Loss of an Adult Child

[mysonrich]

I'm sorry Dee and Claudia if this subject hurts you. Dee,you are probably the one that understands or can make sense of my reaction. Bad beginning of the day/week. A young man, 27, died Saturday just down the road from me.  He was sitting on the tracks. I found his guestbook and sincerely wanted to reach out to his parents and brother. I did write something, short..of course never enough. since that time i have started to cry. I guess I should have remained quiet and maybe this would not have started. I don;t have the strength nor time of healing to help anyone. That is what I was trying to convey to Susannah about her grief book. With Rich's death , forever, and with Stephanie, reaching out or trying to help , its hard

[ericasmom]

Carol, love the penny story, so glad that you and hubby trust the instincts of children and you stopped. I imagine Mike is beaming.

If you are getting our weather, it did not get as volumous as first believed, at least so far. We had wind and very wet snow, but only about 2 inches. So hopefully it will be gentle to those who have already had too much.

Thanks for the good wishes for safe travel,

When I kiss my boy, I kiss him with the love of all of you,

dee

[shorty16]

Hello my Indigo friends

A light snow in Wisconsin greated me this morning on my drive to work.  Not too much only 5 inches.

I think of the indigos ever day and wanted to start my week off right.

Hello from the snowy North

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest]

Good morning Indigo's,

5 degrees this morning.  We received some snow over the weekend, but not much, comparatively speaking. 

Betsy - I'm back in the "maybe" mode of a book.  I realized something this weekend, the only thing being asked of me is to share myself.  I try to talk to much.  Explain too much.  Share too much.  When in reality, all any of us want is to be heard.  To be validated.  Sometimes that's best done in silent knowing.  I'm not good at the silent part.  I'm not ready to teach or lead anyone.  But, I am ready to stand beside them.  Or crawl beside them.  Or sit in the filthy trenches beside them.

We all do that everyday.  Right here.  You all do that with me.  I realized I'm not being asked to lead or teach, I'm being asked to say, "I know how that feels."

Each of you do that.  I came to Beyond Indigo three months after Stephanie died in complete despair.  I hadn't slept in days, and I couldn't quit crying.  I wasn't able to function the simplest of tasks.  I was a mess!  You, Betsy, were one of the many people who reached out to me.  You shared your story.  All of you told me there would be better days.  All of you promised me I would notice the sun again.  I was so desperate, I had no choice but to hang onto each of your words.

In a sense, you all saved me.  The depth of my gratitude is deep and wide.

Right now I am experiencing a bit of remission from the intense pain, and I welcome it.  But, who knows if I would even still be here if it weren't for all of you.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotsauce]

good morning to EVERYONE here at BI

just stopping by to say hello and say i am okay. never know what to write about .

i hope everyone is doing okay.  still alot of snow on the groung now the weather is calling for heavy rain.  can't wait for spring.  

take care and please be safe

lots of hugs

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[andrewsmother]

Hi Gang

I don't have too much time to write as I'm at work but wanted to share something.  Yesterday, on the discovery health channel they showed a documentary called "I was dead".  I saw it by chance, It  is the story of several different people that had near death experiences and lived to tell about it.  I for one found it very comforting. 

I'm sure it will play again, if you can find it, I recommend you watch it, I found a link for it that shows a trailer.

http://health.discovery.com/videos/health-promos-i-was-dead.html

Amy, just wanted to share that your Ashley has a birthday the same day as mine, it is November 26th, right?  You mentioned in your message she had a birthday on Thanksgiving.

Much love to you all, will post again soon.

Rosie, Andrew's mom

 

 

[hotrod]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

 I found his guestbook and sincerely wanted to reach out to his parents and brother. I did write something, short..of course never enough. since that time i have started to cry. I guess I should have remained quiet and maybe this would not have started.

Good Morning Dear Indigos,

Dear Betsy, I am so sorry you are again feeling the sadness and loss of your precious son Rich.  Yes, reaching out to another who has experienced the loss of a child,did force me to reach inside to the pain I experienced with the loss of Stephen.

  It is exhausting and painful to share at this heart level.  You are right,   It cost a great deal but is important to someone so new to this journey. You sincerely helped your neighbor today and I am glad you came here to recharge your energy.  We all just need someone to walk side by side with us and when we are in the darkness to just remind us that we are not alone and all that is required is to be gentle with ourselves and Breathe.

I agree Colleen, I too think about my Indigo family all during the day so it is important to just begin each morning with acknowledging each of you.

Mary Ann and Dee, so glad that the snow storm has been reduced in  intensity.  We have all had enough.  I hope you stay warm and safe today

Carol I am praying for your sister, Dorothy and I do hope you enjoy the Grandchildren's visit this week.  Love the Penny story  Thanks

Susannah I am so glad you are experiencing a reprieve from your sadness.  Good to see Stephenie's smile today.

I am heading out to the funeral service today.  The pain is palpable at the reception so  I will bring all you all with me.  All I need to do is show up and if I can only stay for a short time then so be it.  I no longer believe in sacrificing my well BEING by pretending to be strong!!!

Stay well all Indigos You are in my Heart

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[shorty16]

Betsy

Just wanted to thank you for always reading and responding to each of our posts.  You are very good like that.

I should read more and respond to each of your situations, but I am not strong enough. 

Seems reality keeps slapping me in the face lately.  Even after 20 months, the pain is not severe anymore, but the missing and longing pull at my heart like a semi.

I really do think of each of you throughout the day.  Knowing others have survived this, really gives me hope.

You are all my friends.

[daniellemom]

Hi everyone, just wanted to say hey to everyone.

Bonnie - So sorry the dark clouds are around you and Rich, my prayers are with you both.

Kathy - As always my prayers are with BJ that he may see the light and go into rehab. Stay strong.

Ashley's Mom- Welcome to BI, you daugher is so beautiful. You have found a place with wonderful people and that will help you on your new life.

Betty - The not smoking is not going so well. I have started back but will try again March 1st. Not sure why I started back but maybe because I have control over that. That sounds good any way.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

Betty, the strength is actually in your recongnizing that you cannot sacrifice your emotional health for the guise of looking strong or being strong. I think that one thing we learn in this very hard reality we find ourselves, is that in order to live our best life, we must not sacrifice our emotional, spiritual, and mental health. When you go to the funeral, we will walk in with you and sit with you, we will cry with you and our hearts will be beating hard in our chests as yours is. JOined we are as we make our way.

Loving you Betty.

Betsy, I am so sorry that the young man sat on the tracks, I have avoided writing about the three teenage girls that lost their lives yesterday on the tracks in Florida, oh my goodness, I just could hardly move off the mark yesterday as I read about them. WHat their parents and families must deal with and the poor 16 year old boy with them, watching them as he screamed, JUMP! I think that the tears flowing are from your soul, the missing of your Boy and the thought that a neighbor has to do this life without their child...let them flow Betsy, it is not weakess that makes tears, it is love.

That same day, a young lady not far from here also got slammed by a train.

I think that your letting the Momma or Family know that you were there visiting the book to lend some support is fine, and while we none of us can make it better for them, we can let them know that we get it. That alone is pretty powerful to a parent that finds themselves spinning in circles trying to digest the sudden loss of their child.

While we may not be able to give advice, we give what we have because we don't want anyone to be all alone. You are a good woman Betsy.

dee

Sonya, good to see you.

[4everjoeysmom]

Betsy, SO sad to hear about your neighbor loss. Your post did not hurt me. I don't think anything can hurt me as much as losing my boy. There are reminders of that, which are sad. But to think someone else is going through the same horrific tragedy, shock, pain, questions--everything I felt, in much the same way because the death is so similar...just sad! I understand why it's hard for you to post and help. You have to get through some of your own tough stuff first sometimes so that when you are looking from the other side of that hurdle, you have more clarity and peace. It will come...at the pace your heart needs it to. Don't feel bad for what you cannot give yet. A time will come. HUGS!!! ~Claudia

P.s., I found it online as well, and lit a candle and sent a message to the family. Thank you..

His name was Joseph, aka Joey, and he was born exactly 2 weeks after my Joey in the same year. Amazing similarities in the names, birthday times, and cause of death...

[aim630]

Hope everyone is doing ok-thanks for making me feel welcome here. This is an absolute lifesaver. I feel like no one else really understands. All your kids are beautiful too.

First day back at work, not too bad. Most people did not even acknowledge the situation, which kind of hurt my feelings, but I realize most people do not know what to say & were afraid of making me cry. I do payroll for a large company. I had so much to do today, I really did not have time to think, which is good right now. The less thinking the better.

I feel like I can function, but that's about it. Just going through the motions because I have to. I feel like I will never be truly happy about anything again. Even if something good happens, I will be sad because Ashley is not here to experience it. I have 3 stepchildren, all around Ashley's age, and they all have their own kids. I am jealous that my husband still gets to talk to them & still spend time with them, and I can't spend anymore time with Ashley, or speak to her at all, and she will never have any kids. I know it is wrong to feel that way, I love them too, and would never want anything bad to happen to any of them.

I hope I am not always this bitter, I don't want to turn in to that kind of person. I want to be able to be a good parent to my other daughter, but I have a hard time getting excited about her accomplishments right now, because Ashley is gone. I know how terrible that is. Maybe as more time goes by I won't feel this way.

Has anyone else felt that way, and do those feelings go away over time? I don't want Katie to lose me as well as her sister.

I'm sorry I did not respond to everyone's situation. I know all I've done is talk about myself & Ashley so far. I am reading everything you guys write, and feel a connection.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest]

Amy - If I'm not mistaken, I am the newest here next to you and Rosie.  I think there are a few others, but rarely post, which is also okay.  As I have read her words, and now yours, I am amazed at the similarities.  They're the same words, almost.  It's okay that you talk about you.  Do that!  Do that with us a lot!  It is healing. 

Love to each of you! 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[4everjoeysmom]

I certainly recognize all of the newer posts as places I've been, feelings I've had, words I have spoken. Amy, it will ease in time. How old is your surviving daughter? It helped my surviving son to read some materials for surviving siblings/loss of siblings. The hardest battle they have and us in nurturing the relationships we still share is to not feel that they must compete with a ghost, so to speak, for our attention. We have the natural response and propensity to memorialize out lost kids up onto a pedestal they never would have been put on at a like-level if they were still here, and that makes it so hard for the surviving kids to compete for our attentions and affections, our adoration, appreciation, and approval. It's hard not to retreat, and it's a hard fight not to alienate. But you and your daughter could grow much closer through this experience of loss, pain and survival together. Don't walk on eggshells around her, but be sure to ask her how she is feeling and let her express herself openly as well--no matter how hard. Because that's the sacrifice of a mother for her children. She's here now, and she needs you. And if the struggle becomes too overwhelming, maybe getting in to a counselor for a time could be helpful... One step at a time...BABY STEPS. Everyone here will support you through the bad and the good--and there will be both. But yes, in time it wills soften For now it's a tsunami, and we just have to ride the rough seas for a time. Thank God we have support here among kindred and gracious people who understand and care. HUGS!!! ~Claudia (4EverJoeysMom)

[daveydow1]

Susannah---Brrrr....so cold there in Wyo. I traveled through your state a

few years ago.....such beautiful scenery,...and another great thing....Horses

everywhere. Seems nearly everyone there owns a few.

Betsey----So sorry you are feeling 'down' . Thoughts & prayers.

Trudi---Oh, it would be great to look outside and see a kaola or a kangaroo.

Poor Muttley & Charlie---being afraid of rain and thunder. My old cat heads for

the closet whenever it thunders & storms.

Amy---Beautiful pic of Ashley & Katy.  Thanks for sharing.

Kathy---There had to be an autopsy for Davey since it was a fatal motor vehicle

accident. It was painful thinking about it, but nothing to be done. It is very

understandable that Jessica had to have one, considering the medical condition

and little Tavian. I try to forget about it as best I can.....sometimes not easy to do.

Peace & comfort, friend. Prayers for BJ.

Claudia---The pic of Patrick in the tunnel with light at the end is very inspiring,

and I can see why you thought of Joey when you saw it. 

Betty----I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of wildlife when we get moved. I keep

thinking of the NYC hawks that soar around your area. They must be so nice to

see, and Stephen is surely letting you know that he is with you.

Carol---I ,too, loved the penny story. That reminds me.....I was in a Barnes&Noble

bookstore a couple days ago, and spotted a penny lying on a table of books. I

picked it up.....hoping it would be a 1971......it wasn't......but it WAS 1975 !  I kept

it for good luck!

Leah---The pic of  JaBoa you posted is so sweet. Bless her.

Dee-----Soup sounds great....especially in this bad weather. Thoughts & prayers

for a safe and enjoyable snowboarding trip for Jon.

    PEACE & TRANQUILITY AND A GOOD NIGHT'S REST FOR ALL HERE AT BI.

                Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry     

      

[summergirl]

Amy - so glad you have found it comfortable here. My goodness how could you possibly talk about anything right now except your Ashley, your other daughter, your step children, your job.....it is all about you right now. We are here for you, we who have been here so much longer, have been where you are now are here for you so let the words fly about anything you want. In time you will come to know each of us and further down the road you will be able to respond to posts as you feel. I remember when I first came here I talked about me, me, me for a long time...it is what saved me...the people here who allowed me the freedom to say what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted.....I still do that now and then, just ask anyone here and they will tell you how I am sometimes all about ME.....it is the acceptance of those here who allow us to take those baby steps forward and when we falter and take 5 steps backwards they bring us forward once again. So keep talking my friend, keep talking.

Claudia - thank you my friend for your words about my son, it is comforting to the soul when all here respond as best as they can.  The drug rehab is a no go...I talked to him this morning and offered to pay for it but the reply was "F**** that, I am not going to rehab, I am getting out of New York"....so that answers any questions that I have had....my heart and soul love him more than I can say but the door has been closed, one that I wanted open forever because I was sure that I could save him or the day would come when he would take the right path and "my son" would be the man I know he is inside. All that is left to do is pray and take comfort from all of you who have listened with open minds and hearts, never questioning me, you simpy accept me for who I am and offer what help you can...I am forever grateful to all of you.    I have often asked myself "what kind of Mother am I" but I know that I can no longer do that to myself, I am a good mother, a loving mother and have done all that I can...now I leave it to God.

Susannah - I love how you write, I love how you express yourself...you are an amazing woman....so glad to have you here even though we all hate why we are here.  Say it like it is...thats my motto.

Dee - prayers as your son travels.

Tavian is not feeling well (oh no !!!) so I am going to spend a little time with him before bed time. I gave him some tylenol (tell him it is sleepy medicine ) so he will be sleeping soon.

To all indigos....always in my heart and prayers.

Love and sweet dreams to all, Kathy

[lolynbo]

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL AMY IS.. I HOPE I GET THAT RIGHT IM STILL VERY SICK...BUT GOT UP TODAY TO GO TO MEETING AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET AND GET THIS NO ONE SHOWED UP EXCEPT ME..AND IM THE SICK ONE.....OH WELL

ANYWAY AMY IS BEAUTIFUL I DIDNT READ OR CATCH HOW SHE BECAME AN ANGEL BUT..... I WILL SEARCH WHEN I CAN

WANTED TO POST A PIC OF KODY AND BROOKE AT WINTER BALL.......HOPE EVERYONE HAS  A BLESSED DAY AND EVE

[namb1992]

amy

 

I know exactly how you feel about trying to be happy for accomplishments of the other children and wondering if happiness will be something you find again.  I lost my son Nate on 11/28/09.  It has been 12 weeks and 3 days.  I have 3 surviving children 15, 12 and 8.  I try to be happy and perky for them and their activities and then find the nearest bathroom.  I have a couple really good days and then some really down and out bad days.  I am very fortunate that I work in a place where everyone cares about me and they they love to talk about Nate and the times he always stopped at work.  I am fortunate to have that connect at work yet at times it can be a burden.  I am sorry for your loss and I am far from a expert to give you advice since I just try to figure out how to get thru the days.  Take one day at a time and the one thing that I learned is to care about myself more because I need to stay healthy physically and mentally for my other children.  Through this journey I lost my significant other I guess it was too much for him or he expected me to go back to normal.  I know that I have changed and I have some unpleasant days but I learned to say today is a bad day and I apologize in advance. 

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

Loved the picture!  Very cool!

Carol,

Hope you're feeling better!  Love the penny story!

Amy,

Never apologize for sharing your heart.  Personally, I don't know how you get up in the morning!  Feb 19th?  I send you strength .........

Kathy,

I've been cold and I can't tell you how much I LOVE my cozy blanket!  And I think of you every time I snuggle into it. Thank you!

For some reason, I've thought a lot lately about those first hours and days after Jay died. I type those words and even after all this time, they just don't seem real. How can he be gone? 

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[arc4ever]

Been away for a long time, sorry I have missed birthdays and angel days and everything.  Just freaking out a bit.  Two year date is fast approaching - March 25th - starting to feel it pressing down on my heart.

Thanks for reaching out to me Bonnie, I'm here, I'm hanging on.

For any new parents - my deepest love and compassion, understanding and prayers (if you don't mind!) are sent you way. 

Love Terrie (Adam's mom)

[summergirl]

Bonnie - can you use another frog blanket ?? It is one of the first patterns I used and I love it, it is like the one I have made for Tavian....another frog blanket but in the greens...not quite as colorful as the other one. I have been meaning to finish it and need a reason to so if you want it you will doing me a favor as I need a purpose to get it done. I have always loved to make things for others especially when I know how much they appriciate it and will treasure it....oh what the heck, I will finish it and send it on to you....love you and so glad you are snuggly warm....Kathy

[lolynbo]

WELL THE 27TH IS BARRELING DOWN ON ME...KOURTNEYS 24TH BIRTHDAY....ORDERED 2 CAKES TODAY FOR HER BDAY AND KOURTNEYS KLOSET 1 YR ANNIVERSARY....

HOOOOOHUMMMMMMM

[ericasmom]

Terrie, so good to see Adam's smile. I am sorry for your feeling so blue or sad lately. Two years is a long time and I know that right before our two year, I had a very hard time, very hard. From that point on however, I found a new rhythm and energy and I will hoep the same for you.  I think that winter is  taking its toll on folks as far as lack of sunshine, and being housebound. SO i pray for some warmer temps for you out east. The days are getting longer adn even in the snowy dark morning today, the cardinal called out his happy song. A few other birds songs this morn, but I could not identify them.

Sherry, the soup was good, and Jon with his cold seemed to enjoy it. We sat together tonight, he leaves tomorrow, and I told him that wherever he goes, I am traveling with him in his heart. "I know Mom."

Carol, thanks for good travel thoughts to Jon.

Bonnie, are you doing okay?

Lorri, just like Terrie, going through a birthday soon or an anniversary can unhinge what we have been able to cobble together. But it won't all come crashing down, the structures you have built will wobble, but the you, the spirit and base of you will remain.

Thanks for sharing the winter ball. HOw cute first love is.

Namb, I am glad that you find yourself getting through the days with your younger ones, knowing tha tyou are doing this on your own...I am holding your hand.

TOo bad that your partner could not handle the changes in the life you shared, I guess when we cannot control things, others become uncomfortable. The loss is theirs as you needn't spend time and energy trying to keep someone's ego up.

Amy, keep telling us about your life adn your Girls, tell us about the step children. WE get it, the jealousy the mix of emotions. It is not selfish to talk about yourself, who are you supposed to talk about right now, you are only two weeks into this mayhem.

Love to you all, oh I agree Claudia, that photo is a cool snap and I see what you must have seen.

Love and sleep,

dee

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

another frog blanket would keep me and Emily from fighting over it! ;-)

They really are warm and soft ..... do you make pj's too?  ;-)

Love!

Dee,

Doing okay ...... just teetering on the edge of that black hole ..... I think life is just a little overwhelming right now. My Dad, the lawsuits, Rich's heart, Rich's job loss ..... whew!

I feel like Jay is so, so far away ..... I woke up the other night thinking that he's okay, he's just focused on Grandpa's journey.  Where do these thoughts come from?

There is so much saddest lately ...... and sad can be so heavy.  So, I hope for a lighter tomorrow.

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[mikesmomrs]

Amy:  "Has anyone else felt that way, and do those feelings go away over time? I don't want Katie to lose me as well as her sister."  Yes, Amy, we have all felt that way, and though It may take some time, you will eventually come to know and even eventually accept that Katie has already lost the "you" that was.  We are never the same after this---there is no more "normal."  We create, over time, a "new normal," and a new "us."  How could we ever remain the same?  I think it was Dee who said once "we are changed when we give birth; why wouldn't we be changed when our child dies?"  (I know this is paraphrased, but I think I kept the meaning intact)   It is very possible that you and your daughter will become closer through this, but the depth of that new closeness takes time to build.  My younger daughter, Cathi, and I have become closer since her brother's passing, but she was 38 at the time...much older than your Katie is now, and still it took time.  She was very close to Mike, (we lost Mike, at the age of 31, to brain cancer, on Oct 14, 06), and she has also "changed" since his passing.  She has become more sensitive, more in tune with the basics of life, and the shortness of it---and she was a person who already had a pretty good grip on and understanding of that. 

I am so glad that you have come to BI, as you will find much support and understanding here, as well as finding that here is a place where you will come to realize that this journey is so different for each of us, and yet so very much the same...the pain is there, the ache is there, always, but these will soften over time, and healing will come, and you will see the sun again; you will hear yourself laugh again...the sound of it shocking you at first, but with it will come the realization that the sun and your laughter can live alongside the pain and the ache---and you will find your breath again. 

Meantime, come here, unload, say whatever you need to say, share your precious Ashley and your beautiful Katie with us.  Let us help you through the dark days, let us celebrate the sun with you when it comes again...and it will, Amy, it will---Ashley will make sure of that.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs 

[mysonrich]

Betty, Dee, Claudia ,Susannah, Sherry, Colleen, thanks for holding me up yesterday with your words, advice, shared knowing. I feel better today.

I think you’re right Dee, the winter seems mighty long. A tease here and there with sunny sky’s but back today to rain/ice, whatever is thrown this way.

Claudia, I read your entry. If needed I hope they reach out to you.

Colleen, I often wonder if you went back to your speaking in drivers ed class. I don’t see you write about it so I have guessed, not. Understandable and brave that you are, that is also just to hard.

Betty, thinking of you .

Bonnie, I was thinking of Jason the other day when I saw that there is a Pinnacle mountain/hill here.

Yes. Missing Rich. I saw another young face in the paper and saw my son.

I better get going. At a meeting yesterday we were told that as a collective group “ we suck”. Our numbers suck. Don’t stand. Hold the applause. No cheering. Look at my road as an individual and then tell me I suck. I suck but I’m there. :-P

Did someone say “career builder”

Betsy,mysonRich

　

[ericasmom]

Maybe Dear Bonnie, those thoughts come right from the source, maybe Jason is letting you know that he is watching over the future crossing of his Grandad. He feels so far away, I remember feeling that on and off in the first three years, like, WHERE ARE YOU ERI? I have to figure that she has many places to see and be, so while I don't always get to feel her wonderful presence, I know I will one day just be struck by the sense of her, and be made calmer again.

I hope that today is a gentler day too, that somehow the promise of spring allows you some relief. YOu have had an awful ont on your plate so please be kind and gentle to YOU>

Hey Sucky Girl, what a nice way to motivate people. Our superintendent that came on to ruin our district 5 years ago opened her first talk with us by saying, "oh, you're good, everyone knows that Oak Park teachers are good," so we are all smiling thinking she knows we're good, yippppeeeee, and then she goes on to say, "but you are not great, and that is what I intend to make you, GREAT!"

Really, you intend to make 10 schools worth of teachers great because you are WHO? So in the five years since, our test scores go down as the amount of testing and spending go up. Go figure. I think that those that are in charge need to step down and let the real workers figure it out. YES Betsy, you show up and you do good things for the folks around you and I would guess that you are a hard working human.

Carol,you indeed captured what I felt and said, how can we not change, how would we and why would we get over the death of our Baby, we never will forget the birth of our Child, nor the ways that our life changed due to that Being, why/how would we not change from their leaving?

Once loved, forever loved. They carry our love with them everywhere, as we do theirs. That is what gets me through the darkest days, our love is in them, their love in us, always their parent, always our Child. Amen to that.

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's

Hot cup of coffee in hand, the kids are still asleep....appreciating the small things.

Terri - It was so good to see Adam's smiling face this morning!  I'm sorry you're in a dark place. 

Amy - I remember right after Stephanie died, I resented my step daughter and step son.  I have been able to work through it.

Namb - So good to see Nate's face again!  Trying to stay strong for your kids.  Boy, I get that!  I wasn't able to pull it off for long, though.  I finally crashed.  The kid's counselor told me it was a must that the kids see me cry.  That gave them permission to cry.  Sometimes that was the only way they could cry.  So...we all sat in my grieving chair and cried a lot.  Now, they laugh a lot, too...   I found myself laughing the other day.  A sincere, belly laugh.  It sounded so foreign, I laughed more.

Bonnie - When I read your question about where the thoughts come from regarding you waking thinking Jason is just busy helping Grandpa.....my first thought was, that thought came from Jason.  I've read that it's that first waking up or just before dozing off, that we are most susceptible to "hearing" and receiving spiritual messages.  We just have to be aware of them. 

Sherry, Claudia, Kathy, Dee, Carol, Betty, Betsy, Dan, Greg, Leah, Sue, Pam, Rosie, Trudi and all other indigo's.....loving you and hoping you're well!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

Thanks Susannah & Dee,  confirmation is what I needed.  Jason, stay with Grandpa. Take away any fear and help him embrace the light and freedom from pain that await him.

Betsey, Applause ...... love it.  Please don't stress ..... like you said, you're there!

Our Emily is playing softball.  It was a struggle to get her Mom to agree but she finally did.  Her foster court date comes up March 2nd.  Her 15th birthday will be March 1st.  We've decided to wait and celebrate when things are not so tense.

But her birthday surprise that will show up on her birthday is a purple and zebra bedroom makeover ......

Yep, she's a purple and zebra kind of gal!  ;-)

Sunshine for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[shorty16]

Betsy

I stopped speaking at drivers ed classes a long time ago.  Way too stressfull.

I often think of Mike and the 10 speeches a year for 5 years he has to do during his probation.  Reliving that moment is horrific. 

I do not see Mike or Sam anymore since wrestling is over.  That has greatly reduced the stress in my life.

Thanks for remembering me Betsy - You are really something.

Colleen

[rlolheiser]

Good Morning all my friends,

I have felt quiet since JaBoa's birthday, been doing a lot of thinking.  Yes I had a lot of down times, and upset at people around here for not saying anything.  I made it, and it was thanks to all of you.  Each of you made me feel my little girl was important. and I guess the post from Betty really made me see the light JoBoa will live forever in your heart and with all here at Beyond Indigo  She is an angel and will not be forgotten  I have to quit dwelling on the people around me and what they feel, it is their loss for not remembering our angels

Sherry, thank you for your coment on JaBoa's picture, I wish I had more on my computer but until I can get some copied on disc I can't get them on this relic.

I have read the posts and bring you all into my heart, I share your hopes and dreams for the future and I share the sadness and darkness of the past.  I see a little bit of us in eveybody's posts even though we are far apart we have a common goal and that is to love our angels

Carol, I hope your sister is doing alright, my mom has COPD too, it is tough stuff

love to all

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

 

[lostwoher]

 Just stopping in to say "Hello".

Thinking of you All.

HUGS!

Lynn aka Kayla & Trav's Mom :?

 Come on SPRING

[hotrod]

[user=38955]rlolheiser[/user] wrote:

Good Morning all my friends,

I have read the posts and bring you all into my heart, I share your hopes and dreams for the future and I share the sadness and darkness of the past.  I see a little bit of us in eveybody's posts even though we are far apart we have a common goal and that is to love our angels

Good Morning Indigos

My goodness Leah so clear and concise!!The words  above really  sums up this precious group and what we are all about  Thank you.  Only a few more days before that tooth is history.  Praying for you.

Kim, Terrie, Amy I am so glad to see you here again posting.  It cheers my heart.

 

Colleen You are right reliving the most painful event of our lives, is extremely stressful. I understand the need to give up that project. 

 

Bonnie,  I am so sorry that you are in this dark spot.  Please stay close to BI I know it helped me during those day. You have helped so many  It is now time to let us try to be there for you. Your little  Foster Daughter is very fortunate to be able to share a part of her life with your family.  So  much love !!!.

 

Betsy I do love your humor and your heart.  I remembered recently that you shared a brief story of how dedicated you were.  You talked about trying extra hard to help someone in Marcia's town.  It certainly sounds like a dedicated employee to me.  As Dee pointed out The new management style leaves a great deal to be desired!!! Remember it pays the bills and Rich is very proud of you.

 

Sonya  I continued to fail to stop smoking until I took the new Medication Chantix.  It is covered under my RX Plan and it worked!!  I was amazed.  I really did not want to stop- Dr suggested that  I try this pill and smoking became "History"  

 

Lorrie and Kathy   This is a difficult time for both of you.  I am holding warm thoughts of you.

 

Sherry Your mentioning the Hawks in NY reminded me that during the summer I was walking down the street and One landed on the sidewalk right in front of me.  He was  holding his prey in his claws and was just sitting there.  People with cell phone cameras were taking pictures but I did not have mine He looked so majestic and proud   That was a real treat. 

 

Dee, Carol and Claudia: I wanted to thank you for the depth of wisdom, kindness and empathy  you have shared in explaining this  journey to the "New Normal" to Amy, Kim and Rosie.

Trudie  I do hope you, Mutley, Charley, Mal and all are doing well

 

I think how fortunate they and Susannah are to have joined BI so soon after their loss.  .  I remember that I did not join BI until I was so very lost.  Stephen had been gone for over a year and a half and I had made little to no progress. I was smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day, isolating, angry and doing only the minimum to get by.  I started out  reading only and felt better so I ventured to share and then I believe I began my journey to the "New Normal".

 

I no longer smoke, I have taken care of important dental work and have surgery to  implant a stent so my circulation is improved.  My relationships have taken on a new level and at times I can say I am content and can laugh. Being able to be there for my friend this week after the loss of her son was very draining and difficult for me but with the tools I have gained here and my own recovery, I was able to be there and somehow share the journey of "Life on Life's terms." 

 

Lynn, Mary Ann, Greg, Dan, Beth, Colleen and all Indigos have a blessed day

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

   

[4everjoeysmom]

"New Normal".... I kind of see myself as that porcelain or clay vase that once sat in fullness, full of beautiful flowers. Then one day the table where I sat rocked, and I fell to the floor, braking in many pieces. That hands that made me picked me up, on piece at a time, for what could be salvaged. My maker knew that I would never go back together as I once was, but saw me of great value and still of divine purpose. SO I was put upon a potter's wheel once more. As the salvageable pieces were bonded together, there were now cracks and missing pieces. But my maker is not giving up on me, even though another vase will sit in my place for a while. Over time I can imagine being remade, reformed, and bonded. I may get a new glaze finish when I am ready. And I will hold water and beautiful flowers again...this I know. But for today, I have some cracks that keep me "on the mend". I am still "broken", but not as I once was while I was scattered across the floor. I have been picked up and am now a wonderful work in progress. Though it doesn't feel wonderful along some parts of the process, and others may not recognize the beauty I once beheld, still I am with hope for the vision "the Maker" has in me. I will not be abandoned to broken despair.

Love & Hugs to all who are being remade..... the journey to new normal.

[shorty16]

Indigos,

 

I am really in a funk lately.  No big anniversaries or birthdays coming up for Brian, so I do not know why I am so down.  The sun not being out and the weather still cold may have something to do with it.

 

I just feel so useless when I come home.  I have no energy or drive to do anything. 

 

My two girlfriends (Georgia and Judy) invited me out to dinner again.  I am having a hard time saying yes.  All I can think about is those two have intact families and they can never know the pain I feel.  What we talk about used to be important to me, but now it is nothing but gibberish.  I know those two are trying to keep me going, but I guess I am jealous of them.  I am jealous they get to go home to their intact families when each day I drive home to Brian never being there again. 

 

What is wrong with me - Someone come here and slap some scents into me

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

[lostwoher]

Colleen- slap slap (xoxo)

[ericasmom]

I double that slap Col,

slap slap slap slap---

So maybe it is time to take a class or join a reading or book group, learn a new skill...maybe something that interests you now, the new you...an art class, a cooking class, a knitting group? How about woodworking? Birding? Oh heck, something that makes you kind of looking forward. But it is okay to not do something as well. I think the blues set in on many hearts iwth the heavy winter so many have had.

Well said Claudia, broken but still recognizable pieces that will one day perform great things. I do believe that I am a work in progress as well, but one that has learned so much in the light of Eri's leaving. I knew that I still had work to do, so forward I went, piece dragging piece to the classroom each day and home again where I sat in a lump to figure out the next piece being fit in.

Carol, how is your SISTER?

Leah, thinking of you.

Sherry, how you doing? I lay awake this morning at around 4:00, hoping for sleep, but alas no sleep came. But I heard walking in the snow below the window, I looked out and saw two big deer walking around the front of the house to the back, eating what shoots they could find. Today so many hoof prints in the yard. At lunch today, walked with a friend adn there are shoots popping, too early. They are the earliest of flowers crocus and snow on the mountain...too early, but still so pretty and hope filled.

love to all,

[andrewsmother]

Hello everyone,

Have been in a really bad place for the last couple of days.  I don't have much to say, really missing my boy and trying to deal with the reality that he's gone.  I've been feeling the "electric shock" as I call it again, sort of an "I can't believe this has happened" feeling everytime the thought comes to my head.  I am just so sad and depressed.  This is not supposed to happen to good people, it is just not fair, I hate my new life without my son, I hate that I have to deal with this, I hate that this happened to me, I want my life and my son back. 

I'm sorry guys...I'm just venting...just feeling really shitty!

Thanks for listening

Rosie, Andrew's mom

[briansdad]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Indigos,

 

I am really in a funk lately.  No big anniversaries or birthdays coming up for Brian, so I do not know why I am so down.  The sun not being out and the weather still cold may have something to do with it.

 

I just feel so useless when I come home.  I have no energy or drive to do anything. 

 

My two girlfriends (Georgia and Judy) invited me out to dinner again.  I am having a hard time saying yes.  All I can think about is those two have intact families and they can never know the pain I feel.  What we talk about used to be important to me, but now it is nothing but gibberish.  I know those two are trying to keep me going, but I guess I am jealous of them.  I am jealous they get to go home to their intact families when each day I drive home to Brian never being there again. 

 

What is wrong with me - Someone come here and slap some scents into me

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

Colleen,

My good friend who co-facilitates my BP group made an observation. We all tend to complain about people not reaching out to us but when they do we decline the invitation.I never thought about it until she mentioned it but when I look back on the earlier times I DID do that very thing.Colleen give your friends a chance. Maybe they can help you out of your funk. You never know.If I lived close buy I'd buy you a couple of cocktails and let you talk about Brian all night. Anyway just another view.

Greg

[L074003]

Brian's dad, I haven't been here for a very long time but I remember you from when I was posting frequently when my son Matthew died, I wish I could change my login name but oh well.  I just wanted to say I understand about being in a funk, it has been 6 1/2 years since Matthew died and this last several months have been really difficult.  I too am in such a funk.  I suppose it is the cold dreary days in part and the stress with life right now but I am struggling so much with is death right now.  I guess I a finally accepting that he is gone from my life forever that this is not some ugly nightmare that I can awaken from.  It certainly isn't the same piercing pain but pain none the less.

[lolynbo]

HEY MATHEWS MOM/DAD I SEE UR FROM EDMOND IM IN ARDMORE JUST DOWN THE RD FROM YOU ...MY DAUGHTER KIMBERLY LIVES IN OKC....

STILL SICK WORKED TODAY AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET BUT NOW I HAV ENO ENERGY..AND AM WORN OUT....

PUT HER BIRTHDAY PIC AND STUFF IN PAPER (BIRTHDAY SAT)

ORDERED THE BIRTHDAY CAKE AND 1 YR ANNIVERSARY CAKE FOR KOURTNEYS KLOSET AND BOUGHT SOME DECOR....IDK IF ANYONE WILL COME BUT HEY MY FAMILY WILL...

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GREAT DAY...NIGHT IM GOING TO GO LAY DOWN...

[ericasmom]

Matthews Family,

I remember you from when i first came aboard, you and Sherry and me are all at about the same place on the timeline. Eri was hit by the train on July 8th 2003 and died on the 14th.

I am sorry that you are feeling so poorly right now, I know that this amount of time, spoken out loud, is very difficult, knowing that 6.5 years is gone and she was not here with us for this long. Wow, it is enough to knock you out. My heart to you, my hope to you.

Greg, it is true that many folks grieving isolate and do not take invitations because they feel that the conversations are trite, or meaningless, and I agree, you can't know until you try. It does take a great deal of energy sometimes to get through a night such as that, but it just may be worth it colleen, and maybe you can redirect some conversations.

dee

[L074003]

Dee, I remember you well, you always had such helpful insight.  I was searching for help again and remembered BI. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

[mikesmum]

Greg - I think thats part of why people stop calling or asking.  In the beginning I didn't answer a phone.  Somedays I still don't.  Asking us out, would see Mal having to either go alone or make an excuse. 

Colleen - Isn't it funny how being with a group of strangers who 'get it' is easier than dinner with our friends with 'intact' families.  (see MN pics).  I remember a whole day of touring with you.  Lunch at Macy's? 

Dee - Oh yeah motivators gotta love em.  Isnt from the saying 'those who can do, those who can't stuff it up for those who do'...or something like that...

Bonnie - I'm a purple girl (menopausal mauve).  Not sure about the zebra but hey I'm up for brightening any Emily's day!

Betty -  Being able to be there for my friend this week after the loss of her son was very draining and difficult for me but with the tools I have gained here and my own recovery, I was able to be there and somehow share the journey of "Life on Life's terms."   So true.  I am at my best when I step outside my 'own world' and reach out to help someone. 

Not smoking...hard to do congrats.   I think Leah ? gave up too.  Hard times.  Better ahead.

Muttley and Charley only have one more week as roomies...Think I will miss her more than I thought.

Lorri - you have such an infectious smile and eyes that sparkle.  The guys you are with are cute!  Love the pic of Kourtney - thinking of you as Saturday approaches.  Hope your bug takes a holiday!

Carol - It is a worry for our kids that they might lose their parent after losing a child.  Losing our children alters everything, relationships, lifes direction and our take on just about everything.  Glad you have Cathi and Mikes children to keep you anchored here.  Not to mention that keeper Ralph!

The funk, the ache, the reality permeates our days without warning and without a trigger.  The spaces between do lengthen, the impact lessens.  The reality always in the back of the mind, not so much the front now.

Coffee with Mal and Jeya yesterday reading the paper.  Smiling, spirits high enjoying life.  Article in the paper headline "911 dispatcher saves own son".  Cue panic attack. 

To those new here, its a journey none of us wanted to take, but now we are here we are among friends who get it.

Those who are long into this journey you show how our children are never forgotten no matter how long we are apart.   Being here & returning here reflects the power of this 'community' on healing the heart...

Peace - puppy walk and out. 

[daveydow1]

Lynn----So nice to see Kayla's sweet smile on Bi.

Colleen---I so understand how you feel about going out with friends. My

sisters would ask me to go out with them to lunch etc. and finally I said, OK.

Even though my heart was broken (still is), I did have a nice time.....we

laughed, and shared 'childhood memories.'  All in all, it was positive. You

must do what you think is best for you at the particular time. Peace to you.

Claudia---Thanks for the vase/potter writing. Very inspiring. Thanks

Betsey---Oh, I think that lady in management is trying to be "agressive" in

her approach to motivating employees. However, she must have come across

as a bit rude, and "in-your-face", really.  I believe there is a lot of this type of stuff

in managers/superintendents etc.  Maybe they remember when there was a

time when they were on the receiving end of this type of message, and decided

that it was THEIR TURN to chew out a group...... Maybe not...... Who knows??

Betty---- That is a phenomonal incident with the hawk landing on the sidewalk

with prey in his beak, isn't it?  ( I don't know much about hawks, but do love

seeing them). Always happens-----a great shot in front of us, and NO CAMERA .

Bonnie--- So sorry you are having such a rough time right now, and at the edge

of the "black hole place".  I know how you feel when you say that Jason seems so

far away . I have also felt that same way....so lonely. You have so many stresses

in you life right now. Sending thoughts & prayers your way.

Terrie---May your memories of dear Adam help you in this rough journey. Peace

& tranquility to you. 

Rosie----Sorry you are feeling down. Let you dear memories of your beloved son,

Andrew, lift your spirits and warm your heart.

Lo74003----I am Sherry, and have been on BI several years. I'm sorry, I do not

remember your posts. It may have been that you came on during one of my

periods away from BI, as many of us have to take from time to time. I am sorry

for your loss of your dear son, Matthew. Please come back to BI if you can. We

are all here to give any small measure of help that we may be able to give. Peace

and comfort to you.

 Dee---My, those deer came close. I also see deer tracks in the yard, out at the

 house. While out there today, birds were singing in the tone they use when it

is coming SPRING. Sounded so lovely.....and lifted my spirits. All these creatures

of nature have no idea of the 'uplifting' that they are capable of giving us.

            Peace & Comfort to all here at BI

                     Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[shorty16]

Wow, Indigo's

Thanks for the help. 

Greg, your source from BP is so correct.  We complain when friends do not call, but when they do, we say NO!

Georgia has been my friend for almost 15 years.  We worked at 2 employers together and I have taken part in most of her family's big days.

Georgia, also has never lost someone close to her.  Not even her parents.  She has no concept to this grief and becomes silent when I talk about Brian. 

Judy has no children.

They both really do carry a conversation. And we go to great resturants.

I need to accept the fact that my son is dead.  I still cannot believe I am even saying that.  How can Brian be dead and in such a senseless way - (I am screaming right now)

I need to go and enjoy myself.  3-11-2010 is the date.  I feel so stupid getting worked up about something so simple.

Colleen

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen:  I understand also...(hmmmm...is there anyone here who wouldn't?  Just  a little bit of "dark humor" there...Mike's favorite...).  I used to really like talking on the phone to my family and friends...now it can be a chore...I just don't have that part of me any longer...I tend to confine my communications to writing...social life is nil...family only.   Have tried to push it, but no luck.   Trudi said it all when she said that having dinner with a group of strangers who "get it" is something we not only can handle, but find to be something we would look forward to ("see MN pics").  I SO enjoyed that trip to the mall with Trudi and Marcia (I didn't go on the one with Colleen...don't remember why).  When I first walked into the mall, I felt like an alien being...my insides screaming and protesting...(Mike worked at the local mall for over 5 years in a part-time job) and hoped we would leave soon.  By the time we sat down to share pretzels and rest, I could have stayed there all night.  The weird thing is, we didn't spend the whole time talking about our children and being sad, or anything even remotely like that.   But, when a thought or a wish or a reaction came along that dealt with our loss, good memory or sad reminder, (like the silver fortune cookie I got for Cathi as a reminder of Mike's penchant for Chinese food), I felt so comfortable bringing it up, talking about why I wanted to buy it...not feeling that I needed to make up a reason because I didn't want to embarrass someone or make them feel uncomfortable by bringing up Mike.  Marcia and Trudi, I know felt the same...Marcia bought a case for her dad to be from Bethany to her "Bumpa."  (did I remember that right, Marcia?)  and shared her sorrow over why she was getting it, but also was able to share her joy at finding it.  I can't recall, Trudi, my mind is giving me blanks...I know you got a bracelet for your sweet Em, and had it engraved, but I can't recall if you got something else relating directly to your Micheal (though if I recall correctly, Mike shared a special closeness with Em, didn't he?)...  The point here, though, is that we all "connected," and shared, and felt comfortable sharing.  No expectations, no "guidelines" that had to be followed..."don't talk about that," or "don't bring that up," etc.  We just said whatever came to mind, and if it involved our child, or someone else's, then it came out, and was shared, and understood, and enjoyed if it was something fun, and totally understood and also shared if it wasn't...either way, each of us benefited from being there...the sharing was beneficial for us all, and received and given in the moment, without hesitation.  When I came across the red VW convertible in the Coldwater Creek store, and brought it to Marcia, I didn't say a word...she knew, she understood, and when Trudi walked in and saw it, the same look was there...the car now sits front and center on the shelf in our dining room, memories calling to me each time I pass by it---memories involving Mike, of course, but woven through with memories of Trudi and Marcia, just two of the wonderful friends here on BI who "get it" and who I was blessed to be with at the time.  Colleen, sweet friend,  you didn't get upset about anything simple...it is a mixed, confusing, painful journey, and "going out with friends" is a huge part of it...I am glad you are making the effort, and I hope you do have a good time.  And of course, you will never get used to the fact that your precious Brian is gone...you will just learn to let it live in your heart side by side with any joy life brings to you now. 

Thank you all so very much for your prayers and support for my sister Dorothy.   I spoke with my sister-in-law Betty today, and then later in the day, Dorothy.  Dorothy is home from the hospital, having been reprieved of the pulmonary embolism diagnosis, and given the diagnosis of upper respiratory infection.  Of course, with her COPD, this is not a good thing, but gratitude is great for it not being the first dx.  Betty is a registered nurse, so she is taking good care of Dorothy, and Dorothy sounded stronger on the phone when I spoke with her.  It was an emotional conversation, as I know that Dorothy's time here now is not to be counted on...she likes to say "I don't buy unripe bananas."  (ah, there's that dark humor again...Mike is smiling, I know---Dorothy was Mike's very favorite aunt.)   Leah, my husband also has COPD---his is complicated further by a lot of mucus involvement, and sometimes it is so difficult to see him struggle...  Thank you all again, so much.

Claudia:  I loved your broken vase analogy...your words were heart-breaking and heart-warming all at the same time.

Need to go and fix supper for hubby...it's my turn, or so he says....

love and peace to all my indigo friends...I will check in again later.

Carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Tell Ralph I hope that he enjoyed his dinner and I want to know what he is planning to make tomorrow, ha ha. I agree with you Carol, that what Col is going through right now is something we all have gone through at some point or continue to go through. I remember however, that at the point of time that you are at Col, I kept saying, "but how is this how life is now? How is this possible that Eri is gone for this long, not coming home, not going to hold her big hands in mine, not going to see her nostrils flaring as she cracks up laughing, not going to make those funny faces and tell me in a hushed voice what she would like for her birthday...six months before her birthday. HOW CAN THIS BE SO?

And there is no answer really other than, it just is so. It is our life now.

One thing I think that I have always done is mention ERiCA's name in every group I am in since the time she died. If those people cannot handle my speaking of my Girl, then we needn't hang out but if they can listen or ask questions or just remember something sweet or not so sweet about her in my presence, well then I am totally comfy and able to enjoy myself. It really never caused jealousy in me when I am out with many others who have intact families, but it bugs me when someone might speak about their life with thier child as though it is a big friggin hassle. I get it, and certainly I used to complain during Eri's pubescent years especially, she hated school and was always on the verge of flunking, but still, it bothers me to hear how some parents seem so 'put-out' by the needs or wants of their child.

Matt's family, do you think it is the ache of time that is causing you this particular bout with the blues? NOt that we need a trigger as Carol or Trudi just said.

Lorri, I like the new avatar of Kourtney. Hang in there Sweetie, life can be brutal but it can also be beautiful, like the days that your Children were born.

[ericasmom]

Gosh Mary, Matt's Mom, Matt left one day before Erica. I forgot that until I saw an old post. HOly Cow! Are you still involved with organ share?

dee

[mikesmomrs]

We had all three of Mike's boys yesterday, and took them to Pizza Hut.  While there, Damon entertained us with his imitation of the "Old Spice Man" ad...for those of you who haven't been blessed with seeing this ad yet, it shows a really good-looking man, just stepped out of the shower, and talking to the ladies in the audience, comparing himself to the husbands in the audience, saying..."look at your man, now back at me, now look at your man, now back at me"...and Damon adds in his own flare for emphasis with a wave of his hand at the end when he says "sadly, he isn't me."  if you click on the photo, it will take you to my photobook, turn up the sound and then click on the movie...(the background noise in the restaurant makes it hard to hear him clearly) 

I wasn't quick enough with the camera to get it all, but got enough to bring a smile...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs