Loss of an Adult Child

[rlolheiser]

Hi everybody.

Sorry I didn't get checked in yesterday. It was busy getting the last of school stuff and waiting to hear from somebody. Not one person has contacted me. My daughter called, as of yet she is still in love with the boyfriend. I told her that she shouldn't hold anything back, with what she did, it was a cry for help and now is the time for her to get everything out, from anything I have done to her, to what she is living with at home. As she was growing up we had a song together.. I think the name was wind beneath my wings.. and I told her, she is still my hero, that sometimes heroes need help too. I had a difficult time when the girls were little and she helped me. I want to help her so much. I don't know what to do right now.

The kids left for school this morning, and mom isn't feeling to good today I would love to just lay down and sleep for a day or two but that is to be on hold.

Susannah, your posts really touch me, you say things that I have thought so much. Your not alone in this mixed up world. We don't know what to think of what has been dealt to us, and we can only do what we can do. You are amazing my friend. I know I have said that before, but you really are. As these days come and go, I pray your strength will be strong, and on the days it isn't lean on us. We all care so much for you and your family. You have all been here for me in my needy times, I wouldn't have made it without you. It is plain and simple.. the people I talk to here are not helpful, even my husband fails me so many times, though he has helped without words. I just know if I didn't have this place to come to I would have crashed hard by now and probably been where my daughter is now.

I am doing ok Betty, it seems everytime I get online somebody wants something from me. I would love to address each and everyone of you because what you all say is important. I haven't had much time to explore the new site and I hope soon I can get to know it.

Dee, I hope school goes great for you and your class this year, I think your students are lucky to have such a loving teacher.

Greg, I wish your mom peace.. these past years with my mom makes me see the elderly is such a different light and know the difficulty you must be going through. It is hard to watch our parents suffer. I pray you and yours the strength to go through this time in life.

Carol, I hope that things are going well for you and Ralph, your always in my thoughts.

I know I have so many people I want to address.. Just remember..I may not address each need, or wonderful person here.. I still read, and [pray and want nothing more for you to make it through your struggles, to find some bit of sunshine in your world. I feel really close to our angels.. When I get the chance at night I sneak out to the deck and just talk with them about the day.. and I feel peace.

Take care everybody.. your not alone

[krichie]

I had to share what Shavelle said at Doctors the other day. I keep hearing it thru out the day and makes me cry and smile.

The Dr had to of course listenm to her heart and when he asked . "Is it ok if I hear your heart ?" her littel voice says lound and clear

" Your going to listen to my Daddy!" " tell him I miss him"

I broke down and cried in the office and still do when I remember it. We have always told her when she asked about Richie that he was in her heart and would always be there and she remembers

I kind of wish I had a tape of him saying he loves her so I could somehow hook it up to a stephascope and she could hear her heart

[Guest msnher]

My m.o. run away...hide. Get mad. That's me. I'm sorry that I ran away from you all, if only for a few hours. Boy did I cry last night!! There had to be a dozen kleanex in my grieving chair this morning! I am immature...no doubt. I'm still angry at my girl and cant put her picture back, yet.

First and foremost.......thank you! Thank you krichie for sharing your experience, strength and hope. I cried as I read your words. I just wish it had all been so different....I'm sure you understand.

Dee - what a wise woman you are, too...Carol...your words brought tears to my eyes, too. Betty and your soft heart....Leah....Lynn....we're in this together, aren't we? I'm glad for that!

All of you!

I can't put my finger on why the videos affected me like they did. The shock of seeing her and hearing her voice....new pictures...new words. And, they weren't to her children or me. I delivered a message to a very special friend from her angel recently but there was no message directly FOR the family...the mother...the sister and brother. Don't you think they should be giving us messages first?

The first words out of Jonathon's mouth when he wroke up this morning were, "I want my mommy." I hugged him and said, "I know, Baby!"

They looked so cute for their first day of school. Jasmine woke with a huge cancor sore in her mouth, though. Ouch!! I put powdered alm on it. For those of you who can it is the stuff you use to turn cucumbers into pickles. Burns like a son of a gun, but works like a charm.

You know.....I understand why people throw fits and break things when someone dies. I haven't done that. I won't do that (I have to clean it up)...but, I get it.

No. Raising her kids was not what we had planned, but it was very much our choice. We spent $20,000.00 to fight for them. We would have spent every last dime, if we had to. And, now their ours. They are safe. They have new clothes. Their body's are clean...their hair fixed cute. Jasmine looked at me yesterday, while we had company, and said, "I'm still mad at you, Grandma!" I told her it was okay but she still had to do what I said......and, then she did. They are safe to say that to me.

The videos.....the mother killing her children....the sadness of my heart in her life and death.......the sadness for her children....

I just had a "come apart" as my sisters would say.

The morning after such a night sucks. Headache....tired....

I loved her so much!!!! I still do. I wish........oh, how I wish!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mother

[lolynbo]

AS LYNN SAID I FEEL THE SAME...I HAVE ALOT OF ANGER TOO, WHY KOURTNEY, IF , AND ONLYS....THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS LYING IN BED AND IT JUST CAME OVER ME..THE ANGER....I HATE IT...HATE THAT IT HAPPENED..AND MY GIRL IS GONE...

NEVER APPOLOGIZE ON HER...WE CANT HELP OUR OCEAN OF EMOTION FEELINGS THEY CHANGE WITH THE TIDE..AND THE WIND...

[westleysmom]

Colleen-You are doing the best you can with this and I think you did the right thing by letting someone official know. Hopefully, they will still let him stay with you, since you are able and willing to. I hope it all works out.

Susannah-I have had some angry days too here lately. You have had so much to bear this past year, and way before that. There's no need to apologize for saying the things that we have thought too or will think or are right now thinking. Hugs to you on your crying hangover.

I bought a book last summer/fall called "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children". I knew Westley was drinking, and I knew he was sometimes driving afterward and it terrified me. I know drinking is something that everybody has a choice about, but he was underage and had been in trouble before and since he couldn't do it at my house, he would go somewhere else to drink. But, he unlike all his friends, had a job, and he couldn't get up in the a.m. without us dragging him out of bed. He had sleep apnea, but he refused to wear his cpap machine. And he stayed out so late that he wasn't getting enough sleep. I laid awake nights listening for his car radio, which he played very loud. He wrecked one night in September, flipped his truck, totalled it and smelled of alcohol when we got there. Our families didn't know about all of the times things like this happened, only when they had to were they told about things like this. I thought that he would die in a car wreck, he had so many. I was so afraid that he would kill someone else too. I told him on Monday night, Jan 11 that he was going to have to find somewhere else to live, I couldn't keep doing this, he had to stop driving after he had been drinking and was so tired. He agreed and he tried to hug me and kiss me goodnight. But I was so angry at him, I told him to just go to bed. I'm sure I've told you this before. I didn't see him the next morning, because I was so tired, my husband got him up for work. He didn't come home after work, but we spoke on the phone around 9:30 and said "I love you" to each other. That evening my husband and I talked about telling the girl that was renting from us that she was going to have to move out, so that we could rent the trailer to Westley. I was going to tell him that when he got home, but I didn't because he was making me so mad. I wonder if I had told him we were trying to find him a place to live where he wouldn't have to drive after drinking, that things would have been different. I blame myself for not telling him that. He had the equivalent of 2 beers and, some kind of prescription painkiller in his system. With the sleep apnea, it was too much. Like I said my family doesn't know all the stuff that went on the last couple of years, and I see no reason to tell them now. I think I should have gotten him treatment, looking back, I think he might have been an alcoholic. I'm afraid if my family knew all of this, they would blame me too. I tried so hard to change things, to make it turn out right, and I failed. That's what haunts me most. If he had lived, would he have killed an entire family on their way home late on night? Could he have lived with himself if it had happened? I think of his first tattoo that said "Death Before Dishonor" and I wonder.

I finished my banner amidst great crying and will try to get it off to Bonnie today.

Take care all and know you all are in my heart

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[daveydow1]

Greg----I wish a peaceful passing for your dear mom. No matter what the age, we miss them a lot. I had

an elderly friend, Virginia, who was a widow, and in a nursing home....dying from cancer. I went to see

her and we talked. I asked how it was in the nursing home. She replied that the care was good & all, and

the caregivers were so nice, but it was "kind of boring"....were her words. Then she said that she was

just "so tired". (she was 88). She sent me condolences when Davey died, and then she passed away

4 mo. later. Prayers for your dear mother, and your family.

Susannah----Oh....canning tomatoes when pregnant. I, too, did that when I was pregnant with my first

child....helping my dear mother-in-law. I ended up so sick.....morning sickness...and for a long time could

not stand tomatoe juice etc. I'm so glad you can come here and vent on all the stress/anger you felt/feel

regarding stephanie, and all the hardships your family and the children have gone through. As someone

else said----we don't judge people here. I'm glad that you are feeling somewhat better today. You are,

indeed, a special person to keep on keeping on when you have had so much adversity to overcome. I

wish the best for you and the children. Bless their little hearts. You & your husband are the rock that they

can count on---the steady, "always there" for them. I think they will do OK, but at the same time know that

they will always miss their dear mom, Stephanie....your sweet daughter.

Dee-----Good luck with the new school year. Your telling about Michael's last moments before he left, and the

gray sky opening up into a pink glow----Michael passing----and dear ERz there to welcome him is so touching.

There are many sights, sounds, and other 'visions' that can tell us that our loved ones are near. Sometimes

I think we may be just a bit too 'busy' with day-in day-out stuff to "catch" these special moments. I am going

to make a special effort to just try to 'see' some of them. My husband & I walked back to the woods today,

and on the way back, I just looked at the scene before me. Cornfield 8 ft. high to my right, soybean field to

my left, blue sky w/ puffy clouds, red barns, woods by the soybeans, and a lone bird in the woods making his

call. Ahhhhh it was nice.

Leah----Oh, so sorry, my friend, to hear of your daughters attempt at suicide. But am so glad that you were able

to get her to the hospital in time, and that she can now get some help for her poor tortured soul. I do hope that

the bad boyfriend somehow gets "out of the picture", and leaves you & the children alone. I believe that it is a

"power play" on his part to want to get the children away from you. You are so right to try to keep a step ahead

of him. I send prayers, friend. Come often to BI and let us know how you are doing. Peace to you.

Rhonda----Sorry to hear that you are weary and drained. Yes, this road makes one very tired and drained at times.

Our souls seem to be crying out for peace & some sanctuary where we can rest. My thoughts & prayers are for you.

Betty-----Your cactus sounds nice. My husband has several of them which he bought for $2 or less as little bitty things,

and now they are growing well. We have to keep the grandies away from them, though.

Sonya---Sorry to learn of your dad's uncle's death. Prayers for the family.

Lorri---Also, sorry to hear of the little boy Trevor's death, and the young woman who died from cancer.

Kathy-----It's good that you have gotten to the bottom of the incident with Tav and the other child at the camp. Yes,

children do lie....and the other boy probably wanted to place the blame onto Tavian. I think it is so wise of you to

get him back into counseling, so that if and when another incident may happen....as it often does with kids......that he

may be better able to handle the situation. He will no doubt learn, from his counselors, that there are 'better' ways

to handle anger, with a more acceptable result. Prayers for him....he's been through a lot of sadness in his young life.

Jenn---Such a nice new avatar of your darling little Jeffrey.

Trudi---congrats to Melissa for the 1,000 steps---and for yours too. Peace to you.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmon, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

June 29, 2010...adoption day...Me, Gary, Jonathon, Mariah and Jasmine

and first day of school....today...and Grandpa, Little Curtis and Kaylee.

[krichie]

Sue =Love thos pictures espeacilly the adoption day photo. You are gonna make a new beautifull family. For first day school pictures the oldest looks a little nervous the youngest like it no big deal and the middle girl like she can't wait to socialize.

[ModKonnie]

June 29, 2010...adoption day...Me, Gary, Jonathon, Mariah and Jasmine

and first day of school....today...and Grandpa, Little Curtis and Kaylee.

Awwwwww. those photos are precious, particularly the one of Jasmine, whose smile made me smile.

[josephsmom90]

Hi Indigo's,

Was just reading that stuff called the 'news' more on the SC mother who killed her babies. As I read the story and looked at the pitures of the little babies, so sweet looking, so innocent, I'd have taken em in a flash! Then I started to cry, I relalized they have seen Joseph, they are with God in heaven! They have seen all of our children.

[hotrod]

Dear Indigo Family

I am humbled by the moving outpouring of your hearts and souls as you each reached out to help an "indigo" in distress!! I have never experienced such Family Loyalty, Honesty and Compassion!! Dee, Carol, Trudie, Rhonda Krichiemom, Sherry , Lynn, Lorrie it is a true gift to be part of this group.

Dear Susannah Thank you for posting the wonderful pictures of your sweet family. How proud the children look in their new cloths, as they prepare to go out on the first day of school and on "Adoption" Day. I was also so touched by the beautiful name of each child!! It feels as if much thought went in to the selection

Jasmine,. Mariah, Kaylee, Johnathan and Curtis . You and Gary are certainly very special people.

Rhonda I am so glad you finished your Flag. Westley will fly free with all the Angels at Pinnacle Day!!

Thanks for sharing a little more of Westley's young life It endears him to us !!. The last 2 years of Stephen's life I forced 3 detoxs and rehabs on him. They were not successful

Leah Glad you are here and that you and daughter are talking. I understand "The Hero" thoughts.You are so right , sometimes Hero's need help too. That is why we need to come here. I pray that you and she find the right road. Rest and do take care of yourself

Betsy,I do hope your back is holding out and that the unpacking is going well.

I am off to my grief support group

You are all, always in prayers.

[lolynbo]

WOW UR ABLE TO POST MULTI PICS AND I CANT POST ONE.....

WENT TO FUNERAL HOME SHANNON LOOKED BEAUTIFUL...AND PEACEFUL....

GOT MY STITCHES OUT TODAY...THEY ARE COMING ALONG...NOT HEALED BUT BETTER.....

[lolynbo]

DID I ACTUALLY POST A PIC????

MMMM GUESS NOT...GREAT

[hotrod]

Lorrie YES!!!!Your picture posted !!!

Click on the image --WAIT A FEW SECONDS and it will enlarge to Beautiful Kourtney and Brent!!! Great news!!

:Take care glad the stiches are out and that you are one step closer to good physical health

[ericasmom]

It posted, just click on it Sweetie. SHe is so beautiful that little Kourtney.

love,

dee

[lolynbo]

[size="4"]

BUT I CAN SEE THE OTHER PICS WITHOUT CLICKN ON IT..???????? ANYONE NO WHY

[Eric]

[size="4"]

BUT I CAN SEE THE OTHER PICS WITHOUT CLICKN ON IT..???????? ANYONE NO WHY

Thats just the forum being finicky. Sometimes it can show a thumbnail(the small picture before you click on it) and sometimes it can't. If you click on your picture it will you the picture you uploaded so you did do everything correctly!

[daveydow1]

Lorrie-----Great pic of Kourtney & Brent.

Susannah----Also.......such a nice pic of you and Stephanie on her wedding day.

Hope all Indigoes have a good night's rest, and maybe even a nice dream or two.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

WELL MY BABY STARTS SCHOOL FRIDAY..HE WILL BE A SENIOR...I TOLD EVERYONE (WHO IS PUTIN UP PICS OF THEIR LIL ONES FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) THAT IM PUTTIN MY BABY UP..TOO...ANND U NO I WILL...LOL

CAN U BELIEVE I HAVE 39 DAYS TIL OUR CRUISE...WOW TIME JUST KEEPS ROLLIN...

HOPE TAVIAN IS DOING BETTER KATHY IN SCHOOL...EVEN THOUGH TO ME HE IS PERFECT...LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT LIL ONE...

OH MY GOSH LOOK WHAT I DID...A PIC...

[Guest msnher]

WOOT - HOOT WOO - HOO HURRAY YEAH SHE DID IT

Way to go, Lorri!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grief. I guess. Can I just blame grief? Still sad. But, I had a decent day. The kids had a wonderful day at school. After dinner and studies were done, Jonathon and Jasmine played outside in the yard that was just rototilled (sp?) this morning (we're getting a sprinkler system and sod put in the back and front). There must have been an inch of dirt left in each tub after their baths. They are allowed to read for 30 minutes before lights out, quietly in their beds. Mariah chose the book, Twilight. We bought the Nancy Drew series for her, but...Nancy just isn't Edward or Jake.

I can't talk about Stephanie right now. I had turned a corner in my grief.....a better corner. But, there was another corner after the better one. It will take some time to process this new "fork in the road". Thankfully, I have an appointment with my counselor on Monday!

Rest well, my friends!

Susannah

[ericasmom]

There are many forks in the road Susannah, and they always seem to surprise us, as though somehow, we did not remember the to-the-knees-pain- we have picked ourselves up from before. I think though, that that is the good news. That because we begin to live again, we get slammed when we reach the fork in the road or are met by some new adversity, but the good news is, we began to live again. WE began to have priorities and make plans for the weekends again. That my dear is progress. Yes, it does mean getting slammed from time to time, when we need to revisit some of our grief and view it anew. But imagine if we never began to live again in order to not be slammed? That would be the saddest news to everyone that loves you. Especially your Girl, Stephanie.

Sherry Dear, I would like very much to have a good night of sleep, have missed out on that for several nights as I do before school starts. Sweet dreams to you and to all,

dee

[shorty16]

Indigos

The Social Worker is coming to our home today to talk with Trevor. I told Trevor "Just tell the Truth, then you will not have to remember anything"

I am kinds nervous for him - Please pray for us.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[heartbeataway]

Thats just the forum being finicky. Sometimes it can show a thumbnail(the small picture before you click on it) and sometimes it can't. If you click on your picture it will you the picture you uploaded so you did do everything correctly!

My personal take is that it has to do with the size of the picture you upload.

[ericasmom]

SIZE MATTERS apparently! Bonnie, are you having storms today, did I hear that on the news? Be careful.

Col, I forgot to address your issue yesterday. I think that you are being brave and smart about the whole friend over thing. I know that you must be feeling nervous, so must he. I know that you don't want to disappoint your Son nor Trevor, but you do have to cover your back. I hope that the person that comes out can see that Trevor being with you guys is good, that school is nearby, that he has a connection with you. He is close in proximity to his family but simply is not able to live with them right now for whatever reason. Being with you guys will better ensure that he stay in school and be nurtured.

Prayers to you all.

I am going for a bike ride this morning with my teacher Buddy, Kris, and then home to shower, back to school to work, and off for a haircut. Busy days are these.

Carol hoping that the trip to the doctors with Ralph is one filled with good news. Fingers crossed,

[heartbeataway]

There is so much pain .......

I want to do something to help with the despair and the brokenness that has been looming so large lately. Nothing will ever help us understand why our children are no longer with us.

But, recently, I've had some things present themselves that I have found helpful so I'll try to share a little with you with the hope that they may prove helpful to you also.

Susannah,

Getting angry is a step in the grief process. Rant on my fair lady if it means things will get softer for you! I have yet to get angry. I seem to stay in a state of disbelief.

Sometimes being angry and screaming at God is okay! But living comes with risks ...... that's life. I don't believe that "God" took our children. Why do we blame "God"? Why do we say "God" made our children sick or didn't protect them?

Jason died in the morning right after waking up. My last thoughts before going to sleep the night before was a prayer to "God" to keep him safe. I knew he was camping and jeeping. And the next morning, I woke and the first thing that ran through my mind was Jason. Didn't know it at the time but after finding out he was gone, I realized that my waking thoughts were about the time he was leaving this plane and moving to a higher one .

I simply believe that we had something beautiful and amazing in our life even though it only lasted 31 years ...... I am grateful for those 31 years. I will forever be grateful for those 31 years!

When I get a bad case of the woes is me, I try to regroup and stay in grateful mode. When I think about the future and get the "OMG, who is going to take care of us when we're too old to do it ourselves" scary thoughts, I try to remember grateful and rest in the knowledge that he is still with us in spirit. I strongly believe that he is with us in spirit. We just have to tune in and be aware.

Jason would be so disappointed in us if we continued to wallow in our grief. So, for him we try to make differences. We get up in the morning and we breathe in and out. We think about the future even though the thoughts at times are scary and sad. We do what we can to make him proud of us and we continue to be proud of him.

"God"? I also believe there is a higher force out there somewhere. "God" is so big and we are so small. But, our son is out there with him somewhere ......

That gives me comfort.

So, until the day I close my eyes and breathe in and out for the last time, I am going to be the person my son loved and was proud of. That person was not angry, didn't walk around with a bad case of "the woes is me" and tried to live in and with love. Zig Ziglar advocated having "an attitude of gratitude" so, I just try to remember to be grateful for all that I have and all that I had ......

[heartbeataway]

Indigos

The Social Worker is coming to our home today to talk with Trevor. I told Trevor "Just tell the Truth, then you will not have to remember anything"

I am kinds nervous for him - Please pray for us.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

You are doing the right thing ......

And yes, Trevor should tell the truth. It's the right thing to do! When we had our training to be foster parents, one thing you learn is that regardless of what happened to a child, they always want to be home. It's what they know. It's home and it's where they're history lives.

As a rule, parents don't just kick their kids out. So, finding that out will be important to the situation and also to the children still in the home.

The children in the home were not placed there without training, background checks, etc ......

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You're doing the healthy thing and Trevor will be better for it.

You're making a difference!

[jefferysmommy]

Good morning, Indigos,

Been doing a lot of driving the last 2 days to visit customer sites, but today I am back working from home.

Susannah, so glad that you were able to come here and get those words out, they needed to come out and though you have come to a fork in your road, you will follow your heart and make the best next steps. Big Hugs for you. By the way, I loved the pics, Jess doesn't start school till the 7th of Septemeber here it is always the first Tuesday after Labor Day. Devin is in daycare, but the daycare does follow a different schedule in the school year then they do in the summer, but I will post pics of them when the time comes.

Lorri: Woo Hoo!! Awesome pics, so glad that you were finally able to post!! I'm going to give it a shot here too.

Rhonda: Thank you for sharing Westley with us, it's nice to gain a better understanding of all our angels.

Colleen: You are doing the right thing, and you are correct by saying, tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember anything, I always tell my daughter that, don't feel like a shmuck, things will work out, for both you and your family and Trevor, and what needs to happen is what is best for Trevor in his situation, I was kicked out when I was 16 years old, and though I am in Canada things may be a litte different, however, I moved in with a friend and her family, and her mom went and found out how to keep me as a foster child, so I was there legally, is that something you can look into as well? Keep us posted on how the meeting goes.

Carol: It always bothered me when people made saints out of those that past away, I remember at Jeffery's funeral, his paternal grandmother was talking about him, to one of the guests, as many people never got the chance to meet Jeffery, and she said, oh he was such a good sleeper, slept right through the night...First, he never slept through the night, second he had his nights and days mixed up, so he did sleep well in the day, but no matter what his issues were, I loved him, out of my 3, Jessica, my now 16 year old, was perfect, she never talked back, slept through the night when she was really young, ate well, you name it she was so good, my boys, however, not so much, but no matter what Jeffery was like, he wasn't as easy as Jessica, but I would give anything to hear him scream again. I guess I rambled a lot here, so my point is, I can't remember him for who he wasn't, he was what he was, and I loved him for it.

KRichie: Thank you for sharing a bit of your past with you, so glad that you have come through it, addictions are such a hard thing to overcome. Big Hugs for you. Also, what Shavelle said about listening to her dadday, is just so sweet.

Leah: What beautiful words about you and your daughter and her being your hero, I'm praying for you and would like to send you a big hug. Stay safe and be careful.

Bonnie: Loved your words, you are such a sweet woman, I have been down anger, sadness and woe is me, I know all those feelings all to well. You are amazing, what you wrote was very comforting.

Dee: I do hope that you get some rest before school starts, so glad that you are ready and organzied. By the way, not last night but the night before, I was out for a smoke and looked up in the sky and it was brilliant shade of pink, I thought of Eri and you. Also been seeing a ton of dragonflies lately, they are amazing.

Betty: I agree with you, it was so nice to see everyone helping out, and all the compassion on BI.

Kathy: So glad to hear about Tavian, counseling is still a good idea, I'm sure. Lorri was right. Tavian is a great kid, actually told you why he did what he did, but put no blame on the other kid that started it all. Amazing kid...

I know that there was some talk of tatoo's and I wanted to share mine with you, it is Jeffery on a cloud on my ankle. Yes it hurt, a lot, I'm a wimp...but I thought, I could do at least that much for Jeffery. Also, that pain wasn't even close to the pain of losing him.

[heartbeataway]

I know that there was some talk of tatoo's and I wanted to share mine with you, it is Jeffery on a cloud on my ankle. Yes it hurt, a lot, I'm a wimp...but I thought, I could do at least that much for Jeffery. Also, that pain wasn't even close to the pain of losing him.

Jenn,

What a sweet tat! How did you come up with the design? Love it!! I'll try to get a picture of mine and share it.

Thanks for your kind words also. I was just trying to help ...... there is so much pain .......

[lolynbo]

WISH THE PICS WOULD POST BIGGER...CANT MAKE SOME OUT

[daniellemom]

I'm still trying to catch up to no avail but maybe in the next couple of days.

Jeffery's Mom - The tat is nice. I've been wanting one but just can't decide. Maybe that's what I should get myself for my birthday.

Bonnie - What you said was so true, I too try to live like Danielle would have wanted me to, like I did before. Danielle loved to laugh, so I try to laugh each day. I think Jason and Danielle are proud of their Moms!

Colleen - Good luck with Trevor. You are doing the right thing, you are such a wonderful person!

Carol - Good luck with your appointments my prayers are with you.

Krichie - Love what your granddaughter said. And your husband's tat is very nice!

Dee - Good luck with school. Mattie starts on the 25th. Open house is Monday and we will go meet her teachers. I know them both. She is going to change classrooms this year. The school has been doing the changing classes but only for 5th grade, we are getting a new principal and she is going to try it with 3rd - 5th. So Mattie's Kindergarten teacher who I love, is going to be teaching the Math and Science and Mattie's 2nd grade teacher's assistance she recived her degree last year to teach will teach English and something Socal Studies? James started classes yesterday, he was excited a Jr. this year. I can't beleive that!

Betty - You are so right about the group of people helping everyone on here. You are one of the ones that helps me still! If I ever get to NY I'm going to look you up! Not that I'm a traveling.

Sherry - I've not done much canning this year the garden just burned up. The tomatoes are starting to produce again so we put up 11 quarts the other night. I've also put up about 35 quarts of purple hull peas but that's all so no green beans yet. We did plant a late crop and I've got my fingers crossed that I can can at least 50 - 100.

Sus - Glad the kids had a great first day of school. Sorry you are in the fork or the road. You will do what is best I'm sure. You have not written anything that all of us have not at least crossed our minds.

Kathy - Glad you got to talk with your Mom and your Dad seems to be coming around for the move. How is BJ doing?

Greg - My thoughts and prayers are with you while you are going thru this with your Mom.

I guess that's enough of me for one day. Sorry so long.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Jenn I love the tat!!! I have not had the courage to get one!! Stephen had many!! His first was a Large Cross with the words "In Memory of "Dad" ( This pained me each time I saw it) the rest followed. Huge Picture of Race car, Girlfriend etc. They do Henna tats here in the Village and i have considered that They only last 3 weeks and are only inked in!!

Bonnie beautiful words that are so very true Thanks

Sonya Wow 11 Qts of Tomatoes and 35 Qts of Peas you and Sherry are amazing If you ever do travel would love to see you. Speaking of travel I have a story to tell!!

I would just like to share that I reached a huge turning point yesterday and although I cannot believe I actually did this I am happy and excited.

Before Stephen became ill and I was preparing to retire. I had a once in a lifetime trip planned. It was on my " Bucket List " . Needless to say, all plans were shelved and I went into rescue mode for 3 years.

After Stephen passed, I could not even think of taking a trip or going to the airport.

Yesterday I went to the travel agent and booked the exact same trip I was going to take 6 years ago. It is a direct flight to Istanbul with 3 days there and then a flight to Egypt with a cruise down the Nile (like Cleopatra) I will be leaving Sept 8 for 2 weeks and believe it or not "I am Excited". I do hope I do not cancel and can keep up the momentum

Thanks for being here and helping me get to this spot!!!

Leah, Susannah, Carol and all Indigos In my thoughts and prayers.

[heartbeataway]

WISH THE PICS WOULD POST BIGGER...CANT MAKE SOME OUT

Lori,

Click ONCE on the pictures and they will enlarge. Click twice and you get nothing. ;-)

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning Indigos

Yesterday I went to the travel agent and booked the exact same trip I was going to take 6 years ago. It is a direct flight to Istanbul with 3 days there and then a flight to Egypt with a cruise down the Nile (like Cleopatra) I will be leaving Sept 8 for 2 weeks and believe it or not "I am Excited". I do hope I do not cancel and can keep up the momentum

Thanks for being here and helping me get to this spot!!!

Betty!

How cool is this! Share your motivation for the spots you're visiting. I'm fascinated and jealous! You go girl!! Or, should I say "Cleo"?

!!!!!!!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D!!!!!!!

[heartbeataway]

RE: SIZE MATTERS apparently! Bonnie, are you having storms today, did I hear that on the news? Be careful.

Dee,

We had lots of rain,( yeah!) The bad storms were all around us. It was so sad to me to see these decades big old beautiful trees that had fallen over.

[shorty16]

Jefferysmommy

Trevor will be 18 Jan of 2011. By the time I go through the foster parent classes, it would not be relevant (I already checked).

We all like Trevor and he seems to be flurishing in our home. Gets along, helps out, is respectfull, funny etc. What I think will happen is he will have his residence with his older brother (about 30 blocks from us) until he is 18. During this time, I will call the older brother and ask permission to have Trevor visit us. This will go on until Jan of 2011 when Trevor can make his own decision.

He is starting his junior year of HS, how can someone kick a kid out that is only a Junior??!!??

This is how I think it will go - a minor hick-up in the road of life.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Colleen-It is unbelievable to me that anyone would kick their own son out. I'm so glad that you are there for him and I'm sure its helping your family too.

Jenn-Your tatoo of Jeffrey is so sweet and I love the picture with the hat, if I didn't say so before. Such an angel.

Betty-Good for you. It sounds so exciting, I hope you don't chicken out too, so we can see pictures.

Sonya-I know what you mean, if I miss a little while, I can hardly get caught up. But even when I'm not posting, I try to check in so I don't get too behind! I've never canned anything in my life. I just buy stuff at the store or take mercy vegetables from my family. They do that kind of stuff, but I just never got into it. But home-canned is so much better. Tomatoes didn't do good here this summer, but we did get a whole day of rain yesterday. So maybe late tomatoes will do better.

Lorri-Love the pictures, I can get most of them to show up, even if they just look like a black square at first.

Bonnie-Thank you for the words of encouragement. I've been very sad lately, just you know, sad. I want to be less sad, but somehow its just not been happening. I put the banner in the mail to you yesterday in a big flat package, so hopefully it will get to you intact.

Betsy-Hope you are getting all settled in to the new place.

Carol-Hope the Dr's appts are going okay and you get nothing but good news.

Sus-I loved the pictures of first day of school. That was a tradition at my house, too.

I know I leave people out every time I post, but know that my thoughts are with you all

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[Guest msnher]

Hi Indigo's...

Just letting you all know I'm here and okay...trying to analyze instead of just flowing with it....I should know better by now.

Colleen - I wish the best for Travis and his family. He's lucky he has you. Bonnie had wise words of experience to share.

I do believe God took Stephanie. Even if he didn't take her....he had the power to stop it, and chose not to...so, in the end he's responsible. Either God is or he isn't. He's either all powerful or he's a wimp. He's either all knowing or incredibly stupid. I don't buy into the Satan/Devil idealology at all. I think we humans make our own choices and suffer the consequences of our actions. I believe in good and in evil. They both exist. Obviously. But, to think that God allows the "righteous" to suffer so the wicked can be judged (I prefer the innocent to suffer so the wicked can be judged) seems so horrendous sometimes.

The news of the mother killing her two beautiful babies combined with my own childhood and the suffering of my grandchildren and Stephanie's life and death caused me to attack the very power that created me. I'm okay with that. He (or she) is okay with that, too.

In the end love is all that matters. Love. Period. Stephanie put us through hell. Yet, I love her with every fiber of my being. I ache for her tortured life. I mourn not being able to see her smile, hear her laugh, hug her again. Yet, I'm grateful I don't have to worry about where she is and what she's doing. I haven't received a frantic, chaotic, dramatic, hysterical call in over a year. I haven't received one of those sad, quiet calls that just say, "Hi Mom...I just called to tell you I love you." Those calls were almost worse because I knew something was wrong, but she wasn't telling me. And, I quit asking...

The other day it was easier to go into a rage at God than to feel the incredible pain of losing my daughter.....knowing she is happier without me, where she is, than I was ever able to make her while she were here. Perhaps the times she was happy, here, were always overshadowed with the fear of what was really happening. She told us that after one of our happiest times together as a family, her husband beat the hell out of her for having a good time with us. I can't look at those pictures without knowing what happened to her after she went home.

Then, I hold my fist to the heavens and tell God he should have done something. THEN. He should have taken evil completely out of the world...like, NOW.

And, I return to my core belief. My own knowing.....not your knowing....no body has to agree with me....It's my own truth.........that God is. I have to remember this life is so very short. Not all there is at all. In fact, much LESS than all there is. But, when I'm in pain my pain is all there is. Absolute truth. God failed. No hope. And, until that pain eases, I have no way of reconciling myself to the most important part of my life....my creator.

The truth is.........I feel as badly for that mother, maybe even more so, now, as I do for her children. I am as angry at her mother (the grandmother) as I am at myself. And, I fear for the remaining 5 yr old. That's the case in the news, but there are so many...way too many...more we don't hear about....know about.

I MUST be at peace with my Creator (my own opinion of whom He/She is). I must or I cannot go on. It is the very foundation of my existence, my reason for being. The smile on my face, the joy in my heart....the pain in my gut.........all iof it a walk with him/her. All of it.

And, so, I talk alot about him/her.

If there is one thing I'm sure of is his absolute love for me. For you. For our angels. And, for the mother who killed her children.

Peace to all of you and thank you so much for being there (again) for me!!!

Susannah

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos Thanks for the good wishes I am excited

I have been thinking over my belief and my feelings about Stephen' life and my losing him and my husband at such an early age. I thought I would grow old with each in my home and now I am old and alone

!!

First and most important I believe this life is very very difficult and that my God's way is not mine. I view the softer easer route as my fall back position in a heartbeat and first choice. My God requires me to grow and expand my being. My long difficult path in life has produced many, many Blessings

I will never hope to understand God with my finite mind but I have chosen to believe and have faith and TRUST.

Stephen had a rich, full life and had reached many of his dreams.

I do believe that he had completed his mission here on earth, and I think that mission no doubt [was to bring me closer to my God I was very "far off" for a long time

These are just my musings on a huge topic

Thanks for letting me put it into writing

[daniellemom]

Betty - I'm so excited for you about the trip! That's is such great news. Again, what you wrote about Stephen and your life has helped me! What a women you are!

Rhonda - The canning was fun when I was younger and full of engery. Now my energy is gone and the garden just keeps getting bigger and bigger each year.

Sus - I also believe that God took Stephanie and Danielle, why I don't know! Please don't get mad at me but I believe everything God does he does for the better of his kingdom. I don't know why he needed Danielle and Stephanie. Sometimes I think Danielle would have had a hard life, and God was saving her from that. Again, this is just my opinion and please don't me upset with me.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lolynbo]

I have been thinking over my belief and my feelings about Stephen' life and my losing him and my husband at such an early age. I thought I would grow old with each in my home and now I am old and alone

YOUR NOT ALONE

[westleysmom]

Sonya-Do you have a birthday today? I'm still trying to figure out how to do things on here and I ended up on your profile or something and it said Aug 19 was your birthday. If that's right, Happy Birthday to you. I sometimes think too that Westley was going to have a hard life and that maybe God spared him that. My belief in God as all-powerful and all-knowing has taken a beating too and that's where a lot of my confusion and anger have come from. I just was looking at some quotes that kind of help.

Some things never make sense, but neither does God's love.-Patsy Engle

That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not.-James K. Fiebleman

and this one makes me think of all of us here and makes me want to try harder

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.-Washington Irving, The Sketch Book, 1820

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[daniellemom]

Rhonda - Love the quotes! They are very good. Today is my birthday. I think tomorrow is Mike's Birthday (Carol's son) I'm not sure about that but I think so.

[lolynbo]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR RHONDA...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

[daveydow1]

Bonnie----Thank you for reminding me that I need to be grateful for the years I had Dave......31 yrs., and also

the 6 short months that I had little Lisa. When grief closes in on us like a dark curtain, it's easy to forget

that we were, in fact, blessed to have our children no matter how short a time they were here with us.

That does not,.....as you said......take away the pain of the loss, but I do believe.....as you do.....that our dear

children are with us in spirit. They will always be with us in spirit, and in our hearts.

Sonya---I know what you mean about having a little less energy & enthusiasm for canning that we did in

years past. Wow......35 qt. of purple hull peas!! and 11 qt. of tomatoes. I canned 23 pints & 1 qt. of tomato

juice today. Only got 7 qt. of green beans canned from our garden. The whole garden is winding down now.

If I can more tomatoes, I will be going to the neighbor's farm to pick tomatoes to can. Hope your late crop

of green beans turn out well. I, too, sometimes feel like you feel.......that maybe God took Davey to spare

him a difficult life. He was not a very happy person, in ways, at the time he was killed. Mostly job frustration,

and a bit of 'girl troubles'. Basically he was OK, and pretty well-centered, but............oh, well.....I'm sure you

know what I mean. Peace to you, friend.

Jenn-----Oh what a lovely tatoo of Jeffrey on a cloud. I'm sure you feel that the pain of getting the tat was worth it.

Betty------Congrats on making the arrangements for your trip to Istanbul/Egypt, and a cruise down the Nile. How exotic

and exciting. Go.....and have a wonderful time. You deserve a nice vacation.

Dee-----Thanks for the site on "Canning"..........I bookmarked it for future reference.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RHONDA !!!!!

Peace to all here in the BI family.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

Wait, it's Sonya's Birthday, I just mentioned it! Believe me I don't need any extra ones. And Sherry, I'm also trying to remember in my pain that I was blessed to be Westley's mother. I wouldn't have missed being his "Mom" for anything and I thank God he let me. Sometimes I just forget how lucky I am.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[daveydow1]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SONYA !!!

Rhonda----Thanks for the reminder that it's Sonya's birthday.......Sorry,......

[lolynbo]

WELL HELL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SOMEONE...LOL NOW IM CONFUSED

[heartbeataway]

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ Happy Birthday Sonya !!! ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

[heartbeataway]

I had an email today from Carrie. She can't access BI ......

I wonder if anyone else is having problems. It's been awfully quiet the last couple of days .......

[rlolheiser]

Hi to all

I got to talk to my daughter's dr. He was going to let her out tomorrow. He told me that grieving is natural. I told him to hold on a minute. There was so much more than just the death of her daughter. I agreed that was when she totally lost it, but she is in an abusive relationship, with her children also being abused. I told him point blank that if he lets her out, she will be back, or worse she will succeed in dying herself. I didn't hold anything back, I also told him how disappointed in the system I was. I had been waiting for somebody to contact me about the children, but nothing has been said. The dr. had no idea of anything I had told him. I also told him I could give him names of other people that will back up my statement, don't let her out.. make her face her problems.. for the sake of her children. I told him I wanted him to talk with child services. I know my daughter will hate me over this, but it is something I have to face. I pray that it comes together somehow, but I don't trust the system. I want my family to find some sort of happiness, some safety. I can handle the problems this will bring, I can't handle my daughter being in this relationship, I can't handle sending my grandaughter back to that monster, I can't handle not knowing how the baby is.

I hope that one of these days, I can sit online for a bit. I hate dial up.. especially when I have to wait on important phone calls.

I am happy to see some of you finding a bit of sunshine in these dark days. I hope for many more good days for everybody.