Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

I wanted mention in regards to the Gathering.It is by far the most helpful thing I've done for myself.There are so many seminars to attend and most are very good. They usually have a meditation room. And the best reason is to sit and talk face to face with people like ourselves.If you can attend it's well worth it.

Greg

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I do still love and accept you, you are kooky, that is why I still love and support you. I was young when I first thought that someone was in a room with me, and then walking alongside me as I came home from school. There were many times I felt that someone was with me, but it felt good, protective. I never knew who, just was thankful, even as a young one, around age 8 when it started. I would say in a whisper, thanks for being here. Then there was my little episode of flying just above the sidewalk, which I still believe as I felt my body lifted by my armpits, and then one night it snowed in my room. I could feel the cold flakes land on my face, and my dolls swirled around me. I know it sounds nutty, but true as I sit here in school on a snowy day, those experiences were as real as this. So I always felt that there were guardians with me, and I deeply appreciated it.

YES BONNIE, it was an earthquake and I was scared. In the past when Illinois has a slight earthquake I was fine, thought it kind of neat, this time, I was panicked and thought of going outside, getting my boots...

Bonnie, must be hard for Em in all of this snow to have no outside influences beyond snow. I think you and Rich are great to stick to the rules, perhaps the first time in her life that there is follow through. Keep it going Girl and be careful in all of the white stuff and wind.

Thanks Greg for that, your high marks for this event will help many decide to go.

Blessings all,

dee

[lolynbo]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY KAYLA.....WE LOVE YOU...BE WITH YOUR FAMILY TODAY AND EVERYDAY SWEET ANGEL...

[Guest]

Kayla's birthday?  I missed it.  Happy birthday, Kayla!!  Please let your mom know you're okay!!  Let her know you are free and happy.  Fly high.  Fly free.  Fly fast!!

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom........oh, would you ask Stephanie to maybe drop her mom a hello!

[shorty16]

Happy Birthday Kayla - Give your Mom a big Hug.

Dee - Did you feel the earthquake in Dekalb IL this morning?  4.3 magnitude.  Big news here in WI.  Some say they felt it a 4am.  I am wondering who is up at that time?

How are those on the East Coast doing?  You are getting the 12.3 inches of snow we just got ontop of what you already have.

I talked with a guy who has a brother in New Jersey.  His brother had 27 inches of snow Before this storm hit them. OMG!!!

Thinking of all our angels today.  I am reading "The Shack".  WOW what a book..I wish I could get rid of "The Great Saddness" over a weekends time. 

Fellow Indigos - sometimes I think I am going crazy.  I still cannot believe my son is dead.  20 months now and I still do not believe it.  I cannot get past that everyday I loss more of him.  Everyday a new life experience he will never take part in.  How do I get over this???????

Love to my friends.

Colleen Brian's Mother Forever

 

[andrewsmother]

Oh Colleen, how I can relate to you...even though I'm only on day 52, I just can't believe he's not here anymore, that he wont be a part of our future.  Oh I so understand you my friend...what a terrible feeling, my heart goes out to you.

Kathy...please don't ever think you are offending anyone by speaking of your very real life situation.  This is your reality and something your facing and having to deal with.  I pray your BJ makes the right decisions and straightens his life out.  Do everything you have to do, exhaust all your resources, save your son!  That's my advise to you, I don't know how old he is, but he is your baby.  Do whatever it takes to save him.  I pray for you my friend.

Susannah...you are a riot...you should be a writer...you have quite a way with words.

Dee...I thank you for your words, and support, as always.  Sorry about the quake.

My sister and I are planning to attend the conference in July, we're taking the kids, (Chris and my nephew Daniel who is also 16).  We're thinking this will be a good way to take a little vacation while very much keeping Andrew with us.  This trip will be about him and for him. 

I cannot wait to meet you guys...I've told my sister so much about you all, she's been so so good to me.  I think after me, she has felt Andrew's passing the most, she would baby sit him for me when he was little, so she was like his mom, her kids grew up more like siblings with mine than cousins.

To the rest of you, hoping you have a peaceful day.

Love

Rosie

Andrew's mom

[andrewsmother]

[align=center]Happy 23rd Birthday Kayla.....[/align]

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[align=center]Send your mommy a sign today on your special day so she knows you're ok![/align]

[mpsmom]

[align=center]Happy Heavenly Birthday Sweet Kayla  !!![/align]

[align=center]Surround your Mom and brother with your love today, [/align]

[align=center]Then party down with all of our angels !![/align]

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[align=center]Warm Hugs, Marcia     Bethany's Mom Forever[/align]

[lolynbo]

WELL MONTY AND I ARE GETTING OUR 08 TAXES FINISHED TODAY.. WE DONT OWE SO THATS GOOD...THEN WE ARE DROPPN OFF 09'.....

WELL KOURTNEYS FAVORITE DAY IS VALENTINES...SHE NEVER GOT TO BE BRENTS WIFEY VALENTINE....THEN HERE COMES HER BIRTHDAY..AND ANNIVERSARY...

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A LIL PARTY AT KOURTNYS KLOSET ON THE 25TH..(HER BDAY IS 27TH) BUT WE ARE OPEN ON THURSDAY SO THAT WILL BE DAY OF CAKE AND PUNCH...I INVITED BRENT AND CARLEY LAST NIGHT AND NEVER GOT A RESPONSE....HE HAS NEVER BEEN TO KOURTNEYS KLOSET..I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT WE ARE ABOUT...BUT GUESS THEY WONT BE THERE..

HAVE A BLESSED DAY EVERYONE....

[4everjoeysmom]

Happy Birthday Kayla! This day I celebrate the day you were born into this world. A day that will always be a special day because of you!! Loving memories be a blessing to your family...

[ericasmom]

KAYLA,

Happy birthday heavenly one, dance and fly with all of our Babies, knowing that your Momma and Brother are remembering all the beauty that surrounds the thought of you. Hug Mom and Bro close and let them know that you are there, always there loving them as they do you. Let them feel your peace.

We love you Sweetie.

Lynn, let this day find your heart feeling more of the sweet than the bitter.

Loving you,

dee

[ericasmom]

Colleen, scroll down, I wrote this morning as soon as the room stopped shaking, and now I can tell you all why. I was so spooked when I was awakened by the quake that I thought, I better just tell folks that I love them in case...

That is how freaked I was. I heard Col, that you guys felt it and some folks in Michigan, so I wonder if Sue felt it. It woke me right up both with a sound and shaking.

More snow is falling, my kids ae in PE, so I have a moment of quiet, the first quiet today believe me.

Rosie,I think that it is wonderful for your sis to come to the event in July. My sisters both are great supports too, and Eileen, the eldest, (erica eileen) was extremely close to Eri. My family is the reason that the Erica Reith Fund continues, supporting it with donations on her birthday or Christmas, and in July each year, the anniversary of her leaving. How could it be almost seven years. Holy cow, that is long.

Love to all,

dee

[hotrod]

           

        Dear  Kayla 

 

     

 

      Let Mom Know That You      Are  With Her Today.

[summergirl]

DEAREST KAYLA, FLY HIGH ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, WRAP YOUR FAMILY WITH A BIG HUG AND CELEBRATE WITH ALL OUR ANGELS.

 

[shorty16]

Hello my Indigos

I am home right now enjoying the beautiful snow outside.  Driving was still slow today, but my family arrived all safe and sound.

As I stated before, I am reading "The Shack".  In my opinion, it is too soon in my grief to read this book (20 months), but here I am.

I know that I have to forgive Mike and Sam for their role in killing my son.  I understand that I have every right to be angry and that forgiveness does not obsolve me of that right.

BUT WOW - I know those two boys did not plan for Brian to die, but WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING - they were not.  1000 other events could have occurred that night that would NOT ending Brian's life.  I relive the 1000 other events every day.

I think I need a padded room and an inflatable bat.  I will beat the walls, floor and ceiling until I cannot stand anymore.  Rest and then do it again.

Now I know I am going crazy. 

I hear the men in white coats now - gotta go

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever and ever and ever and ever.

[summergirl]

Rosie - I understand when you say do everything I can do to save my son, in the 3 weeks that he has been here I have spent over 3000 dollars, called drug rehabs, cried, begged, pleaded, I cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. He will be 33 in March and I have been doing this since he was 17. The police officer Hogan told me that I need to stop enabeling him, that when he realizes that I am not going to be there for him he will hit rock bottom and will either find his way out, die or go to jail ---Great options huh ???  My spirit is broken, my body tired, my mind weary of thinking, my heart seems beyond repair...If there is someone out there who has an answer PLEASE tell me what it is...I want to have some peace, I want to smile, I want Tavian to look at me and NOT say "mi-mi why are you sad", I want to wake up in the morning and say "this will be a good day"......He is in the city now, called this morning to tell me the bus was cancelled (it was not) and  he has no money (he left here with 300 dollars), and if I could just help him one more time he would change.....I told him "I cannot help you anymore, I have done all that I can for you so do not call me, I will not answer, I will not talk to you, I will not help you". My stomach hurts, the mom in me hates me, the urge to save him is there but I just cannot do it anymore....if that makes me a terrible person then so be it, I have finally made the choice to not enable him anymore, I will not help him kill himself....I will have to live with whatever the future brings and God knows I pray and that is all I have left to do, continue to pray.   I pray every day for him and am leaving it in God's hands. I am so sorry if I have said anything that hurt you, it is not my intention, I am just a mom who has lost her daughter and in danger of losing my son...Prayers to you my friend. Kathy

[mysonrich]

[align=center]Kayla,[/align]

[align=center][/align]

[align=center]

Happy, Happy Birthday.

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[nicksdad]

[daveydow1]

Kathy----Oh, so sorry about BJ leaving and asking for more money. This

must be pulling you apart, but I think you are doing the right thing---as

difficult and agonizing as it must be. Continue to pray for BJ, and I will

pray along with you. Peace & tranquility.

Dee---An EARTHQUAKE.....Man.....what next ?? !!!  Sorry that you were so

scared....anyone would be. Hope things settle down soon. We're snowbound

here. I, too, and sick of winter.:X

Betty----I do have photos of the flowering crab tree while in full bloom, and

in winter also, but most of the photo albums are at the other house we're

going to be moving to in spring. So, when I get the photos, I will post them.

Carol-----I loved your post........how all of us can come to BI  "warts & all". This

is so true. Nowhere else can we come to tell how we are feeling, and what

things have transpired in our lives. Very comforting to know that BI is here for

us 24/7, and others who understand, firsthand, the emotional roller coaster

that we have been on since tragedy struck us with the loss of our dear children.

 

        HAPPY HEAVENLY  BIRTHDAY,  DEAR SWEET KAYLA.  

           Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[mikesmum]

Greg - I have to agree.  Meeting with Colleen, Bonnie, Carol, Marica and Dee being able to I just be me (Mikes mum) was a pivitol point in my journey.  Before that I had been reading and trying to find my new normal for 2yrs.

Betsy - Love the scenery, most definitely a place to remember, reflect.  Not sure about the mountain bikes, but hey I'm a walker of sorts!

Betty - One of the first pieces of advice I got her was 'be kind to yourself'.  That day I picked up my ID, my headset and holding it together said "This isn't working for me" and left. 

Dee - Apart from sleep depriviation and adrenaline overload are you and John okay?  I mean are you sure it was an earthquake, you did mention John snored .  Watching Steve struggle with yet another gliche in his journey I think much of Jon.  Hope he finds the continuity of strength needed to thrive. 

Colleen - I don't know the 'psychology' of it, but 3yrs on I still can't believe Mike is gone.  Its that hold out part of my brain and heart that won't give in to the 'gone forever'.   On the subject of psychs - In one of my 'assessments' I was asked "do you accept Micheal is dead".  My answer - 'no parent accepts the death of their child'.  He continued - "Do you think Micheal is coming home?"  my answer, 'that would be so much better than him not'.  I really get the baseball bat, rubber room theory.  Its up there with the scream at the sky, mountains, grass.

"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell"  Thought we might get this on a T-Shirt!

Beautiful Kayla - Hope the party goes on for you wherever you are...Let your mum know your energy is still with her...a whisp of a breeze, a memory that flits into her mind without warning..... Lynn thinking of you today.....

Brother's pup was put to rest last night.  Smiji had stage III lymphoma, diagnosed only a short while ago.  The vet came to the house so Smiji could be at home.  Once upon a time I would have thought 'its just a dog'.  Smiji was Bill's Muttley...She was family when he lost his son.....like Muttley she gave him purpose to get out of bed everyday.......

Mike - Take Smiji for run for Uncle Bill...I know how much you love Kody (meerkat dog).  Maybe you could teach Smiji....Love you and miss you more than I can say....

Probably posted this before - but what the heck....

[daveydow1]

Trudi----So very sorry that Smiji had to be put to sleep. I so understand

how everyone in your family feels the pain of losing your pet. Pets are, indeed,

part of the family, and we mourn for them when they pass over. I will be

so sad whenever the time comes to put down my old cat "Brownie". (nearly

 14)....she, too, was around when Davey was with us, and he loved her.  So kind of

your vet to come to your house. Take care, and be kind to yourselves. Peace

to you.

              Sherry 

[mikesmum]

Thanks Sherry - Just wanted you to know that each time I post it takes me back to posts from 2005 where I see Davey's smiling face.  The heartache still remains doesn't it.......softened by friends like you here on BI......Take Care Trudi

[Guest]

Powerlessness.  Acceptance.  Surrender.  Hell no!  Powerlessness.  Acceptance.  Surrender.  Hell no!  Powe......

Again and again and again.

My eyes shoot wide open.  There is a crazy stare.  My hair stands straight out, in every direction.  My arms fling wildly through the air.  I run in wild abandon...with the gutteral AAGH... in monotone...loud...screaming, yelling, moaning.

Of course, the woman in the mirror doesn't resemble her at all.  The woman in the mirror looks more like a zombie...........the padded room for sure...

Been there done that.

Coming to terms with the powerlessness of being able to save our child whether from themselves, illness, or accidents is an overwhelming journey.  It is the lesson each parent signs up for when they first conceive.  It is not the class we thought we signed up for.  No.  Our hopes, our dreams are so much better.  So much bigger.  So much happier.

When we become a parent we aren't told that what we have agreed to is live with our heart outside ourselves for the rest of our lives.  "And, some of you, will outlive your children.  And, that will feel like your heart has been shoved back in your chest after being trampled and stabbed and will never heal.  And, some of you will watch your child destroy themselves to addiction.  And, you have to come to terms with the fact your very breath will not save your child.  And, will you continue to breath anyway?  And, will you learn to smile anyway? 

"If I take the very thing that causes your heart to beat, away from you, rip it away from you, will you still trust me?"  All of us, each of us, said absolutely.  Until the test actually came.

And, while we learn to deal with the fact we can't protect our children, we have to also deal with the fact that our Creator has allowed us to go through such horrendous pain.

He allows it.  And, we, in turn...allow it for our children who are in the throes of addiction..........because.........we find out we can't save them....He allows it, too.  Because he knows there's so much more than what we can see.

Much love,  Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andrewsmother]

Oh Kathy, I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't, my heart hurts along with yours for what you're going through.  Life is so freaking unfair sometimes, some of us get all the pain and suffering while others just enjoy the ride.  33 years old...certainly a grown man.  I agree you can't keep enabling him by giving him money.  I wish I had some words of wisdom for you...I don't, just know that I will pray for your son and whatever happens you have done your best, that's all anyone can expect from you, the rest has to come from him.  I am so very sorry you have to go through this compounded with the loss of losing your child...overwhelming really.    Keep the faith and keep strong, we're all rooting for you and BJ.

Love

Rosie, Andrew's mom

[summergirl]

Susannah - so true, so true....I so much enjoy/hate reading your posts...hate only because we have to be here...enjoy because you always give me something to think about....I  feel those new to this site bring us "oldies" new insights to this journey. Bless you.

Rosie - thank you so much, it is more than hard. As I sit here tonight in my warm house, with Tavian by my side, my husband in his office, the wind is howling, it is so very cold I wonder where my son is, is he warm ? is he scared ? is he wondering how to change his life ? is he too high on drugs to care ?  so many questions, no answers.....it feels like a death to me....and that is hard for those who do not walk that journey to understand....just as those who have not lost a child do not understand our grief. My sister Sue has 2 wonderful children, a son the same age as Bj...he has a wife who is a nurse and 2 boys. Her daughter lives in San Fransico and is a dog trainer...just opened a new "doggie care". So, when I talk to my sister she is always telling me she is sorry and she hates to talk about her children because she doesn't want to hurt me..I tell her I love hearing about them, she is blessed and they are wonderful and that makes me happy....inside, yes it hurts but I do not wish this on anyone. Thank you for taking the time to listen, I know that no one has an answer for me....just listening to me helps more than you know.

Dee - I hope you get to sleep tonight without being inturrupted by an earthquack, I think I would have passed out from fright...   I pray for your son also, that he finds some happiness without all the anxiety..it is a tough thing to do but he has a most wonderful mom and perfect Angels watching over him.

Trudi - I am so sorry about your brother's pup....you are so right, losing a pet is devastating to the heart...they become such a part of our lives, love unconditionally, sense our feelings....I always said that if you are going to have a pet then you need to treat them as family because that is what they become.  Losing Kaylie was and still is a terrible loss, she was a one of a kind...I miss her licking my face when I would cry or lay her head on my lap and just look at me with those big beautiful eyes saying "I love you"......

Tavian's birthday tomorrow...if there is no school he will take cup cakes on Friday and celebrate with his class. We are going to take him to Safari Adventure on Saturday, he will love that and everyone says it is a great place.  He will be 8.....4 years ago we celebrated at Great-Grandmother's house with Jessica and the rest of the family..it  is the last pictures I have of Jessica and Tavian together, the last pics of Jessica.. I will scan them into the computer and post.  When I look at them I see such a happy beautifull woman, proud of her son and laughing...I see no evidence of anything wrong with her, no indication that exactly one week later she would be gone from us.  I miss her so much, I just want to go to sleep and wake up and everything is back the way it used to be....her and Bj little again so I could possibly change the future...in my dreams, in my dreams.

Love to all and prayers for all.  Kathy  

[Guest]

:dude: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR TAVIAN!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! :dude::dude::dude::dude::dude::dude::dude::dude:

8 YEARS OLD.  THAT'S EIGHT YEARS OLD.  Eight is so much older than seven!!  Congratulations for making it to the big 8.

I hope the snow lets up enough for you to celebrate. I also hope you feel an extra tight hug from your momma.  She's so proud of you, Tavian!!  You make her smile a beautiful angel smile...all sparkels and light.

Love to you!  Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

Well, I am doing alright, still hurts like a son of a gun, but I guess it takes time.  Thanks again for caring about me, it has been weird.  I can tell the people around me I am in such pain, but it doesn't seem to register with them.  Even when I get crabby, I don't mean to but when I hurt my temper is short.

Sherry, I have never had a toothache like this.  It was the one thing on me that was good.  I have had very few cavities these past 54 years :-) and when I had a cracked tooth I thought that was a toothache.. surprise surprise...  I found out what one is like :-) thanks for the prayers

Trudi, I am thankful, it doesn't seem like a lot, but to me it is everything.  I don't spend money on me.  Even my health and I know I should, but not sure how to.  Being I am not little Rays mom, I can't get on medicaid.  I need to get his adoption done sometime, I always try to put away for it, but there is always something that comes up and is needed. :-)  ....  I read you all about the gathering, and I am so excited for all of you.  I wish it were me going to meet you all.. but I have to be satisfied with reading all of you and I am happy for each of you that is going.. I look forward to hearing about it.

Kathy, my heart goes out to you for your son, I know to close the fears, and my prayers are with you and him.

Happy Birthday to Tavian, I hope he has a wonderful day! I hope he gets the snow day if he wants it, or I hope it clears up enough for him to go to school to celebrate if that is what he wants  ... 

Susannah, as usual, i so enjoy reading you.. your very thought provoking and I am happy your here, but wish you didn't have to be.

Dee, wow.. earthquake... would have frightened me....  think I will stick to the snow :-)

Betsy, your so sweet, thank you for thinking of me... I sat and called dentist after dentist.. and all I got was NO Payments.. cash upfront...  or we wont' take new patients.. I was in tears by the time I got hold of the dentist that has a free day.  I am so amazed at these people.  Last year I went because of a cracked tooth, and they treated all the people there like gold, I have been to dentists I paid and was treated like I was a walking disease. oh well...  I guess it takes all types....  I hope the weather is good for you, sorry you have been down, wish I could think of something the cheer you, but I know cheering is tough to do at times.. and so all I can think of is sending you a hug

Betty, thanks for the good wishes!:-)

Such a beautiful angel, Happy Birthday Kayla

My friends, I give up for the night.. I am getting tired out.. at least the pills help sleep a little..  I love you.. and I am thankful for you..

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

 

[lolynbo]

IS IT MY VGS BIRTHDAY? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAVIAN...VURTUAL GAMMY LORRI LOVES YOU...

[heartbeataway]

[align=center]Happy Birthday Tavian!!

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[ericasmom]

Thanks Trudi, I will also pray for Steven as he faces what Jon seems to be facing, the ineptitude of burocracy. (can't spell adn too tired to look up), so frustrating though, when they try to do everything they are supposed to and get punished for doing so. I sure hope that Steven's home is his soon to live in.

Sus, I am not sure if I feel the same way about the creator letting tragedy happen to our Kids...though i really get your line of thought. I guess my thinking it that there is this place for the souls of those leaving, and that is what the creator provided, this wonderful place of eternal peace and union. Simplistic but nevertheless, it is what I think/ either way or any other belief, I do think that our Kids are together and able to let us feel or see or sense their being at times when we need it most. perhaps most, when our belief system is flagging. I do feel that our Kids are happy that we are together, this band of wounded parents, finding strength and healing as we grow into our new skins.

My thought is that once here, always here, the footprint in our lives is forever, and in so many other lives. Living on in a new dimension. I miss you Bing.

Kath, I am so sorry for the daily worry aching in you now, I think that I would be doing the same thing as you, putting an end to the calls and the money, only because you know it perpetuates the cycle of this awful presence. This addiction. Oh how I will continue to pray that somehow, BJ turn this around, but nobody can do it for him, cause if they could, it would be all good long ago.

Col, get the equipment adn bang away at it, if it helps, then definitely do it again. You are taking a dip into the low ground, the book is providing the ladder down, not always a bad thing, sometimes you find what is needed in the next phase while in the catacombs. You will find the opening again, I trust that. We all go there several times, some of us many times, it is okay, doesn't feel okay, but it is okay to go there. I read Lovely Bones a few weeks after Eri left, it was difficult to say the least, but the vision of the girl's heaven was worth it.

Love to each,

good  no earthquake night

I babysat for Max Jaxson tonight, he is almost 5 months old. So cute, so tired.

[ericasmom]

TAVIAN,

How did you get so big? Holy Cow, (moo) have a gloriously snowy birthday 8 year old.

Love,

Dee

[lostwoher]

 Thank You EVERYONE

for the birthday wishes. It means alot to me.

 Hey Colleen, pass me the bat when you are done. I sure could use it before they come at me with the white coats .

Leah, I sure hope you are able to hold out until the appointment. It wasnt all that long ago I was going thru the same pain/agony. Im the biggest baby when it comes to dentist but this was the best experience by far. Wishing the best for you.

Last nite I finished the 750 piece puzzle I started on saturday!! Record time let me tell you. Most times I go for weeks without even looking at it but the last 2 have kept me so occupied and relaxed. Still need to glue it then I will start on the next one. Sure hope I find more in the series before I finish this next one hahahahaha.

I posted pictures from today if anybody is interested on myspace and facebook. It may take me a bit before I can post them on here. Yep, its a technology thing .

Hope the links work : :

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=110024220&albumId=2450784

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2002857&id=1263930387&l=5f2d769665

Let me know...

Love n hugs always,

Lynn aka mom to the Birthday Angel aka Kayla Dawn Casper

[lostwoher]

Sorry for all the commotion this morning Dee but I think it was from the Angels. They were preparing for a big birthday, Valentine party this weekend and got a little wound up . Not sure if I slept thru it or if it was even felt down this far. I remember how nervous I was the last time ( about 2 yrs ago ) we had one. I thought it was from the construction happening on my street until it literally threw me out of my bed and I realized what time it was. SCAREY, I know. Hope you are feeling better and can get a good nites sleep. At least no aftershocks are expected

Nite everybody!

Lynn  

XOXO to my birthday girl and all you Angels

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I do hope everyone is safe and warm NYC received over 15 inches of snow. Since I live in a huge housing complex that has an army of people clearing pathways I had little problems getting around. Sidewalks had paths cleared for walking and the tress were breath taking and beautiful. I do wish I was a camera buff There were many beautiful scenes

 Lynn I am so impressed that you finished the puzzle and I really loved the picture of your beautiful angel Kayla. The colors, the little animals and the precious young lady looked so happy and perfect together.

 Betsy I love the colors in the picture that you posted That looks like a perfect spot for camping . Did you and Rich like to camp? I hope you stayed warm during the storm I see that many of the highways in Pennsylvania were closed with overturned tractor trailers. I said a little prayer for you.

By the way I did find my little hurt squirrel yesterday and was able to feed him many handfuls of shelled nuts to keep him full for one more day.

Trudi I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brothers precious pet Smiji. Animals are so very special. I loved the picture of your handsome Mike and my virtual pet Mutley

Sherry I would love to see the picture when you are able I too am brought back to 2005 and see Davey's handsome smiling face each time I sign on. It warm my heart and helps me to realize that this is truly a journey that we all share. We are all walking with great sadness, side by side, offering our love and compassion to each other along the way. We do not graduate.

Leah I am sad that you still have the pain. I do hope the Meds kick in soon. Please rest, and try to be kind to yourself . Love the new avatar Jaoba looks so cute.

Colleen and Trudi I find it hard to process the fact that I have not heard Stephen voice or laugh in over 30 months. I also go thru the different scenes that could have/should have happened as Stephen fought for his life. I have had my arguments with the God of my understanding and just for today I am at peace with my loss . Tomorrow I could be angry and back to fighting with the Universe.

Dee I do hope you are safe with no quakes and enjoy the peace of your nature walks and are safe back to school with your little charges.

Bonnie I am so impressed with the love and empathy you are showing your Little Foster Daughter. She is so fortunate to have you and your husband in her life.

Susannah, Kathy and Leah You all have my admiration in your taking on your little Grandchildren and loving them with such tender care.

Mary Ann How bad are you snowed in Let us know

Beth I do hope your surgery is healing and you are resting

I almost Forgot Happy Birthday Tavian:dude:

 

Carol, Sue, Terrie, Kim, Rosie, Deneace, Pam, Dan, Greg, Claudia, Sonya, Lorrie

And all Indigos Stay safe and have a Blessed day

 Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

 

 

[Guest]

Beautiful picture of Kayla, Lynn!  I'm going to try to log on to facebook to see the pictures.  I get booted off of there a lot.  And, I'm quiet over there.  So, it's not personal. 

You're always up and wishing such good blessings for everyone Betty.  I admire you for your gentle heart that shines through in your writing.

Yep, Lorri,  Tavian is eight years old today! 

Have a good day Indigo's!

Dee - I'm sending you a PM because I have some questions.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[bjsmom]

Happy Angel Birthday

Kayla!!!!!!

[align=left]Lynn- I just realized that i sent birthday wishes on FB but not here on BI. Sorry for my slip.

Deneace (BjsMom)

[/align]

[hotsauce]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY  K A Y L A

 

 

sorry it is late had no electric

 

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[lolynbo]

LOVE THE PIC OF KAYLA , LYNN SO NEAT....

TAVIAN VG HOPES YOU HAD THE BESTEST OF BEST DAYS...I SURE WISH IF UR GRANNY KATHY IS COMING TO THE REUNION YOUR COMIN..BUT IF NOT WE UNDERSTAND..YOUR GETTING SO BIG...LOVE THE CURLS..I HAVE THEM TOO, I WISH MY HAIR WAS LIKE YOUR MOMMAS...I THINK SHE HAS THE PRETTIEST CURLS EVER...

OK IM GOING TO POST YET ANOTHER PIC OF ME, FROM THE CRUISE NOW THAT I HAVE THE SCANNER I JUST SCANNED IT AND PUT IT ON THE COMPUTER...MONTY HAS IT ON HIS DESK AT GALAXIE (OUR BUSINESS I ONCE WORKED AT WITH KOURTNEY) NOW IVE ONLY BEEN THERE ONCE SINCE SHE LEFT.......BUT.....

AND KEEP IN MIND PPL THIS IS A GOOD PHOTOGRAPHER AND A GOOD DAY FOR ME...I USUALLY LOOK LIKE HOTTTTT HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

[lolynbo]

NOW DO U THINK KOURTNEY AND I LOOK ALIKE...I DONT SEE IT...BUT EVERYONE SAYS WE DO....I SURE MISS THIS FACE...GOD I MISS IT..

[hotsauce]

good morning to EVERYONE,

i hope EVERYONE is doing good,

i'll feel so much better when the snow is gone,  got about 4 to 5 feet, i guess i will be shovling for a while.

take care EVERYONE.

 

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[Guest]

Lorri - I can't tell if you both look alike because of the hair, but you are both beautiful, that's for sure!

I dreamed (dreamt ?) about Stephanie and my sister, Dessie, who died in 2008.  It was a  long dream.  But, the main point of it was Dessie and Stephanie talking back and forth to each other, finding humor in the fact that I couldn't grasp the idea that they weren't dead.  "She just doesn't get it".  Dessie said to Stephanie.  At one point in my dream Stephanie's face was so real I could touch it and she was in complete and utter peace.  Then they both just disappeared.  I screamed for them and woke up feeling the pain of loss.

Once again, I am in awe at the power of grief........and the reality that they aren't really dead.  Trying to figure infinite concepts with a finite mind is senseless, yet I still try.

Have a great day, Friends!

Much love!  Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Hi again Indigos

Lorrie beautiful picture of you on the cruise  Your reflection in the piano is such a perfect shot  You and your Beautfiful Angel are stunning.

Mary Ann Please be careful Glad you got your electricity back

Susannah I do believe that my intense grief has made me a much more compassionate and understanding person.  Yesterday out in the snowstorm an Old Lady approached me to talk  It seems she "Lost her Best Bud" , her brother only an hour before and needed to talk to someone.  In the snowstorm I was glad I could listen and share her pain.  

Today feels like a happy day for me and since we are sharing pictures I too just scanned another of Stephen at age 4 with yet another animal so here it is

 Take care Indigos

[Guest]

Betty - I wish I could articulate (adequately) the feeling that came over me when looking at the picture of young Stephen and the beautiful horse.  It was all loving and very powerful.  What a presence!

Thank you for sharing with us!

[Guest]

Well, Indigo's, I've decided to "throw" this out there for your response. 

I've been asked if I'm a writer, and the fact is...I'm not, but apparently, I am. 

I've wanted to write a book, but am basically lazy.  So many attempts at beginning have been stopped by lack of discipline and/or motivation.

My counselor, a very good one, has asked if I'm not going to write a book to at least write a pamphlet on grieving.  Apparently, she thinks I am grieving "remarkebly well" and she is in wonder at my wisdom.  I say that last sentence with a bit of sarcasm and humor.  But, those are the words she used.

With the comments I've received on this grieving board, I've actually thought of considering it.  The fact is, however, it scares the hell out of me! 

First off, I just share my own opinions and experiences.  Second, I have no official training and would be afraid that anyone would take my words as "their" truth. 

My counselor says she quotes me all the time.  That, in itself, is very intimidating. 

I have also been asked by my counselor and the therapist who works with my grandchildren, if they could give my name and number out to other parents and grandparents.  Then just this morning my grandkid's principal asked the same thing.

I've been thinking about this all week and it has brought me to tears a couple of times.  I'm scared. 

I am in the cups of grief myself and still trying to figure out my own journey.  If I have a gift of anything it is the desire to understand myself.  Any wisdom I own comes from making so many huge mistakes a long the way.  Huge mistakes.

I also have the "blessing" of overcoming huge losses in my life.  But, the truth is, I am a recovering alcoholic who smokes too much and drinks too much coffee.  I swear like a sailor (or worse) and I am double minded.  Meaning, I will sit in a room with people who have completely different opinions and agree with both of them.  LOL

So, I'm asking you, my grief support group, my fellow travelers on the path of grief.  What do YOU think I should do?

Perhaps I'm just a big mouth and am able to voice what others already think.  Or perhaps I'm completely full of the proverbial pile of dung!

Thanks for letting me get it out there!

[lostwoher]

 Good morning Indigos. ALmost noon and I havent been awake for very long. Must have needed the sleep.

Mary Ann, Im sorry you have been without electricity. I would go absolutely crazy without it. Planning it is one thing but having it go out without warning isnt right. Hopefully all is well now.

Deneace, only 1 wish is needed hahahaha but THANK YOU!

Susannah, you do have great wisdom. If you are up to writing a book then I say go for it. Maybe you can add some of Dee's writings to it?????? I would read it .

Time for me to scoot into the kitchen so we can have lunch before heading off to our workday/nite.

Thinking of you all,

Lynn aka mom of Travis & Kayla

[lostwoher]

 HaPPy BirTHdaY TAVIAN!!!!!

[rlolheiser]

Lynn, thanks for the wishes, I hate dentists too, but look forward to this one.  Still hurts, but it is still better.. I hope it lasts.  I love to do puzzles, I used to all the time, the last one I bought was to hard, I ended up packing it up and mailing it my brother, he packed it up and gave it to my sister..  Seems these days I am better off with the ones litte Ray works on :-)  I hope to get into facebook and see your picture, I sure love to look at everybody's pics, it makes me feel so close to you all.

Betty, thanks, the pain is down some, I guess it was so extreme I don't know what to expect but down is better than nothing :-)  Loving the grandchildren is so easy, especially when they need that little boost.  I can't imagine my boy, nor any of the other children with anybody but me.. I guess another reason I have to take care of myself a little better.  My avatar is the last picture of JaBoa, I have kept it hidden to long.

Lorri, Wow.. your beautiful, and I think you and Kourtney look very much alike, she is so very beautiful in each picture I see.

Betsy, I adore the picture of Stephen and the horse :-) Reminds me of pictures I have around here of JaBoa's horses, she had 3 that an uncle of mine gave her.  We kept them here, I tried to get her to take a picture with them, but she always ran away from the camera.  I think I have pics of every other kid with them from a mile away, but she wouldn't  have it.

They say our weather will warm up gradually, I hope so.  I am suffering cabin fever big time.  If the roads are good my oldest daughter will come up for the weekend.  I haven't seen her for awhile so I am hoping...  but I never trust the weather enough to get my hopes up to much :-)

Stay safe and warm friends, thanks again for all the good wishes

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[zachysmom]

Hi all Recovering well and not having much pain. I only take my pain med after a very long day. I am almost at a normal energy level. Still not smoking actually can't even stand the smell of someone who is a smoker. Went to hubbys' parents house to pick up our daughter and almost got sick. They are chain smokers. Now comes the fun of finding Elisha a babysitter. I can't keep letting her go there for hours at a time.  Hubby is still around. Still distant but still here. Time will tell.

[mysonrich]

Betty, great picture. A beautiful head of hair your boy has and sparkles in his eye's. Good to hear the squirrel is back.What is his/her name?

 

I did as PENNdot told me to do yesterday. I stayed off the roads. Today the sun is shining and the snow is pretty. I have an appointment later with my therapist. I made a list of thoughts. Sometimes I travel down a path of thought and forget to talk about what keeps me up at night. And yes. We did go camping a couple times,in tents. the whole nine yards. There is a learning curve in camping for sure!

 

Susannah, I feel you speak from your heart truthfully. I just read a book written by Dennis L. Apple," life after the death of my son,  what I'm learning." This was written 6 years after the death of Denny, Mr and Mrs Apples son. While you may have lived and learned, endured, "overcome huge losses"..I would ask myself if I were ready to advise? With Stephanie's death so recent I would ask myself  if I was ready for such an important step and have I dealt with the pain, anger, grief, depression ( in my case ) to direct others? this has nothing to do with coffee, drinking whatever, but can you at this time lead another?

 

 Hi MaryAnn, I have been watching the Philly news. Boy, did a giant snow cloud sit over your area or what! take care.maybe the sun will melt some.

 

Trudi, Rich was the mountain bike rider , skate- boarder, football player. I  will walk along side you. I haven't owned a bike since Rich left mine in a driveway and the lady ran over the back wheel. One of those neighbors that didn't like kids or bikes in her driveway. I wasn't mad at Rich, I was mad at "that woman" 

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[lolynbo]

LOVE THE PITURE OF STEPHEN (LIL STEPHEN ) WITH HIS HORSEY...SO CUTE...

AND THE AS WONDERFUL PIC OF ZACHY.....ITS LIKE WHEN I SEE A PIC OF ANY OF THEM WHEN THEY WERE LIL (ZACHY WAS JUST GIVIN THE CHANCE TO BE LIL)...I NO WHO THEY ARE....

THEY ARE ALL WONDERFUL ANGELS..

WELL WENT TO KOURTNEYS KLOSET AND WORKD FOR 1 1/2 AND 3 INCHES OF SNOW SO WE LEFT AND WENT HOME..BUT I WENT TO THE MALL FIRST TO GET ME THE SCKETCHER 9SP) SHAPE UPS...SO IF IT EVER CLEARS UP ITS ON.................