Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

"Smile for Daddy, Grandpa."  So sweet, Greg."  Its their innocence that makes the smiles...the purity of their love...

Kathy - You get the same from Tavian...He paid his homage to his beautiful mum and seeing your distress let you know its okay.  The strength of the innocent.

I have booked my flights and my accomodation for BP.  The hotel have been excellent.  I will arrive at 11.30PM on Wednesday now.  Apparently the trip to the Northern Hemisphere thru to Little rock is quite long   So Greg count 1!

Love the Ice Sculptures.  Here we have sand sculptures. 

Dee - Love both videos....the lame duck teaching the young man to walk....don't know why but I see the connection with all of us here...one broken parent teaching the next to 'breath'.

Marcia - So sorry you have been in the 'basement' aka the abyss.  Good news bad news....Good you have been accepted to foster...bad your rental people sux.

Gotta love that pic....eclectic bunch but such a connection..

Carol - Oh yeah I'm into the GB Terra Bite etc (NOT).  I just bought a Dell Laptop with all the bells and whistles for travelling.  I zoned out half way through the techy talk.  Mal and the guy chatted in a foreign language for ages.

Betsy - If this is the James Stenbeck from As the world turns...we don't get that here.  At the moment we have Days and Bold.  I'm a bit off both.  Marlena has been in this since I was a teenager and hasn't aged (?) and the Logan Ridge thing sees me losing the will to live (lol)

Enid - know you will be missing your boy Ethan....Hoping memories of him flood your heart and bring you smiles.

Well, went to AC/DC last night....Whooo Hoooo.  Leg cramps all night from standing, dancing, stomping for over 2hrs ~ but well worth it.  Went with baby brother, still missing his pup.

***Newsflash*** Steven and Kelly finally have the key to their home!!!!

The sun is shining and I'm putting together our 'road trip' from the east coast to west.  Mal is on long service.  Neither of us have been along the Great Australian Bite so it will be an adventure...

Take Care My Indigo Family.....can't wait to see you in July.

 

[lolynbo]

Well, went to AC/DC last night....Whooo Hoooo.  Leg cramps all night from standing, dancing, stomping for over 2hrs ~ but well worth it.  Went with baby brother, still missing his pup.

SO GLAD U HAD A GREAT TIME AT THE CONCERT.....CHECK OUT OUR PICS ON FB WHEN U HAVE TIME FOF THE OKC CONCERT....ITS AMAZING HOW THEY HAVE SO  MUCH ENERGY AND THEYARE OLDER THEN ME....LOL

[summergirl]

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY ETHAN..A SWEET ANGLE SMILING DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY, HOLDING THEM CLOSE AND LOVING THEM...

Marcia - it was so nivce to see you post but am so sorry that you have been in a dark place for so long. I feel your pain from reading your post and pray that you find some peace. It is so hard to catch up when you have been laid up for so long. I love the pic you posted of you and your sisters...it is beautiful and looking at all of you one can see the closeness as you gathered together.  Thinking of you always.

Greg - I am planning on coming to the reunion as long as all goes well, it sounds silly I know but always hard for me to plan anything in the future, I want so bad to come and am checking on flights etc...hopefully my life will settle down soon and I will be able to think of tomorrow without worrying so much of what it will bring. I am so glad that you are putting this together and to meet each who are going would be a gift. Guess what ??? we are expecting more SNOW tonight....AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Tavian and I had a nice quiet day at home today...back to work for me tomorrow but he is off for the rest of the week....so his favorite girl "Shannon" will babysit for tuesday and Wednesday and then I guess I will take 2 days personal as I have no one for thursday and friday. That is ok...I can take him in with me on Friday for about an hour, just enough to place orders for the following week...one of those things that only I can do.    Oh well...

My mind keeps going to that place of "what we were we doing 4 years ago today", the 18th is coming upon me and I hate it, I want to just get pissed off and at the same time I want to crawl into a safe zone and let it pass me by. I hate that Jessica is not here, I hate that she is not doing all of the things she should be doing with Tavian, I just plain hate it that she is not here.  I know that I should be "further along" (as they keep telling me) but I do not feel the pain any less today then I did 3 years, 2 years, 1 year ago....it is softer but my heart will never be whole again. I am so lucky I know that I have Tavian and there are many among us who have lost their only child or will never have grandchildren so I should just stop feeling sorry for myself and accept what is....I can let my loss keep me down forever or I can remember those 26 beautiful years we had with Jessica, celebrate her life and all that she gave to this world while here...especially Tavian...I am blessed but it does not stop me from wanting her here with me every second of every day. 

To all Indigo's...sleep well and dream sweet dreams. Love, Kathy

[mikesmum]

Lorri - love the pic of Kourtney.   Yep watched Angus to a solo for what seemed like an eternity....we're about the same age!!  Love the tribute they did to Bon Scott..

[daveydow1]

 

Yikes.....I'm too far behind to read all the posts:?----that's what happens

whenever I'm not on BI for a few days. More SNOW here. :X

 

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ETHAN.

 

  Wishing everyone here in the BI family PEACE & COMFORT, and a

   good night's rest.

            Davey&Lisasmon,  Sherry

 

[rlolheiser]

Sweet Happy Birthday Ethan, may you bring comfort to your family.

I am doing much better, the pain isn't to bad, just once in awhile it gives me a reminder, I sure hope I make it to the 27th.

Carol, I am happy you have your kinda new computer.. I know I miss mine, but am thankful I have something, even a old relic.  I get so much from coming here and reading

Been busy here, looks like I am going to have one of my grandaughters stay with us.  She is having a hard time, and not getting along with people.  She is being treated for depression, but my daughter and I want to get a better picture, there are better facilities for mental disorders here, so hopefuly we will get her on the right road.  I think I am the only person that gets along with her even when she is down.  We have been really close, especially with JaBoa's passing, the two are really close in age (she will be 15 this April) Part of me doesn't want to do this, but if I can help her make life easier it will be worth it. 

I wish you all a good night

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

 

[bjsmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Ethan!!!

[align=left]Deneace (BjsMom)

[/align]

[bjsmom]

Hello to all! I'm so behind, been so busy lately, but I feel like sleeping & sleeping. My beautiful son Dane turned 10 years old today; he is my sweet, gentle baby. Because my husband's birthday was Saturday, we once again decided to celebrate both birthday's together, just as last year. For some reason I awoke with the uncontrollable need to go see Bj's grave today, haven't been there in awhile. The morning was beautiful but cold & windy. I had bought him some rose colored flowers(Valentine) for his vase but promised him I would change these soon. I truly felt like he was riding beside me on the long trip there, then when I left it was as if he left with me to go back home. Can't seem to get over this feeling of "not liking it there". No matter how much I want to go to his grave, it just doesn't feel right once I get there. Sometimes I think I'm really losing it, I talk to him like he's physically here with me, I just can't see him and this breaks my heart. Have been putting on a great face lately, but when I'm alone or when I go to bed it's all I can do to stifle my tears. Got in bed the other night, was fine beforehand, but just as soon as my head hit the pillow thought's of Bj rushed forward. I was about to get back up, told my husband that I couldn't sleep, told him what I was thinking about, then I just started crying uncontrollably. What do you do when a part of your heart dies, does the other half die too or does it just keep beating as a vessel for your memories? I'm trying to do so much, but feel like I'm about to crack. Valentine's day for me was a bust, guess I'm just overly emotional again or asking too much. Goodnight all, sorry for being such a bummer.

[ericasmom]

Leah, be careful, your big heart and your willingness to help others is also difficult on you, on your energy level and financially, so remember who is taking care of everyone, it is you. You have to take good care of YOU> though I do agree, a grand-daughter in need would be hard to say no, hu? But your thought of not really wanting to do this right now has everything to do with how overtired you have been, how worried about your Mom, the grief you are experiencing and then your Daughter's illness. So please at the very least, make sure that you are taking a couple of vitamin C's a day to give your immune system a bit of help.  Sorry, I know I am not your Mom, I tend  to lecture when I worry about someone.

Marcia, what a nice photo you posted, that is one I had not seen. I love it, makes me want to join right up for the trip, I just am unsure do to timing. It was however, a time I will cherish like no other, the unity is a piece of me.

Deneace, don't feel that you should be anywhere other than where you are for now. You have little ones to care for, and being down right now makes sense to me as you are grieving. Your Boy's tenth birthday not only marks another benchmark of time without your Beautiful Son, but also reminds you of HIm as well. There are all sorts of emotions that come with the march of time, even the happier events such as your Young one's b-day. My best advice? Ask yourself what you would say to any one of us if we thought we were overly emotional, or made a bust out of Valentines Day. I bet that you would be encouraging and supportive of us. Now, do that for you. Cut yourself a break. You are a MOmma that is learning to move through her days with a half put together heart. As far as what happens to the half that is still beating?

I think that it gets bigger, makes room for all that we learn along the way and carries as you said, a vessel for all that we remember, and is storage of all the love you and BJ share. It never will go away, nothing takes that. I talk to Eri everyday, outloud, and often I feel she is right beside me. Those are my favorite days.

Love and sweet sleep,

dee

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

 

It is snowing lightly here in NYC  It always looks so beautiful as it falls lightly and settles  softly on the trees.  It is easy to appreciate the snow when I can watch from a window and not worry about  shoveling.

 

Marcia  It is so good to see Bethany's beautiful smile.  I am glad to hear that your cast is finally off and am so sorry  that you are in a dark place.  Thank you so much for posting the picture of the last reunion .  It certainly sold me n the importance of attending.  You do all look like sisters!!!  

 

Colleen I loved your comments about the last Indigo reunion  You really sound so enriched by the event.

 

Betsy I hear you about being exhausted doing stuff that use to be so very easy.  I find that to be so true.  I am glad you had the time with your mom and daughter.  Please take care of you.

 

Deneace  I understand wearing the mask during the day and then breaking down.  Please know that you are not alone and that coming here reading does help.  I found just feeling connected to the people here helped when nothing else did.  I am glad you wee able to celebrate your son and hubby's birthday.  Be gentle with you.

 

Leah  Glad the tooth is holding up.  You are certainly a gracious Grandma  I will pray for the new grandchild that she be directed to the right Doctor. I agree with Dee  Please take care of you  Extra Vitamins would be great.

 

Trudi Stomping to AC/DC and a Motor Trip with Mal  sounds like an adventure.  Is Mutley going with you?  

 

Dee Thanks for the two Videos  They were inspiring  I do hope you have a slower week this week.

 

 

Susannah, Sue, Terrie, Pam, Rosie, Mary Ann, Kim, Sonya (how is the smoking), Sherry, Carol, Lorrie Kathy, Greg and Dan and all Indigos  I do hope you all have a Blessed evening.

 

Betty

Stephen'smom

[mikesmum]

No Betty - Thankfully Mals eldest son and partner live locally and will house/puppy sit for us. 

[pknight]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

Dee - Love both videos....the lame duck teaching the young man to walk....don't know why but I see the connection with all of us here...one broken parent teaching the next to 'breath'.

Enid - know you will be missing your boy Ethan....Hoping memories of him flood your heart and bring you smiles.

I wish I could add more, but these quotes express it all for me tonight.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ETHAN

Wishing it would be for all of my new friends - "Happy Mardi Gras" actually tonight is "Lundi Gras" and if you can't, I understand, but our day is coming "Ash Wednesday" ... all this from a really lapsed catholic who is staying in the warm house watching the madness not even a mile away...like I said above. My God I ramble just as much in print as I do talking.

Warm Hugs To All

Kenny's Mom

Pam

ps--Did I miss a post from Mary Ann or is she  snowed in?

 

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Good morning Indigos:  Wow, I can't believe it sometimes when I wake up this early...before I retired, there were so many days I would say "Oh, what I would give to be able to just go back to sleep!"  Now that I CAN sleep, I can't...can't win...but, I'll take it...being able to just "Laze in" is good, too

"What do you do when a part of your heart dies, does the other half die too or does it just keep beating as a vessel for your memories?"

It's a difficult way to live, to be sure, but as Dee said, that half that is left does grow bigger, holding more, reaching for more, reliving what is already there...the sweet memories of our child, the remembering carries us from one breath to the next.  To be sure, there will be deep falls, down the slope to the bottom of the abyss...but we cling to the top...in honor of our child, we reach for the hand that helps us to pull back up.  Our hands and hearts here on BI, reach down and pull you up again.  Holding you close, Deneace, as you struggle with this new life, this new "half-life" as it sometimes seems to be. 

Marcia:  I am so sorry you've been in that dark place...I would imagine that the difficulties you've had with the healing (or not healing, as the case may be) of your ankle has helped to keep you there, and pray that you will find your strength again, and see the sun once more.

Trudi:  So glad to hear that your plans are taking shape for your trip here to America...July can't come soon enough!  What about your trip with Mal...when does it begin?  I know you will miss him, but I am glad that you got a place for your sweet Muttley.  He will be all over you when you return.  How long is the trip for?

Kathy and Lorri:  Holding you both close as you approach those dates that will live in your hearts forever...you are in my prayers for strength. 

Wishing all of you a good day...supposed to get snow here...we've not had much, especially considering that we are in the northern part of the country, mid-winter, but I guess it's better than getting 3 feet dumped on us! 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[lostwoher]

So so sorry for being late:

 HaPPy BirTHdaY ETHAN!!

[Guest]

Good morning Indigo's!

Today I am going to book my flight to Little Rock and reserve a room.  I suppose I should register with BP, too.  Kind of excited.  Kind of scared.  It is being held one month before Steph's angel date and I am so unpredictable!  But, I guess if I'm going to fall apart, who better to be with than all of you.

I do so hope all of you that can, will be there...

More "kook" stories.... but, cool!

This morning as I sat outside, smoking, several heart shaped orbs appeared in the sky over the mountain.  At first I thought the age dots in my eyes were making their own designs.  Until, one by one, each heart shot over my house.  I was watching, thinking how nuts I've gone and just as I had that thought, one heart orb stopped, lingered a second and then "danced" around before going the opposite way of the other orbs.  As I watched it disappear another heart orb appeared with a silver lining around it.  It just sat there and then slowly disappeared.

When I came in the house, Mariah was still sitting at the table and had made hearts out of her toast.

"I made hearts of love, Grandma!"

Loving all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom - - -

[rlolheiser]

Hello my Indigo friends, I lost the first post I was working on, I poured my heart out in tears so bad that I couldn't even see my typing.  I guess I must have put something wrong in it cause it just went into space.  I hit  the send, but it didn't post

Dee,  thank you for caring enough to lecture, I need it sometimes. Your lectures as you call them are taken to heart, I call them a friend that cares.  I know that I have a tendency to think I am superwoman.  I know it is going to be difficult, I agree with you on everything you say (hugs).  I will do my best to remember the extra vitamins.

My sister even called last night and when I told her about what I am going to do she gave me the lecture telling me that I am insane, maybe I am.  It is hard to do it, but harder not to do it.  I am being taken back to the time when I know I should have had my JaBoa here, but couldn't because I had custody of 4 other grandchildren.  Now here I have Catti-brie, the cousin to JaBoa, JaBoa's best friend and co-dreamer.  I can't say no, this little girl needs me maybe as much as I need her right now.  I missed out on JaBoa, and thought, gee I can take her later, and we can do things, and play, and dream later.  Later never came, only too late came.  I can't be there to help JaBoa get over these teen years and the stress of growing up.  I can be there for my other grandaughter.  She suffers the depression, what if I turned my back on her cause I was tired, and said, in the summer honey,.. I will help you out then when it isn't so chaotic.  Then what if something bad happens to her, I learned the hard way that we don't always get that second chance.  I also know that maybe I will fall on my face and she won't be bettered by being with me, but there will be the peace that I did my best this time.  sorry.. got to rambling there.

Betty, thank you for the prayers.. and I will take care the best I can (hugs)

"What do you do when a part of your heart dies, does the other half die too or does it just keep beating as a vessel for your memories?"

Carol, I thought about this statement, and it is true.. but I find my heart dies over and over..  not sure if it makes sense, but just when I think my heart can't die anymore.. it dies again or maybe it is the memory of the dying (a philosopher I am not) :-)

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[ericasmom]

Perhaps leah, you are more a philosopher than you know.

Later never came, only too late.

WOW! That is a very powerful statement, and I stand corrected in my worry, but do take care of you in the midst of it all, but yes, your showing her that you have this time to try to help guide her is a wonderful and tangible way to show this little Partner in Dreaming, that she matters. Wow, and you say you are not a philosopher.

dee

[lostwoher]

 Happy midday Indigos. I have the day off from work and here I am sitting with my laptop not getting a thing done. I had planned to go for my first facial ever but backed out. Thats too much out of my comfort zone. I shall stay inside my home where its warm and quiet. Perhaps another time. I cant believe Im passing up a free offer but ...

I have been having laptop problems but looks like its been fixed. Keeping my fingers crossed because I am so lost when it isnt working. I can use my blackberry but its too rough on the eyes.  Coming here sure helps the soul. Thank you each and every one.

Two others have beat me to getting the dates off so I will not be attending the gathering again this year. I do want to see ALL the photos of EVERYONE that does get to go.

Love & hugs to ALL,

Lynn

[mikesmum]

 I have the day off from work and here I am sitting with my laptop not getting a thing done. I had planned to go for my first facial ever but backed out. Thats too much out of my comfort zone. I shall stay inside my home where its warm and quiet. Perhaps another time. I cant believe Im passing up a free offer but ...

Lynn - I was the same until I flew out of my comfort zone to the USA last year.  At the mighty age of 54 I had my first pedicure. There was much posting about it prior to leaving and after walking around Honolulu for about 8hrs I succumbed to the intense relief of having someone massage, soak and 'heal' my feet.  Maybe you will that opening in your comfort zone - hope so.

Leah - 'If only's' truly weigh us down almost as much as the 'I can save them all' thoughts that come to us when we see a child in need...the heart rules.  Just remember to 'look after yourself' for without you none of them would have your warmth, love and care...

Carol - The "East West" roadtrip starts Tues 9th March. We are seeing Dianna Krall at a local vineyard on Tues then we are away. We are aiming at about 3-4 weeks just taking it slow.  Stopping where we want and cruising.  Its part of the country neither of us have seen, so its an adventure.

Susannah - Great to know I will be meeting you in July - can't wait.

Steve and Kelly were moving in yesterday.  Their plans didn't quite go well.  Apart from the 'army' of in laws supposed to be helping who didn't show.  Those who did left at midday. 

We were home, told the day before we weren't needed..No one called 

Steve rang about 6 last night. He was returning the truck. The bittersweet of his day in his voice.   Zak had been playing on the hydraulic lift and was asked to get down.  As little boys do he wanted 'just one more turn'.  He crushed his foot.  Thankfully he was wearing his boots so it mainly soft tissue damage, but again the emotion in Stevens voice said it all.  The up side, he has secured a job with a large commercial plumbing group YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!  Their current project, Tullamarine International Airport Upgrade.  

Well my Indigo family about to have a new fridge delivered so best make a place in the chaos and dust. 

 

[daveydow1]

Leah-----Dee said it all so well, so I don't have much to add to it. Just take

good care of yourself, and prayers for you & your granddaughter.

Deneace-----I so understand how you feel when visiting BJ's grave. I guess

it is something inside us that does not want to face the reality that they are

indeed gone. The mind plays tricks on us all the time. Just when we think that

we can handle a certain situation, is when we have an abrupt 180 degree

turnaround, so we think we must be going crazy. Wish I could say something

to help.......I guess it's just part of this unwanted road we're forced to be on.

Take care, and peace to you, friend.

Dee-----How much snow in Chicago???  In our area, it has snowed EVERY day

in Feb. except the 8th. Getting weary of it by now. I've exhausted all my

enthusiasm for photographing the scenery.......tired of being cooped up so much

of the time, and SICK of ....coats, hats, scarves, gloves, boots....etc.  YIKES,

am I ever ready for spring to get here, like everybody else.  . Take care.

           Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

  

[daveydow1]

Leah-----Dee said it all so well, so I don't have much to add to it. Just take

good care of yourself, and prayers for you & your granddaughter.

Deneace-----I so understand how you feel when visiting BJ's grave. I guess

it is something inside us that does not want to face the reality that they are

indeed gone. The mind plays tricks on us all the time. Just when we think that

we can handle a certain situation, is when we have an abrupt 180 degree

turnaround, so we think we must be going crazy. Wish I could say something

to help.......I guess it's just part of this unwanted road we're forced to be on.

Take care, and peace to you, friend.

Dee-----How much snow in Chicago???  In our area, it has snowed EVERY day

in Feb. except the 8th. Getting weary of it by now. I've exhausted all my

enthusiasm for photographing the scenery.......tired of being cooped up so much

of the time, and SICK of ....coats, hats, scarves, gloves, boots....etc.  YIKES,

am I ever ready for spring to get here, like everybody else.  . Take care.

           Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

  

[mikesmum]

Oh yeah, went to AC/DC with little brother. Brilliant night.  The people next to us kindly took our pic.  I'm the one with the AC/DC horns

 

[lolynbo]

MY IDIOT WITH HORNS

[hotrod]

HI Indigos

 

Trudie of coarse you were the one with the AC/DC horns . I  recognized you immediately   So glad that  Steve is finally moved in to his new home.  So very sorry about Little Zach  injury  and that the help Steven counted on disappeared before his eyes.  I have encountered that kind of "help" often in my lifetime. So glad he landed that new position.

 

Lorrie  Cute pictue of Hubby   You have great pictures  You are a good photographer.

 

Lynn Great to see you posting since you had the day off.  I understand the comfort zone idea.  Be gentle with yourself  When you are ready you will be willing to risk the change.  I am so sorry you are not able to get the time off this summer for the reunion.  I do believe I will be there but have some medical tests to be completed before I make the final reservations.

 

Leah I hear you  If I have learned anything from the loss of Stephen is that all I have is the present moment and I am not guaranteed a future.  I need to take whatever positive action I can in a situation when I can and then I will have no regrets.  My heart also feels as if it breaks over and over again.

 

Susannah   I loved the Hearts encircling you today.  You deserve many such gifts.

 

Dee How is the little one who stole our hearts a few months ago  I know she had trouble with the principle and was in the hospital.  Any good news

 

Betsy  I went to the beauty shop today I had my hair cut and dyed and held thoughts of you.  Hope you are well.

Carol I do hope tht new computer up grade is keeping you connected.

Beth  and Mary Ann  How are you both holding up

 

Sherry I agree I am tired of Gloves, Coats, Hats, Gloves  I long for sandals and long dresses.

 

Colleen,Claudia,Sonya, Bonnie, Marcia, Rosie, Deneance,Pam, Kim, Terrie, Greg, Dan, Kathy and all Indigos holding warm thoughts of you .

 

Betty

Stephen'smom

 

 

 

 

 

[lolynbo]

JUST WANNA WINE FOR A BIT TODAY....TOM WOULD HAVE BEEN KOURTNEYS 3 WEDDN ANNIVERSARY...AS YAL KNOW SHE DIDNT EVEN GET TO CELEBRATE HER FIRST....I JUST NEED SOME GROUP PRAYERS TO GET ME THRU A TUFF DAY....IF YOU COULD..

AND OF COURSE I WILL POST A WEDDN PIC...

THANK YAL IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND ALWAYS KIND WORDS...

[ericasmom]

He's a cute idiot though Lorri, kidding, the man can't be an idiot with you as his wife now can he?

Trudi, how come you had those horns on last summer in Minnesota? Kidding, again, of course she didn't however it would not have surprised me had she worn them. The trip with Mal sounds so lovely, like a meandering river, the two of you will wander the land. And you know how rivers are; the source of a river is  its origin, it's start, sometimes as a tiny trickle barely noticed by anyone, and it builds and plummets and rolls along, gathering energy and sometimes flattening out into a mild barely moving sheet, sometimes turning itself into a circle as it oxbows with indecision until an area ahead allows it to rumble again, building and widening, and barreling along,laughing as the seasons change, taking dives and causing white water, depositing minerals along the banks and causing life to thrive, and finally that old river finds its greatest joy when it tumbles into something bigger than itself and joins all the waters that traveled from many lands, joined in a wonderful mix of salt and fresh waters, sand and rock, coral and shells, and behind it, for forever, are that old river's source and the joyous journey awaiting the next generations.

Like a marriage or long relationship, that old river.

Olympic time, a young man from a suburb not far from here is skating tonight in the men's short program, so I must watch and cheer him on. Being the extreme sap that I am I cry when I watch talented skaters. I have always cried when I watch talented skaters, so yes, laugh out loud at that one.

Sherry, we don't have that much snow, well to some we do, but we have not had more than one big snowfall in February. So, the sky looked like more may come, but who knows? I am sure that those of you that keep being dumped upon are pretty tired of it.

Betty, might you really go to Arkansas? I sure wish that I could make a decision, I really don't know if I can manage it at that time. ARGHHH!

These tests that you need to have, worrisome or par for the course?

Sus, heart shaped orbs greeting you today? how nice that Steph is visiting, and maybe your Sis too.

Love to you all,

dee

[ericasmom]

That Beauty of a Bride. She will love tomorrow as it will be a day she relished and loved beyond words. Maybe some flowers at her site tomorrow. Perhaps a toast of champagne.

[summergirl]

Trudi - so so happy that Steve has moved into his house, although with a lack of help as promised...more happy that he has secured a good job, that must be such a relief to him as well as you. It is so exciting that you and Mal are headed off together to spend quiet, relaxing time together....God go with you both.

Lynn -  sure know about that comfort zone, happens to be my house and although I can go out and do alot of things there are times when I actually begin having a panic attack on the way home from somewhere, it is like I can't get there fast enough. It took me time, I started with small steps, just a drive to the ocean and sit, then gradually moved on from there. I can now drive to get my nails done and go shopping by myself on Thursday's after work....something Jessica and I always did together....I was terrified my first time but now she rides with me. Try something small my friend, one step at a time.

Susannah - I am so glad that you have booked your flight and room...scarey yes but the gift from going will far outweigh the fear..   Heart Orbs and Heart Toast...it doesn't get better than that....I believe, I believe.

Carol - yep...when we can't sleep it is all we want to do and when we can sleep we wake at the crack of dawn...never a straight road is there?? 

Deneace - I am so sorry about how it is when you visit sweet Bj's site, yes, the wanting to go so badly and then to get there and all you want to do is not be there, it is part of the "normal", almost 4 years and there are times I go see Jessica and I cannot get out of the car, just sit there crying and telling her I love her but I just cannot get my feet to move so I drive away with the tears rolling. Yes, part of our heart dies when our child did but the other part will continue to grow as time goes by and make room for more sunshine, more laughter, less tears.... the pain never goes away but life has a way of bringing you along with it and you will find my friend the day when you will smile and yes laugh at memories of your Bj although the tears will always be a part of your life.  Bless you.

Leah - you are right, we do not always get a second chance and taking your grand daughter into your home and life is a wonderful thing and I pray that everything goes as you hope..I will be keeping you in my prayers. Just listen to Dee and take care of yourself too....

Another crappy winter day here but the sun will shine again.  Today a friend asked me why I looked sad and I replied that in 2 days my Jessica will be gone 4 years, she replied...oh well, life goes on....yes I wanted to smack her down right then and there but I simply turned and walked away....Damn people can still make me want to scream at them "are you stupid??? oh, and by the way how are your children doing?", there are so many things I can say but have found it so much easier to not respond although I do not FORGET....

Thursday the 18th I am taking the day off and spend it with Tavian, we are going to go up island and do a little shopping, have lunch and just be together...I do not want to sit in the house and cry....my Jessica lived and so Tavian and I are going to have a good day for her......send me strength my friends.

Love to all Indigo's and sweet dreams my friends.  Kathy

[zachysmom]

Hey Betty,

  I'm still around. Over doing it just like every mom does even though they know they shouldn't. Hit a brick wall tonight and barely made it through it. I realized in less than 2 months on April 7th my Zachy turns 6 years old.

[Guest]

Hi Everyone.

I had a "melt down" in front of a group of friends tonight.  I'm talking snot dripping, slobbering gut wrenching sobs.  "My daughter's dead".  I said through broken cries.

Much to my embarrassement (and my comfort) no one left the room.  No one even acted disgusted.  They gathered around me with tissues and hugs and told me it was about time. 

My brain is fried though.  I read Kathy's post, thinking I was reading Dee's and kept wondering why she had a picture of Jessica as her avatar and how come she was spending the 18th with Tavian.  it just did not compute.

So...on that note, I will call it a night.  I didn't make my reservations, yet.  Had everything right there to do it and chickened out!! 

I miss myself.  I hope I make an appearance soon! 

I got good and mad at God tonight, though.  I'm hoping I was able to manipulate Him/Her into letting me at least SEE Stephanie.  I'll let you know how it works out.

I mean the heart orbs and birds are nice, but they're not her!

Love you, Susannah/Stephanie's mom (that much I'm sure of)

[hotrod]

Dear , Dear Beth and Susannah

I am so very sorry that you both experienced a very necessary, appropriate meltdown.  You did come to the right place to connect with those who really understand.

Beth each picture I see of your angel Zachy is more special than the last.  This one really touched my soul.  Please stay close as that special day draws near. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

Susannah I have had many, many arguments with God.  He understands my anger but still does not give me what I want. I am glad your friends were so supportive.  You deserve that.

I hope you both have a more peaceful night

Betty

Stephen'smom:?

[ericasmom]

Melting and reforming Susannah, it is the way we find ourselves again, it is how you come to recognize yourself too, the old and the new. I am glad that your friends stayed with you through the melt, not all people can, so three cheers there for them adn for you.

Kath, I think that spending the anniversary with Tav sharing a day filled with promise is a great idea. As far as the friend that said, "life goes on...." I want to call her and say, "no **** friend, here I am almost 4 years later, I see adn feel life going on you silly twit!"

We know better than others do, that life goes on. What a trite thing to say to someone who shared the saddest day with them. Here I am Kath, nearly 7 years which still is hard to understand, but we know that life goes on, we better than most understand that we have to make choices each day for life to go on and to make it the best life we can. Remember that the build up to the day is always the hardest part. We are holding you tight.

Beth, hitting the emotional wall are you? Well, surgery, and coming up on your Beauty of a Boy's birthday will do that to a MOM, so be kind to yourself. Let the tears fall and let your memories flow like a river.

dee

[mikesmum]

Thursday the 18th I am taking the day off and spend it with Tavian, we are going to go up island and do a little shopping, have lunch and just be together...I do not want to sit in the house and cry....my Jessica lived and so Tavian and I are going to have a good day for her......send me strength my friends.

Love to all Indigo's and sweet dreams my friends.  Kathy

As hard as this journey is the signs of healing are subtle but they are undeniably there.

Kathy - May the sun break thru for you and Tavian tomorrow.   Jess with you always wherever you go.  I know your heart will be torn between wanting to live as she would and missing her so.

Dee - I love the description of our trip...we will be following the river that starts in our state and winds down to the ocean in the next.  The coastal road from there known as the Limestone Coast, the landscape different from anything I have seen....a new adventure, perhaps a renewed connection.  Oh yeah the horns, I pulled them in for the visit (lol).

Its been a day of 'getting'.  New fridge arrived along with my new PURPLE laptop!! 

To another shrink tomorrow...wish they would all get together over drinks and just stamp my passport -"Parallel Universe" beyond assessment.

Peace Out - Trudi

[Guest]

Dee wrote, ".....you silly twit".   LOL!!!!

That is my new saying.  If I can remember it.

Beth, I am the last one to offer any words of wisdom or suggestions.  And, I'm certainly NOT trying to take away from your grief...but, you just had a hysterectomy.  Your body was probably all screwed up before your surgery.  Now, you're missing parts, literally, and your body is trying to make up for the loss.  Sheese, you're going through grief on two separate levels and both are out of your control.  Your hormones have to be like one of the episodes of Lost.  I wish I was your mother and you were here with me.  I would make you absolutely crazy, but I would hold you while it happened.

Lorri, I love Kourtney's wedding pictures.  I looked at all your pictures on facebook.  There is the picture of someone on a red bike.  In one of the photo's there is a light beaming down on the bike and then two rays shooting off, into the grass.  Do you know the one I'm talking about?  Is there an explanation for the rays?  Pretty awesome.

Rosie, missing you.  I should go back and see if you've posted before I say that.  Anyway, I feel badly about my sarcastic remark asking how the "king" was doing.  I can be such a silly twit!  Normally, I would say the B word.

Not sleeping well again.  This new turn on this journey of grief is different.  It is filled with self hatred.  I know I'm no saint, but I've always kind of liked myself.  I even liked the woman I was becoming.  I don't this new woman I've become.  I don't know her. 

She's weak.  She's lazy.  She's sad and/or depressed all the time. 

I was never like that!  I always had a sense of humor.  Well, I still have a sense of humor, but I'm the only one who gets the joke! 

I'm not suicidal.  I wouldn't.  I promise.  I'm just being honest here...tonight I thought I actually could do it.  I couldn't do that to Gary or my kids or my grandkids...and, I'm not so sure I wouldn't have to come back and do this life again, if I check out early...but, tonight I understood suicide. 

I don't like THAT woman. 

I'm swimming in quick sand and drowning.

There has to be a way around this or an easier way through this.  There has to be an other side.  THIS can't be our life from now on.  That is a cruel trick for God to do...take our child (or any loved one) and then not give us a way.  I don't want to almost die, I just want a near death experience.  Hell!  He can give me a near life experience.

If He's God and He's all powerful, He can do it!

Tonight one of my friends tried to comfort me with Stephanie's death by saying it was an accident, which technically, it was.  But, I don't believe in accidents.  I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe God has the control and power to stop anything or allow it.

Okay. I have to stop because I'm working myself into a mad against God!!

Sorry for rambling

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

Thinking of you today with Lots of Love ........

[lolynbo]

WELL IM UP...THANKS GUYS..GOING TO MY CHIRO APPT....I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY BACK THAT KINDA DOESNT HURT BUT I NO ITS THERE...PROB JUST THE WAY I HUNCH OVER AND SIT IM SURE..

YA IVE SEEN THE RAY OF LIGHT IN THAT PIC...ID LIKE TO THINK ITS MONTYS DAD AND MINE WATCHING THEIR GRANDSON RIDE...BUT IDK WHAT IT WAS..

YAL HAVE A BLESSED DAY....IM GLAD I HAVE U PEEPS AS MY FWENDS..

TRYING TO GO ON THRU ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT YOU KOURTNEY LYNN...WHAT A SPECIAL DAY TODAY WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR YOU AND US GETTN TO WATCH YOU CELEBRATE..LOVEN AND MISSIN YOU SO MUCH TATERSKIN...

[lostwoher]

  Thinking of Kourtney and her family <3

 Good luck at the dr. Hope all is well.

 Im feeling so old today as my son is now 25yrs old. UGH!   

[hotrod]

Dear Lorrie

                Holding warm thoughts of you and Kourtney today

                                   Take Good Care of Yourself

 

I was just thinking about Lynn and Susannah's posting regarding how they feel about themselves. I think that all  Indigos are  beautiful women who have been tested with fire and have exhibited much  grace, wisdom and fortitude.

I am proud to know each of you.  In my new world view---age is so very unimporant.  I can see in myself and all here that the  ability to have compassion and empathy is what counts.  You  all have much courage because you are willing to cry and be vunerable  and show up here without the "MASK"

Thank YOu   This is how I heal 

Leah I have lost many posting here until someone suggested that I type in a word doc**ent and then copy and paste to the board.  When I remember to do this it works perfectly and I do not lose postings

. 

Hope all Indigos are safe and warm

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[lostwoher]

 Betty, thank you for making me smile

[rlolheiser]

Morning Indigos

Dee, Thank you for your words of support ....  I think comparing the river to a marriage/relationship is truth described so simple yet so beautiful

Trudi, I know I have had the habit "only if" especially since JaBoa's accident, I still get lost in it at times.  I guess that is why I am trying so hard to look at it as only doing my best.  I know I am not a miracle worker, I am only human.. I will look after myself I promise this, I know I need to be around a long time (at least I am hoping to)......... I know how you feel about the facial thing.. a friend of my daughters offered me a free massage, but I couldn't do it.. :-)

Sherry, Thank you so much for the prayers...  I for one am looking forward to no more coats, hats, or scarves... even the little guy wants to know when Spring will be here, wish I could tell him :-)

Betty, I like the words, positive action, I need to practice it a bit more :-)  I never lost a post before, I guess I need to do it that way

Lorri, Sending prayers your way, thinking of you and kortney, I so enjoy her weding pictures, she is so beautiful

Kathy, thank you for your words..  My heart is with you at your time of sadness, again another stupid person opens their mouth.  Yes life goes on, I have heard that said to me so many times.. but it is such a different life, a much a life that doesn't shine so bright anymore.  I hope that you and Tavian have a wonderful day and Jessica will be with you each step of the way.  It will be emotional but the love you have in your heart and from all of us will see you through.

Beth, your pictures of Zach are so adorable.. I lift prayers up to God to help make your path manageable.

Susannah, I hope your doing better, your hard on yourself, you are a loving woman going through a hard time, be good to you.  It is so ok to have a meltdown, we love you!

I hope all of the Indigo family are doing ok, I may not say your names but your all in my heart

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

 

[briansdad]

Last night we had a Birthday Party for my Mom........95 years old. I asked her how she lived so long. She replied " Good clean living". Years ago my mom, who has been a widow since 1960 and never dated or anything in all her years after Dad. I asked what are you giving up for lent. She says with out a thought "Sex and watermelon".... Go Figure.

I also have some unreal orb pics from the party.

GREG

[Guest]

Greg - I hope you'll share your orb pictures.  I like your mom's sense of humor! 

Thank you to everyone for your warm thoughts.  Either God spoke to me this morning, or I have a very good imagination.  I won't go into detail of everything said, but one thing was, "You grieve because you can't hear, see or feel Stephanie while she about my business when you should grieve because you can't hear, see or feel me and I am always with you."

I'm exhausted from yesterdays emotions and am going to take a quick nap before picking up Jonathon.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

 Happy birthday Greg's MOM. Wow 95! Amazing. Funny lady she is.

Yes please share the photos.

Lynn

[briansdad]

Susannah,

I know where you are,been there done that. Here is something that may help.

[align=center]I walk alone among the trees

I hear your soft voice within the breeze

I feel your warm touch from the sun

Your life was brief, had just begun

Through rain swept clouds, I see your face

In honeycombs I treasure your taste

In babbling brooks your laughter rings

In angelic choirs your sonnet sings

In fragrant scent your blossom blooms

Like garlands scatter the earth like plumes

And as daylight's burden slightly wanes

Your single kiss falls from the rains

Your bright eyes shimmer from the stars

And slowly lift my hidden scars

As my heavy heart turns to peace

For the life you gave, you will never cease

For you will always be with me today

In knowing you are only one heartbeat away. [/align]

[align=center] [/align]

 

[andrewsmother]

My dear Indigo friends...

Haven't posted in a few days but have been reading them.  I don't have too much to say, I've been feeling unusually tranquil for the last couple of days, I'm afraid that might be the calm before the storm.

A funny thing happened that I wanted to share...as I have shared before my son Andrew didn't get along with my husband Sam (The King...and no Susannah, it doesn't bother me at all, I think its hilarious), Sam had a beautiful bouquet of red roses delivered to me for Valentine's Day, I decided to to dedicate the flowers to Andrew and I put them next to his picture as I do very often with a white candle.  The next day the flowers were dead...I mean literally the buttons had fallen over.  We all had a good laugh about it...even in heaven he's showing us he doesn't want anything to do with Sam.  I got him a new set of white roses which I put in the same spot with again another white candle...I asked my baby to have them bloom nice for me...to give me a sign he was ok.  So far, the roses blooming beautifully...still a bud, but slowly opening....I think Andrew might give me my sign after all.

I hope you are all doing well...Kathy, you are constantly on my mind, any news on BJ?  Deneace...I so get you, your post broke my heart but my friend I know exactly how you feel.

Finally how's going to the Conference in Little Rock?  I really want to go, I hope a lot of you are going though, I want to meet you all.

Gotta share some stuff about Chris that's worrying me but I need more time...I'm at work now, but I'm having some problems with him and I need youalls advice. 

Take care everyone...Love

Rosie, Andrew's mom

[ericasmom]

Rosie, the sign tha tI get from you is that you have a very good sense of your Boy, he is sending you signs. I love that you put white roses near him, those signify peace, with the white candle, he lets you know that peace is what he has now. No more struggles. take the rest and calm for what it is, a time to re-energize, a time to contemplate, whatever it is used for, is good.

[lolynbo]

HELLO INDIGO GIRLS AND GUYS..

CHIRO WENT WELL..TALKED ABOUT WHAT ALL WE WENT THRU WITH KOURTNEY AND SITTIN FOR 7 MONTHS AND HE THINKS THATS WHAT STARTED MY PELVIC BEING OUTTA LINE...SO WE ARE GOING TO WORK ON ALIGNING THAT FOR NOW..($165. WITH XRAYS)....GOTTA CALL AND FIND OUT IF IM COVERED BY INS....

OTHER THEN THAT IM HAVING AN OK DAY...AT LEAST THE SUN IS SHINNING AND I CAN HEAR THE BIRDS SINGING...

YAL BE BLESSED

[ericasmom]

Greg, nice poem, did you write it? It is a beautiful way to remind us that we do not walk alone.

Lorri, I love my chiropractor, he is one great resource to trying to stay healthy.

May this day be a special memory that brings more joy than bitter Lorri, for all of you.

Love,

dee

[briansdad]

Dee,

I wish I could write that well.

Here is a Picture I painted though.

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, I want to post now since you are going out for the day tomorrow with Tavian...My heart and prayers with you on the bittersweet of memories cherished and the 4th angel date for Jess. I am 5 months out from 4 years, and I just cannot even believe it still!! That friend of yours...phewey!! She hasn't a clue, and good for her that she doesn't. Though unfortunately she wouldn't realize it until tragedy would strike her own life. People just take life, family, the next breath for granted. Idiots till we know better...I guess.

I hope you and Tavian have a wonderful bonding day together as you celebrate your precious Jessica together. Love & Hugs, Claudia