Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Dee------Oh my........90 degree weather and school in session. I just wonder how attentive and how

much the kids can learn in that much heat. . Hope the weather cools off soon. P.S. I dislike

FOX NEWS too. .

Sherry

[heartbeataway]

Hi Dee,

Banner flags arrived today. Haven't opened the box but just wanted you to know they arrived safely.

Thanks!

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - Just got home from camping, had to leave early as the storm is on its way....hopefully it will be downsizes by the time it reaches us but are sure to get lots of rain and wind....

I did not even take time to read any of the post's as I am just to weary, alot has been going on but nothing I can't handle believe me...

I welcome the "new" to this journey yet so sad for the reason why....I promise to catch up on all the posts and respond to all. Right now I am saying goodnight and rest my weary soul in the air conditioner, snuggled with Tavian and watch a movie.

Love, strength and prayers to all......

[ericasmom]

Zac's Mom, I am so very sorry for the loss of so bright a star as your Zac. I feel so sad that he had to lose his leg, and go through so much trauma and then get sicker still. HOw hard for you, for your Daughter too. As others have said, you are brand new to this sad path, and we want you to know that we are here for you whenever...there are others here you may have seen, whose children died from illness. You all have in common the long days and nights of sitting beside your Child trying to keep them going. I am sorry.

I lost Erica 7 years ago, one month after Sherry lost Davey. Eri was driving over a grade-level rail crossing with a broken fuse, so the light was not flashing, her car was hit by an Amtrak going around 50 or so around a curve. The train was coming from Chicago, a train sh'd taken a few times to Kalamazoo, Michigan where she and my Son, Jon, were living and kind o fgoing to school. She lived for ^ days after being hit< and then we took her off life support> she was nineteen. It will be a long way before you may feel good again, but I am here to tell you that one day you will. Hang on in the darkest days and just post and post, everybody here gets that. Remember, (this is kind of my unofficial job here) to take vitamins and drink plenty of water and juices as we forget when we are grieving, we forget to take care of us. We often don't want to, but please do anyhow. We do because we are still here adn that must be for a reason. Tell us more about your family when you feel like it.

Bonnie< I am so glad that the banners arrived today, HOORAY. NOw duck and cover out of Hurricane Earl's way, you too Kathy, Carol, and anyone else on the coast line. I wish you all safety.

Jen, so good to know you are there, hope you are well.

Cittlelady, I sure will pray for healing and for peace for you all. How difficult your situation is, my heart to you.

Sus, I have no problem talking about PTSD and what my circumstances were. I was going along, more worried about JOnathan than I was before ERi died, but I was always a worrier. Anyhow, I was in therapy for about 1.5 years and I was here online with Sherry and some others back in 2004, and 2005. Well, after ERi died, my cousin Lela died, three weeks following Eri, suddenly. So sadness for my whole family again. Then my niece got pregnant and our family thought, oh look, new life where we had lost so much, and boom her baby was diagnosed with a chromosonal anomaly and she had to give birth to her baby who had died, at 5 months. So we work to get strong again, to find the light again, and the summer following Eri's death, a man I had known, his kids went to school with mine, had just seen him a week before, died. He stroked like my cousin and died. Tony was 56. The next summer another neighbor friend whose kids also grew up beside mine, was also hit by a train, she was crossing her bike when another passenger train flew past, she misread the conductor who was boarding a train...Trish was 53, also a teacher in the same district as me. That same year, one of our kindergarten teachers, Marie, died from cancer. The following year, my friend Mark died, heart, my friend Carol died, (I had worked with both Carol and Mark in my twenties) Carol had breast cancer. So I am trying to find ways to cope, doing pretty well, making sure I was keeping in contact with Tony's son and to Trish's daughters. Then the memorial day of 2007, a young lady that I had known, once again went to elementary and through highschool with my kids, Kathy, was working with AMERICORP in Alaska. I had seen her in October before she left. She was so happy. WEll she and two co-workers went camping on Memorial weekend along the shore of a still ice covered in parts lake. They took a boat out, and two days later the boat was found empty, tipped over. All three of the young adults drowned in the icy waters. Kathy's body was not found until July, and in fact, brought to the surface on July 3rd, and brought home to Oak Park on the 8th, the anniversary of ERi being hit. Her memorial was the day before the anniversary of ERi's death. the four year anniversary. I do believe that Kathy's death really unhinged me. I saw her Mom, her sisters, and I went through it all again for myself and for them. Hating that someone else I knew had to live this way. between all the loss of my peer and dealing with my own deep ache, and being on Beyond with new folks all the time, then Kathy? well I started being really nervous. Every siren sent images of possible scenarios that were horrid. I always jumped wht the phone, I was having limited sleep, heart palps, and daily fear. I found less and less pleasure in anything, I was agitated and scared and finally called my therapist and said that I think that perhaps I was dealing with a strong something, and when she asked what I thought it was, I said PTSD. She shook her head yes, after listening to all that I was feeling and displaying, and I stayed in thearapy for another 1.5 or 2 years. I needed a weekly place to unload my worries, to unload my fears, to face them and speak them. It helped tremendously, but I still have bouts of it. I do have a hard time thinking that my Son will be safe and unharmed. But I am working on it. I try to talk myself into the practical light and I write in my journal, both of which help.

When I returned to BI I felt ready for the connection to everyone here, to assist if I could, to share whenever.

[briansdad]

Well here we are........SEPT I hate it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdSsvoOevpM

[ericasmom]

Greg, I am sorry, I know you hate it, it is that time of great ache. Prayers.

Sherry, yep, in the 90's with high humidity, the kids are struggling to cope. I am too to be honest, too many hours in stifling heat. we go outside for the breezes at least, but we have to cover material too. Bring on the 60s and 70s...

still cannot locate a button or icon for angel date under my info on settings...

got to get some sleep, that has been sketchy lately.

[briansdad]

Dee I thought I'd send this to you. It sure speaks to me.

[ericasmom]

Greg that song was on this morning as I was getting ready for school, has always been one of my MOST favorite songs in the whole of my life. Thanks so much, I will close the day with it now. Oh, I also cry to the September song. I have one that I will also think of sending to you...

[mikesmomrs]

Hello Indigos: I am writing tonight on a laptop...and while it is not the little teeny keyboard of my hubby's DROID, it is still awkward as the keys are REALY close together. But, I am grateful for the laptop.

First I would like to say a welcome to the new parents here, and so very sorry about your loss. I know that some are not new, and some are, but we are all on the same road, and the grief is always there. Bonnie said a while back that the loss of her son is the background noise in her life, and this is such a true statement. We can push it down to barely audible, but it is always there, and every now and then, our heart turns up the volume. But, being able to come here to BI and talk to others who truly understand our feelings and needs to talk about our child, helps us all so very much. '

Zacsmom----so very sorry that you are here. 'Please know that I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet son. You are in a place of comfort and understanding, I lost my son, Mike, at the age of 31, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer. Mike left behind 3 small boys, who are now 14, 13 and almost 6. Please tell us about your son, when you can, and share some of his life with us.'

clittlelady: I am so very sorry that your son is so ill...I am glad that you have the support of your family, but I wish that you could be enjoying their presence for another, brighter reason.

Dee: I know that you have told us some of what all you've been through before, but I am not sure it was all at the same time....it is just unreal, but I am so glad that you recognized that you needed help and was able to see a therapist who helped you. The help that you have given to so many has been such a blessing to them, but I am so sorry that you have had to go through so much, especiallyl in such a relatively short time. Sending love to you, dear friend.

'

All of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am sending out another plea for prayers, as well. Ralph is back in the hospital. I knew that his COPD was acting up yesterday and he just kept getting sicker by the hour. I called the doctor this am,and when he still hadn't called back by 2 pm, I called his office again. His secretary told me taht he had left a prescription for him. Well, in th epast this may have been okay, but I did ask the secretary earlier to remind the doctor that Ral;ph was status post 6 weeks neprectomy. So, when I heard that he wasn't going to see him, but just write a scrip, I headed for the ER. Turned out he had a lung infection bad enough to need three different kinds of antibiotics, and his heart rate was up to 150 when we go there. After an hour or so, they were going to give him some meds to bring the rate down, but it came down on i ts own. They had everything ready, and believe me, when I saw them pull out thos paddles and attach them to his chest, in prepartion for any complications from the medicine, I just freaked. Poor Jamie was with us cause we had him all day, but he was just the best...sweet, patient, etc. Well, they didn't give Ralph the meds, then 15 minutes later, his rate went back up to 149 and stayed there, so they gave him the meds. They didn't need the paddles, thank God, but they did need to keep up with the meds---as soon as they wore off, his reate would go up again. They only brought it down to 98, but when it went back up to 149, they shot in the meds again. So, we are here, in the hospital, he is being monitored, given tons of meds, etc. The good news is that his kidney function is improving, but the bad news is that he has a serious case of penumonia...and a serious case of pneumonia in someone with severe COPD is indeed a scary thing. So, here I am again, asking for prayers from you all...I sat in the chapel this afternoon and pleaded with God to help him once again....knowing full well that while God always does answer prayers, sometimes the answer is "no." Well, Ralph is doing better tonight, his heart rate is still 95 or so, and he is still being given the heart med...his breathing is terrible, and he is wicked uncomfortable...but he is here, where they can monitor his every breath and every heartbeat. And I can sit here by him, and pray.

Sending love and good thoughts to all of you...holding you close in my heart.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

ps: I will be updating his 'Care Pages site with this news, as there are many on there who want to know what's happening and it is the easiest way to let everyone know how he is doing. Thank you all so much for your caring and support.

[ericasmom]

MOst deep prayers Carol, for a recovery quick and complete. I am sorry that once again, you find yourself in this kind of worry. Love and hope to you Dear Friend.

Morning Everyone,

love ya-

[ericasmom]

OH and as far as the PTSD, there were even more losses of adult aquaintances and friends in that time, it was a random choosing of who goes next, or that is what my brain was saying, like some un-spoken lottery system was going on. One of the losses that un-hinged my sense of self too, was when Kathy was missing there were prayer vigils at the local Catholic church, her family being strong Catholics, that night, I parked my car near an old friend whose Son, Josh, died a year and a half before ERi. Joan, her husband Bill, and I walked to church, Bill sobbed the whole way. Kathy was Josh's best friend. He kept saying, I cannot live without the laughter from Kathy. Kath and all of Joshs' friends had kept up with JOan and Bill since his death, like Eri's friends do with us. So in church we begged that Kathy walk out of the forest that surrounded the lake, please let her walk out and be fine...When she was finally located months later, Bill had developed a bad cold, but later found it to be a fast and virulent infection that killed him within two months of Kathy's memorial service. So Bill's illness I am quite sure, started the day they reported Kathy missing. The docs even said that it probably started like a virus in his system about 4 months before he became ill enough to be alarmed.

So I continued to step into the day, believing that there is more to do here and that there was more good than bad, but I felt like I needed a crossing guard to get me from place to place. I had to fight that fear and need to just go to two places, work and home. I am a homebody anyhow, but boy, I really was then. It took a lot of work in therapy to find my flexible footing again. I have to work sometimes to change the image that I am thinking of and talk myself down off the cliff.

I wish everyone a gorgeous day, we are expecting storms and then COOLER WEATHER! HOORAY!

[hotrod]

Carol, Getting Ralph to the hospital instead of waiting for the Doctor was obviously a very important decision. What a fantastic caring person you are!!! I am so sorry that Ralph is experiencing this discomfort and I have again include your family on my prayer line.

Dee, You certainly experienced many painful losses and pain in the short time following Eri's passing. You were a wise women to seek professional help.

I know how frustrating it is to not be able to locate something on this Board The angel date section is on the page you find yourself on after you click Change Profile

Scroll all the way down that page . At 4 spaces from the bottom you will find the "Angel Date section." It looks like this:

.

Gender Not Telling Male Female

Location

Interests Swimming, walking, reading, writing

Loss Type What type of loss have you had?

Angel Date Share with others your Angel Date

Betsy, Love the new album in the gallery. What sweet pictures of such good times!!! As Sherry said:

"It is so good to visit the gallery and enjoy all the angel memories there.

Leah I hope you are OK Let us know . You and the family are still in my prayers.

Have to run, have a safe day

[heartbeataway]

Hello Indigos: I am writing tonight on a laptop...and while it is not the little teeny keyboard of my hubby's DROID, it is still awkward as the keys are REALY close together. But, I am grateful for the laptop.

First I would like to say a welcome to the new parents here, and so very sorry about your loss. I know that some are not new, and some are, but we are all on the same road, and the grief is always there. Bonnie said a while back that the loss of her son is the background noise in her life, and this is such a true statement. We can push it down to barely audible, but it is always there, and every now and then, our heart turns up the volume. But, being able to come here to BI and talk to others who truly understand our feelings and needs to talk about our child, helps us all so very much. '

Zacsmom----so very sorry that you are here. 'Please know that I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet son. You are in a place of comfort and understanding, I lost my son, Mike, at the age of 31, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer. Mike left behind 3 small boys, who are now 14, 13 and almost 6. Please tell us about your son, when you can, and share some of his life with us.'

clittlelady: I am so very sorry that your son is so ill...I am glad that you have the support of your family, but I wish that you could be enjoying their presence for another, brighter reason.

Dee: I know that you have told us some of what all you've been through before, but I am not sure it was all at the same time....it is just unreal, but I am so glad that you recognized that you needed help and was able to see a therapist who helped you. The help that you have given to so many has been such a blessing to them, but I am so sorry that you have had to go through so much, especiallyl in such a relatively short time. Sending love to you, dear friend.

'

All of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am sending out another plea for prayers, as well. Ralph is back in the hospital. I knew that his COPD was acting up yesterday and he just kept getting sicker by the hour. I called the doctor this am,and when he still hadn't called back by 2 pm, I called his office again. His secretary told me taht he had left a prescription for him. Well, in th epast this may have been okay, but I did ask the secretary earlier to remind the doctor that Ral;ph was status post 6 weeks neprectomy. So, when I heard that he wasn't going to see him, but just write a scrip, I headed for the ER. Turned out he had a lung infection bad enough to need three different kinds of antibiotics, and his heart rate was up to 150 when we go there. After an hour or so, they were going to give him some meds to bring the rate down, but it came down on i ts own. They had everything ready, and believe me, when I saw them pull out thos paddles and attach them to his chest, in prepartion for any complications from the medicine, I just freaked. Poor Jamie was with us cause we had him all day, but he was just the best...sweet, patient, etc. Well, they didn't give Ralph the meds, then 15 minutes later, his rate went back up to 149 and stayed there, so they gave him the meds. They didn't need the paddles, thank God, but they did need to keep up with the meds---as soon as they wore off, his reate would go up again. They only brought it down to 98, but when it went back up to 149, they shot in the meds again. So, we are here, in the hospital, he is being monitored, given tons of meds, etc. The good news is that his kidney function is improving, but the bad news is that he has a serious case of penumonia...and a serious case of pneumonia in someone with severe COPD is indeed a scary thing. So, here I am again, asking for prayers from you all...I sat in the chapel this afternoon and pleaded with God to help him once again....knowing full well that while God always does answer prayers, sometimes the answer is "no." Well, Ralph is doing better tonight, his heart rate is still 95 or so, and he is still being given the heart med...his breathing is terrible, and he is wicked uncomfortable...but he is here, where they can monitor his every breath and every heartbeat. And I can sit here by him, and pray.

Sending love and good thoughts to all of you...holding you close in my heart.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

ps: I will be updating his 'Care Pages site with this news, as there are many on there who want to know what's happening and it is the easiest way to let everyone know how he is doing. Thank you all so much for your caring and support.

....... our heart turns up the volume .......EXACTLY! There's a break in our heart and loss added an eternal "miss". These never go away and I believe for me that that's where the background noise comes from. My broken heart that misses our boy every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

PRAYING FOR HEALING FOR RALPH AND STRENGTH FOR YOU MY LADY ........ loaded with love!

[shorty16]

Sorry guys, I cannot do the Neil Young thing. Just can not.

Now Jimmy Hendrix, that is where it is at.

Three Little Birds - That song was left at the crash site by one of Brian's friends.

That was my boy, just wanted to have a good time in life.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mysonrich]

Betty, Carol, Kathy, looks as if we will not have to batten down the hatches unless...let's hope it's some much needed rain and light wind. I'm 50 miles inland now but remember the flooding of past years.

thanks Betty, the gallery is a good place to see the many aspects of the kids we read about isn't it.

Carol, so sorry to read of Ralph's COPD and complications associated with it.This hot ,humid weather must make Ralph very uncomfortable as I know it does for many. Good that you took the drive to the ER.

To the new people here,I'm so sorry that you find yourself on this road.

I've been going through the "what ifs" and "why didn't I" and "why didn't he or she" do this or that.I feel as if I failed my son in not knowing that something would kill him at 20 years of age. Rich didn't have health insurance. My insurer ,as most I think, would not allow him to be covered under mine unless he was a f/t college student. He didn't want to go to college right after HS and only spoke of it when he decided he wanted to take some business classes . He asked me on a couple of occasions if I could cover him, I explained that I would if I could, it just wasn't allowed. I asked him if something was wrong. He said he wanted lasik eye surgery. Was that all it was? or did he hide something from me? so, I try to stay off that train of thought and i would have to guess that I'm not the only person that thinks along that line.

Trudi, this is for you.[/b]Battle: TrentonWar: American RevolutionDate: 25th December 1776Place: Trenton, New Jersey on the Delaware RiverCombatants: Americans against Hessians and British troopsGenerals: General George Washington against Colonel Rahl.

[Guest msnher]

Colleen wrote, "That was my boy, just wanted to have a good time in life." He did....you know...have a good time in life. He was/is very happy! You were and are a good mother! Any child is lucky to be able to be in your home....

Carol - I'm so sorry for this turn of events in Ralph's health! I wish there was something wise I could say, but there is not. We all know sometimes God say's no. We also know that miracles happen. Praying strength, peace and comfort for you, Ralph and all your family.

Names of our newer members elude me right now....So many.....so very sorry. For the mother and family sitting by the hospital bed of her child, waiting..........please come back to us if and when you can.

Dee - Thank you for sharing your PTSD experience. Such loss so close together. Especially thank you for coming back here and sharing your experience, strength and hope with the rest of us. In fact, thank you to all who have stayed here for so long. We need you!!! I love what you said, Dee, about needing a crossing guard to make it from point A to point B. You all are my crossing guards! I mutter (to God) once in a while...who are you taking from me next? The last three years have been full of loss and sorrow. There has also been many gifts and blessings, but sometimes they're hard to see.

Well, it's time to get the kiddo's up. We sat and did homework together for an hour last night. There wasn't an hours worth of homework, we were all just working together, so it took that long. Jonathon is learning to recognize his ABC's and he gets confused. Jasmine is learning to recognize coins and she gets confused. If she doesn't know what the coin is she just says "it's a coin."

They are still behind scholastically speaking. They were behind before we got them because their focus, then, was survival. We didn't push academics when we got them because they were busy healing and learning to feel safe. Then their mother died, and I wasn't able to help them if I could have. This year, however, we are all ready (knock on wood). Sometimes I feel the pressure to MAKE them learn it all in one night and I have to force myself to be patient. What I don't understand is, Jonathon will recognize all his letters in one setting, and not know them in the next...just moments apart from each other. Same with Jasmine. She recognized all the coins to one for one question and the next question used exactly the same coins and she didn't know what they were.

Ok...gotta get them up.

Blessings, friends!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

Welcome to the site to all the newbies. So sorry for the need of even needing to be here. We will walk this journey together.Thinking of you all and holding you in a special place in my heart.

[ericasmom]

Well yes Betty it was heavy, it is heavy, but I still feel blessed to be in this day, did even in the midst of all the people I knew leaving, but I felt so afraid. I deal better now, but will return to therapy if I get to a certain point in being afraid again.

Sus, thanks, being here is very important to me, and leaving when I did was for self preservation and because I felt I could be of no help at that particular time. Hey, homework time sounds good, an hour around the table just learning is great. The absence of memory from moment to the next is fairly common, as you know, for kids who went through huge trauma. I was the same way as a little one, my home life preoccupied my waking time, and so information did not stick. Playing memory games with alpahbet letters is a great game, matching games like line up all the upper case letters across the table and have a stack of cards with lower case letters. Have Jon take a card off the top and try to match it to its uppercase partner. If he can't at that time, put it aside and eventually the pool of possible matches will shrink as he matches others. He probably needs a great deal of visual cues, and auditory as well. So get the old playschol tape recorder out for all three of them. Have those that are reading read into the tape player to play back and listen, both to see if they think that they are sounding smooth enough, (fluency) and if they need to listen to a story a few times to understand the story. I have many things one can do to assist pre reading and emerging readers, as well as emerging math skills. Use real coins with your kids, not those awful teacher-store ones. Have them trace with crayons over the coins with a pencil tip or crayon, heads and tails. Also matching games, a pile of money in the center of the table, your turn, you pick a card that says nickle, take a nickle. Child's turn, picks a card that says penny, let him take a penny. and on and on....or the cards could have a 1Cent written on it, so that they match the value with the coin.

The galleries make my heart smile.

Betty, thanks I am going to try the advice you gave.

dee

[shorty16]

Carol

I am sending prayers your way. Can you feel them?

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Thanks Bet, it worked, much appreciation.

[mpsmom]

Could someone please tell me how to find and access 'care pages' so I can keep up on Carol's husbands progress? I have not been on BI for quite a while and just read that Ralph is back in the hospital. Anyone who knows how I can find this 'care pages' please post it here for me. Thank you so much

Carol, saying prayers for Ralph that he have a turn for the best this morning... I will keep you both in my prayers..

(((HUGS)))

[Lost without my boy]

Go to http://www.carepages.com/

In the middle of the page you can see "Find family or friends" put the name to search for them and then become a member. let me know if you have any trouble. Email me at michellerogers13@yahoo.com. I haven't been able to get to this site very often.

Michelle Angel CJ's mom

Could someone please tell me how to find and access 'care pages' so I can keep up on Carol's husbands progress? I have not been on BI for quite a while and just read that Ralph is back in the hospital. Anyone who knows how I can find this 'care pages' please post it here for me. Thank you so much

Carol, saying prayers for Ralph that he have a turn for the best this morning... I will keep you both in my prayers..

(((HUGS)))

[scox]

Thank you all so much for the comments. Just being able to read the posts is very helpful. Like all of you have stated, I am sorry that any of you have to be here; but it is helpful to know that someone understands.

Prayers to all,

Sharon

Zac's Mom

[mpsmom]

thank you all, I am now able to log on to Care pages and keep up with Carol and Ralph.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - thanks for the helpful suggestions re games for the kids. I will put them to good use asap! We do use real money. The kids get real excited because they get to keep the coins used to teach. As it so happens, I just received a phone call from the school principal asking me to part of a committee that deals with discipline and homework issues. Pretty cool, if you ask me!

I've spoken with Elaine via private messaging. She has given me permission to let everyone know she as okay as one can expect, under the circumstances. She is able to log on to BI, but has been busy taking care of her son, Michael, who hurt his leg in an ATV wreck. She is also preparing to move to Texas come December. She will be coming through Casper, so we will be able to meet in person! Woo-hoo!!

Nap time.....

Susannah/Stephanie's mom...

Oh....nice to meet you, Sharon!! It sounds so odd to "welcome" someone or say "nice to meet you" here. Here is the last place any of us wanted to belong..........but, HERE is a nice place to be, given all of our situations.

[ericasmom]

Hi Guys,

can you remind me as to what name Ralph can be found in the carepages?

[lolynbo]

KOURTNEYS QUILT

HOPE THIS POSTS

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[lolynbo]

CORNER #2

[lolynbo]

CORNER#3

[lolynbo]

CORNER #4

SORRY DONT NO HOW TO POST ALL TOGETHER

[ericasmom]

Lorri, the photos are great, I love the work that she did, it is gorgeous.

[josephsmom90]

Hi BI Gang!

Hey it's nice to know someone's thinking of you when your not around a while. I don't get that out in the 'real world.' Though I've been a bit busy, part of it's been depression I think. Sleeping too much, though I am getting what needs to be done and working out, so I guess it's not all that bad!

So I need some input, I am going to bite the big one and move. I am moving to Texas...McKinney is 30 mi N of Dallas. There is work there and a rail that goes to Dallas and it's not a long trip. SO WORK is available!! And I mean ANYTHING, I'd clean motel rooms a few days a week just to have something to do and earn a little that I can save!!! Though I am 'not supposed to do that kind of work' I could probably made do for a while.

I am entery level as far as administration goes so nothing I get for now would support me. That is if it was full time so my plan is to find something pt time, save it, get practical job exp on my resume in the admin world and then look for something that will support me. McKinney was in the top 5 places to live in the country as for employment, housing, schools, and crime. But nearly all of Texas has work with the unemployment level below national average. So does Wyoming, BUT with all this metal in me, I can't live under that kind of extreme cold. Though I love the mountains, I have to start looking toward me and my old age. The rain up here kicks my tail, puts my arms in such a state that doing dishes is out, just hurts, it's arthritis in BOTH elbows, though I only ruined (or don't have a right one, it's a metal elbow) I have it in both and the entire right side of my shoulder & upper back is affected with heavy cold or wet systems.

I don't quite know how to do this. I should go down there and look around, rather than just making a blind move. I have a truck and a car, and a houseful of things. I'm having a gargae sale this weekend to cut down on some things. So I'd have to drive a large moving truck, come back, get the car and F250 with a transport on the pickup, drive it down to Tx... I don't feel real good about driving a giant truck alone, Michael's in school... So..... maybe I should take one smaller truck to Tx, unload it in storage, fly home, take the car down, then pack the whole house in a large trailer pulled by the truck? I'd have Michael with me that trip and it be Thanksgiving at the earliest, Christmas at the latest. We kind of decided we were not going to do a "Chritmas" was horrid last time so we will just wing this year. Though he thought he was supposed to go to Cancun for the holiday with his aunt and dad, I talked to him and he said no. So.. I told Michael that and he said he didn't know if he wanted to spend the holiday with his dad in Evanston, and I agree, I don't think it be the thing to do. The whole Jospeh ordeal is pretty raw there, Michael calls Joseph & Daniel's friends a 'bunch of murderers' due to the stuff associated with his death, the house in his words, creeps me out, I can't sleep or eat there.. Those kids still come over, though Daniel is ususally in Casper working, and his dad is 53! Go figure. So any ideas how I can make this move, suggestions? I'm single alone, not physically strong enough to change a tire, I have Auto Club though.

I'm praying about it, oh and my car is in the shop again! I can't believe this thing, I bought it with 20,000 miles on it and it's been in the shop on a regular basis, drives me nuts not to mention COST!

I'll shut up now, How are the rest of you? Looks like I've got some reading to catch up on.

'

Elaine

[mysonrich]

Elaine, try this site first before driving down,over,up, there;

http://www.city-data.com/forum/search.php?searchid=23834279

Pack and ship some things; UPS,Fedex,USPS is an option. Craigslist.com has a listings for people that help with packing trucks and driving. This is where I found" Dan with a pick-up" to load my truck and he did offer a full service move as well. Rather disappointed with UHaul and their Epack even though they gave me a partial refund .Check out employment agencies if you want a feel for where you may fit in best . Or Monster.com, Careerbuilder, Hotjobs and again, craiglist.

[daveydow1]

Carol-------Keeping Ralph in my prayers. You definitely did the right thing by taking Ralph in to the

ER. The person who is WITH the patient......right in front of him/her, is the best judge of the

acuteness of the situation,.....and not someone who is on the phone.....even a DR. You were right

there, and followed your instincts which were accurate as to the seriousness of Ralph's condition.

I pray that he will improve day by day. Peace & prayers to you, friend.

Dee----I, too, did not realize that you had all of the deaths of close people so soon after ERi's passing.

That is a lot to take in such a small window of time. I know what you mean about fears etc. I went

to therapy for awhile after Dave's death.......about 6 to 8 months. I found it to be helpful too. I told

the counselor about how I would jump whenever anyone spoke or approached me and I wasn't

expecting it. He told me it was called "exaggerated startle reflex", and that people sometimes have

it after a terrible shock. Although it has subsided somewhat after 7 yrs., it can (and does) still happen

to me. My husband has it too, occaisionally. Of course, in & of itself, it is not nearly as severe of a

manifestation of shock as many other conditions......for which I am grateful.....I guess, for an expample,

it could be horrid nightmares, panic attacks, or many other things that could become debilitating. I hope

and pray that the PTSD does not return for you. Peace, Comfort, & prayers.

Is your town a western suburb of Chicago, or Northern??? Just wondered. .

Kathy-----Hoping the storm plays itself out, and that all you get is some rain. My niece lives & works on

Nantucket Island. Have not heard from my brother if she has to evacuate. Take care, my friend.

Lorri-----The quilt pics are great.......such a lovely job of embroidery.......such a nice tribute to sweet Kourtney Lynn.

Elaine----Good to see you back on BI.

It's been hot here, but we're supposed to get relief over the weekend......I hope so. PEACE TO ALL AT BI.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Dee - the link is

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Howsralph/updates/2770261?client_code=default&ipc=mur. The Carol and Ralph rollercoaster is up and running.. Again, would the accountant that gives us no more than we can handle pls check is figures....its enough!

Dark days at the moment. Doing all the things that are supposed support me in handling the journey but as we all know a black abyss can take us at anytime, anywhere.

The legals for work keep rolling on. The old before we completely sign off on this we need.....and the list goes on.

Baby Jeya has tears in both corneas now. She is amazing. Her sight is down to a blur, her lids are purple from the ruptures, yet she wants to go to playgroup and 3yr old kinder to paint and be with her friends. Love her spirit.

Its September as Greg says. Wake me when September ends. Part of the heaviness in the heart is knowing that Harmony will be 5 in 3 weeks time. Another time stamp to remind me (as if I need it) that Micheal has been gone for almost 4yrs. His baby is off to school soon - not seeing her adds to the heartache.

We have sun at the moment - It was 2C at 6am when Muttley and I took a stroll. Back home thawing now.

Betsy - Thanks for the link....I knew there was something, just can't tell you where I know this from.....

Lorri - The thumbnails don't do it justice but its an amazing quilt, just right for wrapping yourself in (once summer passes). Kourtney surrounding you......

Take Care Indigos...Trudi

[ericasmom]

I have the link Trud, just need the name that will help me locate Ralph, is he under Mike or Ralph or whom? Trudi, I think that when spring comes you will feel better, but oh yes, that time stamp. The children turning the next age, the next steps. I am sorry that you are not able to be with that little beauty of a child, but somehow, she carries her daddy with her, in her, and therefore you are in her too, and one day I pray, you will sit together and stare in each others brown eyes and know the facets of love. Hey, what happened to little JEya's eyes? I had no idea, did you post something before? Is it going to heal or does she need surgery? Kisses.

Sherry, we are the first suburb west of Chi-town, just 15 or 20 minutes to the downtown area. Hey, the cool weather is coming, i can feel the temp change now, though humidity is still high, it will dissipate soon. HOORAY! I mean really my classroom smelled this week like a room would in 90-something degrees with equal humidity...filled with kids. NOt pleasant.

Elaine, so good to see your name here, glad that you are okay. A move is what you have been talking about, so my thoughts and best wishes as you figure this all out.

[josephsmom90]

Betsy,

Thanks for the info, I will look at that link after church tonight. I didn't know you can get people to move you accross the country outside of Atlas or someone like that, who I dislike VERY much, and they are VERY spendy! I have been looking at the job sites too though, they look good. And with my limited disability, there just has to be plentiful administrative work, I am entry level with a lot of education so I have to build practical job experience. But I'm going one way or another, and again thanks for the help. Anyone else have an ideas, feel free to shoot em my way.

ELaine

[Guest msnher]

The tape recorder is a huge success! Mariah read two books to the recorder already this evening. She feels like a radio announcer.

Jasmine is still struggling with numbers. We used real coins, as always, but, she just can't retain information. She gets it right once and then totally blanks out. I found myself getting impatient with her so we quit for the night. I'm going to discuss it with her teachers tomorrow. She said the correct number and then immediately said the wrong number and it went from bad to worse after that. I remained calm and kept smiling....but, I found myself staring at her when each answer began coming back "NINE". Jonathon, who is 6, is doing wonders with the coins. He gets it. Jasmine just has a block.

Jonathon is in the bathtub right now. I kept hearing this banging noise so I checked on him. He was bouncing his ball in the tub!!!

I'm exhausted and it is still early.

Well, that's my life now. Steph's kids/my kids. We bought pink paint yesterday for Jasmine's room. We've waited to do anything permantly until we were positive we got to keep them. Pink paint. Shrug. It's what she wants.

Night all

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Carol - many, many prayers for Ralph and for you. I will find my way to the care page.

I have been very busy putting away alot of stuff, waiting to see what this storm brings, I pray it stays just rain and a bit of wind but it looks like a bit more then that....time will tell.

I feel as though I have missed out on so much here lately....life gets in the way sometimes, Hopefully if we do not lose our electricity tomorrow I will be able to spend time here catching up with all.

I love you all and pray for strength for each and everyone. My love and blessings to all...

[lolynbo]

PRAYERS FOR RALPH.....THINKING OF YAL...

[Lost without my boy]

Colleen,

Thanks for your reply. I think the same thing about Christopher, Jr. I can't believe I will miss watching him grow.

Michelle

Krichie - so sorry you are saying goodbye to your precious pet. They become part of our family. Your dog will be in good company in heaven.

Michelle - My daughter's name is Michelle, love the name. My Michelle is 20 and starting her junior year at U WI Milw. Thinking of your daughter today and her exceptional talent. Enjoy it while you can, we all grow up.

Rhonda - I must tell you, I think of you alot. At about the 8th month mark is when I was in the most pain. The shock slowly wearing off and reality continually beating me senseless. I want you to know this will not last. There is a softening of the pain.

Like Bonnie said - Our grief is the background noise of our lives. Sometimes, so loud, the outside world does not exist, sometimes just a whisper.

I miss you so much my sweet boy. I miss your hair, you had thick hair and it would not behave all the time. I miss your comments. Funny most of the time. I miss your adolesence youth changing into a man that we will never see. There is a part of my brain that says "This could not have happened?" "How does a 16 year old die?" "How can my life be like it is?" "I cannot believe I have to live the rest of my life without you?!"

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Lost without my boy]

Jenn,

Thank you for your reply. It helps to hear that you have the same fears that I do about Mackenzie. I try not to let them take me over. I hope you can do the same.

Michelle

Hi Michelle,

I'm glad that you have found your way to BI, however, so very sorry for the loss of your sweet CJ and that you are here. I do believe that little ones can see and have an inner site to the spiritual world. My son passed away at 9 weeks and 6 days from SIDS, 2 days before my daughter's 2nd birthday, and the first time that she told me she saw Jeffery was about 6 months after he had passed, she said, in an "oh, by the way" tone, I saw Jeffery today, he's crawling now. The second time was shortly after the one year mark, and again, she said I saw Jeffery, and he was walking, she was very excited to tell me, and the 3rd and last time was about 6 months after that and she said, I talked to Jeffery today, and I asked what did he say, and she said, that he said "I love you, Jessica", and then I said what did he say about his mommy??!!

I also understand your fear where, Mackenzie is concerned, when Jeffery passed away, I worried for Jessica who was then almost 2, she is now 16 and I still check on her when she sleeps. Also, I have a 3 year old son, and since he was born, actually, even before he was born, I have feared his death. I still have the baby monitor in his room, so I can hear him at night and if I don't hear him, I am in there making sure he's alright, and that was one of the reasons I had joined BI, as I only joined a short time ago. Jeffery has been gone, but not forgotten for over 14 years, and at the time I joined I was feeling overwhelmed with grief of losing Jeffery, and overwhelmed by my fear of losing Jessica and Devin. This group has been a life saver for me.

May peace be with you.

[Lost without my boy]

Carol,

This year I am teaching all 11th & 12th graders. Our school has about 1200 students. It seem like a lot to me. I can't imagine being in a school with 3000 or more. Students must just get lost. Thank you for your comments.

Michelle

Lorri...you bring so many smiles to our days...I read the other day, that if you are trying to lose weight, or even if you aren't, that when you have a "treat" that is normally forbidden, it should be one that you wind up saying "that was SO worth it" and not "oh, man, WHY did I eat that!?!" I think you definitely put those donuts in the "that was SO worth it" category...your description had me smiling and wishing I could have been walking with you... I am sorry you have been feeling so down lately and missing your sweet Kourt...I think it's the time of year...or not...just knowing our babies are not here, no matter what time of year it might be, can sometimes be enough to put us back a few steps.

Rhonda: "Not only can your child be gone, (which I'm trying to accept) and gone forever (working on that, too) , they can be gone for 11 years? A definite for real amount of time..." We are coming up on FOUR years since Mike died, and I was just thinking the other day, on his birthday, how amazing it is that my baby would have been 35, and then my heart did a double back flip as I instantly thought about how amazing it is that he will never be 35! Our hearts are entwined in an unreal world of something never happening, as a result of something happening that never should have happened...we are on the edge of a precipice sometimes, separated only by that thin veil of another plane on which our children wait for us...it can be a painful place to be sometimes. Thank God for our friends here on BI, who are always on the alert to pull us back from that precipice, and to infuse us with hope and love and surround us with comfort once again...helping us back onto the road of living, where we may find joy in something as simple as a package of tiny chocolate donuts...or as profound as faith in the future...something our children want for us, very, very much.

Betty: Love the new mother in your yard and her "dray" of babies...(hubby told me that)...thanks for sharing...

Krichie: Thinking of you today as you send your gift to Richie...he will greet Little Bear joyfully...

Dee: I am so glad that your first day went well..a good tired, I am sure...I hope you were able to sleep well. Our kids don't start til next week, and a couple (the girls) not til the week after...Jamie is showing serious signs of anxiety about it...his mom is going to take him back to therapy...he has some issues he needs to work out...I feel so for him...he's such a sweet little kid, but can get "overrun" with feelings and confusion, and unfortunately, can sometimes be the subject of teasing.

Claudia: So glad to see your wonderful Joey's face and to hear from you...yes, there are many new people here, sadly, but blessedly they are finding the understanding that they seek and need to walk this road...

Michelle: good luck with your new school year, also...high school...what year? and how many students in the school? I was watching a tv show last night, and it involved a school with over 3,000 students...(the show was fiction, but of course, based on reality) I was telling my husband that it ought to be against the law or something for that many students to be enrolled in one school...it just somehow seems wrong...I know that's likely not the answer, but I just think that kids get short-shrifted in a school of that size. My girls went to both...a huge school with over 2000 students, and then a small school, with only a little over 200 kids from grades 7 thru 12...Cathi's senior class was only 18 kids...and the smaller seemed much better. I guess there's pros and cons...

Well, yesterday I put off til tomorrow what I should have done yesterday, and now it is that tomorrow and it is pouring rain, but I have to go grocery shopping no matter what the weather...i"ll never learn!

catch you all later... thinking of all of you, as always...

love and peace, all, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

So glad that the tape recorder is a good plan. Now you could have Mariah put some books on tape, using a bell or some simple sound for the page turning cue, and you could buy the book, put it in a gallon zip lock, with the tape and voila/ you have books on tape. It will encourage Mariah to read well, and be a gift of a story to her little sister and brother, or to cousins elsewhere.

As far as remembering one minute and not the next, you keep those lessons to 5 minutes. Tell her we are going to work with money for 5 minutes, set the timer. When the timer goes off, let her draw or play ouside what ever, and tell her that you will call her back to the table for more money work in 30 minutes, then do so, and again give her a 5 minute time with the money. it may be as simple as just separating the money, putting all the pennies in this cup, all the nickles in this cup...Tactile, visual. There is a great math website to accomodate all three kids called

johnniesmathpage.com.

Go there and work at kindergarten to 9th grade. Games and learning that really is fun and sensible.

Also, a reading site,

starfall.com

This is a great site for beginners and those less strong with reading. Covers letter sounds and is a lot of fun. (no more than 30 min. per day on any one game.)

Another great site for spelling is

spelling safari.com,

lots of fun. Learning but not even aware of it.

So many places to reach for help, but too many all at once is overwhelming.

See you later, eyes are slamming. The rain is poring down, the temp is coming down as well, so HOORAY.

[Lost without my boy]

This year I am teaching Algebra II and Discrete math (Applied Math) to 11th & 12th graders at Ocean Township in New Jersey. I hope to visit the site more often, I just can't find the time with raising a 2 year old, teaching and going to grad school, but I'll try.

Michelle

My highschool had well over 3000 kids, our graduating class was 1000 when we entered in 1970, but down to 800 by 1974 due to drugs, drop-outs, and flunking. We were not over achievers, not our class, not at our school. I learned all about illegal drugs there, though it was my choice to go the 'high' road, I went out of my way to find out how one drug was compared to another, and since I was not at all good at school, I found this choice to be far more enticing. I lost friends along the way, litterally, died, ran away, went into institutions, and by the time I was 17, I started to figure that I needed to do less drugs, more reading.

Carol, sorry that Jaimie is having anxiety. HOw old again? I would contact the social worker at school to alert her/him. I would also do what his Mom is planning, go back to therapy. I know I sound like a therapy-pusher, but boy, to be able to work some of the complicated stuff out when you are young rather than try to untangle it when you are an adult? And let's face it, many adults simply will not untangle it because they will not face therapy. I wish I could help. Carol, beautiful words about your heart doing a double flip...

I have a fun class but oh my goodness guys, I had to nap when I got home at 5:00, had to. Just a half hour but there was no way I could have made it up to a decent hour before bed.

Michelle, where do you live? Tell us what you teach? I wish you luck in your school year Dear, and I am so glad that you are finding this place a good spot for you.

Lorrie, drink some water and that is that. Every hour have a small glass of water, then a small glass of grape juice or lemonade, then in an hour another water...my sis almost died from not taking in fluids, she never felt thirsty, and it was a long road to recovery, which as you know, you do not need. Time to take better care of you, the walk is a great start, and the plastic doghnuts, well what the hell, you are entitled. Just try to move for 30 minutes tomorrow too, the release of endorphins cannot be beat,, helping you find a bit of a better feeling inside. Love you.

[rlolheiser]

Hello to everyone.

Sorry it took so long to get back online. Yesterday was a mess, it just frustrates me to know that somebody who has been in trouble and on probation, can have 2 dirty UAs and still not get arrested. My daughter even tried calling it in to his probation officer, told him he was beating her.. and the man still wouldn't arrest him. He said that her boyfriend already spent 12 years in the pen, nothing was going to help him. I am at a loss for words, that the probation officer knew about my grandaughters beating, my daughter's beating.. they baby getting hit.. and still nothing got done..

So.. another beating.. a knife pulled, and my daughter finally went to domestic violence. it took them all day to get to get the restraining order..it never got signed but the boyfriend is in jail. nobody knows how long, he gets a bond hearing tomorrow, and one of the girlfriends is going to bail him out I heard tonight... so I dig my heels in and get ready for a rocky road. The social worker told my daughter that if she hadn't left the boyfriend, they were going to take the children away.. So.. I hope that all our prayers get answered yet.. stay answered.. thank you for all the caring.. all the prayers.. all the hope.. I really have hope now.. I have my little girl home, and I will do what I can to get her head clear again, and make her the vibrant woman she used to be.

Carol, i read your posts.. I am thinking of you and pray Ralph does ok.. I hope you do ok, I know you must be worried.. I wish I could take your worry.. God Bless you.. and Ralph..

I should write more.. but I am tired.. not much sleep the last couple days.. and my old body is tired out.. I hope that things get back to normal.. Take care all of my BI family..

[ericasmom]

Michelle, I find it amazing that you have the energy for all you do, but I am glad that you do. Remember to be kind to yourself through this whole process, allow the tears when they trickle, allow the laughter when it bubbles up. Have fun with the little ones. Discreet math? New name for a subject I was terrible at at that level, but great at teaching for third graders.

LEAH, my goodness, what hard times and scary times, please be careful, our prayers and hope will be constant.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - You are wonderful! Thanks for the ideas. I will put them to use today!

Michelle - It's nice to meet you. I'm glad you found time to come back. You sound like a very busy lady!! I am so sorry you had to walk through the death of your beautiful baby, CJ. I love the name Mackenzie. Under your avatar it states you lost CJ on 10/21/10.....is it supposed to be 01?......I think you said the exact date in your first post upon returning, but my memory fails me.

Leah - Oh my goodness!! What an ordeal for all of you! I continue to pray the protection of the white light of Christ arround you, your daughter and those children....I also ask for protection in THAT light be extended to all of your family and your personal belongings including vehicles and homes. I ask that the powers of love surround Leah's daughter's boyfriend, causing him confusion of thought and action. May the same loving power that helped protect and keep my grandchildren safe be sent to you in this time of upheaval. May peace fill your hearts and joy return to your soul as healing begins.

Carol - Still praying!!

Kathy - I pray you are safe from the storm.

Betty - I just read, last night, your post in Stephanie's guest book on her memorial site. You are such a sweet soul! Thank you.

I find myself in another fork in the road of grief. I don't think it's a bad place. I don't know. I'm not angry. I don't think I'm any more or less sad than before. I'm afraid. Maybe that's it. Fear. Fear of whom God will call home next. Maybe. Maybe not. I feel joy again. I laugh again. I'm even planning again. Maybe even ready to pull weeds (maybe not).

That used to be Stephanie's response to everthing when she was a little girl....we'd ask if she wanted a cookie.......she'd answer, "Maybe yes, maybe no."

Time to get moving....

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

HEY GANG...HOW IS EVERYONE TODAY.....WOLE UP TO A GREAT MORNING HERE IN ARDMORE OKLAHOMA NOT TO HOT...LIL COOL...GONNA CHARGE MY PHONE AND GO WALKING...I PASSED OUT LAST NIGHT TOOK ONE OF KIMMYS PILLS (WHICH I WILL NOT TAKE AGAIN) AND FELT DRUNK WITHIN 30 MIN...THEN I WENT TO BED A PASSED OUT....DIDNT EVEN GET TO WATCH BIG BROTHER AFTER DARK.....

GOT KODY UP FOR SCHOOL BY LOVING ON HIM AND DOING SOME TICKLING (HE HAS TO BE THERE AT 9)...HES HARD TO GET UP BUT SO FAR NO FIGHTS GOING WELL....I NO HE WANTS TO SLEEP BUT HE HAS TO GET UP SO HARD TO MAKE HIM...

KIMBERLY MADE IT HOME FROM NEW ORLEANS SHE WAS SICK ONE DAY SHE WAS THERE...THROWNING UP....LUCKLY HER DAD (ROGER) WAS ALSO THERE FOR THE SHOW AND HE WAS ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HER...

PLEASE GOD TAKE CARE OF OUR RALPHIE GIVE CAROL THE STRENGTH TO STAY POSITIVE AND HEALTHY FOR HIM...HEAL HIM FROM HEAD TO THE TIPS OF HIS TOES.

[westleysmom]

Good morning all. I've been busy this week and just feel completely worn out spiritually. But I've been keeping up with you all and thinking of you daily.

Carol-Give Ralph big hugs from Tennessee. Hoping his doctors will listen when you tell them something's wrong from now on! You are a great patient advocate, there are so many people who just take what the Drs say as gospel. Take care of yourself, too.

Elaine-So glad you are back. I was worried when we didn't hear from you for a while that something bad was going on with you. But sometimes we just need to think and pray on our own. Moving so far is a big deal, I don't envy you that. It sounds like Betsy has some good ideas for you that I hope will help.

Dee-If I were you, I would have gone stark raving mad when all of that happened. Your strength and resilience are amazing and you are an inspiration to us all.

Susannah-Westley despised math, but for all that, he could do it pretty well. He just hated it the whole time. Good luck with the homework, I think you said they're a little behind because of all they've been through. With time and patience (on your part!) and with Dee's great advice, I'm sure they'll get caught up. You are a great Mom and I know Steph is proud of you.

Lorri-Getting those big boys up out of bed is hard on us old ladies! Westley was not a morning person either, he got in trouble at school for sleeping during first period once, although he probably did it every day. He didn't like to go to bed at night, and I guess the sleep apnea made him tired too. Loved the quilt pictures.

Kathy-Batten down the hatches and stay dry.

Michelle-I did grad school when my kids were bigger, you are a busy woman. It won't last forever, going to school, it will just seem like it does.

Leah-What does it take to convince these people that this is a dangerous man? It may NOTdo any good for him to be any prison for HIM, we're talking about what's good for society in general and your daughter and family's good in particular. Wishing you all good wishes in getting the mess straightened out.

Bonnie-Still crossing fingers for the preparations for Pinnacle Days to go well. I'm looking forward to knowing the all our Angels are there in spirit.

Trudi-Sorry you are missing time with your grandbaby. I pray that someday you will get to make up for lost time.

Well girls and boys, I've had a very emotional week, lots of silent tears and quiet moments. My class reunion is tomorrow night and we are going, but I think the turnout was going to be pretty small. Most of the people I went to school with around here know what happened, and I hope not to have to tell anyone myself. When we had our 10 year reunion, Westley was a small boy and I was worried about looking fat and old at that one. Something like this really changes your priorities, doesn't it? I still don't want to look old and fat, but I don't worry about it too much. I wish so bad he was here to make fun of us old people going to a party. Do you all do that? Imagine what your child would think of what you're doing now and what they would say? Sometimes when I do, I think my heart will stop beating, because I can see his grin and hear his laugh, but not quite. I look forward to the day when that can happen again for us all.