Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS...YA IM HERE I SURVIVED....WENT TO CHURCH THIS MORN.....

ARE YAL LIKE ME, I JUST FEEL LIKE IM ALONE EVEN I A CROWD AND THAT I JUST DONT HAVE ANYONE...EVEN GOING TO CHURCH ISNT HELPING....MAYBE ITS THE WEATHER AND TIME OF YEAR..IDK...JUST SSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS..

KIMBERLY WANTD TO COME IN TODAY "AFTER CHURCH"...SO THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AROUND 2 AND THEN A 2 HOUR DRIVE...SO YA A VISIT FOR ABOUT 2 TO 4 HOURS...SO I TOLD HER NOT EVEN TO COME...(OR BOTHER)....

MOST OF YAL HAVE SEEN THIS PIC BUT I WANTED TO POST IT...FOR YA..MONTY AND KODY WATCHEN NASCAR WITH PIXIE LU...

[lolynbo]

WHAT I HAD IN THE PAPER TODAY FOR KOURTNEY LYNN...

[rlolheiser]

Good Evening all, I am feeling so much better, a little pain but I guess that is to be expected.  I can bite down on my teeth and not climb the wall... amazing how little things make a person feel better :-)

Thanks so much for the good wishes Bonnie, Betty,  Dee( wow! what a story, so glad Eri got the ticket she was meant to have), Betsy (I hope you find strength), Sherry(such handsome grandies.. I love the hair and the smiles, Carol (glad you have power again, I remember how it feels, especially with somebody who can't be in the cold for long, it is also good to hear your sister is doing better)Kathy (lazy and Tavian .. hmmm I doubt the two words go together :-)) Amy (I guess even a bad tooth can have happy memories..also imagining Ashley and the angels partying :-))

Lorri, that was a lovely birthday wish for Kourtney, my thoughts are with you..  I really liked the fairy picture too..but then again, all your pictures are a pleasure to view.

I am getting tired, so I think I will lay down, I haven't had much time for rest yesterday and today so ... while I can I better :-) I hope all of you have a good night and sweet dreams

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

 

[briansdad]

Here,this is for you Dee. I like the line "it's better to burn out than to fade away"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY5x8pF512k&feature=PlayList&p=FF17ECD81FF7FB86&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3

[ericasmom]

WEll thanks very much Greg, are you a Neil fan as well? The man never stops, he plays all over the world still, his messages continue to be played with passion and energy from someone one fourth his age, love that about him. He plays to breathe, and breathes to play. All the money he has donated adn given to causes that are vital to so many. Listen to his Bridge School Albums, all the money from the concerts and albums go to the school itself, that he and his wife, Peggy started for Kids with communication issues, many with physical disabilities as well. Just marvelous people.

So thanks Greg, for thinking of me, and allowing me yet some more memories to dance me off to those days. THe farm aid was when Eri was a tiny one year old.

Dan, good to see you too, and what a sweet story about the little dog listening to you tell about Nick. Our stories need to come out and be told, there are stories in us that need retelling.

Going to sleep soon, tomorrow is Casmir Pulaski day, a day off from school, so I will be grading papers and working on some report cards in a casual environment---home!

Really nice thing happened yesterday. One of Erica's good buddies, who is a stand-up comedian in Chicago is producing comedy shows near Wriggly Park, (cubs) and she called yesterday adn said that she is trying to put together a show for April to honor Erica, and she would like the proceeds to go to the Erica Reith fund that I have for kids that attend Lincoln School. Can I tell you how choked up I became, could not talk, wept in fact, adn then we laughed. Amy is just a doll, raw as can be on stage but makes me laugh my butt off. She will have Cecily in the show too, another life-long buddy to ERica. How cool. So ERI's b-day is april4, and Amy thinks she will produce the Eri show for the following weekend. Each day blessed through the wonderful humans my Children love and are loved by.

Jonathan drove from Salt Lake City to Vail Colorado yesterday and said it was the most beautiful drive he's taken. He was in awe of the rock formations, the colors of the rocks, the river running alongside, and the valleys and peaks. I am so happy that he is seeing the miracle of this earth. That he is feeling a part of it all. Today he was out for a day with his buddies that he met up with in Colorado, snowboarding.

Peaceful sleep and gentle dreams,

dee

[mikesmum]

Carol - "Let there be light".  Glad to hear you and hubby are back home safe and warm.

Greg - Love the clip.  Yep the old school rock n rollers play live better than anyone.  We had John Fogarty here in the valley.  He was amazing..  Told my kids - didn't know him...tried the CCR link...WHO???

Leah - Hope the healing process is quick and painless.  The trip sounded more horrific than the dentist!

Sherry - They are just the most handsome young men.  Grandies....ahhhhh

Dan - Glad you got to take a spin in Nicks car...connection made.  As for telling the puppy - you know they get it even if they never met our kids.  Muttley focusses, tilts the head and when needed licks!!

Dee - The imagery of Tink barefooted, muddy with dreadies beating time with the music of 'old time rock and roll'.....I have an image of perhaps another young girl doing similar in her time??   So glad to hear Jon found the beauty on his trip.  I can imagine (knowing you to be teary at the best of times) your heart swelled and the tears fell at hearing this beautiful gesture by one of Eri's friends in honour of your girl...

"I feel like I'm alone even in a crowd"..  Lorri - I know that feeling even with I'm with my family.  Its okay for a little while then I seem to fade into the walls.  I am sorry Kimberley hasn't stepped up the way you needed at this time.  I guess it goes along with 'we all grieve' differently, we all remember differently too.

The weekend as I said was bittersweet.  Charley went back to Steven.  Yes there were tears....I will miss Charley.  On the way over small 'meltdown'  Steven was now offically older than Mike....  Melissa and her family were there as was my ex.  Melissa had been trail biking this weekend.  (yes I hold my breath).  Hate that my mind works to the worst case senario. 

Oh well, tired and emotional so will have a nanna nap......

Charley going home.

Miss Melissa riding through the regenerating forests! (she doesn't look like she's 33!)

My computer tech - photographer and almost as tall as granma - Emily Jade

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's,

Trudi - I feel attached to Charley and Muttley.  In one post I think you referred to Charley as a she.  Is he a she?

Indigo's - I had a most disturbing night of dreams.  In one dream my sister who died a couple of years ago was alive and we were fighting and all of a sudden I began screaming "MY DAUGHTER'S DEAD!"  I kept screaming it in hysterics.  Gary said I even said it out loud.

Than, I had several dreams where I tried to kill myself.  In one dream I actually succeeded, but there was another me watching who said, "That wasn't so bad.  Now I know I can do it."  I guess I talked in my sleep that time, too.

I don't feel suicidal at all.  But, I am going to talk to my doctor about it. 

The dreams are disturbing to me because while I'm awake, I haven't felt sad or devastated or in despair.  Not since that "God" day.

Maybe I really have gone insane.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

I see my grammar/spelling needs improvement.

I just talked to my energy healer who is also my OBGYN's nurse.  She said the suicide dreams are actually representative of the death of the old me and the rebirth of the new me.  I feel better about that.  It would suck to be suicidal when I don't want to die.

 

[ericasmom]

Susannah, remember that our dreams work through ideas that may shoot through our thoughts without our notice in the daylight hours, and are subject to so many other inputs from the world, books, tv shows, music, other people's concerns. My dreams too are an exhaustion sometimes, and often it is when I remember the dreams upon waking or later in the day that I realize that these things are harbored in the back of my brain. I too, like Trudi, always have this disaster thingy waiting for me on the outskirts of my thoughts, and it does intrude in my everyday at times. So I must try to heed those words and concepts of Buddha.

Trudi Dear, you look great in the photo, tell Ms. Em that she is a good photographer, very good. I love the Charlie Girl, I know you will miss her. I know that the bittersweet of Steven being older than his Big Bro is also mind boggling. Time, once again, has this amazing hold on me, I don't get it, how does it move and change life and not slow down, unless of course, it is in the middle of the night that seems 5 nights long. I sure do know what you mean about Melissa and the worry factor. I realize that when I get like this, it may be time to dial the therapist number and go in for a tune-up. I am finding that my thoughts are in the what-if stage right now, which has me on alert, like some kind of sniffer dog,sniffing out danger. As if I could prevent anything...gee, wonder why my dreams are crazy.

I don't think I commented Trud, on the video you posted from Mike's friend, Stand by Me...so perfect a song. I also like I'll stand by you by Chrissy Hynde, and each time she croons, "won't let anyone hurt you..." I cry like a lost sheep.

Have a great Monday Everyone, it is the 4th straight day of leaden gray skies, but the temps are rising some, and there is a promise of sunshine tomorrow. I'll take it.

Back is bad, woke up with my lower back troubled, don't know what I was chasing in my sleep but apparently it took its toll on me. I am crooked. Must call chiropractor. 

[shorty16]

Hello fellow Indigo's

My company had a series of lay-offs on Friday.  I was not one of them, but the ones they choose, really suprise me.

Over the weekend, I thought about the fact that I might loose my job.  That thought does not even touch the thought of lossing my child.

With life in perspective, lossing a job is not the worst thing that can happen to me.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

Dee I am sorry to her about your back and hope you get that appointment with the chiropractor.   I am so impressed and pleased that Eri's friend is going to do a tribute to her this spring.  How special is that!!! Jon's trip sounds terrific as well. 

 

Susannah I am glad you discovered the source of your concerns  It sounds right to me.  Great news.  The new you being reborn is very special.   Take care I was worried about you.

 

Dan Thanks for sharing the story about driving Nick's car and then spending time talking to your puppy about Nick and how you felt.  That was beautiful and touched my heart. 

 

 I am so glad You and Greg kept your son's cars  I also think Bonnie was able to get Jason's car back  I sometimes  regret that  I gave Stephen's Race Car away to his Racing buddy.   I know he would be happy knowing it is racing on a track in Canada and winning,  I get pictures from time to time.  So I guess that is more important.

 

Lorrie  Loved the picture of Cody and Monty  Really sweet   Newspaper card for Kourtney was beautiful

 

Trudie  Thanks for the Medley of pictures  All so special. lI know you and Mutley will miss Charley  I agree with you and Lorrie when out in a crowd or in a intimate situation I often feel so very lonely down deep in my soul 

 

Leah So glad you are recovering and have checked in and are resting.

.

Colleen I agree there IS NOTHING WORSE THAN LOSING A CHILD.  Everything else is manageable

 

Carol  I hope you are warm and safe and enjoyed dinner last night.

 

  I am having a hard time this week because it will be Stephen's birthday on Thursday. This is  my 3rd Birthday without him.  I am a very private person and will not share my pain with others (Not that they remember or want to participate)  I will spend it alone, lighting candles, releasing balloons and going thru old photos.   In preparation for that I took out the albums last night and came across a picture of Stephen and myself the day he came home from the hospital.  He weighted 4 lbs 5 oz .  Looking at the pictures brought tears to my eyes  His trusting little  eyes staring right into mine  and little hand reaching out to mine!! So very trusting I   could I not save him no matter how hard I tried.

I have attached the picture

 

Pam, Rosie, Beth, Maryann, Kim. Claudia, Betsy, Sonya, Sherry and all Indigos have a safe day

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:) 

[lolynbo]

DEE SOOOOOOO NEAT OF ERI'S FRIEND TO EVEN THINK..OF  ERI AND WHAT AN HONOUR....I LOVE IT....

I FEEL THE SAM WAY I JUST WANNA SCREAM IT OUT ..."MY DAUGHTER IS GONE...HOW DO YOU GO ON WITH OUT MY DAUGHTER...IS IT SO HARD TO JUST CALL OR TEXT OR VISIT FOR A FEW MINUTES"......

BUT I DONT.....I JUST KEEP IT IN....

NOT ONE PERSON (KOURTNEYS FRIENDS) PUT ONE THING ON HER MYSPACE PAGE FOR HER BIRTHDAY...NOT ONE  CEPT ME....THEN I  LOST IT...

[Guest]

Betty - I wish I were there to be with you on Stephen's birthday.  We will all be with you in spirit.  Such a tiny baby!  Thank you for your concerns about me.  I really think I'm doing well.  But, what do I know?  LOL  If Stephanie's death has taught me anything it's that I don't know much. 

Yesterday, I did realize the most important thing I've learned through her death is the most important thing is love.  I tend to think love should always feel good.  And, that's not always the case, as we all know.  Sometimes love means having to say "No", as any parent of a child in the throes of addiction/alcoholism understands.

Dan and Greg - I so appreciate your participation in this group.  It is so helpful for me to know what father's go through, too. 

Trudi - I love the picture of you with Charlie.  Such a sweet face, she has.  I just want to hug her.

Lorri - If I am honest with myself, I don't feel lonely these days.  I don't know if it was loneliness I felt before a couple of weeks ago, or if it was that I felt alien.  Except with you all I felt isolated.  Since a couple of weeks ago (I hate to keep referring to it as "since I heard God or went insane") I actually feel a part of everything. 

It's a serene emotion.  I even touched a tree with my bare hand the other day, actually feeling the life within the tree.  When my friend asked what I was doing, I said I was just saying hello to the tree.  She laughed and asked if it answered.  "Yes, actually, it did!"  Then we both laughed.

I'm glad I'm getting older, because perhaps my family will just attribute my new "spiritual insanity" to age and not have me committed.

Even as the birds fly and talk to each other, I feel a connection with them.  I feel a connection with the dirt in my backyard.  And, what's even more disturbing, is I can actually SEE white energy around EVERYTHING. 

The only thing lacking is the ability to read minds, see the departed when I want to, and I'm not any smarter than I was two weeks ago.  I have no special gifts like I read about when people have a remarkable spiritual experience.  I'm just me...still lazy....still opinionated.  Still moody.

The knowledge that there is a Creator, Source Energy or God is deep within my soul.  The knowledge that there is a reason for everything and that our real lesson on this earth is to love and practice forgiveness is just as deep. 

I am no longer worried about Stephanie.  I miss her.  But, it isn't with the searing, unbearable pain that prevented me from breathing. 

I'm rambling.

Thank you all for "listening".

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

WEll thanks very much Greg, are you a Neil fan as well? The man never stops, he plays all over the world still, his messages continue to be played with passion and energy from someone one fourth his age, love that about him. He plays to breathe, and breathes to play. All the money he has donated adn given to causes that are vital to so many. Listen to his Bridge School Albums, all the money from the concerts and albums go to the school itself, that he and his wife, Peggy started for Kids with communication issues, many with physical disabilities as well. Just marvelous people.

So thanks Greg, for thinking of me, and allowing me yet some more memories to dance me off to those days. THe farm aid was when Eri was a tiny one year old.

Dee, I have done some of my best art works listening to Neil Young.

Greg

[ericasmom]

Greg, that makes me smile. I love that your creativity is heightened by the man who I also write along with and draw. I wrote Neil YOung a letter after ERi died but never sent it, it is in the tablet that I was drawing in at that time in my life, so maybe I will pull it out and send it to him. Perhaps it will make him smile to know of how he made Eri smile, and how people like you and me put his music on to fill our souls while we create what is in them. Thanks so much for sharing, and do feel free please, to treat us with more of your paintings.

Susannah, I am glad that you are feeling more serene. It was a few months, not too many more than maybe 2, that I received a sense of Erica's peace through the top of my head while walking in the forest. I stopped and looked up because it felt so physical at first, and it drained into me, all of me, and especially into my spirit letting me know that Erica felt this golden peace, that there were no worries for her. That day marked a turn in my ability to move forward.

As far as being connected to those things that live all around us? I have talked to trees and birds and the Earth for a long long time, since I was little. IT is good to lay your hands on the sides of trees and let them feel your heart beat as you feel theirs. WE are all part of one another. There is a huge old tree a block or two away and each time I pass her, I lay my hand on her gently to say hi, to feel her energy.

Betty, what a gorgeous photo of you and Stephen, so dear that day of coming home with a Child. What do we do? What if we do it wrong? What if I don't know what his cry means? The vulnerability of two creatures that have unconditional love for one another. And through those first weeks you grow with him, he with you, inseperable entities, where does one leave off to the other? Still inseperable, never letting go of love keeps us forever tied. He still looks at you with those soulful eyes, and he smiles and says thank you Momma, you did take such good care of me.

May Thursday somehow hold more beauty than loss, I will be with you in my heart.

Lorri, I am sorry that you are feeling alone with matters right now. Kimmy might have a very hard time during the big dates for her Sister, unsure of what role she now has without her Sis. As Trudi said, we all grieve differently. Siblings have a whole other adjustment to make, do they have a sister or not, do they feel jealous of this Person who no longer is here, do they feel in the shadow, or unable to please their family? So many things our Babies experience going through this grief thing, not to mention the recent events of her own personal life. I hope that she will be able to spend some time with you soon. As far as Kourt's friends, that is a tough one. I wish you enough Lorri, enough of all things that help put this world on the correct rotation for you. Loving you kiddo.

love,

dee

[mikesmum]

[user=22626]hotrod[/user] wrote:

 I am having a hard time this week because it will be Stephen's birthday on Thursday. This is  my 3rd Birthday without him.  I am a very private person and will not share my pain with others (Not that they remember or want to participate)  I will spend it alone, lighting candles, releasing balloons and going thru old photos.   In preparation for that I took out the albums last night and came across a picture of Stephen and myself the day he came home from the hospital.  He weighted 4 lbs 5 oz .  Looking at the pictures brought tears to my eyes  His trusting little  eyes staring right into mine  and little hand reaching out to mine!! So very trusting I could I not save him no matter how hard I tried.

I have attached the picture

 

Pam, Rosie, Beth, Maryann, Kim. Claudia, Betsy, Sonya, Sherry and all Indigos have a safe day

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)  

. 

Betty - I remember those feelings.  Mike was born on a  crisp sunny day in a country hospital. June being our winter.  I was 19.  Thankfully he weighed 8lb 10oz, 4lb would have been scary

I sat on my bed with him, his eyes fixed on me.  I felt then as I guess I do now, inadequate in the role of his mum.  I remember just talking to him...explaining that while I wasn't sure how, we would work this mum baby thing out together....

I hope the weather is good for you on Thursday, your private day with Stephen and your memories.

I wonder sometimes if the family and friends actually 'forget' or the reason is as simple as not wanting to relive the sadness. 

No one mentioned Mike on Sunday. I watched as Steven showed his family around his 'new home'.  He was so proud.  I noticed the pictures he has displayed - he hasn't forgotten his brother.

Dee - I went to my psych for a teak.  He truly gets it, always has.  He understands the 'everything is going to heck in a handbasket' mentality.  He tunes my intelligent brain when its taken a beating from my emotional brain... Gives me the energy to get up and move.  Hope you hug a few trees soon as the snow clears.  I will talk to the ocean this week....

Colleen - You are so right.   There are so many things that we would have been devastated by before our kids died....now they seem insignificant....

Out to walk the Muttley pup....sunshine with a nip in the air.....Summer leaving...Autumn coming thru.... 

[daveydow1]

Betty----The pic with you holding Stephen as a newborn is so nice. These

photos certainly are part of a 'treasure chest of memories' , aren't they?

Trudi----Great pics. Thanks also for you kind words about my grandies. Yep,

grandies are great....they have a certain way of keeping us going, and on

our toes. I know what you mean about the bittersweet occurence of a younger

sibling "passing up" in age, the child who is no longer with us. My daughter

turned 32 in Jan.......passing up Davey's forever age 31.  The dog in the pic....

he looks so much like my daughter's dog, Buster, except your dog is darker in

color. Same head, ears, and  expression. What is his breed?  About siblings

remembering the one who passed......my older son has a little stand with photo,

candles, and Bible verses and picture of angels above, as a little memorial to

Davey.  My daughters have nothing...no pictures or anything showing in their

 homes, and never mention Davey at all. It does hurt. I guess they are dealing

with the loss the best they can. My younger daughter was never close to Dave,

(being 6 yr. younger), and at times was quite unkind to him with smart remarks etc.

I never say anything to her about it,---don't want to cause anymore hurt in the

family. It's nice  Steven has some momentoes of Mike, in his new home, that are

 visible to all.

Leah----So good to hear you are recovering well from getting the tooth out.

Dee----That is so nice that ERi's friend is planning a show to honor ERi. That

would make a mom feel so good, and cry at the same time. As I said,.....no one

remembers Davey  (I feel).  It seems he has been just forgotten and part of the

past , except for me, his dad, and older bro. It is so kind of ERi's friend to think

of her and want to honor her in this way.

Susannah----Glad that you got some insight about your dreams. Yes, they do

seem so real, and often confusing.

                 Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

      

[ericasmom]

TRUDI WROTE;

I wonder sometimes if the family and friends actually 'forget' or the reason is as simple as not wanting to relive the sadness.

I think that you are right Trud, I think that some won't acknowledge to protect themselves from going back in time to a place they have yet to face fully, or resolve in some managable way. I think that others don't go there because they simply do not know how to be around us when we are acknowledging our Babies, even if they are siblings,or cousins,  they don't like to be around us because it makes them sad, or they feel they will say something that makes us sad. A discomfort in the room and that has everything to do with the lack of discussion about death. We don't teach folks at young ages or any ages, what to expect when someone dies. The early school years talks about when a pet dies, there are some books like, Saying Goodbye to Grandma, and Uncle Tim is Sick. These, along with some others I have in my classroom collection, are very good, but do we talk about it? Well I do of course, and the kids do not have a hard time talking about death, they ask questions, they think about the answers inside of them, knowing that there are many ways to deal with death. There are groups here in the states called, Rainbows, and I know that I have talked about that before. Most school districts around here have Rainbows which is a program that invites children who have suffered a loss either through death or divorce, to discuss and learn together what might be going on in their hearts, their minds when they are working through these harder times.

We need to educate people, to not steer around death in order to dodge an uncomfortable moment, but to lift ones eyes and look us in the face, see the tears down our cheeks adn know that tears are not going to destroy anyone, they are our constant accessory, they are a means to our smiles and laughter, listen to our rememberings, join in and give us your memories too. Let the thorny issues surrounding our grief not frighten folks/ wouldn't that be nice?

I say all of this knowing that Jonathan is one that gets very uncomfortable in his own and others greif, but I am praying that one day, he will be able to let his tears fall openly when they come, and that he can look at folks with his tears and know that he will be okay.

A glimmer of blue  shining through the dark gray clouds, a slice of sunlight too, how pretty. Hello sky, Hi Eribluesky.

Trudi, go speak to the ocean, say hi for me, I will say hi to the tree tops for you.

[ericasmom]

a song that I have been liking lately on the radio, by The Monsters of Folk, called, Dear God,

[summergirl]

Amy - It really made me smile when you said that Tavian"s perception of his mommy and other Angels brought you out of the darkness for a little while. Children have a way of doing that. I believe Tavian was born for a reason, that God knew he was taking my Jessica and and so along came Tavian to be Jessica's for a short 4 years and then on to Barry and I. I am not sure I would have survived the loss of Jess if not for Tavian...I believe this to be true no matter what other's believe.  Jessica was a party girl too, she calmed down after Tavian was born but on the nights that Barry and I would take him I would say to her "go have fun like you are not a mommy, Tavian is in safe hands with dad and I" - she would always laugh and hug me. How I miss so many things about her.....

Trudi - I am sorry that Charley had to go home, I am sure you will miss the big one as much as Muttley will.  It is hard to believe when you said "summer on the way out and fall coming in"  - wasn't it just yesterday that you were saying summer was coming in !!!    I love the pics - you look wonderful. That grandie of yours is a great photographer.    Love that you talk to the ocean....please have a chat for me.

Dee - tears come when a friend of our child does something special in rememberance.  I am so happy for you and glad that she is choosing to do it around Eri's b'day....special friends indeed. I am so happy that your son is appriciating the beauty of this earth and enjoying himself...yes you will worry, always worry. How true it is that things that we thought were so terrible before we lost our child are now just a grain of sand, so very small.  

Lorrie - I went through that with Jessica's friends too on her 2nd angelversary...I went to her facebook page and not many had posted and I was so upset. I talked to some of them later and they said it was just to hard for them to even look at her page....I came to realize that they hurt in their way also. I am sorry that your Kim has not come around but I am sure it is not because she doesn't want to and I am pretty sure she will show up and smile at you.   Stay strong my friend, stay strong.  

Two of Jessica's friends want to do a fund raiser for Jessica this summer, they have mentioned doing a walk/run-a-thon and then back to my house for a BBQ.....the money will go towards what ever I want it to....I have talked about this before and do you believe that I still do not know what to do...most people I have talked to have mentioned a scholarship for a senior in need but there are so many out there now....I was thinking of doing something for the Indigo's..not sure what but I would love some idea's from everyone. You can PM me if you want but I do not mind an open discussion.

Susannah - glad you got your dreams straightened out...they can be very scarey. I had a dream about my son...I was walking down the street with a bunch of people all around me and there was my son and I kept walking to avoid him...suddenly someone in the crowd said "stay away from that boy he is bad news" and I turned and ran to him, he was sitting on the ground crying and I covered him with my body to protect him from the people and kept saying "this is my son, this is my son".  When I woke I was crying and needless to say no more sleep that night.    I do not believe you are crazy and even if you were I would love you anyways!!!!

Tavian, Barry and I played cards tonight...Slap Jack...he laughed so hard it made Barry and I laugh....Pop-Pop won but Tavian said it was because Pop-Pop has bigger hands and can slap faster.....It was so enjoyable just hanging playing cards together and laughing.....been a while since my heart felt light like that.

To all Indigo's - thinking of all of you as always...Sweet dreams and restful sleep. Kathy  

My sweet Jessica....spring will be here soon and then summer..I shall see you at the beach, in the sunshine, in the breeze...each time I see a butterfly I will know that you are home for a visit..I love you my girl and miss you with an ache that never eases..your mom always, my girl forever....

[briansdad]

Here is a picture of a beautiful young girl who lost her life on the same road Brian did.Her name.... Brianna

[mikesmum]

Too close in so many ways.......

[lolynbo]

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL ANGEL...BRIANNA BRIANNA BRIANNA

[Guest]

Kathy - I cried when I read your dream, "This is my son.  This is my son."  Trying to cover and protect him.  My dear friend, I so understand your longing to protect him. 

Another angel.  Brianna. 

That pisses me off!  There has to be a why!!! 

I'll be spiritual again tomorrow.

I went to a grief support group tonight.  I learned a new phrase, "Sweet sadness."  That's where I thought I was until I read about another tragic death.  Now I'm just mad! 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

About siblings.  All three of Stephanie's siblings have reacted differently.  It hasn't been quite that long, so we still talk about her frequently.  My son had Stephanie's face, name and dates tatoo'd on his arm.  He also is the one who put the cross up at her crash site, but he has been unable to visit it since that day.  He finally did get on antidepressants because he wasn't dealing with her death well.  He's 25.  My oldest daughter visits the crash site on her own.  She has also been able to express her anger towards Stephanie for dying quite freely (hard for me to listen to, but ... ) She's 30.  My youngest daughter and Stephanie were best friends.  It hit her the hardest out of the kids, but she is probably dealing with it the best, too.

It hit me tonight that I can see Stephanie in Mariah and Jonathon's faces and watch her in Jasmine's personality.  She will live on through them.  I sure hope we don't have to walk the same path with them as we did with Stephanie.  I'm not sure I could do that again (the drugs).

Love you all.  Sorry I got mad.  It's just so sad and seems so senseless. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aim630]

A friend of mine on Facebook posted a link to a prayer group for a beautiful little 7 yr old girl, Evie. She had cancer, and was supposed to leave today for her Make-A-Wish trip to Disneyworld. She passed away last night. My heart is breaking for that family.

I also have to ask WHY????

We were going to plan a trip to see my cousins at the beach in SC when Ashley got well. Now my entire family is planning to rent a huge house in June. They don't understand why I don't feel up to going. That was supposed to be Ashley's trip. They all drink a lot, and some of them didn't even really know Ashley, so of course they are not grieving like I am. It will only be 4 months at that point. Maybe next year I'll be able to go. Now they are all upset with me. My younger daughter is upset because she wants to go, but no one understands. My mom actually said I better not be acting like this in 8 months. How can anyone tell me how I should or should not be acting? I think I'm holding up pretty well, but I am definitely not up to a beach party.

Thanks to everyone for listening. Maybe someday I'll be able to offer some good advice. Just trying to get through each day right now.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest]

"God bless the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid"

"God put your arm around my shoulder and keep your hand over my mouth"

"God, you and I need to have another talk"

I'm gonna go hug a tree. (Or smoke a cigarette)

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

Its the why that takes your mind off the life lived.

These are pics Steven has in his home on his mantle.  Don't need him to say anything...I look into his eyes and I know he gets it.

October 06.  There are about 5 family birthdays so we all get together for one celebration...

Love this.  I cropped it for Mikes service...wanted it to be about 'brothers' not doodles!

To all still under the blanket of winter....may the sunshine find you tomorrow and warm your soul......Peace out....

 

[Guest]

Thanks Trudi!  Love the pictures Steven has on his mantle.  "Sweet sadness".

I'm sure our children aren't dying faster since Stephanie died.  It's that I notice it, now.  That makes me ashamed.  Before I would give the news a heartfelt "That's too bad", but now I know what those parents are really going through and I hate that anyone has to go through this. 

Rosie - thinking of you. 

Beth - I wish you would just give a "nod" to let us know you're okay.  Or not.

I'm better, now.  Just had to have a little tantrum.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Doodles? you Aussies have some kick-ass words Trudi. I love that you say that why diminishes the life of that person, the life lived.

I agree, since why cannot be answered by us in this time frame, we must wait. Until then, I do believe it is HOW. How do we proceed? I think that Steven knows that no matter his age, he will always have a big Bro, and the photos around the house will serve to remind him of the love in his life.

Greg, Brinana is a lovely young lady, when did she get killed? I think that Brian probably lifted her hand and led her to the stars.

Kathy, glad that you had a fun night with Tav and Barry. Glad too, that the laughter felt like a balm to your spirit.

Susannah, yes, anger that another is gone, and how sad for yet another family, and another...

Amy or Ami- I sure don't understand how people think that htey can determine what might be best for you and the time frame in which this should happen. I think that your family thought they might be doing something good for your family, and if you are up for it, it might feel just great, but if you are not, then it will not. Nobody can determine this except you, and boy, that first andsecond year, I played everything by ear. If I felt like doing something, I ddi not plan it, I just did it then or not at all. I could not plan things for fear that I would spend money or make promises that I would not or might not be able to keep. I needed to keep it real loose until I felt like I could plan again. I sure do understand not wanting to be around folks that drink a bit more than you want to be around. You might need to have a little talk with your Mom too, why does she think in 8 months you would be feeling much differently than you do now. You might be, but why is she using a time frame? You might need to gently tell her that nobody gets to tell you when you should be doing 'better' than you are, since getting out of bed and putting clothing on as well as taking care of your Daughter are more than most folks can do when they lose a child. Let them know in writing if that is easier for you, to let these people know that you will need to have un-chartered time in this new world, to find ways to live again, to even begin to heal. That you would very much appreciate their support but that it has to be without time frames.

Good luck Dear,

Dee

[ericasmom]

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Greg, Brinana is a lovely young lady, when did she get killed? I think that Brian probably lifted her hand and led her to the stars.

Dee,

Yesterday was her angel date.I'm making buttons for her mom who I'll see this thursday at my BP group.

It looks like my friend Cindy and Me will be taking over the St Louis group of Bereaved Parents.It's a big job hope we can handle it.

Peace out.

Greg

[Guest]

Good morning Indigo's,

Greg - how large is the membership in St Louis (BP)?  It will be a hard task, but it couldn't be in better hands.

Amy - I have a thought.  One of those thoughts that is absolutely none of my business, but I'm going to share it or ask it.  I wonder if your mom is in denial herself.  I just can't imagine losing one of my grandchildren.  Maybe your ability to grieve will actually show your mother how.  I don't know.

I wish you all a blessed day.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 [user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Doodles? you Aussies have some kick-ass words Trudi. I love that you say that why diminishes the life of that person, the life lived.

I agree, since why cannot be answered by us in this time frame, we must wait. Until then, I do believe it is HOW. How do we proceed? I think that Steven knows that no matter his age, he will always have a big Bro, and the photos around the house will serve to remind him of the love in his life.

"I loved the above thoughts.  Trudie the picture of Steven and his big brother was priceless.  It is wonderful that Steven has succeeded in purchasing his  house and has a special  place dedicated to his brother.  You are right you can see his "missing" in his eyes.  Stephe was so happy to purchase his house and he had a spceial table set aside for "Dad".  Each time I saw that area I cried.  

"Sherry you are so right everyone in the family grieves in there own way and it is wise not to make an issue out of what we preceive to be someone not grieving.

"  Yesterday I received a card from my sister , with a picture of Stephen included. She expressed her loss and I was amazed.  For years nothing!!! I am glad I just left them all alone and did my own thing,

Kathy  Your dream about your son was very powerful.  Praying for your peace.

"Dee Loved the Song "Dear God"  Thanks

"Susannah I too have a much greater connection to nature than I had before.  I am also much more compassionate to everyone I meet.  I do believe that I was too involved in all sort of "other stuff" to realize what was important.  I am glad you have reached "Sweet Sorrrow" I have not gotten there yet.  "Bitter Sweet" is as close as I can get.:?

"Greg  Good luck in your new position  You will be a Great Asset to BP

"Leah, Beth, Betsy, Colleen, Sonya, Mary Ann, , Bonnie,  Dan, Kim, Deneance, Pam, Rosie and Carol and all Indigos holding you in my  thoughts.

"Betty

"Stephen'smom:) 

[L074003]

Out of the mouths of babes, my granddaughter is 2 1/2 and last night I was cooking dinner and she was in the living room playing with her babies when she shouted "Come out, Come out wherever you are Matt" then she ran into the kitchen and told me to go find him!  Matthew died 6.5 years ago where did she come up with this? We do talk about him at home and we have pictures of him around.  Anyway I just cried and told her I wish I could find him too.

Matthew's Mama Mary

[ericasmom]

I just read a wonderful intrview with this wonderful poet from Narrative magazine, online. My students are taking ISAT tests, standardized tests that all Illinois kids have to take (public school anyhow) two each day this week, so it was perfectly quiet and I was able to indulge in poetry. so this poem really reminds me of what we all go through in grief, in this, he is grieving his Lover/Wife, and he lives in New Hampshire Carol, loves the Boston Red Sox.

Distressed Haiku

In a week or ten days

the snow and ice

will melt from Cemetery Road.

I'm coming! Don't move!

Once again it is April.

Today is the day

we would have been married

twenty-six years.

I finished with April

halfway through March.

You think that their

dying is the worst

thing that could happen.

Then they stay dead.

Will Hall ever write

lines that do anything

but whine and complain?

In April the blue

mountain revises

from white to green.

The Boston Red Sox win

a hundred straight games.

The mouse rips

the throat of the lion

and the dead return.

[hotrod]

Dear Dee 

Thank You so much for the poem.  I am in a reflective mood these days and the poem touched my being.

Someone sent me the video "Precious Child  It was written to express the feelings at the  loss of a daughter but I believe it is applicable to all our Angels. 

The words and the pictures are beautiful  I hope you all enjoy.

- Precious Child - For my daughter

I am sorry I think you have to copy and paste to get to the site,

Betty

Stephen'smom

[Guest]

I am attempting to go through Stephanie's things this morning.  A few boxes.  That was all the material goods she had.  Full of job applications, application for food stamps, child support in arears warnings, pictures of her kids, stuffed animals and a few odds and ends.  It's more difficult than I anticipated. 

Deep breaths.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Mary, how wonderful that your little Grandgirl was playing with Matt, he lets you know doesn't he, that still, this many years later does not change anything, he is always with you, and you with him. HOw very spiritually uplifting this story is to my heart.

Hey Matt, kiss Eri for me, you guys entered your new home, your forever home at the same time.

Sus, it is hard to look through the tangible items that live in a box that represent the life of a Daughter or a Son. It is quite an emotional endeavor so take it slow or put it away if it feels like too much.

a good day to you All,

dee

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all my BI family, I just wanted you to know I am doing much better.  I guess it will just be a bad memory..

I am still reading you all, and feel inadequate at this time to post.  I am waiting to get thorugh the week.  JaBoa's mom has her surgery on friday.  I am so afraid.  Any more I don't know what to do.. Pray..? does it work.. have good thoughts?.. does it do any good...  From past postings I get to feeling even though I ask God to spare her... he will do what he wants anymore, and I don't know what to expect.. I know that it seems the new thing to say is enough.. but I am questioning what is enough..

I am sorry.. I probably shouldn't say that.. but it how I am feeling

 Back to being stuck in time.. and all I can do is wait.. and to be honest, I am the worlds worst person to play the waiting game.

I love you all and hope.. pray or wish enough to you  to get by

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[hotsauce]

to everyone here at BI

just stopping by to say hello and hope everyone is doing well.

love all the new pictures and all your thoughts, i just don't have much to say.

 

love and hugs to all

 

missing my BRIAN, 10 months yesterday..............

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[mikesmum]

You think that their

dying is the worst

thing that could happen.

Then they stay dead.

Dee - yes the words reflect so much......

Mary - They are so innocent and in away accepting.  Wish Mike would just jump out from somewhere "PEEK A BOO GOTCHA" words I long to hear. 

Greg - The insight and strength you show here tells me you should handle St Louis just fine...

Leah - I go with the positive thoughts/prayers.  The nervous dont let anything happen seems to be a little negative.  Hope the surgery goes well.  How is the tooth healing??

The under current of 'aren't you over that yet' rises once again and my tolerance leaves me.  I know they don't get it, they haven't lived it.  I just wish they would apply the variable rule "she lost her son". 

Lunch today with Mal's parents.  Their birthdays are only days apart. Both will be 82 this year.  They struggle with having a son who is almost 60......what I would give to have that as my daily dilema.

Trudi

[daveydow1]

MaryAnn---Good to see Brian's handsome face. Be kind to yourself, friend.....

10 months is such a short time in the greiving process. Let good memories

of Brian warm your heart & soul.  Peace to you.

Trudi----Thanks for the pic of Mike & Steven----so sweet, those little arms

and chests. It's so nice Steven displays pics of himself & big brother Mike

together.

Amy----So sorry about the child that died of cancer.....Bless her little white soul.

I so understand your not wanting to go on vacation with the friends. No doubt,

they would be there to celibrate vacacation time/beach/etc. and to 'live it up'.

It may be too much for you, and only you can decide whether to take it on or

not. Many times, it is hard to be around a lot of hilarity and high spirits when

you feel sad.  Just try to take baby steps on this road, and don't let others tell

you how you should be doing 'better'.  So hard to listen to that stuff----'get over

it'......'move on' etc.  That is THEIR timeline.....not yours. If push comes to shove,

I think I would tell people to just leave you alone so you can grieve in your own

time.  (Just MY inclination.....you have to do what's best for you, friend) 

Betty----I looked at the UTube video of 'Precious Child'. So very touching. We can

all remember our angels with little feet like that. (I didn't have to cut & paste to

get the video----Good thing....I don't know how to do that anyhow )  After

Davey's death, I more or less keep to myself, and do my own thing too. Seems

easier that way, and I don't feel like I'm a burden on anyone else with my sorrow,

and 'down' days when they come along. Many people who have lost a child say

that they have lost friends. I have fewer people around me anymore, and I seem

to be ok with it the way it is. That's just ME. Friends can be a great source of

support, though, if one is lucky enough to have some that understand.

Mary----The sweet little granddaughter felt Matthew's spirit, and was playing a

delightful game. Bless her baby's heart.

                     Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry   

[Guest]

Hello Everyone,

Hide and go seek with Matthew.  How precious!  If only we could see what children see.

I found some pictures of Stephanie.  Her newborn baby picture and a couple more.  Somewhere in the garage are all the pictures of my children throughout the years.  They were stuffed in there when Gary and I got married. 

Going through some of her things was difficult, but okay.  "Sweet sadness".  I mustn't allow my thoughts to focus on what she didn't have.  Drugs destroy so much!

I passed a bad accident on the freeway today.  For a moment I allowed my mind to drift. 

It can be difficult to focus on the positive when it seems there is so much sorrow and death around us. 

Mary, Mary Ann, Sherry, Dee, Trudi, Greg, Dan, Leah, Beth, Lorri, Lynn, Deneace, Carol, Colleen, Amy, Rosie, Terri, Amanda, And all of you Indigo's....may you feel a moment's peace this evening.

Much love!!!!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Hello to all - well it finally happened, went to work this morning and had a total meltdown in front of my co-workers....they were wonderful but did not know what to do as I was such a mess. There is a social worker in my building so one of them took me to her and I sat down and just sobbed out everything I was feeling about Jessica, my son, my fears of not being a good mother/mi-mi, the anger....everything came out....she was wonderful to me, talked quietly, listened and then told me that she has a younger brother who is addicted to drugs so she understands to a point of what I am feeling....she gave me the number to a place where she said the people are wonderful and they specialize in helping parents to understand their child's addiction.  I am going to call them tomorrow (the other one I was going to go to cancelled).  I have been back to work for a long time, five weeks after Jessica left us and I have never had a meltdown at work like I did today....I think it has been a long time coming and part of me is relieved and the other is so exhausted.

Greg - glad to hear the BP is in your hands, none better.

Dee - love the poem.

Leah - praying for you

Trudi - love, love the pics...."about brothers not doodeling"

To all other indigo's I send my love, my prayers and wishes for sweet sunshine.

Need to spend a little time with Tavian so will talk soon. Kathy

[ericasmom]

just lost a longish post, so I will only say that Mary Ann, hang tight, Brian will want you to be kind to yoruself as you face yet another month marker and the ultimate one year mark soon. He would probably want you to know how proud he is of you, the ways you took care of him, the ways you devoted your life to is cause, and now the ways you are finding your way through this heavy grief. He is proud to call you His Mom.

Kath, a meltdown is sometimes the best thing you can allow in your world, to let it out so that you can rebuild the spirit that has been so stepped on. Follow through withthat phone number as I think it is a great next step.

Betty, thank you for the song, the video, it was powerful adn heart wrenching and wonderfully done. How is your friend doing these days?

Sherry have you gone on the website; Journey North? It shows migrating animals andthought you might enjoy it.

Greg, what a great thing for you to take on, and while it might seem too big, I think that you will do it justice and it will also help you in the same moments.  Who better?

Glad you guys liked that poem, I thought the same line as Trudi was the best...Some people get it don't they?

Love to all,

peaceful thinking,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy: I am so glad that your coworkers were kind to you and that you wound up with the compassionate social worker...yes, it was bound to come, and sometimes it does indeed feel better after it has come...we hold it off for so long.  Thoughts are with you tonight as your heart marks off another milestone in your healing process.

Dee:  I really like the poem, and though the line about the Red Sox winning 100 games in a row was right up there, I do agree with you and Trudi, that the lines she quoted struck me the deepest.  Thank you for sharing.   The song "Dear God"...thanks for sharing that, also. 

Betty:  thank you for "Precious Child."  And, it is okay to be at "Bitter Sweet" for as long as you need to be...we are there with you.  Loved the picture of Stephen as such a tiny baby---his long legs were a predictor of the future Stephen, weren't they...he looks very tall in his later pictures.  He is looking at you with the love of a child for its mother...knowing you would take care of him and love him, and you did, Betty, you did.   Mike was 10 lb 11 1/2 oz, and could barely fit into his "going home" outfit, which he never could fit into after that day. 

Mary ann:  I am glad that you are hanging in there, but please don't ever feel that you are not putting something into BI---signing on and showing your Brian's smile is a contribution in itself.  Take care. 

Greg:  taking on the BP chapter...good luck...they couldn't be in better hands.  Brian is holding you high, proud and smiling. 

Betty, thank you for the song, the video, it was powerful adn heart wrenching and wonderfully done. How is your friend doing these days?

Sherry:  Good to see Davey's smiling face, also.  Spring is getting closer, and so is your move to the country...wish I could be there to help.

Mary:  I have often heard that children see what we don't, and had my grandson, Jamie, prove it over and over, since he was less than a year old.  He would just stop whatever he was doing, be it playing or just sitting there, still, and look up at the ceiling, or across the room, and the engagement that came across his face and in his eyes was just incredible.   Your sweet granddaughter, seeking out"Matt" is such a sweet moment for you to hold close.

Susannah:  We kept putting off going through Mike's things.  Sarah came and got some of the things that she had brought here for him, (he was living with us for the last two months and she had brought many of his "familiar" things here to comfort him).  That Christmas, she had three sets made of all the pics she had of Mike and her and the boys and did a memory album for each of the boys...about 100-125 pics in each book.  Then she made a "treasure box" of things for each boy, placing in the boxes things that their dad treasured---pics of the boys with him, cards they had sent him and he'd kept, tickets from concerts he'd been to, notes he'd written, one of his hats for each of them, some of his "young boy" toys, i.e., Star Wars figures, etc.  The rest she put in a few storage tubs and brought them to our basement to store, as she couldn't go through them yet.  They are now here in the new house, in the spare room.  I've mentioned them a couple of times and she just shakes her head, "I can't," she whispers.  So, they stay there.  There are days when I can look at and hold something that was his, and days when I can't even think about it.  Time, Sus, time.

Lorri:  I know this past week has been tough on you...hang in there, we are holding you close. 

Amy:  Thinking of you, and please know that you don't need to contribute anything right now...we are here for you, and you are here for us...you offer us the gift of giving. Please share your sweet Ashley when you can. 

Trudi:  Are you all packed for your journey across the continent?  I know that you will enjoy it, and all who you meet will enjoy you!  Will you be using your new lap top on the trip?  Loved the pic of all three of your beautiful kids, and of course, the pic of the sweet innocence of those beautiful little boys...

Earlier this evening, the phone rang, and it was Sarah, asking if we could take her mom to a doctor's appt for her surgery prep.  Sarah had just pulled into her driveway when she called and had had the radio on.  When she turned the car off and opened the door, of course, the radio stopped.  I heard Damon in the background: "No, mommy, we have to finish listening to this song...you can't turn off the radio until we do."  It was "Island in the Sun," by Weezer,  Mike and Sarah's wedding song and "their song" forever after.  I told Sarah that I was glad that she and Damon had special "company" on their way home tonight.  As she hung up, I heard her tell Damon, "Yes, we will finish the song, Damon."  I could "hear" Damon smiling...was his daddy holding his hand? 

I wish all a good evening/morning and a good Wednesday.

Beth...I hope you are doing okay.

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

insomnia...working on report cards as sleep evades my abilities.

love to all,

dee

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

Just a note to say hello. 

Not much going on.  Reading 90 minutes in heaven.  Only half way through.

Sunny today.

Smile-On

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lostwoher]

 Morning Indigos. Be well.

Lynn