Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

Well guys it looks like my Mom has had enough of this world and wants to be with my Dad and Brian.She has stopped eating and drinking and we have decided to have hospice start attending her.She's 95.God it's still hard.Brian treated her like a queen. I feel so bad that when she was at his funeral and was crying that she wished it was her so very loud i asked my sis to take her to the lounge. My Dad has been gone 50 years so I guess Mom's ready to be with him.

[briansdad]

This song says it all. The video is not mine.

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos

Greg I am so sorry that your mom has entered Hospice. What a beautiful picture of your family!!! It is clear that Brian truly loved his grandma and I know he will be waiting to great her. I understand her prayer at Brian's service. I too prayed it would be me!! Prayers being sent

Sonya I am so sorry for your loss It is so special that your dad stayed with his aunt. Her prayer that her husband would be with their child that they lost 50 years ago really touched my heart It is clear that no matter how long ago the loss, the pain is always right there.

Jenn the new avatar of Jeffrey is so very special What a sweet gift and I am so glad to see his precious little

face

KathyI love the new avatar of beautiful Jessica. I am glad that things appear to be working out well for mom and dad and so sorry about Tavian and camp. I always found that it was important to find out what the other child was doing so I could really understand what was going on before making any decisions on what to do.

Once I received a call from Stephen's HS saying they were suspending him because he had hit a chld with crutches. He was really a non violent child and that made no sense .

I calmly asked what the other child had done. They said "Oh HE is being suspended as well as he HIt Stephen over the head with his crutch" : I miss it all.

Dee and Sherry and Trudie Enjoy your gardens and the wildlife Your homes sound so special

Leah Just praying for you and your family

Betsy, Lorrie, Colleen, Rhonda, Elaine, Carol, Susannah, Dan Thinking of each of you and holding warm thoughts

[rlolheiser]

Me again... I want you all to know how much I appreciate you.. each and everyone of you is a God-send, and I am blessed for knowing you.

My day started out rotten. I went outside and saw my car had a flat tire. My husband got one of the guys to fill it with air, so I had to run quickly to town to get it fixed. Low and behold.. it didn't get me all the way to the shop. I did have a bit of luck and another type of shop put the spare on for me. It took me forever but I ended up having to buy a new tire.. oh well :-) if only that was the worst to happen.

I had to bring the babies bed to the hospital so the boyfriend could have it. I brought her daughter in along with my boy... mom asked to stay in the car as she wasn't feeling the best. (i hate leaving her in the car) I have the idea, that my daughter at this time has picked the boyfriend to fight for. He called while I was there and they had a fight that I was there. She hung up and told me to leave because he was coming in. My heart crushed.. just when I think it can't hurt anymore.. it does.

I won't however stay in the land of sadness. I have to go on and do what I have to.. since I talked with her, they sent my daughter to a mental hospital. I will pray she finds her way back to her children. Meanwhile, I will make it my goal to make sure he goes back to the pen, even if she gets upset. The top priority though is JaBoa's siblings. I have a chance to make their life good. I registered her daughter into school to go with my son. They start on wednesday. I am waiting to hear from authorities as the dr had said he would contact them. I want to keep my grands.. I know I can do it. I know now why I was able to lose my weight, it was to get healthier. I have lost a total of 60lbs, and still counting. I am more determined than ever my dear friends to come out of this healthier, happier, and somehow with my family still intact. I hope I am not overshooting, but what the heck.. I have goals.

Susannah, thank you for sharing your heart.. I hear it beating loud and clear.. Thank you everybody

I am going to be ok, because you showed me you care and the world isn't as bad as I thought.

peace to everybody, along with love and sunshine.. may our angels smile down on us in all their glory

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[Guest msnher]

Greg - Is Elton John singing the song, "All you want is your momma's arms"? I'm sure Brian treated her like a queen from watching his father treat her like a queen. I'm so sorry you are going through this new heartache.

Kathy - I'm interested in the input regarding Tavian's anger, because Jonathon has some, too. As for logging onto BI....I added it to my favorites the first time I visited, so I've not had a problem logging on. I can't post a picture (I just haven't taken the time to figure it out, yet) but I can log on.

Dee - The kids and I stopped by the school today to find out where their classes are going to be. They already know most of the staff and teachers, so we didn't have to make introductions. It is such a different experience for us this year, compared to the last two. This year they are prepared and excited. This year they are ours. I was as happy to see their teachers again as they were.

Jenn - So good to see Jeffery's little face again! "Out of the mouth of babes"....so true. They teach me much more than I teach them.

Sonya - I'm sorry for your loss, too. 50 years of grieving the loss of a child. Finally reunited. bittersweet.

Rhonda - Yes, it may seem like one step forward and five steps back.....but, no one can deny that you've taken that one step forward. Eventually, they add up. How sweet that you said, "I miss all of your kids." When I got here I kept myself occupied learning about all the angels represented here. We are tied together with an unbreakable, yet heartbreaking, bond. Together we keep taking that one step.

Thinking of the rest of you as my eye lids drift shut...again...

Much love!

[ericasmom]

Sus, I am so glad that you all feel the difference a year can make. Goodness knows that you all worked very hard to get to this day. I hope that the school year is a fantastic eone for all.

Greg, may your Momma feel the love of everyone around her and may she reach out to let the angels lift her to her peace. I know that it feels so sad at the same time, but you are doing the most humane thing, letting her leave on her terms with the gentle assistance of HOSPICE. I will pray for your Mom and for all of you.

AMEN Leah, we are here, and you are stronger than you knew. Just stay safe and we will continue to pray for a good outcome.

Kathy, I think that Tavian told you the truth, he said that he sometimes picks on a boy at camp. When you asked why he said because he gets mad. If the other boy had done something to make him mad, would he not have said that ? I agree with you Lorri about feeling that others were setting you apart by talking about you when you already felt set apart, but the fact is, our behavior still determines how folks look at us. If a child hits another or picks on them, they do need consequences or that pattern remains and as a kid gets older with that pattern, well someone is going to get hurt. Tavian has gone through a lot, he will have anger at times because of it, but the whole mix of sadness/anger thing might be going on and it is best to help Tavian see the difference of one and the how many people feel one and display another. I would agree Kathy, therapy with the woman he has worked with just as a means to check in and see what she can find in Tavian's personality and actions to assist him. You take him to the doctor to measure growth, weigh him, get him shots, and listen to his heart, now this doctor listens to his heart in a different manner and I applaud parents and caregivers when they reach out for the assistance of a therapist. For one, it is a lifelong message to Tavian that when we are confused or overly sad or angry, we go get some help for it, dispelling the negative conontation of therapy. Secondly, it is transition time to a more strict schedule with greater expectations for tavian from school, so going now at the start of school could also be a great tool for him.

Lorri so sad about the friend with cancer. I am so sorry for them, and for you to know of another who left so early.

Col, watch the finch if you are able, they are a delight.

[mikesmum]

Firstly Dee I am envious of your multicoloured posts!!  I will continue to fiddle till I find out how.

Kathy - Tavians anger might be the result of being unable to express something that he can't understand. Goodness knows there are days where anger rages where answers are missing. I hope your talk and his apology will see him back at camp. Seeing his counsellor again is probably a good idea.

Greg - Micheal was the first born grandson to both sides. But his affinity was with my mum. He would take mum into hospital to be with his cousin Luke while he was undergoing treatment for CF. When Luke died I saw the life drain from mum and Mike. One thing I am grateful for is that Mum passed before Micheal. That would have been too much. I too believe Mum wanted to be with dad who passed 25yrs before. I also believe mum and dad were waiting for Mike.

Sad news today. Mal went back to work today to find his female partner off work for the rest of the month. Her sister committed suicide last week. Brilliant young girl with so much to live for. Their family survived the bushfires of 09, but lost everything else.

Take Care one and all...........

[mikesmum]

Fiddled and finally got it.....

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, my goodness, I just lost a post that I have been working on for quite a bit...I generally put my post in Word first and then copy, but this new format seemed to make that unnecessary, and I think that it does...however, it doesn't make up for my fat fingers hitting the wrong keys and sending everything I've written into never-never land!

I have noticed that we have some very sad happenings going on right now...Lorri: so sorry for the loss of your friend, and prayers will be said for your new friend...Travis's mom. Leah: You are such a brave and caring person...I pray that you will know what you need to do and that you will stay safe. It must have been heartbreaking to have to let the little one go to his dad...Lord, keep this precious little one safe and reunite him with those who truly care and love him and will provide for his safety

.

Kathy: I hope (and will pray) that things work our for Tavian at camp...it is such a worry for you, and I am sure, for him. So glad to hear about your dad rethinking the needs of your mom. I am sure your mom was so very glad to hear your voice, and you to hear hers.

Greg: I am so sorry about your aunt...it doesn't matter how many years a loved one has lived, it is always sad to say that last goodbye. Thanks for sharing the pic...Brian will greet her with open arms when the time comes. It doesn't matter how old you are when your parents pass...it is a loss that is huge...you are now the "older" ones...

Lorri: I am glad that you found it in your heart to approach the lady at the cemetary...not only did you find comfort in each other, but she also found someone to help her make a transition that none of us like to make...moving to a new place. It sounds like you both made a good connection with one another...good for you! I am sorry about the loss of the woman that you and Kourtney knew, and especially sorry for her children that she left behind...Lord, please hold these children close and guide those adults left to care for them, let them always remember their mom and her love for them,

Betty: Loved the story of the crutches and Stephen...I am sure that at the time, it was not pleasant, but it is something to smile over now.

Sus: So glad that the kids are excited about going back to school this year...that excitement is in large part due to what you and Gary have so miraculously accomplished this past year...kudos on a job very well done!

Dee: Good to hear that you are ready for your kids...they are walking into a year that will likely be unlike any other they have known or will know...spending a year with Mrs. Conmy is a treasure for all of them. The need for organization in the classroom is why I never thought of being a teacher...I tried it in Sunday school, teaching kindergarten one year, which was a delight, and teaching 8th grade another year, which was a disaster! My "gifts" lie elsewhere.,,,don't exactly know where yet, but definitely elsewhere from a classroom. I too loved the story about Eri and her dad...reading of it surrounds my heart with peace.

Sonya: I am sorry for your loss, also...knowing that your dad's aunt lost a child 50 years ago and that she still thought of him is surely confirmation that this is something that never leaves us...it was indeed special that your dad stayed with her like he did....he must be a special person.

Trudi: I am also sorry to hear about Mal's co-worker losing her sister...prayers for the family....to have survived so much and then to lose what is greatest of all...their child.

I have been going through some posts, journal entries, emails, etc., to weed out and sort them out chronologically, and came across this in an email I wrote back in Jan of 07, just three months after Mike died. "My heart aches too much, my thoughts make me insane with grief, and I just cannot fight my way out of it sometimes. My job provides distraction, most of the time, but not joy, or peace, or anything that makes my heart ache less. Of course, NOTHING makes my heart ache less." I remember feeling so lost and empty, and I remember thinking that it would never change, that no matter how much "progress" I made, I always fell back into that pit again, that all the words and thoughts and ideas weren't going to bring my son back again. Well, here it is, almost 4 years later, and no, Mike has not come back, but I have stayed out of the pit more and more over the last year or so, and most of all I have found things that do make my heart ache less...something I never thought back then that I would find again. Some of the memories that initially brought me to my knees now bring a smile to my heart, and remind me to make new ones. I had to hear my son plead with me to not stop living because he died, I had to promise him I wouldn't...it is a daily piece of work, sometimes hourly, but I hope he sees that I am trying. I hope he sees my successes and that they bring smiles to his heart. We had Damon (Mike's youngest) today, and when I brought him home tonight, Sarah told me that his first day of school is August 31st. My mind exploded back to the day when Mike found out his cancer was terminal...he cried, heartbreaking, wrenching sounds, over not being here for his kids, and he said, among other things, "I won't even get to see Damon start school." I told Sarah that I had taken Damon to lunch earlier, and we went to his favorite restaurant---a pizza parlor that is decorated to look like a train station...something he finds great joy in (and one that his daddy used to frequent when he worked in construction nearby). When I went up to pay for the pizza, I got three pennies back in my change...there was a 1975 penny in the change...Mike's year of birth. I guess he was preparing us for when Sarah would tell me later that day about Damon's first day of school...he wanted us to know that he would indeed be there...how could I not smile? And that is one of those things that I store up and hold on tight to; one of those things that "make my heart ache less." I know that I have posted this picture before, but when I see it, I see Damon heading out to school...and now I know that Mike will be right there with him.

Thanks for listening...

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs (click on image to make it larger)

[ericasmom]

OHHH, I hate when my fat fingers hit the wrong key too.

Love ya, and glad that you had your Grandie with you and received word from Mike that indeed he will see his Boy start school. What a guy that Mike is. I love your words Carol, for all the newbies adn for a reminder to us when things pile up, that Mike reminded you what he wanted, for you to live a life full, and you are.

Trudi, you colorful little bird. I am sorry for Mal to have this sadness. This woman's family must be inconsolable right now, and for this I will pray. I know that this hits you in the heart as you watch another family deal with loss. You may be a source for them, a promise of life after loss.

[Guest msnher]

Carol wrote, "My heart aches too much, my thoughts make me insane with grief, and I just cannot fight my way out of it sometimes. My job provides distraction, most of the time, but not joy, or peace, or anything that makes my heart ache less. Of course, NOTHING makes my hearet ache less." Very poignant, Carol. Well written.

My Amanda's doctors appointments were supposed to be Friday to determine when her surgery will be. I missed a call from her yesterday...she didn't leave a message. I called her back, but haven't heard from her again, yet.

Last night I had the strangest dreams about her. They were so bizzare.....involving waterfalls in the middle of a college....getting lost and not being able to find my way back to my house.....Amanda showing up and showing me the way....but, leaving all her belongings (purse, computer, books, etc) behind.....but she walked too fast and I couldn't keep up and slip and fell down the waterfall....and, all of a sudden she jumped in to save me and as she went rushing by in the rapids said, "it's okay, Mom." Those same kind of dreams continued a good deal of the night.

I'm calling her immediately.

[lostwoher]

Good morning! Here messing around trying to figure all of this new stuff out. Forgive me if something goes wrong. Im not good at technology but Im not giving up.

[Guest msnher]

I just got off the phone with Amanda. She's okay. She had dreams last night that she kept getting lost. So far, her surgery is scheduled for October 18th. There is one more doctor to see before that date is confirmed. They plan to just remove the mass/mesh and scar tissue and check on her kidneys. They will plan her bigger surgery after Christmas.

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Loved One Day enough to share it ....... thank you!

And have I ever told you how much I love the name, Erika Eileen??

Love you too!

[jefferysmommy]

Good morning, BI's,

Sonya, we must have posted almost at the same time, so bitter sweet your story of your great-Aunt and how your great-Uncle will now get to play with Keith.

I once heard, when your parents pass away you are an orphan, when your spouse passes away you are a widow/widower, but when your child(ren) pass away, there is no term for it, because it is the worst loss of all.

Dee: Hope that you had a good day at the school, you are truly amazing, one of those teachers that all the kids will always remember, the one that they knew really cared.

Sherry - I love the smell of concord grapes, making juice from that will be amazing, I wish you luck with that. I'm not that good in the kitchen, I enjoy cooking, but I'm not much for canning or making juice or preserves, though my husband is.

Kathy - Forgot to mention how much I love Jessica's silhouette, also, I have a friend who has a son in anger management, and the thing that they use there is called SNAP, it stands for Stop Now and Plan: http://www.stopnowandplan.com/ maybe it can help, my friends son is 6 years old, has a learning disability, which causes frustration, which causes anger and outbursts.

Trudi: My posts are not very colourful either...and I am so sorry for the sad news, prayers to the family as we all know things will be tough for the next while.

Lorri: Awesome insight as to what Tavian is going through.

Colleen: That's a beautiful wish, and I have wished the same thing, that Jeffery would be the first person I see when I cross over. Dee: Glad that Eri was there to welcome her dad home.

Carol: It's amazing isn't it, just 3 months after, what you wrote was exactly how you felt, and you probably never thought you would be where you are today, I'm very happy for you as I'm sure Mike is too, oh and that Damon he is a doll, and Mike has let you know that he will be there to see the first day of school!

Sus: Keep us posted on Amanda, I hate dreams like that, so disturbing.

Off to a meeting at a customer site, will be out of my home office the rest of the day. May all of you have peace today.

[Eric]

Just a quick note for anyone who's had issues with uploading any photos. Hotrod has figured this one out for us! This board has kept all the pictures that you guys posted on the old site. That put a fair number of people over the upload limit for posts. I'm trying to find where that limit is to see if it can be changed but i've been unable to find it. What hotrod was able to do was delete the old photos she had uploaded and she was able to upload more pictures.I have been unable to find where you might delete pictures youve uploaded for whatever reason, but if hotrod could share that with us that may help a fair number of us. my thanks to her for figuring this out for us!

[hotrod]

Hi Eric What worked for me was to:

Click on my name at the upper right hand corner

Then Click on MY Settings

When I got into MY settings I clicked on:

Manage attachements

That was wher I found all my old pictures that I had uploaded. I then could choose to delete them and I could then post pictures

It really was easy. Hope this is right as I am not a Nerd or Techie!!

Indigos have a good day

Trudi so very sorry to hear about the additional heartache that you and Mal must endure Prayers flying your way.

Sue You do have interesting dreams Glad you called Amanda and the surgery is on target

Carol Damian starting school and Mike's Penny appearing Such a beautiful sign and such beautiful thoughts on such a painful experience

Leah, Betsy and all Indigos always in my thoughts

[mikesmomrs]

Betty: I was just about to post the same thing about the pictures...that is how I did mine, also. And yes, it is easy, guys...and that is being said by someone with not only fat fingers, but a techno-challenged brain!

Sue: That is just something else...you and Amanda having the same type of dream...her getting lost, etc. I am glad to hear that her surgery has been scheduled, and hope that all goes well so that the date isn't changed. Keeping you both in my prayers.

Lynn: So good to see that beautiful Kayla's smile...

Trud: Glad that your "fiddlin" brought success! Was Rome burning while you were fiddling?

take care, indigos...I will be having a busy, hot, hot day...in the 90's, and running around getting all the food prepared that I need to take with us tomorrow...we will be staying overnight up at the hospital again...Ralph has an appt on Wed and one on Thurs, and unfortunately, we couldn't change one of them..."Dr. P. only has clinic on Wednesdays, and Dr. S. only has clinic on Thursdays." So, I need to get 5 meals ready to take along...no stopping at restaurants this time around!

We will survive...

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Hello my indigos,

It is a beautiful day again in WI. Hubby is off today, so I may quit early and spend time with him. Nothing big.

Michelle bought a car - 2006 Hyundia Sonota. 60,000 miles for $8500. She will spread that over 48 months with a pyment of $197 a month. We still have to sign papers, but she did it. She is a driven young woman, organized, self motivated, mouthy.

Hang in there my friends

Colleen

[mysonrich]

Hi everyone, just a quick daytime hello. making progress here as far as unpacking/storage/helping Aunt etc.

Sus, I had a dream before I moved. Me,Sarah and Rich had to help a woman that owned a horse farm. This is also the 2nd time I had a dream ( why do I hear MLK in my head )of this expect the last part. We we are fighting the bad guys that are riding horses and win. I send my kids to get tickets to fly home and it had to be on US Air. they come back and Rich said he spent$1600.00. I said, " on tickets"? He said," no Mom, on a remote control. you can never find yours and this one does everything" i was ok with the $1600.00 remote control.

A little chuckle for you all. Spoke to Sarah last night. During the summer she has been working at a daycare center. I little girl come up to her yesterday and said," you should go to the doctor" Sarah asked her way. The little girl said" you should go to the doctor because you have green eyes and people don't have green eyes." keep in mind that the students and teachers are African American and Sarah the white teacher. I thought this was funny, hope I didn't offend anyone and the little girls mom had a good laugh too.

well, back to doing something. I write more later. Leah, Greg, kathy...hard times,heart aches..so sorry for the road that continures to be rough.

[josephsmom90]

Hey BI's,

Today's a better day!! Michael's coming home Saturday. It sounds like more surgery isn't necessary, according to his dad anyway. But if it is just plastic surgery then I am in total agreement. Though Michael is on it around the house, elsewhere it is crutches and no bending of the leg. So I'll be hauling him everywhere, maybe to the bus stop which isn't far from the house, unless Monica will stop at the end of the driveway, we live on the highway.

Daniel got out of jail and no one knows how or who helped him out this time. He did not lose his job THANK YOU LORD! According to his dad he is being evasive about why he got arressted in the first place. I just pray/hope he LEARNS from this one!!

Trying to focus on the glory, peace, and utter joy Joseph is enjoying with God in paradise. No more worries, nothing negative for him ever again. Knowing his heart the way I do, that makes me smile. Looking for a part time job to add to my slim income. Still thinking hard on Colorado, making that a matter of prayer. Looks like I've got some reading to do in here. Had to regroup and get it together for a few days.Still praying for you all. Peace.

Elaine

[krichie]

Just dropping by reading post and letting you know I am still around but just having hard time.

So sorry there is more saddness for some of us with recent losses and life events. They say god never gives us more then we can handle -

well we all must be the toughest people on the planet and he is still testing us.

I did get a little good news when we took Shavelle to Dr's her blood pressure is going down, she will still need the medicine but it seems to be controlling it. Only 3 and she is going to have a very tough road ahead

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I am at school, left my to-hot classroom and came here to the media center which is air-conditioned. AHHHHH.

I can't stay long so:

Betsy, glad you are unpacking and I love the expensive remote dream.

Bonnie, thanks so much for loving Eri's name, me too. Glad that you liked ONE DAY. Oh how I pray for that message to become fact.

Betty adn Carol, thanks for the photo update, and ERic too.

Krichie, so glad that Shevalle is doing better. What a little doll-baby, to go through so much at such a young age. Prayers.

Elaine, good to see you again. Yep, Joe is safe, Joe is better than fine. Glad the Boys are on their feet, so to speak, and moving forward. Prayers on a job and on a decison on a move.

Carol, don't push too hard in the heat, but have a good and good-news couple of days at the hospital.

Sus, those dreams are scary, I have them often enough. Cool though, that you and Amanda were connected while dreaming. Love that.

Gotta go,

love to all,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Hi All,

I am just sad. I can't put my finger on why....maybe hormones.....maybe missing my girl....maybe feeling my hubby is distant from me....fear of what's going to happen with Amanda...etc....

The tears haven't come, yet. I don't stop them if they do, it's just more difficult for me to cry for some reason. I remember in the beginning (it's still the beginning, isn't it?) I hated the emotional, gut wrenching sobs because I didn't think they helped any. They just left me feeling empty. Now, I know they're necessary for the healing process....but, I haven't been able to put my finger on what's going on. Before Stephanie died, I would know it was PMS......now......not so much.

Good luck with the drs, Carol!

It worked! I deleted my photo's (can't believe I posted so many) and twa-la.....here's my girl and me on her wedding day.

Thanks Eric and Betty!!

[Guest msnher]

I believe in angels...something good in everything I see...

If I knew how to post a link I would post it to that song. It's on Stephanie's memorial site in the slide show section. Stephanie-Keck.Virtual-Memorials.com

[mysonrich]

Hi All,

I am at school, left my to-hot classroom and came here to the media center which is air-conditioned. AHHHHH.

[mysonrich]

Dee, it was interesting to say the least. BTW, how is your son? You haven't mentioned any of his adventures of late. Our children, the surviving siblings, in my experience their suffering is less likely to be detected. The younger children are "allowed" more freedom in acting out or showing emotions. The in-between kids have to have this grief under control, they portray a mask to the world as well don't you agree?

Betsy,mysonRich

[ericasmom]

Hi Betsy,

yes, I do think that our surviving adult children suffer hugely, losing the witness to their lives as it is said in some book somewhere. JOn is doing pretty well. He has enjoyed the summer with many weekly trips to little human made lakes, and some little ponds scattered around the chicagoland area to fish. He loves fishing. I think it is a time when he can relax and do something that he enjoyed as his Father did. He and his girlfriend Shannon have gone on a few trips for weddings this summer, another one coming up in Rhode Island. He will turn 29 this September which just amazes me.

Thanks for asking.

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS IM HERE...JUST NOT MUCH TO SAY...REALLY DOWN...IT JUST GETS ME SOMETIMES...I CAN SMILE AND GO ON BUT KOURTNEYS STILL GONE...TIL I SEE HER AGAIN SHES GONE...

HER QUILT IS COMING ALONG GREAT..THE LADY SENT ME THE NICEST TEXT YEST...SAYING THAT SHE FEEL SO CONNECTD TO KOURTNEY WITH THE T SHIRTS...AND SHE HAD LOST A CUZIN AT THE AGE OF 17 AND HER GRANNY TO A BRAIN TUMOR....SHE HAS REALLY COME TO KNOW KOURTNEY WITH THE QUILT....WAS REALLY NEAT...ID LOVE TO PUT A PIC OF THE QUILT SO FAR ON HERE BUT DONT NO HOW TO DO IT...

YAL HAVE A GREAT DAY

[westleysmom]

Lorri, I know what you mean. I've been trying to put together a banner for Westley and its very emotional for me. Mine won't be very fancy because I'm just not a very fancy girl I guess. It's just going to have his picture and his name and Beloved Son at the top and 'Crash' in his name. He had a tatoo on his chest that said Westley "Crash" Wall. I'm not sure if the Dee was in there, isn't that awful? He wore a wife-beater almost all the time after he got a tatoo on his back that he didn't like and tried to get one to cover it up, and it didn't turn out good, but it covered his whole back. I'll have to ask one of his friends or my husband, he probably knows. He had one on each arm, and Death Before Dishonor was his first one on his chest. And he had some on his lower legs too. I know that had to hurt. I tried to talk him out of getting so many, but he wouldn't listen. Do you think that you still have your tatoos in heaven? I don't have any, I'm a big chicken. I thought about it after, one for him, you know, but I couldn't think of what it would be or where I'd put it or how I'd get that drunk. (just kidding, sorta) I just keep thinking "I thought you would be here, why are you not here? When will I see you again, how am I supposed to go on?" So I cry and fix my face and then cry some more. Nothing all of you haven't done too, no surprises here. I guess that's why we're all here. We know, no surprises, just a bad day and a good day, sometimes on the same day, in almost the same instant. I had lunch with my baby and her mama, my daughter Amy. We don't talk about Westley around the baby because she's very smart, and if I start to cry, it really upsets her and then I get more upset and her Mommy gets upset and we all just bawl. I don't know how you all do it with kids still at home. I can't wait to get here, so I can take my mask off most of the time. I've been very reclusive if I get a choice. Work, church, occasional shopping trip for necessities. That's about how much I get out. I saw a friend from the years when my kids were little today. She seemed genuinely concerned when she asked me how I was doing, but the baby was with us, so I just said "as good as I can." Some people, you just know they really do care, even if you're not close anymore. Well, anyway, the day wasn't all bad. But I'm going to try to finish this thing and get it mailed to Bonnie, it's too hard to drag it out over several days. Take care all and try to have a good evening. You know I wish your kids weren't gone or mine either, but it gives me so much comfort to know that you really understand.

Rhonda Westley's Mom, who only managed to change the color of one word, which makes it look like I only need "lady supplies" I should stick to black letters

[josephsmom90]

Hey all,

I was just looking over the news (isn't it always BAD??) And see the mother in NC who smothered her babies! I cannot imagine, fathom such an evil act. It blows me away to say the least. Here we all are willing to do ANYTHING to not have lost ours and then?? I dunno it breaks my heart for starters! Flat out pisses me off in another way.

I remember when I had those twins, how much I wanted them, how much I valued them, how preious there were to me!! And not just them but all my sons! It's heart breaking to see stuff like that go on. 5 more days and Michael will be home!! He got the stitches out today and said it was super painful, they were an odd kind of suture. He said he almost passed out and hyperventilated. Said it took 90 minutes to get them out. But we talked a long time and it was so good to hear his voice. I wish I had somewhere to go, something to do, would kind of like that right about now... Guess I could shampoo the car and truck, ugh! It's hot, we need rain. It's still a better day.

Elaine

[mikesmum]

Its so sad when a parent takes the life of their child/children. We see many cases here where a parent will 'punish' their ex by taking the life of the children. Send them a nasty note, but leave the kids alone!

Betsy - You will need to tell me about New Jersey. Hope the move went well. You are so right about the siblings. For those first yrs (did I say yrs!) Steven and Melissa played down their own achievements as if living on wasn't right. A bit like the first time I laughed after Mike had died...I couldn't believe I would do that, it seemed wrong.

Colleen - cutting class to hang with a boy - you rebel you. So glad Michelle has a new car. Growing into quite an adult before your eyes.. Any news on Trevor?

Dee - You would be so proud of me. Melissa did the thousand (yes 1000) steps up the face of Mt Dandenong in one of the state forests. I did 100 at the local dam today! Baby steps, breathing in and out....hard multiskilling!

Its still blustery here. Rain and more rain with galeforce winds forecast. Good day to practice my calligraphy.

Started learning about gold leafing ornate letters yesterday. One steady hand an good eye to manage a professional finish....so I might just update the glasses and lay off the coffee.

"Micheal Shane is with me as I walk, I type, I practice lettering and mostly when I dream...I have a calmness today and I think its down to him"

[ericasmom]

RHonda, I know how you are feeling, a good day and a bad sometimes in the same day, side by side. Indeed. I am glad that you are making a banner, somehow knowing that WESTLY will fly alongside Eri and the rest feels nice. I too wish none of us were ever here, ever even knew of such a place, that wondrous innocence that we lost. But we are here and a nicer more loving group of folks I have never known. So thank you for your friendship, for your conversation.

Westley had many tatts, Jonathan has two, Michael had one, (eri adn jon's daddy) but I am the chicken here too, no tatts for me. Eri did not have any yet. I do believe she would have gone there. Over the six days of being in the hospital with ERi, over 80 folks filled the three tattoo parlors in town and got tattoos honoring Erica. Most had EER (erica eileen reith) with either the chinese symbol for laughter or beauty. At six months post Eri's death, the doorbell rang and a small package came. In it was a chain I have had on since, EER and the chinese symbol for beautiful daughter. It came from Mass. where Eri's godmom, Carol, lives. She had it made.

Elaine, the woman who smothered or strangled her children in South Carolina yesterday tried to make it look like they drowned in a car crash. She took those two little boys already dead, strapped them into their car seats and put the car in nuetral letting it go down a boat ramp. Damn! So many folks would have loved to love those boys, to raise those little dears, so many. So yes, I get angry too, damn I get angry. So you are crazed adn don't want them anymore, if you can plan to murder them as she did, many steps, well you could have dropped them off at the door of a hospital or firestation and leave them. Leave them alive. She has a five year old at home, that poor little girl now lost her brothers and her momma's going to jail. Way to mother Lady.

No, not all the news is bad, but that story really is bad. But in each day there is more good than bad, I am convinced of this, and I take heart there.

Glad that Michael is recovering.

The crickets are calling me outside as the evening light lessens a bit each day, so I will go out in it.

[summergirl]

hello dear indigo's - still playing with this new site but getting some help from all of you so thank you. I will add to my favorites so that will be easier...now trying to figure out how to add friends and then will work on pics....

Thank you everyone for your input on Tavian.....seems like the mom and head counsellor Kathy jumped the gun with Tavian and an apology was given to Tavian and I....seems the boy lied to his mother about Tavian being mean to him, he said that Tavian pushed him because he pushed Tavian first when it was time to get in line. Anyway, they talked today and everything was worked out. I still feel as though I need to get Tavian back in therapy so I talked to a real nice woman today and she is going to set up an appointment for him tomorrow. He has been through alot and I feel he a therapist will help him in ways I am not able to, sometimes I am just to close to the situation....will keep all informed.

Need to say good nite as Tavian has to go to bed and I am tired...it has been a long day. Peace, Strength and Love to all....

[josephsmom90]

Ya I know Dee, anything but that. I cannot fathom it! I know I'd have had more in a minute if my then husband would have been for it. As it was he wanted to stop after the twins. But he wouldn't go get a vasectomy. He told me his reason "I pride myself on never being cut on." Really, but it was ok, for me to get surgery to have my tubes tied, being it was after the twins were born. Anyway I'd raise more kids if I was married, do it in a minute. I dunno people are really selfish in our country. They want to have their 1. whatever kid/s and make lots of money, retire and I dunno travel the world.. I am trying to make some adjustments as it is with looking at empty nest, and after losing Joseph, it's whacked me in not so good a way. I sit and wonder what on earth I am going to do with myself as it is! Maybe two jobs are in order. I am pretty restless tonight, I've had almost no communication with anyone, except for a few phone calls, some text with Michael and the grocery store trips, so no comm with anyone in a month! I am sitting here thinking about going to the bar just to SEE/HEAR/Socialize with people, and I don't drink! How lame is that? There is NOTHING to do here in town and or for about 90 minutessssss

[Guest msnher]

I feel the same way as you all about the mother who killed her baby boys. The same ages as my Kaylee and Jonathon. I can't fathom it. I had the same thought as you, Elaine, we would all move heaven and earth to have our children back and...................Gary and I fought like hell, even after Stephanie died (more so after Stephanie died) to protect our grandchildren and...............

I'm so glad things worked out for Tavian, Kathy. Lorri knew what she was talking about, didn't she? I'm glad you're getting Tavian back into counseling. It must be hard for him to wrap his young mind around all of this.

I'm glad you mentioned our surviving children, Betsy. Mine were too worried about me to really talk to me at first. Jennifer and Stephanie were best friends and I think it's harder on her. She misses her sister terribly. Amanda just doesn't understand why Stephanie died and she's still alive after all she's been through (health wise). As the older sibling, she thinks she was supposed to die. Curtis just feels incredible guilt. He stayed pretty detached from Stephanie because of all her life's choices and mistakes. He wishes he would have given her the benefit of the doubt. I try to comfort and reassure them as best I can, respecting their right to grieve.

I have two tatoo's. A little rose on my shoulder and H D with a rose in the middle on my lower back (Harley Davidson). I'm a baby.....they hurt. My son is covered with tats. I took a picture of the one he had done the morning of Stephanie's service. I'll try to post it. It's of Stephanie's face with her name and dates on it. On his forearm. He just had "Fear not" written in latin on his neck. Stephanie had several tatoo's. So does Amanda. Their dad is covered from head to toe....and you won't find a nicer man......except for my Gary who has a few, himself. We're a big, loving, tatoo'd family!

My vacation begins tomorrow!!! In other words, school begins tomorrow! The kids are so excited. They packed their new backpacks with all their school supplies and picked out which clothes they want to wear. Mariah is less enthusiastic about the clothes....she's pretty excited about her new shoes, though. Both Jasmine and Jonathon tried on every new piece of clothing I bought them, trying to decide what to wear. These new school clothes have been hanging in their closets for a couple of weeks, but they haven't been allowed to touch them until today. All the kids kept their new shoes on even after they had on their pajamas and their teeth brushed.

Hugs for the journey...

Bless the beasts and the children!

[krichie]

Just dropped in to check up on everything and am shocked at this news of a mother killng her kids, I do not watch tv much so miss the headlines. I agree so many people would give anything to have children or keep them and someone does something like that its unimaginable.

You all mentioned Tattoos, I do not have any but do plan on having Richie and my other son Kris's name tattooed on my ankles in fairly small letters. Richie was suppose to give me my first tattoo but I kept putting it off-- wish I had let him. He gave all his friends tattos he was pretty good at it.I use to work at a tattoo parlor many moons ago in Reno. My husband has to many to count he now has Richies name across his back I will try to post that picture he still wants to add to it with a specail saying under it.

[Guest msnher]

I was searching through "my pictures" the tatoo of Stephanie's face on Curtis' arm and came across several unmarked "pictures". They turned out to be video's from Stephanie's cell phone. It took my breath away to hear my girl's voice and her laughter...seeing her horse around with her friends. There are several videos with her sister and her nieces, but none with her own children...I don't think I'll show the kids yet because there are no pictures with them...............or should I?

On one hand they could be happy to see their mommy talking and laughing. But, on the other hand..........she didn't take any of them.....another form of rejection. Am I wrong?

[Guest msnher]

Stephanie had no right to die. There was a lot of work left for her to do with her own children. Sure they have me. Sure I'll do a good job. Maybe even a better job. She had no business being involved with that man. She had no business riding that 4 wheeler. She lied to me. Bold face lied to me during the six weeks she was reunited with them. I totally supported her. We sent her $200.00 a month spending money the eight months she was in rehab....and made sizeable donations to the rehab monthly for helping her....We bought her bus ticket TO rehab..again...

We paid for her phone, gave her our truck, and gave her spending money when she was out of treatment while she said she was getting on her feet. She was supposed to be getting her GED and signing up for college. That's what she told me. She told she was spending time with a "family" studying the bible when in reallity she was with this guy. The athiest who was transitioning out of prison for felony stalking his ex.....hog tying another girlfriend and leaving her in a field to die.

I should have caught it. I should have seen it. She was going to go to church every Sunday but only went once saying she couldn't just go because people expected her to. I agreed with her. Why didn't I see the old behavior? Just because I don't go to church and don't take the bible literally......why didn't I catch it in her? She DID take the bible literally. She was all about Jesus. Why didn't I notice when she said she was agreeing with me? She wasn't agreeing with me! She wasn't becoming more open minded......she was using my beliefs as an excuse for her own unacceptable behavior.

To be so angry at my dead daughter is difficult. It isn't different. This is what it felt like when she was alive. When she got caught shop-lifting at Wal Mart with her babies in tow and cocaine in her purse and they let her go.....I was this angry. Only now she's safe, happy and free and we are here to pick up the pieces.....again. When she was 18 and living with me and Jennifer in our one bedroom apartment and she said she just left one day saying she was going to treatment, I was glad....until she was forced to call us and tell us the real reason she left...........she was selling drugs and herself to pay for her addiction (I didn't even know she was using again) She ran away because she used the drugs she was supposed to sell and didn't have the money to give her dealer..........she spent the money she was supposed to give her "pimp" and he was after her. She ran because her life was in danger. Her counselor made her call me because the pimp threatened to hurt me and Jennifer unless he got paid. We had to stay with friends until the "situation" calmed down.

There are so many more horror stories. Her children lived through the worst of it. She made them stand there and watch when she took a knife to her wrists and slit them...after saying goodbye to them. They still talk about that. She snorted and shot up drugs in front of her kids. She was violently raped in front of her kids.

She ran away to Salt Lake with her kids and had to hurry back in the middle of the night because she was in danger there, too. She brought her kids back with no coats. No shoes. In the middle of winter. She had her coat and shoes. Kevin had his coat and shoes. The kids had nothing.

I told her she was a bad mother. Several times. Sometimes she would give me the kids. Mostly she would just let me take Mariah, but she would get mad at me and take them/her back. Always. Until the day she and Kevin got in a knock down, drag out fight and the police took her and Kevin off to jail. The state said either I take the kids or they put them in state custody. I had no idea what she had done to land in jail. I had no idea when she would get out. I lived in a small apartment...I was single...I was done playing with Stephanie. I told the cops to take the kids...that I couldn't do it. The next day when one of her friends bailed her out she yelled at me telling me she had a place at the mission for them. The mission!!!

That turned out to be one of the better years in the kids lives. They were in a loving foster home. And.....then....the state gave them back to Kevin. We all applauded him, then. He fought for all three children when only one of them was biologically his. When Jonathon was born we knew Stephanie had been naughty, again....Jonathon is black and Kevin is white as white can be. At least Kevin didn't hold that against the kids.

But, he took them to Tina...........and, a worse nightmare began for them.............

Maybe that mother who killed her kids and then dumped their bodies with the car did them a favor in the long run..........maybe. I'm glad I have Steph's kids. But, they've paid a high price. A very high price. And, now, there's these video's that break my heart. She is laughing....happy.....funny.....loving..........but, not with them. Again.

So, now....she's this happy, free, joyful, bright star angel and her kids are in therapy. We live in constant vigil over the woman who hurt them with their dad. Where's Steph? Watching over us? Bullshit! Where is she? I damn well think she owes us an explanation!! I damn well think she owes us an appearance. Sometimes death is the easy way out. Maybe for her kids it was the best way.

I'm tortured right now and I cannot work through anything without getting it OUT. I'm sorry if my post offends anyone. Hell. No I'm not!! I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. But, we've been through hell. Stephanie put us through hell and now she's in "heaven" which I don't really believe in.....okay...she's in the spirit enjoying things of the spirit and she didn't even have the decency to take a picture with her kids!

That's all. I might regret this...........but, I don't right now!

[Guest msnher]

And, I still mourn her death.....and, I still miss her. How messed up is that? I should be rejoicing that she's gone, shouldn't I? Damn! I'm just mad.

[Guest msnher]

All the scenes she caused in public places. And, then she was just tortured. She lost her kids. She lost everything. And, she was so sad. And, when she came back from treatment she seemed so different. So free. It was going to be a new beginning. But, it wouldn't have been. It would have been worse............and, she would have gotten her kids back.

I really want to fight God. I want to give Steph a piece of my mind. But, she already felt like a piece of ****. What kind of mother wants to kick their own child? Me. I'm THAT mother.

Source Energy. Jesus Christ. Buddha. Mother Earth. I don't give a damn. I know there's something....some kind of creator out there...........and, I want to kick his/her ass!!!!!

[Guest msnher]

Oh God!! Where are you? Where is she? Why do you allow such innocent children to suffer? Tortured children grow up to be tortured adults. Whose fault is it? Christians blame Satan. That's an easy out for not taking responsibility for ones self. And, where the hell do you fit in? How cushy for you! What a great job you have! You get all the glory when things go right and Satan gets all the blame when things go wrong!

Or, hell.....we just blame each other! But, nobody ever seems to hold you accountable!! It's always the parents fault. And their parents fault and then their parents fault..........Well, ****, God...

We all pray to you and talk to you. Hell, I even profess to have heard directly from you! Well F that!! I don't believe we arose out of nothing. I believe you're out there. Did you create us all to punish us? Oh God! What were those babies thinking as their mother killed them? What do the children in Afghanastan think when they watch their homes get blown up or themselves get blown up? What does the little boy on the streets of Chicago think when his brother is shot by a drive by shooter?

Where the hell are you???? This isn't my day of reconing, God. This is yours!! Apparently I'll get mine...as if you haven't done enough already! Ya...I forgot...we suffer now so we can worship you later. F that!! You're either all powerful or you're nothing. I'm daring you!!!!! Ya...you'll show me power. You'll take more of the people I love. Kill more innocent children. Well, bring it on!

[hotrod]

Dear, Dear Susannah I hear you and so understand your pain and anger.

You are a compassionate, loving mother who has endured a huge loss and are trying to comprehend the events that lead up to it.

Addiction is a dreadful illness and unfortuantely your precious child Stephenie and my wonderful son, Stephen both struggled to overcome the powerful efffects of this isidious killer of souls.

Please be very gentle with yourself, keep close to us and know that you and Stephenie loved each other with a special love that addiction could not destroy. I know I have some very painful memories of Stephen's last year but the love we shared was more powerful. I am so grateful for that.

Sweet Carol What a special person you are!!! Take care and please rest Prayers for Ralph and the positive outcome at the Doctors

Betsy Glad that you are starting to unpack and would like to suggest that you treat yourself to breakfast at the diner tomorrow. It will help the job go smoother. Wish I could join you.

Leah Please check in keeping you in my thoughts.

Sonya and Sherry I hope you are ok

Dee, Bonnie, Rhonda, Kathy, Trudi Colleen Kriticmom, Jenn, Elaine and all Indigos Have a blessed night

[Guest msnher]

Okay. Well, now I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I can't remember what you called it the last time I got angry, Dee....a little tiff...a childlike tantrum.

Yep. That's me....

I'm spent. I'm sorry you wonderful people. You have helped me through the last several months more than I can say. If they don't kick me off, now, they should........so, I'm just going.

Blessings to each of you!!!

[mikesmum]

Sus - One of the blessings on this site is that we vent what we can't keep inside without fear or favour. Whether is it be challenging your belief in god, being angry at your girl for leaving at a time when you saw light at the end of her tunnel or any choices made that imapacted badly - this is the place to shout it out.

Here you might be angry but no one here judges you. The anger aimed wherever, is part of this cruel journey. Believing Steph had so much more to give including raising her babies, well I'm with you there. Mike waited almost 10 yrs before he finally had Harmony. She was one when he died. My anger saw his partner take that baby and severe all contact with us.

That anger is still with her. Steven's partner Kelly saw her at a department store this week. In Kelly's words she looked so angry when she saw Kelly she looked fit to explode.

I can hear the whatif and whys in your pain. Take a break if you need, but know you are always part of this family, this BI compassion that can't be found outside.

Freezing cold here - back to the calligraphy practice.....

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, Sus, I am so sorry that all of that history is something that is in your brain and torments your heart, and that it is something that you have to have the memories of it as having happened with/to/by your daughter, and consequently, to you...some people only read about those types of things in the paper, or hear of a neighbor's kids "getting into trouble again," and never really know the true depth of the situations, but you have had to live through it, in the process it became part of who you are, and now you must live through the agony of not always knowing how to feel about all that happened and the feelings that sometimes come along, and most of all, the huge end result of those things that happened---Stephanie is in heaven, and you and Gary are raising her kids. I know that you love those kids, but I think that it is perfectly normal for you to have these meltdowns sometimes...you can't stifle all of that, all of the time. And you can't unring a bell...all of the things that happened will always have happened, dammit, and they will always be with you, no matter if you live to be 140! You will always come across something that will bring it up again...even if just looking at her kids, or seeing them cock their head a certain way and you see Stephanie in front of you again...or, coming across videos on her phone that show her having a good time at the cost of her kids' safety, well-being, etc.

"I was this angry. Only now she's safe, happy and free and we are here to pick up the pieces.....again." It took amazing courage for you to allow yourself to say that out loud, Sus, and amazing courage to write it...

Complete forgiveness? Completely forgetting? I don't think it's possible. I can remember having heard over my growing up years, hearing adults talk at the time of funerals, etc., that people "sometimes make saints out of the dead"... and maybe that is what we sometimes do to be able to live with it, to be able to grieve through it---to be able to get around those feelings of resentment that creep in sometimes, that we now feel guilty about. You (and Gary) are grieving more than the loss of your daughter, Sus...you are also grieving the loss of the life you thought she was finally going to have...and, you are grieving the loss of your own life (and not just since Stephanie's death, either, but all that time before)...the plans you had for your future...even if they hadn't actually been made, in the back of our minds is that unformed thought that "when the kids leave to go out on their own" I will be able to come and go as I like, have the house just the way I want it, not have to make accommodations for someone else's needs, and most of all-- (here's the one that will make you laugh the most)---"I will not have to worry anymore." Ha! That's likely the biggest misconception of all! Yes, those unformed plans sitting on the back burner sometimes don't come about for a variety of reasons, from things totally out of our control and up to and including because we changed our minds. But with you and Gary, they not only didn't come about---but you didn't get to make your own choice about whether they would come about or not. And the most unimaginably different plans you could never have thought of DID come about--again, without you having any say in it...you lost your daughter, and now you are supposed to be a "young" mother again...able to keep up, able to jump in there, able to accommodate, able to whatever..."pick up the pieces...again" to do whatever is needed to guide these babies to adulthood. It's not a choice, and though it's likely you wouldn't choose to not do it if you had the choice, I think it's sometimes the lack of the choice in the matter that is the snake in the basket...

We all admire you and Gary so much, you are both amazing, amazing people. And it is okay to show that side that comes out of the basket, driven by that hidden snake, and it's okay when you feel you need to shout it out instead of hiding it any longer...it's okay. No, we don't think you're crazy, no we don't think you've said too much, and no, I don't think you've offended anyone by what you've written, Sus...that is what we are here for, more than any other place on this earth that you could go to or find...we are here, and we understand. Be mad---even at God, or creator, or spirit, or whatever you choose to call it...it's okay...He/it/she is big enough to take it. And He/she/it will always still be there for you...when your mad calms down and you need to find peace again.

sending love and peace to you, Sus, praying for the demons to settle back down and for you to have some peace again.

love, Carol

ps; I hope I haven't offended or upset YOU by writing this to you...reading your posts just struck a chord, and the words just came out...I'm holding my breath, saying a prayer, and hitting "send."

[shorty16]

Indigos

The counselor (Patti) from the HS called me back yesterday. I told her Trevor was living in my home and had been kicked out of his home. She stated is is illegal for her to kick him out and illegal for me to keep him, because I am neither blood nor marriage related. She told me to call Social Services.

I called Social Services and felt really bad about it. I gave her all the information she needed and she stated they would be in touch.

Here is the deal, My son, Aaron really does not have alot of friends. Trevor and him have been like brothers since Trevor came, I hate to ruin that. But the legal system has worked for me (when I work with it). Trevor will be 18 Jan of 2011.

I hope I did the right thing, If I did, how come I feel like such a smuck??

Colleen

[krichie]

Sue

Sorry you are tormented. I would like to share a little of my past with you.

When I was young(Many many yrs ago)I was in Steph's shoes.I became part of that lifestyle. Steph maybe to blame for some decisions but not all of them. The addiction takes control of all of your being and I do mean all of your being. You do not think about anything except the where,when,how to get the next fix/hit. Most people think this feeling pass's as time goes by maybe hours or days but it does not the hunger gets stronger and you get more desperate.I lied to my mom, but I did not do it to hurt her. I did it to protect her and to make one part of my life a little more bearable. I did not go down all the paths your poor Steph had to travel but I can understand how and why she was stuck on them. I have been drug free for over 27 years but I can tell you I still have that hunger sometimes. I am not sure what made me finally find the right path but I did find it. Steph was so young and I can tell by your letter and other stories she was searching for the right path but it is a hidden path and hard to find. Why did you not see the lies well we are very manipulative and now how to hide things addicts plan and and have it all layed out before parents can wrap their minds around it. It is not you fault you did not see, it would probably not changed a thing at that particular time. Time was what was needed for Steph, to grow and learn and see that hidden path, maybe her feet where already on the first grassy slope

I want to describe addiction like being 2 people in one body but thats not accurate, because ppl will think that one is good and the other is bad neither is bad but they both want different things. So I like Steph had to fight those 2 powerfully things in my mind and still fight my family and friends and life in general every second of the day. My mom was angry and yelled, kicked and screamed at me, was disappointed ect... but you know what I knew she was all those things because I meant so much to her and she loved me. I am sure Steph new this too. We all say things in anger and out of love that sound mean and hateful but it is not. Its done to shock people into seeing what is happening around them.

Your Steph was a wonderful person fighting to become that someone more that we all want to be. Given time she would be the loving mother the gracious daughter. Just like all our children would of become more then they were when their angel date rolled around. Sorry this is probably all jar-belled, I can not find words for my thoughts. I know what I want to say but getting it down is hard. Big hug to you Sue.

As far as the videos of her being happy, keep them just because you see none with her kids does not mean there was none of those happy laughing moments with them. Enjoy her smile and her laugh. Sharing them with her kids- that is your decsions you live with them and know how they are handling this past year. I personally would wait till they are older and ask question but each child and situation is diffrent.

I am sending you the biggest hug today. Please do not leave us. You are feeling what needs to be felt to carry on and heal I believe.

[lostwoher]

Thank you Susannah for putting my thoughts in type

[ericasmom]

Krichie, what a kind offering of your early years. I am so glad that you found your way through and out of the lifestyle that traps folks.

Susannah, I am sorry that Stephanie found such suffering in her life, and therefore put the kids, You, and her whole family, in so many life altering experiences. I am sure from those I know who also were/are addicted, and from Krichie here today, that this is not ever what a person wants in their lives. That of course does not change what is, Carol said it, a bell cannot be un-rung. (love that).

Where you are on the timeline of your life is not at all what you pictured at any time in your life. Mourning the loss of your hopes is HUGE, and being worried about the future is HUGE. THe kids have been through so much, and they will have to work on those affects for a long time. You know what it feels like to have had a traumatic childhood and so you know what it takes to find some even road in which to walk. But you didn't have Sus and Gary helping you either, and school counselors and therapists. It is not the same, there is more help being offered.

Being mad at STeph. You are not out of line in being mad at her. She created many hellious times in your lives and yet there is that LOVE. She is yours, and she is in your heart, but there is no wrong in being angry with her. Angry with the Creator too. I am sure you are not the first that has raised a fist at whomever started this world. Anger adn sadness, we all have it, finding which is which is helpful in the long run, allowing you to filter light through those emotions and dealing with them. Sadness, we all know sadness here on this site. Anger is trickier I think. I do believe however that you can love and be angry with someone at the same time as that is what you feel in your heart. Being angry at STephanie for the choices she made and the situations the Kids and you were put in is in my opinion, normal. You may need help getting through the anger so that it can be understood better and so that you can rest knowing that you are human, anger is part of being human.

The videos brought a lot forward for you. You asked for advice in showing them or not to the kids. That is going to be something you decide in the moment. With the kids in school you will have time to rattle around inside your spirit, be kind to yourself with all that floods in.

I wish you some sort of solace on this day aNd each.