Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Good Morning  Indigos,

 

Colleen I am glad it is a sunny day in your town.    Here in NYC is cloudy and overcast.  I have an appointment with my Tax man in a an hour  so I guess that is not helping with seeing the world as gray.  I was  bad this year and only sent estimated taxes for the first quarter and then just ignored the rest of the year.  Now it is time to catch up.

 

Lynn So good to see Kyla when I woke up this AM 

 

Dee I do hope your were able to get back to sleep and that your little students work quietly today so that you can recover. I  hate those nights when insomnia hits. Thanks for the warmth and wisdom you share with all of us.

 

Carol, speaking of warmth  Thank you for the beautiful manner in which you responded to my missing Stephen.  It touched my spirit .    I loved reading how you were warmed by the vision of your "Hearing" Damon "Smiling" as he listened to his mom and dad's favorite music and held his Dad's hand.    How special.  Children have such a direct connection to the spiritual.

 

Sherry I agree it is better to stay with fewer friends than to be upset by the people who do not get it.

I am glad you choose BI as a place to share your journey and you love.

 

Trudie I understand about spending time with people who have unimportant issues that they are so upset over. It is hard and I think that you did good going to lunch and helping to celebrate. Yesterday I went to dinner with  a friend who is childless and unmarried .  I never mentioned my loss or Stephen however she continued to urge me "To take a trip" to one of my favorite countries because that would make me feel better. No doubt  I am no longer the person she remembers.  I did not engage in trying to explain, I just let it go and made a mental note to cross off dinners with her.

 

Leah  I am praying for you and your daughter.  I do believe prayer calms me down and that if I pray I am better able to handle any situation no matter what is the outcome. 

 

Kathy Please take care of yourself  I am praying for your peace

 

Susannah I hope you took it easy yesterday.  I know going thru your angels items is very hard. 

 

Mary Ann Glad to see Brian when I sign on  10 months is a long time to be missing your angel.

 

Betsy, Beth , Bonnie, Marcia I hope you guys are OK.  I miss seeing Zachy, Rich, Jason and Bethany  these days.

 

I must run  so I wish all Indigos a Blessed Day and pray you have Enough

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:?  

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS BROOKE (KODYS GF)...SAID KOURTNEY CAME TO HER IN A DREAM AND SAID...

"TELL EVERYONE TO LOOK FOR ME IN SOMETHING THAT FLIES"...

AH SO NOW WAS IT A MEQUITO????...IDK....BROOKE SAID IT WAS A REALLY NICE DREAM...EITHER WAY

[ericasmom]

Lorri,

I thought that the tinkerbell in that photo you posted last week and again today, was a lighted decoration from Kourtney's site. I can't believe it that this is a happenstance, I think that Kourt certainly let you see her in this electric moment. WOW! She is right there Lor, right there captured so that you can let your heart feel more peaceful.

I am so happy,

dee

[L074003]

Again, yesterday my daughter was talking to Sophia about playing hide and seek with Matthew and she asked Sophia if she plays with Matthew much and Sophia told her mommy that he is her best friend he even plays baby with her!  She has constant problems with ear infections has had tubes 3 times and she says Matthew tells her to take her medicine for Mommy and Mema that big girls do that. I had been praying for a sign and I think I just might have gotten in I know my being in such a funk has been lighter this last couple of days.

My heart is with all of you. 

Matthew's Mama Mary

[L074003]

Lorrie, Unbelievable!  This is amazing, such a gift.

[lolynbo]

YOU NO ME WITH THE SCANNER JUST SCANNED..THIS ONE...THIS IS OUR ONLY FAMILY CRUISE WE TOOK SEPT 06'..KOURTNEY HAD JUST MET BRENT AND WAS TOTOALLY IN LOVE...THEY GOT MARRIED 6 MONTHS AFTER THEY MET...I GUESS TIME WAS IMPORTANT..(AND SHORT)

YES WE ALL LOOK FUNNY...THEY RUN YOU IN LIKE CATTLE...AND SNAP AWAY...

[daveydow1]

Carol----Thanks friend. The moving will be held up a bit, no doubt. The guy

doing the upgrades in kitchen & bath cut his hand (while at his own home),

so is not able to get back to the job right away. However, it is STILL WINTER

 so does not matter too much right now.

Betty----Yes, I believe that people (who haven't lost a child) think that mostly

all it takes to get us to 'move on', is to be upbeat and positive and to try to

engage us in lots of activities, travel, etc........like that's going to fix everything.

I guess it's because they don't ( and can't) possibly feel the way we do about

our loss/sorrow because they are not in our shoes. I, too, have cut back on a

lot of social outings for that reason. I know that this is only how I feel---I am not

trying to speak for anyone else. Cutting back exposure to people that want to

'fix' me, works for me. That does not mean that I sit and stare at 4 walls or

become immersed in sadness-----I am out and about a lot.  I guess you know

what I mean. Peace to you, friend.

Lorrie----Absolutely amazing pic......magical, mystical, and spiritual. A message

to you from sweet Kourtney.

              Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

                      

[mikesmum]

Sherry - Sorry the upgrades are held up with an injury, but I guess the upside is you'll be one step closer to spring when you do move.

Betty - The 'getting out' thing isn't easy.  If not for Muttley I would be in my 3rd yr of self imposed house arrest.  Mike's desire to see the world lessened with each surgery.  While the pins, plates and cages in his legs were made light of "you'll set off the metal detectors"...the pacemaker frightened him.  He and Lauren where to travel to Europe around his 25th birthday something he could bring himself to doing...

So in the spirit of living a life for my son - I travel.  My mum encouraged me to 'see the world'.  She waited till dad retired on his 60th birthday.  He had his first major heart attack the next day and died in surgery later that year.  It took her a year before she took the trip they planned.  To the US no less to IOWA, San Fran, LA.  She caught up with her nephews in Orange County, Marietta I think.

Lorri - Oh yeah I remember the 'portrait' nights on the cruise.  Cattle herding, smile, sit this way and that.  I also think the brightness of the 'tinkerbell' in you pic is Kourtney - her message to your broken heart....

Mary - Grandies see what we can't.  Jeya was only 4 weeks old when Mike died.  She spent her first Christmas cradled in his arms for most of the day.  She knows him.  She talks about him, his guitar, his face is familiar...

To all - early walking with the pup.....hot day ahead.....take care

[mikesmum]

Just a question.  Since joining this journey does anyone else find their fuse shortened?  I don't mean when some gumba doesn't think before they place their foot in their mouth.  I mean when you are frustrated or totally at your wits end with something.

Trudi

[summergirl]

Just a question.  Since joining this journey does anyone else find their fuse shortened?  I don't mean when some gumba doesn't think before they place their foot in their mouth.  I mean when you are frustrated or totally at your wits end with something.

Trudi

Oh yes my friend, the "fuse" is so very short I have had to apologize for my behavior a few times. I also find times with Tavian that I have to go into the other room and count to 10 (sometimes 100) before I come back in and deal. I have made him cry by "yelling" to loudly even though I did not think I did.   I scream on the inside as I will be in a place where I cannot "express my anger" and I am not sure why I am even so angry. I could go on and on but I pretty much think we all get the "short fuse" or at least I do.   Travel my friend, travel.  IOWA - my birthplace....love it.

Yes, the total meltdown was another step in the healing process and I am blessed to be working with the 3 wonderful women that I do.   Today was another step and a very hard one, a heartbreaker but necessary one. I sent my son 200 dollars yesterday as he was "really leaving to go back to Iowa" this time, he would call me when he got there and if he called me for more money today I was to tell him no even if he begged....well, the phone call came this morning about 9:30...however, my boss and 3 co-workers had a sit down talk about my son calling the office (he has been calling alot and is not always nice) - my boss said that if my son called the girls were going to handle it by telling him he could not call the office and if he kept calling the police would be notified, she said I needed to stop enabeling him and all agreed, that I am not doing him any good sending him money and they were all there to support me in any way they could. Well, he called, was told he could not, called again and told the same thing, called again..so the police were called and they took a report from my boss and me....he called while we were talking so the police officer spoke to him and explained he could not call, it was a warning but if he persisted they would put out a warrant for harrassment. The police officer looked at me and said "i have a family member addicted to drugs and I am going to tell you one thing, as long as you send him money and help him he will continue so you need to STOP enabeling him for him and for yourself"...so today is the first day that I did not answer his calls (he called 68 times on my cell), went to talk to my husband, talked to Grandma Bien (she has Tavian for a few days) and then I turned off my phone.  My mind is telling me I am doing the right thing but my heart is having a huge fight with my mind....I am determined though, I am calling for an appointment tomorrow and I am going to stand tall and strong and PRAY that my son finds his way.  Thank you once again for listening to me...I sometimes think I should find another site to go on to talk about my problems with my son but I do not want to share with anyone else so please bare with me my friends and pray.

Tavian was actually very excited about going to Grandma'a, he has not been there in over a month. I think keeping him home longer and then letting him go for a few days works out better for all of us. No more every other weekend, I believe he needs to be here with us and go there once a month....wow another stand strong for me !!

Yesterday I was outside in a sweatshirt cleaning the yard up from all the limbs that have fallen, plus I needed to keep busy after my meltdown)...today it was in the low 30"s and rain/snow mix all day....what is up with the weather...I am with Greg and would just about pay to see a warm, sunny day....

Lorrie - I LOVE THE PIC..KOURTNEY IS LETTING YOU KNOW SHE IS HERE.  I also love the cruise pic - you all look so happy...great memories and we need to be thankful for every single one we have....

All indigo's...as always thinking of you all, reading all posts and just trying to get through the days and mostly sleepless nights...but I am thankful for all of you.

Today I am thankful for strength - just when I think I am so very weak I find the strength to move one more step forward...thank you God and all our Angels for I know that you are among us.

Sweet Jess my girl...how I need you right here, right now...love you more.

[summergirl]

My brother Billy and his son Micheal (4 years old) the year he passed away..just 40 years old. I miss you little brother...

[summergirl]

Me and Tavian - just a few hours old......

[summergirl]

Mommy and Tavian on his 4th b'day....just 7 days before she left us. The last pics of have of her..

[Guest]

Trudi - I think it's too soon to judge for me, but Gary said my temper is actually softer since Stephanie died.  He might be afraid to tell me the truth.  I have scared my grandchildren when I've yelled at them, so I'm trying real hard to keep calm.  I go outside and smoke a lot...they call it "Grandma's timeout". 

Kathy - My son was 19. He had been in trouble with the law and drugs since he was 16. He got into trouble with drugs again and was put on probation.  He left the state (which he was not supposed to do).  Several crisis later, phone calls later, he came home.  He called me from the buss stop hungry and scared.  I met him at a club we belonged to.  I called them before I got there and asked them to fix my son anything he wanted to eat.  When I got there I paid for his meal and then sat with my son.  "What are your plans?"  I asked him.   He said, "I'm not going back to jail."

I looked at him and said "Don't contact me again until you're clean and sober and your legal problems are taken care of".  And, I got up and walked out.  Obviously, he was devastated.  I just kept walking.

One by one his other families began telling him the same thing.  He would camp out on their couch or floor, get drunk...steal from them or take advantage in some way...often causing a huge fight.

His youngest sister was the last to cave.  She couldnt' "help" him anymore.  He had no one else to turn to.  So, she actually drove him to jail and he turned himself in.

She called me sobbing because she just took her brother to jail.  I told her she probably just saved his life.

It was a hard "come back" for him.  He had some hard consequences to face.  But, he has been clean ever since.  He is now married with three children.  He is a wonderful father.  He rents from us.  He and I are very close.

You can say no. 

I love you.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aim630]

Kathy-praying for you and your son.I think you are doing the right thing although it is very hard.

Lorrie-I love that picture. I honestly thought was Tinkerbell in the picture, I had thought somehow you had photoshopped it in or something. Kourtney is telling you she loves you and not to worry about her.

Dee-That line in the poem is so true. I am having such a hard time now (shock wearing off). 3 weeks yesterday.

I miss Ashley so much. Got her ashes back today, and I know this sounds awful, but I'm afraid to look at the urn & set it up. My husband picked it up. I guess it seems more real now.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Amy, yes that old shock, our protector, sheds like so much fur, leaving the bare skin of our brokeness in the cold of the day. I am sorry for the pain you are feeling and at the same time, I am so proud of you to know that this is the start of one layer shed. You are aware of what you are going through adn I do believe that that helps. Hang on tight Sweetie, to us, to your Loved Ones, to your therapist if you have one, and know that we are here riding those waves with you.

Kath, WOW! You are really riding some huge waves and I am so glad that you have learned to arm yourself with others, a human shield, strength for the journey. It is a big long and rocky journey. Good for you to take this step. Hard as hell, but the best step you can take.

Good luck Sweetie.

dee

[lolynbo]

Just a question.  Since joining this journey does anyone else find their fuse shortened? 

JUST READING THAT I ALMOST SNAPPED..THATS HOW SHORT MY FUSE IS...I TOLD MARCIA I JUST DONT HAVE PATIENCE (SP) WITH ANYONE...AND FEEL SO ALONE...EVEN THOUGH I HAVE 2 OTHER KIDS...NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW CLOSE KOURTNEY AND I ARE/WERE....NO ONE NOT EVEN MONTY...I LITTERALLY (SP) FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO OR I CAN TRUST..(I GUESS AFTER GETTING BURNED BY JENNIFER A FRIEND OF 15 YRS AND AMANDA THE CRAZY GIRL ) I FEEL LIKE I CANT TALK TO ANYONE THAT GETS IT..

BUT I DO HAVE YAL.....

KIMBERLY HAD INTERVIEW TODAY AND IM PRAYING SHE GETS THIS JOB...(ANY JOB) BUT THIS ONE FOR SURE RIGHT UP HER ALLY...IF SHE GETS  IT SHE WILL TRAVEL TO HOUSTON 2 TIMES A WK AND CANADA SEVERAL TIMES AND SWEDEN FOR SCHOOL...A COMPANY CAR (TIL THEY SEE SHE TRASHES IT AND CANT DRIVE WELL)..LOL AND 55K A YR...SO PLZ PRAY SHE GETS IT..EVEN THOUGH SHE MAY HAVE TO MOVE TO HOUSTON...(AS I SEE IT I DONT SEE HER MUCH NOW ANYWAYS SO....)..

KODY GOT IN LIL TROUBLE AT SCHOOL...HE AND A FEW FRIENDS MADE FUN A OF A BOY..   (LONG STORY) BUT WE HAD GOOD TALK WITH HIM (ME CRYING MOSTLY) AND HE UNDRSTANDS AND WILL APPOLOGIZE MONDAY TO PRICIPLES AND THE BOY....

HE IS GROUNDED FOR NOW FROM HIS TRUCK AND WILL BE TAKEN THE COOL YELLOW SCHOOL BUS FOR  A WHILE....

BE BLESSED AND BLESS....

[Guest]

Another angel joins ours.

About 5 hours ago a pre-schooler got a hold of his father's gun.  I know the best friend of the father.  He was too distraught to give me this little baby's name. 

I'm sick to my stomach.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Amy - It was about three weeks when Stephanie's urn and ashes were ready to be picked up.  I drove to get her alone.  Drove her home, driving very carefully.  I sat in my rocking chair, holding her, and cried for the longest time.  She now sits front and center in my curio cabinet, surrounded by my angel collection.  The light from the cabinet gives her a special glow.  That may have been the most difficult day.

Like Dee said, hang on to us, your loved ones and whomever else that supports your grief.

Sending you all love.  I'm so grateful you are here.  Did I tell you I joined a face to face support group?  Not the same as here.  I wonder why that is.  I just know I couldn't wait to get home "to all of you" after hugging my friend.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Shorter fuse...who the hell wants to know?

That's my short answer, yep, a much shorter fuse for a woman whose fuse seemed to go on for blocks/took a lot for me to lose my patience really, well maybe not when my kids were teens, but you know? I could tolerate a great deal before blowing my top, now? Well now I just don't have the natural amount of patience as I once did. Mind you, much of my goodly amount of patience found me staying in bad situations too long as well, so striking a balance would be nice. No, since Erica left, I have definitely noticed less ability to cope with stupidity, with rudeness, with those who take advantage, and with time wasters, (when it is my time being wasted). I definitely have a bigger mouth and verbalize more and need to watch that because much of that is directed at the pin-heads running the school district that I am an employee of. See that, I am name calling these days too.

Kathy, I did not comment with all that was in my heart earlier, but just want you to know that as you move forward in this new phase, know that you are not bogging anyone down with your story. Your story with your Son is a piece of your everyday, in your heart adn in your worries, and therefore he is in our lives, in our hearts. Do keep the support around you at work, allow that in your life, but do not worry thtat we will become tired of hearing about your Son's life. Love the photos, it seems a strong resembelance between your Brother, you, and Kathy, therefore Tav.

Lorri, even though we have each other, and even though some of us have other children, and we have friends, there are times on this road when we find ourselves very much alone in our grief. Nobody can know exactly what you are feeling because nobody has that exact relationship with Kourt but you. One day you will not feel so alone, until then, talk to her, let her know. Tell her that we saw her in something that flies. That Little Girl of yours is listening to your heart. You are the person she is closest to as well.

My heart to All,

dee

[ericasmom]

O Sweet Lord, may this little angel be flown extra fast to the light of our Dearest Angels, and let him be surrounded by so many 'Moms and Dads', ready to help him find his way.

So very sorry Susannah,

dee

[Guest]

Kathy - If there is one thing you DON'T have to worry about right now, it's sharing this difficult journey with your son.  Who better to share it with?  Most of us have been there.  Toss that worry aside.  You have enough on your plate.  Let us love you through this. 

Beth - I would really love to hear from you, even if it's just to say F off.  I won't.  But, you can say it. 

 

[hotrod]

 

Hi Inidgos

 

I am going to be brief today. It is Stephen's Birthday.  I  wanted to post to Honor him and then I will be off for a few days.  I appreciate all of you. 

 

Trudi and Dee   i agree that my fuse is definitely much shorter since the loss of Stephen .  In addition I find I cannot shop in large department stores or grocery stores any more.  I get claustrophic and must leave.  I have found small speciality shops and grocery stores ae manageable but if they are crowded I leave.

 

Kathy I loved the picture of Tavian a few hours old .  So very beautiful. You are in my prayers

 

Amy Picking up the ashes is a very, very hard experience.  Just breath and try to rest.  Come here often  You are not alone on this journey

 

Susannah So sorry to hear about the new little angel.  I am glad you have found an in person grief group.  They do help.

 

 

 

 

 

                                                           Stephen

 

[align=center]I think of you with tear stained cheeks[/align]

[align=center]And lips that start to quiver.[/align]

[align=center]Happy birthday my sweet gift from God.[/align]

[align=center]I trust you're with the Giver.[/align]

[align=center]

[/align]

 

I

[lostwoher]

A short fuse? Is that what that is? I may say something in a snap not so nice way but I usually just turn around and cry. Yep, Im a crier. Didnt do that so much before but now its like  a certain reaction. Good and bad. Dealing with people all day long can really get to me. Its amazing at how 'stupid' people can be. I ask for a birthday and they give me an address, ask for the address and they spell their name. Hello- will you listen to what the question is!

 I think criticisim from my boss is the worse for me. I always snap back that what I do is never good enough and he just wants more more more. Its a weekly thing with us. I just dont have the tolerance/patience for much of anything. Im sure its just me because I have acquired an "I dont give a damn" attitude.   Enough said, you get the picture.

Dee, we wont be arriving in Chicago until after 3pm on saturday. Anything going on in the big city that you know of? I think we are staying at Howard Johnsons, close to the airport. Michelle arrives at 8am Sunday and wants to check out the city. I hear it will be in the 40's!

Kathy, please dont feel you are bogging us down with the story of your son. We are family and will not shy away from this. What hurts you hurts us, what makes you happy, makes us happy. Share with us. We are not judging, only holding you close to our hearts and listening. You are not alone!

I remember oh so well going thru Kayla's things. I was the primary person to pack up her apt and get it all moved. It was so painful but felt so good to have some of her things with me. I look at it now and wonder where alot of it is. I have no idea what is missing but I know there has to be more than what I have. Its ok, I treasure what is here.

If only I could get a sign from her like so many of you get

Its been a looooong day and I have a midmorning shift. Sleep well Indigos,

Lynn      

Waiting to hear from you Kayla. I know, I know, you will as soon as you can. xoxo

[Guest]

It must be Thursday in New York, Betty....still Wednesday here.

Holding a special space for you in my heart on this sad day of miracles for you.

STEPHEN  STEPHEN  STEPHEN

Fly high!  Fly Free!  Send your mother a sign...please! 

 

[Guest]

(((((Lynn)))))  Kayla, please send your mother a sign. 

This morning, as I stared at the clouds, I wondered if the sign's I received were really from Steph or just wishful thinking.  Then I remembered the bird landing on my shoulder, and then the hummingbird and then the two owls and then Jasmine's picture of the owl on a pole.  I sure didn't make those things up.

Kayla, please send a bird or a butterfly to your mother.....

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

PS - Lynn, if a wild bird lands on your shoulder, try not to freak out.  Totally traumatizes the bird.

[mikesmum]

Betty - Its Thursday here.......thoughts with you and your boy today.  Love your words..Handsome young bloke!

The fuse is short attached to some pretty impressive explosives.

Things we would have thought odd before now seem normal.

I remember the day Mike's report was being released.  I travelled by train to Warragul.  Its where Mike was born.  Then into the CBD Melbourne to the Coroners Office.  I stayed in town overnight.  Got the report and checked in.  The sweet young thing at reception asked "in town for a special occassion?"  Without tempering my answer I said yes "I'm going to read my sons autopsy report".  The key and receipt handed over without much eye contact.

The day I went to the river to find Mikes ashes dumped.  Mal went to the hardware store in the local town and bought a garden spade and bucket.  Kneeling in the mud I must have spent almost an hour collecting the cremated remains of my son....

Nothing wrong with my sanity, not in this universe anyway.

I wondered if being online would make a difference to the support.  I went to a local face to face (TCF).  Sadly most of the parents there had lost their kids in road accidents.  Mal & or his brother had attended and I was a 000 (911) calltaker.  Most of the 3 meetings I went to were more about response times and the process of getting an ambulance.  Hardest part was the leader of the group had lost her son in a single car accident.  Mal attended but her son died before they could do anything.  That was 10ys ago and she still wanted to know why Mal took so much time to get to her son.....

Amazingly, meeting Colleen, Bonnie, Carol, Dee and Marcia was more than I had hoped for.  Together (for me at least) I was in some ways able to move into my next phase?. 

 Dan & or Greg - have a laptop that I hoped to bring with me.  My internet carrier here says I need to hook up with one in the states to use the internet.  Any suggestions?

 

[mysonrich]

 Stephen,

 

heavenly day. stay close by your mamam today as she travels in so many ways.

[Guest]

H Indigo's,

Maybe I am totally insane.  Maybe I have gone over the edge.  Tossed and turned all night.  Weird dreams.

Love you,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

 HaPPy BirTHdaY STEPHEN!

 Its ALL about YOU!

[lostwoher]

 Thank you Susannah! ((((HUGS))))

[shellbellsmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Stephen...send your mom some wonderful signs.  Betty~ wonderful pictures of you and your boy, just priceless memories.

I've been in and out, most reading just haven't had the energy to post...want to hello to Amy.  So sorry for your loss of your daughter...wanted to say something earlier but it hurts too much sometimes.  My daughter was on a vent for only 2 weeks but never came out alive. You had so much hope and then in minutes it was shattered.  My heart is just aching for you.

Great pics everyone....love to see them, need to post a few news ones of my girl.  Lorrie when I read your post a few days ago about Kourtney's friends not posting any messages on her site on her Bday that just broke my heart too...how could they forgot....isn't it on their minds 24/7 like ours. The truth is it isn't....and that is what hurts the most for me.

Trudi regarding the”short fuse"...my family has that too all of a sudden.  My husband just this week got into a little disagreement with a co-worker....now, he feels bad (great more stress) and she was hurt by his short- fuse.  My son on occasions just blows, and totally overreacts....over nothing, then later he feels bad.  Me, I was the one who used to always go along with the flow....never question, never start controversy and now I feel like people annoy  me and I tolerate much less in people.  Haven't lost it yet, but feel it boiling inside sometimes.

Here is a song for all of us…. 

Chorus:

I'll see you again

You never really left

I feel you walk beside me

I know I'll see you again

When I'm lost, when I'm missing you like crazy

I tell myself I'm so blessed

To have had you in my life, my life

So many tears lately…yesterday was fine most of the day then left to go to my support group, cried the whole way there, then cried a lot in group, and then all the way home.  Started crying already this morning I guess it’s just going to be one of those weeks.

Wishing everyone some peace and some joy today. Sue (Michelle's mom)

[hotsauce]

STEPHEN    STEPHEN    STEPHEN   STEPHEN

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY  STEPHEN

send your mother a lot of love today on this special day

love and hugs

[shorty16]

Indigos,

I want to make you laugh today.  This really happened last night.

Scott and I went to Maggianno's last night for a nice dinner.  The table was set beautifully with a plate of oil to dig your bread into.  Scott looks at the plate of oil and said "Do we wash our fingers in there?"

The look on my face must have been priceless, because he looks back at me and said "What?"

I should send this as a skit to Saturday Night Live.

I thought, I have got to get you out more often

True Story - I am still laughing 14 hours later.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Well, I sent a post yesterday, replying to Trudi's question about a short fuse, among other things, but it seems to have gone off into the universe and missed this site entirely...oh well.  I like Dee's response to it better anyway:  "Who the hell wants to know?"  (lol)

Colleen:  we posted at the same time...I am laughing my head off over your post!!!  Thank you so much for sharing!!!

Betty:  thinking of you today, and holding you close.  These hours of this day are as much a part of you as they were the day Stephen was born, and I hope you feel the love and strength being sent your way from all of us. 

Betsy:  I loved the "squirrel" birthday wish you posted for Stephen---how very appropriate...you are a jewel.  I know that Betty was pleased with your remembering her Stephen in such a way.  As is Stephen. 

Sue:  Thank you for sharing the song...it is really beautiful.  

Lorri:  We all know well the pain you are feeling, the "aloneness" that you feel.  As Dee said, talk to Kourtney now...we know it's not the same, but it is your way of communicating with her now; take advantage of it...speak to her.  She is speaking back...the latest being her little fairy in the picture.  Sending you hugs and strength.

Lynn:  I am sorry that you have such an irritating boss...I know and understand that road well.  I hope you are able to have some pleasant hours at work this week, with no criticism from your boss.

Amy:  I think we've all had a rough time with the ashes of our loved ones (those who had to deal with them).  Mike requested that he be cremated...took a long time to get used to that idea.  It was done on the 17th of October...it was Christmas Eve before I could bring myself to pick them up.  The funeral director was very, very nice, and held them for us, took care of them...he was like a "good uncle" to us...so very nice.  On Christmas Eve morning, I couldn't stand it any longer...I had to bring them home...I made the mistake of going by myself.  I didn't know how I would make it home, but like Sue, I did, crying all the way. It was only the knowing of Mike, his personality, his take on life, that kept me from going insane with guilt over having left them there that long.  I would call the funeral director every now and then, and he would assure me that it was okay, that it was not that unusual.  Then I would hang up and cry.  Mike's ashes now are in a shiny steel urn, front and center of our shelving unit, but still the guilt lingers...

Kathy:  As others have said, please don't feel that you can't come here and talk about BJ and what you are going through with him.  I agree, he is part of you, thus part of us.  Many of us have been there are or there.  A short time with Mike, thank God; a (much) longer time with his sister, thank God she is now okay, and we are now dealing with our grandson, as I've mentioned before.  He has been in rehab now for 19 months, and is continuing to do well, but still I wait for the phone call.  It is a constant vigil, constant caretaking, actually.  I am glad that you have such supportive people to work with; they sound very understanding, and it was just awesome the way they handled the phone calling with you.  I pray he will eventually turn himself around, and meantime, I pray for you.  Thank you for sharing the pics...just great...you with Tavian the day he was born...what a treasure!

Trudi, Marcia, Greg, Dan, Susannah, Leah (so glad to hear the tooth trouble is fading fast), Colleen, Sherry, Dee, Beth (where are u?), Mary Ann, Deneace, Claudia, Bonnie...and anyone I may have not mentioned...shouting out to all of you with hugs and love...thinking of you always, and always in my prayers for comfort found in small things...

We wrote this on a card we hung on Mike's Christmas wreath:

"Speak not in grief that he is no more, but in thankfulness that he was."

So hard to do, so very hard to do.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

Remembering happier times: (layover in Hawaii, on the way home from 2 years in Guam...Kim, 16, Mike, 5, and Cathi 13---the middle of a 17-hour flight!)

[ericasmom]

STEPHEN, your name a great spark in your Momma's heart. Fly freely Dear Boy, sweep across the skies on this, your BIRTHDAY. March 4th will always cause those who know and love you to smile.

STEHEN, give your sweet Mom a breeze through her hair, a bird call that turns her head, a stream of sunlight or moonlight that she feels your presence, and hug her with your foreverness.

Peace Sweet Boy,

dee

PS Betty, the photo of the two of you is precious, the love is evident. I love your poem to your BOY>

[mikesmomrs]

Stephen...Stephen...Stephen...  Happy Heavenly Birthday...I hope you are surrounded by our angels, and lots of "wild critters" to keep you company, as you party today...surround your mom with love and sweet memories...

love and peace,

Carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, I so agree with you about Betsy's birthday greeting, the squirrel is a wonderful way to honor Sweet Stephen. Betsy, you are one clever Chic-a-dee.

[4everjoeysmom]

Happy Birthday Stephen!!! xoxoxo

Trudi, does your laptop have an internal wireless internet card/capability? If so, you will be able to get internet anywhere you travel, as long as they offer wireless.

[nicksdad]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

 Dan & or Greg - have a laptop that I hoped to bring with me.  My internet carrier here says I need to hook up with one in the states to use the internet.  Any suggestions? 

Staying in a hotel/motel it should not matter. Most places offer "free" internet and you can then either plug in to the outlet they have or connect to their wireless as long as your laptop has wireless built into it.

[nicksdad]

[briansdad]

[user=27196]nicksdad[/user] wrote:

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

 Dan & or Greg - have a laptop that I hoped to bring with me.  My internet carrier here says I need to hook up with one in the states to use the internet.  Any suggestions? 

Staying in a hotel/motel it should not matter. Most places offer "free" internet and you can then either plug in to the outlet they have or connect to their wireless as long as your laptop has wireless built into it.

Dans right the hotel will probably have wireless internet

Greg

[daniellemom]

STEPHEN - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! Betty my thoughts and prayers are with you today as your wonderful memories of Stephen are front and center.

Hello to everyone. I feel terrible I've been so busy lately with life I have not taken the time to response to any of the post. I will try to do better. Love each and everyone of you more than you will know.

Colleen: Thank you so much for the laugh, too funny.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[shorty16]

Happy Birthday Stephen,

Whisper in your Mom's ear how much you love her.  It will make her day.

Colleen

[briansdad]

I'm sure Steven is at the heavenly drag strip with Brian to see who has the fastest car.

Greg

[lostwoher]

Hey ya all there is something bright shining from the sky and it feels warm. Should I be alarmed by this?

[zachysmom]

Hi all I'm still around just getting closer to my Angels' birthday and I am slowly breaking down. I will make it thru, barely.

 

I have a project for anyone who wants it. The picture below is the one we want to put on Zachys' monument. I need it blown up to 12x15 and as sharp as possible. Who ever wants to take on this task please pm me.

[ericasmom]

Col, take that man to Italy...

funny.

Yes Lynn, there is warmth from above, take it in.

Love to all, have to go to the art class I am taking,

dee

[Guest]

Lynn - Enjoy the warmth!

Beth - So glad to see Zachy's face!  Thanks for letting us know you're okay or as okay as can be expected.

Colleen - How funny. 

I wonder if they're racing cars up there or racing each other...seeing who can fly the fastest.  Men will be men or boys will be boys.....cars are probably what they're racing.

I am finally going through all our files.  I haven't filed anything since April 2008 - since my sister died.  Everythings in a huge pile.  Yuck!  The dining room table is covered in papers that I had just stuffed in the file cabinet. 

Wishing you all a good evening!

Love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

Lynn - Enjoy the warmth!

Beth - So glad to see Zachy's face!  Thanks for letting us know you're okay or as okay as can be expected.

Colleen - How funny. 

I wonder if they're racing cars up there or racing each other...seeing who can fly the fastest.  Men will be men or boys will be boys.....cars are probably what they're racing.

I am finally going through all our files.  I haven't filed anything since April 2008 - since my sister died.  Everythings in a huge pile.  Yuck!  The dining room table is covered in papers that I had just stuffed in the file cabinet. 

Wishing you all a good evening!

Love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Nope...... There has to be cars in heaven. Just like there has to be bass boats with big 250 hp motor to run down big lakes full of bass. at least i hope so otherwise I'll really be bored.

Greg