Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Okay, I must have missed a post or something, why is Carley on bed rest? What happened, what procedure? I am sorry that today was a rough one Lorri. I do believe that the new moon is causing all sorts of uphevel for folks. I will pray for Carly.

Sus, I am glad that you have your tickets, I am unsure still...

Kathy, what lovely photos from Jess's friends showing their gathering and the jewels they left. I hope that guilt is one thing you won't feel, because four years have passed and Jess is telling you that guilt is no good, not going to do you or Tav any good, it is an energy waster and we parents do far too much of that guilt thing. None of us, not you or any one of us could change what is. Our Kids don't need us to go to the cemetery, that spot is there for us. We go when we feel the want or need, but never go because you feel you must in order to honor Jessica. You honored Jess the best way possible today by taking Her beloved Son out for the day adn showing him and yourself that laughter can happen and lunch can happen and meandering through town happens and all of it is good. You spent a day the way she would like for you both, a day that she too liked to spend when she was here. Jess was fully honored today by the time and attention you paid Tavian, and by the deliberate ways that you went out of the house to do the things that make the connections even deeper. You are not crying today because you don't feel the need. There have been days haven't there Kathy, where all you could do was cry, and now less of those, less time when they do oocur. Is this a bad sign? Nope, it means that while you will have those out of nowhere cloud bursts, the world is more in sync than it was a year ago, that life makes more sense now than it did. It does not mean you are less sad that Jess is gone, or that you have forgotten, it simply means that you are finding ways to live a good life that isn't always centered around the Loss of Jessica, but rather how to live well in her light.

Be kind to yourself, know that you are loved, and sleep deeply.

love to everyone,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Setback this morning when I first woke up...better later...worse later...better...worse, now somewhat better, flavored with anxiety.  What a bug...can't make up its mind!  Thank you all for your wishes...tomorrow I look for more "better" than "worse" times...

Lorri:  Praying for Carley and her little one...

Susannah:  Glad you've made your reservations...you are COMMITTED!  It will be so good to meet you...I haven't done mine yet, hopefully tomorrow I will feel up to it.

Betty:  I am so sorry about your friend's son losing his life so tragically.  I am glad that she thought to call you...you do have the tools to help her, even if all you do is listen, and say his name to her. 

Kathy:  JESSICA...JESSICA...JESSICA...saying her name....  Dee is so right, Kathy...you did do honor to Jessica today in the way she would have planned herself...Tavian enjoyed his day with his mimi, and you enjoyed the day with him...Jessica was smiling on you both...

Greg:  The "orb/kiss," precious, timely and perfect.  Such a princess. 

Colleen:  If Aaron has award(s) coming, perhaps, as I think it was Susannah said, you could go and make the night about him.  It will be tough, but Brian will send you strength, as will all of us...holding you up...sending love and comfort...

Sue:  Good to see your Shellsbells...and to hear from you...

Today was the first day of "spring training" in Florida for the Sox' new season...I know that Mike was sitting on the fence, smiling and grinning, and rubbing his hands together in anticipation...

Trudi:  So glad to hear that Steven and Kelly are in their new home...all the bumps they encounter now will be easier to handle...they've passed over the biggest hurdle...a pox on the previous owner for taking the landscaping, but at least Steven and Kelly will have an idea of what they want, having already seen it laid out.  Are the grandies enjoying their new home?

Must sign off; the "somewhat better" is fading...

love and peace to all my indigo friends...carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol get better today, rest and drink healing fluids with honey and white teas perhaps. Sip some broth. I wish I could come hang out and do some chores for you, not that I am any good at doing chores, but I could help take care of what ails you.

Trudi, I see that Australia finally gets a SAINT, the Pope has deemed Ms. MacKillop Good Enough to receive this honor.

Sonya, it was so nice to see your beautiful Danielle's face smiling out at us yesterday, how have you been?

Betty, how goes this sad time for your friend and for you?

To All, I am glad it is Friday and the sun is shining. When walking this morning as the sun was rising, the cardinals long song, the trill that tells me a nice day on the rise.

Loving you all,

dee

[Guest]

Good morning Indigo's!

Carol, I hope you're feeling better!  

Not much to add today.  I love that you share your walks and bird stories, Dee.  I am a huge fan of your writing!! 

Shelby, my golden retriever, is standing by the bed, looking at me, vigorously wagging her tail. 

Time to get up!

Much love to you all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Carol, let this little bug help chase away the other bug.

[mysonrich]

Good morning Indigos, I’ve been watching the Olympics’ in the evening. The ice skaters, snowboarder, down-hill skiers. Watching the human balls of energy make me tired! But, it may be the snow, gray sky…

Kathy, what is that blue thing in the ocean picture that Tavian took?

Betty, I’ve been holding your hand as you make the trip to see your friend.. And thanks for the reminder, “ it pays the bills”. I keep that in mind as well as “ one day at a time”.

Trudi, so good to hear of the move into the new home. I never heard of anyone taking ALL the landscaping. Something I saw on a bumper sticker,( or the net)” you find out who your friends are on moving day and when you need a ride to the airport”. So true. Ready for the road trip?

Sherry, I made muffins the other day. I didn’t have the right or enough ingredients so I winged it. Mistake. I thought the birds would enjoy the berries so I tossed the muffins in the now. They sank like bricks. The following day I checked to see if the birds, squirrels, whatever ate them. AHHH, I’m thinking, did my muffins kill a bird? Is that a bird I see in the snow? Ha ha..it was an old leaf the snow blower kicked up! But still, the muffins remain. The word’ restock” comes to mind.

Susannah, I understand and can relate to the “ knowing” that our children are fine. I don’t know how but I know. They are also very close by. I have no orbs or visions. Its just a knowing.

Carol, hope you are feeling better today. Dee, you are as busy as ever. Young people keep us young don’t they?!

Great pic’s of little Zach and kourtney the bride.Lorri, very tragic events in your life. Stay

well.

MaryAnn, Leah, Bonnie, Bethany’s mom( a senior moment) , Marcia, I know your name would come to me. Indigos, warm hugs sent your way today.

Betsy,mysonRich

[lostwoher]

 

[lolynbo]

AND U THOUGHT I WAS FN CRAZY LISTEN TO THIS...........

AMANDA HAS TURNED OUT TO BE A FN WEIRDOOOOOOO....2 WEEKS AGO SHE SAID SHE GOT THE CRACK BABY RIGHT....AND SHE GOT MARRIED TO ROBERT (WHOS SISTER DROPPED OFF THE BABY)...AND HER NAME IS "STEPHANIE"...WELL REMEMBER I TOLD YA "STEPHANIE GOT KILLED".....STARTN TO THINK THERE IS NO ROBERT, NO BABY, NO STEPHANIE......

SHE SAID SHE GOT MARRIED PRES DAY...OUR COURTHOUSE WAS CLOSED....?????

SHE ALSO SAID IT WAS SNOWING WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF CHURCH SUNDAY.....SHE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE IN OKC AT HOSP WITH BABY>?????????

SO HER AND I ARE TEXTN EVERYTHNGS FINE SHE DOWN AND DRAINING ME OF ANY ENERGY I HAVE.....AND SHE SAYS SHE DONT NO Y SHE IS ALIVE AND KOURTNEY IS DEAD.....(SAID THIS A MILLION XS).

AND I TOLD HER "WE ARE GOING TO OKC TO BE WITH BRENT AND CARLEY SO I WONT BE AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET THURS....SHE WENT FROM BEING DOWN TO...

"IM SLITTING MY WRIST, YOU NEVER WAS A GOOD FRIEND, EVERYONE IS RIGHT ABOUT YOU, TO (THEN SHE WAS ROBERT AND HE WAS TEXTN ME)...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO AMNDA SHE IS YOUR FRIEND, SHE NEEDS YOU, YOUR JUST LIKE ALL THE REST...SHES IN THE CLOSET AND I CANT GET HER OUT...TO IM KILLING MYSLEF AND TOMARROW YOU WILL BE SORRY".....

WTH IS THIS....I TOLD THEM.."I DONT NO WHAT THEHELL THEY NEED FROM ME, BUT I DONT GOT IT TO GIVE, I CANT EVEN FN HELP MYSELF..AND TO LEAVE ME ALONE"

THEN SHE REALLY GOT TICKED OFF..SO I HAVE TALKED TOMY COP FRIEND AND HE SAID HE WILL WATCH HER ON FB..AND PROB TURN HER IN SOON WITH THE SUISIDE THREATS....

ALL BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO SEE BRENT.....WOW AND HOW ARE YOU TODAY....?

[briansdad]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

MaryAnn, Leah, Bonnie, Bethany’s mom( a senior moment) , Marcia, I know your name would come to me. Indigos, warm hugs sent your way today.

Betsy,mysonRich

You know when I was a civilian ( before Brian died ) It would bug me that someone couldn't remember my name. But now I'll wear the tag Brian's Dad proudly and when I go the be with Brian I would be content to have Brian's Dad on my marker.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I needed to come here as usual to find my center, smile and feel the love, understanding and warmth of your spirits.

Kathy i am glad you and Tavian and Hubby experience a peaceful day yesterday  Loved the picture that Tavian took

Lorrie,  I am so sorry that you are finding how the world can drain you and turn on you in a dime.  Just take care of yoursef and your family. Come here often as there is no judgments, or expectations here.  Only acceptancer and love.

Betsy you are a funny lady  I loved the muffin story- I will need to send you some more bagels:) Glad you are letting the Job just be a job. 

Sherry and Dee thank you for sharing  your wildlife experiences  I look forward to them as well as seeing your angels faces. 

Sue  Yes the Poem and video did say it all.  As Betsy and Susannah say, I also KNOW that all our angels are safe and happy and in a wonderful place.  I still MISS his smile, his voice and his spirit.

Trudie  I loved the hearing idea.    I do believe I too have seletive hearing and the man who I see has domestic hearing  So funny:)  Take good care of yourself.  LOoking forward to seeing you in July.

Lynn Thanks for the smiley face they do cheer me and again I get to see Kyla

Colleen, Leah, Kathy , Carol and Sonya Dee, Betsy, Kathy,Susannah, Trudie and all Indigos thank you so much for your support yesterday at the passing of my friend's son.  I was so glad I could be there for her and I brought all your wisdom and compssion along with me.  Just knowing that listening, , sharing memories of her child, and just being there was enough  Really helped.  I arrrived back home lst night around 12 Midnight and she called at 1 AM to stay Thank YOu and that of all the people around her she felt so undrstood and supported by me.  That felt so good.  I will be going back this evening for a much shorter time.

Thank you all for being here.

Greg Loved the Orb Kiss

Betty

Stephen'smom 

 

[Guest]

Lorri - I'm so sorry you're going through that with Amanda.  So, there was no car wreck?  No body died?  And, she didn't get married?  And, she doesn't have the baby?  And, now she's threatening suicide to try and manipulate you?  Wow!  She is definite need of prayers and positive energy.  Fortunately, you don't have to be in her presence to offer those things. 

Betty --What a gift you are to your friend!  Is it also healing for you? 

Loving all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mpsmom]

I am so sorry I missed saying this yesterday........

[align=center]Sweet Jessica[/align]

[align=center] Jessica, Jessica, Jessica[/align]

[align=center]surround your Mom and Tavian with your love today. [/align]

 

Kathy, thinking of you and sending you all my love,   

Marcia     Bethanys Mom Forever

[ericasmom]

Wow, that Amanda is having a psychotic break it sounds like, and I want you to stay clear of her. It sounds like Amanda found someone who would believe in her and then she manipulated the person through her big heart. She is not okay to hang with or talk with anymore. Be careful please.

Betty, I know that you must be tired but I am glad that you were able to support your friend and in that you feel supported. Great. It is important to know that you are feeling the love around you as you work to make someone else learn how to live through this.

Blessings,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Greg:  I know what you mean...I remember when the kids were small and then through school and I was involved in so many of their activities...I was always "Kim's mom," "Cathi's mom," "Mike's mom," and now I am "Beka's nana," "Chandler's nana," etc., and I so wanted back then to be known as me, Carol...oh, such words, such thoughts..."Mike's mom" is just fine (and Kim's mom and Cathi's mom)...forever and ever.  Betsy don't worry about having a senior moment on Marcia's name...I am sure that being known as "Bethany's mom" is the most important to her, as well.

Lorri:  Being in the Air Force environment for over 26 years with hubby caused us to be exposed to LOTS of "weirdos" and I had to eventually learn to hold myself back when confronted with stuff like that...I had a lady once who told me she had lost her 16 yo daughter to cancer...cried all the time about it.  I was only 28 at the time...didn't know empathy for the loss of a child from diddly...but I tried.  Took care of her, helped her put on her makeup for work because she couldn't stop crying long enough...this was always when her husband wasn't home (he traveled).  After three months of this, come to find out that she never had a daughter...she had a son who had left because he couldn't stand it any longer.  This all came out when she came at me one day with a butcher knife, screaming that I needed to be taken away!   Be careful, Lorri, take care of yourself...as you said...you don't have much to give right now, and you need to look after you.  I am so sorry this happened to you, and so sorry that poor girl is so mixed up and confused...I pray for her, too. 

Betty:  I am so glad that you were able to be with your friend and that she obviously found comfort with you.  I know it is hard on you, and I wish so much that you didn't know how to understand what she is going through, but what is, is, and you are now being directed to someone who needs you...Stephen will give you strength...he knows...he knows how much you love him and miss him...just as we all here know, also. 

Am feeling a little steadier today, no ups and downs, seems to maybe have run its course---of course, it seems to have taken my energy with it, but I will come back eventually.

love and peace,  carol  "Mike's mom" always and ever

[mikesmum]

Lorri - It might be the name.  Mikes partner at the time he died was 'AMANDA'.  sociopath, psychopath, evil incarnate and that's just her good side.  Even 3 yrs on her thinking is so skewed and distorted.  Sadly she does have a little girl, a beautiful Harmony.   My hope it good triumphs over evil and Mikes gentleness stays with her as she grows....Have you removed her from your friends on FB.

Greg - I love that most of my kids friends only knew me as Mike, Melissa or Stevens mum...A proud badge to be worn for all to see.  Now I'm 'Muttley's mum'.

Betty - So glad you were able to support your friend.  You sound as though it lightened rather than added to your own load.   As Susannah says, 'is it also healing for you?'

Lynn -

Carol - Glad to see Dee identified the BUG!  Hoping your taking it easy today.  (I know you didn't get to sleep till way late).  OMG 28 with a nutso living close by.  Living this nightmare you wonder why someone would even want to 'makeup' a story like that.  Best I can think of is she was lonely.  Buy a pup!!

Betsy - you find out who your friends are on moving day and when you need a ride to the airport”. So true. Ready for the road trip?

Ain't that the truth.  Luckily when I came to the States last July I had a good friend who owned a  Suburban and drove with 'attitude'.  (thanks Colleen).  As for the road trip OH YEAH!

Dee - Yes Mary McKillop!  There are signs of her work throughout the country towns here in Victoria.  Some might think the Gold medalist in the half pipe should become a saint!!

Well, I now have a laptop, and any minute now I will get to use it.  Its WIFI (huh) and Mal has monopolised it for the past day.  

Bonnie - Didn't answer you the other day.  I cancelled the appointment.  Steve and Kelly asked if I would mind Jeya.  Jeya or shrink, Jeya or shrink....tell the story of Mikes death or read Cat in the hat.   Her giggle did so much more for me than talking about 'that day'.

Off to Rob Thomas tonight.  Local vineyard hold 'A day on the Green' concerts.  So picinic tea, rug, comfy camp chair and ahhhhhhhh Rob

Take Care Indigos....

[mikesmum]

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/02/micheal-shane.html

[ericasmom]

Betsy, love your muffin story, and Sherry, love that you had big woodpeckers and downies. What fun to watch. The woods that I walk are really just a small forest preserve area that is termed a wetland oak savannah. I am thankful for the people responsible for setting this land aside to protect over time, I sure hope that it stays as such.

Once time, when I was young and newly married, I made a big meatloaf and took it to my husband's (michael-eri adn jon's daddy) parents home. They loved my meat loaf but they didn't know that some days I made it good, and some days not so. So on this day, it was not so good, smelled good, lookded good, tasted like a bread loaf with a little meat in it. Heavy on the bread crumbs. So when there was a lot left over, Max, my former Dad-in-law, fed some to there then old cat. Old cat was skinny. He ate up a lot of bready-meatloaf. After about an hour we noticed that all the water in old cat's bowl was gone. Oh, he must have been very thirsty. Where on earth was he. We found him later, gigantic stomach, hardly looked like the same cat due to water retention from my famous meatloaf. Hilarious, and he was fine the next day.

I really am a better cook these days, well I hope so anyhow.

Love,

dee

PS yep, i agree trudi, Torah Birch really made Australians shout with glee today as she won the gold last night in snowboarding.

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Betsy, love your muffin story, and Sherry, love that you had big woodpeckers and downies. What fun to watch. The woods that I walk are really just a small forest preserve area that is termed a wetland oak savannah. I am thankful for the people responsible for setting this land aside to protect over time, I sure hope that it stays as such.

Once time, when I was young and newly married, I made a big meatloaf and took it to my husband's (michael-eri adn jon's daddy) parents home. They loved my meat loaf but they didn't know that some days I made it good, and some days not so. So on this day, it was not so good, smelled good, lookded good, tasted like a bread loaf with a little meat in it. Heavy on the bread crumbs. So when there was a lot left over, Max, my former Dad-in-law, fed some to there then old cat. Old cat was skinny. He ate up a lot of bready-meatloaf. After about an hour we noticed that all the water in old cat's bowl was gone. Oh, he must have been very thirsty. Where on earth was he. We found him later, gigantic stomach, hardly looked like the same cat due to water retention from my famous meatloaf. Hilarious, and he was fine the next day.

I really am a better cook these days, well I hope so anyhow.

Love,

dee

PS yep, i agree trudi, Torah Birch really made Australians shout with glee today as she won the gold last night in snowboarding.

DEE,

Good meatloaf story. Jan was going to make some for dinner but I talked her in to going out for Pasta.

Greg

[lolynbo]

OH Ya ive removed her from everything...fb phone..my life....she was still textn brooke and told her she is gettn divorced from robert and giving bailey up to the childrens shelter..shes just crazy ......told brooke to delete her too  .......

[Guest]

Lorri - Do you think there's really a baby, Bailey, involved?  Should Children's service be notified?

Love the meatloaf stories.  Mine usually turns out pretty good, but one time I served it and everyone was trying to eat it and I took one bite and just took it off the table and asked Gary to buy tacos.  To which he gladly complied.

He's taking me to Olive Garden tonight.  I'm still feeling good emotionally and finally feel ready to go out.  NOW I have a head cold!  I'm going to ignore it.  We're having dinner with all our dancing buddy's tomorrow.  Maybe even go country dancing afterwards.  Like Claudia's husband, Gary used to teach country dancing and competed.  He still has to count each step for me because I can't hear the beat.  So funny.  People think we're just adoring each other when I'm looking at his mouth as he counts.  Oh. we adore each other, too. 

Gary's also known for his margaritas.  Apparently he makes the best margaritas in Casper.  By the grace of God, I will never know.  Neither of us drink.  But, we always bring the booze.  So funny.

Just rambling. 

Love to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I forgot earlier to thank you for the "bug" picture...it was great!  I loved the meatloaf story...oh the tales of "trying to cook" in our earlier years, and some still so...(me, sometimes).  The first week we moved into our new apartment (right after we got married, hubby left for Guam, so we didn't get to do the "housekeeping" thing til months later).  I thought I would make a lemon marengue pie (can't even spell it!)...never had made a pie before in my life!  we lived in a studio apartment with the closet converted to a "kitchen."  one half foot of counter space!  Well, I started mixing the marengue and I wound up getting my fingers stuck in the blades of the mixer!  I was so embarrassed...this was the FIRST time I was cooking for hubby...and I get my fingers stuck in the blades!!!  It helped that I cried...he felt sorry for me. 

Trudi:  Yes, I think the decision for having Jeya was likely more beneficial to you...hope you had fun.  The "Names in the Sand" looks beautiful, and the poem is just perfect...did you write it yourself?  I was going to send Mike's name in months ago, but got the impression it was only for young children...how long did you have to wait?  Of course, I have the one from Colleen, when she placed Mike's ashes...but the sunset one is pretty, too. 

Susannah:  glad you are going out, and again tomorrow!  great!  good for you!

I hope everyone has a good weekend...relax, breathe, find some joy...forget about the clock.

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Hello Indigoes-----Well, it happened.....today I had a 'meltdown' of epic

proportions.  I visited the cemetery where my Davey & Lisa are laid to rest.

At the Babyland area where Lisa is buried, there was no way I could get to

her grave because of the heavy snow,plowed into deep drifts,  and may not have

 even been able to find her grave. All I could see was little white mounds of snow,

 which was all the tiny tombstones. I said a prayer while looking out the car window.

Also said a prayer near my dear dad's grave in the Veterans section---only the

American flag was visible at his grave. Then drove over to the other side of the

 cemetery to where Davey is buried. The top of his headstone was visible by only

 about 6 inches. The area  is always very windswept. Drifts were very deep, I saw

 deer tracks across the field. I plodded in drifts 3 ft. deep to get over to his grave.

 Then, after getting over there,by the woods, I just lost it. I have not felt such

 despair and ripping sadness in quite awhile. It just seemed like the heavy blanket of

 snow was just one more "layer" to cover over my children......separating us. Seemed

 so very final.....so desolate and lonely.   I stumbled back to the car, through the

 deep snow, got in the car, and just cried. I cried half the way home.  I'm feeling

 down in the 'black hole' now. Can't seem to care about anything right now.

    Sherry

 

   

[mikesmomrs]

Sherry:  I can see you trudging across the snow, only to find your tears were blinding you...I wish so much I could have been there, holding your hand, holding you, as your heart was assaulted with such pain that no parent should ever have to know, let alone to know it twice!  I am so, so sorry that you went through this...praying that your evening will calm down and you will find the spirits of your two lovely children, holding you up, warming your heart, bringing you hope for when you will see them once again. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[aim630]

This is my first time here. Just lost my 23 yr old daughter Ashley last week. She had been hospitalized 3 months on a ventilator from complications from H1N1, pneumonia, and mono. She had been in a medically induced coma till mid January, then they were able to wake her up. She was recovering very well, standing up, and was beginning to be completely weaned off the ventilator. That day they said she could finally have a slushie (she had only been allowed ice chips). She texted me what kind of slushie she wanted, but when I got there, they said it was not a good time to give it to her. Her heart rate was about 170, then went up to about 185. They gave her medicine to bring her heart rate down, then her heart just stopped. The cause of death was cardiac tacchyardia. Just out of the blue, I think I am still in shock. She should have been eating, drinking and talking by now, but instead I'll never talk to her again. Have an almost 17 yr old daughter so have to get up every day, but I think the shock is wearing off, and I'm really feeling this now. It is so unfair, I'm sure you all understand. She was so full of life, how could God take her from us now?

[hotrod]

Dear Sweet Sherry

I am so very sorry for your pain.  I too could see you in the Cemetary trying so hard to get to your babies as you were   searching, for a sense of your dear children, Lisa and Davey. 

 It is always a surprise when the "Black Hole" Opens and we descend once more.  Please know you are not alone.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet children are at your side.

Please be gentle with yourself

Trudie I loved the name in the sand and the Poem. Thank you for sharing it

Dear Ashley's mom  A sad welcome to Beyond Indigo.  I am glad you found us and have been able to share about your wonderful daughter, who was so full of love and life. 

You are not alone and what you are feeling is normal  Please come here often, post a picture of your daughter and tell us more about her and her vibant life.  We understand as few can.

 I lost my only son Stephen  over 2 years ago and this Board saved my sanity and life.

  

Betty

Stephen'smom

[mikesmum]

[user=43930]aim630[/user] wrote:

This is my first time here. Just lost my 23 yr old daughter Ashley last week. She had been hospitalized 3 months on a ventilator from complications from H1N1, pneumonia, and mono. She had been in a medically induced coma till mid January, then they were able to wake her up. She was recovering very well, standing up, and was beginning to be completely weaned off the ventilator. That day they said she could finally have a slushie (she had only been allowed ice chips). She texted me what kind of slushie she wanted, but when I got there, they said it was not a good time to give it to her. Her heart rate was about 170, then went up to about 185. They gave her medicine to bring her heart rate down, then her heart just stopped. The cause of death was cardiac tacchyardia. Just out of the blue, I think I am still in shock. She should have been eating, drinking and talking by now, but instead I'll never talk to her again. Have an almost 17 yr old daughter so have to get up every day, but I think the shock is wearing off, and I'm really feeling this now. It is so unfair, I'm sure you all understand. She was so full of life, how could God take her from us now?

No parent should never outlive their children let alone watch as they slip from their earthly bounds.   Its only day one and yet you are here - here is a place where all you are feeling from losing your child is valid and understood.   Another daughter to live for will see you talking one more breath, one day at a time.

I am so sorry you have lost your beautiful Ashley...pls come often and share when you can the Ashley you have in your heart.....

Take care - Trudi

 

[lolynbo]

SHERRY IM SO SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR DAUGHTER....I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU..BUT JUST NO AS BAD AS IT IS, THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO BE BI HAS HELPED ME ALOT...I POSTED ABOUT MY DAUGHTER KOURTNEY IN MY PROFILE...

SO SO SORRY SHERRY..I REALLY AM:(

[mikesmum]

Sherry - so long on this journey still the tears take you. Not being able to reach Lisa's resting place and walking through 3' snow walking towards Davey just like walking thru life without them.

I wish I knew the words that would take away the ache in your heart...but you know there are no words that will fill that hole in our hearts...

May you be warm now with thoughts of Davey and Lisa, of better times.  Hugs to you Sherry....Trudi

[briansdad]

[user=43930]aim630[/user] wrote:

This is my first time here. Just lost my 23 yr old daughter Ashley last week. She had been hospitalized 3 months on a ventilator from complications from H1N1, pneumonia, and mono. She had been in a medically induced coma till mid January, then they were able to wake her up. She was recovering very well, standing up, and was beginning to be completely weaned off the ventilator. That day they said she could finally have a slushie (she had only been allowed ice chips). She texted me what kind of slushie she wanted, but when I got there, they said it was not a good time to give it to her. Her heart rate was about 170, then went up to about 185. They gave her medicine to bring her heart rate down, then her heart just stopped. The cause of death was cardiac tacchyardia. Just out of the blue, I think I am still in shock. She should have been eating, drinking and talking by now, but instead I'll never talk to her again. Have an almost 17 yr old daughter so have to get up every day, but I think the shock is wearing off, and I'm really feeling this now. It is so unfair, I'm sure you all understand. She was so full of life, how could God take her from us now?

Here is a link to some information that will help you through the next months.

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/IN%20THE%20BEGINNING-01-03-06.pdf

Greg

Briansdad

 

[ericasmom]

Dear Aim63, my goodness I am sorry, so sorry for all you are going through right now. We get it, wish you didn't have to do this, but you have indeed come to a good place filled with good folks that will support you as this unwinds for you. While it is only one week and seems like a year and at moments seems like yesterday, you might notice how messed up time is. Some layer of shock may be wearing off, but there are many layers, like our skin, and we shed one in order to allow some of reality to sink in. In a month maybe two, you will likely shed another and go through another stage of grieving. What ever you do, please do not feel you are not making progress if you feel worse one day than you had been feeling. The fact that you are here so early on is a very good sign of your hoping for assistance, of finding ways to make it through this horror. I am sure that your almost 17 year old is going through her own kind of hell as well. We all grieve differently but one thing sure, when we can say whatever is in our hearts to folks that will not judge but will listen and listen some more, you will feel the support. We have all been in the same starting place, some of us to sudden deaths, some of us to long illnesses, some to accidents...we all end up dealing with the same reality.

My Girl, Erica, (eri, tink, bing) was 19 when her car was struck by an Amtrak in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I live just outside Chicago. Eri died six days later in July of 2003. Yep, I have been here a long time, me and Sherry both are coming to 7 years. Life will change many times over for you adn your Daughter, and we are here to let you know that you will make it, even if you don't want to right now, you will make it out of this extreme ache, but it will take time. We're here, so don't worry about time. Get through one hour at a time, drink plenty of water as the grief and tears will dehydrate you and you will need to stay on top of that, daughter too. Try to make sure that you eat a bit of protein a couple times per day in case you are not hungry you will need to make a point of it. Remember one thing beyond that, your Ashley loves you guys beyond any words, she knew you were rooting for her, she knows you are hurting, and she will always be your Daughter. Always and you will always be her Beloved Mom.

Peace one day

dee

[ericasmom]

Greg, good call on going out, my meatloaf inspired a night out. How was the pasta? I do make some good pasta dishes, well sometimes anyhow.

Sherry my dear friend,

the ache in your heart is needing to come forward, to cleanse the overwhelmed feeling of being cooped up in the house, a house you are moving from which is also emotional. Could be you are boxing up memories to be moved which we all know is quite a trip down lanes of our lives that cause great emotional output. The snow and not being able to get to the sites is an unnerving feeling, like I can't even talk with my Babies because I can't find them, I can't find them. And we are faced with the undeniable reality once again, not that we don't know it each day of our lives, first thing each morning, but goodness, sometimes when many years pass, we almost feel outside our own history a bit, and we get smacked once in a while, THIS IS MY REALITY!

So I will pray Sweet Sherry, that Davey and Lisa are holding hands right now and sitting near you as you try to understand the hole's depth at this time in your life. Let them weave their silver thread through the fisher, and remind you that while the sadness is always a part of our history, there was great joy there too. That they had great joy in living with you. And it is that joy that they also relish.

Blessings,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Gold thread

Take this damaged tissue

and weave some golden threads through it.

Decorate my aching soul,

pull a seam of glistening strength to bind the once gaping wound,

snug it tight and tie many knots…

just in case-

we get another soul crushing day,

just in case,

we lose a knot,

knowing there are more…

that are tied carefully by the hands of angels.

dee

[rlolheiser]

Good evening my friends, not much going on, it is kind of quiet around here tonight.  I have been thinking a lot.. sometimes that isn't so good.  My tooth is starting to remind me it is there again, :-( only one more week to go, knock on wood.

Betsy, I had to laugh at your muffin story, there have been more than once that I have thrown things out to the wild critters outside, and wondered if I shoud have :-) thank you for sharing I needed that

Lorri, I am sorry to hear that your friend used your heart, I am glad that you talked to your cop friend and let him handle it

Hey :-) Brians Dad..  me too I love the name JaBoa's grandma.. these names just have such a ring to them.

Betty I am glad you were able to be there for your friend, she is lucky, I hope your taking care of you in the process (hugs)

Oh Dee.. poor kitty :-) I can imagine..  I know we all make our mistakes and luckily we learn.. I think I learn anyway.. I know sometimes I come up with things that even the dogs wont eat.

Susannah, I am glad your getting out, you deserve a break

Sherry, I feel so bad for you, I hear your despair in your words, I hope you find peace my friend, I know how desolate the snow covering can make you feel.. (hugs) feel all the love from your friends and from your Davey and Lisa

aim630, I am sorry you have to be here, but it is a wonderful site to share your most tragic heartbreak.  When you are ready all eyes and ears will be here for you, hoping to help you reach out to peace.  I pray that you and your daughter will find strength together.  Ashley is with our angels watching over us, take care of yourself, and share your grief with us so we can try to help. (hugs)

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Greg, good call on going out, my meatloaf inspired a night out. How was the pasta? I do make some good pasta dishes, well sometimes anyhow.

Blessings,

Dee

Well Dee,

The damn place was packed and I didn't feel like waiting. we ended up having pizza.

[Guest]

(((((((Sherry))))))) Standing by you in understanding!  I'm so sorry today was so difficult for you.  What a vivid picture you painted of trudging through the snow to get to your child.  Very lonely.  Very powerful.

Ashley's mom!  Oh my goodness!  I'm so sorry you have to be here with us!  But, I'm so glad you found us!  There is a lot of wisdom and love here.  I hope you will share more when you are ready.  If you are up to it, tell us about Ashley.  Tell us about your 17 yr old......what ever you are comfortable with.  There are no rules.

My 28yr old daughter Stephanie died on Aug. 29, 2009 in an ATV accident.  This is a place where we can share our grief freely. 

All of other Indigo's....we had a great time at Olive Garden.  There was a 60 minute wait and the lobby was crowded with people.  I didn't panic or burst into tears or collapse!  Hurray me!  I enjoyed the people.  And, I loved the food!! 

My biggest worry right now is the cord to my laptop is broke and it's gooing to go dead any minute and I can't recharge it.  I'll have to actually use the bigger computer at a desk!  This laptop has become my security blanket.  I literally carry it from room to room with me.  No lie!  I take naps with it sitting on my knees.

My family is so accepting of it!  If I ever write the book, there will be a chapter about it.

Love you all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo's...thank you all again for saying Jessica's name....still no tears.

Dee - thank you my friend, your wisdom seems beyond your years - everyone here always gives me great, wonderful advice but I must say that between you and Trudi I am always in awe of the way you take your thoughts and put them to this board and lift my heart and grief to a higher place...thank you..

Ashley's mom...I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Ashley. Yes, you are still in shock, just past a week is not even a beginning of understanding anything...I promise you though that if you stay with us here at Beyond Indigo you will find strength, love, patience, understanding, and everything else you might need to travel this journey of loss. I am Kathy and I lost my beautiful daughter Jessica 4 years ago, on Feb. 18, 2006 from ARVD, she was just 26 and left a beautiful son Tavian behind, he is now just turned 8 on Feb 11.   This site and the wonderful people here have saved my life so many times, they have taught me to breathe, take one step at a time, baby steps, one second, one minute at a time.  You have another daughter you say and that is a reason to get up each morning yes, but you will also need your time of grieving for Ashley....I am so glad you are here yet hate that you have had to find us...walk along with us, the old and new to this journey, share your Ashley with us when you can...Bless you and my prayers for you and yours.

Susannah...thanks for the info..really needed it although I do believe that Trudi gave it to me...the mind is not what it used to be.

Sherry - I hold you tight with virtual hugs as you find yourself in the dark place. Yes, there are times my friend when we are over taken by an onset of grief so intense that it consumes our entire being, nothing can stop the flood of tears or pain. Sending you sunshine to hopefully help break through the cloud...

Lorrie - OMG..that woman is CRAZY and you best take care, glad you have notified the police.  I worry now about Baily - is there or is there not a Baily ???? That girl is much more than a "silly Twit", she needs serious help...you take care of yourself !!

To all whom I have missed you all know it is not intentional and you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all. Sweet dreams and restful sleep. Kathy

[ericasmom]

Greg, pizza is good...I guess tonight was a good night for many to go out. HOpe the pizza was great. Your post made me laugh.

Sus, glad you had the meal that made you happy. I am also happy to hear that you were able to stay in line waiting for a table for an hour without melting. It is a big step when you face the world, nothing to hide behind, just out there swinging in the wind. Some days when it all works out, you realize that you can do this. Go dance tomorrow, dance your butt off.

Kathy, I have known you now a long while, 4 years. I am happy that we are friends, and if my words have assisted you well then, I am powerfully happy. You do realize too Kath, that you have helped me and many others here. Jess is proud of this as well.

Sherry, I am hoping that as you sleep your angels pull the gold thread through the hurting place, tighten up that space and allow you to feel their healing love.

My heart,

dee

[rlolheiser]

It is Saturday Februrary 20, 2010 and I can't sleep.  My mind keeps going back in time to a much happier day, February 20, 1996 when JaBoa Lea was sent to earth from heaven to bring happiness to everybody she met.   I remember going through labor with her mom, and watching this miracle be born, she had the biggest feet I had ever seen on a baby and a head of hair that I couldn't believe.  As she grew her hair turned to beautiful ringlets that circled her head like a halo.  Each year she impressed us with her wisdom beyond her years.  She was an innocent soul with so much childlike mischief.. I remember when she sold rocks to the neighbors.. (which she did return the money) She could move everyone with her smile and outgoing personality.  How very fortunate was I to be the grandma of this little borrowed angel.  I am missing her so much today! I remember how she badly she wanted to be a teenager because she never believed she would be.. The talks we had and dreams not met.  I know she is in heaven, because it was never good enough here on this earth for her she was just to special.. nonetheless I miss her with every beat of my heart and I cry to touch her again, even if it was just in dreams..  So my little girl, I don't know what kind of parties they throw in heaven but I hope it is a good one.  Ray Ray and I will be sending you your baloons.. he misses you too.  I love you my heart.. shine bright

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[lostwoher]

 Happy Heavenly Birthday Angel JaBoA!

 Welcome Ashley's Mom. So sorry you have a reason to be here but rest assured this is the place to be. Tell us more about your girl when you are able. Wrapping my arms around you knowing the gut wrenching feeling you are going through.

Kayla is on the roadside in the cemetary so there isnt much of a trek to get to her. The snow had drifted but I didnt mind going thru it to get to her. Even tho it was just a few steps it seemed to have taken longer. Weird. It is a draining task but one I will continue to make just to let her know she is remembered and missed. Alot of the snow is gone so I need to go back so I can retrieve the ornaments on the blanket before the crew does their cleanup. I am missing 2 so hoping they had just fallen underneath and are hiding in the snow. She may have even taken them since one is of a carebear .

I have the wknd off from work so thinking its a good time to get my puzzles glued and ready for hanging. I may even start another one. Looks like more snow on the way later tonite- UGH, when is it going to end and let the spring begin???

Take care Indigos.

Thinking of you all,

Lynn aka Kayla & Travis's Mom

[mysonrich]

Happy  Birthday  JaBoA,

 

[hotsauce]

JABOA    JABOA    JABOA

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

love and hugs

[ericasmom]

"she had the biggest feet I had ever seen on a baby and a head of hair that I couldn't believe.  As she grew her hair turned to beautiful ringlets that circled her head like a halo.  Each year she impressed us with her wisdom beyond her years.  She was an innocent soul with so much childlike mischief.. I remember when she sold rocks to the neighbors.."

you will always remember these wondrous things about the Girl of your Dreams. And she will always know your Love.

Long may you Run Joboa. Happy Birthday Sweet Little One.

[Guest]

Happy Birthday, JoBoa!  Bless your grandma with your presence today, sweet angel.

Leah, I chuckled when I read your description of JoBoa.  What a wonderful tribute to her.  Stephanie, too, sold rocks door to door for 4-H (which she never belonged to) with her friend.  I think she was about 7 or 8.  She had to return the decorative rocks that she took from the other neighbor's yard and return the money to everyone.  I think they raised about $40.00.  I was so angry at the time.  Such a precious memory now.

Kathy - I understand the forgetting part.  Believe me, I do!

Ashley's Mom - You were the last person I thought of before I drifted off to sleep last night and the first person I thought of when I woke up this morning.  I make my presence known here everyday just to feel connected, but this morning my "shout out" is to you.  I absolutely know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, so I won't even try.  I remember those first weeks when the pain was so physical I couldn't breath.  I'm so sorry for your loss!  Like Rosie, though, you came here quickly, and I think that is a sign of strength.  I'm sorry for using that word "strength".  People kept commenting on how strong I was and I just stared at them.  I wasn't strong.  I was dying.  I was just in a daze going through the motions.  So, I will use another word.  Your coming here so early shows that you are a survivor. 

We survive something we have no desire to survive.  I don't trust my own emotional state because it's only been six months for me.  But, I seem to have turned a corner last week.  The pain has subsided.  I know it can come back without notice with sharp precision.  Oh dear!  My intention is to tell you it does get better.  Or easier.  I'm not doing very well.  This journey is like learning to swim in quicksand.  The point is we do learn to....and the quicksand thins, lightening the burden some.  Right now, I'm kind of floating due to either a spiritual experience or pure insanity.  Either way, I'll take it!

I had addressed you all as Gardner's last night.  I went back and changed it.  It's a spiritual group I've belonged to for two years. 

Loving each of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[hotrod]

                     Dear JoBoa

Stay Very Close to GrandMa

and your Family today and warm them with 

 many beautiful memories of you.

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[hotrod]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Gold thread

Take this damaged tissue

and weave some golden threads through it.

Decorate my aching soul,

pull a seam of glistening strength to bind the once gaping wound,

snug it tight and tie many knots…

just in case-

we get another soul crushing day,

just in case,

we lose a knot,

knowing there are more…

that are tied carefully by the hands of angels.

dee

Dear Dee

I do believe that all my Indiigo friends who have shared their angels and the love they feel have also  sown many golden threads for my aching soul.  

This is a truly beautiful poem

Thank you.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[hotsauce]

dear ASHLEY'S mom,

i am sorry for the reason you are here, but just know we all are going through this journey of losing an angel.  we are here to help each other whatever way we can.

i lost my only child Brian to leukemia at the age of 22 on 5-1-09.

lost of hugs

mary ann (hotsauce)

BRIAN'S momdukes

[mpsmom]

[align=center]Happy Birthday JoBoa  !!!!!!!![/align]

[align=center]Give your Grandma a big squeeze today, [/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]HUGS,      Marcia     Bethany's Mom Forever         [/align]

[shorty16]

Dee

I have also made some meals that inspired a night out to eat.  I remember my first meatballs.  We used then as pucks for kitchen-floor hockey.

Thanks for making me laugh today.  I really needed that

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET AND WONDERFUL JaBOA...

please surround your grandma and family with love and precious memories to help them through this day...may our angels provide you with the best party ever, sweet angel...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Ashley's mom:  I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Ashley...it has only been a week on this terrible journey for you, and the pain and loss is living on your skin, in your heart, everywhere you look or think about...it is so difficult to understand or believe that this could happen...we here all understand, know how you feel, are here for you...please tell us more about your beloved Ashley, and your other child, as well, when and how you feel up to it.  We all love to talk about our angels, and we love to hear about the other angels represented here, as well.  I am so sorry you have had to learn of BI, but so happy that you have found us.  I lost my son, Mike, at the age of 31 on October 14, 2006, to brain cancer.  There are many ways here in which our children left this earth, but the bottom line is the same, we now have a huge hole in our hearts, that will never be repaired, but the love and support offered here will help to heal the edges so they aren't quite so piercing, so devastating, over time...much time.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs