore. Learn boy learn. I don't know how he got out of jail, Michael says it wasn't his dad, but I wonder.. Seems funny the day he gets home, Daniel gets out, and the how he got out is a mystery with Michael. I am just MISSING THEM ALL REAL HARD!

Elaine

[ericasmom]

Well Elaine, I am so glad that Michael is back west with Dad, and that his foot is healing. It does sound suspiciously like 'dad' to get Daniel out of jail, but I didn't know he was in jail. Was it a party situation? Well I do hope that your hopes are answered by his staying out of trouble. Until kids are older, they don't see what they do as dangerous or troublesome to others.I hope that you can rest easier tonight.

Kath, glad that you made that call and spoke to your Mom. I bet your voice sounded as good to her as hers did to you. It is scary to think of our parents or anyone we love so much, to be different than they once were. How is your Dad getting on with the idea of Mom needing help? I am glad that Tav is enjoying camp, sounds like some good people there. When does school start for him? We start officially on the 23rd of this month.

ARGHHHHH!

SHerry, it is nice to show different photos of our Kids. I like the dreadlock photo of ERi because it is a representation of how she looked at the time of her death as well.

The violence in Chicago has been daily, and I cried and cried whenever I watched the news this weekend. I so wish that we could help change this vilolence-gang on gang, shooting without regard to those jumping rope on the sidewalks...

My prayer: Lay down the damn guns, find your words and use them, be braver than one with a gun or a knife, use your words, use your mind.

Blessings

dee

[ericasmom]

You have maybe heard this song, seen this video, but it is worth seeing again. I want the third graders to sing this at the holiday sing. Addressing that war cannot insist on peace...and if we live this mindset, then children will be able to play...to be kids, to be outside in their communities. Prayers.

[rlolheiser]

It will never end. :-( My girl tried to kill herself yesterday. The world isn't a good place.. she wants to be with JaBoa. I got her to the ER in time.. they put her in the psychiatric care. The boyfriend took the baby from me and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I still have the older child. I am so frightened. I feel like the cause of this .. I feel the emotions so hard on me.. the guilt of JaBoa's accident.. the guilt of making my daughter choose between the kids and the boyfriend. I don't know what to think anymore.. she is my baby..and I am so afraid..

I know I am in for a fight, I told the entire hospital staff what was going on. I plan to call the sherriff and child services today. I need to stay a step ahead of her boyfriend.. I need to try to keep my grands safe.. and my own family cause I am sure there will be some reprocussion to the boyfriend.. and I am sure he will try to get back at me...

I will try to get back in from time to time.. I need you all to keep up your prayers. sorry for being so needy... I just don't think JaBoa wants her mommy with her this bad.. not this way.. I need my daughter here.. she is my baby

thank you for listening and caring

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[hotrod]

: Good Morning Indigos

Leah I am oh so very sorry about the new sadness and crisis that you are now facing. Getting your daughter to the ER was wonderful and the right move. She is in a safe place and will receive the care she needs. She is confused and sad with the loss of her Jaboa and the pain of her relationship. The cousel at the hospital will help. Please stop blaming yourself You are not responsible for the loss of Joboa or the sadness of your child. Please try to rest, eat and come here often. YOu are in my thoughts

Dee I agree with you about the violence and pain that are all around us. In my "If Only" world, everyone would truly appreciate each and every day they spend on this earth with the people they love and never waste a moment fighting or angry.

Betsy Oh I am so sorry about the move but I see that you came thru as usual. HOw felxible and wise of you to be able to readjust and solve the moving problem I agree eating breakfast, in a diner is one of my favorite Sat and Sun morning evernts. Please get some rest.

Sherry I too love the colors and love to hear you an Dee discuss your gardens and the sound of the critters evey evening Wow Basil, Tomatoes, Onions and Sunflowers for the birds It sounds like an wonderful place. I have a cactus plant that I care for. That is it!!

Carol What a considerate person you are. Searching for a way to make a hard diet tasty How wonderful you are. Hope You and Ralph and everyone is doing well and that recovery, although slow is steady

I agree the help Eric and Kelly have provided is smazing so glad that we are all getting connected again.

Susannah,Elaine, Kathy, So glad to hear what is going on in your world.

Susannah I too get "fused" (love it )and I too get to do Damen's "rememory" at times

Lorrie I know Eric will help with the picture posting. I am now able to post pictures and fix my gallery

Be well, stay safe, Have a peaceful day everyone

I changed the colors on my message and not sure if it will work

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

Yesterday was a beautiful day. If I could bottle and sell that day's weather, well we would ALL be in the Bahama's.

I am going to call the school and talk to the councelor. I do not know when the counselors will be at the school. I will give them 1 more week.

JaBoa's Mom - I am sending prayers your way. Get the police involved, social services, anyone. Make them aware of this man's capabilities.

Bonnie-Dee, thank you so much for helping. I just cannot throw this kid in the street. He is really a nice and happy kid - always laughing - I love that. The HS has been very good to us as far as resources. They will help us and they also know both us and Trevor.

Michelle is still looking for a car. We have narrowed the search and may get her into payments this week.

We bought AJ a new bed. He finally agreed to put Brian's matress to rest (which was used when we got it). It took AJ two years to let go of that. He was so sound-to-sleep when I left for work this morning.

Take care my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Leah, you didn't make this happen, your girl probably found that while in a safe spot with you she wanted to leave while her children were with you, not him. NOt that that is rational, but she was not in a rational state. YOu need to remember that you did not cause these events, you don't make others do what they do...you hang on to the goodness that is you.

We are rooting for you Leah, all the time. Please be careful Sweet Woman.

[Guest msnher]

Dearest Leah, I have been where you are. It is a dark place. A scary place. It isn't the place of losing a child and not being able to do anything about it; it is the place of trying to save a child who is still here. Trying to save her children. It is a place of watching evil and hell unfold and the feeling of complete powerlessness, helplessness and hope. It is the epitome' of panic....fear at its darkest hour.

That place. The place where you are. The place where I've been.......was worse than Stephanie's death. Not more painful...nothing could be more painful than that.....but, it was worse. Worse because there were innocent children being hurt and my daughter was being destroyed.

I spent three solid months not sleeping, not eating....just smoking....begging God. That was when the nightmares began.......the children were always just within my reach and snatched from me. Sometimes I had to willingly let them go....the look of betrayal on their faces, in my dream, was haunting.

In the end, all my worst fears would be proven true.

And, what did I learn from this whole experience? God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform. The wisdom of man is foolishness unto God. Sometimes the righteous must suffer so the wicked can be judged.

It was at the three month mark after "he" took my grandchildren and my daughter was busy killing herself (but, not dying)

As I sat there, sobbing, in fear for my daughter and her children, and yelling (whisper yelling) but screaming in my mind, at a God whom would allow such horrible things to happen to such innocent children...all over the world...what kind of God does that?

As I sat there....2am....outside....in the dark and the cold.....I saw it....outside of myself. It wasn't a vision. It was real. A white light. It came closer quickly, but in slow motion as well. As it approached my body, it grew in size until it engulfed my entire being. Pure love. Pure security. I was embraced by the power, grace and love of the almighty.

A feeling of "okayness" filled my entire being and psychy. "Peace, be still." "Be still, and know that I am God."

Now....after we were reunited with my grandchildren and I found out how abused they were....I had some choice words about everything NOT being okay...........after their mother, my Stephanie got clean and sober and then died after being reunited with them for six weeks...I had a lot of choice words for him...........

And, the answer was still the same......"Trust me".

I hope sharing my experience does not seem in bad taste right now. I share it in an effort to let you know I've been there, and we don't walk alone and there is a higher reason. Trusting does not mean NOT doing anything.....It doesn't remove the sadness...it is bittersweet.....it just helps remove some of the panic.

You and your daughter and her children are in my prayers, Friend!! In the meantime, please keep coming here and sharing. It's as important to share this load as it is the load of loss and grief. Maybe even more so......maybe.

Love to you!

Susannah

[westleysmom]

Dee-Your salad does sound wonderful. I don't do a garden, (a) I have a black thumb and (b)I have too many deer and rabbits in the yard. But Daddy used to raise one, and I miss it. They live closer to town so less animals and he had a green thumb. He could grow anything. I miss him too.

Betsy-I hate moving too. Sorry your's didn't go as smoothly as it should. But I'm glad you're getting to at least enjoy a good breakfast! You'll be settled in soon and it will hopefully be a long time before you have to do THAT again.

Leah-I'm so sorry that things are not going well (understatement, I'm sure.) You are in my thoughts as you go through this terrible ordeal.

Colleen-I wish you could bottle your weather too. Still hot as the dickens here. Good luck with the car shopping and the extra teenager.

Carol-You sound like a genius with the low-fat, low-sugar, low-everything diet. I'm not doing too good on the Weight Watcher thing, maybe you have some tips? I'm glad to hear Cathi is doing better.

Elaine-I hope that Daniel did learn a little bit of a lesson from his stay in jail. Westley spent one night in jail, that was in 2008. When he called that morning, we ran, not walked to the jail to post his bail. But we told him then that if it ever happened again, not to call. I'm sure he would have if it had happened, and I probably would have run to his aid again. But it never did. He was on probation for a year, but he had gotten off probation and not gotten into any more trouble. Its one of the things I don't know if I did right,. Just one.

Kathy-I'm glad you got to talk to your Mom and she sounded like herself. I hope she and your Dad will adjust to all of the changes in their lives.

Susannah-I just read a book Elaine recommended called When God Doesn't Make Sense. I am still searching for some answers, some peace of mind and not really finding it. Somebody said a few days ago that they felt "flat and emotional". Here lately, I've felt "flat and unemotional". I still cry a lot at times, but in between, I feel empty and dead inside. I'm just weary and am trying not to think about it constantly, because its draining me. I am still functioning, but I feel like what I think a functioning alcholic must feel like. Like I have a secret and to look at me, you would never know I was dead inside. Because I make ice cream and brownies for the church social and I go to work and out to eat. But its all just so I can get back home and go to bed and sleep as if I were dead, the mindless, dreamless sleep that lets me forget for a little while that he's gone and I failed.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[lolynbo]

SAD STORY HERE TODAY..2 OF EM....

MONTY AND I GO TO WATER AT CEMETERY LIKE WE DO EVERY OTHER NIGHT...AND I HAVE NOTICED A LIL BOYS GRAVE THERE, ON ANOTHER ROAD BUT NEVER SAW HIM IN THE PAPER...SO I SEE SOMEONE VISITING SO I START TO WALK THAT WAY ALL ALONG DECIDEN IF I SHOULD STOP AND TALK....I FIGURE GOD WOULD LET ME NO.....SO I STOP AND SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR BUT I RELIZE IV NEVER MET HER JUST SEEMS SO EASY TO NO AND LIKE RIGHT OFF THE BAT....I SAID "IS THIS YOUR SON"....SHE SAYS "YES", AND START WITH HER STORY........TRAVIS (I THINK IS HIS NAME I DIDNT WANNA ASK 2 TIMES)...DIED 11 YRS AGO AT THE AGE OF 8...AND I DECIDED TO MOVE BACK TO OKLAHOMA FROM CHICAGO/ILL...AND I WASNT LEAVING WITH OUT HIM, SO I BROUGHT HIM WITH ME.." I SAID "I DONT BLAME YOU, I COULD NEVER LEAVE KOURTNEY EITHER, "....SHE ASKED HOW KOURTNEY DIED AND I TOLD HER AND WE CRIED...SHE SAID THE REASON SHE CHOSE THIS AREA WAS CUZ OF ALL THE YOUNG PPL AND HOW PRETTY WE ALL KEPT IT..

SHE THEN WENT ON TO TELLME THAT TRAVIS WAS 8 YRS OLD AND HAD JUST COMPETED IN A ROLLERBLADING COMP THAT MORN AND DONE VERY WELL...AND THEN THEY CAME HOME TO EAT DINNER AND HAD MOM , DAD, SISTER AND A NEIGHBOR THERE AND AFTER DINNER TRAVIS DECIDED TO GO EITHER ROLLAR BLADEN OR SKATEBOARDING AND SISTER WENT TO...TRAVIS ASKED CLD HE GO AROUND THE BLOCK...MOM SAID NO THEN SHE SAID YES...(DAD LETS HIM SO WHY NOT)....SHE SAID SHE CLD SEE THEM COME DOWN THE HILL FROM THE KITCHEN WINDOW..AND SHE SAID "I GUESS I WILL GET DESSERT READY HERE THEY COME"...THEN SHE SAID SHE HEARD A BLOOOOOD CURTELING SCREAM.....AND WHEN THEY REAN OUT THERE TRAVIS WAS LAYIN BY THE CURB....

A 16YR OLD BOY WAS ON HIS PHONE AND SAW SISTER SO HE SWEARED AND HIT BROTHER AND THEN TRAVIS WENT UNDER THE CAR....HE DIED IN THE AMUBULANCE....SHE SAID HE CAME TO HER ONE TIME ABOUT 4DAYS LATER AND SAID..

"I WOULDNT HAVE BEEN RIGHT MOMMA I HAD TO GO"....

WE CRIED AND HUGGED...AND SHE WANTS TO VOLUNTER AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET...I THINK I HAVE A NEW FRIEND....WHO HAS BEEN DOING THIS FOR 11 YRS AND STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY....HER NAME IS MARY

2ND STORY...

SOMEONE KOURTNEY AND I HAD BECAME FRIENDS WITH, BUT I HAVENT SEEN HER SINCE KOURTNEY DIED...SHE PASSED AWAY YEST AT THE AGE OF 33 FROM BREAST CANCER...LEAVING 3 LIL KIDS

[lolynbo]

It will never end. :-( My girl tried to kill herself yesterday. The world isn't a good place.. she wants to be with JaBoa. I got her to the ER in time.. they put her in the psychiatric care. The boyfriend took the baby from me and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I still have the older child. I am so frightened. I feel like the cause of this .. I feel the emotions so hard on me.. the guilt of JaBoa's accident.. the guilt of making my daughter choose between the kids and the boyfriend. I don't know what to think anymore.. she is my baby..and I am so afraid..

I know I am in for a fight, I told the entire hospital staff what was going on. I plan to call the sherriff and child services today. I need to stay a step ahead of her boyfriend.. I need to try to keep my grands safe.. and my own family cause I am sure there will be some reprocussion to the boyfriend.. and I am sure he will try to get back at me...

I will try to get back in from time to time.. I need you all to keep up your prayers. sorry for being so needy... I just don't think JaBoa wants her mommy with her this bad.. not this way.. I need my daughter here.. she is my baby

thank you for listening and caring

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

LEAH IM SO SORRY...WHAT A ADDED WORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY...IM PRAYING FOR YOU...HANG IN THERE

[shorty16]

Lorri,

The story of the 8 year old boy brings shivers. My Brian used to skate board down our hill. Then they got into laying on their bellies and going down the street.

I talked until I was blue in the face. I think Brian was destine to be a risk taker. 11 years ago for that 8 year old - it really does not end - does it?

Aaron is not coordinated enough for that. He knows it. Brian thought he could do anything -

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda I'm sorry I don't remember the exact date that Westley died, but if memory serves me right it wasn't that long ago. For reasons I don't understand, part of the process of grief seems to be trying to figure it out. I don't know, but I THINK it's a natural, albeit torturous, part of this journey. Sometimes, as in my case, we are even given the answers, but they bring little comfort. Anyway, that was true for me. For more reasons I don't understand, I have been blessed with many "spiritual experiences" (either their true or I'm a kook - I'm okay with either label ) but even those experiences, both before and after Stephanie died, brought little comfort. I've even received messages for others on this site from their children, and that didn't relieve my sadness. I'm one of those people who receives a miracle and then complains because it's not the RIGHT miracle. The only thing that would have brought me comfort during those early months would have been to have my daughter back in my arms. It was irrational, but grief is irrational.

I hesitate in speaking on spiritual matters so openly, but spiritual matters is all there is. It's ALL spiritual. Kind of middle eastern type beliefs mixed with a love for Jesus Christ and topped with Native American spirituality.

If the story in the bible of Lazarus being raised from the dead is true or not, it is an excellent example of grief. Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead, yet, he still wept. Even if he hadn't raised him from the dead, supposedly he had all the knowledge of spiritual matters (I believe he did) and he still would have wept...an example, perhaps. All religions are full of such examples of mourning.

Personally, I found comfort in The Tao, by Lao Tzu; although it was difficult for me to understand. There are many great teachers of the Tao. Because I was raised with the bible, however, it is easier for me to relate to. There are two separate stories - one in the old testament and one in the new - where all the male children ages 2 and younger were slaughtered. Both stories had good reasons, apparently. One for Moses and the other for Jesus.....in both stories the bible says "the mothers would not be comforted." I've often wondered if it would have been easier for those mothers had they known why their children were killed. Today, I have no doubt that it wouldn't have mattered. The other story that I find strength in is the story of the mother of Jesus. I have no doubt she knew exactly whom her son was and what was going to happen to him. I have no doubt regarding her faith. She may have even known her son would be raised from the dead.....I don't think knowing any of that made it one bit easier for her. Maybe her journey became a bit easier after she saw him....who knows? She's just known for delivering a message of love and forgiveness.

Okay. I'm getting on my own nerves.

The point is...you are in a difficult place, but you are in a place impossible to escape. The only way through is...well, through. It sucks! Please hang in there! Keep searching....keep asking...keep talking.....We have to sort this out in our own ways....our own time.

There is no time limit.....there are no rights or wrongs.....

This is a pain that will soften, but will never go away....

We will either be made stronger by it or we will be destroyed by it........

Grief demands our respect. It is powerful.

Be patient with yourself.

And, in the meantime, I send you hugs.....kleanex.....a punching bag.....and, chocolate.

[westleysmom]

Susannah-It seems that its one step forward and five steps back. Or something like that. I think I need the book "When Abso-freaking-lutely Nothing Makes Sense and There's Not A Thing You Can Do About It", but I haven't seen that one out in the bookstores. But you're right, I've been trying to answer the question "Why?" ever since it happened on January 13. I do not think that if I knew the answer it would make me feel better, but still I have to ask it, and keep asking it over and over. Its like a dog with a chewy toy, I can put it down, but damn if I don't pick it right back up again. I have always been a classic type A personality, I work hard on whatever it is I want to accomplish and get it done. I don't want this to beat me, but sometimes I just want to give up and stay in bed all day. That's just not something I've ever been really good at and I'm scared to do it now, because when I'm alone these days, its not pretty or restful or anything pleasant. Maybe I'm just putting off the inevitable meltdown. I usually have at least a mini-meltdown every day. My friend told me she bought grilled-cheese flavor crackers this weekend for her guys, when she saw them in the store, she remembered they were always Westley's favorite. They really liked them and she said she sat at her kitchen table and cried. I know I'm not the only one that misses him, but I'm the only one who was his Mama. But I know what she means, because I miss all of your kids, and I never knew them. I see their pictures and I hear their stories, and I think what a bunch of great kids, even if sometimes they got in trouble, hell, so did Westley, and look how cool of a kid he was to have around. And I try to make sense of it all and I can't. My mind is mush, I need that jar that Trudi keeps hers in so I can take it out and let it rest. Thanks for the message though. I hope the chocolate is dark.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[shorty16]

Rhonda,

It has been over 2 years for me and I still ask WHY? Why did Brian get on the hood of that car? Why did Mike drive 68mph. How could 2 teenages walk away with not even scratches, but Brian died within minutes. Why is the accident scene 1/4 mile from our house, so we have to see it all the time.

I could go on and on, but that will not help.

We will keep asking ourselves these questions, probably until the last breath we take. For me, it will be the second last breath I take, the last breath I take will be calling Brian from heaven to come get me.

Colleen

[daniellemom]

Hello all, it's been a couple of days. We were scheduled to go the beach but we didn't go because my Dad's uncle got very sick and passed away so we stayed here to go to the visitation. My Dad sat with his Aunt while she watched her husband die. They lost a child 50 years ago and my Aunt said he's going to play with Keith now, he will be happy. I thought that was so sweet, sad but sweet. I will try to catch up on my reading tonight.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[jefferysmommy]

Hi Indigos,

Been a while since I have been here, took me all morning to catch up! I had a lot of reading to do, so forgive me if I missed anyone.

Rhonda: I feel for you, big hugs! No matter what trouble our children get in to, they are our children, Jeffery didn't cause too much trouble, as he was only a couple of months old, how much trouble could he be, but he did have his nights and days mixed up, so he didn't usually get the best of me when he was bright eyed and bushy tailed, but I would give the world to hear him scream at 3:00am again!

Susannah: I love your posts, and I again, out of the mouths of babes, your grandson asking if you know your grandson is black, you never really know what's on their minds do you, so glad that you are there to reassure and love him.

Kathy: Glad that you spoke with your mom and that she sounds the same, how is your dad doing?

Carol: You are such a sweet lady, get some rest, I know the feeling of being tired, nap when you can, and keep the good work with your menu planning.

Lorri: Sorry to hear the sad news, but glad that you have made a new friend, someone who indeed understands. To tell you the truth if I were to move, Jeffery would be coming with me too, I couldn't leave him.

Leah: You are in my thoughts, I am so sorry, I don't know what to say, but that I am thinking about you, stay safe and know that you are doing the right thing.

Eileen: Big virtual hug headed for you, Michael will be home before you know it.

Marcia, Greg, Betty, and Trudi, I apolgize if I got any names wrong, I love the pics in the photo gallery and Sherry, I love the new avator of David.

Dee: Love the music, I am too one of those that listens to everything, I love country music, but grew up on heavy metal and rock, love classic rock, and alternative, plus my 16 year old is always playing music, most of which I love...

I have changed my avatar, hopefully it worked, and also, I added a signature, I hope that worked too!

[ericasmom]

Sherry, love that you have grapes, YUM! Do you get a zillion bees then? Our sunflowers are certainly food for the finch, who sit atop the heads and skim their beaks back and forth gathering the seed. Love to watch. Jenn, love the new avatar, and glad to see you today. I love alternative music too, but not country, just cannot get into it except maybe for an occasional Johnny Cash. Glad that you liked the music.

Sonya, sorry for the loss, but I do love what your relative said about seeing her child again. I do believe that this is true. When Michael lay dying, his sister Carol and I opened the curtains on a black-sky day, cold adn rainy, and promised him that when he was going to die, Eri would be there to help him and he said he hoped I was right. He was frightened. We pushed his bed to the window that last day, knowing. And sure as I am sitting here with all of you, that rain stopped at around5:00 pm, and a hint of blue came to the sky, and then beams of sunlight blew through the sky adn the sky turned an absolute pink, we all cried out ERI, and Michael died. She came for her Daddy.

Leah, I sure hope that somehow you are fine adn your Girl is getting the needed support. Hang on Leah.

Oh Lorri, how sad about Trevor, but how cool that you listened to your gut and went to the woman. A new friend in all of this is really like gold. Blessings.

Well was at school all day working and will get up early to start my school time hours tomorrow, and work there again all day. Wish me luck. The organized teachers, (80%) are all done, it is the 20% still laboring over the classroom re-assembly. Oh well, some things are not going to change and I am not worried about that.

Love to all,

dee

[ericasmom]

http://www.canningacrossamerica.com/

For those of you who can foods from your garden.

[summergirl]

Dearest Leah - I am so very sorry about your girl, please do not blame yourself, we all know that "GUILT" is something we have experienced way to much. Your "making" her choose between boyfriend and children was the right thing to do for the sake of her and the children so remember you are only trying to do what is best for all. Calling the Protective Child Services is also the right thing to do....it is the children who matter. You got your daughter to ER in time which means that it is NOT her time to go, she has more life to live and we the right care she will find her way. Please know that we are all here for you and the prayers are many.

Lorri - what a beautiful story, I am so glad that you decided to take the walk and talk to Mary....what a tragedy about her little boy. I hope that she comes to work at Kourtney's Kloset.....a friend you have made indeed. I am sorry about your friend, way to young to leave this earth and my heart goes out to those innocent children.

Yes, it was very good to talk to my mom and she was very happy to hear from me....I told her I will call every other night now - I could hear how happy she was about that. My dad is coming along, he admits now that she is worse then he thought and is learning to work with the doctors and do what is best for her...I was afraid he would not come around but he loves her and after this many years together how could he not want what is best for her...just takes some people a little longer than others.... Thanks for asking.

I got a call from the camp today...not good....according to a mother of a child who goes there Tavian has been picking on her son and he comes home upset...really would not tell me exactly what he is doing but was told that his behavior is not tolerated at the camp and if it continues Tavian will not be allowed back !! I must say I was a bit stunned as I have never had a complaint about Tavian before....So I talked to him and he told me that there was a boy that he was not nice to sometimes...I asked him why and he said "because I get mad", so I had a long talk with him about "being a bully", not to harsh but enough to let him know that his behavior is unexceptable and if it happens again then he cannot go to camp any more and I will lock his go-cart up for one month. I then asked him if he thought he should write a note to the boy saying he was sorry and he said "no, I will talk to Kathy (woman who called me) and tell her I am sorry and I won't do it anymore." I think I need to get Tavian back into therapy to try to figure out this anger issue he is having. Would love your input !!!

Question - each time I come here I have to go to the internet and put in the whole address for Beyond Indigo....is that what you do?? I used to just go to my e-mail and it would say "new reply from Beyon Indigo" - now I get nothing. HELP ME PLEASE....

Time to get Tavian off to bed so I will talk tomorrow...still trying to catch up on all postings...LOVE, PEACE AND STRENGTH MY FRIENDS...KATHY

[lolynbo]

KATHY, MY IMPUT FOR TAVIAN IS THAT LADIES BULLYN HIM AND MAKIN IT UP...SERIOUSLY...MAYBE THE LIL BOY SAID SOMETHING THAT JUST MADE TAVIAN SAD/ NOT MAD..AND HE GETS THEM MIXED UP..POOR TAVIAN...HE HAS ALOT ON HIS LIL SHOULDERS..I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS ABOUT HIS AGE AND I RELIZED KIDS TALKED ABOUT ME CUZ MY DAD HAD DIED "SHE HAS NO DADDY"...IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG..AND MADE ME MAD...ITS HARD...

[shorty16]

Kathy, - I really love Jessica's avatar. My Mom and Dad had a silouette done also - really cool. Glad to hear about your Dad coming around and listening to the doctors. They are lucky to have you. Sorry about Tavian's behavior at camp, but I can relate. We talked and bought a punching-bag. Therapy did not work for my kids - too much fighting and energy to get them to go. Explaining how the other kid feels when Tavian is mean to him, is a good thing also. I will pray for you.

Dee - Now I know how those finches clear the seeds from my sunflowers. Mine are on the side of the house. Hard to see without walking around the house. Also, wonderful story about Eri and her Dad. When I attended the Waukesha Country Courthouse yearly rememberance gathering, they had butterflies to release. We were to whisper a wish and let them go. My wish was that Brian would be the first person the greet me when I die. Looks like Eri's Dad got that wish.

Bonnie, Pinnacle Days must be in a couple weeks? Sure hope the weather holds. One of many of th best parts of last year was releasing the laterns at night - so beautiful - and of course the chain-saw song by the band was cool too.

I am sending love to those of us who find ourselves here. Trudi my friend, must be about 12:30 pm on Tuesday for you right now - that is so wierd. I was telling Aaron and Trevor about the time difference - Aaron just gave me a wierd look.

Carol, Dan, Greg, Marcia, Deneace, Leah, Rhonda, Susannah, Lorri, Cindy, Betty, Terrie, Sherry, Lynn, Sonya, Dale, Shelly, Betsy, and so many others who find ourselves here. I think of you often - you are my family-in-the-know.

Thinking of you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Wow Lorri, what a great view on things. Sorry your Dad died when you were young. That sure gives you a 20/20 view on a bit of Tavian's world.

Colleen