Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

LOVE THE PIC OF KAYLA , LYNN SO NEAT....

TAVIAN VG HOPES YOU HAD THE BESTEST OF BEST DAYS...I SURE WISH IF UR GRANNY KATHY IS COMING TO THE REUNION YOUR COMIN..BUT IF NOT WE UNDERSTAND..YOUR GETTING SO BIG...LOVE THE CURLS..I HAVE THEM TOO, I WISH MY HAIR WAS LIKE YOUR MOMMAS...I THINK SHE HAS THE PRETTIEST CURLS EVER...

OK IM GOING TO POST YET ANOTHER PIC OF ME, FROM THE CRUISE NOW THAT I HAVE THE SCANNER I JUST SCANNED IT AND PUT IT ON THE COMPUTER...MONTY HAS IT ON HIS DESK AT GALAXIE (OUR BUSINESS I ONCE WORKED AT WITH KOURTNEY) NOW IVE ONLY BEEN THERE ONCE SINCE SHE LEFT.......BUT.....

AND KEEP IN MIND PPL THIS IS A GOOD PHOTOGRAPHER AND A GOOD DAY FOR ME...I USUALLY LOOK LIKE HOTTTTT HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Now did you say that was in your bathroom

Greg

[hotsauce]

BESTY, how much snow did you get?

BETTY, what about your area?

staying warm, feels good.

[mysonrich]

[user=33864]hotsauce[/user] wrote:

BESTY, how much snow did you get?

BETTY, what about your area?

staying warm, feels good.

 5-6 inches . It stays south and west of here ( knock on wood)

[Guest]

I am so glad I came to you guys with this.  Betsy, you said it...and the answer is no.  I'm not ready to advise anyone.  The only thing I have, apparently is my journal and good metaphors.  Thank you.  I will put this behind me for now, and focus on more important things.......like breathing.

Personally, I would love to see Dee write a book on grieving.  Or a book on anything!  I'm still hoping to read more of your story, Dee.  (not so subtle hint).

I appreciate your encouragement, Leah.  Especially when you have so much on your plate, yourself.  I'm glad you're getting a little reprieve from your tooth.  I hope it lasts until your appt.  You are a good person, Leah!

Again, thak you Betsy.  You asked just the right questions.  I already feel like a load has been lifted.

I'm going to nap now.  The detective who was over the criminal case with my grandchildren is stopping by after school to say hi to the kids.  My intention was to have a card and treats for him.  But, I'm too tired.  So, I think we will just welcome him into our home and the kids can show him their rooms with their unmade beds and toys strewn about and the basket of unfolded laundry sitting in the laundry room. 

I'm weepy today.....

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shellbellsmom]

 Happy Birthday Tavian   ♪♫•*♫♪*•.¸¸ ♫♪¸¸.•*♫♪¨*•♫♪  wishing the best birthday ever !

Susannah go for it....writing a book might open up a whole new world for you (Dee you too)  You are not the only one that is "Doubleminded"...I admit to being that way too sometimes.

Marianne take it easy on yourself shoveling....maybe Mother Nature will give you a break soon and help melt some of that snow for you. 

Wonderful pic of Stephen next to the horse...even like that the photo is weathered a bit, but if you ever want to fix it there are many photo companies that will fix faded color, and scratches etc for not too much money. 

Lorrie I definitely see your Kourney in you, you both have the same smile and eyes…and you are both beauties.   

Been busy planning events for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for later this year….keeps me busy and will help out many in families in need someday and best yet keeps the old mind off the dark stuff.  

My nephew sent me an email and asked my opinion on what to say to someone who lost a cousin to suicide that they were very close to.  I can think of everything not to say to them but even though I  suffered a loss myself I still freeze up and can’t find the right comforting words sometimes….I think  sometimes there is no right words.  My advice to him, just listen to her, and let her talk about her loss as much as  she wants and let her know you are there for her. 

Hope everyone is well and finding some peace today.  Take Care, Sue

 

[mikesmum]

   TAVIAN!!!!!!

Hope those in the earthquake and snow covered areas are staying safe.  Thinking of you with each 'newsbreak' coming in here.

Beth - I love you pic of Zachy.  Glad the recovery is progressing.  As for your husband best I can offer is the processing of grief, your op and life in general is so different for men and women.  Time might allow for a healing that brings you to a common ground, but for now, rest and be kind to yourself.

Betsy - I bought a bike for my 'new life' after the kids and hubby (2) left home.  For a time I rode everywhere.  It was something.  I had ridden a bike when I was at school.....that ended with me into a light pole, head injury (explains a lot) and about 8 weeks recovery!!  So while I have been back on a bike, X-treme is not for me.....

Betty - Great picture of your boy.  Can you tell me more about the horse.  Did you live on a farm?  Thanks for sharing.

Lorri - I check the eyes, smile, face when seeing if someone 'looks' like someone else.  Yep,  no doubt, you and Kourtney have the smile, the eyes and the cheekiness!  Love the work of the photographer.   Does he travel downunder....Mind you I think he was working with some pretty hot stuff...

As for the 'advice' on what to say to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide...Perhaps listen while they tell the story....Leave out any preconceived judgements or sterotypical responses.  If you have suffered loss remember how that in itself felt....how is not as important as 'they died'.  Don't try to given them answers, hold them and let them find there way.  Its okay to say "I don't know". 

Its pouring with rain here - the humidity has broken and its milder than it has been for a while.  

Take Care - Trudi.

 

[mikesmum]

Looking through more files on the computer and found more pics of my babies.

This is my nephew Luke with Mike, Melissa and Steven.  Its Lukes 2nd birthday...no I'm not related to Ronald McDonald!  We were the 'backup' for Lukes family.  His CF regime was punishing.  My brother and his wife spilt just before this birthday.  The seperation and eventual divorce tore their family apart. 

Mike continued to be Lukes 'buddy' throughout hospital admissions etc.  It hit him hard when Luke died. 

[mpsmom]

[align=center]Happy Eighth Birthday[/align]

[align=center] Tavian !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Hugs, Marcia   Bethanys mom forever[/align]

[bjsmom]

Happy Birthday

Tavian!!!!

[align=left]May you get many hugs & kisses and all the toys you desire, on this your special day. You are so loved, so protected & wrapped in comforting arms....have a great day little man.

Deneace (BjsMom)

[/align]

[shorty16]

Happy Birthday Tavian!!

I talked to Bonnie yesterday and they had 40-45" of snow  BEFORE this storm that is heading East.

WOW

Thinking of you all.  

Love Colleen

 

[daveydow1]

Trudi-----You said that "the heartache is always there". That is so very

true. Even when we try to "cover it" a bit, around others, it is always just

under the surface, and can spring forth and bring us tears and pain.

Lynn,  Lorrie------Thanks for the pics. Both beautiful girls.

Betty----As you say----there are no GRADS from this road we're on. So good

of you to feed the little injured squirrel. I'm sure he wonders.....in his tiny

squirrel brain.....".who is this angel who helps me? " Love the pic of Stephen

and the horse. One thing I have noticed ........being on here for almost 7 yrs....

is that ALL our angels had a love for animals and pets. Davey loved any kind

of pets, and kept tropical fish in a beautiful aquarium in his apartment. Also had

a turtle once , and some sort of lizard, at different times. Was crazy about dogs,

and loved our old cat Brownie (we still have her).  I think that tells a lot about

all our angels, and how they were kind-hearted.  All our angels....Gone Too Soon.

Kathy----Keeping your son and you in my prayers. Peace & tranquility to you.

                  Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry  

[Guest]

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

I have been at school for 14 hours, started at 6:45 with newspaper club, went through lunch with Homes for Haiti Club, after school makeup conference, and then to an art class at another oak park school. I need one or two more credits to do a lane change which would give me an increase in pay come september. So, needless to say, I am zonked. I have been up since 4;00 again, so I am soon to bed.

LEAH, keep it up, heal and look forward. Beth, same to you, keep healing and time will tell on the other.

Sus, sorry that your posts are showing that you are feeling deep sadness tonight and then your post disappeared, so I am hoping that you are okay.

Betty, that is the cutest photo of Stephen and pony. Really gorgeous.

Lorri, lovely photo, really pretty.

Several of us could put a book together, but sometimes it is enough to write right here, where our hearts are strongest, where our help is also strongest, with one another.

Blessings and sweet sleep,

dee

[Guest]

I'm okay, Dee.  Just one of those crazy nights.  My light switch is flicking up and down quickly.  And, I don't mean much of my ranting.

I love what you said about we're all writers.  Right here!  I can't explain the relief I feel at reaching a decision to keep my writing "right here".  I think the relief of that stress allowed me to finally break down and feel the pain of the loss of my girl. 

So...now, I don't have to worry about what I say and I just get to be real.  And, the reality, right this minute, is I'm okay.  I wasn't an hour ago, but I was the hour before that. 

And so it goes............

I broke down in front of the kids tonight.  I haven't done that since the early days of Steph's passing.  8yr old Mariah cried with me...Jasmine and Jonathon offered soothing words........all of us wrapped in a hug together. 

I think what brought all this on so fresh is Gary's out of town all week.  I began to panic this morning.  And, last night my youngest daughter phoned me to tell me her four year old got on the wrong buss and was missing for several hours.  I sobbed, begging her to take her out of school.  If she's too young to know which buss to get on, she's too young to ride the buss.   My daughter agreed, because of my sobs.  Today, little Becca called me to tell me she doesn't have to go to school anymore.  "I get to go to the wittle why (Little Y)".

I really depend on Gary to keep me grounded.  I don't know what I would do without him!

On a positive note...this week I finally got all the mail opened for the last six months.  I only missed one bill in all these months.  not bad.

Rest well.  I pray the snow lets up for you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom.........I miss you, Baby!!! 

[summergirl]

Thank you all for your birthday wishes - it will mean so much to him when I show him tomorrow.  Today is another one of those days when I know who my true family really is.....4 years ago tonight we celebrated Tavian's 4th birthday with his mommy and all of Barry's family....this day, his 8th birthday was the 3 of us, no phone calls for him, no cards....I cried but I should be used to it by now huh?? Guess it is not as important as the rest of the family....it makes me so angry and so hurt that they are so cold hearted that they cannot even acknowledge his birthday...AAARRRGGGHHH... Well, their loss I say.  We made cupcakes for his class tomorrow, made green and blue icing..he had a blast and it was fun and kept my mind occupied from the ignorance of family members. My gosh, my sister called all the way from Iowa and Barry' family lives less the 2 miles from us in weither direction.....

Susannah - you, Dee and Trudi are the book writers here, the 3 of you make me laugh, cry, stengthen my heart, lift my spirit and accept my rambelings with great words of wisdom.  I have all the words in my head but diffacult time getting it on paper....

Lorrie - HOT lady, great pic and yes, you and Kourtney look much alike....people say Jessica looks like me but I see no resemblence at all....everything else we had in common.

So very tired so forgive me once again for not answering all posts as I like to do. It has been 3 weeks of hell and I want a bit of normal but that will not come again until the 18th has come and I have made it once again through the grief of losing my Jessica all over again.

I MISS YOU JESSICA....I WANT SO BAD TO HOLD YOU.....

Peace and love my friends, Kathy

[zachysmom]

I just wanted to try to help out so I played with a program I have with this picture. I didn't work on it long but I hope I improved it a bit for you. If I was wrong for doing this please let me know 

[mikesmum]

Betty - Walking Muttley and Charley in the early morning.....thought you might enjoy a pic.

[hotrod]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

Betty - Walking Muttley and Charley in the early morning.....thought you might enjoy a pic.

Good Morning Indigos

 

You have all been very busy since I last signed on.

 

Trudi Thanks for the  great picture. You are a striking women and my Virtual Pets, Mutley and Charlie looking so very happy. I printed it off and have it on my desk .  Thanks you  To answer your question regarding th horse.  When Stephen was little we would spend summers in a ranch in upstate NY  The horse's name was Ruskin and he land Stephen loved each other

 

Beth  How very thoughtful of you to fix the picture  Thank You  So glad to see you posting and have another sweet picture of Little Zack  Glad you stopped smoking  That is a really accomplishment.

 

Dee  Please try to get some rest  We need you!!! It is too bad you cannot get the additional credits you need for you raise at the job because of all the writing, wisdom and encouragement you donate here..  It should be a "life credit"

 

Sue  Great to see your beautiful angel and to learn that you are giving your time to help a great cause.

 

Betsy  I hear you about Camping  It is fun but I think I went too many times in the rain so I decided no more tents  We would rent a cabin in the woods  It was fine for me  I did that last year in NJ.   Hope your counseling session went well

 

Sherry Thanks for talking about Davey an his love for animals  It does show such a gentle loving spirit. How we miss them!!!  I am not very creative when it comes to naming little animals so my little squirrels is named "Hurt Paw"  Not too original !!!

 

Susannah  I would not worry too much about being a writer.  I come here to grow and gain strength from the board and all the brave people who post their, pain and sadness and love.  It enriches me to know I am  not alone.  I do believe each and every one of us has a book or two within them/  One day who knows how many will write their experiences.

 

Colleen thanks for the update on Bonnie  Hope you are  sadness has lifted some

.Lorrie and Carol  I do hope you are safe and that the snow has not caused  problems for you

Mary Ann I hope you are recovering from your storm  Stay safe. and Leah so glad you are posting and sharing your life  It helps

 

Pam. Rosie, Kim, Denease, Kathy. Greg ,Dan, Sonya, Bonnie Terrie and all indigos  Thinking of you

I forgot to sign off just in case anyone forgets I am

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[Guest]

Except for a pounding headache from crying so much last night, I feel much better today!  It felt so good to just feel miserable and cry over my girl! 

I'm so glad I brought the thing about the book here....I can barely open the mail, yet.  I certainly can't handle the pressure of writing a book or pamphlet.  I'm not equiped to tell anyone "how to".  I am equipped to hold their hand and offer them a tissue.

I look at your pictures and I am so excited to meet you all in July.  Personally, I like the picture of Stephen just as it is.  There is some kind of "good" energy attached to it.  It reached out and touched me right from the monitor!  Whatever you do, Betty, don't let the original out of your hands.  In fact, if I were you, I might try sleeping with it by my bed.........it's just special.

Leah, hows the tooth?  I sure wish you could make it to Little Rock.

How are you, Beth?  Your little girl?  I don't remember about her.  My mind doesn't retain much. 

Dee - you sure are a dedicated teacher.  I think we should switch professional sports salaries with teachers salaries!  We owe so much to the staff at the kid's school!  We live in a low income area and there are several kids "in crisis" here.  It's sad, but the principal tells the parents like it is.  She is one tough cookie!  I love her.  I love them all.  We plan on having an open house, inviting them all, when the adoption is final.

Thank God for teachers!

Kathy - holding you close to my heart as we approach the 18th.  That's sad about Tavian's other family.  You'd think, at least, the other grandma would have done something.  I'm so glad he has you and grandpa!

Yesterday, as the police detective drank coffee and ate cookies with us, he kept saying, "They look so good!  They're so happy".  In the pictures I see of Tavian, he looks so happy.  That has to mean so much to Jessica!

Greg - I still haven't put the pictures in the mail.  It's right up there with the pressure of writing a book!  LOL  Oh gosh, I crack myself up!!!  Come to think of it, it was MY idea to write a book.  So, the pressure was my own fault.  However, it was THEIR fault for taking me seriously!!!  LOL

Dan - I can't tell you how many times this week, "Never lose faith" came to my mind.  I kept wanting to scream when I'd think about it, but then I'd think of Nick having it tatoo'd on himself and just picture him looking down kind of raising his eyebrows, so I'd shut up.

Rosie, What's the latest with you and the King?  I'm so happy you, your sister and Chris will be coming to Little Rock.  It's good that you include your sister.  Maybe I'll ask mine.  In some ways the death of my nephew was harder on me than the death of my own daughter.  Maybe because it was suicide and there were no answers.  That was when I became a drunk.  It was the only relief I could find.  Completely destroyed everything near and dear to me.  Then, 12 years later, when I sobered up, the grief was still there waiting for me.  I had to walk through it anyway! 

There is nothing so bad in my life today that a drink won't make worse. 

Colleen, Lynn, Bonnie, Sue, Amanda, Claudia and everyone .... I appreciate you!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Kathy---- So sorry I missed it.:?

                    HAPPY BIRTHDAY,  

              TAVIAN.    

[Guest]

I wanted to say it felt "freeing" to cry, not "good".

And, I also wanted to add any pressure I felt about writing was self induced. 

I become so needy.  I hate that about myself.  I need to be told I'm okay and all the craziness inside my head is okay and I'll make it.  You guys do that for me because I know you know exactly how I feel.

I am grateful for each of you and your individual personalities.   I'm sorry any of us have to be here, but I'm grateful you are here!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andrewsmother]

Susannah...I definetely think you could write a book...who says you have to be an expert on anything?  Why not just write about your experiences, it doesn't have to be a self help book...just an opinion...it doesn't have to be black or white...grey is a great color!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAVIAN!

Betty...I sent you a private message!

Kathy:  Any news on BJ?

Had a compassionate friends meeting last night...they are very helpful, the kindest most wonderful people there.  This was my second meeting and there were different faces from the first, about 10 women in total, it was a nice small group.  I found it interesting that all the children were boys except for 1 girl, and about all but 2 were teenagers, in fact 5 of them were 19 year old boys (including Andrew).  My heart broke for these women, although being the most recent one they were very sympathetic with me.  There was a lady there that lost 2 children, years apart, but 2 out of her 3, my heart especially broke for her although her last died in 97, she was most definetely still very distraught.

Im trying to hold on to the thought that Andrew is in a good place....I have to in order to keep my sanity.  If I disect that thought too much I have too many options to consider.  I told my ex husband this morning that I am choosing to live my live as the mother of 2 children, one 16 year old here on earth which I can physically see, and a 19 year old in heaven, which I cannot see but continue to talk to and have a deep connection with.  This is the choice I have made, my son is gone only physically, his soul, his spirit, his memory is in my heart and I choose to nurture that relationship as though he was physically still here.

I love you guys...Have a great weekend!  Hope the weather is good wherever you are...its beautiful here in Miami, about 68 degrees.

Take care

Rosie

Andrew and Chris' mom 

[daveydow1]

Rosie----I agree with you, that our angels are in a good place., and that

it might not be a good idea to dissect that feeling, and get confused. I

think that it is good to be steadfast with the knowlege that they do live

in our hearts.  You said it so well........."Andrew's soul, spirit, and memory

lives in my heart".  Thank you for putting it so well. Glad that you had a

positive experience at the Compassionate Friends meeting. I have had

three children in my present marriage, and two of them....Lisa and Davey

are gone, but forever in my heart.  As you say, our angels live on in our hearts.

Peace & comfort to you, friend.

           Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry   

[zachysmom]

Finally made it to Zachys' gsite today to visit and redecorate.

[mpsmom]

[align=center]Zachy's site looks so pretty for Valentines Day. [/align]

[align=center]HUGS>>> Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever [/align]

[pknight]

Mary Ann, Dee, Rosie, Kim, Denease, Kathy. Greg ,Dan, Sonya, Bonnie Terrie and all indigos that I might have overlooked. I am again trying to convey my deep appreciation and again like Kenny's birthday I am hitting the wrong keys and shutting the window I am typing in & having to start over. I gave up that day but not today. This is try number 3. I won't make this long as I really want to say thank you &  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAVIAN!

& All other Birthdays missed since Feb. 4th.

I went from pure elation of the Saints win (I'm in New Orleans) to crushing depression. Kenny died last year on SuperBowl Sunday. As happy as I was and I am for the Saints & the city I was & am that Kenny didn't live to see it. I just can't seem to shake it. Mary Ann hope you're doing ok being snowbound. Please know it meant so much to me to have him remembered.  I am going to go back & read all the post I've missed.

Prayers & Warm Hugs for all

Kenny's Mom

Pam

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

going out to see sisters and nieces this evening, leaving right from school which was a long hyper day as the students are hyped for a valentines party and for a three day weekend, (lincoln's bday) and for our all school carnival tomorrow wich I will attend the whole day selling the pins they made for money for Haiti. SOOOO, long two weeks, looking forward to a rest later on the weekend, until then, rush I must.

Have a beautiful night everyone, I will probably log on when I get home.

Pam, the low you are in is very much where most of us were that first year after the anniversary, and sometimes each year after an aniverssary. Be kind to yourself and allow the blues to filter through you as you move through this most difficult time. Go Saints. I know Kenny must be so proud of his team, but his pride in you, HIS BIGGEST FAN, is the best. He is proud of the ways you are finding to survive in this loss. All of you new to this kind of life, I am struck with how well you reach out and let folks know how you are getting on. I promise that one day the sun will shine a bit differently that it is right now, so hang on.

Peace-

dee

[pknight]

To Kathy  I am a mother that lost her son and is losing her daughter to addictions.  6 months ago she moved out and 3 months ago I had to change my locks. I feel your agony. Just writing to say take care of yourself and don't give up hope. My daughter is 30 & we have been dealing this 15 years. It didn't go critical until Kenny passed. Now she doing so much better. She still doesn't go to meetings & still thinks she can drink socially so we are not out of the woods by any means. So my advice to you is the same you have probably heard a million times. Take it one day, 1 hour or 1 minute at a time and cherish those moments that you can talk or hug or just be with. It is terrifying to lose 1 child and are watching loss of any kind heading for you again. I will say a special prayer for you. Kenny passed from cancer after 2yrs. It was torture to be helpless yet when it comes to our ADULT children we often are. So just love them & do your best & take care of yourself!!!

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLA

SORRY FOR THE LATENESS

LOVE & HUGS

KENNY'S MOM

PAM

 

 

 

 

[shorty16]

Wow Pam, great posting to Kathy.

That is the beauty of this sight.  Our answers come from the expiriences of the whole. 

Awesome

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Rosie,

That is my biggest nightmare - losing another child.  I also know a woman who lost 2 of her 3 boys, years apart, but both from accidents.

I would be kidding myself in saying it would never happen to me again.

Aaron (16) and I are going on a cruise in June 2010.  I am scared to death he will: fall over the side of the ship, get kidnapped in Mexico, being dragged into a room on the ship - What Ever.  I am going crazy with worry and have to bring myself back to Earth.

Thanks for sharing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[daveydow1]

Colleen----I know just how you feel----the fear of losing another child. Your

fear of something happening to Aaron is entirely understandable, after losing

your dear Brian. People (experts etc.) tell you that it's not really rational to

have such fears & anxiety, but it's just part of this journey that nobody ever

thinks they will be on. Hang on, friend, and I pray that you & Aaron will enjoy

the cruise.

          Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[lolynbo]

YOUR SON WILL DO FINE ON THE CRUISE ..KODYS BEEN ON 2 AND LOVES THEM AND ENJOYED HIM SELF SO MUCH...SPECIALLY THE VIRGIN PINA COLADAS...

REALX AND ENJOY....

[4everjoeysmom]

Happy Birthday to Tavian!! Bet your mama is sending blessings from Heaven!! HUGS TO YOU Kathy!!!

Love, Claudia

[summergirl]

Pam, thank you so much for sharing your story with me, it is so diffacult my friend as I know first hand. Yes, we love them and cherish the moments when we get a hug or an I love you but those moments have to be kept locked in my heart because it has been a long time since my son has thought of anyone but himself, I know it is the drugs but I am tired of being blamed for his addiction...he said "well, if you would drive me to a drug rehab then I would get help" I replied "I have done that and you have walked out every time, you are 32 years old and it is time to help yourself and stop blaming everyone else for your mistakes" - I tell him I love him every time I hear from him but I do not like the person he is...I love the person inside of him that wants so badly to come out.    He got on the train (again) today, told me he has no options left and he was leaving...I do not believe him...I know he just takes the train into the city to get crack cocaine and then back he comes expecting more money from me so he can go do it all over again.   I want so badly for him to hear my prayers, for him to see what he is doing to himself and our family but I cannot.   I am so sorry about your daughter and my heart is with you every step of the way...I pray that she continues on the road to recovery. Bless you my friend.

Tavian says thank you for all the birthday wishes. So very sweet of all of you.

Tavian's other Grandmother is back in the Dominican. Tavian got a card in the mail from Barry's mom today with 10 dollars in it....she lives less then a mile away !! As for the rest of the family not a word but we are ok...we are spending the day with Tavian tomorrow, going to Safari Adventure...he is very excited.    Today was a big day for him...he got an award for Student of the Week...I am so proud of him as I sttod there watching him accept his award with a big smile on his face....mommy is flying high tonight and bragging to all our Angels how proud she is of her boy...

I am tired tonight, weary of the drama that has overtaken my life for the past 3 weeks and the upcoming date of Feb 18th....I am taking tiny baby steps each day, trying not to let my mind go where it cannot go for fear of not coming back.  I love you all and wish you a great night, sweet dreams. Kathy 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Colleen, I too feel that way; I have 2 grown children and my daughter Kayla who is 22 and still has her wild ways.......when I read about accidents and other families losing kids I always think it could happen to me again.........I honestly could not  do it..........Maybe I am selfish but I am going to brag about all of us and say how strong we are just getting through and still living everyday losing one child and for some our only child........;  Its is scary; we worry when they go on trips ; but my Tanner lost his life 2 miles from home.......

Also my Kayla and here boyfriend just told me last week....they went to Vegas a few weeks back...I think for New Years ; anyway her boyfriend went to fast on a curve with railroad tracks and totaled his truck.......Kayla said all she could think of  was to jerk her seatbelt so it would lock and that they would roll....they did not roll but slid into a tree with his backend.......no one was hurt????? truck totaled...... ****........I am glad they told me but what was the boyfriend thinking ; slow the frick down.....especially when you are not familar with the road............

Blessings to everyone.....My old dog is sick; he has kennel cough......so back to vet we went; he now is on cough meds ; pain meds for his bad leg; and big antonbic pills ; however you spell that words.....not to mention he still misses our old dog Rocko that died almost 2 months ago....still howls but now only in the morning; he is training me; cause I go out and take him to the park and get him a sausage muffin at mc donalds........he's happy and it makes me happy......he is 11 and a gentle giant of a lab ; he is white.........and gives be kisses and drools all the time......you should see my truck........no maybe you shouldn't;

good weekend to all my friends here........this has gotten me through the last 2 years ; honestly; I went to a therapist; no HELP...........

Tanner's Mama Gama; cindy; beautiful day today in Hanford Ca.....that helped

[mikesmum]

I'm diagonally parked in a parallel Universe!

 

[lostwoher]

 Im the one next to you taking up 2 spaces

[ericasmom]

I am the one with my windows half open, lights on, and it is raining!

[mysonrich]

I'm not parked very close to the entrance, I don't like looking for parking spots or racing to beat someone to a close spot.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Since I do not even own a car!!!!  I will have to go to the parking lot to visit with you.  Trudi, Dee, Lynn and Betsy  I am very glad you explained how to identify each of  you

Beth I love the new hart decoraton at Zachy's GS  The little snowman is so cute.

Sherry, Colleen, Rosie, Pam,Denenace- so glad to read your posts and see your smiling angels on the Board this AM.  Colleen is right.  Each person shares from his/her hert their own experience andwe are all enriched.

Bonnie and Mary Ann I do hope you get a reprive from the snow and that your utilities are back

Tanner'sMama I agree coming here ireading and posting seeing my angel and all the other angels on a aily bases.  Is so very beneficial  Thanks for the thought

Leah  I am confused do you have a ranch or farm  You mentioned having horses How wonderful  I hope you are well

Susannah  I do believe that everyone has a book within   Do not stress about it  Just journal and see where it takes you.  I miss you today.

Sun is shinning here today and I have tickets to the Opera at the Met.  I must hurry so I can find my injured squirrel and then get on the train for a 1/2 hour ride ,

I hope all Indigos are warmed by the memories of the days that our lives were warmed by our angels

Lorrie, Kathy, Greg, Dan, Terrie, Claudia Marcia and everyone else

Have a Warm Safe Day

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[Guest]

I can't find a parking space and am racing around like a crazy woman.  I'm just glad to be in the same parking lot as you all.

Morning everyone.

Did anyone watch the opening ceremonies for the Olympics?  I fell asleep before it was completely over, but I was fascinated!  I've never paid much attention to Canada.  I can't wait to talk to one of my best friends (a Canadian).  I especially loved the poem/prose recited by the man in the "fall" scene.  I don't remember his name, but apparently he was a youtube sensation for this prose.  Not a direct quote, but he said something to the affect, "we are known for two words, please and thank you."  It was very impressive.

Hope you all have a great day.

 

[Guest]

I have an embarrassing confession to make about myself.  I began reading the Twilight books when my sister died.  When my mother died I read each of the four books twice within four days.  They occupied my mind on the long drive and while sitting in a motel room.  Right after Stephanie died, I read them all again.

I read other books as well....but, for some reason, I am able to lose myself in those "tween" books. 

My laptop has been a real life saver, too.  I look up things I really have no interest in.  I watch what the stars are wearing on the red carpet.  I watched the dispute with Leno, O'Brian and Letterman.  I watch documentaries on youtube. 

What is difficult is listening to music.  My daughter was a Christian, so Christian music breaks my heart.  I can't listen to country.  Either old rock or new age instrumental are the best.

Sitting outside staring at the sky makes me feel better.  Strangely enough, the wind brings me comfort.  Up until the day Stephanie died, I hated the wind.  Now I welcome it.

I am eating too much.  Even that switched with Stephanie's death.  I used to react to stress by not being able to eat.  Now...I'm comforting myself with sweets.  I want to change that.

Those are just a few of the things I do to get through a day...

What do you guys do?  Do you have any tricks you used early on (and even now) that helped you make it from point A to point B?

[Guest]

Betty, we must have posted at the same time.  I think obsessing about whether to write a book or not is another way to escape feeling the intense pain of my daughter's death.  If I can fool myself into thinking "I got this" I began to really believe it.  It's insane, really.  Because then when I realize I don't "got this" it's a more brutal intrusion of pain.  Rosie describes it well.

The opera at the Met!!  Have a wonderful time!!!

Love you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sus,  I will think on what I did early on to get from point A to B, the thing is, the part that floors many once they reach point B, is that one of the variables will not change, it is a fixed point, the fact that our Children left early...so what I found is that, like numbers, the points continue into infinity, and will lead us one day to the bright and lovely faces of Our Children.

As far as music, can't go a day without my alternative rock and my older rock, Neil YOung, Chrissy Hynde, Grateful Dead, Allman Brothers (JESSICA), and my reggae, Marly and Jimmy Cliff. So even as ERi lay dying, the kids broadcast from the college and took calls from the people for three hours, requesting music in her name...It brings me closer, and those tears? Well those are what allows me my  smiles.

I have to go to the carnival for like 7 hours, so I will check in later.

Betty, have a beautiful opera time, how soothing.

loving you all, hope we make a ton of money for the HOmes for Haiti project

[Guest]

The most helpful tool I use is to force myself into the now.  Not focusing on the pain of Stephanie, but life around me.  The clouds, the birds and squirrels.  My grandchildren, my dog, my husband.  My friends and family.  It takes a lot of self talk.  I force myself to feel the life in my hands and to focus on each breath as it flows in and out.  At those times, when I can accomplish being present, I feel strength and peace move through me. 

Yes...Dee - it is eternal, isn't it? 

I don't want to become bitter or sad.  I want to find joy again.  I want to be happy.  I want to be able to give back to life instead of focusing on what life has taken from me.  I want to have more faith than I have.

The most important tool I found is you guys!  I'm so grateful for each of you!

 

[mikesmum]

"Attention K-Mart Shoppers Circling the carpark............."

Hey Indigos - I woke to read that we are all in the carpark one way or  another!  Laughter is really the better way to start this day.

Betty - The Met.....only thing I know about that is Richard Gere took Julia Roberts there on a 'date'.  Enjoy

Well - Its Valentines day here - It wasn't always celebrated with gusto here, but  over the years it is big business.  

I'm off to the Travel Expo... Cheap airfares, accomodation, learning how to get about in the States. 

I have booked the accomodation for the gathering in July so will begin building my trip from there.

Time to walk the puppies...Charlie sits under my window as I type and 'talks' to me. 

Hopefully Steven and Kelly will be in their new home this week... Charley will be going back to them...

Maybe I can get Granma visits!!!!!

Take Care.  Trudi.....Now where did I leave my car??

 

[ericasmom]

RAIN OR SHINE, I AM IN THE LOT WITH YOU GUYS.

HEY, WE COLLECTED 960.00 TOWARDS HEALING THE HEARTS OF HAITI...WHAT A BIG DAY AT THE CARNIVAL. GENEROUS PEOPLE AND THE BEAUTIFUL WORK OF THE CHILDREN. IT IS, AFTER ALL, THE CHILDREN WHO WILL HEAL THE WORLD.

DEE

PS. GOING HOME FOR A NAP.

[lolynbo]

AS FAR AS PARKING / DRIVING MINE IS ON CRUISE CONTROL BECAUSE IVE NOTICED I NO LONGER AM IN CONTROL...HOPE I DONT HIT ANYMORE POT HOLES..

[ericasmom]

a quiet night I see, everyone watching the Olympics? I will go check some of it out. I had a deep nap this evening, dreamed some crazy thing, but last night I dreamed that Jon and ERi were young and we were putting on an ice show, the problem being that the show was going to be that night and we were just begining to practice. (sounds like me in real life), and when we were practicing, some of my school furniture was on the ice. Odd, but we had such fun skating back adn forth. Ahhh, dreams and the visions they allow.

Okay, now I am in the lot looking high and low for my car because I cannot find it, sure that someone took it and wait until the whole place clears out only to see it is sitting quite alone, right where I left the damn thing.

dee

[rlolheiser]

Hi my friends,

Kathy, I hope Tavian had a great birthday I am sure Jessica was enjoying each moment with you.  I hope you find some peace with the upcoming days, it is so hard and you have so much going on.  I pray that your son comes to the point in his life that will make him want to change.  May God lift you up and give you strength.

Cindy, I hope your dog is doing better

Betty, I live on an old farm.  When I first met my husband (almost 9 years ago) it was a dairy farm.  I learned how to milk cows.  I can't believe it cause I was afraid of them.  I learned how to do it all and milked each day at 4:30 am and 4:30 pm.  I hated it.  They gave up on the cows because they started to dry up.  Then one day an uncle of mine, met my JaBoa, and she looked at him and said, I sure would like a horse.  He was so taken with my angel, we ended up with 3 of them.  I kept them for a little while after her death, but I got where I couldn't take care of them.  I kinda wish I would have kept at least one.  It was just to hard, I they were getting wild because nobody spent time with them. 

I am feeling much better.  I have a dull pain, and I can handle that :-) I just hope I can keep it that way until the 27th.

Susannah, :-) hey.. I am still reading the Harry Potter Books, the grandkids were so taken with them, even JaBoa.  I had to find out what they were all about.  I thought about your question.. How do we get from point A to B...  I guess I stop to give myself a cry.  I hold it in, get all my chores done, and needs of everybody.. I just go by myself and cry..  not sure it is a good thing, but it helps my stress levels. I guess I cry for not only my missing JaBoa.. but for a lot of things......  as for bitter or sad..  I go through them both, but I also have joy.. I am lucky cause I have that little boy who keeps me so busy, and even that husband that frustrates me, yet holds me letting me know I am safe.. ok sorry.. got to rambling :-)

I guess time to get moving.. I wanted to let you all I know I love you and thank you all for all the posts.. hugs

Leah/JaBoa's grandma